Anthony Jeselnik: Bones and All (2024)

[bunniefuu]

[crowd cheering]

Thank you all for coming

to the show tonight. I do appreciate it.

In case you guys don't know

why I'm on tour right now,

as of a couple of months ago,

I've been doing stand-up comedy

for 20 years.

- [audience cheers]

- Yeah. Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

My agent said to me, "Anthony, 20 years is

a major accomplishment for any comedian."

"You gotta celebrate."

"Pick some of your favorite cities,

go perform for them."

And I said, "No, thank you."

[audience chuckles]

- "I'd rather go to Milwaukee."

- [audience laughs and applauds]

But look...

[audience chuckles]

...I am excited to be here tonight.

I've got great news.

After 20 years of stand-up comedy,

just last weekend,

I finally perfected my act.

[audience chuckles]

Don't get me wrong.

I thought it was perfect before.

[audience chuckles]

Ran into an audience member

after my show last Saturday

who told me different.

[audience chuckles]

Last Saturday night,

I'm doing a show in New York.

After my set,

I'm trying to get out to the car.

A woman from the audience chases me down,

practically tackles me.

She says, "Anthony, that last joke

you told tonight, your closer."

"I've gotta tell you,

that joke is problematic."

"You need to think about it,

and you need to change it."

So I changed it.

And now it's my opener.

[audience laughs]

[cheering and applauding]

So, what I'm gonna do

is I'm gonna tell you that joke.

Explain what happened with that woman.

And then nail home

the point that I'm the best.

[audience cheers and applauds]

Now, as a comedian,

I've got a responsibility.

A responsibility

that I take very seriously.

The responsibility to get up

in front of a group of strangers

and give you my opinion

on the trans community.

- [audience chuckles]

- Yeah. That's right.

[scattered cheering and applause]

Look, guys. You've got to do it now.

It's in the handbook.

Now, I feel...

I feel like the trans community

are the new pregnant women.

[audience chuckles]

Just in that... [clicks tongue]

...it is never polite to guess.

[audience laughs]

Guys, you've got to trust me on this.

You never... you never want

to be like, "Hey."

"How far along are you?"

[audience laughs]

"Are you going to keep it or...?"

- No.

- [audience laughs]

No, don't do that.

Even if you're right, it's rude.

[audience chuckles]

Do what I do.

I'm smooth with it.

I don't ask the question.

If I want to find something out,

I just offer you a drink.

"Here, have this glass of bourbon."

And if they say, "Actually,

Anthony, I'm seven months pregnant,"

then I get to be like,

"Oh my God, you look amazing."

[audience laughs]

But if they take the drink, they're trans.

[audience laughs]

[scattered cheers]

Now, obviously...

obviously,

that's a closer.

[audience chuckles]

I could leave right now. It'd be fine.

[audience chuckles]

But this woman grabs me.

Starts arguing with me.

She says, "Anthony, I've gotta ask you,

what is your intention

with that trans joke?"

I said, "Well, my intention

is to make trans people laugh."

I mean, could you imagine?

That would be historic.

[audience laughs]

And she says, "Well, Anthony..."

"Anthony, you're probably

not even aware of this,

but the problem with your joke

is some trans people are insecure

about the fact

that they can't have kids of their own."

"And your joke

makes it sound like you're saying

the opposite of a pregnant woman

is a trans woman,

and that could be hurtful."

And I agree.

[audience chuckles]

That could be hurtful.

But not coming from me.

[clicks tongue] You see,

I love trans people.

I empathize with the trans community.

I'm not trans myself.

But I, too, am always getting yelled at

for walking into the wrong bathroom.

[audience laughs]

I love trans people. You know what I hate?

Pregnant women.

[audience laughs and applauds]

I mean, f*ck those chubby b*tches,

am I right?

They shouldn't be allowed to play sports.

[audience laughs]

Now, look.

Look, I will admit...

I will admit

that was a learning moment for me.

Before that woman grabbed me,

I didn't know that trans people

hated pregnant women as much as I do.

