(Mice & m*rder theme violins)
(thunder booming)
(mice squeaking)
- Hello, one and all, and welcome back
to another thrilling
season of "Dimension 20"
coming to you with a brand new side quest,
"Mice & m*rder".
I am your humble Dungeon
Master, Brennan Lee Mulligan.
With me as always...
Actually, for the FIRST
time, our sylvan sleuths!
Say hi, sylvan sleuths!
- Hello!
- Hi!
- Oh, wonderful.
Going around the Zoom call,
we have Katie Marovitch!
(all clapping)
Ally Beardsley!
Sam Reich!
Raphael Chestang!
Rekha Shankar!
(Rekha does the arm wave
from Erotic Clubhouse)
And Grant O'Brien!
- Hello, and thank you
so much for having me.
(all laugh)
- The only one who spoke.
- Yeah.
- I don't know why none
of you took your moment.
Take your moment!
- Take your moment!
I'd like to redo my moment.
- That is the tagline
of this season already.
- Well, with our wonderful
g*ng of adventurers
gathered here for a brand new side quest,
I invite all of you to imagine.
(thunder booming)
Gathering storm clouds,
dark, over the countryside
of a land both familiar and
fantastical, for indeed,
I invite you all to come now
to a land that some of you
might be familiar with.
We arrive in a dark and stormy night
in the countryside 90
minutes northwest by train
of London, in the country of England,
in a little village
called Tufting Meadows.
But perhaps Tufting Meadows
is a little bit different
than one might imagine,
for we see the statue of King Charles
there in the village
square of Tufting Meadows,
a short walk along cobblestones
slick with rainwater
from the train station.
King Charles looks as we all
know King Charles to look,
dapper boots, a sort of
fencing saber at his side,
and of course his head,
with a long muzzle,
a wet nose,
long, fluffy ears, because
of course we all know
that King Charles was
himself a Cavalier Spaniel,
for indeed we are here in
the merry English countryside
with all of the lovely woodland animals
that populate all parts of
England and indeed the world,
for this is a tale of mice and m*rder.
(thunder booming)
Storm clouds rumble on the horizon.
And though the storm has not fully broken
here above the village, it is coming.
A slight drizzle of rain
slicks the pavement,
the cobblestones reflecting
the dim gaslight of lamps
here in the village square.
A long shadow stretches
up the country lane,
and the sound of pebbles and
dirt scraping against metal
as a long shovel is dragged
upon the shadowy road.
A figure, stooped and hunched over
but still frighteningly
tall, and a top hat
perched upon the brow
of a sneering weasel.
Katie Marovitch, could you
please describe and name
your character for us?
(Katie clears her throat)
- 'ello.
I'm Gangie Green,
I'm a weasel.
I was born in London.
Something funny that
happened is my parents died
when I was just a little lad.
- Hysterical.
- I got raised in orphanages
until I got kicked out at 16
for starting fires and thieving.
Now, I've spent most of my
life in the criminal world,
and I'm quite good at it, and here I am.
- Gangie is stumping
along this country lane,
headed towards the graveyard
behind the old Anglican chapel,
Our Lady of Prayerful Paws.
Gangie, you are stumping along.
In your coat pocket, you have
a name on a piece of paper.
This name is on a gravestone,
and unlike some of the graves
you have dug in your time here,
this grave already has a body inside it.
You've been told to come
here and secure something
and secretly move it back to Loam Hall.
As you approach, Gangie,
you move through the graveyard.
Go ahead and give me a stealth check
if you would be so kind,
and with the gathering storm clouds,
go ahead and do it with advantage.
You can roll twice and take
the better of the two rolls.
- 22.
- Ooh!
Also worth mentioning that Gangie,
as a third level thief subclass rogue,
doesn't take half movement for climbing,
so Gangie gets to the wrought
iron gate and stone walls
around the graveyard of Our
Lady of Prayerful Paws and,
in a little bolt of dark,
weasely, moving serpentine
over the top of the wall,
Gangie is within the
graveyard, shovel at the ready.
- Like how they say that rats
can like flatten their bones.
- Yes, cartilaginous.
- Weasels can also.
- Yes, 100%.
What Gangie sees as you
go into the graveyard,
you search around, moving throughout.
Gangie, go ahead and make
a perception check for me.
- 29.
(Brennan laughs)
- Was that a nat 20?
- 29.
- Yes, but-
- But what did you roll on the dice?
- I clicked the button on D&D Beyond.
It was something plus nine.
- So 20!
- That's a nat 20!
- 20 plus nine is 29!
- So 20!
- What could it have been?
- It must have been a 20!
- Can I say really quick off the bat,
I'm so glad we're sh**ting remotely
so I don't have to do dice math,
my computer will do it for me?
- Yes.
- Yeah.
- Incredible.
- Absolutely.
- Gangie, you peer
through the dark and see
a small candle lit
inside of the rectory,
the small abode of this Anglican priest,
the vicar of Tufting Meadows.
It is well past the witching hour.
With that nat 20, not
only do you see that,
you see a weeping widow,
Catherine McCabbbage, a small
little mouse dressed in black,
and with a hastily made
cup of tea in his hands,
we see the vicar of Tufting Meadows.
Raph, could you please
describe your character for us
and introduce him.
- Who, me? Well, of course.
My name is Vicar Ian Prescott.
If you'll excuse me,
there's so many people here,
I'm not used to...
I have a very small parish.
I just have to gather my thoughts.
I started out as a young priestling.
That's not the actual word for it,
but for you to understand what I mean,
you understand what I mean
when I say priestling.
I was a little fellow.
My father was in the ministry,
my father before that,
and they, well,
they passed on a share of their flair,
but maybe not so much.
I didn't have as much of a helping
of the eloquence that they had.
The good Lord did not
bless me so much with that,
but what he did bless me with,
I have not found yet,
but I certainly have it
and I'm able to do it
here in Tufting Meadows.
After I finished seminary,
there were many places
that I wanted to go, but
none so much that the Lord
deemed that they would want me.
But here, here is where...
When God closes every door but one,
you go through the one that is open,
and that is what I did!
I'm an owl, by the way!
(all laughing)
I'm a full owl.
- Incredible.
Dressed in stately if hastily
donned clerical garments,
vicar, you were awakened
from your slumber,
although I will say that you are
a little bit of a night owl.
(Raph laughs)
- Oh brother.
- Woo!
It's just getting started, folks!
- That was so good.
- The widow McCabbage
accepts the cup of tea.
You know, she's a tiny little mouse,
which, you know, the scale
of the animal folk here,
as in everywhere else in the world,
is sort of, you know, mice are, you know,
about half the size of the largest animals
which are things like
badgers and stuff like that,
so there is a size differential,
but it's a greatly, like,
accordion-ed in one.
Like, I think in real life a badger's
like 100 times the size of a mouse.
But the small, little sort
of like halfling-sized
mouse woman looks up, big
sort of globes of tears
hanging at the corner of her eyes.
"Right, you're very kind, sir.
Thank you, vicar, I
appreciate the kindness
you're showin' me,
and I am awful sorry to come wake you up
in the middle of the night.
I, I just...
I keep feeling like I hear his voice
outside the window, and...
Is there anything in the Good Book, vicar,
that says that those that have passed on
can come back in some way,
or can visit those of us...
Do you think my dear Connor might...
I don't know."
- Well.
- Do you think he might
be trying to reach out?
- Oh, sure, the Lord,
the Lord speaks...
He's with the Lord, and the Lord can speak
through the wind or
through fire or through me,
perhaps speaking through me right now.
Do you feel anything?
(Grant laughs)
- Go ahead and make a persuasion
check with disadvantage,
if you would be so kind.
(Rekha laughs)
- Persuasion.
- Raph's first roll is
gonna be with disadvantage.
- Disadvantage, yeah.
- I love that the vicar is like,
do you think he's speaking through me?
Do you feel it?
- Do you feel it?
So I just click on it, just roll it?
- Yeah, you roll twice and take
the worse of the two rolls.
- Oh, got it.
All right, so first one's a 12.
Seven.
- Ooh!
- So with a seven persuasion check,
you're just a little bit flustered
and it's not ideal circumstances for you.
You see that Catherine
McCabbage looks up and says,
"At this present moment, is
the Lord speaking through you?
I don't, um...
Oh, you know, now that you mention it."
- Oh please, oh please, oh please.
- Ah, he absolutely is, vicar, yes.
- Oh, thank God.
- You seem very shocked, and maybe...
Maybe this was a mistake.
I'm sorry to come and wake you
in the middle of the
night, vicar, you seem...
