21x07 - Ufology

[bunniefuu]

ROBOTICALLY: Hello,
and welcome to QI

where, tonight, we are scanning
the universe for the UFOs.

Our guests are...
I literally can't read.

Our guests are universally loved.

It's the stellar Tom Ward.

The celestial Cally Beaton.

The heavenly Nish Kumar.

And the star of every show,
Alan Davies.

Their buzzers are unsettlingly
unearthly. Nish goes...

Cally goes...

# Calling occupants of
interplanetary craft. #

Tom goes...

The X-Files theme

And Alan goes...

# It was a one-eyed, one-horned

# Flyin' purple people eater

# One-eyed, one-horned, flyin'
purple people eater

# One-eyed, one-horned

# Flyin' purple people eater

# Sure looks strange to me. #

Let's begin with question one.
What is the least-watched broadcast

in the history of the universe?

Piers Morgan, on TalkTV.

I love that, an early klaxon
for Cally Beaton.

Yeah, and to be clear,
it wasn't me that said that,

when he starts
moaning about me, OK?

We are talking about space,

so something that has been
broadcast... Sent out?

Yes. Into the galaxies?
Yes. Out into the universe.

Was it a compilation of humans'
finest TV moments sent out?

The opening sequence of Happy Days.
Er...

Den and Ange in the pub
in EastEnders.

The FA Cup Final, 1979.
All good stuff.

It was the very first intentional
broadcast by human beings

into the outer space,
and it was in 1974.

It went out from the Arecibo
Observatory in Puerto Rico.

It's a three-minute-long
radio message in binary.

I know. It's like one of those
terrible experimental pieces

on Radio 3. "Is this a thing?
I'm not really getting it."

Does it at least spell "boobs",
like when you used to do it on...?

So this is what it looks like when
it is decoded, but it's supposed

to have human beings, and it's
supposed to have planets on it,

and the structure of our DNA. It
looks like, you know those really

sh*t things your kids bring back
from primary school? It looks like

one of those, doesn't it?

I think it looks like
an embroidery, erm...

Uh-oh.

There's, like, one person who
absolutely hates their kid's art.

Maybe they got the message
and they've come back.

Back! It was designed by a team of
researchers at Cornell University,

led by an astrophysicist called
Dr Frank Drake, with the help of

Carl Sagan, the US astronomer. Ah.
Great scientist.

Presumably, we've got people
in all our various observatories

listening out as well.

Yeah. Listening out for the reply.

Every day, turning on.

Deathly silence. Yeah.

First of all, we don't know how much
alien life there might be out there.

So Frank Drake, who's the person
who came up with this particular

message, has calculated the number
of worlds in the universe

which might have alien life,
and he's put the number somewhere

between 20 planets and 50 million.

It's exactly the number I have. Yes.

That's our level of maths,

on a comedians' panel show.

"Somewhere between zero and loads."
Loads!

Also, it's been broadcast to places
that are pretty well known

not to support life. Blackpool.

And even if the aliens got
the message straight away,

and set off immediately,

it would take them 25,000 years
to get here.

It's like a second-class stamp
that's gone out.

Also, the tinfoil,
that protects us, doesn't it?

It stops people being able
to read your mind. Yes.

I mean, we don't need that
with Alan. It's really...

It's just an extra protection.
I worry about you, Alan.

You've taken this for 20 years.

I know. I mean,
you must be broken by now.

Does anybody know what was
the first art piece

that was broadcast into space?

Something from the primary school
art cupboard.

I'm going to tell you
that I don't...

I don't think you're going to
guess this in a million years,

so I'm going to give you anywhere
between 20 points and 50 million

if you guess what it is.
Is it the Mona Lisa?

Egyptian hieroglyphics.

The Fast and the Furious:
Tokyo Drift.

It was in 1986, and it is...

Gary Lineker!

Scoring against Poland.
What a moment!

Second goal, the second goal.
Oh, what a finish!

First time. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

What a hat-trick! What a hat-trick!

It brought us back in it. Yeah.

They're still talking about it
in outer space!

"Bloody hell, I thought they were
out, then Lineker turned up!

"Wasn't that amazing?
Let's go to Earth."

You're going to be so mortified
when I tell you what it is.

Is it the test card from the BBC?
No. It is...

It's the vaginal contractions
of Boston Ballet ballerinas.

Holy sh*t!

It's called Poetica Vaginal. Er...

It's by
a Harvard scientist and artist,

Joe Davis, and he made a
special machine to record

the vaginal contractions of
Boston Ballet ballerinas,

and we have spent a full hour
trying to work out where he put it.

