18x13 - Rejoice!

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, and welcome to QI,
where tonight we are ready to

rejoice at the most wonderful time
of the year. Merry Christmas!

And joining me are a wise man -
Chris McCausland.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A shining star - Holly Walsh.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

A venerated virgin -
Justin Moorhouse.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And a bit of an a*s - Alan Davies.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

OK.

Of course, their buzzers are all
rejoicing. I will conduct you.

So, Chris,
if you could start us off, please.

# Hallelujah! #

And Holly?

# Hallelujah! #

And Justin?
# Hallelujah! #

Alan?
# Hallelujah! #

And because it's Christmas,
I gave myself a buzzer.

# Halle

# Lujah! #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Yeah! I know, right?

Now, I want you to imagine
it's Christmas Eve

and you are looking for
a very quick present.

What beats four calling birds,

three French hens, two turtle doves

and a partridge in a pear tree?

# Hallelujah! #
Yes, Chris?

I'm going to take one for the team
and say...

# Five gold rings! #

KLAXON

To be honest, I'd rather that
than just have it building up

inside me for the rest of the show.
Yes. No.

So I'm going to give you a clue -
those were all birds

and we are looking for
the next bird on the list.

# Hallelujah! #
Six geese a-laying.

Six geese a-laying
is absolutely right.

It beats all the birds on our list
in one respect, the goose.

Can fly further?
It can fly faster.

Actually, to be more specific,
it's a spur-winged goose.

There it is, a beautiful thing.

More importantly, what impact has
this question had on the world?

Has it brought down more aeroplanes
than any other bird?

Wow, that's...horrible.

No, it's not that.

Is it responsible for the shape
of wings on planes? Oh.

I don't mean it designs them,
but, like...

"The geese are doing the wings.

"They've got lots of good ideas.
Listen up - they can fly."

So, the book,
Guinness World Records,

which used to be known
as the Guinness Book Of Records,

started with an argument
about the speed of game birds.

Wait, so now it's called
the Book...the Guinness...?

It's now called
Guinness World Records,

and it used to be called
the Guinness Book of Records.

So, but it's called the Book
of the Guinness World Records?

OK. The book is now entitled
Guinness World Records,

but doesn't have the word "book"
in it.

Guinness Book of Records. Yeah.
Guinness Book of Records.

The Book of Guinness Records.
Guinness World Records.

This is like STIs, STDs,
all over again. Yeah.

Is the book sponsored by Guinness?

So it was originally put forward
by the MD of Guinness Brewery.

So it all started in a competition
to decide who knew

the fastest game bird, OK?

And they were having a pint of
Guinness and they thought...?

No, they were out hunting
game birds.

So there's a guy called
Sir Hugh Eyre Campbell Beaver,

and he was on a grouse...
ALAN LAUGHS
I know, it's very pleasing.

This is the story of a man called
Beaver. You can't have that many
names, that's just greed. Iknow.

People will have called him Hugh
Beaver. Hugh Beaver. Sir Beaver.

Huge Beaver,
that's what they called him.

Huge Hairy Campbell Beaver.

That's what they call him
behind his back.

"Here he comes, Huge Beaver."

The Beaver Book Of Records
sounds much better. That is better.

The Book Of Beaver Records.
Book Of Beavers.
The Guinness Book Of Beavers.

The Book Of Huge Beavers.
Yes, World Beaver.

"What's the fastest beaver, Huge?"

Beaver, as I like to call him, was
on a grouse sh**t in 1954 and he got

into a row with a friend about what
was the fastest European game bird.

Very pleasingly, they had this
discussion in a place in Ireland

called North Slob.

That's me.

Anyway, so, Beaver, who was the MD
of Guinness Breweries, claimed

it was the golden plover, and his
friend said it was the grouse.

And so they decided that there was
a gap in the market for a book

like this and they commissioned
Norris and Ross McWhirter

to write this book. Are they twins?
Or do they just dress exactly the
same? No, they were twins.

They were on Record Breakers,
weren't they? Yes, darling. One of
them was. Yes, with Roy Castle.

Yeah. Who do you think won - the one
who thought it was the grouse or the
one who thought it was the plover?

It turns out it was a goose,
so neither of them. Exactly.

The grouse is faster than the
plover, but the spur-winged goose is
faster than either one of those.

It all depends where the wind's
blowing, doesn't it, for a bird?
Yeah, I think.

I've seen birds sometimes where
they're really not in control

of what they're doing and they're
just trying to style it out.
Yeah, just...

They take off in a high wind
and they're filled with regret
and they can't go back to thenest

and they're just trying to style it
out, but they're being
buffeted around.

And then they come in
with feet like that.

If you see a duck landing on a pond
in a high wind, that's hilarious.

Yeah. Some birds, little birds, can
go at terrific speeds through a bush

and then just come to
a standstill on a twig,

defying all the laws of physics.
Whereas a duck needs basically

the English Channel
just to come to a stop.

So the spur-winged goose is
the fastest game bird in the world.

What's the problem with this?

Game birds. Yes.
It's not really a game bird.

So it's only found in
Sub-Saharan Africa.

