07x18 - QI VG: Series G Compilation - Part 2

[bunniefuu]

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

You should have a card
if you haven't sawn it in half.

We'd like you to draw
the world's first novelty teapot.

LAUGHTER

Alan? Sorry it all went...
There's quite a draught in here
it turns out.

What did I ask you to draw?
The world's first novelty teapot.
Damn you WERE listening!

It's gone out that side but when
you asked me it was still in the
middle. Get drawing. World's first?

You mean we're inventing one or
there is one we should know about?

This is nice. I like it when the
class get on with... They're busy.

They're busy and quiet. Teacher sits
at the front texting her friends.

Do you know that rhyme?
"I'm a little teapot
short and stout here's my handle...

"Oh bugger I'm a sugar bowl!"
LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

How are you doing?
Is anyone ready to show yet?

David have you finished? Yeah
I have. I'm very pleased with it.

Is it an Indian goddess or a crab?

It's a novelty teapot. Oh yes.

Sorry. I thought
they have a lot of tea in India and
their goddesses are a bit like that.

The best bit the business end
of a teapot is the spout

so someone might have invented one
with lots of spouts.

A multiple spouted teapot? You have
to pretty much surround it with cups.

And that thing on the front
that looks like an ear
which is not an ear that's...

The handle? The handle.
Does it come with a cream
to treat scalding and burns?

No but it came in a society in which
the burning of various members of it

was not considered important by those
in charge. Good satirical point.
What have you got then Rob?

I've come up with a thing
called "handy tea".

It's a teapot... This actually all
jokes aside this could be a goer.

The finger is c*ck a snook
to authority so that will appeal
to the youngsters.

But the rest of it...
And I've called it "handy tea". Yes.

Which finger is that? The thumb.

That's weird. It's a very long...

Unless it's the left hand...

Which has got five fingers!

You're absolutely right. Yes.

It's not anatomically correct.

LAUGHTER
It's only a prototype.

It's not anatomically correct.
"Contents may differ upon delivery."

I think you'd have to agree there's
something for everyone on that.

It's very wise of you
to have signed it.

If you hadn't I would have nicked
that idea. I'd probably leave the
recording now to capitalise on it.

Dara what have you got? It's
supposed to be an Egyptian character.

Oh yes. I thought you wanted
something historical.

The Egyptian character is doing
the traditional hieroglyphic thing

but it pours out of its arm.

That's very clever. Unfortunately
I can't draw Egyptian clothes
so I've made him wear a small tuxedo.

Fair enough. And a little dicky bow.

He's on the way to some sort of
black tie event maybe the opening
of a pyramid for example.

You've signed it
and put a copyright notice on it.

Just in case that isn't correct.

Superb. Can I just say to David
I've also now copyrighted mine.

Very good. You have to put the date
in if you copyright something. sh*t.

Do you think I should copyright mine
or do you think...

I wouldn't rush no.

I wouldn't bother. Save the ink.

Alan what have you got?
What I've done
is I've done a bloke with a beak.

It's a long tall pot. Oh yes.

You can fill the feet as well.

That's his arm and then it'll all
come out of his beak. That works.

Then his little baseball cap
that's the lid.

The only drawback here is
you will need long thin tea bags.

I think that's going to be
a hell of a difficult thing to clean.

You shouldn't clean a teapot.
You don't clean a teapot.

You never clean a teapot? No.
Under no circumstances?

Not under no circumstances. Provided
you only put tea in it. OK...

If it's used as a teapot. Not if
you couldn't find the loo one night!

Call it a hunch but I sense
a hypothetical situation here.

It's not a hypothetical situation.
I've only ever used a teapot for tea

but if you make tea in a teapot once
in a blue moon in a vague attempt
to seem more civilised than you are

you leave it
it's still got a bit of tea in it...

You rinse it out. No you don't.
You're tired of being civilised
and you want to go to the pub.

You leave it there for weeks and
months then when you look in it
it's gone disgustingly mouldy.

It's talking to you. At that point
the flavour you'd get if you didn't
wash it for your next cup of tea

is if anything too characterful.

There is an animal
that uses the golden spiral shape
to capture its prey.

Big cats? No. Looping round
to avoid the offside trap? If I use
the word "gyre" will that help?

