[whooshing fire crackling]
[suspenseful music]
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[suspenseful music]
[dramatic music]
- Hello, and welcome to
"Dimension 20: Coffin Run,"
Episode Two.
Where we last left our Fang g*ng,
they were-
[group blehhing]
Pause for [blehhing].
[group laughing]
They were embroiled in
combat with a somewhat,
I guess, unknown group,
known as the Anti Vampire
[correcting herself] Anti
Vampires Vampire Club
- You came up with it.
[group laughing]
- Why would I make...
Why would I do that to myself?
The Anti-Vampire
Vampire's Club.
- Vampire's Club.
- It's a club for vampires who...
Actually, you don't know what it is, yeah.
Well...okay.
And this is the enigma wrapped
within a conflict turducken
that we find ourselves in, party!
Where we last left off,
wonderful papa dearest,
Count Dracula himself,
has been torn asunder
by a giant cannon ball
launched from that hand
cart right over there.
You hear a mysterious voice
call out to reload the cannon,
and you see someone hurriedly doing so.
- Sheesh.
- Sheesh, sheesh!
- Sheesh.
- Sheesh.
Now, Wetzel, you are at the
top of the initiative order.
You see Count Dracula's
form crumpled before you.
You notice his eyes are still fluttering.
He says, "The world is going dark."
- Master, no, master!
He spins around and he looks
at the hatchet man and hisses.
And I think his flayed skin kinda moves
like that dinosaur from "Jurassic Park,"
that's like [whirring and hissing].
[more hissing]
And he's gonna make a mad dash for him.
I'm going to use Aftercare Ice Pack?
[group gasping]
- Ice pack?
- You have an ice pack,
which you fling at one
creature within range.
Make a Ranged Spell Attack against target.
On a hit, the target takes
one d10 piercing damage.
Hit or miss, the pack
then explodes the target
and each creature within five feet of it
must make a Saving Dexterity throw.
- Aftercare ice pack?
- Yeah, what's the aftercare?
- I'll explain when you're older.
[group laughing]
- For those especially
rigorous physical endeavors.
All right, roll to hit.
- Cool.
- Need to beat 16.
Oh!
- It's not a fail.
- Oh, it's not.
- Yeah, that scared me a little bit.
So yeah, I think that totally fails.
It's plus three, so 10.
- Yeah, well, it still explodes.
What's the radius on that expl*si*n?
- Oh, five feet.
- [Jasmine] Five feet, okay.
- Creatures within five feet
must succeed on a Dexterity Save.
- Well, you know, I think that really only
is gonna be something that's gonna affect
our boy Razvan here.
- Crates and barrels.
- Yeah, he does have
those crates and barrels.
I'm gonna say that gives
him some advantage on this.
- [Carlos] Oh, yeah.
- What is the DC Saving Throw?
- Yeah, 11.
- 11.
- My Spell Save DC?
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- He beats it with a 16.
So as you throw out
your Aftercare Ice Pack,
that you use for sometimes
when you get bruises and aches,
it explodes,
shattering against all of
those crates and barrels,
knocking them everywhere,
much like the famous store
like on Black Friday.
[group laughing]
- Pier One Imports.
- The deals!
[group laughing]
- Crates and barrels,
wait, write that down.
- Razvan, however, ducks down,
the ice explodes, hitting
the train next to him,
sending splinters of wood everywhere.
But he is unmarred.
It is now his turn.
When you hiss at him, you
notice he hisses back at you.
He looks at you and he
says, "I will slay Dracula."
And his eyes transfix on
you, and then he does this.
[eerie music]
- Oh, don't.
- Oh, I know that look.
- Don't even try.
- I know that look.
- Don't even try it.
- Just like that, he's going
to attempt to charm you.
Make a DC 17 Wisdom Saving Throw.
- Ugh.
- Yikos.
- 6.
- You're in love with him.
- Oh.
- Oh!
- Although you still
are in full possession
of your faculties, you just
view this strange vampire
with the matted hair and this
almost, like, lightning bolt
of silver running through
it as an old friend,
almost as much as you adore Count Dracula.
I mean, it's a second place though,
'cause he is still number one.
- Oh, uh, ooh, so sorry about...
Now I guess he's just
like walking over to him.
- Oh, like in a friendly fashion?
- Yeah, just mm, mm, mm, yeah.
- I mean you see this, and
it is your turn, Squing.
- What the hell is going on here?
[group laughing]
Squing is looking around, sees his father,
his best friend, his confidant,
you know, pickle ball partner, Dracula
[group laughing]
just hole in head.
Squing feels just like horrified
at what's happening around him
and goes into his Form of Dread.
And as a bonus action, I can transform
or manifest an aspect
of my patron's dread.
So I use what this horrifying
image in front of me
and just elongate my features
and become this sort of like dreadful...
You thought I looked weird before,
I look like someone had
like a Photoshop tool
and just pulled it.
[group laughing]
- You're being un-yassified.
[group laughing]
You're being nah-ssified.
- I'm un-yazified.
- Nah-ssified.
- I am nah-ssified now,
form of nah-ssfication complete.
[group laughing]
Squing is ready.
Can I make a check to see,
like I see this guy, these two people.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, give
me a perception check.
- Oh, not good, 13, or
I have a negative one.
- Yeah, no, that is still pretty good.
Those two aren't the only vampires.
The thing you perceive is that Razvan
when giving out orders
from behind cover there
and kind of leveeing his own weapon
kind of in Dracula's general direction,
you understand two things very quickly
about this battle scenario.
He's issuing orders to
more than one person.
There's multiple people here,
over more than the two that you see,
and that he is very
intent on k*lling Dracula
and probably no one else in your party.
- Okay, uht-oh, uht-oh. [chuckling]
I'm going to I think pretty immediately...
grab...
I wanna try to grab...
Is Dracula in the coffin?
- No, he took the hit like
kind of from the side there.
You can kind of see where
there's a line of sight.
He took the hit, the coffin
kind of got knocked over
by the cannonball that
has since rolled behind
this coal cart and fallen on the tracks,
and he has slumped back over
the now fallen over coffin.
Like the sheer force of it-
- [ Zac] Got it.
- [Jasmine] Blew a hole in
his chest and knocked him back
and it knocked the coffin over and closed.
- Oh, lord, drat, uht-oh,
uht-oh. [chuckling]
- Who's Otto?
- Uht-oh.
[group laughing]
It's sort of like an
expression I said wrong.
I'm, uh-oh.
- Toe.
- Toe.
- I think-
- Oh.
- Squing is going, uht-oh, is going to-
- Is this like a Scooby-do, like ruh-roh?
You keep doing uht-oh, uht-oh.
- Uht-oh!
- Squing is going to
cast Summon Lesser Demon
to bring back Zarb to me!
[Isabella gasps]
And it says that you utter foul words,
summoning one demon of your choice.
So, Zarb, my trusty little demon comes
and my foul words are
uht-oh, sh*t, f*ck, no.
[Erika laughing]
And Zarb appears next to me.
- Squing and Zarb.
- Squing and Zarb.
- Classic, name a more
iconic duo, I'll wait.
[group laughing]
- As you say this, you see
you're already elongated head
almost elongate further,
forming this large tumor-like shape.
Then it separates and falls down.
- Aleks wants to cut
a sample of it so bad.
- This only A*DS its quick expulsion.
It falls on the ground
and quickly takes the form
of this four-legged
beast with multiple eyes,
and it looks up at you like [panting].
- [Zac] Yes.
- Hi.
- Beautiful like me.
Now, let's get this-
- What is your bidding, master?
- Zarb is-
- I'll do whatever you want.
- Okay, Zarb, but I mean, let's get going.
- Let's get going!
- What do you need Zarb to do?
Zarb will do it.
- Zarb, I wanna send Zarb...
Give Zarb the Pact of the
Talisman to take to...
Can I do that?
I don't know if it's an action
to give my Pact of the
Talisman to someone.
- No, that would be a minor action.
Yeah, it's inconsequential.
- I pull out like this disgusting fish.
- Yeah, I got it.
- And hand it to Zarb.
Give it to the idiot over there.
- [Zarb] Zarb's not gonna eat this.
- Zarb?
- Yeah?
- It's a pretty serious situation here.
- Oh!
- It's like bad.
Look over there.
- Oh!
- It sucks.
- That's yucky.
- Disgusting.
- That is really yucky.
- Bad, definitely bad.
Listen, take that over there to that one.
- [Zarb] Okay.
- I'm gonna grab Count Dracula
and pull him behind this column,
try to get outta the line of sight.
- Yeah, that's pretty smart.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Zarb?
- Yeah?
- Focus up, gonna really need
you to give that man a fish.
- I'm not gonna let you down.
- Okay.
- I'm not gonna eat the fish.
- Are you gonna eat the fish?
[group laughing]
Zarb?
- Roll Animal Handling with advantage.
- Speak, speak.
Nat 20.
- Nat 20!
[group cheering]
- Don't eat the fish!
Don't eat the fish, Zarb!
- I'm not gonna get the
fish, and you know what?
I'm gonna do that
and I'm gonna do something
else you asked me to do.
- Okay.
- 'Cause I have that much
faith in my abilities
and in your nat 20, I'll do
that and I'll do something else.
What else you want me to do?
- Jasmine's gone.
Zarb's the DM.
- Zarb, run over there.
- Is Zarb aware that
we're playing a game, too?
[group laughing]
- Zarb is looking up at the sky.
- Zarb has meta game knowledge.
- I'm gonna have Zarb go that way,
give Wetzel the fish.
But also before, as he, just to...
I think just give a Bite Attack to Wetzel,
to see if that evokes any
sort of like Wisdom Save
or something like that.
- Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.
- And then if he's within five feet of,
I don't know if they're
next to each other yet,
maybe Claw 'cause he has his multi-attack.
- Oh yeah, because Wetzel moved over here.
- [Zac] Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- [Jasmine] Let's move you here.
- So just go between them.
Yeah, he's going to-
- [Isabella] He looks like a monkey.
- He's a demon.
- I think he's going to claw
the Anti-Vampire Vampire
and then bite Wetzel.
- [Jasmine] 5, 10, wait, no.
- [Zac] If there's enough room.
- [Jasmine] 5, 10, 15, 20.
[Jasmine] He can actually
get behind Wetzel.
- [Zac] Oh, okay.
- [Jasmine] But he's gonna,
especially climbing over,
this is gonna take extra movement.
- Copy that, okay.
But if he can hit Wetzel, then
maybe he'll just hit Wetzel.
- Yeah, he can hit Wetzel.
Okay, so he takes your talisman,
this dead, rotting fish, oozing.
- It's just been in my like
silk shirt this whole time.
[squelching] Take it.
- Takes it in his mouth, walks over,
and extends his tongue almost like an arm
with the fish in it, wrapping
it around Wetzel's neck.
And when he comes back, you
are not only covered in saliva,
but you see a dead fish
talisman now around your neck.
And then unceremoniously
he goes, chop chop,
and he bites your a*s.
[Carlos gasps]
- So that will be a...
I'll roll an attack for that.
It is...
Oh no.
- Oh no.
- Oh no.
- Oh no.
- Oh no.
- To hit, I don't know what I...
- [Carlos] It's probably my armor class.
Oh, it's plus three,
so I only rolled a 7.
- 14.
- But it's a multi-attack.
Can I attack again?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Yay.
- So I'll do the claw.
That will hit.
- Yay!
- That's a 22 to hit.
And so that's two d4 damage, I'm sorry.
- No, do it.
- One.
- Ooh!
- And four, so five damage to Wetzel.
- As you see Zarb come over to you,
he grabs onto the back of your cloak,
kind of narrowly missing
your rear quarters,
but then follows up with two Claw attacks.
Most of them hit.
You feel as like this pain
sears through your body,
you only feel more allegiance to Razvan.
- Oh!
- Because it is only-
- Uht-oh, sh*t, f*ck!
[group laughing]
- Because with vampiric charms,
the only damage that counts
is from the vampire and his companions.
- Oh!
- Oh!
- It's okay, now you know.
- Oh.
- Zarb explains that to me. [laughing]
- [Jasmine] Yeah, yeah, yeah, Zarb's like,
I don't really know why
you wanted me to come,
but here I am.
- What the motherfuck?
- But you still have
the Pact of the Talisman
just in case, right?
- Gotcha.
- So that will let you add a d4
when you fail an ability check.
- Oh, I can add a d4 to my ability checks?
- Yeah, whenever your talisman
fails an ability check,
they can add a d4 to the roll.
Oh, so this might not actually
help with saving throws.
Oh well, you have that. [chuckling]
And then I guess, sorry, I
have the longest turn ever.
- Yeah, you were gonna take Dracula's body
and put it behind this, yeah.
- Yes.
- [Jasmine] This is easy for you to do.