[audience laughs]

Makes me respect them all the more.

So, just in case

anyone here tonight is trans

and you were offended by my first joke,

here's a joke

I tailor wrote just for you to enjoy.

Last week I saw

a pregnant woman get hit by a bus.

[audience chuckles]

Or as I like to call it,

a gender reveal party.

[audience groans and laughs]

[cheering and applause]

What are you guys laughin' at?

That's not for you.

That's just for my trans friends.

Don't like pregnant women.

Don't like kids.

One of my friends just asked me

if I would be the sperm donor

for her baby.

I said, "I don't know.

That's a pretty big decision."

"How old is your baby?"

[audience laughs]

[cheers and applause]

If you're walkin' in late, I hate kids.

[audience chuckles]

I hate them so much. It's my whole thing.

And what surprises me

is now that I'm getting older,

I've got friends,

family members having kids of their own.

And I don't judge.

Throw your life away.

[audience chuckles]

What surprises me is these people

will text me pictures of their kids.

"Anthony will want to see this. Send."

I never want to see that.

[audience chuckles]

The only time a kid shows up on my phone

and I'm happy about it,

Amber alert.

- Otherwise...

- [audience laughs]

Otherwise, do not get my hopes up.

[audience chuckles]

I used to ignore

those texts from my friends.

Pretend I didn't see 'em. Never respond.

Then my sister had a kid.

Started getting mad at me.

She'd be like,

"Really, Anthony? No response?"

"You got nothing to say about this picture

of your beautiful niece

f*cking up finger painting?"

[audience chuckles]

So I came up with a plan.

Now, anytime,

anytime anyone texts me

a picture of their kids,

I write back the exact same response.

"Thanks."

[audience chuckles]

"Gonna save this one for later."

- [audience groans and laughs]

- Yup.

No, that works.

You guys can use that. It works.

I haven't heard from my sister in a year.

It's the best.

Mm-hmm.

Like a lot of people,

I spent most of the pandemic stuck inside,

starin' at the walls, goin' crazy.

I started buyin' weird sh*t online.

Decided I was gonna redecorate my place.

I don't know anything

about interior design.

But I know what I like.

So I went on eBay, and I paid $500

for a child's coffin.

[audience chuckles]

I thought, "This'll be great.

It's vintage."

[audience chuckles]

You put that in your living room,

it's a conversation starter.

- You know?

- [audience laughs]

But like so many of the things

we bought online during the pandemic,

I regret it now.

Thing finally showed up in the mail.

Empty.

- [audience chuckles]

- I know.

I know.

Look. Guys, guys, guys.

I hate kids so g*dd*mn much.

[audience chuckles]

I can't talk to kids these days.

The other day,

my little nephew came up to me.

He said, "Uncle Anthony,

I've been getting bullied

by another kid in school."

I said, "Don't put up with that."

"Break his nose."

"He'll leave you alone."

He said, "Uncle Anthony,

that's toxic masculinity."

[audience chuckles]

Well, I wasn't gonna put up with that.

[audience laughs]

Listen, you guys came out here

to have a good time on a Saturday night.

I know what you want.

You want to talk politics. Let's go.

[audience chuckles]

Let me tell you

what's wrong with this country.

Let me tell you what the problem is

with the United States of America.

In this country,

you've gotta be 16 years old

to drive a car, right?

That makes sense.

But you've gotta be 18 years old

to be considered an adult. To vote.

I think that's f*cked up.

I think if you're old enough

and mature enough

to safely drive a car on the street,

then I should be allowed

to have sex with you.

Right?

[audience groans and laughs]

Anyway...

[audience chuckles]

That's the only problem with this country.

[audience cheers]

Now, as of this weekend, I've been on tour

with this material for 18 months.

And my favorite thing

about touring around the country

with these jokes the past 18 months

has been telling

that last joke in the South.

[audience laughs]

Guys, I have learned so much

about this great country of ours.

Right at the beginning of this tour,

18 months ago,

I was doing a show in Alabama.

