02x04 - Heartbreak Hotel

[bunniefuu]

I woke up this morning
and I decided

that I'm gonna take the step

and I'm gonna go see
a lawyer right now.

[all]
Yay!

Me and Jen's relationship
isn't the best, obviously.

You know, I don't wanna keep
putting the baby in the middle.

Peace of mind,
that's all I ask for.

You're a [bleep] psychopath.[bleep]!

[spits]
You piece of [bleep]!

You're calling me
a [bleep] wh*re?

What the [bleep]?!
Oh, you're so [bleep] calm.

You're texting me
I'm a [bleep] wh*re.

You're calling me
a [bleep] wh*re?

I don't give a [bleep].
I'll go to jail.

♪ Here I come ♪

Yeah, buddy!

Party's here!

The Situation is
under construction.

This might not have been
the best idea.

We're so classy now.

On the seventh day,
it'll be lit.

Get the frig out
of here, you crazy!

♪ Here I come ♪♪

♪♪

♪ I couldn't figure out
that I was on my own ♪

♪♪

♪ I know I've run from all
the pain I've been through... ♪♪

[Jen]
I don't wanna hear your whole
[bleep] bull[bleep] story.

You text me at 1:30,
"sl*t, wh*re, liar,

cheater, b*tch,"
all this.

You know you [bleep] did.

That's how you [bleep] are.
You [bleep] did it.

[spits]
You piece of [bleep].

You're a [bleep] loser.
You're a piece of [bleep].

[bleep], there's no food--Oh, yeah, you're
so [bleep] calm?

You're texting me
I'm a [bleep] wh*re.

I'm a liar.
I'm a [bleep] cheater.

But you're calling me
a [bleep] wh*re?
What the [bleep]?!

Me and Jen have no control
over our relationship.

Me and her are gonna
fight forever.

Probably fight until
we're [bleep] 65 years old.

Get this [bleep] off me.

Oh, my God, bro.
[Jen]
You are so [bleep] up.

You're a [bleep] loser, bro.

[Ronnie]
It's tit for tat, you know?

At the end of the day,
no one ever wins.

It's like that toxicity
cannot affect the child.

I have to do something
about this.

[bleep] piece of [bleep].

Where's my [bleep] phone?

[Ronnie]
She's [bleep] drunk.

I could smell the alcohol
on her breath.

Like, [bleep] useless.
Where's my kid?

[Jen]
This is bull[bleep]!

[bleep]-- now I'm definitely
moving forward with the lawyer.

[bleep] crazy.

♪♪

[Jenni]
Cheers, guys.
[Snooki]
Cheers.

To turning
this vacation around.

To Deener and Chris.To Ronnie's lawyer.

Ronnie's lawyer!

[Pauly D]
Salud.

We're simplifying tonight.

We're removing the Ron drama.
He's handling that.

Let's get good food,
good drinks,

and good conversation.

The drama right now
is really real.

The drama's serious.[Jenni]
It's, like, way too much.

Before the, um,
Ron and Sam drama was,

like, eh, it was,
like, funny, you know?

This is not funny.

I knew things were bad
between Ron and Jen,

but, um, I've never
seen it firsthand.

Now I'm witnessing it,
and I'm like holy [bleep].

I had no idea it was
actually this bad.

Oh, thank you.

Why'd you give her
all of it?

I thought I gave
half and half.

Ohh.

[Pauly D]
This thing was misleading.

[laughter]

[Pauly D]
I'm already drunk.That's too fancy for us.

I only had two glasses
of wine.
You are too?

[Snooki]
Same!
I'm, like, so drunk
right now!

[bleep]!Yeah, why is this wine
so powerful?

I know!
I was like,
wait a minute.

[Snooki]
I'm wasted.Well...

It just hit me!
Whoa!

[laughter]

The world's spinning.Yo, we out here
getting [bleep]!

Oh, my God.

Something is in this wine,
because all of a sudden,

everyone is, like,
wacked out of their mind.

I feel funny.

Like, I can't even look
at you straight right now.

I was, like,
seeing six of you!

[Vinny]
I think you're high.

[laughter]

We're definitely high!
We're all [bleep] high!

Yo, this wine's crazy.

I never feel
like this on wine.
[Jenni]
No!

Yes.
Maybe from our stress.

No, it doesn't crack up
all three of us.

For Deener?
Yeah.
Deener?!

[Snooki, laughing]
Deener!

Deener's here?For Deener?

[Vinny]
She thinks you're making fun--

We have a friend named Deena
and stuff.Oh, "dinner"!

"Dinner," she said!Deener and Chris?

For dinner, dinner.[Pauly D]
We're not gonna be
invited back here.

[Snooki]
Oh, my God!

It was actually nice to hear
the waitress say, "Deener."

We're missing our meatball
right now.

[Vinny]
You guys are acting weird.Maybe it's the snifter.

Snifter?!Could be your sphincter.

[Snooki]
Sphincter?
What the [bleep]
is a sphincter?

[Snooki]
What about my sphincter?

Sphincter is, like, the thing

between your [bleep]
and your a*s, right?

No, it's your butthole.What is a sphincter,
actually?

Oh, that's in
your butthole.

No!
No!
Yeah!

No, a sphincter is, um...

Is the a*s[bleep].Seriously?!

Sphincter's in
your a*s[bleep], I swear.Yes, yes.

[Pauly D]
We gotta get
a ruling on that.I'm, like, 98% sure.

The butthole's called
the sphincter?

I've never heard that
a day in my life.

So I'm drinking
out of a butthole?
I don't understand.

Do you know what
a sphincter is?
[Vinny]
No!

Neither do I.

