04x20 - Store Wars

[bunniefuu]

Bunker, I've only been
gone two weeks,

look how you keep records.

You draw teeny weeny pictures.

I learned that at that seminar
you sent me to

for the restaurant owners.
Don't you see them drawings?

What they call
visible aides, huh?

Look, I got beer kegs
over here, huh?

So, I made a little drawing
of a beer keg.

See if you can figure out
the other one yourself,

the red circle.

An apple?

No, a tomato!

Can't you see
the apple over here

where I drew a little worm
comin' out of the top?

I suppose the cow
is the meat order?

No, can't you see
that particular cow there,

has the big dairies
underneath her.

Milk?

Bingo.

A child could figure
that stuff out.

I don't wanna hear no more
from you today.

Big dairies?

Uh, yes, big dairies!

Don't be give me the face, sis.

I certainly wasn't referring
to you.

Excuse me.

- Where's Harry?
- Harry called in late,

because Barney kept him
up all night cryin'.

Because this was the anniversary

of the first time
that Blanche left him.

Oh, was that
the Roto-Rooter man?

No, the Roto-Rooter
man was fourth.

Uh, the first, I think
was the exterminator.

How can I get some
service around here.

Just a minute, buddy,
I'm busy right now.

Boy, what a dump!

Hey, listen,
if you don't like it in...

Hi, Murray!

Hi, Murray, look who's here.

How are you doing there, buddy?

- You look good.
- How are you, huh?

- Oh, hey, you feel good.
- Hey, now, oh, jeez.

Don't do that.-

Hey, why didn't you phone
or something?

Well, you know,
I like to surprise you.

Yeah, but you know
I hate surprises.

- I know, yeah.
- Yeah.

Hey, you ain't thinkin'
of movin' back to New York?

- No, are you kidding?
- I love San Francisco.

Oh, jeez, I am thrilled
to hear that.

- Oh, come on. Sit down, will you?
- Tell me all about it.

Okay, this... this is just
a quick trip

to see my daughter
and my grandson and...

- Oh.
- Maybe do a little business.

Did you bring your wife,
Leonie with ya?

Marcie.

I thought I remember her
tellin' me her name was Leonie.

But, ah, what the hell,
it's close.

No, this trip was just a...
A spur of the moment thing.

- Hey, Mr. Klein!
- Hi, Murray.

- Hey, you guys!
- How the hell are you there?

I'll bet you miss Veronica back
there, don't ya'?

- No!
- No.

That's the way it is here,
Murray, you know.

Once you go out that door,
who cares?

Oh! -

Mr. Klein, can I get
you something?

Nah, it's too early
in the morning for that.

Actually, what time is it?

- Um, it's 10:30.
- Uh, scotch on the rocks.

A... a bourbon for me, huh,
and a wash me down beer.

- Ah!
- Attaboy, Brucey,

attaboy. Great shot.

- What was that?
- That was a horsefly.

- I know what that was.
- But, who was that?

Oh, that there was Bruce.
He works around here, you know.

But the man lives
to m*rder flies.

Well, listen,
tell me about California.

You still managing
them buildings out there?

Yeah, yeah, but I'm going
to give it up, Arch.

It's just... it's just boring me
to death.

Actually I've found
a terrific bar in San Francisco.

- Oh, thanks.
- Oh, do tell.

- Yeah, that's why I'm here.
- I'm gonna have to sell my share in this place.

Oh, well, Murray, listen,

I'll start looking for a buyer
for you right away.

But I'll tell you pal,
it ain't gonna be easy.

You know,
with the recession and all.

There's so few people
who want to stay the course.

With Mr. Reagan,
everybody's broke.

Well, I've got someone,
right here in Queens.

- Yeah, who?
- Oh, you'll love him,

- he's terrific.
- And he knows the business.

- Oh, no, wait a minute, Murray.
- Wait! He used to...

He owned a bar in the Bronx.

- The Bronx?
- Yeah.

My God, what kind
of people, huh, the...

Just answer me one question.

Does he look like every other
guy in here, except for one?