I just meant to ask, you
know, over the past summer,
I know that you were saying
that the reason Connor died
in the mill is because of
negligence and it was unsafe
and that these mills are
a plague on the land,
but, you know, they did have
that gentleman detective
from London up here over the
summer, and some were saying
it was m*rder, and if I
keep hearing his voice
on the wind, maybe there
was something wicked at work
and he's trying to tell us
something from the beyond.
Do you think...
Do you think if was just an accident,
even an accident caused by some negligence
on the part of the good
squire and the mill owners,
do you think that that
would be enough for him
to speak to me on the wind like that,
or is it proof that something
truly vile did happen?
- Oh, something did happen,
and we will get to the bottom of it.
You, me, and with the good Lord's help,
certainly, certainly he
could talking to you,
and I know for a fact
that something horrible,
horrible happened as I, oh God.
As I spoke about and have written about
and been published, have
you seen my articles?
(Grant laughs)
- Vicar, aye, I've seen the articles.
They are about my dead husband,
I certainly read them, yes, absolutely.
- Yes, yes, yes, yes.
Well in there, you will find
that we are in a wicked time all together,
and I see more wickedness on the way
if we continue down this path,
if we do not turn back to, uh,
making this land go back to its origins
and reject the ways of the big cities
and these metropolises and the
world, the rest of the world.
- Well that's very comforting, father.
(all laughing)
Give me a perception check, Raph.
- A perception check! (laughs)
- Don't speak at my funeral, Raph.
- Yes, please!
- 17, baby.
(thunder booming)
- Lightning crashes, and
for the briefest moment,
the graveyard is lit
with a flash of lightning
and you see a grim
figure in the graveyard.
- Hoo!
- In a moment, it is dark again.
The rain picks up, but you
think there may be a trespasser
on the hallowed grounds of
Our Lady of Prayerful Paws.
- Hoo, I think maybe we should
just wait this out, see what happens.
You stay here.
- Wait what out, father?
- There's someone lurking about.
I don't want to alarm you,
but there are wicked things happening.
(Brennan screams)
A piercing scream.
Father, father! There
must be someone out there!
He was right, the squire
badger was right, and...
That, that detective from London,
there's really something there,
the m*rder*r's come back!
He k*lled my husband
and now he's come back
for the rest of my family!
Father please, please go out and find him!
Find the man who's done this!
- My head spins around.
Okay.
- Aw!
- Okay, okay, you just
stay here, you stay here.
I have the blood of Christ
around me at all times,
so I'm something.
Okay, I'm going out, I'm
going out to investigate.
- You go and get ready.
Gangie, back to you in the graveyard.
You find your grave
and can definitely make short work of it.
This grave is gonna be
very easy work for you
because you yourself dug it
about, like, a month ago.
You are deep in there.
Go ahead actually and give me
an athletics check with advantage.
- 19.
- 19? Hell yeah.
You dig through, and
again, in this instance
you are fulfilling your
function as a grave robber,
but this was also something
that you took care of
in your official capacity
as the gravedigger.
You get to the casket.
For Gangie's work, do you
usually take the casket with you,
or do you just tie up the body
and heft it over a shoulder?
- Tie up the body, put it over a shoulder,
and I'll deal with the rest later.
- You heft the body.
It was embalmed, but there's still,
it's been underground for a month,
there's still the smell
of partial rot here.
The body is still somewhat intact.
You take the body, dressed
in a black wool suit
is the body of an elderly goat,
curling horns coming back,
and you heft the body over a shoulder,
and as you turn around again
to slink through the graveyard,
Gangie, go ahead and give me
a stealth check, and I'm gonna ask
for a perception check for Raph.
- 15.
- 15.
- Ooh, 22.
- (gasps) Gangie, you slink
through the graveyard,
shovel, the body is wrapped
up in tarp and rope.
Father Prescott, you emerge
with a lantern from the rectory,
come out and voom, the
light goes up, and Gangie,
you are framed in light,
and turn to see Vicar Prescott here.
- Hello.
- Hoo, what has you...
What are you doing here?
You scared the living daylights out of me.
- Mind your own business.
(Brennan laughs)
- I'll actually ask here
for an intimidate check from Gangie.
Roll intimidate, but go
ahead actually and add five
to whatever you roll, 'cause I'm gonna say
that you are menacing enough
that instead of using your charisma,
you're gonna use your
strength modifier here.
- 18.
- 18, that's an 18 intimidate.
So Raph, up to you to determine that.
You see Gangie.
Gangie is the official
gravedigger, so, like,
does sometimes have business
here in the graveyard.
- Right.
- But it's up to you
how Vicar Ian responds.
- I know that look.
I think I will leave you.
I will just assume that
you are working late
and very dedicated to your job, sir.
- That's right.
- Yes, that is right.
- That's right.
- That is correct.
- Gangie slinks away with this huge parcel
over his shoulder, over the graveyard wall
and gone into the night, and you see
that the widow McCabbage
comes out and says,
"Father, is everything all right?
I head you speaking to someone out here."
- Yes, yes, everything is fine.
Gangie is just putting in some extra hours
for free, honestly we
should be thanking him
for the amount of work and
dedication that he is showing.
You know, you can't just have dead bodies
all sprawling around at
all corners of the night.
I guess people can die at any time
and need to be buried immediately.
Why don't we put on some tea?
We can put on some tea and chat
more about your husband and these-
- You see the widow
kind of looks up at you
and furrows her brows, says,
"Something about that weasel
gives me the heebie-jeebies,
father, and I don't mind saying it
even to a man of the cloth."
She ties a shawl around her neck
and looks up and you and says,
"I trust your wisdom, vicar,
and sorry to bother in
the middle of the night.
I know my problems are my own.
Shouldn't have come here
to disturb you, and..."
She looks up at you.
Give me an insight check.
- Seven.
- Seven.
It's raining, you don't
see much of a look,
but you do hear her parting
words as she gets ready
to walk back to her home where her mother
is currently staying to help take care
of her now fatherless children.
She looks up at you and says,
"I understand, father, that
the Lord works through us
in his own way, but I
think every once in a while
it might do us well to
do a little bit of work
on the Lord's behalf even
when he's not working
through us, and I wish
you a good night, vicar."
And she walks off into the rain.
- Be careful!
(Brennan and Grant laugh)
- We move away from the
flustered vicar's rectory.
The first sign in some time
that one of your parishioners
has seen fit to lean on you in this way,
and we move up
over the dark graveyard
to the country lane where the
stooped figure of Gangie Green
returns to the massive manor,
not on the hill,
but in the hill,
to the top of Loam Hall,
and to business of his own.
We cut the following day
to a wonderful morning.
In 22B Hampstead Street,
in the city of London,
wonderful chamber music is playing
and we see two figures in an apartment,
one of whom has just made arrangements
to take a motorcar out to the countryside,
and the other of which
is reading a newspaper.
Rain drizzles as it often does in London
against the windows.
Music is playing, but
I will allow the music
to be described and the
manner of this dwelling
to be described by the inhabitants.
The first inhabitant we see
is one who has just gotten
off of the brand new installed telephone
to make way for this motor carriage.
We see a tall figure, and
they are standing there
just near the telephone.
Ally, could you please
describe your character for us?
- Yeah, hello everybody.
Yeah, my name is Lars,
I am a Doberman Pinscher.
A lot of people call me Sergeant,
and that was because,
yeah, I was a sergeant.
I have a bit of a military
background, sue me.
Ah, what else about me? Hm.
I am very strong, oh!
And, hm, what else?
I guess looking at Lars,
they're one of those dogs
that has so, like, very
human-like muscles,
so it's just like an extremely,
they're an extremely muscular dog
with just like a thin
coat of jet black fur,
but they're wearing a bright pink tuxedo.
- Yeah!
- Is that too much of a curveball?
- Perfect.
- Perfect.
- We see this enormous
military background body person
for the main,
the sort of like long time inhabitant.
It is the hunter of
Hampstead Street himself,
the gentleman detective renowned
across all of Great Britain
and, in fact, the world.
With a newspaper in his hands,
we move over,
and Grant, could you describe, actually,
the dwelling we're in a little bit?
Some of the accoutrements
we would see on the wall,
and also the music
that's currently playing?
- Yes, so the place is very cluttered
with old photographs of the exploits
of one detective Sylvester Cross,
the most famed detective in all England.
At the moment,
my body man is playing some music,
and I've insisted that it be brass,
because I do believe that the Americans
have perfected the art of the brass band.
(Raph screams)
I do enjoy how rousing
it is in the morning,
though I say, Lars,
I do wish you would have
gotten rid of that contraption.
