Back-up Plan, The (2010)

[bunniefuu]

I can't believe
I didn't get a pedicure for this.

How embarrassing. Look at that.

If I were with a real guy doing this,
I would've gotten a pedicure.

And a wax.

Oh, sh*t, that one's worse.

Sorry I didn't get a pedicure. What?

Ugh. My toes.

I'm sorry.
I'm not looking at your toes.

I'm looking at your cervix.
Right.

Now I kind of wish
you were looking at my toes.

All done. That's it?

We'll elevate your legs for 10 minutes and you'll be good to go.

[TIMER TICKING]

First time I hear that ticking clock and I'm not freaking out.

Good. Just relax.
I can't. I'm totally freaking out.

Come on.
Everything's gonna be great.

I have a feeling that you
and, uh...

CRM-1014 are gonna make beautiful babies together.

Yeah. Thank you.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Oh, God, I hope this works.

I've wanted this for so long.

Maybe this isn't how
I pictured it exactly.

Thought I'd have
a little more support.

No! You don't want kids.
Trust me.

Well, that's easy for you to say.
You have four.

And it's awful.
They've ruined my life!

Hi, munchkins.
MONA: What? No! Go away!

Have you seen my vag*na?
I mean, have you?

Because I would show it to you.
I will show it to you just to prove

that you don't want to have kids.
I will show you my vag*na.

I don't want to see that.
I want to have a baby.

I just think you're tired
of being alone.
You haven't met the right guy.

It's not about a guy.
This isn't about a guy.

I've dated hundreds of guys
over the past five years.

Not one of them's close
to being the one.

It's just not happening
for me.

Yeah, but doesn't mean that it won't.
Doesn't mean that it will.

Is that my chicken?
What are you doing?

GIRL:
Give it back!

That is your dinner,
not a toy!

I hate them.
Do you smell pee?

ZOE:
So, I had to figure it out on my own.

I examined every possibility
and arrived at the most
logical conclusion.

Will you be my baby-daddy?

What? No, I can't be the father.
Are you out of your mind?

What are you talking...?
No. I am in my sexual prime.

I have countless more women to bed
before I do something as idiotic
as having a baby.

Clive, you're my friend.
Don't you want to help me?

We don't have to have sex.
You don't have to be involved
at all.

All right?
Just give me your sperm.

Oh. Heh, heh. Okay. Okay,
you're feeling Ionely, right?

Maybe a little dead
down there.

I get it, I get it.
Been a long time since
you've had, uh, you know.

Just shut up, okay?

Just forget it. Forget the whole thing!
What?

ZOE:
Well, that was a bust.

So I took life by the horns

and I did what I had to do.

Yeah.

It's gonna be okay.

I have a plan.

[DINGS]

Ding.

Whoa, ha, ha.
You don't have to walk
like that.

What? Oh, okay.
Ha, ha.

By the way, I know
an excellent support group
for single moms

if you're interested.
Great. Great.

Maybe we should hug.
We might have just made
a baby together.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Good luck.
Okay. All right.

Hi.

Hi.
Hi.

[THUNDER RUMBLES]

[***]

Hi!
WOMAN: Get away from me!

Taxi!

Hallelujah!

Excuse me. Heh, heh.
This is my cab.

What, you own it?
No, but I'm about to rent it.

If you see someone hail a cab
and the cab pulls up,

you can't just jump in the cab
and say it's yours.

I didn't see you.
I saw you see me.

Ugh. Sir. Sir, excuse me.
Who saw you first?

Look, maybe you're
not from around here,
but there's a code.

Certain rules that we try to follow.
Fine! Forget it. I'll get out.

But not because you're right,
but because I'm in a terrific mood
and you're ruining it.

No, I'll get out.

Now what?
I don't know. You tell me.

Hey, hey!
Where's he going? Come back!

Well, that was stupid.
Why'd you get out,
you stupid-head?

You said you were
in a great mood
and I was ruining it.

I felt bad.

I'm sorry,
did you just call me
a stupid-head?

[***]

How's your great mood now?

Please, stop talking to me.

So why are you
in such a good mood
anyway?

Not that it's your business,
but good things
are happening to me.

Wow, that's great.
I hope it continues.

Thanks.

Well, have a nice life.
And try not to steal
any more cabs.

Yeah, you do the same.

Hey, there's a penny
right there.

Why don't you pick it up?
It's good luck.

Only if it's heads.

Now somebody else
can have good luck.
Bye.

Bye.

[INDIA. ARIE'S "A BEAUTIFUL DAY"
PLAYS]

WOMAN:
Thank you for coming to
Hudson Mutts.

Hi, Nutsy!

Oh, my God.
You're glowing.

ZOE:
Hello.

DAPHNE:
Oh, my God.
She's glowing, right?

Tell us everything.
There's not much to tell.

No, no, no.
You got shot up with a wad
of red-headed freckle sperm.

There's something to tell.

Wait.
He had red hair and freckles?
Why'd you do that?

Tried to talk her out of it.
Red pubes. Ew.

I never saw his pubes.
It was a vial of semen.

So come on,
what happened?

I lay down,
put my feet over my head.

Five minutes later,
it was over.

I barely felt a thing.

So basically,
it was like having sex
with Clive.

You wish.
I'll be in the back, legs over my head.

CLIVE: Red hair and freckles!
ZOE: You had your chance!

[DOOR CLOSES]

What?
I don't know. It's just weird.

Who is this guy
she was with anyway?

She wasn't actually
with him.

Yeah, but I still
want to kick his a*s.
Is that wrong?

You're stupid.

[***]

[***]

WOMAN:
Okay, all right.

Welcome to
Single Mothers and Proud.

As the name suggests,
we are all single, mothers

and, uh, proud. Ha, ha.

Hey, all right.

Okay.
Some of us have adopted.

Some of us have conceived
with a donor.

Every story is different,
but with the same common
denominator.

We wanted a child,
and we made it happen
on our own.

We sure did.
We sure did.

Are you already a single mother
or are you trying to become one?

Oh, I was just inseminated
a few days ago.

Inseminated. Makes me feel
like a cow or something.
Heh, heh.

Well, we do what we have to do
when we don't have a p*nis partner.

WOMAN 1: That's right.
So let's hear about you.

Oh, okay. Let's see.
Well, I own a pet store.

Yeah. I used to work
in the corporate world,
which was great for a while,

but it just didn't feel like
the life that I wanted to live.

So now I'm happy on
the work front, but you know.

I don't know. Even though
I have more balance,

it's personal.

I still haven't found "the one,"
so that's why I'm...

Well, the elusive one.

Good luck.
WOMAN 2: Yeah, right.

CAROL:
If I had a dollar for every time
I heard that.

I thought I'd be married
with kids by now,

but that's just not happening,

so I guess it's time
for my backup plan. So...

Well, Zoe, listen.
If you really want a baby,

we here at
Single Mothers and Proud,
ah-ha,

we can be your partners.

From inception to graduation,
everything in between.

We can be here for you.

Great.

Thank you.

Dakota was born
right here.

In this very room.

Right where you're sitting, actually.
Really?

Mm-hm.

Right here?

Ha. Imagine that.
Funny.