- Don't worry, he's white.
- Shush! Jeez!

It's only my friend over here.

He's always worried

about the silliest things,
you know.

Listen, Arch, you've had a year
and a half

to find someone you like.

And you've vetoed everyone
I've tried to sell to.

Now, look,

I need the money and I'm going
to sell this guy the place.

And please, don't give
me any arguments!

- What do ya mean?
- Every time I ever had

a conversation with you,
was an argument.

I have to meet
the guy right now.

And I'm comin' back here,
you'll like him.

I promise you that.

I'll be back after lunch,
two o'clock.

Wait a minute, today?

- Yes! I've got to settle...
- Oh.

This thing by the end
of the week.

Bunker, I give up.
Is that a pancake or a chicken?

- To hell with the chicken!
- Look at this man!

- Murray!
- Hey!

- How are ya? Good to see ya.
- I'm good, fine!

What a surprise!

Listen, you tell Murray Klein,

that he can't sell
his share of the bar,

without my disapproval!

We've been through this before.

Now, Murray can sell to anybody

- he wants to.
- Yeah!

- How you doing, Murray?
- I'm fine.

But did you hear
what he just said?

You hear this. You can't sell
to nobody that I hate.

Oh, yes, he can, unless the guy
happens to be a crook

- or a registered pervert.
- Yeah!

Look, I'll be back
right after lunch.

When I bring him back, try...

to be polite, okay?

- See you later.
- See you, Murray.

Hey, hey,

why do you have to try to be
so nice to this guy?

Listen, Bunker, now you know

this has been coming
for two years.

Now, you're gonna have
to have a new partner,

and you might as well accept it.

He comes back in
with that guy at two o'clock.

I guarantee the guy is gonna
be out of here

by 2:10. Make it five.

You're gonna make things
worse for yourself.

What the hell do you know?

You can't even tell
a pancake from a chicken.

It's true.

Oh, Barney, Barney,
sleepin' at the bar.

- It looks like hell.
- Huh?

Barney, why don't you go home
and get into your own bed?

Oh, not today, Arch.

Oh, jeez, I forgot,
the Blanche anniversary.

That bed holds so many memories,
that don't include me.

Barney, I ain't got time
for your problems today.

Today, I'm fightin'
for my life, here.

If you're tired,
go into the office

and lay down, huh.

Thanks, Arch.

- Don't be lookin' at me.
- Drink your beer.

What the hell is this all about?

Boss, this ill*gal's trying
to tell me, I can't get married.

Now, does he have the right
to tell me, I can't get married?

Why are you telling
this man he can't get married?

'Cause if he marries
Rosa Gonzales,

my sister, Felicia is gonna
throw me out of the house.

The solution is this,
"Don't marry Rosa Gonzales!"

Mr. Wagner, here it is, huh.

Oh, jeez, this guy looks
like a schmo.

I'll have him out
of here at 2:04.

- Harry!
- Hey, Murray!

Harry,

- how the hell are you?
- Hey, you look great.

So do you. How you been, huh? -

And this must be the new partner

that Archie's been
talking about.

That's right. Hy Wagner, this
is Harry Snowden.

Pleasure.

You need anything,
you just holler.

All right,
this is Archie Bunker.

Archie, say hi to Hy.

Hi, Hy.

Hi.

Well, this is a lot different
from the Bronx.

Well, listen, you want
to feel at home.

We'll sh**t holes in the walls.

- Oh, he's a kidder, huh.
- I know, what you mean.

And I'm glad this
is a low-crime area.

Well, it's what the police call,
"A four-m*rder neighborhood."

- That means four a night.
- On the streets.

What goes on
in the homes, there's no record.

Uh, look, Hy,
like I was telling ya.

It's quite an operation.

Here's the restaurant out there,
and here's the bar.

- Very impressive.
- Yeah.

- Die fly!
- Hey!

Thank you, Bruce, great shot.

We do have horseflies.

But some of our long-legged rats
is fast enough

to catch most of them.

And what they miss,
this man here gets.

Bruce, run in the back and empty
some of the traps there, huh.