It also eats something called
blister beetles,

which makes the flesh
entirely toxic,

so you'd die if you ate a spur-winged
goose, and it's not really a goose.

Other than that, I think it's
a perfect world record holder.

Blister beetle. So, the book was
first given away as a promotion.

They printed 1,000 copies and
they gave it away free with beer,

but it proved to be so popular that
they decided to put it on sale

and it became a Christmas
best-seller that year
and every year since.

And, in fact, Guinness World Records
holds the Guinness World Record

for the best-selling copyrighted
book of all time.

Sounds a bit convenient,
don't you think? Yeah.
I know, as they're judging, right?

Of course they'd say that,
wouldn't they? Yeah. Yeah.

Let's bring out
the Martini Book Of Real Facts.

LAUGHTER

The Cinzano Book Of Lies.

Funny how they just...
It was the Guinness Book Of Records

and now it's
the Carling Pamphlet Of Stuff.

Guinness World Records has sold
over 130 million copies since 1955,

but once you include
non-copyrighted books,

estimates are that the Bible
has sold over five billion copies.

I mean, you'd think everybody
must have one by now.

We've got one in our house.

We've got about 11 in our house.
Why?

Cos my mum's a vicar.
Oh, that's right, I forgot. Sorry.

Yeah. Yes.
It's kind of the textbook. Yeah.

Is she a very forgetful vicar?
Does she keep buying them?

"You've already had that one,
Mum! You've read it!"

The great thing about the Bible is,

spoiler alert, cos there's no...

It's such a massive twist
at the end. Yeah, it is, quite.

The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse
is... Comes out of nowhere.

Is that what it ends with?

Oh, sorry.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

What I like is that the Guinness
World Records 1978 edition is

also listed as the book most stolen
from public libraries in Britain.

Other Christmassy records awarded
by Guinness World Records include

largest group of carol singers.
Was won by a Nigerian choir, there.

Wow. 25,272 singers.

This is a very good one. Fastest
time - have a guess at this -

fastest time to eat all the
chocolates from an advent calendar

in the correct order?







It's a minute and 27 seconds. What?!

Yeah. What was he doing?! I've done
it quicker than that, definitely.

By this guy,
Kevin "LA Beast" Strahle.

He also has the record for
the most chicken nuggets,

most powdered doughnuts
and drinking a litre of maple syrup.

Imagine, like, how many he's got to
go through to get to that level.

I know. Yeah. He's probably got
to do, like, 200 calendars

and 50 litres of whatever it was,
maple syrup, was it? Yeah.

Fastest marathon
dressed as a Christmas tree?


Oh, that's good going.

Largest gathering of people
dressed as Santa Claus

was broken in Kerala in India
in 2014 by 18,112 Santas. Oh, wow.

Look at that! I know.
But you're going to love this, OK,

the previous record for the biggest
Santa gathering had been

set in Newtown in Wales in 2004.

More than 4,260 Santas
went for an annual charity run

but it finished in a mass
street brawl...

LAUGHTER

..which involved 30 Santas
slugging it out.

So the Elves and I thought, you
know, how hard can these records be?

We decided we're going to try
and break one.

So, first up, Holly and Chris,

fastest time to put on
five Christmas jumpers, OK?

And our judge is the editor-in-chief
of Guinness World Records.

Please welcome Craig Glenday.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Craig, what are the rules,
darling, that we need to follow?

It is five jumpers
you have to put on.

If you have one jumper on now,
that doesn't count,

so a T-shirt is fine,
topless is fine, but no...

Are we getting them now? Let's do
this. I'll do it in this.

Tell me when you're ready,
darling. OK.

OK, so the... Wait, wait, wait. Don't
touch them yet. You have in front of
you... Don't touch them yet.

OK. So they have to be on the floor?
Yes.

So, in front of you are five jumpers
that are in increasing size.

Don't touch them until I say go.

And make sure it's pulled down
below the waist. OK.

I might punch myself out doing this.

Right, but they need to get
quicker than 20 seconds.

Is Holly allowed to kneel to start?
That's fine. That's fine?

I can't actually see, but as long as
you're not touching the jumpers.

ALAN: Holly's doing it kneeling
down. Do you want to kneel, Chris?

She's not touching the jumpers.
No, I'm all right, thanks.

It brings back bad
memories of church. OK.

LAUGHTER

For several reasons.

APPLAUSE

OK. Actually, no, Holly,
I do need you to stand.

Holly, get up, you cheat!
Over to you, Craig, to get us going.

Three, two, one - go!

ALAN: Go on, Chris! Go on, Chris!

CHEERING, SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

Go, go, go, go, go!

KLAXON

Keep going, keep going,
keep going, keep going.

You've got one more. You've got to
pull them all down below your waist.

There's one more.
One more, Chris, you can do this.

The friction's k*lling me!

CHEERING

One more, Chris, one more!

LAUGHTER

Don't fall for that,
don't look for any more. Phew!

How was that, Craig?
It was interesting.

I think, Holly,
you clocked a time of 31 seconds,

but you didn't seem to be standing.

I'm short. But are you...?
Are you standing now, or...? Yes.

