♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
Believe me, Mrs Chambers,
you have my deepest sympathy.
I know what you must be feeling.
Do you, Mr Wiseman?
Of course, my dear. Your husband Joe
wasn't just an employee.
He was also a very close personal
friend.
Really?
He never said.
Oh, yes. Well, that was Joe, wasn't it?
You know what I mean, though.
Discreet, loyal, shtum.
A nice man,
God rest his soul.
Believe me, he's a great loss.
A tragedy.
I er... I trust you
had him well insured.
Yes. There is a policy.
Yes, well, a person has to protect
theirselves against the wicked tricks of fate.
Very sensible.
One of us had to be.
I'll take care of the funeral
expenses, help organise things.
It's the least I can do.
I just want to help.
And a man should be laid to rest
with dignity.
Dead?
Well and truly.
An old furry pancake.
Needed a shovel
to lift him off the road.
What do you expect?
you can't argue with.
I bet the wife's upset.
You'd think he was human the way
she's going off.
- They get attached, don't they?
- Yeah.
WIDOW: I hope this isn't going to
take long.
A small formality, my dear.
All you have to do
is sign a few papers
and leave everything to me.
Don't worry.
You got a meeting
or something?
No, just wondered where Terry is.
He's usually in here by now.
Well. He pulled that blonde sort
last night. After you left.
- He's probably sleeping late.
- Sleeping!
I don't know how he does it.
The boy's obsessed with crumpet.
I think he's after
the Queen's Award For Industry.
And it drains his strength.
Interferes with business.
Got no consideration at all.
What were you doing when you were
- That is not the point, Dave.
- Isn't it?
You know, Terry,
as lovers go,
you're not too bad.
Hm! Yeah, well, I practise a lot.
On my own, you know.
Anyway, I thought we were gonna have
a bath before we did all this.
That's right, yeah...
Yes, madam, you're quite right.
We were gonna have a bath.
But you get the end with the taps.
My hero!
I'm sorry we can't accommodate your
late husband here on the premises,
Mrs Chambers, but as you can see,
we are rather full.
Well, I don't know what
I'M supposed to do about it.
I can't have him at home.
My mother's staying.
She and my husband
hated each other.
To have him lying around the house
yet again would be too intolerable.
Perhaps we should try
somewhere else.
Forgive me, Mrs Chambers,
but this is not the kind of thing
you shop around for, my dear.
And Mr Medhurst here does a lovely
funeral, believe me.
- Meadhurst.
- Forgive me.
He's already handling the arrangements
for bringing Joe,
God rest his soul,
back into the country.
Yes, but what about the body?
That's not a problem.
I will arrange a dignified place
of temporary rest.
What are friends for?
I want you to drive me back to the office
and then take Mrs Chambers home.
She's standing it, then?
You think I make a living by being
a bad judge of people?
- She's a million.
- Yeah, but... Arthur Daley...
Intellectuals I should trust.
Geezers with nous.
Now. Listen, Randolf, if you wanna
make a crust in this wicked world,
always use mugs.
Take my word for it.
We're surrounded by them.
What about Incapable?
Yes, well, er...
When you dump the grieving widow,
go find him
before his liver winds up in
a bottle.
Oh. I'm so terribly
sorry, madam.
Oh, God!
Would I could make contact with Him,
madam!
If perchance you have his ear,
so to speak,
perhaps you could say a few words on
my behalf.
You're disgusting!
I'll have you know I was once
a professional man of some repute!
A Fellow of the Royal College
of Surgeons.
Arthur?
It's for you.
- Monty Wiseman.
- Monty Wiseman?
Hello, Monty.
Yeah.
Of course.
You know me. I'm always ready
to discuss a bit of business.
Yeah, sure. Where?
All right, yeah.
I'll drop in.
Agh! I thought you said it was warm!
Ohh!
Where's the step?
Monty, you can't be serious!
I'm serious already.
You think I brought you here
to tell jokes?
- Randolf, open the door.
- I can't see!
Whatever.
What's the matter?!
Urgh!
I don't think I feel very well.
I'm not surprised.
Look at you. Look at you.
You're an affront to nature.
A bottle on some laboratory shelf
you'll end up in.
That may well be, but my brain
is in very good condition.
Then have the good sense
to have a trade.
So much money you got, you couldn't
use a grand for a few hours' graft?
Grand?
- Do you want to haggle?
- Um, well, no, no,
but there are...
one or two things to... consider.
Cash? Readies in the hand. No VAT.
What's to consider?
Well, it is a bit...
erm...
Why can't YOU handle, well,
not handle, but... deal with it?
