03x06 - Another Bride, Another Groom

[bunniefuu]

Cheers.

Who's been a naughty boy, then?

Who's a naughty boy?

Here's another fine mess
you got into, Stanley.

What's wrong?

What would you say er...
they were, Stan, eh?

I don't know.
I've never seen 'em before.

We don't care if you haven't seen them.
We wanna know what they are.

- They're magazines, ain't they?
- Your starter for 10. Go on.

G-Go on where?

You know what
he's bleating on about, Stan.

Tell us
what magazines they are.

- The Lady...
- And... think about it. Bonus question.

- Country Life.
- Spot-on, Stanley.

Can't fault it. 10 out of 10.

Stanley Quail, from West Hampstead,
reading The Lady and Country Life.

Mr Grantley don't reckon The Lady,
Stan.

He isn't exactly
head over heels with Country Life.

Look, I don't know
nothing about 'em, honest.

You say you don't know
nothing about 'em?

You had 200 weight of 'em
on the back of your lorry.

Country Lifes, Ladys,
National Geographicals,

even had some Beanos and Dandys
mixed up with them.

Mr Grantley don't pay you wages
to go down to Dover

and come back with Beanos
and bleedin' Dandys, does he?

No.

- Going somewhere?
- Only to the khazi.

I'm busting
for a Jimmy Riddle.

That's nerves, that is, Stan.

Go on.

Air conditioning not all that, or was you
thinking of nicking off somewhere, Stan?

- No.
- I wouldn't. Not if I was you.

Not before you tell me where
those two other packing cases are.

Look, I wasn't lying.
I don't know nothing about it.

- Where are they, Stan?
- Honest, I... [GRUNTS]

Where are they?

♪ MINDER THEME

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ Oo-oo-oooh

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ Oo-oo-oooh ♪

Well, I s'pose if you can't, you can't.
That's all there is to it.

I...

No. All right, all right.

Yeah, I'll give you a ring
next week sometime, shall I?

Cheers.
Have a nice night.

- Just been given the bleedin' elbow.
- Can't win 'em all.

I'd like to win a couple
now and again.

[DRUNKEN SINGING]
What's that?

- God...!
- My life!

[LAUGHTS]

You'd think his VAT man
just had a heart attack, wouldn't you?

It's a big day tomorrow.
Wedding bells for Arthur's niece.

'Ere...

Didn't you get an invite?

No, no. I'm keeping a low profile.
Don't want one of those. No, thanks.

Anyway...
That's the mug.

Poor sod don't look
as though he's got it in him!

Are you sure you're not
on the official guest list?

Absolutly positive.

Surely his-nibs has roped you
in for some simple little job.

- No.
- Terry! Have a word, my son?

I wouldn't count your chickens,
Terry.

Dave! Bring a drink over.
What do you want?

- Lager.
- Usual for me.

Usual for him.
I'll have another one of these.

You can have this one.
Ain't been touched.

There you are. Ta.

This is the lucky lad who's got it
all to do tomorrow, Terry.

Darrell Hemsworth, Terry.

Terry McCann.

[NORTHERN ACCENT]
Mr Daley's been telling me.

Terry's solid gold.


Mr Daley,
can you tell me where to find the toilet?

There's nothing out of order, son,
is there?

You feeling a bit Uncle d*ck?

Oh, no, no. I
just wanna use the toilet.

Oh, well, that's all right, then.
Through there. Behind the curtain.

Here you are.
There we go.

Nice lad.

Well, looking forward to tomorrow,
Terry?

Yeah, yeah.

Nicked a point off 'em at home,
you know.

Could get two tomorrow.

[LAUGHS] The wedding,
berk.

Someone getting married?

Darrell's wedding.
Darrell and Trina.

Oh, my God, don't say
the GPO's c*ck it up again.

Your invite
is stuck in the post, somewhere.

- No.
- Yeah.

- Oh.
- Oh.

Still, not to worry, eh?

I mean, I was never very good
at that big occasions,

you know, chit-chat speeches
and all that,

I'd be better off down
with the chaps at Craven Cottage.

- What, and let my little Trina down?
- Eh?

What-what-what is my
little Trina gonna say,

if she thinks, on the most
important day of her life,

you are giving her the blank?

- I don't even know her.
- Not personally, no,

but you have heard me
talk about her.

When?

Just now.

- [SNORTS]
- What about Darrell?

What about Darrell?

Well, I've been singing your praises to him
all the way from the station.

- Do leave it out, Arthur.
- No, no, no, no.

Leave nothing out, Terry.

He is relying on you.

- Eh?
- And me.

You will be doing me a favour,
which you owe me,

and enjoying yourself,
that can't be bad, can it?

Doing what?

Spending a 10 spot.

Oh, what, you mean you're gonna
give me a tenner to spend?

