- Fabian cranks the f*cking
engine of the Hangman,
the strands of web attached to the bike.
Gorgug grabs Riz under one arm
adding extra weight to the jump up,
boom!
You guys leap from here.
Bam!
- Oh, dope.
- Into the f*cking acid!
- So dope!
- The living dwarves turn to face you.
The ruby deep beneath the factory glows
and you hear—
Bursting up with you on his back—
- Oh my God!
- What the f*ck?
- What the f*ck?
- Bursting forward,
an ancient demon of flame and fire.
Fig?
- Daddy?
- Brennan?
- Yeah?
- My goal today?
- Yeah?
- Is to make your life a living hell.
- Hey, dude?
- Yeah, man—
- Give me your f*cking best, dude.
- Yeah, Brennan.
- f*ck you, man.
- We just wanna go eat ice
cream and go to the library.
- You can't avoid what you don't know
you're trying to miss,
you know what I mean?
I am around you, I'm in here.
I am—
- Dude, I spent the
last five days studying.
- I cast Wave Sickness on the DM.
- Uh, the DM f*cking accepts
and f*ck' barfs f*cking
monsters out at you,
you know what I mean, dude?
I mean I'm ready, baby!
Hello and welcome back to Fantasy High,
and my name is Brennan Lee Mulligan.
These are our intrepid heroes.
Say hi, intrepid heroes!
- Hi, intrepid heroes!
- No!
Guys, we're having such a great time.
Last left our intrepid
heroes, they were back
at the Durinson Mithril Factory
having released Gorthalax the Insatiable
from deep within the
bowels of the old mines.
Gorthalax turned out to be Fig's dad.
- Daddy!
- Woo!
- So good to be back.
- Did we have some business to wrap up
at the mithril factory last we left off?
- I just wanted to make sure the dwarf
that we made unconscious didn't die
since they are just a bunch of kids.
Right?
- Mmm.
- I think they took 'em away, didn't they?
- You saw Torek Railgrinder
raise her ax and shield
and fully heal that dwarf.
As they skate away, you
see their backpacks.
These kids are from Oakshield.
Meaning they're middle school kids.
- They're middle school kids.
- They're middle school kids.
- We almost got dunked on so badly
by a bunch of middle school kids.
- We did get dunked on so bad.
- No, but we dunked on them.
- Well, even needing to dunk
against a middle schooler
means that we got dunked on.
- Yeah.
- There are no almost dunks.
We dunked.
- No.
- You ever dunked on like a little goal?
- No one died, they all skated away?
- Uh, you dropped, well, the
golem is very much destroyed,
but whether it was ever living
and can be said to have died is a matter
of kind of arcane cosmology.
- He didn't.
- It's easier for my brain, he didn't die.
- He died.
- But the dwarves all made it out.
- Okay, so there's no extra
skateboards lying around
that I could snag.
- You do not see any extra skateboards.
- Can I do a search check to double check?
- Go ahead and make an investigate check.
- Ooh, b*tch.
Uh, that's gonna be 19.
- Uh, 19?
So you're just like snoopin' around
lookin' for an extra deck,
and your f*cking long lost father is like,
"Hey, uh,
"you lookin' for anything?
"I think we said we were gonna
get some ice cream, right?"
- Yes, that was the plan.
- Let's do that.
- "All right, let's do it, huh?"
- Um, I link arms with my daddy.
- You link arms with your daddy.
He sort of looks down at the enormous arm,
smiles down with this
weird skull demon face.
Um, you see he goes,
"By the dark powers of the
nine realms of the pit,
"I transport us."
A fiery pentagram covers
the ground underneath you,
and whoosh, you appear in
the parking lot of Basrar's!
- My dad is so metal.
- h*, wow!
- "Rad, all right!
"Well, you guys fire away,
and just whatever you like,
"get whatever you like!"
- I like grab Kirsten
to the back of the group
as we're walking in and I'm like,
this is bad, right?
- I don't know anymore.
- Okay, I know that you're going through
an existential crisis, but—
- Then I talked to the devil.
- Yeah, and—
- In fire.
- That's good?
Is that good?
- But it wasn't this devil.
- It was a different devil?
Well, I mean, there are
many gods and many devils.
- Yeah, you're right, but
also, this might not be good.
He seems kinda weird.
- Yeah, I just, I don't know, it's weird.
- Yeah.
- I mean I'm still gonna
take the ice cream.
- Yeah, same.
- I've created a minor illusion.
I've cast a minor illusion on my shirt
so now it says, "Daddy's little demon."
- I feel like no one I know
actually uses the word daddy
as much as I'm hearing it used.
- No, I—
- It's a sex thing, right?
Like, I don't know.
- Why don't you make my shirt say,
"Her daddy's little demon?"
- Does, uh, Gorthalax still have the rat?
- Yes, he is holding
this small little rat.
He goes, "Hey, do you
wanna hold onto this?"
- Yeah.
- "Here you go."
- "Little squeaky guy.
"Look at him."
- Aw, cute!
- So you guys go in there,
he like crawls in through
the door and stomps over.
Basrar comes over,
sort of a little icy whirlwind genie
in this soda fountain clerk outfit.
He goes, "Ah, I see that your
wish for ice cream later has,
"unless you do not wish to
use that wish at this point."
- Actually, we don't need to use it
because my dad will be paying.
- Thank God.
- "Oh, sure, yeah, absolutely.
"You guys file in, and I got it,
"the whole thing's on
Gorthalax, so that's fine."
You are lead over to like a big, round,
cushy red booth over at the corner.
Gorthalax looks up, and you can see,
everyone make an insight check.
- Uh, 20, not nat.
- 23.
- 27.
- Five.
- I got a 12.
- So insightful.
- He might be your dad!
- Here's the thing, Gorgug.
You know important this moment is for Fig,
so you would never want
to like steal her thunder
or rain on your parade.
It seems pretty likely that—
Gorthalax is probably also your dad.
- My dad?
- What did you roll?
- Five.
- Um, you got a 27 and you got a 23?
You guys are looking at
Gorthalax sitting next to Fig,
and you see his body language is such
that his knees are kind of
drawn up, his giant hooves,
he's like trying not to hit anything.
His wings are kind of
folded up behind him,
he's like tied up his whip on his belt
of this weird, furry loin
cloth with human skulls on it.
And you see that he looks
extremely bashful and kind of shy,
like he's trying to make as
good an impression as possible.
Uh, and just looks very,
you see he keeps looking over
at Fig and kind of smiling,
and seems kind of also very jarred
from having been trapped in a
ruby for some amount of years,
and being free.
He looks down at Fig and says,
"So wow, so these are your pals.
"Tell me all about it.
"How's adventuring academy and all that?"
- Oh, it's cool.
Um, I'm taking a lot of barbarian classes,
um, so—
- "Great! That's great.
"You should be well rounded,
"I mean, you're young."
- I'm a barbarian, and I just, uh,
just thought I'd interject here,
and I haven't been able
to stop thinking about it
for the past few minutes, but
I think I should address it.
- Gorgug, please.
- Gorgug.
- Are you my dad?
- Gorgug, you gotta stop—
- Are you my sister and are you my dad?
- I'm so sorry, sir, this is—
- We're all thinking it,
we're all wondering—
- None of us thinking—
- You're thinking that.
- Fig is really great, uh—
- Fig starts crying, and she's like,
my little family is growing.
- Fig, do not encourage him!
Fig, don't encourage this.
- We're gonna take a TO,
we're gonna take a time out, so—
- Are you my papa?
- I, hey, here's the thing.
Uh, I think probably
if I were your dad,
you would have probably sprouted horns
or shown some kind of infernal legacy.
That doesn't mean that
I'm not proud of you,
and it doesn't mean that
I don't think it's great
that you really,
you guys kicked a*s in that battle.
I mean, good job, kiddo.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- That's very sweet of you.
- Yeah, that's really nice.
- Hey—
- Gorgug has dinky parents.
- Oh, they're so cute, I love his parents.
I love your parents so much.
- I didn't mean like that.
- Just to explain why he's
kind of hung up on this.
Sorry, I didn't mean
that as like an insult.
- This might seem crazy,
but I've always felt like family
isn't purely limited to blood.
You sort of choose your family.
- Yeah, it's like
everyone else who believes
in the same same god you do.
- Adaine just has one tear.
- Just like scrolling down her face.
- Um, so that's wild.
So you guys, how did you find me?
That's crazy.
- So we,
you shoulda seen us in this other fight,
I was driving a corvette.
We have all the time in the world,
I'm sure you'll hear about it.
Um, but we, you know, we k*lled—
- Can I message to Fig
to say I don't think we should tell him
about the palimpsest?
- Yeah, you hear Adaine,
go ahead and make a slight of hand
to conceal this from Gorthalax.
- A four.
- You see Gorthalax
stops suddenly and says,
"Um, I don't,
"the last thing I want to be is rude.
"I heard your message,
"I can kind of smell magic.
"I'm made out of kind of
raw extra-planar energy."
- And I'm made from that.
- "I don't think it's fair for me
"to act on what I heard 'cause
it was said in confidence,
"but I also want to be just forthcoming
"and just say that I heard it."
- I'm, I'm sorry.
- Hey, guys, you're not in any trouble.
You're fine, you're all fine.
Uh,
so sh**t me straight here.
What's goin' on?
Why did you guys come
and get me out of there?
Why were you comin' to
the mithril factory?
- We've got—
- Who put you in that ruby?
- Who put me in the ruby?
- That's a good question.
- You know what?
We should seek revenge
on whoever put my dad
in a precious gem!
- Well, if you wanna
go kick this guy's a*s,
his name's Arthur Aguefort.
- Oh!
- What?
- Well.
- He actually kicked his own a*s.
- Yeah.
- Interesting.
- I mean, there's a way to view it
as we actually k*lled Arthur Aguefort.
- Yeah, I did sneak
him into heaven though,
but that was—
- Sorry?
- That was really quick.
- He committed suicide so that we might,
two of us actually died.
Uh, who was it?
Kristen died,
and Gorgug died.
- I died.
- And Arthur produced the last phoenix egg
and k*lled another man and himself
that they might live again.
- Wait a second, so Arthur
Aguefort is responsible
for the fact that I grew
up without a father.
- Wow.
- I should say in his defense,
I kinda went buck wild.
- Who doesn't, dad?
- What do you mean, buck wild?
- What kind of buck wild?
- You see Basrar brings over
a bunch of sundaes and milkshakes.
Gorthalax says, "By the way,
"if you guys want to
get like real food, too,
"I don't know if you had dinner.
"I probably shouldn't
just get y'all ice cream."
- Can I get some nuts?
- Yeah, let's get some nuts.
Probably I think—
- Just some extra nuts,
and then that's my dinner.
Protein!
- Oh, God.
- My people survived in the desert
with just a few nuts
raining down from heaven.
- No, we understand.
- Okay, we'll get some nuts, that's good.
Uh, so, uh, you see that
Basrar brings over—
- Everything in my religion is sexual.
- Yeah, we get it, mm-hmm.
- Gorthalax
looks over and says,
"All right, we'll do a
little flashback here.
"So I used to be, uh,
"an angel, all right?
"I was Gorthio,
"the seraph of eating the
right amount of food."
- Oh, wow.
- "When I fell from grace,
"I became Gorthalax the Insatiable."
- Oh, wow.
