06x08 - Control the Crazy

[bunniefuu]

I'm sitting here
minding my own business,

And if an extremely hot girl

Wants to bounce up and down
on my lap

For one song or two,

Not a big deal to me.

I know you.
I know when you're smashed.

It's done.
Pack your f*ck' bags.

I'm going to get you.

You have no idea
how I feel.

So f*ck you.
f*cking as*h*le.

No, f*ck you.

All right, so go home,
deena.

Dj pauly delvecchio!

I'm going to
the jersey shore, b*tch!

All right,
we got a situation.

I'm the sweetest b*tch
you'll ever meet.

[Laughing]

After I have sex with a guy
I will rip their heads off.

Go vinny! Go vinny!

You like the boobs?

♪ If you wanna have fun
and do something crazy ♪

You have no idea
how I feel.

'Cause you don't explain
how you feel.

You just cry.

No, 'cause I can't
explain how I feel.

I can't explain how I feel,
so I cry.

You don't try
to explain how you feel.

You just cry.

Just tell us
how you feel, then.

What makes you feel like this?

'Cause when you cry,
we don't know.

So we blame it
on the alcohol.

I just hurt.

Hurt about what?
I just hurt inside.

I don't know.

So let us know, then we'll
help you get through it.

Without the alcohol,
I cry.

So let us know.
That's what we're here for.

Don't just cry and break down
and want to go home.

It's like if you want
to go home, go home,

But you have seven people here

That care about you
and help you get through

Whatever you have
to get through.

Deena, I think you just need
to sleep it off tonight.

Just sleep it off tonight.

Just lay your head
on your pillow.

It's not that.
Yeah, it is.

Tomorrow morning,
you'll be a new person.

Deena's real problem,
at this point,

Is she just drank too much.

She needs to calm down
with the day drinking,

And she would have been fine.

Pace yourself, like
a normal person does in jersey.

No, i-
it's okay.

Dee, come outside.
I-i need...

Come outside, it's okay.
[Crying]

Got her, vin?

C.t.c.
Control the crazy.

Breathe.
Breathe in your nose.

Go like this.

Even though you have snot,
just breathe.

[Sobs]

Breathe, idiot.
I can't.

Yes, you can.
You're not doing it.

Breathe.

Take a breath.
Hold it.

I need my mom.

I know exactly
what you're going through.

Okay?

You know you trust me, right?

You know I know what you're-
what I'm talking about.

You're absolutely fine.

I need to go home.
I need to go home.

Dee.
Chill, dee.

It's okay.

She's so far gone, deena.

Like, she's been drinking.

It's just hard
to reverse those effects

When you haven't slept,

When you miss home
to begin with,

When you're dependent
and addicted to your boyfriend.

It's all these things happening
all at once at deena.

[Imitating deena]
you don't know how I feel.

[Laughs]

It's like they always
say that, you know.

That's why I'm like-
that's why I was finally like,

"Tell me how you feel, then."

And she was like, [fake cries]

And that anxiety,
you know, you just...

You have nothing to say.

That's my friend.

I'm gonna console her
and be there.

But now it's a repetitive thing,

That I'm getting frustrated.

You're getting
anxiety over it.

You were making
yourself miserable before

'Cause you left her there.

Her mom made you feel bad.
I know.

I'm sorry
I'm sick of following

And chasing and sh*t.

No, that's what you
should have done.

You know what?
She needed that.

That's why she
calls her parents,

'Cause they f*cking...

They... They go like this to her.

At 25, you can't be
f*cking still on the tit.

You can get through this.

I think I need
to go home, vin.

Dee.
I'm not okay.

All right, but if you're going
to make that decision,

You have to make the decision
when you're calm, okay?

You can't make the decision
when you're crying,

And when you're having
an anxiety attack.

It's definitely a problem
when you just try to drink

So that your real life
doesn't exist.

And that's what
deena's doing right now.

And when you drink it away,

You're making those problems
a lot worse.

I need my mom.
No, you don't.

I do.
I need to at least see her.

Not to leave...

All right.
I just need to see her.

Is her mom-
the f*cking number in the book?

What the f*ck?
No, don't, ron.

This is f*cking ridiculous
already, like...

[Line rings]

Hello?
Mom.

Who's this?
It's ronnie.

Hey, ronnie.
We're on our way down.

No, no, no, no, no.
You don't...

You don't have
to come down here.

You don't...

She sounded like she really
needed to come home, ronnie.

No, she doesn't.
She doesn't need to come home.

But what I'm saying is,
it just seems like

She's really having
some problems.

It's alcohol involved.
A lot of alcohol.

Deena's parents
are great people.

They have great hearts.

But I think that they do
shelter her and baby her a lot.

You guys are
more than welcome to come,

But I feel like she just needs
to sleep it off.

Well, we'll be there
in about 20.

Both:
all right, bye.

Why don't we just tie her
to the bed and bounce?

Duct tape her a*s.
Go to bed.

Yo, what the f*ck?
I want to go.