It's the butthole.
Sphincter.

Yeah.
Yes! I said an*s.

No, it is not!
That cannot be.

I've never heard that.I'm telling you,
sphincters.

Sphincter.
It's in your butt, I swear.I never heard that.

When I was, like, going
to school to be a vet tech,

I had to, like, express
a**l glands in a dog,

and the sphincter is
the a*s[bleep].

So Vinny's been taking it
in his sphincter his whole life?

[laughter]

[Snooki]
Stop! Don't spill it!

Yo, how could we go
from, like, being...

[Jenni]
So stressed....so dark and stressed?

We needed this!
We needed this!

Too [bleep]...
Calm down!

[Pauly D]
This is why--

This is why
we're like this.

This is why I grabbed
the bottle.

Whoo!

This is my therapy.

Tonight, I feel, was
the perfect way to, you know,

just push the restart button
on this vacation.

Ooh, I can't get in.

[Jenni laughing]

And be like, all right,
it's not all about drama.

We can still have fun here.

[Jenni]
Can we go there every night?

[laughter]

♪♪

[Ronnie sniffling]

[Ronnie exhales deeply]

Oh, God.

Everything that's going on
with Jen

is, like, driving me crazy.

Each of us bring each other

to that point of like,
"What the [bleep]?"

[Ron sniffling]

I definitely think this is
the last straw for me and Jen.

It's like this relationship
has to be done.

She's [bleep] crazy, bro.

It's just [bleep] insanity.

Oh, God.

The cops came here,
said, "Listen.

That's domestic violence."
I go, "I don't want
to press charges."

They go,
"It doesn't matter."

And now Jen is gonna
have a warrant out
for her arrest.

This is like "Jerry Springer,"
"Maury" type [bleep].

We don't have to go
to the actual chapel--Mike, Angelina's on her way.

This is the worst
vacation ever.

Are you gonna be nice
to my friend?

We have things
that we have to sort out.

[both]
Ohh!You can still say hi to her!

♪♪

[cell phone line trilling]

[female voice on recording]
You have reached the voi--

[bleep] me.

Come on.

[cell phone line trilling]

[female voice on recording]
You have reached the voice--

Oh, man.
Crazy, dude.

Jenni. Nicole.

I gotta give you guys
a breakdown on what's going on.

What's wrong?

So, after you guys
left yesterday,

Jen came by
and came into the suite,

spit in my face,
put her hands on me.

The cops came here,
said, "Listen.
That's domestic violence."

I go, "I don't want
to press charges."
They go, "It doesn't matter."

They go,
"In the State of Nevada,
the laws have changed,"

that if they get a call
about domestic violence,
the state takes over.

That was last night
at 10:30, 12:00, so--

[Jenni]
Oh, that was last night?

That was last night
while you guys were out.

She [bleep] disappears.

And now Jen is gonna
have a warrant out
for her arrest.

[Snooki]
Oh, my God.

This is like "Jerry Springer,"
"Maury" type [bleep].

Gets worse for her,
not me.

She plans on
getting on a plane

to go to Oklahoma
with my daughter.

As she gets on that plane
to go to Oklahoma,

with the warrant,
that's kidnapping.

And my biggest fear right now
is that she gets in a car
in Oklahoma

and gets pulled over
for a left turn
or some bull[bleep]

and the cop runs her [bleep],
and then she gets arrested.

And 30 cops swarming her?
Having my child?

Like, I don't wanna deal
with that.

I am like-- I don't--
I don't even know what to say.

Like, how did it get
that ugly so quick?

This is the last time
we leave Ronnie home alone.

Ever!

All we gotta do is worry
about getting that baby back.

[Ronnie]
I know, but now I need to--
I don't know what time
her flight is.

She's not responding.

Like, I wanna go
to the house,
but I don't wanna go there,

because she's gonna get
[bleep] crazier.

At this point, I really
don't know what to do.

I'm torn because
she's my baby's mother.

But at the same time,
I don't wanna drag
my daughter through this.

Go there with police.

They can do a wellness check
and intercept,

and then,
by the time you get there,
you can take your child,

and then she can face
what she needs to face.

If the cops get her,
maybe you guys can just
come with me...

[Jenni]
Of course.
...so that we can
pick the baby up.

[Snooki]
Yes!
Yes!

Yes, my niece!I just want--
Yes, Ariana Sky!

[Ronnie]
I'm gonna go get my phone
so I can call
the police department.

Dude, me and Jenni are like,
"Let's go get the baby.
Let's save the day."

Hi, I wanna do a wellness check
on my daughter.

[Jenni]
Oh, my God.

I'm so [bleep] hungover
right now.

I know,
I feel nauseous.I'm gonna throw up.

[Snooki]
But right now, I'm pretty sure

we're still drunk
from last night.

Okay. Should-- Should I
head over that way

just in case the baby
is there?

I don't want the baby
to end up with an officer.

What's going on?It's a nightmare.

I mean, you don't
have to say it again.

We gotta go get the baby.What?

[Ronnie]
Yeah, you guys missed
a lot last night.

My lawyer just texted me,
"Ronnie, just a head's up.

"'Us Weekly' ran a story
about last night,

and she has an active warrant
for her arrest."

[Vinny]
Wow.

And I thought my life was wild.
You know what I mean?

You're taking me for a run
for my monies right now.

[Snooki]
We need to go.We can talk in the car.

[Mike]
All right, let's try to get out
of the house, whoever can.

[Snooki]
Yeah, I wanna--
Let's go get the baby.

I feel like
this isn't real life.
That's how crazy it is.

I'm like, is this real?
Is he kidding?

No, it's real.
It's not good.

