American Beauty (1999)

[bunniefuu]

l need a father who's a role model.

Not some horny geek-boy
who's gonna spray his shorts

whenever l bring a girlfriend
home from school.

What a lame-o.

Someone really should just
put him out of his misery.

Want me to k*ll him for you?

Yeah. Would you?

My name is Lester Burnham.

This is my neighborhood.

This is my street.

This is my life.

l'm 42 years old.
ln less than a year...

...l'll be dead.

Of course, l don't know that yet.

And in a way, l'm dead already.

Look at me.

Jerking off in the shower.

This will be the high point of my day.

lt's all downhill from here.

That's my wife, Carolyn.

See the way the handle on those pruning
shears matches her gardening clogs?

That's not an accident.

Hush, Bitsy!

Hush! What is wrong with you?

That's our next door neighbor, Jim.

And that's his lover... Jim.

You spoil her. Bitsy...

- Me?
- ...no bark! Come inside now!

- Come on.
- Good morning, Jim!

Morning, Carolyn.

l love your tie. That color!

l just love your roses.

How do you get them
to flourish like this?

Well, l'll tell you:
eggshells and Miracle-Gro.

- l've never heard of that.
- Man...

...l get exhausted just watching her.

She wasn't always like this.
She used to be happy.

We used to be happy.

My daughter, Jane. Only child.

Janie's a pretty typical teenager:

angry, insecure, confused.

l wish l could tell her
that's all going to pass

but l don't want to lie to her.

Jane, honey,
are you trying to look unattractive?

Yes.

Congratulations,
you've succeeded admirably.

Lester, could you make me a little
later? l'm not quite late enough.

Nice going, Dad.

Both my wife and daughter
think l'm this gigantic loser.

And they're right.

l have lost something.

l'm not exactly sure what it is,

but l know l didn't always
feel this... sedated.

But you know what?

lt's never too late to get it back.

Hello. This is Lester Burnham
from Media Monthly magazine.

l'm calling for Mr. Tamblin, please.

Well, we're all under a deadline here.

There's some information
about your product launch

that isn't even covered
in your press release and...

Yeah, OK. Can l ask you a question?

Who is Tamblin? Does he exist?

'Cause he doesn't
ever seem to come in.

Yeah, OK. l'll leave my number.

lt's 555-01 99.

Lester Burnham. Thank you.

Hey, Les.

You got a minute?

For you, Brad, l got five.

So l'm sure you can understand

our need to cut corners around here.

Sure. Times are tight.
You got to free up some cash.

You got to spend money
to make money, right?

- Exactly.
- Like the time when Mr. Flournoy

used the company MasterCard
to pay for that hooker,

then she used the card and stayed
at the St. Regis for three months...

- That's unsubstantiated gossip!
- That's $50,000!

That's someone's salary
who's gonna get fired

because Craig has to
pay women to f*ck him!

Jesus! Calm down.

Nobody's getting fired yet.

That's why we're having everyone
write out a job description

mapping out in detail
how they contribute.

That way management can
assess who's valuable...

And who's expendable.

lt's just business.

l've been writing for this magazine
for 14 years. You've been here a month?

l'm one of the good guys, Les.

l'm trying to level with you.

This is your one chance
to save your job.

There's no decision.
Just write the damn thing.

You don't think it's weird
and kind of fascist?

Possibly, but you don't want
to be unemployed.

Let's sell our souls and work for Satan
because it's more convenient.

Could you be a little bit
more dramatic, please?

So we finally got new neighbors.

lf the Lomans had let me represent them
instead of the Real Estate King

that house would never have sat
on the market for six months.

They were still mad at you
for cutting down their sycamore.

Their sycamore? Come on!

A substantial portion of the root
structure was on our property.

How can you call it their sycamore?

l wouldn't have the heart to cut down
something if it wasn't partially mine.

Mom, do we always have to listen
to this elevator music?

No. No, we don't.

As soon as you've prepared a nutritious,
yet savory, meal that l'm about to eat

you can listen to whatever you like.

So, Janie, how was school?

lt was OK.

Just OK?

No, Dad. lt was spectacular.

Well, you want to know how things
went at myjob today?

They've hired this efficiency expert.

This really friendly guy named Brad.
How perfect is that?

He's there to make it seem like
they're justified in firing somebody

because they couldn't just
come right out and say that.

That would just be too honest.

So they've asked us. You couldn't
possibly care less, could you?

Well, what do you expect?

You can't all of a sudden be my best
friend just because you had a bad day.

l mean, hello! You've barely
even spoken to me for months.

What? You're Mother of the Year?
You treat her like an employee.

What?

What?!

l'm going to get some ice cream.

Janie...

l'm sorry l haven't been more...

...available. l'm just... l...

You know, you don't always have to
wait for me to come to you.

Great. So now it's my fault?

l didn't say that. lt's nobody's fault.

Janie, what happened?
We used to be pals.

l will sell this house today.

Welcome. l'm Carolyn Burnham.

This living room is very dramatic.

Wait till you see
the native stone fireplace!

A simple cream
could really lighten things up.

You could even put in a skylight.

Well, why don't we go into the kitchen?

lt's a dream come true for any cook.

Just filled with positive energy.

You'll be surprised how much a ceiling
fan can cut down on your energy costs.

