♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
Excuse me, sir!
I was wondering... It's...
I've... I've got to get to hospital
and there aren't any buses!
- Could you...
- I'm not going that way!
- Anywhere near, that's OK.
- No, no,
- I'm sorry, I'm busy.
- A soldier of the Queen...
Get a bloody bus!
Thank you, sir.
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYS]
- Excuse me, sir. I...
- Piss off!
And the same to you,
friend!
Have you got a second, sir?
I've got to go to the hospital!
I was wondering if you could...
Jump in, pal!
Eh?
Terry!
Oh! Thanks!
[SIGHS]
Are you serious about the hospital?
I'm working, for God's sake.
Oh, dear.
I'm sorry about that!
So, that's your game, is it?
You cadge a lift, and then eh...
put the bite on them?
Well, it's a living, Terry.
A living.
You spill a yarn. You've got say...
four minutes to make them feel guilty
that they've got an expensive motor
and the man like myself
haven't even got bus fare.
It's an act
with flare.
[CHUCKLES]
The hospital -
that always gets them.
Mind you,
some of them like to hear
that you've just come out of prison.
Strange, isn't it?
A fiver.
A tenner sometimes.
JJ Mooney...
Ahhh.
How are the mighty fallen.
I used to tell stories about you,
you know.
People couldn't believe
what you did.
I heard you were ill.
Yes.
That was a good one.
Would you pull up at the first...
betting shop, Terry, please?
Would you put a bet on for me?
You know, we know the cards...
Hard work.
On the nose,
Linda's Friend, the four o'clock at Newbury.
Here we go in.
One ploughman's lunch here.
We haven't had a ploughman
in here for a week or two!
And here is a Campari soda.
That's very agricultural.
He is my accountant.
Give him a bit of pickle.
Here. Here we are.
You know, Arthur, that'll be like...
- 5p extra?
- Forget it.
Well, I've served it now.
He'll tell you all about soaring overheads.
Oh... On the account, Arthur?!
Expenses, expenses.
Overheads, underhands...
On top of everything else,
they want taxes.
Yeah, well, you haven't paid tax
for five years, Arthur.
Gees. What I fancied today
was a nice Chinese meal.
This is a business meeting, Andrew.
Well, don't they eat - businessmen?
They are after you, Arthur.
- Us.
- No.
You.
They want their pound of flesh, eh?
I think they'd be quite happy
to have two ounces of cheddar cheese.
I mean, five years, Arthur!
And you have not paid a tosheroon.
Tosheroon?
Where do you get these words, Andrew?
What is it with me -
all my clients are the same?
- You mix with the wrong people.
- And don't I know it!
Ah. You see, they don't hold with the system,
that's what it is.
And... It's getting worse.
They don't pay... anyone.
Incidentally,
there's your last year's bill.
You may have mislaid it, Arthur.
[SIGHS]
Oh, well.
The man from the Inland Revenue
wants to know about your expensive motor.
But I explained that to you.
I know! I know!
But maybe you could explain it better
to him,
to give him the verbal
man-to-man.
But that is what I pay you for.
Pay? I'm sorry,
did I hear the word 'pay'?
Money.
That's funny, innit, Andrew?
It went out with Stanley Matthews
and long shorts.
Eat up, the pickle was extra.
Is Arthur still game for a lark?
Your kind of lark?
Well, I can't get round
as much now. I need a partner.
You know, someone who's straight,
honest, hard-working,
loyal,
all those old-fashioned values.
We are talking about Arthur Daley,
aren't we?!
Yes, indeed.
A good man, eh?
Well, yeah, he's...
good as gold, Arthur.
[COMMENTARY ON TV]
'..Linda's Friend in the hoop jacket
on the nearside.
- 'Well inside the final furlong now.'
- Come on!
Kick him on!
He's done it!
- 'Linda's Friend wins.'
- Got a winner, JJ!
I don't care how many winners
you get,
not you and me
in business together.
You are famous.
Famous for pulling more strokes
than Oxford and Cambridge put together.
You don't understand it, Arthur.
That's another thing.
I don't, you do.
Listen.
We put an ad in The Sporting Life,
we get a little office
with a good postal address.
We get three telephones.
Now, we don't ask for money.
- We don't what?
- No fees from clients.
They phone us, we give them a horse.
All we ask is this...
If you bet, put on £10 for us
and if it wins,
please send a cheque or postal order
to this address.
That's
our commission.
- They've got to be barmy!
- Don't you believe in trust, Arthur?
Oooh.
The commercial world
is based on trust.
Don't you realize it? That's the system.
You pay your debts.
You work for a factory,
they give you a wage at the end of the week.
Trust, see?
You win the pools, they give you money.
That's trust.
Rent.
That's trust.
Well, there are a few transgressors,
like I said.
That's why they have laws.
- Yeah, and we'll be breaking all of 'em.
- Not at all.
We are selling an advisory service.
We...
are consultants.
It's quite legal.
I'll even put up
all the money myself.
- You'll what?
- And it's my shot.
- You... You... You'll put up all the dough?
- Yes.
- What was the SP, Terry?
- Six to one.
