♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ Love you like you want me to ♪
[BUZZING]
Power on.
That's very good, Arthur.
Look, there's a little red light.
- That indicates it is ready to receive.
- Now what happens?
We wait for the telephone to ring.
RADIO: 'Capital traffic.
A lot of oil has been spilled
at the roundabout at junction five
on the M1.
As you can imagine,
things are very slippery there.
And if you're driving at the moment,
this is one to tap the wheel to.
You're listening to Capital Radio.'
Well, all this hanging around
rather proves Dave's point, don't it?
How'd you mean?
I don't really need
an answering machine, Arthur.
Do me a favour, Dave,
'course you need.
Listen, look. You're out
doing a bit of shopping, right?
- Shopping?
- The phone rings, nobody here.
You'll have missed that important
business call.
I don't get many business calls, Arthur.
And most of them are for you.
Sales reps.
What, you mean,
the beer and crisps geezer?
- Yeah.
- Nah, they call round in person.
New members.
Somebody rings up,
nobody here.
"Well," they think, "that's a right
under-the-arm place, that is,
no-one answering the phone."
They go elsewhere.
All the clubs in the West End
have got these.
Whites, the Athenaeum.
Get off. They've got geezers
who answer the phones there.
Yeah, you try to get a geezer
to do what this can do for 67 notes.
- 67, eh?
- Worth 90.
[PHONE RINGS] - Ah.
- No, no.
[BEEP/CRACKLING]
It needs to warm up.
Probably.
Probably.
Excuse me?
Hello, Mr Allan.
Is Maria-Elaine
knocking about in there, you know?
I thought she was ill.
What?
Well, your wife collected her
at lunchtime.
She's not been back.
- My wife?!
- I thought you'd know, I mean...
Come on, boys. Look,
back inside.
This is the Winchester Club.
I'm out just now.
But I shall be back shortly.
If you would like
to leave a message...
[COUGHING]
ARTHUR: Quiet, please! Please!
We're recording over here.
All right, Dave. All right.
Off you go.
- From the beginning?
- Yeah. About the message.
If you'd like to leave a message,
I'll give you a bell...
I'll call you back
as soon as I can.
Don't speak till after the tone.
Belt up
till you hear the bleep.
[CLAPPING]
- Perfect, eh?
- Oh, oh, poetry. Sheer poetry.
If only the phone would ring.
[KNOCK]
Laura!
Laura!
Laura!
Forget your key?
Eh...
I'm looking for my wife.
She's dark-haired girl, she's staying here.
Have you seen her?
b*tch!!
Is that the police?
Well, there's a madman here
and he's smashing the place up!
No, no, sir, not me...
Sorry,
but are you gonna be long?
No, I shall be quitting the booth
about now.
Right,
I never saw a thing.
- I'll only be a second.
- That's all right.
[DIALING TONE]
Hello, Mancini and Son?
[STEADY TONE]
Oh...
Damn!
Health.
That's what they want.
Their health.
Keep fit classes, health clubs.
It's all the rage.
Everyone's at it.
You ought to join 'em.
What do you mean?
I'm very active man.
Oh, of course you are.
I beg your pardon.
Is this a new venture,
Arthur?
- What, health?
- Yeah.
Diversification, Dave.
It's always been my watchword.
And health
is a definite goer.
I mean, do you know
there are thousands of people out there
who do nothing all day
but eat, drink, smoke and sit around?
They do not know the harm
they are doing to themselves.
A nice bit of healthy exercise
will do them the power of good.
Get them involved,
you've got a gold mine.
Do you know
what this new venture's called?
- The Daley Workout.
- Good name, innit?
See, it's got two meanings.
Daily, as in every day,
- and Daley as in...
- Rip off.
[PHONE RINGS]
Phone!
[CLICK]
Tape's running, Dave?
Yeah, yeah.
Amazing, this progress, innit?
I mean they've got
big silver birds now
that carry people through the air,
you know.
Shush, shush, Terry.
[BEEP]
Rewind.
It's hardly a scientific breakthrough,
is it?
- And then... Play it back.
- Play back. That's it.
'This is Roddy Allan
with a message for Arthur or Terry.
I'm very sorry,
but I can't meet you in the pub tonight.
The girls will be there, all right.
They know what you want and are
quite happy to do it for you.
They're all pretty fit,
which is what you asked for.
One of them's got an idea about
doing something with yogurt.
She'll explain.
Look, I'll talk to you when I can,
OK?'
- Wonder what's wrong with him?
- Nothing, he's Scotch.
- Good sound, innit, Dave?
- Yeah, yeah.
I tell you what, Dave,
and after that,
sale or return, all right?
Come on, Terry. The ladies await.
