36x06 - Women in Shorts

[bunniefuu]

♪

[EXCLAIMS]

[SCHOOL BELL RINGS]

♪

[BICYCLE BELL RINGING]

[TIRES SCREECH]

Okay, ladies,
let's all take out this month's book,

then open it, close it

- and break out the wine.
- _

[UNCERTAIN NOISES]

You're supposed to say "Woo." [CHUCKLES]

Luann, we're not feeling very "woo."

What we're feeling is woo-ried.

- Mm-hmm.
- This is an intervention.

I don't have a problem with drinking.

It's not the wine.

Luann, you have
an addiction to wine merch.

- _
- [SIGHS] And we say this out of love,

it's super annoying.

[MURMURING AGREEMENT]

But it's such a fun way of
telling the world I like wine.

"Mom Fuel,"
that "corks are for quitters."

"Wine is the answer,

what was the question?" [LAUGHS]

The question is do you want
to live your life like this?

Oh! And I suppose all your
throw pillows just say nothing.

Anyway,
it's not like it's hurting anyone.

Isn't it?

I'm the closing manager at Mom Goods.

I was injured when you got into
a fight with another customer

over an apron that says

"This is my wine bib."

[ASHAMED GROAN]

Luann, we're here for you.

B-But being a funny
wine mom is my thing.

I have absolutely
nothing else in my life.

- [CRYING]
- [SIGHS]

You like coffee, right?

What if your new personality was coffee?

Coffee merch doesn't get me there.

Chocolate?

"It's chocolate o'clock somewhere"?

That makes no sense, Bernice.

How about "proud sl*t"?

Hmm...

mm...

I love it!

And here is your very first merch.

_

[CHEERING AND LAUGHING]

[WHOOPING]

Goodbye, Malibu Stacy.

Good luck, Malibu Stacy.

Miss you already.

Goodbye, all you think piece-
inspiring Malibu Stacys.

I'm going to the real
world to find a little girl

who loves me the most.

- ♪ Closer I am to fine, yeah ♪
- _

♪ Closer I am... ♪

[BIRDS SINGING]

- ♪
- [CHILDREN GASP, MURMUR]

[GASPS] I knew this day would co...

And you're not here for me.

Hi, Shauna!

Um, who are you, freak?

Besides a freaky freak, you freak.

I'm Malibu Stacy, your Malibu Stacy.

I came here from Malibu Stacy Land

because a real girl who
plays with me needs my help.

And that's you, Shauna.

You still play with dolls?

[SCOFFS] No.

It's okay to be complicated.

As women, we can encompass multitudes.

Encompass my fist!

[STACY SCREAMS]

- [GRUNTS]
- Yeah, get her!

Get out of here
and leave me alone, loser.

I'm so sorry.
Meet me at home after school.

We'll have a tea party.
I love you so much.

[GRUNTS] You're not fighting me.

You're fighting your
fears of growing up.

- [GRUNTS]
- [POPS]

[SCREAMS]

[YAWNING]

All right, good night, Nelly.

Mama, could you tell me a story?

How about one from the
Kingdom of the Classy Ladies?

[CHUCKLING] Another one?

Ah, please,
I never get tired of their adventures.

Well, once upon a time,
there was a beautiful princess

named Muntzeena.

Oh, and she loved to dance
with all of her friends

atop the glittery stage of...

[NELSON] Lord Tracksuit's Manor!

[MRS. MUNTZ] One fine eve,

a party of knights of
the Order of the Bachelor

from the Valley of Silicon were there,

tossing much gold.

Did they bring a wizard with them

who could control the weather?

Oh, they sure did.

And boy, oh, boy, did he make it rain.

But treachery was in the air.

As the evil Princess Rylee with two Es

stepped onto the stage,
bidding the troubadour play

"Poureth Some Sugar Unto Me."

But that's Princess
Muntzeena's frolicking ditty.

- Rylee stole it!
- Indeed.

And filled with righteous fury,

Muntzeena removed her
magical Lucite heel

and chucked it at Rylee's stupid face.