[Pauly D]
Again, just don't tell them
that you're with me

'cause I got two active
parking tickets.

[Vinny]
So, we are going
to just chill somewhere

near Ron's baby mom's house
and then just wait
for the cops to call

so that when she gets arrested,
we can scoop up the baby.

[Snooki]
What's the plan?

[Pauly D]
We're gonna go to the--
close by the house.

Oh, God, I can't even believe,

like, this is what's going on
right now.

[Mike]
The squad just needs to be there
for Ron right now.

We're gonna rally around
our boy,

and it is Operation:
Gym-Tan-Where's the Baby?

Yeah, it's not gonna be easy,
but you're gonna have to do

everything by the book,
you know what I mean?

Exactly.
Just go the legal route.

Expect there to be
some hula hoops to jump over

when you're going through
these-- this legal [bleep],
for sure.

[Vinny]
I think you mean "hurdles."

Some hurdles, yes,
thank you.

[Vinny]
I don't know why
we'd jump over hula hoops.

[Snooki]
It smells like a fart.

Someone's farting.[Jenni]
Who farted?

I'm getting little gassies
in the car right now.

Don't you dare.Oh, no.
[Snooki]
Mike, please.

[Jenni]
Please roll down your window.

Jesus Christ.
It stinks!

It's coming back here
through the vents.

[Vinny]
Oh, I think we need to separate.

[Mike]
I cannot go on a stakeout
with an empty stomach.

So we just post up
at this food spot

until we hear
some new development.

We're just waiting
to see what the hell happens.

I have queso here
in case anybody needs any.

This lunch right here
is quite filling.
Mm-hmm.

It's quite filling.

Really, uh, "satchiated"
the palate.

[phone ringing]

Hello?
[Vinny]
Who that?

It's the police officer.[Pauly D]
Police.

Uh, this is Ronald Ortiz.

[Jenni]
Holy [bleep].

I hope he doesn't tell them
about my parking tickets.

Did he?I don't know.

I'm like "[bleep]!"

Like, I don't understand
what the [bleep]

is actually going on,
you know,

because I just want
to see my daughter.

So she doesn't have
a warrant yet?

Yeah, I'm already sitting down
with a lawyer.

[Ronnie]
I'd do anything
to see my daughter,

but right now, it's basically
out of my hands,

so it's like, at this point,
the baby's safe.

I need to just let
the lawyer handle it.

This is why I went to him
and this is why he's involved.

What do you wanna do now?

[Ronnie]
I just think probably
the best decision

for us right now is,
go back to the room

and just let
the cops handle it.

[Mike sighing]

[Pauly D]
Being a parent myself,
I can only imagine

how hard that must be
for Ronnie.

I don't know what I would do
if somebody was trying

to take my kid from me,
so I feel for him.

You guys ready?

Yeah, let's roll out.All right.

It sucks.

You know, me and Jen always get
into altercations,

and we gotta put a stop
to this.

We need stability for Ariana.

She's dealing with chaos
right now around her?

Then the rest of her life's
gonna be chaos,

and I don't want that
for my daughter.

♪♪

[Jenni]
You all right, Ron?

[Mike]
It's definitely painful to watch
the Ron and Jen situation.

I know that he will do anything
for the baby,

and he's really trying
to make this work at all cost,

and maybe to his demise.

♪♪

[Pauly D]
It's...

[Ronnie]
Tee...

[Mike]
Shirt...

[Vinny]
Time!

[Pauly D]
That was a group effort.
I like when we work together.

The dinner before the dinner,
got it.

So it's like the appetizer?

Yeah.

Cool.

[Mike]
We're gonna be late.

[Pauly D]
Yo, check the status
on the girls.

I'm hungry.

I need a dink!

Oh, God!

Yeah.

Is it real quiet over there
at the homestead?

I think she went
on a rampage before.

I have, like,
eight missed calls.

So you haven't spoken to her?

No, I'm not gonna talk
to her, bro.

I'm over it.
Good.

It's good
you're not reacting.

Ronnie actually feels
a little bit better today

'cause he's taking proper steps
that he needs to take

to get his daughter,
so this may be the first time

we go out tonight and actually
have a good time as a family.

She's on a spiral, bro,
and you know what?

Like, a spiral,
what do we say?

It brings everything
around it with it.
Yeah.

That's what she's on, bro,
and I can't.

Like, I gotta let her
just... spiral.

I just don't know, tonight,
before we head out,

if I yell, "Cabs are here,"
or "The cops are here!"

You're an a*s[bleep]!

[laughter]

[Ronnie]
Crazy day with the roommates.

I mean, what else is new
at a Shore house, right?

Wouldn't be a Shore house

unless there was chaos,
madness, and fun.

Let's go do a thing.
Ron, Vin, come on!

[Ronnie]
But got through the chaos,
got through the madness.

Love everyone for their support.

Make the best of tonight.
Know what I mean?

Elevators are here!

♪♪

[Pauly D]
Probably "Cops."

No, that's Ron's house.

Ooh!
Oh, wow, man.

Game.
"Besmudgeries."

He can yell, "Cops are here,"
but I say one thing...

Exactly.
The way is the delivery.

Yeah, the delivery
was [bleep] rude!

So morbid.Oh, my God!

Ronnie is making the right steps
towards being in a better place.

You know, he's smiling
and laughing again,

and after this long,
stressful day,
we need a nice dinner,

so we are all going out
to VooDoo lounge steakhouse

on top of the Rio hotel.

We gotta go
in two different ones.

Oh, [bleep].
You can see the outside.

The elevator in the Rio
that goes up

to the VooDoo lounge is insane.

Whoa, I can't look
at that [bleep].

