02x02 - Thor

[bunniefuu]

Tyrannis: So you say
the wolves around here

are really that big?

Harpy:
Oh, the biggest,

big as, like,


Tyrannis: And I can k*ll one
with this sideways bow?

There! I see one!

Holy moly, he's big.
[Wolf snarling]

Will I be able to carry it?
It's very important

that I carry it on my shoulders
as I enter town.

[Wolf roars]

Come on!
He's getting away!

Harpy: We should not cross
the border

into the northern world.

Tyrannis:
I'm sure it's fine.

Let's get this b*stard.

Harpy: Careful.
That tree is sacred.

How sacred would you say?

[Theme music playing]

[Singers chanting]

Singers: Whoo!

Tyrannis: The Norse gods
are coming here?

Why?
What's that about?

Does anyone know
what it might be about?

Deliria: Someone broke
their sacred tree

using an arrow tipped
with Olympian steel.

Tyrannis: Wow, I wouldn't have
even thought they have trees.

How sacred is this one
exactly?

Deliria: It connects
Valhalla and Hel.

They have two places you go
when you die,

depending on whether you're
"good" or "bad."

It's way too confusing.
I mean, you're dead.

How good can you be?

Stupendous: But why do we
have to be here?

Aw, crap! Are we food?
Deliria: No,

the Norse gods get pissy
if there isn't a huge crowd.

[Thunderclap]

[Majestic music playing]

Jormungandr: Ladies and
gentlemen, I introduce to you,

coming today from Asgard, the
greatest city in the universe...

Deliria: Wrong.
Jormungandr: the gods

of the northern world!

First to be introduced,
the father of all the gods,

protector of heroes
who join him

when they die.
Stupendous: If they're dead,

he didn't protect them
much, did he?

Jormungandr: Please welcome
the great Odin.

Next to introduce,
the goddess of the dead.

She's "hella" powerful.
This is a funny joke

because her name is Hela!

Also next, look out,
he's gonna trick ya.

Please welcome
the trickster god,

who is named Loki!

Ha ha ha ha!
Tyrannis: That's his thing?

He does tricks?
Stupendous: Lame.

Do these guys even have
a w*r god?

Jormungandr: Also next,
the god of thunder.

Please welcome...

[Thunderclap]
Thor!

Stupendous: Whoa!
Tyrannis: Stupe, are you OK?

Stupendous: I think I just got
in touch with my straight side.

-Over here!
-Look upon our fair breasts!

Thor: Your chests are
nearly as beautiful

as my own.
Woman: Score!

Tyrannis: So, hypothetically,
if this meeting doesn't

go well, what happens?

Deliria: w*r between Asgard
and Olympus.

Tyrannis: And is that more
of a you problem

or an us problem?
Deliria: Well, the w*r would

go on forever, and mortals
would be the first to die.

So if I were you,
I'd mingle my a*s off.

Tyrannis: Copy that.

Loki: Do you see
this little flower,

or is it a big flower?

And where are
your sandals?

[People murmur]

-You're not impressed?
-Oh, no, it was good.

A good little trick
you did there.

Loki: My tricks are not little.
I represent chaos.

-Got it, yeah.
-For example,

you and I are talking
right now, yes?

-That we are.
-And you say hello

and expect me to say hello.
Tyrannis: Sure.

But instead, I hand you a snake.
[Snake hissing]

I am Loki!

Tyrannis: I'm sorry.
I'm having a hard time making

that one feel appreciated.

What? What are we looking at
so intensely?

Thor: So, what are you
the goddess of?

Stupendous: Me? I'm not
the goddess of anything.

-Could have fooled me.
-[Giggles]

I don't know what that was.
Hee hee hee!

I mean, grrr!
I'm a soldier.

Tyrannis: Wow, that looks
like it went well.

Stupendous: Oh, yeah, I'm into
this guy, and when Stupe aims

to hit something,
Stupe don't miss.