You know, you could have some really
fun backyard get-togethers out here.

The ad said this pool
was "lagoon-like."

- Nothing "lagoon-like" about it.
- Except for maybe the bugs!

There aren't even any plants out here!

What do you call this?
ls this not this a plant?

lf you have a problem with the plants,
l can call my landscape architect.

- Solved!
- l think lagoon, l think waterfall.

l think tropical.
This is a cement hole.

l have some tiki torches in the garage.

Shut up!

Stop it! You weak. You baby! Shut up!

Shut up! Shut up!

Who are you looking for?

My parents are coming tonight.

They're trying to, you know,
take an active interest in me.

Gross. l hate it when my mom does that.

They're such assholes. Why can't
theyjust have their own lives?

What makes you so sure she wants us
to be there? Did she ask?

Of course not. She doesn't want us
to know how important this is to her.

But she's been practicing
her steps for weeks.

l'll bet money she'll resent it.

And l'm missing
the James Bond marathon on TNT.

Lester! This is important!

l'm sensing a real distance
growing between you and Jane.

Growing? She hates me.

She's just willful.

She hates you, too.

l'm sorry, l'm sorry.

Pardon me. Excuse me.

Now, for your halftime entertainment,

Rockwell High's award-winning
Dancing Spartanettes!

We can leave right after this, right?

sh*t! They're still here.

- Janie!
- Hey, l really enjoyed that!

- Congratulations! You were great!
- l didn't win anything.

Hi, l'm Lester, Janie's dad.

Oh, hi.

This is my friend, Angela Hayes.

OK. Good to meet you.

You were also good tonight. Very...

Nice to meet you, Angela. Honey!

l am so proud of you! You know,
l watched you very closely.

You didn't screw up once!

OK. We have to go.

- So what are you girls doing now?
- Dad!

We're going out for pizza.

Really? We can give you a ride.
l have a car. Want to come with us?

Thanks, but l have a car.

You have a car. Well, that's great.
That's great.

'Cause Janie's thinking about
getting a car soon, aren't you?

Dad! Mom's waiting for you.

lt was very nice meeting you, Angela.

Any friend of Janie's is...

...a friend of mine.

Well...

...l'll be seeing you around, then.

Could he be any more... pathetic?

l think he's sweet.

And l think he and your mother
have not had sex in a long time.

lt's the weirdest thing.

l feel like l've been
in a coma for about 20 years

and l'm just now waking up.

Spectacular.

l'm so sorry my dad was weird tonight.

That's OK.

l'm used to guys drooling over me.

lt started when l was about 12.

l'd go to dinner with my parents.

Every Thursday night, Red Lobster.

And every guy there
would stare at me when l walked in.

And l knew what they were thinking.

Just like l knew guys at school
thought about me when theyjerked off.

- Vomit.
- No, l liked it.

And l still like it.

lf people l don't even know
look at me and want to f*ck me

it means l really have a shot
at being a model, which is great.

Because there's nothing worse in life
than being ordinary.

l really think it'll happen for you.

l know.

Because everything
that was meant to happen, does...

...eventually.

as*h*le.

Hello?

- Hello?
- Why'd you call me?

l didn't.

My phone rang and l answered,
and somebody hung up.

l star-69ed, and l called you back.

Well, l was in the shower.

Oh, gross!

Ricky? Breakfast!

Be right there.

- Mom?
- Hello.

l don't eat bacon, remember?

l'm sorry. l must've forgotten.

What's new in the world, Dad?

This country is going straight to hell.

- Are you expecting anyone?
- No.

No.

- Hi.
- Welcome to the neighborhood.

Just something from our garden.

Except the pasta.
We got that at Fallaci's.

lt's unbelievably fresh.
Drop it in the water and it's done.

Jim Olmeyer. Two doors down.
Welcome to the neighborhood.

Colonel Frank Fitts, US Marine Corps.

- Nice to meet you. This is my partner.
- Jim Berkley, but people call me J.B.

Let's cut to the chase, OK?
What are you guys selling?

Nothing. We just wanted to say hi
to our new neighbors.

Yeah, yeah...

You said you're partners,
so what's your business?

Well...

He is a tax attorney.

And he's an anesthesiologist.

How come these f*ggots
always have to rub it in your face?

How can they be so shameless?

That's the whole thing, Dad.

They don't feel that's anything
to be ashamed of.

Well, it is.

Yeah, you're right.

Don't placate me
like l'm your mother, boy.

Forgive me, sir,
for speaking so bluntly:

Those f*gs make me want to puke
my f*cking guts out.

Well, me too, Son.

Yeah, me too.

l'm serious. He just pulled down
his pants and yanked it out.

You know, like,
"Say hello to Mr. Happy."

- Gross.
- lt wasn't gross.

- lt was kind of cool.
- So did you do it with him?

Of course l did.

He is a really well-known photographer.

He shoots for Elle
on, like, a regular basis.

lt would've been so majorly
stupid of me to turn him down.

You are a total prost*tute.

Hey. That's how things really are.

You just don't know because you're
this pampered little suburban chick.

So are you. You've only been in
Seventeen once, and you looked fat!

So stop acting like you're
goddamned Christy Turlington!

c**t!

l am so sick of people
taking their insecurities out on me.

Oh, my God! That's the pervert
who filmed me last night.

Him? Jane, no way,
he's a total lunatic.