- Very specific angel name.
- Yeah.
- You were the angel of eating
the right amount of food?
- Did you just eat a
lot of Think Thin bars?
- Wait, so you're a fallen—
- Fallen angel.
- What are other angel names?
- What is the right amount of food?
- Yeah.
- Is there, uh—
- Based on the person,
it's not a calorie thing.
It's just based on the person.
Because obviously,
you're not eating enough,
that's not great.
- Uh-huh.
- You're eating too much,
that's not great either.
And it's not just for personal reasons,
it's for sort of community, right?
You know, food can be scarce and—
- Thank you.
- Honestly, I think you did
the right thing falling.
Being insatiable is way cooler.
- With Sol and Helio in heaven?
- I was an angel of Sol, yeah.
- Whoa, isn't he lame?
I met him and he sucked!
- Did you meet Sol or Helio?
- I met Helio.
- Yeah, that guy sucks!
- Wait, so Sol doesn't suck?
- He's a turd.
- Sol's a hard guy to read.
Uh, you know, sun god,
you can't really look right at him.
- Yeah.
- Even you can't?
- No. And certainly not now.
But even back in the day,
if you were gonna go into his office,
you'd kind of have to, you know—
- That's in the Holy Book of Grain.
A bunch of people seen
him, and they leave,
and there's a big, you
know, floating black dot
where they tried to look at Helio.
- Exactly, yeah, 100%.
Um, yeah, I fell from grace
during the sort of reign of Kalvaxas,
and this is like a couple centuries ago,
and I landed over in, uh, where I was,
the Durinson Mithril Factory.
So about 15 years ago,
dwarves did what dwarves do,
they delved too greedily and too deep,
and I basically sprung out,
and I kinda went, uh,
I don't know, I kind of, you know,
I was dealing with some stuff at the time.
I hadn't really processed
my feelings about falling,
and, uh,
I went, uh,
I went ham, you know?
- What kind of stuff?
- Hm?
- What kind of stuff were you doing?
- m*rder. I was doing an
incredible amount of m*rder.
- Okay.
- Whoa.
- Just like straight up m*rder?
Like ritual k*lling or like—
- No, not ritual k*lling.
Just sort of going to town, you know.
- I'm sure you had your reasons.
- Whoa, Fig, you have
m*rder*r's blood in you.
- Yeah, that's fair.
- That sounds awesome.
I'm even more metal.
- You look scared.
- What were you insatiable for?
m*rder?
Or food?
- Uh, food, m*rder, kind of all of it.
- Just excess.
- Excess in general.
- Okay.
- Oh, this is too
much ice cream for all of us.
Oh.
- Well, I actually, if you want to know,
you see that he lifts the
ice cream to his mouth,
and as it gets close to his mouth,
the fire in the back
of his mouth heats up,
and all the ice cream
melts and evaporates.
And he goes, "So it's
kind of like insatiable
"in that like I can't—"
- Ohh!
- Oh, it's in-satiable.
- In-satiable.
- That's funny, that's well thought.
I like that, it's funny.
- Don't worry, Dad, I can figure out a way
to get you to eat finally.
- Kiddo, that's very sweet.
- I'm on it.
- This is so rad, what is this, kid?
This jacket rules.
This is awesome.
- This is Johnny Spells' jacket.
- Oh, that turd.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- For sure—
- After we k*lled him and
took it as a spoil of w*r.
- That f*ck' rules.
- Thank you.
- That's awesome.
- Uh, so I busted out of there.
I kind of made for the Mountains of Chaos,
and on the way out of Solas,
I met, uh, Sandra Lynn.
I met your mom.
- Did you guys hit it off?
'Cause I kind of hate her these days,
so I'm like, what did you even see in her?
- You know, kiddo, um,
I don't think that any of
your feelings are wrong,
but I think that something
that happens sometimes
when a parent is absent
is that the people that
you're with every day,
they get the brunt of
those feelings of sadness,
right, that you're experiencing.
And I think probably I deserve
at least a part of that,
but it's only 'cause I wasn't around
that I get all this extra credit
that I really haven't earned.
Your mom worked her a*s off,
and, um, I don't wanna tell
you your feelings are wrong,
but I'm not super
comfortable talking poorly
about the woman who, after all,
brought you into the world and raised you.
- Holy sh*t, he's such a nice devil.
- It's like is he demon?
- It's crazy.
- It's f*cking crazy, I—
- I hear everything you're saying.
And I realize now
that I have completely mistreated Gilear.
- The lunch lad?
- Yeah, Gilear the lunch lad.
- Oh!
- That's my—
- Oh, right.
- Oh, your step-dad.
- My step-dad, or I don't
know what we are anymore.
- Uh, Mr. The Insatiable?
- Mm-hmm?
- Do you mind me asking, uh,
why it was that you were
trapped in the ruby?
- I made for the border,
Sandra Lynn caught me.
I didn't, to be honest,
I didn't know she was married at the time.
- I thought—
- But we had a really powerful connection
that felt special,
and, um, when I kind of was—
- Did you have sex?
- Where do you think I came from?
- You can't ask if people had—
- Okay, I'm sorry!
What was it like?
- Stop!
- Hm?
- Stop!
- What?
- I definitely don't wanna hear
about what my dad's sex is like.
- Though, I do, you know what?
Actually, I am interested,
you're like seven feet tall and a demon.
- Okay, everyone stop talking
about sex with my dad.
- Oh!
- Okay, sorry!
- He just put everything into words—
- Here's the thing,
guys, I'm gonna be real
with you all right now.
- I don't like this energy at all.
- If you want to talk,
if you guys haven't had the talk,
I'll give you the talk.
- I didn't have the talk.
- Wait a second!
- This is awesome!
This is what dads and their daughters—
- This is definitely what dads, daughters,
and their five close friends do
in an ice cream shop in public.
- Was the talk for everyone else
the hand counts as sex
and you need to save
yourself for marriage?
- No.
- Not that part.
- First of all, I would
say that sex is any time
two people are expressing
love for each other
in a way that feels intimate, right?
Sex doesn't have to involve your genitals.
Some people have sex that
don't even have them.
There's certain elementals
and other creatures
that aren't biological.
- Can you have sex by accident then?
- By accident?
Um—
- Have I had sex with an elemental?
- I don't think I'll ever understand sex.
- I would hope that you would know.
- Why are we talking about, this is gross!
- Can I see how the rat is
kind of reacting to him?
I want to give a nod over to Gorthalax,
and do we know the rat's name?
- Go ahead and make a
little investigate check.
- Okay.
Uh, that's going to be a lot.
Where's, why do I not see?
Oh, uh, 23.
- You look back over your notes
from your first couple days at school
and catch the name Edgar
that you wrote down as
the name of the rat.
Gorthalax goes, "Well, okay,
"if this is a little
uncomfortable, I get that.
"But here's what I'd say now.
"I, to kind of give you guys the timeline,
"uh, Johnny Spells started comin' around
"the Durinson Mithril
Factory couple years ago,
"maybe two or three years
ago, somethin' like that.
"And, um, first, when he got there,
"all he was really doin'
was just goin' there
"to sort of dance his feelings out.
"You know, it was like a
big, abandoned factory,
"and he would kinda go, and
you know, post up on a wall,
"and kind of hit it rhythmically,
"and then he'd kind of
take his jacket off—"
- Did he ever swing around on a chain?
- Swing around on a chain, and
kind of slide on his knees.
- Did he drink like
maybe one half of a beer?
- Yeah, half of a beer, and
then he would kind of smash it,
and he would kind of like
skip, knee way up high,
snapping and kind of sort of charging down
like a long thing.
- Wow, did he ever pretend to like weld,
so that the sparks were flying up at him?
- That's basically all he did.
There's a bunch of stuff in that factory
that's not goin' anywhere 'cause
it's welded to other stuff
that it has no business being welded to.
- Did he bring girls up there?
- No, he didn't.
Part of the deal I made with him
was that he couldn't do
any kind of sex stuff.
I kinda got the immediate vibe
that this guy was a creep,
and was sort of just a bit I was doing
that I thought was funny.
Then I was like what if I made this dude
not even be able to jerk off?
You know.
- Wow.
- Or he can't—
- Can't imagine what
that life would be like.
That would be weird, f*ck' weirdo.
- Have you never explored
your body, Kristen?
- No.
- Holy sh*t.
- Can you not, you're not
allowed to ask young girls—
- One time with a corn cob!
- Ugh.
- Can I ask another question
instead of dealing with this?
- Hey, TO, g*ng.
- Yeah.
- Why are we shaming Kristen
for something that's,
again, perfectly natural.
- I love this guy!
- Are you starting a religion?
- I do technically, kind of
my deal is I do buy souls,
so if you wanted to sell your soul
for powers—
- Nope, Kristen.
- Kristen, it's my dad,
I can vouch for him.
- Don't do it.
- He's legit.
- Gorthalax, can we get
a TO from you real quick?
- Yes, agreed.
- I would like to TO your TO
and bring it back to the body talk.
- I'm gonna go outside,
I'm gonna go outside, I'm
gonna have a quick cigarette.
I haven't lit up in—
- Oh, I've got some Cloves,
hand rolled, if you want any.
- Cloves?
- Hand-rolled Cloves?
- He takes it and says, "You know what?
"I haven't smoked a Clove
since I was, what, 3000?
"Yeah, I'll give it a shot, that's crazy."
- I don't think anyone who smokes Cloves
knows how to hand roll anything.
That is the entry-level cigarette.
- Gorthalax goes outside.
- Can I as he's going outside
do an arcana check on him?
- Sure, go for it.
- I'm just gonna stare out the
window while he's out there.
Like a cat whose owner has just left.
- Everyone needs to stop
telling the demon everything.
- The demon?
- Well, I'm sorry.
- I was trying to message her incognito.
- No, I'm not, I'm
talking about the people
who were telling him everything—
- Oh, about the suicides?
- About trying to make
him your patron devil.
- I don't know—
- Yeah, you definitely don't
want to become a warlock.
- Do you guys not think
about these things?
Like what happens to us when
we die, why are we here?
- Sometimes you go to hell!
- Yeah, if you die,
you're gonna go to hell,
and while you're alive,
you have to sacrifice
something great in your life.
Like, Johnny Spells had to sacrifice
ever having an orgasm I guess?
- That's not very different from my life!
- No, but he wouldn't take
that from you, he would take—
- If you think about it, your
text asks you to sacrifice.
You make so many
sacrifices for the corn god
based off of some stupid book,
so if my dad just asked
you to give up chocolate,
what's the difference?
- It's not gonna be chocolate.
- It's gonna be like friends or something.
- No.
- I got a question.
- Guys, okay, I don't
know what he can hear.
He seems very powerful, he seems like
maybe he can hear us right now,
so I'm gonna write a little note,
and then I'm gonna show you guys.
And then I wanna show
them to like remember
that there was like a fallen angel
that was part of the
evidence the first day
when we got into a fight in the cafeteria.
- Mm-hmm.
- So just something to keep in mind
while we all become best friends.
- Oh, you're right, we
should do this more often.
- Can I throw that piece
of paper up in the air
and then cast fire bolt on it?
- Burns up.
You guys see Gorthalax comes back in,
he kind of sits bashfully
down at the table.
He says, "Uh, listen.
