♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
[CHILDREN CHATTER IN BACKGROUND]
I can't tell you what a comfort
you've been to me, Arthur.
What are friends for, Beryl?
I always had a soft spot
for you, Arthur.
It's times like this
when I can't help wondering
what might've been.
Yeah, well, I've lived with
my disappointment as best I can.
Terry!
What I always say is,
it's never too late.
Your dignity in suffering
is an example to us all, Beryl.
You always were a discreet man, Arthur.
I admire that.
Er, look, we have to go, Beryl.
Any problems, give me a buzz, eh?
Oh, I'll keep in touch, Arthur.
Don't you worry about that.
[DOG WHIMPERS]
Come on, my son.
Has Marcel been having fun
with nice Terry then?
Really, Arthur!
Chatting up your old mate's widow
straight after the funeral!
- I was merely being supportive!
- Oh! Oh.
Anyway, Alfie Murdoch,
may the tight-fisted git rest in peace,
was no mate of mine.
You know.
Her old man was the first scrap dealer
in the East End to get a Telex machine.
That must be why she fancies you
so much.
You know, a complete contrast
in personalities.
[HORN BEEPS]
[HORN BEEPS]
I'm glad you showed,
Mr Daley!
- Who the hell are you?
- Kenny Hatfield.
- We had a drink the other night.
- Oh, yeah?
- The thing is...
- Eh, eh, eh!
..I've brought your flying pig.
You what?
Don't you remember?
Kiddie trips.
You said
you was interested.
- I never said anything of the sort!
- Don't say nothing.
Wait till you see the flying pig.
It's a real winner!
How many times have I told you, Dwayne?
It's only meant to take kiddies!
[PHONE RINGS]
Well, where do you want it,
Mr Daley?
As far away from me
as possible!
Can I have a go, mister?
How d'you put the money in?
Hang on! Hang on!
We have to see Mr Daley first.
Well, yeah.
Course you can.
Look, you could have it
for a month on approval.
- Won't cost you nothing.
- Now look, Kenny.
Get yourself and bloody porky
out of here, will ya?
- Not many!
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Hold on a moment, please.
Allow me to handle
my telephone calls in future.
And get that clown out of here.
Yeah. Come on, sunshine,
it's private.
Hello?
Georgie Silver,
as I live and breathe! How are you?
If your guvnor doesn't wanna earn
himself a few bob,
I'll have to find a site for it
meself.
But I'll have to tell my boss
that Mr Daley's got it.
So...
fair's fair.
He ought to have a cut.
I ought to be able to double that
if the weather stays good!
Hey!
You heard of Frankie Farrow?
Course I have!
You're gonna be staying at his gaff
for a week.
Yeah, I know, yeah.
The only thing is, er,
I don't think I need the work.
- Hey! Where'd you get that?
- What?
[POP MUSIC PLAYS]
[PHONE RINGS]
Los Angeles is on the red phone,
Mr Silver.
I like this, Terry.
I like this very much.
This is the sort of area
I had in mind for you right from the start.
Soho?!
- No, no, the music business.
- Oh.
Listen, be nice to the geezer.
Let him win a few games, you know?
You could end up
part of his entourage.
Terry McCann - friend and confidante
to the stars!
Why not?
Well, these people are very lonely.
They are isolated
from their loved ones.
- Just because he is a superstar...
- Oh, do leave off!
Listen, Frankie Farrow went out
with trams and those long hot summers
you keep banging on about.
All right, so he hasn't had a hit
for a long time.
- No.
- But it's not just England, you know?
He's an international star.
Very big in LA.
What, Luton Airport?
No, Caesar's Palace, Los Vegas.
Sand dunes or something.
[BUZZER]
I mean, he's up there with Ol' Brown Eyes,
you know.
You could be too if
you play your cards right.
Ahem.
He'll see you now.
Oh, ta.
Terry.
[KNOCK AT DOOR]
Come in!
- Nice to see you after all this time, Arthur!
- Georgie! How are you?
- Terry.
- The wife still talks about
that washing machine
you came up with!
Pleased to meet you, Terry.