You know it spies on you.
- Which one?
- Your telephonics.
- Oh, you know I heard
it was sending my data
right to somebody.
- What's his name, the Eel Musk.
- Yes!
- Who owns the telephone company.
Constantly listening to
us, I know that he is-
- I can't f*cking believe it.
Ally has done so many of these,
this is f*cking record time
for anachronistic pop culture references.
We are 45 seconds max.
- It was not me this time, it was not me.
(Brennan laughs)
I start doing pull-ups
on, like, the windowsill.
- Pull-ups in a full tuxedo.
- My exercise outfit!
- And I take a look at
the wood around the window
and see it begin to creak
and think to myself,
well, there they go again.
- We see, as we move across the room,
exploits, musical instruments,
a wonderful small sort of gentleman's bar,
there's a decanter of
brandy, some crystal glasses.
- I daresay it's not as small
as one might think for polite company.
- And we look at a newspaper.
The front article, the
front page headline,
reads as follows.
Scotland Yard closes McCabbage case.
Sylvester Cross leaves
his first and perhaps last
caper uncracked.
In the body of the text, it reads,
the unfortunate death of Connor McCabbage
at the Tufting Meadows textile mill
has been ruled an accident,
leaving accusations
of negligence on the part
of William Brockhollow
ringing soundly in the ears
of London high society.
Vicar Ian Prescott's words of admonishment
from the pulpit of Our
Lady of Prayerful Paws
have left questions of
cut corners on the minds
of all those sympathetic
to the McCabbage family.
Adamant on the involvement of foul play
rather than factorial noncompliance,
Squire William Brockhollow hired
the Hunter of Hampstead Street,
none other than Sylvester Cross,
whose daring exploits
have splashed the covers
of our pages since the Cottonbottom Caper
and his first run-in
with criminal mastermind
and archrival the late
Fletcher Cottonbottom
those many years ago.
Sly Sylvester took the case,
indicating to the world
that indeed foul play was afoot,
and yet even with the help
of trusted companion
Sergeant Lars Vandenchomp,
it seems for the first time,
the hunt has gotten ahead of the fox.
- I say, they've used
a very handsome photograph, haven't they?
- Yeah, I was going to say the same thing.
I look gorgeous.
- And speaking of a handsome photograph,
Grant, could you describe
your character for us?
- Yes, Sylvester is a bit of a fop.
Sylvester is in his mid 50s,
very handsome, but perhaps
just past his prime.
Sylvester walks with a walking stick
because of an accident.
His arch nemesis, one
Fletcher Cottonbottom,
is the son of Sylvester's former employer,
Lord Ignatius Cottonbottom, now late.
Sylvester began his career
as the personal physician
to Lord Ignatius Cottonbottom,
who was the head of the British Museum.
Ignatius Cottonbottom faked
his own death by using science.
All England thought that he had
died and risen from the dead
at the hands of the occult, but no,
it was tinctures from America
that made him appear dead
to all but the keenest of eyes.
Fletcher Cottonbottom, his son,
was in line to be the recipient
of a great sum of insurance payment,
if only that plan hadn't been
interrupted by yours truly.
- And yours three-ly!
- Now all these many years
later, I have,
I daresay, seen better days.
I have just, I'll keep
going until you cut me off.
- Cool, that's great, perfect.
You see, yes, Sylvester.
- Oh, and what do I look like?
Describe my character? Sure, yes.
Well, I'm a fox, and a bit of fop.
I always dress to the nines,
never without a waistcoat,
always with a brightly colored dress.
I enjoy being seen and
I enjoy seeing others.
- Incredible.
Sylvester, you have definitely read
things critical of yourself
in the newspaper before,
but they were always attributed
like you have had plenty of negative press
from Scotland Yard and the constabulary,
you know, who you are
constantly showing up
and who are themselves a bunch
of corrupt and crooked and decadent people
that wouldn't know how to solve a mystery
if it bit them in their tailed rumps,
but this is in the editorial voice
of the paper itself, it's...
You have many times not taken cases.
In fact, in the bulk of your career,
you probably turn down 99% of cases
just from being boring.
Every day, it's like 20, 30 letters,
like, please take this.
You're usually able to solve the case
just by reading the letter,
'cause there'll be a thread
in the envelope or a smidge of ash,
and you're like, well
here's what happened.
But you're not even getting
that many letters anymore,
and this is the first case you've taken
that you didn't crack.
Resting sort of near
your coat and umbrella,
your top hat near the door, and Lars,
go ahead and give me an
insight check with advantage.
- Definitely.
Ooh, that's only a 10.
- Cool, you're just doing pull-ups,
so you do not notice
the look of melancholy
that crosses your companion's face.
- You look so good in that photo!
- You're too kind.
- Sylvester, you instead look
at another piece of writing
from the person who hired you in the hand
of Squire William Thornwall Brockhollow.
You see a note penned to you quickly
from his desk up in Loam Hall
in the village of Tufting Meadows, saying,
"To the honorable Mr. Sylvester Cross,
I state to you formally
that it does not give me
great pleasure to be the first client
of the great detective of Hampstead Street
to not see my mystery
resolved, and to think
that I also have paid
perhaps the highest price
for this dead end of
sorts leads me to believe
that I have been taken
for somewhat of a ride.
However, your contract being very clear
that no results are guaranteed,
I will not be so ungentlemanly
as to ask for a refund of any kind.
Instead, might we consider it
a part of your estimable sum
to make a jovial and gladhanded appearance
at the celebration of my
60th birthday at Loam Hall,
that my daughter and son
are throwing in my honor?
Your presence there in
the presence of the press
would do much to alleviate
all of the negative attention
which your hiring, as I
think you are well aware,
was intended to alleviate
in the first place.
Do the right thing, Mr. Cross.
Sincerely, the squire William
Thornwall Brockhollow."
- Lars.
- Hm.
- When you check my
mail, do you not check it
for things that I might take as an insult?
(all laughing)
- I am so sorry. I am so sorry.
- I've been invited by Bigtooth
to go up and be a part
of a dog and pony show.
- What?
- He wants to parade me around,
rub my nose in my humiliation.
Well!
- Lars, my dear friend,
you sadly did find this and
already RSVPed yes to it.
That's why you got the motor carriage.
- I feel like my...
Okay, my favorite part about
dogs is I feel like their tail
is like always the dead giveaway.
- Yeah.
- So I think my tail
is just so deeply between
my legs, I'm just like, oh!
Um, well now, maybe, Sylvie,
would now be a good time
to tell you that, um, we
leave in 45 minutes or so?
(Brennan laughs)
- You, listen! Listen, hey!
You're thinking about this all wrong.
This could be a time for clues.
- Well, I do like a time for clues.
(all laughing)
All right, get about
steaming four suits for me.
- At once.
- We'll depart at once,
but I'll tell you this.
I'll be stopping by the bank,
because I intend to give
that big toothed b*stard
every bit of bones that he paid me back.
He'll be receiving a
full refund if he thinks
that he can simply rub
my nose in my failure.
- We don't need his money.
And I get into a really hot shower
and cover myself in really hot water
and then I roll over all
of his suits to steam them.
We don't need his money!
- I mean, the suits are immaculate.
Lars, your like rippling pecs
and your enormous wingspan
with like your traps and delts,
you're just hurling
these huge trunk cases.
You're going for one night and
the car has like four cases
of like haberdashery and
wardrobe on the back.
- Make sure to pack the valise as well.
- I will.
- It's where I keep my hats.
- Lars, you have your...
You get a chance to, in your pink tuxedo,
you have your motorist goggles and gloves,
looking extremely the part.
Sylvester, you hop into
the back and you take off,
and we see a little
motor carriage trundling
up out of the city streets of London
and then through the
countryside, dirt roads.
(Brennan making old-timey car noises)
Up towards Tufting
Meadows, but we also see
not only country roads,
but country rails as well,
and through the drizzling rain,
on this extremely light gray morning
with the drizzle falling over
the green English countryside,
we see willows, deep brown
rivers with the rain swell
churning up the mud from the riverbed,
so underneath the light gray sky,
we see the green of the
English countryside,
the old farm walls,
sheep huddled together,
and we see a locomotive steaming,
cutting directly through the countryside,
a long tail of white smoke
turning with its heat
into vapor as well, so this thick tail.
Near the front of the
train, in a first class car,
not only with beds that won't be necessary
for the very short ride,
but replete with minibar
and a lovely feast
with actual dining car service brought up
from the rear of the train,
we see three individuals
living life quite well
in this high class car.
