[upbeat rock music]
[Bubba J] Hey, everybody!
It's the holidays!
A time for some
joy and laughter.
And no one hands out that stuff
better than your friend and mine,
Jeff Dunham!
[audience cheering]
Hey, hey, Milwaukee!
[audience cheering]
Welcome to my Scrooged-Up Holiday
Special in the beer capital of the world.
[audience cheering]
Man, what a gorgeous theater.
What a perfect place to do this.
My boys have been exploring it,
you know, during the day
when nothing's going on here.
That third balcony is
way the heck up there.
That's literally the nosebleed
section. It's awesome.
They were running around, and
James discovered something today
that I thought was pretty
great. So, he's running around.
And because it's
the Pabst Theater,
he found the 'P' on
the carpet upstairs.
Right there. See it?
And it runs all the
way, up and out...
the sides of all the runners
going up and down the hallways
You can see him point to it. Oh,
yeah, there he is pointing to it.
He thought that was very cool.
No. He didn't think it was cool.
He thought it was hilarious
because if you back up a
little to the next photo,
it spells "poop."
[audience laughing]
So, why a Christmas special?
Well, I'm sharing with you what
I know and what I grew up with.
I was raised in a home
that celebrated Christmas,
so this is a Christmas special.
If I was Jewish, this would
be a Hanukkah special.
If I was black, this might
be a Kwanzaa special.
If I was an atheist,
this would be a special.
[audience laughing]
But Christmas is
extra special for me,
because when I was
eight years-old,
that year under
the Christmas tree,
Santa left me my very
first ventriloquist dummy.
And I've shown this
photograph before,
but I have to show it again because
it's one of my favorite ones.
So, under the tree is Mom and
me and my first dummy and Dad,
and there we are right there.
- [audience applauding]
- [Jeff] Thank you.
I think I love that
picture also because
you can tell how
proud my father is.
[audience laughing]
But that moment right there
began a lifelong career
leading to this very
moment here tonight.
But this special is different
from any one I've ever done.
My wife Audrey came
up with the idea
of me and my guys doing
our own film version
of the Dickens classic,
A Christmas Carol.
I thought that would
be a great movie.
Why not? Let's see if
we can get it made.
But then in the meantime, I thought,
how about for my next stand-up special,
what if it's me talking to the guys
about their possible roles in the film
and what characters I
think they should play.
So, tonight I'm casting.
[audience laughing, cheering]
So, if you know the
Christmas Carol story,
see if you can guess who of my
guys should play whom in the movie.
[laughing]
You guys ready for the
little people in the boxes?
[audience cheering]
The first guy I'd like to introduce
has been in my act a long time,
and I'm fairly certain you can guess
who he'd play in A Christmas Carol.
Please help me welcome
my old friend, Walter.
[audience cheering]
Shut the hell up!
Good evening, Walter.
And why am I dressed like this?
- I am hot as hell!
- I know.
- I think I'm having a stroke.
- Come on.
[gargling sound]
I bet you love the holidays.
I bet you're an idiot.
Come on. What's your
favorite Christmas carol?
- My favorite Christmas carol...
- That's right.
You mean one that makes
me feel joy and hope
- and a beautiful peace inside?
- That's right.
"Grandma Got Run
Over by a Reindeer."
[audience laughing]
That's not a Christmas carol.
Just imagining fills
me with great joy.
Well, I'm happy to see you
dressed for the occasion.
Me? I didn't do this.
You did this to me!
He takes us on the tour bus and
plays dolly freakin' dress-up.
- No, I don't.
- No one can hear us scream.
- That's not true.
- Ah! He's touching us again!
Stop it. You look
great for the occasion.
- What occasion?
- This is our Christmas special,
and this special is
gonna be on Amazon Prime.
- Amazon?
- Yeah.
Oh, so they're gonna deliver this special
and leave it on everyone's front porch?
[audience laughing]
Inside another box that's ten
times the size it needs to be?
[audience laughing]
Then some jerk comes along
and steals it off the porch,
and I have to order
it all over again?
You know, Amazon makes
things very convenient.
Yeah, and how lazy have we
gotten? I mean seriously.
"I need a, uh, a toothpick.
I think they're upstairs.
Nah, that's too far to walk."
[audience laughing]
"I'll just order it on Amazon."
Let's see. Two cents
for a toothpick
and 29 dollars for
shipping. Done.
- [audience laughing]
- Walter...
Then, five minutes later
it's at my front door.
- Yeah.
- "Oh, look!
They shipped me my toothpick in a
box the size of a [bleep] Yugo."
[audience laughing]
A Yugo? That's your reference?
I guess you'd prefer a Prius?
[audience laughing, cheering]
That was a long time ago.
You are forever
damaged, my friend.
Look, our special's gonna be on Amazon
Prime, the subscription service.
Oh, good, so we can
subscribe, watch this special,
then quickly unsubscribe
so they won't charge us.
That's not the best
way to save money.
Says the guy who owned a Prius.
[audience laughing]
A blue Prius.
[audience laughing]
Does your wife
enjoy the holidays?
My wife? You mean
the nutcracker?
[audience laughing]
Your wife is a lovely lady, and I
know that you love her very much.
- Whatever.
- Tell everyone
what you gave your
wife last Christmas.
- COVID.
- No.
[audience laughing]
Look, next year there's an idea
of us filming a Christmas movie.
- A movie?
- Yeah, I'm picking the best roles
- for all the guys.
- Oh, and that's why I'm dressed like this?
- Yes.
- So I have to act?
- Ever done any acting?
- Sure.
- Like what?
- I laugh at your jokes.
[audience laughing]
- That's not funny.
- No, not usually. They're not.
[audience laughing]
- What's the movie?
