17x10 - Quiet

[bunniefuu]

*Q I*
Season 17 Episode 10

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Episode Title:
"Q u i e t"

Good evening
and welcome to QI.

Tonight, we're tiptoeing
through our quiet episode.

Pray silence for the
tight-lipped Jimmy Carr...

QUIET APPLAUSE

...the soundless
Sara Pascoe...

QUIET APPLAUSE

...the muffled
Andrew Maxwell...

QUIET APPLAUSE

...and the unspeakable
Alan Davies!

LOUD CHEERING
AND APPLAUSE

Their buzzers are
all appropriately quiet.

Jimmy goes...

BUZZER: Quiet!

Sara goes...

BUZZER: QUIET!

Andrew goes...

Will you be quiet!

And Alan goes...

BUZZER: Oh, do shut up.

LAUGHTER

Now, how long before a
silence becomes awkward?

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

SCATTERED LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

OK, it's about now, I think.
I think it's about now.

- So, they've...
- That could have been a whole hour!

It was horrible, wasn't it?
It is horrible.

Ah, ga, ah ah!

I think it's really awkward

when you can hear your
own stomach gurgle.

- Especially if it's a gig.
- Yeah.

That's always a sign,
"Oh, this isn't going my way."

- Yeah.
- That's not a good sign!

I think comedy's
quite a lot like sex.

If they haven't made a noise
for a while,

change what
you're doing.

APPLAUSE

You could say that about parenting,
as well, actually.

Yeah. Oh!


which is in Netherlands,

discovered that a pause
in conversation

- becomes awkward after
four seconds. - Oh.

And after that people start to
feel anxious, they feel rejected.

I don't know, I read a
really interesting thing by,

it's an American research company
called the Love Lab,

and they basically
looked at thousands

and thousands of
couples over the years,

and they came up with
a theory on call response.

If you're sort of
having a silence

with someone,
with your partner,

and you're looking at the paper and
you go, "Oh."

And they don't go,
"What?" Then it takes...

...it takes, like, seven good things
to make up for that one bad thing,

cos people feel so rejected
by that response.

It's that, it's exactly that.
It's about feeling rejected,

cos the reason that we like
good conversation

is it helps us feel good
about ourselves.

We get dopamine,
don't we?

Like, teenage girls who stay on
the phone for hours and hours

have really, really high
levels of dopamine,

like they've, like, completed
a PhD.

I always think, like, as comedians,
we're like drug dealers.

But the drug we
deal is endorphins,

and you've already
got them on you.

We'll just help you
release them.

Do the Irish mind silence,
darling?

- Well, it's never happened.
- No!

We have yet to meet
the awkward moment.

I suppose after about four seconds
of silence in Ireland,

- you'd bring in a wink, at least.
- Yeah.

Just to keep things moving along!
Yeah, exactly!

- Or, "you know, yourself."
- Yeah.

And a bit of pointing maybe,

- you know. Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

- There he is, over there.
- It's good, those phrases

that kind of break the silence
that don't really mean anything.

Like, I've spent a lot of time
in Ireland and it's always,

- "Fair play to you."
- Yeah.

Doesn't mean anything.

Well, it means fair play to you.

Some cultures have
a different attitude.

So the Japanese have a concept,
something called haragei,

and basically it means
belly talk.

And the idea is that you use
a prolonged silence

in business negotiations.

And they're content with an average
silence of about 8.2 seconds,

so twice as long as
we are.

So I think it's very much
a cultural attitude to it.

Maybe that's why,
especially in dating,

you do feel
the silence a lot,

because usually the instinct is,
he's awful.

A couple of bottles of wine and
two years later, there you are!

- Hey! "Let's buy a flat."
- Yeah.

Well, isn't that the theory,
when you look at someone,

you either, you either want
to k*ll them or you want to...

Yeah, if you're looking someone
directly in the eye,

it's either kind of sexual or
aggressive, after about three seconds.

- It's one or the other, you can't...
- Not both?

- It's not neutral, Alan.
- Oh.

That's sexual.

APPLAUSE

Damn it!
Too easy.