Well, it's the wife.
Nervous disposition.
I mean, a thing like that
lying around the house.
You understand.
It's not nice.
Anyway,
Joe she didn't know.
Oh, he's not a relation, then?
He's not even the same religion.
But if he's not a relation,
why are you... You know...
Well, a close personal friend.
No family.
What could I do, Arthur?
A man must be laid to rest
with dignity.
Dignity?
In my lock-up?
Well, he won't be complaining,
will he?
Arthur.
Last time I saw legs like that, one
of them had a message tied to it.
[CATS SCREECH]
♪ So why don't you give me a break
♪ How many more can I take?
♪ How we should break up
♪ I'm tired of making up
while you've been making out
♪ With someone else's
♪ Make-up
♪ I suppose it should be
heartbreak time
♪ But funny thing, I'm feeling fine
♪ Baby, give it to me
♪ One more time ♪
Oi!
Are you over 18?
Terry!
What are you doing HERE?
Looking for YOU, my son.
And searching for culture.
♪ Lipstick
You've come to the right place
for both, haven't you?
- Do you want a drink?
- Need one, Terry. Need one.
♪ With someone else's lipstick
♪ Oh, someone else's lipstick ♪
Good, aren't they?
Terry, some people have opinions,
others have taste.
I belong to the latter.
Hey, isn't that the bird you pulled
in the Winchester last night?
Oh, been talking to Dave,
have you?
No, I didn't pull her, no.
She pulled ME.
I tell you something,
singing is not the only thing
she's good at.
- Ta.
- On the slate.
♪ And it sticks,
so you better pick up... ♪
Are you all right?
Or have you got a problem?
No. No. No problem.
Just a little job I want you
to help me with.
Help?
Or do it for you, eh?
Go on, Nance!
Help. Assist. Hey.
Give a hand. Remember?
[CHEERING]
Great. Come here.
- Get some of that down you.
- Thanks.
Well done, my dear.
- You're Arthur, right?
- Such is my name.
I'm sorry. I thought it was Arthur.
It IS Arthur.
- So who's Such?
- Pardon?
[TERRY SNORTS]
Terry, what is happening?
I seem to be missing something.
No, not at all.
- Come on, what about this job?
- [ARTHUR CLEARS THROAT]
Don't be daft.
Spit it out.
We've got to go to the airport
tomorrow
and collect...
- Pick someone up.
- Someone who's flying in?
Um, who will have been flown in,
yeah.
That's no problem.
You've got your motor.
It's not that. It's a...
bit more complicated.
You see, he's um...
a bit incapacitated.
Oh, an invalid!
Yeah, you could say invalid, yeah.
- Wheelchair job, is it?
- No, no, no. Not wheelchair,
but he is very, very ill.
How ill?
Could say, terminally.
Terminally?
Well, to be really accurate,
I mean, precise,
he's dead.
First, I make a central incision in
the abdominal wall.
That is, of course,
unless my hand slips.
[MUTTERS]
Then I open up the peritoneum.
And having completed
my examination,
I move the offending organ.
And then...
- Here, have you seen Incapable?
- No.
You?
Seen Incapable?
Dossers!
Now. Let me get this straight.
Monty Wiseman is paying you £500
to collect a dead mate of his,
and you are gonna keep the body
in your slaughter?
You can't turn down that kind of dough,
Terry.
If I didn't know you,
I'd think it was a wind-up.
No, no, it's serious.
- Yeah, dead serious!
- Yeah. Oh, Terry, please!
Monty Wiseman ain't got any friends.
I mean, he's so crooked, he'd nick
the rings from under his mother's eyes!
If he's parting with a monkey,
there's got to be a catch.
So young, yet so cynical.
The man is a close personal friend.
Even the Monty Wisemans of this world
are entitled to a moment of genuine grief.
Look. If he was grieving, he wouldn't be
dumping his friend in your slaughter, would he?
It is not a slaughter.
It's a warehouse, Terry.
An unfortunate term
in the circumstances.
One of us must be drunk!
It's all within the law,
legal and proper. I tell you.
But that Monty Wiseman...
The people he knows,
the places. I mean...
He could have dumped his friend
anywhere, couldn't he?
- Why pick on us?
- Trust, I suppose.
It terns.
Plain, simple trust.
Well, I don't know
where else to look.
Because he could be anywhere,
could he?
He's got to go back to that
filthy khazi he lives in sometimes.
You go back to there and
hang about till he shows up.
Leave off, Monty!
I'll probably catch something.
Have you seen it?
It's the only way.
Erm... Listen, Darling,
your sums are atrocious.