I have to say, if you showed me
a picture of that guy,

my first thought would be - he's
recorded a vaginal contraction.

And he transmitted them as radio
waves from MIT's Millstone Radar.

He aimed it at four Sun-like systems

that are about ten
light years away.

He was worried that Nasa had sent
no images of human genitalia

or reproduction.
Very worrying, that. Yeah!

Is he a gynaecologist, an artist,

or just a very strange
rock promoter? No, he's not

a gynaecologist.
So whose were the vaginas?

I mean, I know whose they were...
The ballet dancers. Yeah.

But how did he access them?
Well, this is...

This is genuinely what we spent
an hour on the internet trying to

figure out. And as far as we... I
bet you came up with some... Well...

What a Google search!

"Accessing a ballerina's vag*na.

"How?"

How to use a space term,
they used a probe.

Yeah. That's what I'm going to say.
And apparently, it could pick up

voice, heartbeat,
respiration from the contractions.

And then he translated
the contractions into radio signals.

And it was 20 minutes long, right?

That's quite a lot of vag.
And he was...

And he broadcast it, and the
American Air Force officials

shut it down after
just a few minutes.

This is the most elaborate way
for you to get around to your wife

what your browser history was saying

on the home computer.

"I can explain!"

He is dressed as a vag*na,
though, so... Yeah.

When did you last see a vag*na?

Why do they always have
a winged figure emerging?

Yeah, but come on,
the rest of it is classic.

Headphones, lanyard.
We've all seen it!

So that was in 1986,
the vaginal contractions.

And then, 1999, there was another
official message was beamed out -

this time, from Crimea,
from Ukraine -

and it was called the Cosmic Call.

So it was 220 times longer than
the Arecibo message, and it had

all sorts of information that
you might think was useful,

about the geography of the Earth,
about basic geometry and so on.

Anyway, it was much more elaborate.
Digitised versions of the human

figures which were depicted on
the plaques aboard the Pioneer 10

and the Pioneer 11 spacecraft.

They went up in '72 and '73 there.

One is on the way to Sagittarius
and one is on its way to Taurus.

But in terms of the least-watched
broadcast, I mean, obviously,

we don't know. We don't know if
anybody's actually seen it.

When I was a TV exec, we used to
tell ourselves, if it got no views,

"Of course people were watching.
They just didn't have

"the box turned on." Yeah. And it's
hard to predict a hit, isn't it?

I turned South Park down
when they first... Oh!

I said, "No, that won't work,"
and spent the next year

trying to get it back.
So, yeah, hindsight.

So we don't know if anybody's seen
any of it or it's got anywhere.

We have absolutely no idea.
I think we can put the hats away.

What do you think? Thank God! I
was really struggling to keep it

on my head. What kind of cigars
are banned in Chateauneuf-du-Pape?

Wow! Wow!

She's going to be busy
for the weekend.

If Bill Clinton's there, any cigar
he whips out of his pocket

with the wrapper already off. Do you
know the weirdest thing, right?

So, I once had five minutes alone
with Bill Clinton, backstage,

we were both waiting to go onto a
thing, and I'd never met him before.

And after five minutes with him,
I thought, no, I probably would.

He was...

Really?

He was mesmerising. Was he? Yes.

And I'm about the right height.
It was all...

No, there was just something
about him. He's mesmeric.

He's got a very dreamy voice.

AS BILL CLINTON: "Hey,
nice to meet you, Sandy."

He locks onto you like
you're the only person... I mean,

I was, at that moment.

Anyway, back in the 1950s,
UFOs were known as flying cigars.

And in 1954, Chateauneuf-du-Pape

banned all UFOs from that region

of France. Or, as they were known,
flying cigars.

So there was a man in the north
of France who had seen two figures,

he said, that looked like deep-sea
divers, and they had emerged

from a cigar-shaped spacecraft.
And so the mayor of

Chateauneuf-du-Pape,
Lucien Jeune... Said,

"Stop drinking
the Chateauneuf-du-Pape."

He said, any aircraft
known as a flying saucer

or a flying cigar...
I should do it in French, really.

FRENCH ACCENT: Any aircraft
which is known as...

That's still English.

I was like, "Wow, my French
A-level's just come back to me!

"I'm getting every word she's
saying!" My daughter had to do

an essay for the French GCSE.
I said, "Your essay will be

"about shopping." She said, "What if
the question's not about shopping?"

"No, it is always going to be
about shopping." Doesn't matter.

"What do you dream of?"
"I dream of going shopping."

I really don't care what the
question is. And she got an A.

