02x06 - Not So Shore

[bunniefuu]

This is gonna be so bad.

Me and nicole will write
an anonymous letter to sam

And stick it in her drawer.

What is that?

You tell me.

I found this note
that pretty much told me

Everything ron
has done to me here.

I'm sick right now.

This isn't funny.

I wanna know
who typed up the letter.

Did you leave me a note?

No...

"Ron made out with two girls

And put his head in between
a c*ck waitresses' breasts."

Right away, I know
it's either snooki or jenni.

From here on out,
you're dead to me.

You selfish prick.

Obviously, I'm hurting.
I'm still there with you.

[Whispering] if they end
up back together,

She looks like
the dumbest b*tch.

Walk away.
Buh-bye.

It's over.

[Upbeat dance music]

Dj pauly delvecchio!

I'm going to the jersey shore,
b*tch!

All right,
we got a situation.

I'm the sweetest b*tch
you'll ever meet.

[Laughing]

After I have sex with a guy
I will rip their heads off.

Go vinny! Go vinny!

Um, hello!

Aah!

Like everybody's so boring!

I'm so bored.
I know!

Everyone's going to sleep!

Not me.
Not me.

We're gonna finish
these beers.

Shalom.

[Giggling]

[Laughs] eew!
Eew!

[Laughing]

Pfft!

I'm just chewing cigarettes!

Eew!

Where are the boys?

I just wanted to cuddle
with one of the roommates.

And I wanted to test out
all the guys' beds

To see which bed is comfy
enough to sleep in.

Oh.

Hello.
Just sayin' hello.

Wake up.
Are you naked?

Aah!
[Giggling]

I'm gonna go wake up vinny.

Vinny, vinny.

Boo boo!

Hey, sexy man.

Whoo!
Come spoon with me.

Vinny's bed is the winner,
so I put my jammies on

And I went into vinny's room.

Aah!

[Snoring]

I hooked up with vinny.

I don't feel awkward about it,
but I don't know if he will.

So I was like...
Get outta there.

[Giggles]

This year,
I'm a little more dts...

Down to snuggle with snooki.

So if she wants to come
in my bed and throw it at me,

Then... I'm gonna take it.

She goes in her bed.
I'm in my bed.

Everybody wakes up.

No one has any idea
what happened.

I was in vinny's bed
last night.

Oh!

Are you kidding me?
Yeah, I was like,

"Do you wanna snuggle?"
And he was like, "yeah."

So I put my pajamas on
and went into his bed.

We were like snuggling,
whatever, talking.

And you were making out.
No, we started to make out,

And then he was like,
"take your panties off."

I was like... Aah!
You said, "aah."

You're like, "okay."
Yeah, I was like, "okay!"

Sam... You have no idea how...
Big...

This thing was...

Like this big.

It's like putting a watermelon
into like a pinhole.

[Laughter]

Shh. Don't say anything.

I've seen vinny and nicole
flirting, cuddling.

But I never thought
that they would actually like

Try and have sex.

So is it awkward now?

I don't think it's awkward.

I f*cking love you.
You just made my day again.

[Laughter]

I had fun.

Yeah. Where's angelina?

Angelina from staten island.
What?

What are you doing today?

We're walking, right?
Where is it, just straight?

Water is beautiful.

I wanna go on a boat.

An island
filled with gorillas.

It's like amazing
right now.

It's really nice here.

I'm gonna be dark
in like two minutes.

I want another drink.
Me too.

Who made that drink?
You did, jen?

What is it?
A ron-ron juice.

You still not talking
to him?

No.

He's still upset about
the note.

He doesn't know
that we did it.

If he tells me you told him
that I wrote the note,

We're gonna have
a big problem.

I never told him
anything.

Ronnie's saying
that you and snooki did it.

And what's she saying
she believes in?

'Cause she'll believe
anything.

She goes, "I don't know
who to believe."

She goes,
"I don't believe ron,

And I don't believe
anybody in this house."

Ha.
I hate the fact that

You guys think
I would say something

That never
came out of my mouth.

I never said anything about
who did anything.

I'm actually mad
how like much low self-esteem

The b*tch has
to stay with a guy like that.

She's in l... Oh, head over
heels in love with him.

Naw, it's just f*cking
naive children bullshit,

Loving someone
that [bleep] other girls

And comes in bed with her.