How about if I do it?

Just aggressive.

But I was thinking about the dopamine
thing that you said, you know,

one of the things that we now know
is that particularly

talking about ourselves triggers
these neural rewards in the brain.

- Talking about yourself?
- Talking about yourself.

And the subjects who were in this
study were even offered money,

and they turned money down
in order to carry on

talking about themselves,
and apparently,

they still felt good, even if
they knew nobody was listening.

Well, talking to yourself is like,

talking to yourself in the,
commonly in the bathroom.

Sometimes my kids walk past and
go, "Who are you talking to?"

What do you talk
about in the bathroom?

How to get out.

There you have it, scientists
have found you can't even pay us

to shut up about
ourselves.

What's the one sound you
really can't ignore?

Oh, babies crying.

I think that is true for...
I don't know, is it true for boys?

I was going to say
Wu-Tang Clan.

What? What is that?

Wu-Tang Clan Killa Beez
On The Storm.

No?

-Wu-Tang Clan, you know.
- Method Man. RZA. RZA, Method Man.

Ghostface Killah?

You know Ghostface Killah,
Sandi.

Keep going till we
get to Gangnam Style.

Gangnam Style, I knew
I knew you from somewhere!

I would say our fridge makes a
noise if you leave the door open.

I never hear the fridge
until the noise stops.

That sounds like a trailer
for a horror film. Yeah.

- The Silence Of The Fridge. Yeah.
- The fridge lands on your head!

Don't leave the door open.

Everything I own warns me
all the time.

I used to have a microwave,
when it stopped it went, "ping."

And now it goes
"beep beep beep beep beep..."

Is it reversing?

"..Beep beep beep."

But it keeps reversing forever,

forever more,
until there's a power cut.

Do you think the people making
white goods for your house

have seen you on this show?

My car bleeps,
if I'm in reverse it bleeps

and if I'm near something
at the back it bleeps.

It does a different bleep if
I'm near something at the front.

- It's got three bleeps...
- Who's letting you drive?!

And then, on top of that,
my wife's next to me going,

"this car's making too much noise!"
Then all the kids go,

"Oh, what's all this bleeping?"

Can everyone shut up? Shut up!

I can see the thing behind,
I can see the thing in front!

I know I'm reverse,
I put it there myself!

APPLAUSE

Sadly, on his 234th show...

...Alan Davies had
a complete breakdown.

Yeah, but the dopamine,
I just had the dopamine.

Everyone heard you, yeah.

Anyway, I wasn't talking
about any of those things.

Technically, we are talking about
the one sound a child cannot ignore.

Oh, ice cream van.

No. Oh.

It's the sound of a woman's voice,
is what we now know.

So children tend to sleep
through fire alarms and so on,

they tend to sleep through them.

It's partly because
they sleep more deeply.

I read about this, so they were
going to have a smoke alarm

that had a voice coming out of it,
if it was in a child's bedroom.

Yes, absolutely right.

There is a really strong response
to a maternal voice,

and that is why
there is going to be

a new kind of smoke alarm with
a female voice.

So they've been testing them.

I don't know
if this would do it for me,

it was a woman's voice going,
"Wake up, the house is on fire."

No, you want a bit more urgency.

I think that might be
better than the alternate.

My mother was an incredibly
sweary woman,

and I think if she'd recorded
a fire alarm,

it would have been just filth.

It would have been like
a pirate was doing it.

Dundee University, working
with Derbyshire Fire and Rescue,

and they tested smoke alarms
in 2017 on sleeping children,

and it is astonishing,
the difference.

The woman's voice will wake your
child up 86 to 91% of the time,

whereas a tonal alarm,
just over 50%.

Apparently, incorporating your
child's name into the recording

makes no difference whatsoever.

You could call a little girl Frank
and it wouldn't make any difference.

I think, if you use your child's
name, that's when they ignore you.

Yes, that is true. They hear their
name and think, "Uh-oh."

Yeah.

Why that thing when
they use your full name?

If I was ever referred to
as James, it would...

- "Oh, I'm in a lot of trouble now."
- Yes.

