[DOOR OPENS]
[LETTERS SCREAMING]
[LETTERS SHOUTING]
[SNAPS PHOTO]
LETTERS: Aw.
JOE: My job sucks.
Got no future,
got no benefits.
[POUNDING ON DOOR]
I'm here to play.
MAN: Oh, yeah?
Who are you?
Who am I?
I'm on the list.
Show me the list.
I'll point me out.
Yeah.
There is no list.
Charles Lazaro
invited me.
Oh, so what
you're telling me
is that you're a friend
of Fat Charlie's?
Well, I'm not a friend
like the doughnut guy,
but, yeah,
we're friends.
Well, we got a little
problem here, pal.
Fat Charlie
has no friends.
You know what?
I think we got off
on the wrong foot here.
Thug?
Mr. Thug?
Oh, sh*t.
Goin' down.
[THUD]
Jimmy, you crafty
son of a b*tch.
You really think you were
gonna get away with this?
Huh?
Step back
a couple feet, will you?
My name's Bond...
Barry Bond... s.
Huh?
You got a little
something...
[ELEVATOR RINGS]
Right in the...
[MUSIC PLAYING]
Play the paper.
Sir, there is
a $100 minimum.
Right.
Of course. Heh.
How embarrassing.
There we go.
There's...
There's twenty-one.
And that's, uh, yeah.
Hi.
Hi.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing
there, Polyester Paul?
Excuse me, sir?
You're dealing from
the bottom of the deck.
This man is dealing from
the bottom of the deck!
[PEOPLE MURMURING]
Did you see that?
See what?
Okay? We all caught you.
Is there a problem, sir?
Yes, there's a problem.
Three-card Monty here
is dealing from
the bottom of the deck.
I assure you, sir,
that's impossible.
Oh. Really?
If it's impossible, then how
come he dealt himself
a perfect... Thirteen?
CROWD: Ohh.
BOSS: Sir, why don't you
step this way?
We'll sort this out.
Don't you know
who I am?
No, I don't know
who you are.
Okay, well, why don't you
find somebody who does.
All right, Zorro?
[DOOR OPENING]
Well, looks like today's
your lucky day.
I know who you are.
See?
He knows who I am.
Oh, yeah.
You're the guy that's
leaving here tonight
in the trunk of my car.
Let me guess.
Fat Charlie, right?
That's right, moron.
Now listen to me.
Nobody accuses my joint of
cheating, you got that?
Yeah, well, I do,
and I got the pictures
to prove it.
See for yourself.
[CROWD GASPS]
FAT CHARLIE: There ain't
no pictures here.
Charles Lazaro,
you're hereby served
to appear as a witness
in the racketeering trial
of Freddy Marcuso.
FAT CHARLIE: What are you,
some kind of a wacko?
Serving me papers
in my own joint?
Rip his jugular
vein out.
Okay, Lieutenant.
If I'm not out in 60 seconds,
send in your boys.
BOY: [ON WALKIE-TALKIE]
Okay, Joe. Roger that.
[CROWD MURMURING]
Charles, it's a pleasure
serving you.
And you,
eat something.
THUG: What?
You don't fit in.
Heh.
Nice work, kiddo.
Next time,
you hurry up.
I'm freezing
my a*s off out here.
[CHUCKLING]
There you go.
And, hey, don't spend
all that on candy.
Son of a b*tch.
It took you six days
to serve this guy.
Six freakin' days!
Hey, he disappeared on me.
A guy named Fat Charlie
disappeared on you?
Poof.
Puff the Magic Dragon.
Just gone.
Poof. Bye-bye.
And I guess you mean
to tell me you ain't see
the Chrysler Building
on your way over here,
either.
If you want to spend
your life chasing
nickel-and-dime papers,
you go right ahead.
Ray, the guy was
a difficult mark,
and I served him clean.
What else do you want?
RAY: You know
what I want?
I want you to be
more like Tony here.
Well, that's impossible.
I walk upright.
What are you saying?
I don't have good posture?
You're a Neanderthal.
And I say kiss my a*s.
My mouth's
not big enough.
RAY: Hey, hey, hey.
Look...
You see this?
I gave Tony this file
two hours ago.
It's done.
What's going on
with you, Joe?
You used to be
my money guy,
my assassin.
Now, in the time it takes
you to do one job,
Wopalong Cassidy here
serves seven papers.