Bye, Dave.
Evening, all.
Yogurt.
[LAUGHTER]
[BEEP BELL]
[MUSIC]
That's Harry Secombe.
Arthur!
[DOORBELL]
- Roddy.
- Where is she?
She? Who?
Very good, Joe.
Very good.
- Laura!
- Come on, come in.
Laura?
Laura?
What's all this shouting
in my house, eh?
I'm sorry, Helena,
but I'm not gonna be messed about.
I know damn well
Laura and Maria-Elaine are here.
You know damn well?
You know damn well nothing.
- They're not here.
- What has happened?
There's only one place your little girl
runs to when she's in trouble
- and that's to you two.
- Oh, my God, what has happened to her?
She came back
and took Maria-Elaine at school.
- They've gone!
- Gone? Where?
You know very well.
You've lied for her before,
you'll lie again.
What?!
We don't see her
for five, six weeks,
- Silenzio, Papa.
- you come here shouting at us?
Where is my daughter?
Don't try and make me
look an idiot, Helena.
For this you don't need my help.
Just tell me about my daughter.
- I have not seen her for five...
- Helena, I just don't believe that.
OK.
I'm a liar.
I'm a world-famous liar.
I've got medals in lying.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
Si, Mama.
Your daughter walked out on me.
OK.
That's fine.
Let her keep on walking.
But I want my daughter back.
She's mine!
- Who you think you speak to, eh?
- I'm sorry!
But she took my daughter away!
She? She?
She hurt you,
and now you come here to hurt me.
- Did you marry me?
- I sometimes thought so.
Oh, great.
Look who's here.
Roddy Trotsky's turned up.
Don't start with me tonight,
Marco.
Somebody talk
to the crazy man.
I thought I speak English for 25 years,
but I make a mistake.
- Mama, what's up?
- I'll tell you what's up.
Laura y Maria-Elaine
sono scappato.
[THEY SPEAK ITALIAN]
That's it.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
Close the family circle.
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
Keep the stranger outside.
Why can't you speak English?
- Why can't you?
- You always do it, don't you?
Italian! Italian!
We're Italian.
All right?
Just tell me where my
slag of wife is.
Don't you call my sister now slag.
Qual cosa questo parola Slug?
Niente, Mama.
- It's nothing, Mama.
- It can't be nothing, he said 'slag'!
It means someone who run off
and leave her husband and child.
Someone who do run off
with another bloke.
Leave it out, Roddy.
- You're well out of order.
- You're right out of order.
You come in here,
shouting the odds...!
- I want my child!
- She ain't here.
- Who the hell...
- Stop this! Stop!
We don't know where Laura is.
You want me to write it down for you?
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
- Stai calma, Helena.
- Sta calma?! Sta calma?!
[SPEAKS ITALIAN]
OK, Roddy.
We think it's time you left.
Don't try with me, Marco.
- Look, I'll hit you.
- Try it.
Oh, no! Marco!
You b*stard.
What's all this about yogurt,
Janice?
Yeah. Well,
you rub it into your face and neck,
and it does your skin good.
- Yogurt?
- Yeah.
Any particular flavour?
Well...
Probably natural.
That'd be best, really,
I suppose.
Yeah, I suppose it would be,
wouldn't it?
- Natural.
- Would it?
I don't suppose banana
or one of the others would hurt.
No, not unless you smacked yourself
in the arm with the spoon.
Yeah.
Bloke at the club
told me about it.
Said he was into body treatments.
[TERRY LAUGHS] - Oh, dear, dear me.
- He did!
Very trusting, our Janice.
Where's your gym, Arthur?
Health studio, Linda.
It's a warehouse
above a welding shop.
We will move up west
as soon it takes off.
Excuse me.
Does it matter that we don't know
anything about keep fit, Arthur?
No. The punters that come
won't know nothing, will they?
Anyway, I've got this book.
I've had these exercises copied up.
Look. All you've got to do
is keep Joe and Josephine Public
leaping about
until they're knackered.
Yeah, I know but... even so,
we are blackjack dealers.
- Only at night, my dear.
- Are you gonna take any classes, Arthur?
Arthur? [LAUGHS]
Pardon my mirth.
I shall be handling the financial side
of the business, my dear.
I expect Terry will be taking
one or two lessons, though.
He does a lot of
jigging up and down, so I hear.
Yeah, I like all that.
Aerobics.
Yeah, if you want.
What's an RHR?
Oh, that's the steel girder
that holds up the ceiling.
- That's RSJ, you wally.
- Oh.
Now, RHR...
Here we are.
Resting heart rate.
RHR.
See? It's obvious, really.
Now, remember that, girls.
Any awkward questions,
use initials.
