28x05 - I Wanted Romance Not No Pants

[bunniefuu]

-[Averey] Jordan!
-[Jordan] This is the true story…

-I love you, Bird.
-[Jordan narrating] …of seven strangers…

-Let's do it.
-[Joi] Let's do it.

[Joi] …picked to live in a loft…

-Daisy!
-[Jordan] Stop pooping!

-[Averey] …work together…
-[Jordan] Dude!

-[Jessica] …and have their lives taped…
-[Averey] Ooh, ooh!

[Nia] …to find out what happens…

-[Jessica] I'm not talking to you anymore.
-[Marlon] …when people stop being polite…

[Anastasia] Boop! You're done.

[Johnny] …and start getting real.

-No!
-[Jessica] Sexy mama!

-[Averey] The Real World…
-[Jordan] …Portland!

-[upbeat music playing]
-[Johnny] Let's go.

[Marlon] I think this is really happening.

[Anastasia] Mm-hmm.

-[Marlon] I think it's really happening.
-[Anastasia] Mm-hmm.

Nia is actually going
to "huh-uh" Jordan's "huh-uh."

-[Jordan] That's what I thought.
-[Nia] Not what I thought.

-[Jordan] What's wrong?
-[Nia] I'm a vegan.

-[Jordan] All right. Next.
-[Nia] Are you sure?

-Will there be one?
-[Jordan] That's what I thought!

She ain't got the ba*ls.

I have--
I may have the ba*ls, but you don't.

-[Nia chuckles]
-[Jordan chuckles]

[Jordan] Anything else?

-Nah.
-[Jordan laughs]

[Nia] Good night.

Oh, my God.

I told you both this is what it is.

-Right, Daise?
-She couldn't even get it all the way up.

And she was talking about
[bleep] the skin off a [bleep].

I probably would have been like,
[mimics whooshing] "Ready to go!"

No, way. You can't give it up that easy.

If I'm getting [bleep] on, and she's hot,

-I'm ready to go though.
-[Jordan] Nope.

-I mean it's, pssht, done.
-[Jordan] Mm-mm.

-[Jordan] Mm-mm.
-Done.

[Johnny] Maybe that's what it was.

Maybe she was like,
"Well, he can't get a [bleep],

so we're gonna move on to Daisy."

I felt so bad for him, and I thought,
"Am I really gonna do this to this boy?"

And it's funny to me, 'cause like,
I'm not trying to, like, embarrass him.

I'm not trying to make him feel bad.
I'm just letting you guys know.

What man do you know
that's not just like,

"Let's go. What's up?"

Shwing!

I mean, [bleep] was like this.
It was like [bleep] this.

[all laugh]

I gotta go.
I gotta go out of this scumhole.

Dude, [bleep] me. I won't back down.

I thought it was [bleep] hilarious.

Who in the hell am I living with?

-Now Nia looks like a sl*t.
-Nia looks like a sl*t,

-and she's really not.
-And she's really not.

I did not [bleep] Jordan's [bleep].
Did I ever intend to? No.

Why can't you just sit down
and have a talk with him

and ask him why he is the way he is?

I don't regret what I did.

She was trying to get me
to b*tch out first.

-I feel like, in a sense, I won.
-She didn't come through.

Like, don't call me out
if you ain't gonna come through.

-Straight up.
-That's Nia. That's what happened tonight.

["Dreams and Fantasy" playing]

♪ Everybody starin', I'm like
What the what for? Yeah ♪

♪ You ain't never seen
A senior monster before, yeah ♪

♪ They get to trippin'
Every time we hit the door ♪

♪ What's wrong with everybody?
I think they want some more ♪

-How'd you sleep, my brother? [giggles]
-[Marlon] Awesome, actually. Really good.

After last night's situation,
Jordan doesn't know

what Nia's really thinking.
Jordan doesn't really know

if there's more to it now.
And I'm gonna have to say,

I'm gonna have to give one
to Nia for that.

I'm gonna have to give one for Nia.
Well played. Well played.

I don't think he understands
why you did it.

-He thinks you were really trying
-Thank you.

-to give him-- [makes licking noises]
-Really? Okay, good.

So that's what I wanted.

[Jordan] Last night's event, uh,
pretty epic. Nia tried to call me out,

tried to do the whole,
"embarrass me in front of everybody."

But, uh, I called her bluff.

♪ Around and around
And around this town ♪

♪ Where do we stop, baby?
And I don't know ♪

[Averey mumbles]

[Johnny] This is not fair! Daisy, really?

-Jordan acting all weird today?
-[Nia] Uh, he was trying not to.

Does he not know why you did it?

I don't know. I kind of felt bad
after I did it, 'cause I was like,

that's kind of like, um, his manhood.
But I just wanted to sh-- prove to him,

y'all, that's why he is the way he is.
Like, he has that inferiority complex,

'cause he has a little [bleep].
It's usually the case.

Ana and Jess
are just so affected by this boy.