Vinny!

Oh, sh*t.
They're still here?

The hell?
Why are you still here?

We love you.
That's why we're here.

We're arguing
because of you.

Come here.
And f*cking...

I yell at you 'cause I love you,
you know that.

We all yell at you
because we love you.

You know that.

We know you're fine.
You're just drunk.

You're fine.
You're good.

I'm just having
a hard time.

I know.
Thank you, vinny.

Thank you, vin.

Deena, you better?

I think I just need
to see my mom.

Yeah.

Maybe you should just
whack it.

Whack it?

D.j. Deena.

Club clitoris.

[Laughter]
ooh!

[Imitates record scratching]

Ooh!
Go get laid.

All right.
We're going to go, okay?

I'll see you guys later.

Love you.
Feel better, dee.

You guys want me
to make you food?

[Laughing] yeah,
"and I'll make your food."

Yeah, can you?

Yo, can I have
a turkey burger

When I get home,
for me, please?

Can I have
spaghetti and meatballs?

[Dance music]

♪ ♪

Here's to being
responsible.

Sorry for partying.

[Laughter]

Oh, it's so cold in here.
Hi.

Here, I brought you
a-a chicken wrap.

A chicken caesar wrap.

That's a big
chicken caesar wrap, isn't it?

This is it.

I am so happy
to see my parents,

And I'm so happy
that they're here.

I brought
a cheesecake for everybody.

You know, it just feels nice,
'cause it's just someone

I can be completely
myself around.

Hi.

So what's up?

Just having a hard time.

Dee, if you would've just
drank a little,

You would have been out tonight.

You wouldn't have been
so wasted.

No, but you made me feel

Like a degenerate
when you called.

You don't understand
how worried I am

That something's going
to happen,

You'll get arrested again.

I'm not drinking
because I'm depressed.

I'm not drinking
'cause I'm depressed.

I'm drinking
because I'm having a good time.

I understand that.

Like, if I was depressed,
I'd be in my bed, sleeping.

I understand that.

But can't you wait
till the nighttime?

Yeah, but sometimes
I wanna have a meatball day.

Okay, well,
you had one last week.

I was having
a really good time.

Look, I'm not trying
to bring you down,

It's just that you have
to understand I'm afraid now.

You make one wrong move, honey,
and the cuffs are going back on.

Both:
okay.

But you really have
to stop calling me

And seeing if I'm okay.

'Cause it doesn't help.

I didn't ask
if you're okay, today.

I asked if you were drunk,
okay?

Blame me for everything,
that I keep calling

To see if you're all right.

But if you went to jail,
it would k*ll me.

I know your great time could
get you in trouble.

You calling and asking
if I'm okay does not help.

I'm drinking
to have a good time.

You know what? You need
to go see a psychologist.

Okay.

I'm going to
get some tonight.

Mike thinks
he's missing out on mvp,

But paula's a great catch.

And she enjoys mike.

Who the f*ck can stand mike?

Oh, my god, it's open.

[Laughing]
oh, my god!

I don't want
to see another mug shot of you,

Seven months pregnant,
for a f*cking stuffed animal.

Uh-oh.

I'm drinking
to have a good time.

I'm drinking
to be a meatball and have fun.

Mm, sometimes I have
to wonder.

You calling and asking
if I'm okay does not help.

You know what? You need
to go see a psychologist.

Listen, I'm fine.
Okay.

But you don't have
to be crazy every day.

I can.
That's my thing.

Can't you have a meatball
day without, like, drinking?

No, meatballs drink
and have a blast.

Not all meatballs.
[Laughs]

Me and my mom will
always be okay.

We're, like,
mother and daughter.

You lock horns sometimes,
but then you love each other.

Mom, you know I love you.
I know.

I know I love you to death.

Even though you annoy me.
You annoy me.

Even though, like,
I don't like

Some of the stuff
my mom is saying,

It's nice to just talk to her.

Both:
I love you.

It makes me feel
a little bit less crazy.

Don't start wandering.

It's dangerous,
dangerous out here.

Love you!
Love you.

[Hip-hop playing]

♪ ♪

So where are you living
right now?

Probably looking
to share a place with you.

[Laughter]
oh, sh*t.

Look at mike tugging
the girls.

Sneaky dickens.
[Laughs]

Mike is
a super sneaky dickens.

Because he does everything
you're not supposed to do

When you have a girlfriend.

He's touching other girls.

He's having intimate
conversation with other girls.

You can't do that, mike.

It's sneaky dickens.

Hey!
Hello, mikey!

What is he?

Both: sneaky dickens!

You gotta feel it,
you gotta feel it.

Yeah, I know.
Yeah.

Yo, you're beyond
sneaky dickens.

Sneaky dickens!

That's like cheating.

No, it's not.
That's cheating.

He has a girlfriend.
He does?

Yeah.

I didn't know that.

I don't know why jenni
can't mind her own business.

I'm being
an extremely good boyfriend.

And, uh, technically,
I'm not cheating.