- A Christmas Carol.
And all of us are
gonna be in it?
That's the plan.
And, uh, have you actually
decided on who gets what role?
I'm working on that right now.
Okay, so you're trying
figure out who I should play?
[audience laughing]
Well, yeah.
So, for me, you've narrowed it
down to a few possible characters?
[audience laughing]
- I'm a very versatile actor.
- I'm sure.
I can even be that little
kid who has a crutch.
[audience laughing]
Tiny Tim.
Why are we suddenly
talking about your...
- Oh! Oh! Oh! The kid! Tiny Tim!
- [audience laughing]
- I thought you were talking about your...
- Walter...
- Tiny Tim.
- Walter!
- I'm sorry.
- Tiny Tim has a very important role.
I'm sure he does,
Jeff. Good for you!
[audience laughing]
This is a Christmas story.
Good place to hang the
mistletoe. That's all I'm saying.
[audience laughing]
- Walter...
- You know, the twigs and berries.
- Will you stop it?
- [audience laughing]
Okay, back to the movie.
Now, what's that kid's name?
- It's Tiny Tim.
- Right.
And I'm telling you... with a
little makeup, I could be that kid.
- You could be Tiny Tim?
- He's angry, right?
- No.
- Oh, I think he is.
What is it he always says?
Well, his most famous
line is, "God..."
Oh, yeah! "God, why was I
born? It's a hard-knock life!"
- [audience laughing]
- What?
Then, he sings it, and the
sun comes out tomorrow,
and blahdy-blah-blah. I
hate that stupid show.
- That's Annie.
- Yeah.
And then Tiny Tim gets
left alone at his house,
and his mother yells, "Kevin!"
[audience laughing]
- That's Home Alone.
- I could be Kevin,
and you could be the guy that gets
hit in the head with a box of tools
- and his hair catches on fire.
- [audience laughing]
- Can you act?
- Can I act?
- You know, hang on a second.
- What?
I don't mean to interrupt
here. I keep looking at you.
I don't usually throw
around compliments.
I just gotta say here, you
know, you're getting old,
but you're still
looking pretty good.
Don't you think so?
He's doing all right?
[audience cheering]
- Thank you.
- Ha-ha. I'm [bleep] with ya. I'm acting.
[audience laughing]
One of the most moving scenes
in the story is near the end
when Scrooge breaks down crying
because he's filled with regret.
Do you think you could do that?
Oh, sure. I'll just
pretend I'm your father.
[audience laughing]
- [laughing]
- What does that mean?
- Oh, come on. Think about you.
- What?
Your father saved
his entire life
to send his only
son to a university.
- Yeah?
- Then, you took your degree,
did nothing with it, and
ended up doing a puppet show.
How much does that
suck for your parents?
- Walter...
- I mean, look at what you're doing now.
- This seems pretty good to me.
- No, not that. This.
- What?
- You're arguing.
- Yeah?
- With me!
[audience laughing]
- Right.
- Which is actually you!
- You know what's really weird?
- What?
You're also losing
this argument!
[audience laughing]
You ever seen The Twilight Zone?
- You're freaking in it!
- [audience laughing]
[sings The Twilight Zone theme]
[audience laughing]
Let's talk about your actual
role in A Christmas Carol.
- I don't know who I would be.
- [chuckling]
- It's very obvious.
- It is?
Yeah, you don't even
have to audition.
- What?
- Think about it.
- Who do you look like?
- Uhh...
Come on.
- Good God, you?
- No, not me!
Well, folks say you and
I kind of look alike.
- Well...
- Come on. Do the face.
[audience laughing, cheering]
That's just scary. Please
tell me we're not related.
[chuckling] All right.
At least I can smile.
[audience ooh's, laughs]
- I can smile.
- Really?
Yeah, well, it hurts
a little when I do.
- [audience laughing]
- Let's see.
[audience laughing]
Oh, I think I pulled
a groin muscle.
[audience laughing]
As for our movie, Walter,
you would be Scrooge.
What? Me?
Come on. Ebenezer Scrooge
was a very rich man
- who never got married.
- Oh, hell yeah. I'll be that guy.
[audience laughing]
In the beginning of the story, Scrooge
is very lonely. Do you know why?
He was a ventriloquist?
[audience laughing]
- Sorry.
- In the story,
Scrooge gets woken up three
times in the middle of the night.
And it gets worse and
worse the older you get.
[audience laughing]
Back then, women were
expected to marry,
have children, and
keep a nice household.
And those were the only acceptable
roles for women during that era.
Is that too much to ask?
[audience laughing]
Are you trying to turn off
every woman in this room?
Oh, no, no. You've
got that covered.
[audience laughing]
Hey ladies, you wanna hear a sentence
that in the history of humans
no woman has ever said? Ready?
[women in audience cheering]
"Ventriloquist... that's hot."
[audience laughing]
Wah-wah.
[audience laughing]
- Who wrote A Christmas Carol?
- Charles Dickens.
[giggling] Sorry. Just
laughing at his last name.
Dickens.
- They could be friends.
- Who?
Tiny Tim and Little Dickens.
[audience laughing]
You sure Tiny Tim's
name isn't Kevin?
No, it's not Kevin.
That's Home Alone.
Well, that's you as a kid... home
alone, playing with your Tiny Tim.
[audience laughing]
- Say goodnight, Walter.
- Thanks, Milwaukee!
[audience cheering]
Our next guy up is pretty
much a party animal
and perfect to play in our movie
as the Ghost of Christmas Past.
Please welcome your good
buddy and mine, Bubba J.
- [audience cheering]
- [upbeat rock music playing]
- [goofy laughter]
- How you doing, Bubba J?
Pretty good. And h*-h*-h*!