Terry,
it's his stag night, innit?

I mean, I was gonna show him
the bright lights myself,

but this big business deal
cropped up.

No, Arthur,
are you suggesting

- that I'm gonna...
- No, no, no. Terry, Terry.

Every man is entitled
to his stag night.

- Mm.
- It's like the condemned man's

hearty breakfast.

My-my stag night was a corker,
I'll never forget it.

I ended up, I ended up,
at three o'clock in the morning...

Whoops! Oh, never mind
where I ended up.

The point is...

I don't want Darrell
turning up at the church

in the condition I turned up in.

Her Indoors has never forgiven me.

After all these years,
it still rankles.

So you...

Oh, Darrell.
You look after Darrell tonight, eh?

- Where's your drink?
- It's over there.

Oi!
It's Friday, isn't it?

- Yes, it's Saturday tomorrow.
- Yeah, I've gotta make phone calls,

arrange to meet people. You know
what happens on Friday nights.

I mean, the good Lord did not put me
on earth to be a nursemaid, did he?

Oh, Terrence, please, do not let us
bring him into the argument.

The good Lord created us all,
in his... in his own image, right?

And then he dotted your card,
as he dots all our cards,

but he dotted your card 'Minder',
and that is your role for tonight.

Darrell minding.

Where am I supposed to take him?

Just see that he enjoys himself.

Within moderation, you know,
drink, yeah. Night club, yeah.

Dodgy saunas and massage two floors up
ring bell that's definitely off the menu.

Mm. And you expect me
to do all that with a tenner?

- Nah, it's a score, or nothing.
- Oh, no, no, no.

Terry, I'm sorry.


Right, done, 25. Good deal.
Thank you very much.

- Eh?
- 25.

Oh.
All right, then.

I'm gonna have to love you
and leave you, now.

Are you off, Arthur?

Dave, you're not coming
dressed like that, are you?

- Don't worry, I've got all the gear.
- Good.

- All right, for some.
- No, no, no, 25. Right?

- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, yeah.

- Take care, Darrell.
- Oi! Where's he stopping.

Sto...
Didn't I mention?

Be all right if he crashes down
at your place, tonight?

- I've only got one bed.
- Darrell will be no trouble.

I mean, it'd be more convenient
if he kips at your gaff tonight,

cos of when you're on the shuttle
in the morning.

Is there something else
you've forgotten to mention?

No, no, Terry, I assume you'll be
picking up the bride and groom

and dropping 'em down.

No, no, no.
Saturday, innit?

Yeah.

Yeah, well,
Saturday's football, innit?

Terry, how are they
gonna get there?

I don't know. Get 'em a mini cab.

- Mini cab?
- Mm.

Terry, Her Indoors is all set on
a society wedding.

She'll go spare
if they turn up in a mini cab.

Look, I've got a Princess
all laid on.

Terry.
Terry, T-Terry...

- Ah, go on, then.
- Good boy. I'll bring the motor

- round in the morning.
- Right.

See... See he gets his
beauty sleep.

Cheers, Darrell.

- Cheers, Dave.
- Ta-ta.

Where are we going, then, Terry?

- Where do you fancy?
- I don't mind, up to you,

but can we go on t'Underground?
I like t'Underground.

[PHONE RINGS]

- Hello?
- Hello, Reg?

Oh, gawd strewth! You did
half make me jump, Arthur.

I'm on my own.
Wasn't expecting the phone to ring.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Reg,
sorry to bell you tonight,

but I thought I'd better check
that the deal's still on.

You see, it'd be difficult
to ring tomorrow.

- I've got a wedding in the family.
- Yeah, course it's on.

But I go back to word, Arthur, you know me,
if I say I'll do a thing, I do it, son.

[CLATTERING]

Hang about a second, Arthur.

Hello?

Anybody about?

[DOOR CLOSES]

Reg?
Hello, Reg?

- Stone me. It's him again.
- Who?

You know, that bleeding
bent copper, innit?

What's his name?

- I don't know.
- Yes, you do.

Hey, that's Ashmole.
No.

Not little Mr Sticky Fingers
back at his antics?

That's all we need.
We've enough problems without bent filth.

Arthur?

- Everything OK?
- Yeah.

Course everything's OK.
Why shouldn't it be?

Here, listen, listen. These goods
that you're knocking to me,

- they're not dodgy, are they?
- Course they're not dodgy.

I've told you, love, they fall off
the back of this lorry regularly.

They're ready for you now. Question of
how soon you can collect 'em, innit?

Tomorrow morning suit?

Ah, ah, now. Look,
that is the one day I'm lumbered, Reg.

See, I can't do it tomorrow,
cos I've got this family wedding.

You have to make up your mind
what comes first: business or pleasure.

cos it's tomorrow
or not at all.

It's a question of quick turnover,
that game.