So how old is your baby now?

I'm 3.

[WOMEN MURMUR
AND CHUCKLE]

So cute.

MONA:
Why do you need a support group?

You're not very supportive.
What?

You just told me that
if I breast-feed,

my girls are gonna wind up
looking like empty tube socks.

Hey, I'm just being honest.

Don't even get me started
on what childbirth does
to your bladder.

What does it do
to your bladder?

[LAUGHING]

Oh.

I think I just peed
a little bit.

I don't think I'm pregnant anyway.
Doctor says it takes a few tries.

Something about
frozen sperm being lazy.

MONA:
Oh, come with me
for a minute.

I have to make some muffins
for some bullshit
teacher-appreciation day.

You're gonna make muffins?
Oh, hell, no.

But there's a place here
that sells them.

I pick out the worst ones
and I pretend I made them.

Come on.

Okay, which is the ugliest? Oh.

Okay, which is the ugliest? Oh.

Seems like a lot of trouble
for something trivial.

Welcome to motherhood.

[STAN SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

[***]

There's that guy.
What guy?

ZOE:
The one selling cheese.
I know him.

He's hot.

He sells cheese?
You sell hamsters.

Can I help you ladies?
No. We're good, thank you.

OLIVIA:
Like what you see?

What?
Just talking about the muffins.

Hey, you.
Hey.

Hi. What a nice surprise.
How did you know I worked here?

I didn't.

Oh, okay.

Did you follow me here?

Follow you?

To the farmers' market?

Are you kidding me?

No, we came to buy muffins.
You were here. Tell him.

You better buy something.
You ate all my samples.

Well, it's really nice to see you,
but I never got your name.
I'm Stan.

Oh, Zoe.
Zoe.

I'm Mona.
So how do you two
not know each other?

He stole my cab.
She stole my cab.

Oh. Okay.

We should go.

We should?
Yeah, we have that important thing.

Can your important thing wait
just a few minutes?

I'll give you a taste of my cheese.

I can rephrase that.

Okay. This is our basic ch??vre.

Probably our best seller
and the cheese that started it all,
as they say.

These are our surface-ripened
cheeses. These are fantastic.

And these are the aged
raw-milk cheeses. Now...

This is really boring, isn't it?

Um, no.
Yes.

This is Louie. He works for me.

Hi.
Hi. Zoe.

LOUIE: Zoe.
MONA: Mona.

Can I give you a sample box?
Oh, yeah.

Um, I'm okay.
Eh, we're okay.

You're not lactose intolerant,
are you? I hate that.

Hey. You're still coming over
tonight, right?

L... Um, yeah. Yeah.

We should go.

Are you ready?
I want a sample box.

Okay. Well, I gotta go. Bye.

Uh, bye.

[***]

Bye.

You said free sample box, right?
LOUIE: Yes.

Free? Okay.
Absolutely.

In that case...

Okay, spill it.
Who is he, what does he do,

how do we know him?
ZOE: Who?

Stan from the farmers' market.
He's called twice already.

I'm gonna k*ll Mona.

Is he a farmer?

[GRUNTS]

He makes cheese.
He's a Pilgrim?

Oh, Mona called too.
She said his feta
was incredible.

That makes so much
more sense now.

Who is this guy?

He's nobody.
He's just some guy.

Are you blushing?
She's blushing, right?

You're totally blushing.
She's blushing.

Can we just calm down and
get ready for the book signing?

No.
DAPHNE: No. This is exciting.

I'm not calming down.

Look, he's nobody.
And even if he was somebody,
it doesn't matter

because I don't want
to be with anybody. Okay?

So let's just get back to work.

Finding a relationship is work.
ZOE: I don't want a relationship.

Well, it is.

MAN 1:
Yo, taxi.

MAN 2: So dogs have
an ingrained pack mentality.

If we don't assert leadership
over our dogs,

our dogs are going to show

unstable behavior
or dominant behavior.

In other words, in the dog world,

who you are is stable
or unstable energy,
leader or a follower.

So when a dog introduces himself
to another dog, what do they do?

[SNIFFING]

[WHIMPERS]

Exactly.
When a human wants to meet a dog:

"Oh, my God, he's so..."

So I mean, it's like, poor dog,
you know?

And so they're interacting based
on energy and also the nose...

Okay.
Now this is getting weird.

I know. We keep running into
each other. It's crazy.

ZOE:
Oh. So your being here
is just another coincidence?

Oh, no. I love this guy.

Don't you have someplace
to be tonight?

Not till later.

Do you even have a dog?

No. But I might get one
now that I can
"be the pack leader."

The dogs would just shake it.
"Do you want to play again?"

Look,
I'm really busy here.

Okay, so you have
a boyfriend or something.

Just tell me. I can take it.
No.

You just know
you're not interested in me?

You're making a big mistake.
I'm very interesting.

I'm just not interested
in men right now, okay?

Oh, you're g*y?

I'm not g*y.

WOMAN: Quiet.
MILLAN: Hey, you two.

Would you please take it outside?

STAN: Sorry.
Okay, sorry about that.

That was awkward.
Yeah.

This is not a good time for me, okay?
I'm going through some changes.

Menopause?

Menopause? Seriously?

How old do you think I am?

Okay. You know, let's start over.

Because the more I think about it,
we'd never make it as a couple.

You're way too skeptical.
We should be friends.

I have enough friends.
You can never have too many.

What you doing tonight?
Getting takeout and going to bed.

Clearly, you don't have
that many friends.

Okay, here's my
proposition.

And don't freak out
because it requires
very little commitment.

I'm getting takeout too.
Let's walk together
to the same place,

order and pay for
our own respective meals,
and then we'll say goodbye.

Where do you want to go?

[MICHAEL FRANTI
AND SPEERHEAD'S
"SAY HE Y (I LOVE YOU) PLAYS]

Here you go.
Thank you.

No fair. You chose
this place because
it takes like two seconds.

Ha. No, I chose it
because it's the best.

I want to see you take a bite of that.
I don't believe you're gonna eat it.

Fine.

There. Happy now?

You have no idea
how good this is.

I can't believe you lived
in New York your whole life

and you've never gone
to Gray's Papaya.

What's wrong with you?
I haven't lived here my whole life.

We moved out of the city
when my parents bought the farm.

Oh. No, not died.
They actually bought a farm
and we moved upstate.

They retired to Phoenix
five years ago,
and I run the place now.

What about your family?

Actually, my parents died
when I was young.

It's just me
and my grandmother now.

Oh. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
It's okay. It was a long time ago.

Look, I really have to go.

All right. But I can't let you
walk home alone

because this is a very
dangerous neighborhood.

What school did you go to?

Well, I kind of dropped out.

I met this Swedish girl
during my semester abroad
and...

Let me guess.
You fell in love
and got married.

And started an inn in Vermont.
Of course.

It lasted like three seconds.
I didn't know how to run an inn.

And she didn't know
how not to sleep with
everyone who worked there,

so we got divorced.
Ouch.

Yeah, she took everything.

I had to move back in
with my parents,
work myself out of debt

and try to figure out how
not to blame every woman
on the planet

for Ana's whorish ways.