Yeah, no, then you were
shorter during the attempt,

so I think I might have
to disqualify you. Oh!

And, also, where is your waistline?

This is such a personal question
to ask on television.

You think it's bad, there's people
watching this at home now going,

"That lad sat next to Sandi,
he's already wearing 15 jumpers."

LAUGHTER

And Chris? Chris...
How did I do, then, Craig?

Well, you did 35 seconds. I was
happy that it was a valid attempt.

Yeah. But, yes, the minimum,
unfortunately, for this record,

which is based on existing speed
jumper-wearing, is 20 seconds. Oh.

So I'm afraid it's not
an actual record.

Craig, can I ask a serious question,
though?

What is the record for a blind man
putting on five jumpers? Ah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Of course, right now
it's 35 seconds. Hurray!

ALAN: Yay, he's in the book!

Does that mean we can expect to see
it in the next edition of the book?

I will need to check that previous
applicants weren't already blind...

Ah, yeah, good point.
..and maybe not mentioned it.

If that's the case, then maybe.
Just because we can't read it...

LAUGHTER

Chris, Chris, he's saying maybe and
shaking his head no. Oh, right.

Just telling you,
just telling you now.

Well, well done for trying,
that was fantastic.

You can take them off.

This is the least sexy Christmas
strip-tease you'll ever see.

No, it's working for me.

It's like a game of
Holly pass-the-parcel.

Make sure you stop before...

LAUGHTER

Well done, fantastic.

Well, I'm only sorry I didn't try.
It did look like such fun.

What's the most unusual place
a reindeer has ever slept?

Is it Nap-land?

LAUGHTER

That's very good, darling.

I'll give you another clue.

The reindeer leaves by air
but arrives by tube.

Oh... Oh...

What, like, the underground
sort of Tube? Eurotunnel?

Under... Well, we are under
the water, certainly.

Reindeer... An underwater reindeer?

No... Yes. An underwater reindeer.

Yes, an underwater reindeer?
Yes. Oh!

# Hallelujah. #
Yes?

Submarine?
Submarine is exactly right, yes.

A reindeer named Pollyanna,

the only reindeer known
to have lived on a submarine.

In 1941, the Soviet Navy presented
a Royal Navy submarine, HMS Trident,

with a live reindeer as a thank you
for fighting the German forces.

There's one thing I know about
submarines. Yeah.

It's that they're quite cramped.
Yeah.

So... And one thing about
reindeers is... Yeah.

..they've got... Yeah.
This was the issue.

They'd probably have said,
"Look, can we have the money?"

Yeah. Yeah. Just...

No, the captain had said his wife

was having trouble pushing
their pram through the snow

and the Russian Admiral said,
"You need a reindeer."

To push a pram? To pull the pram.

So the Russian base
where it was docked,

the submarine was called Polyarnoe,

so they named the reindeer Pollyanna.

And they brought it aboard
through the torpedo tube,

and it spent the next six weeks
on the submarine,

and they had meant for her
to sleep in the torpedo room

but she turned out to be rather fussy

and she ended up sleeping under
the captain's bed.

At first they fed her on a barrel
of moss that the Russians had left,

then after that, it ran out

and they just gave her scraps
and condensed milk,

and she also ate some navigation
charts, and she became enormous.

And in the end,
she'd gained too much weight

and had to be lifted out of the
main hatch,

rather than the way she came in
through the torpedo tube.

They didn't fire her out
of the torpedo tube?

That would have been good,
wouldn't it? Yeah.

No, so she got sent off to a zoo.

At least there's somewhere for them
all to hang their caps, the sailors.

That's a very good point!

Unfortunately,
we don't have a picture of her.

We do have a picture of another
reindeer.

This reindeer is called Olga.
There she is.

She arrived at Scapa Flow in December


also a gift from a Russian Admiral.

They are very unoriginal
in their gift-giving.

I think the Russians were training
reindeer... Undercover.

..to be spies. Oh. Yeah.

Either that,
or when you fall asleep,

it opens and Russian soldiers...
Come out, yeah, yeah!

I can't imagine hooking your baby up
to the back of a reindeer. No.

I've been pulled many times
on a sleigh by reindeer,

and they're unbelievably
gentle and lovely.

Yeah, but not as a small baby.

No, obviously,
I was a grown-up and fully

in charge of what was going on.
Right.

I thought you were going to say,
"fully grown". No, not...

Wow, even you're making those jokes.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

JUSTIN: Yes, you know you're short
when a blind man knows...

I might not be able to see anything,
but I can judge an angle!

Did you know, darling,
that the person who created

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,
Robert L May,

intended to call him Reginald?

That's the thing. If we didn't know
Rudolph... It would be Reginald.

..Reginald would sound right.
Rudolph would sound stupid. Yeah.

If it was Adolf,
that would be funny.

"He's got a red nose."

"What about his 'tache?"
"Shut up!"

"What about his red nose?"

And actually,
lots of reindeer do have red noses.

Why do you think that might be?

They're clowns.

Why might a reindeer...?
It is a thing.

Why do they have red noses? Rosacea.

What, like...like...?