- [Zac] Yeah, pull him behind that.
- Perfect.
- Cool.
- So, he is now under full cover.
All right, so you all
see Zarb kind of attack
poor Wetzel's rear quarters.
Wetzel looks probably
really confused [chuckling]
while this is happening.
[Carlos groaning]
And then you see Squing
grab the incapacitated body
of Count Dracula and hide
him behind this coffin.
It is now the cannon player's turn.
They are going to attempt
to re-arm the cannon
and sh**t at you.
Y'all, I rolled a 2.
- Good.
- Oh!
- Good.
- How's it feel?
- Oh my gosh, so I'm gonna
pick a random direction.
Yeah, so the cannonball goes flying wide,
kind of battering the
front part of the train,
and then getting deflected off-camera.
It doesn't hit any of you.
You hear Razvan call out,
"Kieran, you must recalibrate
the sights on the cannon."
And you hear her call back,
"It's not exactly easy to do,"
angrily kind of readjusting it.
It is your turn, Sasha.
- Sparky, sparky! [chuckling]
Aleks turns on a flame thrower
and directs it at Razvan,
and very well may hit Wetzel as well.
- Oh no!
- So, it's 60 feet.
- Okay, so is it a 10-foot radius?
- It's 5.
- 5, okay,
so you can actually avoid
hitting Wetzel altogether.
- Yeah.
- Nice.
- [Isabella] Great.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, because there's actually
some space between them.
Perfect.
- Cool.
- [Jasmine] All right, so you
turn on your flame thrower.
- This is one of my favorite inventions.
- Flames come spilling out of it,
somehow kind of arcing up
and over your head, Wetzel,
falling down on Razvan.
Does he make a Dex Save?
- 16.
- He rolled a nat 20. - Oh!
[Erika gasping]
I have really good rolls
and really bad ones.
You see him once again take the lid off
of one of these barrels, lift it up,
and for the time being, we
don't know about next turn,
block himself from these flames.
- Is he in the flame
on the end of his turn?
- Yes.
- He gets half damage.
- Perfect, amazing.
Go ahead and roll damage.
- This guy's like an expert at barrels.
- 6 plus 5, that's 11, halved is 6?
- It's fire damage.
He should have taken double from fire.
- Because he's a vampire.
So, he should just take
- He should just take 11, yeah,
'cause he was gonna take half
'cause he made the saving throw,
but he takes double,
so he takes the full 11, okay.
So, it is 11 points of damage.
- Sick, okay, yes.
I should write that down.
It stays on,
and whenever someone ends
their turn in the flame,
they take either full or half damage.
- Amazing.
- And could I potentially,
as like my movement,
take out a healing elixir
and spend a Spell Slot?
I could spend the Spell Slot next round.
- Okay, I see what you're saying.
- [Isabella] But I just wanna get it out.
- Perfect, got you, got you, yeah.
So you can go ahead and you
ready your next healing elixir
after sending this bout
of fire towards Razvan.
- It's still on.
- Yeah, you can see him trying
to kind of shield himself
from these flames,
but he is still getting
singed on the sides of him.
You see his crazy hair kind of starting
to turn into ash and lift up,
and he is doing his best
to kind of protect himself
from this onslaught.
From behind you, you see this
old couple in the doorway.
And behind them, you see a man.
This will symbolize.
[Isabella laughing]
- [Zac] Oh, sweet.
- [Jasmine] But he is
still on fire, amazing.
- Oh!
- Yes.
You see this portly man
with a giant standard
with the abbreviation of the
Anti Vampire Vampire Society.
- [Isabella] Oh no, I thought it would be-
- [Carlos] The AVVC is here.
- And he calls out, "We're in rot, Razvan.
Percival, the ever-penitent,
shall save thee."
And he throws from his pocket a flask.
It explodes on all of you.
- Oh, no.
- Spraying holy water everywhere.
- Ah!
- Oh.
Including onto Dracula's prone form
where he won't be able
to make the Dex Save.
Everyone else, give me a dex save.
- Does holy water affect people?
- No, you just get a
gentle shower. [laughing]
- You're gonna get wet.
- 16.
- I stopped believing in God long ago.
- 18.
- 18, so it's like half.
- 17.
- 17, so both of you take half
and then Dracula will
take the full brunt of it.
- Wasn't quite in the splash zone.
- Um, it's only 10 damage.
- Still not great.
- I didn't say this earlier,
but when I went into my Form of Dread,
I rolled for my extra HP and I got 17.
- Oh, perfect, nice.
- Wow.
- So now I'm plus seven.
- Beautiful.
- Yeah, the water burns,
but both of you are able to
deftly step out of the way
as this blast explodes,
spraying this, for you,
gentle, kind of undulating
water everywhere.
You see Dracula's flesh
begin to chip away,
and as it does and kind
of sizzle as it does,
he says, "Put me in the coffin."
- What kind of damage is the holy water?
- It would be radiant.
- Radiant damage, okay.
- So does that mean I take double?
- Yeah.
- Oh yes!
Vampires take double damage from radiant.
- Ooh, all right, okay.
- So I took 20 instead.
- So I take 20.
- Can I cast Energy
Redirection on other people?
- Let's see, actually
that's a very good question.
- That's wild.
- It's one reaction, your reaction's open.
You can redirect incoming energy,
lessening its effect on you
and storing it for your next Melee Attack.
You know what?
We could totally say that this hits you,
it doesn't even hurt you,
and instead you're able to store it
and you can deal the
same 11 radiant damage
on your next turn.
- It was I took 20 because I took doubles.
So I have half the save.
- Oh, it was 10.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
So yeah, normally-
- Does radiant damage count?
- Normally, you wouldn't
take damage from this,
but I really like this idea.
So I like the idea that you're able
to not only not take
damage from this water,
but collect some of it in a flask
to use it against someone.
- I have a crazy tube
that collects-
- [ Jasmine] Yes, yes, yes.
- So, hold on.
Okay, I've got a flame coming out of a jet
and I've got an open bottle
[chuckling] that sucks it in.
- Amazing, yeah.
So on your next turn,
you can 100% use that radiant damage
against one of these other targets.
- Sick.
- So, you're able to
suction in this holy water.
Not only does it do damage,
you're able to collect it
in your weird thing-a-ma-jiggy.
- Energy suction tube.
- It's like a steel suit, right?
Where it's like it
absorbs all of the stuff
that you get that get hit with.
- Of course, of whatever you said.
- And you'll be able to
save that on your turn
to unleash it on another enemy.
- Does it halve their damage?
- I don't think you can with that spell.
- Oh, okay.
- [Jasmine] I think you
can with other ones.
- Okay.
- Yeah.
I think you have protection
from energy as well,
but the redirect one works
a little differently.
- It's like self versus.
- Yeah.
So, yeah, you're able
to harness some of this
to use on your next turn.
You see all of this happen, May.
What do you do?
And you hear Dracula say
like as the water falls in,
"Put me in the coffin."
- Sweetie, you okay?
- No, no.
- The guy has a hole.
- As there's a whole
missing half of his body.
- [Isabella] Half of his head, too.
- You doing all right, sweetie?
He just needs a nap.
- He's tired.
- [Izzy] Probably a nap.
- He's tired, a long trip
and that unfortunate little
incident with the cannonball.
All right, so I'm gonna
move up a little bit.
Or no, I'm gonna stay there.
I reach out and a shadowy
taloned hand shoots forth
and Vampiric Grasp, which
is a reskinned Mage Hand
goes into the engine car
to start the train.
- Oh!
- You m*therf*cker.
[Isabella laughing]
- Start the train.
- You know what?
I love that.
- Start the train.
- What?
- Start the train!
- Choo choo!
- Uht-oh.
- Uht-oh.
- All right.
Okay, give me an intelligence check
to see if you could figure
out how to start it.
- Flash of Genius plus 5.
- Ooh!
- Yes!
Okay.
[eerie music]
- The train begins to start.
- Yes, start!
Chug-a-chugga, chug-a-chugga.
- Did I do it?
- There we go.
[group screaming]
- I think it's actually gonna move.
I think it's gonna move.
- It is actually gonna move,
so we gotta stop.
- Wait, okay, okay.
Later I have to take
a video for my nephew.
He loves trains.
- Choo-choo!
- You better watch out, m*therf*cker.
- The train begins to start.
[Erika laughing]
- We have toys!
- Oh!
- They made us toys.
- I didn't think anybody
was actually gonna think
to do this, and yet here we are.
God bless your beautiful
mind, Erika Ishii!
- If there is toys on the
b*ttlefield to play with,
I will toy with them.
- All right.
So, your magical sort of psionic power
conjures this shadowy taloned hand.
It goes into the train compartment.
We know nothing about how trains work,
and we don't care and neither should you.
- Put the coal in the fire.
- Exactly, the train starts.
The railway workers all begin to panic,
not really understand
anything of what is going on
because there are cannonballs going off,
there's some kind of strange unauthorized-
- I hope your union
covers this! [laughing]
- Some kind of strange handcart,
unsanctioned handcart on the tracks.
That's not OSHA.
[group laughing]
And the train begins to move.
They all actually move on
the same initiative order.
So you begin to see people
starting to move and leave.
They don't wanna be here.
They're normal people.
One person goes behind the
counter and takes cover.
These guys kind of get jammed in the door
because they're all trying
to push past each other.
This person is trying to stop
the train and jump onto it.
This person is shouting
orders at other people.
This person is pretending
they're still on their smoke break,
union mandated smoke break.
- Union mandated smoke break.
- Union rules.
- Yeah, he's not having
any part of this nonsense.
This old couple wedges
themself further in the door
to see what all the ruckus is about.
And the train moves.
Let's see, so that's gonna be 5, 10,
- This is gonna be fun to sh**t.
- 30!
- Oh my god.
- My fruits!
[group laughing]
- Who was the lady from
"Beauty and the Beast"
who was like, "I have six eggs."
- I need six eggs!
- That's her.
- The train slowly
starts to groan forward,
kind of picking up a full head of steam,
but it's not quite there yet.
You notice the person on the
handcart begins to panic,
seeing what is about to happen to them.
- Choo-choo, m*therf*cker!
- Choo-choo, b*tch.
- Uht-oh.
- Uht-oh, choo-choo.
- Wetzel, it is your turn.
- What is it-
- I'm actually going to,
as somebody-
- Oh, yeah, sorry.
Is it a full move into or a
full action to grab somebody,
grab one of the union
workers as they're going by?
'Cause I will use Quicken Spell on that,
on the mange hand in order to grab it.
- Yeah, of course, yeah.
- Yeah, so I'll use Quicken
Spell on the mange hand,
so that's bonus action.
- You could grab this worker right here.
- So I grab this guy by his
blue kerchief, and I pull him,
and I'm like, "Sorry,
I need to borrow this."
And then I [crunching] bite into his neck.
- Oh!
- All right!
Roll your Bite Attack.
- All right, which is one d4 plus 2.
Oh wait, no.
- That's the damage.
- Plus 5.
- Mm-hmm.
Just need to beat a 12.
- 17.
- Yeah, you beat it.
You are able to grab him
and bite into his neck.
You hear him say, as your fangs sink in,
"We got to second base so quickly."
[group laughing]
- It doesn't mean anything!
And then I get-
- Poor Dracula.
- And this is probably a good
time to do a blood token.
- Explain the blood pool dice
thing that I came up with,
that when our players
succeed on a Melee Attack,
they can choose to drink
from their opponent
if they're a vampire.
They get to roll one d4 plus 2
to determine what their blood
pool die is going to be.
They can amass up to an
amount of 10 blood points
before they're absolutely full
and they could not possibly
engorge themselves any further.
And they can expend
these to heal themselves
and recover spell slots,
because our vampires don't get to enjoy
the benefits of long rest.
Rest is something we'll
get to later for you.
It's not pleasant.
Anyways.
- Oh!
- f*ck' badass m*therf*cker,
coming up with f*ck' sh*t.
- I got 3.
[Jasmine laughing]
Coming up with f*ck' sh*t.
- I love you, Izzy. [laughs]
- I love you.
- Hey!
- Amazing,
so you are able to slake
some of your thirst.
The man begins to get a little pale,
but you know, he'll probably
just need like a snack.
He's not gonna die.
- I slip him a sugar cookie from my purse.
- You just have them ready!
- Just showing him a little thigh.
- I slip him a little
sugar from under my dress.
[group laughing]
- He is in heaven.
You are the most beautiful
creature he's ever laid eyes on,
and he's just like, "Oh,
thank you for choosing me.
Can I write a letter to you later?"
- Um, you know, I'll reach out.
- Oh no, you see his face
kind of begin to become crestfallen.
- I know that what that means.
- And does that conclude your turn?
- It does, thank you.
- Amazing.