The Stuper the berry,
the Stuper the fruit.

You feel me?
Deliria: Thor?

I wouldn't if I were you.
Been there, done that.

He and I had a thing
back in the day.

I mean, if you're into
sloppy seconds, have at it.

Tyrannis: Mother,
what the hell was that?

Deliria: What? I'm offering
advice to my daughter.

Tyrannis: No, you're
sex-blocking her.

We need a better word
for that.

Deliria:
It's for her own good.

A mother looks after
her daughter in these matters.

Tyrannis:
So you genital-preventing

your own daughter had nothing
to do with jealousy?

-Jealousy?
-You watched him flirt

with her, and I watched
you watching.

Deliria: So we both like
watching things.

Look at us
and our kinks.

If anything, he was trying
to make me jealous.

That's exactly the kind of mind
game I want to protect her from.

-Hello, Thor.
-Oh, hi.

Hippocampus: I can't believe Ty
and Stupe got invited

to that thing just 'cause
they're "demi-gods."

I mean, they were born
with legs.

Isn't that enough?
Shlub: Screw that party.

We'll have fun together.
We should go and have a drink.

Hippocampus: Eh, maybe.

I might just blow up some stuff
and call it a night.

Shlub: Oh, look, the Norse gods
brought trolls with them.

Hippocampus: Those are trolls?
Those guys are evil.

And I heard if you get one
to bleed,

their blood turns to gold.

We should mess him up.
We should drain him.

Shlub: You would k*ll someone
for money just like that?

Hippocampus: A troll? Hell yeah.
The world would thank us.

Shlub: That sounds
way too self-satisfied.

Hippocampus: Self-satisfied?

Are we not talking
about trolls here?

Is this how I find out
my dad loves trolls?

They eat children!
Shlub: You don't get it because

you don't drink with people.
Hippocampus: You're going

to highroad me for not
being a drunk now?

Shlub: It's a vibe,
and one you'd do well

to spend some time in.
Hippocampus: Spend some time?

Who the hell else do you
drink with?

Shlub: I've had drinks
with ogres, with krakens.

There's a monster in Africa
that's just a horse

with a long neck, and I've had
drinks with those guys.

Hippocampus: You're talking
about giraffes?

Giraffes are peaceful.
-They're absolute monsters.

Their master plan starts
with convincing you fellows

they're just animals,
but trust me.

They'll grow whatever it takes
to eat everything.

-OK, fine!
-And yet, and yet!

I've sat down
and had a drink

with one, and we found
common ground.

Hippocampus: So you're telling
me if I sit down and drink

with a fricking troll,
I'll come away from that

not thinking he's
a complete piece of crap?

Shlub: Why don't we
find out?

Excuse me,
my friend and I were

just talking about how much we
hate bridge trespassers.

Troll: Oh, don't get me started!
I mean, hello!

A bridge is not just
some friggin' pile of rocks

for you to walk over.
It's someone's home!

Deliria:
Thor, old friend.

Thor: Oh, hello.

Would you like me to look
upon your breasts now?

-Darling, it's me.
-Have we met?

Deliria: You can stop
the charade now.

I dumped you, and I'm sorry
if you can't get over it.

Thor: I'm so sorry.
I really have no recollection.

You are saying you
and me, we...

-You are joking.
-I'm very bad at joking.

I do know one joke, though.
A man has accidentally

eaten the feces
of his teacher.

It's funny because
in our language, the word

for teacher, man, feces,
eaten, and accidentally

all sound
almost identical!

Deliria: We had sex
for hundreds of years!

You called me Spanky Tush!
I called you Mr. Lollipop!

Thor: This does not ring
a bell, or as we say,

"gut a fish."

Deliria: Pretending he
doesn't remember me?

Can you believe the lies
this guy tells?

Tyrannis: Well, maybe he
actually doesn't remember you.

Deliria: Oh, he remembers me,
and he'll do the same thing

to her, and she won't
be able to handle it.