- You know him?
- Yeah.

We were on the same lunch shift
when l was in ninth grade

and he would always say
the most random, weird things.

And then one day,
he was just, like, gone.

And then, Connie Cardullo told me

that his parents had
to put him in a mental institution.

Why? What did he do?

What do you mean?

Well, they can't put you away
just for saying weird things.

You total sl*t!

- You've got a crush on him!
- What? Please!

You're defending him. You love him.
You want to have 1 0,000 of his babies.

- Shut up!
- Hi.

My name's Ricky.
l just moved next door to you.

l know.

l remember this really creepy incident
where you were filming me last night.

l didn't mean to scare you.
l just think you're interesting.

Thanks, but l don't need some psycho
obsessing about me right now.

l'm not obsessing.
l'm just curious.

What a freak!

And why does he dress
like a Bible salesman?

He's, like, so confident.

That can't be real.

l don't believe him.

l mean, he didn't even look at me once.

How'd you get in the Army?

Look, Sergeant, l got
three reasons for being in the Army.

First, l'm patriotic. Second, l love
my country. And third, they nailed me.

You two boys report to me
immediately after this formation.

Take them away, Sarge!

Hey.

One, two, three, four.

What's going on here?

Bend all the way down.
Here comes the bull of the woods.

l'm sorry, what?

Mom, nobody said anything.

Oh. l'm sorry.

Everyone's with their spouse. How'd
it look if l showed up with no one?

- You end up ignoring me and talking...
- Now listen to me.

This is an important business function.

As you know,
my business is selling an image

and part of myjob
is to live that image...

Honey, do me a favor.

Just say whatever you want to say
and spare me the propaganda.

All right. Hi, Shirley!

Listen, just do me a favor.
Act happy tonight.

- l am happy, honey.
- No, you're not.

Oh! That's Buddy!

Buddy. Buddy!

- Hi.
- Hi! Good to see you again.

lt's so good to see you, too, Catherine.

- Carolyn.
- Carolyn, of course. How are you?

Very well, thank you.

- Hello, Christy.
- Hello.

- My husband, Lester.
- lt's a pleasure.

We've met before, actually.
This thing last year.

- Christmas at the Sheraton.
- Oh, yeah.

lt's OK. l wouldn't remember me, either.

Honey, don't be weird!

- All right, honey. l won't be weird.
- OK.

- l'll be whatever you want me to be.
- Well, OK...

- We have a very healthy relationship.
- l see.

Well, l don't know about you guys,
but l need a drink.

Put a little more in there, cowboy.

Excuse me.

Don't you live on Robin Hood Trail?
The house with the red door?

Yeah.

l'm Ricky Fitts. l just moved
in the house next to you.

Hi, Ricky Fitts. l'm Lester Burnham.

Hi, Mr. Burnham.

Do you party?

- Excuse me?
- Do you get high?

l probably wouldn't even tell you this
if l weren't a little tipsy

but... l'm in complete awe of you.

l mean, your firm is hands down the
Rolls Royce of local real estate firms

and your personal sales record is...

lt's very intimidating.

You know, l'd love to sit down with you
and just pick your brain.

lf you'd ever be willing.

You know? l suppose, technically,
l'm the competition

but, l mean, l don't flatter myself

that l'm even in the same league as you.

l don't.

l'd love to.

- Really?
- Absolutely.

Call my secretary.
Have her schedule a lunch.

l'll do that. Thank you.

Did you see that movie where the body
is walking around carrying its own head

and then the head
goes down on that babe?

Re-Animator.

Look, l'm not paying you to do
whatever it is you're doing out here.

Fine. So don't pay me.

- Excuse me?
- l quit.

So you don't have to pay me.
Now leave me alone.

as*h*le.

l think you just became
my personal hero.

Doesn't that make you nervous,
just quitting yourjob like that?

Well, l guess when
you're all of, what, 16...

Eighteen.

l just do these gigs as a cover.

l have other sources of income.

But my dad interferes less in my life

when l pretend to be an upstanding
young citizen with a respectable job.

Lester?!

What are you doing?

Honey, this... Ricky Fitts.

This is Ricky Fitts.

l'm Ricky Fitts. l just moved
into the house next to you.

l go to school with your daughter.

With Jane?

- Yeah. Jane.
- Really?

Hi. l'm ready to go.

l'll meet you out front.

l'm in trouble!

Nice meeting you, Ricky Fitts.
Thanks for the... thing.

Anytime. Lester!

lf you want any more,
you know where l live.

sh*t. They're home.
Quick, let's go up to my room.

l should say hi to your dad.

l don't want to be rude.

Nice suit.

You're looking good, Mr. Burnham.

Last time l saw you,
you looked kind of wound up.

ls that root beer?

l love root beer, don't you?

- Hey.
- Hi, Mom.

You remember Angela?

Yes, of course.

l forgot to tell you, she's gonna
spend the night. ls that OK?

Sorry about my dad.

Don't be. l think it's funny.

Yeah, to you, he's just another guy
who wants to jump your bones.

But to me, he's just...
too embarrassing to live.

Well, your mom's the one
who's embarrassing. What a phony.

But your dad's actually kind of cute.

Shut up.

He is. lf he just worked out
a little, he'd be hot.

- Shut up!
- Come on!