You'd be surprised there, Sy.

We almost get enough pelts
every day to make a coat.

Does your wife like fur? -

Does... does your wife like fur?

He's I told you, he was
a great kidder, a great kidder.

Oh, jeez, my Latinos out there.

It's a kind of a blood feud.

One of 'em is from Guatemala,
and the other is from Nicaragua.

I'll settle it. Excuse me, Sy.

Drop them knives!

You got to be very
firm with 'em, Sy, very firm.

- You wanna heft that cannon?
- No, thank you!

Okay, but remember,

it's always here in case
you got to use it.

But please, sh**t to graze,
never to harm.

Because these illegals,
you know,

they ain't as plentiful
as they once was.

He doesn't use the g*n.

Don't you remember that night,
I had a little too many there,

I almost k*lled you.

Look, uh,

I don't want you to get
the wrong impression

about this place. Come on,
in the office there.

Oh, yes, yes, yes. I gotta
show you the office.

The office, Sy.

- Hy.
- Hi, Sy.

The office, that's the nerve
center of our entire operation.

Go right in there.

What are you trying to do to me?

What are you talking about?

All I'm doin' is cooperatin'
with you.

Come on, let's go in.

Oh, you noticed my poor friend
Barney Hefner over here.

- You remember Barney, Murray?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Hey, hey, Barney.
- Oh, don't. Don't.

- Barney, wake up, Barney!
- No, no, no!

Don't... don't wake
the poor guy up.

I mean, now days, he's happiest
when he's unconscious.

He's been laid-off
of the bridges.

He's broke, down flat, you know.

He may even lose his home.

Sy, we may have to let him move
in here for a while.

You know, not too long,

the recession is bound
to be over in '85.

Step over here,
I want to show you

the bookkeeping system, see.

I just learned
this is very good.

I don't write nothin' down
in the orders no more, see.

No writing, I just draw
little pictures of them.

I make... Let... let's face it.
Literature today is a dead item.

- Excuse me, please.
- Yeah.

- Please!
- Yeah, oh, sure, go ahead, Sy.

- Mr. Klein, I've seen enough.
- Yes.

- More than enough.
- Look, Hy, please.

- Let me try to explain...
- No... no need to explain.

What was happening here.

This place is like Bellevue,
with a liquor license.

I was safer in the Bronx.

I got the man out at 2:03, huh.

- What kind of a crumb are you?
- I'm only trying to help you.

Oh, you call that help, huh?
Well, let me tell you something.

Since you're not going
to let anyone buy my share,

I'm going to buy your share.

And then, I'm going to sell
the whole damn thing,

- right out from under you.
- And how do you like that?

Oh, hey, hey, hey, Murray,
you can't do that.

Oh, no? Read your contract.

Or hire someone
to read it to you.

- Ah...
- Murray wait a minute.

Oh, what a dream. Oh, Arch.

I dreamed that Murray Klein
came back.

Well, you know what
he was doing to Blanche?

He ain't doin' it to Blanche,
Barney, he's doin' it to me.

Fr

From

from y

from you

from you,

if you don't want to sell it.

Because of the way
old Abe Rabinowitz

wrote up the partner
subcontract here.

I can't understand
what he done there.

I don't even understand
the language.

Look at them words I marked off,

I don't know what they mean.

"In pari dilecto, a inter
alia, pari passu."

Yiddish, what the hell am I
supposed to do with Yiddish!

Harry, do you know
anything about Yiddish?

Yiddish is all Greek to me.

- This Yiddish is Latin to me.
- These are legal terms.

I'm sure this contract is valid,

or Murray wouldn't be calling
this meeting.

- What are you going to do, Arch?
- Harry, what I'm gonna do is...

I don't know what the hell
I'm gonna do.

And, uh, we'll notify you
of further developments,

as they arise.

Uh, yours truly...

So...

okay, what's next?

- "Ovitsky vs. Ovitsky..."
- Hmm.

Where the wife is suing,

for the custody
of their two owls.

Oh, yeah. What were the names
of those owls?

Neiman and Marcus.