♪ I'm not a player,
I just crush a lot ♪

♪ I've done it
in the ladies' room ♪

♪ And in the parking lot ♪

♪ I know it ain't right,
but... ♪

I just love
the game and the club.

I don't... I can't drink,
so I go around

And see who wants
to f*ck me.

[Laughs] you know what I mean?

♪ ♪

Stop trying
to kiss me.

I'm a little concerned about
breaking my celibacy tonight.

But I'm looking
for the right girl

To give
the golden ticket away to.

And, you know,
this girl might be it.

Yo, we gotta go.

I gotta get out of here,
I gotta go.

I have to go.

♪ Ready or not,
here I come... ♪

Oh, god.

Hi, butternut.

[Cooing]

Ahh.

I'm very happy
to see deena's home in bed.

Yay.

Now I'm gonna go pass out.

♪ But you can
cloud my mind ♪

♪ Cloud my mind
with love ♪

♪ I wish you would ♪

Don't worry,
I won't tell anybody

About the girls that were
grinding on you tonight.

[Giggles] yo.
I won't tell anybody.

[Laughs]
hey, I'm adjusting.

I'm adjusting
to having a girlfriend, dog.

It's not
the smoothest adjustment,

But it is an adjustment.

Paula's definitely gonna
find out.

It's a small city over here,

And, um,
everybody knows everybody.

Welcome to our home.

I'm proud of myself right now.

You know, I went up
to the line,

I "seent" it,
and I walked away.

I didn't cheat on my girl.

I was good tonight.

Sleep?

Yo, let's go to sleep.

Sleep.
Let's go to sleep.

When you start
to throw in some flavor,

Some spanish girls,
nobody's safe.

Not even my celibacy.

[Groovy music]

♪ ♪

This girl definitely wasn't shy
in the club,

When her f*cking a*s
was grinding on me

For, like, 10 hours straight.

Now this girl, like,
won't kiss me,

Won't do anything with me.

It's really weird and ironic

That, like, the first girl
that I bring home,

Doesn't do anything.

I'm starting to think

That I might have
to masturbate a little bit.

This is the best f*cking skank
I ever met in my life.

I love you!

We all like chris,
we think he's a good guy,

And we think
that you're blowing it.

That pisses me off
when you say I'm blowing it.

It's bullshit.

She needs
to, like, lay off.

That's not a friend.

Oh! Shocker!

It's extremely embarrassing
to have your girlfriend

Making hand signs
of "the shocker."

What the f*ck, yo?

[Upbeat pop music]

♪ ♪

Gtl?
What up?

♪ ♪

Do this quick.

Let me get four chicken sticks
and four beef sticks.

♪ ♪

♪ Gonna have a picnic ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

So we're gonna have
a nice family barbecue today.

We got hot dogs, hamburgers,

Macaroni salad,
lemon and onion salad.

We got some chips,
vegetables.

We have a really,
really good smorgasbord.

And everything's outside,
everything's ready.

We just have
to be like, "yo,

Who wants
a f*cking cheeseburger?"

Who wants a hot dog,
and who wants a hamburger?

Can I have a hamburger
with no cheese?

Yo, this is one hell
of a picnic.

Hell, yeah.
[Burps]

Excuse me.

[Laughs]

Oh, f*ck me.

Who wants a well-done hot dog?

Yeah, buddy.

Thank you.
Holy sh*t!

Looks like vinny.

Yo, it's impossible
to eat a hot dog

In this house,

Without d*ck jokes
being thrown around.

Oh, this looks like
a good time.

[Laughter]

That's why I married him.

[Laughter]

Mmm.

Damn. So is that chris?
Yeah.

No, don't eat
with a fork and knife.

[Giggles]
ow! Ow! Ow!

Ow!
[Laughter]

Who brought home
a chick home last night?

Pauly.
Pauly?

Everybody was successful
last night, everybody but me.

What do you mean
you weren't successful?

I didn't bring anybody home,
and that's a success, for me.

You were
sneaky dickens, though.

But what did you...

He was grinding,
he was grinding.

He was grinding
at the club, you guys.

You were grinding?
I was... I was, uh, socializing.

With your d*ck.

Okay, girls.

Can, if you have a boyfriend,

Are they allowed
to grind with other girls?

All: no.
Okay.

You can't.
Busted!

You can't even think
of another girl

When you're jerking off
in a relationship.

They'll know,
they'll know.

So you're telling me
that grinding on other chicks

At the club...

Is a bad thing?

Her feelings are
gonna be hurt.

Her feelings are
gonna be so f*cking...

Listen, she knows,
at the end of the day,

That I l...

I really, really care
about the girl a lot.

You almost said "love her."
I almost did.

He almost said "love her."
I almost did say it.

He was like,
"I really, really lo..."

As I hear the "l" word
coming out of my mouth,

I'm like, "no!"

Do you love her?

I care about her a very lot.

Sex on on the rag.

Sex on the rag.
No.

