01x02 - Bury My Half at Waltham Green

[bunniefuu]

I could be so good for you

Love you like you want me to

I could be so good for you

Love you like you want me to

Thank you.

Come on, kid.

Ah.

Hey.

I pay you for protection, right?

- Yeah, that's right.

- And you're pretty good they tell me.

Yeah, I do my best.

No, listen, you must be some damn

near genius.

I mean, I'm gonna be sitting in

there in the sauna

and you're gonna give me 100%

protection

sitting out there with the dames?

That's fantastic.

Well, I-I just thought

I'm not paying you to think, kid.

In the old days, they knock you off

in the barber shop.

Today it's the sauna.

Come on.

Hello, Arthur.

Everything fixed?

All set.

OK,

let's take it one more time.

You lob the rope over the back wall

at exactly five past three. Got that?

And for gawd's sake,

have mattresses handy.

It's a long way to jump from the

top.

On the other hand, seeing as I'm out

of here legit next week,

better not bother.

(CHUCKLES)

Who's minding me, Arthur?

Nice bloke, friend of mine.

You'll get on.

He may be nice, Arthur,

but is he good?

Charlie Mellors isn't noted for his

sense of humour.

- His idea of fun is stamping on spiders.

- One of the best.

He'd better be.

I'm too young for concrete wellies.

- Who is it?

- His name is Terry.

Strong as an ox.

And almost as handsome.

I think I'm gonna faint.

Don't worry, kid.

Cleanliness,

that's next to godliness.

So's death.

Oh, my gawd.

(KNOCKING)

Come in.

(KNOCKING)

It's open.

(HARDER KNOCKING)

Gordon Bennet!

Are you deaf or what?

What?

Hey, what's all this?

Arthur, if you value your front

teeth, I'd talk about something else.

From Senor Gambeti

with love and grazies.

Gonna recommend you to his friends.

You'll be minding Sophia Loren.

Listen,

when you fixed me up with this manic

eye-tie

did you know that he was a sauna and

massage freak?

- Get on?

- Yeah.

For the last seven days I've been

sweating cods in a steam oven

while a woman

was trying to strangle me.

Woman? Ha! She'd make King Kong

look like Shirley Temple.

Own up, did you know this?

- Yes or no?

- I did not know this, Terry.

I swear I didn't.

On my sainted mother's grave.

Now, normally this would be OK for

me, Arthur, but I happen to know

that your old mum is alive and well

and living in Frinton.

Never mind that, I've got something

else for you, right up your street.

You need hardly get out of bed.

Good.

Great.

Who is it?

Chris Bonnington?

Cushy isn't in it.

Pull the other one,

it plays Hey Jude.

His name's Stubbs. Albert Stubbs.

He's just finished a four-stretch

for bank robbery.

You're not listening to me, are you?

His oppo's got 15 years apiece.

All Stubbs did was drive the car

and wash the loot.

And here we come to what they call

the nub, Terry, bury it.

All 50 grand.

What we got here is a failure to

communicate.

When he comes out, his problem is

people will want to know where he's

put it.

- Huh.

- Ain't you gonna ask me who?

I've got to give it to you, Arthur,

you are a tryer.

One of the g*ng was Charlie Mellors.

Remember what the papers called him?

Yeah.

The Dillinger of Dagenham.

He's not the problem.

It's his wife Rose.

She's been asking Charlie for years

where it's hid, but his lips are

sealed.

Marriage vows are not what they used

to be.

I thought you said something

about "cushy"?

You mind Stubbs for one night,

maybe two,

just give him time to arrange

some corner of a foreign field

that is forever Mersey.

Bring him back here, lock the door.

It's Crown Court

and Jackanory all the way.

Straight up,

you'll never earn bread more easily.

Yeah, but it's well bent, innit?

Well bent? You know I'd never touch

anything that was even a bit bent.

What are we doing? We are protecting

a man

who has paid his debt to society

from the unscrupulous clutches of

others. Tell me we aren't?

I don't like it. I've heard about

that Rose Mellors. She's bad news.

Oh, forget her.

Time she finds out,

he'll be long gone.

She doesn't even know he's coming

out. Nobody does. Except us.

A couple more like this over there.

OK.

Rose!

Oi, Rose!

Rose.

Here, Rose.

- What is it, Jack?