And I've taken it upon myself
to prey on Jordan's weakness.

You should have just took his towel, like,

-when he was in the shower or something.
-[Nia] I know. I was so drunk, though.

-And it was just funny.
-I know.

[Nia] It was funny as hell
to me at the time.

This whole thing is just really strange.
I just feel like it was so over the top.

He's, like, really, like,
trying to act like it's not bothering him.

I know it is.

["Kickin' My Ball" playing]

♪ Tying up my laces ♪

♪ Kickin' my ball ♪

♪ Going different places ♪

♪ The world is so small ♪

♪ The world is so small! ♪

[Johnny] I had a sick dream last night.
It was like a zombie apocalypse dream.

Somehow, like, one person got in the house

and, like, they weren't supposed
to be in the house, so we were like,

-"Who let him in the house?"
-[Marlon] Yeah.

-[Averey] It was probably Jordan.
-That boy, man. That boy.

[Averey] Dude,
I told you on the first day, didn't I?

I said, "You'll see it,"
and you're like, "No, he's so nice."

-I'm like, "You'll see it."
-I know.

[Marlon] You definitely toned him down.

I just wanted to… Everyone to see it.
Like, see the… See it.

-I don't wanna see it.
-I will take your word for it.

[Nia] Compared to a French fry.

-[Averey] Get the [bleep] out of here.
-[Nia] I swear to God.

Come on. I'm glad I'm done eating.

Okay, now I have this vivid picture
in my head of Jordan's French fry p*nis.

I don't want to be thinking
of this right now. [chuckles]

I'm trying to eat my Monte Cristo.

[upbeat music playing]

-Come on, dude.
-Yeah, it's a date.

Don't ask for another thing
until Christmas.

It's not a date. This is not a date.

Is that it? Oh!

-[Jessica] This is very interesting.
-[Tyler laughs]

[Jessica] I didn't expect to meet
somebody out here in Portland,

so meeting Tyler
was a bit of a shock to me.

And I'm gaining that trust in myself
that I'm not gonna screw this up.

I'm not gonna do something to make him,
you know, run away.

What's the weirdest way
you've been ever been asked out on a date?

[Jessica] I don't know,
I've never been asked out weirdly.

[Tyler] Have you ever been asked to prom

in a crazy way or anything like that?
Uh-oh. Prom story.

I was the lame-o that went to prom
with-- almost by herself.

-[Tyler laughing]
-I like, seriously, had to beg this guy

that I could almost not stand.

It wasn't until recently
that I just woke up one day

and I was like,
"You know what? I'm a woman."

"I'm too old to feel this insecure,
I'm too old to wear cheap shoes

that hurt my feet,
and I'm way too damn old

to feel insecure about stupid people."

-[Tyler laughing] Yeah.
-So I was like, "Hey, y'all, hey!"

-[Jessica] I swear.
-Oh, that's funny.

♪ You and me together there ♪

♪ I could take the whole world on
With you, you, you, you ♪

♪ I could take the whole world
On with you ♪

[sighs]

-[Jessica] Can I admit something to you?
-[Anastasia] Yeah.

Tyler freaks me the hell out because one,
I haven't found anything wrong with him.

He loves sushi and he's intelligent
and he's funny and he's kind.

And he's spoiling me,
and that scares me more than anything.

[Anastasia] Why?
That should make you happy!

You know, I've been with the guys
that seem okay for a couple of months,

and then they turn into jerks.

I'm constantly running comparisons
between him and James

and, you know, I was happy with James.

I loved James.
I was comfortable, I felt good,

but a lot of the times I was sad,

because I was putting in more
in the relationship than he was.

It is completely normal
for you to feel like this,

because you're not used to it.

So don't let it, like, make you run.

[Marlon] Hey-oh!

If anybody else wants
to go to Dirty tonight, let me know.

-[Johnny] How long you going for?
-[Marlon] I'm thinking about 12:30-ish.

-[clicks tongue] Cut it, at the max.
-Do some flirting.

-[Johnny] I'll go.
-Do some flirting and head out.

[Marlon] Head out. Maybe bring one back,
you know, nothing crazy.

I am a little excited
to go out with the boys tonight.

I'm pumped to see what happens.

He's dressed up.
I'm just in jeans and like--

-Dressed up? I put on pants and a shirt.
-I'm in army shorts and he's in jeans--

-You-- You saw how long it took me.
-[Johnny] I got a Volcom t-shirt, bro.

You'll be all right.

[Averey] He said to me,
"I don't even wanna go out."

-I'm like, "You need to be a boy."
-Most girls would be like, "No! Just stay,

-stay with me forever, and ever."
-[Averey] "Stay with me!"

-I'm like, "Go, be a boy. Do boy things."
-[Nia] You're gonna be such a good wife.

["FLEX" playing]

♪ All my bad boys, all my bad boys ♪

♪ All my bad boys I want to see you… ♪

[Johnny] This girl comes up to me.
I'm talking to her,

and I end up dancing with her.