But she'll see him
[bleep] someone,

And she still won't
think it's him.

That's the type of girl
she is.

I've been so f*cked up
in the head,

I don't even know
what to say.

I think ronnie's a liar,

And these people in this house
are keeping their mouths shut,

And being sly and sneaky,

So I don't know
what to do now right now.

You all right?

What are you doin'?

It's none of my business,
you know, he's my boy,

But... You know,

It's very one-sided.

I don't see
how you don't see it.

He's 100% wrong.

You know what I mean?
And he doesn't see that.

No, no, no, no.
you don't see that.

I'm emotionally a wreck.

I'm destroyed inside
about what's going on.

Come on, sam...
He f*cked up hardcore

And made you look
f*cking stupid.

I don't understand
like what you're doing.

Everybody in the house,
we all like talk...

Like I'm in the house
f*cking hurting,

And nobody's got the ba*ls
to say something to me.

Where do you see me
right now?

But it's come to the point
where, like,

You look horrible.

He's hooking up with whoever,

And that whole thing
with his ex-girlfriend,

That's like the f*cking...

On a scale of one to ten
of what else happened,

It's like a three.

He said he didn't
hook up with anybody.

[Laughs]
all right.

I... Well... It's... Uh...

If you saw it,
you should tell me.

What did the note say?
It did. He did.

Okay. Well, whatever
the note said.

Lies after lies
keep coming out.

He keeps lying to my face.
Ron's done enough.

Like, look at me.
He's done enough.

I'm done with it.

It's done.

[Sentimental pop song]

♪ ♪

♪ You're all I have ♪

♪ You're all I have ♪

♪ ♪

We gotta get going.

We promised the boys
that we're gonna cook.

It's gonna flame up.
Don't go burning your hair off.

Aah!
The counter's on fire!

Whoever wrote me the note...

I look like
a f*cking idiot.

So someone man up and say
who wrote the f*cking note.

Who did it?

I wanna tell her.
Don't.

How long are we gonna wait?

It's still gonna be
an elephant in the f*cking sh*t.

I wanted to tell sam
that we wrote the letter

So she doesn't feel
backstabbed in the house.

What happened?

It's a big elephant
in the room right now.

You're gonna tell who... Sam?
Yes.

And as we're involved,
you're involved,

Because you agreed
in doing the letter.

But if they ask me
if I wrote it,

I'm gonna be like I didn't write
it, 'cause I didn't write it.

This is being logical right now.
The girl got the letter.

Whether it's from
[bleep] tom, d*ck, or harry,

The girl got the letter.

Nothing happened. She's still
with the f*cking kid.

What else are you guys
gonna do?

What else
do you want me to do?

Angelina is much as part
of this note

As me and jenni are,

And I feel like she's trying
to back out of that.

Even though you weren't there,
you still agreed to do it.

We all agreed to do it.

Hey, if you wanna
tell her that you wrote it,

Fine, no big deal,
but the girl knows about

Everything
you wrote in the letter.

What are you guys
gonna do next?

The girl's gonna get back
with him no matter what you do...

I agree with you on that,

But I don't know what
her f*cking problem is.

Are they?
Yeah.

Tell me.

When it doesn't have
anything to do with me,

I think it's hilarious.

I'll just be the bystander,
playing around.

I'll be flippin' pancakes

While people are
punching themselves in the face.

She said something like
they're trying to start a fight

Over you or something.
I love it.

I can give
two shits right now.

I wanna tell her.
I wanna tell her.

If you feel this strongly
about it,

Like to the point where I can
see your adrenaline's going,

Then talk to her.

Angelina,
can you bring her out here?

Sam, come outside.
They wanna talk to you.

The two girls.
Come.

Did they just
send you in here?

Yeah.
They wanna come talk to me,

They can come talk to me.

I'm your roommate-
you should be able

To talk to me
as a real person.

You don't send angelina
in to get me.

She doesn't
want to go inside.

She doesn't have
a problem with you guys.

Why won't she come out here?
She's sitting on the couch.

She doesn't feel good.
At this point,

She's lucky I don't go in there
and backhand her

When she's sitting
on the f*cking couch.

Stop it. I won't let you.
You're the only one here

That wants to tell her
about the letter.

'Cause I'm a f*cking
good friend, angelina.

Why don't you go ask her
to f*cking come outside?

I pretty much walk away

Because they're both
pissing me off.