Like you've never sneaked a peek
at him in his underwear?

l bet he's got a big d*ck.

You are so grossing me out right now!

lf he built up his chest and arms,
l would totally f*ck him!

l would! l would suck
on your dad's big, fat d*ck

and then l'd f*ck him
until his eyes rolled back in his head!

Jane! What's that noise?

- l swear l heard something.
- Yeah.

That was the sound of you
being a huge, disgusting pig.

No, l'm serious. See?

- Oh, my God, Jane.
- What is it?

lt's that psycho next door.
Jane, what if he worships you?

What if he's got, like,
a shrine with pictures of you

surrounded by
dead people's heads and stuff?

sh*t. l bet he's filming us right now.

Really?

Welcome to America's
Weirdest Home Videos.

- Ricky?
- Coming, Dad.

You know l don't like locked doors
in my house, boy.

l'm sorry. l must've locked it
by accident.

So, what's up?

l need a urine sample.

Wow. lt's been six months already.

Can l give it to you in the morning?
l just took a whiz.

Yeah, l suppose.

You know...

Well... Good night, Son.

l've been waiting for you.

You've been working out, haven't you?

l could tell.

l was hoping you'd give me a bath.

l'm very, very dirty.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

You were masturbating.

- l was not.
- Yes, you were.

All right, so sh**t me!
l was whacking off.

That's right, l was choking the bishop.
Chafing the carrot.

You know, saying hi to my monster.

- That's disgusting!
- Excuse me,

but some of us still have blood
pumping through our veins!

- So do l!
- Really?

l'm the only one who seems
to be doing anything about it!

Lester, l refuse to live like this.

This is not a marriage!

This hasn't been a marriage for years.

But you were happy
as long as l kept my mouth shut.

Guess what? l've changed. And the
new me whacks off when he feels horny,

'cause you're obviously not gonna
help me out in that department.

l see. You think you're the only one
who's sexually frustrated.

l'm not? Well,
then come on, baby, l'm ready!

Don't you mess with me, mister.

l will divorce you so fast
it'll make your head spin!

On what grounds?

l'm not a drunk.
l don't f*ck other women.

l don't mistreat you.
l've never hit you.

l don't even try to touch you
since you made it abundantly clear

just how unnecessary
you consider me to be!

But l did support you
when you got your license.

And some people might think that
entitles me to half of what's yours.

So turn out the light
when you come back to bed, OK?

lt's a great thing when you realize

you still have the ability
to surprise yourself.

Makes you wonder what else you can do
that you've forgotten about.

Hey, guys!

- Lester, l didn't know you ran.
- l just started.

Good for you.

l figured you might be able to give me
some pointers. l need to shape up. Fast.

Are you looking to just lose weight

or do you want to have increased
strength and flexibility as well?

l want to look good naked.

What is this?

f*cking g*y pride parade?

Hey, Ricky.

My life is passing before my eyes and
those two have barely broken a sweat.

Sorry, hi. Lester Burnham.
l live next door. We haven't met.

Colonel Frank Fitts, US Marine Corps.

Oh, well...

Welcome to the neighborhood, sir.

Ricky...

l was thinking about...
the movie we talked about.

- Re-Animator.
- Yeah.

You want to borrow it?
lt's up in my room.

- OK.
- Come on.

- Can you hold this for a sec?
- Sure.

l don't think my dad would come in
while someone else is here,

- but you never know.
- What is this?

Urine.

l have to take a drug test every
six months just to make sure l'm clean.

Are you kidding?
You just smoked with me last night.

lt's not mine.

One of my clients is a nurse
in a pediatrician's office.

l cut her a deal,
she keeps me in clean piss.

You like Pink Floyd?

l like a lot of music.

Man, l haven't listened
to this album in years.

How much do you want?

l don't know. lt's been a while.
How much is an ounce?

This is totally decent,
and it's 300.

This sh*t is top-of-the-line.

lt's called G-1 3. lt's genetically
engineered by the US government.

lt's extremely potent, but
a completely mellow high. No paranoia.

ls that what we smoked last night?

This is all l ever smoke.

- How much?
- Two grand.

Jesus!

Things have changed since 1 973.

You don't have to pay now.
l know you're good for it.

Thanks.

There's a card in there
with my beeper number.

Beep me any time, day or night.

And l only accept cash.

Now l know how you can afford
all this equipment.

When l was your age, l flipped burgers
all summer just to buy an 8-track.

That sucks.

No. Actually, it was great.

All l did was party and get laid.

l had my whole life ahead of me.

My dad thinks l pay for all this
with catering jobs.

Never underestimate the power of denial.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

Mom's mad. Bench presses.

l'm going to whale on my pecs,
and then l'm going to do my back.

l see you're smoking pot now.
l'm so glad.

l think using ill*gal
psychotropic substances

is a very positive example
to set for our daughter.

You're one to talk, you bloodless,
money-grubbing freak.

Lester, you have such hostility in you!

Do you mind?
l'm trying to work out here.

Unless you want to spot me.

Lester, you will not get away with this!
You can be sure of that!

That's... what...

...you... think.

"Myjob consists
of basically masking my contempt

for the assholes in charge

and, at least once a day,

retiring to the men's room
so l can jerk off

while l fantasize about a life
that doesn't so closely resemble hell."

Well, you obviously have
no interest in saving yourself.

