03x17 & 03x18 - Nuts to You/The Terror of Madagascar

[bunniefuu]

[BELL RINGING]

[THEME SONG]

-Hit it.

[DANCE MUSIC]

[SLAM]

[THEME SONG]

[CAMERA CLICK]

-Cute and cuddly, boys.

[THEME SONG]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[WATCH TICKING]

[BEEPING]

-Attention, zoo visitors.

We are now closed.

[THUMP]

-Go home.

[SCREAM]

[LIGHT SWITCH]

[SLAM]

-And go.

-Aha.

[ROPE SWISHING]

[THUD]

[DOOR SWINGING OPEN]

[SLIDING DOWN GLASS]

-OK, men.

We all heard the chatter.

This cafe was due for a
big shipment of tasty fish.

Fan out and find it.

[SWOOSH]

-Skipper?

I'm afraid we may
have some bad intel.

[CRATE OPENING]

-Cheese-Z-Fish?

Ah, this whole mission
is a total waste of time.

-Not quite.

I can find a use for these.

[WHIRRING]

-Total waste.

-We could give these
bananas to Bada and Bing.

-Yes.

Then they'll owe us
a debt that someday

we'll call on them to repay.

In blood.

I like your thinking, Private.

-Oh, I just thought it was
the neighbourly thing to do.

-[LAUGHING] Neighbourly?

Oh, you're cute.

-You can keep 'em.

-What?

But you usually go
bananas for bananas.

-This is true.

-However, today we
got some special

on account of it being
our zoo-aversary.

-Ugly bananas?

-I ought to punch your mouth
for saying such a thing.

-Oh, these are
African plantains.

From the old country.

-Like Mama used to pick.

Sweet and delicious capicola.

A little piece of Heaven
dancing on your tongue.

-Oh.

I should like to sample
these plantings on my tongue.

-It's plantains, not plantings.

And you want nothing
to do with them.

You know how those
gorillas are about sharing.

[MOANING]

-Yo, I was breathing that air.

-Still, I feel I must taste
these bananas of the gods.

-No.

Absolutely not.

-Are you sure?

-Don't do it.

-Bad idea.

-Horrible idea.

-Nuh uh.

-No way.

-Are you loopy?

[SHAKING HEAD NO]

-Even you can't be that stupid.

-Those gorillas
will rip you apart.

-Don't even think
about it, baby.

-It is the most
goodest idea ever.

-Yes.

Mort, you are so wise.

[SNORING]

[THUD]

[SNORING]

-Ger.

[THUD]

-Huh?

[BOTH MUTTERING SLEEPILY]

[SNORING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SNIFFING]

-It's just an ugly banana.

[PEELING]

[CHOMPING]

[GASP]

-But the ugliness
has a beauty within.

My tongue is in love.

-Wow, the sky's so clear
and sparkly tonight.

Not a care in the--
wait a minute.

Is that-- oh, no.

He wouldn't.

[CHOMPING AND SPINNING]

MARLENE [OFFSCREEN]:
[WHISPERING] Hey.

-Marlene.

-[WHISPERING] You've
got to get out of there.

-[WHISPERING] Wha--what?

-[WHISPERING] You've
got to get out there.

-[WHISPERING] I still
can't-- do-- what?

-[YELLING] You've got to--

[SNORING]

[MURMURING SLEEPILY]

[SNORING]

[SIGH]

-Listen to me.

There is a small
chance Bada and Bing

won't notice one
missing plantain.

If you leave right now,
they may not crush you--

[GAGGING AND CHOMPING]

-Oh.

Oh.

Oh, that is good.

-Told you.

-Well, they-- they
won't miss a few, right?

[THUD]

[THUD]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[YAWNING]

-Uh, the plantains are all gone.

-Huh?

All gone?

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

Oh, no.

-Aay, it's OK.

I was beginning to feel
a little full anyway.

[SNATCHING]

[MOANING]

-Bada and Bing are gonna be
crazy mad when they see this.