Oh, it's not Christmas yet.
Oh, well then, h*-h*-hold
my beer. [goofy laughter]
[audience laughing, cheering]
It's Milwaukee.
They love that crap.
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[goofy laughter]
- Bubba J.
- What?
Have you done any acting?
- Oh, sure.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- When?
When the police pull me over, I
act like I haven't been drinking.
- [audience laughing]
- What if there's a breathalyzer?
[chuckles] I get to
go on a sleepover.
- Oh.
- [audience laughing]
- Can we talk about the movie now?
- Okay.
To talk about the movie, let's
get in the mood of the season.
- Okay.
- When I wake up on Christmas morning,
- I'm happy to be alive.
- Well, you didn't drink as much as I did.
[audience laughing]
So, Christmas is my favorite time of year.
It's all about loving your fellow man.
[audience laughing]
- Really?
- Yes.
Uh, does your wife know that?
[audience laughing]
That's a shocker.
You should be upfront
with Audrey about that.
I had no idea.
She's gonna be like, "Jeff, why
do you now like the hot dogs
more than the honey-baked ham?"
[audience laughing]
They honey-baked ham?
- They know what I'm talking about.
- All right.
[audience laughing]
- It's warm...
- That's enough.
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
- Hey, in this movie, do we get presents?
- I don't know.
Come on. Presents are the
best part about Christmas.
Well, you know, Bubba J, it is
better to give than to receive.
Yes, especially when
you're in prison.
[audience laughing]
- No honey-baked ham.
- All right.
[audience laughing]
[goofy laughter] It's
more like a rump roast.
- Will you stop? I'm so sorry.
- [audience laughing]
[Jeff] This is not my fault.
So, does your wife bake
during the holidays?
- Oh, yeah.
- What?
- Meth.
- No. No.
[audience laughing]
- What?
- I mean like a holiday treat.
Well, she can put colored
sprinkles on it for ya.
Oh, whoops, I said "colored."
Nice knowing you, cr*cker.
[audience laughing]
So, do you have a
favorite Christmas carol?
Oh, well, my dad likes the
song "Baby, It's Cold Outside."
Oh, you know, a couple years ago,
that song was kind of canceled.
- Do you know why?
- Uh-huh. Global warming.
[audience laughing]
How about "I Saw Mommy
Kissing Santa Claus?"
Oh, I did too, but I
think it was my uncle.
[audience laughing]
- All right, back to our movie.
- Okay.
Did you see the movie The
Muppets' Christmas Carol?
Oh, no, I hate
puppets. They scare me.
[audience laughing]
Okay.
So, the movie we're sh**ting is
our version of A Christmas Carol.
- Okay.
- It's a story about a man
who learns the true
meaning of Christmas.
Was it during a Zoom meeting?
- [audience laughing]
- No.
You know, one time during a Zoom
meeting, I learned the true meaning
of forgetting to turn your
camera off during personal time.
[audience laughing]
On Christmas Eve, Scrooge
is visited by three ghosts.
Do you know why?
- He swiped right?
- No. No.
[audience laughing]
The Ghost of Christmas Past wakes up
Scrooge in the middle of the night
- and says to Scrooge...
- "We've been trying to reach you
about your car's
extended warranty."
[audience laughing, cheering]
- No.
- In this movie,
I want to be a superhero
Santa. And instead of reindeer,
I have hot chicks
with Christmas ta-tas.
[audience laughing]
I'm afraid to ask... what are
"Christmas ta-tas," Bubba J?
They're like ornaments
that I can touch.
[audience laughing]
- No. No.
- You sound like all the girls I dated.
- "No. No."
- [audience laughing]
Can't touch this...
[humming]
[audience laughing]
So, when you were a kid, did Santa
come down the chimney at your house?
We didn't have a chimney.
We lived in a mobile home.
- Oh.
- My parents said he came up the tailpipe.
[audience laughing]
I think there's another prison
joke here if you want it.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
You know, my daddy
kinda looked like Santa.
Really? What, did
he say 'h*-h*-h*?'
Sometimes when my
sisters were going out.
[audience laughing]
- Was your father that mean?
- No, he was just counting.
- [audience laughing]
- I see.
- One time, he said 'h*' four times.
- What did that mean?
[goofy laughter] Mom
was going with 'em.
[audience laughter]
Okay, so in England, do you know
who they call 'Father Christmas?'
- Nick Cannon.
- No.
[audience laughing]
Are you familiar with Dickens?
Oh, yeah. Yesterday I stepped on a
rake, and it hit me in the Dickens.
- No.
- [audience laughing]
No. Charles Dickens.
Oh, yours has a first
and a last name.
[audience laughing]
- Fancy.
- Bubba J...
Hey, honey, meet Charles.
[audience laughing]
You know, people have been reading
A Christmas Carol for 150 years.
Then I'd say it's too long.
[audience laughing]
They can't all be gems. Shut up.
[audience laughing]
But like I said, we're sh**ting
our version of the story.
- We are?
- Yeah, we're sh**ting Scrooge.
Well, I hope he's white.
Otherwise, it'll be a hate crime.
[audience laughing]
Sometimes, I ad-lib you
into trouble, don't I?
[audience laughing]
In the story, Scrooge becomes
a second father to Tiny Tim.
Oh, my uncle is
my second father.
- Oh.
- Yeah, and my real father, too.
[audience laughing]
Then he had that operation,
and he was my other mother.
[audience laughing]
[goofy laughter]
Okay, like I said, Scrooge has three
visitors in the middle of the night.
- Like Jack Daniels?
- No. No.
- Jim Beam? Dos Equis?
- No. No!
- Ghosts.
- Ghosts?