[Laughs]

I'm expecting, so.

This is good food, man.

Can't just leave it out here.

Deena? Got the rest of this,
so I can put a shirt on?

Thank you.

[Raucous rock music]

♪ ♪

Pinnacle whip
and o.j. Is my favorite.

Is there alcohol in it?

Whipped vodka.
Yeah.

So you would drink
right now?

Little tiny shooters.

Get my vitamin "c" in.

Dee, would you?
What?

Pinnacle whip o.j.?

I can't.
Not tonight.

I just need one day
to... Get my sh*t together.

Like, I think all-
we could all say

Last night wasn't
the best night for me, so.

Why was that?
[Laughs]

Is that before or after you
said you wanted to go home?

Well, I think why I wanted
to go home,

I don't think
my mom helped me at all.

On the phone.

I'm gonna be honest, 'cause
I can't keep my mouth shut.

Just say it.

And 'cause you're
my best friend.

Busted.

It's to a point where now
it's, like, frustrating.

And, I think, for everybody else
to see you get so upset

And so sick over things every-
almost every night.

I've slowly tried
to tell dee,

Like, politely and, like,
quietly how I felt,

And, like,
I can't take it anymore.

Like, it all, like, it was
like diarrhea of the mouth.

It just came out of me.

It's frustrating. I don't
want to see you go through that.

And it's kind of, now,

It's, like, getting
annoying a little bit.

Well, how do you think I feel?

I-i lost my partner in crime.

I go out drinking by myself.

If I'm being annoying,
I apologize.

But I can't help it.

It's just a lot.

Like, every single night...

It's been something.

You know,
if I'm gonna go out

And party and drink
and be crazy,

I'm gonna go out and party
and drink and be crazy.

Let me live.

I'm gonna show my emotions.

I'm gonna do what I do.

If they don't like it,
f*ck them.

Honestly, dee, I don't want
to sit here

And go back through every,
like, rough time you had.

Like, I don't.
I just want you to be okay.

Like, every time
you've had a rough time,

I was there for you.

I'm here for you.

I've been, like, here
for you the whole time.

I will be here for you
in the future.

No, I know, but...

But I'm letting you know,
like...

You're making it
a bigger deal than this is.

It's not. It's just,
like, frustrating.

Don't worry about me.

Think we nailed
that token point.

[Laughter]

Now that we hate
each other again...

I'll see you ladies.
Are you going?

Yep.
See you in the morning, sam.

See you bright and early.

Ew, smells.

I just feel like
if I'm having fun,

Everybody just let me
have fun.

I have.
You know?

I have.
And, like...

I've been having
a blast with you.

'Cause I know people
are probably talking about...

About me behind my back.

It's just like, okay,
since you had...

All right, I'm just gonna
flat out say it.

Since you've had a boyfriend,
like, you're not...

You're not the same,
like, you're different.

And that... You are.
I am, I am.

I am different.
You are happy.

But also, in a way,
I think, you're much worse,

Because your life
is all about chris.

But it really has nothing
to do with chris.

I feel like everybody keeps
bringing up chris.

I just feel like
being away from him

Has caused a lot of, like...

I'm not gonna lie, yes.

Your attitudes and stuff.

I know, it's the truth.
Yes, I miss him.

I've done it.

I'm not giving anybody
an attitude.

I feel like I'm just-
all right.

I'm gonna break it down.

I'm not being mean.

I love you as a person.

I love that you're happy
in a relationship.

I will support you
through anything,

'Cause you're actually
a very good friend to me,

And you're always there
with my problems.

I'm not perfect,
I have f*cked-up problems

All the time,
and you're there for me.

I want to be there
for you and just help you.

Dee cannot admit that,
you know,

Her main problem is
without chris.

She's miserable without him.

We all like chris,
we think he's a good guy,

And we think
that you're blowing it.

I'm not-
but that pisses me off

When you say I'm blowing it.

I'm not blowing
my relationship.

But you're
making it look much harder

Than what it really is.

I'm having fun,
I'm doing my thing.

I'm not doing it
for any reason.

Let me tell you something.

Everybody in the house has
their own fricking problems.

Sometimes, with me,
I like to talk about it.

This is how I deal
with things.

And you do have, like,
the only-child syndrome.

Dee has only-child syndrome,

Because she comes off
like she cares about herself

More than anybody else.

She never asks how I'm doing.

She never asks how my
relationship with ron's doing.

It gets tiring after a while.

Truthfully, it does.

So it kind of makes me feel...
It's you...

Like not talking, then.

I don't know why,
all of a sudden,

This only-child syndrome
bullshit is coming up.

Like, it's bullshit.

She needs to, like, lay off.

We won't talk
about this anymore.

It's done.
Let's go to bed.

I'm done.

I am glad I got that,
actually, off my chest.

Because it's been...
[Clucks tongue]

You said your piece,
I said mine.

Let's let it f*cking die
already.

'Cause I can't keep hearing
these, like, little digs

Here and there.

That's not a friend
at all.