Oh, Princess Muntzeena didn't get

docked two weeks' pay again, did she?

No. Because the keeper of the door,

Sir Gordo of the Latin Kings,

is fair and wise

and kind of into older broads.

So he banished Princess Rylee
to the shift of the morn,

when all the princes are sleeping off

last night's potions.

[NELSON] Then King Nelson came in,
stole all the ducats

and treated Muntzeena
to lunch at Krusty Burger.

Oh, my hero.

No, Mom, you're mine.

Ah, shut up.

[BOTH GRUNT AFFECTIONATELY]

Fun fact about Jennifer Garner, Marge:

She'll take a night
at home with the kids

over a Hollywood premiere
any day of the week.

I told you that!

Oh, I forgot the tampons.

Can you go grab a box?

Shh, the checkout stranger can hear.

They don't care what you buy.

Just get the tampons. We're in a hurry.

That's a happy graduation card.

Oh, it's not those things?

I guess I'm bad at shopping.

So you'll have to go get those things.

[GROANS] Fine.

Stop right there, Marge.

Don't play dumb, Homer.

Do you even realize all
the embarrassing stuff

your wife buys for you?

♪ Incompetent husband,
you weak little punk ♪

♪ Your selfless wife buys creams ♪

♪ To soothe the rash on your junk ♪

♪ Incompetent husband,
just be a grown man ♪

♪ She didn't flinch when she
bought you an XL bedpan ♪

♪ You weren't even injured ♪

♪ You weren't even sick ♪

♪ Just too drunk to
make it to the can ♪

♪ To the can, to the can ♪

♪ To the can, can, can... ♪

Stop shaming me in
front of Hans Moleman.

Oh, we're just getting started.

♪ Your fungus has infections ♪

♪ Your infections have the runs ♪

♪ Gassy n*pples, crotch foot ♪

♪ Massive hemorrhoids on your buns ♪

♪ You said they don't
remember or care what we buy ♪

♪ It's a little disconcerting ♪

♪ But I'm glad they're on my side ♪

♪ She gets you meds
for blood pressure ♪

♪ Cholesterol and gout ♪

♪ I want to get the tampons,
but I can't figure it out ♪

♪ Yes, you can, yes, you can ♪

♪ Yes, you can, can, can ♪

♪ She texted you a
photo of the brand ♪

♪ Incompetent husband,
we're so on to you ♪

♪ You're only bad at doing
things you don't want to do ♪

♪ You can't be this stupid ♪

♪ It's all just a ruse... ♪

Okay, okay, I'll do it!
I'll buy my wife tampons!

Just tell me where they are.

♪ Incompetent husband, aisle two. ♪

Breaking news. Smoke 'em if you got 'em.

A ship carrying America's
entire supply of cigarettes

has become lodged in the Panama Canal.

R, D, R, D, R, D.

[HORNS BLARING]

Do you think the honking is helping?

'Cause I don't!

Experts say the cigarette
shortage could mean months

before shelves are restocked
and lungs re-blackened.

Mm. I hope we have enough smokes
to last until this is over.

I'm sure we'll be okay

if we just pool all our cigarettes.

You know, share.

Yeah. Share.

Share the cigarettes.

Thing is, I don't have any.

Yeah, me neither.

[PATTY AND SELMA GROWL]

[BOTH GRUNTING]

Liar!

Busted!

Addict!

J'accuse!

J'accuse you!

- Aha!
- Aha!

[COUGHING, SPUTTERING]

[COUGHING]

- [BEEPING]
- [COUGHING]

_

_

Oh, hey there, handsome.
What's your name?

Dr. Julius Hibbert.

No, it's not.

Ugh. Remember,
tonight we're roleplaying as strangers,

meeting for a tawdry one-night stand

that my therapist says will
reinvigorate our marriage.

I'm a man of science, not improv.

Mm. Hmph.

Okay, okay, I'll give it a try.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Hello, stranger.

Got any sexually-transmitted
diseases I should know about?