It would've been eight,
but I let Joe have that one
in Miami.
The only reason that is that
the mook can't take Miami.
It's too damn hot
down there.
Miami's not a city. It's a
steam room with mosquitoes.
That's great, Tony.
You're a regular
process-serving savant.
What'd you call me?
Savant.
That's somebody who's really
good at something...
Oh, thanks, Joe.
While being
a complete idiot.
[THUD]
Hey!
Ladies, please.
Yeah, you really did
serve these really fast.
In fact, you served them
yesterday.
What? What are you
talking about?
What's the date today?
It's the... The 10th.
It's the 11th,
numb nuts.
Give me that.
g*dd*mn it, Tony!
Relax, Ray, relax.
I'll go back to the
courthouse. I'll refile it.
It's the big white building
with the pillars in
front of it.
Hey, screw you, Joe!
I'm tired of you
calling me stupid.
I'm not the one
growin' a grape vine
in my living room.
This loser thinks
he's going be
Ernest and Julio
freakin' Gallo.
Ray, do you have
a job for me or not?
Look, I got one job
right now.
It's an important job
out of Texas.
It pays five grand.
Well, I was gonna
give it to Tony,
seeing he's been
so hot lately,
but now that we know
he can't read a g*dd*mn
calendar,
makes me a little edgy.
So here.
What, you're gonna
give it to Joe?
After two months
of screw-ups?
It's gonna take him
Well, thanks
for the prediction,
Nostra-dumbass. Don't you
have a courthouse to find?
Eat me.
Eat you?
I've never been
that hungry in my life.
[SIGHS]
Listen, Joe,
this is the Texas branch
of my biggest account
here in New York.
This file could open up
a lot of out-of-state
business for me,
you understand?
It's an easy job.
All you gotta do
is do it fast.
None of that lollygagging
six-day crap on this.
I'm serious!
You got it, boss.
And let me just say
from the bottom
of my heart...
That suit is kickin'.
Get out!
I'm gonna go.
You better go!
This suit kickin'. sh*t.
This suit cost me $300.
[COUNTRY MUSIC
PLAYING ON CAR RADIO]
Say, what time's your flight
again, sweetheart?
It's 11:20.
Well, lookee there.
Perfect timing.
I am the King.
Well done, Mr. Cowboy.
That's right, Mama.
I tell you what.
You're my darling,
dearest, deary,
darlin' gal, and I'll
tell you what,
any of them New York
boys got
their hands on you, and ooh,
I wouldn't know what to do.
[GIGGLES]
Well, here we are.
Now, hey, you'll call me
when you get there?
I will.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I love you, girl.
I love you, too.
Okay.
You get that all right?
Well, go on.
Have a good time.
Okay. Bye.
[CHUCKLES,
BLOWS KISS]
[LAUGHS]
Hey, you!
Hey, darlin'!
Hey, how are you?
Good.
Huh? What'd
I tell ya?
Perfect timin'.
You're the King.
Thank you very much.
KATE: Ooh, I missed you.
Hey.
[HORNS HONKING]
All right, all right,
we're gone.
Quick as a hiccup.
[BOTH CHUCKLING]
Hey, Joe.
No hard feelings
about before, Joe?
Really. Good luck.
Yeah. Blow me.
Yeah.
Keep dreaming, Joe.
He gets me with that
every time.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
Hello?
TONY: Sara Moore?
Yeah.
Listen up.
If I were you,
I'd get the hell out of
your apartment right now.
Who is this?
Let's just say,
uh, a friend.
Look, some as*h*le
is on his way up there
to serve you papers.
He's gonna say
he's delivering flowers.
Papers?
What, is this about
my parking tickets?
No, no, no. It's a lot bigger
than that.
Look, I really don't
have any idea
what you're talking
about, so...
Hey, lady, when is
getting served papers
ever good, huh?
Don't be stupid.
Hang up and get out.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Oh. Um...
Sara Moore?
Um, no.
She lives there
in 7E.
Thanks.
You know, once that
little light goes on,
you're good.
Yeah.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Sara, welcome home!
SARA: Why are you
calling me Sara?
Hey! Sara!
Merry Christmas.
sh*t.
SARA: Taxi!
Taxi!
Oh.
Excuse me. Ahh.
[HORN HONKS]
h*. Whoa!
