- Hello, one and all,
And welcome back to a crown of candy!
My name is brennan lee mulligan,
These, as always, are our intrepid heroes,
Say hi, intrepid heroes!
- Hi, intrepid heroes!
- Oh!
- What did you say?
- What did, what happened?
- Nothing.
- All right, look forward to
seeing whatever just happened.
- I know what happened.
It's not worth saying.
- Last we left our intrepid heroes,
They were at the border of
candia on the sucrosi road.
It has been 20 years since
the end of the ravening w*r
Between the six kingdoms of calorum,
And since that time, it
has been 20 years of peace,
Governed over by the concordant
emperor, gustavo uvano.
Now according to the laws of the concord,
Which give equal precedence
to each of the six kingdoms,
Gustavo has to choose an heir
from a different kingdom,
Cannot choose his own biological heir,
As it must come from a different nation.
This is the compact that was signed
At the end of the great w*r
Between all of the various heads of state.
Letter arrived that
gustavo has fallen ill,
And so, king amethar rocks
And his family, the
princesses jet and ruby,
His advisor, the chancellor lapin cadbury,
His lord commander of
his forces, a knight,
Sir theobald gumbar,
And a royal ward, being kept hostage
As part of a political negotiation
With the rebel house jawbreaker,
Have all headed to comida,
The capitol of the concordant empire.
They were waylaid on their
way by a group of marauders
Wielding bacon steel weapons
and various meat crossbows,
But when they struck them down,
Their blood ran cheesy.
We find our intrepid
heroes here at the border
With their wagons, the tree
being cleared from the road,
It is still in the middle of the day.
Theobald is over at the farmhouse
Off to the side of the road,
Talking to some of the farmers.
King amethar is still very
injured and being tended to
By some of his tart guard.
Liam, you're helping to
take the tree off the road,
And ruby, you are seated in the wagon,
You still feel smooth licorice skin
Where moments before, a crossbow bolt
Had gone through your neck.
Your doublet is still soaked through
With your own lifeblood.
And you are probably seated
in one of the carriages,
Looking at the house words of house rocks,
"in sweetness there is strength" written
On the side of the carriage.
And you feel something
soggy and oozing blood
In your doublet, or something in there
That's caught a lot of blood somehow.
- I reach into the
doublet to see what it is.
- It's the swirler sisters
flyer, it's the circus flyer.
And it's been soaked
through with your own blood.
- Oh, oh!
I use prestidigitation to clean it up.
- The blood vanishes, actually
sorry, hold on one second.
- I'm in the carriage on my own!
- You, even as you begin casting it,
You see that lord cruller
steps in with lapin.
Lord cruller, with that
swashbuckler dexterity,
Reaches out and
grabs your hand, and goes,
I understand.
The door was open just a crack.
Now might be the time to start
practicing, your highness.
My apologies.
And he lets go of the royal hand.
- Practicing what?
- Discretion, your highness.
- But we're from candia!
We're—
- Yes, we're from candia.
We are from a land that
is extremely permissive
When it comes to magic.
We had a proud princess
of the bulbian church
Who was canonized and sainted,
And we had another
princess, her dear sister,
Who was given the title archmage.
Now when you travel outside of candia
In diplomatic envoy, and people ask about
The archmage lazuli rocks,
Do you know what we have all been trained
In the embassy of your
father, the king, to say?
Well, archmage is
title given as an anachronism,
A bit of ancient holdover
from times long gone.
I think you shall find
that the archmage lazuli
Was actually just a proficient alchemist,
And the marvels that she
worked on the b*ttlefield
Were a result of discoveries
That have nothing more to do with magic
Than a common potion maker in a shop.
These things must be handled carefully,
And even though everybody knows
That something is one way,
The art of politics is being able to smile
And pretend it's another.
- So i just have to lie?
And everybody else has to lie,
Even though everybody
knows what the truth is?
- Ah, you've gotten it, yes, very good.
- Yes, exactly, that's exactly right.
If you don't, if people knew what i did,
And where i got my power,
I would be dead.
- And the life that
you're living now is...
Sorry, that's rude.
- It's not worth it to die for this.
- Those people who shot you on—
- Theobald walks into
the carriage from the—
- Sorry, i thought i was with these guys.
- Yeah, you've finished
talking to the farmers,
The farmers are the one, so
you just had your revelation
About like, you don't see any steeds,
There's no meeps, or
horses, or dairy steeds,
Or anything like that
around that you would've,
So you're, you've just sort of gotten
That little question mark on the end
Of this mystery with marauders,
But you walk in and catch
This conversation in the carriage.
- Yes.
It's likely that whoever did this,
That this was obviously some
kind of coordinated attack.
Probably because of the way candia is.
- That's—
- Can we gather all the children around?
- Yes, let's get—
- I actually wanted to have
a conversation with liam.
- You walk over to liam outside,
You see the tart guard are taking the,
They're looking around,
it's a f*ck' miracle that,
I mean, truly, i wish you guys
had been behind the screen,
Because statistically,
that's an impossibility
That none of them would've died.
But the tart guard are
all being carried off
Into the wagons, and
there's sort of, i mean,
Something really scary happened,
But the fact that there wasn't a casualty
Has kind of given you guys a feeling,
I mean, the tart guard all
got to watch their royalty
Do a bunch of badass magic
And f*cking fend off 12 marauders
In the middle of the
road, after an ambush,
And no, and everyone has
survived to tell the tale.
Also, the imperial guard
are now here helping out.
You walk over,
You see, as you're chopping the tree up,
Go ahead and give me a nature check, liam.
- Sure, yeah.
- 10.
You chop something up,
and you see that there's
A little crook in the tree that opens up,
And a couple of little swirly,
They're like mint acorns,
But they were concealed
in the trunk of the tree
And kind of roll out and
sparkle on the ground.
- Ooh, can i take them?
- You see that peppermint
preston looks over and goes,
- Does he want to eat it?
I'll feed 'em to preston.
- Good boy!
Can i look for more,
are there more of them?
- These are pretty rare,
You haven't seen a seed like this,
This is like a seed that's been matured
In the heart of the tree.
You see preston begins
to run down the road,
And you see he goes,
And a blast of peppermint smoke
Just comes out of, kind of his a*s,
And he—
He just, it doesn't, it's not like,
It's not that constant, it kind of just
Comes out of his backside,
But it probably also comes
mostly out of his a*s.
And he rockets up,
Suddenly, like greatly
increasing in speed,
And goes, like,
And then goes, [mimics
exploding firework reports]
And falls and lands on
the roof of the farmhouse.
- Uh, i guess i—
- Jet, you're walking over
to liam and see this as well.
- Oh.
You are busy, go, tend to your,
To your magnificent creature.
I'll get, i'll catch you later.
- What?
- I was just gonna try and have
A little private conversation with you,
But now is not the time,
Your pig is on a roof.
- No, come with me!
He'll walk over.
Preston!
Get down!
- He looks scared, he
doesn't know how to get down.
- What just happened?
Okay, well, will you help me get him down?
- Yeah, absolutely.
I'll climb and go get the pig.
- Cool, if you want to give
me an animal handling check,
And you want to give me
An acrobatics check to get up there.
- Oh, 21.
- 21, cool.
- Nice.
- 23.
- Cool.
You get up and successfully,
You're able to talk, calm preston down.
- Can i fireman carry preston down?
- Yeah!
He's very small, but you kind of wrap him
A little bit around your—
- He's like an airplane pillow.
- Can i airplane pillow him down?
- Yeah, he's tingly to the touch,
And you feel, he kind of
feels cool to the touch,
And then he sort of wiggles
around a little bit,
It seems like he's got a lot more energy.
- Can i find out what this is,
Can i roll to see—
- Yeah!
Give me a nature check.
- All right, yeah.
- We'll call it dc 20.
- Oh yeah, 24.
Or 23.
- You remember some lore about
These, what are called heart seeds,
Which are basically like,
When a tree has a little
bit of magic in it,
Either, it's like sometimes
passing druids and rangers
Will animate a tree to fight for them,
Or they'll speak to a tree
to see if some sh*t happened,
Or do some little, you know, magical thing
Like teleport through it, or something,
There's a bunch of
spells that people can do
That use a tree.
What they do with a peppermint tree,
What ends up happening is,
That magic leaves a little bit of residue,
And it begins to form, takes
acorns and seeds of the thing,
That captures some of that residue magic,
And the tree holds on to them,
As a way of, they're almost like
Tiny little wishes or something,
But they're not something
that you could take
And name a wish on, they
don't work verbally,
They're just little
things that make something
You want to come true magically come true.
They're extremely rare.
- Cool.
- And it seems like preston
wanted to be able to fly.
- Cool!
That's a really cute wish for preston.
Are there any more of 'em?
- Yeah, i'd love—
- He ate all three of them,
And it seems like that might've
been what it took to get,
They're not very powerful wishes.
They're like, call 'em like an eighth,
He's got three eighths
of a wish in him right—
- Preston wants to fly.
I need to make that happen
a little bit more often.
When it's time to travel,
hold him out the window.
- Game statistics wise, oh, by the way,
We should also say,
As normal in dimension 20,
Our characters have all leveled up,
But ruby, jet, and liam all
actually leveled up twice,
So they're, so liam has
joined the rest of the party
At fourth level.
- Yeah!
- And our princesses
are now at third level.
Preston now has a fly speed of 40.
- Cool.
- But has to end his turn
On solid ground, so his
flight usually gives out
After a second or two.
- That makes sense.
- Yeah.
- That's cute.
- Aw, he's like a little jet!
- Yeah!
Hey, so what's up?
- Oh!
I've just been trying to
think about how to do this,
But i need your help.
- Okay.
- Okay, but i know that me coming to you
As, you know, the heir to the throne,
And you're sort of in an uncomfortable,
I mean, i think we can both agree
That your wardship is, no one
feels good about it, right?
- No, yeah.
I feel very uncomfortable all the time.
- Yeah, i know.
And i want you to know that
i'm asking for your help
Because, not in any, ignore status, okay?
'cause i don't think
you should be in prison,
So just put that, i'm
asking for your help,
And you're free to say no, is
what i'm trying to say here.
- Oh, okay, yeah, yeah, what's up?
- Okay.
I would like to ask for your
help to watch over ruby,
Because i think that,
I think that i can
protect her with my sword,
And i know that my dad can
protect her with his rage,
And i know that everyone
else can protect her,
But i think we need someone
Who has your eyes and ears.
- Okay, yeah!
I mean, preston can set
a few alarms on her,
And we know if she moves, or—
- Yeah, or just like, i don't know,
At night, maybe.
- Yeah, we can set a bunch of alarms.
Preston's really good at
that, he's a watch pig.
- Okay.
Wow—
- He's a lot of
different kinds of pigs.
- This went a lot better than
i thought, i was ready to,
I mean, just so you know,
i was going to offer myself
In debt to you.
- I mean, i have one friend.
He can't talk.
He's a pig.
I'm kind of like in the
position to offer my services.
- Okay.
- So really don't worry about it.
- Well, i am in your debt.
- Yeah, you're in my debt now.
- Cool, cool.
- You owe me,
Man, if you could find a
really cool seed out there,
I think i just found
the coolest seed ever,
And preston ate it, so i can't
press it in my book, but—
- I drop to my knee and i say,
My lord, i will find
you the greatest seed.
But first, i'm gonna go look
for a cool carnish sword.
- Okay, cool!
- Okay.
- Yeah.
- Or not sword, shield.
Okay.
- You're looking for a shield?
- Yeah.
- Oh, cool.
- But anyways.
So, thank you for that.
- Yeah, yeah, it was fun.
- But don't tell ruby,
I don't want her to feel like, you know.
- Yeah, preston's really discreet.
- Okay.
Yeah, he's pretty discreet.
- Just flew up on the roof.
But usually he's very discreet!
Isn't that right, preston?
Did you have any dreams
last night, preston?
Mm-Hmm!
I did too.
I had one where—
- Wounded king amethar, where is he at?
You obviously, you know,
Constano grissini, the
commander, is standing with you
To make sure that you are healed,
And while your tart guard
are surrounding you,
You see he looks at you and says,
Your majesty,
I am only too grateful that
your men will all survive.
If they had not, i would have
Forsworn my oath and resigned,
Laid down my spear and shield.
- I mean, we are perfectly, you know,
We can handle ourselves, but—
- Clearly you can.
I see by many of the bodies
of these marauders around here
That you unleashed payment day.
- I mean, you know.
I tell you, theobald and lapin are awful
To have to spend time with
When there's no fighting to be done,
But i'll tell you.
It's nice to see theobald
acting like his old self.
God, even cruller was in the mix.
It felt good, honestly.
Felt really, really good.
So honestly, thank you
for showing up late.
- You see he sort of
Looks heartbroken and goes,
Ah, i
suppose i will have to accept
That praise, your majesty.
If you wish to rest, we
can find accommodation
On the road through fructera,
there are imperial gatehouses
And garrisons that we can stay at,
But if you wish to simply
make as much headway
As we can to comida, we can
travel through the night,
We will have lanterns,
and there are more guards,
And your advance guard
as well, down the road.
- We should make haste.
There's no point, i'm the
only one hurting enough
To sit around, and i have
no interest in sitting.
- He nods to you and says,
Very well.
His majesty has spoken.
Imperial guard, get ready.
We are going to head out.
You see they finish
Moving the tree out of the way,
They saddle up the meeps.
These guys, you know, your
tart guard are boarded
On top of the wagons.
- Perhaps i should ride with
the imperial soldiers, father?
- I would like to, are we leaving now?
Now now?
- Unless there's any business you guys
Have here at the farmhouse,
You see the family has been freed,
You guys, you do find a carnish shield,
There is a nasty—
- What does it look like?
