♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
All right.
What's the damage?
£3.20.
£3.20?
Oh. Why not...
You lot must be falling off
your wallets.
Keep all that.
Contribution towards the upkeep
on the Bentley?
Oh my Gawd!
I've seen a healthier face
on a pirate flag.
Do you know what time
I got into my flatlet this morning?
- Earl Grey?
- 5.28 precisely.
It is an acquired taste.
That little Eastern gentleman
that you stuck me into
was a bleedin' lunatic.
to have a jimmy.
And there he was given a 'do be joyfull'
to everything that moved.
Here you are, my son.
Nectar.
He was so pissed, we have to stop at the
pillar box 'cos he thought it was a mosque.
I thought they didn't go in
for fermented beverages.
It was against their calling.
Don't indulge?
Do you know what a Zombie is?
Arnie - he's been dead
from the neck up for years.
Brandy,
dark rum
- and papaya juice.
- Oh, my Gawd.
I poured him into his hotel
at 4.30.
Sounds an eventful evening.
Eventful. Yeah.
You said only he want was a quiet meal.
As I understood it,
that was the case.
You knew he was a crank.
- No, Terry, no.
- Yes, Arthur, yes.
You implying I mislead you?
- No, you don't actually tell lies.
- No, I should think not.
You just don't let the truth
get the better of you.
Mm!
What is this tea
or talcum powder?
You know your troubles, Terrence?
You've got tainted taste buds.
It's all that tea bag tanning.
Plays havoc with your kidneys.
Hey, listen to this.
This is Wally West.
'Mr Walter West,
a London car dealer...
..who turned back the mileage recorders
on 5 cars,
was fined £1,100
by Marylebone Magistrates.'
'Mr Arnold Selwyn,
who been prosecuting...
..said Mr West
tampered with the recorders,
putting back the mileage by
between 15 and 34,000 miles.'
'The profit from the sale of the cars
was in excess of £2,000...
..and the discrepancy
on the recorders
ARTHUR GIGGLES
TERRY CHUCKLES
'Mr West...
aged 52?
- He's turned that back and all, innit?
- Yeah.
..admitted the charges
under the Trade's Description act
and was fined £200 on each count
with £100 costs.'
Poor old Wally.
So he got a smack for clocking motors -
it happens to the best, didn't it?
Do you remember that 3.8 Jag?
That was a bona fide repair.
It was about as bona fide
as a £2 note.
You are in a wounding mood
this morning, Terence.
You got any coffee?
£1,100!
That... that... that...
that is Draconian.
That that that is what?
Magistrates!
I haven't seen the likes of that
since Hitler gave up house painting.
- Got a customer.
- What?
You know that lot.
He looks like I feel.
Oh my Gawd,
what does he want?
Good morning, Mr erm...
- Rushmer.
- Rushmer, Rushmer, of course.
What a day, eh?
What a pity
we can't bottle it.
Still providing you
with sterling service I did use?
- I've only had it 2 months.
- Nearly 3, sir.
I am cursed
with total recall.
So it's still under guarantee?
The Arthur Daley Golden
Handshake Guarantee...
..is as sound as our City
institutions.
Do I... Do I detect a hint of inquiry
appertaining to such?
Mr Daley,
would you come with me, please?
You know, selling you that vehicle
caused me considerable domestic upheaval.
Yes. 'Er Indoors,
my good wife,
she had her ride on it.
She wanted it something terrible.
I said to her
'No, no, my dear.'
Mr Rushmer is a gentleman
and he deserves a gentleman's conveyance.
I must say
you have amazed me, Mr Rushmer.
I would not have believed
this could be presented in better nick
than when it left here.
The gleam, sir, the gleam!
That puts a roller to shame.
I am impressed.
Mr Daley,
would you mind looking here, please?
- Where?
- Here.
Closely.
Well?
Extraordinary!
Looks like some sort of...
flora.
Grass, Mr Daley.
Grass!
Growing grass.
I trust this isn't some sort of... hoax
or GR or leg pull is it, Mr Rushmer?
I mean, I am noted
for my sense of humour. [LAUGHS]
- Where is he?
- Who?
[LAUGHS] Very good.
Very good. Very convincing.
What are you on about?
What, it's... It's 'Game For A Laugh',
isn't it?
- I don't know what...
