02x02 - Whose Wife Is It Anyway?

[bunniefuu]

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to ♪

One half of lager.

Ah, cheers.

To you, as a personal favour,
at cost.

Shock-proof, waterproof, VAT-proof.

- Have you got proof of that?
- Watch him, Dave.

- Do you do 'em on the tick, Arthur?
- What is this, a double-act?

It's a wind-up!

How much?

To you, 50 sovs.
And I'm the loser.

Look at the maker's name.
Do you know how cheap this model is?

- Where did you get it?
- Bankrupt stock.

- At that price, it's a steal.
- That's what worries me.

Oh, Dave, you hurt me
when you talk like that.

Come here, come here, look.

Now tell me if that is not
the business.

Go on, tell the man, Terry.

Tell him what a piece of quality
like that does for the image.

- Well, I...
- You are in the public service game.

Punter sees a bit of class like that
on your wrist,

he knows he's dealing with
a man of taste.

- What do you think, Tel?
- Well, it's a nice...

He knows more about brain surgery
than quality timepieces!

Look. I tell you what, 40 sovs,
and I'm really suffering.

- 40 quid, eh?
- And we forget my drinks tab for today.

OK. You got a deal.

Large vodka, please, Dave.
And Terry'll have the same.

Cheeky.

Ooh, I do like doing
a bit of business, Terry.

You haven't striped him, have you?

- He's a mate.
- Leave off! I've done him a favour!

- Favour? You?
- It's for you.

- Hammersmith Hospital.
- Hammersmith Hospital?

- Some nurse - got a message for you.
- Ooh!

- Hello?
- 'Is that Mr Daley?'

Yes, this is Mr Arthur Daley.

Hey, got a minute?

- 'Mr Brompton. Mr Alex Brompton.'
- Who? Oh, oh, Alex, yeah.

- What's the matter with him?
- 'He's had an accident.'

Oh. Well...

'He needs you
on important business.'

- Important business?
- 'Can you see him?'

- Yeah, all right. When?
- 'Some time today.'

Sister, he's um...

he's not terminal, is he,
or unsightly?

- I got this weak stomach, see.
- 'No, he's quite comfortable.'

Oh, that's lovely. Fine.

- Right. Bye, Sister.
- 'Thank you.'

What's all that about?

A mate of mine's been in
a car accident, wants to see me.

Gawd, I hate hospitals.

All them salty drips,
tubes up the hooter.

Ooh, makes you feel sort of mortal.
You know what I mean?

You wouldn't come with me,
would you?

No, I can't. Granny's birthday.
Got to go and see her.

Got a present for her, have you?

Well, I'm gonna jump in the shop
round the corner.

Now what could be nicer
than a boy should get his gran

- a nice new...
- Watch.

I would prefer it if you didn't tire
him by staying too long, Mr Daley.

Oh, I'm not one to hang about
illness and disease, Sister.

That takes a special kind of
noble spirit

that you angels of mercy possess
to cope with that.

Well, I don't know.
Just a job, really.

Just a job?! Ju...

Our lives in your hands? Devoting
your lives to healing the sick,

comforting the dying...
emptying the bedpans?

- Hardly just a job, Sister.
- Well, I...

- Well, it's very kind of you, but...
- Not at all.

Your very uniform
bears testimony to...

Please, please - excuse me.

This watch - supplied by
the National Health, I suppose.

- Well...
- I thought so.

Unfeeling bureaucrats!

How can one get them to realise
very life might hang in the balance

when you are forced to take a pulse
with a cheap mechanism like that?

- Well, I don't...
- Sister, what you must have

is nothing less than a fully
guaranteed, quality time-keeper.

Yes, a cheque would be perfectly
acceptable, Sister. Thank you.

Oh, my good gawd.

Hello, Arthur.

Glad you could get along.

Dear, oh, dear! What did you
run into, a brick wall?

I didn't run into anything.

I was walking across a road
and a motor ran into me.

Broke just about every bloody bone
in my body, except my neck.

Still, should be a nice little
insurance claim.

It was a hit-and-run job, Arthur.

And the Old Bill haven't been able
to trace the car.

- Get the number, did you?
- Oh, naturally.

Just as I was about to descend
from 20 feet in the air

and smash into the concrete,
I whipped out my notebook,

took the number, colour, make,
description of the driver

Of course, my hand was shaking a bit
the shock, you know

And the pages were somewhat
bloodstained

I see what you mean.

Upset someone, have you?