If you can't pick 'em up tomorrow,
I've got other customers who can, old sun.

[HORN BEEPS]

[PERSISTENT BEEP]

What do you think?

How do you get the coffin in?

I never mind the funnies.
That is a very valuable vintage Limo.

It's got
a very distinguished history.

History's the operative word,
innit?

- I've seen it on telly, ain't I?
- You haven't.

Yeah.
Laurel and Hardy were driving it!

- Going jogging?
- No, I'm not going jogging.

I've been sleeping on the bleeding
sofa, ain't I? It's freezing.

It's got to be early.
What time is it?

It's not that early.
It must be all of seven o'clock.

- Seven?
- Something like that.

Half-past six type of thing.

Half-past six?
What's your game?

Well, I brought the Limo round,
ain't I?

The Wedding March don't kick off
till 11:15, does it?

Oh, no, no, but I thought I might
beg a favour off you before the off.

What sort of favour?

Da-dah!

Leave off, I'm not wearing that.

But it's a church wedding,
with a proper vicar and an organist.

I mean, a chauffeur's hat
would look right.

- Let him wear it, then.
- Hello? Terry, please.

Get off!

I don't care if it's Westminster Abbey
and Archbishop of Canterbury refering.

No. I'm not wearing a hat.
Put it back.

So what's this favour?

Oh, I just want you to pick up
some books I've bought.

- Books?
- Yeah.

I don't suppose it occurred to you
to put the kettle on, did it?

- Come on.
- It's half-past six.

[SNORES]

What's wrong with you
getting your own books?

Sssh!

Kipping well, ain't he?

Hey, you didn't get him legless,
did you?

You weren't charging round the flesh pots
till the early hours?

- He's a k*ller, that one, you know.
- Why?

Up west,
on the Underground.

Cheese burger, chips,
half a lager,

down Shaftesbury Avenue
and round and round Piccadilly Circus.

What for?

[NORTHERN ACCENT]
He wanted to see the lights.

Well, then, you'll have
a bit of change for me, won't you?

What I was saying was
why can't you collect the books yourself?

Oh, be reasonable, Terry.

What? A day like I've got?

I mean, that's why I've come to you
at the crack of dawn.

I'll never be able to get out again
once Her Indoors has woken up.

Oh, no cigars,
not this time of day.

Oh, my God.

There'll be bedlam at home
at nine o'clock.

All the relations we're bedding
and breakfasting all over the place.

I mean... where am I supposed to learn
my speech?

My heart bleeds for you, Arthur.

They're not all my relations.
Most of 'em are hers.

All right, what are these books?

Books, with writing in,
for reading.

Look, take the Limo,
make it a round trip.

Bung the books in the boot.
Here you are.

I've done you an itinerary.

- Watford?
- No, this side of Watford.

I mean, it's only a stone's
throw out your way.

Oh? All right, I agreed to shunt
the bride and the groom, right?

I did not agree to do
a round-Britain rally.

Come on, Terry, I've done
all the hard graft for you.

Look, I've worked out a route.
Look, read it. Go on, read that.

Time of departure, 07:30 hours.

Proceed to Watford.

Time of arrival, Watford, 08:15...


from here to Watford?

What, Saturday morning, half-past seven?
You'll doddle it.

Right.
Pick up books...

Pick up books.
TOD, Watford, 08:30.

Return to base. TOA here...
BOTH: 09:15.

Drop off literature, pick up groom.
Groom. TOD, 09:40.

And that gives you 10 minutes
for a cup of tea.

- That's bleeding kind of you!
- That's all right.

You drop Darrell off at my place
at 10 to 10.

Put your foot down, all the back doubles,
Muswell Hill in no time.

Pick up Trina, 10:30.

Gives you all the time in the world to get
to St Thomas's for 11:15. I'll see you then.

I suppose you don't want me to drop
into a car wash on the way?

No, don't do that,
you'll ruin the white ribbon.

You're being sarcastic, ain't you?

Listen, this place in Watford,
what is it? A book shop?

Well, no, no, no, it's not exactly a
book shop, as such.

Well, what is it exactly,
as such?

More your marriage guidance.

You know, sort of marital A*DS
establishment.

Marital a-A sex shop?
You mean they're porno books?

Terry, course they're not porno.
Bit fruity, yes.

Why can't the geezer who owns
the shop knock 'em out?

Cos he don't deal much in books.

He sells...
thingies, you know.

I mean, he is holding these few books
that came off the back of a lorry.

This gets better and better,
don't it?!

Not only are they porno books,
now they're bent porno books.

Trust you to get the wrong end
of the stick. Look.

There are these few books
what this man wants to get shot of.

I have Soho contacts.
It'll be a quick turnover job.

I'll be rid of 'em
by tomorrow morning.