- Guess what?

You joined the Bolshoi Ballet?

You what?

- What do I have to guess?

- Stubbs is coming out.

- You sure?

- Tomorrow.

Here, I'll have that.

Sorry.

Who's that?

(BELLS CHIME)

There he is.

(SHOUTS)

The hills are alive

With the sound of music

Oi. You Stubbs?

- Yeah.

- Cut the bleeding cabaret and get in.

Come on, Jack, we're gonna lose him.

Watch it!

Get a move on, Jack.

Shut up, I'm doing my best, didn't I?

Look, you're losing them. Move it.

You Terry?

I hope so, pal, for your sake.

Nice one, Terry.

Easiest bread you'll ever earn, he

said.

No-one else knows he's coming out.

(LAUGHS)

Tasty.

- Yeah, well, it's home.

- Here, Tom.

- Terry.

- Got any booze?

Booze? It's quarter past nine

in the morning.

Not in Hawaii.

What about a cup of tea?

Listen, nearest thing I've had to a

drink in the last four years

is half a pint of aftershave

the Christmas before last.

Yeah, hold on.

Oh. Not exactly

the Ritz c*ck bar, is it?

No, not exactly.

Here, Tom.

- Terry.

- You er

got any numbers?

- Numbers?

- Yeah, you know.

Nudge, nudge, wink, wink.

Say no more.

- What are you on about?

- Oh, blimey o'riley, lad.

Numbers. You know, to ring.

"Swedish masseuse. Correction and

poetry reading a speciality."

Pimping comes extra.

Stick it on the bill.

Four years, sunshine.

(OPENS CAN)

Now, listen, pal,

it's time we had a little chat.

- Pubs still open at 11 o'clock?

- Listen! And listen good.

While you're here, there'll be no

pubs, no nookie, no nothing!

Oh, stroll on, Tommy.

You're getting closer.

It's Terry.

Come on, say it after me,

Terry.

Terry.

Better.

- Why "no nothing"?

- Security.

Oh, triffic.

I get lumbered with Carruthers, MI5.

No.

I'm just the silly sod

who agreed to mind you.

And for some daft reason

I take my job seriously.

So while you're here, which I hope is

for a very short time,

you will stay inside

and there will be no visitors.

- Got that?

- I might as well have stayed in prison.

- But you didn't, did you?

- Four years is a long time.

Eternity is longer, sunbeam.

And that's where you'll end up

if Charlie Mellors' old woman

gets her hands on you.

Rose and me,

we used to be like that.

Oh, yeah? Who was on top?

Listen, that was her this morning

sure as g*ns are iron

and she'll try again.

Don't that worry you?

Quite right, sport.

I'm in your hands.

Whatever you want.

Er Arthur said you're fixing up

somewhere abroad.

As soon as I dig up the lettuce,

yeah.

I don't want to know about that, OK?

I am strictly a minder. As far as I'm

concerned, I'm just here

to see that you don't cut yourself

while you're shaving.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

- 'Terry.'

- Hello, Arthur.

'Did everything go all right?'

Yeah, he's here.

- Just one thing.

- 'What?'

Rose Mellors was there.

No!

Yes, with some muscle. And the

Dagenham Girl Pipers for all I know.

Look, what did you do?

Put an ad in the Daily Mirror?

But you got Stubbs away all right?

- Yeah, he's here.

- 'Good boy.'

(SINGS TO HIMSELF)

- Arthur.

- 'Yeah.'

Has he got all his marbles?

Albert? Sure. Why?

Well, he don't seem too concerned

and people in his situation who ain't

worried, well, they worry me.

He's probably still

a bit stir crazy.

All that freedom has gone to his

head.

He's asking me for a bit of

"How's your father?"

Prison does that to a bloke, Terry.

Don't take offence.

- No! Girls!

- 'Oh.'

- He wants a lady.

- Well, I don't suppose it will k*ll him.

Well, no, but

Carry on the good work. Must go now.

Bye-bye. Hold on. Arthur. Listen

There we are, dear. That's £1.50.

It's a lovely rose, that. Peace.

If that don't bring your fella back,

he's not worth it.

Well, then, Jack, who was it?

Who's got him?

It wasn't Packer's mob. They didn't

even know he was coming out.

- Then, who was it?

- Could have been the law.

I don't think so.

