02x06 - National Lampoon's "The Odyssey"!

[bunniefuu]

Tyrannis:
And the final stop

on the palace tour is
right here, my bedroom.

Kayleigh: Oh.
Is your bed cozy?

Tyrannis: It's very cozy.
I sleep like a baby.

Some mornings, I don't even
get up until lunchtime.

Sorry.
I'm bad at reading signals.

Were you sending me one?
Kayleigh: Yes.

Why else would I ask
if your bed is cozy?

Tyrannis: That's the first thing
I ask about beds.

What else would you want
to know about one?

Kayleigh:
If they sleep hot?

Tyrannis: Oh, that's true.

This one sleeps very hot.

Oh, wait.
Was that also a signal?

Deliria: Whatever you're doing
is unimportant. Come with me.

Tyrannis: Mother, I'm with
a friend, and I'm beginning

to think that she's
about to touch my...

Aah! Mom! No! Why?!

Deliria: Because listen
to your mother.

Tyrannis: Oh!

Deliria: Normal form.

Kayleigh: Oh! Thank you.
I'll be going now.

Tyrannis: Do you... oh, OK.
Deliria: Normal form.

Normal form.
[Rat squeaking]

Ah. I forgot you were
just holding a rat.

Stupendous: OK, so what's
this thing that's more important

than me polishing a spear?

Deliria: Your father has
something to show you.

Stupendous:
He shows us every day.

I could draw it from memory.

Shlub: Not that. This.

I'm calling her
"Deliria's Rump,"

in honor of Deliria's rump.

Now, what we call a floor,
boaters call a deck.

What we call a big pole,
they call a mast.

And what we call a wiping hand
side, they call starboard.

Stupendous: We know the parts
of a boat, Shlub.

Shlub: Well, I'm going
to hold you to that,

because there will be
a quiz later.

Hippocampus: Excellent.
You bought a boat.

Can we be done looking at it?

Shlub: Oh, you'll be
looking at it

for quite a while.

We're going on a family trip.

Tyrannis: A what?
And I'm asking

specifically about
the first word.

Shlub: A family trip

to the island of Storgos.

It's my mother's birthday.
Tyrannis: Mother?

Great, so a grandmother
we've never even heard of.

Checks out with
my understanding of "family."

Shlub: Wonderful.
Stupendous: But so,

if we gotta meet
this new grandma, why...

Shlub: Not new, just never
mentioned her before.

Tyrannis: Didn't seem
important, I suppose.

Shlub: Never came up.
Stupendous: Yeah,

I don't care either way.
I was gonna say

why do we have to go
the slowest way possible?

Hippocampus: Yeah,
can't we just fly?

Tyrannis: Yeah, why can't
we just fly there?

Shlub: We certainly could,
but we'd

miss all that bonding time.

Your grandmama is going
to be so impressed

by this beautiful,
loving family,

and beautiful, loving families
take boat trips together.

Hippocampus: Do they, though?
Shlub: Well, the boat salesman

said yes.
Oh, and he said

that parents get to wear these
on family boat trips.

Tyrannis: You're putting an
awful lot of stock in whatever

this salesman told you.
Shlub: He told me to.

Hippocampus: Come on, Mom.
We're not doing this, right?

We don't have to do this?
Tyrannis: There's no way

I'm putting on that hat.

Deliria: I think it's
a wonderful idea.

[Kids groan]
Deliria: On the boat.

[Theme music playing]

[Singers chanting]

Singers: Whoo!

Shlub and Deliria:
♪ They threw him overboard

♪ They threw him
overboard ♪

♪ They picked him up
by the scruff of his neck ♪

♪ And threw him overboard

[Gulps]
Come on, kids.

Why aren't you singing
old sailor songs with us?

Tyrannis: we don't know
any sailor songs.

Shlub: You don't know
"They Threw Him Overboard"?

Stupendous: Nope.
Shlub: "My Leg Is Gone,

My Leg Is Gone"?
Hippocampus: Never heard it.