Make sure you are cos I'm not
driving around with 'em for the rest of...

- Morning, Mr Daley. Morning, Terry.
- All right, mate?

Morning, Darrell.
Did Terry wake you up?

This is the day, my son.
Live every second of it, eh?

How would you like
a nice cooked breakfast?

Terry here's a dab hand
at a fry-up.

Do what?

Ah, yeah. No, no. Perhaps
on second thoughts better not.

Don't want you going down with
heartburn, do we?

No.

He never said nothing to me about
not picking 'em up himself.

Did he mention a wedding?

Yeah.
Yeah, he did say something,

but he didn't say nothing about
no Terry picking up his goods.

Well, could you try
ringing him?

I've tried him twice.
It's always engaged.

That's Arthur, he's trying
to find out where I am,

ringing you while
you're ringing him.

Listen, I've got to take this bird
to the church, right, the bride.

If we don't hurry up, she's gonna
end up thumbing it, in't she?

Have you got any proof
you're working for Arthur Daley?

Yeah. Yeah, look.
Look at that bleeding' motor.

Course I'm working
for Arthur Daley.

You don't think
I'm driving that for fun, do you?

I tell you what,
drive it round the back, right?

First left, then left again
and Raymond can load it up,

but you do not drive it away
until I've had a word with him. OK?

That's fair enough, yeah.
Just let's get moving, eh?

Follow him.

He's following the geezer in
that tired old banger.

We're following him.

I know about the bridesmaids' posies.

It's not bridesmaids' posies I'm
ringing up to complain about.

It's the individual carnation
buttonholes!

Stop sh**ting those ba*ls
over the place!

Sorry about that. Just clarifying
a few points to my lady wife.

No. Getting back
to the non-arrival...

Oh. Damn! Please!
Sorry. Sorry.

Getting back to the non-arrival
of the individual carnation buttonholes.

Now. You promised me faithfully
they would be here no later...

They're...
Sorry.

Sorry.
Where was I?

Yes. Yes.
Oh, they are?

Oh. Can I have your definite
assurance on that, eh?

I'm very much obliged to you,
madam.

Thank you. I hope yours
is equally enjoyable.

Oi! No chocolate milk
in that front bedroom.

That has been designated
a no-go area for kids.

It's the ladies cloakroom.
Full of her cloaths.

[PHONE RINGS]

We don't want you squirting
chocolate milk all over the place.

- Arthur?
- What?

- Telephone.
- I know it's the telephone,

you stupid in-law.

Daley residence.

Yes, Reg?

Terry?
Is he still with you?

He should be halfway
to Muswell Hill by now,

according to the itinerary.

I know, I know,
but I wasn't to know that, was I, Arthur?

For all I know,
he could've been anybody.

It's Terry, Reggie.
Didn't you know he worked for me?

Oh, no. Don't go on, Arthur,
he's leaving now.

- He's way behind schedule.
- I mean now-now.

As soon as you stop rabbiting
and put a phone down.

Tell him to get a move on.

Hold up... Oh.
What's all this?

What Arthur asked me to get for him.

No, no, no, no.

No, it should've been all
stacked in the boot.

He has stacked up the boot.
Wouldn't all go in.

- They're supposed to be books.
- They are books.

- They're not, they're magazines.
- Same difference.

Cor!

- Oh, my God, that's disgusting.
- Magazines are books.

It's all something to read...
[CHUCKLES] ..or look at.

No, look, look.
This is a wedding motor, innit?

I'm supposed to be taking
the blushing bride to the church.

She will have something to blush about
if she cops an eyeful of these, won't she?

No, no, no, no. Look.
You'll have to unload 'em.

Look. That motor was loaded up
on Arthur's instructions.

If Arthur wants it unloaded,
then Arthur can unload it himself.

- All right. Can I use your phone?
- Be my guest.

I don't want 'em.
They're Arthur's books,

bought and paid for.
You can't unload 'em here.

[ENGAGED TONE]

Just open the doors, will you?

What's he expect for his money?
First editions of Lady Chatterley?

Autographed copies of
The Kama Sutra?

Hang about. No hurry.

I'll find out where they're going.

We'll pick 'em up again later.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Oh, excuse me.
Reggie Reynolds, is it?

- Who wants him?
- A friend of Stan's,

Stan the lorry driver.
Wants to see you, Reggie.

What about?
Where is he?

Don't say you haven't heard.
He's in the hospital.

Hospital?
What's wrong with him?

He's had to have all his face stitched.
He was in this accident.

Accident?
What sort of accident?

A driving accident?
Did something hit him?

That's right, Reggie.
Something hit him - me.

[GRUNTS]

I should get back behind your counter,
sunny, if was you.

'Cos this ain't any of your business,
is it?

And oi!
I wouldn't go doing anything stupid,

like trying to phone the law,
know what I mean?