Tyrannis: Oh, right, this is
something you can handle,

which is why you're so angry.
-Don't change the subject!

This is about Stupendous,
and he does not get

to do this to me--
I mean, her.

That meant nothing.
I mix up my words sometimes,

like "horse" and "fish."
I did that once.

Tyrannis: Mother,
you are flailing right now,

and I'm not judging. I know
exactly what you're feeling.

You're feeling weak, irrelevant,
like everyone knows

you wet the bed,
as a random hypothetical,

and the minute you demand they
stop thinking you wet beds--

again hypothetically,
you've put yourself in a spiral

that ends with you walking
around with your sheets,

making everyone smell them
to confirm there's no urine.

Which is pathetic, or would be
if anyone had ever done it.

Deliria: What are you saying,
besides you wet beds?

Tyrannis: The minute you start
p*nis-deflecting

your own daughter,
you're headed into trouble.

Deliria: Not if I'm headed
into awesome.

Horse exit!

See?

Athena: Hela, fair warning.

I will have your brother
tonight.

-Not if I get there first.
-Uh, I have wings on my feet.

I get everywhere first.
Hela: It looks like you may be

too late, as my brother has
already chosen a bed partner.

Thor: I'm so curious
about you,

like, what's your deepest fear?
Tell me.

Stupendous: Pretty much a tie
between nothing and nobody.

What's yours?
Thor: Mine is that I will fall

onto an upturned chair and be
penetrated by one of its legs.

-Yeah, that would haunt me.
-But my biggest fear

is I'm afraid of not
kissing you.

Deliria:
Oh, hello there.

I brought drinks
for the lovebirds.

-Mom.
-There are some who say gods

should only be with gods,
but you're not afraid

to date beneath you.
Love wins.

-Mom.
-I'm excited by how strong

your daughter is.
Deliria: For a mortal, sure.

She was strong even as a baby.
You would have been

several million years old
by then.

Does that trouble you,

the almost incalculable
age difference?

Tyrannis: Mom, isn't there
a city you could be blowing up?

Or look, this servant spilled
a drink on you.

-No, I didn't.
-Seems like a problem

that demands all
of your attention right now.

Doesn't she deserve
to be a goat?

I know I'd love to see it.
Deliria: I'm fine, Ty.

-You're not, Mother.
-I hear you're looking

to couple up.
I have every set of genitals,

and they are fresh.
Deliria: Get off me, worm.

[Goat bleats]

Troll: So then
this mermaid goes,

"Well, you're
my first troll,

so I guess we're
both new at this."

[All laugh]

Troll: But I didn't love her,
which is why I had to

toss her back. I knew I couldn't
give her what she needed.

Shlub: Sounds like you did
the honorable thing.

Hippocampus: Yup, yup, so lemme
ask you something, Grarg,

speaking of love, and I see
you're a real romantic...

Grarg: That I am.
That I am.

Hippocampus: Would you say
that maybe not all people

should be loved the same amount
automatically?

Grarg: Now you're talking
my language.

Hippocampus: Interesting.
So what do you think about

this concept of some people
being better than others?

-Are we cool?
-Well, I mean,

don't say anything you
wouldn't say among friends.

Grarg: Well, it sounds like you
guys are talking about...

mothers.

-Wait. Mothers?
-Mothers deserve

to be lifted
above everyone.

They give us life,
they nourish us,

and what do we do in return?
We take 'em for granted.

They should be cherished,
every last one of them.

Shlub: Absolutely.
And I'm not even winking.

Grarg: If I could have
my mom back for one day,

you know what I would do?

Anything she wanted.

Hippocampus: To mothers!
Odin: To Olympus!

I see friendships forming.
Love blossoming.

My boy Thor's made
a new friend, looks like.

And mutual respect
between our two god-doms!

-Hear, hear!
-And even though you guys really

borked our Yggdrasil Tree,
which is, like, the single

most sacred--but whatever.
I'm past it, I'm past it.