Take a pew.
Carrot juice.
Cram-packed with vitamin D!
- Ha-ha. Why not?
- Not for me, thanks. No.
Now. I need a good bloke
I can trust, Arthur.
I get your drift, Georgie.
Someone discreet
who can stick close to Frankie.
Close to Frankie?
No, no, no!
Frankie's flying over to the States
tomorrow.
I mean, he's only headlining
in Vegas for three weeks!
- Oh, he's still working, then?
- Still working?
Still working?! Arthur!
I've been managing Frankie Farrow
for 18 years.
And I tell you that boy
has never had so much work
in his life!
He's down to his fighting weight
and singing like a bird.
I've got clients, kids
who thinks there are stars,
who'd give their right arm
for the kinda work he gets!
- Oh. Still working?!
- No offence, Georgie.
Anyway. What's happened is,
Frankie's housekeeper and chauffeur,
Mr and Mrs er... what's-her-name,
gone and retired.
Crying shame it is. Been with him for years.
Just like a mum and dad to the boy!
So I need someone to keep an eye
on the place while I sort out replacement.
A sort of a caretaker,
you mean?
Well, it's a bit special, Terry.
The entire gaff is at your disposal.
Yeah! Sounds all right!
We'll drive out to the Dreamhouse
first thing in the morning.
[LAUGHTS] The dreamhouse!
I like it! I like it! [LAUGHTS]
It's what the house is called, Arthur!
After his big hit in '65.
What a belter that was!
What a great song.
Who appreciates a song like that
these days?
Woo! Bleeding nobody,
that's who.
There you go. There's your money.
And that's for the drink.
I'll have a large brandy,
and have one yourself
- while he's counting.
- Cheers.
That Kenny's a scheming little slag.
No wonder he shot off like that.
Shot off?
You had him out on his ear!
And he bunged you a ton!
Well, he bunged me a ton
to be presize, didn't he?
- Exactly.
- Eh.
And how much do you think he'll gonna
be taking outta that thing over a month?
What? You think he'd do
a straight split? Never!
I think it'll be twice
as much as that.
You think what you want,
all right?
Dave, er, d'you remember
Frankie Farrow?
Frankie Farrow?
Yeah!
What was that song?
Can I have a go, mister?
How d'you put the money in?
Hang on! Hang on!
We'll have to see Mr Daley.
The wife used to go for it
in a big way.
- Dreamhouse?
- That's right.
That's what he called his house,
d'you know that?
Sodding great thing.
And I'm gonna live there for a week.
Ain't I?
Hey? Weren't there no change
from that fiver?
- Not at all.
- No, no.
Bon voyage, Frankie.
Don't hurry back.
Very impressive.
- That's Georgian.
- It's still nice, though, innit?
I'm a bit pushed for time so we'd better
get on, find out what goes where.
Wipe your feet, Terry.
All righty, the grand tour
starts here. This is the hall.
Dear, oh, dear!
Her indoors would love this little lot.
- Why? Can she play?
- No, no, no.
She just likes polishing things.
- Oh.
- The lounge...
Oh, yes!
Oh. Look, look, look!
The man himself.
Yeah. Painted by...
a famous artist
whose name has unaccountably
slipped my mind.
Don't exactly look
overjoyed with life! Does he?
No, no, no, that is your natural melanchola
of the creative artiste.
Nicely put, Arthur.
Shall we adjourn to the
recreation room and swimming pool?
Yeah! Yeah!
[BIRDS SINGING]
[PANTING]
Take care, Terry. Any problems,
give me a buzz, all right?
Yeah, don't worry about me.
Gym, sauna,
snooker table? It'll be the first
holiday I've had for years!
I might pop over and see you
if I fancy a swim.
I'm late, Arthur!
Don't let the technology
frighten you,
You know, things like
light switches and running water.
I'll miss you, too.
C'mon, c'mon!
You can't park there.
Cheers, Frankie.
[PANTING]
[COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING]
[GRUNTS] You're not pulling!
It's sticking!
I told you, if you wear them
without socks, they stick!