The first of them I'll
go ahead and describe,
which is a nervous looking armadillo.
An armadillo, that's true, an American
here abroad in England,
nervously filing some papers,
shuffling them into a brief,
and we see two other individuals as well.
Sam, would you go ahead
and describe who we see
at the head of the table.
- Yes, I can!
So I'm playing Buckster $ Boyd.
Buckster is a javelina,
otherwise known as a skunk pig.
He is a Texas oil baron,
kind of like a small
boar or a miniature boar.
I sort of imagine him as
like the 1900s version
of a lumbersexual.
He, like, looks the part of a cowboy,
but like has never done any
manual labor in his life.
He wears a cream colored suit
and a cream colored cowboy hat
that are both a little too clean,
kind of throwing off his cowboy image,
and his prized possession that
he holds dearly in his hand
more often than not is a gold pocket watch
that was given to him by his late father,
in which is inscribed the words,
"Time is money, here's both."
(Rekha gasps)
- Ooh!
- Yo.
- Mr. Boyd!
- Yo!
- That's awesome.
- Incredible.
- Whoa, f*ck, cool.
- Holy sh*t!
- Holy sh*t!
- Whoa!
- Holy f*cking sh*t!
- Holy sh*t, dude!
- And mere minutes away
from arriving at the
Tufting Meadows station,
do we see...
What do we see Buckster doing at the table
as we are sort of about a few minutes away
from pulling into Tufting Meadows?
- Buckster is like housing
his third sandwich.
Buckster feels like if
there's food around,
he's got to taste
everything at least thrice,
and kind of every once in a while glancing
over the armadillo's shoulder
to see what's going on
in the world of his finances,
doing a little bit of backseat driving.
- Incredible.
And seated across from
both of these gentlemen,
by the window, looking at the
English countryside roll past,
Rekha, who do we see as the
final inhabitant of this car?
- You see an absolutely stunning raccoon,
round as a ball,
a gorgeous dress, sunhat covered
with trash artfully placed
to look like flowers,
sipping a brandy daisy,
her favorite c*ck and her namesake,
this is Daisy D'umpstaire.
She is originally Daisy Dumpster,
daughter of Rusty and Tuna Dumpster
of the South Carolina Dumpsters,
but she made her way
out of her poor hometown
and she's rebranded herself,
she is now a woman of the
world, Daisy D'umpstaire.
She is sipping her c*ck
and looking out the window.
Buckster, and you're positive
we don't have a guest list for this event?
- Well I do declare, Ms.
D'umpstaire, I do declare,
I haven't seen anything of the kind.
For all I know, we could be hobnobbing
with the scum of society.
- Oh, it's England, of
course it's gonna be scummy.
- Scummy as the weather, my
dearest, scummy as the weather.
- Yeah, Daisy looks sort of
wistfully out the window,
we're kind of unsure
what she's thinking about
or why she's asked about this guest list,
but England is definitely
not her cup of brandy.
- Ah.
- You see that Armond Armadillo looks up.
This is Buckster's chief
financial employee,
his accountant, looks up and says,
"Well, looking over the
spreadsheets here, boss,
I got to say,
I don't quite recommend the
expense for a sleeper car
on a 45 minute ride,
outside, we probably
could've ridden in coach
and saved a big old
heaping helping of money."
- Is that a fact, Armie, is that a fact?
Let me have a quick look at that.
And I take the piece of paper from him
that he's been doing his math on,
and I wipe my sloppy maw with it.
- Armond.
- Hello.
- Armond, let me tell
you, we're gonna make up
more than enough when
we get off this train,
so don't you worry your crazy little body.
- That's right, Armie, you got
to spend money to make money.
That's accounting 101.
- I understand, but,
we're spending money all over the place,
so sometimes the making
money has to come back,
and also, you know,
my job doesn't let me make money.
I'm just trying to find places
for us to save and everything.
- You're doing your job,
Armie, which is to think
about the money going out.
Now, let Daisy and I, two against one,
think about the money that's coming in.
By the end of this weekend,
you ain't gonna have to
worry your little heart.
- Well, if you say so, boss.
You're the brains, after all.
I'm just the spreadsheet. (laughs)
- Yes you are, Armond.
- That's right.
- Yes, I'm bad. I'm bad.
- That's right, you are a
little tiny piece of dirt.
- I'm a tiny old piece of dirt,
and I'm gonna do what
tiny pieces of dirt do
and I'm gonna roll on down the road.
And you see that he just turns into a ball
and rolls down the train
to go to the bathroom.
- Thank god, I was worried
if I touched him my arm would fall off.
You know armadillos carry
leprosy, it's disgusting.
- Train pulls into the station.
You see that Armond carries
all of your guys' bags
as you guys depart the train,
and you guys see this, in a trench coat,
a little flat cap and a scarf,
goggles on the forehead,
is a frog who has been
sent here from Loam Hall
to the village train station, says,
"Oi there, governor,
welcome to Tufting Meadows.
If it isn't the estimable Buckster $ Boyd.
Maybe we'll call you
Buckster Pound Sign Boyd.
I'm Squire Badger's
chauffer, Templeton Padhop."
- Mr. Hop, it is a pleasure.
Will you be hopping us over
to our destination today?
- Oh, of course, very
important guests of the squire
come and get picked up
in the squire's personal
motor carriage personally,
they does, and I'd be happy to give you
a little tour of our lovely
town here, if you wish.
- We would love that, we just need to wait
for our accountant to roll back
to the front from the bathroom.
- Should be any minute now.
- You see Armie says,
"I'm sorry, I'm back,
I just had to go take
a little bit of a leak.
It's hard to squeeze into
the carriage bathroom
because my shell's so big.
I am very, very sorry."
- You are rather big and awkward
for little piece of dirt,
for a little nothing.
- You see, you guys arrive.
You throw the suitcases on the thing.
You see that Templeton says,
"Oh Lord, look at that.
Well, one of the wheels seems to be..."
You see he sort of
adjusts one of the wheels.
They're like these thin
motor carriage wheels.
He looks over and says,
"Looks like one of the
wheels is a little bit ajar,
might have hit something of
a pothole on the way here."
You see he looks over at Armond and says,
"I'm sorry there, Mr.
Armadillo, if you'd be so kind,
could you just hold onto
the axle here real quick?"
You see Armond says,
"Well, I suppose I have to."
He circles up around the
back right wheel of the car
and Templeton says, "He's a perfect fit!
All right, all aboard for Loam Hall!"
- Buckster, we've got to use
Armond as a wheel more often.
- He went from being the
third wheel to the fourth,
and far more useful this way.
- Oh, shut up, you're too much.
- You see Templeton goes,
"That's a right good quip, mister!
f*ck you, you armadillo, f*ck you!"
(all laughing)
You see Armond,
you see Armond goes, "Well,
that's a record setting time
for a brand new stranger
to completely feel free
to abuse me to my face."
You guys load into the motor carriage.
Templeton says, "All aboard,
welcome to Tufting Meadows,
the ancestral home of the
Brockhollow family and Loam Hall!"
(Brennan's old-timey car noises return)
Motor carriage takes off.
As the sun is setting, you
begin to descend on Loam Hall.
Two motor carriages converge on Loam Hall,
with a number of other motor carriages
and indeed some people traveling
on foot from the village.
The rain begins to pick up.
Fine dressed guests, as well
as a broad and vast staff
of footmen and porters and maids,
valet and butler and all manner of people
attending Loam Hall.
As you arrive at Loam Hall,
you see that this is an
ancient red stone manor house,
old, old family dwelling
place and old money
built into the side of the hill.
The door is set into the
hillside facing a river,
and the road comes up,
the cars are able to park
in a small white gravel sort of rotunda
near an outdoor fountain,
the fountain still going
even under the rain bubbling up.
Various guests, you see that
there are sort of, you know,
various footmen and other
people that are coming in
to help people up out of the rain.
You guys see that a pug
walks up wearing a bowler hat
with a big umbrella, he says,
"Hello there, friends,
welcome, welcome one and all
to Loam Hall, may I accompany
you and take your coats
upon arriving at the entrance hall?"
And he addresses Buckster
and Daisy in this manner.
- Why thank you, good
boy. What's your name?
- Oh, well you can call me Mr. Snout, sir.
I'm one of the footmen here at Loam Hall.
Milo Snout's the name.
- Mr. Snout, we are
grateful for your service.
And I flick him a little
American coin of some kind.
- You flick him, like,
a shiny quarter, and he goes,
"Well well well, do my ears
deceive me or do I detect
the distinctive brogue
of an American, perhaps,
if I might be so bold, a Texan?"