Look, spread the news round the

street,

there's a century for who finds him.

Here, could have been a bent copper.

Maybe one who'd done

a bit of a dodgy deal.

Just spread the word, Jack.

I'll do the rest.

Oi.

Stubbsy?

Stubbs.

Oh, no.

To Charlie Mellors

and Bernie Packer!

Two of the finest blokes

it's been my privilege to know.

Come, landlord,

fill the flowing bowl.

A glass of your excellent ale.

A pint of best?

52, governor.

52? I suspect you made an unwitting

error there, landlord. 32, perhaps.

Where've you been lately, squire?

- Where the average wage was 50p a week.

- Oh, it's like that, is it?

Yes. If I'd known what was happening

to the nation in my absence,

I'd have stayed inside.

52 pence for a pint of bitter?

- It's daylight robbery.

- You'd know more about that than me.

My aching ribs. Tres amusante.

Charlie would appreciate that one.

So you knew Charlie Mellors

and Bernie Parker, eh?

- Yeah.

- The Dillinger of Dagenham.

Oh, how one comes to despise

the gutter press.

Cheerio.

You worked with him, then?

Only steal with the best,

that's my motto.

Oi! What's your game?

Landlord, allow me to introduce

my associate.

- Hi, Terry. Who's your friend?

- You may well ask.

Come on, on your toes, we're going.

So now the end is near

And as I reach the final curtain

- You've got a right idiot there, son.

- You can say that again.

- He's been telling me he's a hard man.

- Between the ears.

Come on, we're going.

(TV ON)

(g*nf*re ON TV)

(TV OFF)

- What's up?

- Go back to sleep, it's safer.

But get your shoes off the bed.

I was dreaming. I was back inside.

It was Tuesday.

Best day of the week.

Cauliflower cheese for dinner.

Yeah, it's one goodie after another

in the nick, innit?

You done the nick? Time?

Listen, what did you tell Micky?

- Who?

- Micky, down the boozer.

- Oh, nothing.

- You do that again, son,

and I'm gonna give you a slap.

Do you understand?

Yeah, yeah. Sorry.

- It's been a long time.

- So you keep saying.

(ROCK MUSIC ON RADIO)

'Right then, back to the

competition.

If you know the answer, give us a

ring right now

on 246-80-71.

The first correct answer wins a

t-shirt and a car sticker.

I'll just repeat the question.

What famous picture finishes with

the lines,

"Mother of mercy,

is this the end of Rico?"

Let's hear from you now

on 246-80-71.

Easy. Little Caesar.

Help yourself.

Oh, ta.

'Well, well, well. We have a movie

expert with us today.

The winning answer came through in

15 seconds, would you believe.

And here is the lucky fella.

Hello, who's this?

- 'Hello?'

- 'Your name, sir?'

'Albert. Albert Stubbs.'

'All right, Albert,

what film ended with the line,

"Mother of mercy,

is this the end of Rico?"

'Little Caesar.

Starring Edward G Robinson.

Made in 1931.

Directed by Mervyn LeRoy.

'Fantastic. You must be

in the film business, Albert.'

'No, nothing like that. Last four

years I've been in the nick.

- Just got out today.'

- That's you!

'Well, well, well, it's your lucky

day and no mistake. Tell me

where you live and we'll send you

the t-shirt and car sticker.'

'Flat 4, 14 Lanford Road

You are out of your bleeding tree.

No, I'm not, I was always good on

films. Come on.

- What's your bloody lark?

- What do you mean?

I know. It's one of Arthur's little

jokes, innit? I'm on Candid Camera.

No, it's nothing like that.

I just didn't think, that's all.

Sorry, old son, honest.

It's just, being out and all,

I can't handle it yet,

not for a bit, know what I mean?

What are you doing?

Thanks to your competitive spirit,

we've got to get out of here.

- Oh, yeah, reckon.

- ARTHUR: 'This is a recorded'

There must be thousands of other

Stubbs's around.

Oh, yeah,

they've all done four years.

They all came out today

and they're all nutters.

And I'm looking after every sodding

one of them.

- WOMAN: 'Hello.'

- Hello. Is Arthur there, please?

- Daley. Arthur Daley.

- I'm afraid he's out at the moment.'

Well, if he comes in, could you ask

him to phone Terry, please?