"You'd have to be pretty
thick to not recognize
"that you're kinda making
people uncomfortable,
"and I just wanna say
there's no hard feelings,
"I get it.
"I come from the deepest
pit of hell, and I—"
- Oh, we're not uncomfortable, we're fine.
- Can I just, can I do a sense motive,
or is it just insight?
- Insight, yeah.
- Okay.
- Let me just try again.
Okay, I got a 10.
- He seems like he's just talking,
he seems a pretty relaxed guy.
You see he goes,
"Uh, Kristen?"
- Mm-hmm.
- "I appreciate that you're
having a crisis of faith.
"I had the same thing, it's why I fell.
"I don't think I'm a great choice for you.
"Fundamentally, what I do now,
"going around and collecting
the souls of the wicked,
"is a part of a larger bureaucracy.
"The truth is that heaven and
hell aren't really opposed.
"Heaven rewards the just,
hell punishes the wicked.
"That's kind of two
sides of the same scheme.
"It's like two different
offices in the same company.
"You know what I mean?
"So I don't think you
would find the answers
"you're looking for with me.
"The truth is that 90% of the time,
"heaven and hell are kind of
working towards the same end.
"Mostly what I do when I go around—"
- I think she's good, I
think she's doin' well.
- You okay?
- I'm fine! Keep going!
- She's good, she's good.
- I just, I think something
in my brain popped,
but I'm still listening,
please keep going.
- I don't, all I'm saying is this.
- Can I have one of those cigarettes?
- Yeah, there. I rolled them.
- Gorthalax lights one up with his thumb.
Basically, what I do when I
collect souls is I go around,
there's wicked people in the world,
and a lot of wicked people
live in very comfortable countries
and have very boring lives,
so they go through their whole life
and kinda backdoor their way into heaven.
Does that make sense?
- Uh-huh.
- They were bad the whole time,
but they were just comfortable,
and they never had a shot
to do something wicked.
So what devils like me do
is kinda just give people
a shot to show their true
colors, you know what I mean?
Think like the harmless guy at the bar
who's just got a big mouth
and everyone's like, oh, that guy's crank,
you know, he's harmless?
Well, if he was prime minister,
he'd be a f*ck' w*r criminal, right?
He'd be a monster.
So a lot of what I want to do is
when we go and offer power and temptation,
what we're doing is kind of
stress testing the system,
making sure the people, you know—
- Do you think there's,
how many fallen angels do you
think there are in our town?
- In the town?
- Are there a lot?
- It's just me, I'm the only one here.
- Oh, wow, cool.
So it's all your job then.
- Let's turn it to you guys.
What is it you guys are after?
It feels like you guys
are on some kind of tip
or you guys have some
kind of mission goin' on.
- We're just tryin' to
fill the day, you know.
- Yeah, The Ball, what have
we been up to recently?
- You know, we've, uh,
we got dunked on by some
Oakshield Middle Schoolers,
so we went to the warehouse to rumble.
- Make a deception check.
- Oh, boy, boy, oh boy.
Five.
Is this guy my dad?
- He looks at you and says,
"You have no reason to trust me.
"I get it.
"However, Johnny Spells' jacket,
"Johnny Spells' motorcycle,
"Zayn Darkshadow's rat.
"You guys are after some sh*t.
"I knew what Johnny Spells was up to.
"That kid was my vassal, I owned his soul.
"If you guys have questions,
I could answer them."
- Was he responsible for the corn cuties?
- Corn what?
- We were attacked by corn,
it's my dad, I trust him.
We were attacked by corn.
Someone cursed a vat of corn,
and that corn had assholes
out of which more corn came.
Pretty straightforward, you understand.
- We got into the, we took sort of a step
in the middle of the process
to a whole corn conversation
that I'm not really party to.
- What do you know about Johnny Spells
besides that he dances?
You told us that,
we know for a fact that
he hung out with girls,
so why are you telling us that he
didn't hang out with girls?
- I know he started
hanging out with girls.
Um, there was, okay.
He says, "I got sealed in that ruby.
"Johnny came around, I was stuck there,
"and I basically thought, f*ck it,
"I'm trapped in a ruby,
let's have some fun.
"And I was like, sure,
kid, sell me your soul.
"He was so easy,
"he was desperate to sell
his soul to somebody.
"Said gimme your soul—"
- Loser.
- No, yeah, well, okay.
No f*ck',
and, um, he started doin' crimes.
He got his little Tiefling
greaser g*ng together,
and it was all kinda going well for him
until some job went south.
He was stickin' up a bank in Bastion City.
Somethin' went wrong with the job,
I guess it was more intense
than he thought it was gonna be,
and he got into the Harvestmen.
They owned him somehow.
- What are the Harvestmen?
- Anyone that wishes to
may make a religion check.
- I'll do that for sure.
20.
Not a nat 20.
- Hell, yeah.
Kristen, you know the Harvestmen.
The Harvestmen are a scary fanatical sect
of followers of Helio.
The Harvestmen are basically,
they're not demonic or infernal,
they believe themselves to
be true followers of Helio,
but they traffic in
infernal and demonic magic
because they are trying to
bring about the apocalypse.
So they're this hyper conservative,
radical, militant sect—
- Yeah, yeah.
- And they're trying to
bring about the apocalypse
because they fundamentally
believe that heaven will win
and that this world is wicked,
and that when children
are born into this world,
it's just damning more souls to hell.
So they want to bring
about the end of the world.
- Got it.
Oh, the Harvestmen.
I went to the Harvest Festival growing up.
- God.
- It's awesome.
It was just 20 hours of lectures, and—
- Is this what you tell us?
Out of all that info you just learned,
we just hear Harvest Festival?
- There's like no other part to it?
- Yeah, the Harvestmen are awesome, guys.
- What?
- No, seriously!
- The Harvestmen, you go there,
you learn so much because
you have to stay awake
for 20 hours while they're talking to you.
There's a pop quiz, and if you pass,
you get to go to bed for two hours.
But if you don't, you have to clean.
- That sounds really bad, Kristen.
- These men owned Johnny Spells?
Just a bunch of people who
run essentially a conference?
- Like a summer camp?
- You see he goes, "Kristen,
"you gotta know, the men
that were teaching you,
"they were all wearing scarecrow masks
"over their face, right?"
- Yeah.
They're really eccentric, like,
they really believe—
- They're a hardcore cult.
They are a militant, violent organization
of religious fanatics.
- What?
- Do they ever try to trap
people or sacrifice people?
- Well, they try to bring
about the apocalypse basically,
so the Harvestmen got Johnny Spells.
Somehow he lost his contract,
I don't know how the hell that happened
because he was careful with that thing,
and the Harvestmen are kind of dummies,
so I don't know how they
got their hands on it, but—
- Zayn Darkshadow had it.
- Zayn was a stooge for the Harvestmen.
Here's the thing, the Harvestmen are,
exactly.
The Harvestmen are all around.
They're like business leaders,
they're in the community,
they're—
- Is it like a secret society?
- Yeah.
- I think we've got one at Aguefort.
- Oh, you guys just need to know
the handshake for the Harvestmen.
- You know the Harvestmen handshake?
That's wild!
- Yeah!
- Will you teach it to all of us?
- Uh, I'm not supposed to,
but I'm also not supposed to
eat this much sugar.
- You see Gorthalax says,
"The Harvestmen are really radical
"here in Solace especially.
"Solace used to be a human country.
"Well, actually, originally
it was a halfling country,
"but then humans came in and conquered it,
"but then it became Solace,
"and the charter and the
Council of the Chosen,
"it was human before that.
"The Harvestmen are radical
"human separatist religious fanatics
"who have a lot of roots in
high court and stuff like that.
"Zayn Darkshadow was an
intermediary for them
"because who the hell would trust Zayn?
"No parents, no family,
hangs out at a graveyard.
"Completely dismissible
and if it ever came down
"to someone believing a
community leader or Zayn,
"who would believe Zayn?
"He was kind of a patsy for them
"to do a lot of their work
"when they couldn't show their faces.
"So I don't know how
they had sway over Zayn.
"Somebody must have had some
kind of point of access to him
"to flip him and turn him
into that sort of go between.
"But point being,
"Johnny got into the Harvestmen big time.
"Again, something with
that bank, I don't know."
- You guys remember the bank
we saw on the way to the—
- Just that cool bank?
- I said we should go into that.
- I was trying to check out the bank!
- I said we should, too.
- Well, half the time you're asking
random people if they're your dad.
You were right one time.
- I'm starting to think maybe I thought
the Harvestmen were good,
but they weren't.
- That seems right, yeah.
- Just your description
of the Harvest Festival
sounds like horror.
- My parents are kind of into it.
I mean, they are really intense,
but I just thought it was
like good natured, you know.
I'm, yeah.
- I'm really sorry that you're,
this is extremely painful for
me to watch, what's happening.
- I just, uh, was raised in a
pressure cooker for no reason,
god just put me in it.
- What?
- We have gotta table
that, and I'm so sorry.
- Maybe god didn't put you there,
maybe it's just random.
- That's actually
true, it is random.
- I barf chocolate syrup
all over Fabian's leg.
- I didn't do that, I didn't
cast the spell, it was—
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- In any case, the main thing was this.
- Yeah, sorry.
- The stuff that Johnny
started comin' to me for,
'cause he said, "Can you
help get me out of it?"
And I was like I don't know, dude,
you f*cked up and got into the Harvestmen,
that's on you.
He started running a
couple things for them.
This tea he started running for them,
and that was to handle Aguefort I think,
which I wasn't gonna say no to,
'cause, you know, f*ck that guy.
- So someone else wanted Aguefort dead,
it wasn't even you.
- No, I gave Johnny his powers.
And then I know he was
doing those palimpsests,
but I never knew what those were for.
- Hmm.
- He says, "And the last thing was
"this one thing he needed
from me which was this page.
"Um—"
- Hm?
- Did you—
- What?
- You had a reaction.
- You audibly gasped.
- A page of what?
- A page of what, sorry?
- Look,
the Harvestmen want the apocalypse,
so what they were trying
to do was to create
a hellmouth, right?
Just start the apocalypse,
get things going.
I gave them a page that
would be able to do that.
There's two ways to create a hellmouth.
You can either do it with a portal, right,
but then you need find sort of a portal
that has the religious
iconography to get you to hell,
and you still need a
portal key to open it,
so it's kind of a hassle.
Or you can open a hellmouth
inside of a person,
and that's what Johnny
Spells asked me for.
So I gave him a page to create
a hellmouth in a person.
The odds of that starting
the apocalypse are very low,
'cause you put a hellmouth
in just the average person,
yeah, some demonic sh*t's gonna happen,
but, um, the person would have to have
sort of a direct connection to Sol
for that to actually create a hellmouth
powerful enough to trigger Armageddon.
- And what happens if
you personally k*lled
that person that had a
hellmouth opened inside of them?
- With a ladle.
- Shh!
Hypothetically.
- Um, I mean you did
it, and job well done.
You shut the hellmouth.
Did you k*ll someone with a ladle?
- Yeah, she hit her in
the head so hard that—
- You guys are hiding
so much stuff from me.
- And you're really giving
us a lot of great advice.
- I'm sorry, you don't get to
come at us about that, right?
We don't have to tell you anything, sir.
- At all.
- Hey, everyone needs to stop speaking
to my dad like this!
- I really appreciate you, sir.