[BURP]

-They will rip us into confetti.

What are we gonna do?

-OK.

OK.

Uh, we could hide.

-They'll find us.

-Well, we could
disguise ourselves.

You know, I make a pretty
convincing Kentucky colonel.

[CLEARING THROAT]

-[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
And, uh, you could

be my special lady friend.

-Julien, there's only one way
we can hope to survive this.

We flee the zoo right now
and never, ever return.

-Oh, my.

Do we have time to pack?

-No.

-How bout a goodbye celebrity
roast with all of our friends?

-That would be fun-- what?

No.

No.

No.

[MURMURING]

-We gotta go.

-Hey.

[SMASH]

-Hey.

What was that for?

-Yo, we got us a situation.

-Presenting the tunneler.

It will carve its way to
the core of the Earth.

-Right to the
underground kingdom

of the infamous molemen.

Ha.

Subterranean combat,
here we come.

[WHIRRING]

[expl*si*n AND YELLING]

[COUGHING]

[THUD]

-Ah, we've enraged the molemen.

They're counterattacking.

-No.

It's worse.

[YELLING AND BEATING CHESTS]

[ROAR]

-Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Whoa.

[THUD]

[CAR ALARM]

GIRAFFE [OFFSCREEN]:
Some guys car.

[THUDDING]

-Harder they fall.

Go.

[WALKIE TALKIE STATIC]

[SWOOSHING]

[MOANING]

-Hey.

You got us all
incapacitated and what not.

[MOANING]

-And that's what we do
with rampaging psychos.

-Yeah, we're rampaging.

Some mook went and
ate all our plantains.

-Now we gotta find said
mook and stomp him hard.

-And since we don't
know who this mook is,

we gotta stop everybody.

-You know.

Just to be sure.

-Huddle.

Someone ate their plantains.

Who would be so stupid?

-[TOGETHER] Julien.

-Agreed.

Listen, apes.

Life has dealt you a real
kick in the short pants here.

But I gotta tell you,
crimes like these

are usually unsolvable.

Right, Kowalski?

-We may never know the true
identity of the culprit.

-Anywho, I'm sure Private's
got some syrupy slop

to put this whole
incident in perspective.

Go.

-Uh, Prince Chazalot says
sad times and bad times

are never fun, but if
you smile all the while,

you will have won.

[SCOFF]

-That is some primo
lunicorn advice.

-Yo, maybe the little bird's
got a point over here.

-It's not like
pounding everybody's

gonna suddenly bring to light
who ate our plantains, right?

-Right.
[WALKIE TALKIE STATIC]

MARLENE [ON WALKIE
TALKIE]: Skipper?

Is--is that you?

Listen, it's about Bada
and Bing's plantains.

[WALKIE TALKIE STATIC]

-A p-p-p- plantains, huh?

Yeah, we covered that, Marlene.

Unsolvable crime.

We'll never know who did it.

[WALKIE TALKIE STATIC]

MARLENE [ON WALKIE
TALKIE]: No, no.

It's not unsolvable.

It was me and Julien.

We ate them all.

[GROWLING]

JULIEN [ON WALKIE
TALKIE]: Hey, Skip.

-Uh.

JULIEN [ON WALKIE TALKIE]:
They were delicious.

-Uh.

JULIEN [ON WALKIE TALKIE]:
I'd totally do it again.

MARLENE [ON WALKIE
TALKIE]: Anyway, we're

skipping town and
never coming back.

[WALKIE TALKIE STATIC]

-The otter.

-And the lemur.

[ROPES BREAKING]

-Stomp 'em.

-Now, fellas.

Remember what the lunicorn--oh.

[SMASH AND THUD]

-How did Marlene
get on the radio?

-We'll solve that puzzle later.

To the car, men.

[GROANING AND THUDDING]

-Um.