They just have bad circulation
in their face.

No, in fact, they have excellent
circulation, it's to do with that.

Is it, like... It's how they
lure a mate. ..a sexual thing?

No. Is it like a red light
in a red light district? No.

The red nose district. No.

I'm going to stop you all.

So, if they breathed that Arctic air
straight in,

they would literally die of cold,

so the noses contain a
huge number of blood vessels,

and in some of them, the density
of blood vessels is so great,

it actually turns their noses red.

So the cold, dry air enters and
it's warmed by these capillaries,

and moistened, also,
by a thick layer of mucus.

This is astonishing.

They can breathe in air
that is -40 degrees Celsius

and by the time
it reaches their lungs,

it is +38 degrees Celsius.

It has gained almost 80 degrees
in a single second.

Wow! Isn't that incredible?

That is like entering
any grandparent's home!

LAUGHTER

They also cool the air
on the way out.

It's cooled by about 20 degrees
Celsius before it exits the nose,

and then they recapture all the
moisture in this nasal mucus

before the air is exhaled,
so what it means is,

if a human being was to stand
next to a reindeer

at, say, -30 degrees Celsius,

you would see the human being's
breath,

cos you'd see all the
bits of moisture,

but you would not see the
reindeer's breath at all because

they're so brilliant at absorbing all
the moisture back into the body.

So if you ever see them with breath,

it means they're smoking. Yeah.

Or vaping. Or vaping. Vaping.
I'm going to go with vaping.

Can I show you something
which is extraordinary?

This is then forming what's
called a cyclone.

So, when they are threatened,
they run in circles

and that makes it really hard
for predators

to attack individual animals.

Almost always,
they run in an anticlockwise manner,

but isn't that astonishing?
There's hundreds.

Hundreds of them, running around...

We're looking at hundreds of
reindeer running around in circles.

Like a mosh pit.
Yes, exactly like that. Yeah.

I think that's amazing.

So, why do they do that?

Because it makes it really difficult

for a predator to single out
an animal.

And another trick they have
is that their knees click,

so that they can send each other
sound signals, even in a blizzard.

So if you hear your neighbour's
knees moving,

suddenly starting to
click very quickly,

that might mean there's danger about.

So they send messages through
their... Oh, my knees click.

Maybe I'm just sending messages.
To reindeer. Yeah. Yeah.

What horrible incident
involving Dijon befell

Father Christmas in 1951?

# Hallelujah! #

Did somebody put
mustard on their mince pie?

Oh, that would be bad,
wouldn't it? I love mustard.

You like mustard? Oh, I eat
mouthfuls of it raw. Really? Yeah.

French mustard or English mustard?
French. Dijon?

Yes, and wholegrain.
I can only eat that stuff,

I can't eat the English stuff that
goes up the back of your nose.

Yeah. It burns my eyeballs.
Yeah. Not that it matters, but...

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

But I like the stuff
with the seeds in it,

but did he fall into a vat of
mustard or something? No, it has
nothing to do with mustard.

We're talking about the French city
of Dijon, it's to do with Christmas,
it's the early 1950s.

And the Catholic Church was very
cross, they thought that Christmas
had become too commercialised

and it should be more about
le petit Jesus than presents.

And so...
Something happened to Santa?

Yes, something did happen to Santa.
In the town? Yes. Did he get hung?

Well, did they ban Santa? Yes.
They hung Santa?! They hung Santa.

They hung him?! Yes. Who hung Santa?

OK, the Catholics, that's...

Catholics?! Yes. The Catholics!

At Dijon Cathedral in 1951,
on December 23rd,


eight-foot tall Santa effigy...

That's so bleak - the kids turned
on Santa! Oh, my God.

It's even worse! So there's
a young man, he asked the crowd,

"Does Santa deserve death?"

And the assembled children chanted
back, "Yes, yes, yes,"

before setting fire to the effigy
and pelting it with orange peel.

Oh, my God.
AUDIENCE: Oh!

It was the Church?
The Church did it, yes.
So the Archbishop of Rennes,

he said it demonstrated that
the Church was pushing back against

the paganism which Santa
seemed to bring...

How has that worked out
for them in Dijon?

Well, the very next day, there was
a pro-Santa rally outside

the town hall. Oh, my gosh.
"San-ta! San-ta!"

So, Santa has been in trouble
all over the world,

he's faced challenges. 1920s in
the Soviet Union, Christmas itself
was banned for years.

There was a sort of wave of
anti-Christmas sentiment

all the way through Soviet Russia.

One school put on a play where
fictional characters were expelled

as non-Soviet elements,

Cinderella was tried for betraying
the working class, and Father Frost

was accused of spying on people
down their chimneys.

And it wasn't until 1937 that
Father Frost, or Ded Moroz,

was allowed to return,
but he has to wear a blue coat,

so that we don't think he's the
Western... Cos he works at Pontins.

It was rather like the Puritans
under Oliver Cromwell,

and in parts of the United States,
when the Forefathers arrived,
they followed Oliver Cromwell's idea

that you didn't have Christmas at
all. It was seen as Popish excess.

So carol singing was seen as
a political statement.