All right, then you hear
from somewhere in the back,
you don't see them yet, another voice,
a woman's voice call out,
"I'll cover the exits."
- g*dd*mn it.
- And the we are back at the top.
Wetzel, you see the train groan forward.
You see the crowd begin to move around.
Pandemonium and screams
are starting to come
from this otherwise
peaceful railroad station.
This is a brand new train,
has been hit by a cannonball and is now...
What do you do?
- What's Wetzel's state of mind
after being kinda hypnotized by this guy?
- Somebody's trying to
set your cool friend,
Razvan, on fire.
- But I'm also not angry at this guy.
- No, you think he's your buddy.
You're also not angry at
your friends though either.
- Okay, I'm just like,
hey, man, what's the deal?
- To Razvan?
- Yeah,
to the dude in the front of
the barrel full of crackers.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, yeah, he turns to you
and he says-
- cr*cker Barrel?
[group laughing]
Y'all, we made a Crate & Barrel reference,
and now we made a
cr*cker Barrel reference.
- cr*cker crate [mumbling].
- You hear him in your mind.
- Oh!
- Really.
And you kind of notice
that like he feels fear,
like a lot of fear of this fire.
And he says to you, he says,
"This is just a misunderstanding.
Oh, they're trying to destroy me, Wetzel.
Please buy me some time
so I can extricate myself
from this situation."
- [sighing] Can I roll to see if-
- Make a Wisdom Save.
- Yeah, let's do that.
- To see if you remain charmed.
- Flash of Genius plus 5.
- Okay, cool, 24.
- Yeah, you are able to snap to it.
You realize you don't know this man.
You don't know anything about him.
He's not your friend.
He was never your friend.
- I don't know you,
hatchet face, ugly-looking,
uht-oh f*ck.
- Oh my good lords.
- Uht-oh.
- Uht-oh.
- Uht-oh!
- And I'm going to throw
some hydraulic fluid on him.
So, I extend my metal hand
towards a creature I can see within range
and project a stream of
hydraulic fluid from my palm.
He must succeed on a
Constitution Saving throw.
- All right, so he's gonna go ahead
and roll his Constitution Saving throw.
- Hydralonic acid.
- A 9.
- A 9, okay, he's gotta be-
- Hyaluronic acid.
- He's gotta beat an 11.
- So he fails.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, you hear the
mechanisms in your arm
kind of like click into place,
and as they do, this
strange pneumatic fluid
comes flying out of the palm of your hand.
- Cool, let's do it.
That was a really long one.
- I know.
- Wait, is that a 12?
- That's a d12.
- Yeah, it's one d12.
- Oh.
Wow, that's your-
- Yeah.
It's a 1 d12 of poison damage.
- Amazing.
- So he takes 5.
- He takes 5.
- Wait, was that my second reaction?
Did I do a second reaction?
Has it been another round?
Is this a new round, 'cause of Wetzel?
- This is the top of the round.
- Great.
- [Jasmine] So you do have a reaction.
So you were able to-
- No, I just used it.
- Do both, yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, I think we did still do two
because you did the redirect element
and then you did the Flash of Genius.
- Oh f*ck, I'm sorry.
- But that's okay.
This hydraulic fluid splashes over him,
and you hear him say, "Egads."
[group laughing]
- Egads, egads?
- Uht-oh.
- I thought it was a tough guy.
- I worked a really long time on this.
I thought you'd be screaming in terror,
maybe running for cover.
Egads, that's just like
you spilled chocolate milk
on the table or something.
I'm taking a bonus action
to disengage with him.
Oh, whatever.
- Okay, yeah, where do you go?
- I'm just gonna back up a little.
- Okay, perfect.
Like here?
- Yeah.
- Awesome.
All right, so you go ahead and spray him
with this hydraulic fluid
and then you go ahead and
disengage and move back.
It is now Razvan's turn.
He is going to turn into a cloud of mist.
- m*therf*cker.
- What the crap?
- Egads.
- A cloud of mist?
A cloud of mist with a brain?
- It depends.
- As he says, "Egads."
- [Carlos] Egads.
- [Jasmine] He transforms
into a cloud of mist.
- That b*tch is a swirly.
- He was obviously casting a spell.
- It looks like in a cartoon
when someone goes, choo,
and just disappears.
- And there is just left a...
- He can move up to 20 feet.
So that's 10.
And then we'll do 15.
I have to eyeball this, 20.
And he hops on the moving train
as a sort of like fluttering cloud.
You can see his face in it.
The cloud also has like dark edges
and it still has that shock of white
kind of going through the
middle as he floats up.
- So if the train's moving
at 10 miles an hour,
let's say, increasing in speed,
when this bad guy get on the train-
- Oh my god, I never thought
I'd have to take the SATs again.
- One train leaves
Transylvania at 3:00 p.m.
A handcart is approaching it.
- Well, if each round is only like, what,
six seconds or something like that?
[group laughing]
- We're not doing this.
- The train has moved like that.
- Yeah, it's just like done that.
- Right.
- Oh my god.
- [Erika] It's like if we
account for acceleration, too.
- So has he really gone
further than the train?
- Does anyone have an almanac,
we can look up wind direction?
- Is there a physical coffin
that I can crawl into myself?
- Under your table.
- As you say this, Squing,
you see Dracula's physical coffin
like kind of sitting
unoccupied at your feet.
- Okay, Squing looks around
and sees the train going by,
people behind him, I think it's time.
Okay, everything's fine, you're fine.
Nothing's wrong.
And just trying to put the
Count back into his coffin.
- Yeah, you're able to do so with ease.
Go ahead and remove this
rather disturbing figure
and assume that he is in here.
- And I got him in the coffin.
Would that be an action
or is it a minor action?
- I would say that'd be a bonus action.
- Bonus action, cool.
And then let me...
Do you mind if I stand up?
He's right here, this person right here,
there's this person.
Do they have to load the
cannon or anything again?
Or are they good?
- Last you saw, they're
able to load it and aim it,
depending on the roll.
- Okay, cool.
I think since this man, the guy...
You know what it is?
I think I'm gonna go,
since I don't see Drago anywhere, right?
Maybe we could get the-
- You do know that Drago
is on the other side,
awaiting you all.
When you came in, we did remove the walls.
But I do want, just for your
reference, for y'all to know-
- There's a building.
- There are windows
and there are doors.
So, I just want you to
have that information.
So you could actually, probably
with where you're standing,
see him through these two
glass doors on the far end.
- Now I kinda wanna make a Strength check
to try to get the coffin over there.
- Yeah, go for it.
Actually, what's your Strength modifier?
- Strength modifier is only plus 1.
- That's enough to drag the coffin.
You'd mostly be rolling
to see how far and how
fast you could take it.
- Okay, I have the mobile
feat, so I have 10 on top.
I have 10 extra feet.
And also, when I use a dash action,
I don't know if this
would be considered a dash
when I'm pulling the thing,
difficult terrain doesn't
cost me extra movement.
- We'll take this as difficult terrain.
So go ahead and roll athletics for me.
- Hmm, great, that will be awesome.
It'll definitely be good, 8.
- 8, okay.
[group laughing]
So you're still able to drag it.
Normally you would have been able
to move your full movement,
dragging the coffin behind you.
In this case, we're gonna make it half
just 'cause I think that's kind of fair.
All right, so you said your
movement speed was 30 feet.
- 45.
- 45 feet?
- Oh, wow.
- Because of the mobile feet.
- Okay, yeah, so you're able to move it.
We're not gonna do halfs here.
- We'll do 2.5.
- Yeah, 22 point...
We'll say 20 feet.
- Okay.
- [Jasmine] So, go ahead,
and like which direction do you wanna go?
There's an elderly couple
here that may provide...
There is some-
- Absolutely plowing through
the elderly couple.
[Jasmine laughing]
Get out of my way.
I bump them with my butt.
- You have daddy.
- 5, 10.
- I have the daddy box.
- 15, 20.
That would place you between Percival
and the elderly couple, is that okay?
- I mean, I generally have
to go that way anyway,
so I think I'm gonna go that way.
And then I'm gonna ask Zarb to come in
and play interference on Percival,
and see if Zarb can reach.
- Zarb's speed, was it, I think 20 feet?
- [Zac] It is not as good
as I would like, I'm sure.
- All right, so here's what happens.
You move forward kind of plowing your way
through this couple.
Normally, this would have been a check,
but we're gonna say Zarb comes in
and just like completely unhinges his jaw
and scares the ever
living crap out of them.
You see this old woman clutch her chest
and sit down on this bench.
- Oh, she's dead.
- And the old man [laughing]...
- I'm dying.
- And you see the old man
kind of like just grab his hat
and go running in the opposite direction,
leaving his wife.
- Goodbye, wife.
Goodbye, wife I have known forever.
- Absolutely challenging imagery.
Takes that personal.
- If you're old, then so am I.
- And Zarb A*DS you.
You also see Zarb grab the
other end of the coffin,
in an attempt to try to help you.
- Too short, you're too
short for this, but.
- I'm gonna try to help,
I'm gonna do my best.
- Yes, definitely hold it higher.
We're different.
- Too short.
- I'm very tall.
- Do you want me to
scare that woman again?
- Blow the whistle.
- You know what?
That's fine. [chuckling]
And then I'm just gonna
stare down Percival, and say,
"Out of my way."
- Ooh, make an intimidation check.
You are in your Form of Dread, correct?
- Yes.
You know what's going on here?
[group laughing]
- You know what's going on here?
- Wait, wait one sec.
Oh, I have a plus 4 to this, 13.
- Let's see, let's see what he gets.
Oh my gosh.
- No.
- He looks you dead in
your eyes and he says,
"I shall slay thee, foul
beast of the night."
- What, what?
Correct me if I'm wrong,
but you're a foul beast of the night.
- No, I am reborn.
- He's a self-hating vampire.
- I'm just gonna be, yeah,
in the way of Percival.
- Yeah, um...
- And I don't know if it's too much.
- They're having a stare-off.
- Drago!
Just scream that.
- Yeah, you call Drago.
You see him through the door,
kind of like he's sitting
there kind of smoking.
- Smoking?
- You feel like
he's been looking into something?
Like maybe a hand mirror,
you're not quite sure.
- Oh!
- Aw!
- And you see him, like...
You see him see you kind of
dragging the coffin behind you.
He's actually gonna hop down
and try to help you on his turn.
And with that-
- [Carlos] Percival.
- It is our cannonball artillerist's turn.
She sees the train starting
to chug towards her
and she tries one last
desperate attempt to sh**t at...
Oh, she would not have line of sight.
I guess to sh**t the train
so that it prevents her
from getting run over.
'Cause you need two people
to man that handcart.
[group laughing]
She hits, let's see if the train-
- How much HP does the train have?
- I was gonna say it has
- I have more HP than a damn train?
- Well, the engine compartment,
yeah, like up front,
'cause she is hitting at
like point blank range.
It is a cannonball.
- She can take out something on the side
and it would slow it down
or something like that.
- Her attempt is not
to break it completely,
but to just try to like get
it to stop moving towards her.
Dealing 15 points of damage.
Yes, you guys probably don't
wanna get hit by a cannonball.
- [Isabella] Nope.
- The train begins.
It's still moving, but
its speed is now halved.
- Okay.
- Copy that.
- Copy that.
- Yeah, you hear people
kind of like shrieking
and despairing in the streets.
This is a shiny new train,
the first of its kind
to come to this small
little village of Fagari,
is now being completely hammered
by this giant cannonball.
You see her attempt to try
to back up the handcart.
But once again, there's
only one person on it.
[group laughing]
It's very difficult, very lonely work.
- Rush to the other side,
then rush to the other side.
[group laughing]
Then rush to the other side,
then rush to the other side.
- Yeah, not the easiest thing to do.
It is your turn, Aleksandr.
- As my action.
Oh f*ck, he's gone.
- Oh f*ck.
- Dracula is over there.
I was gonna give a healing
elixir to Dracula, but he's gone.
He's in the doorway.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, he's right here.
- He's in the thing,
but we're all near this.
- You can like while
they're carrying the coffin,
pop open the lid.
- I would like to...
- Fire in the hole!
- Could I bonus action?
I'm just gonna move my flame thrower
to the direction of Razvan there.
- Yeah.
Cause it's got a range of 60 feet,
so you could ostensibly do that, yeah.
- Okay, I would like to do that.
- [Jasmine] All right.
- He has to make a Dex Save.
- Yeah, I don't think he gets any bonuses
when trying to avoid
this flame thrower blast
to target this strange kind
of wispy mist creature.
He's going to make a Dex
Save and attempt to avoid it.
Oh my gosh, I got a 5.
- Oh, thank god.
Okay, so it's 4 d6 plus 5.
- Amazing, go ahead and roll damage.
- 15 plus 6 is 21 plus 5, is 26.
