- Hey, Mom.
How's Gorthalax?
- I'm so sorry, kiddo.
It seems possible that
you went back to hell.
- Did I become the next elven oracle?
- Goldenhoard isn't on any of these lists.
There's no Dragonborn
that works at the school.
- So, Kalvaxis is—
- Is Goldenhoard.
- Is Goldenhoard.
- You see teachers all
over the school grounds
getting sucked into what
are disguised as cameras
but are actually crystal palimpsests.
You guys see videos of fires being set.
If you elect to go fight
and try to save them,
you will give up half of
your current hit points.
- Yeah, I'm doing it for sure.
- I mean, I have to do it, I
don't know how I don't do it.
- I'm gonna go find those girls.
She grabs her bow, swan
dives through the window,
lands on her griffon's back,
and takes off into the sky.
You got 'em, sweetheart!
- Come back to the prom!
- Mom?
- "This is Elmville, baby!"
And your mom c*ck the g*n:
"Alright, you head there now,
"I'm gonna get the cruisers
ready, I'll meet you there!"
"There he is.
"My darling boy."
He takes his eye patch off,
hands it to you.
- I take it
and then drive my sword
deep into his heart.
- "That's the way you do it, boy!"
You roar on the Hangman across town
as Gorgug,
Fig,
Adaine,
Kristen,
and Riz all rush to the prom.
The crowns are poised and
Vice Principal Goldenhoard,
as the sole chaperone,
turns to look at you.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
back to the final episode
of Fantasy High!
I'm Brennan Lee Mulligan.
This is Miss Emily Axford.
- Fig.
- Mr. Zac Oyama.
- Gorgug.
- Miss Siobhan Thompson.
- Adaine.
- Mr. Lou Wilson.
- Fabian Seacaster.
- Miss Ally Beardsley.
- I'm Kristen Applebees.
- And Mr. Brian Murphy.
- Hello, intrepid adventurers!
Heroes. f*ck.
- Hi.
- Blew that bit.
- Guys, for the final time,
say hi, intrepid heroes!
- Hi, intrepid heroes!
- That's it.
- Goddammit.
We are here at the gymnasium
at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy.
Our heroes have just crashed
through the front doors.
I will allow you guys
to make some perception
or insight checks.
Pick your poison, tell
me what you're rolling
as you crash in.
- I want to...
Okay, I have a 14 and I wanna
make sure that the crowns
aren't on the heads quite yet.
- The crowns are about to
be placed on the heads,
not there yet.
- I got a 17 perception.
- I got a 21 perception.
- 17, 21.
- 10—
- 14 perception.
- 10 perception.
- 14 investigative.
- 14 investigative, okay.
A 17 and a 21 perception,
Gorgug, you notice Ragh
Barkrock over in the corner,
still in his letter jacket.
Make an insight check.
- Hmm!
- Mm!
- 18.
- Ragh has a black eye and looks very sad.
Adaine, you clock
Goldenhoard right over here
by the food area.
- Guys, Goldendick's right over there!
- It is combat.
The first act in this
combat is going to be Fig.
- Okay, I'd like grab Gorgug
and dimension door to where—
- Oh, grab me, grab me!
- No, no, no.
I wanna grab Gorgug and dimension door
to where they're about
to put the crowns on.
- Is that within range of your spell?
- It's 500 feet.
- Yeah, that'll do it.
- Yeah.
- It's a big gym.
- So, right where they're doing that.
- Fig, you reach over to Gorgug.
- I say, "Sorry, trust me."
- Oh, 'cause he goes next.
- Right here in the midst
of all these Orc-ish musicians?
- And then I wanna
look at him and say
"Grab the crown," and then
get on my skateboard
and dash away.
- That's so dope!
- Where do you dash to?
- I'm gonna dash to
the side that Ragh is on.
f*cking sick, kick flip!
- Four, five, six.
So, rushing in,
Fig, you were first to act,
the memory of your mother
flying away on her Griffon
is still fresh; you take your
dope dwarven skateboard, boom!
You and Gorgug appear
on the stage in a flash
of sulfur and brimstone, you kick, ollie,
and sh**t off the stage;
Gorgug, it's your action.
- Okay.
Well, okay, I'm not proud of this.
Going for her crown versus his crown—
- Wow, dude.
- 'Cause I imagined she's—
- In this climate?
- I'm going into a rage and
I'm gonna grab her crown.
- Go ahead and make an
opposed athletics check.
- You can toss it to me
if you want afterwards.
You're way stronger and I can't—
- Good call.
- First one is 17 but I get advantage
'cause I'm - And a nat
one, so, thank goodness.
- You reach out and yank
the f*cking crown away
from Penelope, ha!
- Sick.
- Break it over your knee!
Or you do whatever you want.
It's magical.
- I have four bombs.
Can I just pull the pin on all of 'em,
and run?
- Right here on the stage?
- Yeah.
- So, you can throw one at a time.
- Okay, never mind.
It's not bandolier style?
- It's not like a bandolier
where you can pull all the pins.
You can definitely throw
one down here on the stage,
if you want to.
- Yeah.
I think I am.
And I'm gonna run towards where Fig was.
- Cool.
You have eight movement,
so that's one, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, eight.
You hurl your b*mb and Fig
dexterity saves for both of them.
- It's 10 radius, right?
- You hit both of them,
so there's one b*mb
and they're making—
- Can I make an insight
check on if the band is bad?
- Make an insight check.
- Aw, that's only a 10.
- You honestly can't tell.
You heard one of them on
the way in here going,
"Everybody give it up for
your prom king and queen!"
- Okay.
Well, yeah, just at them,
and I'm just running.
- Just at them, you're running,
they're gonna make some saves...
Go ahead and roll damage.
- Okay.
- Dope.
- You need some more dice?
- 66.
- Whoa!
- Whoa!
- Hell, yes.
- Wait, six, there's six of us.
Everyone get one!
- Oh, yeah!
- Oh, beautiful, beautiful.
- It's our heart and soul.
This is with us.
- This b*mb is all of us.
- Wow, each b*mb is that much?
- Ooh!
Six, six, five, one,
and
one, three.
So, that is 12,
18,
19...
22.
- 22.
- 22.
- Each?
- That's 22 damage.
Dayne looks around and goes, "Huh, babe!"
Blows up; he is...
Doesn't look too badly injured
but definitely got the
full force of that blast.
Penelope Everpetal raises
a hand to you and says,
"If you wanna be cool, you
should give my boyfriend
"my crown!"
I'm gonna need you to
make a wisdom saving throw
and I'm going to need you to
subtract 2d4 from the roll.
- 2d4, and being in a rage
does not help me right now?
- This is a—
- It's not a charm?
Is it a charm?
- Aren't you immune
from being charmed?
- Mindless rage!
The spell does not work!
She says a bunch of sh*t to you
and all you're hearing in your head
is f*cking Zelda's beautiful,
- This music rules!
- Dayne Blade
leaps
off the stage, rushes here.
- Sorry to put you in the...
- I'm happy to be in it.
- Yeah, he's kinda gotta be, right?
- He makes a roll.
I'm gonna need you to beat
a 23 on an athletics check.
- Can Gorgug...
- He does it, easy.
- You got advantage.
- So, the first one's only 13.
Ooh!
- Yes!
- What'd I have to beat?
- 23
- 26.
- f*ck you, Dayne!
- Dayne Blade runs over,
grabs it, he's like,
"Let go of my girlfriend's crown, dude!"
- No.
- That is going to be...
Riz, at the beginning of
every one of your turns,
I would like you roll for police.
This round, if you're roll a nat 20,
your mom will show up.
- Sweet!
Mom!
Nope.
- Alright!
What do you do?
- Okay.
I am going to hop on back of the Hangman.
- Presumptuous.
- Yeah, and I say,
"Captain Fabian and The Ball,
"let's do this, best friends!"
And I wanna ready
an action—
I wanna ready an action so that
whoever he attacks, I wanna
poke out and sneak attack him.
- Whoever attacks him—
- Whoever he attacks.
- Gotcha.
- On his turn.
- Incredible!
- Incredible.
- That's going to be Kristen.
- Great.
Can I see what 60 feet looks like?
- You sure can.
60 feet is...
- Oh, my God, The Ball.
We're too sweet.
- About to the half point
of the gym.
- Great.
How many spaces do I get?
- Six, you can move six.
- Okay.
I'm gonna go one, two,
three, four, five, six.
Oh, dang, okay.
I need someone to throw me or something.
- But if you get there,
you get 60 feet from there.
Right, for a spell?
- Yeah, but I need to reach the stage.
- Could you—
- Never mind.
- How many people can the Hangman carry?
If she readied an action,
could we drag her?
Could we get her to the halfway mark
en route to somewhere else?
- You could take Kristen with you...
If you make an acrobatics
check to stay on the bike,
you can do that.
- Okay, cool.
Acrobatics,
I have negative three!
- You have a minus three.
- What about athletics?
- You know what, baby girl?
Why don't you ready an action until I go?
- Okay.
I ready an action—
- Baby girl.
- But before I do that,
let's see.
I cast spirit guardians.
- Dope.
- Cool!
Done deal.
- Oh, then I can't ready an action right?
- You can actually just
totally lower your initiative
and go after Adaine, if you want.
- Done, I would love to do that.
- Done deal.
- Great.
- You're self-consciously
looking at Adaine.
- I'm just like—
- Fabian, that'll be you.
- I wink at her.
- Alright.
- What does it mean?
- With that 10 perception check,
am I able to tell if anyone
is wearing the tuxedo
from earlier or is bleeding
out of the left hand—
- Not with a 10.
- Okay, can I make another—
- Make another
perception on your turn.
Call DC 15.
- Great.
Oh, my God!
I got a 14—
- Can I assist him?
I wanna give him my magnifying glass.
- You give him
your magnifying glass,
you roll with advantage.
- Oh, alright.
Nope, it's still the—.
- Dammit!
- You do not see the
person here in the hall.
- Alright.
Well, then, in that case,
I'm not gonna let Gorgug
get away with having all the fun.
I'd like to drive the
Hangman toward Dayne,
get as close to Dayne as I can,
all the while, if I
can Teen Wolf it on top
to jump off
and attack him.
- Go ahead make me one
more perception check.
- Okay.
10.
- 10 is the exact DC you needed.
As you get closer, you are
racing this thing like,
"I don't spot him anywhere.
"Gorgug, where's Gorgug?"
You see Dayne hefting his great sword
with a bandage around his left hand.
- Oh, yes!
This is all so crazy.
We're going very fast, right?
- Incredibly fast.
- Can I yell to,
what's his name,
Ragh Barkrock as we ride past him?
"The fight is on! Hoot growl!"
- Go ahead and make a
persuasion check for me!
- Alright.
- Don't you
have a advantage on that?
- Do I have advantage
on persuasion?
- Oh, no, intimidation.
- Oh, intimidation.
That's 11.
- 11.
Ragh looks up at you so sad-looking
and looks around at the fight starting.
You leap off here,
the Hangman rockets past; Riz
you have a readied action.
Do you leap off the Hangman or no?
- I guess I'll stay on it.
- Cool.
You stay on it.
Incredible.
Fabian, go ahead and take your attack.
- Great.
11?
- 11's not gonna do it.
- Great, and
22.
- 22 does it.
- Oh, great.
11.
- Your sword finds purchase, bam!
See Dayne whips around and says,
"Whoa, you?
"f*ck you, dude.
"f*cking wear a letter
jacket on the first day,
"not even on the team!"
- "No, f*ck you!"
- And then I sh**t him?
- And you sh**t him.
Go for it.
- And I try to sh**t him.
That is a 20 to hit?
- 20 hits!
- Dope.
Riz at sneak attack?
- Yeah!
'Cause it's around other people.
4d6 plus my 2d6.
- Whoo!
- C'mon, baby!
- Oh, my God!
- Ooh!
- Pretty good!
11, 15,
20, 22,
28 damage.
- Jesus Christ!
You guys surround Dayne Blade
with his Prom King crown
on his head.
- Well, first we bombed him.
- First you bombed him.
He's partially burned,
he's got his little crown on his head,
he's f*cking holding the sword there.
He swings around, bam, whoosh, slash,
and is just surrounded on all sides.
That's going to be Adaine's turn.
- I
do a little du-du-du and I
cast fly on my girl Kristen.
- Sick.
- And then,
I guess I go up here a little bit.
- Yeah, go for it!
- As far as I can,
which is about here, probably.
- Sure.
- Hell, yeah.
- Right?
- Yup, great!
- And
that is, wait, hang on a second.
Yeah, no, that's what I'll do.
- Rad.
Kristen, that's going to be your turn!
- Awesome.
- You feel yourself
Adaine's eyes glow white.
- I fly...
How far can I fly?
- 60, right?
- Hell, yeah.
- So you can go—
- Half court?
- Half court, yeah.
- I fly,
and as I'm right here, I
cast banishment on Penelope,
and I send her to another
plane of existence
that's harmless, but she's incapacitated.
- Alright, hold on one second.
- Guys, great wild first start!
- Truly wild!
- Nobody else has gone yet!
- Remember the corn fight?
- Yeah!
- Guys, I'd like to believe everyone
is just standing in this prom,
watching us just like—
- Vroom!
Kristen flying over everyone's head,
racing towards the stage.
Penelope...
What level spell is—
- This is a fourth-level spell
and she has to make a charisma
saving throw or be banished.
- Okay.
- For how long?
- For a minute.
- Yeah, one minute.
- It's 10 rounds.
- Sheesh.
- That'll be helpful.
- First of all, Penelope goes, "Huh!"
And throws a counter spell at you
if she rolls a nine or higher.
- Ooh!
- Your mighty cleric's spell
blasts through the counter spell,
she makes her saving throw.
- What does
she have to hit for that?
What's the charisma—
- I believe, for you,
it's 16, right?
- Yeah, 16.
- Should be a 16.
And she resists the spell.
- f*ck.
- Nice try, man.
- At least she burned the counter spell.
- Great idea, dude.
- Yeah, that's true!
- Hell, yeah.
- Dope as hell, dude.
I mean, at the end of
the day, you still fly
over the gym.
- Yeah!
- Remember when we fought
the corn?
- Don't got
a lot of spells left!
- You see
Vice Principal Goldenhoard.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven.
- Oh, sh*t.
- Oh, f*ck.
- Fig, why are we so close to you?
- I'm gonna need you, my man Gorgug,
to go ahead and make a
opposed athletics check.
You have to beat a 24.
- 'Kay.
- C'mon, Gorgug.
- First one's 18.
18's the higher one.
- Striding, boom, boom!
Goldenhoard says, "Ah, young
students who've decided
"to show yourselves!"
Leaps up with the cricket bat,
brings it to you face,
does not strike your face
but uses the moment of distraction
to snatch the crown from your hand,
and hurls it to Penelope.
- Right in front of Dayne, right?
- That is going to be the
students and the band.
You see that one of the
orcs grabs the mic and says,
"Alright, everybody out of the gym!
"Let's go, g*ng!"
You see all
these students begin
to rush about willy-nilly,
all just freaking out
and trying to figure out
what's happening, you see some
rush over to the food tables
to grab as much food as they can
before whatever happens happens.
You see the band begins
to very quickly pack up
their instruments, they're
going like, "Go, go, go!"
Click click click click
click click click click,
cases going together, grabbing
amps and stuff like that.
- Okay, so they weren't too bad.
- Something bad's going to happen?
- Maybe.
- Fig, that's gonna be your turn.
- How does Dayne look?
How f*cked up does he look?
- Rough, he looks rough.
- Okay.
Then I'm going to reckless shred,
which means he'll have
disadvantage on his saving throw,
and cast dissonant whispers,
third level, on him.
- Ooh, baby.
His disadvantage on his
saving throw fails miserably.
- Okay, can I borrow four d6s?
- Nice.
- Great catch.
- Really great.
- I need one more.
- That's four.
- Oh, I meant, I need one more.
Okay, I hit him for
not great, but...
15.
- He goes
and moves as far away as
he can on his reaction
here to the corner.
That's gonna be reactions
from Gorgug, Fabian, and Riz;
you guys all get opportunities.
Okay.
- Holy sh*t.
- Sick.
- With my attack,
can I try to knock the crown
off his head?
- Sure, you can try to knock
the crown off his head, yeah.
- Did 17 hit?
- 17 hits.
- With the sentinel reaction,
his movement is zero
after I hit him, so I guess he can't move?
- I would actually say, if
he's here and attempts it,
everybody still gets the
same attack of opportunity
so I think he's just frozen
and you guys all get your attacks on him.
- I got a 17 as well.
- I got a 20.
- 17, 20?
You guys all hit.
- Jesus!
- Oh, yeah, so.
- Eight.
- 13.
- 14, 16, 19,
20, 26.
- I got a 13, but—
- You want to knock the crown
off his head.
- Yes.
- You are not sure if this will
affect the prophecy or not,
'cause the wording of
the prophecy is specific
as the crown thing.
So, you can choose to deal
the damage directly to him
or you knock the crown off.
- Hmm.
Hmm.
I'm gonna do a damage.
- Do the damage?
Awesome.
You see, you go (mimics
electronic guitar warble).
Hearing the score, he goes, "Oh no,
"that music is too powerful!"
takes a step back;
Fabian, you slam the sword
of the Seacasters through his
foot, nailing him to the spot.
Gorgug, you slash his stomach open
as you blast his brains out from behind.
Dayne is f*cking dead, baby!
- sh*t!
- f*ck you, man!
- f*ck!
- Does it take an action
for me to steal his shadow?
- It may.
- Okay.
- Go ahead and look that up,
and I'll let you do it if
you can do it as a reaction.
You see that Ragh looks at you and goes,
"No!"
Rushes forward—
- Ragh, Dayne sucks!
- Ooh!
I know what's going on here.
- I'm gonna need you to make
an opposed athletics check.
- Okay.
Not that one.
- 25's what you gotta beat.
- Yup, using a reaction,
so I steal his shadow.
- Go for it, yup.
- I got a 23.
- Ragh grapples you to the ground
and then hits you for first—
- I should've f*cking k*lled that dude.
Just k*ll everyone we take hostage.
- 14 halves to seven,
and then
11 halved to five.
- I'm at 50.
- He's going,
hitting you as hard as he can.
That is going to be Gorgug's turn.
- Can I just make a persuasion check?
First?
Does that take my action?
- I'll let you do it instead
of movement, how about it?
So, you can do an action
and then a movement.
- Yeah, you're right
in front of Goldenrod.
So you wouldn't need to move
if you wanted to attack him.
- Well, I just wanted
to stop the crown thing.
- Oh, yeah!
- The crown is flying
through the air at her?
- Yeah, she's reaching her hand out for it
as it's flying through the air.
- If I try to get up and throw a...
- Just do it!
- Throw a hand ax,
can I do both of those things?
- You have to beat Ragh at a
grapple to escape the grapple.
- Okay.
- Does Ragh have to roll
in that grapple as well?
- He does but he rolls with advantage
because he's raging.
- Okay.
I'm going to try to get out first.
- Okay, you have to beat a...
- A nat 20?
- You have to beat a nat 20.
Have to roll a nat 20.
- C'mon, b*tch, c'mon.
16.
13.
- Dammit!
- You were unable to get it,
you still have your action.
- Okay.
I'm just gonna start
attacking him from here,
'cause I'm mad.
- Cool.
- 22.
And then, you said I should roll all my—
- 22 hits.
- Alright.
I'll just keep rolling my other attacks.
18.
- Sorry, 22 and 18?
- Yeah.
- 18 hits as well.
- And then, 16.
- All three hit.
- Okay, cool.
Nine.
Wait, what was that?
Yeah, nine, and then 10.
Ooh.
- Ooh!
- And then 19.
- Nine, 10, and 19?
- 19 and 19, so, 38?
- Jesus Christ.
- We're monsters.
- Yeah!
- You try to get out of
the grapple, doesn't work,
he's just weeping, he's like,
"Dayne was the coolest dude!"
- He sucks!
- Bam, bam, bam!
Axe across his chest, (groans
loudly) Ragh screams in pain.
- Is that half 'cause he's raging, or no?
- It looks like it;
even halved,
38 damage is a fair amount of damage.
Penelope Everpetal places
the crown on her head.
- sh*t.
- Strides over here to
the front of the stage
and lifts a hand.
- f*ck.
- I'm gonna need Kristen to
make a dexterity saving throw.
- Cool.
- Oh, no.
- Do I get anything on this?
Not good.
Six.
- Nine,
11.
21, 26.
You take 36 points
of fire damage.
- Jesus!
- Penelope raises her hand,
not even fighting smart
at this point, ignores
this whole crowd of people,
and hits just Kristen with a fireball.
"Trying to banish me?
"I am the f*cking Prom Queen!
"I let them put my best
friend in that crystal!
"You think you're gonna take this from me?
"My moment?
"f*ck you!"
And is surrounded by energy on all sides.
Arcane magic swirling around her.
That is going to be
Dayne.
- Who's dead, right?
- Who's dead as a doornail.
Sometimes you make a villain and they die
in the first two rounds.
Did you guys know that?
- I know it now.
- Now you know it!
That is going to be
Riz.
- Okay.
- Still on
the back of a Hangman.
- I'm still on the Hangman.
- The ship is yours, The Ball.
Whatever you'd have her do?
- Appreciate that, appreciate that.
Okay, so it seems like
they've been crowned,
he needs to behold his treasure,
I'm wondering if I should try to...
- Blind him?
- Blind him somehow.
'Cause they've been crowned.
I don't know how much it's gonna
help to knock him down now.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- Yeah, go for the eyes.
- What the f*ck could I do to him
that would blind him?
I'm not very athletic or anything.
- Hold your magnifying glass
up to the sun!
- sh**t him the eye, dude!
- Yeah, I think that's
just gonna do damage.
Maybe I should just go
after Penelope there.
Alright, I am, I guess...
I'll leave the Hangman for my boy Fabian
and I'm just going to, oh, but I won't get
to sneak attack on her.
- Put her in your briefcase.
- I'm also thinking
about attacking Penelope.
- Do you roll for the police?
- Oh, yeah.
- Oh, you know what?
Yeah, I do, right?
Brennan, I roll to see if the police come?
- Roll for the police.
19 or 20 does it.
- 13, f*ck.
Okay, I think maybe I'll
ready an action again
to wait for Fabian, I'll
attack who he attacks.
That way I get to sneak attack.
- Is there any chance you have a feel
what the aura is or
the nature of the aura?
- Yeah, can I check her out?
- Of the aura around her? Yeah, go for it.
- 21.
- Now, what kind of roll is this?
- I did investigate.
- Investigate.
You see a ruby necklace
hanging around her neck.
- She's got your dad!
- Was that her best friend?
- What?
- No!
It's Sam Nightingale!
- I'm down to a five!
I burned to a crisp and I'm in the air,
I'm an advertisement for chicken.
- Cool, so I'll attack
whoever Fabian attacks.
- What chicken adverts
are you watching?
- It's just like
if you went to prom and
there's a dangling chicken leg?
- What prom did you go to?
- Is that the glittering bounty?
- Think it's your dad.
- No, no, no, but is that
what he needs to behold?
- Holy sh*t.
- Oh, sh*t.
- Who knows?
- Well.
- Okay, when do you go in?
Are you next?
- I think I'm after Adaine.
- No, actually it's Fabian.
- Oh, fantastic.
- Great, so yeah,
I'll go with you.
- I would like the Hangman to
drive in front of the stage,
I would like to run and
jump off of the Hangman
and attempt to grapple Penelope Everpetal.
- Hell, yeah!
You leap on the Hangman
,
it pulls to the front, you leap off,
go ahead and make an athletics check,
we'll call it a DC 10.
- Okay.
- Done.
- Done.
- You leap off, go ahead and
make an opposed athletics,
you have to beat a one.
- Well, I do handedly.
- So, Fabian, broad-shouldered,
athletic, powerful,
leaps off the back of the Hangman.
Penelope, a five-foot-two Prom Queen,
in a bright pink dress,
summoning all of her magical energy.
"This is my moment!"
Whap! Bam!
Evil is real and Penelope is no joke.
She's a powerful sorceress.
Nobody feels great about
what they just saw.
Even Goldenhoard goes,
"Ooh, Jesus Christ!"
"No, no, no."
Penelope is taken to the ground.
- Cover her ruby with your bod.
- With your bod!
- Rub yourself up against her, dude!
That's the second
time you grappled a woman!
- You have one sword attack if you want.
- Yes.
- Yeah, go for it!
- At this point, I k*lled my father today.
Yes!
11?
- Does he get advantage
because she's prone?
- Oh, yeah, do I get
advantage 'cause she's prone?
- Yeah, you get advantage
'cause she's prone,
yeah, for sure.
11?
- 20, a modified 20.
- Yes, correct, you hit.
- 10.
- You (makes slashing
sound) slash across her arm
with the sword of the
Seacasters, she goes,
"You f*cking psycho!"
- Yes! Yes!
- With a little flash of Bill!
- Yeah, psycho!
- And then I'm going
to jump off the Hangman
with my sword of shadows and yell,
"I know this looks bad but she's evil!"
Oh, my God, I rolled so bad!
16?
She's prone, right?
- She is prone, but she
uses the shield spell
to raise her AC.
That is going to be
Riz, Fabian; Adaine, that'll be you.
- sh*t, I'm so f*cking far away.
- At least I'm off the Hangman, right?
- Set a spell separate.
- You're a f*cking badass!
- I guess I'm gonna cast fly on myself
and do a double movement
to get to the stage.
- You're gonna drop the concentration on—
- Oh, sh*t, if I do that?
- On Kristen if you did that.
- Okay, yeah.
- Wow, I wish you had this teddy bear.
- How far is 100 feet?
- 100 is even more than this.
This is up to 80, so 100
would be four more squares
from here, so, one, two, three, like here.
- Okay.
Could I get to here and hit Goldenhoard?
- Yeah, if you take your full movement,
you can hit Goldenhoard.
- I just wanna make sure
that there's nobody else
in the way, because I
wanna do lightning bolt
and I don't wanna hit anybody else.
- This is against the
rules but I don't care.
Make a DC 15 arcana check
'cause you have the spell
of sn*per feet and that
sounds like it would do that.
- Great.
Nope.
- How 'bout resistance of thunder damage?
- Okay.
- You are going to hit
some students or somebody
to try to hit him
with a lightning bolt.
- Okay, well, that's the risk you take
when you go to the Aguefort
Adventuring Academy.
- Amen, amen!
- I yell as I do it,
"Come on, fellow students,
"are you men or are you mice?
"Get on the f*cking right team!"
And then I cast lightning
bolt towards Goldenhoard.
- Rad!
He and Ragh are both gonna
make some saves here.
What's the DC on that?
- My DC is
15.
- Okay.
- And it's a
dexterity saving throw.
- Go ahead and roll damage.
- Great, so it's 8d6.
- Eight.
- Need some more d6s?
- Yes.
- And my d6.
- And then also, I'll do this twice.
Great.
- Oh, nice.
- Oh, sh*t.
- Or bad?
- No, good.
12,
17,
20?
Ugh.
22, 24,
28.
- Ragh gets it full force across the back.
Goldenhoard dodged to the
side, clips across his face;
you don't see a facial reaction.
You injured him and it seems
like a day in the f*cking park.
- Who, Goldenrod?
- Goldenhoard, yup.
- I can do a misty step, right?
- Not two
spells in the same round.
Lightning bolts is taken care of.
- Right, it's 'cause it's
two steps, okay, great.
- That is going to be Kristen!
- Great.
I have something that
heals half health, right?
Half hit points or—
- Yeah.
Preserve life?
- Preserve life, yes.
So, that can heal you up to half.
And I think it's five times
level, so you can heal
up to 40 hit points with that.
- Cool.
And no one else is hurt, right?
- Who else is below—
- I mean we're all kinda,
I'm at 50 and my max is 112.
- So, that's five people within 30 feet.
Am I 30 feet from these
people if I fly over them?
- Yeah, you can fly over
them, you can do that.
- 'Cause you're at five,
you should heal yourself.
- Yeah, I'm definitely gonna heal myself
and four other people.
- And then you can just throw
Zac a couple other—
- Didn't your ability
give you some healing when
you heal other people?
- Cool!
- 'Cause nobody else is at half.
- But we all came in at half
from helping our parents.
- No, 'cause he healed
me, I don't need anything.
- We also had bonus hit
points 'cause of you.
- Oh, yeah, right.
- So, only the people
who have been attacked
here are under halfway.
- Right, so who's been damaged?
- I'm at 50 but I could use
a little bit.
- Just you two,
just you two.
- So, just you two.
- Cool, okay!
So then I give myself 35
and then I also take...
I get an extra 10 from auto-heals.
So that's 45,
which brings me up to
50, 'cause I was at five.
And then...
- It's only Gorgug.
- How much do I get, 15,
is that what you're saying?
- You did 30 to yourself so you get 10.
Okay.
- Does that makes sense?
- You had 40 to split up amongst people.
- Oh, gotcha.
Okay, cool.
- That's still very helpful,
thank you.
- Cool!
And then, could I
actually have changed that
to fly to up here and still help Gorgug?
- Oh, sure, you can actually land up here
on this walkway.
- Yeah, I wanna get
hidden, and then, can I
duck or is that an action?
- You can't really hide on your turn.
You can give yourself cover.
- Cool.
I do that.
- Goldenhoard takes a full disengage.
Moves out to right here.
- Oh, f*ck.
- He's looking right past you, Adaine.
Takes a little crystal clicker—
- Oh, sh*t.
- Out from his thing and goes,
"I have waited so very long."
Click!
Except, farther away,
through the open doors of the gym,
down across the yard,
over the little hedge,
you see the KVX Bank that
they built next to the school.
The top of the bank explodes,
the walls crumble,
and the largest mountain
of gold you have ever seen
stands before you.
Goldenhoard goes,
"This rules!"
- sh*t.
- Oh, no!
It's so big.
- Oh, no, my God!
- No!
- Oh, my f*cking God!
- He immediately crushes and flattens
the two students underneath him.
Boom!
"Ah, yes!
"The emperor of The
Red Waste has returned!
"The time is now for a new
age of fire and conquest
"and money, money, money for me!
"Rich once more!
"I am the trustee and I shall
pay my dividends to myself!"
- That's a wafting metaphor, dude.
Whew!
- Yeah, dude.
- f*ck.
- Everybody spread out.
- For a dragon,
poetic.
- I am going to need
,
I'm gonna need everybody here
to roll
a wisdom saving throw.
- It's not fear, is it?
- It is fear.
- Oh, okay, good.
Thank you.
- Thank f*cking God.
- 23.
- 'Cause I rolled a five.
- I had a 10.
- 18.
- 23 from Kristen?
- I got an 11.
- What did Fig get?
- 18.
- Yes!
- 20.
- Nat 20?
- No nat 20, 19, so 20.
- Erupting from his humanoid form,
the dragon, Kalvaxis,
Emperor of The Red Waste,
spreads his mighty wings
inside the gymnasium,
completely ruining this year's prom.
The theme A Night to Remember
will indeed be a night to remember.
But with not the K, just a
regular night to remember.
- Yes.
- We got it.
Good pun.
- Thank you, thank you.
Gorgug, I'm going to need
you to make an insight check.
- f*cking two; no, wait, four.
- Four?
- Goddammit!
- No.
No.
- It's all been leading to this moment.
The pieces all fall into place.
Numbers, moments, memories.
"You shouldn't give him your flower.
"He doesn't deserve to be your friend."
What a caring thing to say.
The exact kind of thing that
a father would say to a son.
That's why he wasn't there.
Your father has been the
villain this whole time.
- Of course!
- It is the story of the hero's journey.
You must defeat your father in combat.
You must lay low he who cast darkness
and doubt over your life.
Gorgug, this is your dad.
- "Father, stop this!"
- "What?"
"Quit it, Dad!"
- "What?
"What are you talking about?
"This is exactly what I'm talking about!
"The last time I reigned,
they sent the Queen
"and her best heroes!
"I get the f*cking B Squad?
"I get the loser patrol?
"Give me a break!
"You got this kid, who's
completely confused and clumsy,
"no idea what the f*ck is going on,
"the only thing special about you
"is that some god decided
you were special randomly!"
- No.
- "We got this kid
"who I can see from you shaking
in your boots right now,
"you're not clever enough for the library,
"and you're not brave
enough for the world!
"This kid, you, your father is
more man than you'll ever be,
"and I'll tell you what
else, you will only be
"a pale, soft reflection of him.
"And then this kid.
"So unlovable that your
father would rather go to hell
"than stay with you."
- Could you please stop flirting with me?
It is so—
- "Young lady—"
- You might have a jail
cell waiting for you.
Also, no offense, I'm
kind of am seeing someone.
- "I am a full-grown dragon!
"I'm going to eat you."
- Oh, my God!
- "No, no, no, no!
"You're making a sexual—"
- I'm not ready for that!
- "You're making this sexual!
"We do not have a thing!"
You see, he goes,
"This kid thinks I'm his f*cking dad."
- Are you?
- "Idiot, freak, loser!
"And a ball."
- The Ball, b*tch!
- "And I'll tell you what, Ball.
"As you know from my
binding, I was forbidden
"from harming Solisian citizens.
"Your father had to
renounce his citizenship
"when he entered the service.
"Devouring him was the greatest joy
"I have known these past 300 years."
- It's gonna feel so good when I sh**t you
with his g*dd*mn g*n!
- Adaine, you are gripped with terror.
Students, they f*cking flee, just flee,
screaming.
- f*cking pussies!
- Don't you take adventuring classes?
What is your life if not this?
- Hold on.
Yeah, thanks.
- Is this helpful?
- This is helpful.
- They knocked some fruit off the table.
- Oh, yeah, it's f*cking chaos over here.
- It does look like
a great spread of food.
- Too many bananas.
- One dude is still there milling around.
- Should I take him?
- No, just leave him.
- He passed his wisdom saving throw.
- These orcs start frantically trying
to get some more of their gear.
Actually, no, no, the orcs
fully abandon their gear.
Their gear is scattered across the stage.
- "My dad gave me this cymbal."
- That is
going to go back to Fig.
Fig, unfortunately, 18
was not high enough.
- Oh, sh*t.
- What?
- 18 was not a high enough roll;
the DC for that check was 19.
- To do what?
- f*cking kidding me?
- I am not kidding you.
After your salty barbs for Goldenhoard,
you see that he turns
to face you and goes,
"Come to think of it,
"maybe we should have a thing, you and I."
- I'm more into dwarves.
- Speaking of which, you
drop your dwarven skateboard
and flee under the frightened condition.
So you have to take a full
turn trying to escape,
that's dragon fear.
You make it all the way out
the door on your skateboard.
At the end of your turn, you
can make another saving throw.
- So, I had to use my
whole action to flee,
but now it's the end of my turn,
so I can make another saving throw?
- Your whole action was fleeing,
now you may make another
wisdom saving throw.
You're trying to get 19.
- f*ck.
I'm f*cked.
I got it!
- Are you for real?
- I got exactly 19!
- Insane!
- So, I run around
and then I'm like, "Just kidding, b*tch."
- And you do a (mimics wheels
screeching) on the skateboard.
- If somebody would like to go ahead
and put Miss Faeth over by Adaine.
- Ooh, oh I've got an idea.
- God, I love ideas.
- That is going to be now Ragh,
who's going to keep swinging at—
- So, can I not use a bonus
action or anything like that?
Or was that my whole—
- You used your bonus action to dash.
That's going to be Ragh attacking you.
What's your armor class again, man?
- 14.
- 14, okay.
He hits you for
nine damage
and then,
and that's halved.
- So, four or five?
- Sorry, it was 18.
Add to nine, then he hits
you for 13, halved to six,
and then he hits you
for 15, halved to seven.
- Okay, so 29, f*ck.
I'm at 31.
- That is going to be Gorgug.
- Damn.
I'm gonna try to get up
because I have to get out of this.
- You'd probably try to convince him,
right?
- I've zero persuasion though.
- He's stupid.
- If you wanna persuade him,
I will give you advantage
on this roll.
- Hell, yeah.
I'm gonna try to persuade him.
- "Hey," I yell from up there.
"I think he's kinda
clearly in love with Dayne!
"I think he's g*y, too,
or maybe I just think
"everyone's g*y!"
- Alright.
Ooh, 15?
- What do you say to Ragh?
- Ragh—
- Behind you.
- I'm sorry
that we k*lled your friend but
he was kind of jerk to you.
Where'd you get that black eye?
- "No, dude!
"Dayne was the best man!
"I went and told him,
'cause I talked to Jawbone,
"and he said just talk
about your feelings,
"and I told Dayne about my feelings,
"and he socked me in the face and he said
"that he wouldn't tell anybody
"so I could stay on the Owlbears."
- But he socked you in the face, right?
Look behind me.
Do you see the—
- Kiss him, Gorgug.
- He looks behind you and he goes,
"I loved Dayne."
- Told you!
- Okay, not the time, Kristen!
- Called it!
- Stop outing students!
- There's other Daynes out there.
- No, but he said I'm just
an idiot and I'm ugly.
No one's ever gonna like me.
- I'm just gonna kiss him.
- Make out, make out!
- You
pull...
- This is hot.
- My God.
You haven't kissed Zelda yet.
This is your first kiss.
- This is my second kiss.
Someone's dad kissed me or something?
- I kissed everyone.
- Kristen kissed him
and Zelda's dad kissed you.
- That's right!
- Sorry, it's your third kiss.
- Yeah.
- You pull Ragh in close,
plant a tender kiss.
"Wow, I got kissed at prom."
- I go, "Help us k*ll this dragon."
- "f*ck, yeah!
Hoot growl!
- Hoot growl!
Hoot growl!
Hoot growl!
- "Let's do it!
"I'm g*y now!"
He is filled with a sense of belonging
and a centeredness.
"f*cking out, b*tch!"
And leaps through the air at Goldenhoard.
- What an arc.
What an incredible arc.
- That was my whole turn though?
- You could either take
a movement or an action.
One of those was the persuasion check.
- I'm gonna move...
- Don't you get to take a movement
at the end of your turn anyway?
So, you should take an action.
- Yeah, you can bonus action
move towards Goldenhoard.
- Yeah, I guess I should.
I'm going to throw,
no, I'm gonna...
Can I move...
Ah, f*ck, okay.
I'm trying to figure out.
I wanna get on this side
of him and attack him.
But is that too many things?
- Of Goldenhoard?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, that's too many things.
- Okay.
- Do we have a bonus action?
- My bonus action is to move.
- So, you can move towards him.
So, you can go one,
two, three, four, five,
six, seven, eight is here.
- Okay.
- We don't all wanna
be next to each other.
- I'll just move to the side.
- Cool.
- And I'm gonna f*cking attack this dude.
Is it my full attack?
- Awesome.
- You took a bonus action
so it's just two attacks.
- Okay.
11.
- Believe it or not?
- Oh, no.
- 12.
- Cling-clang!
"Ohoho, little loser
listening to his music
"wants to strike Kalvaxis!"
- I guess.
- He's not wearing any armor, though.
Just kidding, I'm just kidding.
- Emily, I sometimes can't tell
when you're really f*cking
with me or not, okay?
It's so hard to remember all the rules!
It's so hard!
That is going to be Penelope Everpetal.
- b*tch.
- We're wasting time
with all these dummies
but they're gonna k*ll us—
- At least Dayne's
out of the way.
- Yeah, seriously,
it's helpful.
But there's a freaking dragon.
Oh, no!
- sh*t.
- She teleports to the top of the—
- Of balloons?
- Of the balloons.
She's goes, "Yeah.
"I can stand on balloons because,
"I don't know, I did a whole
30 and I did some other stuff
"that's gotten me, I'm slimmed down,
"it's for prom, 'cause
this dress was my mom's."
- Okay.
- Shut up!
- You see Penelope—
- She cast two spells in a turn?
- Hmm?
- She can cast two spells?
- Oh!
Sorry, I f*cked up!
Yeah, she just misty-stepped.
She is going to...
- Nice.
- Rules lawyer, you did it!
Yeah, she hops up there, that is her turn.
That's her whole turn.
That's going to be Riz; go
ahead and roll for police,
and 18, 19 or 20's gonna do it.
- C'mon!
- A one!
- Nat one, no worries.
- They went to Mumple.
"There's a prom, right?"
- It's your turn, Riz!
- Okay.
Okay, she is not near any of my friends
so I can't do any of my cool stuff.
But we gotta take her out.
But we also have this huge dragon.
So,
I am just going to, I guess,
run to the side of the stage
and then I'll just take
my attack on Kalvaxis.
- You're gonna run over here?
- Yeah, so that I can hide
as a bonus action at the end of my turn.
- Cool.
- Okay.
So, I'm just gonna sh**t at him.
That is a 22 to hit?
- 22 does it.
- Dope.
C'mon, yeah!
Not great but fine.
Four, eight, 12.
13,
18,
24 damage, and I'm also
gonna do fury of the small
for another eight; 32 damage.
- Jesus Christ!
- Nice.
- And then I use my bonus action to hide.
- Cool, go ahead and make it.
- Not great.
Not great.
15.
15 high.
- You take out your father's g*n, blam!
b*llet (makes squelching
noise), hits into Kalvaxis,
"Ow, what the f*ck?"
He lashes out.
What is your armor class?
- 16.
- Cool.
- sh*t.
- f*ck.
- Oh, no.
- Why do you need more dice?
- And deals you 15 points
of damage with his tail.
Bam!
- I'm at 20.
- Okay, that is going to be Fabian.
- Alright.
What are the chances of running,
vaulting off of the drums
and grabbing onto the sign
to pull the balloons
down with my own weight?
- I would say
that's a pretty good chance.
That's an insane jump, you
do have sneakers of dunking.
Let's call that a DC...
I'll sit that at a DC 20, DC 20.
- Acrobatics or athletics?
- This is athletics.
- Great.
21.
- Off
of the drum, boom, kah!
Wham!
You grab this and oop!
Her scepter just shattered.
- f*ck yeah, it did!
- And you pull the balloons
all the way to the ground.
She is gonna make an acrobatics check.
Nat 20.
- Oh, sh*t.
- f*ck.
- She leaps off of the
balloons as you pull them off
and lands here on the stairs.
And you're down here,
that's your movement.
You have an action if you'd like it.
- I'm gonna crossbow her
and then I call for the
Hangman to come to my friends
here at the front of the—
- Ooh, hell, yeah!
- Of the gym.
- Hell, yeah, go ahead and make your roll.
- Great.
So, first attack,
16?
- 16 is not gonna do
it, she throws a shield
up in front of herself.
- Great, second one.
17.
- 17's gonna do it.
- Yes!
- Mm!
- And that'll be nine damage.
- She is looking hurt, g*ng.
The Hangman rushes,
over to the front.
At the end of Fabian's turn—
- And I command for it to
follow any instructions
they give it.
- At the end of Fabian's turn,
Gorgug, you are also hit
by Goldenhoard's tail,
which deals 20 halved to 10 damage.
- Alright, I'm at 21.
- That is going to be Adaine.
Adaine, you have failed—
- I have to make
a wisdom saving throw, right?
- Yeah, also, your panic attack sets in.
You're gonna make this
roll with disadvantage.
- Great.
Good.
But I still have a plus
one to saves, right?
- Yeah, you do.
- f*ck.
Nine,
14.
- 14 does not do it.
- f*ck.
- Adaine turns,
feeling suddenly for all the world
just
impossible for you to
comprehend, this is crazy,
you should be in a library,
you shouldn't have been here,
this is a mistake, it doesn't matter,
you can't be the elven oracle,
there's no way you could be,
it's impossible, it's all a mistake,
there's a f*cking dragon,
and you sprint into the yard.
That is going to be...
You feel awful for abandoning your friends
but what can you do?
You're having trouble breathing,
tears are flowing down your face.
That is going to be Kristen's turn.
- Is there a way for me while flying
to hide in a blind spot?
- Like up in the rafters?
- Kind of, but near Goldenhoard,
but without him knowing that I'm there.
- You could try to make a hide check.
- I have a shitty question
that is bad for all of us
but I also wanna play the game right.
- Yeah.
- I am afraid.
Do I have concentration?
- You feel the fly spell end on you.
- Oh, okay, cool.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay.
Okay, then I am going to—
- Also he found me
and I'm aerobic.
- At least you weren't
in the air.
- Yeah, at least you landed.
- Dragons, notoriously perceptive.
- Right.
- True.
- We all knew that.
- Okay.
So, who's really low, health-wise?
- Me and Gorgug—
- I'm at 21.
- But he's gonna get hit
more than I am, probably.
This guy's been attacking on our turns.
I think when it's his turn,
it's gonna be real f*cking bad.
- Okay.
So, I have...
- He hasn't even like attacked yet.
- I can do, let's see, okay yeah.
I'll do preserve life,
which will just get you up to,
would give you up to 40.
- Oh, dope.
- You've already done
preserve life.
- You've already done it.
- I get two.
- Oh, you get two!
Yep, you can do it again.
- Oh, yeah.
So, you would just give
me up to 40 points?
- Well, what do you have?
- I'm at 20, so I'm
less than my half, too.
- Okay, so I can give each of you 20?
Or I can give you 10 and him 30.
- That's great.
- Yeah, do that.
- Okay 10 and 30 and then I also get some.
- Get that damn right, dude.
- At the end of Kristen's turn,
Goldenhoard hits you for—
- Oh, and I run to there
but he can probably
still reach me.
- Actually he can't!
- I was gonna run towards her to fight—
- Oh, to fight Penelope, gotcha.
- We got her.
- This b*tch, hit her.
- Goldenhoard is instead, going to deal—
- Oh, f*ck!
- sh*t!
- Is going to deal 18,
so nine damage to Gorgug.
- Okay.
- Then it is Goldenhoard's turn.
- God.
- 42.
- Okay.
- Hey, I'm 43.
For once.
- We need something,
powerful something.
- What is this?
- Oh, no.
- Why do you need this triangle?
- Cause of the fire breath.
- Yeah.
That's gonna do it.
- Does Penelope get hit?
- Let me see.
I think, actually, no, he can hit...
Yeah, he can hit just
these two and not Penelope
by moving up and getting his
mouth just where he needs it.
I'm going to need Kristen and Fabian
to make dexterity saving throws.
- Oh, that's Ragh.
- That's Ragh!
Sorry!
I am incorrect, that was Ragh.
- Thank God.
- Yeah!
- I was like, Jesus Christ!
I'm hiding behind the stage.
- I need Kristen to make
a dexterity saving throw.
- Oh, great.
I have negative three on dex so,
I didn't mean for that
to count but it did.
Four, but I get human determination,
I can do one advantage?
- You wanna do advantage?
You can do it.
- I guess.
- Go for it.
Yeah.
- I'm done.
- Okay.
Hold on one sec, guys.
- Oh!
- Oh, my God!
- I'm down.
I'm absolutely down.
- I got faith, dude.
- Damn!
A four and a two!
- That's truly some of the worst luck.
- Oh, my God.
- It's like a g*dd*mn maraca.
- You know she's just down, right?
We don't need to count
'em all up?
- This could actually
permanently k*ll Kristen
if it does her full hit point total.
- What's your full hit?
- 70.
- Minus whatever you have now.
- He would need to do a
125 damage to k*ll you.
- This is gonna be six,
12,
18,
24,
28,
32,
36,
38,
44,
52.
- That's how much he's healing her for?
- Yeah.
- She loves fire.
- You have any resistance to fire?
- 64.
66 damage.
- I'm down.
- Down but not dead.
- Unreal.
- That's bad.
- 66?
- And Ragh is down as well.
So Ragh turns around, rushing
at Goldenhoard victoriously.
Goldenhoard turns around and says,
"I want to be very clear.
"I have no problem with your sexuality.
"This is not—"
- h*m*!
- "It's not a h*m* thing!"
- You hit both of the g*y ones!
- Oh, wow!
- "Honestly, to be clear,
I am very socially liberal;
"I am fiscally conservative."
- Oh, bullshit!
- "What, I'm a libertarian!"
"I am a libertarian!"
- Of course you're a libertarian!
- So convenient for you!
- "What?
"Everyone should be free
to do what they want!
"I should be free to
collect gold and destroy
"and you should be free
to try and run away!
"This is a cogent political philosophy!"
Ragh is down.
- I'm down for hearing that.
- Kristen is down, that
is going to be Fig.
- Okay.
So, I'm within, 'cause she only runs 30,
right, you only run 30?
- Yeah.
- So, can I look back at her and...
Do I have any sense of if
I cast charm person on her
that it would get her out of her fear?
- Don't you have something
that gives people
resistance to it?
- Counter-charm.
- I guess that's within 30 feet
but I feel like, well,
could I start playing it
and then also get on the
bike and then go to Kristen?
- You would have to either go after Adaine
or go after Kristen.
- Yeah.
- I can get Kristen.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah.
- I don't know if on this turn,
but I have my healer's kit,
I can get her up to one
if she can heal herself.
- Okay.
In that case, I guess that,
well, I wanted to get closer
to the drums, but—
- I can also do that.
I mean, I'm only gonna
be able to get her—
- Why don't you just give
me some bardic inspiration?
- Okay, here's what I'm going to do.
The bike hasn't taken
its action yet, right?
- Correct.
- So, I'm gonna say, hey, drive me out,
we're gonna pick up Adaine
and then come back in.
And then I'm playing on the bike.
I'm playing counter charm on the bike.
- You rush after Adaine on the
bike, you make it to Adaine.
Go ahead and give me a
perception check real quick.
It's a DC 10.
- I got a four.
- Oh, you don't notice it.
- Cool—
- So, I'm playing counter charm and I'm
getting her onto the thing
and then do we come back in?
'Cause I told the bike to come back in.
- You're gonna have to
make a grapple check
'cause Adaine's trying to
flee as hard as possible.
- Yeah, I'll grapple her.
- You and Adaine,
make opposed athletics checks.
- Did you make your check?
- For that last turn, yeah.
- What is it, athletics?
I got 16.
- I did not get a 16.
- You hoist Adaine onto
the bike and turn around.
- And now that we have counter charms,
she'll have—
- Advantage.
- You'll have advantage on—
- Great.
- You make it back
to the door—
- And I also wink at her
and give her bardic inspiration.
- Thank you.
- All great things.
- All great things.
At the end of Fig's turn.
- What is this sh*t?
- These are called legendary actions.
- Cool.
- What are we talking about?
- As reactions on our turn.
- Dude, we need to get
your mom in here, stat.
And your dad.
- Riz, you take 12 points of damage.
- Oh, sh*t.
I want to uncanny dodge.
- Cool, that goes down to six.
- Okay.
- sh*t, I should have used
that before, I'm such an idiot.
- That is going to now be Gorgug.
- Okay.
Can I make an insight check to know that,
I'm just trying to have a sense of
if I play the drums, 'cause
I have that proficiency,
if I have to be holding the ruby or not.
- No, you don't have
to be holding the ruby.
Not the way Fig did it the first time.
- I'm gonna run towards the drums
and try to play them.
- You rush towards the drums,
you get an attack of
opportunity from Kalvaxis
who hits you for
18 halved to nine points of damage,
and you make it to the drums.
What are you gonna do
as you get to the drums?
- I have that proficiency
to play the drums.
- I will allow you to...
You're in a rage, right?
- Yes.
- Here's the thing.
- And I'm listening to these tunes, man.
- Normally performances
are charisma check.
But you're listening
to some f*cking slash,
cut, thrash,
butt-hurt,
smash, dash metal.
I will allow you to
make a performance check
using strength as the ability and not...
It's a DC 20.
It's proficiency plus strength.
So, it's gonna be four
plus 17 to beat a 20.
- I did not do it.
- f*ck.
- You start,
you see Kalvaxis goes, "Alright!
"This kid likes to get his
a*s beat to a soundtrack!"
- That's not what I meant!
- That is going to be—
- I have good performance.
I could go do it.
- At the end
of Gorgug's turn—
- It's just you're so far.
- I know, but we got the bike.
- Yeah.
- Riz, you get hit for another
11, 19 points of damage.
- f*ck!
- What?
- I'm at five.
- Can you uncanny dodge that?
- I can't,
I used a reaction already.
- You see Kalvaxis looks
at Penelope and goes,
"Find out why he's playing those drums!"
You see that Penelope casts
detect thoughts on herself.
- Can't he not
be charmed, though?
- Hmm?
- Would that be a charm?
- Nope, not a charm.
- Oh, okay.
- Divination.
- Keep on listening to that music, man!
- Oh, yeah.
Put those headphones on.
- I got 'em.
- At the end of Penelope
Everpetal's turn...
- Oh, there's still this dude at,
I don't know if—
- He's milling around.
- Oh, yeah,
he's going for the dude.
- Okay, good.
- You see he's going, man, he's like,
"f*cked up, guys, for real, f*cked up.
"Best of luck, dude.
"Ooh, beignets, what?"
- Ooh, beignets!
- You're still notice
and you haven't fully cased
the whole table yet?
- "Dude, it's f*cked, dude!
"Oh, my God, look, they have prawns, dude!
"They have shrimp at the end and prawns!"
- At this point, you should
have seen all the food!
- Riz, you take
17 points of damage.
- Again?
- You injure Kalvaxis the worst
at the end of Penelope's
turn, he hits you,
bam, bam, bam.
- All right I'm dead.
- We haven't even hurt him yet.
- No, you've hurt him.
- I hit him.
- The shot to the back
from Riz was not nothing.
Riz, I'm going to need a
death saving throw from you.
- Two.
- Do you make a police check anyway?
- Yeah, make a police check.
- That'd be great.
- 17.
- 12!
- That is going to be
Fabian.
- Okay.
The Hangman's been used, right?
- No, that was his last turn.
- Hangman's being used by Fig.
- That was his last turn.
- The Hangman is now going on Fig's turn.
- Oh, gotcha.
- Great, fantastic.
In that case,
I would love to run up the
the handrail
versus the stairs,
and attempt to grab,
grab the
the ruby around her
neck and then vault off.
- Hell, yeah, go ahead and give me
an acrobatics check.
- 11.
- Re-roll it.
Use one of your luckies.
- Oh, I don't know.
- You take a little bit
of falling damage.
- I'll take the falling damage.
- Cool.
You take four points of falling damage.
- Great.
- Go ahead and make
an opposed athletics to grab the ruby.
You gotta beat a seven here.
- Handedly.
- You snatch the ruby, she
says, "Stop f*cking with me!
"What's your deal?
- Shut the f*ck up!
Can I jump on the other side?
- This is wall.
- Okay, great.
- Where do you wanna head—
- Wanna grab me?
- Can I grab her?
- I don't think there's
anyone who can heal me, right?
- Fig can, I think.
- Just Fig.
- Okay.
- I'd like to land as close
to the stage as possible.
- You can land on the stage.
Bam, right here.
- Oh, great.
- Can I land behind the stage?
- You can land behind the stage, yeah.
- Can I get half cover?
- You can get half cover.
- Great.
- Cool.
- And then I'd like to second wind.
- Go for it.
Adaine, as you are rushing forward,
Fig, rushing on your way back,
hold on a second.
You see not in a palimpsest,
chunky cardigan, swinging behind him,
you see Jawbone
rushing up to you.
- Jawbone!
- Spectacles
on his thing, he goes,
"I heard there was trouble!
"What's going on?"
He looks at you in your eyes.
What do you say to Jawbone?
- It's really bad!
- So, he looks at you and goes,
"Jesus Christ.
"Is this some kind of dragon fear here?"
He goes, "Wait a minute.
"Adaine, look at me straight.
"Answer me honestly now.
"Do you have panics attacks a lot?
"Do you feel your breath
kinda catch up in your...
"Yeah?
"Did your parents give
you anything for that?"
- My parents just left and
I don't know where they are.
- He goes, "God," and he gives
you a big, warm, furry hug,
You see he goes, "Alright," you hear
He goes, "Listen to me, alright,
"you listen to me right here.
"Having panic attacks, that
is not a character flaw,
"you understand?
"You are not a coward, you have
a g*dd*mn medical condition,
"alright?
"I was in a truck stop
bathroom sucking off
"a border patrol 'cause
I was trying to sneak
"an iguana to my friend's place.
"He had a c*ck ring, alright?
"I had to get it to him 'cause the thing
"had been slit, stuffed up full of drugs
"and sewn back together,
you understand me?"
- No!
- "Now, this guy,
"he had venereal disease,
he had warts all over him
"but I was so drunk at that
point, I didn't give a sh*t.
"I sucked him off anyway,
you understand me?"
- No!
- "But the point is this.
"Warts are not who that guy is!
"He's sick!
"He wouldn't say, oh, I'm a bad person
"'cause I have warts on my c*ck
"and a little bit on my ba*ls!
"He wouldn't say that!
"You're not a coward, Adaine!
"You're sick, you just need medicine.
"You gotta come and talk to
me, this is my job, goddammit!"
He reaches into his cardigan,
pulls out a little
thing of pills, he goes,
"I was gonna sell this
"to a guy."
"To a guy I know
"who one time stabbed me in
the middle of an orgy, okay?
"These are for you, these
are anxiety meds, alright?
"There is no shame in
having mental illness.
"I'm sorry your parents didn't
take care of this before,
"you are a good wizard, you are not wrong
"for having panic attacks,
you understand me?
"Now go ahead, take as
many of these as you want,
"we'll cure the poison damage later,
"just f*cking huck down a bunch of these
"'cause these are gonna
start working right away,
"you understand me?
"Dosage is important.
"I wanna underline it,
dosage is important.
"You need to listen to
your doctor but right now,
"there's a dragon who's
come back to end the world,
"so we're just gonna have you
hork a couple of these down,
"you understand me?
"You're a good kid."
He hands you these.
- Really glad you're
our guidance counselor.
- He says, "Did your house burn down?
"If you wanna come stay with
me and Tracker, that's fine."
Go ahead and put anxiety
meds in your inventory
and go ahead, you no longer
will roll disadvantage
on fear checks.
You can go ahead, you have
the bardic inspiration here.
- And she has advantage.
- And you have advantage.
- 20.
- The fear melts away from you.
- Nice.
- Go knock 'em dead, kid.
- Is he coming?
- Is he coming?
- You see he says,
"Hell, yeah, I'm coming!
"I came here to f*ck sh*t
up and help children."
- Jawbone rules.
I'm so glad we helped to
get his life together.
- Jawbone gets it.
Jawbone's life was f*cked
up 'cause he had lycanthrope
but he had no health insurance
and then he got this job.
They gave him health insurance.
- Can Jawbone heal?
- Jawbone cannot heal.
- Just of the mind.
He's just a healer of the mind and soul.
- A healer of the
mind and the soul, exactly!
He's just a good damn
guidance counselor, alright?
- Jawbone will rush in after you.
Adaine, go ahead and tell me,
what does Adaine do on her return?
- I would love to do an
arcana check on this f*ck.
This absolute f*cking unit
in the middle of the—
- You unit!
- You absolute unit!
- f*cking unit!
- Give me an arcana check.
- Ah, sh*t, 12?
- 12 doesn't give you
anything on Kalvaxis.
You don't know that there's
that much to get, even.
But with a 12, I can
remind you of something.
- Please.
- You remember what happened to Fig
when she had detect thoughts
active on your jacket?
- Let's trap him in the jacket!
Trap him in the jacket!
- 12 is not a huge hint but Penelope
has detect thoughts active
and anyone who's detecting thoughts
in the presence of your jacket
detects millions of thoughts
from the civilization
inside the dimensional space
of your coat.
- Get close.
- Yeah.
- Let's head towards Penelope.
- Yeah, I mean, is she
controlling the thing?
The motorcycle or no?
- I think you're controlling it.
- I am, okay, I gotcha.
- And then can I,
can I cast a spell?
- Yeah, go for it.
- I would like
to cast ray of frost on Kalvaxis.
It's just a cantrip, it's
2d8 of frosted damage.
- Mm-hm.
Hell, yeah.
- Do you need some D8's?
- I just need two.
There we go.
- Cool!
So, do you roll attack or anything or no?
- It's ray of frost.
- I do.
Ranged spell attack.
- Go ahead and roll
me a ranged spell attack.
- I got a 22.
- Hell, yeah, you hit.
Go for it.
- Five!
- Give me one more arcana check.
- Great.
- Cool.
- Nine.
- You see,
the ray of frost scours him,
he turns back around and says,
"What are you doing back here?
"You were running away terrified!
"Oh, very mature!
"Aren't you supposed to be
some kind of highfalutin elf?"
- I'm a child!
You're attacking a bunch
of children, you coward!
- Be careful, Adaine, he has
a taste for the young ones.
- I have a mental illness!
And that's fine!
- You see he goes,
"Alright, let's not turn this
"into a f*cking PSA
afterschool special bullshit!
"God, I don't have to
work at a school anymore!"
Cool!
That's Adaine, that's gonna be Kristen.
- I'm gonna go.
- Make that save.
- Nice.
- 15.
- Great.
- Whoo!
- If we by any chance get a chance
to seal him in something,
we gotta seal him
to be the next lunch lad.
And then promote Gilear
to be the Vice Principal.
- Yes.
- Is it his turn?
- It is Goldenhoard's turn.
- Oh, sh*t.
- Oh, no.
- "This isn't a sexual thing!
"I'm just evil, alright?"
- Then why is your d*ck out?
- "My d*ck happens to be
extremely internal as a reptile!"
- No, I can see it and it
looks really big and throbbing.
It's gross!
- "It would've been neater
"if you said it was small
and weird, so thank you,
"even though it's not—"
- No, because it's hard
because you're turned on by us children!
- "Shut the f*ck up!"
- Like a little dog, red rocket.
- Ew!
- Okay.
- A little bit of lipstick.
- Okay.
Adaine, you take
11 points of damage.
- Wait, I would like
to cast shield as a,
as a reaction shot?
Can I do that?
- You may absolutely do that
and it bypasses it, he
crushes your shield.
- Alright, 11?
- 11.
Fig, you take first 12
and then,
22 points of damage.
- 22 total?
- No, so 34.
- Is this fire?
- It's not fire.
He descends on
you with claws and bites,
"Stop making fun of me!
"Teens, you're so mean!"
- Yeah, but at least we're not ugly!
This medicine is great!
- That is going to be Fig.
- Okay.
So, I'm gonna use a full turn to retreat.
- You can
take a disengage action.
- A disengage but do I
still have a bonus action
if I will disengage?
- Yeah, disengage is an action.
- Okay.
Well, actually is this the bike's turn?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you can use the bike.
So, the bike can take a
disengage and then move,
I think 80.
- Okay, so,
one, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight,
nine, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15,
16, so we can get to here?
- Mm-hm.
- Can you jump?
- So, we get to here.
I'm going to jump off
and then I'll take my,
I'll take one, two, three, four, five,
I think I can get to the drums.
So, I'll just get to the drums
and I'm gonna healing word Riz.
- Thank you.
- For
I'm gonna do a, 'cause
it's a bonus action,
I'm gonna do a second level,
so I'll healing word him for
six plus eight, 14.
- Thank you!
- Then we can keep calling the cops!
- Call the cops!
- Cool.
That's Fig's turn, that's awesome.
Gorgug, that's you, baby.
- 'Kay.
- You can make another
performance check if you want
or you can—
- Would that be my action if I did?
- That could be your
movement if you'd like.
Movement or action.
- Do it!
- f*ck it, you've got strength.
- We f*cking need
Gorthalax so bad right now.
- Alright, I'm just gonna do that then.
- And you got an advantage.
- I feel bad.
I look at Fig, get some inspiration
from her musical knowledge.
- Yes!
- Nat 20!
- Nat 20.
You see Fig rushing to you,
You were a loner and a freak and a loser
and this f*cking badass cool rocker
invited you to join her band?
There is no way you are
going to f*ck this solo up.
- You got this, dude.
Just do it like we do it in band practice!
- Alright.
The drums f*cking come apart.
Gorthalax.
Bling, bling, bling, bling!
"Sweetie, did you send me some texts?"
- Yeah, I thought you were f*cking Mom,
but you were in a ruby.
- "Oh, we f*cked."
- Oh, okay.
- "But she explained
"that there wasn't gonna
be anything more than that,
"and that's sort of what...
"Holy sh*t!
"Kalvaxis!
"You're here!"
See him,
"Gorthalax!"
He says, "Oh,"
You see he goes, "Oh,
Goldenhoard, Kalvaxis, what?
"That's honestly nuts!
"Why are you guys partially singed?"
- Because he's been attacking us, Dad!
- You see that Gorthalax looks up
as Kalvaxis rears his
head around and goes—
- Also, Dad, he kind of used
to come onto me all the time.
- That's true.
- An upside down pentagram of flame glows
in Gorthalax's head.
"You made a promise to care for children!
"You know where bad dudes
go!"
An ax made of fire,
a f*cking sick guitar appears in his hand.
"It's time to shred, baby!"
Cool!
- Do I still have my—
- You have your action, yes, go for it.
- Play the drums more and go full band
on that f*cking stage!
- Instead...
- Rather!
- Can I use my bonus action
to move towards Penelope
as close as I can get?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Alright, if I can't get to
her, I might not be able to.
- One, two, three,
four, five, six, seven, eight.
You are just out of reach.
- I'm just gonna hit her
in the face with a fire b*mb.
- Oh, sh*t!
- Sick.
- What do I roll for that?
- You can automatically just do it.
- Okay, I'm gonna do that.
So, 6d6.
- Hell, yeah.
- Oh, my goodness, Gorgug.
- You need one more?
- I need one more.
- What if we all give him our d6s
when he rubs fire b*mb?
It's symbolic.
- Ooh!
- 20.
- 20.
- Penelope looks on the verge of death.
You see that her gown
lights on fire and is burned to shreds.
She's covered in ash.
- Can I frenzy and throw
another b*mb?
- Ha!
- No, used your bonus action
to do the orc's aggression.
She looks at you and goes,
"My f*cking dress!
"You've ruined prom,
what is wrong with you?"
- I ruined prom?
- That is going to be
Penelope's turn.
- f*ck.
- Let me see here.
- Oh, sh*t.
- Can't she see me?
'Cause I did hide.
- You did hide.
- I'm gonna roll perception for her.
She cannot see you.
- Great.
- Okay.
- Wow, thanks, The Ball.
Take one for the team!
- I'm a g*dd*mn rogue.
I cannot get hit.
- I'm gonna need Fabian, Gorgug and Fig
to all make dexterity saving throws.
- Do I
have some kind of
advantage for some reason?
- 17.
- f*ck.
- Is this psychic damage?
- It's fire, you do have resistance to it.
- Okay.
I only got a 10.
- I got a nat 20!
- Cool, dope.
- Hell, yeah.
- That's gonna be
eight, 11 is 19, 24,
31,
36.
What'd you get?
- 17.
- What'd you get?
- 10.
- You take a full 36 damage.
- f*ck.
- I'm at six.
- You take a full 36 damage,
you each take 18 damage.
- But wouldn't I then half that again?
- So, you take nine damage.
- Okay.
Minus nine.
- At the end of Penelope's turn, you go
five, 10, 15, 20, 25, 30, 35, 40
to here.
And then Penelope's gonna go,
one, two, three, four, five, six.
She's gonna make a little
acrobatics check to get up there.
Which she succeeds on.
That is going to be Riz, go
ahead and roll for police?
16 or higher does it.
- Come on.
Nine.
Can I sh**t Penelope from here?
I probably could get closer.
- Would we be able to bless you
or bardic inspiration
for police in the future?
- That'd be dope.
- I haven't had a bonus action
to give any more Bardic.
- I mean, I would heal...
- Yeah, I don't know if I can get,
we gotta get rid of her if
she's right here next to her.
- Right.
- Okay, I am going to
I guess just run around back near Fabian.
- Okay.
One, two, three,
four, five, six, that's your movement.
- Okay, and then try to sh**t Penelope.
- Okay.
What's your range on that?
- Short bow, so it should be like—
- 80?
- 80 to...
- Yep she's in range, go for it.
- Whew, c'mon.
Only 14.
- Not gonna do it.
- Great, good.
Cool, then I am going to,
I'd like to take cover by
the stage and then also hide.
- Okay.
- Nat 20 on a hide.
- Cool.
- Great, thanks for
the f*cking nat 20 now.
- You disappear.
That is going to be
Jawbone.
You hear him say, "Hey, as*h*le!
"Thanks for the job!
"Now it's time for you
to f*cking lose your job!
"I haven't been mean in so long.
"I used to be very mean,
I could say scary sh*t.
"Whatever."
- I believe in you, Jawbone!
- "Hey, thanks, kid, you're alright!"
He rushes,
he's going to take a leap up.
He's gonna make an athletics check
and leaps up and begins
crawling up Goldenhoard's back.
- Beat us to the punch.
- Jawbone is god.
- That is going to be Fabian.
- Can I make a perception check to see
if I think that Gorthalax
is going to fly at
Kalvaxis?
- Make an insight check.
- 16.
- Looks like he's gonna play some music.
- Oh, okay, great.
Then I would like to action surge,
yeah,
I'd like to dash up to
Penelope
and vault, running up the,
not the normal stairs,
but of course the handrail.
- Give me an acrobatics check?
- What're you doing under there?
12?
- 12 is not gonna cut it.
- Don't you have advantage
on athletics?
- You said acrobatics?
- Acrobatics.
- Yeah.
- 12 is not gonna do it.
Give me a dexterity saving throw DC 15.
- Done.
- You slip off the
handrails, grab onto here
and end your movement there.
You have your action left.
- I'd like to hand crossbow
from the railing.
- Hand crossbow from the
rail, yes, go for it.
Make your attack.
- Great.
- 24?
- Great.
- 24 hits.
- Great and then
And then 12.
- 12 miss but 24 hits.
- Great and then
nine.
- Penelope takes the bolt.
"All I wanted to be was Queen."
- We know.
I'm dead.
- Oh, my God!
- And she falls.
Penelope is no more.
- Can she flop over the top
of the ledge dramatically?
- Falls, bam,
lands on Ragh and Dayne!
They're all on a little pile together!
- That's so sweet!
- Wow, the love triangle!
We've all been waiting for.
- All the cool kids
you met in the entryway
on your first day are dead at your hands!
- In a big pile!
- In a big pile!
- Well, Ragh we only led into death.
- Into death.
- Can I call for the
Hangman to fly beneath me
when it has the chance?
- Yes.
- I think I'm on the Hangman.
- Oh, you're on it, okay.
- And it's also on Fig's turn.
- It's actually, now
it's on Adaine's turn.
- Oh, okay.
- Give me my motorcycle back.
- Cool.
That is Fabian, then
it's going to be Adaine.
- I would like to do another arcana check
to see if I can figure out
what the f*ck is going on.
- Mm-hm.
- 20, not nat 20 but 20.
- Just a 20?
- Just!
- Measly.
- No, 20 is good.
You think the situation is as it stands.
This is a dragon you are fighting.
- f*ck.
Okay, then I
will...
Can I take the bike to the
side of the stage so I'm...
- Over here?
- A little bit covered?
- Mm-hm, yeah, for sure.
- 'Cause I'm undercover.
And then
I will cast lightning bolt at him again.
- Hell, yeah.
- Dope.
- So, it's a dexterity
saving throw, DC 15.
And I would like to give him my nine.
My divination roll.
- Nice.
- Ooh!
Hold on one second.
You give him your nine,
yes, go for it!
Go ahead and roll!
- I need four so I can do this thing.
'Cause it's an eight.
It's an eight.
Six plus five, 11.
Oh, my God.
Why am I so bad at math?
- 15.
- 11 plus 15, so 26.
- 26 damage?
- Yeah.
- Homeboy takes that whole thing.
26.
Adaine, you raise your hand aloft,
feeling completely yourself, strong,
you hear behind you, "This
was meant to happen,"
and you see a vision
of it before it happens
and it happens exactly as you saw it.
- Well, you could've told
me before this very moment!
- "I was dead!"
- Who was that?
- Oracle.
- You scour Kalvaxis
across his chest.
"My suit!
"Well, it's pretty ruined
already but f*ck you!
"God!
"It's hard with these
claws, I only have four,
"there's no middle one."
He looks injured, that
looks like it f*cked him up!
That is now,
going to Adaine, Kristen,
I'm gonna need you to
make a death saving throw.
- Oh, yeah, you got it.
12.
- Okay, great, great.
- Does that count?
- That does count
- That's a good one, yeah.
- And if this happens then I'm up to one?
- Then you're just, no,
you're just stabilized.
- Okay.
- Stabilized, yeah.
You see—
- Oh, wait, the bike hasn't gone yet.
- Oh!
The bike goes over the Fabian, yes.
You are standing here.
You see that
Gorthalax goes ahead and (mimics
electronic guitar warble)
hits a chord on his guitar,
he does something,
strands of demonic music.
- Nice, Dad!
- He hits that chord.
Holy sh*t!
And you see that Kalvaxis
becomes almost inured
to the spell, wait, what'd
you roll your arcana?
- 20.
- You know something about dragons
which is that something this powerful can
brute force through its innate magic,
a couple of resistances to spells,
meaning he has a number of times
that he can just not be affected.
You see that Gorthalax,
and hits
some kind of spell at Kalvaxis
that Kalvaxis uses his innate
draconic ability to avoid.
- sh*t.
- That is going to be
Goldenhoard.
- On the stairs.
- Can I use luck?
- Oh, sh*t.
- To make him re-roll that attack roll?
- It's not an attack roll.
- Okay.
It's not an attack roll.
Jesus Christ!
- Don't do it to us!
Dude, it's just this guy over here.
- Get this guy
over here, the f*cking sh*t!
He's probably really rude to him in class.
- He's going here.
I'm going to need - he moves.
- I am
likely going down.
- I am going to need Riz,
Fig and Adaine
to make dexterity saving throws.
- Riz, even though he's fully hidden?
- Mm-hm.
- 12.
- 20, not nat.
- f*cking 12.
- Okay.
- This is f*cked.
- These are the only two people
who could heal.
- Yeah, we're dead.
We're just dead.
- I mean, if he got hit by 11,
but at least they'll have him cheap.
- Five, 10, 12.
- Those are the number of dice?
- Yeah.
- God.
- 26, 29, 39.
- This many dice?
No, I'm f*cked.
- AC doesn't matter for this?
Oh, my God!
- All of you...
You failed your save at 20.
- I did?
- Really?
- You take a full 48 points of damage.
- Okay.
- You take
24 points of damage.
- Cool, I'm down.
- You take 24 points of damage.
- I'm down.
- f*ck.
- I'm on 11, baby.
- Ah, goddammit.
- That is going to be
Fig, death saving throw, please.
- Okay.
- Adaine, are you still standing?
- Yeah.
- What's that?
- 15.
- 15?
Okay.
That is going to be Gorgug.
- Oh, wait, since I got hit,
can I at least die
doing my hellish rebuke?
- Sure, is it fire damage?
- Yeah.
- He's immune to it.
He's completely immune to fire damage.
- Okay.
- You can do it.
"My tie!"
"You've burned my tie!"
That is going to be Gorgug.
- I mean, I don't even know what to do.
Can I just do a
an unchecked medicine save on Kristen?
- She's still gonna be at zero.
She only needs one more save
to get back up.
- And then you'll only be
at zero?
f*ck, I don't even—
- Gotta make the call, man.
- I'm gonna run behind him.
Use my bonus action.
- Well, yeah.
You can get over here.
- I'm just gonna f*cking hit him a bunch.
- Yeah, hit him a bunch.
- Hit him a bunch, dude!
- Alright.
- Freak out!
- Yeah.
So, 22.
- That'll do it.
- 14.
- That'll do it.
- Really?
- I'm sorry,
14 does not do it.
- Okay, and then 27.
- Two of them hit.
- Okay.
So, 13,
and nine, so 22.
- And nine, gotcha.
You start laying into him.
As you see Jawbone
going, "Hell, yeah, kid,
"give it to him!"
He goes, "Stop cutting my
leg, you little freak!"
And he's going to, at
the end of your turn—
- I'm gonna be down at this.
- Hit you for
seven plus eight is 15 so
seven points of damage.
- Okay, I'm gonna use relentless endurance
to stay up at one.
- He, boom, hits you,
you have blood coming
from your nose and
eyes, you stand back up.
That is going to be Riz,
give me a death saving throw.
- Three!
- Did you get the police?
- Roll for police.
- Guys, I can't roll above a 10,
how am I gonna roll 15?
Seven.
- You can!
- You can, man!
- You can roll it.
- You can crit
any time you want.
- You guys see on
Jawbone's turn, he
crawls into Goldenhoard's mouth,
and you see Goldenhoard, he goes like,
"Get outta there, get outta there!"
And he cannot bite through
Jawbone, he's like,
"Shoulda gotten some
silver fillings, b*tch!
"Whoo!"
- Jawbone is so cool.
- Jawbone's like, "Alright,
while he's chewing on me,
"I'm gonna try to get in deeper,
"see if I can plug the fire up!"
- Man, when I grow up, I wanna be
a guidance counselor!
- That's insane, Jawbone!
I love it!
- Everything he said is wild!
- He forces himself
deeper into the dragon's mouth,
Fabian, that's you.
- How far away is the hospital?
- Extremely far.
- Great.
- We're gonna try to get Dr. Osha
or whatever?
- I thought about it!
- Dr. Asha!
- I was gonna send the Hangman to drive
and get Dr Asha.
- If I wake up at the hospital,
and Dr. Asha I'll be like,
"I'll come clean, it was me."
- I would like to
run
along
the banister of this catwalk up here
and leap onto his wings.
- Hell, yeah.
Go ahead and give me an athletics check.
- Great.
Oh, my God, stop.
19.
- Whew, bam.
Astride the f*cking dragon.
- So dope.
- That's cool!
- And I'm just up here!
Can make some move to hold
on so that I can't be,
or can I continue moving
or this is as far as I get?
- You can continue moving if you...
So, you're here; that's
30, that's your movement.
- How secure am I right now?
If he decided to shake—
- You're running on the wing
of a moving dragon so hardly secure.
- Then I'd like to use my full movement
to get onto his back
and grip onto his spine.
- Hell, yeah.
Whew, bam.
You jump right on this
m*therf*cker's head!
- Great!
- Yeah get me in there real good.
- You're there, yeah, you're good now.
- Great.
- There you go.
- Awesome.
- Jump on his head,
"You taste awful!"
That is awesome, that's gonna be Adaine.
- I open up my
jacket of useful things and I say,
"I need something that
will beat Kalvaxis,"
and I put my hand in a
pocket and I pull out...
- You reach into your
jacket of useful things.
We're going to cut
really briefly to inside
of the jacket of useful things.
Deep in a swirling nexus of
illuminated denim threads
hangs the citadel at the center
of the coat of useful things.
g*nf*re goes out throughout the city,
as a high speed chase within the city
at the center of the
jacket as it's illuminated,
you see that a captain
turns around and says,
"We're not gonna make it!"
Some weird stone science officer says,
"Captain, we are going to make it!
"Engine's holding strong!"
You see that a woman who has
two assassin daggers says,
"We have to get it there!
"The prophecy!
"If we do not succeed at this moment,
"The jacket will be destroyed forever!"
"We're gonna save the jacket,
"but we might not save ourselves."
Whew, leaps off of the car
into the center of the jacket,
whew, the seam opens,
"My God, he's jumping out of the pocket!"
Whew, you see that a weird flesh
and suddenly spectral figure
springs out of your pocket
and puts a wand in your hand.
- What?
- Dope.
- Okay.
I—
- I am in half life!
Agony forever!
He sinks to the floor.
- I f*cking wave
the wand at Kalvaxis!
- Hell, yeah!
Go ahead and make a spell attack roll.
- Great.
A 25.
- You hit!
Go ahead and roll 2d10 damage.
- Okay.
- Oh, no.
- Is this a 10, yes.
- Mm-hm.
- Great.
Four plus nine, 15?
- 13.
- 13.
Thanks for keeping me honest.
- A little ray of cold shoots out
and you see Kalvaxis goes, "Ow!"
- That guy died for that.
- I guess it would have been too easy!
- Just yell, "Basrar,
we need you!"
"We need the ice cream!"
- That is your turn, that
is going to be Kristen,
I need another death save from you.
- Alright.
- Maybe ask your jacket
for a healing potion, man!
- 19.
- Should've asked your jacket
for a healing potion.
- Oh, sh*t, you're right.
- I thought that was
what you were gonna do.
- I didn't even think about it.
- Yeah, I thought that's
what you're gonna do, too!
- Oh, no, I didn't even think about that!
I forgot that healing potions
existed in this world!
I'm sorry.
- Gorthalax rushes over to Fig.
- Oh, sh*t, he's a bard.
- Rushes over to Fig.
- Daddy!
- And he's going to make an
untrained medicine check.
- Oh, no.
- Oh.
Daddy, I don't need to be stabilized.
- He does not succeed.
- Goddammit.
- Dad, Daddy, that was a waste of a turn.
- Daddy, Daddy, wait.
- Goldenhoard is going to attack Gorgug.
Gorgug, you take—
- I'm dead, for sure.
- Five and then eight,
so that's seven damage.
- Gorgug's down.
- Gorgug drops.
He moves over here and
begins to lay into Gorthalax.
That is going to be Fig's turn.
Roll me a death save.
- 17.
- You see that Kalvaxis is going to take
a swing with his tail and miss!
- Who did he try to hit?
- He tried to hit Adaine.
Riz, go ahead and roll me that save.
- Cool, can I roll for police first?
- Roll for police?
- What do I have to roll
at this point?
- 14.
- I've banished these blue dice goodbye!
Get outta here, you're gone!
Green dice now!
- You got it, you got it!
- You crit.
You're gonna crit.
- Critical 14!
Coming up, baby!
- Crit, crit, crit!
- Two!
- f*ck.
- It's a g*dd*mn two, is what that is.
Now I'm gonna roll my death save—
- Yeah, come on!
- Crit, crit, crit!
- A critical 10!
- Crit, crit, crit!
- That's a 14!
- That's the critical 14!
- There was the 14 we needed!
- This is much too much!
- I'd rather it be
in that order than the other.
- Jawbone continues to crawl
around inside there.
- Presumably there's clerics
on the police force.
- Adaine, you take 13 points of damage.
- I'm down.
Oh, wait, wait, can I throw out my shield?
- It does not, it does not stop.
- Well, I'm down.
- So, everyone in the party
is down?
- Except for you.
- Can you reach into Adaine's jacket
and get a healing potion?
- Yeah, why not, right?
- He's on top of the dragon.
- Otherwise, we're just
gonna be watching Jawbone
and Gorthalax fight this guy!
- Go ahead and tell me
what you're gonna do.
- Does the Hangman know medicine?
- The Hangman definitely
does not know medicine.
- In that crystal jewel.
- What about this student?
Is he studying to be a cleric?
- Tell me what you gonna do.
- At this point, I'm just going to stab
this dragon in the eye.
- Go for it.
- First one is 25?
- 25 hits.
- Second one is 20.
- Hits.
- Dope.
- Hell, yeah.
- Alright.
First one, 13.
- f*ck yeah.
- Hell yeah.
- Second one, 13.
- Sick.
- Kalvaxis is looking like
he has some injuries on him.
He's looking very vi—
- All my friends are dead but that's nice!
- I'm gonna need Adaine
to roll death saving.
- Oh my God.
- Good, I love that.
- 18.
- Yeah, 18.
So, that's a success.
- Gorthalax turns and
starts laying into Kalvaxis.
Goldenhoard is going to go now.
I'm gonna need you to make
a dexterity saving throw.
- 'Kay.
18.
- You are dealt three,
eight, 13 points of damage
as you are flung off of
his head and hit the wall.
- Goddammit.
- He continues to chew on Jawbone.
Fig, that's gonna be you.
Death save.
- In my intermittent unconsciousness,
can I commune with my dad?
- Sure, what do you say?
- I just wanna appear to
him as a spectral memory
and wink him some bardic
inspiration.
- Sure, yup.
- And I got 14, I'm stable.
- Cool.
That's going to be Gorgug.
- 19.
So, a success.
- Riz.
- Rolling for police.
- 13?
- Critical 13.
C'mon, coming up.
Five, that's a five.
- How is this possible?
- How is that possible?
- How is this possible?
- I'm the worst person to have roll
for the whole party, guys.
This isn't gonna work.
- Go ahead
and give me that death save.
- Cool.
I already have one failure,
so once I roll this one,
I'll be dead forever.
- Nope, don't say that.
- Seven, it looks so much
like a one, though.
- So, that's two deaths.
- f*cking m*therf*cker, get some new dice!
- I thought you had two failing saves.
I was about to pass out.
- Well, next turn!
- Fabian, you take
14 points of damage.
- I have six.
- Fabian, it's your turn.
- Okay.
- Can Basrar heal us?
Just ask him to bring some healing.
- Healing ice cream?
- With the Hangman,
and its movement,
do I have enough movement
to swing around the stage,
grab Adaine, or just her coat,
and move out of his attack range?
- Sure.
- I'd like to do that, yes.
- Hangman, you grab Adaine.
You guys move all the way over here.
- Can we go on the
other side of the table?
- Go for it, yeah.
- I don't even want him
to be thinking about me.
- Gotcha, you're behind the tables.
- Great.
- That is going to be
Adaine, we need a death save.
- Failure.
- Kristen is stable.
- Can I roll for a nat
20 and then be alive?
- Sure, go for it.
- This is to the corn god.
I know I left for a while but...
Nat 20!
m*therf*cker!
- What a great ask!
- Thank you!
- Praise be to the corn god.
- I believed in you in the beginning!
I left!
- You have to rip up your
comparative world religions book now!
- Please heal me!
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01x16 - Prompocalypse
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.