How's that going?
Not so good.

[***]

[***]

Okay, I want
to know everything.

[CHUCKLES]

First kiss?

Some jerk with a dirt bike
and chapped lips.

Oh.
You?

Seventh grade.
She wore braces and headgear.
It was terrifying.

Ouch.

Hey. Look.

Here's one for you.
That's weird.

Okay, best kiss?

Oh.

That's a tough one.

Because if we weren't just friends,
I'd kiss you right now.

Then I'd be your best kiss.

How do you know?

I know.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

Is someone looking for you?

Yeah. I have to go.

Okay.

Okay.

Bye.
Bye. I'll call you.

You think it was the muffin girl?
I guess. I don't know.

Why do I even care?

You like him! Ow.

Oh, God. What if I'm pregnant?

Then it'll work out perfectly.
What do you mean?

Because if you really like him,
as soon as that happens,

you'll break up with him,
because you're pregnant.

You won't have to
put yourself out there,
possibly get hurt.

Hey, that's your dream.

Be quiet.

Besides, I'm not pregnant.

And I'm okay on my own.

Are you gonna see him again?

Yeah, I think so.

No.

[WHIMPERS]

Not gonna happen, Nutsy.

[PHONE RINGING]

[BARKING]

Hello.

Oh, Stan.

[***]

Go away.

Stop it!
You're making me nervous.

[URINE SPLASHING]

[GROWLS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[TOILET FLUSHES
AND FAUCET RUNS]

You're early.
I'll be a minute, okay?

[GROWLS]

Three to five minutes, actually.

You want a beer?
Yeah, sure. You want one?

Uh...

I'll let you know.
Okay.

[NUTS WHIMPERS AND THUDS]

Oh, my God. Is he okay?

He's fine. Happens all the time.

Go.

I'm sorry. Can you give me a minute?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, good.

Damn it, Nuts.

Give me that. Give it to me.

Let go.

Let go right now!

STAN:
Zoe, everything okay?

Uh... Yeah.

You know, just showing him
who's the pack leader.

[GASPS]

You idiot!

You better not swallow that thing.
Give it to me. Nutsy.

Open. Open.

You look really pretty tonight.
Thank you.

You look really pretty tonight.
Thank you.

I mean, you always look really pretty,
but tonight you look especially pretty.

And that dress is...

It's really something.

Thank you.
You're welcome.

Did you buy a new dress
for our date tonight?

Don't flatter yourself.
I'll take that as a yes.

Ha, ha. I guess you'll never know.
I guess not.

Except you left the price tag on.
What?

Allow me.

I got it.

[***]

I've had this dress for a long time.
It's just I haven't worn it yet,

so that's why the tag was still on.

You're not that special.

Really?

ZOE:
Look at this place.

I don't know what to say.
Finally.

What's that supposed to mean?
It means, "Good, don't say anything."

You don't have to say anything.
Just come over here, sit down.

What, you think I talk too much?
I did not say that.

So what did you say?
It's just you're very quick.

You always have a response
for things, which I like.

But tonight,
just, you know,
be surprised.

Surprise.

[LAUGHS]

You're good.

So you worked for
an Internet company?
I don't see that at all.

I was a very important person.
You would've been impressed.

Really?
How did you get
the pet store?

Actually,
it was through my dog,
Nuts.

I bought him at
this fancy pet store
near my house.

Cutest puppy you have ever seen.
Six months later, he almost dies.

Turns out he was from
one of those puppy mills

where the dogs are so inbred,
he was just kind of falling apart.

What did you do?
Did you sue them?

I thought about it.
Then I thought:

"What good would that do?
They'll still sell inbred dogs."

So I quit my job,

and I took
the stock-option money
over to the pet store

and I bought it.

I know how to milk a goat.
Does that do anything for you?

[LAUGHS]

No, not really.

Can I ask you a serious question,
Zoe?

What?

[***]

Did you buy that dress
to wear for me tonight?

[WHISPERING]
I will never tell.

[WHISPERING]
Really? Because...

I have ways of making you talk.

[ZOE YELLS]

Oh. Oh, oh.

Let me get that. Let me get that.
My dress! I got it.

Oh! There's a hose over there
behind the fence.

You see it? Get the hose.

[GRUNTING]

Okay, this is w*r.
What? No!

STAN:
Okay, hand it over.
Hand it over!

[STAN GRUNTING
AND ZOE SHRIEKING]

It was mean.
You weren't even pointing at the fire.

You just soaked me.
You were pointing at my face.

But I wasn't trying
to soak you.
I swear!

Oh, whatever!
I looked into your eyes

and I saw you had
this crazy look in your eyes,
like a crazy person.

That's not true.
It is true. You know what else?

I think I owe you
another dress.

And I definitely
owe you another date.

I'd like that.

Why don't you come to the farm
with me next weekend?

[***]

I'll call you.

I'll wait by the phone.

What?

[NUTS COUGHS]

[***]

Holy sh*t!

I know.
Are you sure?

If I'm not,
then my dog is.

You're not making any sense.

So you're definitely
pregnant.

Congratulations!
How are we feeling?

We're freaking out!

What she said.
HARRIS: Why?

We performed an
inter-uterine insemination

using sperm that
you purchased.

This isn't exactly
what we call an accident.

It's just happening so fast.

WOMAN:
Keep breathing. Pump those arms.

What did you all eat last night?

Hey, Arthur.
Well, hello, my dear.

Oh, no, no, no,
don't get up. It's okay.

I can't get up.

Came to see my lovely fianc??e?
Yes.

Oh, she's looking fine today,
let me tell you. Just fine.

Hi, sweetheart.
Hey.

Baby.
Hey. I need to talk to you.

Sure.
Alone.

Shirley.

Don't worry about them.
They can't hear anything anyway.

I'm pregnant.
What?

I'm pregnant.
Huh, what?

I'm pregnant.
I can't hear you, darling.

Oh, Jesus, Judy!

She's pregnant.
Turn up your hearing aid.

I'm confused.
You said this is what
you wanted.

But this guy, he's special.
And now the whole thing's
gonna fall apart.

What makes him so special?

I don't know. He's very real.
And funny.

And different.

I like him, Nana.

What should I do?

Zoe.

You always get ahead
of yourself.
You barely know him.

Spend some time with him.
See what he's really like.

He could be a total d*uche bag
and then the whole thing is moot.

Yeah. Yeah.

[TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

Maybe he is a d*uche bag.
Oh, come on.

You think he'd ask you away for
the weekend if he had a girlfriend?

There's no way
he's dating that muffin b*tch,
Zoe. Trust me.

Who can say?
Maybe he's looking to get laid.

Oh, well,
don't have sex
with him, okay?

You can't.
Because that will really
complicate things.

I know.
It's gonna be hard though

with three times
the amount of blood
coursing through your body.

Excuse me?
Oh, yeah.

That's why pregnant women
are so horny all the time.

Is that what it is?
I thought it was me.

MONA:
Oh, no. When I was pregnant,
my whole body was so sensitive

I could have an orgasm
sitting on a bus.

Ugh. I think I'm gonna be sick.
Me too.

Why?
It's a happy story.