[PHONE RINGS]
- "Mr Silver?"
- Terry, old chap!
What can I do for you?
Well, the thing is, Mr Silver, the, er,
the phone at Dreamhouse is on the blink
and, er,
I can't find anything to eat.
Multiple apologies, Terry, old chap.
That was very forgetful of me.
Listen, you got cash?
"Get whatever you want!
Get the best and I'll refund you."
Yeah, all right. Then er...
But what should I do about the blower?
No sweat, Terry!
I'll get on it right away.
As soon as my secretary learns to read,
she'll know a final demand when she sees one.
All right then, Terry.
Bye!
Pull!
Hello, Kenny.
Oh.
Mr Daley.
Is that your...
your works canteen there?
Look, Mr Daley, I'm sorry
if you thought I was taking liberties.
Let's get in the car and have a chat,
shall we?
Drive this to work,
do you, Kenny?
As it happens, no.
- I've got the use of the van, see.
- Of course you have. Course you have.
You tell me, do you...
pull that stroke on your guvnor often?
You know, pretending someone's
got a kiddie trip on approval and...
- keeping the cash?
- Now and then. Yeah.
That accounts for the flash car and er...
Beaujolais lunches, eh?
- I'll bung you another ton!
- No, no, no. Tell me.
Supposing I wanted to buy ten of these...
flying wotsits, so how does it work?
Pay me cash on the nail, I'll get
you ten flying pigs for three grand.
I site them, service them
and empty them.
The guvnor collars
which is all you lose
officially.
Unofficially,
you lose 30
because I take out another ten
to ensure premium sites
by bunging arcade managers
and so on.
- Not to mention a drink for meself.
- Oh, of course! Of course.
Evened out over the year,
you should be recouping
two, three hundred quid a week.
Cash, of course.
I'm interested, Kenny.
I'm interested.
Give me a day to think it over,
will you?
[EXHALED]
[CREAKING]
[DOOR CLOSES]
[EERIE LAUGHTER]
[COUGHING AND SPLUTTERING]
Come in.
Mr Farrow?
Speaking.
I thought you'd just left
for America.
You must be thinking
of the other one.
[SIGHS]
I'm Derek Farrow,
Frankie's brother,
manager, accountant,
wet nurse,
highly-paid toadie,
and in all of those capacities,
I demand to know what you are doing
creeping around this house.
I'm Terry.
Terry McCann.
I shall contact the Old Bill.
Nah, the phone's not working.
Put the mockers on the phone, eh?
Very clever.
Nah, nah, nah.
Look, would I be lumbering around like this
if I was turning the place over, eh?
Me?
I'm an Oxford and Harvard
Business School man.
I move foreign currencies around
like some people move mushy peas,
and if I ever find out you're
giving me the run-around, sunshine,
I shall come down on you
like a tonne of breeze blocks.
Er, George Silver's the geezer
who hired me.
Georgie Silver! An errand boy.
Ten-percent parasite.
How he's got the bottle to hire and fire
round this house I do not know.
Nonetheless, I am prepared to accept
that you are not some itinerant blagger.
Oh.
There's something wrong here.
In this side...
There was another sofa in here
last time I looked in this room.
- Yeah. It's on the lawn.
- On the lawn?!
I fancied sleeping
under the stars.
Anyway, the arrangement of the furniture
is none of your concern.
Listen, I'm supposed to be
safeguarding this little lot!
I-It's just a brotherly in-joke,
you know.
It's er...
It won't damage, I promise.
Hold on!
All right, who are you
and what are you doing here?
Listen, don't think those
glass ashtrays you're wearing
gonna stop me
giving you a slap.
So you better start talking!
Beam me up, Scotty.
OK, let's hear it.
Let's see now...
Khm...
It must've been the summer
of '76.
Frankie had just got divorced
from his fourth.
Laura, I think that was.
Mind you, she was in and out so quick,
you couldn't be sure.
Anyway, Frankie and me
was sitting pretty.
Sure, he wasn't top
of the hit parade anymore,
but he could still earn
big money in the States,
and I'd been investing
oll of his money for him for years.