What are your middle names?

Anthony Patrick.

And did they sometimes use the lot?
And then you're really in the sh*t.

ANDREW: I think that's called a
judge,

you're in court.

APPLAUSE

- Getting sentenced...
- "James Anthony Patrick Carr."

"You are a habitual criminal."

"You have been caught
once again."

"No signs of remorse."

Now, what's the most dangerous
thing to do in bed?

ANDREW: Tell the truth.

APPLAUSE

Anybody else?

Reverse cowgirl?

KLAXON

Really?
Really?

They had that
locked and loaded?

There was some suggestion
you might say that, darling.

Is it a particular favourite?

Yeah, how did you know?

So we're looking at the past,

we're looking at particularly
the Victorian era.

So something that is dangerous
to do in bed in the Victorian time.

They would have had candles and
things, to light themselves to bed.

- Yeah, exactly right.
- Gas lamps and things.

Candles in particular.

Oh, candles, yeah. Why would
you take a candle to bed?

- To read? I suppose, reading in bed.
- To read, yeah.

Reading, the silent k*ller.

It was
not thought to be a good thing at all,

because it was burning as
you drifted off. Yeah.

There's a most fantastic summary of
fires in London from 1833 to 1866.

So in those days, all fires
were dealt with

by the fire insurance company.

And they kept
meticulous records.

So, here's a quick snapshot
of 19th century London life.

"One death from a fire
caused by a jackdaw."

- No details provided, that's it.
- Don't know what that was.

Another caused by a monkey.

Two attributed to smoking in bed.

Three to sewing in bed.
Anybody?



But the figure that tops all of
these is 34 lethal fires

caused by reading in bed.

In fact, exactly equalled by the
number of fires started by cats.

Another common hazard in the 1800s,
of course, Christmas trees.

Now, I dispute this.
In those days,

- Christmas trees were lit
with real candles. - Yeah.

Now, I am Danish.
For the last 60 years,

I have had Christmas
lit with real candles,

and so far,
not a flicker of a fire.

Just don't set the tree on fire,
it's not complicated.

But apparently, it was
so great a risk in this country

that insurance companies wouldn't...

So you've got
the candles on the tree?

- Special candle holders that hook
onto the branch like that. - Yeah.

And you just make sure,
when you put the candle on,

that there isn't a branch directly
above, that is the key to it.

Honestly, I've never
known this to happen,

but insurance companies
refuse to insure people

against this particular thing.

I think, as long as you remember
to take the jackdaw out at night...

Yeah!

Perhaps the lack of a jackdaw is
why we've been so successful so far.

Has anyone ever done a poem
about jackdaws and back doors?

Cos if they haven't, I'm going to
do one before the end of the show.

- Yeah, you write...
- It sounds so like a back door.

You're right, the jackdaw and the back
door does sound like some kind of...

- They go together.
- Yes, they do.

Right, you do that, we'll
do the next question on our own.

Jackdaw, back door,

lack more, smack wh*re.

That's where I've got to.

- What's the...?
- Seashore, seashore...

Crack wh*re.

- I'm thinking crack wh*re is what I'm thinking,
isn't it? - Yeah. What about be poor?

Be... no, be poor?
No, it's got to be...

Why am I joining in?

She sells
sea shells

down by the crack wh*re.

Here comes a jackdaw
flying in the back door.

You carry on, darling.

I've never been happier. Dopamine,
dopamine. - Dopamine, dopamine.

Hacksaw.

Oh!

APPLAUSE

Oh, my goodness!

Hang on, I'm looking at Jimmy.
Tax law.

APPLAUSE

- You're very good at this!
- In all fairness,

I don't pay tax either,
but I don't get caught.

Right. Erm...

What would you hear at the
most peaceful place in Britain?

SARA: I reckon dogging.

They, honestly, they're ruin...
they're ruining the countryside.

We've got rights!

You've also got houses.

ANDREW: I think the answer
is builders.

- Builders?
- Builders. Cos that's what happens.

In all the most beautiful
places of the land,

all you can hear is builders.