[Laughs]

Only nicole will go
into a machine

And steal a leopard.

Just keep going.

What is a "dolphin tail"?

The dolphin is when you try
to put it in a girl's butt,

And she goes,
"eh-eh, eh-eh."

Oh, my god!
[Laughter]

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

♪ Well, I'm up
in technicolor ♪

♪ You're pushing over me... ♪

b*tches.

So I wake up
at, like, 9:55 this morning.

And I have
to be at work at 10:00.

We're screwed.

We're gonna be late.
Whatever.

What's he gonna do?
Fire us all?

He's just annoying
when we're late.

'Cause he says it all shift.

I hate this ugly ball.

No, girls,
don't rush.

I'll open the store by myself.

It was my fault.
I know it's important.

It was my fault,
I passed out.

Sorry.
You ready?

It's just
every morning it's late.

Not me.
I'm never late, ever.

How was your weekend?

I'm not talking
to you girls.

All: why?
I'm mad at you.

Told you.

Nicole!
Yeah.

You're working press.

You're taking pauly's job.
Come on over here.

That's not pauly's job,
that's my job too.

$60.

Did you offer them
a shot glass?

It's like, "do you want
fries with that?" [Laughs]

Would you like
a shot glass with that?

Did I make up
for this morning yet?

If we can get rid
of this tray.

What?

Can we get rid
of that whole tray

On your shift?
[Laughs]

Yeah.

If I sell all of them,
I'm done, right?

You got a bet.
Yeah.

But you can't sell them all
to one customer, so that's...

No.

So I'm making a deal
with danny,

Saying that
if I sell 108 shot glasses...

Both: thank you.

I get out early.

Or I'll stay
until they're sold.

Please help me get out
of work by buying a shot glass.

Shot glass?
Shot glass?

Ooh, two shot glasses.

Five each.

You have no idea how hard
I'm pushing these shot glasses.

I mean, I am,
like, telling people

That you have no choice
but to buy one.

Shot glass or mug?
Do we have to?

Yep. It's actually
not a question.

Thank you.

You gotta now start pushing
the "gtl"s

And the "come at me, bro" s.

They're not selling.

Yeah, well, I can't help
that ronnie and mike's sh*t

Doesn't sell.

What do you want me...

What do you want-
I know.

There's the final three!

There's the final three!
Final three!

One more!

They're all sold!

[Cheers and applause]
good job.

That's solid,
I've never seen that before.

That was a lot,
that was strong pushing.

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

Is paula coming over?

Chris is coming at 6:30.

We might hit the boardwalk.

We'll come back and make sure-
and get me.

And then, as soon as you get me,
I'll just...

I'll just-
I'll get changed.

You know what I'm saying?
What time is it?

Yeah, I don't know.

All right, it's, like, 5:00.

Do you want us to wait
for you and paula to get food?

Yeah, I thought we was
going out to dinner.

Mm-hmm.

So we'll go out
to dinner

And some rides,
like, um...

What, 6:00 or 7:00?

Well, yeah, he's coming
at 6:30.

I got to give you props
for a good idea.

This was a good idea.
Mm-hmm.

[Phone quacking]

Both: hello.

Hey, hello.

What up, boo?

What are you doing?

[Sighs] I'm actually eating
some cheerios right now.

I was gonna say
deena and chris wanted

To go out around 6:00.

Are you around,
around that time?

Yeah.

We'll all get some food

And go on the boardwalk
or something,

And do a ride or so?

Okay, I will see
you soon, babe.

All right, sweetheart.

All right, bye.
Bye.

See ya, losers.

Wanna go play
a couple games?

Arcade?
Yeah.

I wanted
to win a stuffed animal.

Okay.
With the claw.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
this place.

[Gasps]
oh, my god, it's open.

What is?

I'm gonna jump in and get it.

[Laughs]

[Laughter]

Oh, my god!

Only nicole would go
into a machine

And steal a leopard
because she really wants it.

Am I gonna get arrested?
Come on let's...

Run.
[Laughs]

I'm scared!

I'm so scared,
my heart's beating.

I'm like, "dude,

I don't want to see
another mug shot of you,

Only this time,
seven months pregnant,

For a f*cking stuffed animal.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

[Laughs]

What if you go
to jail for stealing?

Stop it.

I'm really nervous under this.

Just keep walking.

Just keep going.

Hi, babe.
[Kisses]

You have more freckles.

Did you go tanning?
No.

You got a new one?

A new what?
Yeah, I won him.

I got, like, six frogs.

So...

My roommates are getting
on my nerves.

Why?

Because they keep saying

That I'm too clingy to you,

And I'm smothering you.

Do you feel like that?

No.

Don't you like it
a little?

I don't like it when you call
me at 4:00 in the morning.

What? Crying?
Yeah.

So I'll stop,
I'll try and stop doing that.

But they're trying to say
that I'm gonna scare you away.

That I'm like... Clingy.
No.

You're girlfriend's supposed
to be a little...