Shlub:
"Overboard He Fell"?

"We're k*lling the Captain,
Who's In, Who's In"?

"Let's All Bugger
Out of Boredom"?

Come on.
These are classics.

[Tyrannis retches]
Dad, can you steer

a little less drunk? I've thrown
up more than I think I ate.

Shlub: I'm steering
awfully sober,

considering how drunk I am.

Hippocampus: Just stick
to the coastline.

No one knows if maps
are accurate yet.

Shlub: "Stick to the coastline"?
Who and whose wife

are wearing the captain's hats?

Deliria: Children,
back of the boat, now.

It's called a poop deck,
and yes, you can.

Deliria: You three have been
challenging that man

since we left the dock,
and I am sick of it.

Tyrannis: But, Mother,
he doesn't even know

what he's doing.
He just has this idea

in his head about "beautiful,
loving families"

that for some reason
involves a boat...

Deliria: And that
makes him happy.

Clearly, the man's ego
is at stake,

and I don't care why, but I will
not spend the next few days

or years dealing
with Insecure Shlub sex.

It's the most incredible drag,
and I will k*ll you

rather than you saddle me
with that. Are we clear?!

What if we get lost?

Deliria: Then we'll
find our way.

Now you three are going back
over there, and you are going

to smile and you are going
to make him feel supported

by his beautiful, loving family.

[Thunderclap]

All: ♪ Nothing to eat

♪ And nothing to drink

♪ I think I'm going
to diiiie ♪

Shlub: Wonderful boat,
isn't she?

I love how Deliria's Rump
dances on the waves.

Others: ♪ The watery grave,
the watery grave ♪

I'd better go trim the sail.

Others: ♪ We're going to visit
the watery grave ♪

[Stupendous grunts]
Others: ♪ The watery grave

Stupendous: Aah!
Others: ♪ The watery grave

♪ I'm going to visit
Hippocampus: Stupe?

Stupe!
Others: ♪ The watery grave

Stupendous: Aah! Damn it!

Yeah.

Stupe!

Oh, come on!

Mermaid: Mmm.
Stupendous: Hmm?

Thanks for the, uh,
air in my mouth.

Mermaid:
You can call it a kiss.

I'm Maya.
Stupendous: I'm Stupendous.

I can swim way better
than what you saw, by the way.

Frickin' jellyfish got me.
I hate those guys.

Maya: Let me take care
of that for you.

Mwah.

Feel better?

Stupendous: Heh heh!
Feeling no pain.

Do you live around here?

Maya: No, I'm on a migration
with my family.

Stupendous: Heh! Yeah, me, too.
I was hating it until just now.

Maya: Ha ha! Want to show me
how well you swim?

I... I could do the "air
in the mouth" thing again.

Oh, I'll take some air
in the mouth anytime.

[Hippocampus grunts, pants]

Stupe, what the hell
happened down there?

You were under for so long, you
should not be alive right now.

Stupendous: Oh, you know how
long I can hold my breath?

You've tracked it?
Hippocampus: No, I'm saying

no land-based mammal could have.

You met a mermaid
down there, didn't you?

- So what if I did?
- Did she save your life?

- Yeah.
- That's what they do, Stupe.

They're famous for it.
Stupendous, chuckling: Oh, no.

Sounds terrible.
Hippocampus: They save

your life, show you a good time,
get in your head, and then

they lure you to some
underwater location,

and leave you broken,

usually drowned,
at the bottom of the sea.

Wow.
Pretty big generalization.

Hippocampus:
Yeah, a generalization

like "sharks want
to eat you."

I would love to see one try!

Hippocampus: My point is,
mermaids are trouble,

and your heart's too big.
You're an easy mark.

Stupendous:
Maybe I just want a fling.

Maybe this vacation
just got good for me.

Hippocampus: Promise me, you
will not fall for this mermaid.

Stupendous: OK, I promise,
to live my life!