People used to do
secret carol singing. Wow!

In fact, I think 1644,

the Act of Parliament came in,
banning Christmas entirely

until the restoration
of the monarchy, which was 1660.

So there's a long period of time,
nearly two decades,

where we don't have any
Christmas at all in this country.

People would get together and do
secret carol singing? Yes.

WHISPERING: # Ding dong
merrily on high... #

SINGS IN A HIGH NOTE: # La la la! #
Ssh.

They loved Silent Night.

In the 1930s, Mexico's Ministry
of Education decided that

children shouldn't learn about
Santa Claus any more,

but gifts should be given
by an old Mesoamerican god,

Quetzalcoatl, who takes
the form of a feathered snake.

I mean, all due respect to
Mesoamerican culture and everything,

I'm not sure this is the one for the
kids, because this guy burnt himself

to death out of shame
after getting drunk

and having sex with his sister.

I mean, Christmas,
we've all had a drink. I know.

Right, it's time for another
socially distanced record attempt,

specially created for us
by Guinness World Records,

and we are going to do the most
Christmas crackers pulled

by an individual in 30 seconds, OK?

The number to beat is 20.
Craig is here to judge again.

Alan and Justin, you're going
to be taking this one on.

So there's an important condition,
isn't there, Craig, that we have to

be able to hear the bang of each
cr*cker, is that right?

Each cr*cker has to crack,
so we'll count them backstage

to make sure each of the papers
has actually exploded.
Has actually gone? Yeah. OK,

so you may put your crackers
out on your table in front of you.

That's my boy. So, I don't know what
your technique is going to be,

are you going to have them standing?

You're losing them all over...
Is it one person doing this?

One person pulling the crackers.

Do we have to do one at once?
Is that right, Craig?

Yeah, one cr*cker at a time.
One cr*cker at a time.

Do you have to read all the jokes
and put all the hats on?

Oh, wait a minute,
because all the gifts might fly out,

I'm just going to put on... You're
going to wear goggles. Good idea.

Because, honestly,
a pack of playing cards...

LAUGHTER

OK, I've got my safety glasses.
Come on, Alan.

Right, hand over to Craig.

OK, so start with your hands
behind your back, please. Oh. Oh.

Do you want to change
how you've got them, darling?

I'm not going to do 20
in 30 seconds, Sandi.

Yes, you are,
I've got every faith in you.

No, I think this is
a perfect layout. OK.

Just use both hands.

Have you got everything ready?
Yeah, I'm ready. OK.

Can I just say, Sandi... Yes? ..I'm
psyched for this. OK, good. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

So, this one, you have to stop
when the music does, OK? OK.

Craig? OK. You have 30 seconds

in three, two, one. Go!

One, two, three... Go! Go! Go!

Oh, nice technique!

CHEERING, SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

..13, 14, 15...

You've got this!

BUZZER: # Hallelujah! Hallelujah! #

KLAXON
Stop!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I feel... I feel alive!

I feel giddy!

But look at that. The smell
of gunpowder! Look at that.

That could have had my eye out,
that. Pair of nail clippers.

Environmentally,
this is a disaster as well. Yeah.

It smells incredible.

"What did Father Christmas do
when he went speed dating?"

He pulled a cr*cker.
"He pulled a cr*cker!"

"How do you know when Santa's in
the room?" Oh, I don't know.

"Because the residents of Dijon
have hung and burnt him."

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Right, we'll bring the news to you
as soon as we have it

as to whether or not
the record has been broken.

But it was looking pretty good,
I think.

What happened to the turkey at
Charles Dickens' last Christmas?

# Hallelujah. #

If it was his last Christmas... Yes.

..did it k*ll Charles Dickens?

Oh. No.

Attacked him in the kitchen... Yeah.

..and cooked him on a medium
heat for however long,

three hours. No.

He had...

..indigestion. No. It... Salmonella?

It never turned up.

He should have ordered one of them
geese. They come really fast.

Yes, much quicker!

So here's what happened.

The turkey was on its way to him and
the train carriage which it was in

burnt down somewhere near Reading.

And so the pieces of turkey,

it burnt, but not so much that
you couldn't eat it,

and they were sold off,
portions of it,

for sixpence a portion
to the people of Reading.

I think that's the
world's first pop-up.

Yes... Yes, you're quite right.

There's a thing about Dickens,
though, he was...

..I mean, obviously, a great writer
and everything else we know about,

but it's funny you're
talking about turkey,

cos he was an innovative chef,
as well. He...

..was one of the first people
in this country to use herbs,

and he was very specific
about the herbs he used.

Are you serious? Yeah, yeah.

Cos he often... He said that

it was the best of thyme,
the worst of thyme.

AUDIENCE GROANS

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Oh, God.

Is this not the point
in a Christmas gathering

where somebody goes, "You b*stard!"?

Yes! That's very good, darling.

I did not see that coming.
That was very good.

The 30 lb turkey was not the biggest
Christmas present he ever received.

In 1864, he was given
an entire Swiss chalet

as a gift from an actor friend
called Charles Fechter.

I bet he guessed... Yeah.