I wrote a thrilling story for my
O-level, because I only knew

the words for dog, window and river.

For your O-level? I wrote a story
about a man who went out of

the window to save a dog
that was in the river. Perfect.

Got a C. And that became a
best-selling Danish book.

Was it Danish? Swedish? The Man
Who Jumped Out Of The Window To...

That became a book, didn't it,
your French essay? Did it?!

Yeah. What's that book?
You're looking at me like I know

all Scandinavian literature.
Yeah, you do.

Tell us, Sandy!
Tell us everything about Denmark.

I literally, just before we
came on this evening, I had a text

from Jason Manford saying,

"I'm in Copenhagen.
Where should I go for dinner?"

You just think, what am I,
like some...

..TripAdvisor?
Are you mates with Jason Manford?

Yes, darling. That's pretty cool.

But not as close as
she is to Clinton.

Hey, Sandy, I'm in London.

You want to get together sometime?

I'll make you feel like
the smallest,

most beautiful l*sbian in the world.

That's very... Me and Nish are
going to come with you, anyway!

That's very good, darling.

AS BILL CLINTON: Hey, Nish,
I enjoy your humour tonight.

Yes! Very, uh, lively.

Do they have many
brown comedians in England?

Anyway, when do you think
the UFO craze began?

When did we sort of first
start talking about it?

I think of it as being like the
'50s, 1950s? Yeah. Certainly after

the Second World w*r, lots of pilots
reported seeing bright orange lights

and fireballs
near the wings of their planes,

and they became known as
foo fighters.

Ah!
From the French for fire, feu.

FRENCH ACCENT: The feu fighters.

And went on to... Which is the name
of? The band. The Foo Fighters.

Yes. Correct.

Shall I give him a point for that?
Yes!

Yes, Alan gets a point for just
repeating what I just said.

Apparently... Is his name
Dave Grohl? Yes. He doesn't like

the name, but he sort of stumbled
on it. He was reading about UFOs,

then he just got stuck with it.
Why are you nodding like...? Well,

because I worked at MTV for years.
I was always hanging out, you know,

doing stuff with the Foo Fighters.
Yeah. Do you know this gentleman?

I did. Does he talk like he sings?

I can't remember, but he was
more alluring than a Clinton.

Every time you say Clinton, it
sounds vulgar. I don't know what...

"Ooh, I took a right kick
to the Clintons the other day."

I just think of Clinton Cards. Oh.

"Ha-ha-ha-ha! I got one for one of
my stupid kids the other day!"

The term UFO was coined
in order to counter the idea

that all unidentified flying objects
were cigar-shaped,

or saucer-shaped, or whatever.

And in fact, now, they say UAP.

Unidentified Aerial Phenomena.

But in the USA, 2022,

on UAPs, 366 new sightings, of
which, 171 could not be explained.

We don't know what they are.

The Pentagon has refused
to rule out alien life.

The MoD has refused
to report on the matter

because they believe
there's no military threat.

Which means any day now,
we're going to be invaded by aliens.

Here's another question
from way up high.

What's the holiest confectionery?

Well, those are Curly Wurlys.

So, point for that, I'm assuming.

When I was a kid, Curly Wurlys
were much bigger than they are now.

Everything felt bigger
back then, didn't it?

Do you think they make...

All right, Cally,
I told you not to mention that!

I'm looking for a... What's your
favourite confectionery, Tom?

Well, I like Minstrels.
Oh, I love a Minstrel.

Yeah, I do. It's the
hard shell, isn't it?

It's just the give. It's such
an experience, emotionally,

because then,
and then it yields. Yeah, yeah.

It HAS been a long time
since you saw a vag*na!

Do you remember those
candy necklaces

that you had in the '70s?
Oh, the sucky necklace?

Yeah, because they had holes in.
Yes. That was my favourite holey...

So we're talking about something
that's actually holy.

Oh, is it a Toblerone
that's been baptised?

In 1920, a Belgian company called
Belgica - I don't know how

they thought of it, I don't know
how they thought of the title -

began manufacturing Communion
wafers, or hosts, for churches.

And then in 1945, it was decreed
that wafer production could only

happen on consecrated ground,

and so the production
had to move to abbeys.

Look at those creepy
backing singers in the sky.

# We haven't got any bodies! #

I don't think this place is
THAT holy,

they're decapitating babies.
It's sick!

She's happy.

Yeah, it's the... Anyway, I have
a lot of what are known as hosts,

Communion wafers, here. But Belgica
could no longer make these,

they had to find a new source
of income, and another of

their products at the time was
rice paper pill casings.