- You know, when...
the geezer with the insurance
sells and smile...
leaps out, stuffs on a microphone
up your bill
would informs 5 million people
what a lemon you are.
There's grass growing out of my car,
Mr Daley.
Well, a leaking sump,
a dodgy clutch, ramblering transmission...
they are certain encompassed
by our agreement, but...
horticultural phenomenon?
I don't know what I can do.
Have you tried trimming it
with nail scissors?
I want this seen to.
Look. I don't want to appear obstructive,
Mr Rushmer, but in a strictly legal sense
this would appear to be
of a very complex nature.
Are you gonna do something about this?
- Well...
- Or I'm going to report it
- to the Fair Trading Authorities?
- Oh, no, no, no.
Do not let us to be hasty.
I'm sure we can come to some
mutually complaint arrangement.
Mr Daley, my brother-in-law
is a local magistrate.
Oh,
that is interesting.
Only yesterday he fined a motor trade dealer
over £1,000 for sharp practices.
At... Mary-lebone?
- You read about it?
- I did indeed.
I was saying to my colleague, Mr McCane,
just a moment before you arrived...
..how imperative it is
to maintain standards.
Weed out the riff-raff
to cowboys.
And the grass.
And the, er, grass.
Shall I leave the keys?
Leave it?
Oh, yes, yes, indeed.
I'll have it dealt with by my
specialist bodyshop.
- Post taste.
- When can I collect it?
- Shell we say a week?
- Tomorrow.
- Afternoon?
- Before lunch.
Another satisfied customer.
You look like a rat's
just crawled up your trouser leg.
I'll k*ll that bloody Arnie.
TERRY GIGGLES
It was that rush job, Arthur,
you remember?
You said
give it a quick blow over.
I'm sure I said no such thing.
This was my Car Of The Week.
- Tel?
- I wasn't around, mate.
Well, I worked late...
I ran... I ran out of filler
and gave you a bell and you said...
..use a couple of handfuls of mud.
- Mud?
- So I did.
Must've been grass seed in it.
I was speaking metaphorically.
- What does that mean, Arthur?
- It's a figure of speech.
What's that?
When he said 'mud',
he didn't mean mud.
Oh!
I meant use something
equally efficient as a filler.
But I didn't have nothing, Arthur,
that's why I belled you.
Look.
Just give it a spray, Arnie.
And try to use a modicum of craftsmanship,
will you?
This gentleman is trouble.
- Hello, Arthur. Long time no...
- Wally!
- Making a living?
- Scratching about a bit.
- Good.
- I was reading about you this morning.
Dave, Dave,
show a bit of tact please.
Them slug reporters.
A-ah. Today's news,
tomorrow's chip wrappers.
Usual?
- Please, Arthur.
- Port and brandy, Dave.
That was a bit gruesome.
That magistrate took the bang needle
to me from the off.
He was a right cannibal.
I know his brother-in-law.
I put me hand up on all 5,
no point in giving them
- aggravation, wasted their time like.
- No, no, no, no.
- I thought top whack a monkey,
- Yeah.
Maybe less if me brief
gives them the old toffee.
You know how sorry I was,
no previous,
- extenuating circumstances.
- Yeah.
Sat there like stone, he did,
c*ck a deaf 'un.
I tell you, if he was an undertaker,
people would stop dying.
One P & B.
Slate it, Dave.
The only time I saw him smile
was when I asked for time to pay.
- Well, you got it?
- Not exactly as it happens.
W-w-w-what can a friend say, I mean?
If I had it...
- Yeah, it would be yours, would it?
- it would be yours.
I haven't come here
to put a hang on you, Arthur.
No, no. My sympathies
are with you 100%.
- But I was gonna ask a favour.
- Oh?
- In fact a double favour.
- Oh, oh?
I'm into a good little earner.
Who-o!
That's what I like to hear.
It could give us both
a nice little drink.
Yeah.
Say no more, Wally.
It's amazing way the mention of money
transforms him, innit?
I don't think I've seen anyone
look more furtive.
You can't be too careful.
- You got that committee report?
- Not here.
Talking of undertakers
I know one in the sticks
who's got a '79 Daimler hearse...
..and 2 Princess limos in perfect nick
and he's given me first refusal.
Er... With respect, Wally.
I mean, funeral vehicles are not exactly
your Car of the Week on a for call either.
Hold on, Arthur.
I know what you're thinking
But I've also got a customer
with her tongue hanging out.