[GROANS]

All right, I'm just gonna go up there
WOMAN: Disgusting.

And tell him
that I'm pregnant.

Just lay all my cards
on the table.

Okay, good.
Just don't lay on the table.

Okay? Because
you cannot have sex.

[COLBIE CAILLAT'S
"FALLIN' FOR YOU" PLAYS]

Don't look at me like that.

I know. This is a big mess we're in.

I'm gonna fix it.

[NUTS GROANS]

sh*t. Here it is.

[CAR CRASHES]

Watch out
for that tree.

Yeah, thanks.

Hi.
Hi.

ZOE:
The tree should not have been there.
That's all I'm gonna say.

Whatever, Mrs. Magoo.

Oh. Ha, ha, ha.

Come on. I'm glad you're here.
Okay.

ZOE: Me too.

Stan.

There's something I need to tell you.

[***]

I'm pregnant.

Yes, pregnant.

Okay, maybe like:

I'm gonna have a baby.

I'm with child.

sh*t.

Stan.

Stan. Stan.

I've been inseminated.

Yes, inseminated.

I'm gonna have a baby!

Stan?

[SNIFFS]

Oh.

[SNIFFS]

Spoon, spoon. Ooh.

[MOANS]

[WHIMPERS]

Mm-mm. Mm-mm-mm.

[GROWLS]

[STAN CLEARS THROAT]

Would you like a plate?

A napkin? Trough?

[LAUGHS]

These are for you.
That's so sweet. Thank you.

You're welcome.

You're good.

Mm-hm. Okay.

ZOE:
It's just that stew
was so delicious.

STAN:
I knew you'd like it.

ZOE:
So, what's the next step
for a cheese farmer?

STAN:
Very funny.

I want to start
a sustainable gourmet shop,
okay?

Cheese, wine, bread,
prepared foods,
but everything local.

Nothing from farther than 30 miles.
All based on the farmers' markets.

That's a good idea.
Thank you very much.

I'm good at ideas.
I'm just not good
with follow-through.

I wasn't good
at marriage.

I wasn't good at running
a bed-and-breakfast.

Thank God
we didn't have kids.

You don't want kids?
I don't think so.

Well, I don't know.

For years,
I never thought about the future.
I just kind of lived in the moment.

But maybe I'm different now.

I really want to
take the next step.

I really want to
move on with my life.

About the future.
Uh-huh.

Let's talk about that.
Okay.

Because the future
is now.

Right?
Right.

There's something that
I need to tell you.

Hold that thought.

Come here.

[***]

I want to show you something.
What is it?

It's cheese.
ZOE: I can see that.

No, no, no, it's new.

I had this idea to use these
two different types of goat's milk

to come up with something
really unique.

It's sweet

and sassy and complex.

[LAUGHS]

STAN:
I was inspired.

So, what are you saying,
I'm your cheese muse?

Yeah.

Hm.

You're kind of hard
to read right now.

Well, I really want to kiss you,

but it smells like cheese in here.

[***]

We have to take it slow,
okay?

We can't have sex.

Fine.
Okay. Okay.

Okay.

Okay.

Okay. Oh.

[MOANING]

Did you just...?

[MOANS]

[PANTING]

Holy sh*t!

Is my nose bleeding?
You punched me.

I'm sorry.
No. It's okay.

It was amazing.

It was like
over-the-top amazing.

What was that,
like three or four for you?

Stan. Stan.

There's something I have to tell you.

Okay.

What is it?

[VOMITS]

Zoe?

[ZOE CRYING]

Why are you crying?

I'm pregnant.

Ha. I'm pretty sure it doesn't
happen that fast.

ZOE:
No, I know.
It's hard to explain.

STAN:
What are you talking about?

I'm pregnant.

Who's the father?

I don't know.

I mean, I know who it is.
I just don't know his name,
exactly.

It's a donor
from a sperm bank.

Seriously, what the hell
are you talking about?

When did all this happen?
Actually, it was the day we met.

Yeah, I didn't think to tell you

because I didn't think
there was any way that
I could be pregnant so fast.

But why?

Because I wanted a baby.

I never met the right guy
and I thought that
if I waited any longer

I might miss my chance.

All right,
we just made love.

And you're telling me
that you're pregnant
with some stranger's child.

Don't say it like that.
You make it sound dirty.

I wanted a baby
and I thought
I had to do it alone.

It was before I met you.
I don't know what to say.

What am I supposed to say:

"Congratulations,
this is terrific news"?

I made this big decision
to do this thing.

And then I met you.

I'm sorry.
About what?

Getting pregnant
or lying to me about it?

I didn't lie.
You didn't tell the truth.

[CAR ENGINE STARTING]

[METAL CLANKING]

Where are you going?
I just thought this would be easier.

To just disappear
at the crack of dawn?
Don't I get a say?

You said everything
there was to say
last night.

No, I didn't.

You left out the part
that you had a girlfriend.
That was pretty convenient.

I don't have a girlfriend.

That girl from
the farmers' market.

She's not my girlfriend.

She was,
but that was a few years ago.

[GROWLS]

Olivia's in my class.
We study together.

Study what?

I'm a student.
I'm still in school.
I go at night.

Why didn't you want to tell me?
Because it's embarrassing.

You're this incredibly
accomplished person,
and I didn't even finish college.

I mean, I got this great life,

but I'm barely passing economics.
You know?

Where are you going?
Look, let's not drag this out, okay?

I lied to you, you lied to me.

We both have other plans,

and being together is just
messing everything up.

We should just go
our separate ways.
Goodbye.

[JESSICA JARRELL'S
"KE Y TO MY HEART" PLAYS]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

So how did you two meet?

We can talk later
in your office
or whatever.

Okay.

Well, everything seems
right on track.

A little blood. Quite normal.

Stan, you don't
have to stay in here
if you don't want.

I'm fine. I'm good.

Now, I'm gonna do an ultrasound.
This is how we view the fetus.

Oh. Oh, I see,
you rub it on
her stomach.

For a minute, I thought
you were gonna
put that huge thing...

In her vag*na?

Oh.

It's too early to go through
the abdomen, you see.

So we have to go
through the vag*na.

vag*na, vag*na, vag*na.

Maybe if I say it often enough,
you'll feel a little more comfortable.
vag*na.

It's not working.
HARRIS: Okay.

Okay, now, Zoe.

With a little bit of luck,
we'll see a heartbeat.

ZOE:
That's it? That little thing?

Is everything okay?
Everything is just...

[HEARTBEAT THUMPING
OVER SPEAKERS]

STAN:
What? What?

I see another heartbeat.

It has two hearts?

No, but you have two babies.

[THUD]

Are you gonna leave now?

Because this is more
than you bargained for.

You know, it's more
than I bargained for.

But just tell me, okay?
So I can be prepared.

I just need to sit here,
you know?

Okay.
Okay.

But then are you gonna leave?
Okay, one kid is a lot.

Two kids is a posse.

I'm just getting used
to us as a couple.

And now all of a sudden
you're having a posse.

Are you ready for a posse?

[***]

[CHILDREN YELLING
AND SHRIEKING]

I don't even know if I like kids.

DAD:
Hey, beat it, pal.
All right?