Well, that is not the case,

because we are looking at the
most peaceful spot in Britain.

It's been officially declared, the
Campaign to Protect Rural England.

It is a region of
Northumberland National Park.

It's been left alone since 1911.



is owned by the MOD and is
used for military training.

So, remarkably quiet,
unless a tank is going past.

Yeah, or
they're firing things at you.

There's one of them down
in Lulworth Cove in Dorset,

where there's a tank firing range.

And there's massive
traffic signs that just say,

"Warning, sudden g*nf*re."

I mean, I don't know
about how the rest of you live,

but all g*nf*re is sudden for me.

Yes.

I always wonder, with that sign
that's a triangle

- with falling rocks, and it just
says "Falling Rocks." - Yeah.

That might as well just say,
"Be lucky." Yeah!

While you're driving
along doing that...

...that's when you hit things,
isn't it?

SARA: You'll get little beeps just
as they come just above your car.

- There won't be a beep, that's the
annoying thing! - There's no beep?

- There'll be no beep from that.
- You've got a beeper up there.

There won't be a roof beep!

ANDREW: Does anybody else,
when you go through one of those,

you know, the height inhibitor
into a certain car park,

you're in a car and you know
you're going to fit into it,

- but do you...?
- Yeah.

You know, I'll tell you
what my one is.

I'll be driving along
on the motorway,

and there'll be fog

and I'll drive like that.

Just in case the fog is
in the car.

There's a big sign saying "Fog".

If you can see it,
it's not that bad, is it?

Now, how do you quell
a carnivorous plant?

By quell, so do you mean sate it
or stop it wanting?

Stop it... well, stop it being
able to actually function.

- So let's have a quick look.
- Oh, OK.

Let's have a look at a
Venus flytrap, OK?

- So you know the theory behind the
Venus flytrap is... - Fly away!

Fly! Run for your life!

Fly!

Have a look at a video of it
actually functioning,

- cos it is the most extraordinary thing.
- Yeah, it's amazing.

So watch it just closing up now.

So there is the fly.

Oh...

- I mean, that's creepy, right?
- Yeah.

But if you wanted to
make it stop working,

you would anaesthetise it,
exactly as you do human beings.

So you can gas them
with ether,

you can swab the roots
with lidocaine.

And what'll happen is,
it'll just stop working.

The fly will land there,
but the thing won't close down.

And it is found that the
electrical impulses in the plant

have temporarily dropped to zero.

It is exactly the same effect
as what happens to us.

So a plant would be exactly
the same reaction

- to an anaesthetic as a human?
- Yes, exactly.

We don't entirely know
how anaesthetics actually work.

We do know that something like
lidocaine works by stopping

local neurons signalling
to the human brain,

but it also seems
to work on plants.

And the truth is, we don't really
know how anaesthetics work.

Can I just show you something

which I hadn't seen before,
but maybe you have?

I'd never seen a Venus flytrap
in flower,

and actually, they're
rather beautiful,

cos you only ever see it when it's
looking sort of slightly vicious.

- But isn't it rather lovely?
- ANDREW: Wow.

That's... terrifying.

I think it's rather beautiful.

They gassed all sorts
of other plants, as well.

The effect is the same, they
all just went straight to sleep.

Has anyone asked why
they're up to this?

They're trying to work out
how anaesthetics work.

- It wasn't like a group of flies
got together... - No, it wasn't!

"Something's got to be
done about this, flies!"

- "We should shut them down!"
- Yeah.

One of the interesting things
that they found out really recently

about pain and the brain is
that if you think about colours,

it distracts your brain from
the part of your brain

that's getting the messages
about being in pain.

So something quite good,
if you don't have any pain relief,

- if you think about colours,
one at a time. - Yeah.

People with hypermobility,
so double jointed people,

appear to be resistant
to sort of topical creams

and to being injected
to local anaesthetics.

AUDIENCE: Oh!

I know, that's quite strange,
isn't it?

Three times more likely,
a hypermobile person,

to report that local anaesthetic
is not effective. Not working.

I know you're still talking,
but I can't stop looking at that.