Turning and turning
in the widening gyre? Otters?
Does that mean anything to you?

Otters!
LAUGHTER

"The falcon cannot hear
the falconer." Is it a cow?

"Things fall apart the centre
cannot hold." Stephen is it a cow?

I thought you hadn't heard. Sorry.
No. "The falcon cannot hear
the falconer"? Is it a falcon?

A mouse! You are bad.
..Yes a falcon. The gyrfalcon.

It uses that shape.
Its very strong centre part
allows it to keep its head still.

I thought a falcon does that? No.

It flies round in a circle.

I thought he was on about
the falcon and the mouse because
the barley can't hear. Say again?

The mouse hunts the barley doesn't
he? The mouse hunts the barley?

Mice eat barley. Oh I see yes.

You were talking about the falcon
and what can't hear.

The mouse can hear the falcon but
the barley can't hear the mouse. No.

Really the mouse could approach the
barley straight off but it doesn't.

He mimics his hunter. Yeah.

Even if the barley could hear
the mouse there's not much
it could do about it.

APPLAUSE

At some point the alarm clock's
going to go off and I'll go
"God that was a weird nightmare!"

Yeah but as medical science
moves on barley will develop legs
obviously.

And the mouse has had
the foresightedness
to learn to hunt his prey

should GM crops develop further
than the mouse's capabilities.

Is that what mice say to each other?

"Thank God when the barley
develops legs that it's deaf."
Of course it does!

It doesn't benefit the barley
to not be eaten. No.
It needs to be eaten.

Barley wants to be eaten.

Oh! That's why the fruit hangs
on the tree and glows brightly
and wants to be eaten.

I've always looked at barley
and gone "Tart!"

Maybe the barley... "You want
to be bait." ..has got legs
but just doesn't use them.

Just hides them underground.
Maybe barley st*lks mice.

You mean barley's a sl*t?

Right um...
LAUGHTER

If everyone could roll
their tongues for me...

Very good.

Get a close-up on Graham.

What the hell...?
LAUGHTER

I think it's supposed
to be an illustration
of a child of two geniuses

may not necessarily be a genius.

I don't know that it says that.
APPLAUSE

Yes rolling tongues -
where does that gift come from?

A fish.

You asked. Yes I did.
And you gave an answer.

You avoided the trap to say
"from your parents" and it's not.

Some people can do it
and some can't.

It isn't related to the fact
that if your parents can do it
you will be able to do it.

There are other things some people
can do and some people can't
like asparagus and urine.

Does it make your urine smell?
It makes everyone's urine smell.
No it doesn't. Maybe not ladies.

Mostly women don't have the problem.

Put your hand up if you've never
noticed an effect of asparagus
in the smell of your urine.

You've never noticed? Never.

You've hardly finished chewing...
I know. And then you're peeing and
it stinks. They used to call it...

Other diners are pointing at you.

Saying "You should be doing that
in the toilet!"

"That stinks and he's doing it
in here!" They used to call it
"housemaid's despair".

If someone had had asparagus the
housemaid took the chamberpot. "Ow!"

I find... Maybe I'm wrong.

I find the smell of urine
quite distasteful anyway.

Yeah but believe me...

If you've got stinky pee
you need to see someone. I don't.

There's something wrong with you.
You've got a disease.

Your pee presumably
doesn't make you go "Eugh!"

No it just makes me go
"I'll not drink that."

Yes if you peed out a Chardonnay
that would be something else.

Best to leave that alone I feel.

I leave it alone because
I've just done it into a toilet.

I didn't say that I was flavouring
stuff. If you decanted it
that would be different.

When I was a child Sugar Puffs
made it smell of Sugar Puffs to me.
Anybody else? Yes. Good.

It's so nice not to be alone
isn't it?

People are a lot more interested
in their wee than they'll admit.

That's certainly true. People are
interested in what comes out of them
as a general rule.

Not in a kind of an icky way
but there is an element of...that.

I just wanted to say that if you ask
someone about their interests they
will say "Walking cinema books."

They won't say "Primarily
the smell of my own farts
I'm always fascinated by.

"But they don't come all the time
so I while away the rest of the time
with cinema books and long walks.