- Her?
- A funeral director in Fulham.
Her vehicles are only last novel.
Oh, no. That is what I call
a creative coincidence.
You put up the asking price,
'ave them over to Mrs Murdoch
and we get 4 grand clear profit.
There in the middle.
You get your investment back,
plus 2K on top.
I pay me fine
with some wedge left over.
It's like lifting pennies
off a dead man's eyes.
Pardon my reticence, Wally,
but is this a certainty, yeah?
I could get stuffed.
And what's the use of an 'earse and two
widow's wagons to me, if she turns funny?
Start your own business.
You look lovely in black.
It's as certain as February flu.
Would I steer you wrong, Arthur?
Hold on, Wally. Why don't you
borrow the necessary
and bag the 4 grand yourself?
It all take to long.
It has to be done right off
before she finds out
they're available
at his price.
Anyway, I need you, Arthur,
to do the business.
And that's part of the other favour.
I don't understand.
I've been having a bit of
bother at the lot.
Last week, someone broke in,
stole all the log books and the keys.
What I'm bleeding to do?
I couldn't move a car in or out.
The last night it happened again.
They aerosoled a load of cars.
Cor, that's a be! Who in it?
Do you know who?
No idea, or why.
You haven't upset any of the chaps,
have you?
Nothing like that.
Yeah, but where do I come in?
Part of the deal would be
you lend me Terry
free and for gratis for a few days
to mind the place for me.
Sort of be around,
keep his eyes open.
Maybe stay over
a couple of nights.
Hold on, hold on.
We'll have to talk about this.
No, no, never mind 'let's talk about this'.
You see, it's...
Get... Get some drinks in.
C'mon. Go on. Go on.
What's he like?
Wife dead, one son.
He's not an educated man,
but he's no fool.
- Have you met him?
- No, that's from asking around.
Discreetly?
Naturally.
Naturally.
You may mock me, Mr Apsimon,
but let me tell you one thing.
If I had your sort of money
I wouldn't need you.
Hold up,
here comes cheerful Charlie.
What's this then?
A wake?
Mr Chisholm,
what a pleasant surprise.
Quite a write-up, Walter.
- b*stard report us.
- Only doing my job.
Informing the public of the
less salubrious sides of society.
Be fair, Mr Chisholm.
It was a bit strong.
It's amazing how certain figures
stick in your mind, isn't it?
The total discrepancy on the
recorders was 129,832 miles.
I could see your lips move.
That works out
about a penny a clocked mile.
In the scales of justice, Walter,
I reckon that's about right.
That is a callous calculation,
if I may say so, Mr Chisholm.
Callous, Arthur?
- First offense?
- 'No Previous'.
That doesn't mean he hasn't
been at if for... 30 years, Walter?
I resent that.
No doubt you do, but deny it.
Is there anything you wanted
specifically, Mr Chisholm?
'Specifically'.
Now there's a word.
Yeah, I'm enlarging my vocabulary.
One a week.
Very commendable.
Got a good one for you.
'Specifically'?
No...
It was pure coincidence
that brought me in here.
When I saw
you 3 gentlemen together,
..my highly developed sense
of curiosity and suspicion
got the better of me.
We were consoling
an old and valued friend.
He doesn't look very consoled.
- He's had a traumatic experience.
- Yeah!
Well, I'll leave you 3 gentlemen
to your commiserations.
Shall I write it down for you?
Make you an offer on it.
That's the price. You want it.
That's what you pay for it.
- It ain't worth that.
- You're just poncing me about.
What about the van -
part exchange?
That parl of rustler.
I couldn't give that away.
- You thieving old...
- Oi, oi, oi!
You got a problem or what?
Out. Off my premises.
Oi! You heard the man.
On your toes.
Don't be so stupid, sonny.
On yer bike!
- Are they gypsies?
- Yeah.
- Where'd they come from?
- Down the road.
I didn't know there was a site
round here.
There isn't.
At least not official.
They're on private land.
There much trouble off them?
Not me, personal. It's... the first time
they've been over here
..but the local people have been trying
to get them shifted for months.
Petitions, that sort of stuff.
I wouldn't sign.
Well, live and let live,
that's my motto.
It could have been them
that did the old whatsitsname, could it?
- Nah!
- It's a thought.
Why?
- They'd have to have a reason.
- Yeah.
Death - Funeral Directors.