Good! In that case I think,
we'll broach on a bottle of Moet.
- What?
- My pleasure, JJ,
- but it is £17 a bottle.
- Why not?
- Look, let me get this straight...
- You heard, Arthur, you heard.
Eh... Could you cash me a wee cheque,
Dave?
- Well, No disrespect, but...
- No matter, Dave. No matter.
Here we are.
Say no more!
- Three glasses?
- And one for yourself, Dave.
Eh... Well,
are we in or out, Arthur?
Well, er...
You'll be needing some
walking-around money, would you?
How about eh...
On account.
I'm investing in your energy
and acumen, Arthur.
As it happens, JJ,
you're a very good judge.
Look at that.
The fastest hands in the west.
Well.
Here's to...
- a fruitful... partnership.
- Good luck.
Here's to a successful
business venture, Arthur.
Yeah. It's a privilege
to work with the man.
Aren't we the lucky ones, eh?
Birthday?
Rebate from the rates?
Have your usual half a bitter,
will you, Mr Chisholm?
Yeah, just in line of duty
I'll have a Scotch.
Right.
Did I just see young Terry
with the remarkable JJ Mooney?
No idea.
Why, is it a crime?
You don't know?
He's just turned over
The London Clinic for 13 grand.
- Eh?!
- Open-heart surgery.
Plus two-and-a-half grand
for the Grand Hotel in Brighton
for his convalescence.
Got some style hasn't he?
The London Clinic, eh?
It's Liz Taylor had her operation there.
No, it's arab. Richard Burton, the Sheikh
of Araby and Uncle Tom Cobley n'all.
Wow. You'll be able to get him
in about ten years time
when they change his batteries
on his pacemaker.
They'll get him.
- You ever heard of Sprott of the Yard?
- No.
Sprott's life ambition
was to nick JJ.
Until he got nicked himself
by our own Gestapo.
Somebody else will get JJ.
Is that the best you people can do -
a sick man?
Bank robberies everyday,
b*mb outraged with t*rrorists,
r*pe rife on the streets!
Oh, dear, Arthur.
- You haven't been interfered with, have you?
- Very droll.
JJ was a hero during the w*r.
Highly educated.
One of the best.
One of nature's gentlemen,
- pure gold.
- That's enough, Arthur.
Cor, dear.
Do you owe him money or something?
Me? No, no.
I hardly even know the man.
I always knew you were a toff
but how do you get away with it, eh?
It's experience
and a little bit of flair.
And know what, Terry?
You have to believe in it.
Psychic sanity.
Who do you wanna be?
A lord of the realm
or international financier
or well-known
theatrical impresario?
Then be that person.
Split personality...
a dozen personalities.
- See you tomorrow, Terry.
- Yeah, cheers.
JJ!
[HORN BEEPS]
Hiya, Georgie.
Hi.
[MUMBLES]
[RAISED VOICES]
Yeah, all right, hang on.
- Have you got anything for me today, Max?
- Yeah, four parcels.
- Four? It sould be...
- Nothing for you, Chip.
Harry, Harry,
take care of that.
[ALL TALK AT ONCE]
- Sorry, darling.
- Excuse me.
- Hello, Arthur! How are things?
- Great. Great.
- You see. I need an address.
- Yeah. All right, pal.
The... The point is,
I need it immediately.
- Excuse me, mate.
- Are you there? The point is...
- What are you in, Ernie?
- What? Oriental Carpets.
- ..sonic footprints...
- Keep the change. Oi!
I buy the carpet from a fella.
No overheads, see?
Have you got anything
for British Medallions?
No. Nothing.
- The thing is I need your address...
- George Orwell. You know, 1984?
[ALL TALK AT ONCE]
ARTHUR: I need it immediately! Hello?
[ALL TALK AT ONCE]
- What are you on, Arthur?
- Consultancy.
You can't go wrong, man.
We did consultancy.
Villas in Marbella.
I had a Spanish waiter
on the firm.
- This is the firm.
- Yeah, yeah.
Mayfair Course Consultants.
It's very nice.
You can walk from Mayfair to here.
Oi, you! Oi!
Ask, don't touch. All right?
It's to Bombay.
- Sorry.
- Yeah, I'm sorry, too. Nothing.
Now, look,
it's 50 lid for a week, a loan for free.
Well, listen.
This is a long-established firm.
- It could go on for a long time.
- Alright. Fair enough.
Hello? Look, I've only got a letter for you
from Customs and Excise.
Yeah, well, it's not my bloody fault,
is it?
What?
- He hung up.
- Yeah.
Alright, then look. If we're in business
in six weeks, we'll have another chat.
Anything, Mo?
- What is it, Caledonian Forests?
- No, that was last month.
- Forest In Snowdonia Ltd now.
- Oh, yeah.
- Here we are, five. Be lucky.
- Thanks, Mo.
Now. Are we in business or not?
Look, we expect the first load
in about four days.
OK. You'll have your name on the door.
You'll need a bigger door.
- And I shall need a receipt.
- You what?
We're a bonafide business.
What would my accountant think?
All right, give me your full name,
address and number,
just in case
someone wants to find you.