♪ I wanna dance close to you ♪

-♪ I wanna see you ♪
-♪ Flex ♪

♪ I wanna be friends with you ♪

♪ I wanna get close to you
Get to know you take you home ♪

-♪ But first I gotta see you ♪
-♪ Flex ♪

♪ All my bad boys, all my bad… ♪

Johnny knows what he has at home.

Bro, quality over quantity.

[Johnny]

[Jamie]

You can go away. I have a girlfriend.

Like, I have a girlfriend.
I'm not… You know, I don't need this.

Hey, we're just friends.

-Just friends.
-I can't do that.

-Just friends.
-I can't do that.

-Just friends.
-Can't do that. Can't do that.

Can't do that.

[Jamie]

Are you serious? These girls are crazy.

Can you give us a minute?

If we can dump them
before we get home,

then we're cool.
We're in the wind, we're good.

[upbeat music playing]

[Marlon] Don't even worry, dude.
I got this. We're good.

[Averey] Johnny, Jordan, and Marlon

bring home a bunch of girls,
and the first thing

that pops in my head is,

"Hmm, I wonder
what Johnny's gonna do in this situation."

Nothing else is running through my mind
besides "Get these girls out."

Here's the door. You have to get going.

[Marlon] That way, please.

Go upstairs right now,

and if she has questions,
I will explain everything.

-I was good as [bleep].
-[Marlon] I know.

-I think I'm in the dog house, but--
-Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Dude, it's not even--
No, it's nothing. It's nothing.

It's nothing, because I tried my hardest.
I literally tried my hardest to be, like…

Dude, I pushed off JD,
like, four or five times,

-maybe more.
-Easy.

[Johnny] And I stopped dancing with Jamie.

Then I started dancing with her friend.
Girl was like… [imitating house music]

He's not talking about--
They're talking about dancing with girls.

That is my fault
Straight up. That is my fault.

[Anastasia] Johnny is so paranoid

that Averey is going to think
that he was doing something wrong.

Averey, play it up for a second, please.

Please, please, please.
It will be so [bleep] funny.

Johnny, where the [bleep] are you?
Get your a*s up here now!

Dude, we gotta go. We gotta go.
No, no, no, no, no, stop it.

-We gotta go.
-[Jessica] Averey, fill this with water.

Now that we got our shots lined up.

We get this sneaky little idea
that we're going to put water

in the vodka bottle
and just pretend like we're taking shots.

-[upbeat music playing]
-[laughing]

I got your back. I got your back.

-I got your back.
-[Johnny] Shh.

-Hello, everyone.
-[Averey] How was your guys' night?

-Was it fun?
-It was a crazy night.

We had some clingers.

Want to take a shot? Look.

No, no, no,
we don't need any more alcohol.

-No more-- No, Averey.
-What the hell?

-Why are you chugging your life away?
-[Averey] Don't touch me.

-Whoa, whoa, whoa.
-No, no, no.

-[Jessica] Averey-- Back up, dude.
-What did I say? I said...

Huh?

I don't care what you say.
I'm a grown woman.

You don't have to tell me [bleep].

-[Johnny] Good.
-[Averey] Get your hands off me

-right now.
-No.

-[Averey] Right now.
-What did I do?

I don't want you to touch me.
Don't touch me.

[Marlon] Averey. No!

[Johnny] Don't [bleep] give her
that [bleep].

-No.
-Don't! [bleep], Jess.

-[Averey] Johnny, shut up.
-[Johnny] No.

-[Averey] Seriously?
-[Anastasia] What's wrong?

You shut the [bleep] up,
because I did nothing wrong.

-[all] Stop! Johnny!
-No, you [bleep] stop.

-[bleep]
-Johnny, stop it. We're--

[Anastasia] Johnny,
do you know what's in here?

-It's water.
-[Jessica] Oh, no!

-Johnny, come here.
-Johnny, it's water.

-Johnny, I'm kidding.
-[Anastasia] It's water, Johnny.

[Averey] Johnny, come here. Johnny.

Let's play a [bleep] joke on Johnny,
'cause he's [bleep] drunk. No.

-No.
-[Averey] It's--

-[bleep] you all.
-[Averey] Johnny.

-And you. No.
-[Averey gasps]

-It was a joke. I'm not really mad at you.
-Yeah, cool sick joke, Averey.

-[Johnny] Cool.
-[Averey] I wasn't even worried about you.

Johnny!

We play a little joke on him.

He gets all pissy and moany,
and then he wants to be a little baby.

[Averey]

I know you're not that drunk.

-[Johnny] Cool joke.
-Thank you.

Whatever. I'm not gonna deal with this.

So, this morning I wake up in my own bed.

Uh, it sucks. I hate it.
All I think about is now, all right,

got to fix [bleep] with her.

-[Johnny] Did I freak out?
-[Averey] Mm-hmm.

[Johnny] Hmm? Why?

-What'd I do?
-[Averey] No. You were just a jerk.

You're like,

It wasn't that--
No, you weren't even a jerk.