- That's okay, I appreciate you guys—
- You think if you get a second after this
you could give me a book list of things
you think I might like?
- Sure, um, I feel like the Necronomicon's
a great place to start.
- Do not take this man's recommendations.
- This man is my dad.
- I know this man is your dad.
- The Book of the Fallen.
- Uh, the Gospel of Hate.
Um, you can do the, uh,
the Red Book of Fiends is pretty good.
- Do you know, as far as the
other way to make a hellmouth,
it's a place that just has
a portal is what you need?
- Yeah, portals are naturally
occurring everywhere,
but because they're only
activated by a portal key,
most people miss them.
Portal to hell would be something
that had to do with religious iconography
or had some kind of connection
to the lower planes.
- Can I ask do you know
if Elmville has a portal?
- Well, it has a bunch,
but I don't necessarily have them to hell.
Portals are naturally occurring kind of—
- How does one find a portal?
- To hell.
- You can use detect magic to find one,
there's a couple sort of regular spells
that are pretty useful you can use.
- Is there one right here?
I cast detect magic.
- Um, you look around.
Uh, yes, there is a portal.
There is a portal at the base
of Basrar's little tornado
that goes to the elemental plane of ice.
- This was here the whole time?
It's just a portal, right?
Is that where he's storing the ice cream?
That's cool.
- He's a genie!
Um, yeah.
The, uh,
he says,
"Why, did you guys interact
with this page in any way?"
- It was in the big thing of
corn that tried to k*ll us.
- I think it touched my bible.
- Oh, I held it.
I picked it up and held it and read it.
- We destroyed it.
- We did destroy it, though.
- Okay, well—
- Do I have a hellmouth inside of me?
- Um, that's a good question.
You look deep into the third
eye of this devil from hell
and see endless torment awaiting you
for all your dark, black magic.
And you see he goes—
Good, I don't see in
anything in there that's,
for the most part, you seem good.
'Cause, you know,
you were touching it, but you know,
these things only have a
certain amount of power,
you understand.
If this thing was already
possessing a number of beings,
what did it end up possessing?
- Oh, there was—
- It was a lunch lady.
- Only a little piece of paper,
there might have been more of it.
- Then the corn—
- One page, not a huge piece of paper.
- We found it then.
We found it and we neutralized it.
- Wait, this is off topic,
but I have an important question that—
- Don't ask if he's your dad.
- He's not your dad.
- That's not what I was gonna ask!
That's not what I was gonna ask.
- I'll smack you.
- Now I feel
like I have to ask that.
No,
I just feel like you're the only person
I can really ask this, but when I died,
I went into this weird dark place
where a tree had a leaf fall
and then it cut my hand.
Um, what, is that just hell?
- A tree with a leaf cut your hand?
- Yeah, it was like a
dark forest or something.
- Oh, no, that sounds
like a Forest of Blades.
Those appear all over on Atron.
You went to orc heaven.
- That was heaven?
- Orcs are f*cked up.
- But I thought the guidance
counselor went there.
He wasn't an orc.
- He was there.
Maybe he was just taggin' me out?
- It's possible that
your guidance counselor
worshiped Gruumsh One Eye.
- He became a monster,
and he started like getting mad,
and becoming demon-like.
- Maybe he was entering rage.
- A lot of those sort of quiet nice guys
have a lot of f*cked up sh*t
that they never kinda let out.
- Ain't that the truth.
- You were saying about this bank—
- Yeah.
- I grew up in religion.
- What is up with the
cool bank?
That Gorgug really likes.
- It's not a cool bank.
- It's just a bank.
- It was kind of a cool bank.
- There weren't any lollypops
or pens that we could take.
- It was a sleek kind of cool.
- I'm starting to feel guilty,
'cause we're not trusting
him, but we're grilling him,
and we're getting a ton of answers.
- I think we pretty much
trust him at this point.
- I'm personally pretty offended
by how you're all treating him.
- I love your dad.
- Honestly, that's fine.
- Your dad is a giant
demon man, I'm sorry—
- I want to correct you
because you're speaking
from a place of ignorance.
I'm a devil.
- All right, fantastic.
- Even worse, all right?
- Hang on a second, your dad's a pirate,
and we're not rude about that.
- Well, no, he's not a pirate,
he's a privateer.
Please call him a privateer, thank you.
- Uh, what's up with this bank?
- Uh, it was intense.
He went in,
they had like a policy
where there were like no pens or anything
that they gave away.
- We are well aware.
- Oh, yeah.
- But he went into rob them,
and he went up thinkin', you know,
they're gonna press the button,
there's gonna be the
b*llet proof kinda glass.
He went up, got his spells ready,
every single teller took out a crossbow
and opened fire on him,
and they f*ck' slogged it out.
It was the most militarily competent bank
that's sort of ever been.
He got jacked up.
- Self-protected bank.
- Do you know what's in that bank?
- I got nothin', I don't know.
I don't really deal with money,
I've been in a gem for a long time.
Were you what the page was for?
- I mean that's—
- It seems like it.
- I mean, yes, didn't Zayn
push you down that day?
- Yeah, someone bumped into me.
That other bully guy.
Who's that as*h*le?
- Wait, Zayn did bump into you.
- Yeah.
- Zayn pushed you down.
- He did.
- Darkshadow?
- And then that other guy threw your bible
into the soup, right?
- Zayn pushed me down,
which might have been we
added the page into my bible,
and then someone else threw
my bible into the corn.
I think that's how this all started.
- Why was Zayn working with the, wait, no,
why were the jocks working with Zayn?
- Well, I don't think that, because I mean
it seems like you said
that the page needs—
- Maybe he was trying
to make me the portal!
- Yes.
- Oh.
- I think Zayn tried
to make you the portal.
- That would have been awesome.
- That would have been bad.
- I know, I'm just in a
bad mood for god right now.
- That, I get it, but that would be
what in the church is called
perditional contradoxy.
- Yeah.
- Right.
- Do you know what that is,
or did you just say right?
- I just wanted to, no.
- You don't have to talk.
- Lemme try again.
- You might know what that is!
- I have 14.
- Uh, you don't know what it is.
Anyone here can make a
history or a religion—
- Oh, I have good history.
Oh, a nat one!
- Hoo hoo!
- I only got a 12.
- Mm, a four.
- I got the highest is what I'm hearing.
- I'll do it, try and impress dad.
Hoo, I got a 20!
- 20? Cool.
Yeah, you've heard the term—
- Ah, perditional orso-doxy.
- He says, "Perditional
contradoxy is a religious
"article of faith that basically says
"someone who's been promised for heaven,
"someone who has been chosen for the light
"is condemned to hell.
"When that happens it proves Sol a liar,
"and it creates a cataclysm
within the faith."
- Totally.
- A perditional controdoxy is a huge deal.
That's an apocalypse-creating thing.
- So that page that you made was supposed
to doom someone to hell.
- Me!
'Cause I'm preordained.
We believe in predestination at my church.
- Why did you create that paper?
- Wait, Lunch Lady Doreen is in hell?
- Yeah.
Do you know, Dad, that
a really nice person
went to hell because of you?
- No, because of me!
- No, you just k*lled her
and put her out of her misery
of being in hell on earth
and just in hell in hell.
- I have a question.
- Earth isn't hell.
- Did the person, is
the page still intact?
- No.
- Then I doubt she's in hell.
- Ah, okay.
- Okay.
- Cool.
- Ah, I hope she's servin' soup in heaven.
- Or maybe she's enjoying
her hobby or something.
Maybe she doesn't—
- No, I got the vibe she
really loved her job.
Yeah.
Just wearin' that golden
hairnet in the sky.
- You guys seem like
you got a lot goin' on.
Um—
- No.
I have all the time in the world.
- I'm gonna leave you guys to it.
- Breakfast tomorrow?
- Yeah. Yeah.
You know, why don't we get
breakfast tomorrow before school?
You know, do me a favor,
tell your mom, tell Gil, um—
- Gilear?
- Gilear, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I am so happy.
- Me, too.
I'm definitely gonna invite Gilear
because we go to school together
because he's the —
- He's the lunch lad?
- He's the lunch lad.
- He's the lunch lad.
- Oh, that's great.
It's good to be working,
I mean, a job's a job.
There's nothin', if you're
working, you deserve respect.
You deserve dignity if you're—
- Workin' on somethin' other
that yogurt.
- It's true, he's—
- I don't catch that
reference, but I do wanna
wish you guys have a good night.
I'm gonna take off 'cause
I gotta kinda check in,
I haven't checked in in
hell for, you know, years,
so I imagine that my infernal realm
is kinda probably
chopped up at this point.
- Wait, you're going to hell?
I'll come.
- You know, why don't you hang tight,
and I just wanna make sure
that stuff is good down there,
and then I'll hop back up,
I'll see you for breakfast tomorrow.
- Okay.
- All right, sweetie.
- Real quick,
um, we're just gonna go out of earshot
of you guys for one second.
It's just, you know—
- Weird.
- It's fine.
- Okay.
Did you know that I existed?
- Yeah, I did.
- Then why didn't you
ever have Johnny Spells
like come get me or something?
You had a person on the outside
that you were controlling.
- Before your horns came in,
I thought you'd have a better life
if you never knew about me.
- And then once they came in,
why not then?
- Well—
- You musta caught whiff
that my parents got divorced.
- Sweetie, let's talk about
about this another time.
- Okay.
- All right.
Fire.
- Okay, about this rat.
- Yes.
- We shoulda asked about the rat.
- Uh, what is the rat doing?
Does he like hate us?
- Rats are pretty smart, right?
- Yeah.
- Can I use a ritual to
cast comprehend languages
and try and talk to the rat?
- Uh, I believe speak with animals
is a separate, different spell.
- Which I do not have,
I didn't think that
that is a wizard spell.
- Do we know anyone?
- Can I cast detect thoughts on him?
- Sure.
You're gonna cast detect
thoughts on the rat?
- Yeah, we'll probably go
to bed after this, right?
- Just rat sounds.
- Yeah, we'll probably
go to bed.
Yeah, we'll probably go to bed after this.
- And probably do more
stuff with your dad.
- Uh, you see that the
rat is, in Riz's hand,
the rat is thinking, "Oh boy,
"I better find some cheese soon!"
- Was it worth it?
- I make a minor illusion of cheese
and hold it in front of him.
- Wow! Look at that!
A whole buncha cheese!
Ah, this cheese ain't too good!
It just tastes like nothin'!
Also, it doesn't feel
like it has any weight
or substance to it.
- What's it saying?
- Yeah, Fig, what's happening?
- I don't think anyone's trapped in there
unless it's a cheesemonger.
There could be a cheesemonger
trapped in there.
- Can you do detect magic on the rat?
- Oh yeah, can I cast
detect magic on the rat?
- Sure, it's definitely Zayn's familiar.
- But there's nothing—
- That's why I did detect thoughts,
'cause if someone was trapped in there,
I'd be able to hear their thoughts.
- But there's nothing else.
- I mean, it feels like we've discovered,
the Harvestmen generally seem to be—
- The problem.
- Yes.
- Something with the bank, too.
We could check out that bank.
Edgar.
Can you nod if you saw Zayn get m*rder*d?
- Uh, you're still reading the
rat's thoughts and it says,
"Oh, boy, I sure did.
"That was the worst time ever."
- Keep asking.
- Who k*lled Zayn?