Where's the car?
[WALKIE TALKIE STATIC]

MARLENE [ON WALKIE TALKIE]: Hey.
Hi.

Me again.

Anyway, we also, um0--we
also took your car.

[SCREECHING]

-Really sorry about that.

Hope you don't need it.

Like-- like ever again.

There.

OK.

Clear conscious.

Haha.

Sort of.

Hey, what's the best
way out of town?

The Lincoln Tunnel or
Staten Island ferry?

-Oh.

There is a fairy of
the Staten Island?

-We'll never catch
up to them on foot.

To the planes.

-Uh.

Yeah, uh, no dice.

I'm currently upgrading
them with more leg room.

-Tall people have rights too.

[SIGH]

-Fine.

We'll improvise.

[YELLING AND CAR SCREECHING]

JULIEN [OFFSCREEN]:
Fairy of Staten

Island so she can
grant my wishes.

[PUNCH]

-The Staten Island ferry
doesn't grant wishes.

It's a boat.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

-How can a boat be a fairy?

It has no wings.

[GROANING]

-Now turn this car around so
I can wish for more plantains.

-Hear me.

The ferry doesn't grant wishes.

-OK.

You hear me now.

The ferry will grant my wishes.

I'm very persuasive.

[LAUGHTER]

-No.

You're not.

[SULKING]

[YELLING AND CAR SCREECHING]

[CRASH]

-Ah.

-Now look.

You chipped the paint.

-Eh.

Fairy can buff that out for us.

-Ugh.

-Yo.

I don't think yous twos are
appreciating the gravity

of the situation in which you
currently find yourselves.

-Yeah.

Gravity and whatnot.

-The gorillas.

[SCREECHING AND GORILLAS
THUDDING]

[MEN MUTTERING]

[SCREECHING AND GORILLAS
THUDDING]

-Phew.

-Huh?

[SMASHING]

-Ha.

[SCREECHING AND GORILLAS
THUDDING]

-Faster, faster.

Please go faster.

[expl*si*n AND YELLING]

[SCREAMING]

-Huh?

-Ha.

You caught her.

The plantain bandit.

Good work.

So I'll just leave
her to you guys.

Hmm hmm hmm.

-You are going nowhere.

-Ugh.

I so blame you for this.

-Heh.

Me?

-Yeah.

Yeah, you.

Who else should I blame?

-Uh, Mort.

Usually for me.

Or sometimes Maurice--

[GRUNTING]

-Who else?

Uh, oh.

How about the penguins.

-The penguins?

Really?

In what why can you
possibly lay this at their--

-No.

Look.

Penguins.

[HELICOPTER SOUNDS]

-Stinkzookas, fire.

[FIRING]

-Oh, that is ripe.

-Pee you.

-Shotgun.

For you.

-You can't yell shotgun
for someone else.

-I already did.

[INHALING]

[HELICOPTER SOUNDS]

[EXHALING]

-Beefsteak tomatoes.

I'm hit.

[CRASH]

[HELICOPTERS DYING]

-Ah.

[CRASHING AND MOANING]

-Never mind.

You drive.

[SCREECHING]

-Fairy of Staten
Island, here we come.

[SCREECHING]

[CRASH]

-Uh.

[COUGHING]

-You take the next leg.

[PLOP]

-Julien, these--
these are plantains.

Can you believe our good luck?

-Not luck, Marlene.

That Staten Island fairy
has heard our pleas

and answered them.

Thank you, Staten Island fairy.

She knew I was getting hungry.

[MUNCHING AND MOANING]

-Or-- or maybe we could
give them to Bada and Bing.

You know, so maybe we
could go home again.

[MUNCHING AND MOANING]

-I suppose maybe
we could do that.

[MUNCHING]

MARLENE [OFFSCREEN]: Even
though it all worked out,

I hope you learned
something about messing

with other people's stuff.

-I sure did.

You really shouldn't
do it, Marlene.

[GASP]

-Me?

It was you who was--

-Hey.