Yes, and I want you to play
the Ghost of Christmas Past.
- You want me to be a ghost?
- Yeah.
- I shouldn't do it.
- Why not?
It never goes well when there's
a redneck in a white sheet.
[audience laughing, cheering]
Well... [laughing]
- Boo!
- I got it.
Since the story takes
place in old England,
can you speak with
a British accent?
Oh, yeah, sure.
I do it when the cops pull me over for
driving on the wrong side of the road.
[audience laughing]
[drunk British accent]
"Hello, there, Officer."
[audience laughing]
"I had no idea you blokes drive
on the wrong side of the road."
- "Rah, rah, rah, rah."
- [audience laughing]
- Does that work?
- Oh, yeah.
- Because your accent is so good?
- No, because my teeth are so bad.
[audience laughing]
Well, A Christmas Carol
takes place in London
around the time Queen Victoria
married her first cousin.
Oh, she beat me to it.
[audience laughing]
But she was Queen until she
was eighty-two-years-old.
Do you know what
happened after that?
Uh, they convinced her to
not run for a second term?
[audience laughing, cheering]
[goofy laughter]
- I'm smart. I watch TV.
- All right.
So, Bubba J, what happens when the
director of a movie yells, "Action?"
Oh, that's my favorite kind of movie.
[hums stereotypical porn music]
[audience laughing]
You know, if you're an actor,
you have to know your cue.
Oh, that's nothing.
When a cop pulls me over, I
have to know the whole alphabet.
[audience laughing]
Okay, so in the movie, you're
playing the Ghost of Christmas Past.
- How was I?
- What?
If I'm the Ghost of Christmas
Past, I already did it.
No, you haven't done it yet.
You're playing him in the future.
- Oh, we're going back to the future?
- No.
Can I take Scrooge to
the past in a DeLorean?
- [audience laughing]
- Are you joking?
Jokes? Where we're going,
we don't need jokes.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
So, Bubba J, we've
now gotten to the part
that I think is your
favorite part of the show.
- Can I introduce it?
- Sure.
This is the part of the show where you
get to hear about what I think about
after I've had a few too
many. [goofy laughter]
This is 'Bubba J's Egg Nog
Shots and Christmas Thoughts.'
[audience cheering]
Every Christmas, my
mother bakes us cookies
and a gingerbread halfway house.
[audience laughing]
Think about this... is
Cindy-Lou Who Chinese?
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing]
Is it wrong for a snowman to ask
Santa Claus for a bigger carrot?
[audience laughing]
If the Grinch stole Kwanzaa,
would Democrats say
it was Trump's fault?
[audience laughing]
When the little drummer
boy played for baby Jesus,
was that the peak of his career?
[audience laughing]
Did the three wise men
include gift receipts?
[audience laughing]
- You know what those gifts were, right?
- Oh, yeah.
- Gold, frankincense, and myrrh.
- Good for you.
- Very beautiful gifts.
- Yeah.
I doubt when he was in the
manger and was given those gifts,
that's the first time anybody went,
"Jesus Christ, look what you got!"
[audience laughing, cheering]
Keep going.
Maybe Santa wouldn't have
to check his list twice
if he used a bigger font. Duh.
[audience laughing]
Is Santa bipolar?
[goofy laughter]
You get it? I wrote that one. I'm
killin' right now. That's good.
When Santa goes to a strip
club, does he make it snow?
[audience laughing]
- Why you laughing?
- I wrote that yesterday. It's funny.
[audience laughing]
If there's an earthquake on
Christmas in Los Angeles,
I bet you'll find
a shelf on an elf.
[audience laughing]
For Christmas this past year,
I got my wife a boob job.
For Christmas this year,
I'll get her the other one.
[audience laughing]
And finally, can a
Gingerbread Man transition?
[audience laughing]
- What would he become?
- [goofy laugh] A donut hole.
[audience laughing, cheering]
- Say goodnight, Bubba J.
- Thanks, Milwaukee!
Merry Christmas! Happy New Year!
[audience cheering]
[indistinct Bubba J
chatter, goofy laughter]
For the next cast
member in our movie,
I realized I had the perfect
guy to play Tiny Tim.
He's a semi-professional
ventriloquist dummy
that I designed and just
happen to sell online
and on Amazon, but...
this is the brand-new and
improved and cuter version 2.0
for kids and adults.
Please help me welcome the
perfect Christmas present
- for any new ventriloquist, Little Jeff.
- [upbeat rock music playing]
[audience cheering]
How you doing, Little Jeff?
Oh, I'm doing just fine,
Jeff. Thank you very much.
Okay. And you know where we are?
Oh, yeah, sure. We're
in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
[audience cheering]
In the lovely and
historic Pabst Theater.
- That's right.
- Yeah.
- Where you have dressed me like a bum.
- Hey.
Okay, we're really not supposed
to use the word 'bum' anymore.
Oh, my apologies.
- It's offensive to some folks.
- That's right.
Why am I dressed like this?!
Looks like Goodwill
went to ill will.
[audience laughing]
- Or I need a freaking will.
- All right.
Am I supposed to be homeless?
- It's not homeless.
- But wait a minute!
The other guys and I
already live in boxes,
so we are kind of
homeless already.
Just look. We're going
to be sh**ting a movie,
- and I want you to play Tiny Tim.
- Who you calling tiny?
No, it's just a character name.
Well, I don't like it. I'm taller
than Tom Cruise, I'll have you know.
[audience laughing]
Shut up! I am!
He does his own stunts 'cause
little guys don't get hurt.
[audience laughing]
- I didn't know that.
- Oh, sure.
You can carry him around in one
of those frickin' suitcases, too.
See, he could be in A
Christmas Carol. Tiny Tom.