Er, I'd made him a wealthy man.
He didn't ever have to work again.
And then one day,
he went to this...
showbiz charity do.
Yeah, and what happened?
Sorry, I was...
[SIGHS] just thinking,
Isn't it absurd that one chance
meeting him could ruin so many lives?
You see, there was this...
ballerina.
I mustn't mention her name
but she's very famous,
a foreigner, you know,
and Frankie
really fell for her.
Of course, it wasn't on the cards and tolks
because he was too old for it.
But he had delusions.
The old male menopause, you know?
[SIGHS] He had visions
of sweeping her off her feet.
But it's a hardly goes sweep
an exotic ballerinas off their feet
if three grown men have been
stuffing little bits of you
into a heavy duty corset
all afternoon, can you?
He was
REALLY persistent,
and eventually she said
she'd have dinner with him.
But, naturally, she wanted
other people to be there,
so I went along.
And that
was how it happened.
How what happened?
Zap!
[SIGHS DEEPLY]
It was love at first sight.
But can you imagine
what I felt like
when I realised
it was the same for her?
Ooh...
It was madness.
We couldn't keep our hands
off each other.
But Frankie was...
[SIGHS]
His sibling rivalry
went deeper than I thought.
He threw me out.
Left me with nothing.
And since then,
my life...
has been unbearable.
I'm glad you told me that.
It makes it all clear.
Thank God.
And now I'm gonna take you
straight down the nick!
- You what?
- You heard!
What do you think I am,
some bleeding idiot or something?
All that cobblers
about exotic balleri...
Listen. The nearest you've been to an exotic
ballerina is watching Chelsea on the box!
- But not the Old Bill, please!
- Ah!
I've hit a sensitive spot, have I?
Had dealings with them before, have you?
All right! All right! All right!
Fair enough, I made it all up.
But how many people do you know
get arrested for lying?
Lying, no.
Breaking and entering, yes.
Right!
All right! But first,
the... the phone's on the blink,
the alarm system's on the blink,
so how do you know
I ain't set it all up for my mates
come here to turn it over
when we're down the nick?
Because if you had,
you wouldn't tell me, would you?!
You'd say, "Fair cop, guv"
and be as good as gold all the way!
Quite right. Good point.
- Second...
- Come on, then, second?
Don't lose your temper!
Don't get angry!
In all honesty, and straight up,
I am Frankie Farrow's brother!
- And I am now angry!
- [SIGHS]
Look,
just give me a chance.
- I can prove it.
- No.
I tell you what, look,
if I can't convince you,
I'll let you take me down the nick,
how is that?
All right.
All right.
But if you're messing
me around, sunshine,
taking you down the nick
might involve several journeys!
Oi, come here!
- Hold on a minute!
- Wait. Listen.
Just turn the light on.
- Here we are.
- This better be good.
I've built up a little stock
in here.
Frankie thinks
it's all income tax stuff.
- Why should he care?
- Because he's a mean,
tight-fisted little scumbag
and a fella could die of thirst
in this house, that's why!
- Do you know what I think?
- What?
I think you used to work for Farrow,
though gawd knows what as!
And you got caught with your fingers
in the guvnor's cigars, didn't ya,
- Oh...
- and found yourself out on your ear?
Yeah? So one day,
you're in your local drinker,
well bevvied,
and you steam round here
and start intimidating
an oil painting and a sofa!
What are you doing?
Well, it's nice!
It's got style and taste!
- What's occurring?
- Look, Frankie's cuttings.
There must be
one of me in here somewhere!
Haven't you got any little family photos
dotted around somewhere?
You're jo-o-oking!
He used to say the pictures of the family
made him want to puke. No.
See, he had all this
cosmetic surgery done years ago
and he hates to be reminded
of what he looked like before.
Now...
[PANTS]
Here.
[SIGHS] Look.
- It's The Shadows.
- [TUTS]
That's... That's the
Royal Command Performance, 1966,
and that is me,
slightly obscured
by Her Majesty the Queen's right elbow.
- That's you?
- Yeah. Well...