"If I could just fart all day and
smell it I'd be a fascinated man."

You're so right. Most psychologists
would agree with you and say it is
true but it's an unspoken truth.

Ask anyone on Earth when
they've just farted and smelt it
who's bored?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

You know what that means. It means
when you see someone reading
a book if they go like that...

LAUGHTER

They're not thinking about the book.
They've just let one go.

Now why don't we have more women
as guests on QI you may well ask?
Oh I know this.

Sorry. No no after you. No.

Is it because women
are just not funny?

Oh! Yeah. That's right but we're
good at other things. We're good at
raisin' kittens and knittin' cakes.

I've heard that women aren't funny
and I think there's a truth in this.

There is a scientific relationship
between a sense of humour
and the male sex organ.

People are always laughing at mine.
There you are.

LAUGHTER

Is this to do with the fact that
people say there aren't as many
female comedians as there are men?

Because there are loads
of female comedians.

We just don't see them because they
are systematically rounded up and
kept in a pen just outside Harwich.

Harwich? Yes but you can go and see
them and you can adopt them online.

You can visit them
and feed them lines and you might
get a joke back sometimes.

Sometimes some of them escape
and they disguise themselves
as male comedians

but you can tell which ones are
male comedians. They have beards
just like Life Of Brian.

Bill Bailey. Phill Jupitus.
Clearly a woman[!]

It's really rare to be allowed
to sit next to a female comedian.

I don't know if they're worried that
our cycles will suddenly synchronise.

I'm in disguise. I'm Rory Bremner.

Is it cos once you get them started
they don't shut up?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Whoa!

Here's a good gag. What sort
of person wears one of these?

Good Lord!

You could try it on yourself
if you like.

It's got little... Uh-oh! The sound
of polystyrene! I know. Agh agh!

There you are. Sorry. It is isn't
it? This is a tongue thing. Yeah.

It stops your lady talking. I can't
remember what they're called.

Does the word "ponyboy" come
in this answer? Ponyboy? Yes.

That's it. Oh I say
it fits you rather well.

LAUGHTER

Oh and it's got stuck.
It sounded like you were having
an idea then Stephen.

LAUGHTER
It's quite disconcerting.

Giddy-up!

"You've given me a thought there
Alan."

"Have him scrubbed
and brought to my room!"

Don't bother to have him scrubbed.

They're called... Anybody know?

MUMBLES:
A witch's bridle? So close.

Not "witch's". I can't talk!

What's the answer Alan?

Just do the letters.
One for "yes" two for "no".

Is it "A"? Uh-uh.

It's... Is it a device used for pigs
when they're constipated? I'm pretty
sure that's one of those. Eugh!

Sorry Alan.
I probably should have said before.

What they do is they strap it on
and they ram it home.

So it's a sort of chastity belt
for the face?

Yeah it's known
as a scold's bridle.

So when she's being ducked
in the river... You've got
to get it before he does it.

The other more common punishment
was what's called a cucking stool
often called a ducking stool.

Quite wrongly.
It is actually a cucking stool.

"Excuse me that's the wrong word!

"Get me off the cucking stool!"

Bouncy castles they're the best.

I hired one
for my son's fifth birthday.

Is it really fun? When all the kids
had gone here we go!

What do you do? You just fling
yourself about. It's brilliant.

When they set the bouncy castle up
for me they handed me
the safety instructions.

I was trying to read the safety
instructions with all these kids
bouncing around.

Within two minutes one kid
had got mullered in the face.

And he's bleeding.
A few hours later some parents
came to pick the kids up.

The safety instructions for
the bouncy castle were on the table
with blood on it.

"Yeah... Yeah it went fine."

Presumably like those slides on
aeroplanes in emergencies they tell
people to take off their high heels?

That's an important first step.

I always used to get nose bleeds
on them and someone
would always wee on those things.

They get incredibly excited
the young kids

and there's always a wet patch
as if a puppy has been on there.

They didn't exist
when I was a child. Really? No.
We had to make do with pigs and...

Big fat men. Big fat men? Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Wahey!

Oh I see.

Bouncing on the tummy.
You remember! Uncle's tummy.

"Come on come on." At the country
fete. "Come on kids." "We're going
up the Sumo Park. Come on."

