(dramatic music)
(dramatic mysterious music)
- Welcome to Dimension 20: Coffin Run.
How you feeling, fang g*ng?
- [All] Bleh!
- And a merry bleh to you as well.
- Tis the season to bleh.
- [Jasmine] Where we
last left our fang g*ng,
they were able to successfully
receive daddy dearest
at the train station, the
newly constructed train station
at the edge of the
small village of Fagari,
one of the first of its kind in the area
and you set it on fire.
- [Zac] It was beautiful for
a moment and now it's not.
- But you know, there's some
ephemeral beauty in that.
It was crystallized in one moment.
It'll be immortalized
in paintings forever,
just like your daring escape.
Where you were able to
take the corpse of Dracula.
Well, half alive corpse of Dracula,
stuff it unceremoniously into the back
of your stretch limousine carriage
and bring it back to the Gold Krona Inn
with a very strange group
of vampires on your heels.
Now you got some information about them,
but it seems like there
are still many questions
yet to be answered.
Now, at the Gold Krona Inn,
we see a man who at one point
was probably very handsome
and now is held together with
metal pins and Scotch tape,
sitting contemplatively in a barn
where you all decided to
stash Dracula's coffin.
Wetzel, as you look outside,
you see that the clawing hands
of night are reaching up,
inch by inch, to the zenith of the sky,
tearing to ribbons the
watercolor sort of vista
in front of you, and once again,
the city is drenched in midnight velvet.
How are you feeling?
- Good and normal.
- Having a nervous breakdown?
Yeah, he doesn't know.
He's kind of beside himself, I think,
and I think a lot of his energy
that he spends on Dracula
usually distracts him and
he doesn't have that now
so he's kind of like sitting
there, you know, like,
I guess it's the idea of like,
if you're constantly serving someone
and then they disappear,
can you actually see
that type of like abuse when
it's not... When it's empty?
You know what I mean?
Like you kind of don't notice
what's in front of you.
So yeah, I think he's just
kind of pacing back and forth
and kind of going from like high, like,
"Oh yes, no problem."
And then kind of like, "Oh."
- Give me a perception check.
- Ooh, okay.
20, not natural.
- A dirty 20.
- Yeah.
- You notice someone trying to get in
through the front of the barn.
You see a small figure
cloaked, kind of creak open
one of the swing doors and try
to tip toe past the horses.
One of the horses gives out like kind of a
(Jasmine horse snorting)
marking their passing
and this is what draws
your attention to them.
- Ooh.
Do I have time to like duck
and hide and like spy on them?
- [Jasmine] Definitely.
- Okay, cool.
- Yes, go ahead and make a stealth check.
- Ooh, 14.
- You see the figure move forward.
They don't notice you.
- Do I recognize them?
- They're small.
Now that they're closer
to you, and you see like
kind of the general
shape of their clothing
and the darkness of the stable.
- What else is in this barn?
Like, is it just the horses
and the carriage, I imagine?
Are there other things?
- Yep, just the horse, the carriage,
other things you would find
in a barn, like pitch forks,
things like that.
- Dracula's been moved to inside?
- No.
- [Carlos] He's inside the carriage.
- He's inside the carriage.
- Okay, so I think instinct
kicks in and Wetzel
climbs into the carriage to
make sure the master is safe.
And he's just like hiding out there
and he's like very, talking
very softly to Dracula,
who probably can't hear him.
Just so you know, I'm not
like here to protect you,
but just in case something
goes horribly wrong,
you're just like lucky to have me.
Who's this person here?
- [Jasmine] Yeah, roll an arcana check.
- Ooh.
19.
- You hear his voice in your mind.
He says to you,
"Wetzel, I never had a doubt in my heart."
- Can I talk to him in my mind?
- Yeah.
- Oh, okay, cool.
Oh, master, I forgive... Wait a second,
you've never had a doubt in your mind?
You had a pen in your hand
and you wrote it down.
Enough, here's the other thing too.
You casually talked about me,
which makes me think you've
had these conversations before.
Your pause does not make
me believe that you,
you were about to lie right there.
- I have no reason to lie to you, Wetzel,
when I could twist your
lithe little body into knots,
even in my weakened state.
- You're right, you're right,
I should... Wait a second,
you couldn't do that at all!
I have to concentrate right now, master.
- As you say that,
(door squeaking)
the back of the carriage door opens.
(door squeaking)
You hear a [match striking]
as the lantern comes on.
You see a dirty kind of newsy cap,
a short crop of curly hair,
a shirt that is altogether too large
stuffed into pants that
are altogether too short,
and two dirty shoes like clogs.
And you see the face of a little girl,
brown, freckled, bright
green eyes like a cat's
and mud on her face.
Who the f*ck are you?
- Who are you?
- Who are you?
- You!
- Who are you?
- You're the one.
I'm trying to have a conversation.
- [Jasmine] What are you doing here?
- I've been hanging out, being cool.
- Why are you here?
- Wait, I'm protecting the master.
- He's not the master.
- Well...
- Why would he hang out
with a loser like you?
- You've got a lot of questions.
First of all, isn't it time
for you to go to sleep somewhere?
- Oh my God.
- Shouldn't someone be watching you?
- Shouldn't someone be watching you?
- Okay, I know this trick
where I ask you a question
and then you just ask me a question.
- Oh, do you know this trick?
- [Carlos] Well, yeah, I
learned like, I read it once.
- Where did you learn it?
- You know, I picked it up on the street.
Wait a minute, hold on one second.
You, what are you doing here?
I could, it's so dangerous
for you to even be here.
- Oh really?
You think you can take me?
Do you want to fight me?
Look at your face.
It looks like somebody
already had a go at it.
- Okay, first of all, lots of
people have goes at my face.
That's not a big thing.
The other thing is I'm
not gonna fight you.
Look how tiny you are.
- Oh really?
Do you want to fight me?
'Cause I would win.
- Do I mean you wouldn't win unless you
had like some really
cool device or something
like that that could like
really hurt me or mind control.
- Oh my God, we are hat twins!
- What? Hat twins?
Oh, then he takes his hat off.
- Well then maybe there is
something cool about you,
weird ugly man.
I don't talk to strangers.
- I mean, it sounded like you opened
with talking to strangers
and then kept talking to me.
- No, you started the
conversation, didn't you?
- Did I?
- You did.
- Then I say, "Master, did
I start this conversation?"
- You did.
- Oh, okay, well, I guess I'm so sorry.
I should get outta your way.
Thanks so much for, you know,
hanging out and talking to me,
answering all my questions.
- Well, don't act like we're
friends, we're not friends.
- We're best friends, probably.
- No, not even a little bit.
I wouldn't be friends with an old man.
- You just said we were
best hat friends forever.
- Well I mean you've got some good style.
We could maybe give it a try. No!
You see her like kinda like
get angry and resolve herself.
- What are you do? What are you?
I start like stepping out.
I wanna like kind of
push them away from the-
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hands off, stranger danger!
There's a large man touching
me and I'm a small child.
- Listen kid, listen, this is a barn.
You need to just step back.
You don't know I'm
dangerous, first of all.
- Are you dangerous?
- That is a spot on impression of me.
- Ooh, I'm dangerous.
Look at me, I'm dangerous.
- You really need to stop antagonizing me.
I've had a very rough day.
- Oh really? Your day has been rough?
- [Carlos] Yeah.
- I don't give a sh*t.
- Dude, this friendship
is going in all different-
- We are not friends.
Unless you want to make a mud pie
like a little person and
put a little hat on it,
We are not friends!
- You are so strange.
And I dig that about you,
but also what are you doing here?
- Roll a persuasion or intimidation check,
whatever you think you're
kind of using here.
- Persuasion and I'm
about to get intimidating.
16.
- It's a little kid.
Well, I want to meet Dracula
and I'm his biggest fan
and he's gonna make me a vampire
and because I could protect
him and I want to talk to him
and like, you know, be friends.
- With Dracula?
(Carlos retches)
Are you kidding me?
- What, why?
- And like, he kind of just
like stretches out a little bit.
First of all, what do
you know about undead?
What do you know about Dracula?
- What, you don't want to be vampire?
I want to be a vampire.
- Listen, there's a little
thing called dues, my friend.
- [Jasmine] What is that?
- It's about a thing that you...
- Listen, if you need to
go, we are in the stable.
You do your own business.
- No, no, no, no, no,
dues is like when you're
like good at something.
- Listen, if you need to drop a deuce,
you can go do it.
- It's not a...
He's gonna freaking hate you.
- Everybody's always like,
oh, Florina, you're so cute.
I could just pinch her little cheeks
and Dracula's gonna do it
and is gonna make me vampire.
(Carlos growls)
Whoa.
- Okay, that was a little too
far, you're a little girl.
- You're little girl.
- I'm not a little girl,
you're a little girl.
- I bet you probably got
beat up in the schoolyard.
- I got beat up a lot in the
schoolyard, that doesn't mean-
- That's not cool, bullying is not cool.
I don't endorse that.
- At this point, May waltzes
in. "Wetzel, I'm hungry."
- Dues are calling.
Coming, May.
And like I'm pulling out
stuff from my jacket.
It's called a teacup pig.
(all laughing)
- Yeah, buddy.
- Yeah, you should go feed her.
You see her kind of like
trying to sidle by you
to get into the-
- Listen, you have to come with.
I can't leave you alone.
- She looks to you.
- I'm there?
- You are now.
- Okay.
- Yes, hello Grandfather,
this strange man's trying
to make me follow him.
- Sorry, I was asleep with my eyes open.
(all laughing)
- You're like Frankenstein in the corner.
- Grandpa, the strange man is
trying to take me with him.
- You're related to this monster?
- I am now.
Monster? Look at your face.
- Look at your face.
- Look at your face!
- Look at the attitude.
Oh, the pig!
- May starts like, you know, with the pig,
bites its neck and
starts like sucking at it
like it's like a slurpy.
- I have a granddaughter?
- Who are you?
- That's a poor pig.
- Oh, you gotta have much
tougher skin than that.
- I have tough skin.
Hi, hello?
- Who are you?
- [Jasmine] I am Florina.
- You're my granddaughter?
- [Jasmine] I am.
- Which one of my sons bore you?
- The cute one.
- They're all adorable.
- I have come here to seek
council of Count Dracula.
- Is she lying?
- [Jasmine] Roll an insight.
- Yeah, I'm gonna roll some insight.
- No.
- Nat 20.
- You know 100% she's lying.
- Oh, she's lying!
She's a liar.