I'm aware you're speaking,
but who cares?

- He does these amazing
YouTube yoga tutorials. - Wow!

I can't help feeling, I mean,
I know it's just a story,

but I think a radioactive spider's
been involved there.

In general, whether you're
animal or vegetable,

anaesthetic will put you to sleep.

Now, who would use a Quaker g*n?

Well, not a Quaker.
They're famously pacifist.

They are famously pacifist,
and so is the g*n.

It's to scare something away then?

Yeah, look at that g*n.
Rather than hit them.

- It's just a log, painted
to look like a g*n. - Oh. Oh.

Oh, it's like someone has it in the
jacket, has the g*n in the jacket

- and they go, "Yeah, I've got a g*n."
- Yeah. - Yeah. "Have you got a g*n?"

So during the American Revolutionary
w*r, for example, in 1780,

there was a Colonel William
Washington and he managed

to convince a loyalist commander
and 120 of his followers to

surrender from their barricaded barn
by pointing a painted log at them.

Just a pine log.

- That must be a terrible way...
- Yes, you must feel awful.

...to lose a battle. Yeah.

"Oh, they didn't have a g*n
after all. Aah!"

Ah, just k*lled... k*lled off
by the arts and crafts army.

But the Americans did it
as well in the Second World w*r.

So the Mitchell B25 b*mber
did not have any g*ns at the rear,

so they just painted some broomstick
handles and stuck them out the back,

so that the Japanese thought,
"Oh, better not come from behind,

- "because they've got g*ns at the
back." - We did the same thing here.

- We had inflatable tanks all along
the south coast. - That's right.

The Allies had inflatable tanks
and they used them in North Africa

to confuse the Nazis.

I don't know
that they were inflatable, darling.

- No, no, they were literally, they
were like... - Like a bouncy castle?

Yes, yeah!

And to show that they had
a sense of humour about it, too,

the Germans dropped
wooden bombs on them.

Well, I knew that we had fake stuff,

but I did not know that
it was made... I mean, like a...

Honestly, like you just...?
SHE PUFFS

Yeah. Like a girlfriend.

I think, darling,
that they were made of canvas,

if I'm honest with you.

Still pretty funny for a n*zi
to send like a wooden b*mb back.

GERMAN ACCENT: Just there back
at the base, just carving away,

"This is going to be funny."

Don't do that accent
with that haircut.

APPLAUSE

It's not...
Not a good...

Either one.
Either one is fine.

But when you combine them,
I feel it's dangerous.

And now it's time
to whisper our way

through the calming quietude
of General Ignorance.

How good are you are multitasking?

Excellent.

- KLAXON BLARES
- Excellent?

OK.

- Here we go. Yeah.
- Oh, I see.

I didn't know
I was going to be tested on it.

You just volunteered yourself,
OK?

So I want you to
take this stack from here

and recreate it exactly
the same on this one,

- and you have to move them
one at a time, OK? - Oh, great.

But while you're doing it,

I want you to recite
the alphabet backwards.

Ooh!

Well, I can't do that anyway.

Ah.

I mean, I don't think
I can do it forwards, like.

A, B...

No, no, so you don't understand
how the game functions. Um...

Are we going to find out
that Andrew's a toddler?

Just took them off
and put them on the counter!

And said, "A, B..."

- C... It's not backwards,
though, is it? - No, no, no!

I can't do it backwards.

No, Z! Z! Backwards, Z.

- And put them on the middle one!
- No, no. Andrew, Andrew, Andrew...

- ANDREW: All right, OK. Righto.
- Listen to me.

- Start again, move the whole thing that way.
- This is more annoying

than my microwave!

OK, here we go again.

Z, Y...

- Keep them on the post. Go backwards.
- ..X...

- Move them one at a time.
- No! Middle one.

- What's wrong with this one?
- No, don't help him!

I love this, cos as I said...

Z, Y, X, W...

...V...

- AUDIENCE: U!
- U!

OK, you're not supposed
to get any help. U.

- Don't pretend you can do this.
- So, why...

why did you say...?