Told them that joke.

Guy in the audience stands up and says,

"Anthony, I hate to break it to you,

but the age of consent in Alabama is 16,

so you gotta change that."

[audience chuckles]

I said, "Oh, yeah?"

You got to change that.

And then a couple of weeks later,

I did a show in Mississippi.

Told them that joke

then told them about Alabama.

[audience chuckles]

Guy in the audience stands up and says,

"In Mississippi,

the age of consent is 14."

And I said, "h*-ly sh*t."

[audience laughs]

That's perfect.

- [audience laughs]

- I mean...

That is what the Founding Fathers

were all about.

You know?

I have a friend who works for the FBI.

He pretends to be a 12-year-old girl.

Goes on the Internet

and chats with child molesters all day.

I don't know what he does for the FBI,

but it's gotta be...

[audience laughs and applauds]

I feel like the big new thing

I keep hearing more and more about

these days is porn addiction.

I feel like every time I turn around,

someone is complaining

about their porn addiction.

Not me.

[audience chuckles]

I can handle my sh*t.

[audience laughs]

But a couple of months ago,

I'm at a family reunion.

Big Jeselnik family reunion.

Everyone is there.

And the very first night,

we're all in this giant ballroom,

eating dinner together as a family

when my cousin stands up.

He's 15 years old.

He says, "I have an announcement to make."

"I just want to tell you all

that I've been suffering

from a porn addiction."

"And it's terrible."

"But I'm doing my best to get over it."

No one in my family knows what to say.

Generations of Jeselniks

are just staring straight ahead.

Trying to eat their dinner.

So I stood up.

[audience chuckles]

I said, "Hey, man."

"We can watch something else."

[audience laughs]

"Look, I can put the game on if you want."

But when's the next time

we're all gonna be together, you know?

[clicks tongue] I don't have

a porn addiction.

I watch a healthy amount of porn.

[audience chuckles]

I've got my favorites.

Hell, I was in a bar the other night,

saw my favorite porn star of all time

sitting at the end of the bar by herself.

I couldn't believe it.

I called the bartender over,

"Man, I'll have another beer."

"And see that girl down there?"

"She shouldn't be here. She's 13."

[audience groans and laughs]

Now, this is where audiences

traditionally start to complain.

[audience chuckles]

They'll say, "Anthony, why do you have

so many jokes about abusing children?"

"And why do you do them all

in the beginning?"

And this is where I kind of have

to stop the show for a minute.

And I explain to the audience

the concept of gallows humor.

Gallows humor is what I'm all about.

Gallows humor

is when you see something in the world

that is so horrible

that you have to laugh at it.

Otherwise, it would destroy you.

A couple of months ago,

I'm reading the newspaper,

and I come across an article

about a priest in my hometown

who just got arrested

for molesting an altar boy

at the exact same church

where I was an altar boy growing up.

That was horrifying to read.

That could've been me.

If I had become a priest.

- [audience laughs]

- [scattered applause]

We like to have fun.

[audience chuckles]

I'm proud to say

that I've never once in my entire life

paid money to have sex with a prost*tute.

And I'll tell you this.

They get so mad.

[audience laughs]

You know, there's one thing

I like about Milwaukee.

[clicks tongue] And there is one thing

I like about Milwaukee.

[audience chuckles]

Seems like a safe place to live. Yeah.

Maybe not to you, but compared

to where I live in Los Angeles,

oh my God, this is paradise.

My neighborhood's really gone to sh*t

in the past couple years.

Gotten dangerous.

The other day, a woman

in my neighborhood was walking her dog,

had the dog stolen from her at gunpoint.

Now it's my dog.

[audience laughs]

I actually do love it here in Milwaukee.

I enjoy any time I get

to come and perform.

One of the all-time great

stand-up comedy towns, Milwaukee.

Yeah.

It cheers me up to be back in Milwaukee.

I'll tell you that.

I've needed cheering up lately too.

I've been a little down lately.