Jen, you're f*cking Ret*rded
for agreeing with angelina,

And angelina, shut the f*ck up,
because who are you?

What'd you just say?
Not you, sam.

That's f*cked up,

You can't even give us
five seconds of your time.

Don't send angelina in here
to get involved in anything.

"A"... Watch your f*cking tone,

And "b", it wasn't f*cking me.

So do you wanna
get your f*cking...

You wanna get really f*cking
loud with me,

I don't give a f*ck.

I'm doing it
for that f*cking girl.

She wants
to f*cking talk to you...

She can talk to me!

As a friend, you should be
able to f*cking talk to her.

Really? As a friend, she
should be able to talk to me.

f*ck you.
f*ck you.

Because you're a naive beast,
a naive f*cking b*tch

While your man's putting
his d*ck in other b*tches.

You should have f*cking
told me you knew something

As a friend!
We all did!

[Overlapping shouting]

Did your old man tell you?

[Overlapping yelling]

I'm not close to them!

You two are the closest ones
in here,

And you didn't f*cking
say a word to me, and you knew.

I wasn't there!

What the f*ck
does it matter?

I was f*cking single.
I was f*cking single.

My girlfriend
is my f*cking face...

And I was supposed to be
your f*cking friend too, right?

If you know something,
tell me,

Or I'll dead you
as a friend.

All I can say
this is my business right now.

Whoever wrote me the note,
thank you.

I appreciate it, 'cause I looked
like a f*cking idiot.

So someone man up and say
who wrote the f*cking note.

Hold on a second.
If somebody here did it,

Just say it now-
who did it?

Who did it?

Who f*cking did it?
Just open up your mouth.

It's out there.
I don't care.

Appreciate the person
who did it.

Who did it?

None of you guys
can open up your mouth?

Why can't you just man up
and say you wrote the note?

What are you,
a little b*tch?

Like you have nothing to say?
What are you scared of?

That's what makes me sick,
because somebody wrote that note

And nobody can
open up their mouth.

I'm pretty sure
it wasn't the guys.

I didn't write it.
Everybody knows it wasn't me.

If the guys saw sam
do something,

Like that they would have
told you.

And just for the simple fact
that we told her,

To like f*cking be careful
with herself...

All of a sudden now
you guys wanna

Open up your f*cking mouth?

If you guys were real friends,

You would have said something
that f*cking night

And not waited a week
and wrote a f*cking note,

Bottom line.

So there you go,
bottom line, I wasn't there.

I don't know what
the f*ck happened.

I was single, so it's none
your f*cking business.

If you were single-
but be careful.

I said f*cking be careful!

All I know is
a lot happened to me,

And it's embarrassing.

And this is embarrassing.

I really don't trust anybody.

I'm on my own, and I have to
go through this on my own.

Mind their own
f*cking business

Just like I f*cking did.

[Telephone rings]

Sam.
I'm okay.

I just need to... Like a minute.

Sure?
Yeah.

You sure?
Yeah. I promise.

I'll sit out here
and wait for you.

No, it's okay.
I promise, I'm okay.

Told you this was
a bad idea.

Such bullshit.
Too much for me to handle.

We f*cked up.

We should never have
given that letter,

Because obviously
she doesn't appreciate it.

My god, you try to be nice
to somebody,

And then somebody else
gets mad.

I'm just... I'm sorry I did this.

If you really love somebody,
you gotta say it.

Yep.

You both need to understand
one thing.

I'm on my own, and I'm kind of
in a mix of emotions,

And I'm worried about
myself right now.

So I haven't really been
coming to you with my problems,

Because I've kind of just been
a ball of just a mess.

A legit mess.

So I'm trying to be strong
on my own.

Well, we said we wanna
just talk to you

'Cause we think that
you're upset with us.

To be honest with you,

This letter
has really destroyed me,

And everything's really mentally
and physically destroyed me.

Nobody'll ever understand
what I'm going through.

I'm not myself right now.

And I feel betrayed
by everybody in the house

Because nobody's still
manning up to that note,

And I always felt
closer to you two

Than anybody in this house.

Honestly, everybody in this
house played games with me.

And I'm not okay right now.

It got gangster tonight
outta nowhere.

Jwoww about to throw down
on sammi...

I was like, "holy sh*t!"

[Indistinct chatter]

[Door closes]

You all right?