Well, I don't know, Arthur.
I mean, you know me.

I've been out of the villainy scene
for years.

Made a few quid, and maybe a few
enemies at the same time, but...

No, if this is a comeback
for some bit of naughtiness then,

I can't see it.

I've been legit for too long.

It could be genuine,

but then something happened
to make me take seconds.

What's that, then?

Well, you know
I'm in the antique game -

got a nice high-class shop
in Kensington -

and er... a sort of partner.

He knows how to handle the kind of
up-market punter we get.

- And?
- Well, Jim...

That's my partner.

..he tells me that a couple of
hooligans have been in the shop

at the demand.

- What, protection?!
- Yeah.

Well, it's not the most difficult
thing in the world, is it?

Just smash a Ming vase or
to break up a Louis XVI chair.

- Or a human frame.
- Exactly.

So you think this might have been
deliberate?

To get you off the plot.

Well, I dunno.

It seems a bit drastic.

I might have been k*lled!

Maybe somebody just taking advantage
of me being out of the way.

I mean,
I'm still a bit useful, Arthur.

And I'd smash any b*stard who'd try
to collect protection of me, but...

Oh, Jim, he's...

well, he's not the physical type.

So you want someone to mind him,
is that it?

Yeah. And the shop.

I've got just the man for you.

- Yeah, I heard you've got a good lad.
- Terry McCann. One of the best.

I don't want ONE of the best,
I want THE best.

- I want the hardest.
- Isn't that what I said?

My man is as hard as masonry nails.

Not an emotion in his body.

Happy birthday, Gran.

Can he start right away?

I want 24-hour protection
till it's settled.

He'll grab a couple of hours kip
from time to time.

- He can sleep in.
- Sleep in?

Yeah, there's a flat over the shop.

- Is that where Jim lives?
- Yes. There's a spare bedroom.

Right. Now, Alex, about the fee.

Bill me, Arthur.
I'm not concerned about the cost.

Yeah, but Alex, they're gonna be
some expenses upfront.

What do you want me to do,
write you a cheque?!

Be a bit awkward like, wouldn't it?

How's Gloria and the kids?

That's all right.

Visit regularly?

The fact is, Arthur,

Gloria and me split up
some time back.

No!

You and Gloria?!

Well, that is a turn-up.

You and Gloria? I always thought
you was a perfect couple.

We had our differences.

I still visit her and the kids -
weekends, and when I can.

- She know you're in here?
- Yes, she knows.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Alex.

I always liked you and Gloria.

- Where are you living now, then?
- In the flat over the shop as well.

- It's part of my property.
- Come on now, Mr Daley.

- You promised not to tire him.
- That is perfectly true, Sister,

and I am nothing
if not a man of my word.

- And here's that cheque, Mr Daley.
- Oh, thank you, Sister.

We all try to help our fellow
creatures in our own way, eh?

- I like to hope so, Mr Daley.
- It looks beautiful.

And truly a bargain.

Well, I'll be off.
Don't worry about a thing,

I shall give it my full attention.

Ah, before I go, I don't suppose...

No. No, I expect not.

Bye.

Arthur.

You'll need to know
where the shop is.

Take a card on top of the locker
there.

Any problems with Jim,
tell him to contact me.

Right, I'll see you. Bye sister.

Bye Mr Daley, and thank you.

My pleasure.

Open up, Mr Brompton.

'..for effectively in parallel
with the load at position one...'

Do you like it, Gran?

Pardon, love?

The watch. Do you like it?

Oh, yes. Very nice.

Very nice.

'..even with the lowering
at high and low frequencies,

the amplifier, with resistive loads,
will amplify...'

- Fancy a cup of tea, Gran?
- That'd be nice.

'..the band width can be increased
by lowering the gain.

All this is easily followed by
referring to the chart here.

And, as you can see, the action has
the desired response.

Now, at this point, I'd like you to
refer to your figure 76...'

'Remember, when the voltage in the
A direction is advised...'

Terrific

'..passing from X to Y...'

Gran, Arthur's here to see you.

Happy birthday!
Little something for you.

- Ooh, I say!
- No, no, don't get up.

Oh, thank you, Mr Daley!

Well, I don't know what to say.

Aren't they lovely, Terry?

Yeah, lovely.

I'll just go and put them
in a vase of water.

And chocolates as well!

Ooh, I say!

- I'll make you a cup of tea.
- Lovely.

Aren't they lovely?

I didn't know you bought her flowers
as well.

Did she like the watch?