- That's a matter of fact correct, sir,
that's a matter of fact correct.
We are generous with
our earnings in America,
we tend to bring a bit
of that generosity here
to Loam Hall, that's yours to keep.
Hopefully you can use
it, despite its heritage.
- He says, "Well, as a foreign currency,
I can assure you, sir, that
I cannot spend this here."
- Then consider it a
token of my appreciation
and merely a token.
- You see he says, "I certainly
will, sir. Right this way."
And you guys go up into the hall.
Sylvester and Lars, both
of you arrive here as well,
park the motor carriage outside.
You guys cross a sort
of little wooden bridge
to get over the river, pull
up into the gravel area here.
As you guys exit the car as well,
you see that there's a lizard
wearing a bowler hat as well,
long sort of skink looking lizard
comes up with a big umbrella, and goes,
"Hello and welcome to Loam Hall.
Pleasure, I'll be taking your
hats and coats at the door,
and please let me know
if there's anything I can do for you."
- I think Lars does like a
really quick perimeter check
like he's used to doing, very, like,
high intensity for the first like minute
of every time we land somewhere,
so I'm just like. (sniffs)
- Go ahead and give me a perception check.
- Okay.
Perception.
Yeah that's right, b*tch, 23.
- Ooh!
- Mm-hm.
- I'm somehow so close to everyone's ear,
no one knows how I got that close.
(all laughing)
- Absolutely awful, Ally.
- Oi!
- Was that cute and fun?
- Good show.
- No.
- Was that cute and fun?
- Incredible.
- Yeah, 23 perception.
- 23 perception.
You notice, with 23
perception, looking around,
yeah, busy, lots of guests
here are all arriving,
there's a little banner,
up near the door you see
Squire Badger's son, Jeremy Brockhollow,
is kind of welcoming people at the door
and being very jolly and boisterous.
Katie, where do you think Gangie would be?
Because obviously you need
to be kind of on high alert
because there's a lot of strangers here
and like Squire Badger would've told you,
like, just keep an eye out in general.
Where do you think
Gangie would be posted up
as guests are arriving at the party?
I think I'm perhaps
sitting on the fountain.
- Cool.
- Just chilling.
- Awesome, one of the things
you probably would be worried
about is that the river,
in a heavy rainstorm, can
swell up sometimes, and, like,
as a groundskeeper, you do
have some groundskeeper tasks
that you have to do from time to time,
so I think Lars, you clock Gangie Green
by the fountain.
You knew Gangie as a career criminal
in London who vanished from the scene
probably like less than a year ago,
and see him with like garden
dirt on his knees and gloves
holding a shovel just parked here,
and I think you probably see
another staff member come over,
say something to Gangie and
like point up at the hall,
so he's not like a f*cking
ghost haunting this place.
Like someone goes and talks to him
and then walks away from him.
Gangie, go ahead and make
a perception check for me.
- Uh-oh, 12.
(Ally barks)
- Cool, Lars,
you are not noticed, you are not noticed
by Gangie in this moment.
- I catch myself from barking.
Interesting, very interesting, hm.
- As you head up the path
towards the entrance hall.
- I give the lizard a German franc.
- So annoying!
- Incredible.
- Thank you so much for your hospitality,
here you are, this is from Germany.
- Sorry, a German franc?
- Yeah, maybe?
- I think it's a mark, I
think it's a Deutsche Mark.
- Oh, yeah yeah yeah, of course.
- I thought you were making a joke.
It's like doubly useless,
it's not even real German currency.
- This is some French
currency from Germany, yeah.
- But you see he goes-
- Let's go with that.
I give him a German franc.
- He goes.
- No!
- "Thank you very much
for this highly ill*gal
counterfeit currency."
You guys head up.
As you are walking up together,
Basil collects also under his umbrella
another figure walking up the path.
In a place where I think Sylvester
doesn't have many friends here,
and Vicar Ian certainly
doesn't have many friends here,
the two of you look and see each other
approaching the manor at the same time
walking up the garden path together.
- I say,
if it isn't the most
religious man in the country.
- That would be me.
- How are you, vicar?
It's a pleasure.
- I am doing well, I'm doing just fine,
apart from all of the, uh,
strange wickedness going on.
I'm doing the Lord's work,
this is where the Lord
would have me to go, and where I should go
to minister and speak and to speak truth
to the powerful.
- Well, if the Lord's brought you here,
I daresay it's his friend
down below who's brought me.
- Hoo, don't speak of such things!
- Forgive me, forgive me, forgive me.
Yes, I understand.
- It's not a joke, not a joke!
- I say it in jest, I don't
honestly believe that.
I don't mean to offend in any way.
- No, not a joke, not a joke.
Okay, but that's okay, that's all right,
I can be cool, I can be cool.
- As you guys walk in the front
door of the entrance hall,
you guys enter the first wing.
You see a beautiful staircase going up
into the upper stories,
a hall leading back
towards the kitchens to your right,
and this beautiful
ballroom towards your left,
the drawing room.
Bubbly conversations, servants coming out
with glasses of champagne, you see people
sort of gather around, as you say
the sort of wicked goings
on, you hear a voice.
First of all, you are
both greeted as you enter
by Squire Badger's son,
Jeremy Brockhollow,
who looks and says, "Oh, vicar,
pleasure to have you back here as well,
and I see Mr. Cross, pleasure, pleasure.
Welcome, once again, to Loam
Hall, thank you for coming."
- The pleasure is mine,
dear boy, absolutely.
- You see he smiles and
nods, and you hear a voice
to the side say, "Oh, wicked goings on!
Is that what we are discussing?"
You see a very tall,
a tall and stately elderly woman,
Lucretia Brockhollow,
the sister of the squire,
who is an aging and unmarried
sort of, you know, high
society woman, a socialite,
who comes over to you.
Like her brother, she is very
tall and imposing figure,
and everything about her
fashion is just doubling down
on taking up space, like huge fur shawl...
She is someone who, the
first time she overheard
that someone had gossiped
about her and called her
an eccentric, the only
thing she ever talked about
from that moment forward was,
"Well, you know people are calling me
an eccentric these days!"
She comes over and goes,
"Wicked things afoot,
and I shouldn't wonder.
If you watch the stars,
dear boy, you will know
that this is the return of the
exact constellatory pattern
that was in the sky when
Ignatius Cottonbottom
cursed the country of England
by opening that sarcophagus.
That very moment put a
dark spell over the land,
and the stars have
returned to their pattern.
The curse returns, I shouldn't wonder,
that there are wicked goings
on all over the countryside.
Spirits afoot, you know."
- Can I do an insight check
to see if I can tell what
her astrological sign is?
- Do it, give me an insight check.
- I knew Lars was gonna love this.
- Sure.
- Ooh, that's a 23.
- Uh-oh, wow, you're gonna nail it.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- You're gonna get the hour.
- I'm going to actually look this up,
and I'm gonna roll it
on a d12, here we go.
That's a two, the second
one on this list I found.
- Aquarius.
- Your insight tells you
that this woman is a Leo.
- I absorb that info and I just go,
oh, such a Leo.
- She says,
"Do I have a fellow student
of the stars here as well?"
- I lick her face.
- You see, by the way,
what is Lars's sign?
- Oh, Lars is a...
Let's make Lars a Cancer.
- She looks and says, "Ah!
Well, a fellow student of the stars,
and a cheeky one at that.
I can tell, of course, sergeant,
that you are yourself a Gemini."
- (gasps) You were so close!
Oh my gosh, you were freakishly close.
- Don't tell me, don't
tell me! Sagittarius!
- (gasps) Oh my gosh,
you're a bit farther,
and it makes it more fun,
you'll get there soon!
- No, no no no, those were jokes! Scorpio!
- Ah! No, no! Ah! No!
- Vicar, if this is over by tomorrow,
you and I will be quite lucky.
- She says, "Sergeant, I understand,
I'm so sorry, I didn't
realize that you yourself
were a student of these occult matters.
Tell me, my dear sergeant, have
you ever attended a seance?"
- (gasps) Never have I ever,
but I've always wanted to.
But I'm here on work. I'm here on work.
- Oh my dear-
- But if there was a seance,
maybe I could go to it.
- My dear friend,
let me assure you, I am
a medium in such manners.
You are positively surrounded by spirits,
and I'm not just saying that
to always be in control
of the conversation!
Come with me at once!
And you see she whisks
you off down the hall.
- I bound down the hall
after her, I'm so excited.
- Interesting, I'd have
called her a bit of a "large."
- What?
- Because a "medium."
- Rude!