Bad as a fishmonger being called Haddock.
RINGS THE DOORBELL
Can't you read?
Closed. C-L-O-S-E-D.
Closed.
Plain as the nose on your face.
I beg your pardon.
Hello? Eh...
RINGS THE DOORBELL
Osbourne's
in the High Street.
- They'll see to you.
- Mr Death?
De Ath.
De Ath.
Mr De Ath?
Hello?
RINGS THE DOORBELL
These premises
are permanently closed.
Eh...
My name is Arthur Daley.
I'm a friend...
or... more a business acquaintance
of Mr West.
- Who?
- Mr Walter West.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
- What can I do for you?
- Eh...
Could I come in?
Identification.
Pardon?
Have you got any
identification?
Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Em...
There you go.
Can't be too careful these days.
Mr West has gout.
- Gout?
- Very painful.
An intemperate man, is he?
He... He's asked me
to represent him.
Mm.
Suppose
you'd better come in then.
Ah-ah-ah!
Wipe your feet.
Cleanliness is next to godliness.
Are you a Christian, Mr Daley?
C... C... Christian?
Oh, yeah, yeah, definitely.
Baptised?
Screamed the church down.
GIGGLES.
Then your soul
will know salvation.
Ah...
Soon, Mr Daley,
it will be soon.
Yeah.
The Second Coming.
All the signs say.
That's very comforting to know.
You've come about the vehicles.
Yea... Yea... Yeah,
that is correct.
Fine vehicles.
So I understand.
There they are -
my beauties.
Black as the Bible,
silent as an angel's fart.
That's what Mr De Ath Senior
would day.
Pfew!
He was an intemperate man.
I'm retiring.
That's half a century
in a service for the community, Mr De Ath.
- I like to think so.
- That is a vocation. A calling.
I mean, bereavement...
very dodgy thing to handle.
KICKS THE TIRE
New tires?
I haven't any family
to leave the business to.
So I thought I'd sell up and...
go home to the valleys.
O-ohh!
I envy you that.
All that fresh air,
green hills and all that singing.
Well, I'm quite satisfied,
Mr De Ath.
I have a cheque made out here
for the right amount.
Oh, no!
- No?
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
But you did agreed a figure
with my colleague, Mr West.
You have to test drive
the principal vehicle at least.
Oh... No, no, no, no,
that won't be necessary.
I absolutely insist.
Oh.
All right.
LOUD CONSTRUCTION NOISE
I think it's time you met Mr West.
I think you're right.
After all,
you have the... perfect credentials.
Gain his confidence.
Well... show sincere
concern at his er...
Predicament.
Quite so.
Quite so.
Here is a wigan.
He doesn't look very handful,
don't he?
Easy, Terry.
Yeah?
Are you the bloke that hit Nelson,
are you?
Nah. No-one hit anybody.
He threw a punch and missed.
A fighting man?
I'm better than Nelson. Yeah.
You start anything
and I'll have the police over in right way.
Oh, yeah. The moska.
That's always the way, isn't it?
That's not the way with me.
What?
You want to fight me?
I don't want to fight anyone,
but if that's what you're here for.
Son, I'd fight 10 your size.
Then one shouldn't give you any bother,
should it?
Hey, they come here causing trouble
and now you.
And I got enough trouble
as it is.
Maybe I should ring the police.
Maybe this is down to your little lot.
None of my family done that.
And I suppose none of your family
broke in last week
nicked all the log books
and keys either?
No.
Ever since you lot arrived
there's been nothing but trouble.
Trouble for us.
You can't leave us be, can you?
All right.
What have you come here for, eh?
- I've come for the van.
- Well, it's not for sale.
It's there, isn't it?
The money here.
Where'd you get
money like that from?
Working hard on laying tarmac.
Well.
Well, it's still not for sale.
It isn't?
I don't have to sell it to you.
What's t'matter? Is my money different
from everybody else's or something?
Come on. What happened
to all this live and let live staff, eh?
But that was before this little lot.
- Listen, I've told you...
- I know what you've told me.
You got to admit, it's a bit iffy,
you being so close and all.
Too bloody right.
Listen. If you'd have thought it was us,
you'd have had the police round.
anything happens round here
they're at ours doors still, aware?
He's got a point, Wal.
Eh... It just... I don't want nothing
to do with them.
I'm not a vindictive man,
it's just...
..well, local feeling.