- What are you doing here?
- Got a job for you.

I don't like the idea of living in.

What's wrong with it?

Well, I want a few hours to myself,
don't I?

Have a few drinks, pull a bird.

Be master of my own fate,
and all that.

- Money's good.
- How good?

Well, I haven't worked out
the details yet,

but stand on me,
you won't lose by it.

Where have I heard that before?

What happens if I don't like
the geezer?

You don't have to like him
to look after him, do you?

How badly is this mate of yours hurt?

Alex? Oh, not bad.
Just a few abrasions.

- So, he won't be in hospital long, then?
- Well, there are certain complications.

With abrasions?

You'll like Alex.
One of your own sort.

Hard case in his time. Still is.
Real man's man.

Sounds great.

Ah, here we are.

Ah, that's what you call
a bit of class, Terry.

None of your Portobello Road junk
in here.

I tell you what, that'd look good
in my kitchen.

- Yeah.
- Nice bit of Formica over the top.

Can I be of assistance, gentlemen?

You must be Jim.

Arthur Daley.
And um... this is Terry.

- I'm sorry, have we met?
- Well, we have now.

I'm a business acquaintance of Alex's.
I've just come from seen him in hospital.

Been telling me about your aggro.

- My aggro?
- Aggravation problem.

And the little firm that's been busy
at the demand.

He means the two nasties
who've been asking you

to contribute to
their protection scheme.

Oh, I see.

And I am here
to set your mind at rest.

You have nothing to worry about
from this moment on.

Yeah, Alex has asked me, in my capacity
as professional security adviser,

to see that you and the shop
are looked after

until he can do it himself.

- Looked after?
- Minded. Protected.

And Terry here is the best.

Is he indeed?

Hold on, Arthur, hold on.

You have nothing to worry about
with Terry around.

Excuse me one moment,
would you, please?

Can I have a word with you?
What's the matter?

If you think I'm staying
in the same pad with that,

you've got another think coming.

What are you talking about?
What's wrong with him?

Leave it out! Can't you see?

See? What is there to see?
A perfectly charming young man.

All right, so he may not be
one of the chaps...

- Arthur! The geezer is a raving iron!
- Don't be ridiculous. An iron?

You don't have to scream it!

How do you know he's a poofter?
How can you tell?

I can tell, believe me.

Go on, have another look.

Don't make it too obvious, eh?

He can't be, can he?

Why not?
There are thousands of them about.

Yeah, I know...

No wonder you called that mate of
yours "a man's man."

Leave off, leave off!
Alex a poofter?

You must be joking!
He's a married man with children!

You told me he'd left them
and gone to live case with jolly Jim.

In the same flat, Terry,
in the same flat.

I did not say they was case.

There's a spare bedroom.
He told me so.

Arthur, I don't give a monkey's
what your mate's into.

And I've got nothing against irons.
I just don't want to live with one!

You are wrong about Alex.
I'll lay odds.

And even if you're right about him,

I don't see that it makes
any difference.

Oh, you don't, eh?

No. I mean, he's not gonna try
any of that... stuff with you, is he?

- And if he does?
- You just have to use a bit of diplomacy.

Say you're sorry,
but you're normal.

Say it'd upset your mum.
Or something like that.

Arthur, it would upset ME. I'm likely
to give him a right-hander,

- and never mind the other firm.
- No, no, no, don't do that.

And what would I tell Alex?
We could be on a right earner here.

The man's loaded.

Arthur, what's it gonna look like

when people hear that
I'm living with an iron, eh?

It's gonna do my reputation
the world of bleeding good!

Nobody will hear. How can they?

- Who knows you on this manor?
- I don't care, I don't like it.

Look, look, look Terry
at it from the positive side.

Luxury flat, room of your own,

chance to educate your mind
on the finer things in life,

like antiques.

It's not as if you have to be
a consenting adult.

- Arthur.
- No, no, no. Please, Terry.

Just for me. I promise I'll see
that everything's kosher.

Well, gentlemen. Since I've never
seen or heard of you before today,

you won't mind if I check with Alex
about all this, will you?

No, no. I'll come with you.

Come with me?
To the hospital.

No, that won't be necessary.

That's right, Jim.

I don't care if you don't like it.

I don't want you hurt,
and I don't want my stock damaged.

Listen...

Just do what I say.

OK?

OK.

Well, it seems I have no choice

but to place myself
entirely in your hands,

Terry.

Oh, yes, very nice.
Very nice indeed.

You'll be all right here, Terry.