"Someone's wee'd on me." Yes.
The Vicar has volunteered again.

"Come on Vicar!"

You know when you buy Parmesan
I've never understood
why it has a sell-by date on it

cos it just never goes off does it?

You could put it on a rooftop
in Nairobi for a year.

Why do they have to have
a sell-by date? So that you will
destroy it and buy some more.

You buy cheese at the supermarket
and it says "Consume within
two days of opening" or something.

It's a vast amount. How much cheese
do you think I'm going to get
through? I mean why? It's fine!

They know it's fine. It has a label
on it saying "20 years aged."

Yes exactly. And two days
before it's completely inedible
you sell it to me!

It is true. It's gone off already
cheese basically hasn't it?

That's its point exactly. It is
the celebration of what happens
when milk goes off big time styley!

Yeah. It should just...
LAUGHTER

You should work
for the Milk Marketing Board.

"Get some lovely English milk
gone off big time styley!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I'll have a milk gone off big time
styley and tomato sandwich please.

That's the best description
of cheese I've ever heard.

Aren't those sell-by dates
just over-cautious?

You could leave it for ages.
They're covering themselves.

Get it out the bin a couple of weeks
later and you'll be fine.

Put it down your pants
go in the sauna.

Sean Sean... Take it out.

Obviously reshape it again.

Sean you're not alone.
There are people here.

You're saying it out loud.
You're not thinking it.

We had a tortoise once and it had
very bad arthritis in its leg.

They said "We can operate
and replace it with a wheel."
That's fabulous.

They do that. Casters
so they can go in all directions.

We thought about taking all his
legs off and putting wheels on them.

That would have been wrong. And
then a little engine on the top.

Send it down the shops for a paper.

With an aerial on a spring.

You could have some peanuts on it
at parties.

I bet you couldn't do that.
I bet someone would object
if you motorised a tortoise.

Really[?]

You can have lorries like giant...

It's political correctness
gone mad Jeremy!

You can't even mutilate
a tortoise any more[!]

I'm not suggesting you mutilate it.
It could keep its legs.

I'm thinking of something
like a Bigfoot truck in America.

Big wheels that could be detached
so that it could be a tortoise run
round and eat weeds. Its legs go up?

When you want it to go shopping
just send it off to the shops.
A Transformer tortoise? Yes.

There's great big ones
in the Galapagos Islands.

They could bring substantial pieces
of furniture back.

You could put wings on them and they
could take off. You could yeah.

MIMICS ENGINE REVVING UP

Now the socks that
that man in the middle is wearing
are very long socks.

That's something
that I've turned to recently.

I now favour the longer sock.

Can you take me through
your reasoning? Yes I'll show you.

The gentleman's sock. The half hose.

Now Jo you as a lady are going
to think this sock is going to stop
a lot sooner than it does.

So watch this. Look at that.

Surely we've reached the peak.
Oh my goodness me!

Surely we've peaked. Oh my word!

He's wearing tights!

Ah!
APPLAUSE

Can I say...? Not so much for Jo
but Stephen Alan and Sean.

I urge you to give it a go

because it gives you
a feeling of security.

They do make you look
like a knobhead.

Sorry Rob. One of the problems
men have... They do.

There's a problem men have Jo
which is that we wear away the hair
on our shins by tight short socks.

Is that one of the things
you're afraid of?

By just carrying on
the conversation you imply that
you agree with what Jo has said.

What was going through my mind
is how difficult it would be
for a man to say that to a woman.

I'm not going in that direction. We
let women be rude to us. Could you
come down on one side or the other?

You're with me or her. It's just
as true that women make themselves
look ridiculous occasionally.

It doesn't make you look cool.
Nobody's going to go
"I'm going to get a pair of those."

At the risk of turning this
into Ready Steady Cook why
don't we let the audience decide?

All those who think Rob is on to
something with the gentleman's half
hose as they're technically called

the long sock
the Brydon long sock

could you please shout out
"Long sock"?

SOME SHOUT:
Long sock! It's not good.

I fear without having to ask...
There's no need to carry on. No OK.

APPLAUSE

There's Pascal's Wager.
You know Blaise Pascal the French
mathematician and philosopher?