Sorry, pal.
Lad, you seem like a fair bloke...
I'm not local, am I?
Well,
come with me then.
Eh?
I'll show you it wasn't down to us.
You stay here, Terry.
That's why?
Are you frightened?
- Nah, nah. I'm not frightened.
- Come on then.
The last place we were,
I bought a car
in honesty
pregotten use for spares.
I drove it back to the site
and there they were.
brakes, lights, steering, tires.
Threw the lot at me,
you know?
So I had to move on.
Never followed up the charges.
Never meant them.
Just wanted us gone.
But you got a legal sites
now and then, eh?
Well, don't the local authorities
have to provide them?
Stupid site wardens.
Regular rent collections
and nosey welfare people.
I mean they're no good
to real travelers, you know?
Pins you down.
I mean what are wheels for
if not to keep on turning?
They've closed down
all our old stopping places.
Nelson, Harry,
come here a minute.
Jim Boy, come here.
This fellow's from that car place
down the road.
Yeah. Last night...
it was broken into and a load of cars
were vandalized with paint.
And last week...
all the log books
and car keys were nicked.
- He says it was us?
- Well, was it?
- No.
- Harry?
We ain't been to that place
before today.
Jim Boy,
do you know anything about this?
No. Nothing about this.
Any of you?
Any of you lying to me?.. Cos I'll find out
and you know what'll happen.
All we wanted was the van.
For calling.
Yeah, all right.
Fair enough.
I can tell when they're lying.
Yeah, I believe you.
Here. Come here,
I want to show you something.
It's all right, Ellen.
And people say that we're dirty?
Cor!
It's lovely, innit?
Sit down, why don't you?
- Please.
- Ta-ra.
We're not dirty.
They are.
Them houses look all right outside,
but inside...
oh, you've only got to smell.
And the matchkas.
Matchkas?
- Cats.
- Oh, cats.
Jump up on furniture,
shelves.
Go in your food and crockery.
Lick their paws
after burying their dirt.
Unclean.
Worse than rats.
Would you like a cup of tea?
Yeah. That'll be lovely.
Yeah. Please.
Where is Wally?
He's taking one of the motors
down to the respray.
Oh! Vandals.
Disgraceful.
I know who done it.
- What?
- Yeah. I passed them right away.
Patch of dirty cons
parking down the road.
- They are travelers.
- What?
They are not dirty cons,
they are travellers.
Pikeys, geegees, travellers,
gypos - call them what you like.
Infestation - that's what they are.
Criminal race.
If it's not now down
it's theirs.
You do talk a lot
about cobblers sometimes,
- ..you know that?
- Oh. Pardon?
I happens been there this morning.
This isn't down to them.
- You believe that?
- Yeah.
If they tell you the truth
their teeth will fall out.
- How many d'you know?
- That's not the point.
- That's exactly the point.
- No.
You don't have to up measles
to know you gets spots.
- Do what?
- That's analogy.
- The figure of speech you mean?
- Yeah.
- Yeah...
- Er?
Is Mr West available?
No, no.
He'll be back in about an hour.
Oh, er... Fribbins,
local council.
I erm...
..I heard he's been having
some trouble.
Yeah, yeah. We just discussed it.
A little contretemps over these gypos.
Yeah, that's why I'm here.
Mr West hasn't reported this
unfortunate incident to the police.
I was wondering...
are they...
harassing him?
The gypsies.
- No.
- No?
I thought he might want
to make an official complaint.
Why he do that?
They haven't done anything.
You're quite obviously
not from this area, Mr er...
McCann.
I have the file on the gypsies,
that makes very interesting reading.
Yeah, I bet you do.
I intend to have them evicted.
And I have overwhelming local support.
- You can't argue with that, Terry.
- Oh, yes, I can.
You haven't got them
living on your doorstep.
Quite so. Quite so.
Gordon Bennett!
They've got to live somewhere.
Yes, on proper sites, properly maintained,
properly supervised.
By people like you?
We do have the official gypsy site.
They refuse to go there.
And do you know why?
Discipline.
Discipline?
Cor. All you need
is a pair of boots and a whip.
- Terry!
- We all have to live within the law.
Yeah, but your sort can make the law
mean anything you want it to.
Will you inform Mr West
that I called?
No.
Oh.
I see.
No, you don't see.
You don't see
cos you don't listen.