You're going up, like,


I am afraid of heights, but,
I mean, it's an elevator,

so I'm okay.
[chuckles]

Dude, dude!
No!

Turn around!
Turn around!

Stop!
Turn around!

Stop it, stop it!
Turn around!
Look, look, look!

Stop! I'm gonna freak out!
Stop it, stop!

Oh, my God.

This is a ride.
Look!

Jenni, stop being dramatic.
It's beautiful.

We're not gonna fall out.

No way.
Is that the zipline?
[Pauly D]
Oh, wow.

[Jenni]
Hell no!

You can see Planet Hollywood
from here.

This restaurant is really dope.
The best part about it is,
they have a zipline.

It's, like, from one building
to the other.

It goes super fast, and you
can see all of Las Vegas.

I love stuff like this,
but first things first,
we wanna get some dinner.

Stupendous.
Ooh, yass!

Looking at this menu,
and I'm like,

"This is right
in my wheelhouse
right here."

I'm gonna have to really,
um, indulge here.

[Vinny]
Why don't let me
handle it?

[Pauly D]
Listen, it's the weekend.

Let my man live.[Mike]
Yass!

No, it's not that.
You can get bad food, but--

Don't worry about
what he's eating.

So much to choose
from here today.

I'm gonna do
the "manage a toise."

Can I put something
on top of that steak?

I'll try the horseradish
garlic crust.

Did we get
VooDoo fries yet?You did not.

I would like some VooDoo fries.
What about the mac and cheese?

Did we get mac and cheese yet?Oh, Jesus!

Let's get the lobster
mac and cheese as well.

Literally ordering everything.All right, I'm good.

My heart hurts
every time you order.

[Vinny]
Mine too.

So, guys, Vinny already knows,
but I have to step out tomorrow.

I gotta DJ.

You're leaving us?Yeah, for a day.

You gotta hold down
the fort without me.Where you going?

Atlantic City.And then there were five.

Pauly's not even gone yet
and I already miss him.

I don't know what
I'm gonna do without him.

All right, guys,
I wanna do, like, a toast.

[Mike]
Yass.

And just say, you know,
thank you, guys, for being here,

and, you know, pushing me
to do the right thing.

I usually say I'm gonna do this
and do this,

and I become a [bleep]
when it comes to Jen.[Vinny]
No.

So, I know it's [bleep] timing,

but it's like perfect timing
at the same time, you know?

[Pauly D]
Yeah, it worked out.So, thank you, guys.

Yeah, no doubt.
We got your back.We love you, Ron.

Cheers, salud!
Salud!

Try to turn it
all around.

Yeah, buddy!
Say, "Go, Ronnie!"New Ronnie.

[Pauly D]
I'm really happy and thankful

that we're actually here
for Ronnie in the time

that he actually needed it
the most,

'cause if we weren't here
for this vacation,

there's no telling
what he would've done.

I'm gonna skip out
on the ziplining.
[Jenni]
Same.

But, you know, maybe
you guys should do it

while we're at dinner.

I'm down.[Mike]
Let's do it.

[Pauly D]
I wanna do it.

Oh, God,
my tummy hurts already.

I wanna do it.[Ronnie]
I wanna do it.

Now is a good time for Ronnie
to get his mind off

of everything that he's been
going through

and do Vegas right.

[Ronnie laughing]

Aah!
[laughing]

Holy [bleep].You put your life in this.

[Vinny]
Yo, we're on the 50th floor.

[Ronnie]
It's been a crazy couple days,
and you know what?

I just wanna enjoy
my roommates

and my family's company
and have a nice, relaxing night.

I don't know
about this anymore.

Seemed like
a really good idea
at the time!

Whoo!

[both]
Ohh!

Yeah!

Viva Las Vegas![bleep]!

Make the ride stop!

Oh, my God, that was crazy!Oh, my God!

Why did we go faster
right there?

Mike! Aah!
Oh, my God!

Mike, open your eyes,
[bleep] damn it!

Oh, my God!

Oh, it's pretty! Aah!Look how fast.

[Vinny]
Ronnie's relationship drama
is behind us,

and we are having
a blast tonight.

[laughter]

We are officially drama-free.

Oh, this is gonna look so good
with my new boobs.

I love this.
This is amazing.

After our little lunch meeting,
Nicole invited me to Vegas.

I'm actually able
to take off of work,

so I can't wait to hang out
with the Shore family.

Chris! Come here.[Chris]
Yeah?

I'm cool with them now, so--
not everybody, but some.

So, hopefully,
when I get down there,
[bleep]'s gonna be okay.

Yeah, at least this time
you're invited.

By Nicole.
Yeah, so what?

Jenni is not gonna be
too happy to see me.Oh, yeah, well...

She just has something
against me.

Listen, jealousy is
a sick disease.

I'd be jealous of me, too.

They're all,
"We're family, we're--"

Okay, we all get it.
You guys are a family.

How many times do you
wanna tell me this,
like 700 [bleep] times?

Vinny. "You're not part
of the family.

You're-- You know, when you
come in, it's like a bad vibe."

You know what, Vinny?
[bleep] you!
That's how I feel.

I'm disgusted
that I friggin' even--

I don't even remember
banging him.
That's how bad it was.

So go at 'em
and [bleep].

And Jenni,
I don't care how big she is.

She's like, "I'm the mom
of the house. I'm mommy."

No, you're not the mom!
You're mom to your two kids!

You're not a mom
to [bleep] 30-year-olds.

What's wrong with you?

I'm not gonna let Jenni

[bleep] with me at all
this time around.