Wanna talk?

This whole thing's
embarrassing.

I understand that.
I understand.

I'm... I look like
an idiot and a fool.

It's none of their
f*cking business.

We got over that hump.

You got a letter.
They told you all this sh*t.

But obviously,
we're stronger than that,

And we got through it.

I feel like
the sh*t you put me through

Has been a lot.

I'm shady?
Like...

If you want your space,
I'll leave you alone.

Not gonna deal with me.

I'm gonna give you
your space

'Cause you need to...
You know?

And I understand that.

Only thing I could do
was give her her space

And hope time will bring us
back together.

Optometry?
There's a pain in my eye.

I don't know what it is.

Come all the way forward.

He also has a history
of pinkeye.

I just wanted
to throw that out there.

Did they ever find out that
you and nicole were the ones

That wrote that letter?
No.

Tell me what you know.

Just tell me.
Come on, you're my friend.

Optometry?
I have an appointment.

I was confirming it.

Hold on, let me diagnose it
right now, hold on.

Get outta here.
Come on, come on.

I'm schooled in this.
Let me see.

There's a pain in my eye.
I don't know what it is.

Because I feel like
I have sand in my eye.

I gotta make a doctor's
appointment

And right away,

I'm reminiscing about
getting pinkeye in new jersey.

Yo, guys, I gotta
let you know something...

Disgusting.

I think I'm getting pinkeye
in my right eye.

You sure it's all right
to drive with pinkeye?

You know what I think it is?
Honestly?

Your eyebrows are so bushy

That they collect
so much more bacteria

Than normal eyes would...

Approaching
destination on the right.

That's 4300.
Where?

You have arrived.

Okay. Come all the way
forward.

Yeah, your root
is really inflamed.

He also has a history
of pinkeye.

I just wanna
throw that out there.

Shut up.
He has a very...

Don't listen to him.

Sorry to tell you
it's just a case of dry eye.

You ever think of pinkeye?
He's prone.

No, no.
I wish I could help, um...

With the pinkeye,
but you don't have it.

I don't have it.
I don't have it.

Can we give it to him?
[Laughter]

We're both italian.


[Laughter]

The cab's gonna be here
in like 10, 15...

Yeah.
Share it last-minute, though.

What is it,
their first rodeo?

Sammi's ready.

Ange, you comin'?
Oh, yeah, sam, I'm comin'.

Oh, yeah, I'm-a comin'!

[Club music plays]

♪ ♪

Jose's a guy
that I met at the club.

We're hanging out
the whole night.

You know, we're laughing,
we're having fun.

Let's see what happens.

[Girls screaming]

Well, I'm in the club
and I'm doing my thing as usual,

And I see this
blond-headed girl.

As usual,
I just sniped her.

It's just that one look
from a distance,

And it's like, "you know
you comin' home with me"

Type of look.

And sure enough,
we was dancing

For like maybe five minutes,
and there was no question.

I was like, so, uh...
You know, we'll see what's up.

[Beth thornley's
wash u clean plays]

♪ ♪

♪ You run it rich,
that carburetor ♪

♪ You gotta open ♪

♪ Open that choke ♪

♪ 'Cause you just blowin' ♪

♪ Just blowin' smoke ♪

She showed me
how smart she was.

I mean, uh, the brains
on that girl...

She definitely
went to college.

[wash u clean continues]

♪ ♪

Where did mike go?
Did he go in his room?

I don't know, he went to go
tame his wild animal.

Wait, stay right there
for one second.

I'll be right back.
One second.

I'm not ready
to perform right now.

I'm like a ferrari.

I'm high-maintenance, okay?

Here you go, honey.
Thank you.

Mike, where's your girl?

Uh, I put her in
the smoosh room, smash room,

Whatever you wanna call it.

Put your leg down.
Your leg's like in my face.

I'm sorry, honey.

Let me ask my girl
if she's hungry.

Hey, baby, you hungry?
You want anything?

No.
Some ice cream or something?

She's good.

I'll be right there.

Gotta eat this real quick.

You know what I mean?

[Yawning]

I'm tired.
I have to go to sleep.

Everyone's going to sleep.
I'm going to sleep.

I definitely have fun
when I'm with jose,

But I'm sorry, honey, you're not
gonna smoosh with me tonight.

Stop trying,
'cause it's not gonna happen.