Why did you say
that you are good at multitasking?

I'm a man and I like to brag.

What they found is,
doing tests at Stamford University,

people who consider themselves
to be good at multitasking

actually do worse
at performing multiple tasks

than people who preferred to
focus on things one at a time.

It's one of those strange things.

But anybody else think
they would be better at it?

- I mean, than THAT, yeah.
- Go.

The fact is that what we now know

is that the brain is
pretty much incapable of focusing

- on more than one thing at a time...
- Yeah.

...if it requires a level of thought.

I mean, walking, you can do and do
something else at the same time.

- But the task that...
- But that's the...

I did a course years ago
in neuro-linguistic programming

and the idea was that
your conscious mind

- can hold, like, five things in it.
Mm.

So if you think about,

"How do my feet feel at the moment
in these shoes? How's my breathing?"

And you think about "what
I'm having for dinner this evening,"

and then the first thing's gone -

you can't remember how your feet
feel in the shoes,

cos your conscious mind
doesn't do that much.

But your subconscious mind...
Doing two things at the same time...

- Automatic things, yeah...
- if it's done by your subconscious mind,

- then yes.
- Yeah.

- If it's breathing and walking.
- It depends what it is.

So singing,
which is an auditory process,

is easy to combine
with riding a bicycle,

because that is a motor process.

They utilise
different brain processes.

It's when you've got a thing
that really requires single focus.

- It's called a bottleneck.
- Like voting.

Yes, exactly like that,
exactly like that.

When you're multitasking,
what your brain's actually doing

- is switching back and forth
very fast between the tasks. - Yeah.

So, really, it would have been
better off to do it one at a time.

So why's there a thing about men
not being able to multitask

- and women being able to?
- No, but it's kind of reverse sexism,

that essentially
it was invented by men to go,

"No, no, no,
you should do all the housework,

"because you're able to kind of,
like, look after the baby

- "and do the dinner
AND keep the kitchen clean." - Yeah.

It's like ads. You know, the ad is
always a massive suburban house,

and the husband
can't put in a light bulb.

The amount of ads that,
over the last 30, 40 years,

is always,
"Oh, George! Hur-hur-hur!

"Oh, he's useless, isn't he?

- "Anyway, buy this."
- Yeah.

But, yeah,
and also it is insulting to men.

- There's no consensus at all...
- No.

...as to whether men or women
are better at multitasking.

But multitasking actually causes a
temporary ten-point decrease in IQ.

It's about the same
as smoking marijuana

or missing a night's sleep,
if you try and multitask.

- You're much better off doing things
one at a time. - Yeah.

It seems there's no such thing
as a multitask master.

Right, everybody gets a banana.

I want you to show me how a wild
monkey would eat this, please.

- Oh, I reckon I know this.
- ANDREW: I know.

Yes?
Oh.

- Upside down.
- Whoa.

Oh,

- How am I doing? - KLAXON BLARES
- that's very good.

How does that work?!

I think monkeys in the wild
don't, in fact, eat bananas.

ALAN: Yeah,

- Oh, cos they don't have access
to bananas, yeah. - I'm with you.

- It's like the way polar bears
don't eat penguins. - Yeah.

Cos they don't like
chocolate biscuits.

- APPLAUSE
- That's it.

You're absolutely right.

Wild monkeys do not eat bananas
at all. Why is that?

- There are no bananas in the wild.
- Correct, absolutely right.

It's a domesticated plant,
the edible banana.

- And there's only one left,
isn't there? - What, banana?

- No, one type of banana. There was...
- That's right, it died out.

Yeah, it died out and there
was one place that had them,

and that now caters everyone.

Well, there are some bananas
that grow in the wild,

but they are not particularly...

- A banana plant takes
nine months to grow... - Yeah.

- ...nine months to produce a bunch
of bananas and then that's it.

And it's technically a herb.

These are all correct facts
about bananas,

but the wild banana is oval,
it's not remotely sweet,

it's not particularly edible.

Monkeys do not tend
to eat them.

They do like to eat them
in the zoo.

Let's see how.