They used to put them round pills
to get children to swallow.

For quick-release powdered medicine
and that kind of thing.

And they decided to use those,

so pretty much the same technique as
creating a host, a Communion wafer.

And they invented the brilliant

flying saucer sweet.
Ah!

I know. So it's based on...

Good noise. Yes!

Have you all got some? So, that's
based on drugging children, is it?

These have not been consecrated,
so it's fine.

Try that, and try the flying saucer
and see if there's any similarity.

But here's one of the things
which is really weird

about Communion bread.
It has to be unleavened,

so it has to be made
purely of wheat,

and it ideally has to be crumb-free.
That tastes nice.

This is fine.
They've not been consecrated,

so they're not a holy thing. I'm
just literally passing out things.

Are these vegan?
I can't think what would be in it,

darling, that wouldn't be vegan.
I still don't want it...

..because my body is sacred.
Wow. You must be very annoying

in a restaurant. Somebody goes...

Someone goes all the way to the
kitchen and goes, "Is it vegan?",

and they come back and they go,
"It is vegan." "I don't want it."

Do you want to take these home,
darling? Yes, I do. I did really

enjoy the fact that Alan clearly is
a man who's had children, because

he literally saw me pop two and
went, "Can I have a look at that?

"Yeah, I'll just..."

Don't eat them all at once. No!

Have them after tea. You're
getting hyperactive, Nish.

You're getting hyperactive.

He can't open it, like a child!
Darling, darling,

turn it.

There we go.
You're getting tired, darling.

I love QI!

Close your mouth when you're eating.

Waffles are also thought
to have originated

as Communion wafers. In what way?
Well, 13th-century Europeans

were granted the right to make
their own wafers by the Church,

then your secular people get
involved and they go, "I don't

"really want one of those, but
I'd like something a bit similar."

If you put cinnamon on it, with some
pistachio ice cream, I'm all in.

It comes from the Dutch, waffle,
for weaving. It does. Wafel.

And the early waffle irons were
sometimes stamped with the shape of

Jesus, or a picture of the cross
or something that you would get,

so you'd feel like you were doing
a good thing. Eating Jesus

in a waffle machine?

Why do we say waffling?
Is it anything to do with waffles?

I'm going to go, no. No.
It's a completely different origin.

It comes from waff,
as in barking, like a dog. Ah!

And in Dutch, barking is waf.

Are you Dutch, Cally? No.

I have no follow-up
questions, weirdly.

It didn't go well,
just going to say. Oh.

Was it a man?

Several men.

Bloody great weekend, though. Yeah.

Why is nobody interested in
probing Uranus?

Has anyone else had a colonoscopy?

Yes. Because I... It's actually
not a bad day out, is it? No. No.

Because you get laxatives,
so you get a very flat stomach.

You're thin. Yeah. You go in,
they put you on so many drugs,

it's like partying with the
Foo Fighters back in the '90s.

You get a day off work.

And it's not bad, is it? No, it's
fine. I mean, as long as the results

come back OK. No, no,
as long as the results are OK.

Because you go in there thinking
there might be something wrong

and you come out going,
"Oh, it was just beetroot." Yeah.

What about probing Uranus?

What is the problem about...

Why is nobody... Is it...

Is it the coldest planet? No. Is it
not? I thought it was very cold.

This is not the reason, though.
It's very gassy. I mean, it's hard

to prod it, I'd have thought.
Are we talking about the planet

or mine again?
Here's one of the things we know,

500 mile-per-hour winds.
Apparently, it smells like farts.

Wait, you're... Now we're
talking about your arse! Yeah.

I've never been more confused
in my entire life. Yes.

Uranus smells of farts?

Yes. It's also surrounded by...

It really is like being with
my seven-year-old! Yes.

Eating flying saucers
and laughing about farts.

I'm going to add to that, Nish.

It's also surrounded
by a big red ring.

But it's the very fact that
we're laughing now,

apparently, jokes about the planet's
name are jeopardising

funding into research.

Stop saying "probe"!
Find some other way... Or "Uranus".

Is it pronounced
"yur an*s," though?

Isn't it pronounced "Yur-annus"?
That doesn't exactly help. No. No.

The original Greek
would make it "Ouranos".

Ouranos! That's way better.

Sound like something that's about
to attack the Avengers. Yeah.

The way you said that,
if you'd said that to Clinton,

your wife would have been history.

With your Ancient Greek swagger.

Will you fund
probing Ouranos?

It's a serious problem, and they're
thinking they'll just look at

Neptune, because it's not so much
trouble as Uranus. I know!