Brad, for 14 years l've been a wh*re
for the advertising industry.

The only way l could save myself now
is if l start firebombing.

Whatever. Management wants you gone
by the end of the day.

What sort of severance package
is management prepared to offer me

considering the information l have
about our editorial director

buying p*ssy with company money?
Which l think would interest the lRS,

since it technically constitutes fraud.

l'm sure that some of our advertisers
and rival publications

might like to know about it as well.
Not to mention... Craig's wife.

- What do you want?
- One year's salary with benefits.

That's not going to happen.

What do you say l throw in a little
sexual harassment charge to boot?

- Against who?
- Against you.

Can you prove that you
didn't offer to save myjob

if l let you blow me?

Man... You are one twisted f*ck.

Nope.

l'm just an ordinary guy
with nothing to lose.

Yeah!

- Carolyn.
- Buddy.

l am so sorry to have kept you waiting.

Christy left for New York this morning.

Let's just say things were
a little hectic around the house.

What's she doing in New York?

She's moving there.
Yes. We are splitting up.

- Buddy, l'm so sorry.
- Yes.

According to her,
l'm too focused on my career.

As if being driven to succeed
is some sort of a character flaw.

She certainly did take advantage of
the lifestyle my success afforded her.

lt's for the best.

When l saw you two at the party the
other night, you seemed perfectly happy.

Call me crazy...

...but it is my philosophy
that in order to be successful,

one must project an image
of success at all times.

What are you doing?

l was filming this dead bird.

Why?

Because it's beautiful.

l think maybe you forgot
your medication today, mental-boy.

Hi, Jane.

Look, l want you to stop filming me.

OK.

Well, whatever. This is boring.

Let's go.

- Do you need a ride?
- Are you crazy?

l don't want to end up hacked to pieces
in a dumpster somewhere.

lt's OK. l'll walk. But thanks.

See? He doesn't want to go anyway.
Come on. Let's go.

Come on, Jane.

l think l'm gonna walk, too.

What? Jane, that's,
like, almost a mile!

God! l love it!

- You like getting nailed by the king?
- Yes, l love it!

f*ck me, Your Majesty!

- Who's the king?
- You are!

Who's the king?

American woman

Stay away from me

American woman

Mama let me be

Don't come hanging around my door

l don't wanna see your face no more

l got better things to do
Than spend my life growing old with you

Now woman

l said, "Stay away"

- Smile, you're at Mr. Smiley's.
- What?

Would you like to try
our new bacon and egg fajita,

just $1 .29 for a limited time only?

No, but thank you.

l'd like the Big Barn Burger,
Smiley Fries, and an orange soda.

Please drive up to the window.
Thank you.

Smile, you're at Mr. Smiley's.
That'll be $4.98, please.

- Would you like some Smiley Sauce?
- No, no.

Actually, l'd like
to fill out an application.

There's no jobs for manager.
lt's just for counter.

Good.

l'm looking for the least possible
amount of responsibility.

l don't think you'd fit in here.

l have fast-food experience.

Yeah, like 20 years ago!

l'm sure there have been amazing
technological advances in the industry,

but surely you must have
some sort of training program.

lt seems unfair to presume
l won't be able to learn.

That was exactly what l needed.

The royal treatment, so to speak.

l was so stressed out.

- Know what l do when l feel like that?
- What?

l fire a g*n.

Really?

Yeah, l go to this little
firing range downtown

and l just pop off a few rounds.

l've never fired a g*n before.

Well, you've got to try it.

Nothing makes you feel more powerful.

Well, almost nothing.

So, do you like your new house?

l like it.

The people who used to live there fed
stray cats, so they were always around,

and it drove my mother nuts.

And then she cut down their tree.

- ls that a funeral?
- Yeah.

Have you ever known
anybody who died?

No. Have you?

No.

But l did see this homeless woman
who froze to death once.

Just lying there on the sidewalk.
She looked really sad.

l got that homeless woman
on videotape.

Why would you film that?

Because it was amazing.

What's amazing about it?

When you see something like that

it's like God is looking right at you,
just for a second.

And if you're careful,
you can look right back.

And what do you see?

Beauty.

Mom? l want you to meet somebody.

- Mom?
- Yes.

l want you to meet somebody.
This is Jane.

- Hi.
- Oh, my.

l apologize for the way
things look around here.

This is where my dad hides out.

l take it he's got a thing for g*ns.

You got to see this one thing.

My dad would k*ll me
if he knew l was in here.

Did you steal his keys?

No. One of my clients is a locksmith.

He was short on cash one night,
so l let him pay me in trade.

Turn it over.

Oh, my God.

lt's, like, official state china
of the Third Reich.

There's a whole subculture of people
who collect this n*zi sh*t.

But my dad just has this one thing.

- What's wrong?
- Nothing.

- No, you're scared of me.
- No, l'm not.

You want to see the most beautiful thing
l've ever filmed?

lt was one of those days

where it's a minute away from snowing...

...and there's this electricity
in the air.

You can almost hear it.

Right?

And this bag was just...

...dancing with me.

Like a little kid,
begging me to play with it.

For 1 5 minutes.

That's the day l realized
that there was this...

...entire life behind things...

...and this incredibly benevolent force

that wanted me to know that
there was no reason to be afraid...

...ever.