- Grandfather, I have
traveled all this long way,
so dangerous the road to come
to you and this strange man.
- I can recognize a powerful
mind when I see one.
You are trying to dupe
us and I congratulate you
at your attempt.
What do you want with the prince of lies?
- Well, I want to talk to him
and have him turn me into vampire.
- Fantastic, half of his head is gone.
- What?
- Yes, so you may have to wait.
- He's dying?
- I would say so.
It's not great.
- [Jasmine] Does anybody know?
- Well, we all do.
- Well, maybe I can also be compensated
so that everybody else does not know.
- Listen, I commend you, okay.
You've got a gumption, you've got a moxie.
- Hold on. Is this a f*cking shakedown?
Is this, I take my hat off.
Are you trying to shake this down?
And he starts peeling of his skin.
- [Izzy] Oh, he's taking his skin off.
- Is this what you're
trying to do right now?
- Oh, well she's trying
to extort us, I get it!
- Yes!
This brilliant child trying to extort.
- Charm person.
- Yeah, what do they roll?
- Wisdom saving throw.
- Oh, she's not very wise.
- Yeah and it's no advantage
because we're not fighting.
- Four.
- Amazing.
So she thinks of us as friends.
Takes a straw and like
the pig and the straw.
- You get one blood point
'cause it's like a little tiny thing.
- It looks like a Sprite bottle
that you get at a gas station.
(all laughing)
Like a vase.
- Now, little girl,
you're gonna forget that this
conversation ever happened.
- Well, if you say so, May.
- At least until like, you know,
we're clear and gone and we
get his head put back together.
- Also, while you're at
it, just get the hat.
- We also like your hat.
- Oh, okay.
- [Izzy] Come on
She removes it and a
large coil of curly hair
just drops down to her shoulders.
- You already have a hat like this.
- Well she's adorable, we
don't need to steal her hat.
Listen, I feel like we've got
a little bit of a, you know,
I don't wanna say "Paper
Moon" situation, but.
- "Three Men and a Little Lady."
- Absolutely.
Do you have parents?
- Well, not anymore.
- What do you mean?
- Well, well...
- You've been orphanized?
You've been orphanized?
- I don't know what that means.
- Your parents have been m*rder*d?
- Well, no, Mommy left when
I was very young and then,
you know, Daddy was
k*lled by a werewolf, so
- That's so sad.
- Listen, people, I have 15 sons, okay?
I always wanted a daughter.
- What? Hold on, no, we can't just-
- We already have a baby.
- Is anyone else hungry?
- Oh my God, what is that?
- I was standing perfectly
still and made me invisible.
- This is what you become
if you are Dracula's baby.
- No, I will look like
that, not like that.
- No, you will look like me.
- Oh my God.
She like recoils in fear
and hides behind your leg.
- [Izzy] Come on.
- [Jasmine] Grandfather.
- [Izzy] Look at this.
- This man has soft head
like soft boiled egg, I hate.
- Grandfather of all grandfathers-
- And also a baby!
He's a tiny little man, aren't you?
- I am both things at once.
- Listen, listen, Florina, is it?
- [Jasmine] Yes.
- Beautiful name.
It is my grandmother's middle name.
Really?
- Probably.
(all laughing)
Listen, do you have anything
you could offer us, special skills?
How are you gonna be useful to us?
We can't just be lugging
around some dead weight
because they're cute.
- Absolutely!
- I got it.
We could give her some money
to bring back the worst people
in town, and then we could
have a little breakfast,
and once we're all fed...
We could figure it out from there.
- Little man has it.
- I'm big, I'm also big.
- You are very smart for little baby man.
- Hey, I'm older than everyone here.
- Even though your ball
looks like pig's nut sack.
Very smart man.
This is why you don't judge by looks.
- Wow.
- Very good.
- Uncomfortable to be
addressed like this by a child.
- They're the most vicious.
- Huh?
- They're the most vicious.
- Especially since you know
they're just telling it like it is.
- I just woke up and
everyone's coming at me
pretty strongly right now
and it feels as though a meal
would help me get on the
same page as everyone.
- When you say this, she
takes like a nearby crate,
puts it in the middle of
all of you, stands on it,
and she says, hi, hello,
my name's Florina.
This is what I can do
for your organization.
- I'm listening.
- Number one, I can
definitely convince people
I'm in trouble and bring you
food, because look at this.
- Amazing.
- [Izzy] Look at that face.
- [Carlos] Oh, that's pretty good.
- Sir, please come quickly.
- [Izzy] A little less twitchy.
- [Zac] Convincing.
- It's my father, he's sick.
- What wrong with your father?
- Did you study with Meisner?
- He's so sick, please, you must come.
- She's good.
- We need to follow her now.
- Number two, people don't notice me
because I'm small and I'm very poor
and so, you know, I'm
basically like invisible
and I can get into places.
I know everything all the time.
If you want information, I have it.
- She knows everything all the time.
- I have information now.
There are vampire inside
Gold Krona getting ready
throw welcome back party for Dracula.
If they find out that you
people have let him die,
they will probably rip you limb from limb.
It's the graphs that are doing it for me.
I love that she has-
- Here's your chance of survival.
- [Carlos] That's amazing.
- See how this goes down.
- It's clear.
- [Carlos] I'm a numbers man, myself.
- Goes straight down.
- So maybe we can use this little child
to distract people and we
can make good our escape
from this little village
'cause we wanna get back to the castle.
- Sounds like we are
needing to leave presently.
- [Erika] Immediately.
- I'm just like hungry is all I'm saying.
So like, whatever is cool,
but like I'm very hungry.
- Am I hired?
- I would say for the first
part, yes, absolutely.
- There will be no pay.
- It's an internship.
- Well, I'm paying my dues
so then at the end of it,
Dracula will make me vampire.
- Oh yeah.
- Absolutely.
- The best part about paying dues
is the promise that you get.
- Well, unlike you silly man,
I'm going to need you to sign here
on letter recommendation to Dracula.
- Oh, I've never signed anything before.
- I insist.
- Wow.
- From each of you.
Four letters of recommendation.
- Completely not legal at all.
- Especially from dearest May
who is so beautiful and
her opinion means the most.
You, maybe I don't need one.
You don't seem like you're
going anywhere very fast.
- I'm practicing my signature.
- You just write something down
and I'll autograph it later.
So can you go back inside and tell them,
maybe just like grab one
that he looks delicious
and bring him back here.
- So, attractive one.
- Yeah, yeah.
Maybe like, I don't know,
what are you in the mood for?
- Someone who's so hot.
That would be like a
great breakfast for me.
- Yeah, do you want like what?
Like French?
- Ooh, yes, if there's sort of
like a French laundry person.
You know the French laundry.
- We're in the mood for something French.
- Okay, so you want something French.
You want to like maybe appetizer.
You want a little bit dessert?
- Would you go halfsies
on like a redhead with me?
- Yes, I can do like a
little bit of a redhead,
but I'm gonna be honest,
I'm probably gonna not
eat it as much as you.
- Okay, all right.
- [Carlos] It goes right to his thighs.
- Yes, redheads always
go right to my thighs.
- So bring back some people
and then let them know that,
yes, Dracula is so excited
about the big party coming up
and then we're all gonna
get the hell outta here.
- Then we are going to leave.
- It's been so nice here, but
yes, we gotta hit the road.
- Okay, all right.
I will go do this thing
successfully and while I'm doing it,
I will write down my letters
of recommendation on which I
will require your three signatures.
- I love that she writes her
own letters of recommendation.
- It makes it easier for
all of us, it really does.
- I don't wanna have to
like write a whole thing
for this child, I don't know him.
- No.
- What beautiful May,
can I have my hat back?
- Yes, they may have their hat back.
I hope you learned your lesson.
- Sorry about coercing
that from you with magic.
It's just kind of-
- You did what?
- Nothing.
You'll figure it out.
- Okay.
- Bring some teacup pigs on your way back.
- You shut up.
- [Carlos] Okay.
That's fair.
(all laughing)
- So Florina runs off
to the Gold Krona Inn
to carry out your bidding.
Now the human members of our party
have enjoyed the benefits of a long rest.
How are our undead
members feeling since rest
is a nightmare-ridden
horrible affair for you?
- Oh, I could eat.
- I got a little bit, got a
little taste back in combat,
so I'm going to spend some blood points
to get some spells back.
- Oh, I knew I should've gotten something
at the train station.
- Yeah, I know, you always
got hungry and everything
and I'm like, "Do you wanna eat?"
And you're like, "No, I'm fine."
- But it's like, I also think
if I don't hit the road,
it's like everyone wants to
talk to everyone and it's like
we gotta hit the road, we
gotta get Dracula back.
- Okay, so I'm gonna do that
and then maybe heal a little bit.
- Yeah, I've used... I
believe one spell slot.
- So I spend two and I get 2d6 back.
Eight.
How we all feeling, everyone?
- I'll be good, I mean, if
we can get this, I mean,
I just want a French laundry person
and then I'm ready to hit the road.
- Okay.
I could, yeah, I could still eat.
- Florina rolled terribly.
She rolled a two, a four and an eight.
The Rick Perry dice have failed me.
This is the first time.
- Oh boy.
- Who's this Lithuanian laundry person?
What are we doing here?
- He's not exactly what I asked for, but.
- [Carlos] No.
- She comes back with four individuals.
Give me history checks.
- Everybody?
- [Jasmine] Mm-hmm.
- Dirty 20.
- 22.
- Eight.
- 16.
- With the 16 and dirty 20,
you actually recognize these individuals.
They're pretty well-known.
In fact, you may have heard
that they were coming to stay
at this inn for a local convention.
They are members of AIMS,
the Allied International Monster Slayers.
You see a beautiful woman
with her hair in Bantu knots
and a large spear.
Next to her, you see a
gentleman with like a kind of,
one of those flintlock r*fles
kind of cleaning it idly.
And in front of all of them,
you see two more individuals
in the back kind of occluded from view
'cause it is like kind of a
narrow stable that you're in.
In front of them all, you see
a woman that wears her pride
on her face like lipstick.
She has eyes like the morning sun,
but hair like a river at midnight.
It is a dark, treacherous cascade
that falls over her golden skin.
She is wearing a big frilly
top that is tucked into
a high skirt that has multiple layers
of all kinds of different fabric
kind of flowing out around her.
And she's holding the little kid Florina
by the scruff of the shirt.
- Sorry, are you?
What's your relationship
to laundry, I guess.
- Put down my granddaughter, please.
- This is your granddaughter?
- [Izzy] Yes.