I'll admit it.

Lost a friend recently. Stupid.

Friend of mine went to the hospital

for an elective surgery.

A simple breast reduction surgery.

Did not survive the surgery.

Died right there on the operating table.

As far as I'm concerned.

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers and applauds]

Yeah.

Somehow that's become

one of the most polarizing jokes

I'm gonna tell all night.

And if you didn't laugh at it,

that's okay.

But what the f*ck do you know?

[audience chuckles]

I've been doing this for 20 years.

[woman cheers]

And I'll be honest,

I had no idea it had been 20 years

before my agent told me.

I never thought of 20 years as a goal

I should be trying to achieve.

I've never defined success by longevity.

I've always defined success

by how long has it been

since I had to have a roommate.

- [audience chuckles]

- Yeah.

It's true.

I haven't had a roommate in 15 years.

[woman cheers]

I'm 45. That's not a flex.

[audience laughs]

Last roommate I ever had...

Last roommate I ever had, he had a video

of every single person

he'd ever had sex with in our apartment.

Yeah. It's a betrayal of trust.

But it was hilarious.

He had no idea.

[audience laughs]

Another way I define success as an artist.

How long has it been

since I had to have a day job?

Again, 15 years.

I hated the day jobs

I had to have coming up.

Imagine what I was like

at a day job 15 years ago.

[audience chuckles]

I had this one day job.

Someone kept stealing my lunch.

Someone stole my lunch every single day,

even though I clearly had

my name written on it.

And I was pretty sure I knew who did it.

I just couldn't prove it.

So, one day before work,

I crushed up

an entire bottle of laxatives.

Enough laxatives to cr*pple a man.

And I put them in my food,

and then I waited

until this guy got up

to go to the bathroom.

And as soon as he did,

I sh*t all over his desk.

[audience laughs]

[clicks tongue]

[clicks tongue]

Yeah, I got fired

from most of my day jobs.

All of them, really.

All of them except the last one.

Last day job I ever had,

I worked in a giant,

soulless corporate office building,

and I quit in the middle of the day

after I watched a 60-year-old woman

accidentally step

into an empty elevator shaft

and plummet 30 stories to her death.

I just walked right the f*ck out.

And that was my last day

in elevator repair.

[audience laughs]

If there's one thing I'm getting sick of

after 20 years of stand-up comedy,

it's the travel.

I always say I do the shows for free.

You pay me to travel.

And that is certainly true tonight.

[audience chuckles]

Two nights ago,

I fly from New York City to Milwaukee.

Two-and-a-half-hour flight.

It's direct. It should be easy.

I get on the plane.

The woman sitting

next to me has a 100-pound dog

curled up in her lap.

And I say, "Excuse me,

but what the f*ck is this?"

[audience laughs]

This woman, I swear to God,

she rolls her eyes at me,

and she goes,

"Uh, this is my emotional support animal."

"I have a note from my doctor."

I was like, "Note from your doctor?"

"Do you really need an

emotional support animal on this flight?"

And she goes, "No."

And I thought

my head was going to explode.

I don't like when people

take advantage of the system like that.

It's a two-and-a-half-hour flight.

I talked to her about it.

I'm happy to report by the time we landed,

she needed that f*cking dog.

[audience laughs]

Air travel has gotten so uncomfortable

in the past few years.

But everyone I know

who flies a lot like I do,

they always have a little trick.

Everyone's got their own unique trick

to make flying easier for them.

Like, I'm friends

with a very wealthy married couple.

They're millionaires.

And they got six kids

in between the two of 'em.

They're always flying off

on some exotic family vacation.

And whenever they fly, their trick is

the family flies

on two separate airplanes.

That way, worst-case scenario,

one of those planes crashes,

they don't have to deal

with their kids anymore.

- [audience laughs]

- Uh-huh.

But look, if I'm being honest

with you guys...

If I'm being honest,

I don't actually have any married friends.

[audience chuckles]

I used to.

Used to have a lot of married friends.