And you don't listen in case you hear
something that might just be the truth.
- Poisonous little prat!
- Terry.
You can't talk like that
to the government or official.
They're giving me tomb teeth
that sort of people.
Terry, this is not our business.
Do not get mixed up in it.
That is bloody typical of you,
innit!
Hey.
Bloody gypos.
The older man is Arthur Daley.
Car dealer, bit of a spiv.
The younger one,
Terence McCann,
is hired out by Daley
as a minder.
Used to be a boxer.
Has a record.
So...
..our Mr West has got himself
some assistance.
I'm afraid this calls for something
a little bit special.
What do you mean,
'special'?
I'm sure we can think of something.
- Look, I don't want any part in...
- You want out?
- No, I didn't mean...
- You're out!
- I was just...
- Just shut your mouth
and do as you're told.
OK, Charlie, I'm keeping score.
Ah, evening, Arthur.
Ooh. You look like you had 8 score draws up
and forgot to post the coupon.
Terry.
You two had words?
- A sharp tongue, young Terry.
- Oh, dear, oh, dear.
Do you know what he had
the effrontery to say to me?
That all I care about
is the wedge in my wallet.
Another one of your...
philosophical discussions, eh?
He called me a bigot.
Me!
Well, you do have strong views,
Arthur, about certain social issues.
As do all thinking men.
- And women.
- That's one of them for the start.
- What?
- Women.
You do go on a bit about them
getting the vote and all that.
It's a current talking point,
Dave.
As is nuclear disarmament,
lead in petrol, unemployment,
economic recovery,
human rights.
That's about the lot.
Yeah! No, no, no.
You forgot VAT, the Common Market
and violence on television.
I am a man
tuned in to his times.
Alright...
No offense, Arthur,
but some of your tunes
are a bit off.
It's a sorry state of affairs
if a man cannot articulate
his view on life
- without getting slagged off.
- What was the trouble this time?
- Gypos.
- Gypsies?
Yeah, he got what be a pack of pikeys
over near Wally's.
Hah. Terry has?
He won't have a word said
against them.
Heh. You know, when I was a nipper
I lived on a farm for a while.
We had a gypsy family living nearby.
They worked on the farm
and I used to play with their kids.
I liked 'em.
Yeah, I remember the old man
took me to the... up to be horse fair.
[GIGGLES]
Bleedin' horse trod on me foot.
Yeah, but they were your
genuine gypsies, Dave.
You know, lucky white heather
and clothes pegs an' all that.
Not like this lot.
Well, I take as I find,
Arthur.
- Hello, Wally.
- Hello, Dave. Usual.
- All set, Wally.
- Where are the vehicles?
Over my place. We'll get them over
to Mrs Murdoch in the morning.
- Handsome.
- Where's Terry?
He's kipping at the lot tonight.
He's wasting his time,
I'm telling you.
He seen Gypos.
DOG BARKS
Oi!
Take it easy, son.
One careful owner.
My goodness me,
the bold Terence McCann.
Correct.
You're well out of your manor.
Do it be indelicate to inquire
how you receive that facial discoloration?
I was assaulted by a fat lady
with a crocodile handbag.
- You are a wag.
- Mm.
Yesterday,
quite by coincidence,
I observed 3 very slippery gentlemen
locked in a highly dubious meet.
Early this morning,
again quite by coincidence,
..I read a report
of a mysterious fire in a car lot.
The business premises
of one of my 3 dodgy faces.
- And?
- And...
included in that report,
your good self,
pulled from the flames
by a uniformed constable. Ahh...
Spontaneous combustion?
- You read the report.
- That load of old fanny.
- The facts as stated.
- Facts? Facts?
Fact number one, you are here.
Question number one, why?
Answer number one,
you are what is colloquially termed
a minder.
Therefore,
quod erat demonstrandum,
you are minding the business premises
of Mr Walter West.
Ergo,
your very presence suggests
that Mr West's business premises
were in some jeopardy.
You are receiving me?
It was an accident.
Who is putting the frighteners
on Wally West?
I can't tell you anything
cos I don't know anything.
Whoever did this
is not poncing about.
Whoever did this
is a very wicked person.
- And when I get my hands on them...
- No, you will not.
What you will do
is you will inform me.
And if I hear anything
to the contrary
we will continue this little tete-a-tete
back at the nick.
Do I make myself crystal?
CAR HORN
How about that then,
Arthur?