There is a monkey
eating it in the zoo.

They seem to eat it
any way they like -

they bite into it,
they pierce the skin, they just...

He just wants
to get it down him, doesn't he?

Doesn't really care. They do love
human-engineered bananas.

They've been known
to raid plantations.

They are actually seen
as a bit of a pest.

But Paignton Zoo in Devon

- has stopped monkeys from eating
bananas now, because too sugary. - Mm.

And they cause
gastro-intestinal problems.

Right, moving on.

What did the first sneeze
sound like?

Atishoo.

- KLAXON BLARES
- No, not... No, not "Achoo!"

- No. Achoo is different.
- Yeah.

Atishoo is different from achoo.
I'm not having that.

- You've pressed the wrong button.
- No, I think...

Everything about sneezing...

"Atishoo!"
It's not the same as "Achoo!"

- That's a different sneeze.
- Yeah. OK.

Everything about sneezing
is adorable. The way that people...

Their eyes kind of glaze over like
they can't concentrate for a second.

The worst thing
is when it goes away.

When you think you're
going to sneeze and it goes,

- you've been robbed of it.
- "He'll be back, - You think,

and it'll be even stronger."

I don't think you make any noise
when you sneeze.

I think it's a learned thing.

- You're absolutely right,
it's an affectation. - Is it?

So you could go, "Yahoo!"
Yeah, well...

...deaf people who
have never heard the affectation

do not make the sounds that the rest
of us make when we sneeze. Oh!

So "atishoo" or "achoo"
or, in German, "haschi",

"hakshon" in Japanese,
the Filipino is "hatsing".

The Polish say "apsik".

We all have a noise that we make,
but we've learnt to make it.

Apparently, if you have never heard
a sneeze before,

what it actually should sound like
is a heavy breath,

as the deep pre-sneeze breath
is taken,

- and then a sharper, faster sound
of air being released. - Ahh-huh...

But we make that noise, because
we think we're supposed to. - Hic!

It's what a sneeze sounds like.
That's a great fact, isn't it?

- It's a really great fact.
- Yeah.

The record for
the longest fit of sneezing

belongs to a British woman
called Donna Griffiths.

She began sneezing
on the 13th of January 1981,

and she had her first
sneeze-free day...

...977 days later. No!

She sneezed
an estimated one million times.

Worked in the pepper factory,
I believe.

Yeah, I'll just be clear
that's not her, OK?

That's just a very nice
random person.

Stock image sneezer.

- Stock image of person sneezing.
- Yeah.

And at school, did you have that
thing where everyone was like,

if you sneeze eight times,
it's the same as a whole orgasm?

- Did you? No.
- No. - OK. Yeah.

That was a thing at school,
just like, "Oh, three!

- Five more." "Five more."
- Yeah.

I think when you orgasm,
I think it's nice to say,

"Bang goes the dynamite!"

Or, "Whoopsie daisies."

It's really time to finish.

That also works.

There's the most fantastic game,

which is played on
I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue,

which was coming up with sentences
that work

both in the kitchen
and in the bedroom.

So things like, "Ooh, it's
a bit dry, do you have any cream?"

Or, "I prefer your mother's,"
that kind of thing.

Wow.

"Do you fancy a roast this Sunday?"

That's it!

"Just stick it in for 20 minutes

"and I'll get you
the free garlic bread." Um...

All of which leaves us
clamouring for the scores.

And I can tell you,
in fourth place, with minus two,

which I think is very creditable,

it's Alan.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Minus two.

In third place,
with minus one, Sara!

- APPLAUSE
- Thank you. Thank you.

In second place,
with a full three points, Andrew!

APPLAUSE

In first place, with seven
actual points, it's Jimmy.

- How? What did I say?
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Right, it's thanks to
Andrew, Jimmy, Sara and Alan.

And I leave you with this
quick quotation from Mark Twain.

"I thoroughly disapprove of duels.

"If a man should challenge me,

"I would take him kindly
and forgivingly by the hand

"and lead him to a quiet place
"and k*ll him."

Goodnight.

APPLAUSE