If we don't trust each other,
where are we?
- Mo, innit?
- Yeah. My very own sentiments.
- Arthur - that is the name.
- That's right, Mo.
- Here, Mo, this ain't mine!
- You what?
Do it yourself.
For your own Racing Tipster?
He'll try anything,
would he, Arthur?
- Come on, Mo, where's my pawn parcels?
- You're standing on 'em.
That letter heading's all right,
isn't it?
Hmm.
Not bad, eh?
West 1. It's the wrong side
of Oxford Street, but... who cares?
Now, who are all these directors?
Guy Ernest MBE,
that's me.
I've used that name before.
Lucas Herman.
Just a fella.
- And Sir John Franklin?
- He's a boozer.
Or more to the point, 'it'... is a boozer -
a pub in the East India Dock Road.
They love a title in this country,
particularly the racing fraternity.
- Yeah. Where... Where's Sir Arthur?
- Looking for telephones.
- Don't they work?
- Yeah, yeah. Lovely.
- Is it broken, then?
- No, no, no. OK.
Only... I like to keep
the hooligans out.
Oh, yeah. Man
after my own heart!
- You... you're the guv'nor here?
- Yes, I am in charge here.
A credit to British Rail,
if I may say so.
- Is that one all right?
- Good as gold.
You don't mind my asking, but...
you're from the GPO?
No, not exactly,
but I am what you might call a...
telecom expert,
- em... if you know what I mean.
- Oh, yeah, yes!
You're... You don't happen to have
the odd 10p on you, do you?
Oh, yes! Right.
- Here you are.
- Oh, ta.
Yeah.
[PHONE RINGS]
That's alright, I'll get that.
Valley Enterprises.
Terry? Is old JJ there?
I've got some good news for him.
'Hello, Arthur.'
JJ, we've cracked it.
I've found an office
with three phones.
Good, innit?
- Oh, not too near the edge, Sir.
- Oh, no, no.
Nice station.
- Yeah, it's like being in the country.
- Yeah.
- Not much traffic.
- Oh, I don't know. You'd be surprised.
I mean the 4.10 to Broad Street
is due in five-and-a-half minutes.
So? Right.
I'd like to see it that.
No, what I meant was,
it's not exactly Waterloo.
- Oh... I used to work there.
- Oh, yeah?
Still, this place suits me.
For now.
- Plenty of bunts?
- Eh?
Well, you know,
fringe benefits.
I mean apart from the odd excursion
to Broad Street.
We... We've got
a nice darts league.
Oh! Bit of a sportsman, eh?
Well, as I'm sure you'll realise,
I'm the...
area manager
for one of the big multinationals.
- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.
I'm always dashing
all over the place, you know.
My sales staff find it very difficult
to get hold of me sometimes.
Three public telephones and...
they'd be able to get hold of me.
- What can I do, though?
- Well...
If you was to put some stickers
on the kiosks... saying, 'out of order'
for, say...
between... 11am and 2pm,
and keep an eye out for any vandals,
I mean, you would not only be helping
your country... and me, but also yourself.
I'm not altogether sure that...
You're not thinking for one moment
it's ill*gal, are you?
I mean would I suggest that?
- I don't know.
- No, no, no. Course not.
No, no. I talked to our legal department
and they said 'no sweat'.
I mean it's got to be more interesting
then watching Jimmy Savile
grinning out of the window every time
the train goes through, innit?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, why do you need three phones?
New York... Chicago...
Paris... Amsterdam...
..Melbourne.
I mean there's lots of people
trying to get in touch with me. Contracts.
Jobs for British workers.
And what I'm doing?
I'm on the dog and bone
to San Francisco
and the geezer from Milan
is getting the engaged signal.
Now, if he had another number,
we'd be in business.
You see, I drive from Southampton
to my office in Mayfair
and I stop here -
it's the perfect place. Key point.
I mean
you may call this Acton Green,
- I call it Providence.
- Oh, yeah!
Oi, Caxton!
That's confidential.
It's gotta be a wind-up,
innit?
'We are selling information.
If you phone us
on one of these numbers,
we will give you our considered
expert selections for three races.'
Arthur!
I don't believe it!
- Hold up. It gets better. Look.
- We know what's in it.
'When you put down your heavy wager,
include a £10 bet for us.
That's our commission.
You pay only when you win.
We are trusting you
just as you are trusting us.'
A spirited rendition.
You'd better get down the Old Vic.
Old Bailey more likely.
Don't printers take an oath,
like doctors or something?
Don't answer that!
You are privy
- to very secret information.
- Don't upset yourself, Arthur.
- Are you a betting man, sir?
- Yeah, I like a punt.
Well, in that case, you
from all people should know
that there is good information,
good connections, good sources.
That's the way professionals
get their living.
We didn't ask them to.
- Would you like a tip for tomorrow?
- What?
Dunlop's horse in the 3.30.
John's an old friend of mine.
Yeah.
Pancho Punch?
Obviously, I can't guarantee
that it will win.
What would you like to give me
a tenner now for the information
or £55 less tax
after it wins?
It's, er, it's a good 'un, is it?
This is JJ!