Can I offer either of you a drink?

Not for me, thanks, Jim.
I have to be going.

Other appointments, busy schedule.
You understand.

I just wanted to see Terry
ensconced, as it were.

- Terry?
- No, thanks, no.

Just want to check a few things -
windows, locks, that sort of stuff.

There's no need. The only way in
or out is through the front door.

- I'll have a look anyway.
- Nothing if not professional.

- So I see.
- I'll come with you.

There's no need for that.
You stay and keep Jim company.

Oh, it's all right, Mr Daley.
You're perfectly safe.

Of course I am.

Why wouldn't I be?
Why indeed?

I... I will have that drink now, Jim.

- Vodka and tonic, if you've got it.
- Oh, I've got it.

You known Alex long?

Couple of years or so.

You'll have met his wife then?
Gloria?

No, we've never actually met.

Charming woman, charming.

I was very surprised when he told me
they split up. I couldn't understand that.

Couple of lovely kids they've got
too.

Yes, so I believe.

H..How long have you and Alex
lived in this flat?

About 18 months.

It's very nice.

Yes, we like it.

Oh, my gawd.

No, no, no. No more for me, thanks.

Oh, Terry. Everything all right?

I trust mine's not the bedroom
with all the fancy curtains?

- Fancy curtains?
- That's right.

Yours is the spare bedroom.

Oh, that'll be Alex's room
when he's here.

Well, I expect you'll be wanting to
collect a few items -

- toothbrush, what have you?
- Yeah, I suppose so.

I'll do that.
Better stay now you're here.

You never know when those hooligans
will come back.

They didn't give any indication,
did they?

No.
No, they didn't.

Give us the keys to your flat,
I'll nip round

and chuck a few
things in a bag for you.

- I'll come down to the car.
- No, no, no.

- There's no need for that.
- I'll come down anyway!

Oh, right.

Well, I'll be going, then.
It's very nice to...

As I say, with Terry here
you have got nothing to worry about.

How very reassuring.

These are Alex's keys. You'd better
take them to let yourself in.

In case we're not here
when you bring Terry's things.

- Not here?
- I may decide to go out.

- Out where?
- Out.

- I'm not a prisoner, am I?
- Well, no, but...

No, no, no, that'll be all right.
As long as Terry accompanies you.

Oh, come now! It's the shop they're
interested in protecting, not me.

No, but it's from you they want to
claim their contribution.

So be it.

About food.

- Food?
- Yes, food.

- You do eat, I suppose?
- He has been known to eat beans.

- Beans?
- Yeah, human beans.

Oh, I see. A joke.

- Terrific.
- Outside, you.

No need to cause unnecessary
bad feeling with the client, Terry.

He ain't your client!
Your friend in hospital is.

- You now what I mean.
- He was taking the...

No, he wasn't. That's your
inferiority complex again.

He was simply asking you if you'd
like some nice cordon bleu food.

That's what I mean about a chance
to educate your mind.

It ain't my mind I'm worried about.

And I tell you one more time,
if he makes any kind of move...

No, no, no. Don't start all that again.

A nice cushy number.
Don't needle the geezer.

Give us your keys.

Do you want anything
in particular?

No, a couple of shirts, underwear,
shaving gear, toothbrush -

- that sort of thing.
- Right.

What was all that
about the bedroom?

Oh, it's super!

- You are wrong about Alex.
- Oh, yeah?

Moules mariniere.

I do hope you like them.

Shells look like
they'd be a bit hard.

You must admit,
it sounds a bit dodgy, Arthur.

Dodgy? You sound like Terry.

Listen, if you knew this Alex

you wouldn't call him a woofter
to his face, I can tell you that.

How's Terry taken to having to stay
with the other one?

Loves it, don't he

'Ere, what's the time, then?

Oh, it's nearly half-past six.

No, it's not. It's...

Oh, mine seems to have stopped.

- Same again, please, Dave.
- Righto.

Hello, Arthur. Got the time?

Have I got the time?
Hang on, I'll be right back.

I'll do some coffee in a moment,
if you'd like some.

No, I'm fine, thanks.
That was smashing.

Thank you.

No, straight, it was really nice.

Yes, well, I like to cook.

Of course, you know I'm g*y.

Well, it had crossed my mind, yeah.

- And does it bother you?
- No. Why should it?

It seemed to make your friend
uncomfortable.

Well, Arthur's a bit old-fashioned,
like.

- You know, age creeping on.
- He can't be much older than Alex.