I didn't have any bins
cos I was trying out contact lenses,
but they used to irritate me
and made my eyes all so...
No, no, no. I'm sorry,
this ain't good enough, son.
At 12 o'clock,
I become a raving psychopath!
Ahh!
Beautiful! Fantastic!
Now,
that is me, all right?
- "Frankie Farrow goes to court..."
- Yep.
"A pop idol went to court yesterday
to accompany his brother."
"Chart-topper Frankie Farrow is seen
leaving Marylebone Magistrates Court with...
- brother Derek,
- Yeah. You know.
just being charged with
indecent exposure, as*ault
- That's enough.
- and being drunk and disorderly."
"These offences were alleged
to have been [CHUCKLES]
- committed during housewives'
- I said that's enough!
heartthrob
Farrow's performance!"
Oh there, a right little leper,
aren't you?
All right, all right, Derek,
I believe you.
But it was him
that got it in the news!
It was him that said,
"I'll come down to court with you."
"To stand and speak on your behalf."
He says.
What does he do? He phoned half
of Fleet Street! Got it all in papers.
Oh, look, calm down,
it's just an old newspaper article.
It's not that!
It's HIM!
The way that b*stard always
comes up smelling the roses.
The way everybody falls over themselves
to kiss his feet
for being so nice
to his so troublesome kid brother!
[CORK POPS]
[SIGHS]
And all the time,
he is rubbing my face in the dirt,
the hypocritical, two-faced...
Oh, what's it worth?
It's all over now.
What's all over?
Well, what do you think
I'm doing here,
boozing it up
in a borrowed penguin suit?
I'm holding a wake, man.
I'm carousing by the graveside.
No, hold on.
Don't tell me, let me guess.
Now, this...
ballerina of yours, right, she...
can't bear to be parted from
the delights of your little body, right,
so maddened by frustrated desire,
she finds young Frankie at night,
suffocates him with her tutu, yeah?
And then the pair of you cobble out
a shallow grave in the grounds.
You'll be laughing on the other side
of your face in the morning.
Arthur!
- Hello, love.
- Hmm.
- Isn't Beryl gonna get a nice kiss, then?
- Oh, of course.
- There we are.
- Where's that nice young man?
Nice young man?
Oh, Terry! No, no, no.
I left him at home today becouse I...
I thought I'd like to have a little chat
with you without being disturbed, Beryl.
Oh! I see!
I'd like to mention something
I've had on my mind.
This gets more and more interesting.
Doesn't it, Marcel? [SMACKING]
Look, it's common knowledge, Beryl,
that Alf left you nice and comfortably off,
I mean, everyone knows that,
but that does not prevent you
from wanting to make a profit
on your own account, that it.
How much do you want,
Arthur?
Oh, please, Beryl,
I'm talking about investment.
How much do you want?
- Three grand.
- You can have it. Today.
You won't regret it, Beryl.
No building society will pay
the dividends that I have in mind.
- There is er... one condition, Arthur.
- Fire away.
- You let me cook you dinner tonight.
- I can't wait, Beryl.
Then you'll just have to learn
some self control, won't you?
- Shall we say seven thirty for eight?
- Eight what?
You are a wicked man,
Arthur Daley! [HE LAUGHTS]
And very naughty
to pull my leg like that!
We all know what happens to naughty
boys who do that, don't we, Marcel?
Ooh, look, the bank's just opening.
Could I give you a lift?
You know, I always thought
we make a good couple, Arthur.
Very combatable.
- Compatible?
- Yeah, that too.
Mr Daley! Hm...
Well, well. How's things?
Well, I wanted to discuss the purchase
of some of your... er... automated pigs.
Happy to talk about it any time,
Mr Daley.
There's just er...
one or two little details
I'd like to clear up before I...
come to a decision.
- No hurry, Mr Daley.
- I mean, for example...
"I'd like to look at
one or two of the sites
you have in mind and meet
the people in charge, you know?"
No, nothing personal, you understand,
just to er... set my mind at rest.
- Could you hold on a second, Mr Daley?
- "Certainly."
How am I fixed for appointments
today, Gloria?