This booking would cost me money!
What the matter with you?
Listen, are you sure about all this?
Wendel, possession is nine points
of the law, right?
So they say.
So, if we run into a little difficulty,
who's in possession?
- Arthur.
- Right.
- Looks shut.
- What?
Maybe it's been a bad month
for deaths.
Terry!
I'm not sure what their
opening hours are.
What did this geezer die of,
anyway?
Heart attack
on a boat
on the way to Malta.
According to Monty.
That's why the...
departed has got to be flown back
so that his mortal remains
can repose somewhere
till Monty makes arrangements
for the funeral.
Yeah, but shouldn't his mortal remains
repose in a place like this?
Yeah, well, perhaps... perhaps
there's other company in there.
Or perhaps Monty wants to mourn in private.
I don't know.
- Mr Midhurst?
- Meadhurst, yes. Can I help you?
- Yes, are you the owner?
- The funeral director, yes.
I'm Mr Daley.
Oh, yes. Mr Wiseman did ring and
explain things.
Will you come in a minute.
I'll just get the coat and the papers.
It's all right.
We're not open yet.
Only the walking allowed.
Will you be accompanying me
to the airport or do you have a car?
No, no, we'll just follow you up in
the car.
I see.
Now. I understand from Mr Wiseman that
you are in some way related to Mr Chambers.
- Mr Chambers?
- The deceased.
Oh, yes, yes.
Distantly second cousin.
We've never actually met,
socially, that is.
Ah. I see. It sense.
It's never pleasant, is it?
No.
Well, I'll get my coat and
we can be on our way.
What was all that, then?
I didn't know Monty was
gonna tell him I was a cousin.
You better read that.
'What to do after d...'
Terry!
It don't seem right to me, Terry.
That's what I've been trying
to tell you, innt?
No, no. Not that.
This!
It should be a hearse
and blokes in dark suits.
I mean, look at that undertaker.
He's wearing a sports jacket.
Anyone would think we've come
to collect furniture.
No respect these days, Terry.
No respect at all.
Well, I shouldn't think it'd upset
your second cousin too much.
Mr Daley? It's all in order.
They're bringing the body out now.
- Well, go on, then.
- Come with me.
- Urgent medical supplies?
- It's allright. It's quite standard.
This is a discreet way
of transporting, that's all.
Oi, oi, oi, you!
How long's this cousin of yours been
brown bread?
Terry!
It could be unhealthy,
couldn't it?
Well, actually, the body was
embalmed at the port of call.
Well, that's a relief.
If you could just give me hand
to load it up.
We're gonna have to move the Transit.
Are the keys in it?
Oh, no, Terry, I'll do that.
You help Mr Meadhurst to erm...
Hold on! That'll do you!
All right, all right, hold on.
It'll be heavy.
It's a dead weight, innit?
Open the doors!
Give it a shove
and it'll slide inside.
- Oh, my God!
- Bloody hell, Arthur!
- [LIFTS HANDBRAKE]
- Sorry, mate.
- It's all right.
- Not you. Him.
You don't think that little mishap
caused any damage, do you, Terry?
- Can't get much more damaged than dead.
- That is not funny.
That is not funny at all.
That is the kind of irreverence for the
human condition I find totally offensive.
Especially at 500 quid a time, eh?
Oh, yeah. How much
am I getting out of that?
Well, that depends on
how long you have to spend
with the um,
late lamented Chambers.
- Do what?
- Sorry, didn't I tell you?
Monty wants someone to watch over
his poor perished pal
while he... makes all
the arrangements, you know.
He wants someone
to sit with him.
How do you feel now, dear?
I feel perfectly all right,
Mother.
I did know about his heart,
you know.
Gadding around the world like that.
He never did have any consideration
for others.
No totally inconsiderate.
At least he's left me comfortable.
Yes. You be careful some other man doesn't
come along to take advantage of you.
Don't worry, I will be.
- When did you say the funeral was?
- Tomorrow.
Nice of that Mr Wiseman to help out.
Convenient, yes.
No, Arthur, there's nothing and no way
I'm gonna sit, minding a bleedin' corpse!
For a short time, Terry,
until Monty can make
other arrangements.
- Are you deaf or something?
- No.
Exactly! That's my answer too. No!
N-O. Got it?
You don't have to make your mind up now.
You'll earn nice wages.
Arthur!
Er, not here, surely?
Well...
it is only temporary, you know.
till Mr Wiseman makes...
other...
I'll just make some room
while you and Terry er...
It's not very orthodox,
Mr Daley.
I do believe my late cousin
was not famed for his formality.