See, that's what I said.

If it gets
a little out of control,

I'll let you know.
[Chuckles]

Just 'cause I'm clingy,

Doesn't mean
it's a bad relationship.

No more phone calls
in the middle of the night.

All right, I won't.

Promise?
Mm-hmm.

[Knocks on door]

Open up.

Coming.

Hey, girl.
Hey.

Oh, you look pretty.

Paula looks great.

Paula, you know, she looks
like she could be a mix

Of porn-star, good girl
next door good-looks.

Hi, chris.

How are you?
Hi, how's everything?

Good.

I like paula for mike,

Because I feel like she's,
like, an easygoing girl.

She can handle his bullshit.

And I think she's fun.

Hi.
Hey, what's...

Oh, sh*t,
you're looking good.

You guys ready?

I'm hungry as hell.

Me too.

So, I'm wifed up
whether I like it or not,

But I never thought
that I would be

On a double-date
with chris and deena.

Especially not walking
on the boardwalk with paula.

What'd you get?
Cheese quesadillas?

Yeah. You want some?
No, no.

Just a "conversation piece."

Small talk, girl.

Try to seem like I'm interested.

[Laughter]
no, I'm joking.

[Laughs] I'm joking, I'm joking.

He hasn't been
in a relationship

In a really long time.

I haven't, I haven't.

I'm in an adjustment period
right now.

Anyway, babe, how is the ch...

What is going on?
I just burped.

Oh, okay.

A real shitty night
to wear a f*cking midriff.

[Laughs]

You were like,
"take a look at my food baby."

Oh, no,
the food baby.

Is that what you call it?

I'm gonna chalk
that one up, yo.

As long as I make you laugh,
not embarrass you.

You... You do
make me laugh.

You make me smile.

And even if you didn't
make me laugh,

I would look down-
you know what I'm saying?

And be like...
[Laughs]

It's just paula.
It's just paula, yeah.

I think mike is
a little embarrassed by paula,

Because every time
paula says something,

He gets a little bit
like, ugh.

And I'm like,
"oh, my god.

This is really bad."

That one's not even that bad.
That wasn't even bad.

You should hear the things
I say to him.

That's what I'm saying.

He's probably used to them now.

I'm getting used to them.

Crying and have
the shits later.

Sorry.

Yeah.
I didn't go there.

I didn't go there, see?

I think paula's trying
to audition to be a meatball.

But meatballs
do not have manners,

And they are less ladylike.

Never gotten arrested
in seaside.

Surprising.

Where have
you gotten arrested?

That's because you haven't
been out with me or nicole yet.

Toms river and brick.
Oh, awesome.

What did you get
arrested for?

I'm not getting into it.
[Laughs]

Fantastic.

Do you want to go smoke?

Yes.

We'll be right back, fellahs.

Digest that?
Oh, papa bear, papa bear.

No, no, no.
[Laughter]

I'm trying here, okay?

I'm really trying,
as a guy.

As a guy,
I'm really trying.

Normally, I'd pull
the 'chute immediately.

I'm not used to either having
a girlfriend or something.

I like when I see her,

Like, ten seconds
at the tanning salon.

You know what I'm saying?

Do you think this will
continue,

Or do you think
she will...

This will slowly subside?

[Laughter]

I'm hoping this will
slowly subside,

Because I don't know if I can
take it any longer.

Oh, shocker!

It's extremely embarrassing
to have your girlfriend

Making references
and hand signs

Of "the shocker."

What the f*ck, yo?

Oh, my god!
Oh, my god!

I just pushed an old lady
on the floor.

[All cheering]

Do you think this will
continue,

Or do you think
she will...

This will slowly subside?

Because I don't know if I can
take it any longer.

No, 'cause the things
that make you uncomfortable now,

Okay, you-
don't stop.

So the things
where you're, like,

"Why would you say that?"

Or, like, you know,
that'll go away.

I don't want her
to not be herself around me.

But, at the same time,

I want her to be
and a lady in the streets,

And a freak in the sheets,
you know.

But, um, some of the things
that she's doing right now

Are turning me off.

You and mike are very open
and honest with each other too.

[Laughs]
which is good.

That's just how I am
in general, though.

If I can't be
like that with somebody,

Then I'm not being myself.

But you're the kind of girl
that he needs.

He has that bad-boy, like,
quality about him.

But he's a sweetheart
and a teddy bear.

It's almost like she's
too comfortable.

I'm telling you, man.
You can't be too comfortable.

'Cause if you're
too comfortable,

Somebody's gonna walk away.

But it's good to be, like,
open and honest with each other.

That's how me and chris are.

We talk about everything.

We haven't talked
about poop yet.

That's gonna-
that'll come.

Yeah, no.
Mm.

[Laughs]

[Screaming]

Whoo, whoo, whoo!

Oh, hi, seaside!
Hey!

[Alarm dings]

Thank you.

Oh, shocker!

What the f*ck, yo?
[Laughs]

It's extremely embarrassing
to have your girlfriend

Making references
to hand signs of "the shocker."