And there have been jokes
around forever. 1859,

there was a joke in Punch magazine.

"If you put your head between your
legs, what planet do you see?"

"Uranus."

Anyway, if we all stick to
calling it "Ouranos," then maybe

the planet will stop being
the butt of the joke.

Before we move off that, who needs
to stick their bottom in the air

to live? Aw!

Is it yoga teachers?

OK, this is, like,
my favourite creature in years.

We're heading underwater.
This is one of the most astonishing

creatures I've ever come across.

It's called the diving bell spider,
and it is fantastic.

It spends its entire life underwater

and, yet, it needs air to breathe.

And it does so
by spinning a waterproof web,

which it anchors to
some nearby plants

and which acts like
an air-filled underwater base.

It's astonishing.

So, about once a day, it pokes
its hairy legs and its backside

out of the water and it
traps tiny air bubbles,

and then it travels down to
its silk diving bell

and it tops up its air supply.
Do you not think that's fantastic?

And here it is,
catching a stickleback fish

at the same time. Wow!
And it's so impressive.

It's so much more impressive
than a human diving bell because

the outer membrane allows gases
to be exchanged. So oxygen

in the water passes into the bell
and carbon dioxide is pushed out.

What?! Yes.

What?! How?! And they can connect
them to each other for mating.

The males build a silk tunnel
from theirs to the females.

"Hello..." Yeah!

"Come down the tunnel..."

With the diving bell.

Two diving bells,
connected by a tunnel.

The reproduction usually takes place
in the female's diving bell,

because it will be tidier.

Don't you think it's magnificent?
Unbelievable, is what it is.

It is so astonishing.

And the whole way in which spiders
generally make silk,

I think it's incredible. And they
use the silk to traverse underwater,

just like some spiders use it
to travel by air.

They sort of balloon themselves
into distant places.

So, one of the first people
to observe this was Charles Darwin.

He was on HMS Beagle
and it was infested by thousands of

tiny red spiders and, yet, they were


And for years and years and years,

they thought the spiders made
a sort of sail out of their web

and they were catching air currents.
In fact, they're kept aloft by

electricity in the sky.
You know when you rub a balloon

and it makes your hair stand on end?
Yeah, that's what I did.

With a big-a*s balloon.

I don't think they want to be in
water. I mean, look how happy he is.

He's absolutely...
He's never been happier, has he?

Yeah. "Woohoo!"
No, that's just a regular spider.

That's not a diving bell spider. Oh.

That's a tragic photo of it
falling to its death.

The cameraman's just gone...

Why is weightlifting
easier in Uganda?

Have they got less cultural guilt,
so they're lighter of spirit?

I mean, it's not the answer
I've got,

but I'm going to give you a point.

Yeah! I like it.

Is it altitude, is it the climate?

It is literally easier because
weights actually weigh less

on the Equator. Oh, yeah,
because it straddles the Equator.

So, we know - I'm going
to presume we all know -

the Earth is not a perfect sphere,
right? Yeah, it's flat.

Oh, no! I took the tin hat off! NO!

It's an oblate spheroid,
so it is flattened.

In other words, it means
it bulges out at the Equator.

So, if you look, there's a perfect
sphere on the left.

We've exaggerated it.
It is not quite...

I bulge out at the Equator. Yes.

So you're an oblate spheroid,
basically. Thanks, man.

If you are in Uganda, you are about


from the Earth's centre, compared
to the North and South Poles.

The further you are from the centre,
the effect of gravity is weaker.

OK? And not only that,
the Earth spins on its axis fastest

at the Equator, so you're pushed
away from it with a sort of

centrifugal force. Imagine yourself
being pushed very slightly away

from your bathroom scales. They
should have the Olympics there.

They should do. They'd probably
break the high jump record,

weightlifting record. But everybody
would be better, wouldn't they?

Everybody would be better, yes.
Not everybody. I'd still back myself

to run into the bar!

But if something weighed 100kg
at the North Pole,

it would be 99kg in Uganda.

Oh, wow. Weird. The other thing that
affects your weight

is travelling around the world.

So, there's a thing called
the Eotvos effect,

discovered by a Hungarian physicist
called Lorand Eotvos.

He discovered it on ships,
actually, in the early-1900s.

When you travel from west to east,
so that is the same direction

that the planet spins,

you are rotating in space
very slightly faster

than anybody standing still
on the Earth.

And this adds to the centrifugal
force, so it reduces your weight.

The problem with that is if you go
the other way, you go slower

and you become heavier. So you just
have to keep going that way.