Not your scout or Captain...
Cohen
or whatever his name is.
All right,
I'll give you a tenner.
Take it off the bill.
Are they ready now?
- Yeah.
- Let's have 'em out to the car, son.
And then what?
The next guy that phones up,
I'll give him three other names.
And the next guy,
three other horses.
Then I go back to the first horses
if somebody else phones.
Simple, innit?
All the great ideas in history
were simple, my son.
- Were they immoral, n'all?
- You couldn't even spell that.
There's nothing immoral about it.
All the papers give their daily nap.
JJ is using the same form book.
You're always going on about
improving yourself.
Well, this is it. This is an office job.
Receptionist c*m manager.
Responsibility.
- There you are.
- What?
There it is.
- Where's the office?
- Nah, nah, nah. That is it.
Hold on. Do you mean I'm minding
three public phones?
What's wrong with that?
You're always saying you like open-air jobs.
- I'll get nicked!
- Of course you won't get nicked, Terry.
They are ours. Look at the stickers.
'Out of order.'
- You're out of order!
- Now. Terry, Terry, Terry.
The railwayman is on the firm.
Look, there he is now.
Simple, working-class hero.
One of the lance corporals of life.
Salt of the earth.
Cor, you can pick 'em,
can't you?
- Well, I'll see you.
- Hold on! Hold on! Look.
Can't you at least
take the first call?
I would if I could, Terry.
But I have got to go and meet
the Inspector of Taxes.
- Eh?
- Yeah.
I've got to change into
my Inland Revenue set.
You don't have all these troubles.
You are a free spirit.
I'm the one who has to fend off
these busybodies,
- my shou...
- All right, all right!
..so that you and me
can get a decent crust.
Eh, Terry.
When you have a moment,
clean 'em out, will you?
They don't half pen and ink.
What's happened?
Everything out of order?
Well, erm...
Why, do you want to phone someone?
Not really.
Oh.
[PHONE RINGS]
- That might be for me!
- No, it's probably for me.
My man phones me every week.
He's a night clerk at Nairobi Hilton!
- That's why he got access to the phone.
- Well, I'll just check it, all right, dear?
- All right.
- Thank you.
Hello.
Mayfair Course Consultants.
- Er...
- Hm?
I don't want to look too flash.
No.
- You're not gonna cry, are you?
- Course not!
I'm not after sympathy, Andrew.
I'm after money.
A little limp, perhaps...
[PHONE RINGS]
Hello. Mayfair Course Consultants?
Yeah. Can I have your club number, please?
[PHONE RINGS]
Yes, we have three selections today,
yes.
The first one,
we have great hopes for.
- Hello?
- Pardon?
- Jenefer Gaffer?
- No, no, no, no.
- Great Hopes isn't the name!
- Nairobi?
- No, the name is Flying Duck.
- Oh, no. Hold on!
Yeah, Kempton, three o'clock.
Flying Duck.
Excellent.
Yeah. Flying Duck, Kempton,
- three o'clock.
- He wants the selections!
- Eh?
- Selections!
Could you hang on one moment,
please, sir? Thank you.
- Look.
- Uh-huh.
- Tell him that name...
- Uh-huh.
- ..that name
- Uh-huh.
- and that name. Right?
- Right.
- Oi, Oi! Excuse me.
- Yeah?
- Get his club number.
- Club number. [SHE SIGHS]
- Hello, sir. Sorry about that, yeah.
- Yes, got it. Eh...
- Where were we now? Yes.
- Alconbury, uh-huh.
- Flying Duck. Correct. Kempton, 3 o'clock.
- Eh... Buckworth Lad...
I have got a company,
but in name only. I mean
it's not active. It's just a...
sentimental thing, you know?
I mean when this great country
gets back on its feet... I'll be ready.
No, no, no. Nowadays,
I'm more or less semi-retired.
But you've got some company assets.
For example...
a Jaguar car.
Oh, no, no! That's not mine.
Oh, no. You've got all that wrong.
That's my uncle's.
That's an old man's folly, I'm afraid.
I said to him, I said 'Uncle Sid,
I mean, what do you want
with a car like this? I mean...
you being an old-age pensioner
and everything?'
And do you know what he said?
He said, 'Arthur, you use it,
cos you've got no wheels of your own.'
Ain't that nice?
No, no. I just...
I just keep it for him, you know?
But you do use the car
for work?
- Sorry?
- Work.
Me?
Man of my age? No, no...
No, they don't want mature,
experienced men. No...
No, I just use it to take the old folk
down to the Darby and Joan club,
and people who have to go
to the hospital...
on elections.
And no favours.
I don't care who they vote for,
even some old looney, I...
I take them
down the polling station.
Yeah, I'm into charity and...
good deeds, you know.
Oh, excuse me,
could you tell me the right time?
- Quarter to 11.
- What a lovely kettle.
Er... watch!
I wish I could have a...
simple watch.
I suppose nowadays
that would be...
unnecessary extravagance
nowadays, wouldn't it?
Perhaps you'd find one
in your lock-up.
My lock-up?
Is that what this interrogation's
all about?
- Just an interview.
- I don't care what you call it.