All right, mama.
I'm goin' to bed.

Good night, good night.
Good night.

Gonna call me tomorrow?
Yeah. Call me tomorrow.

Okay, sweetheart.

Boomsky.
You know what I'm saying?

I gotta make sure
I'm all good.

Are you ready for this?

[Door opens]

You just left her in there?

I'll just politely
ask her to leave.

I'll be, "listen, baby,
you gotta leave."

That's even meaner.

How you feeling?
You good?

Mm.
All right.

You feel... You... You straight?
Yeah.

All right, that's good.

Um...

Yeah, so, um...

I, um...

I got a taxi for you, baby,

So soon as you get
dressed and stuff...

It's all set up for me?
It's all set up.

I set up everything for you.
You're straight.

You good?
I'm good.

Aw. You straight?
Mm-hmm.

Mmm. All right, baby.

Get dressed and then, um,
I'll walk you out.

Okay.
Okay, baby?

Bye, guys.
Bye.

Bye.

Thanks for coming.

That's how you get 'em out!

It was sam's idea
to have this dinner.

She didn't contribute sh*t.

I don't feel like doin' that.

Are you really nervous?

The situation
with mike's sister

Is we left off in jersey
where we hooked up

And, you know,
maybe we'll continue that

When she comes back.

[Dial tone, number pad beeping]

I'm so hungover. I don't want
to do sh*t right now,

But obviously, we promised
the boys that we're gonna cook.

Next sunday we cook.
All the girls are gonna cook?

We should get a cookbook.

God.
That means you clean.

I will, 100%.

Tony?
Yeah.

I decided to call one
of my exes

Because he's
a professional cook.

And I was like, "listen, how do
you make penne alla vodka?"

You got to make
a tomato sauce

Before you make
the penne alla vodka sauce.

Okay.
How do you spell "tomato"?

Huh?
Nothing.

You got to put
one can of paste.

Paste?
Paste... Tomato paste, yes.

Now, this is important.

Don't go burning your hair off
or your face off.

[Laughs]
why?

When you put vodka in the pan,
it's gonna flame up.

Aah!

We're here.
Grab a cart.

[Laughing]
jenni...

We have antennas.

How much heavy cream?

A quart and a half.

What the f*ck is a quart?

Grocery shopping
is horrible,

But I know that the guys
are thinking, like,

There's not gonna be
dinner made, so me and nicole

Definitely want to pull it off
no matter what.

Can you wait for me?
No.

What kind of olives?
Good ones.

I don't know anything
about olives.

[Gasps]

Olives and pickles.

They're huge.

You in love?
Yeah.

[Laughs]

I cannot wait to sit
on the couch

And watch them clean...

The f*cking table.

Oops.

Where's my list?
Did you take my list?

No.

I'm gonna say two.

I lost the list.
Where'd it go?

Are you serious serious?
It flew away.

Somebody stole it.

Is it in your pocket?

No.

Did I put it down somewhere?

I think I'm going all out
and getting dessert today

And a milkshake
or something here too.

And I guarantee
they're gonna be complaining,

Like, when they get home,
like, "we went shopping."

Got to let them do it all.
I'm letting them do it all.

Not one thing that I can
imagine them cooking today.

You know, I like to eat.
The women in my family can cook.

So these girls
have huge shoes to fill.

If they do pull it off,
it's gonna be a miracle,

But I have a feeling we're gonna
be ordering chinese tonight.

The only one that
might be able to cook is jenni,

But what the hell
will she be able to cook?

Only 'cause she's older.

[Chuckles]

[Laughs]

You girls can get
the rest of the groceries.

I just spent the last
three hours of my life shopping.

You guys can take three minutes
out of your day

And go get the groceries that
we just bought for everyone.

Where's sam?

Can you ask her to help...

Yeah, hold on.
Since this was her doing?

She's outside.

Yo, I'm pissed.

I didn't f*cking shop
for four hours

For this sh*t, man.

Relax.
I'm hanging out right now.

Do I want to be sitting here
cooking for everybody?

Nobody pulls
any of their own weight,

And now I know
why mike gets pissed.

So I made my salad...

You know,
I just keep myself involved.

I need you to do me
a favor, actually.

What?

I need you to go to
the liquor store and buy vodka.

[Telephone rings]

Sam, can you go
with angelina to get vodka?

I don't feel
like doing that.