Smooth as a baby's bum.
Perfect colour match.
Call it £30, eh?
That is a joke, innit?
I mean, that's an attempt to humour.
I worked all yesterday on that.
You think yourself lucky my son,
I'm not charging you.
- What for?
- Professional embarrassment.
- 20 quid.
- 10.
- And you can throw in a little service.
- What?
Help me get these motors
over to Fulham.
- Them funeral cars?
- That's right.
There's 3 of them, Arthur.
I know, Arnie.
I can count. 1, 2, 3.
That hairy thing
that works for you sometimes?
- Bernard?
- He lives local, didn't he?
Just round the corner.
Use my phone.
Shake him out of his pit.
He's a heavy sleeper.
That'll do nicely.
Nah, I told the Old Bill
not to phone you.
I mean, that's bad enough to that
lose your night sleep, innit?
You're a good boy, Terry.
Who?
Who's doing this to me?
Why?
That's what Chisholm wants to know.
Chisholm?
Chisholm was here?
Early on, yeah. Been a great busy.
What did you tell him?
Well, it's nothing,
but he's not a wally, is he?
No, sorry.
Nah, you know Chisholm once
he gets his nose up you.
Look at it.
£1,500.
I nearly got the b*stard, no?
You are OK, son?
This? Ah, yeah.
CHUCKLES
Get worse when this was
in every baggage my back.
Have a look.
What does he want?
Watcha.
I heard the expl*si*n last night.
- Quite a mess.
- What do you want?
I've come to help
if that's alright.
How?
The car went past our place
a couple minutes after.
A white Camero
with primer on the door.
Did you see the driver?
No, too dark.
It was quick but...
I've seen that car recently.
But where?
Bloody where?
Recently?
The past week.
- It was a bar.
- You sure?
- Parked outside.
- Which one?
- Old Parr's Head.
- That's a rough house.
There was a little team in there.
Fancies themselves a bit.
Could been one of them.
- Villains?
- Nah...
Broken clothes, cover in sh*t.
Looked like road-men.
You won't get anything out of him
if he sees you with me.
All right.
Excuse me, John.
Listen, I'm looking for a geezer
who drinks here.
Drives a big old bitten up
American motor.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
He's got a job for me.
Do you know where I can find him?
I might.
It would be handy, would it?
I might not.
I need that job.
Like to work, do you?
Don't everyone these days?
Tidy these up then.
It may jog me memory.
All right.
They're in mint condition, Mrs Murdoch,
and they drive like silk.
Is that rust?
No, a bird.
Mere blemish of nature.
And the interiors are
undeniably immaculate.
Very comfortable.
At the price agreed, they...
they are a steal.
At the price mentioned,
not agreed, Mr Daley.
Oh, we couldn't let them go
for a penny less.
Mr Daley, you are selling,
I am buying.
That suggests all kinds
of possibilities.
Arthur...
..Daley.
L-E-Y.
L-E-Y.
..thousand...
..pounds.
You don't have to rush off,
do you, Arthur?
Well, no. Not exactly...
rush off, but erm...
I do have a
pressing engagement shortly.
I think this calls
for a celebration.
You er...
haven't signed the cheque.
- Uncanny.
- Thank you.
Em... If... If you could just sign...
You could be my poor Binny
standing there.
God rest his soul.
Your late husband?
Same height.
Same build.
Features, voice.
When I first saw you,
I couldn't believe it.
My heart went all funny.
May I offer my condolences?
Albeit, somewhat
a bit late.
- If you don't...
- Being a widow...
..recently bereaved,
can be very lonely.
If you could just sign.
I'm sure you understand,
Arthur.
Perhaps if you
took up a hobby.
Bowls?
Oi, tea bag!
- Do you want something, mister?
- Yeah. That white motor.
- Yeah, what about it?
- Whose is it?
Who do wants to know?
I do.
Hey, get on yer bike.
D'you want your eyes parted, pal?
Hey, Rickey!
What?
There's a fella here being busy
about your motor.
Is he now?
Why?
Are you the slag who broke into
the lot the other night?
What are you talking about?
Who give me this? Ai?
- Is that the one, Terry?
- That's the one.
KNOCK ON DOOR
Come in.
Hello, Mr Fribbins.
Mr McCann?
There was another incident
at Mr West's premises last night.
Quite frankly, Mr McCann,
I'm not surprised.