Did you tell the man
about my lock-up?
Em... Wh... Eh...
odds and ends, I said!
And my hobbies?
Er... Em...
what hobbies?
Making things!
Ohh!
- Oh, those things!
- What things?
Wooden things.
Toys mostly.
Toys for deprived kiddies.
[PHONES RING]
HE: Hello? Mayfair Course Consultants?
SHE SIGHS HEAVILY
[PHONES RING]
- SHE: Yes?
HE: Mayfair Course Consultants?
SHE: Yes. Yes.
SHE: Yes, it is. Uh-huh.
HE: You what?
SHE: I've got three for you.
HE: No, sir. Neither you.
HE: No, son, got the wrong...
SHE: Magic Mark,
HE: Oh, hang on. Wait!
SHE: Yes. Have you got that down?
HE: Just wait!
SHE: Yeah, Alconbury.
SHE: Have you got that down?
HE: It's him!
Oh, tell him to hang on a minute!
SHE: Er, Jones Boy. You got that?
SHE: Jones Boy.
HE: Can you hang on a minute?
SHE: Give us your number.
Can I ask you
how you get by...
what with food, rent, clothes,
the occasional drink?
A question I ask myself, sir,
many times.
- Bingo, I suppose.
- Bingo?
Well, it's all down to her indoors.
She manages wonderfully.
Little Metro,
two children at a private school?
I know. It's incredible, isn't it?
I do not know how she does it.
She is an incredible woman.
Between you and me,
I think she's got a few pennies
in the post office.
I suppose she has, Mr Daley.
Oi!
What's occurring?
Well, as far as I'd may count
there are a lot of midgets
trying to k*ll themselves on little bicycles.
No, I mean what's occurring
with these phones?
There's a lady making a phone call.
Yeah,
well, we live round here.
That's nice.
- Yeah, but you don't live round here.
- So?
We live round here.
- You said that.
- I'm just saying, didn't I?
Terrific.
- Are you gonna be here tomorrow?
- What's it to you?
Well, sometimes
we have to use these phones.
Well, you save up, when you've got 10p,
it's all yours.
- All right?
- Well, I am deeply impressed.
But I'll tell you one thing, Arthur,
they are after you now.
A taxman does not like a clever d*ck
and that's what you are.
What can they do?
Well, who knows?
But they got Al Capone on tax with it,
and look what happened to him.
Well, that's it,
two o'clock, the office is closed.
- Ah!
- Listen, my name's Terry.
- Petal! [SHE LAUGHS]
- Petal? Nice one!
- Listen. Thanks for all this, truth.
- Uh!
- I think we've earned a drink, don't you?
- Absolutely, Terry.
But before...
can I pop into the betting shop?
Are you sure, Petal?!
[LAUGHS]
'..at Kempton, 3-1, number one,
Action Time.
Same price, 5-1.
Number 22...
Had a winner, Arthur?
I'm always on a winner, my son.
Oh, dear. I'm ever so sorry.
Hang on, is it serious?
Have we got a result
or haven't we?
Yeah, of course. I'll...
I'll see you tomorrow, then.
Yeah, all right.
Sorry. Ta-da.
- I'll have a large one.
- Eh?
- Have you seen it?
- What?
Three winners.
We've done it.
What I'm worried about now is, can we
expect the right amounts from the punters?
- I mean, will they sent their fee?
- Listen.
- I've just had a telephone...
- You got to remember
There's a lot of dishonesty about this days.
How many calls did you take?
- About 300, but there was...
- Never!
That is incredible. I mean
if one in three puts a bet on
and the starting prices were all right.
Magic Max was 9/2 - that's 40 quids for us...
- Will you listen to me a minute?
- I have my doubts about
whether they'll send the money.
Old JJ reckons they will.
You've thought about poor old JJ at last,
have you?
Ta.
What do you mean?
- He's ill.
- I know he's ill. He's got a dicky ticker.
But he's in the hospital.
Intensive care.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
Terry!
Who's gonna pick the selections?
Gordon Bennett!
You are a little charmer, you, ain't ya?
When an old mate of yours
is just about to snuff it,
all you can think about
is money.
Well, it is important, isn't it?
I mean,
it's probably a false alarm.
Yeah, but you don't know that,
do you?
Pay the man.
I've had a nasty turn.
You know how illness affects me.
- Would you like an aspirin?
- No, no, I'll be alright, Dave. Thanks.
Ta.
- When did you find out about this?
- That was his daughter on the phone.
Said I'd see her tomorrow morning.
- Can he sit up?
- I don't know.
Well, can he read?
He could be in an oxygen tent
for all I know.
Well, in that case you could slip him
a Sporting Life, couldn't you?
Haven't you got any feelings?
Yes, I have. I can be a very sensitive person
when I want to, Terrence.
I should have known...
I should never have trusted him from the off.
Can I help you?
Yeah.
Have you got a Mr Mooney?
No. Mooney...
No, there's nobody of that name.
- This ward is M6, innit?
- That's right.
He came in yesterday.
About my height, a lot grey hair, and
he speaks with a sort of posh Irish accent.
Oh, you mean Sir Alfred.