It always impresses,
makes it sound more official.
Yeah, like DDT.
- Large whiskey.
- Oh, there's Rod. Rod!
We're over here.
'Ere.
I'll get that.
- 1.36, guv'nor.
- Cheers.
That's all...
What happened to you?
I got hit.
I told you, you've got to keep
the old left hand up, haven't you?
Who did it?
My brother-in-law.
Why would he hit you?
We can't do all this,
Arthur.
'Course you can,
with your supple little bodies.
Janice, I want you
to take that one.
You could do that one beautifully,
my dear.
ARTHUR: - Hello, Rod.
GIRLS: - Hi, Rod.
Oh dear, oh dear.
Who got home late last night, eh?
TERRY: - Shut up, Arthur.
- Ooh, what happened?
- Laura's taken Maria-Elaine.
- What?
Her parents
won't let me see her.
You don't know that,
do you?
I mean if she was there,
they'd let you see her.
You don't know them, Terry.
All that
bonhomie in the world.
Until you cross them.
Then they close ranks.
I'll show them.
They're not the only ones
with family.
I've got my cousins coming down.
If the Mancinis want trouble,
they can have it.
You all...
got together all right?
- Oh, yeah, yeah, fine, Roddy, fine.
- Yeah.
Rod?
Hold on!
I'd better go and have a word
with him.
If he starts trouble with Laura's
lot there'll be hell to pay.
What, the Italians?
Whoa.
Black spot, innit?
Secret signs at midnight.
They're worse
than the Freemasons.
Rod's not a troublemaker.
No, no,
but he's working on it.
[DOORBELL]
Hello.
I'm looking for Laura.
- Laura?
- Yeah, Laura Allen.
- It's OK, Mama.
- It's not OK to me.
Good evening.
Can I help you?
Hello, Mrs Mancini.
Do you remember me?
Terry McCann?
I was at Laura's wedding.
Then I stood in
as the godfather
when the Scottish lot
couldn't make the christening.
- Remember?
- Oh, Terry! Of course.
I'm sorry,
I haven't got my glasses.
Come in, come in!
Joe!
Joe,
look who is here.
You remember Terry
from the christening?
Hello.
Of course, of course!
Come in, come in.
Sit down! Sit down!
Clear away the seat.
You've grown!
How are you?
I'm all right, thanks. Cheers.
It's been a long time.
- Yeah, well, you know how things are.
- You seem all right.
- Your friend... Arthur?
- Arthur?
Oh, he's exactly the same,
I'm afraid. [LAUGHS]
- Still a didgey businessman.
- Yeah, very didgey.
- Quite right.
- Doing OK, I bet you.
- Yeah, he's all right.
- Yes, yes. Well eh...
What brings you here
to see us, hmm?
- Well, it's...
- Oh, don't tell me.
Our son-in-law.
- Yeah.
- Did he send you here?
- No, no, no.
- He's a nutcase!
Yeah, I know.
That's why I wanted
to have a word with Laura.
- Try and sort something out.
- Terry...
Laura disappeared
five weeks ago.
We don't know where she is.
We tell Roddy this.
Six times we tell him
Laura has not been here.
I don't know where my daughter is.
I don't see her,
I don't speak with her.
I'm...
Helena.
It's all my fault.
But what can I do?
[SOBS] I'm sorry...
- Mom.
- Mm...
Scusi.
I'm sorry.
Terry, we have seen each other
on two happy occasions.
The wedding
and the christening,
but now my family
is falling apart.
Laura was told
never to come here again.
Her mother told her this.
- What? Because she left Roddy and Maria?
- No.
Because she started
hanging around
with a lousy wop
called Johnny Petselli.
- For this she broke her marriage!
- Dad!
Don't get excited.
- Papa, your blood...
- My blood is fine!
Fortunately this Petselli
doesn't bother me.
He's just a punk
who's not worth talking about.
Just like his entire family,
all cheap crooks. But...
they persuade
a dear old friend of mine
to move out from his place
down here...
Persuade him? No,
they push him!
Now they're my neighbours.
They are scum.
So what happens?
My daughter,
my Laura La Dolce,
she...
goes with this punk.
We were so ashamed.
Our family, our friends...
Petselli laughed about it.
It's like she's his wh*re.
A Mancini.
It broke our hearts.
Our little girl.
Mummy, we're hungry.
Oh, all right, darling.
Oh, my glasses keep steaming up.
Oh!
Take them off, you idiot.
OK, rest a minute.
- Ohh.
- We'll do all that again.
- Then we'll do running.
- Oh, no.
Then we'll rest.
Then we'll say something like,
'OK, ladies, that's enough resting.
Let's do the workout.'
Let's DO the workout?