- It looks like,
You know, when you're making a steak,
But and you're making
it in a cast iron pan,
And some of the edge
of the steak comes off,
But it blackens so fast
that you can't see it
Against the cast iron pan,
And then the next day you're like,
What the hell is that?
Ugh, and it's like a chunk
of just blackened, oily meat.
That.
- I shall call it burnt ends.
- Chancellor, did you want to talk to—
- Yes, i would like to talk to—
- Soldiers who were suspicious?
- I,
I would.
I don't know...
It feels like, what's done
is done a little bit there,
But i can try to chat with them.
- What is, i'm so sorry,
What is the cake dude's name again?
- Oh, lord cruller.
- Lord cruller, do you have an opinion on,
Is there anything that can be done?
- I mean, i think, look.
This is, i think we can all agree,
Let's get in the carriage,
'cause they want us to go right now.
And anything that we're going to do
Doesn't have to happen—
- You guys, i found a seed,
I gave it to my pig, and he could fly!
It was so cool!
- It was really cool, he
got stuck on the roof!
- Shut up!
- Don't talk to my sister like that!
I'm going to ride with the imperial force!
- Let's get in the carriage.
- I sing in twin speak to ruby,
- You see that, so you
guys have to kind of pack up
Because five of the tart guard are injured
And are in one of the wagons now.
So lord cruller gets, is
now in there with you.
Poncival has moved to another wagon,
So this wagon is lapin,
king amethar, ruby,
If you're outside with
the guards, that's okay.
Theobald, liam, you're in here as well,
And lord cruller and his
wife, the lady donetta
Are both in here.
- Lord cruller and his wife?
- His wife, the lady donetta's here,
She was in the third carriage.
She looks pretty rattled, but
she's got a giant donut head,
It's like a swirled kind
of like a cruller head.
You see that your, your
sort of servants and stuff
Are a little bit scared to
keep walking on the road.
You see that limon goes,
Well, i can't
believe we survived that,
I thought we were all
dead for sure.
- All thanks to you, limon.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Honestly, limon, people
jumping on your head
Was important.
- Well—
- Honestly, a part of it.
- I always
knew it was good for people
To step all over me!
- Hey limon, before we go,
Will you go chase master
dippins out of that tree?
- All
right, master dippins,
We've gotta go!
And you see
that he puts his halberd up
And shakes it in the tree.
And you see that master dippins falls out,
With just peppermint apples,
his pockets full of them,
And he goes,
All right, well,
I was staying up there to make sure
That everything was all right.
Sometimes people come back
to the scene of the crime.
- Oh.
- All those people we k*lled.
- Yep.
- Would come back to the scene of the—
Back from the dead!
And he does
a backwards somersault,
And goes into one of the carriages.
- To leave a weird thing that you've said
In a backwards somersault is amazing.
- I take note.
- It was cool.
Back from the dead.
- You guys head out, so jet,
You go to walk outside.
You see, the tart guard all kind of look—
- Yeah, princess jet—
- I had a moment with
someone on the b*ttlefield,
And i thought maybe we might like to walk
Next to each other.
Hi, lord criscolioni.
- What, oh.
Your highness, i am
not a lord of any sort,
I am a low born—
- Well, you fight like a lord.
- He's not though!
So princess jet, if you would.
- Excuse me, princess jet, i would—
- Yes!
- Your highness, please,
join us for, we're—
- King amethar, if she comes,
It's because i yelled for
her first, just to be clear.
- Hey theo, i'm here.
Don't worry, i came right away.
- You see constano
Looks up at you and says,
Just for the time being,
I shall walk on the road.
Perhaps when the sun gets
a little lower in the sky,
I will take the reins of
these candian meep here,
If you wish to talk battle strategy
And the heroics of the
princesses of candia,
Which are, of course, legendary.
- Yeah, well, after today,
i agree, yes, you're right.
You know what?
I'll brush the meep,
Until you're ready.
- He's trying to—
- I'm gonna have to insist—
- I say in twinspeak,
They're gonna keep doing this,
Until you come in here, please.
I'm a prisoner for some reason!
- What are you singing?
- My thing.
- My sister calls,
And so i'll see you later,
When we can, you know,
rein the meep together.
As it were.
- God.
- You see—
- What happened to the avocado?
Forgotten so soon!
- I come in and i'm like,
Ruby, i was trying to f*cking spy on them
So that i can make sure
that they're not mad at you!
- Can we have a
conversation that is very—
- Do i also think he's hot?
Is there something swelteringly sexy
About the fact that i'm
trying to spy on someone—
- Everyone needs to learn a
little self preservation, here.
- Well put.
- That's your, we don't
need self preservation.
- I think i lean over,
And i'm like,
Do you speak ceresian?
- No, but i can pretend to.
- Okay, well, i actually do,
If you need my help.
- Oh!
- Liam—
- That is smart.
- Did you
have any dreams last night?
- Last night?
- I did have a dream, but i had—
- Before the battle—
- Liam, you had a really good idea,
And then you followed up,
just the first idea was great!
- I don't get to have, you
know, that's all business.
I just like to have a
pleasure conversation.
- So i've never been
with an avocado before,
But in my dreams—
- Lord cruller goes, all right.
- Yes, liam, fantastic idea.
If you were to ride outside
and listen in on them,
That would be fantastic.
They wouldn't even,
they wouldn't expect you
To be able to speak ceresian at all.
- Ah yeah, maybe after
we have a conversation
About what dreams we all had.
- I—
- Did you have any dreams, lapin?
- We're all going to die.
Unless you listen to me right now.
- A heavy dream.
- Lord cruller goes over and says,
I think it might be an overstatement
That we are all going to die.
Let's talk about—
- I think we are all
going to die if we don't—
- Lapin, as a friend,
That is a condition you may
be experiencing as true,
But it might say more about
you than the situation.
- I think—
- Oh sh*t, you got put
in your place by a cake.
- I, okay.
- You see—
- They're not gonna
k*ll me, i'm a princess.
- Well, that is true that they—
- They shot you with an arrow!
- I put my body on top
of your lifeless body,
Your mortality has never
been more real to me, okay?
I am going to go out there
And possibly flirt with a handsome enemy—
- Why are you siding with them?
- Princess jet, they
would have k*lled you too,
If you were outside of the wagon.
- My dream had a big tree.
- Could i just say one
to two specific things
Before we move on?
- You see he says,
I think the children are addled
by their exploits in battle,
And i think that's all right.
What we need to discuss,
we have two issues at hand.
Number one, we were just
attacked in an obvious,
I will say it,
That was not bandits, that
was an assassination attempt
On your father, the king.
What i will say as well is this.
Your highness,
You will not be k*lled
for casting a spell,
All of the people who saw the
spell are low born soldiers.
Their word against the
word of candian nobility,
They will not threaten the concord
For the word of some low born soldiers.
Death is not on the line.
But there are other terrible
things that can happen to you,
Short of death.
Would you consider it a life worth living
If, say, the story comes
from these low born soldiers
That perhaps, one of
the princesses of candia
Was dabbling in witchcraft,
Things not of the bulb,
And her holiness, the heirophant
rex of the bulbian church
Were to take an interest in this matter,
And decide that it would be best
If the younger non-Heir princess of candia
Were to be compelled to
serve in a monastery, and—
- Oh, guess what the
heir princess would do
If they did that?
- Leave the concord?
- f*ck yeah.
- We're all going—
- Why are we letting
them tell us what to—
- I slam payment day into the carriage.
Nobody likes where we are!
Which means, we need to be together.
The space we are in is
not of our choosing.
The people we are with is.
Stop fighting!
Start listening!
Then i pass out.
- You just f*ck' sleep!
You see that immediately,
The lady donettta looks over and goes,
I shall tend to his majesty,
And begins to tend to
his majesty's wounds.
You see that lord cruller looks bashful,
In the wake of what the king has said.
He looks up at the two of you and says,
You have lived both of your lives
As some of the most prodigious, brilliant,
Remarkable young women
That the world of calorum has ever seen.
And you have been surrounded on all sides
By people who love and cherish you,
And your father.
Your mother as well.
I tell this to you now,
Before you were born,
The world was not as gentle as it is now.
And it can become ungentle again,
If we are less than prudent.
- I just don't understand why
This thing that i can do,
That helps other people,
Is so bad.
I mean, if—
- It's not—
- It's not bad.
- If the bulb created us,
He also gave me these powers, right?
- It's not from the bulb.
Right?
- That's correct.
- You know, the carnish
people are polytheistic,
Perhaps, i'm saying there are,
Is more than one power,
other than the bulb.
- You see cruller says,
We're not talking about
theology, your highnesses,
We're talking about politics.
At now, the,
If you travel to the
city of carn, as i have,
And you see the realm
that has been built there
By the meatlanders,
Great statues to the
beasts of the meatlands,
The great cow, the great
hen, the great boar.
These spirits exist there.
However, the warlord of the
beef clans, basha myaso,
Who's coming to comida
for the grand tournament,
He has sworn on the book of
leaves that he is a bulbian.
The reason he has done that
Is because no oath of the
concord can be considered binding
If that person is not bulbian.
Now, is basha myaso
actually a devout bulbian?
I sincerely doubt it, but
as we've covered before,
Sometimes everybody has to say a thing,
Even though we all know it's not true.
- With all due respect, i understand
That that is the reality of politics now,
But since we are about to
be the future of politics,
I think it is important
that we sometimes question
When the reality of
politics could be better.
- Wiser words never spoken.
And—
- With that being said,
I'll shut the heck up.
- I think that asking these questions
Once you have secured power
Is a wonderful time to
ask these questions.
- So i'm just in trouble.
- Well, we don't know,
But let's talk about what our options are.
- Preston's butt got freezer burn.
- Ruby, do you know
anything for freezer burn?
- I'm not allowed to!
- Sorry, sorry, sorry, sorry!
I just wanted to, i'm just curious!
- I would ask, just to
be clear that we had
A bit of a conversation
before all of this started,
And i think i proved
to you my motivations.
So i would ask that we not
talk about that as well.
- I gave you my word on battle.
- Sorry i broke your teacup.
- I don't know what you're talking about.
I've never had a teacup.
- Well, i know, i just wanted
to say that really quick—
- I throw just a piece of cheese—
- Can i see if he hates me?
I feel like he hates me.
- Give me an insight check!
- Four.
- He hates you.
You see cruller looks over at this thing
That is like, happened in front of him
That he doesn't know about and says,
Did i miss something when i
was in the other carriage?
- They're making things up.
- Why would you, i wasn't even—
- Go ahead and give me a—
- Secrets, and you
threw me under the cart.
- Go ahead and give me a
deception check real quick.
- 14.
- Okay.
You see that lord cruller
looks over and says,
All right, none of my business.
What is theo thinking,
'cause theo was in the wagon
When the stuff about the
sugar plum fairy occurred.
- Theo's just kind of trying
to keep his mouth shut,
Is there any, there's, are we moving yet?
- You are moving in the
carriages, there's noise—
- We are moving in the carriages.
- People can't hear you outside.
- As everybody's kind of
fighting with each other,
Going back and forth, i
think i would like to take,
Go up to ruby and be like,
Ruby, perhaps you'd like some fresh air,
And this time i'll make sure
No one gets shot through the neck.
- Yes, i would rather not sit in
This stupid carriage any longer.
- Jet, if you'd like to come too?
- Oh yeah!
- I'd love to come.
- Yeah, can i bring liam?
- Yeah, can liam come?
- Liam didn't finish telling me
How big the tree in his dream was,
And i feel like that was
a bit of a cliffhanger.
- It was like four arms' worth.
- Can i make an insight check
To see if i think liam
thinks that i hate him?
- Yeah, go for it.
- Nine.
- Liam thinks that you love him.
You think this kid thinks
that you're obsessed with him.
- Maybe i should talk
to my buddy over here.
- I would
rather go with you guys.
- I actually—
- It sounds pretty important.
- Liam's coming with us!
- Ruby has declared, and right now,
We all need to worry about ruby's safety,
That's what we're all
agreeing about, okay?
- Oh!
- So, you guys continue
away from the farm,
Down the sucrosi road.
You step out and start
walking alongside them.
The imperial guard kind of nods to you,
It's getting later in the day,
But you're entering more populated areas,
And it's a little bit less scary,
You see more imperial guards showing,
You meet up with your advance guard,
And also now it's the 30 of your guards,
Minus the five that were wounded,
Plus another 40 imperial guards,
So it's gone from being like,
Oh, we're a little stretched out,
To being like, we're on this main highway,
And speaking of main highway,
You leave the borders of
candia for the first time.
And you join the glucian road in fructera!
- Wow!
- Which is ver—
- Oh, it's changing.
- Ooh!
- Sick!
- As you travel to fructera,
You see there's orchards
of fruit around here,
Beautiful rolling melon hills,
Everything here smells like sweet,
But in kind of a
different way than candia.
Candia smells maybe sweeter than here,
But candia is crisp and bright
and magical and strange,
This is like a deep, earthy sweetness,
There's something
sensual about this place.
- I know this is where i'd meet my love.
- Something so wrong about
this sweetness that's healthy.
- Yeah, theobald, you
take the princess and liam
Off to the side of the road,
and you guys are walking
Through these beautiful fruit orchards
Along the caravan.
- All right.
As we're within earshot
of everyone, i'm like,
All right, let's talk
about the way we travel.
We're not gonna be doing flip
flippity flips on top of the,
Okay, under no circumstances
Are you to stop studying magic.
- I—
- Don't?
- Thank you for saying that!
- We need to keep it quiet!
Liam, i wasn't expecting you
to be sort of in on this,
But you seem like a solid dude.