That's a fun one.

It's nice to see you happy
around here.

You seem to have accepted
your position as a schlub

and I think that's healthy.

Mr. Rabinowitz, Mr. Bunker is
here without an appointment!

It's a matter of life and death!

- You heard that.
- I'll take care of it, Lillian.

I don't want to argue with him

because I never know when
he's going to be dangerous.

Yeah, you're kind
of mysterious yourself, lady.

Listen, what about
Murray Klein...

- Does she have to be here?
- Yes, she's my secretary.

Uh, Marsha,
you remember Mr. Bunker?

Not from this angle.

You could move.

Oh, come on, Gary,
what about Murray Klein?

Bunker, I'd love to discuss
this with you,

but it would be prejudicial
to Murray Klein,

- who is my client.
- Hey, I'm your client.

You and Murray are clients
of this firm and my Uncle Abe

has arranged for me
to handle Murray's side.

You have been assigned
to my brother, Barry.

Barry, that guy hates me!

Hate is a strong word...

but accurate.

Marsha, would you tell
my brother, his client is here?

Sure, it would be my pleasure.

How could you do a thing
like this to me, huh?

I mean, I've been looking at you
as if you was the, uh...

the Jewish son, I never wanted.

It's Uncle Abe's orders.

Sorry, Pop.

Bunker, this assignment
is the nadir of my career,

but if you have anything
of importance to say,

which I doubt, say it,
let's get on with this.

We can't get on with this,
you can't be my lawyer.

Oh, you're worried about
conflict of interest,

please feel free
to hire another firm.

Maybe I will.

Good, just remember
you pay them in advance.

Let's get on with this,
shall we?

I've read your contract
with Murray Klein, Bunker.

Come into my office
and I will explain it to you.

What the hell
is there to explain?

You don't stand a chance!

He's good, isn't he?

You may be smiling now, Gary,
but remember this.

Every dog has his worm.

Oh, good, we are all here,
so let's deal with this quickly.

Okay, fine, Marsha, I want you
to get everything down.

- Now, don't miss a word, okay?
- Bunker, take a seat.

All right, not in that chair
there, if you don't mind,

I will sit over here.

Hello, Arch.-

Excuse me, Mr. Bunker,
do you spell pfft,

with a T, Z, or an S?

Marsha!

May we?

Now, paragraph four states,

"In the event
the partners determine

that they can no longer
mutually operate the business,

then either partner
has the option to buy out

the other partner's share
at the present market value."

I know all about that, Gary.

Your Uncle Abe wrote
that in there for me,

so I could buy Murray out,
at any time.

Bunker, I already told you,
regardless of your intent,

that clause works
for either of you.

Who the hell are you
representing here?

I am representing
truth and justice.

Well, you cannot represent
that and me at the same time!

- Can we continue?
- Love to.

Now, my client, Mr. Klein,

asserts that the partners
have reached an impasse.

Wherein, they can no longer
remain in business together.

Therefore he is choosing
to exercise his option.

But, that's all I want,
for my options,

to give 'em a little exercise.

Oh, Bunker, I am representing
you, I will talk for you.

Well, then will you talk for me,
please. Tell them what I said.

You really want me to tell them?

Yes, tell them.

Quote, "Besides Murray just
wants the dough to buy a bar,

probably a g*y bar,
and who knows,

Murray's probably
become a f*g himself."

Ha!

You called me a f*g?

Oh, come on, Murray,
it just slipped out.

But you can't blame me, can you?

You're the one that
moved to San Francisco,

the biggest fruit orchard
in the world.

Okay, I believe we're here
to discuss the bar,

and not Mr. Klein's
sexual preferences.

All right, then I would like
for the record

to clarify
my sexual preferences.

I am not g*y.

You got that, Marsha?

Mr. Klein alleges
that he is not g*y.

At this point there,

Mr. Bunker laughed, "Ha-ha."
Put that in, too.

Please, can we get on with this.

Now,

Mr. Klein originally purchased
his share for 24,000 dollars.

That was before
the restaurant addition.