But all my married friends

have gotten divorced

in the past two years.

All of them.

But I've noticed something.

All my friends' divorces,

they all had two things in common.

Infidelity and me.

[audience laughs]

Hey, listen. [clicks tongue]

All right, listen.

You guys have been great so far.

I hate to do this to you,

but this next joke is gonna be

too smart for the crowd.

Don't worry. I will explain it to you.

And after all,

aren't those the best jokes?

Sigmund Freud's mom

must've been so f*cking hot.

- [audience laughs]

- Okay?

Get that?

A lot of you were faking it

for the cameras. Let me explain.

Dr. Sigmund Freud.

The most famous psychoanalyst of all time.

His main theory, his main claim to fame,

was the theory that every young man

wanted to m*rder his own father

and have sex with his own mother.

Imagine.

Imagine how hot his mom must have been

for his colleagues to go, "Publish that."

[audience laughs]

[clicks tongue] I was 14 years old

when I walked in on my parents having sex.

That's a big moment for any young man.

That moment when you realize your parents

are more than just Mom and Dad.

They're also swingers.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, that was a core memory, for sure.

Never forget that.

I'll never forget

the night of my senior prom.

Night of my senior prom. I'm 18 years old.

I'm at home, putting on my tuxedo

when my dad walked in the room,

and he handed me a condom.

Snuck it to me in a handshake.

So f*ck' gross.

[audience chuckles]

Then he looks me right in the eyes,

and he says, "Anthony,

do you have any questions?"

I said, "Yeah, Dad."

Do you have one

that's still in the wrapper?

[audience laughs]

Yeah, my dad was f*ck' weird, okay?

All your dads are weird.

When you're a kid, you can't recognize

how weird your parents are.

It's not until you get older

that you figure it out.

Like, when I was a little kid,

every year on my birthday,

my dad would take me into the kitchen,

put me up against the kitchen wall

and make a little mark

to measure my girth.

[audience laughs]

[Anthony] Mm.

And maybe that messed me up a little bit.

I don't know.

I feel like I'm a pretty normal guy.

Although I do get angry

when people try to talk to me about sex.

I was having lunch

with a friend the other day.

And he says, "Anthony,

I've been havin' trouble

with premature ejaculation."

I said, "Oh, yeah?"

"Why don't you try

talkin' about baseball?"

[audience chuckles]

He said, "Anthony, don't you mean

thinking about baseball?"

And I said, "I don't give a f*ck

what you think about."

"Just don't talk to me

about your premature ejaculation."

[audience cheers]

When I was growin' up,

I had a sibling rivalry

with my little brother.

Got out of hand, to be quite honest.

One day, my little brother

went into the backyard,

took my dog's collar off,

and let it run away from home.

So I poisoned his fish.

[audience chuckles]

I think I won that one.

'Cause the next day,

I went out, and I found my dog,

put his collar back on,

brought him back home.

But my brother,

he died from the salmon.

[audience laughs]

Yeah, it's a banger.

[audience chuckles]

Last year, my parents lost

all of their money in a Ponzi scheme.

So, of course, they came to me.

Their wealthy, successful son.

And asked me why I did that.

- [audience laughs]

- [Anthony] Mm.

Mm.

Yeah.

My family didn't have a lot of money

when I was growin' up.

My dad was a volunteer firefighter.

Do you know

what a volunteer firefighter is?

It is exactly like a regular firefighter.

Except your son does not respect you.

[audience chuckles]

My mom's been having a hard time.

She's gettin' paranoid in her old age.

Can't sleep at night

'cause she gets too scared.

So every night,

around bedtime, she calls me

to complain on the phone for hours

that she's too afraid

to fall asleep in her own home.

So finally, after months of this,

just to get her off my back,

I bought her a g*n.

And now she's scared about that.

She said, "Anthony,

what's the matter with you?"

"Don't you know

that people who live with a g*n

are more than twice as likely

to be shot in their own home?"

I said, "Mom,

I am counting on it."