- It's an honor to be included.
- So, you're in this.
- It's an honor to have you here.
- And you are, you're a
ward of the rocks family.
- I don't understand how your
family all likes each other,
I've never experienced this.
My brothers hate me!
- That's sad.
- Yeah, all of 'em.
- Your brothers are kind of turds.
- Thank you for saying that.
- Yes!
- Wow.
- But i was once a ward
too, i was a ward—
- What?
- Really?
- For your aunt lazuli.
- Why are you cool now?
- I knew i liked you.
- I've always been cool!
All of us are cool!
- You're my favorite person.
- Thank you!
You're, you're so—
- I want you to have this.
And i hand you three seeds,
I think they're candy canes.
- Can i actually take a little food
And try and entice sprinkle
to come hang out with me?
Alongside me?
- Give me a persuasion check.
Or no, give me animal handling, sorry.
- Animal handling?
- Oh no, persuasion, it's a familiar.
- Persuasion, okay.
Yes, noble creature, be mine.
- Sort of inchworms up
your leg and up your torso.
Takes some of the fruit.
You see that sprinkle is
a full, solid sprinkle.
No mouth, eyes, or organs
of any visible sort,
And the noise that sprinkle makes
Appears to come from
maybe a hollow chamber
Inside of sprinkle.
- That's so scary!
- Terrifying—
- He's bugged?
- You see that—
- Is he a bluetooth speaker?
- I'm not great at magic, okay?
This is what i can do.
- You see sprinkle's just mashing
the long end of its head—
- Look at him, no mercy,
no room for mercy!
- You see sprinkle reverses,
And appears to be able to switch which end
Is his head or butt.
- We're working on that.
- Flexible in battle.
- We're working on head-Butt knowledge.
But i learned how to animate sprinkle
From your aunt lazuli.
- Lazuli?
- Yes.
Listen.
- I saw her!
- I overheard you saying
something about that.
- When i died!
I think.
- Okay.
I'm going to drop some crazy things on you
That i thought maybe i would
be able to kind of like,
Leave crumb-By-Crumb, but listen,
Your aunt lazuli, she was
doing some arcane research,
She dreams of the same
world that you dream of,
Where we can just be open with magic.
Yes, dreams, liam, dreams.
- I know, i know.
- And she discovered arcane secrets,
Ways for us to be more
powerful, live forever,
She would, if she were still here,
We would be so much
further than we are now,
We are living in the dark ages.
- And rococoa supported
her on this, right?
- Of course, all of the rocks sisters,
Candia, all of these people
Are more open minded than you think,
We know that there's more
than the bulb out there.
Towards the end of her life,
you know your aunt died
Sacrificing herself in battle.
I was there on that day.
She called down, a
downpour of arcane arrows,
Took out battalions of enemy forces,
And we lost no one but her,
she saved all of our lives.
And before she dismissed me,
Before she saved my life,
She said, and i didn't
know what she was doing,
But she said she needed to do this
To save our people and save our world.
And i mean, the battle was instrumental,
But it seemed like a minor thing
For a powerful archmage
to sacrifice herself,
But she would sometimes
have visions of the future,
And i think she might have
known you were coming,
If that makes sense,
And she saw some kind of timeline, i...
You seeing her when you died,
You being able to do this magic,
Her saying, she was,
I mean, she was not your saint citrina,
It is not, it was not—
- Why haven't you told
us any of this stuff?
- Because this is the type of knowledge
That gets you shot through the neck.
But seeing as that's already happened—
- Now you're cool, okay, cool!
Well, you're the—
- We're all cool!
We've all been cool this whole time!
- I would say—
- Hiding it—
- I'm pretty cool.
- We're not—
Liam has always been cool.
- Liam, i thought we were hanging out.
Liam?
- Listen.
Your aunt lazuli knew
that it was necessary
To do this research in secret
Until her sister was
in a position of power,
Until your aunt rococoa was queen,
And she could be her archwizard.
- But i don't want to be an archwizard,
I don't want to do all of that book stuff.
- You don't want to do
all that book stuff,
Are you serious, ruby?
After everything we've just talked—
- You just met me!
- Ruby, ruby, i have your
back 99.9 percent of the time,
But i'm with him on this one.
- No!
- That was a lot of sh*t he just dropped,
And you won't crack a book for that?
- Et tu, frute?
- You see that the lady donetta
walks out of the carriage
And some of the remaining
unwounded tart guard come out.
You see that she walks
over to you and says,
I'm tending to king amethar's wounds.
I was wondering if someone might help me,
If there are some medicinal
fruits around here,
We might be able to find
some help for the king,
Is anyone here knowledgeable
in herb lore or—
- Ya got your man right here!
What kind of seeds are we looking for?
- You see preston goes,
She says, there are a
couple of medicinal herbs
That should be able to help us,
But you know, i am much more well versed
In candian herb lore, maybe if
you could give me some help.
And she's gonna give you the
help action on a nature check.
- Cool!
- Ooh!
- All right.
Oh yeah, baby, we're talkin' a 23.
- Ooh!
- That's what we're talkin', baby!
- So liam, you take off
to help the lady donetta—
- I just fully dive my
whole body into a bush.
Yeah!
- It's not even a bush,
it's just a huge peach,
And you just lateral,
- There's a pit in here!
All right, i'll keep looking!
- Just a seed kid!
This kid just loves seeds!
- I've never heard of—
- He's pretty cool, actually.
- Cool, so you grab that stuff,
You find a lot of medicinal stuff
And end up going back with her to like,
And she actually ends up showing you
How to make poultices and cool stuff.
- Honey, this is my way to spend a day!
Let me hang out with the big donut lady!
- I have one final d6.
- Yeah, absolutely!
- I'm trying to decide how
mean you're going to be to us.
But i guess i'll use it—
- I would save it.
- Well, could he take a rest
on the caravan as we're going?
- Well, it's only after a long rest.
- I will say that, as you guys,
So first of all, is
there anything that you,
That theobald wraps up
with the two princesses?
- I think the last thing
i want to say is just,
So we should all, you should
continue your studies.
I'll help you, i'll study too.
Jet, if you want to, if
you want some banned books,
I have some seriously banned books.
- Would you please give them to me?
Give me anything about
the lands, the meatlands.
- You need to stop running away,
You need to stop—
- We're not, why would we run away?
You have all of the stuff
we always ever wanted,
And you just hid it from us!
- Everyone just needs to be cool,
And then we'll start doing cool stuff!
- Everbody's—
- Once we're cool, we'll do cool stuff!
- Everybody's cool!
Apparently everybody's cool!
- If you had acted like this before,
We would've asked for a
four bedroom apartment,
And you could've lived with us!
- You didn't deserve my coolness!
Return back to the carriage!
- You go back to the
carriage, the princesses,
No i want to say, so you
go back to the carriage,
As you're in there administering them,
Amethar, you actually wake up,
You have one hit point.
- Great, i mean—
- He has one left?
- I had two, yeah—
- You had two, oh sorry, yes, yes, yes.
- I just passed out.
- Oh, that's right.
- You banged your head as you—
- Sorry, amethar, you
wake up at full health.
- Oh.
- But feeling very groggy,
There's some medicine,
you've been bandaged.
And you look up and see young liam
Working with the lady
donetta, calroy is there.
- I'm in an apron.
- Hi, king!
- Hi, hello, liam.
Do i have you to thank for this?
- Oh well, it was me and ms. Donut.
- Lady donetta.
- Lady donetta.
- Yeah, mm-Hmm.
Mama donut.
- That's not my name.
- My charisma, i have a negative two—
So i'm gonna imagine
I get everyone's name wrong all the time.
- She says, liam was
extraordinarily helpful
In procuring the ingredients
for these balms, your majesty.
- Oh wow.
Did you say, oh, balms, not—
- Balms.
- Not bombs, okay.
- Can we make a b*mb, i was thinking
We should give one to licorina.
- You guys are actually still
outside, finishing up with—
- Am i here?
- Yes, lapin, you're here as well.
- Oh, well, thank you, liam.
Whoa, okay, all right!
- How are you feeling?
Just a little touch!
- I'm feeling much better, lapin,
And thank you for all your
help during the battle.
It was essential.
- Essential.
- I forgot how useful you can be,
Out there as well as in the castle.
- Of course.
- And liam, thank you so much, you know,
You got your say, you got, you know,
You and your dad both have
this knack for the nature stuff
That, i don't know.
Always made him fun to be around.
- Oh, cool!
Yeah, my dad was fun to
be around, that's weird.
- Yeah.
I mean, your dad was a hero to me.
- Cool.
- And he, he taught me
everything i know about fighting.
My father was weak.
Your father,
Hey, he was strong.
- Oh, cool!
I, yeah, my dad,
Yeah, he's a nice guy,
But i just feel like i'm pretty different
From all my family,
Pretty sure i—
- Yeah.
- Was adopted and no one's
telling me or something,
That's kind of the only
thing that would make sense.
- You are wearing an apron,
I don't think i ever saw your dad—
- Yeah?
- Wearing an apron.
- The best thing about the apron is,
It kind of tickles your knees.
You know, it's a good tickle.
- Where are my daughters?
- Can i just ask theo, as we're walking,
How did you get sprinkle?
- I cast a spell that your aunt—
- Can i, can i do that?
- Yes, i'll teach you,
But we need to be really
down low about it.
- Okay!
- I'm fitting sprinkle with a little thing
So i can try and ride him.
- Cool.
Under no circumstances will i allow that.
- But i could try, though, can i?
- Please don't k*ll sprinkle.
- You can absolutely try.
- Okay.
- I will not stand for it.
Not this season, not season five.
- I see, it is a spirit
that can't be tamed.
- You're gonna k*ll sprinkle!
- I apologize, sprinkle.
- As amethar looks for his daughters,
You see that lord cruller
turns to you and says,
You know that your cousin and your father
Fought side-By-Side in the ravening w*r.
- Not a big w*r guy.
- Well—
- Not a big w*r guy.
- Sure, all right.
You're hard to bond with.
- I would love to hear
what you had to say!
- No, i just, liam.
We're heading—
You've been party to a lot of
very dangerous information.
And i want you to know
That if it has not been
made clear to you already
By either the queen or myself
or your cousin, the king,
Your situation as a hostage with us
Is the best of all possible worlds.
Your father is able to keep his castle,
And all of his children and his lands
And his fighting forces,
And not even agree to the concord,
Remain as a rebel state openly,
Because of the nature of the
treaty that was worked out
Between him and the house of rocks,
So you staying here is what enables
Your father to keep his independence,
His freedom, his lands,
And not only amethar,
but his fallen sisters
All were incredibly
supportive of your uncle
When he seceded.
Did he ever tell you why he seceded?
- Yeah, he said last king was a p*ssy,
And everybody a p*ssy, and—
- He did have a blunt way with words, yes.
- Yeah, yeah, and i don't know,
Everyone just kind of thinks that
The whole candy, you know,
All the kings and stuff were lame,
And that we should, you know,
kind of k*ll them or whatever.
- He was a little blunt,
But he seceded because
your uncle, king jadain,
Would not uphold candia's alliances.
Your father made himself a traitor
To fight alongside our
allies in the dairy islands.
- Yeah, i think i have
heard that one, yeah.
'cause he wouldn't, they needed our help,
And we said no, and so my dad just went
And helped them anyway.
- That's correct.
- Yeah, that sounds pretty cool.
I think, yeah, i think
my brothers and stuff,
They really hate the king.
And they just kind of think like,
He's probably just like his brother,
But yeah, again, i'm not really a w*r guy.
- Well, no one is until the w*r comes.
- Hmm.
- You see that you guys
continue along the road.
It's many more days to get to comida.
As you make your way
towards comida, though,
You guys stay in small keeps and castles,
Provincial lords put out
their best royal welcome,
As much as they can, as
the royal family of candia
Comes through their lands.
The imperial guard swells, you know,
You see other people
on their way to comida
For the grand tournament.
And as you move through these lands,
You end up at night practicing.
Now you guys are, you know,
These young princesses
who are now finding that
The open attitudes towards arcane magic
That are held in candia,
In the more theocratically
minded kingdoms of calorum,
The attitudes shift a little bit.
However, with locked doors,
And with plenty of safe tart guard
Keeping you guys away
from other prying eyes,
You begin to learn the
find familiar spell.
And right—
- I try to do it too.
- You're more of a,
You're more like your aunt rococoa.
- We're twins!
- Why don't you go back to attacking me,
And i try to block it.
- Okay!
- You see, right
before dawn on your final day,
You step out on to the balcony,
You cast the spell.
And nothing happens.
And stepping on to the
balcony in the pre-Dawn light,
You see with your archer's vision,
A tiny shape coming out of the sky.
And its wings spread.
A butterscotch falcon lands on your arm.
- Hello!
What's your name?
Yak?
Your name is yak?
All right, i'll call you yak.
- Yak the falcon, hold on one second.
- Here we go!
- Here's yak the falcon.
- Oh, i love him!
- He's made of butterscotch,
So naturally, he looks quite old,
He looks kind of like,
you know how some birds
Get very, they get, it's
simultaneously very distinguished,
But also grumpy looking?
He's like a very distinguished,
Grumpy-Looking butterscotch falcon.
- I find some of liam's seeds,
And i feed them to the falcon.
What do you want, do you want,
What do you eat, boy?
- See,
He takes to wing and starts hunting
Over the fructeran fields.
- This is much better
than sprinkle already.
No offense, sprinkle.
I'm so sorry, sprinkle.
- He just changes his head to butt
And shuffles like a train back and forth.
- You invite the wrath of sprinkle?
- We need to learn head to butt, sprinkle.