Mrs. Moore. Do you have
an appointment?
I just need to get away
for a sec.
Okay. Have a nice day.
[GROANS]
WOMAN: I'd like
to request...
Sir, can I help you?
Sir, this is
a woman's spa, sir.
Cool.
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
[JOE GROANING]
Either of you two creatures
seen Sara Moore?
Get out!
Hey, you are wrapped
too tight, lady.
ATTENDANT: Excuse me, sir,
you cannot...
WOMAN: Hey, Sara,
welcome back!
SARA: Why do people keep
calling me Sara? I'm not.
Can I help you?
Hello?
MAN: Damn, slow down.
Whoa.
Oh.
I can't believe you
messed this up.
I did not
mess it up.
I told you he'd mess it up.
It's a g*dd*mn
cakewalk, Joe.
Look, I chased her all through
Midtown Manhattan
for two hours.
I froze my d*ck off.
Boo-hyphen-hoo.
Ha!
Has anybody informed you
this job is not easy?
I'm gonna find her.
It's not gonna be a problem.
Well, it already is
a problem.
I'm giving
the file to Tony.
What?
Come on,
give me the papers.
You know what?
I don't know what
the hell I was thinking
giving you this job
in the first place.
Look, you are making
a mistake, Ray.
I know exactly
where she is.
Good!
Tell it to Tony.
Thanks, boss.
She's up Ray's a*s.
You should know
your way around.
[CHUCKLES]
[CHUCKLES SARCASTICALLY]
[MAN YELLING]
[BEEPING]
MAN: Hey, Joe.
Hey, Lenny.
Santa, you're supposed
to give the gifts,
not take them.
I've got a present for you.
Milty, I need a favor.
Yeah, and I need
a smaller prostate.
I need the file
on 4983!
That's a small U*i
and two vials of crack.
Milt, Milt, look.
Can you get me the addresses
on these speed-dial phone
numbers please?
Uh, I don't know if you
noticed here,
but the "in" is winning
by a landslide.
Okay.
Maybe this'll help.
Oh, no. I think my eyes
are going
because I only see 20 bucks.
How about now?
Oh, there we go.
Come back at 7:00.
you can do?
Oh. Now my hearing's off.
I'll see you at 7:00.
[RINGING]
Miami Marriott.
Uh, yes, I'd like to make
a reservation, please...
Under the name
"Sara Moore"...
For a check-in early
tomorrow morning.
Okay.
Thank you.
[DISCONNECTS]
Now, let's see how
we did today.
Ooh, careful.
Oh, yeah.
Nice nose.
Better than yesterday.
Oh.
Yeah, I'm the idiot.
Nice place.
It's good.
[SPEED DIALING]
[RINGING]
WOMAN: Miami Marriott.
Uh, Sara Moore, please.
One moment please.
Uh, sir, I'm sorry,
but Miss Moore won't be
checking in
until tomorrow morning.
Tomorrow morning.
Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.
I gotcha.
May I help you?
[NEW YORK ACCENT]
You got gas.
Excuse me?
You got leakage.
Excuse me?
Not you, lady, your house.
But we have electric.
Yeah, I know. That's why
it's kind of a pickle.
Can I sniff around?
Actually, no.
Thanks.
I'm not sniffing any gas,
but I do detect the
smell of coffee.
You know, I think you
should just leave.
Why don't you run in the
kitchen and grab me
a cup of coffee,
all right, cupcake?
Nice place you got here.
It's real rustic.
SARA: Amanda?
Hey, are you okay?
What's going on?
I heard all that shouting
down there.
[GASPS]
Oh, no.
Sara Moore, you're hereby
served for divorce.
Divorce? What?
Smile.
No, hang on. Wait a minute.
You must have the
wrong person.
Um, you must be looking for
a different
Sara Moore.
That's what they all say.
But I'm happily married.
Not anymore.
Could I get that coffee
to go or...
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
[ANSWERING MACHINE]
This is Ray.
Who the hell is this?
Hey, Ray!
I'll tell you who the
hell this is.
It's Joe.
So why don't you put that
doughnut down for a second
and listen to me?
Guess who I just served?
Sara Moore.
That's right.
So, get your checkbook out,
and since you took
me off this gig
and I had to do it on
my own time,
you better pay me
double, okay?
Say good night, sweet prince.
Oh, no.
Uhh!