[Rock music]

♪ ♪

Both:
hey.

What are you guys doing?

I took a nap in your bed.

Oh, that's fine.

It smelled really good.

Oh, you look so cute.

Yeah.
What up?

That cute little bow.

How was your date?
Fantastic.

So romantic.
Fantastic.

Where'd you guys go?
Both: spicy's.

Went on a spin-ny ride.
The night was very spicy.

And we almost got sick.

The night was
extremely spicy for me.

What are we doing?
We're resting.

I did go to spicy's but
the night was also spicy.

Are you sleepy?

All right, all I have
to do is get changed.

I'm not gonna-
I'm gonna stay in.

You're staying in?

Yeah, with sam.

I'm pushing the eject button.

It was a lot of fun.

Pulling the 'chute?

I think so.
Pulling the 'chute?

I think I bit off more
than I can swallow.

I'm gonna change.
Okay.

♪ How to live with ♪

♪ You know you won't give up
until it's over ♪

What up?
Dude.

♪ How to treat your
petty worries ♪

♪ You made them up
yourself ♪

♪ ♪

How was date night?

Fun.
Date night was fantastic.

Yeah?
What did I miss?

I got the shocker at dinner.

I don't know if you know
what the shocker is.

It's two.
That was not at dinner.

That was on the ride.

She was doing the shocker
at dinner time.

It was on a ride.

She was doing the shocker
at dinner tonight.

No.
She was like this.

She was doing the shocker, son,
yes.

On the ride, yes.
Not at dinner.

I'm doing the "b" side,
and she's doing the shocker,

On the ride.

I'm like, "no,
but I'm not into that."

You know I did.
You never did the shocker, yo?

I'm like...
[Trills in throat]

Oh, god.

Her mouth, she has no filter.

Boys do not like girls speaking
too raunchy about sex

In front of others.

You could speak mad dirty girl
in the bedroom to me,

But nobody else.

Oh, god.

I like it.
What'd she say?

She says, "I like it."
[Laughter]

I'm very open
with my sexuality.

And, you know, the shocker
is sometimes nice.

Not all the time,

But sometimes, you know,

You're in the mood
for a shocker.

Oh.
I'm sorry, babe.

It's all good.

But you're bright red.
What the hell?

I'm chalking it up,
you know what I mean?

What does that mean?

Chalking it up just means
I have no control

Over what comes out
of your mouth.

And, um, when you sit there
and smile, it's all good.

Huh?
What?

[Falsetto]
awkward! Awkward!

Paula, are you wearing
a fake a*s?

Yes, I am.

Let me see the a*s pads.

Oh, my god!

She just ripped it out.
Holy sh*t!

I am not ashamed
of my imperfection.

No shame.

I'm chalking it up.

What does that mean?

Chalking it up just means
I have no control

Over what comes out
of your mouth.

When you sit there and smile,
it's all good.

Huh?
What?

[Falsetto]
awkward! Awkward!

That is so f*cked up.

I don't know why mike, like,
is so, like, rude

In front of everybody.

Sometimes, you don't have
a filter, around me.

And I chalk it up
to, like, that's paula.

If I was paula,
I would, like,

Whack him across the head
with my clutch.

The cab is here.

[Chuckling] the cab is here.

Let's go.
All right, let's roll with it.

One for the road.
[Overlapping good-byes]

Love you.
See you in the morning.

Whoa!

Riding up my a*s, tonight.

Sorry, babe.
It's all good, babe.

Sorry.

I'm chalking a lot
of things up lately.

[Dance music]

What's up, man?
How you doing?

♪ ♪

I'm going to
get some tonight.

I feel like mike thinks
he's missing out on mvp.

But paula's a great catch.

You know, paula's a good girl.

And she's fun,
she's not too serious.

And she enjoys mike.

Who the f*ck can stand mike?

Bathroom.

Bathroom?

Both:
mike's freaking out.

He's getting rid of paula.
Why do you say that?

She's done.
Are you kidding me?

Did you see his face?
Ge's bright-a*s red.

He pretty much just said that.
But he always says that.

No.

Did you hear
what he just said?

He said pretty much,
"I like it

When you just sit there
and smile and don't talk."

I know, that was rude.
Mm-hmm.

So I think mike really doesn't
know how to, like, treat paula,

Or, you know, actually, talk
to her.

Because when he's saying,
"I can't control

What's coming out
of your mouth,"

That's, like,
a really rude thing to say.

If jionni said that to me,

I'd probably punch him
in the face.

Like, that's f*cking rude.

So mean.

It's all right.
He was freaking out.

He made a mistake.

I like her though.

I'm going to sleep, kids.

Have fun having sex.

Good night, mom, good night.

Good night, mom.

Make babies tonight.
[Burps]

[Booming dance music]

♪ ♪

Where's your girl?

I saw her.
She's with jenni.

Paula probably has no idea
where I'm at right now.