- Sprinkle, i hope that
you and yak can be friends.
- You see,
Yeah, it's still pre-Dawn light.
You are spending time with your falcon,
And theo, you have taught
the princess a spell
That you, you know, you were
never a wizardly minded guy,
And it was just your admiration
for the princess lazuli,
And looking out over like,
You can't help but notice
that as the sky shifts,
The entire sky is the same
indigo in that pre-Dawn light
As night begins to fade,
And as a small wind kicks up,
And for a moment, you swear you could feel
A smile somewhere on the horizon.
- Princess ruby, i'm
sorry, but you do have
A lot of reading to do in the coming days.
- Ugh!
- I do think you're both
destined for great things.
- A quick twin check-In.
Like, if it, me versus yak,
I'm still number one, right?
- Yeah, sure,
And me versus liam, i'm
still number one, right?
- Absolutely, absolutely.
- Okay, great, yeah.
- Okay, cool.
- Cool.
- That was in twin language.
- The next day is the
As you guys close in on comida.
As you're getting ready to leave
From the last keep you've been staying in,
You see that lord cruller
comes over to you, theo.
And you see he says,
So theobald, i trust
the secret lessons are—
- Yes, i think we're good.
- Lovely.
I've been speaking to some of the help
At these keeps, and some
of them speak ceresian,
And some of them have
been serving our friends,
These ceresian infantry,
And it looks like they've been talking.
So, it's not the best possible situation.
It looks like commander
grissini has shut down
A lot of that talk in the open,
So word is spreading less
fast than it could have.
But according to some of
the serving lads and lasses,
There has been some gossip
amongst the rank and file.
What was it you saw or heard
That the princess jet was
referring to with the chancellor?
Do you remember what i speak of?
- I believe i was outside
the carriage at the time
Of whatever is being referred to.
- Go ahead and give me a deception roll.
- Eight.
- He goes,
Ah, so this happened when the battle
Had already broken out?
- I don't feel
comfortable speaking
About the chancellor
when he's not present.
After what i saw in that battle,
I still hate his stupid rabbit guts,
But i respect him.
And i don't want any more gossip.
- I completely understand,
I will only,
It will be easier for me
to hunt something down
And stop it if i know
what it is i'm hunting.
And that's all i will
say on the matter of,
For fear that i would
make you uncomfortable
Regarding your honor, sir theobald.
- I get the,
I get what you're saying.
Whoever did this,
It's not the chancellor.
- I would never suggest that it was.
But the princess jet did see something,
And if she saw it, it's
possible someone else
Saw it as well.
All right.
You've made your mind known,
And i respect it,
Even if it makes my life
Perhaps significantly more difficult.
Sir theobald, thank you.
You see, you guys head to
the capitol city of comida!
- Can we go shopping?
- Golden spires of green,
The leafy cathedrals towering
over the city skyline,
Fruit merchants aboard dairy sailor ships,
And the high drums of a convoy
From the meatlands approaching
astride massive beasts,
Strange trunked and
tusked mammoth monsters
From the far north, the
arrival of lords and ladies
From across all the six
kingdoms of calorum,
You see the great
cathedral of saint arugula,
In all of its green splendor,
There, the cornucopean
hall, the massive horn,
With all of the foods and
sweets piling out of it,
Massive buildings arrayed,
Statues of the heroes of the empire.
And atop it all, the
great pyramid of food.
- Okay, chancellor, i would
like to visit this chapel.
- There will be time.
- You guys arrive at the cornucopean hall,
A big, giant, you know,
horn of plenty building.
But you know, it's like,
this horn of plenty
Dwarfs the buildings around it,
And there's huge gates opened up,
And inside, it's spiraling domes,
Comida has always been a cosmopolitan,
Multicultural place where
denizens of all the six kingdoms
Come to trade and talk, and of course,
Now after the 20 years that it's been
The capitol of the concordant empire,
You know, the concordant
empire levies 20 percent
Of the taxes of every other kingdom,
And all of that wealth
pours into this place,
And you see this, just
a wealth of culture.
I mean, like,
Castle candia's the capitol of candia,
And dulcington is a large town,
But this is a city.
And you see just how
big this world can get.
- We have to sneak out.
- We have to.
- What do you guys do as you
approach the cornucopean hall?
I'm keeping an eye out.
- For exits.
- I'm keeping an eye out for taverns,
Or dancing halls.
- Maybe some kind of show.
- I take a quick second to
walk up to my daughters,
And first, i take off the locket
That jet gave to me, and
i give it back to her.
I say—
- Thanks, pops.
- That's for you, right?
I appreciate you giving it to me.
- Wow, if you ever looked,
If you ever look like you need it,
It's coming for that neck.
- Hey, i'll tell you right now,
It won't work.
It's for you and your sister.
And nobody else.
- Oh.
- Okay?
That's very sweet of you, though.
- We just want to protect you, pops.
- Well—
- Not that you need it.
It was really fun to watch you in battle.
- It was really cool.
- It was very fun to watch you—
- Do you know you're the first person
To ever do damage to me?
But i think that's kind of cool, right?
- I mean, my sisters were the first people
To ever, you know—
- Yeah.
- Grievously, or injure
me, so it feels right,
Family hurts family.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- But i just want you guys to know that
I'm sorry for yelling at the carriage,
And i'm gonna be doing a lot
of talking to people and stuff,
Stuff that maybe you
guys can't be a part of.
- Okay, well, if you want
us to be a part of it,
We'll do it.
- I know, i know.
- I'm sorry for talking back so much,
I just feel really worried about ruby,
And i've taken ruby's
presence for granted,
And i am a little bit panicking.
- And that's my fault, for i don't know,
Maybe being too nice on you,
Maybe teaching you to sneak
out of too many lessons.
I think we could all do better here.
Now, i need to go find somebody
From the dairy islands, and quick.
So i'll—
- Is that—
- You guys enjoy the party.
And i'd like to head off.
- You head into the thing, cool.
You step out of the carriage,
As you do, you see the
huge beasts of transport
From the meatlands, and these
warriors of the meatlands
That are wearing bone armor
with giant gladiator weapons.
- I brandish burnt ends.
- You see that a
couple of them look over at you,
Give me a persuasion check.
- Oh, i've never wanted a nat 20 more!
- What is that?
- I got a 12!
- Your brandish it, no one
f*ck' looks your way at all.
- Hello, hey!
- You see that there's a mustached,
Kind of like celtic
vercingetorix looking guy,
Who's speaking there to someone else,
And there's a woman next to him,
Who is a 10 foot tall
t-Bone steak in armor,
With a huge ax over her shoulder.
- I don't generally wear it,
Because it doesn't fit our style,
But i'm so intimidated by this situation
That i put my royal circlet on.
- Yeah, just to get some status.
- Okay, yeah, i guess i put mine on too.
- Amethar steps out, and
you, as you step out,
You hear a voice say,
All right, well,
You know, it's a candian carriage,
So you'd best hide your ale and liquor,
Because they'll drink it all up!
- Oh, is that mantaray i hear?
- In the flesh!
- Oh!
- A tiny crumble
of extremely waxy, stale,
Hard cheese with a huge
handlebar mustache,
And a little bandana, and
he's a little cube of cheese,
He's maybe two and a half feet tall,
Leaps up into amethar's arms, and just—
- We hug, i spin him around!
You son of a b*tch!
- Oh,
is that what you say, then?
Not very kingly of ya!
- Oh, get off of me!
Ah, you're all right!
- Baw, baw, baw!
- Where is—
- Stop, stop assaulting the king!
- Hey, theobald, theobald,
everybody calm down.
- It was getting a little rowdy.
- You see, indeed,
You see that a couple
other people come over,
You see that sir morris brie steps up,
Who's an armored dairy
knight, and he goes,
Right,
mantaray, we're at court!
And puts him down, he says,
Your
majesty, king amethar.
- Hey.
- It
has been too many years.
- Man, much too many.
I hug him as well.
- Embraces, you look over
At the dairy contingent,
These are a bunch of
sailors and other people.
You see that there are two figures
A little way away from each other,
There is a young, finely dressed duchess,
Her name, you would know
her as primsy coldbottle.
She is a young girl,
About two years younger
than your daughters,
Who's got a giant milk bottle head
With eyes and a mouth on it,
And literally the word
"milk" around the side,
Like on part of her
flesh is the word "milk"
Written into the side of her head.
- She's a princess, right?
- She is actually the duchess.
- Duchess.
- She's the duchess of lacramor.
- Is that the highest
ranking person there?
- That's the highest ranking person there.
There used to be, and this is something,
Actually, anyone that wants
to can make a history check.
- I got a nat—
- I got a nat 20.
- Nat 20?
- I got a nat one, though.
- I know about this milk lady,
And i'll tell you all about it.
- And then you tell me it.
- Ruby, you recognize primsy coldbottle,
She is the duchess of lacramor,
She was a cousin of house cheddar.
The, back in the ravening
w*r, prince tarthur cheddar
Was the prince of the dairy islands,
Which is the highest rank in the dairy,
The dairy islands don't
have a king or queen.
You see primsy coldbottle,
Who is sort of standing in the middle
Of a circle of advisors and guards,
Sort of listening to them as they explain
Sort of what's gonna happen.
And what you see sort of very jocular
With a bunch of fighting women and men,
Actually, all the people
she's speaking to are women,
You see there's a huge group of women
That have swords at their
side, bows and arrows,
Very light armor, sort
of, you know, naval armor.
And you see that she's got her one leg up
On the lip of a carriage,
Is maybe the most stunning
woman you've ever seen.
She is wearing a cap,
she has short cut hair,
Swept back, kind of
like the princely hair,
And a long captain's jacket.
With that nat 20, this
is annabelle cheddar.
Annabelle cheddar was
stripped of her title,
And could not inherit the throne
And become princess of the dairy islands.
So she would be the rightful heir,
But something happened,
And with a nat 20, i will tell you,
And you can decide if you heard
this publicly or privately.
- Great.
- She refused to marry.
- Sick!
- That's awesome.
- I love her!
- You see that she's just
laughing it up with soldiers,
You see that there's a look around her
Of such freedom,
And you see someone who,
Unlike the stints you guys have done,
Actually got away.
- f*ck!
I want
to go up to her and say,
In lacra, just as chill as i can,
'sup, i'm ruby.
Hey.
- You see, go ahead and make
a flat charisma check for me.
- I'm not the most charismatic.
It's a 13.
- 13.
You see she looks over at you and goes,
Right,
is it just that then, ruby?
No last name?
I notice there's a circlet on your head.
- Oh, this stupid thing!
- Oh yeah,
you use swirl warden
To reaction leap and catch the circlet.
- Yeah, i just—
- You dropped this.
- Oh, i mean...
I have to wear it.
Yeah, i'm ruby rocks, nice to
meet you, what's your name?
- Right,
well, your highness.
- What, i don't know who you are, so—
- You just
came up to introduce yourself
To a stranger?
- When in comida!
- I put on peasants clothes,
and i'm like, ruby rocks!
- Cool, so you take
A full 10 and a half minutes to do that.
- Ruby rocks!
Can i get your autograph?
- Lapin, you see furiously in the carriage
Is jet changing into—
- I'm reading in here.
Please stop.
- I'm holding the door
of the carriage closed.
- I don't feel like i—
- You see that annabelle
looks at you and says,
Right,
well, your highness.
I'm captain annabelle cheddar.
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
- It's nice to meet you.
You're a captain?
- Aye,
captain of the colby.
- Cool, yeah, we're just
here because my dad.
For the, are you here for
the thing, the tourney?
- Right, the tournament?
Aye, i'll be fighting in the melee.
- Oh wow!
Yeah cool.
- That's
quite a bow you've got
On your back there.
- Oh yeah.
Perhaps you'll be fighting
In the archery competition?
- Oh, no yeah, this is...
This is sourscratch.
It was my aunt's.
Aye, the puckering bow.
- Mm-Hmm.
- Aye, well,
i dare not speak its name,
Lest i find myself on your
wrong side, your highness.
- Oh, i don't think you will.
I mean, will you?
Anyway, i gotta go.
- Do we know everything
about this person from her,
Or you just, she knows?
- You, so give me an insight check.
- Oh, cool.
Interesting.
That's an eight.
- An eight.
You think that both of
them are mad at each other.
- I wish there was something i could do.
- King amethar, are—
- Yeah, theobald?
- I just want to pull the
king aside for a second.
Are we all concerned that
we were just attacked
By dairy bandits on the road,
And your daughter is off talking to—
- I, i mean, i'm not good at statecraft,
But i know that you don't get all crazy
Just 'cause you see, we have to—
- We don't get crazy,
But perhaps we should talk to somebody,
Some of the meat people or something,
See if there's any enemies,
they were pretending to be meat.
- Well, i mean, i,
Okay, i wasn't, you know
how hard it is to try
And think about multiple
things at one time?
- Yes!
- You just—
- That's just it, people
do that every day, my lord!
- That's, but it's so hard!
- It is very hard!
- I think lapin is also
trying to get information
From people as well.
- Yeah, we, i'm gonna
talk to the mantaray jack
And my friends in the dairy islands,
And then we'll go from there.
- Be careful, you don't
know who your friends are.
- I know who my friends are.
I know who my friends are.
- That's, you're correct.
- Hey, i'm a f*cking king,
and i know who my friends are.
- As people start to file
into the cornucopean hall,
You see an enormous troop of
ceresian soldiers walk up.
And you see a number of palanquins,
As about 10 ceresian senators walk out,
The only people that are
not here with royalty.
So it's ceresian senators,
they have a lot of,
Ceresia's just a very populous nation,
So a huge group of people show up,
And you see that as they arrive,
They've been throwing coins,
Just to people in the city,
Just like, coins, coins, coins.