You guys are cool,
we're cool, I'm cool.

Anyway, Skol!
All: Skol!

Tyrannis: Hey, come on, Mom.
Let this one go.

w*r's been averted,
they're letting go

of all the tree silliness,
and look how happy Stupe is.

They're clearly hitting it off.
Stupe: Ha ha ha ha!

Wait, the feces came
from his teacher?

That is hilarious!

-She's making a huge mistake.
-What if she's not?

For that matter,
what if she is?

It doesn't take away
from you at all.

You're still hot,
and I don't need anyone

unpacking that.
It's an objective compliment.

Deliria: This isn't about me.
I need to prove

he remembers having sex
with me.

Tyrannis: That sounds like it's
very much about you.

Loki: There you are.
Tell me, Mr. King,

do you like snakes?
Tyrannis: No,

we already established
I don't.

Loki: Then why are you
drinking one?

Tyrannis: Aah!
[Chuckles]

That's very clever, but we're
having a discussion here.

Loki: What discussion can be
more important

than your missing sandals?
Where could they be?

Inside of this snake?

Tyrannis: It's fun.
It's very fun stuff.

You do a lot with snakes
and sandals, I see,

but my mother and I are talking
about a family matter.

Loki: Yes, I've heard.
You have been spurned

by a lover.
Tyrannis: It's fine. She's fine.

Loki: One time,
my lover chose another man.

Then do you know what I did?
I made myself look exactly

like this other man
and made love to her as him.

[Chuckles]

The look on her face
when I revealed myself.

It was delicious revenge!

Tyrannis: To get your girlfriend
to have sex with you, thinking

you were someone better?
Am I missing something cultural?

Loki:
It was chaotic power!

She will never forget what I
did to her that day!

Tyrannis: And this was
a burn on her, not you?

-I'm going to get more snakes.
-There is something

to what he's saying.
Tyrannis: Are you kidding?

You want to turn yourself
into Stupendous

and have sex with Thor?
Deliria: Of course not,

but if Thor thinks I'm
Stupendous,

he'll tell her things he
refuses to tell me.

Namely that he remembers.

Tyrannis: I will not let you
do this. It is petty,

embarrassing, and messed-up.
And there's consent issues.

Deliria: As petty, embarrassing,
and messed-up

as breaking a tree
and pretending you didn't?

Tyrannis: Wait. You knew?
Why haven't you told anyone?

Deliria: Because we are
a family, and families

let each other do petty,
embarrassing,

and messed-up things
if they want.

Tyrannis: Aren't families
supposed to save each other

from themselves?
Deliria: I don't have

the slightest idea
what families do.

-But you just said that--
-Let me put it this way:

You out me, I out you.

So, unless you have
more integrity than me,

I have a trick to play.

All: ♪ Well, he reached
for the door ♪

♪ And his willy hit
the floor ♪

♪ And that's why they
call him Johnson! ♪

Grarg: You know what I
never thought about?

So that song presupposes
a world

where the nickname Johnson
exists before the guy with the--

Hippocampus: Oh, my God!
I'm a super-genius,

and I never even thought
of that!

Grarg: That's why you can only
sing it when you're wasted.

Shlub: He's funny!
You see that?

Funny, thoughtful,
a man full of surprises.

Hippocampus: That he is.
[All laugh]

Grarg: I know I'm just
drinking to escape.

You wanna know
my darkest secret?

Shlub:
Sounds very vulnerable.

Hippocampus: And yet dark.
Grarg: I'm in love

with my best friend's
girlfriend.

Shlub: The mermaid?
Grarg: No!

Connie was just
a distraction.

Her name is Grelda, but she's
never gonna leave Grunk.

Is this gonna be
enough food?

All: ♪ Malog mog mog,
den malog grog grog ♪

♪ Den malog mog grog
grog p*nis!