I'm a little bit stronger than
she thinks,

and I feel like even if she once
called me a chew toy

from back in the day,
no, I'm not a chew toy,

and I'm never gonna be
her chew toy.

I'm ready to go now that I'm
[bleep] riled up right now.

[Chris laughing]

♪ So if I need it all
to be restored ♪

♪ Could I sabotage it
any more? ♪

♪ 'Cause I put my head
into boxes again... ♪♪

I'm gonna try to be
a little quiet right now,

'cause I don't wanna wake
everybody up.

It's really early right now.
Gotta catch a flight.

DJ Pauly D is on tour,

and the "DJ" before my name
means I have to DJ.

Hmm? Oh.

I'm gonna miss you so much!

What a time to leave right now.
Ronnie is in the middle of it.

I don't know what
I'm gonna walk into

when I come back
on Sunday morning.

But it's the weekend.
What really could go on?

Come on, Pauly, you ready?

Come on, bro.

I don't wanna forget Pauly.

I take one of his Pauly D
stickers with his head on it

and I put it on his hair gel,
and I give it, like, some arms

with, like, the h* earrings
that were left behind,

and I make, like,
a little voodoo doll of Pauly

so I can take him with me
everywhere I go while he's gone.

What do you want
to do today, though?

[Pauly D]
Pool party! Yeah!

Yeah!

Dude, we only went
to that pool party once.

You know, I wanna, like,
experience a pool party
one more time.

We going to breakfast
first, though?
[Pauly D]
Yeah, buddy!

[Vinny imitating Pauly D]
Yo, DJ Pauly D here,

coming at you
on the ones and twos.

We're in Vegas this morning.
It's a little rough out here.

So breakfast,
maybe haircut,
maybe pool?

All right,
good plan, bro.

[Pauly D]
Oh, yeah!

Morning.
Mornings.

You wanna do
a band workout with me?

I wanna try
a new breakfast spot.

[Snooki]
Yeah, I'm over that place.

I wanna go there, like, drunk.Wanna go next-door?

I'll go anywhere.

We wanna go to Paris
for breakfast, oui-oui?

Comment-allez vous?
Bonjour!

What?
Me...

Pfft! What?
That sounds Spanish.

No, I know French,
b*tch.

Bonjour.

[microwave beeping] Comment-allez vous?

[speaking gibberish]

That sounded like Spanish...

No, I swear I know French....German--

I learned it from a Mary-Kate
and Ashley movie

when they went to Paris, okay?

[Snooki]
So, I'm really excited to go
to brunch in France today.

It should be a good time.
I hope they have nice drinks.

I'm living my best life
right now.

We're going to Paris, b*tches!

Oui-oui,that's all I know.

What are we doings?

We wanna go to Paris
for breakfast.

Okay, let's do it.Do you know how
to speak Paris?

French?French?!

You don't have
a passport,
though, do you?

I definitely don't.
[both laughing]

They took that [bleep],
like, years ago.

Mike's not allowed in Paris.

Mike, you can't come.I know.

Because of Mike's legal issue,

he's not really allowed
to leave the country.

So, this hotel is gonna be
as close as he's gonna get.

Would you be a fugitive
if you go?
I don't know.

Big Daddy Sitch is just
not allowed in Paris,
you know.

Canada won't take me
right now either.

Canada?
Yeah.

They're so nice,
though.
They are so nice,

but they just don't
let my kind in.

[both laughing]

Ooh!

Oh... [bleep]!

Wait a minute, Nicole![Snooki]
[bleep]!

[bleep].
Holy [bleep].

Jesus take me!

I just got the text
in the bathroom

that Angelina is on her way.

Jesus, give me strength.
Ohh!

We're down a meatball.

Even though she's not
a meatball.

She's like a meatloaf.

Like, oh, you know,
we have nothing in the fridge.

I'm starving.
Let's just pop in a meatloaf.

Like, once in a while
you might want it.
That's Angelina.

I think we should go
to the wedding chapel

and have Vinny marry
Little Pauly.

No?
Yeah.

Okay.

[Snooki]
I was just trying to be nice.

[bleep] me.
I should just always be a b*tch.

[bleep] this [bleep].

I'm out!

What happened now?
[moaning]
I don't know.

What happened now?

They're gonna hate me for this.

Wait, wait.Hold on, hold on.

Anything that you can say
in front of me you can say
in front of Pauly.

I wanted to bring you
to the wedding chapel
so you can marry Pauly.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

And then,
when he comes home,

he's married
and he has no idea.

Wait, I have news, guys.What do you think?

They should get married today.[Snooki]
I'm freaking out.

And then when he-- when Pauly
comes home, he's married.

The [bleep]?Let's maybe like--

We don't have to go
to the actual chapel.

Mike, Angelina's
on her way.

Get the [bleep]
out of here.

Wait, what?I just said that!

[Jenni]
Wait, what?
[Ronnie]
What?!

[Jenni]
Wait, you're--
Like, you're serious?

Yeah, she texted me, "All right,
I got time off from work.

I'm taking off right now.
See you tonight."

Wow.I hate you, Nicole.

Oh, my God!
That's it.

We're all going out
without Nicole.

I can't deal with that
on top of everything else.

We've already been through
so much here.

I can't picture any more drama.

It's like throwing more gasoline
onto the fire.

Who invited her
is what I want to know.

I was trying
to be nice!

This is the worst vacation ever.

[whining]

♪♪

[Snooki]
Angelina's on her way.

Who invited her
is what I wanna know.

I was trying to be nice!

[whining]
Yeah.

I'm annoyed at Nicole
for inviting Angelina.

Like, this b*tch is annoying.

Like, why are you
doing this to us?

Is she gonna start [bleep]?