Shlub: Look, the storm
is clearing.

We should be coming up
on that lighthouse about now.

Hmm. Well, apparently, we're
a little off course.

Not to worry.
The far bigger emergency

right now is I've lost my hat.
Where could you be?

Tyrannis: Mother, we have been
good, we have been supportive,

but Operation Indulge Dad
has been a bad idea

that's only getting worse.
Can you please use

your god powers to get us
to Storgos?

Deliria: Hmm, he is looking
for his hat, so I suppose

I could give a little push
in the right direction.

Let me just get a sense
of where we are.

Where are we?

There's nothing here.
No!

Tyrannis: Well, Mom'll
figure it out soon enough.

She'll get us back on track...
Deliria: Oh, no! Ooh!

I have no landmarks!
I'm helpless!

My powers are worthless
when I'm this disorientated!

I could fly across the ocean
for weeks and still be nowhere,

and then how would I
get back to you?

I would never find my way back!

I'd be lost!
I am lost!

We're all lost!
We're lost!

Ohh!

Tyrannis: And we're
going to die.

Shlub:
Good news, everyone.

I've found my captain's hat.
It was inside me.

Tyrannis:
This is terrible.

Deliria:
If anyone needs me,

I'll be here, for eternity,

drinking.
Stupendous: I'm having fun.

I'm friggin'
loosey goosey over here.

Shlub: All right,
first and foremost,

I have my hat,
so that's covered.

And I wouldn't say we're lost.

I'd say we're in between periods
of knowing where we are.

Tyrannis: Perfect spin
as always, Captain Dad.

Now, I have a question.

What is the part of the boat
underwater in the back?

Stupendous: Oh, this is
the quiz? The rudder.

No, not that. It's under.
It's made of wood.

Stupendous: Keel?
Tyrannis: Hull?

Shlub: No. It's way in the back.
It's made of wood.

Hippocampus: The whole boat
is made of wood.

Stupendous: You're talking
about the rudder.

- No, not that.
- The strake!

Gunwale! Planking?

Now you're making things up.

It's in the water.

- The rudder.
- It's made of wood!

- It's the rudder.
- Oh, hang on.

It's the rudder.
I kept thinking udder,

and I knew that wasn't right.

Anyway, the rudder's broken.

- Are you kidding?!
- Relax.

It's just one little part
of a very big boat.

All right, that does it.
I'm taking over.

I'm the captain.
Deliria and Shlub: What?

Tyrannis: You two let us down
yet again, so I'll get

this "beautiful, loving family"
to your dumb mom's dumb island!

And I'm taking this.
Shlub: So you're married

to your mother now, is that it?

Tyrannis: What?
Shlub: Well, you're wearing

matching hats, and where
there's smoke, there's fire.

Tyrannis: No, Dad!
Shlub: Right under my nose.

Unbelievable.
Tyrannis: Dad?

Shlub: Tell me this.
Does she say my name

when you make love?
Tyrannis: Mother,

please remove your hat.
It's confusing Dad.

Now, as I see it,
there are two things

that need
our immediate attention:

straightening the mast,
which requires strength;

and fixing the rudder,
which requires a strong swimmer.

Stupendous: I got the rudder!
[Splash]

Tyrannis:
What's that about?

She's got mermaid fever.

Tyrannis: Ooh, boy.

Mermaids, huh?

We all know what that's about.

Been there myself.

Deliria: When were you
with a mermaid?

Shlub: Name 5 parts
of a mermaid.

Tyrannis: All right, fine.
I've never had the pleasure.

I thought we were doing
sailor talk.

Oh, boy.
This rudder's pretty messed up.

Could be down here a while.

Maya: There you are.

Both: Mm.

Maya: Do you want to go
to fourth base with me?

Stupendous: Huh?
Maya: Oh, mermaids have 6 bases,

and I'm ready to go
to fourth with you.

Both: Mm.

Stupendous: Wow.