It's urgent. Yeah, he'll know who.

Ta-ta.

'Bye.'

All that cauliflower cheese has

scrambled your brain.

So, um

- we're not moving, then?

- No.

I think we should.

Oh, and where shall we go, maestro?

Fort Knox?

Oi!

Don't you want to see whether you

made the news?

(RADIO ON)

(PHONE RINGS)

Yes.

Yes, thank you, we heard it, too.

So did everyone else.

Thanks for calling.

What?

The reward! God.

They only want 100 just for

listening to the radio.

Jack, you look like Desperate Dan

with a hernia.

Go and serve.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Yes. Yes, we heard it as well,

thanks.

Yeah

No. Don't bother.

We'll call you.

Up yours, too, darling.

(MUTTERS)

It's all right, Jack,

I'll serve the lady.

I've got a job for you.

Come on, quick.

(TV ON)

Sit down.

I'm only changing the channel.

(g*nf*re ON TV)

(WOOD SPLINTERING)

Ha-ha, now, that's not fair.

- I want him.

- No, no, you don't.

- Yes, I do.

- I'm sorry, pal, you can't have him.

Out of my way, Doris.

Now, you know the rules.

I'm minding him.

Now, if I was to let you have him,

well, my reputation would be shot.

I wouldn't get a job anywhere

would I?

You know that, don't you?

Look, I can explain.

Sod this for a game of soldiers.

- Oi! Where do you think you're going?

- Leave off, I've had enough.

You've had enough? Listen

- Do you want some and all?

- No.

- I can explain everything.

- Yeah, yeah.

Here you are.

Would you go through to the

conservatory, please, gentlemen?

Old sailors.

What are you trying to do, ruin me?

Here you are.

- Here I am, what?

- You what?

Who's your girlfriend?

Leave off, Rose, it's Stubbs, innit?

Oh, Jack.

Look I can explain everything.

In other words, this ain't Stubbs?

Not in other words, Jack.

Those are the words.

Who's this, then?

Martin Bormann, for all I care.

Beating me up won't help.

- You want money on it?

- No, wait a minute.

Put him down a sec.

Right, then, love,

what's your real name?

George.

- George Wilson.

- Ah.

All right, then, George,

calm down.

Now, then,

why don't you tell me

why you've been going around

calling yourself Albert Stubbs?

Huh?

You'll wear that watch out, Albert.

- Can't we get started?

- It's still daylight.

It won't be when we get there.

Look, you waited four years.

Another four hours isn't gonna hurt.

Take your coat off.

There's another one in the fridge.

(PHONE RINGS)

'This is a recording.

Mr Arthur Daley is out at present.'

You can't wait to get back inside,

can you, Albert?

I've done my bird. They can't do you

twice for the same job.

The moment you touch that money

you're handling stolen property.

You should have got a job

in the library, my son.

Boned up on the law.

I knew a fella once,

did a wages snatch.

Found a nice quiet field,

shoved the take in a deep hole

just before he was nabbed,

just like you.

- Came back five years later to dig it up.

- And?

- Got done for obstruction.

- What?

Where he buried it, it was now under

the fast lane of the M4.

I really need to hear that.

- There's another fella I knew

- As a conversationalist, Arthur

- you leave a lot to be desired.

- Just trying to pass the time.

- How's your mucker doing?

- Don't worry about Terry. He knows his job.

(DOORBELL)

(DOORBELL)

- What's this?

- I've been looking everywhere for you.

- Why is your blower on answer phone?

- What are you doing here?

What do you want first, Arthur?

The bad news or the really bad news?

- What's happened?

- Well, open the door!

It's Stubbs.

- What's happened?

- I've lost him.

Lost him? Where?

Arthur, the man is mad.

He's a pedigree basket case.

He only got his name and address

announced on the bleeding radio.

- Who's this?

- Ah.

Um

Albert.

Albert Stubbs.

Look, I'm sorry,

I'm not quite with you, mate.

The the real one.

- The real one?

- Yeah.

Well, who's the geezer

I've been minding?

- Ah, well

- Well?

Come on, who's that clown who's

been sending me round the twist?

- Decoy.

- Decoy?

Oh, this is interesting.

This is very interesting!

Albert here knew there'd be some

people waiting for him

when he came out, so he did a deal

with another bloke

who looked a bit similar

who's coming out on the same day.