Look, if you want to use
the phone, just ask.
You serve Fat Charlie,
and now Fat Charlie
serves you!
And I say we served him
pretty good, too.
[SNORTS]
So, Brooklyn's in the house?
[PASSES GAS]
Hey.
Oh, my God. Sara!
Sara, oh, my God,
you've got to see this.
[PUNCHING CONTINUES]
What?
THUG: Huh? Huh?
What about this?
Now do I fit in?
How does that fit,
huh?
Heh. I'm glad.
Aldo, you know, I've been
doing some thinking lately.
I'm getting kind of tired of
carpooling. How about you?
I could use a little room
myself, you don't mind, Petey.
There's a car right here.
I could just take this car,
no?
Why not?
You're not taking my car,
that was nothin'. Come on!
Whoa.
That all you got?
Get over here!
[GROANS]
What are you,
some kind of machinist?
Are you trying to say
"masochist"?
What a meathead.
Whoa.
Uhh!
Hold on. Hold on a second.
Your diaper's loose.
Uh!
[CAR ENGINES START]
[CARS PULL AWAY]
That's it?
That's all you girls got?
That was nothin'!
Nothin'!
Baby's gonna take nappy.
[BRAKES SCREECH]
[GROANS]
Ohh.
SARA: Sorry. Wretched bag.
Well, well,
there is a god.
Actually, it was two Italians.
SARA: Do you have
any feelings?
Do you have any shred of
humanity or compassion?
Well, little sick dogs pull
at my heartstrings,
but certainly not trophy wives
from Australia.
Australia?
Look, first of all,
I'm English, you twit.
And second of all,
we've had our ups and downs,
but I stuck it out,
and trophy wives
don't do that.
You know what?
The guy on the phone
was right.
You are an as*h*le.
Hey, I was just doing my j...
What guy on the phone?
The guy that called up
to my apartment
to say you were on your way up
with those lovely papers.
Somebody tipped you off? Who?
Yeah, like I know everyone
in New York
with a Brooklyn accent.
Tony. It's gotta be Tony.
The son of a b*tch.
He's been tipping off my marks
for two months.
That's why it's been so hard.
Well, my heart bleeds for you.
I'm gonna k*ll that
son of a b*tch!
Mind your own business,
pork chop.
[HORNS HONKING]
[FLY BUZZES]
g*dd*mn bug!
Hey, chico, make it
cooler. Cooler!
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Not louder! Cooler!
[MUMBLING IN SPANISH]
No gringo. Italiano!
Mambo Italiano.
No Mambo Italiano.
Mambo king!
Armand Assante.
[SPEAKS IN SPANISH]
Hey, chico, just drop me
off in America, okay?
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Hey, hey, I've got
another question.
How do people do it?
I know you're awake,
so stop pretending to
be asleep.
Actually, I was pretending
to be dead,
but can't fool you.
How can someone end
a marriage like that,
just... Pow?
Look, are you telling me you
didn't see this coming?
Let me guess, a lot of trips
out of town.
"Go ahead, honey. Go ahead.
"Don't worry your pretty
little head.
"I'll take care of
the homestead."
Not to mention those extra
poker nights with the boys.
Gordon doesn't play poker.
Missing my point.
Look, I've served thousands
of subpoenas.
Granted, never one to
somebody as hot as you.
I don't know your husband,
but I do have a great deal
of insight into men,
and we are mean, hurtful,
and despicable.
Male headquarters would
k*ll me if they knew
I was telling you this.
Yeah, well, despicable
is putting it mildly.
And then you complain that
we get half of everything.
Believe me, for this type
of treatment,
half is the very least we
should get.
The only thing you're
gonna get half of,
honey, is screwed.
What do you mean?
He served you first,
he's in Texas,
and he's got
home court advantage.
Wait, served me first?
What is this, third grade?
Yeah, sometimes.
Texas has the most
conservative divorce laws
in the country.
Not to mention those
good ol' boy judges.
I'm sure most of them aren't
married to their first wives.
Believe me, if I had known
this was coming,
I'd have been the one
doing the serving.
Yeah.
How about that, huh?
Whatever.
No, seriously,
what would've happened
if I'd served him first?
Okay, if you had served
him first,
the trial would've been
in New York, not in Texas,
where you would have
fared a lot better.
Fifty percent better,
actually.
Hey, I have a
proposition for you.