- Sir Alfred?
- Sir Alfred Smythe.
That's with an E at the end.
Oh!
Yeah, that's gotta be him, then.
- Well, don't you know?
- No, no, it is him. Sir Alfred.
He's... He usually uses a different name
when he's incognito.
Mooney is his butler's name really.
He's a bit eccentric.
Visiting hours
are between two and eight.
- Oh. I...
- I'll find out.
Someone to see you.
I suppose you're Terry.
- Yeah, that's right. Are you Fenella?
- Yes. Shall we go this way?
- I believe these are your selections.
- Oh, yeah.
I trust you won't sell
them in the hospital.
Hold on, it's not my idea,
you know?
- How is he?
- He's ill.
- Can I see him?
- No. I don't want you to bother him.
I wasn't gonna bother him.
We're friends, right?
- He's sleeping, anyway.
- Oh.
Oh, look, I've got this one,
it's a bit fruit and that. Eh...
- Is there anything else he needs?
- No, he's OK. Sorry, Terry.
- Buy me a cup of coffee, if you like.
- Yeah.
Ooh, Nurse. Nurse!
Sorry. Do you think you could
give them to Mr Mooney?
Sir Alfred.
I'm sure it's a smashing hospital, but I mean
JJ needs a bit of luxury, didn't he?
- I mean, The London Clinic...
- That was pathetic.
You were impressed,
I suppose.
Yeah.
What about The Dorchester, hey?
I mean that took some doing.
He evens cons himself.
Do you know where he was living?
- Huh?
- A hostel for single men.
Two pounds a night.
The humiliation was beyond him.
Sometimes he even believes
his own stories.
He thinks he's one of
nature's aristocrats.
All he wants to do
is impress people,
people like you
and that awful Arthur Daley.
Well, he impressed me,
and Arthur thinks he's the greatest, I tell you.
Because he can run a tipster service
from his sickbed?
Hold on.
You don't like him, do you?
I love him.
He gave me everything.
He gave me four mothers,
a dozen schools.
Don't you know the story
of my education?
No, no.
This is a good one for your cronies
in The Winchester Club.
You see,
JJ wanted me to be a success,
so I went to Benenden
with Princess Anne,
for a couple of terms.
Then there was a term at Roedean.
And then to Millfield.
I didn't know at the time why.
It was because
JJ couldn't pay the bills.
He was always changing my name.
Half the crowned heads of Europe
are relatives of mine.
Off to Switzerland,
then a year in Paris...
By the time I was 18,
I was highly educated
and on the Most Wanted list
in four countries.
I don't believe it.
No, on the other hand,
I do believe it, I suppose.
Course you do.
Yes, I suppose I do owe him a lot.
What about Roedean
and all the others, eh?
The thing is,
he actually had the money.
He just wanted
to break the rules.
- Life's a laugh, that's his view.
- Here.
What's he going to do
when he grows up?
The point is, what's he gonna do
when he leaves here?
He's a very independent man.
He won't come to my house.
Apart from that,
my husband doesn't like him.
Maybe he doesn't trust him.
You can understand, can't you?
No, he's not amused by JJ's stories.
He's a merchant banker.
I thought that was rhyming slang.
I'll ignore that.
Now I don't know what'll happen to JJ.
I said that to him last night.
He said
'Don't you worry about it,
it's fine.
If I'm ready to go,
I'll con my way into heaven.'
And then he smiled and said,
'Do they take credit cards,
do you think?'
Come on!
- Does he owe you any money?
- No, no.
- Do you owe him any money?
- No!
Something's wrong there.
- How are you, Petal?
- Hello, Terry.
This is Sylvia.
A good telephone operator.
Yeah. And I was a receptionist
as well.
Were you indeed? Well.
Nice to meet you.
- Just in case we get too busy.
- Yeah.
Have you got the selections?
Here. The only thing is,
they might be the last ones we have.
- Yeah.
- Did you see him?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Oh, good, good.
- What...
- I thought you might ask how he was?
Yeah, I was just going to.
What's... What's going on?
These are your new employees.
- Eh?
- Yep.
Couldn't have done a thing
without Petal there.
- You are not talking about wages, are you?
- Yes, I'm talking about wages.
- But no stamps.
- I haven't had a penny yet.
- That's your problem, innit?
- Well, I didn't ask you to sub the work out.
You understand,
don't you, Flower?
- Petal.
- Of course she is.
- A c*ck.
- Eh? For a few minute's work?
- Four hours she was in there.
- Yeah, but I mean, a tenner?!
I know I'm known
as a generous guv'nor...
- Don't listen to him.
- I'm quite happy
Sure you are, my dear, here you are, look.
Just take that in your sporran.
- Don't do it.
- Here. A nice blue one, my dear.
You are going to be sorry about this.
What about Sylvia?
Hey, hey, hey! Can't you read?
'Out of order.'
- Yeah, you are out of order 'an all.
- Cheeky bugger.
I'll have him.
Oi!
Has he got a licence for that?
- Come on, Terry, get 'em out.
- How?
How?
With violence, that's how. Kick 'em up the arse.