So he could sort of draw their fire

so to speak.

And where, so to speak,

do you fit in?

- Co-ordinator, that's all.

- Where's Wilson?

- Who's Wilson?

- George Wilson.

Your man. One of the best

conmen in the business.

Arthur,

I should smack you.

Now, you've got no right

to use me like this.

I suppose it never occurred to you

to let me in on it?

No, no, Listen son. I'm sorry, but I was

following the need-to-know principle.

The what?

The less you know,

the less you can tell.

It's all the rage in MI5.

I see.

Well, OK.

Working on your principle, all you

need to know is that half an hour ago

Rose Mellor's minder hit me

on the back of the head

and snatched your George

bleeding what's-name?

Who probably by now is on his way to

the great con game in the sky.

Telling them where you bloody live.

No, no, George wouldn't do that.

Are you kidding?

Have you seen her minder?

He'd make Harpo Marx talk.

No, George wouldn't do that. He

can't. He don't know where I live.

They know your name.

You're in the book.

- Ex directory.

- What, you?

Yeah. Kept getting all these

obscene phone calls from women.

Get the car. We're off.

Hold on. Nobody is going anywhere.

- What did you say?

- Look,

you set me up minding a geezer

and I lost him.

Now, I daresay to one of the world's

great co-ordinators,

this don't mean a lot.

Or of course

to the bird man of Alcatraz.

But to me, it does.

You see, Arthur, I don't like being

made a fool of.

Secondly,

I hate being bopped on the head.

And thirdly,

I don't like losing clients.

So, until he comes back,

we're not going anywhere, OK?

You're gonna stop us, are you?

How do you feel about cauliflower

cheese

every Tuesday for another ten years?

Right,

so until I find George,

I'm gonna phone you every half hour.

And if I get a recorded message

or no answer,

the next number I dial is 999.

- Oh, dear.

- Is that all you can say? "Oh, dear?"

I should have told him.

He is awfully pissed off.

I'm surrounded by morons.

Oh.

I bet you're Terry.

No, I'm just the window cleaner.

I'm Mrs Mellors.

You can call me Rose.

You've got something of mine, Rose.

George is all right, don't worry.

He and Jack are having a chat

back at my place.

That wasn't very nice, was it?

I'll pay for it.

Thank you.

Just as soon

as I collect what I'm due.

I was just gonna put the kettle on.

You take the weight off your feet.

You've had a busy day.

How's your head?

Wonderful.

Listen, why don't you just halve it

with Stubbs?

Do you think

I'm after copping the lot?

Aren't you?

Do I look like a dishonest person,

Terry?

Well, do I?

No, Rose.

You look incredibly honest.

I bring my children up

to share and share alike.

That's all I ever wanted.

So, what's the problem?

Charlie, my husband.

Well?

When he finds out

Albert has carved up

the money with me, he'll go spare.

Albert knows that.

He wouldn't be safe in Guatemala.

Oh.

He thinks I'll spend it all before

he and Bernie Packer get out.

- No?

- Yeah.

Why don't you just put it

in a building society?

That's what I told him.

Invest it, I said.

Keep ahead of inflation.

But he never was much of an

investing fellow, Charlie.

So you see the score.

Yeah, yeah.

You're very good-looking,

aren't you?

Still, I suppose you know that.

Well, a man has got to believe in

something, hasn't he?

What do you know about flowers?

They're plastic

and they come in vases.

Oh, quite a little Percy Thrower,

aren't you?

What about flowers?

Well, I run this gardening centre.

It's a nice place.

I need someone

to help me manage it.

It's good money.

It's tempting?

How's business?

Blooming.

(PHONE RINGS)

- 'Hello, Arthur.'

- Yes, Terry, it's me.

We're still here. How's it going?

Hello?

(LINE DEAD)

- This bloke of yours

- Terry?

- What's he like?

- Salt of the earth.

You know what I mean,

can you trust him?

To do what?

He could turn me in to Rose Mellor

just for the hell of it.

She's got quite a persuasive manner

when she wants.

Nah, he wouldn't do that.

Nah, not Terry.

Now, then, love.

Where's this Arthur Daley live?

You give me George

and I'll tell you.

Deal.

(PHONE RINGS)

Hey, Terry, how long are you gonna

keep this up? A joke's a joke.