- This ruffian?
- Excuse you!
- Did you just call this child a ruffian?
- That ruffian is under our protection.
- Very well.
- You're the ruffian, with the collar
and I guess I am one too.
- I was gonna say.
From the mouth of one ruffian to another.
- Well played.
- Let's not bring slurs into this.
(Jasmine laughing)
- Very well.
Didn't think it was a slur.
It was kind of just a--
The small child is in your employ?
- She's my blood.
- She's a temp.
- You ever tell a child
to go like somewhere else
to tell someone a message?
- [Carlos] Do stuff for you.
- You've never done that?
- Usually the child doesn't tell us
exactly what the plan is.
- I think I know you.
- [Izzy] What did she do?
- Who are you and why are
you here in this barn?
- Daciana Lee.
We're here for an International
Monster Slayers convention.
- Oh, a convention, yes.
- But we have no quarrel with, with you.
- Hmm.
- All right.
- Why are you, why are
chatting with your breakfast?
- It just seems like, I
don't know, I thought I was-
- This guy came in real powerful.
- You never have like,
you know, like something
like a bunch of peel and eat shrimp
where it's like a lot of work?
This feels like it's gonna be
a lot of work if we go for it.
- Totally.
- Yeah, dispatching you lot
is kind of our whole deal,
but we don't have any
issue with any of you.
- [Izzy] Sounds like you do.
- We have a treaty with your boss.
- Oh, fantastic.
- Well, that's good.
- I heard a rumor he's
not doing so well though
so that treaty might be in question.
- I heard a rumor you suck!
(Carlos hisses)
- I also heard a rumor you suck.
- You gotta really feel it.
You gotta really want the blood.
- I turned to Florina.
You're really f*cking up your first day.
- [Florina] What?
- You're messing this up.
- Florina, what did you do?
- She was scary.
- [Izzy] And?
- Well, I tried to seduce a
washer woman and bring her here.
- Seduce?
Seduce?
- I wanted to impress you and
then she created a ruckus.
I don't know.
- [Carlos] Curly, some idiots.
- I learned it from you, Mom.
- Oh, I'm so proud.
- This is, this is bad.
- Is that like when you call
your teacher Mom by accident.
- How embarrassing.
- [Carlos] If daddy
was here, he'd be like,
"Ew, that's so gross."
- Are you gonna eat the lady or no?
- I think we, well, it was
so cool talking to you.
- Yeah, he's doing fine.
He's just tired from his trip.
- The child doesn't know.
- He's been on tour.
- We literally just met her.
- I just came in to make sure you
weren't going to eat the child
'cause that would be a
bit against our treaty.
- No.
- [Carlos] A child?
- You've got an attitude problem.
- Do I?
- For sure.
Yeah, for sure.
People who sort of do this, no.
- Roll a persuasion.
- Very persuasive.
I was about to say 31.
14.
- You see a shift in her demeanor.
You're right, I'm just,
I kind of head up this
whole AIMS convention
and I've just been under a lot of stress.
There's a tenuous peace between us
and I'm very intent on keeping it
and I just saw a small kid
bumbling her way through a bar,
trying to get someone to
follow her into the dark.
- She's new, she's new.
- Understandably, we had some concerns.
- [Izzy] I appreciate that.
- You know what I would point out though?
There's these like other
vampires that I've heard
are, like, not cool.
Like if they're ever in town,
like pretty soon after we leave.
- If you don't have a treaty with them.
- Well, of course.
Would you like to retain our services?
We could.
- I don't necessarily wanna
pay for it is the thing.
I'm wondering if it's like-
- Have an intro, something like a-
- Like on spec.
- Like the first one.
- A little bit of monster hunting-
- You work on spec?
- Yes, I kinda like, yeah.
I would love to see your work,
you know, like if you like-
- You should be taking notes, okay?
- You do notice she's like scribbling
on like a scrap of parchment.
I'm already there.
- Okay, okay.
- Well, yes, if after we leave,
if you see other vampires,
I would say that these guys are a menace,
they're bad.
- Bad.
- Bad dudes.
- No, no care for civilian life.
- Are they the ones who set
the fire at the train station?
- [All] Yes!
- And you know what's crazy?
We were there and we were like-
- We were leaving.
We were leaving, to be fair.
- We were on the way out and then-
- We heard the big tube was in town.
You know, the big tube that
goes around and we were like,
- Train.
- "We wanna see that."
We wanna see the big tube.
- Roll deception.
- [Carlos] Iron horse.
- Oh, 21.
- Yeah.
- Oh, well that's horrible.
- 'Cause every now and
then there's a new big tube
and you gotta check it out and
we were of the mind of that.
- We can definitely look into it for you.
- Awesome, absolutely awesome.
- Amazing.
- Do you have any extra
people you don't like at all?
- Actually, yes.
- No way.
- Great, great.
Any of them happen to be French?
- Well, I dunno if they're French,
but this could be a kind of...
trade between us?
If we-
- You scratch our back, we scratch yours.
- We bite yours.
- Until we hit bone and then flesh,
and then we tear the organs apart.
- I mean, only if you're
into it, you know.
- Some people are, I've heard.
From the looks of you, I assume.
- I've been known to dabble
inside someone's back before.
- Who among us has not
dabbled inside someone's back?
- I put my hand inside
someone's stomach before.
- I've put my elbow inside, you know.
- We should hang out.
- There's children here.
I should probably chill.
- [Carlos] Okay, whatever.
- She's so messed up, that kid,
you probably can say
whatever and it's the same.
- Okay, there is a group of people
that are in charge of maintaining
a bridge that's by the
river that comes into town.
Apparently they're upset that
someone damaged the bridge
and now they're not
allowing anyone through.
Was kind of a pain in the a*s.
We had to go all the way around
and ford it a different way.
- Oh and because they sort
of created a road closure,
you want them to die?
- Yes.
- Cool, writing it down.
- And a bridge, you would say that is,
is that like a different type of tube?
(all laughing)
- Yes, let's go with yes.
- [Erika] Anything can be a
tube if you're real creative.
- Everything is a bunch
of shapes, sort of flat.
- Absolutely.
We really should get going,
but it was wonderful.
- What are the names of these people?
Also, are riddles involved?
- I don't believe there are any riddles.
- I'm so behind on my poetry.
- I don't remember all of their names.
One was some kind of Benjamin Strum.
He was getting everyone
all worked up about it.
- Benjamin Strum.
- [Carlos] Benjamin Strum!
- Is the bridge on our way
back home, I don't remember.
- If we are trying to
get back to our castle,
is that gonna be the
best route, the bridge?
- Probably the fastest, yes.
- Okay.
- Perfect.
- All roads lead to Castle Drac.
- We k*ll two birds with one tube.
We get rid of the road closure,
by getting rid of the Benjamin.
- And we go home, we get a
little snack for the road.
- Oh my God, let's go.
- [Erika] Okay!
- As you say this, she
removes one of the bracelets
from her wrist and she says, "A token."
- For me?
- Yes, it's a symbol
of our new struck bond.
May it give you the wisdom and
strength of the elephant it bears.
- What the hell?
- [Jasmine] You feel it as it-
- You're an inventor?
- Yeah, as it like touches your wrist,
you feel like a warmth emanate from it.
- Oh my God.
This is the most beautiful things
that anybody has ever done for me.
I'm always making things, you understand.
Nobody really cares about it,
but this is one of the most beautiful
things I've ever seen in my life.
- [Jasmine] You're a maker yourself?
- I'm very overcome. What?
- You make things?
- I'm a man of science, a
man of science, inventor.
- I am in my own way as well.
We have some builders in our group,
mostly weaponsmiths, armorsmiths.
- Where did you do your study?
Where did you study?
- Well, I learned everything
I know from my grandmother.
- What was her name?
- Her name was Raviana.
- Raviana?
She taught me the ways of our people.
- I am blessed today, thank you.
Thank you, hold on!
He gets out his bag and
he's looking for something.
Okay, not this.
- Oh, Aleksandr, you
dropped your wedding ring
on the ground.
- Hold on, hold on. What?
- [Carlos] I don't know if you know.
- Give me a second.
- Are you looking for a teacup pig?
- Mine's filling up over here.
(objects clattering)
- Okay!
- I want to give you this.
And he gives her the contraption detector.
It's one of my most prized inventions.
I love it dearly, but I
feel it should be with you.
- Sasha made like a real
connection over here.
- Yeah, I hope they're
not enemies at some point.
- Thank you.
I'm happy we could
resolve this peacefully.
- Likewise.
- Even then, it'd be kinda sexy, you know?
- I mean, it definitely would.
- I'm married.
- Oh.
- Oh, my ring.
- [Carlos] It's under your foot.
- What, no, no, never.
- Yeah, as you wear it, you
feel warmth emanate from it,
almost like the hairs on your
arm kind of raise up a little
and you do feel a magical effect.
- Spidey sense?
- Yeah.
You get a plus one to your armor class.
- Shut your head up.
- [Jasmine] While wearing this.
- Oh my Gosh.
- As well as resistance to frost damage,
or cold damage, I should say.
- Sick as hell.
- When we meet again,
may we meet as friends?
We would love to retain your services
to augment some of our weapons
if you're in the destruction
business sometime.
- I'm always in the destruction business.
- Self-destructive.
- [Carlos] Heyo!
(Izzy laughing)
- Yes.
- And this is Patrice,
Tatonka, Fang, Samir,
and you see all of them
all kind of like armed
to the nines behind her.
How's it going?
Hello, hello, hello.
Patrice, Samir, Tatonka, Fang.
- Patrice, Tatonka, Fang.
- Patrice, Tatonka, Fang, got it.
- I associate with like
an animal or something.
- Drago, How's that carriage going, Drago?
- You see him like now hitching
the demon beasts to it.
As he stirs them from their
strange like eye-open slumber,
you see like kind of frost
raised from their nostrils
and the air in the barn
suddenly becomes like thicker
and colder and you can
suddenly see your breath
as he like begins to hitch
each of them and he says,
"I am working on it."
- Those horses are so weird.
- They're like freezing.
- They are the nightmare
beasts of the dark lord.
They bear his will.
- I just thought that they were European.
- It's complicated, right?
- [Erika] Yeah!
- Parsing Europe from vampire magic.
- Sometimes I don't know
if something's just because
it's like they're weird
here or because like,
you know, it's magic.
- Yeah, I get it.
- I feel exactly the
same every single day.
- I hafta' count grains of
rice and stuff, you know,
I'm washing it and everything
whenever I try to make rice and like,
I don't know if that's like,
is that a vampire thing 'cause like.