Shlub: And when all is
said and done, we are

just guys,
singing about our parts.

Hippocampus:
You know what, Grarg? Grarg.

Grarg, come in close.
I'm glad I got to know you.

Grarg: Same, but now
I gotta drain you.

Hippocampus: What?

Deliria as Stupe: Hey, I got
some of this yeasty swill,

which I love,
because I'm Stupe!

[Gulps, belches]

I love how much gas
is in it.

Thor: This reminds me
of another joke.

A milkmaid goes
to fetch some water,

and her cow lifts her skirt
with its flatulence.

This is funny because
once again--

Deliria as Stupe: Hilarious.
I'm Stupe.

I talk plain.
Ha ha! Butts.

So I have a question.
You and my mom, you were

just messing with her, right?
You and her had a thing

that you remember, right?
Tyrannis: Mother, I thought

about it, and I cannot
let you do this.

Thor: You are mistaking
your sister for your mother,

which is very amusing
because--

Deliria as Stupe:
Ty, don't get in the way here.

I'm Stupe,
and Thor was just about

to tell me something
about our mother.

Tyrannis: Don't listen to her.
She's my dumb mother,

about to do
a very dumb thing.

Deliria: What did we say
about keeping quiet?

Thor: Stop! Stop this!
Both: Stay out of this!

Thor: Oof! Aah!
[Deliria and Tyrannis groan]

Stupendous:
Hey, I got us some

of that swill I like--
What the hell!

Tyrannis: Wait, so Norse gods
can die?

You're telling me that
the canonical real story

of the beloved god Thor
is now that he died at a party

on Mt. Olympus when the goddess
Deliria shoved him and he got

fatally penetrated by a chair?
Deliria: Yes.

Stupendous: What the hell
were you thinking?!

Deliria: I wasn't thinking.
Aah! What is this feeling?

There's a feeling
in my stomach.

-Is it like a pit?
-Yes,

like a pit of bad.
A badness in my stomach.

-Yes, that's called shame.
-Which you should be feeling!

Tyrannis: I warned you about it,
but the more pressing issue is

the probable end
of humanity.

Oh, let me see if I
can fix this.

Is--is there a way we can
make this look heroic?

Ah, OK, OK.
He's not impaled on a chair.

He was stabbed.
That's a little better.

Hey, he--he fought valiantly...
[Grunting]

against...

a mouse.

No, a giant mouse, who,

after k*lling Thor, was cursed
forever to be small.

They're never gonna
buy this, are they?

Odin: My brave son did
everything he could,

but the giant mouse proved
too powerful.

We're told he fought
bravely, but alas,

this was
the giant mouse's day.

Tyrannis: I knew we'd pull
this off. The peace holds,

and they've got themselves
a great little story.

Maybe sometimes a price
doesn't have to be paid.

Deliria: Aah!

Odin: Such is
the legacy of Thor,

God of Thunder,

k*lled by a giant mouse.

Deliria: Aah!

Very sorry.

Odin: That's actually
kind of cool.

Deliria: Aah!

It's this thing
in my stomach.

I get a little relief
when I scream fire,

but it just comes
right back.

Wah!
Tyrannis: God, I'm telling you,

that is shame.
You did something shameful.

Deliria: Fine,
let's call it shame.

I just need to get rid of it.
Should I set fire

to more things? Whoa!
Tyrannis: It won't work,

Trust me.
I'm no stranger to it.

I'm carrying a fair amount
of shame at all times.

-So help me get rid of it.
-As far as I know,

there's only one way that's
even halfway reliable.

Face your daughter.
-Am I spitting fire on her?

Stupendous:
I'll just deflect it.

We can do this all day.

Tyrannis: No, you're not
spitting fire on her.

Just say the words
"I'm sorry."

-Do I have to mean them?
-Start by saying them.

Deliria: I'm sorry.

Oh, that does feel
slightly better.

Stupendous:
Maybe try meaning it.