Maya: I didn't think we'd go
all the way to sixth,

but it felt right.
[Blows air]

Stupendous: You are not who
I thought you'd be.

Maya: Who did you think I'd be?
Mermaid stereotype?

Get in your head, leave you
crazy or drowned

at the bottom of the sea?
Stupendous: No. [Scoffs]

What?
Lure me to my death?

Maya: Ha ha ha ha!
Nobody said "lure."

But it's OK.
I know the rep.

Important part is
you're open-minded.

Here, I want you to have this.

Stupendous: Does that mean
we're going steady?

Maya: Can I tell you
another secret?

There is actually
a seventh base.

Stupendous: h* h*, whoa!
I'd love to find out

whatever that is.
Maya: A bunch of us are going

to Make Out Point later.
Stupendous: Is that

some kind
of underwater location?

Maya: Where you make out?
Yeah.

Come on. I'll take you
back to your boat.

[Grunts]

Tyrannis: Great. See that?
It's us, the kids,

the mortals, who have
to clean up your mess.

Now, did you say there's
a way to navigate

by looking at the sun?
Hippocampus: Tricky, because you

only get one shot
before you go blind.

Stupendous: Why don't we
just ask the skeleton?

Tyrannis: The skeleton?
Stupendous: Yeah, that guy.

Shlub: Oh, I wouldn't ask
the skeleton.

Deliria: Agreed.
If he knew where to go,

he'd still have skin
and the other stuff.

Tyrannis: You two
don't get to vote.

You screwed up enough already.

Excuse me, Skeleton Man.

[Sea gull cries]

Can you point us
towards Storgos?

[Bones creak]

Thank you. Is, uh, anything
we can do for you?

[Bones creak]
Tyrannis: You sure?

Some drinking water?
An umbrella or something?

All right, well, thanks
for the directions.

There.
Tell me I was wrong now.

[All screaming]

Hippocampus: I think it's that
whirlpool from Homer's story!

Stupendous:
If it is, we're screwed!

[Thunder]

Who dares to enter
the domain of Scylla?

And me, Charybdis!
[Gnawing]

Stupendous: Where would I
even punch that thing?

Scylla: And introducing
Lobster-Man,

Eel-Man, and last but not least,

a decaying whale turned
into a vibrant ecosystem

for bottom feeders, Whalefall!

Stupendous: She picked up
a whole team?

We are simple travelers.
We mean no harm.

Is there any chance you could
just let this one go?

I'm a mouth in the middle
of the ocean.

It's like my brand.
In you go!

We literally just fixed that!

I'm gonna claw you to pieces!

[Growls, grunts]

Tyrannis: Aah! Oof!

[Stupendous grunting]

[Hippocampus screaming]

[Splash]

Stupendous: Aah!
[Panting]

[Grunting]

Lobster-Man:
Aah! Oh!

[Grunts]

Tyrannis: Mom, I know you're
dealing with being lost

in the vast expanse
of the ocean, but you know where

you're not lost?
Kicking a*s!

Deliria:
I wish I could help.

[Sail creaks]

Tyrannis: Can you blow?
Deliria: Can I what?

Tyrannis: Stupe!
The mast!

[Stupendous grunting]

[Charybdis gnawing]

Tyrannis: Mom! Blow!
You've got this!

I am the goddess Deliria,

and I can still make wind.

Tyrannis: We did it!
We did it! We...

[All screaming]

Stupendous: So you guys
got this, right?

I'm gonna peace out.
I got a thing.

Hippocampus:
Stupe! No!

This will not impress my mother.

Tyrannis:
That's your main concern?!

Shlub: Well, I wanted her to see
my beautiful, loving...

Tyrannis: "Beautiful, loving
family," yes, of course!

And we all know now
what that means...

being on a boat and acting
a certain way.

Well, guess what... family isn't
about appearances.

It's an obligation, and I would
have thought, as parents,

you'd at least feel
an obligation not

to strand your children
on driftwood!