[audience laughs and groans]

And look, maybe,

maybe I'm being too harsh.

I have trouble sleeping sometimes too.

Like the other night.

The other night, I'm lying in bed,

and I cannot fall asleep.

I'm just staring out my bedroom window

for hours.

And I swear, I saw my next-door neighbor

m*rder his wife in their kitchen

then dispose of the body in garbage bags.

Now I'm worried I'm next.

Like, I don't think he saw me,

but he sure as sh*t heard me clappin'.

[audience laughs]

Now, here's a joke I like a lot.

My cousin Randy

is maybe the dumbest person

I've ever met in my entire life.

Dumbest guy I've ever met.

The other day, he comes up, and he goes,

"Anthony, check out my new tattoo."

"It's the Japanese symbol for awesome."

[clicks tongue] "No, Randy."

"That's a swastika."

[audience laughs]

"I mean, f*ck, man. Everybody knows."

"Everybody knows

that's the German symbol for awesome."

[audience laughs and cheers]

Now, I said I liked that joke a lot.

Here's how much I like that joke.

I used to open with it.

Right at the beginning of this tour,

18 months ago,

Kanye West came to one of my shows.

I had no idea he was even there.

I didn't find out until the next day

when Kanye went on a podcast.

And he said, "I went to go see

Anthony Jeselnik last night,

and his opening joke is so high level

that it made me realize I'm not funny."

[audience chuckles]

Guys, that blew my mind

That's the best compliment

I've ever gotten in my life.

I humbled Kanye West.

- [audience chuckles]

- You know.

Yeah.

I'm not gonna lie. I was so excited.

I watched that clip 100 times.

I sent it to my manager.

I said, "Put this on my website."

"Put it on social media."

"Let's sell some f*cking tickets...

[audience chuckles]

...with a little help from Kanye."

And my manager says to me, "Anthony,

are you out of your g*dd*mn mind?"

"Don't you know what's been going on

with Kanye lately?"

And I said no. Honestly.

I used to be a huge Kanye fan,

but I stopped paying attention to him

when he went Christian.

[audience chuckles]

And my manager says,

"Well, in the past two weeks alone,

Kanye's been wearing

White Lives Matter T-shirts

and saying wild, anti-Semitic sh*t."

And I was like, "Oh." [clicks tongue]

"He went super Christian."

[audience laughs]

[audience cheers and applauds]

That crazy son of a b*tch

finally finished the whole book.

[audience laughs]

My manager said, "Look,

Anthony, you can use this clip of Kanye

to promote yourself if you want to,

but if you do,

you gotta drop that swastika joke."

"You gotta stop doing it for sure."

"Otherwise, you're gonna start

to attract the wrong kinds of fans,

and your current fans

will take the wrong lesson

from what you're doing."

And that's how much I like that joke.

[audience laughs]

I'm against cancel culture.

[audience cheers]

Thank you.

That's my impression of a sh*t comic

trying to get on Rogan.

[audience cheers]

In 20 years of stand-up comedy,

I've been asked the same questions

over and over and over again.

The question I get asked the most by far

is, "Anthony, what do you think

about cancel culture?"

"Does it make you mad?"

"Aren't you scared?

What do you think about cancel culture?"

So, let me be clear.

I don't give a f*ck about cancel culture.

What I am sick of are comedians

complaining about cancel culture.

It's not that hard. Do your job.

[audience laughs and cheers]

Comedians are supposed to be

unparalleled badasses.

I know this

because I have a f*cking mirror.

[audience laughs]

Cancel culture is not scary.

It's also not interesting.

And it's definitely not new.

Back when I was in college,

I had this crazy professor.

Made all of his students

fill out their own suicide note.

Then he would read them out loud

to the rest of the class.

[audience chuckles]

As soon as the parents found out,

he got fired immediately.

And I was the only one

who stood up for him.

Because, hey, he made math fun.

[audience laughs]

And yes, I did mention Joe Rogan, guys.

Do not get me wrong.

I like Joe.