Arthur thinks that you and Alex
are just good friends.

Yes, I gathered that.

Arthur. How nice to see you
after so long.

Me to see you too, Gloria.

I thought I'd better ring first, see
if it was all right to call round.

You didn't have to.

I haven't installed anyone else yet,
if that was bothering you.

Don't just stand there, come in.

Come in.

I'm not exactly crazy about
staying here either.

I do think the least Alex could have
done was to foreworn me.

It was sprung on me a bit, an' all.

Still, he won't be in hospital long,
will he?

At least 10 weeks, I should think.

10 weeks? For abrasions?!

I'd hardly call having practically
every bone in your body broken

abrasions.

- You're joking.
- I don't joke.

Bloody Arthur.

Listen, these two merchants
who came in the shop

and put the frighteners on,
what did they look like?

Hard to say.

All those butch, macho types
look much the same to me.

Yeah, well, did either of them
mention each other's name?

No.

And they didn't say
when they'd be back?

No.

- That's funny, they usually do.
- I wouldn't know.

10 bleeding weeks.

I... I don't know what to say.

I mean...
I can hardly believe it.

Well, it's true.
He finally came out of the closet.

I'd suspected for some time of
course, but couldn't really prove it.

But I mean, Alex, he was always
so...

- Well, you know?
- To the outside world, yes.

b*stard. I hope he catches
something...

Catches something?

Oh, Gloria,
you can't really mean that?

Yes, I bloody do!

- Help yourself.
- Oh... ta.

I mean, I can see, you know,

I can see it upset you a bit.

A bit?!

Well, the man is in hospital
with a badly broken body.

No more than he deserves.

But he still looks after you,
though, don't he?

He pays the bills. Just.

When he was still living with me,
he was quite generous.

I suppose that was the guilt.

But now he no longer has
anything to hide,

he's turned into Mr Tight Wad.

- Do the kids know?
- That he's mean?

No, no, no, that he's um...
you know.

That their father is a queen?

No, of course not.

Queen. Gloria!

Hello, how are you? Excuse me.

Yeah, well, afternight
we use this place to a...

James, my dear.

I was just saying to Garry,
what on earth is James doing here

without Alex keeping a watchful eye
on him?

Well. Hello, Ronald, Garry.

- How are you?
- Hello.

Aren't you going to introduce us
to your friend?

Terry! How's it going, mate?

'Allo, Chas!
Come on, let's buy you a drink.

No, no, I'm just here
to pick up a punter.

I thought you'd given
the mini-cabbing up.

No, I won't hang about. I can see
you're busy with your friend.

- What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing, nothing.

Just that I heard how you'd changed
your living arrangements.

- Now listen, Chas!
- Leave off, it's just a joke!

- That's a job! Got it?
- Got it, got it.

You sure you won't have another
drink before you go?

No thanks, love.
I'm driving, ain't I?

It's nice to see you again, Arthur.

And thanks for the lovely watch.
I'll shove it on Alex's bill.

Why are you helping that b*stard?

Gloria, I am a businessman. I've got
to make a crust as well, haven't I?

What else can I do?
Ta-ra, love.

Do you want anything for supper?

Er... No, thanks, no. I just want to
get my head down, all right? Cheers.

- Yeah?
- It's me, Terry.

Well, what's your game?
What do you want?

Don't be alarmed,
I'm not after your body.

- I just want to say something.
- Yeah? What?

All right, you don't have to sit
there to say whatever it is!

Don't be ridiculous.

I just want to apologise for
my attitude since you've been here.

It was very childish of me. You're
doing this for me as much as Alex,

and I do appreciate it. Really.

Oh. Yeah, well, all right, then. Ta.

Good. So tomorrow
we'll start afresh, yes?

It...

Er... Your gear, Terry.

I saw your light was on,

so I just come up.

Sorry if I disturbed you.

Oi!

Arthur! Arthur!

Where the bleeding hell have you
been for the last three days?

Been a bit busy these last few days.

- Them watches is moving well.
- Oh, that's nice for you.

Listen! Don't you ever pull a stroke
like that on me again!

- Like what?
- You know like what!

That get-out the other day
when you left my gear.

Terry, I am a sensitive man.

I know when not to intrude
on people's privacy.

- Listen, Arthur...
- A joke. Joke.

A little bit of levity
to lighten the day.

I must say, I was a bit
taken aback at the time.

But I thought: What, Terry?!
Never!

No. Unless there's something
you want to tell me.

- Do what?
- Made a few sales, Jim?