- I think it's European.
- European.
- Grains of rice, classic European.
- Oh.
- Yes, Europe is famous for its rice.
- One time I saw baguette and
I thought it was vampire poop.
- Let's go.
- [Jasmine] Am I coming with you
even though I failed my
mission expeditiously?
- You know, I think you need
a little more experience
in the field before you can roll with us.
- But beautiful May, what
better place to get experience
is not at your beautiful slippered feet.
- Oh, they are.
- Your hair are so silky,
your shoes are so shiny.
- I gotta be honest.
I'm gonna eat that kid if we leave.
(Izzy laughing)
Is that bad?
- Like we'll be back in
the summer for anyone.
- I think that's a plus,
right, let's bring her with.
- Do you want me to eat a kid?
- No, no.
- [Carlos] I mean, maybe.
- I'm so hungry, it's a problem.
We've got to go.
- The little man is hungry!
- We'll eat when we get to the place.
- Okay, it's just like
we have food in the car.
We gotta eat the food in the
car and I wish I could wait.
- Florina, I hope you don't die.
- Well, I hope you don't
die either, Grandfather.
Please sign my recommendation letter.
- I'll sign it, I'll sign it.
- Of course.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
And you notice it is like six pages long.
Florina is so great.
Florina is so good at her job.
You should definitely make her vampire.
- S, S, S, S, S, S.
- Could I get second one on my forehead?
- Yes.
- She's still like
completely enamored with May.
- It hurts my heart to see
you go, beautiful lady.
- I go to hand-
- [Jasmine] Ew, disgusting!
- What do you mean? I
signed it and everything.
- Okay, fine, I'll let
you sign in the lower...
She does it, like, yearbook
style where she like takes
a very small corner right
here in the crack of the page.
- Wow.
- H.A.G.S!
- H.A.G.S. (Erika laughs)
- Just like here in the crack.
Not in center, in the crack of the page.
- I get it.
Oh, other hand, okay.
- Is it bad if I let
Squing just sort of naw
on my hand a little bit?
- Go for it.
- You're gonna hate it.
Hey, we hang out enough that
I'm just gonna be honest.
You're gonna hate it.
- Thank you.
- Instead of my signature,
I draw a diagram of
like under the carriage,
and if she's smart enough,
she can see that there's
a place she could hide
like under there.
I hope it helps you on your journey.
- Oh my God, Wetzel is Jeff Probst.
- What does that mean?
- Sometimes there are
secrets in "Survivor."
- Well, now you tell me.
- Okay, and you all board your carriage.
- Chugging.
- Are you sitting up top with Drago?
- I'm, yeah, so I guess I will.
- A giant sheep on your lap.
- No, I'm saving up for,
I wanna eat something that's a human.
- Yeah don't spoil your appetite.
- We can stop at the gas
station and pick somebody up.
- Hay station or whatever.
- A hay station.
- Hey Drago, how are we
doing on hay out there?
- Hay powers the carriage
because it feeds the shadow beasts.
Good souls.
- Yes, we've got a tank full of hay.
- Premium, none of that regular stuff.
- Basil.
- Top of the line, imported
straight from across the ocean.
- Time to get the master
to his ancestral soil.
- So does that mean he
was born in that room?
- You know, it's a little complicated.
- Like his mom gave birth
to him in that room?
- Give me arcana history
and history checks if you're
interested in actually
knowing what you'd, yeah.
- Ooh.
- 12.
- 19.
- You know, he never really
talks about his mother
and I never got to meet the family.
That was like a really important part
of being turned, you know.
- He didn't have a father who bought you?
- No, that's not how... We met
at a performance and stuff.
I don't know if he could
afford me, honestly.
- Okay.
- Hefty dowry.
- Wetzel, as you're thinking in your mind
of whether or not the master has mentioned
his ancestral soil, you
realize that this is the soil
of where he left his humanity behind
and embraced the darkness,
his last true homeland.
- Oh yeah, uh, you know, this is where,
I don't know if he would explain.
- You can keep it to yourself.
- Yeah, he's just gonna
keep it to himself.
- You've been in his chambers before
and you know that he does sleep deeply
within the mountain and that the mountain
that Castle Dracula sits on
is somehow sacred to him.
These Carpathian Mountains.
- Cool, cool, cool.
- The carriage pulls
off out of the stable.
Drago hops down to throw
the doors wide open,
then hops back up.
You say goodbye to AIMS, who
are kind of like having drinks
and relaxing, looking very cool and stuff
outside of the Gold Krona.
And you make your way off
into the night down the road
that they've kind of laid
out perfectly for you.
And as you are traveling,
you see the small village
of Fagari kind of begin
to fall away a bit.
You know, where there's
a thin or thickly densely
kind of populated houses,
you suddenly start to see
more farmsteads and then only
like a few sparse cottages
here and there, and before you know it,
you are surrounded by, kind
of, the Transylvanian wilds.
The earth here smells
of something ancient,
almost corpse-like, but not decaying,
if that makes sense.
It smells old, mulchy.
You can see the ground kind of around you
turn into a thick soup.
It almost reminds you of vitae, of blood.
The soil gets like kind
of clumpy and thick
and coagulates in places.
You see fairy fires off in the distance
and the road becomes a bit treacherous,
even for Drago and his
skilled driving to handle.
There are places where
it kind of falls away
into muck and mire and he
actually has to get down
and help the carriage kind of
through these rough patches
and all around you, you smell...
You smell a mingling of life,
overcome with death undying,
if that makes sense.
Where normally there would
be a beautiful cycle of life
and death here, things
come here and die forever
and that rot has sunk down
into the bones of the earth
and makes the air around you thick.
- This is the swamp where
that guy's wife left him.
- Hey, if you poke at the
little clumps of soil,
it feels kind of like Squing's head.
- I was gonna say the exact same thing.
- I poke one bit in and a bit
pops out here and I poke here
and a one pops out.
- My wife left me for a man in the swamp.
(Carlos singing)
- You sing this song to
yourselves as all of a sudden
the carriage kind of lurches to a halt
and in front of you, you
see an equally adorned,
but smaller lacquered carriage
kind of blocking the way
and one of you has to like
kind of get down off the road.
Since you're sitting
shotgun, you recognize it.
This is the carriage that
Dracula's wives usually take
on the rare occasion that
they leave the house.
- Oh.
Oh brother.
- b*tches be shopping.
- As you say this, you
see like a lantern come on
in the rider's seat, I should say,
and you recognize the face.
You see beautiful hair
falling down in curls.
She's wearing basically a nightgown.
It's like silky and thin
and flows in the wind.
She's impossibly pale, like
cold marble in the moonlight
and kind of, I don't know,
would you call her Mom?
Is she your mom?
- Oh, it's one of my mommies again.
- [Carlos] You'll never be my mommy.
- Do I know her name?
- Yeah, Zaria.
- Zaria.
- Oh hello, Squing, darling.
- Hi, hey.
Good morning.
- Good morning, how are ya?
Look at you, you look
so precious up there,
like a little man.
- I am a little man.
- Joan Rivers?
(all laughing)
- I'm friends with her,
I might be acquainted.
- What are you up to?
You're kind of in the middle
of the road, it would seem.
- Oh yeah, this is a little bit awkward.
We're kind of like blocking
each other a bit here.
- Are we blocking each other
or are you blocking us?
- Oh, you know how it is.
Well, go ahead, go ahead and go around.
- What are you, what's
up, what's going on?
- We're leaving.
- We're leaving where?
- Well, May inspired us.
She went out and she
discovered her dreams.
Is she in there, May.
May, darling.
- Wetzel, go see what's going on.
- Right away, May.
- I don't know.
- I don't know.
[All] Boop, boop.
- Oh, Wetzel, look at you.
I could just eat you right up.
- Oh, I'd let you.
- Oh, how are you, you
tasty little morsel?
- He remembered.
Doing great.
- Melissa.
- I hear Judy Garland, no?
- Oh, sure, a little.
Liza.
- Liza.
- A little bit of Liza, a
little bit of Katherine Hepburn.
- [Zac] Oh yes, yes, yes.
- You're hiding in all of them, darling.
- I'm a woman of the wild, you see.
You just can't contain me.
[Erika] Wetzel what's taking so long?
Zaria, hello!
May-May, tell me how famous are you
in the two months you've left.
I'm assuming you're leaving weeping crowds
in London and Paris.
- Well, I sure do make a lot
of people cry, that's for sure.
- Oh my God, so tell me what has happened
in the two months since you've left.
Are you a star now?
- You know, I have been doing a lot of...
...independent projects!
And I, um, y-you know...
...H-have been working on my... Uh...
Uh... Showcase reel a lot.
- [Jasmine] Your showcase
reel, what is it?
- Just like, you know.
- Lay a little something on me.
Come on, show your mama what
you've got, just a little bit,
a little taste of May.
- Please, May, please.
- No! No.
I'm gonna say, you know,
like for a thing, you know,
it's like I don't just like perform
like a monkey or something on command.
- You know what?
I completely get it.
It's like when you tell someone
you are a mad scientist,
they're like, do it, do it.
- Do a science! Do a science, right?
Well, anyway, where are you going?
- I'm leaving, I'm gonna
follow my dreams too!
You've inspired us, May.
If you can do it, we can do it.
If you could go be a starlet
of the European countries,
I can do it too.
- So there are sort of
no wives at the castle?
- No, there's absolutely none!
And let me tell you, it took
us a long time to get here.
We were waylaid by werewolves.
- You were waylaid by werewolves?
- Waylaid by werewolves.
- [Jasmine] There were many of them
and there were very angry.
- Werewolves.
Where? Which?
- Werewolves.
- Well in the forest up ahead, you know,
it's absolutely lousy
with the hairy things.
- Where werewolves?
- Werewolves were where?
- [Jasmine] What?
- Why?
- Yes and.
I've been taking classes.
Yes and... There was, and then
the moon disappeared, and-
- How did you?
- How did I get around here?
- [Izzy] A serious question.
- This was good.
- How did you get around the werewolves?
- Well, we had to k*ll
a good many of them, and let me tell ya,
that really got their knickers in a bunch.
- I would assume.
- The wives rule!
Is the Count going to be
extremely upset if he wakes up
at home and nobody is
there to be his wife?
- You know what?
Sometimes circumstances just
call for you to adjust to them,
and sometimes somebody is
supposed to be taking a big step
that they're just not
really jazzed about taking
for some reason and sometimes
circumstances will make it
so that they have to take that big step
and settle down and everything,
just like we talked about a lot of times.
