- Welcome, one and all, to another
Exciting episode of a crown of candy.
I'm your humble dungeon
master brennan lee mulligan,
With me as always are our intrepid heroes,
Say hi, intrepid heroes.
- Hi, intrepid heroes!
- I don't think you're that humble.
- Oh!
And then ruby died in a
storytelling accident.
- Last we left our wonderful
sweet candy heroes,
They were in the capital city of comida,
The seat of the concordant empire
Atop the great pyramid of food.
And there had been a grand tournament,
And an attempt on the
life of king amethar.
A poison dagger, by
the way, you should add
Those two poison daggers
to your inventory.
- Ooh, oh hell yeah.
- Yeah, you
didn't give them to anybody.
- f*ck yeah.
- Inventory?
- Water steel daggers,
particularly poisonous to candians.
Dissolves the very
substance of their bodies.
- I give one of them to jet.
- Sweet.
- Sir keradin deeproot,
paladin of the bulbian church,
Attempted to m*rder king amethar,
And but for some extremely quick thinking
On king amatar's part to
simply disqualify himself
From the match, some very
discrete warlock magic
From chancellor lapin, some less-Discrete
Candian druidic magic from the
count of freezyburg himself,
Liam wilhelmina.
- I'm in trouble.
- And a quick arrest of sir keradin,
Our heroes found him arrested,
The pontifex sentenced him to be hanged,
He was brought to the imperial garrison
Where he was quickly questioned
by lapin and sir theobald.
Lapin got some pretty huge
information out of sir keradin,
Discovering that the water steel daggers
Were given to sir keradin by
primogen fettucina alfredi.
- I didn't trust her.
She was always laying down in her mini.
- There you go.
- Can't even stand.
- You can tell so much from the mini.
- You can tell so much from the mini.
- I thought she just seemed
really pretty and elegant.
- Really chill.
- However, we are going
to begin our session
Amidst the slippered
feet of the tartguard,
Walking back up the hill
to the top of comida
And the great pyramid of
food with king amethar,
His twin daughters, and his cousin liam.
As you guys are walking,
what occupies your mind,
Returning from this
botched grand tournament?
- I think i wanna be within five feet
Of both ruby and liam.
- Mm-Hmm.
- And my dad.
I think i'm just trying
to be like a focal point
In between all of them, because
i'm worried about all three.
- I'm like looking for exits,
I'm just doing that thing
where i'm just clocking,
Like oh, this is the secret door
Where the servants go through,
This is a rooftop that
we could scramble over.
- I'd like to talk to amethar.
- Yeah, absolutely.
A deep raspberry glow in the sky
As the sun lowers in the
west over the bay of pulp.
The smell of fruit goes over comida.
Your paranoia, ruby, has caused yak
To take off from your shoulder,
And he circles the city overhead,
His butterscotch eyes peeled
for any threat of danger.
You both walk side by
side with each other.
Ruby and jet have double
leveled up once more.
Having fought side by side
with annabelle cheddar,
The captain of the dairy islands,
And having successfully jumped into
The defense of your father,
you feel a certainty
In your step and a stride,
you've been so tricky
Your whole adolescence, and
suddenly you are in a place
Where it doesn't feel like tricks
Are going to cut it anymore,
and you find your hand
Just drifting, almost without thought
To just rest comfortably
on the basket hilt
Of your aunt's magical sword.
- Ruby, do i look so badass right now?
- Dude, you have no idea.
- Ruby, i think i'm gonna take the throne.
- Shut up.
That's really cool.
- Thank you.
- I really think it's cool, and i think
You're gonna do a great job.
- I was thinking maybe
like i could be king
And you could be queen.
- That's not how it works,
and that's really incesty.
- Okay, i'll keep—
- You should've paid a little
bit more attention in class.
I know it's boring.
- Okay, but we could redefine
what king and queen means.
A king and a queen is just
about having a connection.
You cannot argue, we have
a deeper connection—
- Right, but can i get married?
- Yeah, you can get married.
- You can have a really
deep connection without sex.
Sorry, hi.
- Hi liam.
- Liam, do you wanna be
something in my court?
- Yeah, definitely.
- Okay.
- So less than 30 minutes after declaring
To all of the assembled
dignitaries of the six kingdoms
That she would neither
marry nor take the throne,
Princess jet has pulled a hard 180.
- No, i said i wouldn't marry.
- Oh, that's correct, you
said you wouldn't marry.
- I said i wouldn't marry,
and then i thought about it,
And i thought, well, if i'm the king,
Then i can just decide
what the customs are,
And so i don't have to get married,
And i don't have to produce an heir.
- You two walk side by side.
As you are filled with that
certainty, ruby, you look over,
As you're looking around, you and liam
Also talking to each other.
The martial certainty that fills jet
Is not what fills you two.
Your eyes begin to dart around, ruby.
You've always had sharp vision,
Which is what drew you to
archery in the first place,
And liam, you begin to feel not sight
But other senses reach out,
something deep in the ground,
As though spirits of the
earth are talking to you.
You've always had a keen ear.
It's never been interesting
to you what people say
Or talk about when there's
bird song to listen to,
What the wind is doing, trees and leaves,
And there's so much the natural
world is trying to tell you.
And you guys feel, in
this place where magic
Is feared and hated, a welling up
Of the candian magic within you.
Ruby, you look to a window for a moment,
And passing the window, you see a swirl
Of sparkling indigo cloak
and smiling eyes that you saw
In inky blackness when
you fell atop the wagon
On the sucrosi road.
- Shh.
- As you stop for a moment,
your aunt smiles at you
From the reflection in the glass,
And stepping from the
inky blackness behind her,
You see a tall, warm
chocolate-Armored woman
With a rapier at her side,
who elbows the reflection
Of the archmage, smiles looking at jet,
The two of them vanish.
- Did you see that?
- Hmm?
Oh, did you not hear me?
I was just talking about some initiatives
I was thinking about for when i was king.
- Oh, cool, yeah, no, sorry, i was, yeah.
Great, good.
- What did you see?
- It's nothing, i just
thought that i saw something
Out of the corner of my eye, but.
- Cool.
So anyways, yeah.
- King amethar, you are...
How many hit points are you at right now?
- Nine.
- You're at nine.
When you watch your father once again,
Bloodied and covered in scars,
Sort of bandaged, but the bandages seep,
And you can smell the deep,
syrupy purple-Pink smell
Of the candy blood of
your father, the king.
You look down and you still see that like,
Fruit cork binding on the edge
of payment day as you walk.
- Ah, i think i crack it off
and continue to walk in silence
With payment day at my side,
just a little bit straighter.
- A sense of martial
readiness returns to you.
The attack on the road was a mystery,
And what happened in the
tournament is a mystery as well,
But one with fewer answers
than the attack on the road,
And a kind of wild, aggressive instinct
Returns to you from many long years
Since you have needed its use.
Liam, you wanted to say
something to amethar.
- Yeah.
So, do you think i'm in trouble?
How obvious was it?
I know you were in the middle of dying.
- I was in the middle of dying.
I don't know how obvious it was.
- Okay.
- But liam?
- Mm-Hmm.
- You saved my life.
And whatever happens,
we will deal with it.
- And liam's on the council now.
- Yeah, you are currently on
the council of the empire,
And you've got both the
king and the future king
On your side.
- Two kings.
- I don't think you should
bet on being on the council.
I'm not sure the tournament
will be considered
Valid in any way.
- But that's so unfair, he won.
- I mean, it ended early, you know,
Because i got stabbed by poison.
- The should give you the boon,
Because you got stabbed by poison.
- That's very sweet of
you, but that's not it.
- I just remember looking up in the stands
And seeing everybody look
at me like i was evil.
- Liam, i'm going to be honest,
I think there was a vibe against you.
- There was definitely a vibe.
- They hated me, right?
I knew, see, i can tell
when people hate me.
- It wasn't personal.
- Liam, it's the same thing
that we talked about, the rope,
But what you did, you had to do.
- Yeah, right?
- You had to do it.
And i'm glad that you did it,
and you shouldn't feel bad
About doing it, and whatever
comes from it, we will handle.
You're not going anywhere
unless you want to.
- Okay.
Cool.
- Not to mention, when i'm king of candia,
Magic will be perfectly legal.
It will flow from the faucets.
- Yes.
- I'm gonna open a kindergarten.
- Cool!
- Just one kindergarten?
- You're gonna open one
kindergarten for all of candia?
You're gonna be the best king ever.
- We don't have kindergarten right now.
- I know.
- That is a huge improvement.
- That'd be huge.
- You have start them young.
- Yeah, we only start at
first grade right now,
So if we started at
kindergarten, that would be—
- But specifically a magic kindergarten.
- Yeah, kinder egg garden.
- Oh!
That's big news.
- We're not allowed to
say brand names, but.
- That's cool.
Okay, good, 'cause
honestly, everyone was like,
Looking at me, and everyone
was kinda whispering,
And people started running,
and i almost started running.
Do you think we should pick like,
I don't know, like a
meet-Up spot or something,
If i ever have to run, that
i can meet up with you guys?
- Well, you'll always be safe in candia,
That is for certain.
But—
- I would say for now, if you need to run,
Trust that we can find you.
I mean, cal is an incredible tracker,
We have things at our disposal
that we will find you.
But as far as i'm concerned,
there's no need to run,
Because nothing's going to happen to you.
- We could also open like a po box.
- Yeah, we could do
that, and then we could
Send each other letters.
- That's another thing
that you should do as king,
You should have a postal system.
- Centralized postal system.
- How about we say this.
If you can't find me and you
find some like bloomed flowers
Tacked to some trees, that will lead you
In the wrong direction.
- Oh, a twist.
- Okay.
- Great, that makes sense, because that's
What people will think.
- Totally.
- Yeah.
- They see peppermint
flowers, i mean, come on,
They're looking for the
peppermint boy, i mean, come on.
I'll be in one of the other
364 other possible directions
To look for me.
- I like that.
- You see, you guys arrive—
- 359, i'm so sorry.
- You guys arrive back at your quarters
In the great pyramid of food.
The tartguard takes their positions,
You are surrounded by, so the tartguard
Are protecting your quarters
and then outside of that
Are imperial guard.
You see that more imperial
guard show up as well,
And sir morris brie actually
comes with a contingent
Of dairy islanders, and
asks for a brief audience
With the king.
- I grant it.
- He comes in and says, sir, sorry,
We weren't at the tournament.
We heard about the attempt on your life.
If you wish for us to stand
guard on the quarters,
We would be honored to do so.
- There's no need.
We have what we need,
between the imperial guard
And the candians.
You keep an eye on lady coldbottle.
- He nods and says, the duchess's safety
Is of course first priority.
You see that manta ray looks up,
And he for once isn't like joking.
He looks over at you and says,
Right there, well, i'll say this.
I'm not a man who likes to
take the bulb's judgment
Into his own name, but
if there is any justice
Granted by the bulb above,
then it'll send that carrot
To the deepest pit of
the hungry one's stomach,
And that's for certain.
Spits.
- Yeah.
- He salutes you, and they take off.
You guys are just back in
your quarters right now.
- I wanna check out the window
situation, like i wanna see—
- Oh, preston can set a bunch of alarms.
- That's what i was gonna say,
I was gonna do a bunch of booby traps.
- Okay, preston, we need
to make this place safe.
- Right.
- Preston goes into a corner and wiggles,
And sneezes a bunch of
peppermint dust, and just starts
Doing that in the various
corners of the room.
- Right.
- Trust his process.
- I also have a bunch of
ball bearings and oil,
And i'd like to set some traps.