- Um, it was a tall man,
and he had a scarecrow mask on his face!
- Ohh.
- Any more questions?
- Was there anyone else there
besides the scarecrow mask guy?
- Um, wait, maybe ask
about who wants to get him.
What are the owls?
- Yeah, why are owls after you?
- Ask if Zayn has ever been to the bank.
- "Owls are after me?"
Takes off into the ice cream shop.
- No!
- I was gonna give him real cheese.
- I wanna investigate and find him.
Come here, you little rat.
19.
- I got a 22.
- You guys find the rat
hiding under a bar stool.
You see Basrar comes over.
My friends, you have let a vermin loose—
- Oh no, it's not a vermin, it's a pet.
- It's a familiar, Basrar.
- Okay.
Edgar pops up into your hand.
- Thank you, Edgar.
They're not after, they're magic.
They're not here.
We keep them away.
We got them to leave last time,
so you stick with us and you'll be safe.
Do you know of any magic owls?
- You see he says, "Hm, I don't know,
"but I do know the last thing Zayn did
"was he went and got
my cage and let me out,
"so that I didn't get chopped up!"
- Was it out of love for you
or was it because you have some value?
- Who can truly know what
lives in the heart of another?
- Wow.
- It seems that this
rat is just a rat, so—
- Edgar, where was it
that you went to last
with Zayn before he died?
Did you go somewhere
with him before he died?
- I was in his pocket,
and he went to a loud place
where he danced a bunch,
and then he turned in-bisible,
and we ran out.
- In-bisible.
- In-bisible.
- So cute.
- You, uh, thing.
- The time, whenever, uh,
God, I can't believe I'm
talking to a f*cking rat.
Whenever you and Zayn would meet,
did you and Zayn go to a place
to meet with these scarecrow men?
- Um, yeah the scarecrow man,
well, there was somebody he would talk to
at the big school with
all the other kids around.
And—
- Who, was it the coach?
- Do you know Porter the Barbarian?
- He says, "Um,
"the coach.
"Somebody with a hat
"and he always had sweatpants
on, and a whistle."
- That would be a coach.
- Yep.
- What?
- Yes, little rat man.
- What?
- Um, I ask Basrar, Basrar,
do you have any cheese here?
Or a cheesecake ice cream, or—
- A cheesecake ice cream I can do.
I can't make regular cheese.
- And that's okay.
You're still a really good genie.
- Yeah, we
really appreciate you.
- This is the best ice cream
store I've ever been to.
- We consider you a friend.
- I need to go in the back room!
- You guys, I have a crazy idea.
- Why is he so sad?
- 'Cause he's a genie, and he can only—
- He's living on a thread.
- He can only grant ice cream wishes.
- But we love ice cream!
- You guys, I think I might try
to join the Harvestmen.
- I mean, could you do that much lying?
- I could join the Harvestmen.
- No, I already have an in.
They already seen me,
I've been to their festivals.
Like, granted, it's the gateway festivals
where they try to recruit
people young, I can tell.
- But I'm assuming you're
not going to actually
join the Harvestmen, right?
You're just going to get
the information we need—
- Well, I'll need to join—
- I think we're getting ahead
of ourselves a little bit.
I think we should just go home,
go to sleep, come back to school,
and maybe check out,
you can talk to coach?
I don't know about joining—
- That's what I'm saying
is I express interest
to join the Harvestmen to
Coach Daybreak tomorrow
and see where it goes from there.
- Okay.
- Your guys' crystals all light up
with a note from Biz Glitterdew.
- Oh, damn.
- Uh, it says, "So sorry guys,
"don't think I can be the hacker anymore."
Then there is a picture
of Biz in a hospital bed
completely in traction,
covered in bandages and blood.
- We gotta get to the hospital.
- Ask him if he still has the palimpsest.
- No, I think we just,
I'm walkin' out the door,
I'm goin' to the hospital.
We got someone into the hospital?
- We don't want them to see us
at the hospital visiting him.
- We can go stealth around the hospital.
- We should sneak
into the hospital—
- I'm not gonna get a
text like that, yeah.
I'll disguise myself as a
pre-med student.
- What?
- Why don't you guys go
and then I don't have
to go to see Biz at the hospital?
I don't think I need to go.
- Does anybody, should some of us go
to the hospital and see what's up?
- Yeah, I mean, it shouldn't be all of us.
- Why don't we all go so that
we have everybody within—
- Not everyone has to go inside.
- Right, let's go to the hospital.
I can sneak with you,
and you can be dressed as
a med student or something.
- Yeah.
I'll just do like regular,
I'll use my regular disguise kit
and just put on some doctor's scrubs.
- There are always like religious books
in the hospital book store
'cause that's where everyone
decides to come to god,
so I'm gonna see if
there's a Harvestmen book
and just start reading so I
can sound really in the know.
- Uh, cool.
You guys head to the hospital,
go ahead and give me your disguise check.
- Okay.
Would it be deception?
- Um, actually, I would say performance.
- God dammit.
16.
- Cool!
You throw on a disguise as,
what, a pre-med student?
- I think I'm gonna be like a resident.
I'm like doing the rounds.
So I look like really tired
'cause I've been working too long.
- Uh, rad.
You do this whole full disguise kit—
- Oh, boy, I've been up too long.
It's medically dangerous.
- I believe also with the actor feat
you get advantage on those checks?
- Yeah. Oh, yeah, that's true.
Let's see, maybe it's even better.
Nope, we're going with the first one.
- You're just making the rounds,
you're in the bookshop of the hospital.
You see there's a clerk there.
Hi, can I help you find something?
- Hi, yeah, um, you know what?
I am looking for something about god.
What do you got?
- We have a lot of, um,
sort of narcotics and alcohol pamphlets.
- Naw, you know, I'm
thinking more like, um,
you know, the Harvestmen.
Have you heard of that sect?
- Oh, Jesus.
- Yeah, in the news.
That's a radical cult.
We don't really carry a
ton of their literature
here in the hospital.
- Oh, that's so interesting.
- Ah, that's so interesting
'cause I grew up with
those books in my house.
Um—
Okay, then I'll just take, uh—
- She's gonna call the
security guard on you.
- What does this book cost?
- That's my phone
directory for the hospital,
so I'm just gonna hang onto that.
Do you wanna get some
water and just sit down?
- Yes.
- Okay, I'm gonna go get you some water.
- Thank you, I'm going through a lot.
My mom is dead.
- Okay, I'm so sorry.
Do you need me to call someone?
- No.
'Cause it would be her.
- I'm gonna go get you some water.
- You guys, I'm blowing it!
Is there anyone who can help me?
- You lie a lot.
- I froze!
- You guys, I was raised
in a radical world
that I thought was normal!
- Hey, I think that that is true
of every single one of us.
- Okay, all right, yeah, fair.
- Uh, you make the residency, um,
let's see.
I'm gonna roll to see if
something good or bad happens.
- Can I sneak or can she, can you like—
- Oh, the face.
The face happened.
- Sure. What's up?
- I want to sneak around like by her
so if anything I can goes
wrong I can be like—
- How 'bout I put you in,
can I put him in a wheelchair
and be like, oh, comin'
through, comin' through!
- I think my deception would
be worse than just hiding.
- Cool, go ahead and
give me that stealth check.
- 23.
- Um, you are invisible in
the shadows of this hospital.
You're walkin' around
doing this resident thing,
you get really into it.
- Anyone got some coffee?
I am tired.
And overworked.
- I'm just like—
- All being tired,
no doctor specific stuff.
- You see that an older—
- I need three CC's of coffee!
- You see that an older half-orc woman
rushes up to you in a lab coat,
grabs your arm and says, "Dr. Keller,
"We have an emergency!
"We need to go to the
operating room right now!"
- Cool, I'm warning you, I'm really tired.
I'm a resident, overworked.
- A man is gonna die!
He has mummy rot!
It's critical, right now!
- Okay, I'm in!
- You are rushed into a room,
you see that there is a
man strapped to a table
just completely like racked
open, going,
and his stomach is a roiling mass of sand
that's just pulsing blood
up out of his torso,
and the sand seems to be saying,
"Awakened from ancient slumber,
"I rise to consume the
world of the living!"
Dr. Keller, thank God you're here! Please!
And you see that a scalpel
goes into your hand.
- Um, my hands aren't even clean yet!
And I go over and I wash my hands.
While I'm there, I look at my spell—
- God dammit, doctor,
we don't have the time!
- Okay!
Um, I cast—
I cast, uh, sleep on the demon
that's coming out of his stomach.
- Uh, okay.
Um,
you cast sleep.
You see that the sand face
swallows the spell energy up, going, "Yes!
"The energy of the ancient pyramids!
"I rise once more."
Hoo! And a sand arm
shoots out of the stomach.
See that the guy says,
"I'm telling you, I don't have insurance!"
You see that the doctor says,
"Dr. Keller, we need to operate now
"or we're gonna lose him!"
- Okay, I'll operate!
- I need you to make a
medicine check for me.
- Oh, no!
- Oh my god.
- 12!
- Uh, you see that you jab
your scalpel into the sand.
I'm gonna need you to make
an opposed athletics check.
- Oh my God, these are all my worst.
Oh, 13!
- You see that the sand
mouth closes on your arm
and begins to swallow you into
the abdomen of this person.
- I want to sh**t the sand monster.
- Uh, go for it.
- Stay stealthy so it looks like I did it!
- All right.
- I can maybe become a doctor.
- Uh, 23 to hit.
- That's a hit, roll damage.
- Whoa.
- Five, nine, 16,
20.
- 20 points of damage.
- Go ahead and make a medicine check
for me if you'd be so kind.
- Remember, stay stealthy.
- This is so nuts.
- I want to become a doctor.
- Nat 20!
- What is happening?
- Riz leans in, pulls out his arcupis,
lowers it, boom!
Uh, a perfect jeweled
scarab flies from the sand,
scatters across, ping, ping, ping, ping!
Ricochets, hits a runed bedpan,
glows with bright yellow light,
and turns
into a smoking lump of coal.
The sand turns back into flesh
as you rip your arm out
of the person's stomach.
All the doctors are there.
- I hide.
- Hell yeah.
- So much.
- 28.
- My God.
Dr. Keller, you've done it again.
- Maybe you guys should go back to school.
- All of them look so ashamed.
- Where's the secret liquor stash?
- Ask where Biz is.
- Dr. Keller, you saved my life.
I'm so sorry I opened up that mummy tomb.
- Yeah, don't do it again.
- Aw, my Frisbee got in there.
- I know but I can't
keep seeing you in here
'cause your Frisbee got somewhere!
- Ah, you're not lyin', I love Frisbee.
- I know.
- You see that the doctors
all look around and say,
"Um, we'll bring you
to the liquor cabinet."
- Well, actually, first—
On our way—
- Stay on the mission!
- Well, actually, I'd like to
stop on the liquor cabinet.
On our way, I heard a young
kid got brought in here and,
well, I know I'm on my 36th hour,
but I'd like to take a look at him.
- God dammit, doctor, you do too much!
You're gonna k*ll yourself!
- I love this job.
- Someone wipes a tear,
and rushes dramatically.
You see a dwarven doctor goes,
"You're tearin' this hospital apart!"
- Well, you know what?
Maybe it needs to be torn apart
so we can build it back up right!
- I never shoulda kissed you.
- I kiss him.