- [audience laughing]
- I don't think so.
Tiny Tom and Tiny Tim could
fight Evil Scrooge. [laughing]
[laughing]
I got a weapon
right here. Hi-ya!
Hi-ya! [hums Mission
Impossible theme]
[audience laughing]
- Can you put that down, please?
- Okay, whatever. Not like it's my crutch.
[audience laughing]
This jerk hot-glued it
in my hand. I hate you.
- All right.
- [audience laughing]
I don't look like this
when you're buying a box.
I don't have on my stupid
hat and the bum clothes.
You're not... don't say "bum."
Bum bum. Bum bum
bum. Bum bum bum bum.
Bum-bum, bum-bum-bum,
bum-bum. Hi-ya!
[humming]
Dee-dee-dee-dee-dee,
dun-dun-dun.
- Can we go on?
- I don't care.
- I forgot where we were.
- Mil-wau-kee.
- I know that.
- [audience laughing]
Be nice, or Santa Clause
won't bring you anything.
That fat guy never
gave me nothin'!
Really? Maybe 'cause
you're not nice.
- I'm nice!
- You sure?
Ahh...
Santa knows when you're
naughty and nice.
Why does no one find it
creepy that Santa does
constant surveillance
on your kids?
[audience laughing]
So, I'm curious... do you
have any Christmas traditions?
- Yeah, I like to go to Vegas.
- Ah.
Does it feel like
Christmas in Vegas?
It does when the
strippers wear Santa hats.
[audience laughing]
You know we're making
a Christmas movie?
Is it one of the horrible sappy
ones on the Hallmark Channel
that make me wanna
dropkick a cat?
[audience laughing]
No. Like I said, it's our
version of A Christmas Carol.
Oh, that sounds fantastic!
Any big stars in this movie?
Uh, well, I'll be in it.
So that would be
'no.' Anybody else?
[audience laughing]
All of us, including you.
If you say you want me
to be a tiny little elf,
I will Tom Cruise you. Hi-ya!
Look, in this story,
Tiny Tim is dying.
Aw, how come?
- Well...
- You wrote his jokes? [laughing]
That's funny crap right there.
That's a good one. I got you there.
- Does this Tiny Tim have a job?
- No.
So, he's unemployed
and he's a foreigner.
Bus him to California.
They'll love his a*s.
[audience laughing, cheering]
- And Tiny Tim needs medical help?
- Yeah, some kind of operation.
Oh, so then Tiny Tim
becomes Tiny Tina?
[audience laughing]
Why don't we talk
about Christmas carols?
Maybe you could sing one
at the end of the movie.
What? I don't know
any Christmas carols.
- I bet you know more than you think.
- I don't know.
I'll give you a line
or two of the song,
and I think the rest will
just pop into your head.
- Okay, whatever.
- O Holy Night
I think you're out of tune
[audience laughing]
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
No one knows what
the heck a bough is
[audience laughing]
Hark, the herald angels sing
Who is Harold and
is he a queen?
[audience laughing]
O come all ye faithful
I can't believe
you said that
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Silent Night
Your hearing ain't right
[audience laughing]
What child is this?
With Maury Povich
[audience laughing]
Jingle bells, jingle bells
If you're wearing
them, you're g*y
- No!
- [audience laughing]
God rest ye, merry gentlemen
The hookers went away
[audience laughing]
Do you hear what I hear?
Nope. You have
voices in your head.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
I'll have a blue Christmas.
Thank you, Viagra.
[audience laughing]
Say goodnight, Little Jeff.
Thanks, everybody! Yay!
- [audience cheering]
- Thank you!
[Jeff] Thank you.
The Ghost of Christmas Present was
another bit of easy casting for me,
because there's no one more present
or in your face than this purple guy.
Please help me welcome
my old friend, Peanut!
- [audience cheering]
- [upbeat rock music]
- Heya, Peanut.
- Doin' pretty good. How about you?
- I'm fine.
- That's [gibberish]. That's good!
- [laughing] Ha ha!
- Stop it! Cut it out.
- So, what's up, Jeff-fa-fa?
- As I've been telling the other guys,
you know we're going to be sh**ting
a Christmas movie next year.
- Yes!
- What's your favorite part of Christmas?
- The MILF on a shelf.
- [audience laughing]
Oh, sorry. Elf. Elf,
elf, elf on a shelf.
Sorry, I get those two
mixed up sometimes.
Well, my friend's mom
is incredibly hot.
- Right.
- And incredibly short.
- So, "MILF on a shelf."
- Stop it.
Okay, sorry. [laughing] Ha ha!
- Stop!
- [audience laughing]
Can't wait to kiss her
under the camelt...
Mistletoe, mistletoe, mistletoe!
[audience laughing]
Mistletoe. Sorry.
[audience laughing]
Sorry.
[laughing]
Okay, what's up?
Do you know who I want you
to play in A Christmas Carol?
- The rabbi!
- No. No.
- There is no rabbi. No.
- Really?
- r*cist!
- Stop it.
There's no rabbi in the original
story of A Christmas Carol.
- You should change that.
- No, I shouldn't.
Jeff, these days you have to
be diverse in your hiring.
- I know.
- And equitable.
- Yes.
- And inclusive.
You're here.
[audience laughing]
- The hell does that mean?
- Well, you're not exactly typical.
Oh, really? Well,
neither are you.
- I'm not purple.
- [audience laughing]
- I'm "of color."
- [audience laughing]
No one who is "of
color" is purple.
[scoffs] Barney?
- Well...
- [audience laughs]
- Grimace?
- [audience laughing]
Peanut, those guys are
all fake. You're real.
[audience laughing]
I'm just gonna let that
hang in the air for a while
until everyone figures out
you're a danger to yourself
- and those around you.