- I think we're doing home alone.
- I have a bunch of micro-Machines,
and they're peppermint.
- I'd like to send a
tartguard to find cal, lapin,
And theobald as soon as possible.
- Okay, watch out for my ball bearings.
- A tart, you guys are, so
we'll cut back to you guys
Outside of the dungeon.
What do you guys do outside,
you say that cal looks,
As you pull this move,
cal really looks at you,
And you can see a look of like,
I haven't seen this f*ck'
crusty rabbit bust a move yet.
He goes, very well done, chancellor.
- I thank you.
So the guard has gone to,
as we understand, arrest—
- Oh, there's plenty, this
is an imperial garrison,
There's like 100 soldiers left to like,
Guard sir keradin's cell,
f*ck' man the battlements,
And grissini just took
40 dudes and himself
To go arrest the primogen.
- Should we join the—
- Should we join the arrest
or should we get back?
- I think we should join the arrest.
I could inhabit sprinkle for a second,
And maybe try to send a message to them?
- Sounds good to me.
- Cool.
- I'm laying out a saucer for sprinkle.
- Actually, could i like, i know i can,
Oh, it's only if it's
within 100 feet of me.
So he's very far away.
But always obeys your commands.
Yeah, okay.
Sprinkle's just hanging out.
- Sprinkle looks at the
saucer you laid out for him
And goes, inchworms
up the side of the bed,
Goes up onto the bed post, and does a full
Like wrestling dive to
like, pile drive the saucer,
It shatters and he just rolls
around twitching in the milk.
- No foe too small for this one.
- I tried, it didn't go well.
I have a headache now.
- You okay?
- Cool, you fall in line with those.
You see, grissini nods, and go ahead
And make an insight check,
you guys, if you would like.
- Okay.
- Jesus christ.
Six, seven.
- 11.
- Yikes.
- Okay.
You see that grissini looks
over at you, lapin, and says,
Primogen lapin.
I will pronounce sentence,
but if you could lend
The authority of the church, it will
Make this process much easier.
- I think i should go with them.
Do you wanna join me?
- Yeah, i'll come along.
- You see that cal looks over and says,
Hmm, maybe three candians
with the imperial guard
Is too many, it sends a message
That we are pulling more
favor than we should,
In an equal concord.
- Should you or i go to the
king, or should both of us?
- You see that the tartguard
comes at that point
To collect calroy anyway, and he says,
Well, that's our decision made.
Best of luck, i'll see you.
This feels insanely
paranoid, if you're not back
In a certain amount of time, how much time
Before we come look for you?
- I would say if we haven't contacted you
In the next hour or two,
come look for us, yeah.
- All right.
He heads off with the tartguard,
You guys head off with the imperial guard.
- Oh, maybe have ruby send her bird
Towards where we would be—
- You see he says, as he
speaks in fluent ceresian
To commander grissini,
grissini talks back,
He nods and says, good,
well, you'll at least
Have some eyes in the sky.
- Before calroy leaves, i wanna ask him,
Or talk to him real
fast, but i don't trust
A lot that is happening here.
I think it would be
wise if we figured out,
If we explored our options
in the routes of a boat.
- Ah, well, as luck would have it,
The people that seem to like us the most
Have a great deal of boats.
I will get right on that, i
think that is very prudent.
I want to say, with the
tournament's conclusion
And the fact that they will be
Honoring the results, it seems,
We may have a concordant emperor
As early as tomorrow morning.
So we'll either need
a boat or we will need
To resize the concordant throne to fit
Our liege lord's impressive frame.
So let's keep our fingers
crossed for the latter, shall we?
All right.
You guys head off with the
imperial guard marching.
They head up this big
highway, calroy takes off
With the tartguard.
You guys arrive at the
great pyramid of food.
Constano talks to a couple
of the imperial guard,
He doesn't meet anyone that outranks,
Actually, i'm just gonna
do a flat luck check.
No, he meets nobody that outranks him.
He moves to the great pyramid,
And he arrives in sort of a central grotto
In the base of the great pyramid of food
That is lit with beautiful
sort of olive-Smelling
Torchlight, you see huge
sheaves of grain everywhere.
In this grotto you see that the primogen,
With her glowing eyes,
is lounging in a corner,
And you see seated across from her,
With this huge entourage of non-Imperial
Ceresian military, so actual
ceresian loyalist military.
There's a lot of ceresian military here,
And there's a little moment
of tension, you realize,
As you're looking at
ceresian imperial army
With then ceresian loyalists in this room.
Or not loyalists, but
national ceresian military.
They walk in, and
everyone sort of looks up.
Across from the primogen
is senator ciabatta,
Big bread loaf guy.
He looks up, stands up, and says,
Lord commander grissini.
To what do we owe the pleasure?
Grissini, whatever expression on his face
Is completely blank, he just
slams the butt of his spear
Twice into the ground and says,
By the order of his imperial
majesty, gustavo uvano,
First of his name, emperor of the concord,
I pronounce you, primogen
fettucina alfredi,
Under arrest by the
authority of the emperor,
He looks to you.
- And my authority as primogen
of the bulbian church.
- She stands up.
She doesn't look f*ck' shook
for a moment until you talk.
She looks around and says,
what is the meaning of this?
I am a primogen of the church.
You forget yourself, chancellor lapin.
- You forget the bulbian faith.
We have found you out, we
know you made the daggers.
- Huge gasp all across the room.
She says, he is lying to
you, this is not the truth.
He speaks in falsehoods.
There's a tense moment, and i think
Maybe you guys are reminded of stuff
That calroy talked about when
he was talking about politics,
And he was saying like, it's
all just a bunch of lies
We're all pretending is true, and you look
At all of these legal relationships,
But then you also see what
is really in front of you,
Which is a room full of people
with weapons and maybe magic.
Senator ciabatta looks
at primogen alfredi,
He looks at you.
Senator ciabatta regards you.
Takes one step back, and you
see grissini's men advance,
Alfredi attempts to make
a f*ck' run for it,
And they jump, grab her, the
second they put hands on her,
She just stops and just
squares up and goes silent,
And just keeps her face turned to you,
You can't see, you know, she has no pupils
To direct her vision, keeps
her head tilted towards you
As she's walked out of the pyramid.
- I bow to the senator and say,
thank you for understanding.
I appreciate your decision
making in this difficult time.
- He raises a glass and says,
i owe you my thanks, primogen,
I was trapped in a very
boring conversation.
You see, he looks at the two of you,
Grissini goes to take his men.
Are you going to accompany
grissini back with alfredi,
Or are you gonna, it looks
like the senator actually,
He has actually this very
friendly body language to you,
And is kind of looking
to wait for grissini
And the imperials to leave, it looks like.
Almost like, he has that thing of like,
Are we out of earshot, are we out earshot?
- Cool, maybe i'll go
back and just make sure
Nobody makes a run for it or anything?
- You'll accompany them to—
- I'll go back with them,
and then i'll join you
Back at the quarters.
- Okay, yeah.
- Awesome.
So you head out.
You see senator ciabatta
looks at you and says,
It is a very bold move
to come into this place,
The grotto of the ceresian senate,
And arrest our primogen in front of us.
It is a type of bravery that i find
Is severely lacking in my homeland.
I wish more of our church
and senate officials
Had your same bravado.
- I don't find it brave on my end.
I feel as though i'm just
following the steps laid out
By the great bulb itself.
- Ah yes, may all of our
steps be guided by the bulb
He says, tell me, if you are free,
You wish to take a walk
with me out on the ramparts.
I find the sunsets here in comida
Are que bella, most beautiful.
The pulp bay, the way that the juice
Reflects the light of the bulb, it is—
- Yes, the juice of the
bay is quite stunning.
- Yes.
On a hot day, you can
really smell it, you know?
I went out there on the
middle of highbright one year
When i was here, and i tell
you, it was like chunky.
- Yes.
- I went for a swim and
got stuck, you know?
- Oh.
- Yes.
He goes off to take a walk.
You see some like soldiers
fall in behind him.
He shoots a little look over
at some of the other senators,
Who kind of, give me an
insight check, actually.
- Nat one.
- Cool.
You take a walk, what was that siobhan?
- It's a bad time to roll a nat one.
- He takes a walk with
you out on the ramparts
And just goes, i must say,
i am a little bit bashful.
The might of ceresia is second to none,
And yet nobody is trying
to attack us on the road,
Or k*ll us in the middle
of a grand tournament.
It almost feels like
hurtful to our feelings, no?
- Well, i do not envy
the strength of ceresia.
How well do you know alfredi?
- I know alfredi more than i would like,
And i would say that most that know her
Know her more than they would like.
- Hmm.
- She's going to be in the prison
For at least this evening
Before the pontifex can see her moved
To a religious prison, correct?
- I would believe so.
- I have spoken already to
our king with my suspicions
That at the tournament,
sir keradin deeproot
Of vegatania did not act alone.
Your careful work, whatever it was,
Where i could not see has
proven my suspicion accurate,
If you wished to accompany me tonight,
I think there are some mysteries
we could solve together
About our good friend,
the primogen alfredi,
Who i do not think is
exactly as she seems.
- I think lapin considers this,
And how packed this day has been.
- Just a big day.
- Lapin's big day.
- Lapin's big day!
- I would appreciate that.
We've been in a number of situations
With very few answers lately,
and to find some would be...
- In a city like comida,
the questions are many
And the answers few.
When an opportunity comes to strike,
It's important to strike quick.
I will send message to
you by secret channels.
We can meet.
This little expedition i have planned
Cannot be conducted as a matter
of state, you understand?
- Hmm.
- This would be a little bit of leg work.
- I'm gonna use, well,
can i use illusory script?
- Yeah, right now?
- Yes.
I want to just write a...
Please forgive me for being
overly cautious in this moment,
But i would love for
whoever comes to find me
To hand me this note, and i write on it,
And then with illusory
script, write "for candia,"
So that you, without having this,
You wouldn't be able to read it, right?
- Yes, that's correct.
- Okay.
And so that would be invisible.
So to the naked eye, i'll
just write "lapin" on it.
- You see he nods.
He says, this will be your mark.
I will deliver it.
Bring as many of your cohort as you wish,
Although i would say bring those
who can keep a low profile.
I will be coming by myself.
- Wow.
- He smiles and says,
oh, you must understand,
I'm not afraid of the th*gs and criminals
That populate the back alleys of comida.
- Can i get insight check on him?
- Yeah, give me an insight check.
- This dude just rule,
is that what's going on?
19.
- Sometimes people just rule.
- Dude's got a lot of f*ck' swagger.
Give me a history check, too.
- Ooh, 24?
- 24.
You would know this about ciabatta.
Ciabatta has been a senator
for about four years.
There's been only peace
encountered over the past 20 years,
But within ceresia, there
were some insurrections
That crop up from time to time,
So it wasn't a w*r across borders,
But of a certain internecine
like civil conflict
That happened about five years ago.
Ciabatta's a w*r hero.
- Mm-Hmm.
- He's like a gladiator in the pits,
He was like low-Born, fought his way up
Through fighting pits,
he joined the military,
Became a commander, and
was able to win election
To the senate purely by virtue
of having been a w*r hero.
So when he talks about like going alone,
He means like, the bodyguards around me
Are not gonna be better at
protecting me than i am.
- Dude rules.
- Dude rules.
- Dude rules.
- I bow to the senator,
and i guess make my way?
- Yeah, make your way back.
Cool, theo, you accompany the guard back.
- I think i'm not looking to really
Do too much spying or anything like that.