But it's all right, innit?
I mean...
There's no lawful reason why...
Well... er...
no.
Good. Good.
Don't stand there, Terry.
Give Mr Meadhurst a hand.
And move my car out the way,
and lock it.
[HUMS]
[GROANS]
[HUMS]
OK, Arthur, I'm not sure,
maybe a couple of hours, right?
Just make sure
he's not left on his own.
- I'll be off, then.
- I'm coming with you.
But Monty, I...
[WHISTLES]
Oi, come on!
Oh, gawd!
- No, Arthur.
- It's only for a couple of hours, Terry.
- Arthur, not even for ten minutes!
- I tell you what.
I can't say fairer than that.
That is on top of the pony
I've already given you.
No, no.
- 75.
- 100?
Done.
Cash in your claw.
As soon as Monty weighs in, you can collect.
You have my committed word.
No, no.
He's probably gonna knock you,
anyway.
Besides, I've got a meet.
You've got a meet?
Yeah, I promised Nancy
I'd take her out for a cuff.
A drink?
That's charming. That's nice.
I am in shtuck and you're going
birding it.
It's only a couple of hours.
I don't see why YOU can't dwell here.
I would, I would,
but I promised her indoors
I'd take her shopping
to Brent Cross.
- You?
- Yeah.
She'll go potty
if I don't turn up.
Just bell her
and explain things.
- Oh, leave it out, Terry.
- She wouldn't believe it.
I don't bleedin' believe it.
- I'll see you later.
- Terry!
Terry!
Don't shut the door!
Wake that shmack of, Randolf.
Ooff...
He's well zonked, Mont. We ain't gonna
get much joy out of him for some time.
That's all I need.
Tie the drunken bum
to the bed so he can't get
his hands on any more
booze when he wakes up.
We'll come back later.
[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]
- Hey.
- Terry.
- What are you doing here?
- You invited me, remember?
Oh, that's right.
Come on in. Come here.
It's all right, isn't it?
The door was open, so I just came
up.
Oh, yeah, don't worry about that.
It's open house. It's a squat.
Everybody's welcome.
Everybody?
Well...
not everybody. Hm.
[POSH] I don't want to be your
plaything for another hour, you know.
There's a drink over there.
Just help yourself.
Or er...
do you want something else?
Listen, er...
do you have to smoke that crap?
[TAPPING]
Hello?
[TAPPING AND PANTING]
[WHINING]
[WHIMPERS]
Hello.
Wiseman Enterprises.
'Mr Wiseman?
This is Mr Meadhurst.'
Oh, hello, Mr Meadhurst.
What can I do for you?
I'm afraid we have a little problem
concerning the late Mr Chambers.
Problem? What do you mean?
What... what problem?
I've had a phone call from
the coroner's office
requesting a post-mortem.
I have informed Mrs Chambers.
Just a moment.
How come the coroner
knows about my friend?
Well, you've probably forgotten,
but I did explain to you
that it is incumbent on the funeral
director to inform the coroner.
- A courtesy call, you said.
- Erm, well, yes.
But I shall have to collect
your late friend
and deliver him to the mortuary in order
for the post-mortem to be carried out.
'That is the law, Mr Wiseman,
and there's nothing we can do about it.'
Randolf!
I'm afraid the funeral arrangements for
tomorrow will have to be cancelled, Mother.
[SIGHS] Can't rely on the man even
when he's dead.
Urgh! Argh!
Now, then, Arthur!
Where the hell are you going to?
I'm leaving.
I'm going home.
- I don't feel very well.
- You ain't going nowhere.
Please, Monty. I've had the most
disturbing experience.
I feel quite wretched.
Wretched?
What's wretched already?
That in there. It was horrible.
Horrible.
It moved and... and
made the most weird noise!
I'm telling you, Monty,
it is not of this world.
- Have you been drinking?
- Drinking?
Come on!
No, Monty! Stop tampering with
the forces beyond the Pale.
- Where is it?
- Over there. On the pet food.
The undead.
It's not natural, Monty.
Shut up, Arthur.
Give us a knife.
Monty, please,
I have read my Dennis Wheatley.
You are dealing
with the supernatural.
Ouija, ectoplasm,
that sort of thing.
Evil beyond man's understanding.
What are you?
A crank of some kind?
Here, Arthur,
this casket is zinc-lined,
hermetically sealed and soldered.
Nothing has got out of here.
That includes the undead.
Look, Monty, I know what I saw.
I know what I heard.
- I'm not an idiot.
- Yeah, yeah, Arthur.