Ugh. My name is Laverne McCray.

I'm a lingerie model.

Well, we have that in common.

You're a lingerie model?

No, um, my name is also Laverne McCray.

I-I mean Maverne MacDoolittle?

- Uh, I'm a doc...
- [GRUMBLES]

Documentarian.

Of motorcycles. Which I race.

For, uh, pleasure.

Oh, Maverne,
you're just full of surprises.

Help! This man is choking!

Is anyone here a doctor?

Me, I'm a...

Uh, I'm a-hoping you find a
doctor before it's too late.

You want me to let a man die
to give our marriage a boost?

It would be a start.

Oh, my God, he's turning blue.

I can help. I-I'm a French neurosurgeon.

No, he's not. We're just roleplaying.

You said if I stayed in character,
we could have sex.

I took an oath, woman.

I deserve passion!

A sad scene.

Remember, if you're going to role-play,

play it safe.

This has been a message from

the President's Council
on Marital Role-play,

which does not exist
because I'm only pretending

to be a spokesperson to
turn on the men in this bar.

Role-play, baby. I dig it.

Fireman Stu is hot for you.

I caught one.

We caught you, Luigi.

You've been smuggling diamonds
inside your four-cheese gnocchi.

Being caught with loaded gnocchi
is no "gn-jokey."

I want-a my mamma!

Eh, what you should want is a lawyer.

How's about-a both?

♪ She was making antipasto
with a chop, chop, chop-a ♪

♪ When her baby boy was taken
by the cop, cop, cop-a ♪

♪ With-a-out her son,
she knew her heart would-a stop-a ♪

♪ Life had given her
a sock in the jaw ♪

♪ So she headed up to Harvard ♪

♪ Where they have a law school-a ♪

♪ Her homespun wisdom made ♪

♪ The stuffed shirts drool-a ♪

♪ Well, she no speak-a so good ♪

♪ But she's nobody's fool-a ♪

♪ That's how she became ♪

♪ Mamma-at-law. ♪

It's-a not-a looking a-good, Mamma.

They gonna send-a me away forever.

Counselor Mamma, your closing argument?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Don't you dare take-a my sweet,
sweet, sweet

baby boy to jail.

You want to k*ll an old woman?

Uh, no?

Aw, thank you.

You too skinny. Have some ziti.

We find the defendant not guilty.

- [APPLAUSE]
- _

[MAMMA] Next week,
on the Mamma-At-Law...

Civil forfeitures laws
unfairly discriminate against

low income communities.

You too skinny!

♪ Mamma-at-law. ♪

["SERENADE NO. 13 FOR STRINGS
IN G MAJOR" BY MOZART PLAYING]

_

[DORA] I believe every great
dish is born of dreams.

I'll often awaken with a new creation

fully formed in my head.

_

Every morning,
I go to the farmer's market

to get inspired.

Each ingredient becomes a character

in the story of lunch.

Today's story is I have 14 bucks

and 500 kids to feed.

Salt.

Fat.

Acid.

Heat.

No, thanks.

I've eaten in restaurants
all over the world,

and Lunch Lady Dora's doing things

I never thought were possible...
or legal.

Someone needs to stop her.

Maybe the government?

[DORA] When I present my food,

I want it to evoke an emotion.

- Panic.
- Ah!

- ["THE FOUR SEASONS: SUMMER" BY ANTONIO VIVALDI]
- _

_

_

_

[DORA] If I wasn't a cook,
I'd probably be a painter

or a novelist.

Some other job where I could

drink vodka from a mug
and knock off by 2:00.

- ♪
- _

Narnia.

All hail! Our queen has returned!

Woodland friends, it is good to see you.

How has the kingdom fared in my absence?

The realm is troubled, milady,

and your wisdom is much required.

By royal decree, we command

that the roads of our
kingdom be improved

so that all may benefit.

Whoa, who's gonna pay for that?

Oh... hmm.

Ooh, what about this?

For every spell cast,

we impose a tariff of one gold piece.

You're aware that that unfairly
targets witches, right?