I think i just wanna make sure
They don't get like intercepted by the—
- Right, and yak is
flying over him, right?
So i can be in my bedroom
just warging into yak
And seeing what's going on.
- Absolutely.
- Yeah, so i just wanna kind of—
- At least when you're outside.
- Make sure that she actually
gets delivered to a jail cell,
And then—
- She goes back to the same
imperial garrison with keradin,
Put deep into a place,
and they actually put
Some extra stuff on her,
they put like finger locks
And they bind her mouth, because they know
She's a miracle worker.
- Got it.
Great.
Good work, everyone.
Everything seems to be in order.
- Grissini nods and
looks a little bit sick.
Cool.
- I'll just rejoin these
guys, i'll go back to the—
- Cruller arrives back
first at your quarters.
- Cal.
- Your majesty.
How are you feeling?
- Like sh*t.
- I can imagine.
- When everyone's back,
i'd like us all to talk.
- Quickly, you know, the rest of you guys,
Short walk with the
senator and theo comes back
A moment or two later.
You guys are all back in your quarters.
- Fantastic.
- We relay everything that happened.
- I'm sorry.
What?
- And i was like—
- You said what about the bulb?
- I was like, where's your bulb now?
- Oh!
- A bunch of tartguard outside
that shouldn't be listening
All go, woo!
- Yes, yes, lapin.
- I can't believe everybody's cool.
- It was uncharacteristically rad.
- I feel like you guys sheltered
us from even yourselves.
- Yeah, why would you do that?
Why would you not want our respect?
- This guy's always been cool.
I mean, come on.
- Liam knows.
- Anyway.
Who is in the room right now?
- The six of you, your pets,
cruller, and the lady donetta.
Lord and lady swirlie are
asking to attend as well.
- I ask lady donetta if she
would entertain the swirlies.
If she would entertain the swirlies loudly
One room over and make sure that there are
No tartguard listening in.
- She curtsies and bows, she leaves,
So it's just the six of you guys, cal,
And i think the pets and that's it.
- And i can maybe cast prestidigitation
To create like a musical
effect near the doors
So that anybody who was listening in
Is just hearing music, yeah.
- Lovely.
- Yes, we're doing band practice.
- Yes, and we have a family jam band.
Playing some sublime
and other fun jam hits.
- So cal says, well, we're
having a little meeting.
He takes his hat off his
little frosting head,
And takes little meeting notes, and says,
All right, so, where are we at?
- Cal is cruller, right?
- Yes.
- I take my crown off my head
and like undo my like cape.
I take my sword off my
back, i put it on a table
Or the floor or whatever,
and i look around, i say,
As far as i'm concerned,
this is a w*r council,
And we are at w*r.
- Really?
- It's a quiet w*r, and
it is a w*r that is ours,
It is not one that i mean
to speak about publicly,
But a direct attack has
been made against me twice
And foiled by you, and
i believe it is because
I am the king of candia.
So as far as i'm concerned,
someone is attacking me,
And that is a declaration of w*r.
We do not know who our enemy is,
And thusly, we cannot trust as
many people as i would like,
And even i must acknowledge that now.
- I couldn't agree more.
This is definitely not peace.
- No.
- Like everyone keeps telling us.
- I know i don't have a
military position, but—
- You're a seed guy.
- Yeah, i'm a seed guy.
- Famously not a w*r guy.
- I'm famously not a w*r guy.
- It's gotten around.
- I'm really good at not being seen.
I spend a very god amount
of life not being seen.
It's the thing i'm best at.
I also speak ceresian, i
could go walk around tonight
And i could try to eavesdrop and i could
Try to see what i could see.
Yes.
Sneak squad.
- I think that you are
both like in danger,
In active danger because of your magic.
- Yeah, they can spot us.
- If you guys are going, i
will be going as your theobald.
- I am not comfortable with liam going,
As good as you are at stealth.
Should you be caught, the amount of danger
That you would be in—
- Only magic could catch me,
with how stealthy i could be.
I could pass without a
trace, and truly only magic
Would be able to find
me, and it sounds like
If everyone's so anti-Magic,
they're not using magic.
- They're anti-Other types of magic.
There are people who command
the magic of the bulb,
Who have real magic.
- I'm also starting to think
that magic being ill*gal
Is just magic is ill*gal for the people
That it is inconvenient
for them to have it.
- Yeah.
It's not fair.
- There are very powerful
mages who share your theories.
- I'm excited to say
this, because i haven't
Gotten to say it in a long time.
w*r is not fair.
Nothing will be fair going forward.
That's why we must be ruthless.
- Cruller has a rueful
smile, you see he gets lost
In memory for a second, and goes,
For candia.
- For candia.
- For candia.
I'm wearing your crown now.
For candia.
- It's very big.
It's around your waist.
But it does look cool.
- There is a knock at the door
And one of the tartguards speaks up.
There is a summons!
Wait, we can't license
it, we can't license it,
We can't license it!
Wonderful.
Fair use, there's a law.
Importantly, you see
that the tartguard says,
Your majesty, king amethar
of the house rocks,
First of his name!
There has been word from
the concordant emperor,
The champions of the grand
tournament have been summoned.
Sir theobald gumbar of the
knights of north gumbia,
And the count of freezyburg
as winners of the tournament—
- I won!
- No, this is bad.
- Do you think i get a ribbon?
- Theobald, i just had a
question before we go forward.
- Good call.
- Have you thought about
who you could possibly—
- Yes.
I guess—
- I won't be mad at you if it's me.
- I want to, i guess can we dismiss
The messenger or whatever and
go back to it just being us?
- Yes.
- So i can say this kind of privately.
My king, you would be
my choice for emperor,
But is there anyone
else, do you want me to—
- Is he not already nominated if—
- No, right, but i could just
not nominate anyone, and—
- It is a well-Trodden thing that people
Send champions into the joust
just to stop other people
From nominating themselves.
- Got it, right.
- At this point, as far as i'm concerned,
We cannot trust anybody
who's not from fructera
Or the meat lands, so—
- I don't even think that
we should trust them.
- Those are the only two,
i mean, i would argue
I know exactly how the
meat lands feel about me,
And i know about how people
from fructera feel about me.
Everywhere else is up for grabs.
- Dairy islands, maybe.
- Oh, no, the dairy
islands are, as much as i—
- Is there anything to nominating your—
- Preston.
- King preston.
- Okay.
- Emperor preston, your
highness, remember titles.
- Is there anything to nominating
The person you fought today.
- I considered this.
- Just as a show of—
- Of faith?
- Just to help bolster.
- That's an interesting maneuver.
- He might just, i don't
know if that's a manuever.
If i were to do that, he likely
might choose his daughter.
- I mean, but my question to
that would be, and this is not,
I'm not excited about being emperor,
Is how does the rest of calorum feel about
The possibility of, i
mean, it almost feels
Like we shouldn't put
uvano in that situation,
Because i cannot imagine
the rest of calorum
Would be excited to see it continue,
Fructera's reign continue—
- More dangerous for fructera.
Here is a question, my lord.
What about the queen?
- Hmm.
- I mean, she is good at statecraft
In a way that i will never be.
- Would i know if she
would like that or not?
Like, i mean, i'm her daughter.
- You know your mom.
I mean, your mom is...
You know, it's hard when
you grow up knowing somebody
And she's got so much biography
That you were not present for,
But you know that your mom has always
Been kind of spiteful
to the outside world,
And so much of her focus has
been towards running candia,
Sort of, and you have a
lot of love for your dad,
But amethar is no king, and
caramelinda has basically
Occupied herself with making
candia as good as she can.
If anything, your mom is probably
Weirdly more isolationist than your dad,
Because even though your dad, like,
Was only fighting wars,
he at least saw the world
And made friends from other kingdoms.
Your mom, when she thinks
of the outside world,
Thinks about what it took
from her, and that's about it.
- I've never seen much love in
her for the rest of calorum.
- And i don't suppose
one of the princesses
Would want to be emperor
right now, at 18 years old?
- No.
- As much as i desperately
want to right now,
It's kind of my thing right now,
I think it would be very
ill-Advised to tempt me with that.
- What about my dad?
- No.
- You see calroy's taking
a little sip of cola
And goes.
Your father, who is in, let's be clear,
Open rebellion against the concord,
The only reason he has not been captured
By the imperial army and
ex*cuted is because—
- He's f*ck' badass.
- I know—
- Theobald—
- He's badass.
- I was there.
He's incredible.
- A lot of us would die if we tried to—
- I saw him lift a meat
lander off the ground
With an underswing.
It was incredible, did you see that?
Over the wall.
- Really?
- I think they were dead
before they hit the bottom,
But we can't tell.
- Theobald, why not you?
- Me?
- Yes.
The emperor shouldn't
be the flashiest sword,
It should be the greatest shield.
- Oh.
- Very poetic, but—
- I agree, beautifully put.
Very wrong.
- Theobald i can't even
imagine being royal,
But then he hears that and he's like,
Great tagline for my house.
And i think i take a moment and i go,
Much like the princess ruby,
i've had certain visions
And inklings, and i believe
that whatever i was meant to do,
It was perhaps meant
to help you get there.
I don't think i'm to be emperor.
- What about annabelle?
- We don't know anything about her.
- She seems really cool.
- She's definitely cool.
- I mean, that's like making
the popular kid in school
President of the school.
- Exactly, like it
happens in every school.
- Yeah, do we really need to buff
Her college admission essay any more?
- She's fine.
- I don't think that we should invest
Too deeply in anyone
from the dairy islands
Until we know more.
- Agreed.
- If we can only trust ourselves, then...
- Calroy thinks for a second, and you see
He speaks up and says, these are all
Very interesting options.
I think your point of order
is very well taken, jet,
And i understand that you want
Your mother's well-Being and happiness.
I do think caramelinda is the best suited
For the concordant throne,
but i wouldn't wish
For the rest of her life
to be doing something
She didn't wish, nor for your family
To have to live in comida rather
than where you've grown up.
- Well, we could live
with pops in castle candy.
- Yeah, honestly it'd be nice
to get her out of our hair.
- Right?
- Right.
- I don't like it though.
You see he says, there
is something interesting
That might be worth
playing a more conservative
Approach to this.
Obviously, this is not
who the emperor will be.
This is submitting someone into
the circle of consideration
For the emperor, yes?
This is not you getting to
decide who the next emperor is,
Otherwise the emperor would never choose
To be the winner of a joust.
It is instead you making
a formal recommendation
And adding someone for
legal acceptability,
According to the laws of the concord.
If we wanted to play something very safe,
I'm not saying that we
should count on this,
But if you were to name amethar,
There are certain protections
that that provides
In contingencies of the
law within the concord.
For example, if the
emperor were to declare
That there are no fit successors,
In which case it would move to a vote
That would be administrated
by the pontifex
And the cornucopian council would vote,
Your declaration as
the winner of the joust
Actually does, strangely enough,
Count for a secured vote
on the cornucopian council,
Which in the very unlikely event
That gustavo says no one is fit,
I'm just thinking of
how much of a honeycomb
The concord actually is in terms
Of the nature of the treaty.
So that's a less fun option,
but a perhaps safer one.
- You know how much i
love safety, my lord.
- Theobald, nominate
yourself, you deserve it.
- You'd be good.
- All of a sudden you two
like me, what is going on?
- Yeah, 'cause you're a badass now.
- This is strange.
- It's not strange, you're the one
Who's been hiding your coolness.
- Did the emperor summon liam?
- And theo, they've been summoned.
- I am highly concerned
about liam being summoned.
- Mm-Hmm, yeah, me too.