Smashing.
We understand each other, then.

Now piss of!

[HORN HONKS]

[ENGAGED TONE]

I know I said I'd send a car
to pick up the sherry

but I haven't had a car to send,
have I?

I'm not made of cars,
contrary to popular belief.

- I'll wring their little necks.
- Oh, you see what he did,

Beatrice, we don't know what it is.

If we knew what it was
I could shift it for you.

It's chocolate milk.
I said they shouldn't slop it about.

They should drink it in the kitchen
over the sink.

If it's milk it's fat.
A proper cleaning job.

I wouldn't like to attempt it.

I'll do more than wring their necks.
I'll crucify the little swines!

[PHONE RINGS]

Daley residence.

Terry?

What do you mean, you won't have
time to pick up the bridegroom?

You should've picked him up
already.

Where are you?

No. No, it's the traffic.
It's m*rder, right.

Never mind. Don't tell me now.
Listen...

revised itinerary.
You do the bride,

I'll get young Mick to pick up Darrell,
drop him at the church,

and then double back here
for the sherry,

then he can squeeze a couple
of her sisters in as well.

Just a minute, Terry.
Yes, Graham?

You don't happen to have a collar stud
around the premises, do you?

Collar stud?
Collar studs went out with Clement Attlee.

I have not seen a collar stud
since 1947.

I'll have to wear my other shirt.
I told you he wouldn't have one.

I don't care what he's got.

You're not walking in that church
in a top hat and a woolly shirt!

- Terry...
- Not only on her best coat,

it's all over your fitted carpet.

Well, they'll be all over my carpet
if it is.

Listen, Terry, you can still
do the Muswell Hill pickup, yes?

I suppose so,
at a push, yeah.

Listen, mate,
it's those books, right.

Never mind about that.
If you can do the bride,

- we're in with a chance.
- Don't walk on the carpet...

- until I've been in.
- Listen. Did I mention the sherry?

[DOORBELL] Will somebody please
answer the front door?

I'm on the telephone!

- Er, look. Just a second, Terry.
- I've done what I can for the carpet, Arthur.

Who only knows how you'll clean
the wall. [DOORBELL]

Are you all deaf or something in
this place?

Er, excuse me. Listen, love,
it's mine. I'll be out in a minute.

All right?

Sorry, Arthur.
What we...?

Arthur?

Oi! Arthur!

There you are.
Ta.

[VACUUMING]

[WHOOPING]

Put that hat down! Put it down!
Come on! Stop playing about!

Jason, Tracy, stop playing
with Uncle Arthur.

I ain't playing.

- Everything going all right, Arthur?
- Course it is.

Terry, look...

Terry?

Terry?

Oh, my Gawd.

[CLOCK CHIMES QUARTER PAST]

You look a picture.

Don't worry, love.
It must be on its way.

If there were any major hang-ups,
he'd have given us a ring.

It's all very well you saying,
'Don't worry', Dad,

it's not your wedding.

Where do you think it's got to?

I told you,
it's on its way.

If it's down to your Uncle Arthur
to send a vehicle,

he'll send a vehicle.

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

Better late than never.
There's a Limo pulling up outside now.

- Transport for the bride?
- Yeah, that's right, chief.

Better wheel her out,
I'm running a bit behind time.

Have you got room?

Oh, yeah,
there's stacks of room,

as long as she don't mind
sitting in the front with me.

- Where do I fit in?
- You? Why, who are you?

I'm Mr Ellerby,
I'm the father of the bride.

Nobody said anything about
taking the father of the bride.

It's been an oversight,
then.

Because the bride's father always
journeys with the bride. Always.

It's traditional.

Look, just tell her to keep calm.
I'll shuffle things about.

Don't panic, that's all. And...
I promise I'll get you there on time.

We'd be extremely grateful.

Did anyone say anything about
two crates of medium sweet sherry?

Oh, cheers.

- Bride or groom's side?
- I'm neutral.

Friend or relative of
the bride or groom?

Ah. I'm the bride's uncle's
business associate.

Oh. Er...
Either side.

Business associate?

Not many.
[MUTTERS]

Come on.

[SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC]

Are you all right, Trina?

Wonderful!

Won't be long now,
if the light stays with us.

They won't be going
into church with us.

[LAUGHTS]
They'll be going onto the reception.

We're going to toast the health
of the bride and the groom.

We're having a sparkling rose
at the luncheon.

That's arriving with the caterers.

Terrific.

- You took your time, didn't you?
- Arthur, don't. NO! Oh!

Oh, my goodness.

You see to them,
I'll see to these.

- Right. [THUD]
- Arthur!

Sorry about the sherry, Malcolm.

How's my little Trina?

Give you a comfortable ride,
did she?

Like being on a magic carpet,
sitting back in one of these, innit?