Now listen, have you got a roof rack
or something round here?
Roof rack?
Yeah. They go on top of cars
to put luggage in!
I know what a roof rack is!
Well, have you got one, Arthur?
I do a very nice line in roof racks.
- I can let you have two dozen at cost price.
- We only want one!
Well, get it!
We've got to shift this right away.
Shift it? Why?
Because they want to commit
unspeakable indignities on my friend here.
- Unspeakable indignities?
- Yes, Arthur.
And that I cannot allow them
to do.
Who?
Europherian bureaucrats,
that's who.
Unfeelings shmacks.
The coroner wants to er,
slice him up.
But that's official. I mean,
you can't just hide a body.
- You wanna bet?
- Where?
Boy, you got a nerve!
Eh?
You've only known me
for two minutes.
And already you're trying
to organise my life.
It was you who said
you fancied a walk.
What about that hassle
with the dope?
What's a good-looking bird like you
need with that crap, eh?
You see what I mean?
Lectures already.
Are you on anything
stronger than grass?
What's that got to do with you?
God!
You're beginning to sound
like a cop.
Wha...
Look,
if you want to be used
and exploited by the slags
who deal in that crap,
all right, rock on.
You won't be the first
rock and roller
to sit outside Boots in the 'dilly
with their tongue hanging out.
Now he's a social worker!
- [MIMICS] Now he's a social woiker!
- [LAUGHS]
Come here.
- I beg your pardon?
- Come here.
Grr!
- You're nice.
- Ooh!
A little bit old-fashioned,
but nice.
Not like most of the guys I meet.
I suppose a legover's out
of the question.
[LAUGHS]
Anyway,
you can talk about being used.
What about that Arthur of yours?
From what I can make out,
he uses you all the time.
Yeah, I suppose so.
In a way, yeah.
That business with the dead body!
No. With Arthur and me,
it's different, you see?
We got an understanding.
Like, he knows how far he can
or can't go with me.
What I'll stand for
and what I won't.
He won't stand for it, Monty!
I'm teling you, he'll go potty!
Let Randolf worry about that.
[THUD]
Do me a favour, Arthur.
Stop minding about Terry.
Ragbone!
[HORN]
Ragbone!
Monty!
This is the boy's home!
I mean, nobody likes strangers
parked in their living room.
Especially dead ones.
[SIGHS HEAVILY]
You're right, Arthur.
Randolf, shlep it in the bedroom.
It'll be easier.
- Are you working tonight?
- Yeah.
- Shall I come down and see you?
- Yeah.
- Do you want to go home?
- Nah, I can't go back to my pad.
- The boys are gonna be all over the place.
- Let's go to mine, then.
You two all right?
Well, I'll have another once, yeah.
Nance?
Oh, no, thanks.
Don't need it.
- You look nice and jolly.
- Had a bereavement in the family.
Oh... Old Tom, he got run over.
- Tom?
- Cat.
Oh.
Fond of it, were you?
Couldn't stand the bleedin' thing.
Oh...
I'm afraid I don't understand,
Mrs Chambers.
You say that Mr Wiseman never told
you where your husband was?
No, he didn't,
and I can't see why.
And that Mr Daley, the man
who accompanied me to the airport,
is in no way a relation?
Don't you think I would know
if he was?
Well, yes.
Yes, of course, but...
it does all seem to me to be just
a little odd.
Odd is hardly an adequate term
to describe the fact that my late husband
has being...
parked in a garage, Mr Meadhurst.
Well, I can assure you,
Mrs Chambers, I def...
Yes, yes,
I know it isn't your fault.
But if there's something funny going on,
I would like to know about it.
Funny?
It could affect
the insurance policy.
He'll go spare.
Absolutely spare.
There you go. That should do it for
the minute.
- Oh, my good gawd.
- Eh? What's the matter?
The name plate.
It's the wrong way up.
- So what?
- So what? You've got your...
He's upside down!
I don't suppose the blood
will rush to his head.
Monty, I have to tell you,
I am beginning to think your interest in
your dear friend is less than sentimental.
Me? Monty Wiseman?
How could you think such a thing?
And I don't think you've been
absolutely straight with me.
- Really?
- No, no. Not lies actually,
but you know,
little bits of omission.
Randolf and me, we have to go
somewhere to collect someone.
And you better be here
when we come back.
We wouldn't want Randolf to have
to spend time looking for you, would we?
[DOOR SHUTS]
Where you going?
Can I come?
- What the...?
- Terry?
I can explain everything.
I think you bleedin' better!
That's it, Arthur.
This is well over the top.
- You've taken a right liberty!