The effect is minuscule. You
wouldn't notice it and your bathroom

scales probably wouldn't, but it's
enough that scientific instruments

at sea or in the air
have to be recalibrated

to take this into account.
The Eotvos effect.

So, take Nasa, for example. Where is
Nasa based? Florida. California.

Cape Canaveral.
Cape Canaveral, absolutely.

So the thing about Florida, imagine
down the right-hand side of the

American map, it's as close to
the Equator as you can get on

the United States mainland.

So that's going to help,
the effect of the equatorial bulge.

It's also on the East Coast.

And because rockets, for safety
reasons, are launched out to sea,

rockets are being launched
west to east,

so they get part of
the Eotvos effect.

That means they become faster and
lighter. There's a specific reason

why rockets in the United States
take off from that particular

place. It's near the Equator,
and it's going from west to east.

Plus, they keep the lawns
very nicely. They do, don't they?

So, you may be slightly lighter
if you fly east, but you will also

be more jet-lagged than when you
come back. Well, you're thinner.

If I had to choose between really
thin and really knackered...

What would you go with? I'm always
going thin. Sorry. I know,

I'm a really bad feminist.
Thin and knackered.

I want to be knackered and slim
as well. I know, but you're not

getting any,
so it's not happening for you.

Right. Name, please,
the biggest dead weight in America.

Donald Trump.

Yay!

Is it something to do with Nasa?

It's to do with standards
and technology.

Oh, a weighing machine?
It is a sort of weighing machine.

The Million Pounds... There's
a clue in the picture. Yes.

Oh, yes. A clue in the picture, eh?
Is it a big, heavy sock?

They used to have talking scales,
didn't they?

Oh, who wants that?
Nobody wants that. No.

"Ooh, someone's had a big weekend!"

It just goes, "Jesus Christ!"

"Agh, get him off me!"

It's called the Million Pounds-Force
Deadweight Machine.

It was built in 1965, and it is
to do with the US government's

National Institute of Standards
and Technology.

So, basically, it's responsible
for standardising units

of measurement across the country

and it weighs
exactly a million pounds.

It's made up of 19 times


right? And the whole set-up
is about ten-storeys tall.

And it took the QI lawyer to say,

"Can I just say that 19 times


Not one of us had spotted it.
If you're going towards the Equator,

it is. Yes. That's true.
It also has some structure,

and that is what makes it
up to a million pounds.

And its main purpose is to calibrate
the scales used for measuring

extremely strong forces,
things like rocket thrust

or jet engine propulsion and so on.

So they had to make sure
it was exactly a million pounds.

How do you weigh the thing
that's a million pounds?

Well, don't ask the QI Elves.

Clearly, no idea about maths at all.

So there is an international
prototype kilogram in Paris

and they made a replica of that
and multiplied it

453,592.37 times.

They've got things like this at
the National Physics Laboratory.

They've got a thing
that's exactly a metre.

Yeah. And it has to be kept
in certain conditions.

of temperature and humidity.
Never trust a man to really know

how long something is, though.
They're always...

That's not a metre.

But they do all sorts of standard
reference materials, or SRMs.

So there's a standard cigarette,
for example, which can test

the flammability of sofas,
that kind of thing.

Standard peanut butter,
which is used to test the contents

of a given jar. Say you wanted to
buy a jar of standard peanut butter

to test everything against, it's
going to cost you about $1,000.

I mean, it's not cheap.

But it's a massive, ten-storey jar.

Anybody know when
World Standards Day is?

I'm so glad I don't, actually.

You don't know when it is?
No, they can't decide.

There's no...

Yeah, there's no standard.

They set it as the 14th of October,
but 2023 America is doing it on

the 12th of October. It's always on
a different day, in different parts

of the world. That's an anecdote
they should have shot into space

to explain us to aliens. Yes.

Here is a big question.

Which would you prefer?

A big freeze, a big crunch,

a big bounce, a big rip

or a big slurp?

That sounds like
a bloody good date night to me.

You've got to get them in the
right order, obviously.

Where is the good point for Big Rip?

If you don't know by now, Nish...

Are those the original names
for the Spice Girls?

Does anybody know what the current
scientific consensus is

as how our universe started?

Big Bang. Big Bang. The Big Bang.
So, about... Four billion years ago.

It's close. 13.8. Erm...

Oh, no. Four billion's how old the
Earth is. It's like showing a flat

to somebody who can't afford it.

These are the theories about how
the universe will end. Oh!

So we had the Big Bang
and then we have to do the finish.

Where should we start? Do you want
to start? Oh, my God. I really

want to know about Big Slurp.