Look, I don't want to
cause a scene,

but get your hands out
of your pockets

and get the hell out of here.

No, I'm talking to you,
because you're the only pervert

with his hands in his pockets
at a playground.

I'm not a pervert!
If you don't have kids, get lost.

I have kids, okay?

A week ago,
I didn't even know
she was pregnant,

and now
she's having twins.

I just saw the ultrasound.
The one that goes inside.

Oh.

I know what you need.

How did this happen?

Just take that off.
This here?

Yeah.
Oh, man, I'm dizzy.

I'm sweaty and dizzy.

[LAUGHING]

That's normal, bro.
Is it? Which one's yours?

I've got three.
Three?

Yeah, look.
That's Charlie right there,
and that's Roxy.

See that little fella?
Yeah.

DAD: That's Mack.
STAN: Oh.

He's eating sand.

Yeah.
By the time you get
to the third one,

you don't worry so much
about that stuff.

What's it like,
the whole kid thing?

It's great!

Except for the lack of sleep,
free time,

sex with my wife,

buck-naked Fridays
in the family room.

That's not the answer
I was looking for, man.
It's fine.

The best way
I can describe it is

it's awful, awful, awful,

and then something
incredible happens.

And then awful, awful, awful.

Then something incredible
happens again.

It's like this all day,
every day, man.
I feel like I'm drowning,

like I'm gasping to get
my old life back.

And then a small moment happens

that's so magical,

so life-affirming
that it makes it
all worthwhile.

This will be the best thing
you ever do.

Dada!

Hey, son.

I guess this would be
that moment, huh?

Yeah, this would be it.

Hey, what do you have there,
son?

MACK:
Poo-poo.

Well, almost.

Son, is that cat sh*t?

No.

That's your sh*t?
No.

This ain't even his sh*t.

Charlie, Roxy,
meet me at the bathroom.

What did I tell you
about playing with
other people's sh*t?

So why are you upset?

It's so lucky.

To get pregnant
on the first try with
frozen sperm is rare,

but to get pregnant
with twins?

I mean, come on,
that is unheard of.

CAROL:
Okay, okay.
When you want to speak, you can.

Does anyone else have anything
in the meantime

that they'd like to share?

Tabitha.
Yeah, I'm having a hard time.

Luca keeps asking me
why his friends
have two parents

and he only has one.

I knew this would
happen someday.
I wasn't prepared...

Okay, there's this guy.
WOMAN: What?

His name is Stan,
and he's fantastic.

Wasn't I just speaking?

You know how
you never meet somebody?

The kind of guy
who makes you rethink everything.

Like, maybe I can
be a stay-at-home mom.

Maybe I can.
I'll love being barefoot
and pregnant.

Maybe he can teach me
how to make cheese.
We can live off the land.

Zoe, this group
is called Single Mothers
and Proud.

ZOE:
I know.

I know, I know. I'm sorry.

I wasn't planning
to meet anybody.

It just happened.

And now that I've thrown
all my plans out the window

and really fallen for this guy,

I'm just afraid
that he might not stay.

What should I do?

Oh.

I don't know.

This is wildly outside
my field of expertise.

Yeah, because we're
a single-mothers group.

So we don't tend to give advice on
how to get your boyfriend to commit.

CAROL:
Not usually.

Maybe you should join
a different group.

Ding-dong.
No.

Okay. We are gonna have to
take a vote on this, Zoe,

because I think we,
collectively, feel

that you are in a very,

wildly different place
than where we are.

So we are going to take
a vote.

Okay.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[***]

Taxi!

Hi.

How did you find me?

I called the store.
Said it was an emergency.

What is it?

[BOTH LAUGH]

You're crazy.

I don't expect you to stay.

I don't expect you
to expect me to stay.

What if I want to stay?

Well, then I'd be surprised.

And happy.

I can't promise anything.
Neither can I.

Okay.

Okay, fine.
Give me the hot dog.

[***]

Perry and Hudson.

Feel free to run every red light.
DRIVER: You got it.

[LAUGHS]

Here we go.
Here we go.

[K-OS' "CRABBUCKIT" PLAYS]

ZOE:
This sucks!

Nothing fits me!
Please, just let me wear sweats.

Honey, you can't wear sweats.
This is important.

I'll get that.
Wait, let me suck it in.

[STAN GRUNTING]

Have you got a jacket
or something?

Got you. I got you. Are you all right?
Yes.

I can't.

Ow.
Oh, watch it.

ZOE: I'm gonna throw up.
What?

MAN: Good to see you.
How are you?

Stan.
Oh, you are a prince.
Thanks for coming.

Sea urchins?

ZOE:
Excuse me.

[DOOR OPENS]

WOMAN: Hi.
Hi.

[CLOTH RIPS]

I split my dress.
And I didn't want to go.
How about that?

Oh.

[CHUCKLES]

STAN:
What is that thing?

Oh, Mona gave it to me.
It's supposed to help me sleep.

Okay.

[SHRIEKS]

Hold on.
Okay.

[GROWLS]

[ZOE SNORING]

Zoe?

STAN:
It's been two weeks now

and all she ever wants to do
is sleep with that pillow.

The pillow is a b*tch.
It's totally replacing you,
right?

Completely. She drags it everywhere.
My wife, she drew eyes on hers.

I went to make a move
in the middle of the night,

the pillow is staring at me.
Yeah.

Like, "Bro, I don't think so."
We used to have sex all the time.

Every day.
Now I can't touch her.
I can barely go near her.

Dude, she's pregnant.
You can't win.

The only one who wins is the pillow!
The pillow!

Screw that pillow, man.
You might have to. I did once.

We're gonna be fine.

Gonna get through this.
Everything's gonna be fine.

In a year's time,
this is just gonna be
a funny memory, right?

That's right.
Before you know it,
the kids will be in school,

and you'll long for
the days when a pillow
was your biggest problem.

Must be hard when
they first go off to school.

Little school shoes,
little backpacks.

No, saying goodbye
to the kid is easy.

Saying goodbye to 20 grand,
now, that's hard.

What are you talking about?
What's 20 grand?

And you have twins.

Ooh. Double-whammy.

That's a whole lot
of Parmesan.
Ha, ha, ha.

Parmesan.

[GROANS]

Oh, my God.

All right, this one says,
"most natural nipple."

That looks nothing like
my n*pples, Nana.

This one says,
"BPA free."

What's BPA?
I don't know.

So how do you know
you don't want it?

It's Bisphenol A,
and you do not want it.

If you're gonna use a bottle,
which we do not advocate

because breast is best,
Better.

LORl:
Use a glass bottle.

How are you, honey?
I'm good. Oh.

We missed you
at the meetings.

Okay, yes.

I never heard back after the vote,
so I just assumed that I was out.

Oh, no, it was unanimous.
Didn't anyone call you?

Uh, hm?

Uh...
No?

Okay.
Okay.

Well, this is my Nana,
and this is Arthur,
her fianc??.

NANA: Hello.
Nice to meet you.

How do you do?
When are you getting married?

She's kept me
waiting for 22 years,
so I'm not holding my breath.

Zoe, can I put you on
the phone tree?

I kind of want
the whole group there
when it happens.