And you see that this one senator
Is this giant loaf of bread,
With a little branch of leaves
around his head in a toga,
This is senator ciabatta.
And you see that,
As he throws them, he's waving,
Hello, people of comida!
Hello!
From your friends in ceresia!
And you see that constano,
Who's been traveling
with you the whole time,
He gets a look in his eye,
And salutes and looks like,
He gets a look like theo gets of like,
Keep it together, keep
it together!
And as well,
The diplomatic envoy
from vegetania arrives.
The royal carriage with prince cabbage,
The adult son of king cabbage,
Is the second largest.
The largest, with a huge symbol
of the shining bulb overhead
Is the palanquin of the heirophant
rex, belizabeth brassica,
The pontifex of the bulbian church.
- Lapin bows very deeply.
- I also bow.
- Oh, i guess i also bow.
- Yeah, royalty and everyone alike bows
As the pontifex approaches.
You see—
- I pull jet down.
- What?
I'm a peasant.
- Peasants would bow even more!
- All right, i bow like a peasant.
- You see that the pontifex walks out,
Beautiful middle aged woman, quaffed hair,
This incredible gown with green and white,
Huge halo of a sort of elizabethan
ruffle around her neck,
She looks out and steps
out with another archbishop
Who's like this tweedy
looking sort of onion guy
With a lot of books,
She greets nezemiah,
she looks out and says,
May the bulb shine on this blessed day,
On the eve of saint turnipat,
This feast is named.
May we sup well,
A blessing upon the city of comida,
And the concordant empire.
And you're filled with
this presence of this woman
That rules over the bulbian church.
As people, she begins to walk away,
And you see that she makes
eye contact with you, lapin.
And nods to you.
You maybe have met her at a
conclave in comida before,
Maybe even in brightgarden,
If you've traveled to brightgarden.
- Oh, okay.
- But the last time you met her,
She was a primogen and an archbishop.
You have not met her as pontifex.
But she smiles and nods to you.
- I think lapin bows again,
And is like,
I hope, i trust that the bulb
is shining on you, pontifex.
- And you as well.
Primogen lapin.
- Yes.
- I heard the awful news
that you were attacked
On the way to comida.
And that none were k*lled.
A miracle, and only one
as devout as yourself
Would have brought the presence
of the bulb so powerfully
That none were lost that day.
- It was truly a miracle.
The bulb did greatly shine on us this day.
- We come now to pay our respects
to the concordant emperor.
If you would like to join,
You're more than welcome, primogen.
However, i understand that
there is business to attend to
Here at the cornucopean hall.
Vices to be indulged,
wine to drink, et cetera.
- I would rather join you, i believe.
Let me make sure i have my leave.
- Absolutely.
We shall see you at the great pyramid.
You see that the archbishop behind her,
Who is an archbishop that
looks a little reedy,
Goes oh, primogen,
archbishop oliver onionpatch.
He's got a little onion head.
A pleasure.
- A pleasure
to make your acquaintance.
- Yes, as well.
Ooh, i should, i didn't get leave.
I actually, ooh.
Your holiness, i should get leave
From the prince cabbage before,
And you see the pontifex goes,
Yes, of course, oliver.
You see he says, very good.
And sort of scampers off, trips
over his robe a little bit
And wanders off towards the carriage.
Everyone else begins to file inside.
Let me know what people are doing,
There's a lot of stuff going on,
You guys are at a big feast.
- My lord, are we all
gonna stick together?
- Of course, i mean, if somebody is,
Either you or i will be with
my daughters at all times.
- All right.
You need to also not die,
you know that, right?
- I, hey, i can take
care of myself, right?
You saw me out there.
You think i'm the old one, too?
I mean, look at you, just like it was,
Just like back in the day.
- Like back in the day, you
weren't the king then, my lord!
- Our king.
- Out of nowhere!
- Stop, stop!
- This is us, we were talking,
We were saying cool stuff!
- Calroy fully drops
the cup he was holding.
God i, god!
- Sorry, my king, i was
invited by the pontifex
To join them at the—
- I mean, you're not a short guy.
- Yeah, right?
You're a big, tall rabbit.
- I don't know what to say.
I trust my king's eyesight,
I don't know about what's
going on with the two of you.
But it—
- I have fine eyesight.
- It feels as though it might be best
If i join, for the sake of the church.
- That feels right,
We'll leave more delicate
conversations until you return.
- Yes.
- Oh!
- Cool.
You mosey on off,
You see calroy looks at you and says,
Your majesty, do you want
me to hang by your side,
Let you know who people are?
You see that lord swirlie
walks up and says,
I would also be happy to
provide the social graces!
- Oh, thank god i'm getting out of here!
- Lord swirlie, why don't you go and,
You know, put,
Make graces with our friends, the senator,
The good senators of ceresia?
I don't want to overwhelm
people with too much,
Too much.
- Ah, a little bit of diplomacy?
- Sure.
- Calroy looks over at you and goes,
You would like me to hang by your side?
- Yeah, of course, calroy, why do
you keep asking stupid questions?
- Because i'm also useful if i am doing
What you just sent finnigan
to do, lord swirlie.
- I mean, what, did you, who,
Do you want me to keep ice cream man?
- No, i'll be with you, that's fine.
- Great, thank you, cal.
- Cool.
You guys head into the group,
And you're all sort of, i
guess, staying together,
Except for lapin, who walks away.
First of all, as you walk up,
The heralds announce them, you know,
King amethar of the house
of rocks, first of his name!
Duke of cookieshire,
sovereign of the realm!
And you're all announced,
enter this great banquet hall,
You have never seen a spread like this.
The only food that you
even have a complaint with
Is the candy on the
tables, 'cause you're like,
Oh, this isn't authentic.
But everything else is, but it is good,
And everything else is the
best stuff you've ever eaten.
- Is there a table that's like
the young, cool, hot people?
- Give me an insight check.
- Great.
Eeh!
That's a five.
- I found a table for us over here!
- Oh no!
- You do not, well, there's also,
Mostly, there's not small tables,
There's long banquet tables.
- Oh, okay.
So where is annabelle sitting?
- Annabelle's sitting,
she's actually not sitting,
She's over near a bunch
Of these huge kegs of fructeran vino.
- I just want to say to liam,
Princess jet, princess ruby—
- An honor to be included.
- Wards stick together, okay?
Look.
Somebody here set us up.
I can guarantee it.
We don't know who that is,
So just be careful, whoever you talk to.
- Liam, so what did your parents do
To mess up to make you a ward?
- Hey!
- I jumped at the chance to serve,
To follow rules and rigorous schedules.
- Right, yes, you are still—
- Wake up early and train, and—
- Okay, yes, i had—
- What?
And then i discovered a love of reading—
- I'm gonna go get a drink.
- Let my hair down!
- I sidle up next to my
friends from the dairy islands.
- Cool, you go over there,
You see mantaray is there
With his milky mantaray tattoo.
And you see that annabelle,
You go over to annabelle, or primsy?
- I'm primsy, and i'm assuming primsy,
Who is with who?
- Sir morris brie is with primsy,
And as you approach, he says—
- Great, perfect.
- He goes,
M'lady,
presenting his majesty,
King amethar of the house of rocks.
And you
see that primsy looks up
And she says,
Oh, i'm very charmed,
To be sure, your majesty.
And she
does a very deep curtsy.
- Oh!
A pleasure to meet you, my lady.
- Aye, 'tis a pleasure.
I understand that you fought a long time,
Long before i was born,
in the dairy isles.
- Yeah.
You have a beautiful homeland.
- To hear
a king say those words,
It means a great deal.
- You are,
You are too kind.
And very well spoken
For someone of your age.
- Oh,
thank you very much.
I try to be as polite and proper as i can,
And i know that it is a
privilege and an honor
To be here to represent my people.
- I couldn't have said it better myself.
I was wondering if i might
have a moment with sir brie?
- Of course!
Sir brie, i give you leave
to speak with his majesty,
The king of candia.
Sir brie
nods and steps away,
She curtsies again,
And yeah, you—
- You understand we were
attacked on the road?
- Aye, we heard word.
- Yeah, and do you know
who we were attacked by?
- You see, give me,
He's gonna make an insight check,
Give me a flat charisma check.
- Great.
- Can i also do a perception check?
I want to kind of keep my
eyes on the cheese people
As they're watching—
- Give me a perception
and an insight check.
- What did i give you?
What're you asking for?
- Flat charisma.
- Flat charisma's 10.
- I got a 19 on insight.
And not a great perception
check, eight on perception.
- Cool.
Insight, you don't notice any
weird cheese people stuff.
With insight, you get two,
That's a good insight, you get two things.
You see annabelle look
at amethar forlornly,
She looks a little bit like,
I don't know, she looks at him,
As he goes to primsy and not her.
- Okay.
- And you look at primsy,
She looks over, there is
a young dairy nobleman,
Who's wearing all blue.
And you see that he looks like
a little fancy cheese boy.
And he smiles at her.
Insight, but you got a low perception,
So you see that she smiles at him,
And he very saucily is like,
But he's about 16 or 17 himself,
Winks at her, and she kind of blushes.
- Huh.
- You walk over with,
you see that sir morris
Looks at you and goes,
Right,
you don't think that,
Your majesty, let me understand.
You're asking if we know anything?
- Yeah, i am.
I'm not accusing you or anything.
- No, of course not.
- We've been friends,
We've been through it together, all right?
I've watched you sh*t and piss
in trenches during the w*r.
Right?
- I've
watched you sh*t and piss
Fully out of a trench.
I've watched you sh*t in a dead sprint,
It was the most upsetting
thing i've ever seen.
- I mean, that was a night,
i'll tell you!
- Aye,
you raged the whole day,
And you were drunk,
And i saw you took off,
And you said, i'll bet,
You said, 40 can, 40 sweetfarthings says
I can't make it to that tree and back,
Nobody spoke to even take the bet.
And you ran and sh*t on your first step.
- The whole time, it was
unreal, i'll tell you!
- You were
a beast back in the day!
And i heard you are a beast still,
Is it true, all 12, you
didn't lose a single guy?
- Not a single one.
I mean, it was incredible.
Well, i'll tell you this.
If it was us, we would've
sent damn more than 12.
Look, i'll say this.
What we know is very little, all right?
Most of our resources,
You know that the dairy islands
have never quite recovered
After the w*r.
Most of the fighting
happened there, and...
The lady primsy will be
a good duchess one day.
She's got her heart in the right place,
She's a good, young girl.
But the fact remains that
After prince tarthur died,
We have not...
There are houses that
deliver their taxes late.
We hear about pirate ships
Taking down merchant vessels and...
We can't be sure if the lords
are telling the truth or not.
The reach of house cheddar
is much diminished,
And you see that,
Go ahead and give me an insight check,
And if you're watching
this as well, murph,
You can give me an insight check as well.
- 21.
- Jesus.
You see sir morris brie
shoots a dirty f*ck' look
Over at annabelle when he says,
When he says the power of house
cheddar is much diminished,
Shoots a look her way.
- Well.
You know that
The dairy islands will always,
As long as i'm in power, have
the allegiance of candia.
- Sir, the lady...
Her grace, the lady of lacramor
Has been told of your exploits
Since she was born, and
there is not a girl or boy
In the dairy islands that does not know
What we owe to candia.
You see
that mantaray jack comes,
Has seen you guys talking
and comes over and says,
Aye,
are we talking about
What is owed to candia
from the dairy islands?
You gave us a lot, and i'll tell you what.
You didn't give more to
anyone than you did that girl
In the far east isles.
- Hey, mantaray, we don't talk about that.
- No,
i know, but you did—
- We're not supposed to.
- I know what you did!
- I did, all right, okay!
- Aye,
he was fighting there
For a long time, and
his majesty had to keep
A little something stashed away—
- Mantaray!
Mantaray, please!
Please!
- Ah, it's all right.
I had some stashed away meself,
But i went back after the
w*r, and she stabbed me.
- Oh.
You got the scar still?
- Aye,
stabbed me in the stomach.
- Let me see it.
- She was a pirate!
- Oh, that's beautiful!
- I didn't,
i didn't put together that,
You know, when i was a
fightin' man and a soldier,
Her patriotism compelled her
to find something rewarding
In me character, and then
after the w*r was over,
She i guess grew tired of me.
And let me know with the
sharp end of a knife.
But that's love.
- That's love, hey, you know,
There's a problem here.
You don't have a drink.
You don't have a—
And i don't have a drink.
- That's right!
You see
morris shakes his head,
And you guys all go off to get a drink.
- Can i go get some wine?
I think i would just go—
- Yeah, go get some
f*ck' wine, hell yeah!
- Okay.
- Yeah, i want some wine.
- All right, everyone—
- This is very intimidating,
I want to have a glass of wine.
- Let's all sip.
Let's all be—
- I'm not able to read
social cues very well,
So in this case it works out well for me,
'cause i don't realize
how intimidating it is.
- All right, liam, we're
gonna play a drinking game.
You want to play a drinking game?
- Okay!
- Ooh.
- Okay.
- I have tarot cards.
- Oh yes!
- I'm saying yes because
you started it with we!
What?
- Let's play a tarot card drinking game.
Okay, so the card that you pull,
Whatever number is on it, you
have to take that many sips.
- Okay!
- Great.
- 3.000.
- Wow, that's a tarot card?
- Are you over there with,
Are you over
there with jet, by the,
Is jet with these guys
getting wine, or no?
- Yes, i haven't decided,
She's never had a sip of wine before.
- Ooh!
- So i don't know if
she's gonna have anything.
- That's right, you've
only been having cola
For the longest time.