You tear up the papers on me,
and I'll hire you
to serve my husband.
I'll pay you twice what
you're getting now.
Look, here's what you
don't understand.
I've already told them
that I served you, okay?
So if I flip it and tag
your husband,
my reputation will be shot.
I'll never work again.
I'll give you ten percent
of my divorce settlement.
[SCOFFS]
We own a cattle ranch.
It's worth $20 million.
$20 million?
Mmm-hmm.
Ten percent of half.
Mmm-hmm.
You're willing to pay me
a million dollars?
Well, that still leaves
nine for me,
versus next to nothing.
It's kind of a no-brainer.
You're really serious?
I think we should draw
up a contract.
Let's see.
I'm not going to be
needing this.
One...
Million...
Dollars. Great. Let's go.
Thanks a lot.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Miami Marriott.
If anybody calls
for Miss Sara Moore,
tell them she's relocated
to one of your hotels
in Bangor, Maine.
Bangor, Maine.
That's right. Bangor, Maine.
That's where she'll be.
I thought we were going
to Dallas?
We are. Just playing a little
game of hide and seek.
Now break out your
credit cards.
We got tickets to buy.
JOE: All right, got my papers,
and you know your way around
this place, right?
SARA: Actually, I've never
been inside before.
Gordon always said it was his
place to come and "focus."
All you have to do is
point him out
and then stay out of sight,
because if he sees you,
we're done.
Is it okay if I strangle him
from behind?
[CHUCKLES]
Yes, you can do
whatever you want,
but wait until I serve him.
Okay.
[SIGHS]
Let me see that scarf.
Okay, all set. If you
have a moment,
I'd like to take you two on
a little tour here
of our facility.
Why, that would be lovely.
HOST: Great.
So, what part of London
are you from?
Hampstead.
Hmm. I'm sorry,
I'm not familiar with it.
Well, it's on the corner of
Penny Lane and Abbey Road.
Hmm, very interesting.
How many pounds were you
looking at losing?
Well, I don't think
it's important
to talk about money at
this point, do you?
[LAUGHS] You see,
pounds, money...
Be quiet.
[CLEARS THROAT]
How exactly did you
hear about us,
Mr. and Mrs...
Poppins?
Well, we have
an acquaintance
here at the club,
a Gordon Moore.
Solid, solid...
Solid fellow.
Absolutely.
As a matter of fact,
I believe Mr. Moore
is working out here
this morning.
Perhaps we'll run into him.
Perhaps.
I'll just show you
the men's area now.
Jolly good.
Mrs. Poppins,
if you'll wait here
for just a moment,
we'll be back in a jiffy,
as you say.
Oh. Okay, thanks.
[MOUTHING] I know.
I should tell you I don't
like to lift things.
GORDON: I'm sweatin' and
you're glowin', darlin'.
Hey, how's my form?
[CHUCKLES]
Yours is pretty good.
Keep it up, Gordon.
Oh, it's up. It's up.
Focusing, as*h*le!
Sara!
Yeah?
Joe, quick,
it's him! Quick!
Where? Where?
You stop him,
Allison.
Look, lady, I'm not
gonna hit a girl, okay?
You go, girl!
Come on, Joe!
Well, I guess there's
a first time for everything.
Nice.
Ohh!
Take that!
Aah!
Quick! He's getting away!
Remind me to give you
a raise. [LAUGHS]
SARA: Oh, for Christ's sake.
Look, babe, can we talk
about this?
Ohh!
[BELL DINGS]
Way to lay low back there.
Well, you said to point
him out.
I just pointed him out.
Hey, you're gonna have
to get in control
of your anger, okay?
Made us look like fools
in there.
I did? Well, hey,
at least I wasn't
beaten up by a girl.
Hey, that was not a girl.
I distinctly saw an
Adam's apple
and a bulge that I was
not comfortable with.
The only thing we had
going for us was
the element of surprise,
and you blew that.
Look, I know Gordon's habits.
I can easily find him again.
Oh, what do you think,
he's just gonna sit around,
waiting for us to serve him?
No. He's history.
All he has to do is jump
on the first international
flight,
and then we're done,
all right?
Even if I find him,
I can't serve him outside
the United States.
I don't like your tone.
Oh, you don't like my tone,
Your Highness?
Don't forget, whenever I want,
I can serve your papers again.