..when he unwrapped it.

Well, it came in 58 separate boxes
designed for self-assembly,

and the instructions were in French.

It's like a puzzle, as well,
isn't it? Yes. He had no idea.

Eventually he had to hire a stage
carpenter to help him build it.

Is that it? Yes.

I put our table together at home,

and, um...it's fine, you know.

It was meant to be
a chest of drawers, but...

LAUGHTER

..it does the job.

He used to work in it in the summer,

and the top floor is where
he wrote his last works.

But he also lined it with mirrors,
because he used to...

He was a tremendous performer and
he liked to try out his performances.

The only thing I've ever read
of his is Mickey's Christmas Carol.

Yeah.

OK. Um...

LAUGHTER

The Dickensian way to roast a turkey

is to stick it on a train
and set the train on fire.

Do you ever get Christmas
cards from people

but have no idea who they are?
Has that ever happened?

The worst Christmas card
I ever got wasn't a Christmas card,

it was a note, came through
the post, said,

"We've got some post for you but the
person's not paid enough for it."

So I had to go to the post office
and pay £1.50 for a Christmas card

from someone who came to my house
the next day for Christmas lunch.

b*stards. That's a rotten thing.

Have a look at some Christmas cards
that you've got under the desk.

Now, Chris, let me tell you about
your card. Shall I open it? Yes.

So one of the Elves spent ages
writing it in braille for you.

Oh, my God, there's braille in it.
I don't read braille.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Amazingly, I do. You're not helping
yourself here, are you?

I mean, if we're honest,
it's just dots, isn't it?

LAUGHTER

No, I'm not a very good
blind person,

but that's very thoughtful,
I mean, God knows what it says.

They did try. No.
Well, what does yours say?

Mine says, "Merry Christmas from
Phil and Joyce." OK, and you two?

Mine says, "Warmest wishes this
festive season, Dr and Mrs Kunz."

Christmas Kunz but once a year.
Yeah.

OK. So yours, Chris and Alan,
yours say Phil and Joyce,

and yours say Dr and Mrs Kunz.
Mrs Kunz.

So this has actually been tried.

There were two sociologists
from Brigham Young University

called Phillip Kunz - which is
where the name comes from -
and Michael Woolcott,

and they sent out 578 Christmas
cards to random addresses

in the United States, to see
how many people would write back.

It was really impressive.

One person in five sent
Christmas greetings in return,

as if they knew who the person was.

And what they discovered was,
you got better results

if you sent out
a higher status card.

So if you signed it "Dr and Mrs
Kunz", you got a 26% return.

"Phil and Joyce", just 15%.

But some people sent back letters
that were three or four pages long.

And a few people kept
sending cards for 15 years.

This particular study was in 1975.
They tried it again in 2015

and only got replies from 2%
of recipients, so it has changed.

Anybody else remember another
R-based feature of Christmas cards,

which is the round-robin?

Yes. We still get them.

Yeah, we get letters from... Yeah.

It doesn't... I...

I mean, I don't want to put
my family down... No, don't.

..but we're scum.

But we don't...

There's none of that, "And Johnny's
gone to university, and..."

We're more likely to get, you know,

"Gary's not gone to prison
this year, so...

"..that's something, you know?"

Well, my old friend,
the writer Simon Hoggart,

who used to present The News Quiz,

he used to collect examples
of them. I love this one.

"My ears ringing with praise for Jake
from his parent-teacher meeting,

"I got home to find
Emily opening a letter

"to say she'd won a place at Oxford."

I mean, you'd want to vomit,
wouldn't you?

Now, what was
the Immaculate Conception?

# Hallelujah! #

Yes? The Immaculate Conception
is when the Virgin Mary... Yes?

..became pregnant with
the Holy Spirit. No.

KLAXON

Lots of people think
it's to do with the virgin birth.

It has nothing to do with
the virgin birth of Jesus.

So, whose birth is it to do with?
Is it Mary's birth?

It is to do with Mary's birth.
So, Catholics believe that she was
conceived and born

without original sin, which, apart
from Adam and Eve, would make
her unique, I think, in history.

So it doesn't mean she was born by
a virgin birth, it means that she
could go on to be Christ's mother

because she didn't have any original
sin. So, immaculate just means
"not stained".

Macula in Latin is for
"stain" or "blemish".

So, according to the Church,
she never committed a single sin
in her entire life.

This is a marvellous
painting by Leonardo,

and that's her mother
in the background there, St Anne.

But it was officially made
part of the Catholic doctrine

by Pope Pius IX in 1854.

At exactly the same time, in fact,
the first Vatican Council,

when they made the Pope infallible.

I can't believe he's front
cover of Vanity Fair!

I know, that does seem extraordinary,
doesn't it?

I like that thing he's doing there

where he's like,
it's after Christmas lunch

and he's going, "It was me!" Yes.

LAUGHTER
"Sorry, too many sprouts."

In 2006, there was a British
insurance firm that had to withdraw

cover from three virgin sisters
in Inverness.

They had taken out insurance against
getting pregnant in the event

of a second coming of Christ.