Now who's being selfish?

Deliria: All right, just stop!
This is hard for all of us,

but however we define it, family
is the only thing keeping us...

oh, thank God!
We made it!

Tyrannis: So we'll just...
float in, I guess.

[Centaurs murmur]

Tyrannis: OK, wow.
This is fancy.

Hippocampus:
I thought we had money.

This is some centaur money here!

Shlub: I want to make sure we're
presentable for my mother.

Where's your sister?

Hippocampus: She bailed
for a mermaid.

Shlub: OK, all right.
Good for her.

Let's just say she died.
Hippocampus: Huh?

Shlub: Not recently. We'll say
she died in childbirth.

That's very sympathetic,

and, of course,
the funeral was exquisite.

Now, what can we do
about our looks?

Hippocampus: What the hell
is going on? Who is this?

Shlub: Deliria, can you
clean up the boys?

I'm going to be a minute
with the grooming,

and I'll probably have
to spit up some hairballs.

Tyrannis:
"Clean up the boys"?

Shlub: I just want
my mother to like you.

Tyrannis: Shouldn't she
like us already?

Shlub: Well, she thinks I
can't do anything right,

so all I wanted to do
was sail into this harbor

on a beautiful boat with
my beautiful, loving family.

Tyrannis: So we're just props.
You dragged us through hell

just to make yourself look good.
Absolutely perfect.

Woman: Well, you missed
the family polo match,

but I suppose we can
find a place for you

at dinner or nearby,
at any rate.

We hired a Tapestry Monster
to take a family tapestry.

It was very expensive, so do see
if you can clean up the boys.

Shlub: Hi, Mom.

Hippocampus, voice-over:
They save your life, show you

a good time, get in your head,
and then they lure you

to some underwater location
and leave you broken,

usually drowned,
at the bottom of the sea.

Maya, voice-over: There is
actually a seventh base.

Maya? Maya!

I'm gonna need one
of those air kisses.

♪ Where are you?

Maya: Mm. Mm.

Mm, mm.

Stupe! I...

I didn't think you'd come.

This is... Jellyfish.

Do you need some air?

Stupendous: No!
Leave me alone!

[Lute playing]

Mom: This is a statue
of my favorite son being done

by my second-favorite son.
Sculptor: Oh, no argument here.

Kyle is spectacular.
[Kyle neighs softly]

Mom: Oh, right.
You all have two legs.

I'm afraid we don't have
any chairs.

Everyone, I just want
to thank you all

for coming here.
I couldn't choose

a more beautiful family
to turn 10,000 with.

[Centaurs neigh and snort]

Mom: You all came
from so far away.

Thomas and Caroline brought
their beautiful children

all the way from Crete.
Thomas: We came on our new boat.

You simply must see
our new boat.

Mom: Oh, I've got
a new boat as well.

Aren't boats fun?
We should have a family trip

on my boat sometime.
Thomas: Yay!

I love family boat trips.

This family and boats.

Mom: And you all look
so beautiful and perfect,

except for Shlub and his family,

but we didn't expect anything
more from them, did we?

[Centaurs laughing]

Hippocampus: Wow.

Grandmother really did
a number on Dad.

[Laughing and gurgling]

Maya:
Stupe, what's wrong?

Stupendous:
A jellyfish? Really?

I told you I hate jellyfish!
Maya: But I don't.

Did you go
to seventh base with him?

Can I tell you another secret?

We actually have 8 bases.

- What?
- OK, 9.

Stupendous:
And you went all the way

with that jellyfish? I thought
what we had was special.

Maya: It was.
But it was a vacation thing.

I thought you understood.

Stupendous:
Nah, I was lying to myself.

My brother was right.
You did leave me broken.

Maya: But not drowned.

Maybe next time,
I'll let you go to tenth.

- There's ten?!
- Oops.

See ya!
[Splash]

Stupendous: Eh, worth it.

Mom: So, Shlub, you're still
living out there among humans?