- Fig foes in, this dwarf
gives you the most tense,
beautiful, passionate kiss in response.
You're a maniac,
and this hospital would
be nothing without you.
- Or was that the most sane
thing I've done all night?
- You know, I spent all this time
saving other people's lives,
seems that we can never
really save our own.
- Oh, I know.
- Yeah.
- Riz is just watching just like—
- Anyway, the kid's in 113.
- Okay, thanks.
Also, where's the liquor cabinet?
- Uh, it's under the back
bunk in the overnight lounge.
- Okay. Bye.
I slap him on the a*s.
Doctor walks out—
- Good job?
- I think I have a new job.
- Riz, do you have a b*ner?
- Sort of a Ratatouille situation.
- You get the hell out of there,
and you go over to room 113,
and you see that Biz is there in traction.
His mom Bubble is fully passed out,
just asleep
in a chair next to Biz.
- Do we see, can kind of case the room
and see if anybody else is in there?
- Give me like a investigation
or perception check.
- Cool.
Nat one.
- Okay, let me see, what's better?
They're both bad.
I got a two!
Which actually becomes a four.
- You guys have no idea
what's in this room.
Fully.
The two pixies that in
here kind of covered it
with like pixie memorabilia,
and get well balloons and cards and stuff.
So it's just sort of a
phantasmagoria of colors
and lights and things like that.
- Is there like a little clipboard
describing what's going on?
Like a medical clipboard.
- Yes, there is.
- Can I look at that?
- Um, the medical clipboard,
you see that as you look,
Biz looks up and says,
"Hey.
"How's it goin', doc?"
- Oh, uh, hey, Biz, it's actually me.
Fig.
- Fig?
- Yeah.
- Oh, my God!
That disguise is wild.
- I know, I know.
Who's the really hot dwarf doctor?
- What are you doing?
- Sorry, sorry!
- Who attacked you?
- I don't know, I was in the basement.
It was before school today,
and I was getting ready to go to school,
and this guy with sweatpants
and a scarecrow mask over his head
jumped in and just
almost f*cking k*lled me
with a f*cking like,
it was like dachidad or a halberd,
some kind of big slashing weapon.
- Did he take the, uh, what do we call it,
the palimpsest?
- Yeah, he got the palimpsest.
- Did he,
I don't even know.
Well, first off, I'm really sorry.
- I'm so sorry, guys, I f*ck' blew it.
- No, thanks for helpin' us.
We appreciate it, and
we're sorry you got hurt.
You're the still the hacker
even if you can't hack right now.
- If you want to be.
- You know why you're the hacker, man?
'Cause you can hack it.
- Whoa.
- You're honestly my best friend.
- You're definitely
one of my friends, man.
- Um, you see he looks up and says,
"I was making great progress, too.
"Like, I feel I actually
can probably shorten
"the amount of time if I
had a bigger power system
"or a bigger rig set up.
"I mean, I can't do it at
my house anymore obviously
"because it's compromised,
"but I was doing good work."
- Did you ever get to talk to Sam or—
- I never, it was never safe enough.
It was always a risk
of either injuring Sam
or further complicating the device.
- If we were able to retrieve it
and we set up some place
that you could go work on it
that wasn't your home,
would you continue to work on it?
- Yeah, if there's a safe
location for me to work on it,
of course I would.
- All right, we'll look for that.
Did you talk to anybody else about this?
- This project?
- Yeah.
Did anybody else come by
from the school or anything,
or did this scarecrow
guy just show up one day?
- No, I mean, there's—
- You didn't brag about to
any of the AV club kids.
- Did you say anything to the coach,
or the barbarian teacher Porter?
- No, I didn't say anything,
I mean I mentioned a couple, like, hint-
Well, it's just like,
Shellford's always like,
oh, like, I'm working on
this project that's so,
and I'm like—
- You told Shellford?
- No, I just was like, dude,
you don't know anything
about palimpsests, okay.
Trust me, as a guy who's
working on cracking one,
you don't know sh*t.
That could be any palimpsest.
- Right.
- I'm sorry, Riz.
I cannot believe that we
have a mole in the AV club.
- Shellford honestly
wouldn't tell f*cking anyone.
Shellford is, look, he's a d*ck,
but that dude is not a f*cking narc, okay?
- Did you only tell people in the AV club
or did you tell a lot of—
- I only told people in the AV club.
- Okay, what about the bird kid?
- Skrank?
- Skrank.
- Dude, nobody would
f*cking listen to Skrank.
- That's true, you're absolutely right.
Shellford's the one I'm worried about.
- Uh, are we outside the room?
Where are we right now?
- I'd like to believe
I'm down by motorcycle
with Gorgug just flipping
a coin being like,
all right, that's heads for the 64th time.
Heads or tails?
- Heads.
- On the way out, I'd like
to hit up the liquor cabinet.
- You find a
bunch of liquor back there.
- What'd I get?
- Uh, you get, there's a
flask of dwarven vodka—
- Dwarven vodka.
- Mm, smells like his breath.
- There's, uh, like a
sort of gnomish whiskey,
um, there's a fine elven wine.
You also see that there's a
bunch of lube and condoms.
- Take that, too.
- Are you taking everything?
- Yeah.
- By the way, the like doctor
sleeping area in this hospital
just smells raw,
just f*cking—
The doctors are doing one thing here.
You don't have any context
for what the smell is,
but, oh, man.
- Cool, let's go find our friends.
- On my way out I also want to ask
what was the name of that dwarven doctor?
- Who are you asking?
- I'm asking like the receptionist.
You know, like the hot one.
- Oh.
You're talking about Dr. Asha.
- Yeah.
- I know.
You're not wrong.
- Cool. Thanks.
- Later.
- Bye.
- Bye.
- I just had my first kiss.
- Heads or tails?
- Uh, tails.
- Heads. It keeps being heads.
- That's weird, flipped the coin,
65 times in a row it's been heads.
What have you guys been doing?
- I'm just doing mage hand on the coin
very single time it goes.
- Um, yeah, you guys go
down to the parking lot.
What do you decide to do?
- Okay, so Biz was
attacked by the Harvestmen.
- Oh my God.
- We knew he was attacked.
- He was wearing sweatpants—
- I didn't know, maybe
it was just an accident.
- Quite possibly—
- Coach Daybreak.
- He was bragging to the AV club about it.
- We think there's a mole.
- Anybody can wear sweatpants.
- We're think there's
a mole in the AV club,
so tomorrow, whoever wants to go with me,
I'm gonna rough up those AV club kids.
- We cant' just—
- We can't be beating up AV,
don't beat up those children.
- We can use magic.
- No, I'm gonna rough 'em up.
- You're right, let's rough 'em up.
I would like to rough them up.
- Sometimes secrets get out
'cause people are just
kind of casually talking—
- Why don't we try to talk to Shellford?
Maybe he's, maybe someone—
- They could have had
some kind of a tracking
on the palimpsest, too.
- But we know who we need to deal with,
all right, and it's the coach.
- I think we gotta go home.
I'm tired.
- Yeah, I do also want to go to bed.
- Yeah, let's go to bed.
- Let's meet up before school tomorrow,
and maybe we'll decide to
either go after Shellford
or Daybreak.
- Do you guys ever feel like
you get exactly what you wanted
but then it didn't end
up being the answer?
- Yes.
- No, I never get what I want.
- I often get what I want,
and I'm often very satisfied,
if not more, like, my expectations
are surpassed time and time again.
- Did you guys, I was looking
for books in that bookstore,
and they didn't have any of
the titles that I grew up with.
Did you guys grow up with My
Forsaken Classmates are Scum?
You know, that like animated book?
- Kristen, I think your
parents are in the cult,
and are maybe directly involved
in everything that's happening.
- I don't think so.
- Just saying maybe.
- You know, be careful, maybe.
- What about The Seven Eyes of my Lord
and How I've Wronged Them?
- You know what? I'm just gonna ride away.
Everyone have a good night.
If you guys wanna stay—
- You were my ride!
- Uh, you guys all go home that night.
- I've gotten so good at
taking the bus at this point,
I'm like very proud of myself.
- Uh, cool!
Um, you guys arrive at
school the next day.
- I have breakfast with Gilear,
and I arrive with Gilear.
Did Gilear meet my dad?
Did we have breakfast with my dad?
- Oh, that's right, breakfast.
- We don't have to go through it,
but I just want to know.
- Yeah, the next morning, the
little sort of cafe downtown,
very like small little tables
and kind of outdoor chairs.
Gortholax is sort of perched
uncomfortably on one,
Gilear is there as well.
You sort of like have some
eggs, short conversation,
Gorthalax sort of goes, so, uh,
I hear you're working at
Aguefort now, that's wild.
That's great.
Yes, I'm the lunch lad
of the Aguefort Adventuring Academy.
I went to apply for the
guidance counselor position
but I was usurped by a
drug dealing werewolf
named Jawbone.
- Jawbone's great.
- My understanding is he actually
has gotten a bunch of kids
recommendations for college,
and some kids are now talking about
trying sort of therapy and
meds for the first time,
and bunch of people really positively,
I mean, he's incredible.
What do you want me to say?
Jawbone's incredible.
- He's doing a really good job.
Everyone's really impressed.
It's weird because the staff likes him
but also the students like him.
- Anyway I have to get the
tater tots warmed up for later.
Gorthalax, it was very nice to meet you.
You made a cuckold of me.
- That's why I thought you
guys might want to meet.
- Gorthalax says, "I
just want to be clear,
"first of all, I don't
think this is appropriate
"to talk about with Fig.
"Who cuckolded who and how
and how many times and why
"doesn't really enter into it.
"The number one thing that
every fella at this table
"has in common us we love Fig, right?
"That's the main thing."
- I mean, this really is a dream.
I have two dads now.
- Yeah, that's right.
You do have two dads.
- It's not that I want to leave,
it's that my car broke down
and I need to use public transportation.
So forgive me, but I must
fade into the bus stop.
And you see he gets up,
just kind of lightly sort
of strolls down the street.
- I go join him.
- All right, kiddo, you
have a great day at school.
Knock 'em dead, huh?
- I will!
- All right.
- I'm gonna beat up some AV club geeks!
- Nice, f*ck' give
those nerds a f*ck',
what is the word, swirly?
- Yeah!
- Yeah, f*ck'--
- But in flames instead of water.
- That's my girl!
You guys go to school.
In your lockers, or
waiting in your lockers
at school the next day,
you guys each find a little item.
There is a,
uh, I'll just go around.
You find a ruby guitar pick in your locker
that says, "Gorthalax's girl."
And it's a bright red
little ruby guitar pick.
You find a leather ax holster
with an emblem of a tin flower on it.
A little tin flower on the holster.
Adaine, you find a very
expensive 45 gold piece gift card
to a high end clothier boutique.
Um, a clothing boutique.
- I do an arcana check on it.
23.
- This doesn't appear to be magical.
It appears to just be a gift card
to a high end clothing store
for fashionable young women.
Fabian, you find a little tin
of car wax for the Hangman.
Kristen, you find a thick tome,
it's called On the Subject
of World Religions.
Giant, massive tome,
encyclopedic tome on different religions.
Riz, you find a beautiful
leather-bound briefcase
with the initials TB on the front,
and inside are a bunch of
beautiful gilded business cards
that say Riz "The Ball" Gukgak,
a very, very small un, and
then licensed investigator,
and your information on them,
with beautiful hand-done calligraphy.