So, given today's
economic conditions,

we feel that 40,000 dollars
is a perfectly fair price.

Oh, who cares, who cares,
I'll offer 50,000.

- Fifty thousand dollars?
- Fifty thousand dollars,

fifty thousand dollars,
fifty thousand dollars!

What the hell are you, a parrot?

Why didn't you do
that in the first place?

- What's the difference?
- I'm doing it now!

It's done, it's over set,
come on! We can all go home.

Hold it, not so fast!

Bunker, where do you expect
to get the money?

Where does anybody
get the money? In the bank!

You're mortgaged
up to your neck.

The banks won't give you
the money to buy a toaster.

Oh, I've got three toasters.

Tell 'em, you're my lawyer.

He's got three toasters.

Bunker, you couldn't raise
50 cents.

Now Mr. Klein
has offered 40,000 dollars,

and I assert his legal right
to purchase this store.

- Is counsel agreed?
- Absolutely!

And the case is concluded.

Well, I ain't agreed,
and counsel is fired.

Oh, thank you, thank you!

- Congratulations, Mr. Klein.
- Oh, right, ya, thank you.

Oh, uh, uh! Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait.

Is that all there is to this?

Oh, yes, that's all
there is to this.

Sorry, Arch, but...

the only way to deal with you
is tough.

All I've got to say to you,
Murray Klein is...

you left your heart
in San Francisco.

I left my money in the bar
and I want it back.

Sure.

But I ain't like you,
Murray, see.

I can't do like you, and go off

and start a new life
all over again,

with a beautiful wife
named, Leonie.

Marcie.

I'm sorry Murray,
but my memory tells me

that her name is Leonie,
and that's it.

I'm all alone.

Two girls, growin' up around
me there, breaking my heart.

I got nothin' to wake up
in the morning for.

If ain't got nothin' to wake up
in the morning for,

then why the hell wake up? Or...

Wake up, yes, go into the city.

And jump off
the George Washington Bridge.

Why go to Manhattan?

The Queensboro Bridge
is right around the corner.

- Murray, give me two months.
- I... I'll settle for three,

you know. Three months,
to try to do something else.

I mean, it's like a pal,

asking you for three
more months of life?

Murray, please,

now let's not undo
what's been done.

- The thing is settled.
- Ah, see, he wants it settled.

So, you don't have
to work for me no more.

That's what's going
to make him happy.

Oh, wait a minute,
I've got an idea.

No, you don't.

Listen to your brother
who loves you.

Go ahead, Counselor.

Mr. Klein, you do not have
to take over Bunker's Place.

You can borrow the money
you need,

based on your equity in the bar.

Yeah!

Oh, well I don't want
to borrow money,

have to pay 15 percent interest.

- Yeah, that's right.
- I advise against it.

No, no, no, Bunker
will pay the interest.

I ain't willing to pay
his interest.

Then he'll buy
your half of the bar.

Then, I'm willing
to pay his interest.

Marsha,
are you getting all this?

I lost you at the toasters.

Marsha!

Murray, don't do this to me.

I mean, at least consult
with your wife, Leonie?

Ah, it's no use.

If I talk to Leonie about this,
she'd only say, "Help him."

That's because Leonie
is a wonderful girl.

- Now do this thing, huh?
- For me and Leonie.

Deal Murray, huh? Deal? Deal?

I'm sorry.

Deal.

Ah, Murray, Murray,
I'll never forget you for this!

- You shouldn't.
- Ah!

Congratulations, Bunker.

And, Gary,
hope you enjoy yourself.

Come on, come on, Murray,

let's go back to our bar,
we'll have a drink.

- Yeah, you pay.
- Well for the first one, anyway.

Ha! And you,

I'll see you at 9:00 a.m.
tomorrow morning at the bar.

The nightmare continues.

Only worse.

See the dog had his worm.

Murray, Murray boy!

Come on let's... Hey, hey, hey.

You ain't sorry about this.

No! Of course not,
come on, will you?

- We still the best of pals.
- Best in the world!

Of course, that's what really
means something to me.

- Eh, come on. Come on!
- Ah!