Let's do THE workout?
It's coming.
It's coming.
Right.
[SIGHS]
Jog.
Oh, good afternoon.
How nice of you to drop in.
I suppose there's no fear of you
giving me a hand on this, is there?
None whatsoever.
Stick them in there.
[TERRY GRUNTS]
- Morning, girls.
GIRLS: - Hi, Tel!
Oi.
What happened to you last night?
Oh, I popped round
to Roddy Allen's in-laws.
Oh, no.
Terry, don't mix with
matrimonial punch-ups.
I mean, marriage itself
is not a pretty sight.
But pre-divorce acrimony,
oh gawd, it's wicked.
Yeah, well, they're friends of mine,
don't they?
They won't be for much longer if you
start trying to sort out their marriage.
People never forgive you
for that.
Listen, I know what so-called friends
USUALLY do.
They keep well out of things,
keep their mouths shut
and have a nice quiet time
till it's all over. Don't they?
Well, I'm not gonna do that.
They're real friends.
Oh, my gawd.
Hearts and flowers.
Listen, I happen to be
Marie-Elaine's godfather.
Stand-in godfather.
The Scotch lot didn't turn up.
- I remember, I was there.
- All right, all right.
But I'm still official,
aren't I?
I mean, I had to sign the old...
wossname, the thing.
The old wossname, the thing?
What?
Listen, tell me,
when was the last time
you inquired into that child's
religious instruction?
Nah... We went to the christening,
had a few drinks in the marquee.
No, we didn't.
It was the Dog And Partridge.
No, no, no, marquee as in tent.
I don't mean boozer.
You are not godfather material,
Terry.
That's right, so maybe I ought
to try a bit harder then, eh?
You remember what happened
to the Good Samaritan?
- No.
- Exactly.
Proper godfather would.
Anyway, Louise tells me that Roddy's
got a solicitor on it now
and he's going for custody,
so he won't need you.
[LOUD BEEP]
What's that?
That's my bleeper.
For my answering machine.
Why didn't I get a bleeper
with my machine, then?
Because I have to keep in
constant touch with my office.
- Listen. Listen.
- 'Hi.'
'This is the Daley Workout.'
- Daley Worker?
- Sh!
- 'I'm afraid no one is here at the moment.'
- I've been running an ad for three weeks
and the response is terrific,
Terry.
This keep fit lark is money
for old rope.
- 'Hello. My name is Joyce Evans.'
- Here we go.
- Another client.
- 'And If you could call me...'
Are we going to see Daddy
later?
We'll see, darling. Maybe.
- 'Winchester Club.'
- Hello, Dave?
Is that you
or a machine?
'It's me, Arthur, live.'
- Any messages?
- 'Here, Arthur.'
'About that tape
you put in my machine.'
Yeah?
'It seems to have got
a lot of Harry Secombe on it.'
That's all right, Dave. I bought a job lot.
The tape's all right.
He's a good singer, isn't he?
Look, I've got to dash now, Dave.
- 'Hey, Arthur, here...'
- I'll talk to you about machine later.
- Bye.
- 'Come on, Arthur, I mean... Cor...'
Dear, oh, dear.
That Dave, he worries
about everything, doesn't he?
Hard life, innit?
Oh,
enjoying the workout, are you?
The only thing we've got to work out
is what we're gonna tell the punters.
What? That's easy.
You just say something like...
'Look at me. I got like this
from doing a daily workout.'
[SHE CHUCKLES]
You better hide in a cupboard
then.
LITTLE GIRL: There was a nature walk
at school today.
WOMAN: Were you supposed
to go on it?
Yes.
- I'm sorry.
- Doesn't matter, Mummy.
[MUSIC]
Two, three, and four...
And up, two,
three, and four,
bend your legs.
Again.
Let's do the workout.
Come on, girls. Don't flag.
Come on, ladies.
Hello?
Can I speak to Johnny Petselli, please?
Johnny Petselli?
Er, Mr Petselli's not back from Italy
until this afternoon.
- Oi, oi. Is this a private call?
- Sh.
Don't you shush me!
- What's it about?
- Well, it's personal, really.
Ah.
Now, the thing is, he don't know me, see.
My name's Terry McCann.
- What time will he be back?
- Five, six?
Come on, this is my office,
not yours.
So will you tell him I'll be in touch,
all right?
Yeah. Thanks a lot.
- Want your chair or something?
- Yes.
Here you go.
- And I want a receipt.
- Certainly.
But I'd have to charge you VAT.
If only she'd phone!
Let me know they're all right.
- Aye, it's pretty inconsiderate, that.
- Eh, it's typical.
Thinks of herself
and that's it.
b*tch!
Selfish spoiled brat.