I did try to warn you.
One of his cars was set on fire.
- That's very serious.
- How serious?
Criminal damage
is a prisonable offense.
- Is it?
- It certainly is.
So it should be reported officially?
It's the most serious incident yet.
Will it go in the file?
- File?
- The file on the gypsies.
It will head the file,
Mr McCann,
I can assure you of that.
The police must be informed
about this.
Nathan!
You forgot the number
or something?
I'm sorry, Mr Fribbins.
You were phoning the police.
Ask for Det Sgt Chisholm.
He's very interested in that fire.
What's the meaning of this?
I don't know yet.
But you gonna tell me.
Get out of my office.
Nah...
Not until you've told me
why you've had this lump
vandalize Mr West's premises
on three separate occasions.
Just to get rid of us?
Nah! There's got to be more to it
at that night fire, ain't there?
Ain't there, Mr Quite So?
You can't prove a thing.
I don't need to.
Cos you are gonna write it all down
and you are gonna sign it.
Mr Apsimon?
- Who the hell are you?
- Mr Arthur Daley
and...
Mr Walter West.
What do you want?
A little of your invaluable time.
to discuss a bit of
reciprocal business.
- Get out.
- Oh. By the way,
Mr Fibbins
sends his best regards.
- Fribbins?
- Your bent councilor.
This is very nice.
Must've cost a bob or two.
Can I...
offer you gentlemen a drink?
No, no, no, no.
No, thank you.
I'm very particular about
who I drink with.
You shyster.
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but I understand you have an on-going
interest in Mr West's property?
Mr Fribbins was
most explicit.
Apparently, you purchased,
in a somewhat Machiavellian manner,
..all the land and derelict properties
adjacent to Mr West's premises.
I do have certain interests,
yes.
Certain interests?
With respect,
that is a slight understatement.
You've got plans for a bloody great
industrial complex.
All you need is my place.
All that aggravation,
what was that supposed to do?
Soften me up?
Then you come over
sharp as a sh*t hairthread.
And offer me half what it worth.
And the poor old gypsies
get the poke, an' all.
That's two birds with one stone.
That's very creative.
You should be in politics.
Look...
..I'm sure we can come to some
civilized arrangement.
That is why we are here.
To tell you that Mr West's property
is definitely on the market.
Really?
At what price?
At the right price.
Which is both generous
and unnegotiable.
And if that price is not forthcoming,
both of you - yourself
and Mr Fribbins
will be grassed on
to local authorities.
It's our duty, innit?
- Well, there we go, gents.
- Good health.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
Here's to a
comfortable retirement.
Wally, by the way...
..here's your half
of that nice little earner.
Oh. Thanks, Arthur.
By the way...
That Tilly Murdoch's quite a girl,
eh?
You might have warned me,
Wally.
Oi!
Oi, what's all that about?
Nothing, nothing. Just a little bit
of professional badinage, that's all.
After your little cherry, was she?
[GIGGLES]
No, she was not.
Nathan, you'll be all right now.
As that dog for a bin is otherwise engaged.
No, no, we're moving on,
you know.
Don't like to be in one place
for too long.
And we'll have a visit
from the Inland Revenue.
Say no more, my son.
Those bureaucratic b*stards
- who have the last...
- Don't worry about that.
- How you find this bird, eh?
- Never mind this bird.
- Tell me about it.
- Good evening, Arthur.
- Oh! Eh...
- You little rascal.
- Oh. This is Terry.
- Yeah. And that's Wally.
- That's David.
- Have you met Nathan?
- No.
- And this is the fuzz.
- Oh, my god...
- All smiles now, are we?
You've had another fire.
No.
- I fell over.
- Course you did.
Ah, Ha... Ha...
How... How fortuitous,
you two arriving simultaneously,
at the same time as it were.
This is Det Sgt Chisholm.
Words cannot describe him.
This is very, very true.
Oh...
Isn't he tall?
- Huge. He's huge!
- Mm.
Mrs Murdoch.
Tilly to her friends,
of whom you, no doubt,
will be one forthwith.
No doubt.
- What sign are you?
- I beg your pardon?
- I'm a Leo.
- Oh, that is interesting.
Let me guess what you are.
Do you know?
You remind me so match
of my late husband.
Same height, same build...
- Fish and chips?
- the moment I saw you...
- Southend?
- my heart went...
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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