- [audience laughing]
In the movie, I want you to play
the Ghost of Christmas Present.
- Sounds great!
- Right.
You enter Scrooge's
bedroom wearing a robe.
- Oh, I'll be like Hugh Hefner. "Hello."
- [audience laughing]
No, but you tell Scrooge that
unless he helps Tiny Tim,
the boy will die.
Why don't we make it
that Walter dies instead?
He's old. It's time, Jeff.
[audience laughing]
Come on, he's made of wood.
So, instead of a cremation,
- we'll have a campfire and make s'mores.
- [audience laughing]
- That's terrible.
- Wait!
You said I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Present?
- Yes.
- So, I give presents?
No, not "presents." I said
"present," as in "now."
I'm changing it. I'm the Ghost
of Christmas Presents. Yay!
In fact, I have a Christmas
present for you, Jeff.
- For me?
- Yes. Marnell!
- What are you doing?
- It's okay. I already set up with Marnell.
- Marnell!
- Don't yell at Marnell.
I always yell at
Marnell. Marnell!
Oh, look, there it is.
There's the Christmas present!
Look it, look it. Marnell,
you gotta help Jeff open it
'cause one of his
hands is occupied.
Well, I don't know. You do a lot
with one hand, don't you, Jeff?
[audience laughing]
- [laughing] Ha ha!
- Stop it!
Thank you, Marnell. Marnell.
[deeper voice] Marnell. Marnell.
[audience laughing]
What white guy's named Marnell?
It makes no sense whatsoever.
And his last name is
White. What the [bleep]?
[audience laughing]
You know you thought you
were diversity hiring
when you hired 'Marnell White,"
then that [bleep] showed up.
[audience laughing, cheering]
[Jeff chuckling, stuttering]
- Open it!
- But...
[high-pitch voice] Open
it, open it, open it!
[audience laughing]
[mumbling indistinctly]
Oh. [scoffs]
Look, it's the Peanut
ventriloquist dummy!
I'm so excited! Look at that!
[audience cheering]
So great! Look at that!
Tell 'em about the box. The
box! Tell 'em about the box!
- Just the freakin' box!
- Okay.
So, even the box is great. We made
it like a little steamer trunk.
It has stickers on it and a
handle. It's easy to carry.
And this can be
for kids or adults.
Way to go, Jeff. You're doin'
great. Now, show 'em the doll.
It's such a great dummy. It's
handsome. It's me. It's so great!
[audience laughing]
- Show 'em!
- Okay.
Here it come, here it
comes. [excited laughing]
Oh, look, it's a little
Peanut! [squealing]
[audience cheering]
Yay!
So great! Tell them about it.
Okay, well, this is actually
a very high quality product.
- It's a legit ventriloquist dummy.
- Not a doll!
- No, it's not a...
- No string in the back of the neck!
- He's a hollow body.
- Hollow body!
- And there's a stick.
- A stick!
- It's called a head stick.
- Head stick!
- And you can move it around.
- There's a trigger!
Trigger on the stick, and you can make
him move like that and make him talk.
Show 'em how it works.
Show 'em! Show 'em!
- Show them?
- Show 'em how it works!
- You just can't do it. Show 'em.
- Oh. All right.
- [screaming]
- [audience laughing]
What the hell? What did you do?
W-what? I'm gonna be in therapy
for ten years now! What did you do?
I... you wanted me to
show them how it works.
Not pull his head off!
What is wrong with you?
[audience laughing]
Put it back!
You are a sick man deep down.
- [audience laughing]
- Okay, so there he is.
Anyway, like I said, a
high quality product.
And even the feet and the hands,
I 3D scanned the real Peanut.
Yeah, and now I have cancer.
[audience laughing]
Okay, make him talk.
- What?
- Make him talk.
- Make him...
- Yeah, make him talk.
- Okay, but that's ventriloquism.
- Right.
- It's not easy.
- No.
- Lot of practice.
- Lot of practice!
- Right? Okay.
- Good.
I mean, first you have to learn how
to talk without moving your lips,
and then you have to learn
how to throw your voice,
and then you have to learn how
to make your voice different
so it's not the same as yours,
and then have to learn how
to manipulate it and
make him come to life.
Jeff, make the
[bleep] doll talk.
[audience laughing, cheering]
Look, I don't really do this.
I just sell the dummy, uh...
But I guess I can
figure this out.
So, uh, once for
each syllable...
Okay, here we go.
[clears throat] Okay.
[Southern accent] Hi,
look at me! I'm Peanut!
I'm just sittin' up here.
I'm an ugly little guy.
Look, I got a big purple head,
and I got a green thing coming
out of the top of my head.
I look like a
pineapple gone bad!
That's what I look
like. [goofy laughter]
Hey, look, I got only one shoe.
Did I lose a shoe or
did I find a shoe?
I'm so stupid, I don't know.
Blah...!
[audience laughing, cheering]
The hell was that?
What the hell was
what, Big Ugly Peanut?
It's just me, Little Handsome
Peanut talking to Big Handsome Jeff.
We're just up here talkin'.
Oh, look. Exorcist. Errr...
[audience laughing]
[goofy laughter] Blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah...
[audience laughing]
Payback's a b*tch.
[audience laughing, cheering]
Okay, first of all, that
sounds nothing like me.
Oh, well, I don't
do impressions.
[audience laughing]
No, Ugly Peanut, he
doesn't do impressions.
This is just how I
talk. [goofy laughter]
That sounds stupid. Blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah...
[gibberish noises]
[wild laugh] Blah...
[audience laughing]
I'm gonna [bleep] k*ll you.