I can tell
sam's not gonna do anything,

Prissy little b*tch
that she is.

So I'm doing everything,

Making sure that
it doesn't fall to sh*t.

We think the situation

Might've gotten himself
into a situation.

That was the first time that
that has happened.

Did you grow some ba*ls
all of a sudden?

I always had ba*ls, honey.
Really? Really?

Then step up.
Step up.

♪ I didn't think
I would make it ♪

♪ Thought everybody
was against me ♪

♪ All those conquered eyes ♪

♪ And christmases alone ♪

[Singsong voice]
that's why I don't drive.

Don't leave me!
Bye-bye.

My bad.

I parked like sh*t,
I know.

[Laughs]
bye.

♪ To get me through it ♪

We need to start
the alla vodka sauce,

And I'm finishing up
the rest of the meatballs

For leftovers.

It's like, why am I doing this
by myself in anger?

It was sam's idea
to have this dinner.

She didn't contribute sh*t,
like, jack sh*t.

So me and nicole are gonna have
to, like, do everything.

Got to figure out
how to cook this vodka sauce.

Ready?
I want to do it.

Ooh.
Whoo!

The counter's on fire.

I knew that was gonna happen
if I did that.

Good.

Hello...

Hey!
Husbands.

You guys owe me $100.
I told you they'd be cooking.

Ready?

Yeah, let's go.

Okay, let's eat.

Situation...
♪ How does it feel ♪

♪ Not having to cook
this sunday meal? ♪

Oh, it feels great.

We've all been waiting
for this day forever.

If the girls indeed end up
cooking a decent meal,

We're in
for quite a surprise.

It's homemade.
I hope you like it.

If you don't, kiss my a*s.

Okay, well,
I want to thank the girls for...

Pulling all together.
Pulling all together today.

Making this happen.

I didn't think it was gonna
go down, to be honest with you.

It's a lot of work, though,
doing the whole thing.

You better like my sauces.

Oh, we will.
Oh, I love your sauces.

Yeah, we love your sauces.

Bon appetit.

Pass the broccoli, ron,
when you're done, dog.

Want some broccoli?

Want some broccoli?

How is it?

Wow. Pretty good, girls.
Wow.

If you had one thing
to criticize, what would it be?

Nothing.
It's actually very good.

Wow.
Wow.

They even got
garlic knots.

That was all snooki.

I love garlic knots...
And ba*ls.

Oh, yeah, good ba*ls.

[Situation chuckles]

So how was
everybody's day?

I didn't eat jwoww's food
on purpose.

I'm pretty sure she looked
at my plate like,

"Look at that b*tch
is not eating my food."

How you doing
in school, nicole?

[Light laughter]
shut up.

At the end of the day,
we all had a good dinner.

Nobody talked sh*t.

Everyone enjoyed the meal,
except for debbie downer.

Well, since you girls
did so good,

We're gonna have you guys cook
for the rest of the week.

[Laughter]

I want to see
you guys clean.

The girls proved
the boys wrong.

I'm just happy that the boys
have to clean up after...

I don't have that burden
of washing dishes all night.

Yo, mike.
Yo.

We're forming
an assembly line.

For what?
Both: for dishes.

Mvp k*lling it
with the dishes.

Dish squad!

That's how
you get sh*t done.

We're gonna have to cancel
that pizza we ordered.

Stop!
Oh, come on.

Hello?
Hi.

Hey, baby, what's going on?
Nothing.

No.

I, honestly, don't think
I'm friends with her anymore,

And I almost beat the sh*t
out of her today.

Sam is the one that made
this whole, like,

"Oh, the girls will cook sunday
and buy everything

And, like,
go grocery shopping," you know?

She set the table
and made the salad.

Dead silence-
didn't say anything.

Like, I was ready to k*ll her.
I was ready to knock her out.

Love you too.
Good night.

[Groans]

[Pop music]

♪ You woke up
to the pouring rain ♪

Ange, let's go.

Can we wait till it dies?

Oh, I love it
this time of year.

[Laughs]

Aah!

♪ ♪

Bye, ron.

I'm kind of, like, bonding
with angelina.

And even though I still don't
trust anybody in this house,

It's nice
to have a girlfriend.

It's nice to have that.

And I'll tell you,

I ignored you,
and I was rude to you.