"Perhaps I could fit Mr Daley in
after I've seen the accountant."
Righto, sweetheart.
That'll do a treat.
Could I meet you...
round about midday,
Berryman Road playground?
Fine, fine, Kenny.
I'll see you there.
Bye.
[POP MUSIC PLAYS LOUDLY]
What are you doing,
Mr Silver?
Mr Silver,
please stop it!
For crying out loud, Georgie,
stop it!
You know what I was
hearing this morning,
Frankie Farrow's no longer
a client of this agency
and the registered company
of Frankie Farrow Ltd
is going into
voluntary liquidation!
That b*stard's flogged the Rolls and flown
to Spain with the drummer's wife!
I want put Arthur to fix it
so that b*stard
can't lays his hands
to another penny!
- Especially that Dreamhouse!
- OK, OK, Mr Silver.
There, there.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS ON PIANO]
♪ PIANO
[MUSIC]
- Oi!
- You stole my music!
- What did you do that for?
- You locked me out.
- I told you I was locking up, didn't I?
- b*stard.
You been pouring that staf
down your throat all night?
What do you care?
I care when you start smashing up
the house!
Oh, yeah,
the house!
It doesn't matter if I'm dead or alive,
as long as the flaming house is all neat and tidy!
You're as bad
as my bleedin' brother, you are!
"Get that loud Derek
out the house
before he does something disgusting
on the Axminster!"
I've heard it all before.
Oh. He wouldn't stand for that
self-pity ponce you are, right?
I like the sound of you
more and more.
- You b*stard...
- Oi!
[GLASS SMASHES]
[MORE GLASS SMASHES]
You smash anything else, sunbeam,
I'm gonna put you to...
Awf! Gordon Bennett!
What's your game?
Death to music.
- No, no, no, no!
- [GRUNTS]
[GROANS AND SPLUTTERS]
[GIGGLES]
I'm gonna have to get advice
about you.
[BARKS LIKE A SEAL]
And The Lord said,
"Let there be gloom upon the world!"
And there it is...
Low Totteridge.
[SNORTS]
- Here, guess what.
- What?
Your brother wasn't in Las Vegas.
No! He was in a working men's club
in Oldham.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah. Then he sold
the company car
and legged it, didn't he?
It turns out that Dreamhouse
isn't even his.
Oh, beautiful. That's beautiful.
Here,
did you tell Silver about me?
Yeah. He said you can stay
as long as I'm there.
- All right?
- Yeah. Yeah.
Oh, er...
I also told him
about the piano in the pool.
Ohh...
But I don't think it's sunk in!
[BOTH LAUGH]
Sunk in!
[CHILDREN'S CHEERS]
You know, they get bored
with the swings
Sit yourself down here.
Here you are, Arthur.
I won't be a second.
Arthur, this is Mr Woods.
Mr Woods, Mr Daley.
- Mr Woods.
- Pleasure, Mr Daley.
Kenny has been telling me
about your machines.
- Oh, yes. Good.
- Yeah.
I'm very interested.
It's just what we could do
round here, right? I can tell you.
I'm surprised you haven't got
something like that here already.
I could have all kinds of stuff,
but it's a question of the... er...
right proposition.
Hey, erm,
what about the council?
I'm entirely responsible
for this playground, Mr Daley.
And the pitch and putt!
And the pitch and putt.
Yes, I reckon... three or four
of your flying pigs will do...
right there.
There's no problem with power.
Right, I'll be happy to let you
have three, Mr Woods.
Kenny will make
the arrangements.
- Ta.
- Smashing.
Three big ones.
Righto, Mr Daley.
- My office.
- Ta. And you'll...
let us know about those
other sites, will you, Kenny?
Oh. Only too pleased to have you
take an interest, Mr Daley.
Oh!
Good omen, my son.
Yeah.
Oi!
That's my hat!
- [BOY GIGGLES]
- What are you laughing for?
Kids!
Oi!
[HORN]
- Can I help you, gents?
- [NORTHERN ACCENT] Who are you, lad?
I'm the caretaker.
Who are you?
- We're from out of town.
- No?!