- Yeah.
- You hear a voice behind you say,
Ma cherie!
And you see a beautifully dressed avocado.
With a little green face,
Waxed eyebrows,
Just a little bit of
peach fuzz as a mustache,
You see that he has a little green doublet
With little yellow epaulets,
And he strides over to you and says,
Is it true,
the princess jet rocks?
- I down my entire glass of wine.
- Oh!
- 1.198,
- Everyone relax!
- 1.200.
- Thad.
- I'm feeding liam water.
Water also.
- Oh!
- Two sips of water for every—
- In twinspeak, i say to ruby,
He didn't age well, did he?
- No!
This facial hair situation
is very embarrassing
For everybody involved.
- The fuzz.
- Yes.
- You are
speaking a dialect of candian
That i do not understand.
- Yes, so—
- My sister is so excited to meet you.
She has been talking about this.
- You know, i think
something got mixed up,
'cause i meant to send you a letter back,
And i might have sent
you something instead.
- I'm
wearing them right now.
- Oh my god!
- I had
to get them taken out.
Because my bottom is very wide.
- I feel like water.
- Cool, so what have you been up to,
Because, i mean, not a lot
has changed physically,
Other than your upper lip.
- Oh, you
are regarding my mustache?
- Yeah, i, ooh!
Can i have my underwear back?
- Normally,
that would be impossible,
But because you are so clever, rip!
- Dear god.
- I give
them back right now.
- I have to—
I have worn these
For the past week.
- Are there,
I need torches.
- I'm liam!
- Hello, liam!
My name is thaddeus strongpit,
I'm the viscount of the lands of fructera,
And it's very good to see you.
- S'cool to see you!
- Thaddeus, where,
Where do the common people hang out?
- In twinspeak i say, you
think he's gonna know?
Do you see what a
f*ck' turd this guy is?
- Look, who else do i ask?
- You see he says,
The common people?
I think they
Are in barns.
- Is annabelle cheddar around,
And can i f*ck' fall
and land, and like—
- I try to grab liam before—
- You see that,
As you start to fall,
You see that annabelle twirls you around.
- Oh!
- Into a dance move and says,
You all right, there?
Looks like you can't hold your cups.
- Oh yeah.
I'm sorry about that.
- It's all right!
You're wearin' a full
backpack full of pans
And lanterns and such,
And we're here in a fancy party.
- Oh yeah, i'm always prepared,
I grew up in the great
stone candy mountains.
- Aye, the
great stone candy mountains,
Is that true?
You're joren jawbreaker's boy.
- Yeah, that's my dad.
- Aye.
Fearsome foe, i saw him
once when i was a wee girl,
Only about four years of age.
- Mm-Hmm.
- He
was a mighty warrior.
- That's cool.
- Chin like a cliff.
- Mm-Hmm, yeah.
Yeah, he,
He gets mad pretty easily,
So i always have to keep my
seeds in a different room.
- You
have to do your what?
Seeds in a different room?
- Well, yeah, yeah.
I'm just like kind of,
I'm really into, you know, growing stuff,
And i like to keep a seed
from each place that i go.
Not a big w*r guy, that's
what i'm trying to say.
- Right.
Well...
I can't say anyone
should be a big w*r guy.
- Mm.
- w*r is hell.
Right, well, i'll tell you what.
You see she
looks over at you, theo,
And says,
perhaps we should get
The young master wilhelmina to some sort
Of horizontal position.
Probably on his side.
- It's not a bad idea.
- I'm drinking more wine.
- Liam, why don't we
do water for a second.
Can i look over,
I'm concerned now that i know that
There might be some kind of rivalry
Within the dairy islands.
Primsy coldbottle is being
hit on by a cheese dude?
- Yeah.
- Do they have food in
front of them or anything?
- Yeah, they have some
food in front of them.
- I would like to walk,
I think i would like to
maybe take liam with me,
And go over and sort of interrupt this—
- Where are we going?
- We're going to say hello.
- Okay!
- To the duchess primsy coldbottle.
- I can't wait, i'm also,
I'm a count.
I'm count—
- You walk
over to primsy coldbottle,
She says, [scottish
accent] ah, hello there.
You see that sir morris
Introduces you and liam, she says,
You're liam wilhelmina
Of the house of jawbreaker!
- Mm-Hmm, that's me,
It's a pleasure to make your acquaintance.
I put my
hand up to her mouth,
As though she was kissing my hand.
- She doesn't miss a beat.
She kisses it very quickly,
Even though she clearly knows
That that's not what's supposed to happen.
- It's good to meet you.
- Right,
well, it's a pleasure
To meet you as well, liam.
- Duchess, may i ask
who your friend is here?
- She says,
This is
just my traveling companion,
The lord stilton curdeau.
And you
see that young stilton
Looks over at you.
Make another perception check.
- Sweet.
Please.
Can sprinkle help me?
- Yeah.
- Sweet!
Help me, sprinkle.
Yes!
Thank you, sprinkle.
- You see he looks up at you,
And he says,
Hello, it
is a pleasure to meet you.
And you get a,
It's been covered with a lot
of rich fructeran colognes,
It's a familiar stink here.
- How old are you?
- Right, oh me?
- No, sorry, talking to—
- I'm 17 years old.
- Oh, cool!
Me too.
- All right.
So that's like something
we have in common.
- Yeah, totally, it feels like a—
- I'd like to motion for the king.
- Amethar, what are you,
What are you up to right now at this—
- I think me and mantaray are just—
- Going at it.
- It's like seeing friends
For the first time in a long time.
- Hell yeah.
You, he's laughing it up.
You look over, by the way,
and catch basha's eye,
The meat lord.
And he gives you a straight
up f*ck' violent look.
You just recognize a b*ttlefield look,
Gives you a look, and goes back to talking
With his meat people.
- Big basha.
Basha's worried about losing to me
In the tournament tomorrow.
- You see that calroy goes,
Well, i don't think it's basha
You have to worry about.
I think it's probably scravoya, his wife.
And you see that there's this steak giant
Who's got her huge ax over her shoulder.
- Oh yeah, they're all scared.
- You see—
- My sister was stronger than all of them.
- You see that calroy
nods and says, certainly.
You see he says,
Did the warlord of the
beef clans just give you
A dirty look across the
floor of this banquet hall?
Maybe we should go say hello.
- I mean...
Yeah, yeah, we, yeah, let's do that.
- You see that jack looks at you and says,
Right,
i'll go for the legs,
And when he drops, you
get the head!
- Mantaray, stop it!
You can't be doing that
no more, i'm a king!
- What can i be doing,
I lived my life free on the open seas!
You see that you head over,
Calroy walks over to you.
Which is sort of an immediate power move.
You realize, calroy's good at this sh*t.
Someone shot you a dirty look,
That can't be left to stand
in the middle of this banquet,
So you're gonna walk right
over there and talk to him.
Calroy walks up and says,
My lord, basha, warlord of the beef clans,
You look well, and you see
basha just interrupts him,
And looks at you and says,
Amethar
of the house of rocks,
I hear you were attacked by cheese bandits
On the road to comida.
- That's correct, my lord.
- They
are perhaps wielding
Some garnish weapons, they
tie meat to themselves.
- Yes, but i mean, it was very clear
That they were not of carn.
They were some kind of, we believe,
Pirates of the dairy islands.
- Hmm,
it is a very good thing
That the ceresian imperial
infantry show up when they do.
- Well, we had things very under control
Before they even arrived.
- Oh, i'm—
- Candia, though your
prowess of course is known,
Candia is strong as well.
- You see
that he looks and says,
I am sure that you have
Everything in control
Before they show up.
- We do.
Dairy islands and candia
Are strongest alliance, only two nations
That do not go to w*r in the ravening.
Seems like maybe you
want to come to comida
With meat arrow broken off in your body,
Or some sort of meat attack that happen,
And maybe if commander
grissini don't find it,
Maybe the rumor spread that meatlanders
Try to attack king of candia,
And put a stop to him.
- Watch your f*ck' mouth.
- Calroy goes, all right.
- When you talk to me.
- You see he says,
I'll see you
in the melee tomorrow, huh?
- Yeah.
Yeah, you f*ck' will.
- Calroy pulls you away
From from basha myaso,
Who smiles and looks at you
And begins to speak more to his wife
And his other advisors.
So they're sort of staying
in a big corner of the room,
Speaking carnish to each other.
The vegetanian envoy's very light here,
Looks like a lot of them might
have gone with the pontifex.
But the ceresians are having a big party
And look generally very happy.
You see that constano and a
lot of the imperial guards
Are talking with the sort of
more formal ceresian soldiers,
Who they rarely get a chance to see,
Some of them know each other
from back in their homeland.
You see, and then there's
the dairy islanders
That you've been paying of
course close attention to,
And then a lot of the local fructerans.
But you don't see anyone
from house uvano here.
There's a lot of other lords and ladies
Of fructera here, though.
We are gonna cut over to the path
Up to the great pyramid of food.
Primogen lapin, you have
fallen into footsteps
With the pontifex, you
hear catching up behind you
Is this archbishop oliver onionpatch.
You see a large guard around the pontifex,
Even as she walks within the
walls of the pyramid itself.
She walks alongside you.
You see she says,
Primogen, have you had the fortune
Of making the acquaintance
of sir deeproot?
And you see that this guy in front of her
Is this incredible, tall,
muscle-Bound carrot paladin.
Gleaming white armor, white
cape with the bulb on it.
Huge, green, green-Headed mace.
You see he looks over
and says, your grace.
- It is an honor to meet you.
I don't think i've, we've met.
- In the light of the
bulb, an honor as always
To meet an archbishop and
primogen of the church.
You see the pontifex says,
Sir keradin.
The good primogen is not an archbishop,
Does not actually,
How shall we say, administrate the church.
Instead, he is a miracle worker,
Gifted with the light of the bulb itself.
His rank as primogen is
not a result of his work
As a bishop or archbishop.
Instead, he has been
blessed by the bulb above.
- Yes, the bulb saw fit to
grant me certain powers,
So that's why i'm here.
- Sir keradin looks at you and says,
Even more an honor, then, your grace.
- It's an honor to meet you!
- If by my life or death i
can protect you, i shall.
- Okay.
- You see that the pontifex says,
It is a remarkable gift,
miracle working has been lost
To calorum for so long.
But to think that in
the past half a century,
Candia has seen two such
incredible workers of miracles,
Both yourself and the king's
sister, saint citrina.
- Yes, well,
From what i've seen in candia,
Everyone that i've crossed paths with,
Is quite touched by the bulb.
How are things in—
- Vegetania?
- How are things in vegetania?
- In brightgarden, they are well,
The church administers to the people,
The bulb shines above us.
It is a sadness that king
cabbage could not be here,
And had to send his son instead.
He is infirm and...
Would not have taken well
To the long journey from greenhold.
- Do i know that,
That the king didn't
actually come himself, or was
- This is, this is,
Give me a intelligence check.
- Seven.
- No, you didn't know that,
this is a surprise to you.
- Okay.
Oh yes, i mean...
I wish that the bulb would
see fit for some miracle
To come to the king himself.
- She says, yes, good king belvedere,
He is,
It pains him that he could not be here,
But it is—
- Is his name belvedere cabbage?
- Belvedere cabbage, yes.
You see she looks at you and says,
While none but the bulb
know what is to come,
I think here in confidence
of small council,
We can say that it is unlikely
that good old king cabbage
Would have been named successor.
So he has maintained
the honor of his kingdom
By sending his son, the prince, and...
Successorship shall be granted to
The person that the bulb shall choose.
You see that sir keradin,
eyes straight ahead,
Just goes, amen.
And you continue to walk along,
And you get to the great pyramid of food.
You are joined there by a
beautiful ceresian woman,
In a loose sort of one shoulder toga.
You see she's got long sort
of pasta flowing tresses,
And these glowing white eyes.
You, give me another, give
me a flat charisma check.
- That would be a 23.
- You recognize that this is
another primogen from ceresia,
She holds the ear of senator ciabatta,
This is primogen alfredi.
You see that she looks up and says,
Ah, your holiness.
Bows deeply.
- I bow slightly deeper.
- She, the pontifex brassica
lets her ring be kissed
By primogen alfredi.
She rises and says,
Ah, and do i
have the pleasure of knowing
The primogen of candia?
- You do.
- Lapin cadbury,
i am the primogen alfredi,
It is a pleasure.
- Alfredi, yes.
- I understand
we are to make an envoy
From the church to pay our great
mother cathedral's respects
To the ailing emperor.
- Yes.
Sorry, so right now, we are just going
To the temple to just—
- You're going to the pyramid,
Where the emperor is,
to sort of pay respects.
- Oh, okay.
- But you see that the pontifex says,
It is a pleasure and an honor
To be in the company of
Two miracle workers,
Both primogen cadbury and alfredi.
You see that her eyes
glow a little bit more,
With this divine energy.
Yeah, it's a rare,
You see alfredi's no joke,
Has some kind of divine magic around her.
- So, okay, so i was about to say.
And we've never met before.
- No, you have not.
- Can i make an insight check?
- Yeah, make an insight check.
- That's an eight.
- It occurs to you that, you know,
The bulbian church has a
stance against arcane magic.
But it welcomes miracle working, right?
So that presents a conundrum,
Because most people couldn't
f*ck' tell one from the other
If they tried, right?
There's some aesthetic stuff, like ooh,
Purple smoke, seems arcane,
Or glowing eyes maybe seems divine.
So you know, everything gets a little gray
And mixed up in the wash,
Especially when you're
talking about powerful people
And what they can get away with.
What you do know is that
you're seeing real magic,
And that means that primogen alfredi
Might be able to detect
other magic as well.