- That's what I'm here for, Mr Daley.
- Good lad.

I've been to see Gloria.

- Who's Gloria?
- Alex's wife.

- And?
- You were right about Alex.

I wouldn't let it worry you, mate.

I saw a lot of hard cases
go that way in the nick.

But Alex has never been in the nick.

Very bitter about it she is, too.

- Can't blame her, can you?
- Wished him terrible things.

It's bad enough being left for
another woman, but a geezer?

I don't understand it, Terry.
A man like that!

What is happening to the world?

I'm a liberal minded man,
you know that -

live and let live, that's my motto.

But it seems to me the whole
moral fabric of society

is crumbling before our eyes.

I never knew you cared, Arthur.

Well, what's been happening, then?
Any aggro?

No, there's something
not quite right.

- How do you mean?
- I can't pin it down...

Well, for a start, he don't seem
in the least bit bothered.

Naturally - he's got you here
to look after him.

Yeah, you might be right.

Listen, I want to check out a few things.
You stay here for a bit, all right?

Hey! Leave off!
I can't stay here with him.

Why not?
Well,

that's what you're being paid for.

- Oh! Well, talking of which...
- Don't worry, you'll get weighed off.

Supposing something happens
while you're gone.

Nothing's gonna happen.

I can't be seen spending time alone
with a...

I'm a happily married man.

Think of the positive side, Arthur.

Use it as a way of educating
your mind.

Don't worry, he'll be here soon.

I'm not worried.
Not with you here Mr Daley.

Jim, where's the little boy's room?

It's downstairs.

Ta.

Jim?

Jim?

- Thank gawd you're here!
- What's the matter with you?

- Why have you been so long?
- What's wrong?

Jim's disappeared!

That's terrific, innit I leave
you for an hour and you lose him!

I didn't lose him! I went for a leak
and when I came back he wasn't here!

It's your fault.
If anything happens to him...

Nothing's gonna happen to him.

Look, Arthur, you know how these
little protection firms operate.

They find a new area to graft in
- pubs, clubs, restaurants -

or, in this case, antique shops.

Then they exploit it to death, right?

Yeah, I suppose.

Well, I've just been to half a dozen
antique shops on this manor

and not one of them has had anyone
at the demand.

How do you know?
They're not gonna let on to you!

I can tell by their attitude,
believe me.

So what are you saying, then?

Well, I don't know, but...

..I've just got this funny feeling
that for some weird reason,

jolly Jim has made it all up.

Anyway, I've got another alternative.

Alternative?

To the theory that your friend Alex
was put in hospital

by some protection firm
who wanted him out of the way.

Which reminds me - what was all that
crap you gave me about abrasions?

Oh, yeah, well um...
I didn't want you to worry.

That the same thing
would happen to me?

Terrific. Thanks a lot, pal!

Never mind about that. What's this
alternative you're going on about?

Alex's old woman. Gloria.

She could have set him up.

You said yourself how bitter she was,
wished terrible things on him.

She could have paid someone to play
bumper cars on her old man.

Gloria? Nah.

It's not her style.

Arthur, you only knew them when
they were Mr and Mrs Happy Couple.

- Hell hath no wrath, as they say.
- No, it's fury that they say.

Well?

Well, it is possible.

Maybe I ought to pay her
another visit.

No, no. You're too pally with her.
I'll go.

I don't believe this.

I only came round here

to see if you set your old man up
for that hit-and-run.

And I told you I didn't.

Yeah, Arthur said you'd say that.

So this was Arthur's idea, was it?

Well, it was sort of mutual,
you know.

Well, it's what friends are for.

Arthur's a friend of your old man's
an' all, you know.

Arthur's nobody's friend.

Not really.

You remind me of Alex
when he was younger.

Well, let's hope I don't
grow up like him, eh?

Yes. Poor Alex.

Poor Alex?

I feel sorry for him, really.

But Arthur said you're all bitter
and wished terrible things on him.

Neah.
Arthur caught me at a bad moment.

Every now and then,
I get overcome by resentment.

Usually when somebody reminds me
that Alex is living with a man.

A man, for god's sake.

It doesn't last long.

I could never see him hurt.

Not physically.

I just had this feeling that
jolly Jim was making it all up

and you were the logical alternative.

Why do you call him jolly Jim?

Well, he is g*y, isn't he?

Yes.

Well, he is a bit of
a fantasy merchant.

- Who?
- My husband's friend Jim.

He told us he'd never met you.