Video's a poor excuse, l know.

But it helps me remember.

l need to remember.

Sometimes there is so much...

...beauty... in the world.

l feel like l can't take it.

And my heart...

...is just going to cave in.

Oh, my God. What time is it?

- Sorry l'm late.
- That's quite all right, dear.

Your father and l were just
discussing his day at work.

Why don't you tell our daughter
about it, honey?

Janie, today l quit myjob.
Then l told my boss to go f*ck himself

and blackmailed him for almost $60,000.
Pass the asparagus.

Your father seems to think this kind
of behavior is something to be proud of.

Your mother seems to prefer
l go through life like a prisoner

while she keeps my d*ck
in a jar under the sink.

How dare you speak to me
that way in front of her?

l marvel that you can be
so contemptuous of me

on the same day
that you lose your job!

l didn't lose it. lt's not like,
"Where'd myjob go?" l quit!

Someone pass the asparagus, please.

Thank you for putting me
under the added pressure

- of being the sole breadwinner now.
- l already have a job.

Don't give a second thought
as to who's gonna pay the mortgage.

We'll just leave it all to Carolyn!

"You're gonna take care of everything?"

"Yes, l don't mind."

"You mean everything? You don't mind
having the sole responsibility?

Your husband feels he
can quit his job..."

Will someone pass
the f*cking asparagus?

- l'm not gonna be a part of this.
- Sit down!

l am sick and tired of being treated
like l don't exist.

You two do whatever you want to do
whenever you want,

and l don't complain. All l want...

You don't complain?
Please! Excuse me, excuse me!

l must be psychotic!
lf you don't complain, what is this?

Yeah, let's bring in the laugh meter

and see how loud it gets on that one!
You don't...

Don't interrupt me, honey.

And another thing.

From now on, we're going
to alternate our dinner music

because, frankly,
and l don't think l'm alone here,

l am really tired
of this Lawrence Welk sh*t.

Go away!

Honey, please let me in.

l wish that you hadn't witnessed that
awful scene, but in a way, l'm glad.

Why? So l can see
what freaks you and Dad really are?

Me?

Oh, God.

Christ, Mom.

No, l'm glad because...

Because you're old enough now to learn
the most important lesson in life:

You cannot count on anyone
except yourself.

You know, it's sad but true.

And the sooner you learn it, the better.

Look, Mom, l really don't feel like
having a Kodak moment here, OK?

You ungrateful little brat!

Just look at everything you have!

When l was your age,
l lived in a duplex!

We didn't even have our own house.

You little b*stard!

- No, l just...
- How did you get in there?

How? How?

Come on, get up! Come on!

Get up!

Fight back, you little p*ssy!

No, sir, l won't fight you!

- How?! How did you get in there?
- l picked the lock, sir.

What were you looking for? Money?
Are you on dope again?

No, sir. l wanted to show
my girlfriend your n*zi plate.

- A girlfriend?
- Yes, sir. She lives next door.

Her name's Jane.

This is for your own good, boy.

You have no respect for other people's
things and for authority.

Yes, sir. l'm sorry.

Can't just go around doing
whatever you feel like!

- You can't! There are rules in life.
- Yes, sir.

You need structure, yeah.

- You need discipline!
- Discipline. Yes, sir.

Thank you for trying to teach me.
Don't give up on me, Dad.

Ricky...

You stay out of there!

l gotta say, when you first came here,
l thought you would be hopeless.

But you're a natural.

Well, all l know is,
l love sh**ting this g*n!

Don't tell me not to fly
l've simply got to

lf someone takes a spill
lt's me and not you

Don't bring around the cloud
to rain on my parade

l'm gonna march my band out

l'll beat my drum

And if l'm found out

Your turn at bat, sir

At least l didn't fake it
Hat, sir

So what? l didn't make it

Nobody

l said nobody

Nobody

Had better rain on

My parade

What?

Whose car is that out front?

Mine. 1 970 Pontiac Firebird,

the car l've always wanted,
and now l have it.

- l rule.
- Where's the Camry?

l traded it in.

Shouldn't you have consulted me first?

Let me think.

No. You never drove it.

Have you done something different?
You look great.

Where's Jane?

Jane not home.

We have...

...the whole house...

...to ourselves.

Christ, Carolyn.

When did you become so...

...joyless?

Joyless?

l am not joyless.

There happens to be a lot about me

that you don't know, Mr. Smarty Man.

There is plenty ofjoy in my life.

Whatever happened to that girl...

...who used to fake seizures
at frat parties when she got bored?

Who used to run up to the roof
of our first apartment building

to flash the traffic helicopters?

Have you totally forgotten about her?

Because l haven't.

Lester, you're gonna
spill beer on the couch.

So what? lt's just a couch.

This is a $4,000 sofa
upholstered in ltalian silk!

This is not just a couch!

lt's just a couch!

This isn't life!

This is just stuff.

And it's become more important to you
than living. Honey, that's just nuts.

l'm only trying to help you!

Don't.

Why?

lt's weird watching myself.
l don't like how l look.

Can't believe you don't know
how beautiful you are.

Look, l'm not gonna
sit here for that sh*t.

How does it feel now?

- Fine.
- You don't feel naked?

l am naked.

You know what l mean.

So tell me about being in the hospital.

When l was 1 5,
my dad caught me smoking dope.