- Oh wow.
- 26 doubled?
- No, no, 26 is doubled.
- It is doubled, amazing.
He takes 26 points of damage.
- As a damn cloud.
- Yeah.
You see the cloud begin to turn
into this strange wretched vapor.
It smells awful.
It smells like ozone
almost, unnatural, fetid.
And you hear him shriek out like, "Ah."
- Who beefed?
- In pain.
- Could I then,
'cause I have an action,
go to where Dracula is?
But would I be slowing you guys down
if I were to give him
like a healing elixir?
- I think if you were
in there, it would help,
but I don't know if-
- Yeah, I mean, you would see-
- You might be kind of safer in there.
- Yeah, you would see Percival
blocking the way for Squing,
so you could-
- So I could go in there
to help as well.
- You could help, yeah.
And if you make a Melee Attack,
you do have that radiant damage
at your disposal as well.
- That's true.
Could I, as my action, just
open the coffin a little bit
and expend a Spell Slot
to give daddy some juicy.
- Yeah, definitely, of course.
So yeah, you have the movement to do that.
This is gonna count as difficult terrain
just 'cause it's a very crowded doorway.
What's your movement speed?
- 30 feet.
- Yeah, you can just barely
make it on top of the coffin.
Yeah, you could easily pry it
open and give him something,
give him a little nip of something.
- So, they get 2 d4 plus
my intelligence modifier.
- Amazing.
- He gets 10 hit points back.
- 10 hit points.
Not gonna lie, really
happy someone did that.
- Great.
- Good, good, good.
- 'Cause he didn't have any left.
- Okay, fantastic.
- I was doing some rapid
rewriting in my head.
- Oh god.
- Oh no!
- Are these elixirs first level
Spell Slot when I use one?
- It's whichever Spell
Slot you wanna expend.
- Yeah, let's do a first level.
- Fantastic.
Okay, so you are able to leap
over Zarb onto the coffin,
crack it open, and toss...
What does it look like when
you heal Count Dracula?
- I still have my flame thrower active,
so aiming out the door.
- Oh my god.
So you're like sh**ting over one shoulder
and coming in through the door.
- And I come in and I'm like,
coming through, coming through!
And then I, with one arm,
go into my little pocket
and take out a vial of green elixir,
pop it open, and then pour
it into Dracula's half mouth.
- That is two-faced, yeah, like two-faced.
- Drink up, friend.
We've been through this before.
- As you do this, you start
to see some of his jaw reform,
and he says just two words
to you, "Ancestral soil."
And he kind of like
passes out from weakness.
- Ancestral soil.
[Isabella muttering]
Ancestral soil!
- Anterior soul?
- Ancestral soil!
- Ancillary stole.
- Stole.
- Stole.
- [Carlos] Ancestral soil?
- He said it!
- Oh, I did, I understand.
I understand that hysteria.
- My ancestor soiled himself.
- Ancestral soil is people?
- Ancestral soil.
- Ancestral soil.
- What you suppose that means?
- I have no idea.
- I would guess it means
his ancestral soil.
- I still don't understand what that is.
- I suggest you use the tautology there.
- Perhaps where he was born.
- I mean, come on, it could be anything.
It could be sort of ashes
of a father figure or, hmm.
I'll take your word for it.
- As you're saying this,
you start to hear this strange noise
begin to permeate the space you're in
and you see Percival before
you kind of focusing.
And as he does, he says,
"Only darkness drives out darkness."
And you begin to see bats
descend in through every window,
in through every grate, in
through every open door.
- sh*t.
- sh*t.
- You get two d4, so four swarms of bats.
- Come on, I normally like bats.
Bats are like one of my things.
- You know what?
I only have three.
Three swarms of bats.
- I only have three swarms.
- Appear around you.
You see them begin to form.
They're starting to like stream
in through every open door,
every open window,
and they start to collect
in a few different places.
They're not there yet.
They're gonna technically
be there in one round.
But this is a warning of
where they're going to spawn.
- Oh no.
- Oh no.
- That's a lotta bats.
- That's a lotta bats.
- That's a lotta bats.
- That's a lot, that's spicy bats.
- That's a lotta bats.
- As these bats start streaming in,
it's a lot of bats.
May, you hear this strange cacophony
of these high-pitched squeaks,
dealing almost like just
headache damage to you
as they come streaming in through
every open door and window
into the train station behind you.
What do you do?
- Where did the voice come from?
The one about blocking our exits.
- Oh you don't...
You heard it from inside,
but no one has seen her yet.
- Okay, but where do I...
Can I roll to see if I
know where I'm going yet?
- [Jasmine] Yeah, give
me a perception check.
- Mm, not good, 4.
- Yeah, you know it's from somewhere
inside the train station,
but you can't pinpoint exactly where.
- Very well, I'm going to move inside.
I'm gonna move into the building
and then go up on the wall,
just walk up onto the
wall with Spider Climb.
- Do you want me to put the
wall down so you can see?
- Oh no, no, 'cause then like,
you know, everybody else.
But I'm gonna move up
the wall as far as I can.
And then-
- Wow, she looks like Elvira.
- Yeah.
- That's so good.
- I'm going to use, I reach out
and shadowy tendrils
extend from in front of me
and pull Percival my way.
- Amazing.
- And he has to make a
Strength Saving throw.
- He fails.
- All right, so he comes...
He gets yanked to 10 feet towards me
and takes 1 d8 necrotic damage.
Oh, pile up!
- Oh no, there's a pile up.
- Does this provoke op attacks?
- It does, I suppose.
- Amazing.
- I'm a little school boy.
- There we go.
It's really tight inside
this train station, y'all.
And then he's gonna come over here,
provoking op attacks from you, Squee.
Wait.
- Oh.
- Squing.
- Squing.
I almost said squeegee.
- Yeah, so Squing is going to take
just a fanged bite on this.
I know I don't think I
should do any necrotic stuff
'cause it seems like a vampire.
Ooh, that will be a 21 to hit.
- Perfect.
- 1 d4 plus 4, so that's
only five points of damage.
- Yeah, you would see almost right away
that he is barely fazed by
your attack as he goes by.
He seems sturdy, as does Razvan.
- Oh no.
It's the worst bite I've ever had.
- It tastes disgusting.
But May has opened the
path forward for you.
- Let's see, it'll be 3
damage, 3 necrotic damage.
- Amazing, all right.
Yeah, the shadowy tendrils kind of start
to leave these dark, oily,
slicky marks on his skin
as you pull him forward.
Give me an insight check.
- Ugh.
- Five.
- Yeah, you can't ascertain
whether or not he's
perturbed by any of this.
It occurs to you that
he could be a vampire.
- Oh, yes.
- Maybe.
You're not sure.
- Is he breathing?
- With the three, you wouldn't know.
- All right, fair.
- Fair.
- So you pull him towards you.
As you do, the person
that was speaking earlier
suddenly appears in this doorway here.
She is holding a goose aloft and she says,
"Quickly, get them!"
- Goose!
- She's not gonna do
anything on this turn though.
She does throw her goose out and she goes,
"Go, Bobbert."
- Bobbert?
- Bobbert!
I'm naming my kid Bobbert.
It's a family name.
- Go, Bobbert, do my dark bidding."
And you see a goose
begin to like form here.
- How dare you?
So, Danielle calls over
her shoulder, "Honk, honk."
A flock of geese.
With the stats of Raptors.
- With Raptor stats. [laughing]
- How dare are you?
They swarm the displacer
beasts behind them.
You wanna go ahead and
make 16 attack rolls for me
with advantage real quick?
We're actually going to move on.
You're gonna roll.
You take a half hour.
You figure out what your geese are doing.
- I told you I'd do it, Brennan!
Oh, hoist by my own petard.
- It's one f*cking goose, okay?
Nothing near what you did.
Sometimes you mess with
a honk, you get the bonk.
[group laughing]
- That's true.
- This goose is special.
And maybe we'll find out
more about Bobbert later.
But you see a goose with
a ribbon around its neck,
begin to like kind of walk and squawk.
- I mean, I will stay on task,
but like, come on, it's cool.
- Towards the three of you
that are gathered there.
And with that, I believe
it is the top of the round.
The train moves.
Even with the slow down.
[Erika laughing]
- Talk about a box.
- You're out of bounds, you're gone.
You see the handcart obliterated.
Let's see if that character
makes it off.
- Oh, sh*t.
- They do manage to make
it off of the handcart,
but they are knocked prone.
I think that's fair.
- [Isabella] Hell, yeah.
- Kinda like this?
- Yeah, they're completely knocked prone
as they throw themselves
as with a sickening crunch.
- Could you put my fire blob back, please?
- Right here?
- Thank you.
- With a loud crunch,
the handcart just gets completely eaten
by the metal wheels of
this giant locomotive.
You hear Razvan kind of cry out in anger,
and then-
- My cart!
- My cart!
And you see everyone kind of begins
to actually move the opposite way
and gather on the platform
to see what's happened here.
- Rubberneckers.
- The old people are gone.
Yeah, this person's
gonna move over this way.
This person's gonna try
to move over this way.
They don't get very far.
You see everyone kind of
begin to move out of the way.
- Is this the top of the round now?
- Yes.
- Would someone going by me right now...
Is it just between my turns
that I get one reaction?
At the top of the round,
I couldn't do another
reaction right now, could I,
if someone runs by me?
If I could, yeah, if could just-
- Are you gonna turn someone right now?
- Or just suck their blood,
get some blood points. [laughing]
- Yeah, I was gonna say,
I don't think you can make
a Melee Attack as a reaction
unless they leave your melee attack range.
- I see, I see, I wasn't sure
if there was someone right there, but I...
Okay, cool, nevermind.
- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah,
that makes sense.
- Are you hungry?
- I could eat a bite.
- Halfsies with me on a neck?
- Where's that other...
Did that guy who's outside?
- Oh, I miss my wife.
I'm such a coward. [laughing and hissing]
- Bad husband.
- You hear Razvan kind of cry out, "Rally,
rally, Anti Vampire Vampire Club."
- [Isabella] He's telling them to rally?
- Yes, rally.
And you notice he's kind
of using the locomotive
to try to move him
to where he could potentially cut you off.
It is your turn, Wetzel.
You are the one who sees this
because you are the one
who has line of sight.
- Oh yeah, if Wetzel sees
that, he looks behind him.
Everyone's kind of gone
into the train station,
so he can't see what's going on in there.
So, I'm gonna jump on top of the train
[Erika gasps]
and use a bonus action to dash
and try to get up on this guy.
- Yeah, perfect.
Go ahead and give me a acrobatics check.
- Cool.
- Yeah, you are able to do it with ease.
- Yeah!
- Go ahead and place yourself up there.
- We have a train showdown.
- You're both on the top of this
kind of cinematically-moving train.
It's not fast enough for
your hair to be whipping.
- Oh, it's super slow.
- It's like Napa Valley wine train.
Yeah, yeah.
- It's like a Halloween
hay ride right now.
- Wicky wow wow.
- Yeah, and I am going
to shock play this dude.
Is that a thing?
- Shock play?
- Shock play, yeah.
- Yeah, electricity.
- Lightning springs from my hand
to deliver a shock to a creature, ooh!
Is he in physical form yet?
- No, he's still mist.
- He's not?
He's still misty?
What a little jerk off.
- Yeah, I wonder if you
can hit the mist though.
Can you?
- [Erika] He could just follow him.
- You could theoretically
try to distract him
to buy your team time to get
Dracula safely into the coffin.
- Okay, let me ask you this.
How hard would it be?
So if I used bonus action to dash,
right?
- Mm-hmm.
- Do I still have my action?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
Can I like use this little
ladder thing on the side,
go around him and disconnect the pin?
- Oh, yeah.
- So he's on this side, but
the thing just goes without.
- Definitely.
- Without him.
So he's just like stuck there.
- Go ahead.
- Classic train.
- Okay, so that would be using,
yes, that would be using your-
- Or if I-
- 'Cause you can dash
and then use an action to move.
- Yes.
- And that's basically what you're doing.
- Yeah.
- Okay, go ahead
and give me a sleight of hand
to see if you can get the pin out.
- Okay.
- I swear I forgot about that.
- Oh, that's ability checks.
- It's a d4.
- Yeah, for ability checks.
- Yeah,
so you technically got 16 on that.
- [Carlos] Cool, okay.
- You do it.
You come down onto the part of the train.
Go ahead and move yourself there.
You get the pin out,
and this entire part of the train,
these two boxes stop moving
while the rest of the train continues on.
- I won't disconnect this,
I'll just leave this guy here.
- [Jasmine] And you're able
to cease his forward advance
where you could tell he was
trying to shorten the distance
so he could cut you off from the carriage.
With that, it is Razvan's turn.
He is going to descend from the
train and try to go on foot.