The car.

-Totally her.

-Ah.

Listen--

[YELLING]

MARLENE [OFFSCREEN]:
We can buff that out.

I--I know a guy.
[YELLING]

[TSKING]
-Learn your own lesson, lady.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[STRAINING]

[THUD]

-47.4 seconds.

-That's improvement all around.

Up high for progress.

[GASPING]

-Here you go, Kowalski.

[SPRING SOUND]

-Ahaha.

-I've got a person
best to achieve.

-Let's do this.

-All right.

On your mark.

Get set.

[expl*si*n]

[STRAINING]

[CHUGGING WATER]

[STRAINING]

-Let's see.



-A whole second better than us.

Super.

-Wait.

What?

No, that's a tenth of a
second slower than last year.

Gotta be a mistake.

Do over.

-You could wait a moment
or two to catch your brea--

-Negative.

[STRAINING]

-Score.

-Um.

-Well, what's my time?



-Skipper.

I think that's worse.

-Impossible.

Re do over.

[STRAINING]

-Time.

-Well, you're in the ballpark.

Let's just call it a day.

Great work, everyone.

-I said time.

[GASPING]

-You know, three-tenths over.

-Do over.

Do over.

Do over.

Do over.

Do over.

Nothing makes sense.

The obstacle course
is my bag, man?

-Bag, man?

Skipper, why are you
suddenly speaking Hippie?

-I told you, man.

Nothing makes sense, man.

So back off, man.

-Well, don't get your
knickers in a twist, Skipper.

It's just a silly
obstacle course.

-Silly?

My fail amuses you?

Does it, Private?

-Oop.

[STRAINING TO OPEN CAN]

-I've said it before--

[STRAINING TO OPEN CAN]

- --and I'll say it again.

A leader must always
be physically superior.

[STRAINING TO OPEN CAN]

-What the heck?

[CAN OPENING]

-There you go.

[SLAP]

-Ah, that's it.

I'm hereby invoke PELT.

[SPITTING]

-[YELLING] PELT?

[SPITTING]

-[YELLING] PELT?

[SPITTING]

-I too would be
similarly gobsmacked

if I had the foggiest idea
whose pelt was so-- gobsmacking.

-P-E-L-T, Private.

Physical Endurance
Leadership Test.

The only way to go prove if I'm
fit to remain your commander.

-It's an ancient penguin ritual.

-Oh.

-Alone a penguin must complete
three Herculean tasks--

[SCREEN BEING PULLED]

-Move an ice burg,
evade a polar predator,

and endure the coldest of cold.

[SCREEN BEING PULLED]

-So you have to go on an epic
quest back to Antarctica?

-Psh.

Who had the time?

I'll just find the
New York equivalent.

Rico, think you can
step up in my absence?

-All right.

Blah.

Hahaha.

-Yep.

Kowalski, you're in charge.

-Ahem.

Well, I-- if you
say so, Skipper.

I-- I suppose I'm in charge.

But temporarily.

[CLIMBING LADDER]

-Um, Kowalski, don't you think--

-Ah, ah, ah.

That's Commander Kowalski.

In the event I be promoted
to commanding officer,

I have prepped a playbook
of possible scenarios

and countermeasures.

Scenario One.

Super blimp sneak attack.

-Need to sharpen my senses.

Like little bitty steak knives.

Be one with the PELT.

Now, where the heck can
I find-- an ice burg.

[STRAINING]

[THUD]

-Ah, give me a break.

Ah, brake.

The parking brake.

[STRAINING]

-Come on.

[STRAINING]

[CRASH]

[CAR ALARM]

-One down.

[GIBBERISH]

-I'm with Rico.

Do you really think any of those
scenarios will actually happen?

-A heavily armed manatee
as*ault team is admittedly rare,

but forewarned is
forearmed, I say.

-But we don't have four arms.

-Sorry to interrupt,
guys, but have any of you

seen King Julien?