So the marriage is
pretty well on the rocks.
Oh, did I give you
THAT impression?
I was just wondering if you'd considered
marriage guidance.
I'd need a guide to find her!
Two white sticks
and a couple of dogs.
Things have been brought back
from the brink before.
Do you remember Tam MacCall?
His wife hit him wi' a brick.
- Firm friends now.
- Aye.
It addled his brain.
I was wondering...
This direction on this map, Roddy?
No.
It's that way.
Come that way down here,
there's the turning
at the Mancini house, right?
There's a big sign
saying 'Market Garden', you can't miss it.
I don't want anybody hurt.
Och, we'll no' get hurt.
I meant them,
you tube!
I want them
upset a little bit.
- Let them know I mean business.
- Say no more.
What're they like, these folk?
They're very good at giving
sons-in-law advice.
I didn't marry a girl.
I married a family.
- They probably meant well.
- I know that.
Used to get my ear bent every Sunday
lunchtime when I went round there.
Spaghetti bolognese and advice.
Know what I mean?
I could've taken from them,
you know.
I could have had anything I wanted
for Laura and me.
Why didn't you?
I didn't want to spend the rest of my life
being reminded of
how grateful I ought to be
for them helping me.
Better to be poor
and your own man
than a sl*ve of wealth.
Che Guevara.
Hmm?
- Was he made up?
- Huh?
Married, Che Guevara?
I don't recall.
Divorce can be pretty quick
these days.
You'll be back enjoying yourself
in no time.
Down the pub.
- A game of darts.
- A couple of bevvies with the boys.
Sounds very exciting.
Will you no pull the ear
off that dog!
Sorry.
An awfully nice wee fella, isn't he?
Wait here, darling.
[DOORBELL]
Hello, darling.
[MAN LAUGHS]
The only thing he didn't have
was a choice. [MAN LAUGHS]
- Oh, yes, dear.
- Is Johnny back?
- Oh, you Maureen?
- No.
- Oh. Er...
- Who is it?
- It's a lady.
- Oh, I'll have one.
[MAN AND WOMAN CACKLES]
Oh.
Er...
Rico, give everybody a drink, will you?
I'll be with you in a minute.
- Laura.
- Hello, Johnny.
Hello, darling.
How are you?
Ah, she's pretty.
You're all back together again then,
are you?
No.
Oh.
Yeah, Rico, me and the others
were just going up The Sportsman.
You know, a spot of dinner, and then...
later a dance, few laughs.
Back here for the witching hour.
That's nice.
You just off to see your mum and dad,
are you?
I think you know I'm not.
No.
Oh, well, yeah,
I heard she got the hump,
you know, when she found out
you was going with me.
You disappeared for a bit, didn't you?
Didn't call.
- New car?
- Yeah.
Watch your sticky fingers,
darling.
You must be doing very well.
Yeah, well.
Made the right connections in Italy.
Gonna supply the mafia
with fruit and veg?
Oh, that's nice, innit?
Really comin' over Mancini now,
aren't we?
Let me tell you something,
darling,
I'll buy and sell your mob before I'm done.
I've got plans, girl.
Ah, hello, love!
- Ha-ha-ha!
- Hello, Johnny!
Oh, that's very tasty.
Come on, then.
Oh, er, Maureen... this is Laura,
Laura, Maureen.
- Hello.
- Hello!
You go inside, darling.
Rico'll give you a drink.
He's a bundle of laughs,
you'll love him.
- See you in a minute.
- OK.
You want something, Laura?
Why did you tell everyone
you'd been seeing me?
Who says I did?
I thought we were gonna be friends.
Just have fun, nothing heavy.
- We did.
- Yeah, so why start bragging about
having a thing with
Joe Mancini's daughter, eh?
You know you didn't sleep with me,
so why make out you did?
Oh, that's typical of your lot,
isn't it?
You really think
I'd waste my time
- pulling a stunt like that?
- Yes, I do.
Mancinis.
Think you're kings of the heap,
don't you?
Don't you think you're important?
Eh?
Not me.
I'm nobody now.
Thanks for your help, Johnny.
Oi, Johnny!
Do we need any more fertiliser?
No!
Oh, another thing here,
Terry McCann bloke phoned.
- Terry's never with you, is he?
- He might be.
Who is he?
Well, I dunno!
He said it was personal!
He said he'd be in touch later.
What's he do, this McCann?
He's a minder.
- Bodyguard.
- He's a what?
- Who for?
- I don't know.
The Godfather?
Now, you bite your tongue,
girl.
I'll sort him out.
Oh, God.
You'll end up in a straitjacket one day.
One day. Not bad, girls.
Three sessions, all full.
How much do you think we made,
Arthur?