Are we all going to drown in
a big milkshake?

So, I love the Big Slurp.

That is possibly
my absolute favourite.

That's what she said to Clinton.

AS BILL CLINTON: Oh, Sandy,
you just carry on down there.

How is it you're so good at that?
It's slightly terrifying.

It's the only time I feel
truly sexy,

after hanging out with Cally
all night.

I'm going to confess,
it's not quite working on me,

but I like that you're good at it.

You don't like my l*sbian haircut?

It's a really nice haircut.

It does look like it's on
back to front.

So, the Big Slurp. I don't want
to go into too much science,

but a random quantum fluctuation
could cause a tiny bubble

of emptiness to form somewhere
in the universe.

And this bubble will immediately
start expanding at the speed

of light and basically just
slurp up everything in its path.

And that is one of the theories...
Like a Pac-Man. Exactly like that.

The whole universe will be
swallowed up by nothingness.

The only good thing about it, you
wouldn't really know. It happens at

the speed of light. Could be
happening now. You won't hear it

coming? You'd have no idea that the
Big Slurp... Tiny hole of emptiness?

Yes. I think that might be
the name of my autobiography.

What about the Big Freeze?
Everything gets cold. Yeah,

it's the heat death of the universe.

So the universe is expanding,
and as the universe gets bigger,

all the stars and planets are
extremely spread out. All the energy

is spread out, and everything will
become extremely cold, too cold

to support life. The Big Crunch,
what do you reckon?

The Big Crunch... God just stamps
us out, like a f*g under his shoe.

God just goes "EHH!"

"You thought it was evolution,
did you? You wankers!"

"Have a bit of that!" Just one
huge slip-on and a white sock.

"There you go, you slags!"

Cos God's Danny Dyer!

So what happens is the universe gets
bigger and bigger in volume,

to the point that
it finally slows down.

And once it slows down,
then gravity has an opportunity

to pull it all back together.
And it ends in everything shrinking

into an incredibly hot point.
And the Big Bounce, the thing is,

we don't know. It could be a
Big Crunch, followed by another

Big Bang. In other words, that
we're in a sort of cycle. So first,

there's a Big Bang, then
everything spreads out,

then it crunches back,
then it spreads out again.

And that would be the Big Bounce.

It's really unlikely,
because the universe

shows no sign at all
of slowing down.

Which brings us to the Big Rip.

The expansion of the universe
will accelerate until it overcomes

the forces of gravity,
and that means nothing

is holding everything together
and it all just rips to pieces.

None of them are a happy
finish really, are they?

No, none of it's ideal,
but probably not going to happen...

Well, not during
this broadcast, anyway.

On one of the Dave repeats.
It might on one of the repeats.

So, how old is the universe?

When can the universe expect, as it
were, a telegram from the King?

Well, it's 13.8 billion years,
didn't you say?

Effectively, we're coming up to
the 100th birthday of the universe,

only because that's how long
we've known about it. Ah.

So, in fact, it is October 2023,
somewhere on the night of the 5th,

the 6th of October marks 100 years
since Edwin Hubble first discovered

that a star called V1 was too far
away to belong to the Milky Way.

But look at these astonishing
photographs. This is V1.

This is the single most important
object in the history of cosmology,

discovered by Edwin Hubble.

Can you see how they get brighter?
There's different pictures. Yeah.

It's the fluctuations of brightness
that they were able to measure

and they were able to work out
how far away it was.

I think it's fascinating.
The truth is, we just don't know.

If the universe does end, it might
be with a slurp and not a whimper.

Sorry about that.

You all right? Wow.

I thought it was the Boston
ballerinas. Extraordinary.

And now let's launch into
a round of General Ignorance.

Fingers on buzzers, please. Imagine
you're on your way to the moon

when you're ejected
into space without a spacesuit.

What would happen to
your body temperature?

You'd freeze.

No. Anybody else?

Yes, Nish? You get slurped.

# Occupants... #

Aw, I love that so...

# Occupants... #

Is it... She was good, wasn't she?

Oh, so good.
Such a wonderful voice. Is it...

# Purple people eater... #

It's a vacuum. Vacuum?
Nothing would happen.

No, something would happen.

# Occupants... #

Is it... Would I get a bit hotter

because George Clooney
would be there, floating about?

I'd be like, "Oh, my!"

If you took George Clooney out,
you'd be entirely correct.

Well, what's the point of anything
when you take George Clooney out?

Let's go back to science basics from
schools. What are the ways in which

you can transfer heat?
Cigarette lighter.