It is a long way though.
So, he's only gonna make it here.
- He's trying to make it
to block us over here.
- Yes, yes.
- Okay.
- You don't see that, unfortunately.
Wetzel does, and now
it's your turn, Squing.
- I'm inside with all of...
There's just...
It got really full in here. [laughing]
- Yeah, one round has passed,
so the bats have kind of
gathered in these spaces.
They do do damage if you-
- Doo-doo damage?
[group laughing]
- They do do damage.
They get guano everywhere, yeah.
- Bat sh*t mountain, planet Earth.
Is that what you wanted me to say?
- No.
- Oh.
[Carlos and Erika laughing]
- It's a lot.
- Cool, okay.
And now I'm inside here with
all these bat swarms around me.
I think, could I just
disengage with the coffin?
- Yeah.
- To not get the opportunity?
- I mean, you have the
Mobile feat, so 100%.
- Okay, cool, I'll do that
and see how far through
this crowd I can get.
I forget where the doors are.
So, I guess I would head for
one of the doors on either-
- [Isabella] Where like these things are?
- Yes.
- If you lift up a window-
- There is...
Sorry, let me just remember here.
- I'd love to just try to crash through.
- There is a door right there.
- Cool, I will-
- [Jasmine] Because this
was sitting like this, so.
- I'll head that way,
go through that side door.
- [Carlos] So there's two in that room.
- Towards the closest
line to the carriage.
Coming through,
coming through.
- 5, 10, 15, 20.
- That's half of your movement.
Go ahead and give me an athletics check
to see if you can move your whole movement
carrying the coffin.
- That's c*ck.
- That's totally c*ck.
- Oh, that was your die, sorry.
Athletics, I have an 11.
- Should I give you plus 5?
- If you're-
- Flash of Genius.
- Flash of Genius, okay, so with that,
you are able to drag the coffin
all the way through your full movement
into the back of the carriage.
I'm assuming that's
where you're putting it.
- I mean, if I...
Hey, can you open the trunk, Drago?
Can you press a button?
- Pop the trunk!
- Pop it.
- Yes, I will open trunk.
- Pop the trunk!
- All right, you still have...
Actually, I think that would probably
use your whole movement
with getting him in.
- Look at that nasty a*s b*tch.
- It feels like a long
way to get through there.
- Do you wanna hop on?
- I'll hop on if I can,
and then I will ask Zarb.
I'll have Zarb just do
Fetid Cloud in there.
[Jasmine blows raspberries]
Zarb!
Rip one and see if-
- Rip it and grip it.
- So that will do like
everyone around there
has to make a DC 11
Constitution Saving throw
or be poisoned until the
start of the next turn.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, could I do it,
like could I position Zarb
in a spot that like is less close?
- So Aleks doesn't get farted on?
- You said 10 foot?
- Yes.
- It's okay.
- Where do you wanna put him?
You wanna put him like here?
- Right there, yeah.
- You can fart on me.
- Oh yeah, that hits some
poor innocent passerby,
but it actually avoids your entire party.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
- Zarb.
- Let me just roll
for some MPCs.
- I miss my husband.
[group laughing]
I wish he would return.
- DC 11, so.
- [Jasmine] This young paperboy
somehow survives the fart.
- Extry, extry!
- He has smelt a lot worse,
but the bats can't handle it.
They're all poisoned.
- Hell, yeah.
- As well as this poor gentleman here.
- What about the goose, what of that?
- What of the goose?
- What of the goose?
- The goose is just outta range.
'Cause the goose is theoretically here.
- The goose is loose.
- Big honk a*s b*tch.
[group laughing]
- As Zarb lets out this very
loud farting sound, he says,
"As you, as you, as you,
as you wish, master."
Wee!
- It's a for real,
it's a fart, a demon fart.
- Yeah.
And he lets out a noxious f*cking fume
from one of its many sphincters.
- Oh my god, how many
assholes does it have?
[Jasmine laughing]
Wait, how many assholes does it have?
- Six.
- Okay, cool.
- Canon! [laughing]
- I guess the areas lightly obscured
and it lasts for one minute.
so, you might wanna
have to go around it.
- Oh my god,
he has opaque farts.
- Yeah, it's bad, it's bad.
- That poor guy,
that poor random guy.
- He doesn't eat any fiber.
- Hot box the train station.
- What happens
if he does a six-butt-hole?
- Dutch oven.
- Dutch oven it.
- We have never asked the question
of what would happen if he
did a six-butt-hole fart
because it would end the game.
- Today we ask the question.
- It would end the game.
As the cloud kind of forms
here, obscuring you from view,
which actually saves you line of sight
from Percival-
- Nice.
- The character there, Kieran,
is actually gonna get to their feet
and that's gonna expend
their entire movement.
It is your turn, Aleksandr.
[mimics flamethrower]
- Now, is it crazy to ask if
there's any sort of reaction
with fire and the fetid cloud?
- I think there would-
- Nothing.
- Yes, 100% I think there would be.
- So, I use my bonus action
to direct my flamethrower at Percival.
- Do you have to move it from here?
Does that matter?
- I have it on me, so
I just move direction.
- Yeah, so you could 100%,
that's within 60 feet,
you can move it here to the fart cloud.
- [Carlos] Extry extry.
- Great.
- Light it up.
- It's only a 5-diameter radius.
That's not...
That's not what I mean.
There's no 5-diameter radius.
I know that.
- Yeah.
- 'Cause those are two different things.
- Oh yes.
- It's only on him.
- [Erika] You're very smart.
- So, it's only on him.
- We know.
- Give me an intelligence check.
- Is he?
- I like the one guy who
just came to see the train.
He's not even traveling that day.
He's just stuck in all of this.
- Oh wow, look at that.
- It's like, oh, it's
like a metal carriage.
- I got a 7.
- It does work.
It just goes off a little
bit more explosively
than you originally imagined.
Some of your calculations are off.
Maybe you give it a
little bit too much fire
when you're kind of moving
your flame thrower around,
and the expl*si*n is bigger
than you were originally anticipating.
- Okay, amazing.
- So instead of a 5-foot
radius, it's a 10-foot radius.
- Okay, I'm so sorry, May.
- 10-foot, wow.
- I'm actually up higher.
- Yeah, so they're above it.
- Amazing!
- Amazing.
- So it's gonna be-
- Sorry, Zarb.
- [Jasmine] Yeah, everyone is
like knocked back and down,
leaving the path clear for you.
- Okay, and he has to take...
He has to make-
- He's gonna take double
'cause it's fire.
- Yeah, but did he make a save?
- Honestly, I feel like
because he is like
caught so squarely in it,
I just don't see it.
I don't think it would be reasonable
for him to be able to dodge it.
- And me neither.
- Yeah.
[group laughing]
So I'm not gonna roll to save
'cause it doesn't logically makes sense.
- You and me, same page.
- Okay, so he's taking 4d6 plus 5,
- And then doubled, right?
- No, that was doubled.
- That was doubled, perfect.
- Now for my action, I'm going to ...
Did Zarb get hit?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- How much damage was Zarb?
- Zarb doesn't have that much health.
- Not much at all.
- So, Zarb would just like
kind of disappear into a pile of mush,
and he will be reabsorbed at a later date.
- Farted to death.
- My butt-holes!
- [laughing] Yeah, you
see Zarb kind of melt
into what looks like Laffy
Taffy on a hot sidewalk.
It begins to slurp along
the ground to be reabsorbed.
- Slurp to me.
- Slurp, slurp!
- Slurp to me, Zarb.
- [laughing] By Squing.
You hear it kind of like,
now you know why its name is Zarb,
it's zorp, zorp, zorp.
- Zarb on over here.
- Okay, how close is goose b*tch?
- Goose b*tch!
- How close is goose?
- Goose?
- Goose?
Goose is here.
So it's 5, 10.
- Okay.
- [Jasmine] 15, 20,
about 20 feet from you.
- And how's Percival looking?
- Percival looks rough.
- Rough.
- Yeah, and the blast of this
impact has knocked him down.
He looks like he's barely hanging on
from like a surface observation.
- Barely.
- I would say that you would
know he's no longer a threat.
- Should I attack goose b*tch?
Or should I just get out of there?
- Would you like my professional opinion?
- [Isabella] Yeah.
- I would say get out of there.
You're very outnumbered.
- I'm gonna GTFO.
And you know what I
actually am going to do?
Is I'm going to take an action,
expend another first level Spell Slot,
and drink my Boldness elixir.
- Boldness?
- Which let's me roll a d4
and add the number rolled
to every attack roll
and saving throw I make
for the next minute.
- Wow.
- Amazing.
- What does Boldness taste like?
What's the consistency?
- Passion fruit.
- Ah, yes.
- Passion fruit, all right.
What is your move speed?
- It's like a seltzer.
- 30.
- 30, okay, yeah, so
Yeah, we're gonna just say
you can make it onto it.
Amazing.
- Oh, oh!
- Sorry, babe.
♪ Free ride ♪
- You make it to the carriage.
You hear Drago at the front, say,
"Should we ride?"
- Ride, b*tch!
[reins whipping]
[horses neighing]
- You all hear this.
- Oh, wait, May.
You hear Drago.
- You hear Drago kind of-
- We're not leaving, leaving.
- Start the car, start the car!
- Exactly, you hear
Drago start the horses.
[group laughing]
- My flamethrower is
still alight, by the way.
- Yes, yes, it is still flaming.
It is like streaming out behind you
through the open door
that you have both just exited through.
All right, with that, with
Percival out of the way,
you see him begin to get up,
and you see him, actually,
he doesn't pursue you.
You notice at this point, he
is like afraid of you all.
He seems to be, actually, yeah,
he's gonna move back here for cover.
- Why do you have a curtain?
- It's a flag.
- A flag.
- [Zac] That's a flag?
[Zac] Oh, I thought it was a cloak.
- Yeah, it's a flag, it's a standard.
He retreats saying, "It's a standard."
With it now wrapped around
his burnt and decrepit body,
he hides behind the ticket counter.
You're the only one who sees this, May.
- All right, so I'm on the
walls and I climb spire.
In my heels, I tippy-tap over
around the wall up to him
and I drop down on him.
And I'm going to use Friends.
And so I have advantage
on the charisma check,
and I look into his eyes and I go,
what is the AVVC?
Who sent you?
- Yeah, go ahead and
roll your charisma check
with advantage.
I think this would be like intimidation.
- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- 25.
- 25.
- He's burnt, he's afraid.
You're very intimidating.
- Who sent you?
- He cowers underneath
his standard and he says,
"We have no quarrel with you.
We merely want to be mortals again."
- If you have a quarrel with my hubby,
you got a quarrel with me, buster!
- But if we take him out,
then we could all live as
human beings once more!
- Why would you wanna be a human again?
- Why wouldn't you want to?
- Because I'm beautiful forever.
- But it gets old after
a few hundred years.
- No, that's the whole thing
is that I don't get old ever.
[Zac laughing]
- Roll a persuasion check.
- Is he gonna be like, "You
know what, that slaps."
- Oh!
[group laughing]
- Okay, and it's with advantage still.
- 17.
- You notice him waiver a little bit.
He has taken quite a bit of damage,
so that could be some of it.
Some of it's delirium, he says,
"Well, I suppose there is
some benefits to it, but...
No, no.
This is a curse.
Vampirism is a curse
and I wanna be cured."
- That's false consciousness, babe.
- Now this is unconsciousness, babe.
- Yeah, yeah.
And I'm gonna try and bite him.
- Okay, yeah, he is a fellow vampire.
- I don't know if it works for that.
- Oh, yeah, when Zac bit him
earlier, it didn't do anything.
- Oh, really?
- He tastes like sh*t.
- Not worth it.
- Oh, all right,
okay, then in that case, no,
then I won't do anything.
- Did you try that guy?
- Not good.
- He's gone bad, past the expiration date.
- There's goose b*tch.
- It's like hors d'oeuvres
at a party, like that one was weird.
[Jasmine laughing]
- Okay, then I, in that case,
I don't think I have any movement left.
I think that's-
- You only moved 15 feet.
- All right, then I might
try and beat it... out.
So, I guess...
- So you move 15.
- I think I can make it.
- So you could do, yeah.
- I can make it out.
- It would be like 5, 10, 15,
and then you'd have 5 feet left.
So, yes, you also make it
to the top of the carriage
just as Drago begins pulling away.
- Wetzel!
Get in the car, Wetzel.
- Wetzel here, playing with my trains.
- Wetzel, we're leaving!
Wetzel!
- Oh, look at all the gears
on the train.
They're amazing. [chuckling]
- You see the woman behind
you move to the door.
You see the goose door.
♪ My wife left me for a swamp man ♪
- You see the goose door,
oh my god.
- The goose door?