Oh, well, there isn't all that
actual amount in the bin, you know.
But I mean... when it takes off,
as I'm sure it will,
you will be on a percentage
as promised.
But look,
if today's sessions were full...
- How much did we take, then?
- Look. May I say this first, please?
We must have more technical chat,
we really must.
I mean, we completely forgot
about our resting heart rate, didn't we?
And the fact that Bjorn Borg
has got one of 38.
That is very important.
I mean that is the kind of patter that
can make or break an operation like this.
- Do you understand, girls?
GIRLS: - Yeah.
- Bye then. Go carefully.
- Night, Arthur.
Bye-bye.
Hello, Uncle Terry.
Hello, princess.
How are you?
I'm sorry, Terry.
I've been looking all over the place
for you. Come on.
- I promise we won't stay long.
- Oh, don't be so silly.
Come in, darling.
♪ ..to live a life of ease
♪ [MUMBLING]
I traveled along the byways
♪ And more, much more that this
♪ We'll do it our way
♪ For what is a man
♪ What has he got
♪ If not himself
♪ Then he has not
♪ And through it all
♪ When there was doubt
♪ I ate 'em up
and spit 'em out
♪ Our record shows
♪ We took the blows
♪ And did it o-o-oo-ur way ♪
Are you familiar with the saying
"If a job's worth doing,
it's worth doing well," Alex?
Uh-huh.
♪ And now the end is near
♪ And so I face the final curtain
♪ La-da, da-da da-da-da-daa
♪ I state my case
♪ Of which I'm certain...
♪ ..not in a shy way
♪ Oh, no, much more than this
♪ We did it our way ♪
Do you...
think that'll upset them enough,
Alex?
Oh, yes.
I think that should do it,
William.
I don't believe you'd go.
Not just like that.
No, nor did I.
But who knows anybody?
We were good at making our marriage
look right in front of our friends.
That's about all we were good at,
in the end.
We were so unhappy together.
Five years is a long time
to take getting nowhere.
Hm.
Maybe Roddy's right.
He said
I was a spoiled brat
who was brought up
to expect too much from life.
- That's not the Laura I know.
- No.
And the man who said it
wasn't the Roddy I married.
My teddy's only got one arm.
How'd that happen, then?
He's... very old.
Well, I'm ever so old
but I've got two arms.
[LAUGHS]
How did he lose it, then?
I heard
a big p*ssy cat took it away.
Uncle Terry,
will you look after him for the night?
Of course I will,
darling.
Night-night. Sleep well.
Night.
Night-night, darling.
Go to sleep now.
- Hello.
- Hello. Nice to see you.
Ah, hello.
- Good evening.
- Good evening.
Good evening, Lord Bagall.
I'm never going to stay awake.
Sorry.
Just need to do the job.
You and your bright ideas,
Rod.
Janice and Louise,
could you come over to the table?
I think we're needed.
See your greenhouse, Joe?
That's just to let you know
I mean business.
If you call the police,
I'll deny this conversation took place.
My greenhouse is very well.
- Thank you for calling, Roddy.
- You what?!
- Who was that?
- A crazy man.
He wants to know
if we can see our greenhouses.
So Mr McCann, the bodyguard,
said he'd be in touch, eh?
Said it was personal, did he,
eh?!
And where the hell were you?
Arthur Daley?
Er...
Well...
Johnny Petselli.
It's about the minder,
McCann.
Terry?
Wouldn't have thought
you'd have any need for him.
Oh, I need him.
You want to hire Terry for...
what, exactly?
I mean
it has a bearing on the fee.
Bit of sweeping up,
bit of woodwork.
General repairs, you know.
On a greenhouse.
Oh, no, no. Terry's no good
in around the house
or even a greenhouse.
- Good at demolition, though, isn't he?
- Eh?
You know, you're quite a well known face,
this side of the river.
- Well...
- Rico.
It only took me
just over half a morning
to check up on you
and your boy McCann.
- Check up on us? What is this?
- Where is he?
Oh, I haven't seen him for weeks.
I mean, he don't exactly work FOR me.
Oh,
I see, yeah.
Arthur...
Hm?
Are you fond of that mirror?
Hold up, hold up!
What's going on?
Where does he live?
I don't know. Honest.
Rico.
He lives where, did you say?
No, no.
Not another mirror.
I think I might be able
to find his address.
No, no, I mean, I...
I've got his address
through... through here.
Don't have too much lunch,
will you,
cos I definitely won't be able
to carry you then.
There's Granddad.
Give us a kiss. Be good.
- Say bye-bye to Teddy.
- Certainly.
Ta-ta, Ted.
Look after that old arm, won't you?
Thanks a lot, Terry.