He totally freaked and
decided to send me to military school.

l told you his thing
about structure and discipline, right?

Well, of course, l got kicked out.

Dad and l had this huge fight.

He hit me.

And the next day at school,
some kid made a crack about my haircut.

And l just snapped.

l wanted to k*ll him.

l would've k*lled him...

...if they hadn't pulled me off.

That's when my dad
put me in the hospital.

They drugged me up and
left me in there for two years.

You must really hate him.

He's not a bad man.

You'd better believe l'd hate my dad
if he did something like that to me.

Wait. l already do hate my dad.

Why?

He's a total as*h*le.

He's got this crush on my friend Angela,
and it's disgusting.

You'd rather he had the crush on you.

Gross. No.

But it'd be nice if l was anywhere near
as important to him as she is.

l know you think my dad's harmless,
but you're wrong.

He's doing massive
psychological damage to me.

How?

Well, now, l, too, need structure.

A little f*cking discipline.

l'm serious, though.

How could he not be damaging me?

l need a father who's a role model.

Not some horny geek-boy
who's gonna spray his shorts

whenever l bring a girlfriend
home from school.

What a lame-o.

Someone really should just
put him out of his misery.

Want me to k*ll him for you?

Yeah. Would you?

lt'll cost you.

l've been babysitting
since l was about ten.

l've got almost $3,000.

Course, l was saving it up
for a boob job.

But...

You know, that's not
a very nice thing to do.

Hiring someone to k*ll your dad.

l guess l'm not
a very nice girl, then, am l?

You know l'm not serious, right?

Of course.

You know how lucky we are
to have found each other?

Remember those posters that said:

"Today is the first day
of the rest of your life"?

Well, that's true
of every day except one:

The day you die.

Jane, hurry up.

l've got a very important appointment.

Mom, is it OK
if Angela sleeps over tonight?

Well, of course. She's always welcome.

l thought you two had a fight. l haven't
seen her around here in a while.

- What?
- l've been too embarrassed

to bring her over.

Because of you
and that way you behave.

What are you talking about?
l've barely even spoken to her.

You stare at her all the time!
Like you're drunk!

- lt's disgusting!
- Watch yourself, Jane,

or you're gonna turn into
a real b*tch, just like your mother!

f*ck.

You ready to go?

l don't need a ride.
l'm going in with Jane and her mom.

Oh, morning.

- Hey, Ricky. How's it going?
- Pretty decent, Mr. Burnham.

Hey, hey.

l need that Super Smiley
with cheese ASAP!

You need more than that,
my little hombre.

- Yeah. What's good here?
- Nothing!

Then l guess we'll
just have to be bad, won't we?

l'll have a Double Smiley sandwich,

- curly fries and a vanilla shake.
- Make that two!

That'll be $7.98. Please drive up
to the window. Thank you.

l think we deserve a little junk food
after the workout we had this morning.

- Did you know that?
- Thank you. l'm flattered.

Smile! You're at Mister Smiley's!

Would you like to try our new beef
and cheese pot pie on a stick?

Just $1 .99 for a limited time only?

We were just at a seminar.

- Buddy, this is my...
- Her husband.

We've met before,

but something tells me you're going
to remember me this time.

You are so busted.

This really doesn't concern you!

Actually, Janine is senior drive-thru
manager, so you kind of are on her turf.

So, this makes sense.

- Oh, Lester...
- Honey, it's OK.

l want you to be happy.

- Would you like Smiley sauce with that?
- Lester, just stop it!

No, no. You...

...don't get to tell me what to do...

l'm sorry.

l guess we should cool it for a while.

l'm facing a potentially
very expensive divorce.

No. l understand completely.

ln order to be successful,

one must project an image
of success at all times.

Stop it. Stop it.

sh*t.

l have to run next door.

Jane left her geometry book in my bag.
She needs it to do her homework.

You and psycho-boy are f*cking
on a regular basis now, right?

- No.
- Come on, you can tell me.

Does he have a big d*ck?

l'm not going to talk about his d*ck
with you, OK? lt's not like that.

Not like what? Doesn't he have one?

Why don't you want to talk about it?

l tell you every single detail
about every guy that l f*ck.

Yeah, and maybe you shouldn't,
all right?

Maybe l really don't want
to hear about all that.

So now that you have a boyfriend,
you're above it?

We got to get you a real man.

- You got any papers?
- Yeah.

ln the cigar box right over there.

Put up a fight, dude.
You are such a pushover.

"No, l can't, really, no. OK."

You should learn to roll a joint.

- Hi.
- Where's Mom?

- Don't know.
- Hi, Mr. Burnham.

- Hi.
- Wow. Look at you.

- Have you been working out?
- Some.

You can really tell.

Look at those arms.

You like muscles?

l should probably go see
what Jane's up to.

Where did you get that?

From myjob.

You don't lie to me.

Now, l saw you with him.

You were watching me?

What did he make you do?

Dad, you don't really think
me and Mr. Burnham...

Don't you laugh at me!

Now, l will not sit back and watch
my only son become a c*cksucker!

Jesus! What is it with you?

l swear to God l'll throw you out of
this house and never look at you again!

- You mean that.
- You're damn straight l do!

l'd rather you were dead
than be a f*cking f*gg*t!

You're right.