- You see the goose move towards the door,
but this is also when Drago moves.
With the fire having gone off,
you see these people kind of jump down
and take cover back here.
You see this person also
dive behind the counter.
Everyone is clearing out.
People are screaming,
and Drago gives the horses another crack
as they begin to take off down the road.
They're gonna make it to
that first marker there.
Wetzel, it is your turn.
- Can we say that when I pulled the pin,
I jumped on the locomotive,
and I'm actually doing
what he was going to do,
which is cut us off.
[Erika gasps]
- Roll for it.
- Here's what's gonna happen.
Do you wanna bargain with the goblin?
- Oh, I don't know what that means.
Bargain with the goblin?
- Yeah, you wanna wheel and deal, Carlos?
- Yeah, let's wheel and deal.
- All right.
- I don't know what we're talking about.
- All right, we're going
off the script here.
If you make this roll,
you will make it on the carriage
and you will all extricate
from here safely.
If you don't, you will be kidnapped.
[group gasping]
- I mean, that sounds like a win-win.
So, acrobatics?
- Yes.
- So you with the Pact of the Talisman,
the wearer can use the benefit three times
with one long rest for me.
So you add a d4 rather than just add 4.
- Oh, okay, let's do that.
- Can I also add a Flash of Genius?
- Okay, acrobatics and I have a talisman.
Okay, here we go.
- [Zac] Use the wet fish.
- I kind of hope I get kidnapped.
- Why?
- Just kidding.
- A dirty 20.
- Well, dirty plus 6, 26.
- 26.
- Oh!
- This is f*cking badass.
- It is badass, yes.
You are able to jump onto
the moving locomotive
just as it rounds the
bend just off camera,
kind of landing right here
in front of the carriage.
You could easily use your
remaining movement speed
to get on the carriage.
And with that, you are out of combat
having successfully extracted-
- Hold me, Drago.
- Ooh, Drago.
- Daddy dearest's corpse along with you.
- Oh my god.
- f*ck.
[group cheering]
- [exhaling] The carriage pulls away.
Drago, calmly and quickly
leading you to safety,
driving like a madman.
He takes every turn recklessly.
All of you have to hold
on as he swings out wide,
as he is taking every
turn as fast as he can.
And he gets you all, as
he always does, to safety
back at the Gold Crona Inn.
- Could I say something
to the guy as we pass?
- Oh, over the shoulder?
Totally.
- I was like, I don't
have anything, f*ck you!
[group laughing]
- You flip him off as you go by.
- An insult as old as time itself.
f*ck you! [laughing]
- The old man, "You
don't deserve your wife,
you f*cking coward!"
[group laughing]
- It's like a full force
majeure situation over there.
- As you fling these curses at each other,
the carriage continues to pull away,
and Drago, as he always
does, brings you to safety,
driving the cart with an
almost supernatural deftness.
He quickly takes you
around every turn and bend
through the woods, leaving the,
well, now smoking ruin of the
railroad station behind you,
no longer shiny and new with
its perfect yellow paint
like it once was.
You have left your mark on it.
He brings you back to the
front of the Golden Crona Inn.
- You know what trains are?
Horrible.
- I think that went rather well.
- Who were those guys?
- What was it?
What did they say again?
Ants, ants, and-
- Ants victory vampire,
vampire, vampire.
I remember that part.
- Ants and boots.
- Ants and boots, ancestral, ancestral.
- Ancestral soil!
- Oh.
- Oh.
- Yeah, give me some history checks
to see what you know about ancestral soil.
- 8.
- 16.
- Actually, 14.
- 17.
- With a 17 and a 16, the two of you know
that when a vampire has
taken such grievous damage,
especially one like Count Dracula,
you must heal in your ancestral soil.
Now, you also know that this would be
in Count Dracula's
chambers at Castle Dracula
in his room in which you've
only been allowed twice.
- What?
- Is he not a native Transylvanian?
- Well, this is in Transylvania,
but you are in the village of Fagari.
- Oh, so it's gotta be like real specific.
It can't just be like a country or county.
It's gotta be like-
- Oh, I wish,
like a wifi extender.
Anyway.
[group laughing]
- I don't know, something happened,
and I said something I don't understand.
- Ah, yes.
- Can't believe you said that.
- We have to get him back to his room,
which I've only been in twice,
and I would love to see again.
But primarily to save his life.
- You hear Drago say, "I
thought you said wife extender.
I thought maybe I could speak."
[Carlos laughing]
- Oh gosh, oh god, Drago, Drago,
amazing job driving the carriage.
Let's just focus on that.
Let's just focus on that.
- Well, the carriage has come to a stop,
just like my late wife's heart.
- We all must die!
- This is like a devastating-
- It's beautiful!
Except for these ones, they never die!
Except for when the earth explodes.
- [Erika] Oh, that's right!
- I look forward to that day
with hope in my heart.
- That reminds me of a thing.
So those guys are vampires
and they want to k*ll Dracula
because then they can
not be vampires anymore.
- Like they, what, I mean, what?
- What?
- If Dracula died, what would happen?
We would just-
- Not be vampires anymore.
- Why would I want that?
- I know, it's stupid.
- Give me Arcana checks.
- Six.
- Oh.
- 4.
- Do you want 5?
- Sure.
- 5.
- Okay, with an 11, you would know
that this is just pure conjecture.
- Wow.
- But you have heard an
absolutely terrifying rumor
that if the original sire
were to be vanquished,
you would all die, every
vampire ever created.
- He was trying to tell me that
if something happened to him
that they wouldn't be vampires anymore.
It was like, what does he
think, I'm dumb or something?
- What does this guy know?
He's running around with
that flag, you know,
like hooked over his
shoulder inside, come on.
- Would you not...
I mean, I guess depending
on how long after it was,
you know, how long you
have been a vampire...
This is very interesting.
Now, I know that your magic defies God
and everything that we know about science,
but would you sort of
turn back into a human
and then die immediately?
- 'Cause I'm like a million years old?
- Yes.
- No, they're dead.
They're the un-dead.
- So, you would be dead.
- I would just die?
I don't want that.
- Oh!
- What are we talking about?
Let's get back.
- This is ridiculous!
I never get anything that I want.
This is bullshit.
- Okay, let's count to 10.
- Wetzel's just so pissed off.
- Wetzel, Wetzel
- If they k*ll him, if they just end,
then all this has been for nothing.
He starts to unravel.
All of this has been for nothing.
- Oh my goodness, this is incredible.
He can pull it off of his face.
- It's like not everyone
can be hot like me,
I can tell, but.
- Rolling it back up.
- And just put it back on
and just roll it back on?
Stick it back into that spot?
Roll it back on?
- What?
- Lay it flat.
- Breathtaking.
- Flat on the face, yes.
Not rolled up.
- Okay, does anyone have
a paperclip or something?
- Absolutely!
- Thank you.
- As you clip your face back together,
with your passive perception, Aleksandr,
you notice someone is fidgeting
around with the coffin
in the back of the carriage.
- Hold on, what's going on?
I go to look.
- Do you throw in the doors or-
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Inside you see two golden eyes.
They peer out of the shadows,
followed by the face of a fruit bat,
a large bat-esque creature,
except it's like four-foot seven,
is hunched down over the coffin,
and it is now kind of exiting the gloom.
It is wearing a small schoolboy's outfit,
complete with the jaunty cap,
almost like a little sailor
suit, and shiny lacquered shoes.
You recognize him immediately as Dimitri,
Count Dracula's familiar.
- Dimitri, what are you doing?
- What am I doing indeed?
For you have failed the master.
- We've what-ted the master?
- Failed.
- Failed?
- Yes, you are failures.
- We didn't fail him.
Someone else hit him in
the face with a cannonball.
- You've failed to
protect our Lord Dracula.
- Well, Dimitri, where were you?
We brought him to safety.
I don't think it's very kind, young man,
to decry us as failures
when we have saved his life.
- Roll intimidation.
- He has 15 sons.
Flash of Genius.
- Okay, so 17.
Mayhaps you have a point,
but our lord now lays wounded.
- He's not your ward.
- My Lord Dracula!
- Oh, lord.
- His word?
- You're his servant.
He can't be your ward.
- Your word?
- Think, what could it possibly be?
- [Carlos] What does he mean by that?
- Like the things in a sentence, a word?
- A sword Dracula, the blade of vampire...
- On his bat wing that is
hanging in front of his face,
creates a minor illusion
complete with subtitles.
- We've still got to read Ws in them.
- In a cute font that has all the eyes
are dotted with circles.
- Oh!
- I don't have my glasses.
- If anyone draws this,
we are very human-like,
but Dimitri's still a cartoon.
[group laughing]
Just a real cute Saturday morning cartoon.
- Got big old eyes, little
doggy fruit bat face.
- No, I am fierce.
[group groaning]
- If you want to come across as fierce,
why do you wear a tiny hat?
- This is how his dark master dresses me.
Look at how he dresses Squing.
- Yes, I would have to say.
- But Squing is a huge man.
- And Squing dresses
himself, as far as I know.
- Listen, I never said anything
about the way he's dressed.
I think he dresses amazing.
In fact, we're gonna have
to have a conversation
about those shoes in a little bit,
the lacquer is impeccable,
so shiny in a way that I don't mind.
But listen, it doesn't matter
if you're intimidating or not.
Where did you come from?
And did you just get here?
- Well, I was on an errand for the master
when I noticed that you were
missing from the castle.
And I divined that
mayhaps you had come here.
- And now you are missing from the castle.
We were supposed to not be at the castle.
- That's my job, to
deliver his correspondence.
- Has it been two years
since we talked to Dimitri?
- No, it's been two months.
- Two months?
- Yeah, it's been two months
since you've talked to Dimitri.
- Oh, two months, two months.
But you have seen him around.
- Oh, okay.
- If you are supposed to
deliver the correspondence,
then why didn't you bring us the letter?
Show him the...
Oh, wait, now you ate it.
- Well, the thing is, you know,
and for a reason that is not my fault,
I do not have the letter anymore.
- It's not his fault, Dimitri.
- That's what I'm saying.
- Well, the reason that I did not bring
that letter personally,
for I am his most reliable-
- You don't have to keep bringing that up,
Dimitri, seriously.
- Reliable messenger.
- Well, okay.
- Is because it takes a very
long time to cross the ocean
and our wonderful Lord Dracula
does not understand this.
- Oh, were you saying lord before?
- Oh!
- Oh, lord!
- [Dimitri] That's what I said.
That's what I said.
- It would be cool to call him sword, too.
- Yeah, sword is pretty cool.
- Lord.
- You guys gonna start calling me sword?
- No, no.
- Nevermind, Squing it is.
- If you want, of course.
- No, I think it's...
I'm not a sword guy.
- And now you see him kind of get sad
and kind of like put two paws
on Dracula's coffin and say,
"But to see my dearest Dracula
in this state, it wounds me."
- Now that is actually heartbreaking.
- It takes his bat wing.
- Guys, he's using-
- He's got such shiny little hands.
- He's using himself as a handkerchief.
- It's like a stuffed animal.
- I will not take this!
I am the confidant of the Count Dracula,
and were it not for us, he would be dead.
How dare you speak to us this way?
- Well, I suppose you have a point.
- Now, what do you want?
- Well, two things.
First, you must understand
that if word of his
compromised state gets out,
it could be very bad for us.
We must return His Darkness to the castle
where he might heal.
- [Isabella] Correct.
And number two, I know
something you don't know.
- I mean, come on.
- Ah, come on, come on.
- You probably know a
lot that we don't know.
- Just like let us know.
What, you don't have to vogue.
- Just really milking it.
- You see him start
strutting back and forth
with his wings up.
- Dimitri, gosh.
- What is this?
- Okay, let's just let
him have a little moment.
- This is my jaunty walk.
- This is your what?
- This is my jaunty walk.
- Please tell us.
- Your dirty walk?
- My jaunty walk.
- Jaunty.
- Your jaunty walk.
- This is very jaunty.
- That's a jaunty walk.
- It's quite jaunty.
- And intimidating.
- We all get to work together,
and obviously Dimitri hasn't
been getting the attention
that he wants or needs.
- So he's acting out.
- I'm gonna close this door
while we talk for a second.
- He's acting out just a little bit.
- He needs this, right?
- He kinds needs it.
- He just sorta needs us to be-
- Oh, what is this?
- Does passive intelligence
do anything for knowing?
What's passive intelligence?
- For doors or something?
- I was gonna say like for
traps and things like that.
- Not knowing other people's secrets.
- That would be like insight, yeah.
- Okay, okay.
- Let's just like, you know-
- Dimitri, please, we beseech
you, tell us what you know.
- Definitely like a scary guy.
- Loving those poses, buddy, loving them.
- Intimidating and all that.
- Doing a great job.
- Well, then, I will give you his letter.