What's this piano
doing in t'pool?
Learning to swim.
Come on, state your business.
I got a hard day.
Flash buggers like your
Mr Farrow
shouldn't come up north and spend money
they don't have, pal.
- Mr Farrow's emigrated.
- We know.
That's why we've come to have
a look at t'fixtures and fittings.
Ah. No.
No, I'm sorry, gents, no way. No.
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Let me assist you to a safer place, please?
Really, you shouldn't let them stand
so close to the water,
there could've been
a terrible accident!
Now, gentlemen.
A couple of yards further, please.
What's your game, c*ck?
Oh! Oh, I'm sorry,
I do apologise.
It's just that I thought,
you know, with the...
dark glasses
and the way you was
creeping around
that you were... you know... blind.
- He bloody hit me!
- You bloody hit him.
That's right, son. And if you
don't get him out of here now,
I'll bloody hit you an' all!
He bloody hit me...
up on t'nose!
- C'mon.
- He's hit me.
He won't forget this in a hurry,
you know!
Go! On your bike!
He bloody hit me on t'nose!
Bloody hit me on t'nose!
- Here. Are you all right?
- No.
- D'you want a hand?
- No!
No. Stop that! Let's go inside
and wash it properly.
Hang on! Hang on!
Hang on!
- You don't need that!
- But it's mine!
Just get your face
cleaned up first, eh?
There's a geezer in a tracksuit.
Tasty!
C'mon, I'll introduce you!
- We've come to see Frankie Farrow.
- We're his most dedicated fans.
We want autographs, a tour
of the house and all the perks.
You're joking?
I bought a copy of Dreamhouse
She left it in the sun
and it wrinkled!
Er...
That's a shame, innit?
Listen, the thing is,
Frankie's gone to Spain.
I tell you what, you could meet
his brother Derek.
Better than a poke in the eye
with a burnt stick, eh?
- Yeah.
- Who might you be?
- I'm Terry.
- I'm Barbara. This is Janet.
- She's heavily into blondes.
- Get lost, Bar!
[HORN BEEPS] Well...
Hold on, I've got to let them in.
They've come to cut us off.
Just like bloody home.
♪ "Nowhere man" The Beatles
[MICROPHONE TURN ON]
We shell not see him, than again.
Thank God.
Here, Terry!
Come and feel our biceps!
In a minute, love.
In a minute.
Look, Arthur, for some unaccountable
reason, she fancies you rotten,
so she handed over the capital
with the expectations of you
dropping your Daks.
Oh, my gawd!
Here. Don't come over all shocked!
I mean, you were stringing her along.
If I don't keep her sweet,
she's gonna want four grand from me.
Close your eyes
and think of England, mate!
[KNOCKS ON WINDOW]
'Ey-up, lads,
there's trouble at t'disco
and there's some folks say
it will be closed for good.
- What's all that about?
- His brother used to be famous.
Dear, oh, dear!
Look at the state of it.
Yeah.
He ought to do something
about that face.
- Poor love!
- Mm!
Would he be interested
in a flying pig?
[TOY FROG CROAKS]
[BOTH GIGGLES]
- So where'd you two spring from, then?
- We've run away.
In search of romance.
- You mean sex.
- I remember that!
Run away from what?
I've run away from Neville,
she's running away from Dave.
- It is Dave, isn't it?
- I think so.
I've hardly seen him since he bought
that greyhound a couple years back.
Just the odd whiff of dog food
as he passes me on the way out.
It's funny how you suddenly notice
things that been going on for years.
I suddenly noticed I'd been married
to a man who wears socks
with his sandals.
Grey socks an' all! [LAUGHTS]
So we've left the kids with my mum
in order to enjoy
our unofficial holiday to the full.
Well, you might as well enjoy it
to the full here, eh?
I am!
There we are.
You'll do.
You will stay to dinner?
Terrence went and done the shopping.
Ah.
Arthur!
Ohh,
flowers!
- This is my youngest - Bernard.
- Oh, how do you do?
Thank you, Bernard.
Come through, Arthur.
Have a little drinky.