These books of yours...

they're all magazines,
thousands of 'em.

- That's disgusting.
- That's what I said.

It's not physically possible.

- Is it?
- Yeah.

- Yeah, well, get rid of 'em.
- Rid of 'em? Where?

I don't know,
find somewhere to stash 'em pro temps.

- Take 'em round to your place.
- In 20 minutes?

Listen, according to your
itinerary, it's 11:30, TOD,

- right?
- Right.

Get the bride and groom,
take 'em to the reception, right?

- Right.
- TOA 12:50 hours.

- right?
- Right.

Well, that isn't humanly possible,
is it?

And there's another fly in the
ointment.

Is the Old Bill on the guest list,
or is he a bona fide gatecrasher?

Detective Constable Ashmole?

- What's his caper?
- Been following me since Watford.

- Why? What you been up to?
- Nothing.

Nor have I, so it can't be nothing
to do with me.

No, no, no, there's nothing wrong
in good, clean porn.

We're living in a liberated,
democratic society.

All right. All right.

Supposed to be. Get shot of it.
And where's your tie?

[SOLEMN ORGAN MUSIC]

- Bride or groom's side?
- CID.

- Terry?
- Yeah?

There's a mate of yours here,
Reggie, he wants a word.

- Reggie, here?
- Yeah.

He's in the back.

I'll just look after these,
all right?

Excuse me.

Pardon.
Sorry.

Excuse me.

Many thanks.

Morning, Mr Daley.

Unexpected honour, innit?

- I wondered if I might have a word.
- Leave it out.

It's a bit inopportune.

♪ Here Comes The Bride

Are you on the bride's side
or the groom's side?

Get in, smart arse.

One of your friends
wants to talk to you.

- A bit of hard b*stard are you?
- I've been known it called a bit.

♪ Where streams of
living water flow

♪ My ransomed soul He leadeth

♪ And where
the verdant pastures grow

♪ With food celestial feedeth ♪

Right there, that's lovely.
Just hold it like that. That's lovely.

Just a bit closer together.
[LAUGHS] That's very good.

I like that, yes. You look lovingly.
Really lovingly. Come on.

OK, right. Now, er...
that's great.

Perhaps we could have
a few group shots now, eh?

Yeah. Immediate relatives
and family.

That is immediate relatives and
family of the bride and groom

Darrell's mum and dad,
over by the... groom.

Malcolm. Malcolm and your dear lady,
over by the bride.

Right. Graham?
Graham, over there with Maude.

And Beattie and...
Detective Constable Ashmole.

No, no, carry on, please.

I don't know what you want,
Mr Ashmole,

but if you are immediate family,
I'm filing for divorce.

I'm trying to contain my patience,
Mr Daley,

which,
under the present circumstances,

I'm finding very difficult.

I'm still waiting to have a word.
What, now? [BELLS PEAL] Now.

- What, now?
- Now.

Have a heart,
it's my niece's wedding.

Can't it wait till after
the reception?

If I get on the blower, Mr Daley,
which I'm of a mind to do,

there'll be a squad of cars
converging on this church.

From all points of a compass.

Your niece, her hubby and
the rest of these good people

will be continuing
their festivities down the nick.

- What am I gonna tell 'em?
- Tell 'em anything you like,

but you and me are going off
to have a chat, all right?

All right. Come on.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

Won't be a moment.

There's been a slight hiccup over
flight departures.

This gentleman's from the travel agency.
Carry on, Dave.

Have you got all the photos
you want?

Through here.

- Right, then, Mr Daley...
- Now look.

Don't you, 'Right, then, Mr Daley' me,
Mr Ashmole.

For starters, you can explain
what right you have,

or think you have,

to arrest me in front of my
immediate family and friends,

and you'd better have just cause,
Mr Ashmole,

or I'll have your superiors down on
you like a ton of wet concrete.

- Don't lose your bottle.
- There is nothing wrong with my bottle.

My conscience is clear.

- Is it?
- Crystal.

Oh.
Forgive me for saying so,

but you must have
a very short memory, Mr Daley.

May I be allowed
to jog it for you?

Does two packing cases full of obscene
publications ring any bells at all?

Obscene publications?

Two packing cases full.

The ones your sidekick has been
humping round all morning

in a vehicle disguised as
a bridal Limousine.

That IS a bridal Limousine.

Oh, you do admit to a knowledge
of possessing this obscene porn?

No, they're not all that bad.
Bit fruity, yes.

Fruity? It's...
[BELLS STOP RINGING]

It's downright degrading
and disgusting filth.

And you're conveying it,
not only on the public highways,

but parking it outside
a house of God.

That's not only handling
obscene publications, Daley,

it's sacrilege to boot.
You're for the high jump.