- He has another letter, like what?
Did he write two letters?
- [Chanting] Props, props,
props, props, props,
props, props, props, props!
- You're gonna wanna
take this by the base.
- [Isabella] You brought the candle
all the way from the castle?
- Now, in that letter-
- Oh, it's addressed to me.
- There is a section
in between two lines.
You can choose whether or not
you wanna read that out loud.
That's completely optional.
- Ooh, this is Count Dracula's
addressed a letter to me?
I almost don't wanna break the seal.
- I mean, it's like,
and you have three other letters, right?
Or at least one other one, probably one.
Does the Count know how to spell my name?
Does he think it's spelled W-E-T-Z-E-L?
- You already got the letter.
- Rather than S-Q-U-I-N-G?
- But you ate it.
- Well, that one...
Oh, I guess you're right.
He did send me a letter first.
- It even smells like him.
- The jealousy grips you.
- You got the letter!
- You smell the faint
cherry scent from his wax.
You see his signature sigil in the seal,
you notice the flourish on the W,
and you know this is from
the dark lord himself.
- This is the greatest
thing that's ever happened.
- Open it, for crying out loud!
- It's like pristine.
Mine was like the worst possible letter
I ever could have imagined.
- Can I crack it, can I open this up?
- [Jasmine] Yes, please.
- It's like a real, real thing.
- Crack it.
- Oh, I have to like crack and do that.
Oh, sorry, I'm not super old.
I don't know how this sh*t works.
[group laughing]
- You're actually super old.
- I'm not a million f*cking years old.
Never cracked a letter before.
What is this?
- I go to Gmail-
- What is this?
- And I press inbox.
- I press seal in my Gmail account.
It doesn't crack.
Okay, I'm just gonna
rip, grip it and rip it.
Here we go.
It's so cool opening.
Look at you, I got everyone's attention.
I love this, childhood
Carlos is loving this.
- He doesn't even use an envelope.
How badass.
Oh, yes, he does, nevermind.
- He's got two.
- Two pieces of paper?
- I'm so pissed off.
- [Erika] There's so
much affection in this.
[bell dinging]
[Erika gasps]
- As you open the letter and
recognize his handwriting,
it's almost as though you
hear his voice in your mind.
- b*tch.
Carlos, I'm gonna have to... [laughing]
- b*tch.
- I'm gonna have to insist
that you read at least
part of it out loud.
- Dear Setzer?
Setzer, right?
- Yes.
You recognize Setzer as another
member of the household.
- Oh, I've asked Wetzel
to take care of things
in my absence, leaving the
more important things for you.
I've left him small tasks
that even a fool couldn't possibly bungle,
such as caring for Cornelius.
Ah, Setzer, if only all my followers
were as dutiful and reliable as you.
I'm really...
Carlos is turning.
Okay, whatever.
I trust you to care for
the house in my absence,
ensure wards are put in
their places as instructed,
or it will all go south.
P.S. Writing a letter to
Wetzel right after this.
I hope the mail carrier
doesn't mix them up.
That would really embarrassing.
Could you imagine?
Count Dracula.
- Oh.
- And this is like...
Wait, so like none of us were asked
to take care of the Count?
- Holy moly.
- Well...
- Just outta curiosity, did
you read the part that was-
- Oh no, I didn't.
I didn't read that part.
- That is like-
- You're keeping secrets from us.
- Yes.
- And you know, Setzer?
- And to Setzer?
Is it Setzer?
What's his name?
- Yes.
- [Isabella] We know him?
You would all know Setzer
as a small sniveling man
who kind of lurks every
shadow in Castle Dracula.
- Human?
- Yes.
- Like Setzer, like Setzer,
are we serious?
Are we gonna be serious about this?
Is this some sort of joke?
- He is diligent,
I have to say.
- A diligent little as*h*le.
- A bit of a d*ck, yes.
- -Just a little like know-it-all.
I'm way older than you, Setzer.
[Erika laughing]
I'm pissed.
I'm gonna go hang out on top,
on top of it.
- Well, I-
- Wetzel.
- Yeah?
- Are you going to lose it?
[Jasmine laughing]
- It's like I got,
I got the letter, and it was
all like Christmas birthday
all in one.
- Yes.
- Then I read the letter,
and it's like the apocalypse is happening
in my brain right now.
- That sounds rough, buddy.
- It's like a million f*cking
volcanoes are burning down
every single part of my insides.
It's like the devil and God
are raging inside of me.
- [Isabella] Delicious.
- I'm gonna come back inside.
I don't know what you guys
were just talking about,
but are you like totally losing it?
[Jasmine laughing]
- He's losing it.
- Yeah, okay.
How bad is it in your brain?
- The devil and God are
f*cking or something.
- The devil and God
are f*cking in your brain?
- I've never asked the master
for anything, and yet
this fang f*ck mother....
And he just starts going wild.
His arm stretches out.
He starts breaking like
the spokes on the wheels.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!
[Isabella cackling]
- Are you f*cking kidding me right now?
- Dude, dude, come back,
come back, come back.
- I do Hold Person.
- Yeah, so do I have to make a save?
- Yes.
- Okay.
- Wisdom Saving throw
or be paralyzed.
- Gotcha.
Oh, crit fail!
Crit fail.
- All right.
- Crit fail!
- Got him.
She grabs him and goes,
pull yourself together, man!
You got a little bit of a
disappointing news, but-
- Disappointing news?
Are you...
And then I read, I
repeat exactly the lines
that I didn't say out loud.
Are you kidding me right now?
You know what this guy just said?
Wetzel is far too preoccupied
with his own flesh
to even truly hear me sometimes.
It's always, "What do you desire, mi'lord?
And never, "How are you?"
Things are only worse
when it comes to May.
She constantly desires my attention
when I would much rather take hot pokers
to Wetzel's supple frame
than engage in whatever tawdry nonsense
that absolute square thinks is fun.
This jerk-
- Wow, you two got owned.
- I'm fun!
- We sort of got out Scott-free
on that one.
- Totally awesome over here.
Ooh, it could have been way worse.
I was like pissed that my
letter looked like sh*t,
and then this happened and I'm like, wow.
- You noticed Dimitri
is standing on your side
and he's kind of hiding a
little bit behind your lab coat,
like away from the wrath of Wetzel.
Oh yeah, definitely, I
wouldn't know what that's like.
We are in with the master.
- As much as I delight
in witnessing the carnal
magic of humans and non-humans
when they react with such
passion and emotion as you do,
I want you to know I am your
friend and I care for you,
and anything you may
need, I am here to offer.
Except for the love of the person
you care about the most in the world.
[Erika crying]
- Oh, give me the mirror.
- I tried.
- I wanna do that thing you do.
- Here.
- Give you what?
- I don't see anything
except for Wetzel
reflecting back behind me.
- Use it, just use it.
- I'm trying!
I can't see myself.
- It doesn't even work.
- 'Cause I'm a vampire.
- Aleks has taken out a contraption
that's measuring her decibels and sounds,
And it's like going.
- It's like the trees as
they pass are like bending.
And there's sonic damaging,
like the pine needles
are being blown apart.
- [Zac] Get me outta here.
[Erika continues crying]
- Okay, you know what?
As an actor, you have to go
through a lot of failures
and little hiccups and
obstacles on your way
to success,
and that's all this is, just
a little bump in the road.
- Listen, listen, he has all
of the power in the world.
Why would he keep you in his castle
if he did not-
- Love us?
That's so true!
- Something like that.
- Yes.
- There's a lot of
people in the castle, so
I don't know if that matters.
- Yeah, he could very easily k*ll them,
throw them on the street,
do away with them if he wanted.
- Yes.
- He threw my wife out.
- He threw your wife out?
Whoa.
- He threw my wife out.
- I mean, he politely asked her to leave.
It was already pretty late.
She was kinda like hanging out.
- But she's never come back.
- Well, I mean, do you invite her back?
- I have sent her a letter every day
for the past seven years.
- Yeah, but you know those letters
really don't go out, right?
We don't send...
- What, what?
He's like still cowering
behind your lab coat.
- Aren't you in charge
of the correspondence?
- Well, I'm in charge of
Dracula's correspondence.
- What have you done with
every letter I've given you
every day for the past seven years.
- I gave them to Lord Squing.
- And I like to eat letters.
- Oh my god, oh my god!
Aleksandr, did you not-
- What is the question here?
I don't understand.
Sasha, did you never wonder why your wife
never wrote you back?
- Do you ever see me not
munching on a couple of letters?
- Always eating letters.
- Excuse me.
And he takes his dagger out of his coat
and stabs himself in the leg.
- Wow!
- These letters are tearing us apart!
[Isabella screaming]
- Oh, Sasha!
- I'll k*ll you!
- Why?
Name one reason why.
[group laughing]
Freak over here.
- Hold me back, m*therf*cker!
- I'm already being
held back, I can't move.
- I thought that was our process.
You give me the letters, I
give them to Lord Squing.
The Lord Squing eats the letters.
- I would delicately advise
you not to say another word.
- This is kind of at odds
with what I was gonna do,
because I'm like, I have
to ask you like a question.
Is that cool?
Can we like beef squashed, right?
- I'm going to open your stomach.
I'm going to take out every
shred of paper in there.
Because I know for a
fact you don't poo-poo.
And I'm going to put all of
the letters back together
and send them to my Marina.
- That's a good question.
I've always-
- Kind of a viable strategy.
- Yeah, and I've always wondered,
do you pee blood?
- Do I pee blood?
Yes.
[Carlos snickering]
I eat letters and it makes me pee blood.
That's why, I mean, this vampire-
- Some deep lore.
- It makes sense.
- Listen, we all know that
I was the first vampire
Count Dracula created.
- Ask the bat baby your question
and then let's get our dying lord
back to his ancestral soil.
- Fine.
- Now I'm going to ask this
because it's pertinent
to the situation overall,
not just one specific thing
happening to me right now.
I'm not asking for me,
but just for the group.
- For a friend?
- For a friend, for everyone.
You got any more letters?
[Isabella screaming]
[group laughing]
- Sasha, Sasha, no!
- Oh, why, why?
- No, no, no, no.
- Listen, I'm not even gonna eat it.
I'm not gonna eat it.
I'm just like, what?
- There's like a mage Vampiric Grasp hand
holding him back.
- It only said Wetzel in the letter.
That's it?
- Well, mayhaps the dark lord has more,
but they are not yet yours
to be had, but rather mine.
- He's a little freak.
- He's dancing.
- He's f*cking dancing.
He's doing a tango over there.
- It is so adorable though.
I'm upset, but I feel it going down.
- Just give us a moment!
- It's going lower and lower.
- Okay!
- Listen.
We just get it from him!
- Wait, take him out, what?
- Just get the letters from him.
- Wait, don't.
- Isn't that like a federal offense?
- Assaulting a mail carrier
is 100% a federal offense.
- He works for the government?
- Transylvania government, yeah.
- [Erika] Yes, Wetzel,
he is the government.
- Oh, okay, Dimitri
works for the government.
I'm an idiot.
- Dimitri, give us the letters!
- They are not mine to give.
- So, are they timed letters?
- Yes, I am to give them to you
when you prove yourselves worthy.
This is under my judgment and mine alone.
- I'm gonna f*cking k*ll the bat!
- You may do it.
- No, no.
- He's pretty adorable though.
Go ahead, eat it, eat it.
No one stop him
- I'm going to k*ll the bat!
- Don't you do it!
Don't you do it!
- The bat's adorable.
- Oh, it tastes so good.
[group laughing]
- Don't you do it, don't
you keep eating that letter.
You stop it right now.
- Better not stop me.
- No, no, no, don't you do it.
- You better not try to stop me.
- No, we're gonna zoom in.
- I will stop you.
- We're gonna zoom in right now.
- I turn my flamethrower
on and aim it at Dimitri.
- Sorry.
- Wow, that's happening.
- You wouldn't, for you would burn me
and the dark lord alive.
- Are you getting away from this?
- It would destroy the
letter, you imbecile.
- What letter do we need?
- I think he's saying he
has the letters on him.
- I don't give a crap about a letter.
- Are you mad at me that
Lord Squing ate the letters?
That wasn't my fault.
- Guys, I feel like these letters
are tearing us apart.
- That wasn't my fault.
- Did you stop and get coffee on the way?
[group laughing]
- I didn't even notice,
I didn't even notice.
- I work very long hours.
- Dimitri!
- I need it.
- Is that like a latte?
- Do you want some?
- May slaps the coffee
out of his hands.
- Rude woman.
- My rage has- has- has blinded me.
- Well, I also have wings.
- Shut the f*ck up!
You shut the f*ck up.
- Everyone make a Dex save.
- Fortunately c*ck, oh, that sucks.
- 14.
- 19.
- 25.