In other words, this might be
someone you can't bullshit.
- Yes, okay.
That's what i assumed.
So i just, i'm just gonna nod to this,
This other primogen and just sort of
Pretend i'm looking around,
but sort of just walk
A little bit further away.
- Cool, are you just
gonna kind of peel off
As they start talking
and going to the emperor?
Is it a full peel off, or are you just—
- No, no, no, i was,
I just mean, i don't want to be standing
Right next to this person.
- Cool, go ahead and
give me a deception roll.
- This is what he was trying to avoid!
- Jesus christ.
That's a 12.
- You start sort of going away.
You see that sir keradin
turns to look at you and says,
Your grace, is everything all right?
Have you spotted something
over on that wall?
- No, i'm just taking in
the sights of the city.
- An enemy of the faith?
- No, no, you can—
- In the wall?
- Everything seems, at this
moment, perfect and fine.
Relax.
- As you command, your grace.
- I just wanted to,
Is there, would it be,
Would it feel weird to
just kind of continue on
Next to the pontifex?
- No, not at all.
- Just want to see if there's
Anything i can glean
from their journey, or—
- Yeah, give me a flat charisma check,
And then tell, first, tell me
What you're trying to glean, if anything.
- Well, i think lapin
wants to know more about,
This is a rare opportunity
for him to be in the sort of
Inner circle of the
higher ups of this church,
'cause pontifex, is that,
that's the highest, or—
- Belizabeth brassica
is the heirophant rex
And pontifex of the bulbian church.
She is the f*cking ruler of the church.
She is,
If not arguably as powerful
as the concordant emperor,
You could make an argument
that she's more powerful
Than the concordant
emperor, if you wanted to.
She doesn't command any armies,
But 95 percent of the people
That know how to read work for her.
So that's another way to think about that.
- Okay, well, i want to just, i guess,
Make a charisma check, and maybe
Just see if i can chat
with her at all about
The going ons of her trip here,
And what her day-To-Day—
- Yeah, go for it, absolutely!
- 27.
- Jesus!
What skill were you using?
- Charisma, i thought you said?
- Charisma, how did you get
- 18 and my, oh, i looked
at deception, sorry.
- No worries.
- So that would be 18
plus five, so that's—
- 23, great.
Cool.
You see that she turns to you and says,
Yes, the affairs of brightgarden
Are fine as ever,
It's been very disconcerting,
The main business we've
been trying to deal with
Was the m*rder of an
archbishop in the meatlands.
The archbishop radicca was k*lled, and...
The good lord basha myaso
Has said that he is on the hunt
for the people responsible.
- I hope those who
perpetrated such an act are
Judged by the bulb.
- You see that she says,
The bulb, my good primogen,
shall judge them in due time.
It is my hope that that
time is brought soon.
Primogen alfredi actually
looks at you and says,
I was administering
To some of the common
folk, cersians abroad
In the imperial army.
I was so saddened to hear
that you were attacked
On the sucrosia road coming from candia.
- Yes, it was a horrible thing,
We were attacked, but by
the, you know, a miracle,
No one was k*lled.
- A miracle indeed.
It seems that a miracle may
have been witnessed as well.
The soldiers spoke of a cloud
Of some sort,
Roiling purple mist, of course,
In the fog of combat, no one can say,
Perhaps a trick of alchemy,
Or perhaps these dairy bandits were using
Some sort of witchcraft.
You see the pontifex turns to look at
The primogen and says, witchcraft?
Abroad on an imperial highway?
- Hmm.
- You see primogen alfredi
looks at you and says,
You of course
are a worker of miracles,
Were you able to see,
Was this an intercession
on behalf of the bulb,
Or something darker and more mysterious?
- I believe that this was
the bulb shining down on us
And protecting us in that moment.
There was much going on,
No one knows exactly what was happening,
But it's hard for me to say.
- Go ahead and give me a deception roll.
- 14.
- You see she looks at you and says,
So interesting that
An intercession of the
bulb would take that form,
Something sparkling and
they said, lavender in hue,
Something of a color more like,
Se dice, the, oh, there is a legend
Of something from your
homeland, i believe.
Some false idol.
A plum, sugar plum?
- Oh yes, the sugar plum fairy, yes.
- Yes.
- We, there are,
There's a deep history
in candia of different,
You know, more primitive religions.
- As you do that,
Go ahead and give me a persuasion check.
- You're getting grilled!
- 25.
- Oh!
- You see that she,
Alfredi is like, it's f*cking with you
That you can't see pupils and irises,
You can't see her eyes dilate.
You're not able to read her.
Her expression is very guarded.
You know that she's being playful,
But you don't, it's like,
But upon you saying that
more primitive thing,
You see the pontifex looks
over at you and says,
I am very glad to hear
you say that, primogen.
I trust that, in your
role there as chaplain,
You are counseling the king
and the young princesses
To help stomp out those more
primitive and backwards ways,
I would not wish to see
the good people of candia
Led down the path towards the hungry one.
- Mm, it would never happen in my watch.
- She smiles, and you see
that she actually puts
A dainty hand on your arm,
And takes ahold of your arm,
As to steady her as she walks.
- See you, alfredi!
I wouldn't think he actually said that.
- You walk up,
And you see a beautiful purple skinned,
Green haired fructeran noblewoman.
You see she's probably in her late 30s,
This you would recognize as
the lady plumbeline uvano.
This is the daughter of the emperor,
Who cannot inherit her father's title.
You see, she looks up, she's gorgeous,
She has that little thing of like,
Sort of like hair gel, a
little zig zag of fake sideburn
Gelled on the side of her hair.
Like, a bun, sort of little
fruit things through it,
This very revealing fructeran gown.
- Yes.
She looks over and says,
You see she looks over and says,
Ah, your holiness.
Bends down,
kisses the hand of the pontifex.
My
father is taken very ill.
It is good for us to limit
the amount of visitors he has
At one time.
She nods and says,
Good primogen,
would you remain here
In the waiting chamber while i pay
The church's respects to the emperor?
- Of course.
- You see she walks
inside with plumbeline.
Give me an insight check on plumbeline.
- 21.
- Plumbeline looks pissed.
You can just see, there's
something, she's not thrilled.
- I'm sitting here with her?
- No, she walks in with her,
to her father's bed chamber.
You're there for a few minutes.
It's very short, maybe,
you know, five minutes.
You're there with alfredi,
Who seems wrapped in her own thoughts,
And speaking to sir keradin.
The pontifex walks out,
And smiles, and you see
that she puts a hand
On the shoulder of the lady plumbeline.
She says, i see you are
dressed for the feast.
You have done well to
Remain here by your father's side,
But it's time for you
to go and make merry.
She looks and says,
Your
holiness, this is fructera.
I am dressed for court.
And the pontifex takes
This very subtle sleight,
And walks away with you.
And has a very pleasant chat
with you about some theology,
Matters of history,
She asks how the young
princesses are doing.
But you see that alfredi walks
about 10 paces behind you,
Speaking with sir keradin,
And then so you arrive back
at the cornucopean hall.
- Hmm.
I make, you know,
Bow to the pontifex and say
That i must rejoin the king of candia,
And make sure that everything
is going well with my people.
- I will confide in you, primogen.
The ravening w*r was a strange time.
I myself was only a
bishop when the w*r began,
I was not promoted to archbishop until
The w*r was almost concluded.
Candia's role in the
ravening w*r was great.
The heroics of the house of rocks
Are legendary in all of calorum,
And we all know the love
That the concordant
emperor has for your king.
The ravening w*r was also a strange time.
There was an active miracle worker,
Clearly chosen of the bulb,
From the house of rocks,
And one whom rumors circulated about.
Without saying anything untoward,
It has always been clear to me
That candia had a choice
Of which path it would tread.
And if you'll forgive a joke about you
Being a rabbit,
I have never been more sure
That candia's path is sure footed.
- Hmm.
- You see she nods,
Holds out her hand for you.
- I of course, kisses.
- And she turns to walk away.
You walk back in the hall
After the scuffle with basha myaso,
And i'm gonna say that you guys,
You see that the heralds are getting ready
To announce the grand tournament,
And you can kind of get together,
The tart guard are around.
Lord cruller and lord swirlie are,
They're sort of a little candy crew
Gets around your guys' banquet table.
- I think i want to
tell one of the trusted,
Maybe brie or something,
one of your cheese guys,
To keep an eye on stinky cheese boy.
- Cool, who do you go talk to,
'cause there's annabelle,
there's sir morris brie,
And there is mantaray jack.
- Ah, sh*t, they might
all be f*ck' bad guys,
I don't know who is who.
- I mean, mantaray and sir morris brie—
- I'm gonna talk to,
I will just bring it
up with the chancellor.
- Do you need someone—
- I'm gonna bring it up to lapin.
- Do you need someone to
keep an eye on someone?
- Liam, this is sad.
Run away.
- You see he says,
Ah, i
have already met liam.
Tell me, liam.
I have come to woo the affections of—
- Me?
- I dunk my head in a cask of fruit wine.
- You see thaddeus looks at you and goes,
Look at
her, she dunks her head
Into the barrel of wine.
My love has made her crazy!
- Huh.
Oh, oh!
That, oh, you two!
- You got yourself into this.
- Are you—
- You did this to yourself.
- Can i ask,
Are you into it as well,
Or maybe no?
- What?
- Are you into me as well?
- Oh no, no, i thought maybe you were,
People are constantly
hitting on me, honestly.
It's kind of hard, 'cause i don't want—
- I've
been there, brother!
I tell you!
- My god, you two!
- Yeah.
Anyway, i mean,
I take out a seed, and i
make it bloom into a flower.
Here.
You can give that to her.
It's peppermint.
Catch it!
Catch it.
- Stop
it, you're flirting.
- I'm not flirting, i promise!
- You kind of are.
- I'm not,
i'm not good at talking,
I don't even have any friends.
- I think liam's flirting with him.
- Can i give a help action—
- I'm gonna need you
To roll a persuasion check
With advantage.
- Great, here we go!
- You have such bad charisma!
Okay!
- 12.
- You see he says,
Why don't
you hold your hand still
And let me get that flower,
You little trickster?
- Okay, look, once again,
I'm just trying to help out.
I have no interest in romance,
But i would like to be held.
- You see he's gonna reach out
And attempt to grab it.
He fails to grab it from you, and he goes,
Listen.
What i lack in the ability
to grab that flower,
I have very much of an ability
to grab something else?
- What?
Hard pass!
Hard pass, brother,
But here's the flower!
Then i go get more wine!
- He grabs the flower,
And he comes over to you and he says,
Your
radiant highness, a rose?
- You know what?
I'm actually so horny right now
That i'm gonna—
- Princess jet!
- Just covered in wine.
- Your head's covered in—
- Meet me in the alley, okay?
I'll be right out.
- Oh my god.
- Ah!
I want you to know something.
I am a virgin,
But i can make up for it,
'cause i'm very horny as well.
- I can't wait, i'll go out there,
And i'm gonna actually take
about 30 minutes getting ready,
But i want you to be in the alley.
- I will
wait in the alley all night.
If need be, you take as
much time as you need,
Because i will be there.
Forever.
If someone tries to move
me, i will k*ll them.
This is, as they say, my shot.
- I think all of my reproductive organs
Just shrivel and die.
- Cool.
You see thaddeus says,
Until then, mi amor,
And skips outside.
- I puke into the same cask
That i just put my head in.
- Cool!
- Maybe as everybody's coming together,
I'd like to encourage the king,
Why not have some of our friends
From the dairy kingdom, why
don't we all stand together?
- Sir brie?
- Right, sir.
- M'lady coldbottle, it would be an honor
For the, us from candia to
stand beside our allies.
- You see that they—
- The announcement of the tournament.
- You see that they look around,
And you see that sir brie says,
Aye, that
means a great deal, sir.
Anyone
can make an insight check
That wants to.
- 22.
- 17.
- You look at sir morris brie,
And what you see in his eyes,
In that moment is,
They basically think that because candia,
Which is, you know,
beloved by the emperor,
Because they were attacked by people
That were discovered to be dairy bandits,
They basically were
like, well, we're f*cked.
Everyone thinks we're rats.
- Okay.
- Basically, in his eyes, he was like—
- He looks relieved?
- Yeah, it's like we already
had a 16 year old child
That was going to—
- Yeah.
- Try to, and now there's no shot for her
If everyone thinks that
we tried to f*ck' ice,
It's like, to the whole
world it looks like,
Oh, we tried to ice the first choice guy,
And you see that, when you're
like, let's stand together,
He takes it as a token of good will
To say to all the other kingdoms,
The alliance is still strong,
And you see he looks genuinely touched.
And you guys stand together.
- Is that stilton, or that's—
- That's sir morris brie,
Who's an advisor, and he's a knight
That is an attendant to
the duchess coldbottle.
- Cool.
- Lady coldbottle, have
you ever seen a tournament?
I'm, no, i'm afraid not.
I've never seen anything this grand.
Lacramor, we have,
We'll have a joust,
But because the castle is
built in on the island,
The jousting lane is not that long,
So the ponies, they sort of, you know,
They don't get to charge that long.
- It's our first tourney, too.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- She says,
Oh, it's a
pleasure to meet you as well,
I'm the duchess coldbottle,
your highnesses,
It's a pleasure and an honor.
She bows.
You see that she looks at you, and says,
Oh, i brought these,
And you see she reaches in,
And takes out beautiful
little embroideries
Made out of milk silk,
Which is a liquid fabric
that kind of moves.
And you see that it has
A little candy cane crossed
with a piece of cheese
On a toothpick.
- Oh, my heart!
- And it's just a little embroidery
Made out of this cool
alchemical liquid fabric.