He said "Let's just make a bet
because if there is no God
and there is no after-life

"when you die that's the end of it.

"But supposing there is one
and it may be billions to one
that there's an after-life

"why not bet that there will be one
because if you're wrong
the same will happen - nothing."

If you're wrong and bet there isn't
a God you've got a poker
up your bottom for eternity

which is a real bore.

The nuns told me "He knows what
you're thinking." Yes that's it.

"He knows." As soon as you've made
the bet you're as good as dead.

You are. But what if there's a third
option and there is an after-life

that you only get to go to
if you were an atheist?

Oh I like that one.

That's an amusing one. Cos then
you'd get all the Christians - dead.

And then a load of bitter atheists
going "Worst of all I was wrong!"

And they've got an eternity
to worry about it.

Yeah exactly with these lovely
angels offering them cream cakes.
"Sod off!"

What would you use this for?
I have a picture of them here.

To frighten the children.

It's a German invention. Put a torch
behind it then creep up into
their bedroom when they're asleep.

Just move it very slowly
across the room.

It's a thing that is used in
the lavatory. Air freshener? No.

It's for men to do something
when they go to the lavatory.

Is it anything to do with the seat?
It is.

To dive off it into the toilet?
No. Noble guess but doomed.

Do they sit down in Germany? So
they don't have to touch the seat?

It's if they lift the seat which
men tend to do before having a pee

this... I have one here. Here it is.

'Hello. This is your toilet speaking.
Wouldn't you rather like to sit down?

'You prefer to stand?
Then you may leave now.'

Poor German men don't actually get
to go to the toilet then do they?

No wonder they're wearing lederhosen
and slapping themselves all the time!

No in Germany they think
it's somehow unhygienic
because there's splashing.

They want the men to sit so that's
how it's attached. When you lift up
the seat it speaks at you.

Loud enough in a public lavatory
for others to hear
so that men sit and have a pee.

That's the idea. Here's a problem.
We've got builders in at the moment
and they're all using the lower loo.

It is like the Center Parcs log flume
in there at night.

LAUGHTER

Is that why... Is that why
you've got the long socks?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

There's this thing that when you
write an email at a certain time

it makes you solve a mathematical
puzzle before it will send it.

How marvellous!

You kind of go..."You!" Or "I've
always wanted to sleep with you"
you've sent to the Prime Minister.

Then you press "send"
and you have to do this.

By the time you've done it
you think "Thank God I didn't
send that!" Sobriety test. Yeah.

Or the other one that won't let you
send it till the next morning. It's
very clever. Good idea. Isn't it?

Yeah. But then if you were pissed
you'd go "I won't use that one.
I'll use a different one."

There are always ways round it.
Just phone them up. Yeah.

LAUGHTER

Go round. Yeah.

Even better. Shout out something...
"Oi!" "I'm glad you're in!"

Oh Lord!
"You've only just thrown me out."

What if you did that pissed with a
Ouija board contacting dead people
going "I'm glad you're dead"?

"I hated you when you were alive.

"You were a pain in the arse.
You made my life a misery."

I turned into a Steptoe then. "Dad!"

Are Ouija boards outgoing as well?

What tariff are you on?

You're going to think I'm making
this up but when I sit down

if I'm wearing a heavy cord
a jumbo cord for example

one of the things that annoys me
more than anything else

is when I put my trousers down
and sit down
sometimes it catches the long sock

and takes it down to the ankle.

Oh horror!
And I sometimes will pull
the sock up while I'm sitting there

just to have that nice feeling
of control of the sock reaching
the knee.

Do you know my dilemma
in that situation?

If I'm sitting on the toilet I
often take my glasses off as I don't
like wearing them... For distance.

I don't need them. I'm sat there for
a while. I don't need my glasses.

I take my glasses off
and the pants act like
a little hammock for the glasses.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

It gets worse because if I put them
in there... I might be sat there
for some time

because my diet isn't
the healthiest.

I eat far more meat than I should

so I might have sat there
for 10 or 15 minutes

then when I've finished
I stand up to pull my trousers up
I forget about my glasses. Oh no.

I go "Oh my glasses!"
And I've rammed my glasses
deep into my under regions.

Whoa! And I cleaned this pair
I think. Eugh!