You were just whiny.

-Just bratty.
-[Johnny] I'm sorry.

[Averey] Don't you ever dare get mad at me
if I ever dance with another man.

And then you brought 'em home.

I didn't bring 'em home.
Marlon brought 'em home.

[Averey] Yeah,
but you were being a little b*tch.

I'm not mad.
I'm just a little aggravated at him.

I just don't like how he acted.

[telephone ringing]

-[Jenna] Hello?
-[Averey] Hi, J.

[Jenna] Hi.

So last night the boys bring home,

like, two, like,
really drunk girls, Jenna.

Like, I'm talking, like, faded.
And Ana, one of the girls she's like,

"Averey, you should act
like you're mad at Johnny."

[Jenna] Johnny didn't bring home girls,
did he?

-Yeah.
-[Jenna] He did?

-Yeah.
-[Jenna] What the hell?

Well, tell him I'm over him.

Hold on, you want to talk
to Johnny right now?

-'cause he's right here.
-[Jenna] Yeah.

Yeah, let me talk to Johnny right now.

[Averey] She got feisty.

-Hello?
-[Jenna] Hi.

-Hello, Jenna.
-[Jenna] I'm mad.

-You're mad?
-[Jenna] Yes.

-Yeah, makes two of us.
-[Jenna] Why did you do that?

-[Johnny] 'Cause I'm an idiot.
-[Jenna] Well, did you apologize to her?

I tried to, but I'm not,
like, good with apologies,

'cause apologies never matter.

Like, people are just like,
"Well, [bleep] you."

Like, "You did it. It's just over with.
So let's just forget about it."

[Jenna] I hope you learned your lesson,

and, if I ever hear about it again,
I will walk my a*s down to Portland myself

and rip your p*nis off.

Wh-- All right.

Um, I guess I'm not going
to do anything stupid again.

[Jenna] Good. Okay, well,
I'm gonna let you go.

-[Johnny] All right. Peace.
-[Averey] Pleasant conversation?

She said she was gonna come here
and rip my [bleep] off

-and then feed it to me.
-Oh. I miss that little twerp.

She made me feel better,
and she yelled at Johnny,

which made me feel a little better too.

[upbeat music playing]

-[Jessica] Hola.
-[Tyler] Yeah. Sweats. I dig it.

-I dig it.
-[Jessica chuckles]

[Marlon] Ah, Paul Bunyan.

[Jessica] Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God.
-[Marlon laughing]

-Oh, my God.
-[Marlon] That was awesome.

[Johnny] I just don't warn people anymore.

Oh. Averey!

[Johnny] Oh. That's not cool.

["Watching the Red Sun" playing]

♪ Let's do it all tonight ♪

[woman]

♪ When the morning comes
We still be looking ♪

♪ 'Cause I know I can show you ♪

♪ Whoa, get your body working ♪

♪ You never know your skin
Until you're feeling it ♪

♪ From the very start we feel all right ♪

I'm always happy,
but right now I'm not very happy.

-[Tyler] Why?
-'Cause. I can't tell you.

[Tyler] What? You can't tell me?

[Jessica] You really…
you don't want to know

-what I'm pissed off about right now.
-[Tyler] Try me. Just try me.

[Jessica] When I met you, it was too soon
for me to even see anybody.

-Yeah.
-[Jessica] Because I wasn't over--

Like, I didn't cope
with the [bleep] that my ex did.

-Yeah.
-[Jessica] I want to make sure

that Tyler knows
that I'm over James as a person,

but I'm not over the rejection
that I felt from James.

You're talking about your ex,
it's like, yeah, it sucks, but, you know,

it's real. It is real, you know.

[Jessica] Why are you so understanding?
[laughs]

-I don't know.
-[Jessica] If I was you,

-I'd be going out of my mind.
-[Tyler] I understand.

-Like, I've been there. I--
-Honest to God,

hearing you say you understand
while I sit here and talked about my ex

the whole [bleep] walk home,

is more, like, frustrating
than you actually saying

-"Hey--"
-[Tyler] Well, obviously I'm pissed.

Okay, obviously, like…
Obviously, I wouldn't want it that way.

Okay, I can respect that.

-Yes. Okay.
-[Jessica] You're human. It's okay to feel

a little pissed off
and angry and jealous--

-I'm not pissed off, but I'm just like--
-[Jessica] You just said you're pissed.

-Okay, maybe I am.
-[Jessica] Okay.

I can accept that better than you saying,
"Oh, I'm okay with it. It's okay."

It's not okay.

[Tyler] Hey, Daisy.

[Tyler]

-Wait, how do I see two of you?
-[Johnny laughing]

Wait, I'm not even kidding you.
I see two of you.

-I see two of you too.
-[Jessica] Paul, you're wasted.

I don't want him to drive.

-[Nia] No, that's really smart of you.
-So tell him, like, we have a couch.

Tyler needs to stay the night
because he's drinking.

I can't let him drive home.