Look Mr Ashmole,
I can stand a bent copper,

but what I can't stomach
is when they're holier than thou.

All right, all right.
What's it gonna set me back?

Are you trying to bribe
a plain clothes officer, Mr Daley?

Look, I know you, Ashmole,
you know me.

Normally, I wouldn't give you
a brass farthing.

Come on.
How much am I in schtuck for?

Dealing in obscene porno muck?

- Could get six months.
- Come off it.

Get any of them books
in a dozen shops in Soho.

£100 fine would be the worst
and a good solicitor would get me off.

No,
you've set me off for this.

You nobbled me at a time of maximum
embarrassment and inconvenience.

All right.

Fair enough, you win.

Just this once.

You ARE trying to bribe me,
Mr Daley.

- How much?
- How much you got?

Er... the photographer's finished
taking the photographs, Mr Daley.

Oh, I'll be there in just a jiffy,
Michael.

Just lobbing this gentleman
a surcharge for the air fares.

Right.

I'll be honest with you, Mr Ashmole,
I laid out 250 for them books.

I'm hoping to unload 'em for 500.

I'll give you two-and-a-half
and forget my profit margin.


the course of justice?

It's all I've got on me.
I'm not gonna haggle with you.

It's a take it or leave it job.

I'll take it.

He ought to see a quack.
He could do with some stitches.

Are you his medical consultant,
are you?

Keep your face shut.

???

Oh, we haven't all got your
managery expertise, Arthur.

Darrell, Trina, you should've gone
off in the leading car,

to be first at the reception to receive a
congratulations of the arriving guests.

- He won't take us, Uncle Arthur.
- He says he's waiting for you.

Mr Daley?

- Who are you?
- Relief driver, Mr Daley.

Relief driv...
Here, where's my man Terry?

Gone on in front. I'm driving you,
and you, Mr Ashmole.

- Me?
- Yeah.

Mr Grantley did mention
that he'd be obliged

if you pop along as well.

This motor
has been specifically earmarked...

Who's this Mr Grantley?
What about the bride and groom?

- I'd do as he says.
- Get in, Mr Daley.

- I wouldn't argue.
- Who is this Grantley?

- Is he one of your lot?
- No chance.

Fine, fine. Fine, fine.
Fine, fine.

No problems, everyone. Just a slight
revisal of our previous itinerary.

Now, I shall be journeying
in this vehicle with... Mr Ashmole,

Darrell and Trina, you make your way
to Birkdale Rooms in Malcolm's car.

Oh, Beattie, Maude, you came in
Malcolm's car, didn't you?

Well, do you think you could squeeze in
on your way back with

one of the bridesmaids
and Dot and Col?

Dave, you can get the bus.

Eh. Has the other bridesmaid
any rude at objection

to travelling to the Birkdale Rooms
on the back of Russell's moped?

Hey. Get in, Mr Daley.

Anyway, sort things out as best you can.
I'll see you at the reception.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[HORN HONKS]

Lovely.
Great.

Do you think we can have a smile?

[CHUCKLES]

Oi! Oi! Driver,
you're going the wrong way.

Birkdale Rooms is in the other
direction.

We have to pay a visit first.

Mr Grantley wants to see us.

Who is this Mr Grantley?

Who's Mr Grantley?
He's the top man, isn't he?

Right, Mr Ashmole?

Top man in what?
Villainy?

Villain?

Is that what you called me,
Mr Daley?

No, no, I was
speaking figuratively.

I mean...
Speak as you find, innit?

I call that a case of right boot
being on the wrong foot.

Think about it, Mr Daley.

You were found to be in possession
of property that legally belongs to me.

- I didn't know they'd been nicked.
- Did you ask if they'd been nicked?

Well, not in so many words, no.

No, look, Mr Grantley, I honestly thought
they'd fallen off the back of a lorry.

Did you also think that
the comics and Country Lifes

had jumped up
on the back of a lorry?

Well, I don't know nothing about
comics and Country Lifes.

It's been tried before.

Lorry weighs out at customs,
weighs in at the warehouse.

The weight's the same,
the load's just that little bit different.

Yeah, I'm sure there's been
a simple misunderstanding.

Not a misunderstanding, Mr Daley,
a criminal offence.

You have the temerity
to call me a villain.

No, no,
slip of the tongue.

You're the miscreant, Mr Daley.
You're the criminal.

I'm the innocent, upright,
injured, law-abiding citizen.

Is that why you use these toerags
to do your dirty work?

Business executives,
Mr McCann.

The business world is dog eat dog.

It's up to me to ensure that my dogs
are big enough to eat and not get eaten.

Yeah. Well, they must have had
terrible difficulties

sizing up the opposition
when they picked up Reggie!

Thou shalt not nick,
Mr McCann,

because if thou dost, thou shalt
get thy knuckles rapped.