Can we all go?
- Could i possibly go, well—
- None of you guys have been summoned.
You're welcome to—
- Yeah, we're the royal
family, we'll just go.
- If you all hang out
nearby, i can leave sprinkle
With somebody and freak out, as it were.
- Do i know what time it is?
Like as far as like—
- It has just turned into evening.
- Can we say we took a short
rest in the time that—
- Yes, you've all taken a short rest.
- Great.
- Do i know if...
What time the senator—
- He didn't give you a time specifically.
But he only knows you by your quarters.
He only knows you by the
candian quarters in the pyramid.
- So, shall we all head
in that general direction,
And i will take liam in there,
And if anything happens, i'll make sure—
- Yeah, and as a show of
strength, i will be joining them,
Though i was stabbed earlier.
- Can i cast pass without
a trace on the whole party
Except for us two?
- Oh, yeah.
- Will you, just, before
you do that, i might be,
I told them about the senator, right?
- Okay, no, i don't think you have yet,
So if you want to tell them now
Before these two get summoned.
- So before, when i left
after we arrested alfredi,
Senator ciabatta gave me the
offer of accompanying him
To find out more about what's going on,
And said that i should just bring those
Who can keep a low profile.
And that should happen later
tonight, i'm trying to decide—
- Oh, well then—
- I can certainly keep a low profile.
- Yeah, i'm—
- I suppose i'd like to
ask theobald and amethar,
Where would my talents be best suited,
Defending liam or defending—
- Are they overlapping?
- It's possible that the senator
Could reach out at any moment.
And he seemed to think it
was a time-Sensitive thing.
- I'll stay with the chancellor.
- I believe that it will be easier for me
To stay with the chancellor.
Amethar i think can come
and go with the emperor,
But i think my presence
wouldn't be as welcome.
- All right.
- Cool.
You three go for the emperor,
you three stay with—
- Can you cast pass without trace on us?
- How long does it last?
- Do you wanna leave sprinkle with me?
- I think sprinkle actually
isn't gonna be super helpful,
Because i can't—
- I'm gonna get a plus 10
to dex for stealth checks,
And you can't be tracked
except by magical means,
You don't leave any trace.
- I think you can hit
all three of them, right?
I can even hit us, but we wanna be seen.
So i can hit all three of you guys.
It wouldn't be a bad idea,
if you can also hit us
In case later we get into a situation
Where we need to hide or
something, wouldn't be a bad idea.
- Yeah, can we go in and
out of pass without a trace?
- If you're not trying to
hide, pass without a trace
Doesn't do anything.
- Great, i cast it on all six of us.
And cruller.
- Yeah, cruller, who's
already a light-Footed,
Debonair, roguish type, f*ck' vanishes
In the middle of the room, and he goes,
I will say, how do people
not get behind magic?
Because...
- This is very cool.
- The candia of the future will have
Kindergartens full of it.
- Right.
Kindergartens full of
children that can disappear
Does concern me for,
again, safety reasons.
- Come on, cal, it's def cool.
- All right—
- That's cool.
- I waffle.
Some days i'm on your side, some days
I'm with theo and caramelinda,
i'm a man of many faces,
I have to be able to go
where the wind takes me.
- And that's what i love about you.
- All right.
Cal actually says, should i
remain here in the quarters
Posted up in case anything
happens, or should i—
- That's not a bad idea.
- All right.
- Just in case someone tries to break in.
- I'll hold down the fort
and make sure the tartguard
Don't embarrass our nation.
- Yeah, you need to do that.
- You hear a noise of all of them dancing
On the ramparts in a long line,
Like arms over shoulders, high-Kicking.
- Your king was almost k*lled!
Do a sadder dance!
- "do a sadder dance!"
- You can still dance.
Just pick a sadder one.
- Okay, awesome.
- Oh, i cast it on preston, i cast it
On our animals as well.
- Cool, we follow amethar, liam, and theo.
You guys are escorted
by some of the targuard
And the imperial guard up
to the antechamber again,
Where you see, once again
in resplendent finery,
The lady uvano, who walks
directly up to you, theo,
And says, sir theobald of candia.
I owe you the most sincere
apology i can give.
- There's no apology necessary.
I understand that emotions are high,
And for something so
significant to be decided
In something like a joust is
honestly a bit ridiculous.
But it was an honor to
compete against you.
- She extends a hand to you.
- I kiss her hand.
- She nods and says...
King amethar, you may of
course come inside if you wish,
But i believe, and you see
that there's another person
Posted up here as well,
who's annabelle cheddar.
- Okay.
- Annabelle nods to you and says,
Well, my fellow champions,
how do you find yourselves?
- Oh, she got it!
- She looks over to you and says,
Right, the ceresian fellow
ran out of the ring,
Disqualifying himself.
Actually, everyone in the other ring
Left the ring before the match was called,
So that's immediately
disqualifying, and then—
And then grissini dropped his weapon,
And the french fry did as well, which—
- And his pants, yeah.
- Bonathan
- And then the only other melee combatant
That kept her weapon in her hand
Verbally conceded the match to me.
- A win's a win.
I'm glad i honored my alliance!
- So, right, well, this is
the most humiliating victory
I've ever had.
But you know, the dairy
island don't have much,
So i'll take it.
- It's no small prize.
I'm sure the outcome would've
been the same either way.
- Hey.
You're not there.
- Shut up, this is me,
it's emily saying it.
- So what made you refuse to get married?
- Right, look, we're at court.
- I just thought maybe, what?
- Look—
- Who said—
- Hi, i'm annabelle.
It's a pleasure to meet you.
What's your favorite
color, you daft little—
- Oh, got it, got it, got it, sorry.
- Hey, there's an order
to these kind of like—
- Sincerely, on behalf of all of candia—
- I'm sorry, i thought i was
picking up where we left off.
- Where we left off was you were blasted
Out of your gourd on wine—
- No—
- And i thought you were
about to f*ck the avocado lad.
- I meant the we as in all
of us at the tournament.
- Where we left off at the tournament was
Your cousin getting almost
m*rder*d by an insane—
- Make up for this.
- Yeah, give me disadvantage—
- Oh, already got a two!
- Let's see if it's a one.
- Disadvantage what?
- Disadvantage to charisma.
- My lord.
- Nat 20!
- Doesn't matter.
- Oh!
- A literal zero.
- A literal zero?
A number not even on the die.
She goes like, hey,
look, i'm gonna be clear.
There's something very
deeply wrong with you.
- What?
- I'm not saying anything that
should come as a surprise.
- No.
- She's right.
- Yeah?
- I mean, you have a lot.
- Here's my question.
I'm looking at you and i'm sizing you up.
- Uh-Huh.
- As someone who knows that
they're bad with people.
- Yeah.
- You know that about yourself, right?
- I do.
- And so knowing that about yourself,
What most people would do, say
hey, i'm not that charming,
Is they would tend to pipe down.
You walk into a room and
just led with the loudest
Declaration of someone
else's personal business.
- You know, i just, i got spoiled, okay?
I was left out for a
large part of my life,
I'm really on a hot streak right now.
I've been included in almost everything
That's come up around me.
This has never happened to me before.
So i'm just trying to ride
that wave, okay sister?
- You have to understand, there are a lot
Of turd siblings in his family.
- I understand, look, every
kingdom has their various,
You know, ex-Claves, rebel lords,
Places that haven't paid
their taxes to the concord.
You know, the concord's
only existed for 20 years,
There's not unanimous, you know,
Something like 80 or 90% of
calorum has given over fealty,
But just because you live
outside of the borders
Of what we consider the civilized world,
Just, i don't know, it's
just common courtesy.
- What do you do?
You read a book, you
listen to someone speak
About how to be good with people?
What do you...
- Liam.
- I just, i'm looking for
some practical pointers
Here, okay people?
- Right, in the future, start with,
When you're meeting a person.
- Uh-Huh.
- Pick one detail of
something not on their body
Or how they look on their face,
But of something maybe,
either a piece of clothing
Or something they're
holding, or maybe something
They've worked on, and
just look to give them
One sincere compliment
about something that again
Is not their physical characteristics.
- Okay, i'll try.
I'll try that.
- So you see someone, either
something they've done
Or something they have, and
that's all fair game, all right?
And just give one sincere compliment.
And then, if that worked, you just
Cut it off there and bail.
- Great.
- All right, great.
- Great.
- All right, let's go talk to the emperor.
- Before we do that, is
thad still in the alley?
- Do you wanna go check?
- No.
- Okay.
Word is yeah, he's still in the alley.
He has servants bringing
him food and a chamber pot.
- Oh, no.
- Oh no.
- Chamber pot.
- Flush it away.
- A chamberpot for an
avocado to sh*t in an alley.
- He's gonna have some
good w*r buddies now
That have watched him sh*t in the alley.
You guys walk in and you
are in the bed chamber
Of the concordant emperor, gustavo uvano.
He looks up, he looks like he's been
Propped up on some pillows to be,
He's not as vulnerable as
he was the first night.
He's propped up a little bit and goes,
Ah, hello, my humble subjects.
Captain cheddar, sir theobald,
and count jawbreaker.
- Hello.
I kneel.
I motion for liam to also kneel.
- Oh, right.
I like your infrastructure.
I like the sturdy infrastructure
You built there for your back.
- He looks at you.
Give me a charisma check,
i'll say with advantage.
- Advantage?
- Advantage.
- Hey, that's an 11 with my negative two.
- He goes, ah, would not have suspected
That a young boy with a pig would have
Such an eye for infrastructure.
- I certainly do.
- You see he says, very well.
To those that are assembled here,
First, the thing that does not
require a choice of any sort.
Congratulations to you,
count of freezyburg,
You will have a seat on
the cornucopian council
For the reign of whoever
is selected emperor.
- Cool.
- And captain cheddar,
you have won the melee,
So you may ask for one boon of me.
She looks up and says,
I have two things that i dearly
want, and one is for myself,
And one is for the dairy islands.
I would ask the emperor's
leave to request a favor
From the pontifex that, as a youth,
The young ward stilton curdeau,
Swore some holy vows
As he was a youngest
son to enter the clergy,
And his older brothers died at sea.
I would ask that he be
released from his vows
So that he could wed his sweetheart,
The lady primsy coldbottle,
duchess of lacramore.
The emperor nods and says, a release
Under these circumstances
would be eminently reasonable.
- King amethar, stilton curdeau—
- I have a tummy ache!
- You guys absolutely, if
you do this sh*t in the room,
This is like a quiet, somber—
- Can i message?
- It is very somber, i will require
A deception check if you
try to do a message here.
- Sprinkle can do the help action.
- What are the components for
message again, real quick?
It's verbal, somatic, and material.
Which means that you would
have to move your hands
To be able to do it, which is gonna
Require a deception check.
- I give theobald a knowing nod.
- So i just look at him.
- He turns to you and says,
and the champion of the joust.
He looks over at his daughter and says,
I understand that you
unhorsed my daughter.
I have never seen a skill that my daughter
Could not immediately pick
up and become a master at.
But it would not be fair
for the bulb to give her
Every gift at the peak
of its proficiency, so,
I will not hold it against you
That you have defeated my daughter.
He looks at you and says,
and sir theobald gumbar,
You as the winner of the joust
Have the ability to name someone you wish
For me to consider, be
they high or low-Born.
- Emperor, i don't want to embarrass him,
So i'm gonna be as casual
about this as i can.
I nominate the good king
amethar of house rocks,
First of his name, sovereign ruler
Of candia and the sugar lands,
Duke of cookie shire,
protector of the realm
And defender of the faith,
bannerman of the battle
Of gumdrop pass and
hero of frosting valley,
The unfallen, yet again.