But I can't let him stay
in my bed either.

Do you want to sleep on this couch,
or do you want the other one?

[Tyler] I'm down to sleep with you.

[Jessica] Okay, so
"No Boy In The Bed" policy.

Okay.

Daisy might sleep with you.

[upbeat music playing]

Why? Why would you go out

with this dude all night,
you go out and drink with him,

he comes back with you,

he's treated you well,
and then you put him on the couch?

That is… that is lame.

-I'm sorry. That is lame.
-Especially when he's 7'2".

[uplifting music playing]

[Jessica]

[rock music playing]

-Oh.
-All right then. Sorry.

[Johnny] Footlong, please.
Tuna and turkey, please.

Who said we wouldn't go on a date?

-No one?
-[Johnny] Yeah, look at us now.

I love that soup.

[Averey] I tasted Jess's last night,
and I was like, "Ooh."

[Johnny] Screw Jess.

-I'm still aggravated about that.
-[Averey] What?

I was like, "I don't sleep in my bed.
You can sleep in my bed."

Like, it's always open.
He was like, "No, dude. It's all good.

"I'm just gonna… I'm just gonna sleep…
sleep with my drunk a*s on the couch."

"I'm fine, bro."

Like, all depressed.
You could just tell he was depressed.

Like, you don't have to sleep with him.

Show him respect.
She's like, wishy-washy.

[Johnny] She's just so attention-needy.

A lot of the girls in the house are.

-[Johnny] How about you? I'm just kidding.
-No sex for two weeks.

[Johnny] Oh, [bleep].

[Jessica] Come on. Come on.

[Marlon] There's a bunch of 'em, yo.

I'm ready to hit the glacier.
I'm not sure about the girls.

Me and Jordan have a little
common grounding with snowboarding

and we really want to try
and plan a weekend trip.

Grenade is a huge snowboard company

based out of Portland,
so I've made contact

with the Grenade owner, Danny Kass.

[Danny] All right,
so we're gonna pick you guys up

-in the Grenade limo.
-[Johnny] Hell, yeah, that's sick.

[Danny] We're gonna go do
an overnight adventure

at the Windells camp,
and then we're gonna get on snow,

and by the end you all are gonna
be legitimate snowboarders.

-All right, thanks, Danny. Later, dude.
-[Danny] All right. Bye.

-[Johnny] That's kind of bad a*s.
-[uplifting music playing]

[Averey] Johnny, log out of your email.

[somber music playing]

[Averey] I was, like,
trying to get on my Gmail,

and there was an email
from a girl named Bridget.

In the email, you can kind of see,
like, the first message, like,

the first line, you know.
It was like "Hi, babe. I miss you."

"I'm glad you had so much fun."
I don't want to talk to him about it,

because it's not even worth it,
and I don't know if he's gonna lie to me.

Just kind of sucks knowing
that I'm not special again.

It's not a good feeling to know
that you're getting played a little bit.

And that's kind of how I feel.

I feel, like, stupid
and embarrassed at the same time.

Yup.

[upbeat music playing]

One pair of leggings.
No, two, 'cause I may ski in one.

And I may just want to wear one.

And then these jeans are gonna go
with that blazer.

You know,
you gotta prepare for everything.

When you're a jetsetter,
you know these things.

- A jetsetter? [laughs]
-[Anastacia] I'm so excited.

Dude. I want to know.

-Is it Danny Kass or not?
-[Johnny] Danny Kass, dude.

Said he'd be here with the limo at 2:30.

-[Anastasia] He's driving the limo.
-[Jessica] I'm pretty excited.

Gonna get all cute and ready

and be all fancy
'cause we're going in a limo.

Hooch and everything.
You look like a little meatball.

-Hottest meatball you've ever seen.
-I like pasta.

Pasta and meatballs.

[Marlon]

-[Jessica] I don't look like Snooki.
-[Johnny] Ooh.

[upbeat music playing]

[Averey] I got it! Coming.

-[Jordan chuckles]
-[Daisy barking]

-[Averey] Daisy!
-[Jordan] You're Danny Kass.

-[Danny] Yeah.
-[Jordan] Jordan.

He is one of the best pro snowboarders
in the world.

Multiple X Games medalist.

Marlon, Danny Kass.

-What's up, bro?
-Hi, I'm Danny.

-[Averey] Hi, guys.
-[Marlon] What's up, fellas?

-[Averey] I'm Averey.
-Dustin.

-[Averey] Dustin, nice to meet you.
-[Marlon] Dustin.

-Hi. Dingo.
-[Averey] Dingo, I love this.

Come on, Snooki.

[Jessica] I swear to God,
you call me Snooki one more time,

I'm gonna, like--

[Marlon] You're the one who wore the Uggs.

Why are y'all so concerned
about what I'm wearing?

-That's what I'd like to know.
-[man] Everybody in.

[Nia] Are you sure we're riding in a limo?

[Dingo] All right, let's go.

I do not see a limo sitting out front,
but an RV, a bachelor-padded RV.