- l suck d*ck for money.
- Boy, don't start!

$2,000. l'm that good.

Get out!

And you should see me f*ck!

l'm the best piece of a*s
in three states!

Damn it, get out!
l don't ever want to see you again!

What a sad old man you are.

Get out.

Mom...

- l'm leaving.
- OK.

Wear a raincoat.

l wish things would have
been better for you.

Take care of Dad.

...disinvesting problems of power

and removing their ability
to make us afraid.

This is the secret
to "Me-Centered Living."

Only by taking full responsibility
for your actions and their solutions

will you ever break free from
the constant cycle of victimhood.

You are only a victim if you choose
to be a victim. We all have the power...

l don't think we can be friends anymore.
You're way too uptight about sex.

Just don't f*ck my dad, all right?

- Please?
- Why not?

- Dad, leave us alone!
- lt's me.

lf l had to leave tonight,
would you come with me?

- What?
- lf l had to go to New York to live,

tonight, would you come with me?

- Yes.
- You guys can't be serious!

You're just a kid,
and he's, like, a mental case.

You'll end up living in a box
on the street.

l'm no more a kid than you are!
We can use my plastic surgery money.

We won't have to.
l have over $40,000.

l know people in the city
that can help us.

- What, other drug dealers?
- Yes.

Jane, you'd be out of your mind
to go with him.

- Why do you even care?
- Because you're my friend!

She's not your friend. She's someone
you use to feel better about yourself.

- Go f*ck yourself, psycho!
- Shut up, b*tch!

- Jane! He's a freak!
- Well, then so am l!

And we'll always be freaks,
and we'll never be like other people.

And you'll never be a freak
'cause you're just too perfect!

Yeah, well, at least l'm not ugly.

Yes, you are.

And you're boring.
And you're totally ordinary.

And you know it.

You two deserve each other.

Jesus, man, you're soaked!

You want me to get Ricky?
He's in Jane's room.

Are you OK?

Where's your wife?

l don't know.

Probably out f*cking that dorky
prince-of-real-estate as*h*le.

And you know what?

l don't care.

Your wife is with another man
and you don't care?

Nope.

Our marriage is just for show.

A commercial for how normal we are

when we're anything but.

Jesus, man, you are shaking.

We really ought to get you
out of these clothes.

Yeah.

lt's OK.

l am...

You just tell me what you need.

lt's OK.

l'm sorry.

You got the wrong idea.

"l refuse to be a victim."

When this becomes your mantra,
constantly reinforcing your...

l refuse to be a victim!

l hope you don't mind
if l play the stereo.

Not at all.

Bad night?

Not really bad. Just...

...strange.

Believe me, it couldn't possibly
be any stranger than mine.

Jane and l had a fight.

lt was about you.

She's mad at me because...

...l said l think you're sexy.

- Do you want a sip?
- Sure.

So...

...are you going to tell me?

What do you want?

l don't know.

You...

...don't know.

What do you want?

Are you kidding?

l want you.

l've wanted you
since the first moment l saw you.

You are the most beautiful thing
l have ever seen.

You don't think l'm ordinary?

You couldn't be ordinary if you tried.

Thank you.

l don't think there's anything worse
than being ordinary.

l refuse to be a victim.
l refuse to be a victim.

l refuse to be a victim.

Lester... l have something
l have to say to you.

Are you scared?

l don't get scared.

My parents will try to find me.

Mine won't.

This is my first time.

You're kidding.

l'm sorry.

l still want to do it.

l just...

...thought l should tell you,
in case you wondered why l wasn't...

...better.

What's wrong?

l thought you said l was beautiful.

You are beautiful.

You are so...

...beautiful.

And l would be a very...

...lucky man.

l feel so stupid.

Don't.

l'm sorry.

You have nothing to be sorry about.

lt's OK.

Everything's OK.

Wow. l was starving.

- Do you want me to make another one?
- No, l'm fine.

You sure?

l'm still a little weirded out,
but l feel better.

Thanks.

How's Jane?

What do you mean?

l mean...

...how's her life?

ls she happy?

ls she miserable?

l'd really like to know, and she'd die
before she'd ever tell me about it.

She's... she is really happy.

She thinks she's in love.

Good for her.

How are you?

lt's been a long time
since anybody asked me that.

l'm great.

l've got to go to the bathroom.

l'm great.

Man, oh, man.

Man, oh, man, oh, man.

Oh, my God!

l had always heard your entire life
flashes in front of your eyes

the second before you die.

First of all...

...that one second
isn't a second at all.

lt stretches on forever,
like an ocean of time.

For me, it was lying on my back
at Boy Scout camp

watching falling stars.

And yellow leaves from the
maple trees that lined our street.

Or my grandmother's hands and the way
her skin seemed like paper.

And the first time
l saw my cousin Tony's

brand-new Firebird.

And Janie.

And Carolyn.

l guess l could be pretty pissed off
about what happened to me,

but it's hard to stay mad when
there's so much beauty in the world.

Sometimes l feel like l'm seeing it
all at once, and it's too much.

My heart fills up like a balloon
that's about to burst.

And then l remember to relax

and stop trying to hold on to it.

And then it flows
through me like rain

and l can't feel anything but gratitude

for every single moment
of my stupid little life.

You have no idea
what l'm talking about, l'm sure.

But don't worry.

You will someday.