- You f*cking had a scroll!
You see that the emperor
looks at you and says...
A powerful nomination.
I can see that indeed
candia's honor is strong.
I will have to take your nomination
Into very serious consideration.
- Thank you, my lord.
- He looks at you and he says,
champions, you are dismissed.
As you guys get up to leave,
he looks at you, amethar,
And says, amethar, a word?
- Oh, of course.
- You guys step out,
annabelle steps out with you.
Looks at you, sort of
nods knowingly at you
And claps you on the shoulder and says,
Well, the council will
benefit from your wisdom
For many long years to come.
- Thanks.
And thanks for the pointer,
i think it really worked.
- I actually think it kinda did.
- Yeah.
That felt good.
- Yeah.
- Infrastructure, that was pretty good.
- Can i ask you something about primsy?
I didn't know that she had someone
That she was romantically into.
- Aye, she did, aye, that she did.
She's had her sweet heart set
on the young stilton curdeau,
Who has wooed her very
powerfully since she was
I would say quite a younger
maiden than she is now, but...
He had this sort of religious
vow that he had taken,
He was promised to the clergy,
and so he promised purity
And celibacy when he was a very young lad,
And when he became heir,
it became an impediment,
And so they couldn't
declare formal courtship,
They couldn't declare,
primsy couldn't be promised,
And there were other suitors that primsy
Had to turn away because—
- So this is sort of a way for
The bulbian church to get
into politics more directly.
- I don't know if you've noticed,
But they're pretty involved as it stands.
- More so, then.
- Aye, i suppose so.
You could say that.
- And you're close with stilton curdeau?
- Who, myself?
- Yeah.
- No, he's a little ponce.
Don't care for the lad,
but he makes primsy happy.
- Do you care about primsy?
- Give me a charisma
check with disadvantage.
- So bad.
Two?
- She is still for a moment,
steps into your personal space
And says, we're not on a
f*ck' chariot right now.
You're not gonna unhorse me like you did
The lady plumbeline, you understand?
You call my honor into question again,
Or my loyalty to my duchess,
and it won't be words we share,
Sir theobald.
Have i made myself clear?
- Crystal.
- She whips around with her captain's coat
And walks away down the hall.
- So she's in love with primsy.
- We are going to go into
the chambers of the emperor.
You see that lady plumbeline's
sort of sitting looking,
Sort of smiling, not a weak smile,
But sort of like a tired
smile at her father.
You see that gustavo looks
at you and says, amethar.
You know the last thing
i would have wished to do
Would be to make you unhappy.
But i have thought about it a long time,
And i do not think such a
powerful, formal declaration
Of your candidacy can go unrewarded.
- Do not, i swear.
I mean, i guess he just had
that scroll on him at all times?
I mean, it was actually kinda cute.
- Amethar.
It's you.
I am going to name you the emperor.
- God.
I mean, i guess if they
try and k*ll you twice,
And you live both times.
- That's what i'm saying.
Why not have an invincible emperor?
- I mean, i only have
to do it for 20 years?
Or no, this is ending
because you're, you know.
- Oh yes, i'm dying.
- Dying, yeah.
- It could be longer than
20 years, you could do 40.
You still get sick, i guess is the—
- Am i allowed to call it?
Like if i'm like, i don't
know, if i get, i don't know.
- For you, no.
In fact, i'm going to amend the—
- Don't do that!
Don't do that.
- You see he coughs a little bit.
You see he looks at
plumbeline and says,
Go and fetch the papers of records.
I'm going to declare amethar.
She looks and says, father, the pontifex
Is holding onto the papers at the moment.
Should i disturb her?
You see he says yes, he says
go ahead and disturb her.
And he says amethar,
you are the right choice
And you know it.
- Oh, i mean, fine.
Fine, i mean, you're a smart guy.
If you think it's me.
If my wife thinks it's me.
If theobald is gonna write
my big old list of titles,
It's gonna be me.
- So he says, caramelinda asked for this?
I did not know that, we should
have done it much sooner,
I do not like to keep that woman waiting.
- I mean, i'll tell you, i got all excited
About the tournament, i didn't realize
That you were gonna ask me for all this.
I broke a chandelier, she was mad.
- I believe it.
I believe it.
- Hey, do i get to pick my council?
Like the rest of the cornucopian?
- The cornucopian council
is the heads of state.
- Oh.
- And whoever you select, so
you may select who you wish
On the cornucopian council.
- Would plumbelina be open to—
- Plumbeline looks over at
you, and tears up a little bit.
She looks at her father,
and looks at you and says,
I would be more honored than i can say.
- Well, i mean, you gotta be there.
- Gustavo winks at his daughter and says,
Amethar, thank you.
- It would be stupid not to.
- And you take your leave of the emperor.
So, we are going to go back
to the candian quarters
Here at the great food pyramid.
As you guys are preparing,
or waiting to hear something,
You hear a knock at the
door, and the tartguard
Asks for permission to enter.
- Who specifically is in here?
- You hear a voice outside.
Very sorry, sir, this is the
archbishop oliver onionpatch
On behalf of her holiness,
the hierophant rex?
You know, belizabeth
brassica, the pontifex?
- Yes.
Can i make an insight check?
- Sure, go for it.
- Anyone wanna help me?
- Yeah, i give the help action.
- Nice.
- That would be a 25.
- Seems legit.
- Okay.
Yeah, i'm gonna open the door.
- You see a little purple
onion-Headed man comes in,
Vegatanian, says greetings.
Oh, my dear young
princesses, i was horrified
To see what happened to your
father at the tournament match.
- You mean the attempted assassination.
- Yes, of course.
I could refer to nothing else.
- Candia thanks you for your concern.
- He nods and smiles.
He says, your presence
is requested immediately
At the pontifex's
chambers at the cathedral.
- We are happy to escort him.
- Could you give us a moment?
- Absolutely.
- We are happy to take a moment.
- You see that he closes the door.
- Senator ciabatta might
come by while i'm gone.
- You want us to stay here?
- I'm trying to—
- I don't trust you with the pontifex.
- I don't—
- The pontifex seemed pretty
chummy with the lady alfredi.
- She may or may not be
trustworthy, but i feel as though—
- Calroy speaks up and
says, let's be very clear.
If primogen doesn't attend
a summons of the pontifex,
There is no telling what happens.
- I understand, i'm merely wondering
If we should attend him.
- Why don't you go to the
pontifex, and we will go...
- Calroy.
- With grissini.
- That's what i was
thinking, but i was just—
- Or one of us can go with
you, and the other could go—
- Calroy looks and says,
i will be very honest,
I think that the good
chancellor can handle himself.
I'm not concerned about lapin.
It looks very strange for a primogen
To walk with escort in
the streets of comida
To attend a summons by her holiness.
- We live in strange times.
- We do live in strange times,
Let's not make them any stranger.
- All right.
- Okay.
- I feel as though i should go,
But if the senator ciabatta comes by,
I guess it makes the most
sense for you three to go.
- He says well i'm going to stay here,
But yes, that's a wise choice.
- Okay.
- And you've told us
about the note, right?
- Yes, but i don't know that
you can do it without me.
Do you have illusory script?
- I'm a little bit psychic.
- Hmm, yes.
- I don't have illusory.
- Wait, you and any
creatures you designate.
- Oh, great.
- When you cast the spell.
So i feel like i would've—
- Would you have designated them?
- I think i would have, yeah.
- If you want to give me a
flat dc 15 intelligence check
To see if you would have thought
to designate other people
In case something like
this came up, go for it.
- 15.
- Hell yeah, great.
You thought at that time, retcon action,
You were like, in case anything comes up
For the rest of the day, i'll
make it readable by my allies.
Awesome.
You head off with oliver, and
the two princesses remain.
- Do you ever feel like everyone wants us
To take authority someday, but then
They still treat us like such children?
- I think that maybe they're
treating us like such children
'cause we've been acting
like such children.
- I know, but that's why
i've tried to step it up
And act more mature.
I just thought it would
change in like one day.
- We're gone.
- You're gone.
You see calroy looks over and says,
I'm sorry, i couldn't help but overhear.
Oh, you guys were doing twin speak?
- Yeah.
- You see he looks over
at you and says,
I agree, we do treat you like children.
Classic child treating,
to let the two princesses
Go on a covert mission
with the head of state
Of a rival kingdom.
Exactly the lack of responsibility—
- Okay, you're right.
Mainly i was responding, i thought like
I would be a really good escort
And look really buff
alongside the primogen.
- That's the childish response,
'cause you wanted to do it
'cause you wanted to look buff.
- Jesus christ, can i
have a f*ck' day off
From people telling me i'm f*ck' wrong?
- You're cool!
You know i think you're cool.
- I just joust the wall.
- A knock comes on the
door, and a tartguard
Holds a piece of parchment
that says "lapin" on it,
And you see underneath, there
is a small symbol of a bakery,
And underneath the name lapin is a script
That only you two can read
that says "for candia."
- We will come with you.
- Yeah.
- Lovely.
- Who is this person?
- Yeah, i think we should
introduce ourselves.
- It's ciabatta?
- Oh, this is a tartguard.
- It's a targuard, oh.
- And it's just a sign of a bakery,
And you recognize the sign of
the bakery, it's in comida.
- Great, can we put on
our peasant clothes?
- You absolutely can.
- Great.
- Go ahead and give me
some stealth checks.
- Right, and we add plus 10?
- And we add 10, right?
- Plus 10, that's correct.
- 28.
- Oh, sorry, that's a d12.
I got a 39.
I think that passes.
How without trace am i?
- You are extremely without trace.
- 39?
- Yeah, plus 10, i have, oh,
i'm so sorry, it's only 36.
- Oh, good, good good good.
- Now everyone sees you.
- So you guys arrive at the bakery.
Go ahead and give me a perception check,
If you'd be so kind.
- A nat 20.
- Hidden in the shadows
is a ceresian peasant
Who's like by the alley, looks
like a tall loaf of bread
Dressed in peasant's clothes.
With a nat 20, you see underneath
the little peasant's garb,
Tucked into a rope belt,
are two incredibly wrought
Ceresian gladius swords.
- Hail and well met, fellow peasant.
- Ah, of course, hail and
well met, fellow peasants.
- Hmm, yes, just taking
a walk to sh*t outside.
- What?
- What?
- What?
What!
- You see he looks at
you and says, do you—
- I'll be more discrete.
I'll just shut the f*ck up.
- Depending on how well this goes,
Perhaps we can watch each other sh*t.
- The avocado uses a
bed pan, but you're just
Going outside to sh*t?
- You see senator ciabatta
in his peasant's clothes,
Unarmored but with these weapons still.
He goes, follow me, and pulls a hood up
Over his big loaf head and f*ck'
Heads off into the night with you.
You guys get to a palazzo,
a little ceresian palazzo,
Outside of the great pyramid.
It looks like it's abandoned,
there's actually a lock
On this iron gate out front,
this like, fruit iron gate.
And you get to a little
lock there, and you see that
The good senator looks at you and says,
Through or over, ladies' choice.
- I'd say through.
- Yeah, i can pick this lock maybe.
- This is gonna be a
dc 25 sleight of hand.
- 25?
Well, i'm gonna take a little help action
From my beautiful falcon.
- Mm-Hmm.
- And i have plus seven.
Wait, it's sleight of
hand or thieves' tools?
- Oh, thieves' tools.
- Great.
That's actually lower, my
sleight of hand is high,
Can i use sleight of hand?