He missed his 3:45
kiwi fondue wrap.

-Uh uh.

-Nope.

-Ahem.

Pencil me in, Maurice.

What?

Power has its perks.

[BELL RINGING]

KING JULIEN [OFFSCREEN]: Oh.

-Your majesty?

[BELL RINGING]

[JULIEN MOANING]

-King Julien, are you
all right in there?

[BELL RINGING]
KING JULIEN [OFFSCREEN]: Hello?

I'm stuck.

-Scenario 52.

Mammal trapped in bell.

[BELL RINGING]

-Wow.

What are the odds?

-Oh, looks like the
boys have a mission.

I'll standby here
until they need me.

[BELL RINGING]

KING JULIEN [OFFSCREEN]: Ow.

Please hurry.

[STRAINING]

[MOANING]

-Uh.

Ah, finally.

Thank-- thank you.

-Uh, Your Majesty,
how did you manage

to get stuck in the bell?

-[SPEAKING LOUDLY]
Well, it's a long story.

You have to read
about it my up--

-[NORMAL VOLUME]
--is-- am I too loud?

-They're establishing
missions without me?

Well, that's, uh-- that's good.

That's a good thing.

No distractions from bells.

Task two-- provoke and
evade a polar predator.

[WHOOSHING]

[THUD]

-Polar bears eat
seals, of course.

Seals eat penguins.

So let's cut the middleman.

Try and eat this penguin.

[SCREAMING AND THUDDING AGAINST
WALL]

[CRASH]

-Heh.

Ha.

Numero dos complete.

One more to go.

Huh?

Another mission?

-Scenario 853.

Catastrophic trunk tangle.

-You really didn't
think of everything.

-Like a boss, Private.

Like a boss.

[SAW AGAINST METAL]

-Gee, thanks, guys.

You even did it without
exploding my face off.

Way too lead, Kowalski.

-All right.

-Yeah.

-That's what we
commanders strive for.

Results with no
permanent disfigurement.

Hoo ah.

-[MOCKINGLY] That's what
commanders strive for.

[THUD]

-Uh.

Argh.

[BANGING HEAD AGAINST TREE]

-Um, why are you
beating up my tree?

-For good reason, Fred.

My team doesn't need me anymore.

Kowalski shoved me aside
like I'm not fit to lead.

-Well, you're fir to hit
an innocent tree there.

That's something, I guess.

-Ah, who am I kidding?

How can I lead?

I can't even beat PELT.

I mean, where can I
find freezing cold

in the middle of summer?

[TAPPING]

[GASP]

SKIPPER [OFFSCREEN]: Sno cones.

Of course.

[PUNCH]

-Ugh.

Ow.

Stupid tree.

-OK.

If I can eat this
in 30 seconds, I'll

have survived the
coldest of cold.

Here goes.

[LICK]

-Oh, brain freeze.

Brain freeze.

[MOANING]

[THUD]

[expl*si*n AND CRASH]

[COUGHING]

-Skipper-- I-- I mean, Skipper.

-Oh, what happened to you?

Wait, don't tell me.

Kowalski blew you guys up.

Maybe you're not such a hotshot
leader after all, Kowalski.

Heh, I knew it.

-Actually, Skipper,
quite the contrary.

-Marlene had a flood in her
habitat-- Scenario 1,403.

All we had to do was freeze
the water with my ice ray

and blow open a hole
to drain the water.

-All part of Commander
Kowalski's brilliant plan.

-Oh.

-Well, uh, what he's trying
to say, Skipper, is--

-Don't bother sugar coating it.

I get it.

I'm no longer key to this unit.

-But isn't that what
PELT will prove.

I-- I-- I'm sure you'll--

-I failed, OK?

It was the mother of
all brain freezes.

You're the better commander.

I've seen that.

-Skipper?

-Rico.

Smoke b*mb, please.

[GIBBERISH]

-Not an order.

A request.

Thus the please.