- Sylvester, you see that one
of the, like, serving staff
walking by just goes, "Ooh!"
under his breath and
walks off down the hall.
- And I give him
a little shoulder wiggle
of acknowledgement.
- Flirty!
- That's right.
- As the party begins in earnest,
where does everyone think they are, like,
the three main areas are the dining room,
where people are sort of having
quieter, more personal conversations.
There are a lot of people
sitting down in the drawing room
with drinks near a nice sort of open fire,
and then there's also the grand ballroom
that has some people
sort of staying there,
has some like tables set
out, other things like that,
they're sort of there
temporarily, that have
some like places to write
well wishes like a guestbook.
Which of those sort of three
areas do people find themselves
drawn to as the party is just beginning
and people are sort of
saying their hellos?
- I believe Sylvester is in the ballroom
so that he doesn't have to
sit and settle in anywhere
because while he's at the party,
he doesn't want to get
trapped in any conversations
with Squire Badger, so he's
standing and staying mobile,
so he's in the ballroom.
- He's in the ballroom, perfect, perfect.
And Lars, where are you?
- I'm talking to my new favorite person,
but I do also have an eye
on where Sylvester is.
- Copy that.
Yeah, you're talking to Lucretia,
who is in love with you,
and where are Daisy and or Buckster?
- I feel like we're trying to have
little quiet conversations, I
feel like we're not somewhere
super public but we want a couple people
milling about to like scoop some info,
maybe even plant some seeds
for a nefarious caper.
- Yeah, maybe it's like,
we keep like sh**ting
kind of like eyes across
the room at each other
to see like who's meeting who.
- Yeah, yeah, exactly.
- Trying to like shake hands
with as many people as possible.
- Let me ask you, is Catherine
McCabbage here, like,
as part of, like, your husband died,
you're allowed to come to this
party, or is she not here?
- Catherine McCabbage is not here.
- Okay, great.
- But go ahead and roll an
investigation check for me.
- That would be a 17.
- You see the son and daughter
of the yet to make an appearance squire
having a whispered conversation.
I'm gonna say 17 is not high enough
to automatically get
this, but it's high enough
that I will let you make
a DC 20 perception check
to see if you can hear
what they're saying.
- Okay, cool, perception.
19.
- One short, I am afraid.
- f*ck!
- Is it possible that
I, catching Daisy's eyes
across the room, would she have indicated
this conversation to me
and can I make the same go?
- Not only that, Sam, but
you're also a mastermind rogue,
which gives you the unique ability in D&D
to give the help action as a bonus action
at a 30 foot range, so not only
can you make the same check,
you can actually allow Daisy
to make the roll with advantage.
- I will do the latter, I'll
give Daisy the advantage.
- So I roll which thing?
- Roll that perception check again.
- Okay, great. With advantage?
- You already rolled once,
so just roll a second time.
If it's higher, you'll beat it.
- Terrific. 15.
- Oh no! Sam, you can still roll!
- Now I would like to do the first thing.
- So now go ahead, Sam, and
give me a perception check.
- Perception check?
- Mm-hm.
- Oh, that's gonna be a little 25.
(all cheering)
- So Daisy, you catch by the stairwell
Jeremy and his sister Constance,
Constance Brockhollow,
having a brief conversation.
You are, I think, pinned
down in a conversation.
Who do you think Daisy would
have struck up a conversation
with here at the party?
- If there's somebody,
like, vulnerable looking,
either an older person or
a very young or sad person.
- I'll let you talk either
to the oldest person here
or what you think is the
most vulnerable person here.
- I'll talk to the oldest person.
- Cool, you are talking to a woman.
You are talking to the
Lady Eugenia Bristlebrush,
who is an old, old, old widow squirrel,
monocle, floral bag, and
she wears a full top hat
with like an acorn pattern on it.
- Aw.
- You see she looks up at
you, so you can't get away,
she's done that old woman
thing of squeezing your arm
in a way that is so strong.
You see she goes, "Ostentatious
nonsense here at Loam Hall.
Absolute fiddle faddle,
that Squire Brockhollow."
The eye contact happens as you, like...
You see she says, "All these
badgers, these Brockhollows,
arrogant, selfish, I'll tell you this.
If I could, I would m*rder everyone here.
I would m*rder all of them.
I hate all these people
and I'm not even joking,
I'm being serious,
everyone here is terrible,
including myself!"
And you see that...
- Wait, what?
- Including myself!
Blah blah blah!
- This food is ghastly!
- If we all wake up
dead tomorrow, we know who to blame.
- This food is ghastly,
it's hot and cold in this
room at the same time.
So with that 25 perception,
Buckster overhears this conversation
of Constance looking out and saying,
"Jez, I'm beginning to be worried.
Catherine still hasn't shown
up. Where is Mrs. McCabbage?"
And you see Jez says,
"Oh, Constance, I'm sorry,
I've absolutely boffed it.
We did get an RSVP back
today, she declined coming."
You see Constance says,
"She declined? No, Jeremy...
The signal that sends about
father, it paints us in a light
like people will assume we haven't invited
the widow of the man who died."
And you see, go ahead, Sam,
and make some insight checks for me.
- Ooh, that's a 14.
- 14, not great.
So they're being guarded
because they're in public.
On a 14, all you get is the
basics of who these people are.
You know that the eldest of
the two by a couple years
is Constance, who is a
very spirited, modern,
progressive young woman,
and her younger brother
Jeremy Brockhollow, who's
called Jez for short,
he is sort of a perpetual...
Playboy is not quite the right word,
but like a life of leisure, dilettante,
kind of spending daddy's
money kind of guy.
You also see next to
them by the stairwell,
kind of like helping create
a perimeter around them,
are both of their husbands.
So you see that Constance's
husband, Dr. Magpie,
is there, who's a London doctor,
and you also see Mr. Osmond Sheffield,
who is Jeremy's husband,
who is a very successful
barrister in London
and also kind of that like...
Some say being groomed for Parliament.
- What?
- But they're both doing that
sort of awkward husband thing
of like, we are brothers
in law and it's our spouses
that are the siblings, so they're like,
"So, how are things going with you?"
You know, it's kind of like,
"Good, good, things are good."
- By the way, the way
I'm remembering everybody
is just by mapping them over
"Downton Abbey" characters.
- Not a bad call.
- I wouldn't be able to, like,
approach the husbands, would I?
- Absolutely you would, they're
just kind of dicking around,
they're not doing anything.
- Yeah, I'm wondering if
I could sort of like use
a kind of charisma play to
approach them and try to, like,
get a little bit more
information out of them
with what I've just heard
from the younger siblings.
- Yes.
- So I think I sort of
waddle on up to them,
a little piece of food in my hand
from the dining room and I say,
ooh, I just heard
Catherine couldn't make it.
That is a shame. It
would've been good for PR.
- Go ahead and make a
persuasion check for me.
- That is a 24.
- Now go ahead and make
a deception check for me.
- Mm, that's a 12.
- Okay, I'm gonna make
some rolls really quickly.
You see Dr. Magpie looks up at you.
Dr. Magpie, even though he is a doctor,
has the perennial look
of a man who grew up poor
being in a wealthy manor
house, even though he's married
to an extremely wealthy
woman, he is, you know, like,
he forces his body into
the shape of an apology
to be in this nice home, just going like,
"Oh, terrible news, isn't it?
Yes, it's dreadful that
Catherine couldn't be here,
but, you know,
I imagine there's a great
deal of pain and sorrow,
so I don't imagine that she would be
in the mood for a celebration, certainly."
- Oh yes, entirely understandable,
entirely understandable.
We feel for her and
the rest of her family.
- You see that the other,
Osmond, who is a ram, by the way,
looks at you, Buckster, and says,
"I'm very sorry, I don't
believe we are acquainted.
To whom do we have the pleasure, sir?"
- My apologies.
Buckster Boyd at your
service, Buckster $ Boyd.
I am a business partner of
the great Squire Badger's
from these United States across the pond.
- You see that Dr. Magpie
raises his eyes and says,
"Well, I knew the squire's
reach was quite far,
but to think it extends
all the way to America.
I didn't know the squire's
business interests
reached that far.
You'll have to forgive me, sir,
this is my first time coming
across a genuine Yankee."
- Well, I am happy to be
your exposure to the West.
Yes, the squire's
business interests extend
all the way out to us,
all the way over and down,
down to us, down into the oil fields.
- You see that Dr. Magpie goes,
"Oh, so you work in oil.
Well, that's quite a
lucrative line of work,
I should imagine, especially
given the thrum of industry,
which I understand in the United States
is perhaps even more
gregarious than it is here."