- Riz excitedly vomits a little bit.
- You guys find all this cool sh*t.
- I think my dad gave me
a present in my locker.
- I think your dad gave me this, too.
- Why is your dad giving me clothes money?
- You asked for clothes the other day.
- Did you give me this?
- These are all of our deepest desires.
These like tap in to what we're all after.
- I've always felt like my ax
kind of cuts my butt sometimes.
So to just have a—
- But now it'll look really
good while cutting your butt.
- Yeah.
- This feels weird, right?
Just to be given your heart's desire?
- Yeah, I'm wary.
- Or it's fine, and we just got stuff.
- Gorthalax has so far done nothing wrong.
- Yeah, but he is a demon.
- But it's too perfect, right?
- I'm a demon, too.
- No, you're a Tiefling.
- I'm a demon.
What makes me a tiefling
is not that I'm an elf,
it's that I'm part demon.
I've got demon in my veins.
- He like makes people sell
their souls to him and then—
- No, he seduces people
to show their true colors.
- Do we wanna go to the AV club?
Maybe we can't figure it out right now.
- Yeah.
- Let's go to the AV club.
- I'll definitely just start
using it willy nilly, though.
- Who even got into my
locker is what I'm saying.
Like, this is locked and warded.
- I'm really suspicious of it.
I'm probably gonna skip the AV club
and just go read in the
library, uh, this new tome.
And I'm gonna see if they
have any of the books
that I recognize as a kid.
I'm just really looking for
one other place to have that.
- You should be very careful, Kristen,
because you keep walking into places
and asking for cult literature,
and the cult seems to be targeting people,
and beating the sh*t out of them,
and putting them in traction.
So maybe just don't talk to people about—
- Do you think these
presents are from the cult?
Do you that we've alerted
them to our presence
and these presents are from the cult?
- Definitely not.
- Wait, they could have
been watching these cameras,
'cause we've talked about all
of this stuff while at school.
- Oh, there's no way the cult
got us these gifts, all right?
There's just no way.
- Let's go to the AV club.
- Let's go to the AV club, yes.
- You guys over to the AV club,
you see that Skrank and
Shellford are there.
- Sup, dudes?
- Hey, guys.
- Uhhh,
yeah.
- Skrank, there was some girl
that was asking for you
out in the parking lot.
- Huh?
What?
- Some girl said—
- What was her name?
- I don't know who she was,
but she wanted to talk.
- She was super hot and she
was on a bike in a bikini.
- And she was also part bird.
- Huge bird t*ts.
- You see that Skrank
takes out his crystal
and starts thumbing through his
texts looking for something.
Anyone who wants, make a perception check.
- Not good.
- 10.
- 11.
- I got 16.
- Six.
- Seven.
- Cool, he scrolls through
the texts and goes,
"Uh, weird, okay.
"I'll go check it out.
"On a bicycle or a motorcycle?"
- A bicycle.
For sure a bicycle.
- A bikini on a bicycle,
that seems a recipe for disaster.
- I think she was going
to the beach maybe.
- Yeah.
- On a school day?
What's going on?
- Well, I think—
- I think there was a photographer.
- Yeah, she's a model, she's a model.
- Yes, that's why she needs the AV club,
she wants to get into videos.
- Yeah, and she said you're hot.
- She's saying, it was two things.
She was first taking pictures,
second thinking, hey,
I wish I had my friend
from the AV club here.
So it was those two.
- I cast friends on him.
- Wait.
- No, they don't know!
- We said we have a minute!
- Go ahead and make a
persuasion check with advantage.
- Gorgug was almost there.
- 16.
- 16?
- Yes.
- Rad, you see he goes, "All
right, I'll go check it out."
You see he springs into
the hall and flaps away.
Uh, Shellford's kind
of, you see he's looking
at something on one of the little
sort of security cams.
- Can I see what he's, can
I try to like sneak around
and see what he's looking at?
Uh, can can I do
investigate or perception?
- Do a perception.
- Okay.
Uh, 16.
- Um, he's looking at a elemental vehicle,
he's looking at a van in
the teacher's parking lot,
you see that it looks like
there's no license plates on it,
and he's like writing a little report,
or like a ticket for that basically.
- Can I cast detect thoughts on him
just to listen to his surface thoughts
while we ask him questions?
- Yeah.
You begin to hear his surface thoughts.
- Uh, Shellford, hey.
I stand really intimidatingly
against the wall.
- I lock the door.
- Yeah, lock that door.
Uh, I get a, intimidation, I get a 25.
- Jesus Christ.
- My God, mean girl.
- Uh, does anyone else look at
this footage other than you?
- Um, yeah.
- Who?
- You hear in his mind the
teachers that look at it.
There's like a couple.
Porter looks at it, Jace looks at it,
Coach Daybreak looks at it,
Vice Principal Goldenhoard looks at it,
um, and then he and
the AV guys look at it.
You see that he looks and says,
"Yeah, a lot of people look at it."
- Mm, cool.
Oh, I meant to ask you, uh,
where is, uh, that other
guy that you hang out with?
Where is that guy today?
- Riz? Oh, no, Biz.
- Biz, yeah, where's Biz?
- Biz got his f*cking a*s demolished,
and he's in a hospital.
- Why?
What happened?
- I don't know, we're
not like super close.
- Who are you close with?
- You see the thought goes into his head,
no one, I'm close to no one.
I just wish more than anything
that I could let someone in.
Um, you see he says, "Uh,
I'm not a f*ck' loser,
"so I f*ck' keep to myself,
"'cause no one at this
school is f*ck' cool."
- All right.
- We don't have this information.
- Yeah, I'm just assuming
that you're getting
great information.
So why did you do it, huh?
Why did you beat up Biz?
- Listen, nothing in the
world would be easier
than for me to take my f*ck' nunchucks,
and he takes a pair of
nunchucks out and says,
"And f*ck' take Biz apart."
In his head he's going I'm so scared.
I don't know why these
kids are yelling at me.
I don't think I've done anything wrong,
but then again I always do.
- I look over to Adaine for validation
that I'm getting somewhere with him.
All right, I grab the nunchucks.
- Whoa, those are vintage!
Those are real nunchucks!
- Yeah, then maybe—
- Hey, hey, hey, give
him his nunchucks back.
- Okay.
- Only reason I let you disarm me was
because I think it would be
unfair if you were unarmed.
- Idiot!
- We don't wanna fight you,
we are just worried about some stuff
that's going on in this school.
Do you know what Biz was working on?
'Cause we heard a rumor
that it was something
to do with a palimpsest?
- Palimpsest?
He mentioned some sh*t about that,
but I honestly was super f*cking bored.
In his head, he's going I
tuned out of what he was saying
because it represented
a threat to my identity
and that was too terrifying
for me to notice,
so I don't listen to
fully what he was saying,
and instead used that
time to craft a response
that would make me seem bigger,
because if I'm small,
everyone's going to hurt me.
- You know,
I don't want to seem rude, but like—
- Too late?
- What happened with the,
what were you just looking at?
Was there a van or something?
- Yeah, I'm writing a ticket.
There's a van in the teacher parking lot.
- Oh, we can take that down for you.
- Take the van?
- No, we can take the ticket down.
- Yeah, we'll put the ticket on the—
- Okay, sure.
- We love enforcing the law.
- He gives you guys the little ticket.
In his head he's just going like,
she was reaching out to you, Shellford.
She was reaching out to you.
Why did you bat her hand away?
You always do this.
Um, can I get back to work now,
or do you guys have more
bullshit you wanna talk about?
- Does Daybreak hang out here?
- Uh, no.
He's around sometimes
'cause he's a teacher
and he has the authority
to watch the footage.
- Does he watch it more than the other—
- In his head, he says yes.
- What kind of footage is he looking at?
He just seems like a creep, you know?
- Um, as creepy
as six f*ck' losers
who f*ck' lock the
door to talk to somebody?
- I mean as creepy as
somebody who volunteers
to watch all of the video in the school.
- In his head, he's like
that hurts me so deeply
and I can't get away from the pain.
How do I get away?
Everything I do just makes it worse.
Um, okay.
Uh, loser.
So pretty much, um,
I guess I'll catch you guys later
unless you have anything else
you want to bother me about?
- You know, kindness
begets kindness, Shellford.
I walk out of the AV room.
- The last thought that he
thinks to himself is like
how could I ever be kind to somebody
when I've never been kind to myself?
Uh, all right, f*ck' doinks.
I'm happy.
- That is the saddest
person I have ever met,
but he is not involved.
- I'm happy? God.
- Okay, well, so they have footage of us.
We can't talk here.
- No, let's keep—
- Should we just go to the,
do you guys wanna just check out the—
- Van?
- Yeah.
- The van?
- Yeah, let's go to the van.
- We said we'd put the ticket on it, so—
- What does the ticket say?
- Can I find them in the
hallway and join them?
- Um, sure!
You go to find them in the hallway.
Oh yeah, give me a religion check
as you're reading the book.
- Oh, yeah, I was trying
to look for another book.
Can I see if I found it?
- Oh, sure, yeah.
- Cool.
Ooh, religion now.
Eight.
- You see that the librarian
comes over and says,
"Deary, you and your friend
"have some overdue books, I believe.
"Have you returned The
People's History of Falinel,
"The Eons of Solace—"
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
- I have that right here.
- Takes The People's
History, puts it away.
She says, "What are you looking for?"
- Um, just a light-hearted YA book
that I grew up with.
It's called Blood-soaked Nails?
- Blood-soaked Nails, that's a, um,
that's a piece of religious propaganda.
- Oh.
Do we have it like for
historical reasons, or—
- Not here in the library.
- Mm, cool.
Huh!
I was doing an, uh, a report on, uh,
you know, hurtful, misguiding—
- You okay? Do you need some water?
- No, I don't need water!
Uh, thank you.
Do you have anything like that?
Like, misguiding religious literature.
I need to find anything I can.
- She looks around and pulls a book called
A Theory of the Divine
and hands it to you.
- Singular, great.
Um, cool, thank you.
Yeah, I'll check this out.
I bet I can use this as a
resource, so thanks a lot.
- Wonderful, very good.
You meet these guys in the hall.
As you are walking to them,
you get a little text from
your parents on your crystal
that says, "Emergency," all caps.
- Jesus f*cking Christ.
Uh, okay.
- And you guys, you arrive here.
- I have to go home.
- You didn't ask anybody about
cult literature, did you?
- I did, but don't worry,
I was really smooth about it.
They just think I'm writing a paper,
and Blood-soaked Nails
was already checked out.
- Yeah, of course.
- Um, I have to call my parents I guess.
- Yeah, do it, that's fine.
We're going to ticket a van.
- Check out a van but say
that we're ticketing it.
- I just got a text that said
emergency from my parents.
- Should we go to Kristen's house?
- Yes!
- Yeah, we'll go with you.
- Well, call them first.
- Yes, but let's check on
this van really quickly.
Yeah, call your parents on the way down.
- Okay, cool.
- You call your parents,
your mom picks up the phone.
Kristen, there's been an awful emergency.
You gotta come home right now.
- Okay, what happened?
- Come home right now.
- What happened?
- Come home right now.
- I gotta go, all right?
- Can I bring my friends?
- Bring 'em, bring everybody!