[GAGGING AND b*mb ROLLING]

[expl*si*n]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

-What just happened?

-I believe he quit.

[THUD]

-Ah.

-What?

[CHICKEN CLUCKING]

-The Blue Hen.

Rico--

[g*n sh**ting]

-Oh, you penguins
are so predictable.

Now that I got your
leader out of the picture,

you're helpless.

-Wait, you were behind all this?

-Ding ding.

And this time you're smokin'
swagger won't distract me.

-Oh, is that so,
beautiful chicken lady?

[CLUCK AND EGG PLOPPING OUT]

-Ah, ah.

Oh, oh.

-No.

Over it.

-Story of my life.

-I don't get it.

You're the reason Skipper quit?

-Yes.

I planned it and I ex*cuted it.

Bock bock brilliantly.

I rigged the stopwatch to
ruin Skipper's obstacle time.

[SLIDE CLICKING]

BLUE HEN [OFFSCREEN]:
I knew with Skipper's

diminished
self-confidence he would

invoke the silly
penguin PELT thing.

[SLIDE CLICKING]

BLUE HEN [OFFSCREEN]: Then I
arranged simple emergencies

pulled from Kowalski
scenario binder to make

him appear to be a
successful commander.

-Wait.

You mean those were all set up?

-Well, obviously.

You really think
someone's dumb enough

to get stuck in a
bell on their own?

-It was Julien.

[SLIDE CLICKING]

BLUE HEN [OFFSCREEN]:
Just a matter of time

until you Skipper skedaddled,
leaving you poised for capture.

-Oh, she's good.

-Bock.

And now here we are.

[SLIDE CLICKING]

-Next, with Kowalski's ice ray
I'll freeze the entire zoo.

And as the only remaining
animal attraction,

I'll gain enough notoriety
to get a reality show--

[SLIDE CLICKING]

- --become famous
for being famous--

[SLIDE CLICKING]

- --and get elected
the next senator

from the great
state of Delaware.

[CHICKEN CLUCKING]

-Wait.

I thought you wanted
to be president.

-I'm trying to be a little
more realistic this time, OK?

-You might get away with
most of that, but Delaware?

-That's right.

Delaware.

[g*n sh**ting]

[CHICKEN CLUCKING]

[DOOR OPENING]

-Now don't say anything.

I didn't return
for some sayonara.

Just came back to
get my favourite mug.

That's all.

And now that I have my favourite
mug, I'll be leaving now.

Don't worry about me.

You've got Commander Kowals--
hey, what's up with the ice?

[ICE SMASHING]

-[SHIVERING] Oh, Skipper.

It's the Bl--Blue Hen.

[GASP]

-She's back.

She's plotted everything.

-Course.

Knew Kowalski couldn't
be better than me.

[GASP]

[g*n sh**ting]

-What?

You're not supposed to be here.

-Says who, crazy chicken?

-But you quit.

-I missed my mug.

-Uh-- uh, mug?

I hadn't anticipated that random
bit of sentimentality from you.

But no matter.

This'll send a chill.

[g*n sh**ting]

[LAUGHTER]

-It's gonna--

[ICE SMASHING]

- --take--

[g*n sh**ting]

[ICE SMASHING]

- --more than--

[g*n sh**ting]

[ICE SMASHING]

- --cold.

-Bock, bock, but
it's an ice ray.

It's extreme.

It's Antarctic cold.

-Exactly.

Hiya.

[SLAPPING AND THUD]

-Bock.

-Prepare for some sub
zero nuggets, sister.

[g*n sh**ting]

-Bock.

[MOANING]

[FOOT DIPPING INTO WATER]

-Glad to have you back, Skipper.

-And by enduring
the ice ray, you

have survived the
coldest of cold.

-Way ahead of you,
ex-Commander Kowalski.

I've mastered PELT.

I am fired up and ready to lead.

Up high, boys, and
that's an order.

Hence, no please.

[THEME SONG]