I feel like you guys are,
like, walking past me

Like I was invisible,
like I wasn't there.

I'm sorry.
It's okay.

I'll be honest with you...

I consider you my friend
in the house now.

I'm just trying
to tell angelina,

"Watch your back,
like, in this house.

Don't trust anybody,"
and, "watch the girls,"

Because for some reason, I'm
pretty sure they wrote the note,

And neither one of them
still has the guts

To come up to me and just be
like, "I wrote the note."

Have you and jenni talked?

No, I'm not talking to her.
I have no reason to talk to her.

I thought you guys were, like,
really good friends

Before this.

We were till she's two-faced.

I feel like she's, like,
a shitty, like...

Two-faced, shady b*tch.

That's why I want
to tell you things,

But I feel like
I can't tell you things.

[Laughs]
tell me what you know.

What do you think?
Jenni wrote the note.

Tell me now.

Just tell me.
Come on, you're my friend.

Or you did.
I didn't write it.

No?
No, I swear.

Snooki did it too, right?
They both did it?

I knew they wrote it.

Yeah, but you
can't say nothing.

I won't say anything.

'Cause then you're gonna make
my life a living hell.

I knew it.

I'm pissed the f*ck off.

It's gonna be madness

When we get back.

That's the thing.
Who wrote the note? You two.

Funny how people become pussies
all of a sudden.

Pussies? Pussies?

I'm in your f*cking face
right now!

I'm in your f*cking face too!
Stop!

Is it really,
really raining out?

It was. It stopped.
It was.

[Clears throat] hello?

Mike, what time
do you want me to come over?

Why don't you, um...

Why don't you come over now?
All right, bye.

I'm very excited to see
my sister.

That's, like, my best friend
right there.

Want to see my new bling?

I loaned him $100,000.

[Laughs]

And you thought we kept
our "carats" in the fridge.

Know what I'm saying?

Well, I like it.
Thank you.

I just hope
it's not real.

It's like your t*ts.

It looks sick...

But it's fake.

Hey, they're paid for
in full.

Melissa's coming here now.

Are you really nervous?

No, I'm not f*cking nervous.
[Scoffs]

What? You should be.
[Scoffs]

The situation
with mike's sister,

The "little situation,"
is we left off in jersey,

Where we hooked up.

And, you know,

Maybe we'll continue that
when she comes back.

With this spray tan,
this chain, and this fitted...

[Pauly laughing]
how can she not...

How can she not love me?
[Laughs] who could resist?

Hi.
Miss you.

Miss you too.

Let me close that.
Meliss!

What's up, girl?

Hey.

[Door closes]

How are you?
Good. How are you?

I'm fine.

Hi.

How you doing?
[Grunts]

I'll show you the house.

It's a little dirty, but it gets
dirty within five minutes.

Ew.
Why are you giggling?

I'm not giggling.
You f*cking guys are stupid.

Vinny's got butterflies
in his tummy.

Look at him.
Yeah.

[Laughter]
she looks really pretty too.

You should put
your bling on.

Put my bling on? For melissa?
Mm-hmm.

Why is everybody saying-
I smirk all day?

Yeah.

You know what?
Come outside.

By the time we have a cigarette,
we'll be able to do that.

All right,
take the bling off.

[Laughs]

♪ This sound like a track
that you got to... ♪

You've been in there
for two hours.

All right, that's how long
it takes to get dressed.

♪ Crisp jeans, fly shoes,
make you say, "what the..." ♪

Oh, I can see angelina's cooba
in the mirror.

♪ Hey, you must get that
all of the time ♪

Love that outfit.

You look nice, vinny.

Do you guys know
if it's t-shirt time yet?

Time to head out!
Let's go!

Busted!
Oh, sh*t.

It's hard to be this fresh.

♪ ♪

I'm doing my own thing
in tantra like usual.

Melissa's there, and, you know,
we dance a little bit,

Maybe kiss a little bit.

The way me and melissa
are vibing tonight,

I can see, you know,
us sharing a bed together.

She has nowhere to sleep,
and my bed is open.

[Upbeat dance music]

♪ ♪

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

I'm dancing.
I'm having fun.

And I see
this blond-headed girl,

And I'm thinking to myself...

I'm like, "wow. You know what?
This one's a winner."

Situation's spending a lot
of time with this girl that...

She's got, like, all the clues

That lead me to believe
she's a man.