There you go, then. Fantasy, lies -

it's all part of the same thing.

Hello, Mr Daley.
Where's Terry, then?

Never mind where Terry is.
Where the bloody hell have you been?

Out. I went for a walk.

I was finding it
a little claustrophobic

being continually watched.

- I needed some time to myself.
- Well, you should have told me.

If I'd told you,
you'd have tried to prevent it.

Right.
Well, it was a stupid thing to do.

Don't try it on again!

I used to go round there
at the beginning,

when I first had my suspicions.

Confront him
when Alex wasn't around.

He'd deny it,

say it was absurd to suggest

that he and Alex had that sort of
relationship.

God.

At least if it was a woman, I could have
scratched her eyes out, or something.

Then when Alex confessed,

it all seemed a bit pointless
somehow.

Oh, my gawd.

- Yeah?
- 'Hello, Gloria.'

- 'It's Arthur here.'
- Oh, hello, Arthur.

- 'Is Terry there?'
- Yes, he's here.

Hello, Arthur.

He's back. Said he wanted to go
for a walk on his own.

But he's OK?
Nothing's happened to him?

That is not the point, Terry.
Something could have. Still could.

- 'You get back here right away.'
- Arthur, nothing's gonna happen.

- The geezer's a fantasy merchant.
- What?

Has Gloria said something?
Has she admitted anything?

Well, she um...

she has revealed a few things, yeah.

Revealed? What has she revealed?

- Arthur, please, I'm a gentleman.
- What are you talking about?

Don't worry about it,
I'll see you later.

Never mind later,
you get back here right now!

Mr Daley, the two men I spoke of
have returned.

Terry! Terry!

- Who's this?
- Oh, just a passing punter, you know,

browsing round.

Goodness me, is that the time?
Thank you for letting me look round,

I really must be going.

I asked who is he?

Mr Daley is my minder,
I believe...

No, no, not minder.
No, no.

Security adviser.

Well, er... thanks for... everything,
really. Smashing.

My pleasure.

When you see Arthur, tell him he's a
b*stard.

And that watch he gave me
stopped.

Yeah, that figures.
Ta-ra.

Please! Don't talk to me about
watches that don't work!

Not while I'm in shock!

Oh, thanks, Jim.

You were out of order leaving me
here on my own. Out of order.

- You agreed to it.
- I did not agree!

I was manoeuvred in a...
moment of weakness.

So I was wrong. Now you see
what I have to put up with.

Look. We both have our role.
Yours is muscle, mine is managerial.

- Don't keep on.
- I don't feel very well.

You can lie down in my room
if you'd like.

No, thank you.

What did these two geezers look like?

Ugly. Very ugly. And I never want to
see them again.

Hm. We'll just have to wait and see
if they show again, won't we?

Won't YOU.

Here. Come on, come on.
I'll help you to the car.

So come on, what's the SP on Gloria?

- Ah, well...
- Oh, my good gawd, you never!

Terry, you are disgusting!

Gloria is a personal friend of mine!

What's Alex gonna say
when he finds out, eh?

I don't think it'd bother him
too much in the circumstances.

- Terry, it's his wife!
- Who's his wife?

Drive carefully, dear.

Well, this is exciting.

Could always watch a bit of telly.

Help yourself to another drink
if you'd like.

No, I'm all right.

Listen, why did you tell Arthur
you'd never met Alex's wife?

I don't know.
Didn't want any complications.

Bach?

Have you got the time on you,
Arthur?

Dave, I have to tell you,
this is not my day.

What's this, then?
Seller's market, is it?

It's like this sometimes.

- Where's Terry?
- In the shop.

Oi, what's this?

You're not supposed to be sitting
here! What are you doing?

I'm doing what I'm supposed to be
getting paid for.

You haven't paid me
for your gran's watch yet.

You pay me and I'll pay you.

They er... seem to be shifting
a lot of goods.

Yeah, it's like this sometimes.

That's funny. That's what Jim said.

He says it to everyone.

- Anything happening?
- Have a look yourself.

Not the paper, Terry.
Here. Any aggro?

No.

- Well, there is one thing.
- What's that?

I'm suffering from a terminal case
of boredom!

Never mind that. The longer you're
here, the bigger an earner we're on.

We?

I've got to see Alex, give him
a progress report, see.

I was just checking up.

I must confess, Terry,
I don't fancy facing him.

Not since I learned about him,
you know.

Don't worry, he can't make
a pass at you all plastered up.

That is not what I meant
and you know it.