She wanted to see
you guys again

to, like, talk about
the [bleep]...[bleep] it.

...that happened.
And then I was like--

Are you rubbing
your pee-pee on me?

That's my leg![bleep]!

I didn't know
your leg was there!

Oh, my God!I'm sorry.

I didn't know
your leg was there,
and, you know...

You're disgusting.

Sorry. Big Daddy Sitch
will remove himself.

Oh, my God,
go romance yourself.

I'm trying to have
a serious moment
with the roomies,

and Mike's just,
you know, being Mike,

and he's being creepy on Jenni

and rubbing his bishi
all over her.

Like, you cheated, bro!

[Ronnie]
I'm just saying.

'Cause they got their
little beef to settle up.

[Snooki]
Instagram beef.

I forgot about
that Jersey wh*re.

Jersey wh*re.

Show 'em the beef.Let me show 'em the beef.

Hot off the grill.Can you see it?
Can you see?

It says "Jersey wh*re."
Yes.

[Mike]
Directed and tagged
by Angelina...

[both]
...to Jenni...

[Mike]
...calling her
a Jersey wh*re.

And a hater.
And a hater.

And "Jealousy is
a disease."

Ooh!
This is real beef.

I'm pretty sure Angelina
had the diseases covered.

Ohh!
Mmm, yeah.

I mean, where the [bleep]
is she gonna stay?

There's no beds.Well, listen.

The prank w*r champion
has just left.

No!What happens--

What happens if,
when he returns tomorrow...

We get him back....we get him back
and he's in--

she's in her bed--
in his bed?

That's next to me.

That makes Vinny suffer.

Vinny slept with her![all groaning]

I [bleep] her.
I don't wanna be
her roommate.

The bright idea
to kind of prank Pauly

definitely backfires on me
'cause now I have to sleep

in the room with Angelina
until he comes back.

I have to share a bathroom
with her.

For some reason,
these Angelina pranks

always end up in my room,
in my bathroom.

Well, I'm getting
anxieties right now.
Same.

I was, like, shaking.
I couldn't even put
my eyelashes on.

Let's go get some foods.
Let's take Pauly with us
and get some food.

Come on, Pauly!

Angelina's coming
and I gotta just see the vibes.

I like my inner peace.

I don't wanna see
the angry side.

Don't look at me
like that.

Ohh, it's just too much.

I gotta, like,
Namaste this [bleep].

Let's enjoy
our last meal, guys.

[Snooki]
I'm hoping Jenni will give
Angelina another chance,

and if not,
this is gonna be a [bleep] show.

I think we're at
a haunted mansion.
She's gonna pop out.

Yes!

Here we go.
What's up?

I'm ready for Vegas
and I'm ready to have fun.

I can't wait to hang out
with the Shore family.

Hey, I hope everybody greets me

with, like, open arms,
but we'll see.

♪ Better check your eyes ♪♪

♪♪

Oh, oh,
we're going to Hexx?

[Ronnie]
Vin, they know
there's six of us, right?

Yeah, we need
an extra chair for Pauly.

For Pauly.

[Snooki]
Hi, Pauly!

[Vinny]
He needs a menu, too.

You gonna order for your boo?Here you go, Pauly.

So you're seeing
your lawyer today.

Yeah.What is that about?

I'm gonna start filing
a custody plan.Great.

[Jenni]
I feel like we're finally
getting somewhere good.

Ron's sitting next to me.
He's got an appointment

with his lawyer today.
He looks happy.

I'm gonna have to eat it
for a little bit.

Figure it out.That's-- It's all about
the baby, anyway.

That's where the baby is.
That's where the baby lives.
That's the baby's house.

[Jenni]
But Angelina is literally
on her way to Vegas.

Like, [bleep]'s about
to get ugly real quick.

[cell phone beeps]

Hey, Nicole, it's Angelina.

I just landed in Vegas
and I'm on my way to you,

so I will see you soon.

And you better be getting
your drink on with me today.

Good-bye!

How epic would it be
if I brought home

two girls today,
one for me and one for Pauly?

[Snooki]
Yes!
And this girl just had
to sit there with...

[Snooki]
Do it.

That's about the size
of yours, right?

So, it fits.[Vinny]
Yeah, exactly.

Seriously.No!

It's not, like, gigantic,

but it has a good proportion
of width and length.

You know what I'm saying?
So it makes it, like, solid.

It's like a solid--It's a solid contender.

Eww!

Nicole is just like,
"Change the subject!"

My son just found his p*nis,
and he's like, "What is this?"

And he grabs it and stuff.
And I'm like, "Ugh!"

Yeah, he pulls it, right?
They pull it.

[Jenni]
Yes!
[Vinny]
Oh, to masturbate?

Oh, best-- best day ever.
Probably the best day
of my life.

[Mike]
You started
to figure it out.

[Snooki]
How old were you?

[Mike]
Like 12 or 13.

There starts to be, like,
a tingle, and you're like--

you're like,
"What's happening?"

And you're like,
"I wanna romance myself."Yeah.

Yeah, when I was like 12,
I tried to hump, like,

a bathroom rug to see,
like, what would happen.

Mike just changed
the term "rug burn" forever.

And it kind of hurt
a little bit,

but there were certain times
that it felt good.

And what--
what happened?

Eventually, I was able
to make it happen.[Vinny]
Yeah, yeah.

But I didn't know
that you could, like--

You humped a rug?

That you could [bleep].
I didn't know.

Mike's first session
with himself was humping a rug.

I can see that.
I feel like he still does it.

The rug was probably
my best friend that year.

[chuckling]

Oh, of course not.

[Snooki]
Wow!