And she was wearing something
to hide that adam's apple.

She had something on her hands.

So we think the situation
might've gotten himself

Into a situation
with a tr*nny out here.

The new phrase in miami is,

"If you got to think
about it..."

If you have to think
about it...

If you have to think
about it...

You even have to hesitate
to think...

It is.
It is.

It's usually a dude.

It's a tr*nny.
Stay away.

I don't know what I was...

I must've...
I don't even know.

Who knows, dog?

I don't even know
what the f*ck I was thinking.

That's the first time...

First time that
that has happened.

But I'm a trooper, man.
I'm the situation, man.

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

Come on, let's go.
Not like ronnie!

Ronnie never follows-
oh, what's up, ronnie?

I was just talking about...

Pauly comes outside pale-
still face white as hell,

Hair all messed up.

That's how you knew
he was f*cked up.

His hair... Pauly's hair
is never messed up.

[Indie rock music]

♪ ♪

So my sister's sleeping in
my bed, and where am I sleeping?

She can sleep in my bed
if she wants.

I'll sleep in pauly's bed.

[Gasps]

Come on, pauly.

I got you, brother.
You know I got you, kid.

Pauly.
You know I love you, brother.

Pauly...
Pauly, come on.

Come on.

What if she falls?
She's good. She's good.

You don't fall.
I got him.

I got him. I got him.
I got him.

Pauly is, like, f*cked up.

Like, right now pauly would hook
up with me, he's so drunk.

Lay on your stomach.

No, no, no. One foot-
one foot off the bed, my man.

One foot off the bed.

One foot off the bed.
One foot... One foot off the bed.

[Line trilling]

Hello?

Hi.

How are you?

I'm fine. How are you?
[Belches]

I don't know what the f*ck
is going on right now.

Pauly's throwing up.

I don't know what's going on.

All right, you're home safe.
Love you.

Love you too. Good night.
[Hangs up phone]

Are you serious?
I didn't say anything.

No, not you.
That.

What was that?
Jenni.

Yeah.
She wasn't talking sh*t.

I was standing
right here, dude.

Listen to me. She was explaining
to him what happened.

Yeah, exactly.
She wasn't talking sh*t.

Everybody talks crap.

I'm usually the quiet one,
keep my mouth shut.

In this one case, I heard
both sides in a split second.

Jenni on the phone,

And then I heard angelina make
up a complete lie about jenni.

And I want to put an end
to angelina's phoniness.

This b*tch angelina

Was telling ronnie and sammi

That you were talking sh*t
about pauly

'Cause he's drunk.

I'm like, "she was telling tom
what happened."

Angelina said that?
Yeah.

Angelina,
what were you saying

About me talking sh*t
about pauly?

All I said was
that you were talking to tom

About something about pauly
being drunk... That's it.

You said she was talking sh*t
about pauly.

I didn't say she was talking
sh*t about pauly.

What the f*ck
are you saying?

Okay, no, now that she's here,
it's all different.

Sorry.

You're
a f*cking idiot, vinny.

Seriously,
you're a f*cking idiot.

Nothing was said
except we heard jenni talking

On the phone
about tom about pauly.

Buy why is my conversation
even being brought up, though?

I don't get it.
Who gives a f*ck?

What do you mean
"who gives a f*ck?"

I don't give a f*ck.

So then why are you even
in this conversation right now?

Don't look at me, honey.
Don't.

Did you grow some ba*ls
all of a sudden?

You're big and bad.

I always had ba*ls, honey.

You're big and bad.
I always had ba*ls.

Oh, really? Really?
Then step up.

To be honest with you...
Step up. Really? Really?

I don't fight.

You don't fight
'cause you can't fight.

Because I'm mature.
You're jersey trash.

I'm classy,
and I don't like you.

I don't like you!
That's it!

I'm still not gonna like you,
and you're not gonna like me.

'Cause I came
to you as a woman

And told you about your man.

That's the thing.
Who wrote the note? You two.

For someone
that begged, begged, begged

To, like, all the girls
in the house...

"If you know something, tell me.
If you know something, tell me.

If you know something,
tell me."

Funny how people become
pussies all of a sudden.

Pussies? Pussies?

I'm in your f*cking face
right now!

I'm in your f*cking face too!

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Stop! Stop!
Stop it! Stop! Stop!

Stop it!
Don't do this, guys!