Deliria: I'm sorry...

that I can't mean it
any more than this,

but I am willing to say it.
I'm sorry.

Stupendous: It's a start.
Tyrannis: And now, I'm afraid

both of us have to come clean
with those guys.

Deliria: My son and I have
an announcement.

Grunk: Let's drain
the fish first.

Hippocampus:
Drain me? Why?

Grunk: The word under the bridge
is your blood gets us high.

Hippocampus:
You don't even know?

You're draining me
on spec?!

Shlub:
You people are terrible.

Grarg: Yeah.
We're trolls.

Hippocampus: Dad, now you're
saying they're bad?

Shlub: Yes, because he
didn't play fair.

Hippocampus: Oh, hilarious!
You hear that, Grarg?

You didn't play by the rules
of getting wasted!

Shlub: Grarg, friend,
come on, please.

You felt something.
We sang fun songs.

Hippocampus: Grarg, Grarg,
come on, find it, find it, man!

Shlub: I said giraffes
are the worst.

You agreed.
Grarg: They are.

Hippocampus: You cried
on my shoulder.

The thing with that girl,
your best friend's wife.

What's her name? Grelda!
Grunk: Grelda?

You slept with Grarg?

Grarg: She loves me more!
[Grunting]

Grunk: You b*stard!
Grelda: Don't hurt him!

Shlub: This is probably
our best chance.

Hippocampus: Yep.
[Punches landing, trolls grunt]

[Both panting]

Hippocampus: Wow!
That was freaky.

Shlub, chuckling:
Nice memory!

Hippocampus: You know what, Dad?
We should drink more often.

Shlub: Yes,
that's my fishy boy!

Tyrannis: I really appreciate
you giving us the chance

to make things right.
Deliria: And I'm sorry

I k*lled your son.
Loki: It was the ultimate trick.

Deliria: No, it wasn't.
It was shameful.

and tricks are stupid.

Odin: Thank you
for repairing our tree,

and to be honest, I never
quite clicked with Thor,

so, yeah,
this matter is closed.

Thor should be up there now
if you want to see him.

Stupendous: You don't have
to ask me twice.

Tyrannis: So,
he is immortal?

Odin: No, he's dead, but you can
go up and he can come down.

Tyrannis: You've got
a very flexible ontology here.

Odin: Wait. It's been
bothering me all night.

You look familiar.
Spanky Tush?

Deliria: Mr. Lollipop?
Odin: Yes!

It was us who had sex!

I disguised myself
as my son Thor

because I saw you were attracted
to him, which made me jealous.

Deliria: Oh, that makes
so much more sense!

I told you no one
would have forgotten me.

Tyrannis: Yes, Mother, no one
would have forgotten you,

but somehow, I forgot
that all gods are sociopaths.

Odin: This reminds me
of a joke.

Deliria: We don't need
to hear it.

Tyrannis: Well, love is
in the air. Anyone up for--

Ladies: We're busy.
Tyrannis: OK, copy that.

Odin: A toast!

To my brave son Thor, who is

canonically dead now.
All: Skol!

Odin: All in all,
it was a good trip.

Hela, I hear you hooked up
with Apollo.

Hela:
He was baby soft.

Odin: And, Loki,
amazing work down there.

You did some of your best stuff.
Heh heh heh! Did you guys see

when that one guy's drink turned
into snakes?

And then his whole chair
turned into snakes!

[Laughter]
Odin: So many snakes!

Tyrannis: That's his thing?
He does tricks?

No, it's good, a good
little trick you did there.

I'm just trying to get
my head around it.

[Laughter continues]

Loki: My next trick
will be Ragnarok!

The sky darkening,
monsters from all corners

of the earth converging
on Asgard, all the gods dying,

and the sun and stars
falling into the sea!

[Silence, one man coughing]

Hela: Does anyone want
more fish?

Man: Did you get any of that?

Woman: Bento.
[All cheer]