I could be three feet
away from her,

And she still probably
wouldn't know.

What's wrong?

Nothing.

Poor paula.

I would feel like,
"really, chris?

And you love me?"

I'm vinny.
Hi, how are you doing?

Mvp is just like, you know,
doing our own thing,

Looking for chicks.

But mike probably shouldn't be
partaking

In mvp antics tonight,

Because his girlfriend is
at the club.

I can't do three in a row,
I'll throw up.

I think paula knows
where mike is at this point.

I feel like she doesn't want
to be the clingy girlfriend,

Which is a good thing.

So if the boys feel like they
have to do their own thing,

You let them go,
but keep an eye.

Always keep an eye.

There you go.

What else you got?

She could be a meatball.

So this old lady comes in,

And she looks like
a little meatball.

And I'm like, "give me
the jersey turnpike."

Turn around.

Go down.

No, no.
Keep your butt up.

Shake your butt up.

There you go.

And, all of a sudden,
I think I pushed her,

And I'm like,

"Oh, my god, I just pushed
an old lady

On the floor."

[All screaming]

No, I didn't push
this old lady on the floor.

She all of sudden
just comes up,

Rolls into, like, a split.

Doing all types of, like,
gymnastic moves.

[All cheering]
what?

I've never seen anything
like this in my life.

It was like the best thing
I ever saw.

Mind you, she's like


That was
the best jersey turnpike

I've ever seen in my life.

How did you do the jersey
turnpike better...

A jersey turnpike
at a whole other level.

She just put me to shame.

[Booming dance music]

Well, let's just roll it out.

Just relax.

[Burps]
excuse me.

Taking a shower?

Of course.
Okay.

Paula, are you wearing
a fake a*s?

Yes, I am.
Right now?

You're wearing a*s pads
right now?

Let me see.
You're wearing a*s pads?

Let me see the a*s pads.

Can I feel them?

It should be ill*gal
for a woman to wear a*s pads.

Like that
is false advertisement,

And that is not right.

Holy sh*t!
There it is.

Oh, my god!
She just ripped it out.

Paula's like... Boom-
whips out an a*s pad.

I'm like, "what the hell?"

Does mike know about this?

It gives it a lift.

Because my a*s is
about as flat as they come, so.

Wait, tighten your pants.
No, actually, turn around.

Yo, you gotta...

It drops down
when you put 'em in.

Yeah, you got the-[laughs]

You got the mad
'rican a*s.

It's like
oh, hell, yeah.

♪ My a*s pads bring
all the boys to the yard ♪

Mazel tov!

You know what I like?

That you're honest about it.

You're like, "yeah..."
I'm not ashamed

Of my imperfections.
No shame.

You know it all, don't you?
What is a dolphin tail?

Tell me.
The dolphin is when you

Try to put it in a girl's butt,
and she goes, "eh-eh."

[Laughter]

Tell vinny what
the superman is.

You come on the girl's back
and you throw a blanket

Or the sheets
on top of her back.

Yeah, that's what
I'm talking about.

Oh, my-[laughter]

What the hell?

What is that, man?
The superman?

The superman!
That is dope!

Mike would be so embarrassed
at what she's doing.

Stuff that comes
out of her mouth

Is a lot raunchier than stuff
that comes out of my mouth.

Mike, while
you're in the shower,

Paula showed us
her a*s pads.

Oh... Awesome.
No, I didn't.

And vinny put 'em on.

Chalk in that one.
That's a real chalk.

Let me grab those, dog.

[Laughter]

I'm gonna get away
with this.

Oh!
[Pauly laughing]

No, unfortunately for me,

My girl is turning into
one of the boys.

Yeah, buddy!

And I'm not going
to f*ck you

If you act like
one of the boys.

She told us about
the superman.

And she told us about
the superman.

No!
No, you're gonna scare him.

You're... He's gonna think
that I do this stuff.

I'm really getting
embarrassed right now.

Is this her past
sexual history,

Or is this something
that she knows of?

And it sounds like she knows
a little bit too much.

Carpet surfing is when
you take your feet

And you drag your a*s
on the floor like this...

Oh, my god!

Oh, my god!
What the f*ck?

You got a book on this?

What is going on here?
I'm speechless right now.

I really don't know
what to do

Besides just look down.

Mmm.
Chalk it up.

I'm going to sleep, man.
You outta here?

Yeah, good night.
All right.

Good night.
Night. Had a great day.

I'm coming up
in a minute too.

Mike hates his girlfriend,
and he hates his life right now.

He never should have gave her
that title to begin with,

'Cause then he would have
had that free

Get out of jail free pass
and wouldn't be in this problem.

He hates her.
Hates her guts.

Can't stand her.
He's freaking out.

Can't stand her.
Hates her, over it.

He'll always have
a relationship with her,

But they're not gonna...
Every word out of her mouth,

He hates.
He's embarrassed

At everything she says.
Yeah.

♪ Something is going wrong ♪

♪ Just like an atom b*mb ♪

♪ ♪