- Gregarious is one word for it.
- Mr. Sheffield looks and says,
"If I might ask, Mr. Boyd...
Sorry, is your full last
name Dollar Sign Boyd?"
- Oh, Dollar Sign is the middle name.
It's actually Cash, or Cassius,
it's just how I spell it.
- Ah, very well.
Well, I meant to ask you,
where did you come by the rumor
that Mrs. McCabbage would not
be attending this evening?
- Well, I just assumed.
I mean, she's nowhere to be seen.
- As you say that, you see that Constance
actually steps away from her
conversation with her brother
and walks right up to you,
Buckster, to say hello.
You have never actually met
Constance before in person,
because she moved out of
Loam Hall a long time ago.
She walks up and says,
"Do I have the pleasure
of meeting Mr. Boyd?"
- Indeed, indeed.
And, Constance, am I correct?
- Yes, yes, pleasure.
And you see she goes in
for a handshake and says,
"Welcome, thank you so much for making
the long and arduous trip
all the way from Texas.
I understand that you have
offices across the state,
but you yourself live in
Dallas, is that correct?"
- That's correct, Dallas, Dallas, Texas.
I have genealogy that dates back here.
My father was in fact a Brit like you,
so he made his way across the pond,
here I am making my way back.
- You see that her
brother steps in and says,
"Well hello there, Mr. Boyd.
It's funny you mention...
Please, Jez, by the way,
pleasure to make your acquaintance."
- Jez, it's a pleasure.
- He sort of smiles and says,
"Father told us stories about growing up
alongside your father, Boarwell Boyd,
a legendary sort.
But it's wonderful to
once again have a Boyd
walking the stones of Loam Hall, welcome.
Can I get you a drink, my good man?
You look a little bit unrefreshed."
- Oh please, by all means.
I will engulf literally
whatever you put in my hand.
- He says, "Well, I've heard
of the American constitution,
but let's see it in action,"
and you see he sort of
jabs Osmond's chest.
Go ahead and give me an insight check.
- American, pig, one and the same.
Insight, 14.
- You see that he sort of
jabs Osmand in the chest
a little bit and says, "Am
I to understand, Mr. Boyd,
that you would like a glass
of wine, or would you like
to go in for a little bit
of the stronger stuff?"
You see Constance says,
"Jeremy, the party's only just beginning."
- And if it's beginning,
we'd best get into it, then!
Give me the hardest stuff you got!
- You see he looks and
raises an eyebrow and says,
"A little bit of Irish
poitín happens to be sitting
downstairs, courtesy of a friend of mine
who engages in that sort of illicit stuff.
Should be a high enough proof to satisfy
even your robust taste, Mr. Boyd."
- Ooh, well I have friends in Ireland
and they are all liquors.
- You see he goes,
"(laughs) A wit!" And you see
he slaps you on the shoulder.
Even with a 14 insight,
you're like immediately,
Jeremy is completely enamored of you.
You're like, this kid...
You're like, this kid is the
lightest touch, he's in love.
For our other friends,
so Lars is in conversation,
in the ballroom is Sylvester.
Also, where are Gangie
and Ian at this point?
So Gangie, what are you up to
at the party at this point?
- I think Gangie is not welcome inside,
being the groundskeeper, so he
is looking through the window
trying to get Buckster's attention.
- Buckster, you see a grim-faced weasel
staring in through the door windows.
(Brennan laughs)
Ian, where are you as the
party is sort of beginning?
- Father forgive me, I've...
The last round of confessions,
I forgot to give out the penance.
So I think Ian is going
around giving out everybody
the penance that he forgot.
Three Hail Marys, three
Hail Marys, fast for a week.
- I forgot to tell you, you
should be fasting for a week.
- You see, you go over.
You come across the Lord and Lady Bramble.
Lord Eustace Bramble is
a very officious cow,
and his wife, the Lady
Winnifred, is a hedgehog.
You see she looks up as you
come over with the penance
with, you know, communion.
Lord Bramble says, "My
goodness, does this...
Forgive me if this is blasphemous,
does this actually, I don't know, count?
Does this count?"
- Of course, God is
everywhere, and he's in me.
You feel him, don't you?
You feel him, sure you do.
So yes, this absolutely counts.
- You see, he eats it.
The Lady Winnifred says,
"Oh, vicar, thank you so much
for coming and giving me penance.
I was so worried,
but I didn't want to say
anything at the last mass.
You know, I must tell you,
I've been praying and praying
every day ever since
poor Mr. McCabbage died,
and I've been thinking
of you all the time.
I'm so glad that Tufting
Meadows has such a spiritual man
in these trying times.
Vicar, what should women of
good conscience and of piety
be doing in this troubled time
to invite a miracle for
these lands besotted
by licentious and ungodly people?"
- Take the lead.
Take charge. More action.
Don't stand behind any
more of these people
that have been running us into the ground
and turning us to wickedness
that you know is wrong.
- Oh, the wisdom of God's own
mercy, from your lips, sir!
I shall pray every day for
someone to take action.
(all laughing)
I shall pray and pray,
you are so wise, vicar.
I shall set myself to
prayer all night and day
to pray that someone
do something somewhere.
- No no no, you misunderstand me.
- I understand you perfectly,
you have made it crystal clear.
- Very well, I shall get
started right away, now.
You see that she goes over.
Lord Bramble looks over and says,
"As always, vicar, you will let me know
if there are any
donations that can be made
in a prayerful way."
- In a prayerful way?
- Yes, I am happy to tithe
some fraction of my estate
to make sure that it is
know that the Brambles
are in good standing with the church.
- Literally anything that
you could do would help,
especially anything in the 100 to 250...
What is this, pounds?
- Pounds, yeah.
- 250 pound range would be fantastic.
- You see he says, "Very well,
here is my prayer, father."
And he just thumbs with
his hoof 250 pounds
and stuffs into into the rope
belt of your robes, says,
"Go with God, father," and walks off.
You guys hear a little,
ding ding ding ding!
And a very smartly dressed
rat in black butler's,
sort of black butler's suit, walks in.
This is Mr. Gilfoyle, the
butler, looks in and says,
"Ahem, one and all guests
of the Right Honorable Squire
William Thornwall Brockhollow
of Loam Hall, the squire wishes
to commence the festivities.
Please adjourn yourself
to the banquet hall,
if you would be so kind."
And just as you turn to the grand ballroom
that they're going to be doing
some of the festivities in,
you guys walk off together.
As you are all heading
there, Lucretia grabs Lars,
and is like, "Oh, dear boy, this way,
my brother is going to make
a little bit of a speech,"
and you see that Lady Eugenia
looks at you and says,
"Oh, that blasted old badger
is going to talk our ears off
something terrible, I hate that old man.
I hate him, I hate everyone, I hate...
Everyone here drives me
absolutely up the tree."
But grabs your arm and
walks along with you.
Right before this happens, Sylvester,
you're kind of off in the ballroom
waiting for things to happen,
and because it's a little
sparsely attended in here,
you actually see the squire
enter to go up to his place
on the dais, but looks up across the room
and makes eye contact with you.
He goes, "Ah, very well, Sylvester Cross."
- At your service, as always.
- Yes, yes, I imagine this
would be the conclusion
of this round of services, Mr. Cross.
I trust your journey from London
was without impediment or obstacle.
- No impediments, as always, squire.
The road from London
has been paved with...
Good intentions.
- You walk up to him-
- As another famous road has been.
(match striking)
- Cool, you light your pipe and you see
that he sort of smiles and
says, "Well, Mr. Cross,"
and by the way, you do have that money
from the bank in your pocket.
- Mm.
Yes, but I'm gonna wait to give it to him
until I can really stick it to him.
- Gotcha, gotcha, gotcha.
- Really make him feel like an as*h*le.
- So you see he gets up on the dais.
The whole crowd of
people begins to come in.
The last thing I'll say,
though, is that Gangie
was at the window for Buckster.
Buckster, people start
filing into the other room.
Do you want to take a
second to talk to Gangie now
or do you want to file into
the room with everybody?
- If I can, I'll take a
second to talk to Gangie now.
- Cool, you step outside
and are on the threshold of the open door.
It is now pouring rain outside.
(thunder booming)
- Mr. Green, Mr. Green, what's the word?
What's the news? What's the has haps?
- I'm not saying nothing without my money.
- That sounds about right.
Very on brand for you, Gangly. Okay, fine.
- It's not Gangly.
- Here's your...
Can I...
- Yeah.
- Do I have on my person
whatever sum I owe Gangie?
- Yes, absolutely.