- It's beautiful!
- This is amazing!
- There's one for me, right?
Oh, i'm so embarrassed,
I'm dreadfully sorry!
- Oh!
- No,
that's terrible, i'll—
- Please, no way!
I've just been included on so much,
I thought maybe i just had
a winning streak in me—
- She, you see that yours have
Your house words on them that say
"in sweetness there is strength,"
And you see she says,
Here, this
is my own personal for you.
I'll give you my favor,
If you agree to,
And she sees your crossbow,
Join the
archery competition tomorrow.
Will you fight for me?
- Okay, yeah, definitely!
- She reaches in, takes out
A little milk silk handkerchief,
And you see it has a little
wedge of cheddar cheese on it,
And the house words of
house cheddar, "keep sharp."
- Wow.
- I clap liam on the back hard.
That's my boy!
- Is this underwear?
- I could be—
- No, right?
- It could be.
- Did we bring presents for other people—
- Anyone that wants to,
give me an insight check.
- Yep.
- Absolutely.
- I got a nat one.
- Ooh, i got an eight?
- I'm rolling a lot of ones.
- Just 13.
- Throw that die in the—
- Nine.
- Anyone beat a 15?
No?
- No.
- Wow.
- Oh sh*t.
Can i roll for yak?
- Sure, roll for yak.
- You don't get a help with—
- I did, and i rolled a 10 and a one.
- Oh yeah, i didn't,
I've gotta roll—
- Yak can give you help, yeah.
- Great.
Well, i got a 10.
- Preston, help me out.
Wait, that's an 11.
- I made a sock puppet,
Can the sock puppet give me a help action?
- Okay!
So you see that the heralds,
The trumpets blare,
Announcing the grand tournament
Of the concordant emperor,
Called by his imperial
majesty, gustavo uvano,
First of his name!
Tomorrow shall be feasting and bouts,
Feats of melee and combat,
And a great joust!
You see they continue to
announce the tournament,
They announce the three
boons of the winners
Of these various tournaments.
The winner of the grand melee
Shall receive a boon from
the concordant emperor,
A passing boon at the end of his rule.
They announce that the winner
of the archery competition
Will be given a seat on
the cornucopean council
And made master of arrows
And advisor to the next emperor
For the entirety of their rule.
And they announce that
the winner of the joust
Shall be able to name a candidate
For consideration as emperor
From any class, high born, low born,
The winner of the joust may
name any candidate they wish
For consideration as successor
and concordant emperor.
- Whoa.
- A imperial courier arrives at your side,
Or arrives actually at your side,
And says, sir gumbar,
The concordant emperor has requested
An audience with the king.
- I motion for the king to join us.
- Yeah, what's up—
- I think the emperor would
like an audience with you.
- Oh, fantastic.
Lapin?
- Yes.
- Theobald?
Jet?
- Oh!
- Ruby?
- Yes.
- Liam, you'll come but don't talk.
- That's a soft inclusion.
- Well, let's head over.
- Cool.
First of all, but you guys do see though,
You see calroy and nods,
you guys are going.
- Oh, cal, you'll come too.
- Cal gives you the thumbs up.
Do you guys, do any of you guys
put your names on the lists
For the grand tournament?
- I'll put my name on the archery list.
- Archery please!
And thank you, primsy.
- I'll do the jousting.
- I don't think i could be
good at any of 'em.
- I'd like to do something,
I don't know what i would be good at,
And also, everyone keeps telling me
That i need to know my place better,
So my confidence—
- Jet, do you want to do the tournament?
- Yeah!
- Do the f*ck' tournament!
- Everyone keeps telling me—
- No, i believe in you, i believe in you.
- I mean, it's all sparring,
Nobody's going to get k*lled.
- Jet, i 100 percent believe in you.
- Yeah!
- I don't, should i do jousting?
- What are the—
- Or melee, what is the passing boon?
- Melee!
- A boon is like,
It's like a non-Magical wish.
It's like, i will do anything for you
That is within my power to do.
- Can i make them pass something into law?
- Yeah, theoretically.
- Ah!
- I don't know whether i should
do the melee or the joust.
A joust, i would require a mount, right?
And sprinkle will
probably be busy with you?
- Jet!
Enter the melee with me.
- Okay, dad!
- Let's do it.
- I have a question.
Is duchess coldbottle,
is that the person who,
How old is she?
- She's 16.
She's a year younger than you.
- Oh, cool, cool.
- Annabelle is the other one.
- Yeah, annabelle's off in
a corner, looking forlorn.
You see, and then lapin
doesn't sign up for anything?
- There's nothing, i mean,
Nothing would fit—
- Join the melee.
- You could get in the melee.
- Join the melee.
- But i can't cast spells
in front of these people.
- That's true.
- Can i borrow sprinkle for the melee?
- It would be my honor to—
- What, really?
- Lovely.
- Can i check their little things?
- There's clearly a
thing in the tournament
That unfortunately, familiars and pets
Are not able to come and help.
- Can i have him cheer me on?
- Of course, yes, he'll be
your little cheering section.
- Well, i think it's actually,
It's reasoning it out, i'm not
trying to be a d*ck to you.
Reasoning it out, they
wouldn't let you take
Your dog on your back
when you were in a joust.
But if you wanted to have
your hawk on your shoulder
While you were doing archery,
That makes a little bit more sense.
- Cool.
- But not in the melee or the joust.
- Sure.
- Can i take a closer look
at this piece of silk,
Maybe do an arcana check on it?
- Do an arcana check on it.
- Great.
Oh, i got a 22.
- It's alchemical, but not magical.
- Okay.
- It looks like a sweet
little embroidery that this,
The vibe you get from primsy
Is one of like—
- Sheltered?
- Sheltered, and she wanted
to make an embroidery
For the two cool girls that she would know
That were near her age.
- Can i,
Can i take a piece of wood
And use my rapier to slash,
"the dairy islands rule!" into it,
And give it back to her?
- Yeah, and i'll use my lantern
To burn it a little bit.
- Yeah.
- The—
You give it to her, and she says—
- I say, it's for when you eat al fresco,
It's sort of a place mat.
- You see she looks at it and says,
Right,
this is so charming.
I really appreciate it.
She takes it.
- It's from both of us.
- Yeah.
- It's from me too.
- I'm gonna ask you both to,
I'm gonna ask you guys to
all make charisma checks
With disadvantage, if you'd—
- Oh no!
- Hell yeah.
- Oh, a nine?
- I got a 16.
- 16 as well.
- With disad—
- With disadvantage.
I rolled a 19 and an 18.
- I got a nine.
- So she looks genuinely touched.
- I'm drunk enough to be charismatic.
- Yeah, she actually looks like,
She knows that you didn't
have anything to do with it,
But she looks at you two,
And she is, you can see that
What could have been an insult,
In terms of how hastily it was made,
Instead she's like,
Perhaps
this is what's cool?
- I hatch two seed flowers in my hands
And like, these as well!
- Cool,
you get a couple looks
For doing a little bit of magic.
But it's just seed flower divine stuff,
So it's all groovy.
So you guys sign up on the lists,
And you head off to the food pyramid.
As you arrive at the
great pyramid of food,
You arrive at the little antechamber,
You've been here before,
And you see the lady
plumbeline here as well,
The countess, you see—
- The hot one?
- The hot one, yeah.
Sort of like, again,
purple skin, green hair.
She had a red dress on,
Locket with the symbol
of house uvano on it.
- I just want to say, i stealthed,
So in case we walk by
the alley that thad—
- Oh yeah.
- Give me a stealth check?
- Oh no!
- That's gonna be a 26.
- Hey!
- Primo.
You see him out there,
You see,
He's out there just going like,
All right, this is it.
The big one.
- He was hot when we were younger, right?
- Yeah, when he was a,
Maybe in a few years he'll be hot again?
I don't want to risk it.
- I'm not going to risk—
- No.
- You guys arrive
At the great pyramid of food,
The lady plumbeline looks
at you and says, ah.
You remember, she was like,
Yeah, a teenager.
- Yeah.
- During the ravening w*r.
So you had met her before,
She says,
Ah, your majesty.
- My lady.
- It
is an honor to have you
Once again in comida.
- Quit that!
So good to see you!
- She leans over,
Gives you a kiss on both cheeks, and says,
My father is not well,
And it would be for the
best if we would limit
The amount of visitors.
- Then—
- Guess it's just me and you.
- Theobald?
Lapin, will you join me in the chambers?
- Can i make an insight check on her?
- This is your chance.
- Huh?
- Should i make an insight check—
- Yeah, an insight check, go for it.
- I just want to see if she's mad at us.
- Cool, go for it.
- Ooh.
That is a 24.
- She is not less or more mad than before.
You think she's just mad.
And with a 24 insight check,
You're looking at a brilliant,
beautiful, competent woman
Who has grown up in comida,
Knows the workings of the
empire backward and front,
And can't be empress.
- I want to slip sprinkle
to jet, as we walk away.
I trust you, princess jet.
- I will treat this great steed
With the respect that he deserves.
- I also trust you, princess ruby.
- I will treat
Everything with the
respect that it deserves.
I immediately break something.
- So count liam, of course.
- You guys walk into the
massive, resplendent,
Glorious bed chambers,
And you see a man who's only in his 60s.
Very much in his last few days.
He looks up, he is,
The man you knew was like a
debonair, incredible warrior,
He was a dexterity based warrior,
So he was not a jacked guy,
But there was nobody faster with a bow,
And you knew him, he was a wit,
An incredible diplomat,
an incredible tactician.
You remember the cheer that went up
From your troops when he shot the arrow
That k*lled focaccia,
And you remember that the
first arms around your shoulder
When you saw your sister's body were his.
And the things he told
you there, in quiet,
Meant more to you in that moment
Than you can remember, and
you see a pale reflection
Of that man look up,
A little grape head,
With a little graying mustache.
The purple of his skin faded.
He looks up, and this is the emperor
Of the concordant empire and the architect
Of 20 years of peace.
Ah, amethar.
My old friend.
- My emperor.
- Oh!
I, yes, your emperor.
But i know of those two
titles of friend and emperor,
Which one i am more grateful for.
- Oh, stop!
What was going on, man?
Last time i saw you,
you were still kicking,
What is this?
- Too much
good living, i suppose.
- That sounds about right.
- I suppose
you have already enlisted
In the grand melee.
Trying to cut a few blood
lines short tomorrow
With a blunted sword, eh?
- Ah, stop, stop!
I'm a king now.
Can't do the things i used to do.
- That
is not what i heard,
I heard there are 12 dairy bandits—
- Oh, stop!
- Who might beg to differ.
- Oh, okay, the word's getting 'round?
I mean, i don't hate that.
- He looks at you and says,
And you watch his thoughts wander away.
You had a 24 on that insight, right?
- Yes.
- Plumbeline doesn't look mad right now.
You see that her eyes water a little bit
As she looks at her dad.
Kind of not be present,
And you probably feel the sadness
Of watching someone who's,
In addition to his body,
His mind is starting to go a little bit.
- Can i kneel down and get even closer?
- Yeah, you get really close.
A feeble hand, the hand that k*lled
The imperator of ceresia,
Wraps very dry, no fructeran moisture,
Wraps around your massive hand.
He says,
This is the
moment i have dreaded most.
Not death, you know.
You and me, we are alike.
It does not scare me.
- Never.
- What
lives on scares me, amethar.
This empire works, it runs,
And there are many people,
And his eyes warmly go
over to his daughter,
There are many people who
Will continue to serve to
make sure it runs well.
It does not need
All the cleverness in the world,
All of the skill, or technique.
But it does need a good heart.
Amethar, do you...
If...
If your life were to
take a surprising turn,
If you were asked to
perform a great service
For the people of calorum,
Do you think you would
have it in you to do so?
- For most people, no.
For a man who i watched piss
And sh*t himself,
In the trenches of ceresia,
I will do
What is necessary.
- You see he smiles and says,
That's not fair.
I had them put up a tent,
And you and mantaray jack
lifted the side of the tent—
- Damn right we did!
- Hundreds
of soldiers saw my wiener.
You see he laughs a little bit.
Lady plumbeline raises an eyebrow,
And is kind of over it,
And you see he says,
I'm going
to get you for that.
- Yeah.
- And i think,
After the joust,
When the last candidate i
have to consider is named,
I think i know exactly how
i'm going to get my revenge
On you for that prank.
And i think my prank is
going to last a lot longer.
- I would hit you so hard,
If i didn't think it would k*ll you.
- Guards, help!
You see he smiles and says,
Best of
luck in the melee tomorrow,
And this is the answer i
have most longed to hear.
He squeezes weakly on your hand,
And you and your advisors
step from the room.
The lady plumbeline closes
the door as you step out,
And we will pick up the next day
At the grand tournament.
That's all for this week
on a crown of candy!
- Oh!
- I'm gonna sh**t some stuff!
- Yeah, we're not even
gonna roll initiative.
Yeah, sorry, no rolling initiative.
We'll do that, we'll do that next week.
For the first time in dimension 20,
We'll roll initiative next week.
- What?
- All right, all right.
- It's not a real fight,
it's a f*ck' tournament!
What do you want?
- I don't believe a word of it.
- It's not a real battle.
It's a grand tournament.
- Sure!
- We have boxes for lords and ladies,
The pontifex herself is there.
I'm going
to put you into the dirt.
- Why does everyone want to k*ll amethar?
I'm just a king.
Riding in the chariot,
You guys move past each other.
Liam gets his a little bit closer.
Bam!
- Son of a b*tch!
- Two nat 20s, two nat
- Oh my god!
- Oh, we're all going to die!
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05x03 - Keep Sharp
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.