- This could be perfect for you.
You are the only one.
- Are you settling down, May-May?
- I mean...
- After a big London revue?
- Yeah, you know, I just,
I thought it might be time.
You know, I can still have it all.
I can have a career and settle
down and find true love.
- Of course you can and listen,
May was so captivating!
Exhilarating.
- [Carlos] Electric, really.
- Electric, became so
famous, so fast that she,
her star rose too high,
and now she needs to take a break
and be at home with her husband.
- Just a quiet little country life.
- She is so famous that nobody
is even talking about her anywhere.
- There would be like stories about...
- Roll deception.
(Jasmine laughing)
- It's that thing of
when a very famous person
gets exhaustion.
- 14.
- And it seems like maybe
something else was going on.
- You know, and it's
oversaturation, you know.
You're doing too many things at a time.
- What was the name of that
really cool show you did?
I always forget what that is.
- Oh.
- Sixpenny Opera.
- Sixpenny Opera, oh my God, a vision!
it was amazing.
- Yeah and Phantom of the Vaudeville.
Phantom of the Vaudeville.
- Phantom of the Vaudeville.
- Well, I'll have to get tickets
and see what sad sap
has to fill your shoes.
- Absolutely.
- And they definitely don't,
it's not like a reach,
it's like you gotta go
to the big cities for it.
- New York, I'll go to New York.
It's been a long time since
I've been in New York.
- Well, nobody in this
carriage is dying quickly,
but we have to, you know, we've
got a lot of hungry people.
- Well, I kind of wanted
to see the big man himself.
- He's just so tired.
- So tired from.
- I don't know, I kind of...
Wetzel's just messing things up.
I don't know, pretty cool
if he like talked to her.
You hear that you big dummy?
Yeah, you wanna talk behind people's back?
What if I get people talking
at your stupid half face?
You like that?
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
- Wetzel, I think you were sort of saying
the wrong parts out loud.
- Oh.
- What happened to his face?
- Nothing happened to his face.
- Don't tell me he shaved?
- [Izzy] May blew it up.
- If he looks like a baby face,
like a little, a naked mole-rat.
- It's like up here, his
bottom half of his face.
- And we just gotta, I don't
know if this is forever.
- [Izzy] So embarrassed.
- More embarrassed than anything.
- Yeah, but you know, he
sends his love and support
and like is very excited that
you all are going to go pursue
your dreams, very supportive.
- Roll persuasion.
You're gonna take a minus
two because Aleksandr
has kind of gotten her
hackles up a little bit
with the low deception roll.
- 16.
- [Jasmine] Okay, okay.
- 18, minus two.
- Rolled 12, so your 16s work.
Oh, well, then I don't wanna see him.
I wanna remember him as he was,
a big man with beautiful mustache.
I hate when he shaves.
- Some sort of like,
what are those little?
[Izzy] Inchworm?
Worm caterpillars?
- Yeah, wormapillars.
- That's what that means?
People have been calling
me that for years.
- [Carlos] Wormapillar?
- A wormapillar.
- Oh, don't let them.
- I thought it was a pillar of worms.
- You look like either of those.
- Hmm, interesting.
Very interesting to put it that way.
- You look like a thumb and
the thumb is a strongest finger
on the hand and don't you let
anybody let you forget it.
- I am a thumb.
- You are a thumb.
Thumbs up to that.
- [Carlos] Oh, it's kinda
a locked in there, huh?
You need help?
- I just see myself.
- It's like Wetzel and his mirror.
- This is what a mirror is like, huh?
- You just see a reflection in it.
- I've been alive since
before they were a thing.
- Before reflection?
- You never looked in a lake?
- I looked in, I mean,
you know, a running lake.
- We have to go!
- [Carlos] We seriously do.
- Goodbye, send my love to Broadway.
- So as you turn to go,
she says, well, now May,
I'm just so proud of you.
I can't let you go without at least
a little blessing from me.
You know, I think this was for me,
but I feel like you've earned it.
- Like everywhere I go,
other people get presents.
(Izzy laughing)
- You wanna grab it from the base?
- The candle's back.
(Erika squealing)
- The candle's back in town.
- Are you kidding me?
Are you kidding me?
Are you absolutely kidding me?
- For me or...
- You recognize the seal.
- I love the D.
- Well okay, hello.
- Nothing else to say about that.
- How you holding up, buddy?
- I'm doing all right,
I'm doing all right.
- You got one and you ate it.
- What are you?
- [Izzy] Who am I?
- [Zac] Who am I.
- Now remember, the part between the lines
is optional to read aloud.
- It's so hard for me.
- [Jasmine] Between the two bars.
Do you know what I mean?
- Cheat.
- [Carlos] I won't.
- My dearest wife, my love,
I apologize for any slight that
you have felt by my absence.
I must admit that though your presence
and the presence of the other
wives brings others' joy,
it brings me none.
(reflective music)
Ever since the passing
of my wife, Christine,
I found myself completely
unable to involve myself
romantically with anyone.
I feel I have sealed off a part
of my heart and made it cold
so that I could never be hurt again.
Take care of May.
In her, I see the potential
of a thousand stars
but stars that are born
bright die quickly.
And take care of the
household in my absence
and know that I never
intended to hurt any of you.
Sincerely, Dracula.
Thank you.
- You remember him
that day in the theater
when you were on the stage
and you remember sparkle
and glint in his eyes
as he watched you weave your craft.
(reflective music)
- Thank you.
Well, since you know, you're gonna go off
and chase your dreams, I'll
take care of everything
at the old homestead for you.
- Oh, it's just a bit poetic.
You're settling down and I'm taking off.
- It can be rough out there,
but don't you ever give up
because, you know, as long
as you love something enough,
you just gotta keep at it.
- Oh, I've got no doubt in my mind.
I'm gonna be the greatest tap
dancer this side of the ocean.
Jibbity Jabbiting my way
to everybody's heart.
- Tippy tap.
- Tippedy tap.
- Tippedy tap.
- Why are you crying now?
- Oh, I'm just real happy.
- Well, give me a hug.
You were always my favorite.
I always hated those other wenches
in the back of that carriage.
- It's like, oh my God,
just clean the hair out
of the drain sometimes.
- It gets clogged in like two minutes.
Then you're up to your own
ankles in your own bath water.
It's disgusting.
- Old plumbing, it's sensitive!
All right, take care.
- Take care.
Make sure you take care of the big guy.
I've got a soft spot for him.
- Yeah, me too.
- And you feel like a
tugging in your heart
knowing that he is slowly passing away.
Wetzel, you hear it in your mind.
You hear his voice after
communing with him in the stable.
You hear his voice say, "Wetzel."
- Yes.
- If I die, your dreams die.
- Oh, master, I don't care about any.
I mean, it upsets me,
yes, but you can't die.
- [Jasmine] Do you bear no love for me?
- I, listen, this is
just, a couple things.
We go through these
things sometimes, okay?
It's a rough patch, we'll get through it.
- We're in danger, Wetzel.
The hounds, the hounds are at our heels.
My strength leaves me and when it does,
I will no longer be able to protect you.
You must make haste.
- Yeah, we're going,
we're going super fast.
- Well go faster.
- Well, I mean, we're-
- Half of my head is blown off over here.
- May's having a moment, first of all.
- Have a moment in the car.
- We're not gonna have a moment-
- Have a moment in the carriage.
- She's freaking crying out there.
- This is why our road
trips always take so long.
This is why I never take you anymore.
- When you travel with
people, it increases.
- We have to stop every five
minutes for one of you to pee.
Why don't you all go pee at the same time?
- We don't know each other's
body like that, come on.
- Well get a move on.
- We're trying, okay.
You know what?
- Wetzel, I can hear
everything you are saying.
Do you need a healing potion?
- What, no, I'm fine.
- Not for you, for the Count.
- For the Count?
They want to know if you need you
want a healing potion or something?
- No, I need you to hurry
up, I don't want a beverage.
Every time, every time,
every place we stop,
"I wanna get us snack."
"I wanna get a drink."
- Ooh, you want it right now?
- Synchronize your bladder,
synchronize your thirst.
- Part of his face grew back
the last time I gave him one,
it's not like a Dr. Pepper.
- No, he's saying he's doing really well.
- I would k*ll for a guy named Dr. Pepper.
- We have to find the human,
and we have to get to the castle.
- I mean, honestly, get
the letter out of my sight.
I'm starving.
(all laughing)
- I give my goodbyes, you know,
we peck on the cheek and I
don't know, do we wanna go?
We can go around.
- All right, you go around, May
and don't forget those
vocal warmups I taught you.
And you unlock a new ability.
(Erika screaming)
- Cackle, oh my God.
Amazing.
Disturbing Cackle.
(Erika cackling)
- Music to my ears.
And she cracks the beautiful
horses in their funeral garb
in the front of her
carriage and off she goes,
leaving poor Drago to like
kind of go off the road
and make room for her
and then get back on it.
And with that, you make
your way towards the bridge.
- So did we hear the reading of the letter
or this was just to
yourself, just to clarify.
- Yeah, the parts that you
read out loud, everybody.
- And did you say it was at one point-
- I think it was another switch.
- It was, but who was it to,
do we know who it was to?
- It was to Zaria.
- Ah, yes, yes, wow, dark.
- You come to the bridge that crosses
one of Transylvania's largest
and deepest flowing rivers.
- Oh, I don't like that, no, no.
- Oh, a bridge.
I know what a bridge is.
- It's sort of like a tube.
- They're not, it's flatter
than I would say a tube.
- Flatter than a tube.
- Yeah, I can understand
why people were hesitant
to say it's a tube.
- And you notice there is
a blockade with workers.
You also see a carriage, another carriage,
kind of like half broken
through one of the wood slats,
half hanging off.
- [Zac] Off the bridge?
- Off the bridge.
It's like partially broken.
One of the guard or
protective railings is broken
and the wheel is kind of stuck as it hangs
precariously half over this
rushing torrent of water,
but it is there.
In front you see like people
have blocked the bridge off
and you see a group of vampires
you actually probably recognize.
- Do we, from the castle or just from?
- You just know them in
passing, you know Keith.
- Oh, we know Keith.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, he's really cool.
- That guy looks like Keith.
- It's Keith and Benjamin Strum is here.
- Yeah, you see him arguing
with one of the gentlemen
that you saw working
at the railway station.
You hear their voices
kind of carry over to you.
It's like, this is where we recruit.
How are we supposed to hang
under the bridge and look cool
if the bridge is closed?