- Terry, I keep telling you, I had no choice.
I want this out of here!
I want it out now!
- You know what Monty's like.
- He's gonna know what I'M like!
- He can be very persuasive.
- So can I, Arthur.
You forget about Randolf.
He can be even more persuasive.
I can be downright insistent!
Calm down, Terry.
It's not all that bad.
Not all that...?
Do you believe him?
He puts a dead body in my bedroom
and he says it's not all that bad!
Well, I agree. It's not a situation
one finds desirable.
It's bleeding obscene!
Please, Terry, that is not nice.
Remember, we are all mortal.
Well. If he had to be laid to rest,
the bedroom is a good a place as any.
Don't YOU start!
Anyway, he hasn't been laid to rest.
He's standing up in my flat!
Er,
I don't think so, Terry.
- You've even got him on his head!
- No, no. That wasn't me.
- That was Monty and Randolf done that.
- That bleedin' Wiseman!
I'd hardly call him wise.
No, no, no.
Little bit of levity, Terence.
I just trying to get the situation
into perspective.
The situation, Arthur, is,
I don't want to dead bodies
as part of my fixtures and fittings.
Look, Terry. I can understand
you being a bit upset.
- Oy!
- I am also upset!
- Oh?
- I have been witness
to unexplainable
phenomenononon
and exposed to dark forces.
I've had a very disturbing
experience.
Arthur, what are you
talking about?
The occult, Terry.
The occult.
Spirits of the nether regions.
Things that go bump in the night,
or day, in this case.
I'm sorry, I ain't standing
for that.
- What?
- Arthur, I know you.
It's me, Terry, right?
He's gonna tell me some lunatic story
and then expect me to think
'Oh, he is poor old Arthur, I'd better help'.
That has no bearing on the matter.
It happened.
I even passed out.
I fell and hurt my head.
Look. Feel.
- I'm not interested, Arthur!
- All right. Have it your way.
I was wrong to expect
a sympathetic hearing
from someone I always thought
was a friend and a confedone.
Con...
Don't you ever stop?
All you're thinking about is the dough
you're gonna make out of this lark!
I'm glad you brought that up.
Cos' it did cross my mind
and I dismissed it immediately.
But as I say, I had no choice.
And now it is a fait accompli,
I think it only fair that you should
have half the fee.
Arthur, will you get it
into that thick head of yours
that something is very dodgy here.
What. I did say to Monty, I didn't think
he was being entirely frank with me.
Oh.
Just think about it, eh?
Why won't he let the coroner
get his hands on his late friend, eh?
What's there to hide?
I mean...
there might not even be a body
in there!
Could be full up with dope
or something!
And we could be in right shtuck
if this all comes on top.
- Let's open it and find out!
- No, no, no, no. We mustn't open it.
- No, Terry. No.
- Er, not wise, man.
- Pardon?
- Look. Nobody's opening anything, right?
I'm gonna run you home
and then I'm gonna sort out
Monty and Randolf
the red-nosed ranger.
And YOU are gonna stay here
in case I miss 'em.
No, no, I'm not staying with thingy
after what I've been through.
- It's like you said, isn't it?
- What?
You've got no choice!
Come on, Curly.
Don't worry, Arthur. Just keep
a stiff upper! [CHUCKLES]
She's American.
You seem to know Mr Daley
and his assistant, Sergeant.
Oh, yes. I know them,
Mr Medhurst.
- Meadhurst.
- And Monty Wiseman.
I do hope you don't mean
in a professional sense, Sergeant.
That's precisely
what I do mean, madam.
I don't understand.
What is going on? What has happened
to my husband's body?
I don't know, madam.
But I intend to find out.
What do you think, Jones?
Well, with that little firm,
it's got to be a bit iffy, guv.
But I wouldn't have thought Arthur and
Terry were in the same league as Wiseman.
- Perhaps Arthur is getting ambitious.
- Sergeant!
I am sorry, madam,
just thinking out loud.
You tell me, you say your late husband
worked for Monty Wiseman.
Doing what exactly?
We never talked much
about what he did.
Some sort of
travel courier, as I understood it.
Mr Wiseman has a travel agency,
you see?
And that's not all.
Sergeant, I demand that
something be done about this.
I couldn't agree more,
madam.
- Good morning, sir. Can I help you?
- Not yet, no.
Terry, what can I do for you?
Sit down, tell me the problem.
Don't give me that boolshit.
I want that body, if that's what it is,
removed from my flat
- and I want it done now.
- Edna, no interruptions.
'IF that's what it is?'
Now, Terry, what are you saying?