If one of them had given birth
as a virgin,

they stood to gain £1 million
to help with the childcare.

Insurance companies don't pay out
with acts of God, though.

Ah, well...

..I know, but the burden of proof
that they had been impregnated

by the Holy Ghost was most
specifically resting with them

in the policy.
They eventually withdrew it

due to what can only be described
as adverse headlines.

Although, of course,
that got further headlines,

my favourite of which is,
"Sisters lose Second Coming cover."

There's a withdrawal joke in there
as well, isn't there?

Yeah, there is. Yeah. Yeah.

In 2018, the Church of England
commissioned a poll

to find the nation's ideal mother.
Anybody?

You?

KLAXON

APPLAUSE

Is it Victoria Beckham?

No, she wasn't on the list.

I can tell you that the Virgin Mary
placed eighth.

Willoughby? Princess Diana.

It's an extraordinary list.

Mary Poppins is higher
than the Virgin Mary.

Marge Simpson.

Mary Poppins isn't a mother!
Yeah, well... She was a nanny.

I know! But I'm just telling you.

The Queen, Michelle Obama,
Mother Teresa,

and people who put "my own mother",

but there were four fictitious
women on the list of ten,

and Princess Diana came first.

Could have gone for Mother Hubbard.

Yeah, Mother Hubbard
would have been good, yeah.

The Immaculate Conception

is actually a bit of an
inaccurate misconception.

We have a newsflash, everybody.

I have the results
of the Christmas cr*cker pulling.

Ooh! I'm actually quite excited.
OK. I am.

I can tell you that Justin got 30,

with 4 that didn't crack.

Alan got 35,

with 7 that didn't crack,

which makes Alan
the new world record holder!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wow, my kids are going to love this.
Am I going to be in the thing?

Darling, it's even better,
you're going to get a certificate

as the world record holder.
I haven't had a certificate
for years and years! I know.

Not since your swimming badge.
I have never been as disappointed.

I now know the first line
of your obituary, Alan,

that's quite exciting. If the BBC
had paid for a better quality

of cr*cker, you'd have had 42.

Yeah. Anyway, congratulations.
I'm... I'm proud to know you.

Now it's time to get
onto our tea tray

and slide down the icy slopes
of General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please.

What kind of room was Jesus born in?

# Hallelujah! #
Stable.

KLAXON

Just not got "winner" written all
over you tonight, have you, Justin?

No. So sorry, darling. No, not
a stable. What else? Premier Inn.

KLAXON, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Ah, they loved it. Holiday Inn.
OK, a Travelodge?

KLAXON, LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

So there is no mention
in the Bible whatsoever

of Jesus being born in a stable.

And also the idea that there was
no room at the inn seems

entirely wrong. So the Greek word,

which traditionally
is translated as inn,

is kataluma. It actually means
something more like "guest room".

So we know perfectly well the Bible
states that Joseph had

relatives in Bethlehem.

The likeliest explanation is that
kataluma refers to there being

no space in the guest room
at his relatives' house.

And he was born in a manger,
we do know that,

so it's a feeding trough -
that is mentioned in the Bible -

but that probably just means
he was born in the ground floor

living area. You often brought the
animals in to keep it nice and warm,

and so on. So the chances are
that he was actually just born

in a crowded family house.

If you actually get a genuine inn
mentioned in the Bible,

it's a different word, it's
"pandocheion", which means place
where strangers are welcome.

I really look forward
to your Christmas sermon. Yes.

In fact, the only gospels that
mention the nativity are Matthew

and Luke, and they have completely
different versions. Matthew mentions

the wise men visiting, Luke mentions
the shepherds.

John talks about watching The Great
Escape at four o'clock. Yeah.

Mark and John, the other gospels,
don't mention the nativity at all.

But here is the extraordinary
thing about the Bible,

is that women in the Bible
speak 1% of the time.

Be amazing, wouldn't it?

LAUGHTER

It's been lovely, being on the show.

LAUGHTER

No, women hardly say a word,
including the Virgin Mary,

who must have been rather
surprised by the entire thing.

She didn't say anything? She says
about 108 words in the entire...

And none of them are,
"Really?! What?!"

Now, what word beginning with C
describes people who make shoes?

Oh... Oh...

# Hallelujah. #

Absolutely not cobbler.

Correct. Not cobblers.

Cobblers don't make shoes.
What do they do?

Fix. They mend them,
absolutely right.

A cordwainer.
Yes, it is a cordwainer.

You're absolutely right. Wow. Whoa!

APPLAUSE

Well, I'll tell you why I know that,

because my school was sponsored by
loads of livery companies. Yes.

And the Cordwainers were one of the
livery companies that sponsored
them.

They are one of the oldest guilds,
since 1131, the Cordwainers.

And they were in Hackney.
Oh, that's very impressive, darling.

And would you know why cordwainers?
Do you know why that name?

No. No. OK.

They dealt with Cordovan leather,

so it's a specific kind of leather
from Spanish goats.

Cobblers were actually prevented
by law from making new shoes.

They were allowed to collect
old shoes and cut them apart

and use the leather to make
cheap second-hand shoes,

but they were not allowed
to make new ones.