Thanks.
That means a lot.

Okay.
Well, happy shopping.

And check out the strollers
on aisle six,
because they're awesome.

Did you not call her?
Okay.

LORl: I don't know.
Okay.

[***]

[DOOR OPENS]

ZOE:
Stan!

Stan!

Lookie!
STAN: Zoe?

Hey.
What is that?

It's a Twin X Deluxe,
the Rolls-Royce of strollers.
Isn't it awesome?

It's big.

It's supposed to fit through
most doorways.

I don't think so.
Just let me get it sideways.

Keep trying.
It's gotta have a thing here.

Hang on. Hang on.

Oh, sh*t!

Are you okay?
It bit me.

What the hell
is going on here?

You're supposed to get an outfit
to bring the babies home in
from the hospital.

How many babies
are you having?

I just got two of everything.
Look, baby Village People.

How much money did you spend?
Where are we gonna put all this?

Don't worry. It'll be okay.
I don't see how that's possible.

You haven't even
had the babies yet
and everything's changed.

You know what? There's the door.
If you want to go, you can go.

Stop it. I hate it
when you do that.

I know. I'm sorry.

Let me see.

Sorry.

[***]

Have you gotten
to page 279 yet?

No, I stopped reading
when you tore out
one of my pages

and used it as a napkin.
Heh, heh, heh.

Well, it says here
that women in
their third trimester

experience
hormonal mood swings

and their partners
just have to be extra
understanding about it.

Are you coming on
to me right now?
It's kind of hard to tell.

What?
You have chicken in your hair.

I do?
Right there, yeah.

Did I get it?

Mm-hm.

You know what, honey?

I'm sorry, but not tonight,
okay? Okay?

Okay.

[FOOD CRUNCHES]

[BELCHES]

Sorry.
That's okay.

[***]

[PAN CLATTERING]

Hey, babe.
Hey. You want some breakfast?

No, thank you.

It's still nighttime.
Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm good. I'm good.
Do you know how much
preschool is?

Twenty grand.
For circle time.

What about college?
I think colleges run about
50 grand right now.

But that's right now, so in 18 years,
it'll be double that, at least.

And we have twins,
so double it again.

So, what's that,
like 200 grand a year?

We haven't even bought
books or clothes or sh*t.

They're probably gonna need
cars when they're at school.

You know I'm gonna be a pushover
and buy them whatever they want.

So, what's that,
like half a million a year?

I don't have half a million a year.
I'm in night school.

Just something
I was thinking about.
It's no big deal.

Why don't you come back
to bed, honey?

Okay.
Okay.

[***]

Did I wake you up?
No.

We're gonna be okay.

I have money saved.

It's not just about
the money.

I'll figure out a way
to make enough money.

What is it, then?

It's just...

I need to know.

Are you still in there?

I'm still here.

Excuse me.
Can I help you?

What do you think?

[MERCHANDISE CRASHING]

It's a bit overwhelming,
huh?

There are so many,
and they're so big.

Well, they have to be big.
Two babies, right?

Yeah, but babies are small.

These are for,
like, giant mutant babies.

You should see some of
the babies that come in here.
Total fat-asses.

[WHISPERING]
By the way, my boyfriend
and I do custom work.

We can solve this.

[DOOR OPENS]

[SCREAMS]

Zoe?

What are you doing?

Nothing.
How was your exam?

Shitty. Come on,
what were you doing?

Nothing.

I gained three more pounds
this week.

And I think it went
all to my a*s.

You look great.
You always look great.
I missed you today.

I miss my old a*s.

You know what's weird?
I never knew your old a*s.

It was kind of like this a*s,
but way hotter.

ZOE: Baby.
STAN: Yeah?

ZOE:
This is my old a*s.

Mm?

What?

Why do you have a picture
of your a*s?

My college boyfriend took it.

So in all fairness,
it doesn't look exactly like that,

but it's pretty close.
It's held up.

Yeah, it's a nice a*s.

Look, this is me
in the seventh grade.

This is me and Nana
at my confirmation.

This is the last picture
I have of my mom.

She lived for a few
more years after this.

But we didn't take any pictures.

She didn't want us
to remember her that way.

I was 8 years old when she died.

[***]

I can't imagine.

She had this great laugh.
And really soft hands.

She used to rub my back
before I went to sleep.

It's such a small thing,
but I think about it all the time.

Why don't you ever talk
about your dad?

She was in a coma
for two years after this.

He didn't stick around.

Oh, God, Zoe.

I'm so sorry.

It's no big deal.

It was an important lesson
for me.

That's when I realized
that nothing lasts forever.

So now you know everything.

Some things can last forever.

Maybe.

So about my exam.

I didn't exactly...

[PHONE RINGING]

That's weird.

I'm confused.
Why'd you say you'd
come in the first place?

It seemed like a good idea
at the time.

Is that Zoe?
Zoe!

CAROL: Hey.
LORl: It is so nice of you to come.

Hi.

Yeah, we just wanted come
and stop by and say a quick "hi"
and good luck.

No, you're staying.
You have to stay.
Lori wants us all here for this.

I really want to stay.

[LORI GROANING]

She's having
a contraction.

Okay. So, what
were you saying?

This is Stan.

Of course.
STAN: Hi. Hi.

Congratulations.
LORl: Thank you.

Hey, you two
should get in here.

No, this is
your special moment

and we should go.
LORl: No. Oh, God, I'm not shy.

Come on, I've been
through it before.

I am not shy, Zoe.
It is really quite beautiful.

How long do we have to stay here?

Just wait till it starts. We'll sneak out.
Okay.

[DRUM BEATING]

Come on, everyone.

It's happening.

Come on.
She's about to
get into the water.

[WATER SPLASHING]

The what?

[HUMMING]

I'm gonna be
out here, okay?

[LORI GROANING]

Just relax.
Breathe.

Wow.
I know. Isn't it amazing

how the human body
can just open up
like that?

[ALL HUMMING]

I'm gonna go get a little air.
I'm feeling a little...

No, Zoe.
Don't you move, Zoe.

You're my focal point.

What?
LORl: Oh, God.

TABITHA:
Push, Lori. Push.

[GROANING]

Holy sh*t!

You can't leave.
You're her focal point.

Can't she use somebody else?

She's in labor.
You can't argue
with her now.

WOMAN 1:
Someone grab her legs.
Lift them up. Lift them up.

WOMAN 2:
Push. That's it, push.

Breathe.

Jesus, what is that?

Perfectly natural.
Sometimes the bowels
just release.

Ridley, if you could.
WOMAN 3: Okay, okay, Lori.

No, Zoe! Don't you move!
You are my focal point.

What does that even mean?

I need to turn over!
I need to turn over, please!

We are here for you, sister!
I need to turn over.

TABITHA:
We are all pushing
with you!

[GRUNTING]

Here comes the head!

Get me a mirror! I want to see it!
No! You don't!

g*dd*mn it, Zoe, don't move!
I thought you wanted a mirror.

Stan, the mirror!

What?
The mirror!

What mirror?

CAROL: Get the mirror!
Stan!

CAROL:
For the love of God!
Stan, get the mirror!