[audience laughing]
Oh, no! Big Ugly Peanut,
don't drop the f-b*mb!
People get upset
when you do that.
He's gotta talk and tell
stupid jokes. Blah, blah.
I'm funny, telling
stupid jokes. Blurr...
[audience laughing]
I'm gonna hire Achmed...
[audience laughing]
to get on the tour bus,
sneak in your bunk,
- and m*rder you in your sleep.
- [audience laughing]
Oh, no! Big Ugly
Peanut, don't k*ll Jeff!
'Cause if he's dead,
we're all out of work.
[wild laughing] Blah, blah,
blah, blah, blah, blah...
[audience laughing]
- Are you finished?
- Yeah, I think so.
- This wasn't funny.
- Oh, it was really funny.
- I did not like it.
- I loved it.
- Fine. Fine.
- Fine. Fine.
- Big Peanut...
- That's me.
- And Little Peanut.
- That's me.
[all three chuckling]
[audience cheering]
And that's Peanut,
ladies and gentlemen!
- Thank you!
- [audience cheering]
[Jeff] Thank you. So,
there's a character in my act
that I knew would be
perfect to play Death.
I think many of you
know who that is.
Please help me welcome the
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come.
- [upbeat rock music playing]
- [audience cheering]
[cackling]
[vaguely Arabic accent]
Greetings and h*-h*-h*!
Merry Christmas, infidels!
[audience cheering]
Um, Achmed, why do
you have on that hat?
I am Santa Claus.
- No, you're not.
- Yes, I am.
We are in the movie
A Christmas Carol,
and I am here, Santa Claus,
to bring Christmas joy
to all the evil infidel
children around the world.
[laughing]
In the story A Christmas
Carol, there is no Santa Claus.
What is that line from that old
movie, Miracle on 34th Street?
Ah, yes. [clears throat] Yes,
Virgin, there is a Santa Claus.
- Achmed...
- Santa!
And I am right here. h*-h*-h*!
Virgin, you need a h*.
[audience laughing]
- Achmed...
- I am Santa,
and I have a Christmas
song to sing to Scrooge.
- Well...
- It's called "Deck the Hell."
[clears throat] La la...
[to tune of "Deck the Halls"]
Death to my pal, Ebenezer
Fa la-la la-la,
la-la, bye-bye
You will soon be
one dead geezer
Fa la-la la-la,
la-la, you'll fry
You can help that Tiny Timmy
Fa la-la, la-la-la,
or turn blue
Take it from me,
the Grim Reaper
Fa la-la la-la,
la... I k*lled you
[audience cheering]
[Achmed] Thank you. Thank you.
Achmed, what do you think
about becoming an actor?
I will not do nude scenes.
[audience laughing]
- It's not funny!
- [audience laughing]
When I say I am all bone,
it is not what you think.
[audience laughing]
So, are you familiar
with A Christmas Carol?
Is she really angry
like Christmas Karen?
[audience laughing]
- That's a different thing.
- I hope so.
I'm scared of that crazy lady.
[audience laughing]
Do you know who visits Scrooge
in the middle of the night?
[gasps] 72 virgins?
[audience laughing]
No. Scrooge gets woken up
in the middle of the night
by three different folks.
Oh, Seal Team Six.
[audience laughing]
- I knew a guy that happened to.
- Yeah?
- Did not end well for him.
- No.
- You're talking about Usama.
- Yes.
That was awful what happened.
- Well...
- b*tch owed me money!
[audience laughing]
- Hey, I was curious.
- Yes?
Is the term 'elf'
politically correct,
or do we now have to call them
vertically-challenged North Poleans?
[audience laughing]
Also, I would like to thank my
reindeer for flying me here tonight.
Much safer than on Boeing.
[audience ooh's, laughing]
Oh, too soon?
[audience laughing]
Ah, by the time this
special airs, it'll be fine.
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
Wait, on second thought, I
don't think I can be Santa.
- Why not?
- I'm on a no-fly list.
[audience laughing]
- It's not funny!
- [audience laughing]
- I k*ll you from here!
- [laughing]
Okay, look, A Christmas Carol
takes place at Christmas time.
That doesn't mean there has
to be a Santa in our movie.
Oh, come on! I'll be great!
And I already did some
trading with the real Santa.
- What?
- Yeah, I traded him
eight of my best goats
for eight of his reindeer.
- What?
- And they are virgin reindeer.
[audience laughing]
How do you know if
they're virgin reindeer?
Uh, the red nose
is still in tact.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
Some of them got it.
Some of them didn't.
- Okay.
- [audience laughing]
- Achmed...
- Oh, come on, please?
I can visit Tiny Tim and bring
toys made from Santa's workshop.
Are the toys really made
in Santa's workshop?
- Uh, yes.
- [audience laughing]
But "Santa's Workshop" is
now the code word for China.
[audience laughing]
- Or as Trump calls it, "Gina."
- [audience laughing]
[laughing] I was
thinking the other day...
it's a good thing China
is not in Virginia.
Because then Trump would say,
"I'm having a rally in vag*na."
- [goofy laughter]
- [audience laughing]
[Achmed cackling]
You don't think the
elves make the toys now?
Well, Chinese kids
are very small.
- No. No. No.
- [audience laughing]
Achmed, you can't
make jokes like that.
Too late, and do
not call me Achmed.
- My pronoun is now "Santa."
- [audience laughing]
Santa is a name, and a
name is not a pronoun.
It's a proper noun.
You see, this is why you don't have
any friends outside the suitcase.
[audience laughing]
As Santa, I will have my list of
kids who are naughty and nice.
And by the way, you know
how Santa gets his list?
- No.
- The Chinese track the kid
on [bleep] TikTok.
[audience laughing, cheering]
- [Achmed] True story.