Yeah, i got, oh, i got a 24.
- Ooh, brutal.
- Over it is.
- Cool.
Go ahead and give me
some acrobatics checks.
- Great.
And i'm gonna take the help action again.
Oh.
- 29.
- I have 17.
- 29, 17, cool.
You see that you guys and the good senator
Make it over the wall and
begin to sneak through
This little courtyard, this little like,
There's some ceresian
trees and stuff in here,
And there's a lot of like mystical,
There's like bulbian
stuff, but it's like weird,
Gnostic, mystical bulbian stuff,
It's like ooh, this is
like weird ceremonial,
The groovy spiritual side
of the bulbian church.
- Hmm.
Okay.
- As you begin to move through here,
You guys get into this chamber,
It looks abandoned, it looks like
The grass has grown up in here,
It looks like it's been
abandoned for some time.
You get into the chamber a little bit.
You walk around a corner.
Out of the shadows, a bread
person, like a loaf person,
Steps out, and ciabatta
drops down, leaps up,
And slits his throat, and
he falls to the ground dead.
Puts it back, shh.
Yeah, this is what i thought.
This is the good primogen's
secret, shall we say domicile?
Or perhaps something more.
And he begins to sneak up the stairs.
- I just wanna like, quicky
grab an id or something
Out of a pocket of that—
- Give me an investigation check.
- 16.
- You look at him, he's not wearing
Either imperial or ceresian colors.
Looks like just a ceresian warrior,
Maybe like a gladiator or a
mercenary, something like that.
- Can i do like a history,
or maybe an arcana check
On this gnostic sh*t?
- Yeah, go for it, give me arcana.
- Great.
15, 16?
- This is bullshit.
You're looking at it, you
know enough about the stuff
To be like, these are like
from different faiths.
Like the bulbian church has been around
In some capacity or other for a long time.
It's been over 1000 years
that some form of this church
Has existed, and a lot
of the relics here are,
You immediately clock as like,
These don't line up into a cogent,
Like, cosmology or theology.
These are just things that look pretty.
- This is all fake.
- I'm not surprised.
- Yeah.
- This guy was probably
a little bit innocent,
But let's just play along.
- Okay.
- Okay.
- You get to the top of the stairs,
And you see ciabatta opens a door,
And you walk inside, and you see
The good senator and
head of state of ceresia
Turns a hooded lantern so that its light,
He puts it on the ground,
turns it so that its light
Is just hitting a back wall,
shining like away from windows,
So it's like no one can
see it from outside.
Just lights the floor up, and you guys see
You are in an alchemical laboratory.
- I knew it.
- Go ahead and give me,
you can give me arcana,
You can give me, investigation and arcana
Is what you guys can give,
or if you want to give me
Another skill check, and give me one too.
- And can i still get
the help action from—
- Yes you can.
- Great.
- Ciabatta's gonna give
you the help action.
- Oh, yay, i get to roll with advantage!
- I got a 19.
- I got nine twice.
- What skill are you using?
- Arcana.
- You look around, you see...
Water, pure water.
And you see, as you go to it,
ciabatta actually reaches out
And like stops your hand as
you're like reaching to touch it
And looks at it.
You see he puts out a finger, touches it,
And his finger swells up and gets soggy,
And he shakes it a little bit, he's like,
Deadly for anybody,
especially for candians.
I would not—
- Can i search around and see if there's
Any other kinda deadly things,
Like mold or fruit flies or anything?
- Give me an investigation.
- 16.
- Yeah, you find mold.
Stoppered up.
sh*t that like, this is like finding
Like weapons-Grade
chemical bio-Agent stuff,
Like mold, rot, weird bad sh*t.
- This is crazy, she just
has this weapons cache?
- What is your take on this, ciabatta?
Is this what you anticipated to find?
- He smiles, looks at you and says,
I do not mean to speak
profanity or blasphemy.
- Oh, it's fine, we're grownups.
- Yeah, i have a lot of banned books.
- Perhaps i shall sound
a little bit un-Pious.
And he takes a small tincture,
unscrews it, and goes,
But in this world, there are no miracles.
Drops them into his eyes,
and his eyes glow white.
He takes it, tosses it over to the side,
It breaks, kinda glows a little bit.
He says, i wonder how
long this will last for,
Maybe an hour, maybe two hours.
Our dear friend the primogen
alfredi is a humbug.
Not a true miracle
worker, i'm so sad to say.
Exactly as i expected.
- What did he just put in his eyes?
- The thing that she puts,
'cause she had those—
- Oh, right, yeah.
- She had like glowing eyes,
and he just put it in his eyes,
And with your other
roll, you recognize it,
It's alchemical, it's a trick,
it's a f*ck' illusion.
- I want to look around for any insignia
Or seals from any dairy islands.
- You look at schematics that she had here
For crafting daggers, and you see there,
Actually, this time i need an
investigation check for it.
He's gonna give you another help action,
I need a dc 15 on this one.
- Yeah, i got it.
- Investigation?
- Yeah.
- I got a 17.
- You got a 17?
- Yeah.
- You pull up documents,
you hold them up to jet,
You're looking at them.
Do either of you speak lacra?
- I do.
It's written in lacra, and it
is instructions for milk silk.
And it's instructions for milk silk,
And you see that it is
written in a dialect of lacra
That's very hard for you to understand.
You speak fructerano as well.
- Yes.
- It's like a weird mix
of fructerano and lacra.
You know that some islands in the far west
Of the dairy islands get closer
to the edges of pulp bay.
- Like the yogurt shoals over here?
- Like yogurt shoals, places like that.
Either of you guys can give
me a history check, dc 15.
- Wow, f*ck.
- Do i get help action from my dude?
- Yes, you do.
- Yeah.
History?
I got a 19.
- 16.
- 16.
You recognize, yeah,
yogurt shoals, their lacra
Has a lot of fructerano in it.
Yogurt shoals is what
this hand is written in
About how you make milk silk,
and it's a direct alchemical
One to one for whatever
this water steel was.
Like the process they use to make this
Is what was used to make
these water daggers, right?
Yogurt shoals, you know,
is the home of house bleu.
House bleu—
- Mon dieu!
- Mon dieu indeed.
House bleu has a very young heir
Who until earlier this
evening could not be wed.
Stilton curdeau is lord bleu.
- Merde.
- She was working with some dairy rebels.
- He nods.
He makes an investigation check.
- I knew she was too, alfredo.
- Mm.
- There you go.
Go ahead, guys, and give
me a perception check,
If you'd be so kind.
- 21.
- You notice ciabatta is letting you,
He'd been helping you where to look,
He finds a shelf of stuff and begins
Rifling through it and pulling stuff
And shoving it into a sack.
- All right.
- He goes over, he find
something a bunch of stuff,
Rolls it up, puts it into the lantern,
Covers it as it burns, it just
burns a bunch of the papers.
- I would like to take
some of this stuff as well
So that we also have proof of this stuff.
I don't trust him to just—
- Yes, i think we need some
proof, but i also think
We should destroy, i don't, ciabatta,
How do we destroy like
this mold and this water?
- I think that that's very
dangerous for us to do.
I think that it's—
- He looks at you and says, there will be
An anonymous informant to
the imperial guard tomorrow.
- Okay.
- Imperial alchemists will come
And safely dispose of
this poison material.
- Okay.
- Alfredi was not a miracle worker,
Nor was she even truly
a primogen, i believe.
She was a very competent liar who knew
How to flatter the right people.
I will say this.
There is something very bad here.
Go ahead, each of you
guys, and give me one last,
What check am i gonna ask for?
You can give me perception
or investigation,
Whichever you prefer.
- Okay, a zero or a one.
18.
- 18?
- I got a 14.
- Cool.
With an 18, you see ciabatta says,
Alfredi was a master at
the ancient ceresian art
Of collecting secrets.
She had a lot of dirt on a lot of people.
- Blackmail.
- That is correct.
This room is full of information
About the crimes people have done.
The ability to destroy careers,
To destroy lines and legacies.
To unmake people.
- I think that we should
collect all that information.
He looks and says, and he gets
sort of somber for a second
And he says, my homeland is full of honest
And decent people.
I know the notion of
ceresians are not popular.
That our peoples were
at w*r for a long time.
In the times in history that ceresia has
Allowed itself to be overcome
by flatterers and liars,
And people who wheel and deal in secrets,
The honesty and decency
of the common ceresian
Has been made a laughing stock.
Ceresians need not a panel
of liars and whisperers.
They need a strong man,
honest and decent man.
- Or woman.
- Or a woman.
Or—
- Or a piece of spaghetti.
- Well, probably that either way, but yes.
But a man, a woman, a person that defies
Conventional categorization,
that's all good.
You see he looks and says—
- Can i do an insight check for sarcasm?
- You see he looks and
says, well it looks like
This fiber at least has
been pulled from the nest,
And he pats the satchel full of documents.
- And all those documents are
all the blackmail and stuff.
- He looks around and says,
No,
It is not all the blackmail.
It is just the blackmail that was
Keeping ceresia from being free.
- All right, i gotta look
around for the candia blackmail.
- Yeah.
- If there is any.
- Absolutely.
- You see that ciabatta
looks at you guys and says,
There is the body outside, and—
- That guy was innocent, right?
- No, he was hired, he was a mercenary.
He was sent here to guard this place.
- An innocent mercenary.
- There is no such thing.
- Okay.
- You see he looks at you guys and says,
You wish to find candian blackmail.
He's gonna give you another help action
As you guys investigate.
Go ahead and give me
an investigation check.
- 20.
- 20?
- Not nat.
- Not nat.
You don't find any candian stuff here.
Doesn't appear to be any
candian blackmail at all.
What you do find is some
notes on belizabeth brassica,
The pontifex.
- Oh.
- I'm gonna pocket those.
- You pocket them really quick.
The two things you do as
you scan those documents
That you see are a mention of two terms
You don't understand, but
they are the profidian heresy
And the ramsian doctrine.
You guys finish up.
You guys give ciabatta a hand,
For like getting the room ready
To conceal your presence here.
You guys get back over the wall.
And he actually needs your help
Sort of like getting rid of the body.
- Ooh, i can't believe
we're hiding our first body.
- It's pretty cool.
- It's pretty cool.
- You see ciabatta gets
the body out to the back,
You see that he looks around,
and he takes a gladius out,
Carves off the guy's face,
chops off his fingers
Like a butcher going to
work, puts the sword back,
And you see that he takes
out the little tinder
And just leaves a little
burn on the side of the bread
And then quickly pats the flame out
As the smoke kind of twirls up.
As it twirls up, you hear the cawing
Of some crows overhead in the night,
As he's just made a little
scent go up into the air.
Should have enough time left in the night
To make short work of our friend.
He gets back over the wall with you guys,
Looks at you and says—
- I guess we have secrets
on each other now, huh?
- He says, you know, weaker things
Have been the basis of
alliances in the past
Than a shared secret.
- All right.
- I don't have any faith
or trust in spirits,
Be they in the ground or in the sky.
But i do have faith in people.
Farewell, princesses.
- Farewell.
- Farewell.
- He's cool.
- He's pretty cool.
- Dude rules.
- Dude rules.
- Ciabatta takes off.
- I will remember you when i'm king.
- Lapin arrives at the
cathedral of saint arugula,
Beautiful green vegetable cathedral.
You walk in, it's nighttime.
You see the pontifex herself.
Yes, you see the pontifex herself.
The pontifex looks at you from
her throne up on the dais,
The cathedral windows are glowing.
You see that there are
priests milling around,
Some knights of the church.