Didn't they teach you that
at Sunday school?

Didn't anybody teach you
that knocking out porno magazines

doesn't exactly make you
whiter than white?

There you go, Mr McCann,
like your colleague, Mr Daley,

jumping to conclusions.

I do not knock out
porno magazines.

Don't you?

Right boot,
wrong-foot syndrome again.

You knock out porno magazines.

My business is
whiter than white.

Waste paper?

I don't dabble in scrap metal.

I'm more of a dilettante
of scrap metal.

Put it this way,
if I was going on Mastermind,

waste paper would be
my specialised subject.

So all these porno mags
are down to you, for waste.

- Right.
- You're not gonna pulp 'em up?

Right again, Mr Daley, I'm not.
You're gonna pulp 'em up.

- I'm gonna watch you do it.
- I don't understand.

If you're gonna pulp 'em
into waste paper,

why couldn't you make do with
the comics and Country Lifes?

Render unto Caesar,
Mr Daley.

Pardon?

Country Lifes belong to you.
The dirty books are mine.

To each his own.

Do you know
what this lot's worth?

Not a lot.
Over issue, pap.

Five quid a hundredweight.

Do you get a lot of this,
coming here?

- A couple of lorry loads a month.
- Couple...

Look, Mr Grantley, if you and me done a deal,
I could make you a fortune.

I've got a fortune.

Yeah.

Well, you could have another one
for a rainy day, could you?

Do you know what I could get for these
on the open market?

About three years,
with remission for good behaviour.

These publications are the property
of Her Majesty's Government.

Obscene literature, Mr Daley,
published on the continent.

Confiscated at their port of entry
by the Obscene Publications Squad.

You and your accomplices

were responsible for
nicking naughty books

that had already been nicked
at Dover by the police.

- You never mentioned that to me.
- Never knew myself, Arthur.

It comes to me
on government contract.

Have you got a government contract
for these two-bob bully boys

to go putting themselves about,
eh?

It's a hard world, Mr McCann.
I've an image to preserve.

Talking of images, where do you fit in,
in this jigsaw, Mr Ashmole?

I mean, you're not with
the Obscene Publication mob.

Mr Ashmole got wind of the fiddle
my driver was working

and, in his off-duty hours,
unbeknown to his superior officers,

Mr Ashmole's been working
a little fiddle of his own.

Yeah, like the 250 green ones
he fiddled off me.

Mr Ashmole will be toeing
a straight and narrow line in future,

beginning now,
by handing back your two-and-a-half.

I have overheads, Mr Daley.

I've had three highly paid
executives on this one.

They have to have their wages.

I hate leaving filth like this
around over the weekend.

You never know what dirty-who-minded
so-and-so might get his hands on it.

Gentlemen,
shall we make a start?

I'm sure we've all got things
we want to get away and do.

[WHIRRING]

Get in!

Oi! I've told you before.
Pick on someone your own size.

Putting your name on the list?

I'm putting my name
top of the list.

You in or out?

In or out of what?

Listen, Grantley, I think this is
a one-to-one situation, don't you?

I mean, you don't want your executives
mixing it with a copper, do you?

Even one as bent as him.

No, could cause some
terrible complications.

That's well-observed,
Mr McCann.

Come on, then.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

Come on, then.
Come on, you toerag.

[CHEERING]

- Come on, darling.
- All the best.

Right, just hold it there.

Hold it there.
Right. Lovely.

[HORN HONKS]
Oi!

[ENGINE BACKFIRES]

You are not going to believe
what happened to us.

Only had it nicked, didn't we?

Left it for two minutes,
went into a sweet shop,

take a pack of a mints,
came out,

there it was,
gone.

I mean, the CID deserve a medal for
getting it back quite so quickly.

Cor!
What happened to Terry?

What?
Oh, Terry. Ter...

What? What?
He deserves two medals.

They parked it up this cul-de-sac,
you see, these yobbos,

then made a run for it,
Terry goes after the big one.

Flying tackle! Buff!
Oh, twickenham wasn't in it.

Look, are you going to talk all day
or get them to Gatwick?

No, no, no. You are, my son.
Come on, my darlings.

- What do you mean, I am?
- Get in there.

Goodbye.

Have a lovely time.

Put your foot down, my son,
you'll make it.

I'm gonna put my foot down,
one of these days.

Get out the way.

Bye! Bye-bye! Behave yourself!

Bye! Bye!

Well, as the poet said,
all's well that ends up all right.

[EXHAUST BACKFIRES]

[HISSING]

Arthur! Oi!
Come back here! Oi!

DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"

♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation

♪ Right people right time

♪ Just the wrong location

♪ I've got a good idea

♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you

♪ I could be so good for you

♪ I'll do it like you want me to

♪ Love you like you want me to

♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh

♪ I'll be so good for you ♪