That's like our whole thing.
You see them like kind of
arguing and Benjamin says,
"Well, now, I totally see
what you're saying there
and my heart goes out to
you, it really, it does,
but you know, it's just not safe right now
and so until that carriage
gets moved, you know,
we're just gonna have to, we're
just gonna have to make due,
especially 'cause you know
the other side of the woods
gets kind of hairy this time of night
with the full moon and all, so
there's just multiple reasons
here that we kind of gotta
keep this shut down."
And you see them kind of like
begin arguing with each other.
You actually see Keith bear his fangs.
And he's one of those
that the entire forehead
gets wrinkly when he does it.
- Yes.
- Oh, things are getting heated.
I want to, before we approach,
can either of you fly?
- Maybe.
- Not you.
- [Carlos] Oh, okay.
- We've got a running water situation.
- My situation is I am so
hungry that I don't know
that I could fly.
- Are there any humans at the bridge?
- A lot of the workers
here are humans, yeah.
- Oh fantastic, union?
- Who knows?
- It tastes good to you?
- I prefer non-union.
(all laughing)
- Why? We've talked about this before.
Why? What's the big deal?
- [Izzy] Okay, hold on.
- Because scabs.
- Scabs don't taste good.
- I would say scabs taste good.
- Okay, nevermind, I've got-
- Like Cornflakes.
- I've got a diving helm
that could help you breathe underwater.
I don't know if it would
help either of you.
- I know I'm absolutely
toast if I can find-
- I could give you both flight potions.
- Oh thank you, but I
got a little something
I can use to get on the other side,
but how are we gonna get, you know?
- I just am so scared of
that, it's all I wanna say.
- Well, I could give you
the ability of flight.
- Okay.
- Just in case.
- Yes, that would be good.
- You want it, baby?
- Look, I want it baby.
- And then we k*ll all
the people on the bridge,
eat some people and we get across, no?
- But what about, you know, the Count?
- We protect him.
You want me to give him a
flight potion, the dead body?
- [Erika] How do we get him across?
- If I just get a little
something in my stomach,
I could fly.
- Let's go k*ll those people, huh?
- Can we just, yeah.
- You know, I appreciate that
we were trying to workshop,
you know, a non-violent solution, but-
- We gave it a shot, let's k*ll everybody.
- Let's k*ll everybody.
- I'm already sneaking over to find,
to like bring someone back while
we're having this conversation.
- Yeah, go ahead and roll stealth.
- [Erika] Where'd Wetzel go?
- 25.
- Yeah, you're able to
slink up and grab somebody
just as they're like striking
a deal with the vampires
to take money under the
table and let 'em through.
- Get over here.
- Listen, you wanna be quiet, buddy?
Everything's gonna be great,
just walk back with me.
Okay, I'm gonna move my right foot
and then you move your,
don't move your left,
okay, it's my right your-
- Talk him through it,
yeah, talk him through it.
- [Izzy] They're dancing.
- Don't they teach this at
first day in union school?
- Twist his neck, twist it off.
- I'm gonna have to bite him, get him.
- Yeah, I mean Wetzel is holding them,
so this isn't difficult for you.
- Awesome, well thank you for all you do.
- And you bite 'em.
Go ahead and roll and see how
many blood points you got.
- Okay, my blood drinking, it's 1d4+2.
- Sasha do you have anything like a...?
- What do you need, darling?
- Like a healing?
- [Izzy] Absolutely.
- I got four blood points.
- You need it now? Absolutely.
Okay, I'm gonna spend
a spell slot for May,
give you a healing potion.
You get 2d4 plus my intelligence
modifier or hers? Mine.
- Yours.
- [Izzy] Yeah.
- I'm pulling this guy's wallet out and-
- Eight.
- What's his deal?
- His name's Bobby Bobby.
- Crazy.
- Bobby Bobby.
Sounds like there could be a country song.
- Bobby Bobby, he's got kids.
- Oh.
That part you keep to yourself.
- Lot of stuff going on here.
A library card.
- It's good he supported the
library and now he's dead.
- He might not have kids.
He might have just put that in there.
- That's true.
- I'm gonna bet that's what he did.
- [Carlos] He just like put it in there.
- I have like a thing in
my wallet so that it will-
- He's like dead.
- How many blood points do you have?
- [Izzy] You've k*lled a person?
- I got four, so I'm gonna use the,
wait, so Armor of Shadows.
My like Mage Armor thing.
- That's always up, yeah.
- That doesn't take, okay, cool.
So I'm just gonna use three and
I have one blood point then.
And so I have Fly back
or a third level slot.
- Perfect.
- [Izzy] Feeling better?
- So much better, I mean I could eat,
I could still continue to eat.
- Well, let's say how the bridge goes.
- Yes.
- Hello, excuse me.
- Oh hey, May, how's it going?
- Good, good.
We need to get across the bridge.
- [Jasmine] We do too.
These guys aren't letting us through.
- Can we come to some sort of
arrangement to get over there?
- You wanna k*ll 'em?
Is that the big guy?
I bet you if he came out and talk to them,
they'd just leave.
- Oh, he's real pooped from his trip.
Like, you know, we can talk to him.
- We really need to get to the castle.
- Yeah, we need to go.
- He's awesome, he's better than ever.
- Awesome.
- Roll deception.
- Yeah.
- Seven.
- Yeah, it's also a seven.
- 29.
- He believes you, he's
like, oh, he's fine.
And then he like notices
how nervous these two are.
Oh, hey there, Sasha, you got a little,
you're sweating a little bit.
- It's fluid.
- [Jasmine] Oh my God, what is that face?
- It's fluid.
- We've been testing elixirs in the car.
- They are very high right now.
- Oh.
- I'm like cross faded.
- Super duper, Jedi flip
- [Jasmine] You know,
personally, oh, gotcha, gotcha.
- Drugs.
- [Izzy] Drugs.
- Drug blood, yeah,
that's my favorite kind.
Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah.
I was gonna say you could
probably just pop out
and resolve all this, but you know,
if he's like chilling or whatever, yeah.
- We'll talk to him.
Let's talk to the nice men at the bridge.
- [Izzy] Certainly.
- Sort it out.
- Benjamin's face lights
up when he sees you all.
Oh yeah, we did say we
were gonna convene later
and you know, I'm glad that we were able
to make this happen, you
know, from the train station.
- Yes, yes, yes.
Did you happen to find any extra scarves?
We were all wondering if
there happened to be extra.
- Oh yeah, I'd be more than
happy to give you a scarf
if you wanna join, you
know, our kinda labor union.
- Absolutely, after we cross the bridge,
that is exactly what we'll do.
- Oh, well, you know, I would
love to have y'all join,
but see this bridge here,
it's not safe anymore
'cause that carriage kind of
broke off half of the slats.
- I can certainly rebuild it if you need.
- Oh, well, that would solve
everything right on up.
- [Izzy] It would be my pleasure.
- You know and this is where
you have a moment here.
Roll insight to see.
- You have to sign up to
be in the union to do-
- Flash of genius.
- [Jasmine] Flash of genius, perfect.
I'm adding five.
- Can I give you my thing, my talisman?
- Well, I'm about to have a
12 plus three is 15 plus five is dirty 20.
- You know he's about to
talk about Dracula's head
being blown off with
these vampires nearby.
You get the sense he's about
to talk about the big guy.
He starts to motion towards
the carriage and he starts to,
the words start to come out of his mouth,
but you kind of catch it
before it's happening.
So he's like, "Well and you know with,
the big guy's condition being what it-"
- Can I push him off the bridge?
(all laughing)
Oopsie doopsie.
- This is a surprise attack
so you get advantage.
Go ahead and roll your melee.
- What the f*ck?
- [Jasmine] So it'll be your Dex modifier.
- Can I push him off the bridge?
- [Zac] Do it.
- Dex or Strength, whichever
one is more your bag.
- Can I have given you my talisman?
- Can I do Flash of Genius?
- Yeah, sure.
- So that's a 10 plus one.
- Plus five.
- 16.
- It's gonna come at a cost.
He does tumble over into the river,
but he takes you with him.
- Diving helm.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, you
put on your diving helm.
- We're going across the bridge.
- You see him.
And the vampires.
- Shut the f*ck up, you stupid-
Oh, so he's a vampire.
- No, he's not a vampire, he's a human.
He dives into the water before
he can let the other vampires
know but you start to see the
situation is getting tense.
- How far down is the water from us?
- It's not far at all.
You're right on the banks of the river.
You see, okay, Sasha,
give me a acrobatics,
or no athletics check
since you're swimming.
This is a very swift coursing river.
- Wait, do they still have to do that
even though they said "oopsie doopsie!"?
- [Jasmine] That's so
that it was an accident.
- Can it be acrobatics?
- Sure.
- [Izzy] You need it to be athletics.
- Athletics is gonna
determine whether or not
you can fight against the current.
- Okay, well I'm just gonna
add Flash of Genius anyway,
'cause we're not in combat.
I think I can do it
'cause it's a reaction.
- But do you have an amount
of times you can do it?
- I think in combat, it's five.
But is it still five out of combat?
- I think it probably would be.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, so you're down three,
you have two left.
- [Izzy] Oh I have two left?
- Well, if you use this,
I think you're down.
You'll be down your third one.
- I'll be down to two.
Should I do it?
I can die.
- You also have the helmet
on, so you probably.
- I have the helmet on.
- I'm going to use shadow tendrils
so it's- to go fwoof and to grab Sasha.
- Good.
- Fly on myself.
- [Jasmine] Yeah.
- Okay.
This is bad.
(all laughing)
- I didn't use Flash of Genius
because it's bad either way.
- These giant bony protrusions
sprout out of your back
and they look like young
bone, if that makes sense,
almost like a spring, yeah malleable,
a thin membrane kind of connecting them.
- Yikoes.
- [Jasmine] And you
gain the ability to fly.
- Nasty.
- These are my nasty wings, okay?
- You look like you're in black and white.
- Me, yes, I know, intentional.
- [Izzy] What do I do?
- Roll a Strength check.
- [Izzy] But I don't wanna contest it.
- Yeah, you could choose to not contest it
and just take the damage.
- Take me, Jesus.
May Wong take the wheel.
- You do get six damage.
- That's fine where I'm at.
- But then you get pulled 10 feet back.
- So you're pulled back to the bank,
but poor Benjamin Strum
is blowing down the river.
You immediately see all of
his fellow union members
go rushing after him while
his scabs stay behind.
- Go across the bridge.
- You see them go running down the banks.