He's a mate of mine.
A drinking partner.

Give him a kiss from me.

You know, don't you?

Know?

Know what?

Oh, come off it.
Me and Jim.

I suppose it was inevitable
you'd suss it out.

I just... well...
I just didn't know how to tell you.

I'd rather not discuss it, Alex,
if you don't mind.

It's not something
a person can help, you know.

I mean, I don't dress up in drag
or anything!

Please!

Anyway,

I just wanted you to know that,
for my part,

it doesn't alter our relationship.

- Terry ran?
- Like a rabbit.

A minute ago, before you arrived.

- And I could hardly believe it.
- Neither can I.

Which way did they chase him?

No, please! Please!
I've only just had a transplant!

Do you mind not pulling it so hard?

My friend will be ever so upset
if I lose it again.

No, please! Please!

Can't we just talk about this?

I don't see any point in
getting my face broken

- for what was basically a favour.
- A favour?

Yes. My friend and I,
we're only actors. We...

We were only employed
to scare you off.

Who set it up, then?

- Jim, actually.
- Jim?!

Yes.

God! I don't believe this!
Argh!

Help!

Help!

Help!

Arthur!

Arthur!

Hang on!

Hang on?

Are you the gentleman
who called the fire brigade, sir?

Ah, yes officer,
a citizen has his duty.

You know the man up there sir?

Well, sort of, vaguely.

Could you tell me what he was doing
on the roof of private premises?

Me? How should I know?

- You alright?
- You'll never believe this, Arthur.

Perhaps I'll believe it, sir.

Oi!

And you can come and explain it
to your friend in the hospital.

I told you
there is nothing to explain.

Never mind that,
just get in the car, will you?

I just want to explain,
Alex, this was not my idea.

What would he want to do
a thing like that for?

Well, that's what the loon on the roof
said, and he was pretty convincing.

- Is this true?
- No, of course not. Absolute rubbish.

I'm sure it's all
a terrible mistake.

Jim has been doing marvellous
business while you've been in here.

There's hardly anything left
in the shop. Practically empty.

What?!
What do you mean practically empty?!

That's what it's there for, innit,
to sell?

Arthur, I am not selling
ice cream on a hot day!

The quality of prices in my shop,
I shift about

maybe three or four pieces a week.

Listen, these actors said
"our friend Jim"

so maybe you know them as well.
One of them,

he had his barnet thatched.

That sounds like George
and his mate.

They get down this club we use.

- That's not all, is it?
- Oh, dear.

Why? Why?
All right, it's true.

You had this done to me?

No, of course not.
It was a genuine accident.

- Then what the bloody hell...
- It was because of you!

What you did.

Me?
What have you done with my stock?

I've been selling it off.
Considerably below market value.

- I'll k*ll you! I'll k*ll you!
- It wasn't my idea, you know.

- It was that wife of yours. Gloria.
- Gloria?

She came to see me
just after the accident.

Told me you'd been seeing someone
behind my back.

A woman.

Did he? Did he?

I'm sure you shouldn't get
so excited.

Shut up, Arthur!

It's a lie. Whatever that b*tch
told you, it's a lie.

She gave me her name and address.

- And did you check it out?
- Well, no.

- She was convincing.
- Oh, yes, Gloria is convincing.

If you'd have bothered
to check it out,

you'd have found it was probably
one of her mates

that she'd persuaded to collaborate.

Yes... but I believed her.

I was hurt.

It was her that thought up the story
about the protection mob.

I was to tell you that to worry you.

To upset you because you were
helpless in here.

- And what about my stock?
- That was her idea as well.

I swear to you, Alex!
We were to split the proceeds,

and I would have had enough
to go away somewhere -

start a new life without you.

The trouble was, things got
complicated when those two arrived.

I thought you'd find out,

so I hired George and Charlie
to make it seem true.

You done this to me,
after all I gave up?

After all I've done for you,

you turn me over?

I'm sorry, Alex. Truly I am.

I thought I'd lost you.

Please forgive me.

In case you want to get in touch
with me.

My home number.

I'll send Terry over with the bill
when it be...

a bit more convenient.

How do they get you, mate.
It takes all sorts.

Oh, Mr Daley! Mr Daley!

I'd like to have a word with you,
please,

about this watch I bought from you.

Er... Terry, I think you'll have to
have a word with that slippery...

fellow who sold you
this duff job lot.

Yeah. Yeah, and I'll take my granny
along too, shall I?

subtitles by Deluxe

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