What did you order?
Pauly, can I have your fork?

Oh, yeah.Thanks, Pauly.

♪ I'm still independent ♪

♪ I don't have a life
but still winning ♪

♪ So you better pay attention
'cause it's all intuition ♪

♪ Still grinding,
gotta get it, yeah... ♪♪

Hi.

The reservation is under,
um, Polizzi.

Can you spell
that out for me?

P-o-l-i-z-z-i,
I think.

One second.

Really?
Mike "The Situation"?

Yeah.

I mean...
Are you sure?

DJ Pauly D?

I'm so aggravated right now.

[exhales]

You gotta be kidding me.

Like how?
How does this happen to me?

I'm really starting to think,
like, I am a big joke.

And it's not cool.

Standing here like a moron.

♪♪

What did you order?

Yes.

Wow, these French fries
are good.

I'm so aggravated right now.

[phone chiming]

[Jenni]
Yum.

She just texted me.

[Vinny]
What'd she say?

"Hey, guys, I'm here.
Where are you?

"What the [bleep]?
I don't get this. Ugh.

You told me to come here,
and I'm standing here
like a moron."

[sighing]

You never said
when you were landing.[phone chiming]

Oh! She said, "Hello!"Here we go!

"What the hell?
Where are you?"We are at brunch.
Oh, she sounds psycho!

Yo, I called it.
I told you.

I told you she's
gonna be like this.

Why did I invite this girl?

Like, girl, just relax,
because we've been through
a lot of [bleep].

She's coming in hot.

This is so [bleep] up,
it's not even funny.

What a psycho.

Legit.
That's not normal.

Can't wait for JWoww
to fight Angelina today!

[Snooki]
No!

I am not ruining my life
over her.

Angelina coming in hot
can go both ways.

It can go like,
"I'ma handle that,"

but at the same time,
I am so [bleep] tired

from Ron's [bleep], like, b*tch,
don't try me, honestly.

All right, guys, I'm gonna go.
My guy's here.

[Vinny]
All right,
good luck, homie.

[Snooki]
Good luck, Ron!

All right, brother.
Good luck, man.

[Ronnie]
I mean, meeting with the lawyer
or meeting with Angelina?

I'd go meet nine lawyers
before I wanna see one Angelina.

"What floor are you guys on?
And I will meet you
by the elevators."

Floor what, 32?32?

I thought it was 36.

[Mike]
No, 36.

[laughing]We can go. Let's go.

All right, let's go,
let's get out of here.

Don't forget your hoodie, babe.Please.

[Mike]
[bleep] is about to go down.

♪♪

As we're getting closer
to our suite,

we can see Angelina
at any time.

[Mike]
Yo, I don't know if I'm ready
to deal with this right now.

Guys, let's say
a little prayer.Love you guys.

Let's get ready for battle.I don't know what
we're walking into.

Yes.
Battle! Whoo!Battle.

[Vinny]
I don't need this drama
in my life.

Like, Ron has enough drama.
The girls have drama.

[Snooki]
I'm nervous, I feel like
I'm gonna pee my pants.

I just hope Jenni
doesn't k*ll Angelina.

She's coming in so hot.

I mean, this could be
a nightmare.

♪♪

[Mike]
You know she's gonna be
extra as hell.

[Jenni]
Wow.

[overlapping shouting]

[Snooki]
Oh, hey!
Hey!

What's up?
Hey, what's up?

Hey, what's up?Just kidding.

What, are you gonna give me
a high-five?

You the [bleep], girl.What's up?

Welcome to Vegas.Hey, what's up?

How are you?
Good to see you.

Why are you holding me?
It's fine.
[both]
Hey.

Hey, girl!

Are you gonna be nice
to my friend?

We have things
that we have
to sort out.

[both]
Ohh!

You can still
say hi to her!

Oh, we're starting already?

Like, we're not even
in the room yet.

We're in public area...

Whoa!
...where, like,
anybody can see us,

and you're talking [bleep]
already, girl? Mm-mm.

This is my girl, right here,
this is my girl.It's a wonderful day

'cause we're actually dealing
with family [bleep].Like what?

You wouldn't know
'cause you're not
part of the family.

[screaming]

[Jenni]
Round one.

Aah!

Oh, my God, it's happening!

Angelina, what the [bleep]
are you doing?

Oh, my God!

♪ Maybe there's more to you
than meets the eye ♪♪

It's fine, [bleep],
'cause we're actually dealing

with family [bleep].Like what?

You wouldn't know
'cause you're not part
of the family.

[screaming]

Are you [bleep] serious?
Or is it gonna be like,

"Stay and get
your a*s beat again"?

Oh, my God!

Really?Oh, my God!

All right, all right,
all right.
You just started.

Let's sort this out
in the room.
Come on, guys.

Come on, let's sort this out
in the room.The [bleep] is wrong
with you, Mike, seriously?

What's with all the hostility?"Um, hello!"

[Vinny]
At least the silver lining

to all this madness
with Angelina is that it's

kind of like a weird distraction
from all the drama

that's been going on here
with Ron.

We weren't expecting this.No, we have [bleep]
to sort out, like, bad.

Like, no [bleep] joke.Yeah, but come on.
Take a second.

[Snooki]
Girl, you could've
said hi to her.

Hi!
Look, Pauly--

But I'm not part
of the family, though,

which is like
a [bleep]...

Ugh!If I keep hearing
that [bleep]

I'm gonna be dead
by the time I'm done.

[Jenni]
Match, ding ding ding!
You started it when I
walked out the elevator.

No, I did not.

This time around,
I'm not gonna sit there

and be like her little
chew toy anymore.