-I'm a little bit worried.
-All right, next stop,

the funniest place on the planet.

-[Danny] Who's ready to go snowboarding?
-[Dingo] I'm ready!

I'm not saying anything to Johnny
about this email quite yet,

'cause I don't really know
how to approach it.

I'm kind of hoping
that he comes up to me about it.

♪ Wow, wow, wow ♪

Any board sport that attaches to my feet.
If it doesn't attach, I'm screwed.

I'll bounce. I'm resilient.

-[Johnny] Are you Brazilian?
-Resilient, not Brazilian.

I was like, that's a new topic of the day.

♪ Woah ♪

-Stop the RV right now.
-[Johnny] Oh, my God,

dude, I see so many places
I can break bones.

Windells, it's a very hot spot
for all the big-time pros in the summer.

♪ This is how we do it when we roll ♪

[Danny] This is where you get
your snowboards.

[Nia] Yeah.

[Danny] Hey, well,
let's load you guys up and get you guys

into your sleeping facilities
for this evening.

[Johnny] Quicker we're there,
the quicker we get to go play.

Where are we sleeping?

-[Marlon] We got gloves, yo.
-Oh, and there's plastic sheets, guys,

so, you can have as much fun
in here as you want.

-[Nia] They know. They know.
-[Jessica] Whoa!

Did you not hear the toilet going?

Oh, my God! Johnny's sitting in the toilet
in all his glory, just like, "What's up?"

[Nia]
Don't poop! Please, God, don't poop yet.

-Two turds.
-[Nia] I need to wash my face. Move.

[Anastasia]
Johnny, are you holding your nut sack?

I am. I always hold my nut sack.
Just because I can't hit the water well.

Door wide open.
I saw his junk, just everything.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

["Cray Button" playing]

♪ I will show you crazy ♪

[Averey] Mount Hood
is a magnificent feat of nature.

There's a glacier on the top,
so there's snow all year round,

and you can snowboard in July.

[Danny] You're gonna fall on your butt.
Your butt's made to fall on.

Don't try and, like, twist around
and stop yourself with your wrists, okay?

-All right. I'm gonna go first.
-[Danny] Here we go. We got her up.

[Nia] All right. All right.

♪ Here goes nothing
Watch me hit the cray button ♪

Whoa!

[screams, laughs]

♪ Cray ♪

♪ Cray ♪

[Anastasia screams, laughs]

-[Nia pants]
-[Danny] Smoke break?

[Jordan] Smoke break.

[man] Do you want me
to carry your board down?

[Nia] Yes.

Nia goes through one fall,
and then quit.

I'm sure she found a bar somewhere.

[Nia] I'm getting a drink. [sighs]

It's her best sport.

♪ Put your vibes in the sky
You can feel it ♪

[Danny] Now it's time
you gotta take a photo with me, okay?

[Jessica] Sweet. I'm cool with that.

♪ Three, two, one detonation ♪

[Jessica] Whoo! Sweet.

[snores]

[Jessica laughs]

[Danny] You used your toe edge that time.
Yeah, 'cause you were in front of me.

[Jessica]

[Danny]

-[Jessica screams]
-[uplifting music playing]

So, Danny asked me
to snow-dance with him.

And apparently snow-dancing
is the best way to teach a beginner.

[Danny] One, two, three, cha, cha, cha.

[Jessica] I'm not sure
if Danny's genuinely wanting to teach me

or if Danny's trying to flirt with me.

[Danny]

Yeah. The dance isn't working, so…

[Danny]

[Jessica laughing]

Spin 'em in.

We just got to the Brightwood Tavern.

It's like a little log cabin
in the middle of the boonies

and a bunch of locals,
so I'm just looking to have fun.

Nia, where you at?

[indistinct chatter]

[Johnny]

[Johnny] You wanna go streaking?
I will go streaking.

[Anastasia]
Johnny, I will give you 20 dollars.

[Johnny] Twenty dollars for me
to streak through the bar?

-[Anastasia] Yeah.
-[Marlon] Whoa. Bro.

I'm thinking in my head,
"Please, don't do this."

"Please, don't do this."

[cheers]

-No.
-[Johnny laughing maniacally]

[Johnny laughing maniacally]

[all screaming and laughing]

-[Johnny cheers]
-[Nia squeals]

[Marlon]

[Averey]

[Johnny]

[Johnny]

-[Marlon] It's the whiskey.
-[Averey] There are two things

that are bothering me at this moment.
One is Johnny streaking in the bar.

Two is the email.

[Averey] I don't care. I'm just saying
don't have double standards.

So if I do it, don't get mad.

If I were to streak,
you cannot get mad at me.

'cause, if you can do it,
why the [bleep] can't I do it?

That's what I think.

[Averey]

[Johnny] Oh, my God.

-I'm back in the dog house again, dude?
-No, I just don't want to be touched.

I'll come down here
and hang out with Nia.

Shouldn't have streaked.