Hold on, if they got 10 pence,
their own business, isn't they?
Oh, this is charming, innit?
What is this? Betrayal?
I leave you minding
three telephone boxes
and here I am being threatened
by Bugsy Malone and his mob.
- We live around here.
- Yeah. He lives around here. Yeah.
- Oh, he lives around here.
- He told me that yesterday.
Oi, mister. Do you realise that
these are the only telephone boxes
in the metropolitan area
that ain't been vandalised?
- That's right.
- Uh?
Well, they are like gold dust
in your game.
- What game?
- Well, I don't know
but it's gotta be a bit iffy though,
ain't it?
- A bit iffy, ain't it?
- Oi, what are they-?
All right, sunshine!
Now you've had a good time with phones.
If anybody hurts those cars,
your head's coming off.
Got it?
Oi, you lot!
Leave it out.
It was just a joke. [PHONE RINGS]
Now, listen son...
- What is it?
- Sorry, pal, wrong number.
There's gonna be a lot of that.
You're the head man, are ya?
What's his name?
This is Tony.
- Can I call you Tone?
- Course you can.
Excuse me, rat.
Yeah, over here, Tone. Sit.
What do we got? Sit down.
We've got a rupture
of communications.
See? You've come here, team-handed,
terrorising the law-abiding rate-payers,
utilising the property
of the GPO/British Telecom -
to whit
one public dog and bone
and demanding ransom, blackmail
and/or protection money.
- Is that right?
- Yeah.
Well, I am not gonna dwell on the
ambiguous morality of the situation,
but, er... how much?
[TERRY CHUCKLES]
A ton.
Oh, the kids are mug.
You're round the twist, Tone.
Don't you read the Financial Times
no more?
Recession is rampant in the western world.
We all have to scrimp and scrape.
And yet you want 100 notes
for sheer exploitation
and out on of greed?
- Well, 50, then.
- The kid's no mug.
- I'll give you 10 and I'm being generous.
- Oh, leave it out.
- Look, 40.
- I said 10.
Give us a chance!
- 30.
- You're being a fool to yourself.
- 25?
- A pony's nearer.
Make it 20, and we'll touch hands.
- Yeah. Done.
- That kid's no mug. You'll take a cheque?
- No chance!
- Just testing, Tone! Just testing.
There you are.
Make sure you count it
because it's not all there.
I owe you nine.
I'm going to the bank now
and I will come right back, OK?
..No, To! T-O, right?
To! That's...
Hello, Arthur.
You've had a result, haven't you?
How do you know?
I've seen your pile of correspondence.
Very handsome.
Be lucky.
- Who's a clever fella, right?
- Don't you worry about me, my friend.
Honest endeavour
and enterprise.
If the price is right,
there are always customers.
Never mind the supplementary benefits.
Get out and graft, that's my philosophy.
Oh. Incidentally,
a guy was asking for you.
Oh, yeah? Who?
He didn't say.
He looked sort of... official, like.
- In what way?
- I don't know.
You can spot 'em a mile off,
can't you?
- What did he want?
- Don't know. He didn't say.
But right from the start I thought,
'Hello, Mr Plod!'
Or something worse.
- Like what?
- The dreaded VAT man.
The knock on the door
in the early hours of the morning.
All you're in a terrible things.
Anyway,
I marked your card for you.
All right, Sprottie.
I shouldn't even be seen with you.
Why?
You mix with thieves,
gangsters, wh*res, p*mps,
transvestites and shoplifters.
- What's the matter with me?
- Why? You're a bent copper, Sprottie.
Even worse, you got found out.
I've got my career to think about, don't I?
And I thought we were friends.
You owe me a favour.
Yeah?
A friend in trouble's
no friend of mine.
Who needs friends like that?
I'll be up for inspector in a year.
Again!
I need friends in high places,
- not blokes going down the drain.
- Don't worry!
- I'll give you a reference.
- That's what I'm worried about.
Anyway,
I told you on the trumpet,
JJ's around, he's on the scene.
That doesn't mean he's organising
this particular raising scam.
I know him. I've seen the ad,
I recognise the style. But...
he needs a partner.
And I think I know who he is.
Oh, yes!
The plot thickens.
I know this motor.
The bold Arthur Daley.
And he shouldn't never have a
disabled sticker on his windscreen either.
- What's his form?
- Form?
We're talking about pedigree.
He's a right thoroughbred.
Dishonest, mean, greedy,
shifty, slippery.
Daley is your true
metropolitan hyena.
He's an urban vulture.
And that's just his good side.
He's your man, Sprottie.
Handle him with care, right side up.
Know what I mean? On his head!
My pleasure.
After that, we're quits.
We are no longer friends.
Do not call me, I will not call you.
In fact,
goodbye, Sprottie.
Same to you, friend.
Er, small point...
What's he look like?
Horrible.
There I was completely surrounded.
- It was a stakeout, was it?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Very carefully planned.
I mean there was several of them.
- And you evaded them?
- Of course!
It was like one of them
James Bond things.
He often wears
a frogman's outfit.
No, no, no. No, there was no
frogman's outfit.
They all had these
big black leather jackets.
You know?