All I'm saying is you're a lying,
thieving b*stard.
You takes liberties.
Only you hadn't take any with me!
Look, Terry, you haven't made a mistake
of tampered with that casket, have you?
No, I haven't, no.
But don't you make a mistake to think
it's got anything to do with your order
pudding you keep on a leash.
All right, all right. You've got
the needle, I can understand.
but I'm sure we can come to some
arrangement.
Now look, I'll tell Arthur to give you
half the grand I'm bunging him.
- Grand?
- Well, I know it's generous to afford,
but what the hell?
A favour's a favour. Right?
Wrong. That is not staying at my gaff
at any price.
Nah, don't be unreasonable,
Terry.
I mean, two hours, that's all. No longer.
You don't even have to go back home.
As soon as Randolf rings me, I'll go round
with him and soon after we'll all be away.
I give you my word.
It is not staying at my place for two minutes,
let alone a couple of hours.
Now, listen. You get it shifted
or I'm gonna bung it in the street
and the Old Bill
can sort it out.
Terry, Terry, listen,
what can I do?
Randolf is making arrangements
for somewhere now.
As soon as he rings,
I promise you...
It better be before I get home.
Already!
Darling, don't parade around.
Get on that phone and get me some wheels.
Urgh! Argh!
Don't! Please don't!
[MUMBLES]
Everything all right?
Incapable, I am waiting.
Please.
[MUMBLES]
My name is Mr Simms.
All right, all right.
Mr Simms.
Shift your drunken arse,
please!
Come on, come on,
you look lovely.
And don't forget your tool box.
I'm not going to do it.
Are you some kind of nut
as well as a lush?
I'm sorry, Mr Wiseman,
it's...
both immoral and ill*gal.
Can you believe this?
Listen, you won't even have to worry about
slipping with the scalpel, like this one.
- The man's dead already!
- I'm sorry.
The answer has to be no.
Come on, get hold of him!
Terry, what are you doing?
I'm getting rid,
that's what I'm doing.
And now you're in,
you can give us a hand.
No. We're supposed to be
minding this. Monty will go berserk.
I don't give a monkey's
what Monty will do.
- It's going!
- Terry, Terry!
- What are you gonna do with it?
- I dunno.
Dump it somewhere.
Dump it?
There's a human body in there!
Have you no respect? Did they teach
you nothing in school assembly?
What's up? You worried about the grand
that Monty promised you?
That is not the point, Terry.
It's a matter of human dignity.
This is sacrilegious.
And what will HE think?
Have you thought about it?
Look, just get the other end, eh?
Or I'll drag it out by myself.
Get the other end.
Come on.
Careful.
You're making a big mistake, Terry.
You're not thinking.
I mean,
if anything goes wrong...
This all...
It's all legal and proper, innit?
I mean, we're in the clear,
but if it goes missing
and the Old Bill gets involved,
we'll be in right trouble.
Look.
Just move it, will you?
- Tell about the wages.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Hang on.
Come on.
- Wait, wait, wait.
- Oh, gawd!
Terry, you've gone and done it again!
You wait here.
- So, what is this desecration?
- This was not my idea, Monty.
Tell him, Terry.
Tell him.
- I'll have your legs for this, Arthur!
- You'll have to have mine as well then.
Randolf, Arthur,
take this back inside.
Hold on, hold on.
If you'll pardon the expression, gents,
over my dead body!
[DOOR BANGS]
Monty?
Shtum, shtum.
Leave it to me.
That is a comfort.
What the hell's going on here?
- Mrs Chambers, I assure you...
- Are you responsible for this?
Good gracious me, no.
It was him, you see?
You! b*stard!
You are a disgrace!
[CLAMOUR]
Madam, please!
Sorry.
Shut up, you nutter!
Just calm down.
Hold it up.
You're responsible.
I'll sue you as well!
Get her in the car, Jones.
b*stards! I want these animals
arrested, Sergeant!
It will be my pleasure, madam.
Just go sit in your car
and let me handle it.
An unhappy accident,
Mr Chisholm.
I just came to collect my poor
departed friend and...
Can it, Monty.
Well, I don't know what the wording
on the charge sheet will read.
Bodysnatching more or less
went out with Burke and Hare.
But I should think conspiracy
will do for starters.
Don't be hasty, Mr Chisholm.
This has got nothing to do with me.
No. Or me.
We were just doing
Mr Wiseman here a favour.
- That's right.
- You? A favour?
Well, a service, then.
Mere paid hirelings.
It was simply a question of storage until
Mr Wiseman could make funeral arrangements.
At least,
that's what he told us.