Magnifying glass held up to the sun.
And matches.

Does anyone remember,
from school, conduction?

OK? Transfer by... Convection.
Convection, absolutely right.

We went to the same one lesson,
before we went and had a cigarette.

Convection, transfer by contact.
Convection, transfer by the movement

of liquids or gas. And the final
one? Put it on a radiator. Yes.

Radiator... Radiation. RadiaTION.

So, you have to imagine
you're in the vacuum of space.

You can't come into contact
with anything, right?

So there cannot be any conduction,
and convection cannot happen, OK?

So there's only radiation left.

The heat from your body
would radiate out.

However, as long as you are close to
the sun, then the sun's radiation

will warm you up faster
than your body cools down,

so you would bake. Basically, you'd
get sunburn in a few minutes

and second-degree burns in half
an hour. You would burn to death.

What about your blood, though?
Would your blood boil?

I'd be furious.

That's a horrible feeling!

20 years, Tom. 20 years! Yeah.

So people think your blood
would boil due to lack of pressure.

The truth is that the blood
inside your body is a closed system,

so the pressure wouldn't affect it.
It's a closed system.

Not up my an*s, it isn't. Wow.

Being out in space is a quick
and fatal way to get a suntan.

Name the first dog sent into space.

Laika?

It is...
Why even ask us the question?!

So, the very first dogs, Dezik and
Tsygan, first to reach space in...

I nearly said that, as well.
..1951. They're the ones who stole

a spaceship and went off
by themselves.

"Press that button!" "sh*t!"

Laika was six years later, 1957.

Do you know about the line that
divides the Earth's atmosphere

and space?
I know, I used to skydive. Right.

You go up to certain altitudes,
so there's a certain altitude

at which you need oxygen.

So you can go up to 15,000 feet
with no oxygen,

then you quite urgently need
oxygen. That doesn't answer

the question. I just thought you'd
like to know. Don't do it any more?

I don't, any more. I did a lot of
them. As a woman, you're a good

shape for skydiving
because you're trying to get

a sort of arc,
and our boobs actually help.

It depends on your boobs.
Mine, I'd end up with earmuffs!

"Open your chute!"
"What?"

And that's why I don't
do it any more. Yes.

It's a 20-something woman's game.

I absolutely love the general theme
of this show.

Obviously, we're here,
we're talking about UFOs.

But the real theme of this show is

Cally Beaton has lived
the most interesting life of anyone.

She speaks Dutch, she used
to skydive, she partied with

the Foo Fighters and she once turned
down the television show South Park.

Who are you?!

And why am I single?

There's a thing called the Karman
line, usually considered to be

the place where the Earth stops
and space begins.

Defined as being 100km
above sea level.

And these first two dogs,
Dezik and Tsygan,

they reached 110km.

This is a sweet story.

In 1989, the Discovery Shuttle ran
a middle-school students project.

They wanted to hatch 32 fertilised
chicken embryos in microgravity.

The project was called
Chicks In Space.

Aw! I know. So, did you know
that hens keep turning eggs

once they've laid them?
Do you know why they do that?

They turn them with their beak.
Shear boredom.

No, it's actually really clever.

So, gravity pulls the yolk
to the bottom of the shell.

And what they do is they turn them
regularly, so that the embryo

doesn't get stuck to
the shell membrane.

And so, the question was,
what would the effect be

of weightlessness on eggs
and the hatching of chickens?

What I like about it, the whole
thing was sponsored by KFC,

which is just a little bit...

That's bloody nepotism.

They had their own official
Nasa patch and everything.

And the very first chick that was
hatched was called Kentucky.

That was so nearly a happy story.
And it was delicious!

The good thing is, Kentucky lived
out his life in the Louisville Zoo,

so he didn't end up in a bucket.

Feels like the rest of your life is
going to be a huge disappointment.

If you were born and, immediately,
you were, like, "Whoa!",

then you have to spend
the rest of your life going,

"Oh, it's just grass and this."

Yeah. I was actually born in space
as part of an experiment.

And with that, we splash-land
back on Earth just in time

for the scores. Let's have a look.

The winner, with -8,
is Cally Beaton.

In second place,
with -16, it's Nish.

And in third place,
both with -17,

it's a shared third place,
Tom and Alan.

Thank you to Tom, Cally, Nish
and, of course, Alan.

And I leave you with this piece of
universal optimism

from American comedian Jack Handey.

AMERICAN ACCENT: "I wish outer space
guys would conquer the Earth

"and make people their pets,
because I'd like to have

"one of those little beds
with my name on it."

Thank you and goodnight.