Joe's my friend. Joe's a good guy.

But if you listen to his podcast,

you're a f*cking loser.

[audience laughs]

My brother-in-law

is Joe Rogan's biggest fan.

Never misses an episode.

Doesn't think four hours is long enough.

But my brother-in-law is Joe Rogan's

target demographic.

My brother-in-law

is a conspiracy theorist.

A crazy conspiracy theorist.

Like, my brother-in-law refuses

to become an organ donor

because he swears

that if you get into an accident

and the paramedics see

that you're an organ donor,

they won't try to save your life

'cause they want to use your organs

to help someone else.

It's insane, but I can't argue with him.

He's a paramedic.

[audience laughs]

Another question I've been asked

a million times in the last 20 years,

"Anthony, what's your favorite joke

you've ever written?"

It's easy. The first one.

Twenty years ago, when I started this,

I started from nothing.

I was nothing.

I was just going around

to open mics in Los Angeles,

performing for bitter open-mic comedians

who never reacted to anything.

I was just trying to find my voice.

Could I be good at this?

Could I make it a living?

And it took a while.

Until one night, I went to a coffee shop,

tried this joke out for the first time.

Changed my whole life.

I said, "Guys,

my girlfriend loves to eat chocolate."

"She's always eating chocolate,

and she likes to joke

she's got a chocolate addiction." Hmm?

"'Keep me away from those chocolate bars.

I'm addicted to 'em.'"

"And it's really annoying."

"So one day I put her in the car,

and I drove her downtown,

and I pointed out a crack addict,

and I said, 'Do you see that, honey?'"

"'Why can't you be that skinny?'"

[audience laughs]

And I will never forget telling

that joke for the very first time

to a room full of bitter

open-mic comedians

who never reacted to anything.

And the whole room just went, "Ooh."

[audience chuckles]

I was like,

"Oh, I'm gonna be a f*cking star."

[audience laughs]

And then, of course,

a couple years later, I got my big break,

and I got to do some roasting.

Got to roast Donald Trump,

Charlie Sheen, Roseanne Barr,

all the greats.

[audience cheers]

People still ask me, "Anthony,

which one was your favorite?"

Charlie Sheen.

But not because of Charlie Sheen.

I didn't give a f*ck about Charlie Sheen.

I remember a couple days before

that roast, I'm at home writing jokes.

And I get a phone call from the network.

And they say, "Anthony, I know

you only have a couple days left to write,

but we just added Mike Tyson to the dais."

"Will you be able to write yourself

any jokes about Mike Tyson?"

[audience chuckles]

Two days later,

I am walking into that roast

with 100 jokes about Mike Tyson.

[audience laughs]

I am so excited.

And right as I go to sit down,

guy from the network comes back.

He goes,

"I'm just double-checking with you."

"You don't have

any Mike Tyson r*pe jokes, do you?"

[audience chuckles]

And I said, "Why?"

[audience laughs]

And he said,

"Well, it was almost impossible

to get Mike Tyson to agree

to appear on a televised roast."

"We had to promise him

there would be no r*pe jokes."

I was like, "Are we talking

about the same Mike Tyson?"

[audience laughs]

So now the roast has begun.

I'm up at the podium. Cameras are rolling.

I have zero jokes about Mike Tyson.

[audience laughs]

And I am mad about it.

But out of the corner of my eye,

I can see Mike Tyson sitting on the stage.

Mike's been drinkin'.

Mike's been smokin'.

Mike's laughing at everything.

Mike's responding to jokes

that aren't even about him.

Mike Tyson was having

the time of his life.

So I think, "You know what?"

"I can do one."

[audience laughs]

So I said,

"I think Mike Tyson's biggest problem

is Mike never had

a strong male role model growing up."

"Mike's dad walked out on the family

very early on

after Mike r*ped him."

[audience laughs]

[scattered applause]

Now, as soon as I tell this joke...

As soon as I tell this joke, I regret it.

[audience chuckles]

I am afraid.