You approach with the
archbishop onionpatch,
She looks at you and says,
primogen cadbury, approach.
- Can i see, just painting a picture,
These windows, can i
see through them or not,
Or like, what do i see in this?
- Stained glass, it's nighttime now,
So all the white is like torchlight
Of little sort of green
vegetable oil candles burning.
- Primogen lapin approaches.
Bows deeply.
- Primogen cadbury.
From where does the strength
of this church come?
- I would say that the
strength of the church
Comes from the bulb and the
very people that it shines on.
- You are correct, primogen.
The bulb and the people that it shines on.
- Can i make an insight check?
- Yeah.
- Oh f*ck.
19.
Just take stock of the whole situation.
- She is livid.
- Hmm.
- She stands up on the
throne and begins to walk
Slowly down the steps towards you.
The belief of the people.
People's faith in us is
as ineffable and ephemeral
As the acts of the bulb itself.
Its presence is not seen on this world.
It shines from above, and
though its light is everywhere,
It cannot be touched or felt.
Such is the power of this church, lapin.
And if the people see our primogen
Marched through the street
in manacles by common guard,
Do you think their belief will stand?
Smack across the face.
You call for this matter to be settled
By the base low-Born secular
guard of this concord,
In this licentious capital,
where money and favors
Are traded to and fro, this impious place.
They watched one of
ours brought low by you.
- I apologize for
Making this situation,
For doing something that
makes your life harder,
Makes the church's life harder,
But i was given very little choice.
- Will you come to me, lapin?
Will you come to me, the church's law
Would have seen alfredi hanged.
Our paladins, our priests, our courts,
Our tribunals of monks and priests,
This could have been
handled inside the church.
- You know what happened
inside the church?
Two of your very own people tried to k*ll
The king of candia.
And please forgive me for saying this,
But i did not trust the inside
of the church at this moment.
- Lapin, you need to think very carefully
About what it is that
you're saying right now.
Are you a candian, or a priest
of the bulbian church first?
It can't be both.
Do you swear your fealty to a mortal king,
Or to the eternal bulb
above that judges us all?
- I of course swear to the bulb.
- This mistake may still
yet be ameliorated.
Your befuddled and foolish
action may yet be smoothed over.
The church's justice will be administered,
The primogen and sir
deeproot have already been
Remanded to our custody, they
will be dealt with internally.
Their punishment will be public,
But the sentence will be
private, as it should have been.
- Sentences, just, when
you said the sentence,
It means like—
- She just means the trial will be secret
But they'll be hanged in public.
You see that she says our
clergy walks this land
Without weapons.
We walk and are welcomed everywhere,
And that is because we
maintain our station above all,
Present a united and holy front.
Matters like this threaten the
very sanctity of the church.
I'll explain this, lapin.
Candia right now is not in good standing,
And as primogen this should concern you
And concern you deeply.
We have reason to believe
that one of your envoy
Has engaged in witchcraft.
There was an incident on
the road here to comida.
An issuing of a piece of witchcraft.
Ceresian soldiers spoke, believing
The princess ruby to
have engaged in sorcery.
- So you're just trusting the
word of a ceresian soldier
Over a primogen of the church.
- Of course not.
I would never let a
low-Born soldier tell us
That a royal princess committed this act.
However, when i witnessed with my own eyes
The son of the rebel
traitor joren jawbreaker
Engage in magic during
the grand tournament,
I put two and two together and realized
That he was also responsible
for the spell cast on the road.
He will be tried for witchcraft.
- Do i know what the
punishment for that would be?
- Death.
- Hmm.
- When will this happen?
- Right now.
You hear the clanking of armor.
Primogen, as your pontifex,
i ask that you escort
These knights of the
church to affect the arrest
Of liam wilhelmina of
the house of jawbreaker.
The souls of your very princesses
Depend on his malevolent influence
And his worship of the hungry
one being stopped at once.
- As you see fit.
- His trial will be held tomorrow.
See to it.
And you and these knights
walk out of the cathedral.
You guys head out.
The five of you guys
get back to the quarters
With cruller first.
What do you guys do as you guys return?
- We explain all the stuff that we can.
- Yeah, i would like to show them
The letter about belizabeth brassica,
And say, theobald, what
is the prophidian heresy
And the ramsian doctrine?
- Would i know these?
- These are obscure
pieces of religious lore.
Anyone here can give me,
i'm gonna call it a dc 20
Religion check to know one or the other.
- Can we look in jet's banned books?
- Oh yeah, can i search
through my banned books?
- I'll let that, and familiars
Can't give advantage on this one.
You can roll with advantage
'cause of your banned books.
- Okay.
Come on.
- Religion?
Oh, i got a 19.
- Only a nine.
- 10.
- All right.
You guys arrive back at your quarters.
But you know you're in
comida, there's like,
In the cathedral they would
have records of it somewhere,
You could find it somewhere.
- Okay.
- You guys get back to your quarters,
I assume you guys tell—
- Yeah, we also tell you guys about
That annabelle asked that
stilton curdeau be...
- Stilton curdeau, who's the—
- The heir of house bleu.
- The heir of house bleu?
- Stilton curdeau is behind
the assassination attempt.
- Yes, he was conspiring with alfredo.
- Yes, well captain annabelle
just made it possible
For him to become royalty.
- No!
- What did we think the
grain's big secret was?
What was ceresia's big secret?
- Based on, i mean,
from what you're saying,
You know, i know the history
of like pangranos already,
Based on what i know about pangranos
And the way things go there,
they are constantly oscillating
Between ineffective
democracy and a destructive
Imperatorship.
Everything you're saying sounds like
He's gonna use those secrets to instate
Another imperatorship.
You didn't do anything wrong,
that's ceresia's business.
But that's what i think his goals are.
- Well, if he's gonna do
that, at least he seems like—
- He also k*lled an innocent person.
- I don't think he was innocent.
- I've k*lled a lot of innocent people.
- Me too, i guess, yeah.
- Well, no, you haven't
k*lled anybody innocent yet.
- Thanks.
- But i mean, it sounds like—
- We're all innocent in
the eyes of the bulb.
- Okay.
Okay, that's all right.
But i mean, it sounds like also lord bleu,
I mean, you're saying he
has ties to the church.
Do you think that in some way,
maybe they expect him to be,
They'll lift him, i mean, nobody's gonna—
- The church is probably going to
Nominate him to be the emperor.
- Based on all of the
context we have right now,
My guess would be that
they've taken someone
Who's ingrained in the church,
And now they're going to be able to,
In some official capacity, be able to
Bring religion even more
into the government.
- They're going to turn
him into the emperor.
- I mean—
- There was mention that
the pontifex has the papers.
- I mean, yes, that's right.
- But king amethar, your
father is supposed to be—
- Supposed to be emperor.
- What, pops?
No way.
- Everything should—
- Is this true?
Congrats, amethar!
- I mean—
- A handshake deal at the moment.
- A handshake, we're still—
- We're still waiting on the paperwork.
- I wasn't 100%, i mean, i literally was,
Every time people say it,
i freak out, so i don't—
- Theo knocks on wood.
- I'll start looking into
four-Bedrooms in comida.
- You guys hear a knock
at the door.
- Ah.
- I'll answer it.
- The door opens, the tartguard
Have all stepped to the
side, there are truly
Enormous amount of knights out there,
And you see at the front of them is lapin.
You see that the lead knight
looks over at you, lapin,
And says, my lord primogen, do you wish
To announce sentence, or do
you wish to announce arrest,
Or shall i?
- I can do it.
Liam wilhelmina, you are
sentenced by the church—
- What the f*ck?
- On the trial of witchcraft.
- The f*ck?
I step forward in front of him.
- Yeah, i step forward as well.
- I apologize, lapin.
Knights.
I'm going to—
- All the knights kneel and bow to you.
The knight on the ground
looks at you and says,
Your majesty king amethar,
we believe the very souls
Of your daughters are in jeopardy.
We have reason to believe, due to reports
Given to the pontifex herself,
That liam wilhelmina has
engaged in witchcraft.
- Liam is merely very good at alchemy.
- Yeah.
- Can i send a message to lapin?
I'm gonna cast message, and i'm gonna say,
Is this something that,
is this what you want?
- You can give me an insight
and a religion check right now.
- Okay.
Insight check.
- Mm-Hmm.
- 'cause i feel like
theo right now is torn,
Because a few days ago,
he would've been like,
You rabbit b*stard, but now he's like—
- Insight is 20.
You know that these knights
are not here to m*rder liam.
These knights, you're just
reading their body language,
They look like they're here
to escort him to a jail cell
In the cathedral and guard him.
Go ahead and roll religion.
- 13.
- Cool.
You think that there's
a very high likelihood
That if you announce the arrest,
And announce the trial as being public,
Because you're the arresting primogen,
You can actually ensure that liam
Is not like secreted away somewhere.
But you can make it a like public trial,
That it would have like, the
emperor and other people at it.
- Yes, liam has been, you're messaging me?
- Yeah, you can respond to me.
- It's not a very good situation,
But i think if he comes with
us, that will be the best,
Outside of openly fighting these soldiers
And going to w*r with
the church right now,
I think this will give us the best shot.
- I volunteer myself for jury duty.
- Yes, i would also like to do jury duty.
We're both 18.
- You see that the knight
looks at you and says,
Your services will be
required also as witnesses,
Your majesties.
No members of the church were present
For the incident on the sucrosi road.
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Fantastic.
- Great.
- I have very keen eyes.
- Yes, me too.
- This is probably not a time for me
To have a veil of shadows
and silence radiate from me,
Masking me and my companions
from detection, right?
- Okay, great, i just
stand there very well seen.
- How many?
- There's about 30 of them.
- My hand is on my
hilt, looking at my dad.
- I look at lapin, i
say, he won't be harmed.
- What?
- He will be judged as the
bulbian church sees fit,
In a public trial where all can see
The justice of the church.
- Don't worry, liam,
We're gonna be your witnesses.
- What?
No!
- What do i know about the history
Of the court in the empire?
- Yeah, do we have any context of like,
Do we know if liam is
totally f*cked if we—
- I need to know—
- Go ahead and give me a
religion or a history check.
- No.
There's no point in my even saying.
- God dammit, 14.
- I got a 15.
- I'd like to ask just
a question about like,
Could i defend him in public?
- That's really what it comes down to,
Is liam would be f*cked
if he was a commoner.
Having a primogen speak on his behalf
Means it will be a real trial.
There will have to be evidence,
People will have to
actually prove something.
- Mm-Hmm.
- Great.
- I look at theobald.
- My hand is on my hilt.
- I have to go to, where would i be going?
- You would have to go
to a jail cell, i think.
- If liam spends the
night in jail, so do i.
- And my bow.
- What if i were to relinquish my weapon
And just be able to come along.
You could put me in a jail cell nearby.
As ward of candia, i think
our king would see this
As a slap in the face to not
have a representative there.
- The knight looks at you and says,
If the good sir theobald
wishes to give watch
Over the count, then yes,
that is completely acceptable.
- Sweet, i slip sprinkle to jet.
- Can i bring my pig to jail?
- You see the knight
looks at you and says,
You are suspected of witchcraft.
But yeah, sure, the pig's good.
- Okay, come on.
- I put my hand on the back of liam's neck
And i pull his face close to mine.
You will not—
- Don't let them k*ll me.
- I will die before they k*ll you.
- Okay, thank you.
- Yeah, you're welcome.
- I'm holding the pig like this.
- Liam.
- Looks like a child with—
- You spend the night in a cold jail cell
With sir theobald watching over you.