Was like, "Ah, damn.
Now he's all over the place."

His little junk
is not my little junk anymore.

Everyone knows what I'm working with.

This is, I mean,
the second day in a row now.

This is the biggest relationship tip

I can give you, you can either be right

or you can be happy.

[upbeat music playing]

[Danny] Check this out.
There's a cool motorcycle skeleton.

Johnny is not coming up
to me at all about this email.

If I keep holding it in, holding it in,
I'm gonna explode, and it's just not fun.

So the ride home,
I don't talk to Johnny really.

[Averey]

-[Dustin] What?
-[Averey] Yeah, you heard me.

[Dustin]

-Fake or real?
-Fake.

[Danny] Who's the best booty shaker
in the house?

-[Marlon] Averey can make it clap.
-[Averey] I used to work at a strip club.

My first time I stripped
was when I was 18,

and I stripped for my prom dress.

It was, like, topless, fully nude.

You stripped for your prom dress?

It was Genie in a Bottle.
That was the first song I danced to.

For me it was more like,
you concentrate on your goal,

you do what you're supposed to do,
and you get your prom dress.

To this day, it's still beautiful.
I'd get married in that dress.

[indistinct chatter]

Averey's playing games,
telling another man her business

and then throwing it in Johnny's face.

I'm sure there's a little
flirtatious thing going on.

-I'm losing Averey, and I don't want that.
-You're looking cute.

Get outta here.

[Danny] All right, kids, you're home.

[Johnny] I been sleeping, okay, Mom?

I got shin splints like none other, yo.

-Did you write "Blood Diamond"?
-No.

I'll just write mine on
the bottom half and rip it off.

[Dustin]

-Thanks, guys.
-[Danny] You're welcome.

Y'all are awesome.

[truck horn honks]

["Glow" playing]

♪ Yeah, all you do is glow, oh, oh
How can I show ♪

♪ How much I love your shine
All you do is glow ♪

[Nia] Oh, who got flowers? [gasps]

[Jessica] He said,
"Hope this is cheesy enough

to make you smile. Miss you. Tyler."

-[Nia] He's a rare breed, dude.
-[Jessica] I agree.

[Nia] I'm gonna arrange this marriage
before you leave Portland.

[Jessica] Getting flowers from Tyler,
it's cute,

and that makes me feel
that Tyler really does like me.

Lord, please give me a Tyler.
Preferably, uh, dark skin.

With a ten-inch p*nis.

[upbeat music playing]

[Nia]

[woman] Hey, Marlon.

-[Marlon] Done?
-[woman] Yeah.

All right.

-I'll see you tomorrow.
-Take care, buddy.

-[man] Are you guys leaving?
-[Johnny] Yes.

Elliot, nice meeting you, bro.

-[Jordan] Come on, Johnny.
-Johnny, come on.

I am cold!

"Someone [bleep] me."

Yeah, good comment, dude. Good comment.

Johnny is just drunk
and isn't really hearing me.

I'm cold.
I need someone to rub my leg.

-[Jordan] I'm walking.
-Go ahead, go ahead.

["New Escape" playing]

♪ Get me out
I don't want anything to do with you ♪

♪ A new escape
I need to find a new way out of here ♪

♪ Before I break
I think I'm gonna lose it ♪

♪ Gonna lose it ♪

[Nia] You just met Averey, dude,

like, and you know Averey's past.
You know who she used to be.

Are you really mad about the fact

that she was having
that bull [bleep] conversation in the bus

-with Danny Kass's little entourage?
-[Johnny] Little perspective.

I'm dead [bleep] honest,
'cause I saw your face

-during the thing.
-Little perspective, Nia.

-[Nia] Yes.
-[Johnny] She stands on the sidewalk,

saying, "I just want to go home.
Someone [bleep] me."

So that wasn't directed at you?

[Johnny] How am I supposed to sit
here 200 yards away…

-Where's our house?
-…and listen to her drunk a*s

say, "Someone [bleep] me"?
Not Johnny, someone.

-I want to go confront Averey--
-I want to fight back.

--about my issue.

I don't want to confront Nia,
'cause Nia's not Averey.

I want to confront Averey
about my issue. In your face.

[Nia] Johnny!

-[Nia] Come here.
-[Johnny] Is Averey home?

-Jordan?
-[Jordan] I don't know.

[Johnny blows raspberry]

[Johnny] Hello.

[Averey] Get off of me, dude.
Like, go away.

First of all, just go
the [bleep] away from me.

[Johnny] What did I do?

[Averey]

Go away.

[Johnny] I hope you remember
this in the morning.

Okay, I will. I'm not drunk.
I took a pedicab home.

Like I'm… I want to go to bed, I'm tired.

I'm hurt. My knee's [bleep] throbbing.
I just want to lay down.

[Johnny] It's unbelievable.

[gentle music playing]

[Jessica] Some people lean too far
forward and toe-edge it

and fall on their face.
I did eat snow a couple of times.