Good luck.
Come on.
Hello, Granddad.
POP MUSIC
That's right, ladies.
Stretch those unwanted wrinkles away.
And... bounce, bounce,
bounce and bounce...
Right, ladies.
Bounce...
Wotcha.
Didn't you get your
unwanted wrinkles smoothed out?
Where have you been?
Oh, mission of mercy.
Hello!
- Bounce...
- You're going to need some mercy.
There's been three geezers here
looking for you.
Only smashed
one of my big mirrors.
- Who were they?
- Couple of eyties and a tame dog
called Prez... Pret...
Pretzel...
- Pretselli, Arthur.
- Yeah, that's it.
- Johnny Petselli?
- You know him?
Know of him.
Do you know him, Janice?
Oh, yeah.
Used to come in the club.
- Lose 400...
- Hang on, hang on.
You know him,
you know of him.
I've never seen him before in my life
but it's my mirror he smashes.
- Well, he would.
- Why did he do that, then?
I'm not a mind-reader.
I don't know.
He wanted you
so he broke a mirror.
- What did he want me for?
- I don't know!
I phoned him at home and all.
I wanted to talk about Laura Allen.
He wasn't in.
- You sure he was looking for me?
- Yes.
He's a bit barmy, Johnny.
Big kid, really.
He thinks he wants to be a gangster
but he doesn't know how to get started.
Mm. Vandalism's all right
for a start!
Now I tell you,
it's got to be a mix-up, innit?
Hm.
He grows dope
in some of them greenhouses.
Dope?
Yeah.
Showed me once.
Well, never mind about all that.
What about my mirror?
- Dial 999. Get Chisholm on the plot.
- Chisholm!
Detective, isn't he?
Detective? He couldn't find
his back pocket with both hands.
- D'you know what one of them mirrors costs?
- All right, all right. All right!
Where are you going?
I'm going to make a phone call
if that's all right.
- Who to?
- Petselli.
I'm going to sort it out, ain't I?
Get him to pay for your mirror.
No, he won't be there.
Yet.
How would you know that?
Pardon?
Have I got the full SP
on these three geezers?
They were not reasonable men,
Terry.
I mean they got hold of me.
It was YOU they wanted.
I mean I had a go.
You know me.
- But?
- But it was you they wanted
to get hold of, not me.
- And you told them how?
- No, no, they had me and...
- You didn't give them my address, did you?
- No, no, no, no.
- Did you?
- Yeah.
You, s...
Yeah.
"Hello. This is a recorded message.
I'm out."
[BEEP]
"Johnny Petselli here.
Just returning your call, Mr McCann."
"You break my windows.
I'll break yours."
"Don't call again.
Cos next time it'll be your legs."
That's it, girls. That's great.
Yes, lovely but you could do more.
You want to go over
and you want to feel that burn
I was talking about, all right?
You want to really
FEEL it
- You should...
- Janice! Oi! Janice,
can you come with me?
I need you.
- What?
- Get your coat. Come on.
- Bye, Arthur.
- It's all right.
I'll see you later.
Terry!
I...
Er... Er...
Three minutes rest, ladies...
to... restore your RHR
to normal.
Did you know Bjorn Borg
had one of 38?
Louise!
Keep it up!
And you say he grows this stuff?
Yeah, he grows it in one of his greenhouses
away from the house.
Everybody knows about it.
But the only people who don't know
are the drugs squad.
Great job, boys!
Just great.
Wrong greenhouse.
There was nothing malicious meant,
Roddy.
It was a genuine mistake.
So will we do the right one,
now we know?
No!
You're balloons, the pair of you.
Mama, vieni, vieni, Mama.
- Mm?
- It's OK.
Hello, Mama.
Oh,
hello, darling.
And Maria,
how are you, dear?
Dog got your tongue?
Cat, huh?
Mama, I'm sorry.
- Oh! [SHE SOBS]
- Thank God for that.
Isn't that Laura's car?
It is.
- Are you going in after her?
- Aye.
Come on in, huh?
Today we sort everything out.
[DOORBELL]
Oh, come here, sit down.
- You want a little drink, huh?
- Yeah, OK.
Iris,
you hungry?
Hello. Have you seen Laura,
by any chance?
Roddy, please.
There isn't going to be any trouble.
Just let me take my daughter
and I'll be on my way.
No.
This whole thing has gone too far.
If you step into my house,
you step in to talk and not to fight.
Please, Roddy.
You're not going to soft-soap me
and get your own way.
Nobody is soaping you.
This is your home
as well as Laura's.
That's Daddy.
You are our children
and we love you.
- Daddy, Daddy!
- Mmm.
Have you been here all the time?
- No.