- [Jeff chuckling]
By the way, did you know I used
to be as big as Santa Claus?
- Yeah, but you know... [clunk]
- [audience laughing]
Look, if I played this
ghost, what are my lines?
- Oh, the ghost you play is silent.
- Silent?
- Right.
- You mean I don't say anything?
- That's correct.
- Oh.
How can I yell "silent"
if I'm always silent?
[audience laughing]
You take Scrooge to a cemetery
and simply point at his grave.
You want me to point?
[audience laughing]
- A little help.
- [audience laughing]
[audience laughing, cheering]
Did my arms just fall off?
Holy crap, I really
was made in China!
[audience laughing]
- Are they down there?
- Yeah, they're down there.
- Where are they?
- No, don't... you'll hurt...
Oh, no! Hold on a
second. Look, stop!
[indistinct arguing]
- [screaming]
- [audience laughing]
What the hell?
Now what do we do?
We can get some barbecue sauce.
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
- It's not funny!
- [audience laughing]
I want my baby
back, baby back...
[audience laughing]
- Not funny!
- [audience laughing]
- Put my ribs back on me.
- [audience laughing]
- Say please.
- [audience laughing]
- [bleep] you.
- [audience laughing, cheering]
- Not funny!
- [audience laughing]
Stop laughing, or I will
come down and Monty Python it
- and bite your legs off!
- [audience laughing]
Silent!
[audience laughing]
- You're gonna go to w*r?
- What?
Take up arms and...
[snickers] ...go?
[audience laughing, cheering]
- [mocking] Oh, ha ha ha.
- [audience laughing]
Okay.
- Looks like you cracked a rib.
- Shut up!
[audience laughing]
- I remember 'cause I superglued it.
- Silence!
- [giggling]
- [audience laughing]
- [giggling]
- [audience laughing]
[giggling, snickering]
- Okay.
- I hate you!
[audience laughing]
Get my arms!
- Holy crap!
- [audience laughing]
I don't know which one's
left and which one's right.
[audience laughing]
I don't... I don't know
how this goes in here.
- That's what she said.
- [audience laughing]
- Okay, next one.
- Look at that.
Cut it out!
[audience laughing]
- You're getting sleepy.
- Silence!
[audience laughing]
[Jeff chuckling] Hi.
[audience laughing]
[audience laughing]
- Thank you.
- All right, good to go. Here we go.
[audience laughing]
Ready? Okay!
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
The hell is that?
Well, my daughters were
cheerleaders, and I, you know...
- Fix my legs.
- Okay.
- Thank you. Thank you.
- Great.
[audience laughing]
Thank you.
- Very good. Than... what the...?
- [audience laughing]
- Son of a b*tch. What the...?
- [audience laughing]
- Okay, you're an as*h*le.
- [audience laughing]
Cut it out! The [bleep]?!
Stop it! Stop! Stop!
Stop touching my wiener!
- Okay!
- [audience laughing]
Don't touch your face.
You just touch my wiener.
- I...
- [audience laughing]
- All right, back to our movie.
- Okay.
Look, the story takes
place in old London.
Do you know what the call
Santa Claus in England?
Hey, you fat American!
Get [bleep] off my roof!
[audience laughing, cheering]
- Achmed...
- I should've done that
with a British accent.
[clears throat]
[obnoxious vocal warm-ups]
- What the hell?
- [audience laughing]
Me with my accent
doing a British accent?
What the hell does
that sound like?
- I don't know.
- Clearly.
Because I just tried it, and
you almost lost a tonsil.
[audience laughing]
By the way, what is your accent?
- You're asking me?
- [audience laughing]
I... I don't know.
Middle Eastern?
Where in the Middle East?
- Iowa?
- [audience laughing]
I am telling you my fans
want to hear me speak.
Let's get some lines
for my character.
- Like what?
- I don't know. [clears throat]
Hey Scrooge, I've got some
good news and some bad news.
[elderly voice]
What's the bad news?
[audience laughing]
- What the hell was that?
- [audience laughing]
- I was acting.
- Well, don't.
- You're scaring the children. Do it again.
- [audience laughing]
- What's the bad news?
- If you keep living the way you do,
you will be dead by Christmas.
- What's the good news?
- I lost 200 pounds on Ozempic!
[audience laughing, cheering]
[Achmed laughing]
- Say goodnight, Achmed.
- Happy holidays!
- It's Achmed, the dead t*rror1st.
- I'll k*ll you!
[audience cheering]
[Jeff] Thank you.
- [Achmed] Infidel!
- What?
- [Achmed] Infidel, come back!
- What?
[Achmed] I need you to
give this to Peanut!
Oh, okay. Yes, I will give
this to Peanut for you.
There we go. I will
give that to Peanut.
- Very nice. There we go.
- [audience laughing]
- All right, so I th...
- [expl*si*n]
[audience laughing]
[audience cheering]
[coughing]
Silence! I'll k*ll me!
And that's Achmed, the
dead, blown-up t*rror1st.
[audience cheering]
You guys have been
an awesome audience!
Thanks for coming out tonight!
We'll see you next time! Good night!
- [cheering]
- [upbeat rock music playing]
Thank you guys so much!
How about seeing my wife
and two little boys?
Here are Jack and
James. Come on, guys.
[audience cheering]
And my beautiful wife, Audrey
Murdick, ladies and gentlemen!
[audience cheering]
All right, happy holidays,
everybody! And Merry Christmas!
See you all next time!
Thanks, everybody! Good night!
[audience cheering]
[rock music version of "O
Come All Ye Faithful" playing]
- [beeping]
- [expl*si*n]
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Jeff Dunham's Scrooged-Up Holiday Special (2024)
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