You see one of them grab
a stick and be like,
"Grab on, Benjamin!"
"He has a wife and family!"
- No, we should go across
the bridge right now.
- Is there a straggler at
the back of this group?
- Yes.
- Can I like try to bite the guy?
- [Jasmine] Definitely, definitely.
- You gotta help him.
- I would also like to do that.
I would also like to have a snack.
- That's a 20 to hit.
- That hits.
- Oh yeah, I got six blood.
- I would get five blood points back.
- Nice.
- Wetzel is carrying along.
- [Izzy] Very well.
- Yeah.
- Picking up Bobby Bobby.
- Can I investigate the carriage
that's like broken through the bridge.
- [Jasmine] Yes, you can.
- See what's going.
What is the deal with this?
- Oh yeah, how we gonna get
the carriage across the bridge?
Can I give the carriage a flight potion?
- No, it's an inanimate object.
- Can the shadow beasts fly?
- [Jasmine] They could.
- They could?
- They could.
How many flight potions you got?
- As many spell slots as I have.
- It's like some f*cked up Santa Claus.
- I am like f*cked up Santa Claus!
- [Carlos] I know.
- In my country, we call him the devil.
(Jasmine laughing)
- The devil?
- The devil.
He comes every Christmas
and he gives us gifts,
which are wounds.
- This doesn't sound like-
- Pretty much sure it's the same thing.
- I feel like we're talking
about different men over here.
- [Izzy] No!
- So Jesus' birthday.
- Who's Jesus?
- [Carlos] Okay.
- [Jasmine] I think you
wanted to talk to me.
- Oh yeah, I'm just gonna investigate
the carriage, like I agree,
Sandra Claus is the devil.
- Anagram, satan and Santa.
- Squing and I are from the same place.
- Yeah, with an 11, you know you,
it looks like,
- Pangea.
it does look like this carriage
was like attacked.
There's claw marks on it and
pieces of it are like missing
as though they've been
torn away by large claws.
- And is it like it's
fallen through the floor
of the bridge?
- Yeah, it like hit one of the
guardrails and then stopped.
So the guardrails are kind of
bent outward at this angle.
And then the only thing
that's holding it still
on the bridge is one
wheel that's kind of stuck
in between like two slats
and one of them has broken.
So it's like wedged their and
it's precariously hanging off.
- I'd like to push as hard as I can
because even if I push
over, I have my Fly spell.
- Yeah, give me a Strength
check or athletics.
- Carriage off the thing, off the bridge.
- Okay, is the bridge also broken?
- It's just for that
one kind of wood piece
that's like kind of cracked in the middle.
- So our carriage couldn't get across.
- It would be possible, but
it might slow it down a bit.
- Athletics, you said?
- Strange.
- Oh, baby, 21.
- [Jasmine] 21, yes.
- This is a problem,
this is on the bridge.
- As you do this, it goes
flying off the bridge,
kind of falling with like a loud splash
into the rushing water below.
Give me a Wisdom saving
throw as you like see it
and you stand at the edge.
- Wisdom saving throw, 21.
- Yeah, you are able to kind
of hold your fear at bay
even though seeing all
of this rushing water
right underneath your feet
and knowing you can fly,
there's a moment where
your base impulse is to run
then you manage to calm yourself.
- Come on, Squing, hold it together.
Look, it's like when you're
at a theme park and the ride
you know is safe, it fills
you with dread and fear.
- I have been completely ignoring
the rushing roaring waves
on either side of us.
I'm very good at-
- You have horse blinders.
- Yeah, I am very good
at not seeing things
that I do not want to see.
- Yes, you daintily walk across.
Now, Sasha, you have clocked
that this is a bit more
difficult to traverse with the carriage.
What would you like to do?
Are these horses gonna fly or
are you gonna fix the bridge?
- Okay, let's figure
some things out, okay?
So I have...
wood carver's tools proficiency.
Do we think that's gonna cut it
or should I make the horses fly?
- No, I think with the wood carver's tools
and your knowledge of, I
think you also have Mending.
- I also have Mending, thank you.
- I think you could put this,
I definitely think you could
put this back together,
especially now that you still see,
actually let's roll to see if
they managed to save Benjamin.
You still see people kind
of like this commotion
down the river.
Keith and the other vampires,
you notice that they have
like these strange hobnail
or like boots with barbs
on the bottom almost and
they're like getting ready to go
under the bridge and hang upside down
'cause that's like their
thing that they do.
- Hey, Keith, keep being Keith.
- You know it, man.
You keep being Squing.
- Keep on Keithing on.
(Erika laughing)
- I spent two blood points
and got seven HP backed from that.
- Awesome, perfect.
- So I'm almost up to full.
- Yeah, they're still
struggling to pull Benjamin
out of the water so this
buys you enough time
to fix the bridge.
Go ahead and give me a,
actually with mending, what happened?
Like yeah, you're able
to fix it completely.
- I'm back up at full myself.
- Sasha is full like hot dad mode,
just like fixing a f*ck' bridge.
- Do you have like a tool belt?
- Absolutely.
- And the vampires do
like what all vampires do,
they all stand around.
You're like, oh, you don't
even wanna hold the ladder.
- Like all vampires do.
- Anybody wanna fix that?
- What hammer is that?
- Anytime.
This is how I build-
- Wanna reinforce that there?
- Was that a question?
- Yeah, I'm stepping on this.
- Congratulations, you know
the names of the wrench.
- This looks a little,
you're gonna wanna reinforce that.
What type of finish are
you thinking for this?
- You wanna get pushed
in the water or what?
- I do not.
- Squing goes up too, it's like.
- Making it worse.
- One of these, got it.
- Everybody's feeling very masculine.
- Just conjuring a magical light
and like holding it like this.
Oh, looks good.
- Everybody feeling very
masculine, everybody.
- I love that this is
a vampire stereotype.
- Yeah, yeah, I'd make
a coffin outta that.
That's good wood, it's good lumber.
Yeah, lumber's expensive these days.
- Vampires that are useful for absolutely.
- Never do woodworking around a vampire.
Bupkis.
- I was kind of spooked.
This is a good staking material.
It's good coffin material.
- Yeah, we'll see you around, Keith.
- That's a good mahogany.
I'll see you around, Doc.
- Do you think we should have
Keith over for like a dinner?
- I'd love to see Keith more.
- I think Keith is kind of an as*h*le.
- He then very quickly tips over the edge
like he's gonna fall over and
catches himself on the bottom
side with his strange kind of clawed boots
and hangs upside down.
- That is pretty sick.
I gotta give it to Keith there.
- His like kind of blonde mullet
like flowing as the water rushes
just a few feet below his head.
- You didn't say blonde mullet!
- Slipping out my damn chair.
(all laughing)
- [Jasmine] Is he a reference
to Kiefer Sutherland
from "Lost Boys"?
Yes, that is the hottest
vampire of all time.
- [Zac] A little earring.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, totally.
He's got like four of them
hanging down with feathers
in his hair and he's hanging
upside down from the bridge.
I was thinking diehard henchman
I like that.
- My mom f*cked one of them.
- What?
- What?
- Zoom in.
Zoom in right there.
- That's a flex!
Okay, Adventuring Party.
- Because I cast Fly and
didn't really need it,
can I just fly up to see,
like get a perception check
on like if there's anything
zooming going around?
- [Jasmine] Yes, of course.
- I'm going to take to the skies.
- [Jasmine] Take to the skies.
- Do I just roll it flat?
- No, roll it with advantage
since you do have a
good vantage point here.
- 16 with my perception.
What are we doing, are we on track?
- You see three things.
You see some kind of
commotion at the outskirts
of the village Fagari behind you.
It doesn't look great.
- That's bad.
- You see movement in
the trees ahead of you.
- Okay, also bad.
- Also doesn't look great.
And number three, you see...
...a small figure
hanging off the back of your carriage
grappling with what is clearly Dimitri.
- Florina.
- Oh God.
(all laughing)
It sucks.
Just fly down.
Hey team, look back there.
Point out that clearly Florina.
- Is it Florina?
- It is Florina and
Dimitri kind of grappling
with each other.
- Let them go at it.
- They'll tire themselves out.
- It's for someone else to handle
because I released the child.
- I'm so proud of her.
- What are you two doing?
- He's got a letter with
Grandfather's name on it
and he was holding it in front of my face
so I'm taking it from him.
- Me, Grandfather?
Well, yeah, grandfather,
Sasha, grandpapa Sasha.
And you heard Dimitri say,
I have a beast of the night.
Foul wench, you will feel my wrath.
- Wow, two fearsome creatures.
- Go at it.
- You are getting your a*s
handed to you right now.
- I am simply restraining myself.
- Kicking the sh*t out of this weird man.
- [Jasmine] I must was restrain myself.
- She had you hitting
yourself over and over again.
- She's kinda grown on me.
Maybe we don't eat this one.
- I love her.
- I have a hard time with
that, but okay, whatever.
It looks like when like a
toddler's holding a cat.
- You're like.
- Cat hates it.
- I came here to deliver a warning.
You must make haste.
I feel in the ether that
the master is becoming weak.
- We know, we know.
- Also the full power of the
full moon is almost upon us
And you must make your way
through werewolf country.
I come to bid you good tidings
and hope to ease your passing
on this darkest night.
- Can you guys imagine how fast
we would've been at the castle
if people didn't constantly tell us
we need to get to the castle quickly?
- It's like there's two types of them,
unhelpful help and help.
- [Carlos] That's what I'm saying.
- Absolutely, we're on our way.
- In which way should I help you?
- Could you push the carriage
so that we can go faster?
- Maybe you could be like
a scout, go up ahead.
Let us know if there's any danger.
- Do something actually
useful with yourself.
- [Carlos] Big bag of blood.
- Do you desire a big bag
of blood, my lord Squing?
- I feel like the scout thing
would've been pretty good.
Let's do that.
I'll get you some blood, blood buddy.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Commune with me and I shall
give you another vestige
of the dark lord's power.
Come to me.
- It's just like put my hand.
- What they doing?
- I will.
- [Carlos] What's going on here?
- Come to me.
- I'm here, I am here.
- Touch your wings with my wings
so that I may bestow upon you
a vestige of his dark power.
- [Izzy] They smell like
when you get a new piercing.
- Yeah.
- [Jasmine] You must touch
tips with me, Lord Squing.
- [Carlos] Don't play that game.
It is a slippery slope.
- We must quintessentially
touch our tips together.
- Don't touch tips, I'm just telling you.
I went to junior high with a kid
that played this game before.