Yeah, I just made sure,
I'm like, fall on your butt, Nia,

and don't use your wrist to stop you.

-Dude, I'm gonna need a full-body rubdown.
-[Nia] Call Tyler.

[Jessica] He'd do it,
but I don't really feel like… What?

Tyler's the kind of,
you know, guy that you marry

and start a life with, and quite frankly
I'm just not ready for that.

I just want to be single
and have girlfriends

that come over on Saturdays

and drink mimosas
and eat some French pastries

and talk about how big our asses are.

And I want to join a book club
and read a book of the week.

You are the most romance novel b*tch
I ever met in my life. [chuckles]

I wish I met him before you,
'cause I wouldn't even be--

-I'd be bouncing on that [bleep] now.
-I'm scared, Nia.

[Nia] Well, when was--
How many times have you been scared?

Just do it.
So I'm being honest with you.

End of the day,
he's never gonna hurt you.

So you have that insurance, basically.

-[Jessica] That's what's scary.
-Girl, you want too much.

You asking for way too much, dude.

-[Jessica groans]
-[Nia] I would jump off this balcony

for that right now, honey.
Go with the flow.

[mid-tempo music playing]

Johnny's apparently mad at me for nothing,
'cause he was drunk.

Um, Johnny and I are not even talking.
I'm very disappointed in him.

Okay, real talk, how long
are you gonna be mad at me?

-[Johnny] Forever and ever.
-[Averey] And ever?

-[Johnny] Yeah.
-[Averey] Makes sense.

[Averey]

-Nah.
-[Averey] You're gonna be a brat.

-Yup.
-I think that's very childish of you.

[Johnny] I know.

I don't know. You just say stupid things,
and they piss me off.

Like what?

-Like, "Someone [bleep] me."
-Someone love me, please.

-[Averey] I didn't say that.
-[chuckles]

Well, I'm sorry, and I apologize.
But I don't remember saying that.

Don't worry about it. You were drunk.

I do stupid things when I'm drunk.
You do stupid things when you're drunk.

[gentle music playing]

This email,
I have to get it off, like, my chest.

I just… I can't… I can't hold it in.

So, how does your girlfriend
back home feel about this?

[Averey]

[Johnny]
I don't have a girlfriend, Averey.

-Where is this coming from?
-[Averey] Emails.

[Johnny]
Dude, you were talked about in the emails.

I guess Averey saw my email
to my friend Bridget.

Bridget's just a very close friend
from home.

The way Bridget talks is like,
"Hey, babe. Love you. Xoxo."

It's, like, kind of really girly stuff.

I wish you'd read the emails,
so you could see what they actually say.

[Averey] What do they say? "Hey, babe."

[Johnny] How scared I was
after I [bleep] up that night.

And I was like,
"I don't know what to do."

-[Averey] You said that?
-[Johnny] Yep.

There's no girlfriend, dude.
You're the most important girl in my life.

-Daisy looks like she's worried too.
-[Averey chuckles]

I did need to talk to Johnny.

A little bit more maybe,
but it's hard for me.

'Cause I've never done that before.

This is what you do to duke it out?
Daisy, help!

This is how you help me?

-[Johnny] Get her, Daise.
-[Averey] Daisy!

♪ Stand still ♪

♪ I'm dying to tell you ♪

[Tyler] How are your feet doing?

♪ I finally made my move
Now you make yours ♪

[Jessica] Having Tyler around
really shows me

that the relationship
I had before with somebody

wasn't what it should have been.

-So I'm kinda damaged.
-[Tyler] Almost there. One block.

-I can carry you.
-[Jessica screams, laughs]

I think I'm going to relinquish
my "No Boy In The Bed" policy,

'cause I'd like to cuddle with Ty, so…

shh.

I'm breaking
my "No Boy In The Bed" policy,

letting him sleep in my bed.

You're good.
He's not gonna try anything stupid.

[Johnny] That's what you think.

-[Jessica] Johnny?
-This is a really uncomfortable poop.

-[laughs]
-[Johnny whimpers]

[Jessica] There you are.

["Oh My My" playing]

♪ And oh, my, my, oh, my, my
We'll take to the hillside ♪

♪ Wait for the world to find us ♪

♪ 'Cause all my mind is on you ♪

[Tyler]

Everybody walking by is like, oh, hey--

-[Johnny] Girl talk.
-Anything with boobs.

And it's open? Those are free?

Yeah, they're free. Look at that picture.

Porn's pretty cool. Oh, my God.
There's n*pples on it. Oh, my God.

-And she's a cyclops.
-And she's a cyclops.

-And a cartoon.
-With bat ears.

She has bat ears. Look at that.

All right, the Portland Mercury

with a cyclops female
with nip slips happening.

-[Marlon] Exactly. Like--
-Portland in a nutshell.

-[Marlon] In a nutshell, dude.
-[all] Keep it weird.

-I'm keeping this.
-[Johnny] Keep it weird.

[Jessica] There is more of The Real World
on the way, and it starts right now.