And I turned to look at Mike Tyson

to see, is he coming at me?

Am I about to die?

And I just see Mike Tyson

throw his head back, and he goes,

[laughs] "He got you, Charlie."

[audience laughs]

Guys, in 20 years of stand-up comedy,

I've gotten to meet so many famous people.

Haven't given a f*ck about any of 'em.

Except for one,

and that was Norm Macdonald.

- [audience cheers]

- Yeah. Yeah.

All right.

Long before I ever even considered

becoming a comedian,

I worshiped Norm Macdonald.

He was my hero when I was a kid.

He's still my hero today.

Never got to meet him

for the longest time.

Then a couple years ago,

I get a phone call from my agent.

He says, "Anthony, how would you like

to be the new host

of Last Comic Standing?"

And I said, "Why the f*ck

would I want to do that?"

[audience laughs]

"That show sucks."

And he said, "This year,

it's gonna be different."

"This year, they have

Norm Macdonald as a judge."

"Would you like to work with Norm?"

And I signed up on the spot.

Norm and I made eight episodes

of this TV show together.

Eight straight nights

of eight-hour tapings every night.

And for the first four episodes,

Norm Macdonald and I

do not get along at all.

[audience chuckles]

We get into fights every night on the air.

We get into fights every night backstage.

We flat-out do not like each other.

And it's k*lling me.

He's my hero

and the only reason I took this job.

So for those first four episodes,

I am working at it,

and I'm working at it hard.

Norm's working at it too,

just not nearly as hard.

[audience chuckles]

But after four episodes,

for whatever reason, something clicks.

Finally, Norm and I are laughing together.

We're getting along. All I ever wanted.

After the show was finally finished,

Norm and I had to go and promote it.

And the last time

I ever saw Norm Macdonald,

we are backstage at Larry King.

I'm getting interviewed first,

and then Norm.

Right before I go out, Norm says to me,

"Hey, Anthony, I know

we haven't always gotten along

or seen eye-to-eye,

but if you're up for it and you trust me,

I thought of something really funny

that you and I could do together."

I said, "Oh my God, Norm.

Of course. You're my hero."

"Tell me what you want to do."

He says, "I think it'll be funny

if instead of promoting the show

by talking about these other comedians,

why don't you and I just promote the show

by publicly insulting each other?"

He says,

"Don't even try to be funny, Anthony."

"Just be mean."

[audience chuckles]

And I said,

"You know what, Norm? I can do that."

[audience laughs]

I sit down with Larry King.

Larry says, "Anthony,

what you think about Norm Macdonald?"

And I said, "Larry,

Norm Macdonald is a piece of sh*t."

[audience chuckles]

And I can hear Norm laughing backstage.

I finish the interview.

I go backstage. Norm is still laughin'.

He says, "Anthony, that was perfect."

"Now, watch this."

[audience chuckles]

Norm sits down with Larry King.

Larry King says, "Norm, what do you think

about Anthony Jeselnik?"

Norm says, "Larry,

he's one of the greats."

[audience laughs]

[audience applauds and cheers]

I've never been more pissed off

in my entire life.

[audience chuckles]

Can't believe I fell for that.

You have been an amazing crowd today.

I'm going to leave you all with this.

This is my new closer.

Don't worry. It is trans-proof.

[audience chuckles]

About a month ago, I went to a wedding.

Craziest wedding I've ever seen.

After the ceremony,

every single person there took Molly.

The bride took Molly.

The groom took Molly.

The parents, the grandparents.

Every single person there was on Molly.

Craziest sh*t I've ever seen.

I blacked out around midnight.

Woke up the next morning

in a f*cking hammock somewhere.

Went and found the bride and groom,

and I was like, "Hey, guys."

"Did I do anything embarrassing

last night?"

And they said, "Yeah, Anthony."

"You spiked the punch with Molly."

[audience laughs]

Thank you very much, Milwaukee.

Have a great night. Thank you.

[audience cheering and applauding]

[indistinct, excited chatter]

[chatter fades]