- Where did you go?
- Where did you go?
- Roddy!
I stayed at a friend's flat
for a few days.
I went to Julia's the other day.
You'd moved out.
I only stayed a few days,
I said.
Where were you
the rest of the time?
Who were you with?
I was by myself.
You?! You couldn't spend five minutes
by yourself.
I know.
I was frightened.
I spent five weeks
by myself.
Oh, Laura...
- Have fun?
- No.
Enjoy being free of us?
- No.
- What about your boyfriend?
- He isn't. He never was.
- I don't believe that.
I don't expect you to.
You haven't got the imagination.
You're so right all the time,
so puritanical.
Wives are people too,
you know.
I think we should get the divorce
over as quickly as possible.
- Oh, God. OK, fine.
- Fine?
Fine?!
You're in a hurry to get to somebody else,
aren't you?
This is my house,
so is hers!
- Here again...
- It's all right, darling. It's all right.
Sorry,
sorry my dear.
Now look what you've done.
I didn't.
BABY CRYING
What are you two, huh?
You want to hurt each other,
that's fine.
But don't do it to a little child,
eh?
OK.
You want a fast divorce.
So be it.
- That's what YOU want.
- You just agreed.
- I haven't got a choice.
- You've got a choice.
- Say what you want. Go on.
- Stop challenging me, Roddy!
Well, say something!
- What do YOU want?
- I don't want a divorce.
I want us to be together.
But not the way it was,
not like before.
- I couldn't stand that.
- Don't you start making demands!
Oh, God,
I can't talk to you!
That's right, when in doubt,
get hysterical.
I just can't...
Oh, God!
It's all right, darling.
Mummy and Daddy are just...
Just what?
Just what are
Mummy and Daddy doing, mm?
They're baby ones at the moment.
Yeah?
I'll have some of that.
Listen, you needn't get involved
in all this, you know.
Just stay out of sight.
I'll see you in the lane
in about 20 minutes.
- Hopefully.
- OK.
Petselli!
[BEEPS HORN]
I'm McCann.
I got your message.
Yeah, and I got yours.
- Do you grow that?
- Don't get cute with me, McCann.
And go and tell whoever it was sent you
that I'm not moving,
I'm not selling
and I'm not scared.
Well, now we know what you ain't,
I'll tell you what you are.
You're stupid.
I had nothing to do with that.
The only reason I phoned you was
to find out where Laura Allen was.
So because of all that,
you smash up my gaff.
So now, son, you're going
to have to pay for it.
Oh, yeah?
How are you going to make me
do that?
Well, I'm no grass
but er...
..this is.
If you don't pay up,
I'll tell the drugs squad about this
and I'm going to tell the robbery squad
about my flat.
And if you don't hurry up,
Johnny,
I might even...
wash the interior of your motor.
You now hold it.
I only borrowed that.
- You what?
- Shut up.
You didn't do that?
I would have done
all the greenhouses, son.
I think er...
£500 will settle my damages.
£500?!
Yeah. All right, all right, all right,
£500.
Just lay off the water,
will you?
Grazie.
Oi! Come on.
Come on.
- You all right?
- Oh, yeah.
Oh, my good gawd.
Put your seat belt on.
Quick.
Morning.
We were just wondering if you needed
any odd jobs doing about the place.
I'm a glazier by trade.
- A glazier?
- And I'm a carpenter.
A carpenter?
Hello, Terry?
This is me.
Get over the health club
as soon as you can.
We've had the health inspector in.
We've got to have new loos,
new drains,
a fire escape
and bigger windows
and we can't have the public in
till it's all done.
So get over
and take them rubber mats back.
Message ends.
- Thanking you.
- Ooh!
Terry!
I've been talking
to your answering machine.
- Yeah, they're good, aren't they?
- Me... and health... have parted.
I'm going to concentrate on these now.
What about it, Dave?
Well, the machine, yeah,
but Harry Secombe?
No, no, no, don't worry about that.
I'll give you another tape.
Half a lager?
- You buying?
- Mm.
- Cos I thought I might get them in.
- No, no, no.
- Oh, come on.
- No eh...
How... how... how...?
Well, you see, as we godfathers say,
'The meek shall inherit the earth'.
Did anyone say when?
DENNIS WATERMAN:
"I Could Be So Good For You"
♪ If you want to
I'll change the situation
♪ Right people right time
♪ Just the wrong location
♪ I've got a good idea
♪ Just you keep me near,
I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you,
I'm gonna help you
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ I'll do anything for you ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you
♪ I could be so good for you
♪ I'll do it like you want me to
♪ Love you like you want me to
♪ There ain't nothing
I can't go through ooh-ooh
♪ I'll be so good for you ♪
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