Why do we say "cobblers" for
nonsense,

does anybody know, in rhyming slang?

It's cobbler's awls.

An awl is a tool,
it's sort of a pointed tool

that pierces holes in leather.
So cobbler's awls...

ba*ls. ba*ls.

There you go.
Is it? Yeah. Oh. Oh.

So, what's a cobbler,
like, a pudding?

Like a peach cobbler?

Why the connection with the
two words? Yeah. I'm not sure.

Is it cos it's cobbled together?

It might be related to the word
cobeler, which means wooden bowl,

and therefore has an
entirely different origin.

Made out of shoe pastry! Yeah!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I want you to think back 2,000 years
to a group of shepherds,

washing their socks by night
under a deep red sky.

What did the sky tell them
about the weather forecast?

# Hallelujah. #

Justin?

Red sky at night... Angel Delight.

..shepherd's delight.

Is correct. Oh, it is correct? Yes.

Are you having a little seizure?

Yeah, I thought I was going
to get the...

IMITATES KLAXON
"You're an idiot!"

In fact, it is a very useful thing.

"Red sky at night,
shepherd's delight"

is an entirely useful
prognostication.

So you get a red sky at night
when dust and small particles

are trapped in the atmosphere
by high pressure.

So a red sky at sunset could well
mean that high pressure

is moving in from the west,
and if that's the case,

the next day is usually going to be
dry and very pleasant.

Conversely, if you get a red sky
in the morning, that's often

because the high-pressure system
has passed on

and the wet and windy low-pressure
system is coming behind it.

Red sky in the morning,
sailor's warning.

Yeah, all of those...
All of those things.

But if you're in Australia,

just a word of caution
to our Australian viewers,

the north of Australia
is the opposite,

so it has tropical weather patterns.

Also, you've got poisonous spiders.
There's that.

LAUGHTER

Red sky at night
might just be right.

Who wrote Oliver Twiss
and Nickelas Nicklebery?

Oliver Twiss? That's not right. No.

Are these a kind of, what,
spoofy Charles Dickens? They are.

# Hallelujah! #
Yes, Justin? Is it d*ck Charles?

Er... It might as well have been,
is the truth of it. Yeah.

He was so popular.
This is our second Dickens question

cos he's such a kind of
iconic figure at Christmas.

There were loads of knock-off
versions of his most famous works.

So there was Barnaby Budge,
David Copperful, Martin Guzzlewit,

the Penny Pickwick, and these all
sold phenomenally well.

But were they actually the story?

Well, the story was written by
a man called Thomas Peckett Prest.

I have to say, Thomas's versions
were a little bit sexier.

So Nancy in Oliver Twiss,
renamed as Poll Smiggins,

has a... Let's call it a more
sexually explicit backstory.

So they're a little bit racier.

But there was no law stopping
anybody selling these

kind of knock-offs
until the Copyright Act of 1842.

It sounds like the modern-day
equivalent would be

if you only watched the porn version
of films instead of the originals.

Yes, yeah, exactly, yes. Yes.

Saving Ryan's Privates.
There you go. Yeah.

Tale Of Two t*tties.
Or is it Shaving Ryan's Privates?

Good Will Humping.

Right, time now for our
final record attempt -

the fastest time to dress up
as Santa Claus. OK?

So you can see
I've already got part of it on.

I was going to do this myself,
but one of the conditions is that

you have to start out
in your underwear.

So I've asked my son, Theo,
to do it for me.

He looks so much better
in his unmentionables than I do.

Oh, he's not wearing your underwear?
No, he's not wearing my underwear.

The time to beat is 30.94 seconds.

I'm going to hand over
to Craig for the last time.

Any rules about this, Craig?

It's a Guinness World Records
approved Santa outfit.

You know you have to put it all on
exactly as it's presented.

And when you're done, hands up and
say stop or h*-h*-h* or whatever.

Stop is quicker.
Stop is quicker.

You have 30.94 seconds to beat,
so I'll give you a three, two, one.

OK. Come on. And then at the end...
We'll burn you.
Hang you and burn you.

LAUGHTER

Ready?

Can I just ask Alan to give me
some radio commentary on this?

Certainly. Certainly.
Over to Alan in the commentary box.

He's standing up.

Near some Santa clothes.

Are we ready? Yes.
Three, two, one. Go!

HOLLY: Theo, Theo, Theo, Theo, Theo!

CHEERING, SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

CHEERING

SHOUTS OF ENCOURAGEMENT

DROWNED OUT BY AUDIENCE

KLAXON, CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

So you had 30.94 to beat.

And you achieved...28...

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Is that it? Has he done it?
He's done it.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Are you proud, Sandi?
Oh, both my boys, Alan and Theo!

This has been a very important
Christmas for me!

You're going to have the smuggest
round-robin ever! I know, right?

"I'd only just recovered
from Alan's world record..."

This is the point where
I traditionally do the scores,

but it's Christmas,
so everyone is a winner!

# Halle

# Lujah! #

Right, that's it from Justin,
Holly, Chris, Alan and me.

And merry Christmas to you all,
you filthy animals. Goodnight.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE