- Kristen is stable.
- Can I roll for a nat
20 and then be alive?
- Sure, go for it.
- This is to the corn god.
I know I left for a while, but...
Nat 20!
m*therf*cker!
- What a great ask.
- Thank you.
- Praise be to the corn god.
- I believed in you in the beginning.
- I left.
- You have to rip your comparative
world religions book now.
- Please heal me.
- I'm going to take a
break from this combat
to narrate what happened.
I've never seen something more—
- That's insane.
- What the f*ck?
- Hey, it's a god thing.
Wink.
- Speaking of god things,
you are bleeding out
on the balustrade—
- Have been for a while.
- Have been for a while.
Kristen,
you appear at the corny gates.
- Corny gates.
The corny-a*s gates.
- You see that the gates open before you
as you stay here on the verge of death.
You walk into the heavenly heights.
As you're walking, you see happy people,
angels flying around, there's
a young, beautiful woman,
this little weird 1960s
vibe, midriff sweater,
beehive hair, little long cigarette,
beautiful red hair, smoking up a storm,
surrounded by men and women
and flirting with them all;
you see she's going
"Oh, I love it here,
"it's wonderful up here, it's wonderful."
You see that she looks
over at you and says,
"Kristen?"
- Yeah?
- "It's me!
"Doreen!"
- Oh my God, Doreen!
- "Yeah, why would you be old in Heaven?
"I'm young and hot again."
- I don't know; yeah,
you are, you look cool.
You look cool as f*ck.
- "It's great here."
- Yeah, cool.
- "Hey, funny story:
"I haven't seen Helio
around in a little while.
"Oh, can you tell that young woman Adaine
"all that stuff I said when
I was dying, I was just mad."
- Oh, um—
- "I got up here and
immediately forgot about it all.
"I lived a good life."
- I think I'm dead, actually.
I think I'm up here for good.
- "Well, I'm sorry to hear that."
- Yeah, but it's okay.
- "Sol wanted to see you."
- Oh, cool.
Let's see, is he in a beer-pong room,
or is he f*cking—
- "No, not Helio, he's
in the beer-pong room.
"The father—"
- Yeah, yeah, I just figured
Sol was kinda similar.
- "He's in his office, he
hasn't had anyone in in a while.
"The angels are all
starting to get worried.
"He's been very secretive since, you know,
"the thing happened with you coming here."
- Oh, okay.
Yeah, yeah, I'll go see him.
- What's Kristen's
feeling as she's walking
through the heavenly heights?
- f*cking over it!
How is any of this real?
How did I end up here again?
I did a lot more research.
- You walk up, you see a bunch
of angels look and they say,
"You have leave to enter this place.
"Sol has not seen fit to
allow us entry in some time.
"He wishes to speak to a mortal only.
"Enter, but please be kind
to him, he is our creator."
- Yeah, yeah; sorry I've got
a chip on my shoulder lately,
but yeah, of course.
- You enter the room, you
close the door behind you.
You look over and the
first thing you notice
is a pair of feet with
sandals sticking out
from behind a desk, and
you turn your head to look
and you see a long-bearded,
white-robed god with sun
unconscious on the ground, and
you see, standing on the desk
with no pants and just boxers
and a shirt with a crazy tie
is Arthur Aguefort, who
goes, "Kristen!
"Thank goodness, you're
here just in time!"
- Did you k*ll God?
- "Oh no, I think he's just unconscious;
"I don't know if you can k*ll a god.
"The only way you can k*ll a god
"is to k*ll all of their followers
"in the Prime Material Plane.
"Yes, great magic's at work here."
- What is going on?
Why are you dressed like a weird stripper?
- "What?
"It's too hot in here.
"He's the sun! "I had to take
my pants off, I was sweating."
- Why? Why would you
start with your pants?
That's crazy.
- "I shed heat through my legs, mostly."
- Okay, yeah.
Alright, cool.
- "Alright. My
darling girl, you're here.
"It all worked, everything worked out.
"My mind, they were poisoning it.
"My body was a prison,
so I had to k*ll myself
"to regain my intellect, and now,
"I've made the god of the sun unconscious,
"and I've been running
Heaven behind their back.
"No one knows I'm in here.
"The angels all think that
their god is still around.
"It's been quite some
time, but you understand—"
- Yeah, see, that's the
moment that I remember.
There are antipsychotic
drugs that are so good.
It's like, you don't even
realize when you're going
into an episode, it just
smooths your whole life out.
- "My darling girl,
recreation is the highest form
"of self-medication, and
I have realized long ago
"that the heart and soul of
magic is having a good time."
- So you're a god now?
- "Barely, but, there is business.
"Goldenhoard is Kalvaxus."
- I know, we know that; he just k*lled me.
- "Oh no!
"We have not much time.
"Listen! Alright.
"I'm going to clean up around
here a little bit more,
"I've been sh1tting in the
corner for a long time."
- Jesus Christ.
- "I've been holed up in
here for quite some while,
"so, what you need to do is this:
"there's a door past here.
"It is a door to the void,
"the source of all divine energy.
"You understand that
Sol is one god of many?"
- Oh, cool, I always thought that.
- "All gods gain their power
from beyond that door,"
and you see a door at
the end of a staircase.
The door is not gleaming and golden;
it is shifting, gray,
with a cool energy to it.
He says, "If you wish for answers,
"that is where the gods go for theirs."
- Okay, cool.
- You walk into the door.
You walk into endless, inky void.
It's not scary, like being
in space or anything,
it's not scary like it's gonna
consume you, the darkness.
It feels warm.
It feels like the darkness
at the beginning of things.
It doesn't feel like an end,
it feels like endless potential.
You hear a soft voice speaking to you
from all around, and it says,
"You've been asking a
question for quite some time.
"Would you like to ask it here?
"What is your question?"
- Why and who?
- "Who is easy.
"It is us, everything, and you.
"Why is harder.
"Why is something that
only you can decide.
"The universe doesn't have a why."
- Okay, cool.
Can I have sex with whoever I want?
- "From the smallest atom of creation—"
- Hot.
- "To the greatest stars in the sky,
"spinning galaxies and particles so small
"that they are beyond imagination—"
- Uncomfortably wet.
- "None of that gives a
sh*t about who you f*ck."
- Cool.
- "As long as you're f*cking
people who are into it."
- Cool.
This is all great news.
- You see that it says,
"The first rule of existence
is as above, so below.
"People are fractal
images of the universe.
"You are as we are.
"Bad things happen to good people
"because things happen all the time,
"and it is up to people to determine
"whether they are bad or good.
"In the same way that your heart
feels and your mind thinks,
"you mortal begins are the instrument
"by which the universe cares.
"If you choose to care,
then the universe cares,
"and if you don't, then it doesn't."
- Cool.
I care.
- As you say, "I care,"
your heart glows with incredible power,
a deep red and pink and then purples,
expanding out through the void.
You can feel warmth and happiness
from your choice to care.
"If you care, we care.
"Kristen, what is a god
worthy of your worship?"
- Just an enthusiastic yes
with an exclamation point,
floating in the sky.
- A giant three-dimensional
block-letters yes!
With an exclamation mark
appears in front of you.
You see it, it says, "Yes, Kristen, yes!
"I am so happy to be the
object of your worship."
- Dope.
- "I care so much about
you and about the things
"that you care about,
and if you want spells,
"and you wanna spread the gospel,
and you wanna teach people
"about how easy it is to care and be kind
"and take care of people,
then I'm here to help."
- Cool.
- You appear back at the staircase.
- Dope.
- Arthur Aguefort says,
"How did it go in there?"
- It was interesting.
Now I have a really
enthusiastic god that I praise.
He's kinda like the person
you invite to the party
and 10 minutes in, you're like,
This is gonna take
a lot of mental energy."
- "You've created a new deity
"and already, you're fed up with it.
"I would say that's par for the course.
"Now, I'm gonna kick this door down
"and sh**t all of these
angels in the head.
"We're gonna run—"
- Run?
- "We're gonna run for the exit."
- No, what?
This is you popping in my backpack again.
- "Alright.
"What's that?"
- When you hopped in my
backpack and you just went,
"Shh," a whole bunch.
- "Ooh!
"Very clever!"
He crawls into your backpack—
- No, no!
I didn't.
- He says, "Alright, get out of here.
"If you stop walking, I'm gonna jump out
"and start sh**ting."
- Okay.
I just keep walking.
- You walk to the gates, you get there,
you see that the guardian
angel of the gate says,
"I'm sorry, I don't think you're able to."
See Arthur reaches out
and goes,
just in the shoulder, and he says, "Run!
"It's just a wound, just an injury!"
What do you do?
- I sprint!
I sprint out of there.
- You sprint, leap,
you start descending back to the world.
You see the gym appearing before you.
You see that Arthur goes,
"Now, I'm going to be occupied
"the moment we arrive."
He starts putting his pants
back on and doing his tie
and getting his umbrella.
"I will be occupied the
moment we arrive back there.
"Listen to me: remember,
you have all the time
"you need, alright?
"We can save your friends.
"Remember, Kristen.
"The greatest magic of all.
"Do you remember?"
- Is friendship.
- "What the f*ck is wrong with you?"
- The greatest magic of all,
this winter at Disneyland.
- "Friendship?"
"Are you, are you, are you,"
"Are you about friendship?
"Friends die all of the time!
"What an insane—"
- The greatest magic of all
is the devil making us believe
he doesn't exist.
- "No, that's a saying; listen to me!
"Friendship? f*ck!
"All this, 'Love is the
greatest magic of all;'
"so, in a w*r, a mother and
her children get f*cking iced
"in an alleyway outside of their home,
"was the problem that they
didn't love each other enough?
"That's crazy, Kristen!
"That's crazy!
"Love is not magic!
"Magic is magic, love is love!"
- Okay, what's the answer, cokehead?
- Chronomancy!
As I said at your first day,
the greatest magic of all is chronomancy.
Around your neck, by your dog tags.
- Uh-huh?
- My watch.
- Cool.
- You guys land back where
you are, ba-ba-ba-bum.
Arthur Aguefort appears
on the b*ttlefield.
- Oh sh*t!
- Oh sh*t!
- He's back, b*tch!
- He's back, b*tch!
He appears; you see he goes—
- Is Arthur Aguefort black?
- Yeah!
- Hell yes.
- You see that Arthur Aguefort lands—
- In a suit.
- Yeah. My brother.
Damn.
- Arthur Aguefort says,
"The watch, Kristen!"
He looks over at Kalvaxus
and goes, "Ah, Kalvaxus."
You see that Mr. Gibbons
appears out of nowhere
and he goes, "Powerful feelings,"
leaps into Aguefort's throat, and you see
that Aguefort goes,
Mr. Gibbons, see reason!"
And
clocks himself in the face.
Kristen, it is your turn,
you are holding the watch.
"Please select how many people
"you would like to bring with you
"into this suspended
chronological animation,
"and for how many hours.
"Kindly select a number
between one and 12."
- I pick the party.
- And Dad.
- The other five people; what?
- And my daddy.
- Oh yeah, and Gorthalax the Insatiable.
- Sklonda.
- And Sklonda.
And all of the police
force, if they ever show up.
- Unless you can name police members,
I don't think the watch
is going to accept it.
- Sklonda and then who's the b*tch?
- You can leave Gilear out of it.
- Never mind.
- Sklonda, Gorthalax, you and the party.
- Yeah.
- Cool.
- And, that's it.
- What about Aguefort, Arthur Aguefort?
- Well, Aguefort is being possessed.
Does he wanna be awake?
- You don't know.
He could possibly k*ll
himself if he's just allowed
to possess himself.
- Punching himself?
I'll leave him out.
- Here's a question.
Should you leave me out?
Will she still have a chance to heal?
'Cause I'll die if it
comes back to my turn,
I can almost guarantee it.
- You're the only one who can call police.
I think I can get to you—
- No, I think I was just
rolling for their turn
for them to eventually come.
Will she have a chance
to heal or do anything?
- She will have a bonus action
to throw a Healing Word to you.
- Yeah, okay.
So that's what I do.
- Then don't cryogenically freeze me.
- You name those people,
Gorthalax looks around very surprised.
- Oh, sorry, and Jawbone!
- Right under the wire, Miss Applebees.
You see (mimics warbling
static), time stops.
You Healing Word Riz.
- Yup.
- And you see that Kalvaxus,
stops.
All of your friends are
bleeding on the ground.
You Healing Word everybody.
Arthur Aguefort is frozen,
Gorthalax looks around,
Jawbone—
- I'm also out.
Oh, 10?
- 10 for everyone.
- 10 for everyone.
- Thank you.
- Jawbone is way in the
back of Goldenhoard's mouth,
and you got him right when
his mouth was mostly closed,
so you see Jawbone waves
out from through the teeth,
going, "Hey g*ng!
"I'm mostly just sorta in here.
"I don't know exactly what's going on."
- Do you need help getting out?
- You see he starts clawing
inside and he's like,
"Nah, this time doodad,
"I can't really do damage right now.
I'm good."
- Do you want some food?
- "Yeah, if you wanna go
get a burger or a shake;
"no, 'cause you did a
time ding-dang, right?"
- Well, we could just go take them.
- What if there are some
bombs down his throat,
could you move out of
the way a little bit?
- It's fire damage, though.
- Is it?
- Yeah.
- If we've got all the time in the world,
could we damage him if he's stuck in time?
- You cannot damage him
as he's stuck in time.
What you guys can do is take a long rest.
- What?
- I'll pick 12 hours.
- That's amazing!
- You picked 12 hours, right?
- Oh my God.
- I just pull up a sleeping bag.
- You see that Gorthalax says,
"This feels a little weird, right?"
- I said, "Dad, that's what
happens when you hang out
"with my friends."
- "Hey, you know, it's kinda
like a lock-in, right?"
- It is like a lock-in, I
was gonna say the same thing!
- You're standing here with
the f*cking end of the world
in front of you, and he's
like, "Uh, okay, you know what?
"Why don't we go pitch
a tent out in the yard?
"I don't feel great,
it's just creepy to sleep
"right next to the dude, you know?"
- I wanna sleep between his legs.
- Is Ragh alive?
- You go over to Ragh.
Ragh is stable, but he's out of time.
- I'll Healing Word him.
- Don't use a spell.
I'll just bring him up to one
with my kit.
- No but we're about to sleep.
- You can bring him up
to one with your kit?
- Great, I'll just bring him up to one.
- Can I pull sandwiches for everybody
out of my jacket, and then I'll
Mage Hand one up to Jawbone?
- In the middle of the most
,
the battle of all time, a
f*cking new deity is created,
Arthur Aguefort is back,
the wizard of the f*cking academy,
five minutes after that,
you guys are all sitting
on a step outside, just eating sandwiches.
- Oh no; me, Gorthalax, and
Gorgug are actually jamming.
- We have 12 hours, right?
I wanna get eight hours,
but I wanna just practice—
- We're gonna jam for four hours.
- I can change my—
- You can change your spells prepared.
- Hell yeah.
- I'd like to go and just
stab Dayne in the chest
a bunch of times.
- The time stops your thing at
his.
- I wish I could just go like,
- Can I put on Penelope's crown?
- Yes, you can.
- Can we sleep, a long rest,
but wake up with enough time
to prepare actions before—
- Yeah, you guys got 12 hours.
- Hell yeah.
- Sandwiches and jam probably
takes what, 45 minutes?
An hour?
You guys are just kinda
kicking it, after—
Yeah, literally, about
10 minutes after you guys
have eaten sandwiches, you see your mom
very carefully sneaks up, and
she looks at you and goes,
"Riz, the whole world has become insane!"
- Yeah, that's 'cause of us.
- "What the f*ck do they
teach you at this school?"
- Are you talking about the time thing?
- "Yeah, Gorgug, the time thing!"
- Well, there's a lot that's insane there.
- Your car probably just stopped
with all of your friends just—
- "I had to pull the seat in the back down
"and kick the taillights
out to squeeze through.
"What's happening?"
- So Gorthalax—
- I created a new god.
- Well, that's just
complicated and unnecessary.
- Hm?
Oh, sorry.
- What's the dragon's name?
- It's an enthusiastic yes.
- Guys, what's the dragon's name?
- Kalvaxus.
- Oh, that.
- Kalvaxus is here, he's a giant dragon.
- He was our principal.
- We do have a time watch
that can stop it for 12 hours,
so we're taking a quick,
taking a T.
- Detective Sklonda Gukgak.
- What's up?
- What's up, mom?
- Aww, cute!
- Sklonda!
- You guys all sleep.
Your mom is sitting there,
so there's a moment where
you guys jam for a while.
While you guys are jamming,
Gorthalax is going,
"Oh, man, alright.
"Well, I think we can take her.
"I think I feel good; you feel good?"
- Yeah, I feel amped.
- I'm stretching.
- Oh, Mom, I think we
should maybe climb up
and go stab him in the head,
because this is the guy,
he ate Dad, he told me he ate Dad.
- "We're gonna k*ll this
m*therf*cker, sweetie."
- I was thinking about crawling in there
and trying to get out his goblin bones,
so we can give him a proper burial,
but I think that would be f*cked up
and I'd maybe get eaten
by his stomach acids,
so let's just stab him in the head.
- "Sweetie?"
- Yeah?
- "We're going to be the
goblins that k*lled a dragon."
- Hell yeah.
- "That's what we're gonna be.
"And you know what?
"We are badass.
"We are badass."
While you guys are jamming on the stage,
you see that Jawbone is just
in the mouth, going, "Woo!
"Yeah!"
- I give Jawbone a sandwich.
- "It's weird, I'm like
a mouth in a mouth."
- I've never seen a wolf
eat a sandwich.
- "You've never seen a
wolf eat a sandwich?"
- Well, maybe, actually.
- I saw you eat a salad one time.
I thought you were more of a salad guy.
- "I am more of a salad
guy, but on a day like this
"where you're fighting, you're
burning a ton of calories,
"you can kinda eat whatever you want."
- Yeah, that's true.
- You see that
Gorthalax and Sklonda
are hanging outside.
Sklonda's there, can't believe
what you just told her.
Gorthalax looks over at Sklonda,
she goes, "I can't believe it.
"This man k*lled my husband,
"and I'm gonna k*ll him with my son."
You see Gorthalax looks over and says,
"I'm sorry that your husband
passed, that's really rough.
"I'm Gorthalax, I'm Fig's dad."
Everyone here make insight checks.
- Oh my God.
- 13.
- Six.
- So many dads.
- 12.
- 12.
- 20, not nat 20.
- 17.
- Riz and Adaine, and Fig as well,
you look over and see
Gorthalax and Sklonda
share a soft look.
- Oh my God.
- Gilear is gonna be
so humiliated again.
- Cucked again.
- Mom he's so enormous.
For goblins.
- Okay.
You guys sleep, all your
hit points are back,
it's a long rest, you
guys re-prepare spells,
it's a brand new day.
- I sleep between his legs.
- You sleep between his legs.
He is moving very slowly.
'Cause you play for a while—
- Yeah, I wanna dance in front of him,
so that he just sees it real quick.
- Just watches it all
happen in fast motion.
- Is this weird?
Can I get a bunch of ice out of my jacket
and ice everybody's weapons?
- Yeah, you can do that.
- Is that nuts?
- Make them cold?
Sure.
- Do you have that wand?
- I do have that wand, but I
don't know if the wand will...
I don't really know what the wand does,
except that it's like—
- It's a wand of ray of frost.
- It's a wand of ray of frost!
- Yeah, it's a wand of ray of frost.
- That's so funny.
- You guys go ahead and
position your characters
wherever you want them.
- But if I have the wand,
can I do wand and a spell?
- No, it's an action.
- Nah, dang, alright.
- Yup.
- Yeah, I probably wanna be within—
- Move over, boys.
- Is this within 60 feet of him?
- Where you at?
- 60 feet?
I'd like to be—
- I can scoot over.
- Actually, I wanna stand on this now.
No, that's...
As long as it's more than 60 feet.
- I'm gonna just put myself up here
just to have my character up there, but—
- I guess I'd like to be on his back.
- Off your motorcycle?
- Off my motorcycle.
- I guess more down on the neck,
so maybe I can possibly try to
hide in his spikes.
- Okay.
Put the Hangman wherever you want it.
- I guess I'll just do this as a move,
but I wanted to cast Spiritual
Weapon on my book of Helio
and hand it to Jawbone
to throw down his throat,
so that the spiritual
weapon will just be in him
and he'll take hit points.
- He takes it and, well,
now your spiritual weapon
is no longer a cob of corn.
Now it's a big, floating, block-letter yes
with an exclamation point.
- So '90s.
- Just a Buzzfeed symbol.
- Yeah.
- He takes it through the teeth—
- Kinda like Jeb Bush's—
- Shoves it down there—
- Here's basically
Jeb Bush's campaign.
- Excuse me?
- Please clap.
- Never mind, I don't wanna do that.
- Okay.
Cool.
- Oh wait, I do wanna position myself.
Can I climb in with Jawbone?
- Can you give us a Bless?
- Can I climb in with Jawbone?
- You can't get through
the teeth into the mouth.
- Okay, I Bless you, your mom, and you.
Are those the only people
who have vendettas?
- I think we're all pretty Blessed.
- Also, you have the teddy bear,
so you can Bless two people
if you want, or Bless six people.
- I Bless everyone, everyone's got it.
- Dope.
- Everyone's Blessed, I am
going to hide underneath him.
- He's gonna step on you.
- That seems dangerous.
Yeah, you need to stay safe.
The reason that we died
is because you died.
- But I have spirit
guardians, and I have to be
within 15 feet, and I
can do a lot of damage.
- You guys have a minute left
before the watch runs out.
- Wait, we're all on him?
- We're all on him.
- Everyone has crawled onto—
- I'm not.
- You're not.
That's going to be—
- That's stupid.
- So, Sklonda's there—
- f*ck it, I'll be over here.
This is still 15 feet, right?
If I'm near his wing?
- Yeah, for sure.
- Can anybody use a wand?
- Anyone with a little bit
off arcane talent can, yeah.
- Can I give it to Gorthalax?
- You give it to Gorthalax,
he takes it, snaps it in half,
presses it flat, and has
a little guitar pick,
and his guitar goes icy blue.
- Sick.
- Dope.
- At first I thought he
really f*cked up,
and I was like, that
was a waste of a turn.
- We come back in at the
top of the initiative order.
The watch,
"What the f*ck?"
And that's going to be Fig's turn.
- So I'm doing Reckless Shred, which means
he's gonna have disadvantage
on all saving throws
against damage-dealing spells
so he can't hit anyone,
and I'm doing Dissonant
Whispers, level four.
- Hell yeah, dude.
- Hell yeah, dude.
- He gets disadvantage.
- And he has disadvantage.
- He fails that saving throw.
- Okay!
So, that is three, this is one, so, 66.
- Go ahead and roll it. You want some d6?
- Gimme d6.
- Oh, d6.
- Here you go.
- D6, you got it.
- You already have six?
- Yeah.
Okay, that is, 12, 18, 19, 21.
No, 22, 22.
- Damn.
- You shred so hard, he goes
and slams into the wall here.
He whips at you and deals you
16 points of damage with
his tail as he flies away.
- Okay.
- That's going to be Ragh.
Ragh stands up—
- Oh, and I wink at, who needs it?
- I would love it.
- I wink at my boy.
- Thank you.
- Ragh goes before me?
- You forget his name?
- So sorry, yeah, you go first.
- I'm gonna just Reckless Attack
and I get advantage on attack.
Can I use this?
- Yeah.
Nice.
- Yes, I hit him.
And my second attack—
- Don't forget your d4,
'cause we're Blessed.
- Oh yes.
Alright, so my second
attack is 17, does that hit?
- A 17 does not hit.
- Okay.
My last attack is 21.
- 21 hits.
- So, two,
hit him for 12,
ooh, and then 19.
Jesus!
- Hell yeah.
- 12 and 19?
- 31.
- I'm gonna need everybody on,
I'm gonna need Kristen, Sklonda, Gorgug,
Riz, Fabian, to all make
dexterity saving throws.
- Really smart idea.
- Is this a spell?
- Nat one!
- Remember to add your Bless.
- Yeah, of course.
- Nat one.
- Nat one with a four Bless.
- I got a 18.
- A 26.
- I got 14.
- 14; what'd you get?
- 18.
- 18; what'd you get?
- 26.
- You could add your Bardic Inspiration.
- Oh, I can add Bless, right?
- Bless,
yeah, you can add Bless.
- I feel like I
don't know how to use it—
- I got 20.
- I'd rather get knocked down.
I get 14.
- 14.
Gorgug,
Riz—
- Oh gosh.
- Bam, bam,
Jawbone gets spit out.
Fabian hangs on.
- Hell yes.
- Good for you, Fabian.
That was a bad idea all around.
Happy to have fallen off.
- You guys each take, 2d6 plus eight,
you guys take 12 damage each,
halved for you to six.
Kristen, you also take
that same amount of damage.
You go prone, Sklonda is fine—
- Hell yeah, Sklonda.
- And that's going to be Ragh's turn.
Ragh runs and goes, "I don't know
"what the f*ck is happening!
"Everything looks different
from before I've dropped,
"but circling back, I am
g*y, I am proud of it now—"
- That was so long ago.
- Stab him in the d*ck, dude!
- He does swing
and connects directly
with a slit in the crotch of—
Bam!
Kalvaxus goes, You found it!"
- Can I quickly turn
into Dayne and be like,
"That was awesome, dude."
- You see Ragh goes, "What the f*ck?"
and sees Dayne's dead body
and says, "That's not nice."
- Okay, sorry, I was
trying to make you feel good.
I turn back.
- That is going to now
be Riz, that's your turn.
- Dope.
Okay.
I get up.
- Half your movement.
- Great, great, this is good.
I think I'm over there, yeah. Cool.
So, I am going to...
I'm gonna first sh**t at him.
- Cool.
- I don't know what dice to
use, because I'm doing a bad job
with all of them.
Awesome.
That's a lot.
18 plus 27 to hit.
- That's a hit.
- Hell yeah.
- Cool.
Doot-doo-doo.
4d6 and then my weapon damage.
Ooh, that's not great.
One, two, four, nine,
14, 20, plus Fury of the
Small for another eight.
- 28.
- 28.
- You raise your g*n up, one
of your father's b*ll*ts,
tears
one of Kalvaxus's eyes
out of his head.
- Hell yeah, dude.
- "What trickery is this?"
You see Arthur Aguefort says,
"The trickery of a wizard's watch."
Wham, wham, wham!
"Mr. Gibbons, I'm sorry
I had to k*ll you!"
- And then I'm gonna take a bonus action,
ooh, maybe I don't wanna use that.
I guess I'll just try to hide;
he's gonna f*cking see me,
I'm sure, but I'll hide.
- Cool.
That's going to be Jawbone,
who takes a full run, gets
to about here.
That's going to be Sklonda.
You see that Sklonda starts firing shots
around Kalvaxus's head to distract him.
You see she looks down at you and goes,
"Covering fire, kiddo!"
You have advantage on attack rolls.
- Dope.
- Sick.
- Fabian, that's you.
- I'd like to action surge
and attack him four times.
- Hell yeah, dude!
- And then, can I also do
something elaborate, or showy,
kind of jumping—
- Please make an athletics check for me.
- Great.
- Is it acrobatic?
- 19!
Sick, hell yeah.
- 19.
- You wanna roll to see if you crit?
- Let's see if I crit.
- That is a crit, right?
- No, only for attacks.
- Hey, wasn't that a one?
Did you just roll one?
- It was a seven.
- Ah, okay, 'cause isn't that a crit?
- Oh, yeah.
- What do you do?
- Oh, I think it's a lot of
running off of the wings,
falling, backstabbing, then coming back,
just doing cool spins.
- Please make four attack rolls.
Go ahead and roll 4d20 at the same time.
- Oh, wow.
- And I'll just tell you
right now, his AC is 19.
- Great.
- Remember, you're Blessed.
- Oh, I'm Blessed.
- And add a Bless to all of
them, just roll that one.
- Oh, hell yeah, dude, four!
- So, we'll add the four, so
that's nine plus eight, 17;
that doesn't work.
- Oh, you add the Bless to all of them.
- No, you add four to all of them.
- Oh, the same four, so, four.
So, 14 plus eight, that's enough.
17 plus four, 21.
- That's gonna do it.
- That's enough.
And 17 plus, that is also, so three.
- Hell yeah.
- Yeah, do your damage, man.
- Great.
11,
13,
11 again.
- Fabian f*cking, pow, pow, pow, pow!
He bats you with a wing,
you run off the wing,
bicycle-kick, stab him
in the f*cking head,
grab off of his fangs, whip
around to f*cking kick him
in the other good eye.
Literally, to descend to the ground,
you just slice your saber in there,
and (mimics sword
whooshing) slide down him,
slitting open his scaly chest,
there's a huge seam in it—
- And of course, I'd like
to land on the Hangman.
- And of course, you f*cking do.
And the Hangman (mimics
tires screeching) peels away.
That is going to be, ba-ba-bum—
- Maybe not be right next to me.
- Oh yeah, where do you wanna go?
- Yeah.
- Over here?
- We should be spread
out wherever we're going.
- Yeah, that feels right.
- Cool.
That's gonna be Adaine.
- Hm, interesting.
Well—
- Did you re-roll your daily?
- Yeah, I got a nine and an eight,
which is not super useful.
- You could give those to their rolls.
- He's got disadvantage on saving throws
against damage spells.
- Yeah, I am going
to just cast Lightning Bolt on him.
- Hell yeah; roll damage.
- Don't I have to roll two?
- No, he has a saving throw.
He's gonna use one of his
legendary resistances, though,
to take half damage.
- Oh, okay.
- Also, because it's within 24 hours,
none of you have to
roll for dragon fright.
- Great.
- Dope.
- Hell yeah.
- 10,
and nine, 19.
So, nine damage.
- Nine damage?
Lightning Bolt fires off
across his face.
He's looking messed up, g*ng.
That is going to be Kristen.
- Alright.
Can I use my movement
to jump into his mouth
and get as far down his throat as I can?
- Kristen.
- Kristen!
- Yes, you can.
- Alright, cool.
I do that, I disappear;
I have lubed myself up,
I'm sliding down his throat,
and I cast Spirit Guardians.
So, every time it becomes his turn
in between each of our
turns, he has to roll.
- Go ahead and make an
athletics check for me.
- Cool.
Hell yeah.
16.
- Is it the philosopher still
or is it something new now?
- Yes! Yes! Yes!
- It's the big Buzzfeed LOL Yes!
- You see just a bunch of yes, yes, yes!
Kristen leaps, Kalvaxus goes, "Why?
"How did you?
And you scramble down his throat.
You see the giant burning
interior of his fiery center,
and you see, wow, yes, cool!
Right on! Rad!
That's it!
- Oh no!
The other ones were so much better!
Could there be a couple
remaining philosophers in there?
- Sure.
- They're annoyed and we bond over that.
- You see that a bunch of
the philosophers appear
in a little bwoop that says,
"15 best philosophy quotes
"you've never heard about."
- No!
No!
- This is the god you made.
- I was under pressure, okay?
Oh no, I made an Internet god.
- You see that will happen on his turn.
Aguefort lifts up in the
air with telekinesis,
flies across the room, and
smashes himself into here
and falls to the ground.
Bam!
Goldenhoard—
- Hell yeah.
- Ooh, is going to hit...
- Oh, Ragh.
- No, he's going to—
- Jawbone.
- 11.
He deals 26 damage to
Adaine with his tail.
- Oh sh*t.
- It doesn't make any
difference with shield?
- Not particularly, no.
- Okay great.
Thank goodness.
- Does he roll from my
guardians on top of his turn?
- On the top of his turn, he does, yes.
He makes the saving
throw, so you can tell me
and he'll take half damage.
- I rolled it as a fourth-level,
just so you know.
- Hell yeah.
- Eight, eight, six, one.
17 plus six is 23, so he takes 11.
- He takes 11, cool.
You see he is going to, bum bum
bum, where did that go here?
Yeah.
I'm gonna need Fig and Riz to
roll dexterity saving throws.
- Can I attempt to cast a
counter-spell on that spell?
- It is not a spell, it
is his breath weapon.
- Great.
- Not in our gym.
And that's, yep.
- Oh, I have disadvantage, I think.
- Yep, you do.
- Oh, I got a nat 20!
But I can't use it, but I still got a 19.
- Hell yeah.
- A 19 and a nat 20?
- Well, I mean I got a 17,
or I got a 15 plus four.
- What does he have disadvantage on?
- Frost.
- What does he have
disadvantage on from your thing?
- It's 'cause I do a barbarian thing—
- You have a nine or a 10 right now?
- Yeah.
What do you need?
- I am so worried that
I'm gonna roll so bad.
- No you are not, you
are gonna roll so good.
- If I had a 10, I would
have an 18 plus Bless
plus Bardic Inspiration, and I
would almost definitely pass,
and I might rather take that.
- I have an eight and a nine.
- Oh, okay.
Alright, whatever.
I guess I'll—
- You could take the nine.
- I mean, nine might, if you have Bless.
Oh, I forgot to add Bless.
- Bless and Bardic Inspiration.
- So, technically, I have 23.
- Your call, guys, what you wanna do?
- You want the nine?
- Could you give me a nine?
- It's yours, man.
- Cool, I'll take the nine.
- Go ahead and roll Bless.
- Two.
- You saved.
- Oh great. Thank God.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Is this fire?
- This is fire, so it's gonna be
even halved, 12, 18, 19, 28,
36,
46,
56...
You take 33 points of fire damage.
- But then, do I halve—
- No, that's halved.
- But don't I quarter it, because I'm—
- You failed your save.
- No, I got 23.
- She's resistant.
- Oh, 23? I didn't hear you say, sorry.
Yes; wait.
Even with disadvantage?
- Yeah.
I got a 15 and then a 20, plus my Bless.
- That's his turn.
Gorthalax casts another spell on him,
he uses his last legendary to resist.
At the end of Gorthalax's
turn, he whips his tail out
and grabs Sklonda by the tail.
- No, Sklonda!
- Takes her to his mouth, and goes,
"Ah, a familiar taste.
"This trickery will not be
enough to save you."
That's going to be Fig.
- With that, does he encounter
my spirit guardians again
on that turn?
- He did already, that was his turn.
That already happened.
That's gonna be Fig.
- Okay.
I'm gonna try and cast Polymorph on him.
- Okay.
Cool.
This might f*ck up Kristen.
If you turn him into a f*cking rabbit
and Kristen's in his stomach.
- Okay you're right.
- You could turn Sklonda into a rabbit,
and she might fall through
her hands, although a rabbit—
- Make the call, what do you want to do?
- Okay, I'm not gonna do that, then.
I'm gonna...
I guess I'll try and cast Fear on him.
- Cool.
- He's gotta do a wisdom saving throw
or drop whatever it is
holding and become frightened.
So I. —
- You see that he—
- Start playing my guitar.
(Brennan mimics electric
guitar warbling)--
- I wanna know his deepest fears.
- He looks at you, the thing
springing from your guitar
is a Vice Principal Goldenhoard in a suit
pulling his pocket out of his pants
and a little moth flying out.
- Not enough to fool me."
Gorgug, that's you, baby.
- Oh, wait, let me at
least use a bonus action.
I'm gonna use a bonus action to give you
some more Bardic Inspiration.
- Dope, thank you.
I've been afraid to use it,
it probably was for the best.
- I'm going to jump at where Sklonda is
and try to hit him in the
hand to make him drop her.
- Awesome.
Do an opposed athletics check.
- With Bless—
- You got to beat a 16.
- I did on the first
one; I wanna see if I...
Yeah.
That was a 22.
- He goes to devour Sklonda.
Gorgug leaps up, clang!
You grab Sklonda in your arms
and leap to the balcony with Sklonda.
- Thanks, dude!
- Your mom's great!
- You f*cking rule, man!
- She goes, "Thanks, kiddo."
- Does Gorthalax notice that?
Is he relieved to see Sklonda okay?
- He is very relieved.
Goldenhoard goes ahead and deals
15 points of damage to Fabian.
- Does he roll for
Spirit Guardians before?
- No, it's not on his turn,
he's taking Legendary actions.
- Oh, dang.
- Ragh takes a couple swings.
- Yeah, Ragh.
- Ragh misses.
- I'm just gonna turn Ragh around.
It's sad to me that he's just
like, "Where's the dragon?"
- Goldenhoard hits you, Riz, for
18 points of damage.
- Uncanny Dodge, I'll take nine.
- He stands over you.
"It's gonna take more than
a Ball to k*ll me, boy."
Riz, that's gonna be your turn.
- Dope.
So he's right over me?
- Right over you.
- Cool.
I would like to use the Sword of Shadows
to sh**t straight up into the
air over his head, teleport.
- He lunges, you (mimics
wind whooshing) vanish.
Your mom provides covering fire;
go ahead and roll with advantage.
- Oh boy.
Alright.
That is a 24 before Bless.
- That hits.
- Dope.
- Hell yeah.
- And you have, yeah, you
rolled with advantage, yep.
- Yep, okay.
So that's
11,
13, 17, 18,
24.
- Fabian.
Teen Wolf's on the Hangman.
Fig shreds on the guitar.
Adaine, lightning crackling from her hand;
Gorgug grabs Sklonda at the last minute,
leaping to the balcony overhead.
Kristen, deep in the bowels of this thing,
being, frankly, burned to death—
- Great.
- Kalvaxus lunges at you.
"Nothing more than a,"
"Ball?"
You feel the wind
as you fall from the top of the gymnasium,
Sword of Shadows in your
hand, Dad's g*n at your side.
A year ago, your babysitter went missing.
This is the person who took her,
and this is the person
that k*lled your father.
Sword sinks deep into
the skull of Kalvaxus.
Shadow bursts from his eyes
as his body is rent asunder.
The light from the fire
erupting from his mouth
illuminates Riz, casting his giant shadow
across the entire gymnasium, as shadows
flicker out
and burst from all around him.
Kristen is vomited out
in a roiling thing of fire.
- Yeah, I was gonna
say, someone cut me out!
- Gorthalax catches you, wham!
In his hand.
"You alright, kiddo?"
"I had a whole plan!
"I did everything right!
"And the prophecy!"
- I would like to eat a bit of his flesh
and I look at him in his one good eye,
and I say, "I don't know
how long it's gonna take me,
"but I'm gonna eat you, b*tch!"
- You see your mom leaps from the thing
and she says, "Kiddo, we're not gonna need
"to go shopping tonight."
- Yeah!
Let's eat him!
- Yeah!
- Eat our enemies?
What have we become?
- You and your mom devour
the front of Kalvaxus's head.
Kalvaxus, Emperor of the Red Waste,
AKA Vice Principal f*cking
Goldenhoard, is no more.
- f*ck you, man!
You sucked!
- He was a pervert.
And he had a weird beating stick.
- Oh my God.
- You walk over.
You see that—
- Can you roll to see
if the police are...?
- Actually, hold on wait a minute.
- I got Bardic Inspiration!
- Yeah, go ahead and make the roll
with Bardic Inspiration, please.
- Oh my God, and Bless.
- And it's a 12 at this point.
- If I fail this, I'm gonna just go home.
- I really hope you don't.
- I'm not invited—
- I like want you to fail this.
- I'm not invited.
- Go for it.
- I failed.
- You piece of sh*t.
- No no no no no! I get, wait, 12.
- 12!
- I needed 12 exactly!
Oh my God!
- Wait. No, this is 10!
- Wait.
- Dawg, this is 10.
- Six, 10?
- My boy can't count.
You lost.
- I'm not leaving, I don't care.
- You see that—
- It's better that you failed.
We did it without—
- We don't need the cops.
- You see that Gorthalax is
over, casts his hand out.
Arthur Aguefort stands up.
You see that Gorthalax
sucks Mr. Gibbons' soul
into his palm.
Arthur Aguefort stands up and goes,
Very well.
"All is right again."
- You're just alive?
- Are you alive again?
- What is your deal?
- That's crazy.
- What's my deal?
- Yeah, are you alive?
- What's my deal?
I'm m*therf*cking Arthur Aguefort!
I am 500 years old.
I snuck into Heaven, and
now, I'm back, m*therf*ckers!
You see (mimics bird
screeching) this phoenix appears
over him; he says, "That
bird is the last phoenix.
"I f*cked that bird!
"It is my paramour!
"This m*therf*cker thought
he could poison my tea.
"Well, you can't f*ck
with a wizard, can you?"
- No?
- No, yeah.
- No, no you can't.
- You see he says, "Ms.
Abernant, if you would kindly
"read that prophecy one more time,
"and pay attention to
the words carefully."
- When Kalvaxus once again
beholds his glittering treasure
and seven maidens are once
more chained at the mouth
of his lair, when w*r befalls the realm
and a king and queen are
crowned anew in Solace,
then will the Emperor of the Red Waste
be released from bondage.
His destruction will know no bounds,
the sun shall fall from the heavens,
and the world as we know
it shall perish forever.
- You guys look out the
window and you see that Sol,
the sun god, just straight
up falls out of the sky
and slams into the ground,
still unconscious and tied up.
- Wait, so you wanted this
prophecy to happen, 'cause you—
- "You don't have to want
the prophecy to happen
"or not happen, it just happens.
"His destruction knows no bound.
"The suns fall from the heaven
"and the world as we knew it has perished.
"A new god has been created."
- So my power is bullshit?
- "Everything in this world
is bullshit, Ms. Abernant,
"but understanding how is the key."
- So, is the sun just a yes now?
- Maybe.
It's nighttime right now, you'll
find out tomorrow morning.
- You guys, again, I'm really sorry
for how annoying my gods are.
They're still yelling OMG in my head.
- Go ahead and roll that
d20 again for me real quick.
- 14.
- "Nobody move!"
- Oh, thank God you're here!
- A bunch of cops rush in.
"Alright, nobody move."
- Jesus.
- Are any of you clerics?
- "Huh?"
- Are any of you clerics?
- "Nah, no way."
- Oh, so you would have
been no help anyway.
- He says, "Oh, you guys
should all be in a prison!"
- I go up to that guy and
just slap him in the face.
- Don't attack an—
- You see he starts crying and runs out.
- Run away. Run away.
- I slap the other one.
- He runs out.
- I cast Fear on all of them.
- Guys, I worked really
hard to get these cops here.
- Oh, did you, The Ball?
- You see Arthur Aguefort
looks around and says,
"I cannot tell you how
proud I am of you all.
"I knew when I shot Mr.
Gibbons, and then shot myself
"in the head, that you
would take care of us all."
You see he looks over at
Sklonda, is going over,
she has the blood running
down her mouth, and she says,
"Way to go, kiddo."
- We did it, Mom.
- "We did it."
- We got leftovers for a while.
- Did you just shake your mother's hand?
- Can I make an insight
check on Dr. Aguefort?
- Yeah, go for it.
- I got a five.
- A five?
f*ck it, dude, it's worth asking.
- Arthur,
I'm just gonna ask.
- Professor Aguefort.
- Professor Aguefort, are you my dad?
- "I was about to ask
you the very same thing."
- What?
- Moving on.
You see he says,
"Ms. Applebees, would you be kind enough
"to revivify Kalvaxus,
bring him back to life?"
- Should I?
- Why?
- You hear
and a griffon lands outside.
Sandra Lynn descends from her griffon
and you see seven young women
with broken chains and manacles
step off the griffin, and
all start sharpening weapons
and walking to the mouth of the gym.
- Oh, hell yeah.
- Oh, hell yeah, the
virgins are gonna k*ll him!
- He says, "It just feels right.
"Obviously, you sleuths cracked the case,
"and obviously, you
had a personal revenge.
"It would be nice to give
these young women a shot."
- You cut him up, we'll eat him.
- Yeah.
Okay, yeah, I can revivify him,
and then I can cast Hold Person
and then he'll just have to
stand there getting k*lled.
- You see that Penny rushes over to you
and picks you up in a big hug.
- Bear hug.
- "You cracked the case, bud!"
- We did it!
- "You guys did it!
"I'm Penny Luckstone,
nice to meet all of you;
"I saw you guys in the arcade
when that was happening."
- Penny's great, she was my
friend before I had friends.
- "Aw, shucks, that's great."
- If you saw me attacking
people in the arcade,
I'm not a bad guy, it was just possession.
- "You got it.
"Can we grab the gym for a hot 20?"
- Yeah, of course.
We have ice cream, right?
- Can I see Zelda?
- You see ice cream
covers the entire gymnasium.
- Sick!
- Just real quick, before we exit the gym,
I'd like to cut off that man's hand.
- Yes, you cut off Dayne's hand.
- Great, and while no one's
watching, I just pocket it.
- You don't have an eye.
Take his eye!
Take his eye, man!
- The Ball, calm it!
- Do you want me to bite it out for you?
- No, The Ball.
- See Arthur, he says, Yes,
"violent, deranged lunatics.
"Exactly the thing this
school was meant to produce.
"There's only one way to make
a difference in this world,
"and it is to freak the
f*ck out all the time
"and just f*ck sh*t right up."
- Chaotic good, b*tch.
- You see he takes you out of there
as ice cream falls all over you,
from all.
You guys leave the gymnasium,
Arthur stays behind,
you see that Kalvaxus, "I'm back."
You see that Katya
Cleaver, the half-orc girl,
sharpens her ax and goes,
"Well, we're gonna be a minute.
"We'll see you in a little while."
"Well, I don't understand that; oh dear."
The door closes and you
just hear a f*cking ruckus,
as the seven—
- Hell yeah.
- Us and them are the only good students.
Everybody else f*cking sucks.
- Yeah.
- Except for that one guy
who really stuck around.
- This guy really rules.
This guy is so chill.
- Make another
insight check for me.
- 20, nat 20.
- Oh my God!
- Nat f*cking 20.
You look over at the orcish band
loading up their band equipment.
- Do you guys need help?
- You see one of them
says, "Oh, thanks, man,
"it got crazy in there.
"Are they still k*lling
that guy in there?"
- Again.
- "Oh, wow.
"Hey, yeah, if you wanna give
us a hand, sure, thank you."
You see he looks and
says, "Oh, by the way,
"I don't know if you know
any half-orcs around here
"that were adopted or anything like that.
"About 14, 15 years ago,
I had a human girlfriend
"here in town; we got pregnant
and we were just young,
"about 14 years old."
- Wow.
- "We were young.
"We f*cked up."
You see he says, "That'll happen."
- That's me, I'm a half-orc.
I don't know, I'm adopted.
Are you my dad?
- He pulls a little thing
and he shows a little picture
of Digby and Wilma at
the Thistlespring tree,
and him and a very young
girlfriend, teenagers.
He says, "We moved out to the Dune Fort,
"and, both almost 30, and we
thought we'd try to come back
"and find you."
- I'm here.
- So, he looks to you and says,
"These are your folks, Digby and Wilma?"
- Yeah.
- He goes—
- Those are my other mom and dad.
- You see he clasps you in
a giant hug, and he goes,
"Was that you shredding on
those drums like a maniac?"
- Yeah, that was me.
- You see he goes, "Well, holy sh*t.
"My name's Gorbag."
- No way.
- Yeah, Gorbag.
- I'm Gorgug! I mean,
you know that, right?
- Yeah, yeah, yeah!
- My name's Gorgug, I
should've led with that.
- He gives you a big hug, he's like...
He gets a little FaceTime on his phone,
and you see a woman in her late 20s there,
looks over and says, "Gorbag, what's up?"
He says, "Roz, look at this, look!
"This is Gorgug!"
You look at each other
and you see he says,
"Well, hell, holy sh*t, I thought
maybe you'd know somebody,
"but it's you!"
- I don't even know what to say,
I've been looking for you forever.
- He says,
"I almost didn't ask.
"Honestly, I—"
- You gotta ask.
I ask everyone if they're my dad.
- He's like, "People make fun of me
"because I've asked probably
five or six people today
"if they were my son."
- You just gotta keep asking.
- "Yeah, you just cast a wide net!
"I went up, there's one
kid, there was a kid—"
- Are you my dad?
Sorry, you're right.
- "No, it's okay.
"There was a kid in the mall I asked,
"there was a vulture that
was sitting on a post.
"Couldn't hurt to ask."
- I saw a vulture and I
almost, it flew away, but...
- He looks at you and says, "Well,
"I'd love to meet your folks
again, it's been a long time."
- Let's do it.
- "Let's do it."
You see he puts his arm around
you, you guys walk away.
- My girlfriend's k*lling him inside.
- Oh yeah, Zelda rushes out,
she gives you a kiss
on the cheek, and says,
This is so stupid
but did you get my playlist?"
- I did.
- You see she smiles and says, "Alright.
"I'm about to freak out, so I have to go."
and she f*cking just becomes
this dervish of blades, and goes in
and just is slaughtering
Kalvaxus back in the gym.
You see Gorthalax steps out...
Do you guys remember which
one of you k*lled Dayne?
- It was all three—
- Yeah, we k*lled him in a reaction.
- It was a reaction.
- Yeah, and just a giant bloodbath.
Long after the night's going
on, all your parents are there,
there's cop cars everywhere,
Arthur Aguefort walks up,
you see that the federal agent shows up.
She's like, "These kids have got to go."
Arthur Aguefort looks at
all the federal agents—
- I disguise myself as her.
- Arthur Aguefort says,
"Well, I'm confused,
"because you're saying one thing,
"but you over here are saying another.
"Agent Worell, should I
arrest the children or no?"
- I think you should arrest Angela.
- He freezes her in a block of ice.
"Huh, wild.
"Do any other federal agents
wanna step to Arthur Aguefort
"on the grounds of his school?
"That would be my question.
"Seems like no."
- Okay, unfreeze her, that was me.
I'm sorry.
- He stops it and you see he goes,
We'll handle
this the correct way."
All the federal agents go blank and go,
"Everything's good, nothing
here's against the law,"
and they walk away, and he goes,
"Ah, adventurers.
"Do whatever we want with no consequence.
"The Aguefort way!"
He smiles.
You see that there's a big
party, ice cream keeps raining
from the sky,
and you see that the girls come
out after they've just gone
to town, Kalvaxus is
a bloody f*cking mess.
You see that Antiope Jones is
there, and Sam Nightingale,
Katja Cleaver, Danielle
Barkstock, Ostentatia Wallace,
Zelda, Penny, they're all back.
- What happened with Zayn?
- You guys never figured that out.
- I think he's undead somewhere.
- You guys see that Gorthalax walks up
and you see that Aguefort
says, "Would you like
"to just make sure?"
Gorthalax says, "Well,
better to make sure."
A little window on the ground
wreathed in flame shows Hell.
You see it's fiery waste there.
Gorthalax and Aguefort step through.
Gorthalax looks at you and says,
"You wanna come in for a sec, kid?"
- To Hell?
- To Hell, yeah.
- Why not.
- You step through, you
see Kalvaxus in Hell.
He gets up.
"Oh, oh no.
"Things really didn't go my way."
Gorthalax looks and says,
"Hey, you belong here,
"and you belonged here a long time ago."
He produces a scroll, he
looks over at a forest
on the horizon, and says, "Oh, sh*t.
"You were supposed to
be here, this is wrong."
And he scrubs Gorgug's
name out of a roster.
- Ooh.
- "That'll happen sometimes.
"It's a bureaucracy, we make mistakes."
"Sorry, kiddo!" he yells at you.
- Oh, good.
- You see that Kalvaxus
stands up and says,
"Right, alright, I'm here now.
"I'm in Hell.
"I can make choices."
You hear a voice from the shadows.
Bill Seacaster leaps through the air,
lands on Kalvaxus's back,
puts a sword into his spine,
and splits him like a fish down his spine.
- Oh, Papa!
- Bill Seacaster says, "I
watched the whole thing, lad,
"the legend lives on!"
- Big hug.
- He clasps you.
You see he goes, "Alright,
lads, get to work."
Zombified flaming pirates,
all of Bill's crew
that has died, comes
rushing out of the fire,
and pries Kalvaxus apart from his back.
He goes, "No, no, no,
I'm still alive somehow,
"please don't do this!"
You see he says, "Alright,
lads, get it started!
"Main mast in the middle, deck on top;
"you know how to do it."
- Papa, are you turning
this man into a ship?
- "He dared to hurt my darling boy."
- Papa!
- And besides, I do need a
vessel to scour the Nine Hells,
to pillage and raid, from the
realms of these devil princes
and to finally take the throne
of the Ninth Pit for meself.
- Oh, Papa!
Well, you let me know
when you've done that,
I have to come visit.
- "Oh, we'll put out a spread for ya,
"it will be delightful."
- Oh, I can't wait.
- "I doubt Cathilda will end
up here, but if she does,
"I will make sure she gets the kippers."
- Kippers, yeah, okay, perfect.
- You see he says, "My boy, I love ya
"more than the sun and the moon."
He goes, "And you're in good hands now.
"I taught ya everything I can.
"It's about time you started learning
"from your mother, anyway."
- What?
- "Oh, your mother is the greatest fencer
"that's ever lived."
- Papa, you kid.
- "Why the hell you think I married her?
"You think I would just marry
someone for their looks?
"You can bed someone for their looks.
"Your mother cut my eye out of my head
"and I dropped to one knee on the spot."
- Well, Papa, then, this
has been fun, but I must go.
- "My boy, you have a whole life to lead
"and a legend to write.
"I love ya."
- Yeah, I love you.
- "Spread that dragon's wings wide!"
You see they've just built a f*cking ship.
Kalvaxus is like, "This
seems highly irregular,"
and they bind
his mouth, stretch it open.
He's like, "Pull on that tendon."
Fire shoots out of the mouth.
He says, "Set sail for the
Nine Hells, to k*ll the Devil!
"Bye, Fabian!"
- Bye, Papa.
- The ship takes off
into the skies of Hell,
flapping its wings, and this hellish crew
of pirates flies away.
- That's my father.
- "That's a lot to live up to."
- I'll do it, easily.
Very easily.
- "That's my boy!"
You guys walk back through
the burning portal,
and we're gonna run a little epilogue now.
- Wait, I need to ask Aguefort something.
- Yeah, go ahead.
- Aguefort, everyone's gone
through huge transformations
and had these wonderful things.
Riz avenged his dad, Kristen
Applebees created her own god,
Fabian made peace with his dad,
all these wonderful things;
I have the cl*max of my story that I need.
- "Young girl, absolutely."
- Will you make Gilear the vice principal?
- "Young lady, I have no idea who that is,
"and I'm telling you right now, yes.
"I will make whoever that
person is the vice principal."
- He's currently the Lunch Lad,
you'll meet him soon enough.
- "The Lunch Lad?
"How festive!
"He shall be my vice principal,
"until the ending of the world."
- Thank you so much.
- Can I cast Locate
Person on Zayn Darkshadow?
I feel really bad that we never found him.
- You guys head over
to Cravencroft Cemetery
after the celebration,
your parents are all there.
You see the little gray thing, Edgar,
pops out of your thing,
rushes over to a grave.
You see on a hilltop, in the night,
suddenly a flash,
and you see a velocipede,
a penny-farthing bicycle, huge bicycle.
- Oh, exhausting.
- You suddenly hear
and it crashes, and you hear,
"Oh no.
"Ah, not again.
"My an*s this time."
You see Sylvester the undertaker
has crashed on his bike.
- Why have we come here?
- You see Edgar runs off to the grave,
you see the little gray
pearl in your hand,
and you hear sobbing, and you
see a ghostly Zayn Darkshadow
at his grave, translucent, weeping.
- Zayn.
- Hey, Zayn.
- "I'm so happy."
- Oh, that makes sense.
- No, wait, why, how are you happy?
- You're a ghost, man,
you're the ultimate god.
- Zayn stands up, you see that
he takes his ghostly little patch off
and he takes his little fishnets off,
'cause he doesn't need them
anymore, he's a f*cking ghost,
and you see there's actually
a quite beautiful, reedy,
elven wizard here.
You see he wipes his eyes and he goes,
"I'm so sorry about the book.
"Coach was paying for my apartment
"and my parents suck, I
didn't have any family."
- Mine too, my parents really suck.
- They do?
- Mm-hmm.
They just went back to Fallinel, I think,
they didn't even tell me.
- My parents were elven assholes too.
- What is up with that?
- I don't know, it's a weird
cultural thing I don't get.
- You guys have so much in common.
I'm just gonna walk this way, actually.
- I don't need a ghost boyfriend.
- Are you sure?
- I mean, you were really
pushing to come find him
and now you did, and I just
wanna give you your moment.
- Are you okay?
- "Yeah, I'm okay.
"Coach is bad, he was a stooge.
"But you guys, it sounds like
you guys solved everything."
- Pretty much.
- "I see;" he says,
"I don't mean this in a shitty way,
"but if you ever did wanna just come,
"I don't have my spell
books here at the cemetery.
"If you ever wanted to just
hang out and do magic together,
"that'd be awesome."
- Yeah.
Cool, it would be cool to—
- It sounds like a date to me.
- I'm gonna go!
- I cast Ray of Sickness, so—
- You see Zayn goes like,
"Whatever, it's whatever,
"they're just busting your chops."
- I'm gonna go.
- He's like, "Cool.
"I'll see you guys later."
You guys leave from Cravencroft.
- I wanna hang my dad's
bandolier over his grave.
- You hang your bandolier over his grave.
- And I tell him that I ate the dragon.
Or I will.
I have leftovers.
- You feel so happy in this moment.
Couple things that I'm gonna go through
in an epilogue real quick:
Bill Seacaster's funeral,
your mother is there.
Peacoat, sweatpants,
huge bags under her eyes,
cup of coffee in her hand, shaking;
she goes, Tomorrow,
we're going to start
"training you how to actually swordfight."
- Oh, I can't wait.
- "Thank you for saying
what you said.
"God, I haven't been sober in 15 years."
- It looks good on you, Mama, truly.
- At Bill Seacaster's funeral,
the roof of the church
rips off,
and you see a giant
tornado full of gold coins.
- Oh, hello!
Yes, I have.
No, never.
Yes!
- It tears off.
- I didn't know you spoke tornado.
- I do.
- Adaine, you get so
many offers from Hudol,
you get an offer from the
Oracle Academy in Fallinel,
and you decline them all.
- What if I just went?
I don't need to go to the Oracle Academy,
I am the Oracle.
- You're living with Jawbone and Tracker.
Kristen, Tracker is helping you spread
the gospel of Yes to people.
- She's helping me spread something.
- Gorgug, you end your days
sitting on the bleachers,
sharing headphones with Zelda.
- Cute.
- Everyone knows you at school and says,
"Hey, Gorgug, what's up, man?"
- Not much.
- Fabian, you are the
absolutely king of the school.
After Dayne's death, you're
the undisputed captain
of the Owlbears.
- Oh, it's about time.
- Fig, your
band, which needs a name,
is f*cking shredding.
There's a great dinner with
the Thistlesprings meeting
your biological mom and dad.
Your mom and dad joined the band,
and it's Gorthalax, you two,
them; you guys f*cking shred.
- Hell yeah.
- Riz, your mom comes to
you, throws you a stack
of business cards in Fabian's calligraphy.
She says, "They made an exception.
"Here's your license."
Tosses the license to you.
- Oh my God.
- Arthur Aguefort comes to you guys
on the last day of school.
Sklonda and Gorthalax end up together.
Hallariel says, at the funeral,
"I don't think
I'll ever see another man
"like Bill again."
She looks over and you see Gilear says,
"I've spilled some sauce."
- No, Mama, no.
Mama.
- Yes!
- Mama, no.
- Yes!
- He looks over and says, "I am
Vice Principal of the Aguefort-"
- Mama?
Can I pull my mother aside real quick?
Mama, I will k*ll this man.
I will happily k*ll this man before you.
- "I'll k*ll you first,
it's not up to you."
You see that Sandra Lynn
ends up with Jawbone.
- She always did love a bad boy, I guess.
- And at the very last day of school,
you see that Arthur
Aguefort comes up and says,
"I couldn't be more proud of you all.
"Did you remember to lock
my office when you left?"
- I kicked the door down.
- He did break the door.
- "Because the Nightmare
King's crown is missing."
- Oh, no.
- "Are you busy on your summer vacation?"
- Yes.
- "With what?"
- I'm not busy at all.
- There's a girl
who's currently held by
the state in Fallinel,
and I've business to take care of.
- And that is all for this
final episode of Fantasy High.
Thanks for tuning in.
"Well, well, well, what an exciting year
"at the Aguefort Adventuring Academy!
"We defeated Kalvaxus, a new god was born,
"and I k*lled myself.
"All in a year's work.
"But, what of our intrepid heroes?
"What exciting new adventures
lay on the horizon for them?"
- After turning
down truly so many offers
from prestigious elven whatevers,
I, Adaine, instead study
divinatory practices
from all of Spyre's many cultures,
and gladly stay on at Aguefort,
a proud, practical caster.
I also live with Jawbone and Tracker.
- Oh, really,
you live with Tracker?
Huh, cool.
Maybe I can come visit sometime.
- Until I can
emancipate myself in junior year.
Oh, and in my capacity as Elven Oracle,
I help re-enroll Zayn
Darkshadow at Aguefort
as its first ghost student.
- I bet he gets to eat ghost steak.
- Naturally.
I also helped free Basrar
from his ice-cream curse,
and my senior thesis, a new spell entitled
Basrar's Spontaneous Confection,
is very well-received.
- She also joins the
AV club, along with me,
and we totally fix it up.
- Yes, much more inclusive.
- Plus, Shellford's
getting help from Jawbone now,
which is great.
- Oh, good for him.
I wonder if he and Skrank would
help me research my jacket.
You know, there's an entire civilization
of people in here that's—
- As Elmville's youngest
licensed investigator,
I'm hot on the case of who took
the Nightmare King's crown.
Probably one of the faculty.
- Porter.
- Probably not, but
I also get to hang out
with Penny again, which is rad.
She and the other maidens formed
their own adventuring party;
they're total badasses.
- Come now, The
Ball, they're our rivals.
- Into it.
- Sure, but it's a very chill sitch,
and, you know, people
still call me The Ball,
which I'm fine with.
It's just friends having fun with friends,
it's not bullying.
- I think having
a nickname is nice.
I wish I had one.
- Sorry, excuse me, excuse me,
is The Ball not your real name?
- I'll give you a real
Fig and the Sig Figs!
That's the name of our
rockin' bass-led band!
We've got shows at the
Black Pit, the Dune Fort,
and we're headlining the Blood w*r
in Bastion City June 15th.
We're really good, too.
Gorgug's our drummer
and he can shred, man!
- I can?
Aww, thanks!
Wow, I'm a shredder.
- I spend a lot
of time out on missions
spreading the gospel of Yes.
I have some doubts about
my god, but that's okay!
Doubt can be good.
And Tracker is helping me figure out
this whole prophet-of-a-new-deity thing,
and she's so great at
listening.
Anyway, who says
you have to fully believe
in order to believe, you know?
- As for me,
I mostly just hang out.
I've gotten all these friends now.
I guess that tin flower worked, huh?
Zelda is so great, and she and
I practice barbarian stuff.
- I do too!
- Fig, go to bard class!
- Eh, not interested.
- Ragh actually
practices with us too.
We ended up becoming really good friends.
- He and Shellford
are helping me start up
the LGBT student union.
We're having a singalong
and a scrapbooking party,
it's gonna be great.
- That's awesome!
I talk on the crystal with
Roz and Gorbag all the time,
which is great, but home
is where the tree is,
and at the end of the day,
it doesn't take a nat 20
to tell you that Wilma's
my mom and Digby's my dad.
- And I, Fabian
Aramais Seacaster—
- Here we go.
- I said,
Fabian Aramais Seacaster,
mount a daring rescue attempt
to free my love, Aelwyn Abernant—
- My b*tch sister?
Don't you f*cking dare!
- From captivity!
I inherit my father's blood
feuds, trained with my mother,
the greatest swordswoman who ever lived,
and Hangman and I start assembling a crew
for this expedition.
The tornado's a, good place to start.
Maybe the Cubbies?
Maybe the portal, yeah.
- Children, as
your vice principal—
- Gilear!
- Yes, daughter, it is I.
I must once again inform you all
that you are indeed late for class.
I have neither the power
nor the emotional fortitude
to make you do as you should,
so please, I beg of you,
heed this extremely reasonable request.
- You got it, Gilear.
- Bye, everybody!
- Fair winds, and safe travels.
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01x17 - Prompocalypse Pt. 2
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.