Mr Meadhurst here can confirm my role
in this unhappy affair.
- Please!
- Well, er, yes, I suppose so.
I did phone Mr Wiseman a few hours
ago with the coroner's decision.
Em. That is correct. That is correct.
So I came over as soon as I could
to inform Mr Daley.
And what do I find?
My friend cast on the steps like
so much garbage! A tragedy!
Gawd knows what they were up to!
- Just a minute
- Now, come off it!
You know very well
what we were doing!
[DOOR OPENS]
Well, well!
Incapable. [SNIFFS]
What would Monty
be wanting with you?
[PROTESTS FROM CELL]
It's not right. The law states that
I can get in touch with someone!
I have been held in custody
for over 24 hours.
In a cell! That is
an affront to human dignity!
Not a citizen has a right
to adequate toilet facilities!
I shall be getting in touch
with my MP.
It's a clear case
of police brutality.
- Not to mention the...
- Will you tearn it?
It's your bleedin' fault!
What's her indoors going to say?
Tell her
you had a bad case of COUGHIN'.
Oh, Terry, this is no time
for uncouth levity.
Well, Arthur.
We've managed to sort out a few
facts, thanks to Incapable.
Incapable?
The geezer in Monty's car.
Neither Terry nor me
never met him.
I know, Arthur.
Must be your lucky day.
Does that mean we can go, then?
Do you know why Incapable
is called Incapable?
Well, no, how could we?
That's right.
How could you?
Anyway,
he used to be a surgeon.
But one day he went
into the operating theatre
a bit pissed
and his scalpel slipped,
and the patient died.
So he lost his job
and took to the sauce.
This is interesting, isn't it,
Arthur?
So Monty got hold of Incapable
to perform an operation...
..on his so-called mate Chambers...
..who was acting as a courier
in stolen diamonds
for Monty.
And used the novel idea
of smuggling them inside his stomach.
He swallowed them and waited for
nature to take its course.
Could I have a drink of water,
please?
Anyway, he's had a heart attack
and Monty wanted his stones back.
It's really strange.
So how did you and Arthur
get out of it?
There was no evidence.
They did an autopsy on Chambers
but didn't find anything.
Even Wiseman got off.
♪ Do you believe
♪ When I tell you
♪ That lonely is the hardest... ♪
What do you mean, we've got to go
to the funeral?
It's just a formality, Terry,
a mark of respect, that's all.
Anyway, Monty insists.
- Oh, he does, does he?
- What he said was,
either we go
or I don't get paid.
It amounts to the same thing.
Just finish off the job,
that's all.
- Finish off the job?
- No, no, not finish off the job,
that's all done and over,
but tidy up the loose ends.
What loose ends?
No. I don't understand it
either, Terry.
The point is, Monty owes me.
Us. For all that aggro.
And I intend to see that you get it.
[ORGAN PLAYS]
'I am the Resurrection and the Life, '
said the Lord.
'He that believeth in me,
though he were dead,
yet shall he live.
And whosoever liveth
and believeth in me
shall never die.'
We brought nothing into this world,
and it is certain we can carry
nothing out.
O let thine ears consider well
the voice of my complaint.
Lord, who shall
dwell in my tabernacle?
Even he that leadeth
an uncorrupt life
and doeth the thing which is right,
I go to prepare a place for you.
And if I go and prepare a place
for you,
I will come again.
I will lift up mine eyes
unto the hills,
from whence cometh my help.
We commend into thy hands of mercy,
most merciful Father,
the soul of this, our brother
departed.
And we commit his body to be
consumed.
And we beseech thy infinite goodness
to give us grace to live
in thy fear and love,
and die in thy favour,
that when thy judgment shall come, which
thou has committed to thy well beloved Son,
both this our brother and we may be
found acceptable in thy sight.
Grant this, o merciful Father,
for the sake of Jesus Christ,
our only Saviour, Mediator
and Advocate. Amen.
Here, cop this. Cop this.
Let's go. Let's go!
What is that, Monty?
They must have missed them at
the autopsy.
They had to be there
in the mortal remains!
And diamonds are immune from fire,
right?
Well, let's go!
If I didn't know better,
I would have thought you were about
to nick the ashes
of the late Joe Chambers.
Oh, leave off!
We're mere employees,
Mr Chisholm.
Me? You've gotta be joking!
We were just gonna spread the ashes
on the river.
Well, that's down to the widow,
Monty.
I loved Joe as well, you know.
A nice guy.
A nice guy, they said, Terry.
A diamond, Mr Chisholm.
[STARTS ENGINE]
[RATTLES]
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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