- You have to play it with somebody else.
Did you play with him?
- All the time.
- [Zac] Okay.
- Is this a p*nis thing?
- What? No.
- What? No.
- [Zac] How could you get that?
- It's not like that.
- Touching tips.
- [Carlos] What's your problem?
- I touched the wing tips to Dimitri.
- I bequeath upon you,
I bequeath upon you a
small vestige of my dark
and terrible power so that
you may wreak destruction
in the manner of the tip of me.
- Wreak destruction, okay, yes, great.
- You gain 10 blood points.
- Oh.
- And you feel your noggin
get a little bit larger.
- [Zac] My noggin?
- Your noggin.
- [Izzy] That nasty head?
- [Zac] Oh no, not again.
- And you feel that in
some way your own familiar.
- Hey, oh, more cards
for Summon Lesser Demons.
- Yes, your Zarb is now
a bit more empowered.
You feel your brain kind of
grow in size as something.
- Send Zarb up there.
- Send Zarb up where?
- Make him k*ll the werewolves.
- I mean, it seems like a whole like area.
- It's a demon.
- It seems like that
would take a long time.
- We're in motion right now, right?
- Yes.
- [Izzy] Okay, great.
- So Zarb is all powered up, amazing.
Hey, Dimitri, thanks.
- [Izzy] That was very nice, Dimitri.
- I always have your back, my dark lord.
- Oh yes, well, I have yours.
- You like us, Dimitri?
- I do like you, even though
you singed my feathers
or my fur, I have
feathers now, canonically.
- Oh.
Oh, you picked up another latte.
- On his little suit he's got feathers.
- It's like glued on.
As always, very terrifying.
- Florina, did you get
your zayde a letter?
- I got my zayde a letter.
- Oh my perfect little Jewish
girl, she's Jewish now.
- And you see like Dimitri say,
things are stirring at the castle.
I must be off, but may the dark
lord's blessing go with you.
And you see him bow to like
the coffin and then make off
like kind of, he has to
like [hummingbird flapping]
- [Izzy] Thank you for your blessing.
He goes off in the night.
Florina holds a letter aloft for you.
- Do I get the candle too?
- Florina has done such a good
job of getting the letter.
That Florina maybe get a coin from zayde.
- Do I have money?
- Yeah, I would assume you have some.
- Squing is like patting his pockets.
- Absolutely, absolutely.
- [Carlos] What the hell?
- [Izzy] A tip for you.
- [Carlos] Can't just be
asking for tips out here.
- Have you ever asked for tips?
- No, but I just assume
that doing good work
is its own reward.
- Shut the f*ck up,
I'm getting the candle.
- Oh, sorry.
It means so much less
now that we all had it.
- [Jasmine] A letter
stolen from Dimitri's bag.
- In the case of my old
and untimely demise.
Should I open it?
- I don't think so.
Let me have it, and then let me eat it?
- I'll f*cking k*ll you, b*tch.
- [Carlos] My head is so large.
- It's like that.
Feel like I'm in a Sudafed commercial.
- I maintained the stamp.
- Remember the part between
the bars is optional
if you wanna read aloud.
- [Carlos] Oh, I can read backwards.
- Dearest Aleksandr, when you first,
oh, this is actually for me.
When you first came to my castle,
I found myself a perplexed
at why this strange
Eastern European man had
brought himself to my door,
flinging himself before me
begging for my tutelage.
And yet with each passing day,
I find myself more impressed with your
ingenuity, intelligence and exploits.
It brings me joy to
hear your crazed cackles
emanating from the lab in
the wee hours of the night.
And no matter what else may come to pass,
you will always have a
home in Castle Dracula,
and the lab will always be
yours for we have always
been a home for the rejected
remnants of society.
I will save you, friend.
- You remember a time
working on several experiments
and you remember seeing Dracula's shadow
just beyond the windows of the lab,
always there, always watching
and you are inspired.
- f*ck me.
- To finish one of your grand inventions,
the ability to bring
the dead back to life.
(Izzy screeching)
(Izzy cackling)
(Izzy cackling even harder)
- I fling open the casket and I dunk
another healing potion in his mouth.
- As you do, give me
an Intelligence check.
- 22.
- As you pour this healing
potion in his mouth,
you feel in your heart
a dread for you know
his power is truly beginning to wane.
And with the 22, you know
that there is one way
you could assuredly help him.
The forbidden alchemy,
using his own blood,
which is pooling and
splattered in his coffin.
With that 22, you gain a
special alchemy as well.
Now, if you ever choose to use this,
you can use it just like any
one of your unstable elixers
and I have a special
table unbeknownst to you
that I will roll from to
tell you what happens.
- Yes, b*tch.
- Now some of these are very strong,
but some of them high risk, high reward.
- He was so kind to me
when I came to Transylvania
and I always knew, what the
f*ck do you think you're doing?
- Hey man, chill out, just
let him have that moment.
- Sorry, I got distracted.
- [Carlos] No, it's okay,
just chill out, just go ahead.
- If you try and eat my candle, I swear.
- Everyone just chill out,
just finish whatever you were gonna do.
- I always knew how much I admired him,
but I did not know how much he admired me.
- Pretty cool, pretty cool,
everybody got these letters.
- You ate yours!
(Zac stuttering)
- Who's to say?
- Thank you.
- [Zac] It was basically
eaten when it got there.
- Kick a*s.
My bashert, thank you so
much, zayde thanks you.
- I would do anything for
you and that's why you
should continue to let me
come on your adventures.
- I agree.
You have passed the test.
- Are you kidding me with
this sh*t? Are you Kidding?
- And look what else I got.
The little cute baby bat's hat.
- [Zac] Wow.
- You're just racking up hats and coins.
- This is only hat for you.
- What is that?
- It's an L.
- A finger in the shape
of an L on your forehead.
- I took two Ls, I make a W.
I'm making the best of bad
situation, not like you,
but also thank you for cool tip
of hiding underneath carriage.
- I can't really spell very fast,
but I'll let it take your word or it.
- Spell fast, die hard.
Listen, I'm feeling
self-conscious about the size
of my head, can I have one of those hats?
- You can have my old hat.
(Erika laughing)
- [Erika] It's some good space work.
- [Jasmine] Like a hat
atop a batshit mountain.
- Is your face not spread out?
It's just really low and
the rest is really high.
Where's your eyes on your hat?
- If you sort of pinch the
sides, it can make it secure.
- My eyes are just a little bit higher up.
Everything else is the same
and then top of the head here.
- You can sort of mold a little.
- Push toward, it keeps that spell really.
Shot everything up, let's get going.
- As you say this,
Florina clutches your leg.
She says, zayde.
And as she does, you hear.
(wolves howling)
- [Izzy] Oh no.
- Echoing one, two, three,
four, five, maybe six
in the woods around you.
You feel the forest become a
little bit claustrophobic here.
The marshy lands have
given way to these large,
gangly, gnarled trees.
They wear their foliage
almost like a camouflage
hiding God knows what
in their twisted boughs.
The trees almost seem
to grip at your carriage
and hearing amongst the
treetops, bounding, running,
howling, you hear the
rage, no, the umbrage
of a million werewolves.
- A million?
- It sounds like it from the echoing.
- Where are the werewolves?
- What?
- What wolves?
- Where?
- Give me perception checks.
- You remind me of the wolf.
- What Wolf?
- The wolf with the howl.
- What howl?
The howl of... poopoo.
- [Erika] Poopoo?
- Remind me-
(howling)
- 12 on perception.
- Four.
- 13.
- Perception, nine.
- You don't know where they are,
but occasionally you
actually hear their feet
on the top of the carriage.
Are you still sitting shotgun?
- I assume my head can't
fit in the regular.
(all laughing)
- Jimmy Neutron.
- Cutting branches.
- You see shadows of them occasionally
(Izzy laughing)
getting tagged by every
branch along the way.
You actually smell them,
the faint smell of blood and
fur, kind of like a wet dog.
And you hear, those of
you inside the carriage,
hear their footsteps, their
paw pads shaking the carriage
as they jump from one
tree down to the carriage
onto the other one.
And just as you are trying,
Drago is doing his best
to get you out of this treacherous forest.
The moonlight is coming in
filtered between these trees,
between this canopy that is
becoming increasingly thick
and he says, we must make for the canyon.
It's the only way.
And as he says this, you hear a loud,
(creaking, then splashing)
as one of the spokes of one of the wheels
of your stretch carriage gets ripped off
with a very loud splintering sound.
- I spend a spell slot,
take a boldness potion.
- Awesome, you take your boldness potion.
- I cast Summon Lesser
Demon and I ask Sasha,
Hey, real quick, are wheels important?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- f*ck, only one.
- You summon Zarb, it
comes out of your head.
- Oh, hopefully makes my head small.
- [Jasmine] Yes, it does.
Your head comes back to
like a more normal size.
- Zarb smells worse than the wings.
- Zarb has six butt holes,
so he always smells kind of.
- That is true, we did establish that.
- We're in hell.
- Yes and as you say this,
Drago, kind of hunched over on the seat,
says it is time to bring out big g*n
and he pulls away his cloak.
And as he does, you notice
he does not have a hump,
but indeed a large ballista.
- Aleks sees this and just
turns the flame thrower on.
- Yeah, he grabs it, flips it around.
He says, take the reins.
- What?
You had that the whole time?
- Yes.
- We paid for surgeries.
What have you been doing on the weekend?
All that physical therapy
we've been paying for.
- Invisalign was very expensive.
- That's not what that meant, man!
- He flashes you a smile and
they're like, they're perfect.
- I mean, they're pretty good.
I mean, they must have worked.
We didn't even notice he was wearing them.
Invisalign, get yours today.
(all laughing)
- He takes the ballista,
mounts it onto the top
of the carriage, pulls
with all of the strength
to bring back like that
kind of where the string
or the firing mechanism.
Roll for initiative.
- [All] Woo!
- And that's where we're
gonna call today's episode.
Join us next time on
Dimension 20: Coffin Run.
- Here we go.
- They're all female werewolves?
- Yes, they're so cool.
- They want Dracula too?
- Master.
- Do we know why?
- The carriage is going to
continue to move forward.
The nat 20.
- This is great.
- May, help me.
- We're just having a good time.
- You feel it try to grab at you.
- Get outta there!
- I am having a bad time here.
- I think it's getting better.
- b*tch.
- We have no quarrel with you.
- Shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth.
Shut your mouth!
- Oh my God.
(dramatic music)
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14x03 - Let's k*ll Everybody
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.