- So the two of you are the only one
that are not bowled over by it,
but Dimitri lets out the most horrific
hypersonic screech
from the back of the carriage.
[creature screaming]
It pushes you both back 10 feet
and also deals you-
- Oh, you know, it
probably deals, I'm hold,
I'm held, I'm being held right now.
So I probably take-
- Oh, so you auto fail, yeah.
- Woo.
- Half damage for those
of you that made the save.
Now I must make my departure
and I will come and visit in on you again.
Whether I have letters for all of you
is not my secret to disclose.
- What are we supposed to do?
- But I will say
that is not the only correspondence
that the dark lord left for you.
- Probably saving the best for last.
- Also, it's completely not my fault
that Lord Squing ate your letters.
I'm very sorry about your wife, Marina.
- Fine, but you gave it
to him in the first place.
- I was like, you got
any letters for his wife?
[group laughing]
- I remember that.
[group laughing]
- Any extras of his letters...
- Well, hold on, these
weren't for Aleksandr's wife,
were they?
- [laughing] I'm sorry.
- Oh, the f*cking Zac Oyama.
Woo, okay.
- What are we supposed to do?
- Yes, it's true.
He asked them for me specifically.
I go to Marina's every
Saturday for raisin cookies.
I would have never knowingly
gave them to Lord Squing
for him to consume.
- He's so adorable, I
can't be mad at Dimitri.
- It's like how can we
be mad at him, right?
- Did you hear him say cookies?
- We're probably good.
We just figured it out.
- It's super good,
are you kidding me?
- Things are chill now.
- I just wanna to pat him on the head.
- Everything's fine probably.
- Fantastic.
- Would you like a little cookie?
- I would like a raisin cookie.
Thank you.
- Now I shall make-
my dark departure.
- You want me to help you down?
Come on, buddy.
Just pop on down, come on, I got you.
Okay.
- Come on down.
- There you go, okay.
- Hop on down.
- Just scurry off.
- And then he flaps his wings.
- Ah, two feet off the ground, okay.
- And then slowly building up speed,
kind of like a hummingbird, takes off,
a dark streak in the night.
- I sh**t fire at him as he does.
[group laughing]
- Roll to hit.
- Wait, do you really?
- I don't have to roll to hit.
- Oh, it just goes off to save.
- How dare you?
How dare you?
- I'm going to f*cking k*ll this bird.
- I got an 18.
- Really, when I got hit-
- He takes half damage.
- He takes half damage.
- Unless he has fire.
- Oh, a fire vulnerability?
- Yeah.
- He doesn't 'cause he's not a vampire.
He's a familiar.
- You're going to hell.
[group laughing]
I'm sorry.
- 6.
I'm sorry, but it's true.
- He's going to hell.
- No, you are.
I can't believe you hurt him.
- You're being unreasonable.
- I just don't understand
what this is about.
- The rest of you see a burst of fire
kind of hit poor Dimitri
and kind of burn up some of
his head, as he goes, "Ow!"
And kind of spirals, but keeps flying.
[group laughing]
- And it spells it out, like ow.
- The smoke blasting off into
space at the speed of light!
- Sasha, can I please
speak to you for a second?
Can I speak with you for a second?
All right.
- Yes.
- I'm sort of like, [sighing]
do you have to put the
knife so close to me?
Can you just back up a little bit?
- Gently.
- Back up.
Don't caress me with the knife.
- I'm going to cut it open.
- I gotta be honest.
They're just sitting
and like rotting inside,
so they're unreadable,
completely unreadable.
I just wanna say something about myself
that's a little vulnerable
about my situation
and like who I am and whatever,
like all that kind of stuff for it's like,
just wanna clear the air
about this kind of situation
that we're in right now.
But like, I'm kind of like
sometimes I'm a little self-destructive
when I'm like jealous
of people or whatever.
And like you're so smart
with all these new things,
and I'm so old and I
don't understand anything.
[group laughing]
- Sasha, are you listening?
Are you listening right now?
- I feel like a boomer.
[group laughing]
- He's feeling like a
total boomer right now.
- I'm a boomer in some bloomers,
and I'm over here and I'm like
a total idiot or whatever.
So I eat your letters, okay?
I eat your letters.
- Just ate a couple letters.
- And so, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
And I've f*cked up, it's f*cked up.
I know, I knew it was
f*cked up at the time,
but I still did it
'cause I'm that sort of boomer
in bloomers and I feel bad.
So, just like forgive
me or whatever, please.
- He's just a little baby.
- He's just a little baby.
- I'm a baby boomer in bloomers.
- Literally thousands-
- Baby boomer
in baby blue bloomers.
- Say baby boomer in baby boomers.
- I'm a baby boomer in baby bloomers.
♪ Just a baby bloomer ♪
- So...
- Thank you for being-
- The deal is
all of you want to read
these letters from the Count?
Is this making you not want
to bring him to his chamber
and resurrect him?
What is going on?
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna maybe go over
to the coffin itself,
just put my hands on it.
Well, I don't know if you can hear me.
Ow, ow!
f*ck, Sasha stabbed me!
Sasha stabbed me!
Ow!
- I'm good now.
- I guess I take some sort of knife there.
- Oh, it's hardly anything.
It's hardly anything.
- Well, I don't know if anyone else
wanted to try to talk to him,
but I was like, maybe he
can hear, so I don't know.
- Well, Dimitri is well
guarding your letters anyway,
so we might as well take
him back to his chamber.
- Wetzel?
- I don't know exact...
I've kinda lost
the urgency
to bring this.
[sighing] It's hard because
I, you know, I still love him.
- It's just wild that he would say,
"I'm writing a letter to Wetzel right now.
I hope the post office wouldn't-"
- I've done that.
- He's obviously put them
in the wrong envelopes.
- I have sent my sister a letter
I meant to send to my friend.
- About your sister?
- Absolutely.
- Oh dude, come on.
- Absolutely ripping
her, ripping her apart.
- That is so like cringe.
- Yeah, you know, Wetzel,
just like with acting or
any kind of relationship,
when you love somebody or something,
when you love something, you just kinda...
You shrug it off and you
try again the next day.
So maybe you just need a
little nap and some self-care,
like a soak in the tub with a bath b*mb
and a glass of wine and a good book,
and you just try again tomorrow!
- She's losing it.
- She's absolutely gone.
She's freaking out.
- She's losing her g*dd*mn mind right now.
- Oh, so you know, does that make sense?
- Ooh, I just feel a
lot of emotions and now-
- [Isabella] Wetzel, I thought
you loved being tortured.
- You know, I'm here for it, I'm here.
It just feels like he has...
He's not gonna ever turn me, you know?
He's not ever gonna go for it.
- Well, maybe if we bring him back,
he will be so grateful that he will.
Plus I have to say, I have
been working on some things
to see if it is possible
to generate a tonic
to turn humans.
- Into what?
- Wait, what?
- Undead!
- So you're gonna leapfrog?
You're gonna go over Dracula.
- Well, you could be my guinea pig.
- I've never been anyone's
guinea pig before.
- Are you sure?
You look like there's
definitely someone's been-
- You shut up!
[group laughing]
You f*cking letter eater!
I've had enough of you.
- Everybody's ganging up
on me, I don't know why.
- As you say this, Drago, you
notice is next to you, Wetzel.
He puts a hand gently on
your shoulder and he says,
"My brother, walk with
me under the moonlight."
- Okay, yeah, let's-
- Come.
- Guys, I just need a second, okay.
- Come.
- Take your time.
We have all the time in the world.
- He's gonna f*cking k*ll Dracula.
- They walk off.
- I always thought I
was kind of invisible,
like some kind of background
character in life,
like some kind of NPC
in someone else's story.
- Wetzel's by himself, what happened?
- He's with the man who
looks like branches.
- But then-
- There's a guy out there?
- You, first time I talk to you,
you make me feel like I am
main character material.
And in my mind, you are
main character material.
Do not allow other people
to make you feel less than,
because you are Wetzel.
You have value.
Inside you dwells beauty and terror
in equal measure, something
to truly be admired.
And seeing you love yourself makes me feel
like maybe I could love myself, too,
even if my late wife no longer can,
since she died a very
long and suffering death.
- Bring it back, okay, bring it back.
- Of course.
- Bring it back.
We're almost there.
- But in you, I see limitless potential.
It makes me believe in the power of me,
and well, for what it's worth,
I believe in you.
I don't think other people see it yet,
but you are not background character.
- Kiss!
- It's like a magic guy, I see him now.
- And I have a lot of plants.
You just keep buying plants
until things feel better.
- You good?
- You are not a background character.
You are special.
You are Wetzel.
You know what?
You're right.
If your dead wife was here right now,
she'd be so proud of you.
- Bless her rotting lungs.
You know, the last few
years she could barely speak
and say my name,
but every time you say it.
- Oh sh*t.
Oh sh*t, I'm so sorry.
Oh, man, I'm so sorry.
What type of disease did she have?
[group laughing]
- Honestly, what didn't she have?
- Oh, sh*t, that bad?
That bad?
- Towards the end-
- [inaudible] shoes in a swamp.
- It was just kind of an alphabet soup.
- Oh, oh no.
- That's why you don't go in the swamp.
- I spent my last days trying
to wash the putrid smell
of her rotting corpse out of our home.
- That's pretty gross.
- Before it was burned down
by people who thought I was a monster.
And there-
- Same day.
- Looking at my shadow
in the flames of my home,
the only place I ever
knew safety and love,
I thought I was damned to
walk in darkness forever.
- Okay, Drago, you know what?
I got a letter today, so
[group laughing]
let's just chill out just
a little bit about you
and focus a little bit back on me.
Kind of mean stuff was
said adjacent, whew,
but you know what?
I'm feeling a lot better, thank you.
You know what?
I need to make my own decisions.
And I think if I let Dracula die,
I don't get to tell him off.
- This is true.
And you still don't get what you want.
- That's very true.
Let's head back.
- Of course, friend.
- Hey and maybe reintroduce
yourself to the group.
I feel like they don't really
know you like I know you.
- I have introduced myself
to them multiple times.
I drive them everywhere.
- I know, I know, but
they don't really see,
they don't see anything
outside themselves.
- Maybe if you introduced me, they would.
- Oh, what's your name again?
I'm so sorry.
- Drago.
- Oh, Drago, okay, yeah, yeah,
yeah, I got it, I got it.
Hey guys, let's head out!
[group laughing]
- Awesome, yeah, let's get going.
- There's nothing else to do, right?
- Who's that guy you were talking with?
- Did you find him in the woods?
[Carlos laughing]
Was he just out there?
- Well, anyway, you look better.
- Oh, thanks so much.
- Yeah.
- And I go.
[bell dinging]
[group laughing]
- You see him like
confused, but also like-
- We're doing it, buddy.
- He kind of like stumbles over
and gets back into the rider's seat.
- Listen, we're gonna save
Dracula.
- Shotgun.
[group laughing]
- Where is he going?
I was about to do a speech.
- Oh, sorry.
- No, no, it's cool.
- I called it earlier, but you
know, we all hope we call it.
- I mean, you have to call it
when we're all ready to go.
- Okay.
- You can't call it in advance.
- Well, I'm ready, I'm just saying.
- You know, shotgun forever, bye.
[group laughing]
- Oh, no, no, no, no.
- You got Wetzeled, b*tch!
- Can we go to the castle?
- You begin the long arduous
journey to the castle.
It is several days away.
Dawn is almost breaking,
a very dangerous time for
many of you to travel.
You probably think it best
to once again take refuge
in the safety of the Gold
Crona Inn before you move on.
And that will be where we call
an end to today's episode.
Join us again next week for Episode Three
of "Dimension 20: Coffin Run."
- [Isabella] Woo!
[group laughing]
- [Jasmine] If only it went out.
- 'Tis the season to play.
- God, let's go.
- Okay.
- Who the f*ck are you?
- Hold on, no, you can't just-
- How embarrassing.
[Erika screaming]
- What?
- I would k*ll for a guy named Dr. Pepper.
[group laughing]
- We have to find the human
and we have to get to the castle.
- What do you know about undead?
What do you know about Dracula?
- He's dying.
- I would say so.
It's not great.
[Jasmine laughing]
- Where are the werewolves?
- What?
- What wolves?
- Werewolves.
- Where?
- The hounds are at our heels.
- Uncomfortable to be dressed like this.
- Oh.
- Well.
- Um...
- The bridge, is that like
a different type of tube?
- Anyway.
- Thumbs up to that.
- We gotta help him.
[group laughing]
We got the master to his ancestral soil!
[suspenseful music]
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14x02 - Attacks on the Tracks
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A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.
A tabletop role-playing game show produced by and broadcast on Dropout and created and generally hosted by Brennan Lee Mulligan as the show's regular Dungeon Master.