WOMAN 4:
Get the mirror!

[ALL SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

Hi, I'm Stan. I'm sorry.
Give me the mirror. Nobody cares.

STAN: Okay.
No. No.

Look at all that hair.
That's not the baby's hair.

WOMAN 5:
One last push!

[LORI SCREAMS]

[BOTH SCREAMING]

[SIGHS]

[BAB Y CRYING]

[ALL GASP]

Everyone says
it's so beautiful.

I thought
it was terrifying.

I don't ever want
to see that again.

But you want
to see ours, right?

I don't know, baby.
It was just...

I shouldn't have seen that.

Hey, I was just coming by
to see if you were okay.

I was worried about you
after the exam.

What happened with your exam?
I was trying to tell you last night.

Wow. Wow.

What happened?
I walked out of the exam.

Why?
I'm quitting school.

I can't believe you're pregnant.

Why are you quitting school?

Because if I stay in school,
I can only work part-time.

If I work part-time,
I can't afford our expenses.
I need to work.

I had no idea it was this serious.
You're having a baby?

I didn't know
you'd been together that long.

Well, yeah, they're not mine,
but yes, we're having a baby.

We're having twins,
actually.

What do you mean, "Not mine"?
I didn't mean it like that.

Why would you say that?
I'm sorry.

I'm not exactly thinking straight.

I've been up all night
watching Orca give birth.

I am such an idiot.
No, Zoe.

Oh, God, I am so stupid.

This is not about money

or that you can't afford kids.

You don't want this.
That's the problem.

He always told me
he didn't want kids.

Why are you still here?

Okay.
That's it, isn't it?

Really? After everything
we've been through,
you think I don't want kids?

You really think that?
That's what you just said.

It's not what I just said.
It's what you just heard.

There's a big difference.

I don't think
you're ready for this.

Now that it's all happening,

now you've seen
a woman push a baby out,

now it's all too real for you.
And you're scared.

Damn right, I'm scared.
Yeah.

Aren't you scared?
You know what I'm scared of?

I'm scared that I'm gonna
have these babies,

and then
you're gonna walk away.

You're gonna say,
"They're not mine,"
and just walk away.

Every day,
you're looking for some
kind of hint that I'm leaving,

no matter how many times
I tell you I'm not.

I don't know what else to do.
What else am I supposed to do?

[***]

Nothing.

So, what are you saying?

Just go now.
I don't want to go.

Go.
This is crazy, Zoe. It's crazy.

If you don't go, I'll go.

Wow.

You know what? Just so you know
when you do the autopsy here,

you better realize
you have no one to blame
but yourself.

You had to come along, didn't you?

I was fine with my plan.

Totally fine with it.

MONA:
You've lost your mind.

ZOE:
Just give me a boost.

If you think you are getting
into this Dumpster...

I need that pillow, okay?
I can't sleep.

I will never sleep again
without that pillow.

Well, go to his house.

Tell him you're sorry.
Then you'll be able to sleep.

This has nothing to do with
that stupid pillow.

I'm not going to his house,
okay?
He walked away from me.

You made him walk away.

Oh, what do you know?
You weren't there.

I've known you for 30 years.

I know that you would never
see this through.

I know that you don't trust people.

You and your grandmother,
crazy-pants.

She's been engaged to Arthur
for how long now?

She's never gonna marry him.

Just like you were never gonna
stay with Stan.

Okay, Mona.

I mean, no wonder
you got a sperm donor.

He's the perfect boyfriend.
He'll never let you down.

You know, I used a sperm donor
because I wanted a baby.

Because I wanted a family.

Because Nana's not gonna
live forever,

and then it'll just be me.

Look, just go home. Okay?
I don't need you here.

I need my pillow.

[***]

I'm sorry.

That was too far.

Yeah. That was too far.

But you know I'm right.

Stop talking.

My pillow doesn't talk.
It just lies there and shuts up.

[NUTS WHIMPERS]

Don't beg, Nuts.

My God,
you are stubborn.

Knock, knock. Ha, ha.

Who's ready
to celebrate?

Oh, Mona, I'm so glad you're here

because now
I can tell both of you together.

I'm getting married.

[BOTH]
What?

Next weekend.
We finally decided to do it.

[ALL SCREAM]

MONA:
Oh, my God.

It finally hit me.
This man loves me,
and I love him.

What the hell
am I waiting for?

Oh, I have you
to thank for it, Zoe.

Just seeing you
and Stan together,
how happy you are.

You know, the way
you've just thrown
caution to the wind

and decided to go for it.

I want some of that too.

[CORK POPS]

What?

Stan and I broke up.

He said the babies weren't his.
He didn't mean to say it.

Tell her the whole story.

He said it.

If he said it, he thinks it.
If he thinks it, then he feels it.

And if he feels it,
what choice do I have?

NANA:
Zoe, you know that's not true.

You're just looking for
another way to back out.

Thank you.
I'm not gonna do this.

This man has chosen
to be with you and raise
your kids as his own.

You're just gonna throw that all away
for some stupid word choice?

[***]

[WHIMPERING]

Look at you.
Oh, look at you.

[CRYING]

I'm worried about you.

No, don't worry.

I'm great. I'm great.

I'm just emotional.

Come on, let me just
finish your makeup.

Honey, you don't always
have to be so strong.

I know you learned it
from me, but it's no good.
What does it get you?

It means that I take care of myself,
just like you always did.

No, Arthur takes care of me.

He's been taking care
of me for 22 years.
I just didn't want to admit it.

Zoe, stop pushing people away.

I don't want to talk about this, okay?
Listen to me.

Zoe, you will never have
a healthy relationship

with Stan or any man
if you don't.

You have to learn
to trust people.

[***]

Hm?

Okay?

[DOORBELL RINGS]

What is that?

It's your custom stroller,
the Twin X Torpedo.

ZOE:
I didn't order this.

Your husband did.
Or your boyfriend.

I don't know exactly
what your relationship is.

Stan? When did he do that?

About a month ago.

You don't like it. sh*t.
We worked really hard
on this one.

He wasn't gonna leave,
was he?

Huh?

I'm not really sure
what's happening here.

Oh, God.
We gotta go get him.

What?
I'm getting married
in 20 minutes.

Weddings never start on time.
We can't be late. He's 93 years old.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

Stop it.

ZOE:
Pick up.

He has to pick up.

I'm gonna hurl that thing
into the f*cking holy water.

[SINGING
"WHAT A WONDERFUL WORLD"]

[BUZZING]

Ah. Is this new? "The Zoe?"

Yeah.
Yeah, it's the first week
it's been out.

Can I have a sample?
What's it like?

It's stubborn, overly suspicious
and distrustful of men.

Huh?

[CONTINUES SINGING]

This song is taking forever.
This song's never gonna be over.

[GASPS]

[ALL SIGH]

What time is it, Shadybrook?

[CONGA MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

That's right.
It's conga time.

[ALL CHEER]

Everybody, get out there
and shake those titanium hips.

WOMAN 1: Conga.
Conga time.

I need to talk to you
for two seconds.

MONA: We really gotta go. Come on.
We have to go.

[ALL SCREAM]

[SINGING
"SHE DRIVES ME CRAZY"]

Please,
get me out of here.