Arthur, look, just shut up and

listen for a while.

(SHOWER RUNNING)

Is that somebody at the shop?

Nah, it's no-one.

Um.

How did you do that?

Oh, it's just a fluke. It's your go.

You, on your toes.

It's all right, Jack,

it's all right.

You've got to go to Arthur's. He's

got your money. Here's the address.

Go round there immediately.

Take my car, it's just outside.

Park outside Arthur's house and put

the keys in the exhaust pipe.

Go on, sling your hook.

Are just gonna let him go like that?

Now, you've got to be very quiet.

You what?

I'm very angry with you.

You broke down my door.

You hit me when I wasn't looking.

One of these days,

you'll go over the top and I'll have

to teach you a lesson.

I told you, love,

I'll pay for the damage.

Rose, he's barmy.

- Huh.

- Look, no more messing about.

- I kept my side of the bargain.

- Yeah, that's true.

What about yours?

Where's Albert?

Are you gonna believe him, Rose?

I always believe

what fellas tell me.

When I first met Charlie, he told me

he was working in banking.

Well, he was right after a fashion.

Rose,

I'm not gonna tell you

where Arthur lives.

- What?

- I'm gonna take you there.

That way, Tarzan, if I don't deliver,

we can have some fun.

- All right?

- Ah.

Around and around

the bleeding houses.

Well, it's not far now.

You said that half an hour ago.

Here?

Here, here.

First left.

And then first right.

First left.

That's this hand.

You watch it.

Look, Fittipaldi, why don't you just

watch the road and drive?

You wouldn't be having me on,

would you, Terry?

- Where now?

- There, right.

Cause this could be the end

of a beautiful friendship.

We'll still have Paris, sweethart.

That's it, just up here on the left.

Thank you, James,

this will do nicely.

What floor is he on?

It's Hold on.

There they are. That's Arthur.

- And that's Albert.

- Are you sure this time?

Yeah, that's him, no mistake.

Where are they off to?

I'll give you two guesses.

I tell you what, Rose,

if you were to follow them,

I think all your troubles

would be over.

Come on, Jack.

Be careful.

- All right, lads?

- Sweet as a nut.

Cheers.

All right, Stubbsy, come on,

the bogeyman has gone.

Arthur said this was your idea.

Yep, that's right. I tell you what,

my decoy is better than yours.

I'm charging danger money for this,

Arthur.

Well, then, overtime at least.

Keep trying, George.

Where are we going?

Let's call it a mystery tour.

- Where are we?

- Waltham Green is down the road.

Tell you what, I wouldn't have been

surprised if there wasn't

a bleeding great housing estate here.

You and your mate have got a

marvellous sense of humour. Come on.

I knew a bloke once,

came back to dig up some money.

Yeah, and it was under the M4.

No, no, nothing like that. He dug it

up all right, what was left of it.

- What do you mean?

- Mice.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah.

It's in the Guinness Book of Records.

Most expensive mice nest

in the world.

Lined with 40,000 quid.

Come on.

It's got to be it.

Away you go, then.

We'll take it in turns, yeah?

No way. I stuck my neck out

enough for you.

Anyway, you need the exercise.

They're gonna clock something is

wrong soon. They've got to.

We're halfway to bleeding Luton!

Just keep him in sight, Jack.

(THUNK)

Wa-hay! Payday!

Why don't you send up a flare

so everyone will know we're here.

Come on, give us a hand.

We'll open it at your place.

- Oh, yeah?

- Come on! Grab hold!

I suppose you'll put Charlie Mellors'

and Bernie Packer's share back later?

I'll look after it for them.

I bet you will.

Rather you than me, mate.

Cor, it's big enough. Hold on.

There's 50 grand in there.

I heard it was 60.

The bloke who washed it

took ten in commission.

Ten grand? Gordon Bennet, talking

about robbers robbing the robbers.

I had no choice, had I? The money

we nicked was in brand-new tens.

He changed it into used oncers.

That's why I needed a big box.

Have you ever seen 50,000 quid

in one-pound notes?

No, not recently.

Come on.

Come on! Come on!

(SQUEAKS)

Ain't it lovely?

It'll be even lovelier

when it's out of here.

How am I gonna shift it?

You need a sack.

Leave off, I'll look like

bleeding Santa Claus.