This is my second youngest -
Stanley.
Stanley.
Ooh, sorry, Ber...
Campari and soda, please, Bernard.
Arthur?
Er, vodka and tonic, please,
Bernard.
T-Thank you. Excuse me.
There.
- Are you all right, Arthur?
- Yes, yes, fine.
I'm a bit tired, you know?
- Not business problems, I hope?
- No, no, no.
No, n-nothing like that.
[CHUCKLES]
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Don't sulk about the boys
being here, Arthur.
I'll get rid of them as soon as
we've got everything we need.
- Here you go.
- I prefer baked beans cold, meself.
- With brown sauce.
- Brown sauce, there you go.
Our Frankie used to avoid
baked beans like the plague.
He used to get so nervous
when he performed live
that he'd break wind
uncontrollably.
The band had to play
twice as loud to cover it up,
so he used to sing twice as loud.
[ALL LAUGH]
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]
Thank you.
Off you go, boys.
Alone at last, Arthur.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
Yeah. At last.
[ROMANTIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Er, Beryl, I think I'd just like
to go to the...
Little boy's room?
Second on the left upstairs.
Ta.
Second on the, er, left, yes?
Ta.
[FRONT DOOR CLOSES]
Oh, my gawd, no!
No.
[No.]
Arthur?
[PLAYFULLY] Arthur!
I do believe you're hiding from me,
you naughty boy.
I'm coming to find you, Arthur!
[BOTTLES CLATTER]
Arthur?
Oh. You're gonna love this house,
you are.
It says one thing this house
and that's "style"!
You know who used to live in it?
Frankie Farrow. He's retired now.
Lives in his big castle
in Spain.
Come on, my little beauty!
[BOTH CHEER]
Now, come on, spread it on thick.
Might as well taste the stuff, eh?
Put ketchup on it, an' all?!
[BOTH LAUGHTS]
- Where'd you find this?
- I told you. In the cellar.
- I couldn't even find the cellar.
- But the wine cellar's in the attic.
Course it is, Malcolm!
Come on, girls.
Celebration time.
Ooh, lovely. Cheers.
Cheers.
[MALCOLM HUMS TO SELF]
Eh. Ta.
I would like to propose
a toast.
Obscurity.
BOTH: Obscurity!
Now that Frankie Farrow,
better known to his admirers
as Old Scumbag,
has finally left the premises,
his young, sensitive and talented
younger brother Derek
may now rise
to his full eminence
without anybody else
sneering.
Or... even...
taking... a piss.
- What are you gonna do?
- Petrol-pump attendant.
Petrol-pump attendant!
What ambition!
Come on, girls, give him a hand!
Oh.
- He's made a splash at last.
- Isn't he a good swimmer?
He's on the piano.
Beryl's boys!
- I had to do a runner last night!
- What did you bring 'em here for?
Cos you're suppose to be
my bloody minder!
- Mum wants a word with you...
- No, no, no, don't touch!
Ow!
Aagghh!
[CAR HORN BEEPS]
Ow!
When you move in properly,
I'll arrange a nice little photocall,
Perhaps have a few drinks for the
Fleet Street lads round the pool.
Here we are. You're gonna
love this, I just know it.
[LAUGHS]
- Here, I want a word with you, old fella.
- Oh, yeah?
- 'Ey-up! You've wet me clothes!
- Get stuffed!
Here, pal...
Whoa!
- Here, I know a way out the back.
- Get your coat, Terry.
There's Dave and Neville!
Ta-ra!
[HORN BEEPS]
Look at t'state of my suit!
What are you...
[ALL SHOUT AT ONCE]
That's really great, man.
[ALL SHOUT AT ONCE]
Round here.
- Do you wanna go first?
- No, no! Go on, go on.
There might be someone
on the other side.
We'll soon see.
- Is there?
- No!
Oof!
Well done, mate!
- [MALCOLM GROANS]
- Come on, come on.
Straight up the ladder.
We'll catch ya.
- Terry!
- You all right?
- [SIRENS WAIL]
- Come on, Terry.
We can't leave him.
C'mon, son.
Oi!
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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