- Yes, Mother.
- And having orgies with them?

- Yes, Mother.
- I suppose I should

congratulate you on at least
trying not to be

a massive disappointment.
Shlub: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Tapestry Monster: Are we ready
to take a family tapestry?

Mom: Oh, yes, please.
Everyone gather round.

Shlub: Mm.
Tapestry Monster: Why don't we

have the guest of honor
in the middle?

Excellent, and the
grandchildren up front?

Maybe you could move a little
towards the back?

Uh, a bit more.

Kyle, maybe you move
a little in front of them.

Hmm, we're still seeing
a little too much

of the... loser family.

Kyle: If I stand sideways,
does that cover them?

Caroline: What if I drape
my mane in front of them?

Shlub: Do you see how
the drinking figures into this?

Tyrannis: I can't believe I'm
saying this, but I went from

hating you to having fun
with you to hating you again...

Shlub: Does this end
somewhere positive?

'Cause I'm rather
in a dark place.

Tyrannis: It does. I... I really
sympathize with you, Dad.

Mommy issues are kind of
my speciality.

Excuse me. Grandmother!
Mom: Not now.

We're taking a portrait.
Tyrannis: Yes, now!

I thought family was
about responsibility

and obligation, but I see now
what that gets you.

Family is supposed to be about
supporting each other

for exactly who we are,
and I'd much rather have

a screw-up dad than
a mean-spirited, condescending,

phony-a*s mother!
Deliria: Excuse me?!

Tyrannis: Not you! Her!
Mom: Shlub, take

your insolent, two-legged
children out of here.

Shlub: I have
a better idea.

Mom: What? What are you doing?
[Shlub grunts]

Mom: No! No! No!
[Shlub farting]

Kyle: Oh.
Mom: How is that an idea?

[Tyrannis grunts]

[Mom gasps]

[Centaurs shouting]

Oops!

Looks like the desserts
are flambéed tonight.

I've never seen anything
so rude in all my life!

[Grunts]

Ah, ha ha!

[Hippocampus grunts]

[Crash]

Stupendous: What the hell
is going on here?

Hippocampus: We're doing
what we do best...

ruining things.
Stupendous: On it.

Aah!
Caroline: Oh!

So what happened with
the mermaid?

Got burned.
You were maybe

a little bit right:
my heart was too big.

Caroline:
Oh! My mane!

[All grunting]

[Gurgles]

Mom: My tapestry!

[People yell]

Shlub:
So, shall we fly home?

Hippocampus:
I got a better idea!

Let's sail!

Your brother Thomas was right.

It is a beautiful boat.

Tyrannis: What's our heading,
Captain Dad?

Shlub: I haven't
the faintest idea.

Do you love sailor songs?

You'll love this collection
of all the classics.

You'll get "Retch on the Floor,
Retch on the Floor,

Watch Your Step,
There's Retch on the Floor,"

"A Shanty for My Auntie,"

"Overboard Again,
This Time for Good,"

"Rickets, Rickets,
Who Else Has Rickets?"

"The Captain's Friend,
the Captain's Friend,

Who Has to Be
the Captain's Friend?"

"How Many People
Are Not Overboard?"

"Need a Mouse, Take a Mouse,
Got a Mouse, Leave a Mouse,"

"The Cook's in the Soup,
the Cook's in the Soup,

We Threw Him In,
the Cook's in the Soup,"

"Sharks!"
"Wasting Away, Day by Day,"

"It's Not a g*y Thing,
It's a Boredom Thing,

a Boredom Thing,
a Boredom Thing."

"I'm Kidding Myself,
It Was a g*y Thing,

It Was a g*y Thing,
It Was a g*y Thing."

"I Think the Sea Birds
Are Talking to Me,"

"The Stars Are Lying,
Go That Way, Go That Way,"

and everyone's favorite,

"Gloria My Love
[The Overboard Song]."

Man: Did you get
any of that?

Man: Bento.
[People cheer]