Like, I'm gonna
come back at you.

That's just how it is.

Welcome.Come in.

[Mike]
Come on in, guys.

Oh, it's really nice.Welcome to our casa.

[Mike]
Beautifuls.

Really nice.Yes.

This is the suite.
You can leave your
stuff there for now.

We'll figure out--

[Snooki]
Do you wanna-- Mike, do you
wanna show her to her room?

Figure everything out.Where's my room?

Here, come here.
I'll bring you to your room.

[Snooki]
Ooh, they're
gonna have sex.

Here's your room.

You're disgusting,
you a*s[bleep]!

Go in there.
Get-- Don't be
an a*s[bleep].

This is your little
hamster cage!

[Vinny]
I wanna put the dirty little
hamster in the stripper shower

because it looks like a little
hamster cage, you know.

Put a little wheel in there,
a little water bottle.

[imitates hamster drinking]

Where's my tequila?[Snooki]
He's pushing her!

He's pushing her!They're fighting.

[bleep] idiot!She's already started!

Did you just slap me
in the face?

That's as*ault!
I just got assaulted!

He just hit her!
She hit him!

She hit him?

What the [bleep], bro?
Like a dirty hamster

just smacking me
with her [bleep] hands
in a Vegas suite.

I just got assaulted!
Where's the lawyer?

I'm allergic to hamsters.

She just-- b*tch just
slapped me in the face.

I swear to God.

[Jenni]
It took five seconds.
Swear?

What the [bleep]
did I do?

This is not what I wanted
to happen.

I wanted her to come in
and be the Angelina

that I enjoy hanging out with,
and she's being
the total opposite.

She, like, starts drama
and she's delusional.

Ohh!Ha ha!

I've been assaulted!
I don't feel good!

Oh, my God,
with the assaulting.

He tried to put me
in a shower.

Oh, now I have to sleep
in the same bed as her
after she assaulted me?

Pauly, this is
[bleep] up, bro.

Pauly got slapped.
I got slapped.

Yo, Pauly, we're a part
of the same crew new, bro,

the Angelina Slapping Crew.

This right here
is Vinny's room,

and we have one bed left,
which this would be
where you are.

Next to Vinny?

Yeah, it's the only one
that's left right now.

You gotta be
[bleep] kidding me.

Yeah, so don't worry.
It'll be fun.

Mike!
I know, I know.

[Mike]
It it only right that I prank

the prank w*r champion with
Angelina.

Pauly's not gonna
like this.

I can't sleep
next to this kid!

I know, I know.

Well, you guys already
slept with each other
back in the day, so...

Oh, my God!
I don't wanna-- Please!

Just saying.
This--

I don't wanna
be reminded.

Excuse me.
Can you apologize?

Do I really have
to sleep next to
you right now?

Can you apologize?
You just slapped me
in the face.

All right, well,
you apologize for almost
putting me in a shower.

It was a joke.
It's a shower.

[Mike]
Things got physical.
I seen it.

You think it's funny,
and, like,

I'm gonna have to take it?

No. Don't [bleep] with me.

Whatever, who cares?

Don't try to--
Don't try to like--

No, no, I took you
into the shower,

worst thing in the world, you
got it.

He's trying already.
This guy's trying already.

What? Shut up, you [bleep]
pink and yellow Starburst.

No, but he's-- he's
being real, though.
Like, you know--

No, he's [bleep] with you!
He's [bleep] in the middle--

He's in the middle
[bleep] egging it--

[laughing]
Egging it on!

[Mike]
Having Angelina in the mix

is actually sort of
entertaining to watch,

and I'm anxious to see
what the future holds.

Yesss!

Vinny's gonna make
a big deal about me
slapping him in the face,

but at the end of the day,
he started with me,

so, like, you know...

No, he-- Well, I understand
where you're coming from.

I just think that he thinks
you came in a little hot.

[Mike]
I feel comfortable giving
Angelina some advice.

Right now, Angelina's
a little bit awkward.

She has just got here.
She came in real hot,

and she definitely
was feisty, but I also think

that she got that
out of her system,

so now the rest
of the vacation,

you know, may be able
to simmer down.

I want you to show people
who you really are.

You know what I mean?Yeah, no, I know, I like--

Stick up for yourself
to a certain extent,

but don't come for people.
You're fine.

I know.
He's not gonna let it
go, though, but...

Just get--
Put something on.

We're gonna try to go down
to the pool downstairs.

All right,
I'm gonna change.

[Mike]
She needs to
calm herself down a bit

and just take the high road
and to be positive.

Where's Ron?

He's, uh, taking care
of some personal business
that you don't know about.

Yeah, Ron's handling
some personal business.

Eventually, the group
will warm up to her,

and I think
she understands this.

Where's the alcohol?
I wanna party.

[Snooki]
You want a drink?
Mm-hmm.

[Mike]
You want a drink?

Jenni, do you wanna
make me a drink?

No, I do not wanna
make you a drink.

[laughing]
Why?

Make it your damn [bleep] self.
It's right over there.

Make-- Couldn't you
make me a drink?

No, b*tch, I'm not
making you a drink.

b*tch.
Yeah, I'm not
making you a drink.

That's not cool.

What the [bleep]?
Angelina, what are you doing?

I'm at a loss for words.

My mind is just--
is just blown.

It's not cool.
You came in here
acting all hard.

You smacked Vinny.
You said you were
gonna take a dump--

'Cause he's putting me
to the [bleep]-- He's
putting me inside a shower.

It's a joke!

[Vinny]
I don't know if we're gonna
see a catfight tonight,

but there is
something brewing

between Jenni and Angelina
right now.

We're in for a long night.