- Oh, thank you.
- Food is brought by priests.
- Is it any good?
- It's not bad, it's very humble.
It's very very humble.
- It's fine.
- It's fine.
Early in the morning, you wake up,
Probably not gonna be
able to sleep very well,
Sir theobald, you're there as well.
Did you sleep during the night or no?
- I probably tried to sleep for a bit.
- You and preston could like—
- Yeah, i think i want to,
yeah, i think we're looking out,
And i wanna talk to liam a little bit
And just say, just to be clear,
What the king told you is true,
We're not gonna let
anything happen to you,
We're saving violence as the last resort,
But if it comes to that.
- You two hear mournful bells ring out
From not only this cathedral
overhead, deafening you,
But every church in the
city, and as the rest
Of the royal court of candia awaken,
The mourners pronounce the
death of the concordant emperor,
Gustavo uvano, who died in
his sleep during the night.
- Paperwork was not
finalized, that's not good.
- Oh.
His daughter.
- Is not his heir.
- Well, she was in the room,
so would she be able to—
- Maybe.
- Perhaps.
We can only hope.
- Candians.
As you awaken, amethar, first,
you hear the news as you awaken
That your old friend gustavo has passed.
- Can i go to the pyramid?
- Yeah, absolutely.
- Yeah, i run there.
- We'll go with him.
- Yeah.
- You run to the pyramid,
you are escorted up,
You see he's been brought out,
You see he's still in his bed,
He's in a larger chamber
now, candles are lit.
Plumbeline is at the
foot of the bed weeping.
Yeah, just like hysterically weeping.
And you see his tired
face, he looks at peace.
He died with the last piece of knowledge
That his empire that he
spent his life building
Is in good hands.
- I step forward and put my
hand on plumbelina's shoulder,
But don't speak.
- A hand reaches up and touches your hand,
And she looks up and says,
I will miss him so very much.
Your majesty, you will not have to worry.
If your offer is true
and i am on your council,
Then i will do my best
to be a better shield
Than i was on the joust and protect you
From bureaucracy and the day to days
Of dealing with this empire as i can.
- Hey.
I believe in you, as he believed in you.
- Can i do an insight check on her?
- Yeah, go for it.
- Great.
Bah.
Seven.
- Seven, she's covered in tears,
Her face is like, she
just smiles up at amethar,
And i mean, it's every f*ck' thing.
She's like, got knocked off
a f*ck' horse yesterday.
- Right, her dad just died.
- Her dad just f*ck' died,
there's a lot going on.
- If i had just a short rest,
could i have spent all night
Looking for the prophidian
heresy and the ramsian doctrine?
- Yeah, if you just did a
short rest, yeah, absolutely.
Go ahead and give me a religion check,
And you once again have advantage
Because you have those banned books.
- 12.
- You know what?
You find a massive tome
that has that stuff in it.
But you would have to not be a witness
At liam's trial to read it.
So it's like time is up
and you have to kind of go,
But you have a book with the stuff in it,
You just don't have time to read it.
- Okay.
- Cool?
- Yeah, and i think we head out from there
And go straight to be literally
The first people to wherever.
- Cool.
Plumbeline walks at your side
and has her hand on your arm.
- You don't have to go, if you—
- She looks and says, i will
remain at my father's side.
And you see that she actually
looks and sees her father
And says, i have no more tears to shed.
I don't want to wrinkle.
You see she walks with
you guys to the church,
You guys get to the cathedral.
Liam is not in manacles or anything,
This is like all nobility,
no one's being like,
Manhandled or marched around
or anything like that.
But theo and liam come
in and join you guys.
You guys are seated at the front,
Plumbeline is there, a
bunch of other people there,
Commander grissini's there.
The pontifex stands up and speaks.
You see that she says,
the matter of the trial
Of liam wilhelmina of house jawbreaker
Was scheduled for this
morning, however in the night,
The concordant emperor gustavo uvano
Passed away in his sleep.
May he follow the light
of the bulb to paradise
And dwell in glory forever.
Amen.
- Amen.
- The church echoes this sentiment.
- Amen.
- She looks out and says,
As pontifex, the emperor passed away
Prior to the completion of the documents
Following the grand tournament,
However, it is my
understanding that his wishes
As to who should be named
successor were made known.
If there are any here now
who may speak as to the truth
Of these claims, let them speak now.
- I stand up.
- I stand up.
- Cool.
Theo stands up, liam stands up,
Everyone kinda c*ck an eye at liam.
- Should i have not stood up?
- He was there.
He's not lying.
- Pay a compliment.
- You shine.
Almost blinding.
- Give me a charisma check with advantage.
- With advantage.
- Annabelle's advice was good.
- All right.
- Hey!
16.
- The pontifex looks at
you and goes, thank you.
You see she looks and says, sir theobald,
You were present and
heard the emperor's words.
- I recommended the good king myself.
- I ask now if anyone,
not your recommendation,
Sir theobald, if there are
any here who saw the emperor—
- I c*ck my head to plumbelina.
- She looks at you.
- I knew she would f*ck' turn.
- You see that she turns and looks up
At the pontifex, and says,
Your holiness, my father,
the emperor gustavo uvano,
Named senator ciabatta of
ceresia as concordant emperor.
- Liar!
- Gasps, gasps, gasps, gasps, gasps.
- Is there a way for
me to put preston down
And have him run to the emperor's body
And see if he was poisoned or anything—
- It's like a mile away.
A different part of the city.
- Preston can fly, but he
would take some falling damage.
- I stand.
I do not like that i have
to do this, but i will.
The emperor uvano was my friend and ally,
And i will not have his
final words be misconstrued.
I was named, he asked of
me to lead the concord.
- A even greater gasp goes up—
- Can i sneak to wherever the
emperor ciabatta is staying?
- To ciabatta?
Ciabatta's not here right now.
You see that the pontifex looks up,
Anyone can roll an insight check
On the pontifex, if you'd like.
- Yeah.
- Can i do it?
- 18.
- 10.
- 18, oh, sorry, insight 19.
- Yes, you're here.
- 19.
- Yeah, 18.
- Oh, with help?
- No, not with help.
Cool, you see the pontifex
looks confused and startled.
She regards amethar, regards plumbeline.
She doesn't look too fondly
at plumbeline, i'll be honest.
She looks and says, we
have two competing claims
As to the truth of the matter.
It is possible that in his addled state,
The emperor gustavo may have accidentally
Or through sickness named
two successors in confusion.
We have means of determining
the truth of these statements.
We actually were already
prepared for a trial.
Would the lady plumbeline consent
To swearing upon the holy book of leaves
Relic of saint satrina of candia?
And you see that one of
the relics on the table
Is this glowing book.
Your sister's book.
Swearing on it, it's like a magical item,
It will like compel truth.
Plumbeline's eyes go wide.
She says, i submit to swearing
Upon the relic of saint satrina.
She looks over at you, amethar,
and says, your majesty?
- It will be my honor.
- They present the relic.
- Can i do a check to see
if that is indeed the true,
Like i'll go up and kind of join the king
As i go up and investigate it.
- While this is happening,
do i have any idea
Where ciabatta's staying?
- You can't walk past
the first row of pews.
- Got it, okay, so i'll just peek it.
f*ck me.
11 arcana.
- 11 arcana—
- Or 14 history.
- 14 history?
You've seen satrina's book
before, that's satrina's book.
It's the real relic,
it's no double-Whammy,
It's no f*ck' thing.
- Just tell the truth.
- Could i make a check on that book,
Just to see if i can tell
what the magic is coming from?
- Yeah, give me an arcana check.
- Nat 20.
- No way.
- Man.
- You m*therf*cker.
The magic of that book is
coming directly from the bulb
I will give you more information
As you continue to look at it.
But the magic of that
book's coming from the bulb.
It is satrina's actual book,
it is not a crazy portkey,
It is not a thing that's
gonna zap amethar to death
The second he touches it.
It is exactly what it looks like,
And the magic is coming from the bulb.
But you see a potential
for you to look deeper
Into the nature of the
bulb itself on a nat 20.
- Okay, i continue to look at it.
- Cool.
We're gonna do the other political stuff
That's happening right now,
as you look on that nat 20.
You see—
- I'm gonna use this time to
feverishly try to read my book.
- Cool.
Yeah, you're feverishly reading your book.
The prophidian heresy is
a belief within the church
That was popular for a
time that the hungry one
Was as powerful as the bulb
Eventually it was ruled not
part of church doctrine,
But it was a theodicy.
It was a way of explaining
why evil existed in the world,
And there were some bulbian priests
That believed that the hungry one
Was as powerful as the bulb.
That's the prophidian heresy.
You see the pontifex regards plumbeline.
She says lady plumbeline of house uvano,
Did your father name senator ciabatta
Successor to his throne?
Her hand glows with golden
light, she winces a little bit,
And then says, no, he did not.
Pontifex turns to you.
Everyone make a perception check.
- 15?
- 20, not nat.
- I'm back to my old rolls.
- Also 20, not nat.
- Amethar, you look over in a corner.
The door is open to the
Jail cell that liam walked out of,
Because it's been open because liam
And theo walked out of it.
You glance down there.
Hanging from a wall, like in shackles,
Unconscious and tortured-Looking,
You just catch a glimpse
through this like slit,
On a 20 dc, is manta ray jack.
- What the f*ck?
- The pontifex looks at you and says,
King amethar of the house of rocks.
Who is your lawful wedded wife?
King amathar of the house of rocks,
I put the question to you with your hand
On the holy book of
leaves, your sister's book.
Who is your lawful wedded wife?
- Though i am currently married
to the queen caramelinda
Of candia, i was previously married
To a woman of the dairy islands.
- This marriage, it was performed
By father belford buttercream
of the bulbian church,
Is this correct?
- How do you know that?
Yes.
- And this marriage, it was
never annulled, this is correct?
- The w*r was a confusing time,
And though the annullment
Was never official, i believed...
- I can imagine marrying
a common milkmaid,
The w*r, she moves, cannot be
found to annul the marriage.
Rare that a prince marries a commoner.
Still, there is no queen
caramelinda of house rocks.
You became an oathbreaker the moment
That you agreed to marry her.
There has never been a
marriage between caramelinda
And house rocks because you could not
Enter into that promise in good faith.
So indeed there is only
caramelinda of house meringue,
And her two b*stard daughters.
- Call me that again.
- I pronounce you false, an adulterer,
And from this moment forward,
you are excommunicated
From the bulbian church.
As such, you may hold
neither land nor title.
Archbishop, seeing that the king of candia
Is no longer king, to who does
the crown of candia belong?
The archbishop pipes up and says,
Your holiness, the
crown, in this instance,
Given that the daughters are b*stards
And caramelinda of house
merengue is no longer a member
Of the royal family, passes
to duke joren jawbreaker,
Who is in open rebellion.
The pontifex says, then candia
has seceded from the concord.
Its alliance is broken, it
is at w*r with the concord.
Guards, seize them!
- No!
- Roll initiative.
- Ah!
- f*ck.
- Okay.
- You son of a b*tch.
- What just happened.
- That's all for this
week on a crown of candy.
Tune in next week.
- I am just going to charge the pontifex.
- I knew it!
- It's a f*cking w*r you want,
it's a f*cking w*r you got.
- You stab this poison dagger.
Ha!
Several priests who turn and smile at you.
Falls as pylons start
to move through them.
- Take your sister and go.
- You know i'm just
gonna come running back.
- Come on.
- f*ck!
- We're absolutely f*cked.
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05x05 - Lapin's Big Day
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.