Bring 'em! And she hangs up.
- What the f*ck?
Um, okay.
Can you check on the van and then speed
on your bike, or a couple people?
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Do you guys mind splitting up?
- Yeah, why don't we just go,
shouldn't we just go
straight to her place?
- Let's just go to your place.
- Let's just drop the ticket off
and then we'll go to your place.
- Yeah, it's on the way!
- All right, let's go to the
van, let's go to the van.
- You guys go, you drop a
little ticket on the van.
- Is there anything weird about this van?
- Can I cast detect good
and evil on the van?
- Mm-hmm.
- Cool.
- Do I roll for anything—
- I got an 18 investigate check.
- 18 investigate check
- Oh, yeah.
- I got a—
- I got also an 18 investigate check.
- Seven perception—
- I got a 19 investigation check.
- Cool, nobody beat a 20 though, right?
- What's a, what's—
- Oh, investigate
is intelligence.
- What's good and evil?
- Oh, good and evil.
- You detect good and evil,
the van doesn't come up as either,
but you see it's like a
sealed cargo van basically.
You guys lay the ticket on it,
you rush over to the Applebees' home.
You see that your
family's out in the front,
and there's a bunch of humans
that you all recognize from church.
Pastor Amelia is here as well.
Um, you rush up, your mom says,
by the way, it's about like,
sort of like afternoon now,
probably like school's letting out
as you guys rush over to
this other neighborhood.
You see that your mom says,
"Oh, thank God you're here, Kristen.
"Somebody attacked the church!"
- What?
- Somebody attacked the Church of Sol!
This neighborhood is not safe.
There's a bunch of people here,
they're not believers, and—
- What do you mean, what happened?
Who, what did they look like?
- Pastor Amelia comes
over to you and says,
"Kristen, it's okay.
"Your mom's a little upset.
"Somebody vandalized the church."
- Did they hurt anyone?
- They didn't hurt anybody,
but somebody destroyed
a section of the church.
The door to the rectory is missing.
- It's kind of weird to call your daughter
out of school for—
- You guys don't understand how important
church is to my mom.
- Somebody, somebody fully removed
the entire doorway from
the church, it looks like,
so that wall collapsed.
We can't find the door,
or any of the archway,
or the keystone or anything like that.
- The keystone?
- Uh, above the arch, yeah.
- So you mean just like the whole door
to the church was blown in.
- It was the door in
the back to the rectory.
- Can we talk over here for a second?
- Uh, wow, that's horrible.
- We're getting a group
together, we're gonna do a vigil,
and we're gonna do a little fundraiser,
and your mom thought you should be here
because you're chosen.
- Can I do an insight
check on Kristen's mom?
- Sure.
- And the priest.
- Go for it.
- Uh,
18.
- Um, the mom seems frantic,
and you, with an 18,
you get a vibe on the whole crowd.
These humans seem riled up.
They seem like they have
like a weird victim complex
about their religion,
and that someone's
vandalized their church,
and like bad sh*t is afoot.
The pastor seems to be
mostly calming people down,
but it looks like there's a
big gathering here basically
and they're gonna do some
kind of vigil or whatever.
- Um, the rectory, what is that again?
- A rectory is a place where the clergy
lives in a church basically.
- Oh.
- Was that door a part
of the church originally
or is that from somewhere else?
- You see pastor kind of
looks at you for a second,
regards you.
Uh, well, kiddo,
actually it was a recovered
piece of an older monastery.
Actually, that doorway is centuries old.
It was part of a big important
highlight of the church.
- Are we there right now?
- Do you know where that
church originally was?
- From Highcourt.
- Mm.
- Cool, well, we're gonna go over there
and just pray about it.
- That's great, that'd be great.
Tell your friends we're
gonna do a little fundraiser,
do a little vigil.
- Cool, yeah.
- We'll bake some cookies.
- Mm-hmm, that's great.
- Yeah, great.
- All right, guys.
Hey, we can talk, but we
just all have to hold hands
'cause then it looks like we're praying.
- Yeah, that's cool, we can hold hands.
- I might have to let go to cast a spell,
but I'll make it look like I'm scratching
my nose or something.
- Great, okay.
- Just bow your heads and
say whatever you want.
- Yeah, guys, so I think
that doorway might be
like the thing that somebody
would need to go through.
- It's a portal.
- It's the thing for portal.
- Make the apocalypse happen.
- Right, can we go over there,
and I can do like an
identify type situation?
- I think we should definitely do that.
- But the door's not at
the church anymore, it's—
- No, but the area around it.
- But doesn't anyone
else feel like perhaps
it could have something
to do with the bank?
- I mean, maybe, but I think it's like—
- If there's something that
they're protecting there.
- If something has been
magically disappeared,
like they said it was disappeared,
they didn't say it was taken.
- I thought they said it was grabbed,
did they meant the wall?
- They said something hauled it out.
- You can't take an entire doorway,
that's a magical thing.
- Well, let's go and look for clothes.
That's the closest thing we can do.
Um, can I tell her that
we're just gonna head
over there and pray closer to it?
- You are ordained, Kristen,
and we're happy to have you,
and we know that your
faith is as rock-solid
and unshakable as Sol's power.
And if anything ever
happened to your faith,
this community would collapse.
- Yeah.
- It would be chaos.
- Praise Helio! We've gotta go.
- You guys take off—
- Thank you so much,
Adaine, thank you so much.
- I create a minor illusion to hide
her world religions book.
- You guys see that the church is locked
but doesn't appear to be
an active crime scene.
Seems like the religious community's
kind of handling it itself.
- I have keys to the church.
- Hell yeah.
- I'm just kidding.
- No, that's great, you can
have keys to the church.
That's fine with me.
You open the doors to the church, walk in.
Everyone make, I guess,
an investigate check.
- Can I use detect magic?
- Yes.
- Can I use perception instead?
- 17.
- Sure.
- What'd you get?
- 17.
- 17?
- I got 24.
- I got a 22 perception.
- 24 perception?
22?
Awesome.
You guys see tons of rubble.
The back, so taking an entire doorway
out of a thing is incredible.
Your detect magic reveals
that there is some residual magic here
of a, like, stone softening type.
Some divine magic.
And also a very faint residual
enhancing of an ability,
like a strength-modifying transmutation.
- Oh, so this I think
was done through magic,
but also through strength.
This is a team effort,
this is not one person it feels like.
- So you think they like
physically moved it out
and then they physically
had to move it away?
- I think somebody softened
the stone around it
and then somebody else who was
made to be incredibly strong,
or maybe several people, I don't know,
pulled the doorway away.
- Mayhaps a paladin and a barbarian?
- I pick up a djembe
because it brings me calm,
and I start playing the djembe.
- Can I look for any footprints
or any kind of evidence of—
- That was what your guys'
investigation check was for.
You see there's some footprints in here.
You can check more around the outside
of the church if you want.
- Yeah, that's what I want.
- Yeah, can we take a, do you
have things in your briefcase
that could like take a
cast of the footprints?
- I guess so.
- In your little police kit.
- I've got like a disguise
kit, so I feel like—
- Yeah, go ahead and make
your investigation check
for the exterior of the church.
- 20, uh, six.
- 26?
- Uh, Riz, you pop your
magnifying glass out,
and are looking all the way around.
Uh, by the curb you see
the faintest skid marks
of a large four-wheeled vehicle.
- Does it look like a f*cking van?
- I think that we gotta
go back to the van!
- All right, back to school.
- But let's make a plan before we go back
'cause we're gonna be on camera
the whole time we're there.
- I mean, if—
- I know what we'll do.
We put the ticket on there,
so I can go and pretend to just be,
or one of us can go,
or a group of us can go
and pretend to be just
rudely enforcing the ticket
and see if anyone's in the van.
- Can you dress as like another teacher?
Can you disguise yourself
as another teacher
and investigate it?
- Always.
- I'll just stand far way
like we're here in the parking lot.
- What if, okay, so we're pretty sure
Coach Daybreak is in the middle of this.
What if I go and talk to Coach Daybreak
and try to keep him in a room
talking to him as long
as I can about religion,
and you are him.
It feels like he's in the center of this.
- You guys rush back to the school.
Upon rushing back, you guys
see that the school's let out.
It's twilight,
and the back doors of the van are open.
- Detect magic or sneak up to it?
- Yeah, let's sneak.
My detect magic spell
is still going, right?
- Yes, you still got
your detect magic going.
You see a faint trace of magic
leading over to the bloodrush field.
- Oh, my detect good and
evil is still going, right?
- A powerful evil traces
over to bloodrush field.
- Oh no, the bloodrush field.
We have to go talk to those jocks.
- Perhaps you should give us a speech
before we go rush over
to the bloodrush field?
- I don't know if I have one
in me, but you know what?
Of course I do.
You guys, uh,
I'm not gonna mix words, okay?
There's no god.
There's no devil.
- It's gonna get inspiring.
- We've seen one.
- There's no hope.
- We talked to one.
- There's definitely gods and devils.
- Everything is random.
And not the good random,
like you go to Vegas and you're excited
because it's random?
- Where is Vegas?
- Bad random.
- Like, oh, that was my brother,
and he was just smashed
by a hound.
- What?
- When you're really young
and a hound looks big.
And we don't know.
There's no rhyme or reason.
Wind chimes are f*cking annoying
because of how erratic they are, okay?
It's not good that it's random.
There's no good in it.
And maybe—
- Here we go, this is it.
- Maybe it's nice that
we all found each other.
And guys, I'm glad that we're all friends,
and we all bring something
different to the group,
and maybe that's all for a reason.
Maybe it was so nice that I met you all,
and it's a perfect fit,
and someone out there's
looking out for me,
or maybe not, and maybe
the blood-soaked nails
are still in my hands.
- But at least we're together, right?
- Yeah.
- Yes!
- I wanna disguise myself as a Harvestman.
- You guys, you do that, voom, disguise.
You guys hear a colossal shrieking noise
and the breaking of stone
from the bloodrush field.
- Oh, run!
- We run towards it.
- You sprint
to the bloodrush field—
- Let me be in the lead, 'cause
I look like a Harvestman.
- I'm standing in front you.
- On one side of the field
is an enormous stone arch from the church
that is pulsing with infernal energy.
On the other is a chest
that has been opened,
Coach Daybreak, and a legion
of skeletal bloodrush players.
Their padding hanging from their frame,
turn to look at you.
Coach Daybreak turns, smiles.
Kristen, good to see you, kiddo.
- Hi.
- Tryouts are over, my man.
- Oh, God.
- But you know what?
Just for today, let's play ball!
I'm gonna need you all to roll initiative.
- Jesus Christ.
oh, sorry.
- And that's it for this
week on Fantasy High!
Tune in next week where we
see how this shakes down
with old Coach Daybreak on the field!
Later!
- I knew that guy was bad.
- I new it!
- Arch from the Church of Sol glimmers
with kinetic magic potential.
Skeletons charge forward
as Coach Daybreak blows on his whistle.
Shouldn't have come back
to the field, kiddo!
You got no heart!
- Let's play!
- Where are you going?
- You got it, girl.
- I'm going to take out
the On the Subject of World Religions.
And channel divinity.
- You befriended these heretics and liars!
You have rejected the faith, Kristen!
- f*ck you, Daybreak.
- f*ck you, dog!
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01x09 - Dishing with a Demon
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.