For our purposes, you're
fabulously wealthy enough
that there is not a sum of money
that it is hard for you to produce.
- Cool, I haphazardly
hand Gangie like 50% more
than he actually earned.
Consider it a tip.
- So Gangie, you look at
this big bunch of money
in your paws.
You have the names
of the collections you've
been acquiring recently
in your pocket, including
the name of the person
you went and collected
literally last night.
This is probably the
juiciest dirt you have.
Grave robbing is an incredibly lucrative
black market trade in England.
Medical schools everywhere need cadavers,
and there is no legal way to acquire them.
But you have a list of
names that you have gotten
on behalf, and here I will reveal,
illicit names of the bodies you've gotten
in direct order
from someone in Loam Hall
who at least says they are
giving you these orders
directly from the squire himself.
So you are given a sum of money.
It is up to you whether you
want to give the actual names
to Buckster at this moment or not.
- Yes.
- Cool.
Buckster, you get a short
list of robbed graves,
which, given what you are here to do,
is worth its weight in gold.
- I do appreciate this, Gangly.
You have more than
earned your share today,
more than earned your share.
- You see, as you're at the door,
Gangie, you see that
Mrs. Molesly comes by,
who's this ancient, ancient...
She is the housekeeper and
the head of the maid staff.
Huge Coke bottle glasses,
a little gray bun of hair
and a maid's outfit,
she comes over and says,
"Oh dear, Gangie, I
know you're dirty, love,
but it's pouring cats
and dogs outside, it is.
Mrs. Banks has a cup of
tea on in the kitchen.
Come inside the house
just once, you'll catch
your death of cold out here,
you'll get the pneumonia.
Please, come in."
- Thank you.
- She squeezes your arm.
Even though Gangie is a
scary guy, Mrs. Molesly
has only ever been the
sweetest in the world to you.
She comes in and says, "Get
yourself a spot of tea, love,
and there's a few scones
left with some clotted cream,
and I've kept them to
the side for you, lovey."
- Thanks.
- So Gangie, you head off into...
The other staff kind of
nod to you as you come in.
Squire Badger stands up on the dais, says,
"Friends, one and all, of Loam Hall.
You have committed the
rather inadvisable act
of attending the 60th birthday celebration
of a known bore, and a
rather dull one at that."
And you see there's a sort of polite...
(Grant laughs uproariously)
(Raph claps)
- He nods and says,
"A dark shadow hangs over Tufting Meadows
with the sad demise this last summer
of one of my very own employees,
the beloved Connor McCabbage,
and to all of our working folk
here in Tufting Meadows, we wish well,
and in these trying times
we have taken every measure
including the hiring of Sylvester Cross,
who, although he was not able to find
any foul play, did his due diligence."
You see Mr. Lawrence
Longfoot, who is a hare,
look out, and a newspaper magnate,
and kind of looks over at
you being here and says,
"But working with Mr.
Cross and Scotland Yard,
though the case may be
closed, our hearts never are,
which is why I am happy to say
that the Brockhollow Estate
will be gifting a sum in
excess of 150.000 pounds
to the Anglican Church,
and specifically to Our
Lady of Prayerful Paws."
And here this enormous
sum of money goes up,
and you see that Constance
stands up and says,
"Father, you must read the
thank you from the cardinal."
And he says, "No no, no no,
there will be no praise for me,
it is too small a sum, if any.
Please, Constance, put it away."
You see that he looks out and says,
"So we are here to celebrate, instead,
the coming of a new day
where good works may be done
in the parish and all
of our proud subjects
of the crown kept safe.
Please, drink, eat and be merry,
and enormous thanks to
the vicar, Ian Prescott,
for blessing us with his
presence here at Loam Hall."
- Yes, and if I may, while everyone,
while we have your attention
here, I would just like to say,
though I never guarantee
results in my cases,
here in front of all of
you, and you from the press,
I should like to offer my
fee back to the squire.
I was not able to produce results,
and so to you, I say, this
call is social, not business.
Your fee, sir.
- You hand it back.
Give me a persuasion check
with advantage, Mr. Cross,
'cause you're literally putting your money
where your mouth is.
- 17.
- 17.
A round of applause goes up, Sylvester.
(all clapping)
- Thank you, yes, thank you, I know.
- Can I make an intimidate
check as I walk the money
from Sylvester to him, to
add to that persuasion?
- Yeah, well actually, let's
do this as a help action.
Although, no, you already have advantage,
so you can't get double advantage,
but yeah, go ahead and give
me an intimidate check, Lars.
- Okay, that is a...
Just an 11.
- Cool.
You strut-
- I trip. Ow!
- Squire Badger is an old military soul,
he doesn't get rattled very easily,
but you see he takes it, and you see,
that 17 is high, Sylvester,
but it's not high enough
for Squire Badger.
You look over and see Lawrence Longfoot,
that newspaper magnate,
raise a glass to you,
and Squire Badger glares
at you from the dais
as you return your fee.
What I would like is this, now, actually.
Everyone here, give me a perception check.
Let me know if you roll above a 15.
- Hot damn.
- No, only a 13.
- 14.
- 23.
- Ooh!
- Woo!
- 23.
- 13.
- 13 from Sylvester, cool.
So you notice something, Buckster.
You see that Lawrence
Longfoot takes out a camera
with a bulb, and instead of taking
the thing of Squire Badger's emoluments,
Squire Badger's not a
celebrity, so he takes a photo
with Sylvester in the foreground
like raising his glass,
and Squire Badger in the background.
Also, you beat a 20,
so you also see, boom,
the glass shatters, there
is a moment of dark.
In that moment of dark,
you see that Mr. Gilfoyle,
the butler, is just kind of like gone
after that flash of light,
and you also see there's,
you know, like the light, there's a huge,
"Hooray," as Lawrence Longfoot says that.
You think you see maybe a
shape through the windows
out in the rain, but you see
that no one else noticed it.
The reason no one else notices
this is that as the light
goes off, Mrs. Molesly the
mole, the light goes off
and she (yelps) just like
bright light to a mole,
just like drops a tray.
Her head, it's like you can almost see
things going over her head.
And you see that this
beautiful Lady Calliope,
who is this beautiful
deer, you see that she has
a beautiful gown, like patron of the arts,
stately pair of antlers
coming off of her head,
leans down and says, "Oh my
dear madam, please do stand,"
and lifts up Mrs. Molesly,
who like is still out of it,
and I'll tell you this.
Grant, 13 is not high enough
to notice all the stuff
Buckster just noticed,
but it is high enough
for you to look out as someone says,
"Three cheers for the absolute class
of the Hunter of Hampstead
Street, Sylvester Cross!"
You see, "Hip hip, hooray!"
As the three cheers go up, you look over
across a crowded room,
and see Daisy D'umpstaire.
Hey, Rekha, is Daisy joining
in in the three cheers?
- Absolutely not, she's
got her arms crossed
and she's sipping her own
c*ck, and she downs it.
- Sylvester, Daisy.
- And then Sylvester downs his c*ck.
- Downing a c*ck,
too, I'll have you know,
there's ice and crap in there.
Umbrella.
- The straw, yeah.
Are we downing everything? I
just start chugging my beers.
- Ugh, Germans.
- You both down your
c*ck, make eye contact.
Who is the first to break eye contact,
if anyone, in this moment?
- I think I do, I think I
break eye contact and leave-
- It's not me, it's not me.
- [Rekha] I leave the room, yeah.
- [Brennan] You leave the room.
- Ugh.
- Brutal.
- Sylvester, you are whisked away,
way, way back, many years ago.
This is October 4th, 1905.
We return all the way
to 1893, to a younger-
- Just got chills, y'all.
- To a younger, happier Sylvester,
on the day he met Daisy D'umpstaire.
And that's all for this
episode of "Mice and m*rder"!
- Oh, no!
Oh no, he's so sad!
- I know all about it.
- It's gonna make him so sad!
- I invite you to a
locomotive, 12 years prior
to a as yet uninjured 43
year old Sylvester Cross.
You look over and see a snarling jackal.
This is the man you've been following.
He tucks a stolen diadem into his coat.
Daisy has just found her mark.
What do you want, lady?
Do I know you?
- You're about to.
- My match strikes.
- Something has thrown
Daisy off her game here.
- I think I'm in the presence of a hottie,
and I don't think she knows what to do.
- This hot and heavy tension,
caught in this moment,
is only interrupted by the noise of, blam!
Down the hallway, as
the door to Daisy's room
is kicked in and a g*nsh*t goes off, boom.
Both of you are slick enough to know
exactly whose room that was.
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09x01 - It Was a Dark and Stormy Night
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.