This is why so many of us
are moving to other kingdoms.

Well, you want better roads, right?

And affordable housing?
So you can live closer to work?

Yes, give it to us now.

So, the money for all that

has to come from somewhere.

That's the kingdom's job.

What about a property tax on moats?

Oh, yeah, soak the rich.

That's your answer to everything.

Calm down, my good people.

You hear that? She called us people!

That's r*cist!

Death to the tyrant!

Sorry, people! I mean subjects!

I mean... citizens?

[SCREAMS]

Ugh. I can't even have fun

in my dreams anymore.

So, hi.

This is my first time
on one of these sites.

I'm not really sure how this works,

but it's time to admit that I'm lonely.

Janice passed away six months ago,

and I'm finally ready to open my heart

to a new enemy.

We were at w*r for 50 years.

Oh, God, what a nemesis she was.

The most loathsome,
sorry excuse for a human being

you ever met.

May she burn in Hell.

- I know you're not supposed to talk about your ex,
- _

- but that relationship is a part of me.
- _

- Anyway, ever since I spit on her ugly grave,
- _

- I've been alone.
- _

I'm looking for someone
in my rage bracket.

I'm not young.

I don't have time to waste

exchanging passive-aggressive emails,

or sh**ting hostile stares
across a supermarket.

I'm looking for a real commitment.

If you think that could be you,
reach out.

I just want to make someone miserable

for the rest of their worthless life.

- Hmph.
- [CHIMING]

[PLAYING OVER RADIO]
♪ Jesus hates your Prius ♪

♪ The Lord loves his V8 Ford ♪

[KLAXON BLARES OVER RADIO]

[ANNOUNCER] We interrupt this
program for an emergency broadcast.

A massive tsunami is
headed for Springfield.

- You have ten minutes left to live...
- [GASPS]

...so if there's anything you
still need to do on this Earth,

now is the time.

_

Howdy, Helen.

- Thought you didn't see...
- [GRUNTS]

Oh, hey, there, Mrs. Lovej...

Ooh!

[TRAIN WHISTLE BLOWS]

Helen, are you okay?

[PANTING]

[PANTING]

Did I do someth...

[SIGHS] I can die now.

[KLAXON BLARES OVER RADIO]

We have a clarification
to our previous warning.

A tsunami of savings is
approaching Springfield

at Costington's Red Tag Clearance.

All is well, and on sale.

It's a great hobby.

Very, uh, manly?

I don't know...

Thanks. Yeah.

I enjoy it.

[CHILDREN LAUGHING, CHATTERING]

Oh, Milhouse fell down.

I think he's okay,

but it looks like the
poor guy's about to...

[MILHOUSE WAILING]

Yes, sweet music to my wallet.

Aw, I was so sure it was gonna be Janey.

She's coming off a
two-sleepover weekend.

Doesn't betting on bad
things happening to children

feel just a bit wrong?

I feel nothing, and I'm fine with that.

Someone just fell off the monkey bars.

[ALL GASP]

Willie, we need an ID on the faller.

[WILLIE] It's Sheri.

[GROANING]

Oh, yes! Yes!

[WILLIE] Correction,

the faller is Teri.

Repeat, Teri.

- [GROANING]
- Come to papa.

I-I can't be a part of this.

[WILLIE] Oy,

shut up, you debt-ridden chalk-sniffers.

We have a middle finger
on the playground.

Who flipped the bird?

Come on, weird foreign exchange student.

I cannot believe I'm saying this.

The bird-flipper is Lisa Simpson.

[GASPING]

Impossible. What were the odds?



I'm so disappointed in you guys.

Or should I say, for you guys.

Yoink.

Nice work.

Pleasure doing business with you.

♪

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

[BICYCLE BELL RINGS]

[RINGS]

♪

[NARRATOR] Every story needs a hero.

Every hero has a beginning.

Witness the rise of a legend.

- _
- You know, that Jake from State Farm

kind of does it for me.

You want to go upstairs?

Yeah, all right.

♪


♪

Shh!