Well, that, as they say, pal,

is your problem.

But it leaves here fast.

Right now, in fact.

But what am I gonna carry it in?

We'll give you a hand, Albert.

I've got to get that door mended.

Anyone can walk in here.

Oh, Terry, I should have your luck.

- How's that?

- Well, you being here and all.

With the money.

Fantastic. And there was Jack

when he found out you put us

on a wild goose chase,

saying how he was gonna

reach down your throat,

grab hold of your knees

and turn you inside out.

I had to close my ears.

Yeah, well, he's always had a vivid

imagination, young Jack, hasn't he?

Yeah. Still, as we're all here

with the money,

we'll forget all about it.

You know I'm a dead man, Rose.

Charlie will k*ll me over this.

The weather is nice in Brazil

this time of year, Albert.

Give Ronnie Biggs a ring.

You can doss down on his veranda.

Have you got any

old grocery bags, dear?

Something to put this lot in?

Halves is it, then, Rose?

You're getting close, Albert.

You're warm.

- Thirds?

- I'll take Charlie's share.

And I'll put Bernie's

in the Woolwich.

Be a nice little nest egg

when he comes out.

Charlie's not gonna like this.

He's gonna be mad as hell.

He'll have someone have

a go at you, Rosie.

No, he won't. Not when I tell him.

- Tell him what?

- That you copped the lot, of course.

Oh, Rosie.

You wouldn't tell him that.

Terry, what's all this?

Well, well, Old Home Week.

Well, I'll say goodbye, everybody.

Oh, anybody want any flowers

or plants,

I give 50% off for friends.

It's all right, Jack,

I'll take that one.

Rose, er

- what about me?

- Oh.

Terry,

I want you to know that what

happened this afternoon between us

was the loveliest, most wonderful

experience in my life.

And I'll never forget you.

I meant the door.

Oh.

You didn't?

Terry.

Two bottles of vintage shampoo.

- Stroll on, that was sparkling Nigerian.

- Vintage shampoo.

Transport. A lot of transport.

Petrol. Lunch. Havana cigars.

What, with you, Rose Mellors and

inflation, it was hardly worth it.

And groceries.

Petrol.

Four cans of Guinness, the big ones.

Half a dozen phone calls.

And a pot of tea.

And one shovel.

Ta-ta, Albert. Look after yourself

and be very careful.

There are a lot of very shady

customers about.

By the time I've paid George,

I'll be out of pocket on this one.

And bought a few pints.

Come on, they're open.

I don't know

why I bother to help people.

There's no appreciation.

No, it's like the man said, innit?

You can't win 'em all.

That's a bit of wisdom,

that is, Arthur.

Arthur. It's still your round.

- Gentlemen.

- Micky.

This may amaze you,

but Mr Daley is gonna buy a drink.

So we want two pints of best,

two whisky chasers

A cigar, sir?

One large vodka and slimline,

one lager, finito.

You've got the longest pockets

and shortest arms I've ever seen.

How's your other mate?

Mate? Leave it out.

What was that all about, then?

Do I ask you when

you're watering the beer?

Thanks.

Well, Mr D, to crime.

Cut that out.

Just a minute. Not these ones.

- What?

- These. They're no good.

- Hey?

- What's the matter with them?

- What do you mean "no good"?

- Those are the old ones.

- So?

- You wouldn't have noticed, Mr Rockefeller,

dealing only in 20's,

but we changed over oncers in 1978.

These aren't legal tender any more.

- Since when?

- Since June 1st.

- Why not?

- They were all pulled in, weren't they?

What am I gonna do with all these?

Strewth, have you found Captain

Morgan's treasure or something?

Are you trying to tell me

we can't spend it.

What you do is,

you step down the Bank of England,

you fill in a form

and they'll change them for you,

if you're lucky.

Oh, dear.

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

I'm bloody glad you can see the

funny side of it.

No, it's quite simple, Arthur.

All you've got to do

is step over to the Bank of England,

fill in a few forms and

they'll give you the money for it.

I don't know where you got all this

lot anyway.

I haven't seen one for ages.

What's the matter, Terry?

I'll tell you what.

Here, for charity

Arthur.

You can go and fill in a few forms.

And you can go to the Bank of

England.

I don't even know where it is.

I think I'd like to go home now.

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