I can't find any exit signs
behind the purple flowers.

Who knew the conga
was this much fun?

I have rhythm
all of a sudden.

[CLIVE SCREAMS]

Oh, sh*t.

Why is the floor wet?

Damn it, not again. No, not me.
WOMAN 2: It wasn't me.

Not me.
MAN: Nope.

I think my water
just broke.

Oh! Baby time!

[***]

[ALL PANTING]

Stop it!

Aw. What can we do
for you, darling?

This dress is tight.

I can do it.
If you want to let me.
Grab the strap.

Aah! Aah! Fingernail.
Can we make a pit stop?

[HORN HONKING]

[PEOPLE SCREAMING]

WOMAN:
You can't drive in here!

Okay. Move it.
Out of the way.
Lady with a baby.

MAN:
Are you just gonna leave it there?

OLIVIA: Zoe? What's going on?
Your muffins suck a*s!

I'm going out of my mind.
What are you doing?

I'm trying to call you
and doing the conga.

My dress is falling.

When they say labor's painful,
they're not kidding.
It really hurts.

You're in labor?
But the stroller came.

It's so beautiful.

Oh, God! That hurts.

Why didn't you pick up your phone?
When?

I called you a hundred times.
I wanted you at the wedding.

What wedding?
It was so beautiful.

And then it wasn't.

People slipping everywhere.
Oh, God, I hope nobody got hurt.

You're not making any sense.
No, that's just it.

Everything makes sense.

All of a sudden, everything
is just so crystal clear.

And the thing that's the clearest

is that I am so madly, deeply,
and completely in love with you.

I can't imagine spending
another minute apart.

[***]

Stan.

Stan?

Zoe, after all this time,
you come in here
and you expect...

[ZOE SCREAMING]

I gotta go to the hospital.
I gotta go.

STAN: Zoe.
Let's go. Move it! Get the lead out.

STAN: Zoe, wait up! Zoe, wait.
MONA: Let's go, let's go, let's go.

Listen. How do I know
when things get tough,
you won't just run away again?

I can't handle it.
You broke my heart.
You completely destroyed me.

You destroyed me too!
It's not like this has been
easy for me!

Oh! Son of a b*tch!

Just breathe through it.
It's gonna be okay.

Don't you tell me it's gonna be okay!

You don't know it's gonna be okay.
It hurts. I'm scared.

It is gonna be okay!

Let's try to refrain
from yelling at the patient.

I'm not yelling!

I'm getting her to see my point!
Sounds like yelling to me.

What's it gonna take for you
to believe I'm here forever?

You had to see a stupid stroller?

What about the fact that
I've been to every doctor's
appointment with you.

I picked out names with you.

I saved this
from the very first day we met.

It's the one that was tails-up.
You flipped it to heads.

I've kept it
this whole time.

And it's brought me
the most incredible luck.

I can't believe you kept that.

What about the fact that,
like it or not,

I will be here holding
your hand through this?

What about the fact
that I'm gonna be here
when these babies are born?

Because I love their mommy.

And what I want more
than anything else in the world...

is to be their daddy.

But you have to promise me
that from now on

you'll believe me
when I say I'm in.

And I'm not going anywhere.

Can you do that?

Can you?

Yes.

Okay.

HARRIS:
All right, now push.

Okay.
HARRIS: Time to push. Go.

[GROANS]

Breathe, breathe.

Breathe.

STAN:
"Remember my three rules.

No touch, no talk
and no eye contact

while the dog's nose is busy
analyzing our energy

and all the different scents
in our body.

This sniffing can last
from three seconds to a minute.

It's important not to interrupt
the dog

while she's intent
on accomplishing this ritual."

You know, one day,

I'm gonna tell you girls the story
of your mommy and me.

Cesar should write a book
about that one.

Talk about a bestseller.

Come here.

That's nice.

Come here.

It was a battle,
but they finally fell asleep.

Penny had to poop and then...

Don't talk about Penny's poop
when I'm about to kiss you.

Mm. Okay.

STAN:
It's perfect.

You know what the best part is?

You can stop in for lunch
every single day.

All right. You're here.
Speech. Speech.

STAN:
Okay, thank you.

Wow.

Thank you all for coming.

This has been a dream for me
for a long time.

Uh...

And I need to thank one person
for giving me the courage to do it.

To Zoe.
ALL: Zoe!

From the moment you stole my cab

from the day you dissed me
at the farmers' market,

I have been totally
and completely under your spell.

I love you.

And you've made me
the happiest man alive.

It was my cab.

[ALL LAUGH]

Come over here for a minute.

MONA: Give me that.
What?

[PEOPLE LAUGH]

STAN:
Since we do everything
backwards and in hyperspeed,

I was wondering
if we could do

what only naturally follows
having twin girls together.

Oh, my...

MONA:
Holy sh*t!

STAN:
Will you marry me?

Say yes.

Yes.

[CHEERS]

[***]

ZOE: I can't believe it.
STAN: I know.

Did we really just get engaged?
Yes, we did.

Soon you will be my wife.

[ZOE LAUGHING]

ZOE:
Oh.

Stan.

[***]

[VOMITS]

Stan.

[BARKS]

[JENNIFER LOPEZ'S
"WHAT IS LOVE" PLAYS]

MAN: Action. ZOE: What?

[STAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[HUMMING]

[LAUGHING]

[MOANING]

Whoa. Mm.

[WHIMPERS]

[PEOPLE LAUGH]

Dakota was born right here.
Right where you're sitting,
actually.

How did you do that
here in this chair?

LORl:
The seat comes up.

[PEOPLE LAUGH]

What do you have in your hand?
Daddy, poo-poo.

WOMAN:
What a good girl. You're okay.
Tuck, get up there. Go on.

Go on. Go on. Go on.

[LAUGHING]

Now, wait a minute!
Just one second!

When did you eat corn?
Is this cat sh*t?

No.

We don't even know
what kind of sh*t it is.

[LAUGHING]

WOMAN: Go on, go on.
Good, good, good.
Go on, go on, go on.

[WHIMPERS]

MAN: Take one.
Take five. Take 10.
Fifteen. Twenty-four.

There. Happy now?

STAN:
You know what goes
into those things?

Oh, my God.
O'LOUGHLIN: Awesome.

Yeah, do that.
That would be nice.
Oh, God.

Breast to face.
There is no better bond
that could be made.

Breast to face.

Buck-naked Fridays
in the family room.
Buck-naked Wednesdays.

Buck-naked Friday
while the maid is cleaning
your living room.

Buck-naked.
Buck-naked.
Naked.

Oh, God. Oh, God.

[GROANING]

CAROL:
Perfectly natural.

Sometimes the
bowels just release.

My mother is dead.

If she was here,
she would probably
let me feed from her teat.

[PEOPLE LAUGH]

[BLEATING]

[GROWLING]

WOMAN:
Get the mirror, Stan!
I will rip your throat out!

[STAN GROANING]

Oh, no. Oh, no.

[GRUNTING
AND GROANING]

Not tonight, okay?

[LAUGHING]

Okay.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

MAN: And cut.
Food in my hair.