I knew... I knew at once.
There's one, he's a right wally. Ha-ha!
Moustache...
You've got to get up early
to catch Arthur Daley!
[DAVE GIGGLES]
You know, I met Sean Connery.
- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, it was before he became Roger Moore.
- Dave...
- Oh, excuse me.
- Hello, Mr Sprott. Long time no see.
- All right, Dave?
Give us a light ale.
You know, Arthur, I was saying...
Arthur...
Daley,
Arthur Daley!
Daley, isn't it?
Daley!
You'll do yourself a mischief
at your age.
I beg you pardon.
I think you've got the wrong man.
Are you trying to mug me?
Seen one of these before?
What is it?
Season ticket for Fulham?
[SPROTT LAUGHS]
Get in the car.
Hang about. My mum told me
not to accept lifts from strangers.
- Didn't your mum told you that?
- Mine mum said
'Knee 'em in the privates.'
That's nuts to you.
- Oh, if you're gonna be like that.
- Get in!
I don't know if you know, but I'm one of the most
highly respected businessmen in the borough,
- not to say the whole of the Greater London area.
- You owe me money.
- Me?
- Oh, yes.
- Look. May I ask...
- No!
- Where's JJ?
- Well, he's in...
Are you arresting me?
In that case,
do you mind if I go?
Should your feet feel inclined
to hit the pavement,
you are dead.
I've just been kicked out the force.
gone.
All I know is crime.
Particularly... fraud.
I'm an expert.
I've known JJ for...
ten years.
Always admired him.
You see,
he's... an artist.
And I've always thought of him
as a friend.
So when I knew I was dismissed
I thought, 'I'll get hold of JJ.'
But I should've known.
Conmen never die.
They merely fade away,
with your money.
Well, I wouldn't know about that.
You see, I gave him the money and he
went on the missing list.
Brilliant scheme.
We were gonna have an office,
three phones,
put an ad in the Sporting Life.
The very same ad
that you had.
So you see,
that's why I say you...
owe me... money.
No, just... Just a minute. I don't know anything
about your arrangements with JJ.
- It's your office, isn't it?
- Erm... yeah, in a way.
- Then, I want it.
- This is an expensive jacket.
All the better
to tear it to shreds.
No, no, no! Don't do thet. I'm sure
we can come to some arrangement.
- And the phones.
- And the phones. Everything.
All inclusive.
- What is it, then, short-term lease?
- Very short-term, yeah.
Just... Just park by the... station.
- Terry!
- I'm on the phone!
- I'm being threatened.
- What's new?
- Excuse me, sir.
- Oy! Where's my dosh?
- Have a word with him.
- Sir, I'm getting a lot of complaints.
I get a lot of too.
This is your new tenant.
- You said it was an office.
- No, no, no. You said it was an office.
And you're gonna have
a few outgoings.
- ..to clear my position.
- Petal...
It hasn't been too strenuous today.
Sylvia, Tone
and the station manager.
- Yes, yes.
- He's on the firm.
Make a nice cup of tea
in a time you want.
- No catering facilities.
- Toilets on the platform.
You are sending me up.
- ..and I'm saying...
- Shut up!
Terry! He would take care of all aggravation,
physical or otherwise.
- You called?
- I think so.
[PHONES RING]
That must be for you.
Agh!
Sir! Sir! Sir!
Do you mind? Sir!
I still think
it's a nice little earner.
There's none so gullible
as your average punter.
Leave off. He needs his rest.
You can pick 'em. The selections.
You like the GGs.
That's why I'm skint.
No. You're very good
with dumb animals.
[TERRY CHUCKLES]
- Oh.
- What?
- That's his bed.
- Oh, my God.
- He's getting dressed.
- Oh. Thank goodness.
He won't need that, then,
will he?
Have you met the charming Arthur?
- I'm not sure I want to.
- My pleasure, my dear.
We knew he'd be all right.
I shall have to schlepp around
find some more telephones.
Oh, he's bored with horses.
There are better things... I thought.
We were talking about the banking system
last night, Switzerland,
and suddenly
I saw a glimmer in his eye.
It was as though the Holy Grail
had manifested in the ward.
That stopped him.
It's JJ versus the Gnomes of Zurich now!
- It could be a personal best.
- Guinness Book Of Records!
Hey, he's gonna need a bit of capital
for that, isn't he?
Oh, you old scallyrag,
you've got it right!
- Where's my money?
- Pennies, JJ. Handful of coppers.
You're all right.
I've had a terrible time.
Dashing here, dashing there...
Is that bed free?
Oh. It's hard work
avoiding honest work.
- How much have we got?
- Who knows.
Cheques, postal orders...
I haven't cashed any.
How much, Arthur?
Er... £972.
So, you owe me £486,
plus the £300 I gave you when we started.
- That was a gift.
- That was a capital loan.
You're very lucky
I didn't charge you interest.
Oh, you're wicked, JJ!
I've laid out money to station masters,
dead-end kids,
- Blossom.
- Petal.
Tulip? Dandelion?
I don't know what her name is!
If I didn't know you better,
I'd say you was a conman.
He is!
What's your excuse?
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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