Look, you can stand there
and threaten me,
or we can just
get in the car
and go and find Gordon.
Oh, yeah? Okay,
where do you want to go...
Boss?
Well, as your boss,
I'd be interested
in your suggestions.
This is crazy. You're crazy.
And I quit.
Hey, I thought you were
quitting.
Who the hell
am I gonna quit to?
I gave up half my life
for this crap.
[SIGHING]
So, what are we
gonna do first?
Well, I think we, uh,
and when I say "we,"
I mean you,
should find a mute
button for yourself.
[ENGINE STARTS]
[GASPS]
[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]
Excuse me.
Excuse me. Yo!
Hello. Can I help you?
Yeah, you can help me.
I got an important
business meeting
with a Sara Moore.
Sara Moore?
Sara Moore. Moore.
M-O-O-O-R-E.
Here.
You're sure about that?
Yeah, I'm sure
about that.
What's the matter?
I don't look like a g*dd*mn
businessman to you?
No. Sir.
It's just that
her reservation's
been cancelled.
Cancelled? What the...
I do have
a forwarding address,
if that would be helpful.
Yeah, that would be helpful.
Can you throw in a little
breeze while you're at it?
Hey, cutie,
how you doing?
[KISSING NOISES]
She's nice.
Who's that, your sister?
GORDON: Okay, Warren,
earn your money.
You want to tell me
what the hell's going on?
RAY: Sure.
Everything is beautiful.
My best guy served her this
morning up in Westchester.
All I'm doing is waiting
on the papers.
Oh, really? Well,
maybe you can explain
how that's possible
when she's in Dallas, moron.
Dallas?
Dallas, Texas?
WARREN: That's right,
and she's not alone, either.
She's down here with
some g*dd*mn process server
trying to serve my client.
Who's this Joe, anyway?
Is he one of yours?
Joe?
Joe the singer?
No, I, I don't
know a Joe.
Can't say
I know a Joe.
[MUTTERING]
[CLEARS THROAT]
Look here, uh, Mr. Moore,
don't worry
about a thing, okay?
All right?
Just give me
a little more time,
and, as God is
my witness, I will
nail this b*tch.
I will chase her down like
a German shepherd, like she
owed me money!
Hey!
My wife you're talkin'
about there, putz!
Of course, sir.
My apologies. Ahem.
This better get done.
Or I'm gonna hang
your a*s out to dry,
you understand?
[BEEP]
[SOUTHERN ACCENT]
"This better get done.
"Otherwise,
I'm gonna hang
your a*s out to dry."
Jesus.
A redneck telling a black man
he gonna hang him!
It's the new millennium.
Page Tony!
And get Farrakhan
and them on the phone.
I think they might
want a trip down there.
[BEEP]
Doris, could you send
Vernon in here, please?
Now, Gordon,
as your attorney,
I would advise you not to
get your personal security
involved in the matter.
Well, as my attorney,
you screwed this up, dickweed.
Now...
Let's go over this
one more time.
I'm telling you,
I don't know where it is.
You're telling me
you don't know
where it is?
No. I swear to God.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
Yeah.
Tell Mr. Moore
I'll be there momentarily.
Listen to me,
you little punk.
You're not
going anywhere
until we find the stapler.
It was Tommy...
In accounting.
He took it!
I use paperclips!
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
WOMAN: Ooh...
Oh, my word.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
I'm just getting
right off.
You're aware of my current
personal situation, right?
As much as you
told me, yes, sir.
See, I got my tail
in a crack here,
and I want you to do
whatever you need to do
to keep this lowlife
server away from me, okay?
Now, my overpaid
lawyer here
will fill you in
on his description
and whereabouts.
Now, he's with my wife,
so let's not let anything
happen to her.
But, now that guy,
oh, well... [LAUGHS]
I could give a rat's a*s.
Oh, I'll take
care of it, sir.
Got Tony on line two.
He says there's a problem.
No kidding.
Where the hell are you?
TONY: I'm in Maine!
Maine? What the hell
you doin' in Maine?
I'm freezin' my ba*ls off,
that's what.
The b*tch is in Dallas,
you idiot.
Dallas? I think
Joe set me up.
Oh. There's a newsflash.
[IMITATES MORSE CODE]
Look, he's down there
with her
trying to serve her husband.
He flipped on us.
He flipped his mark.
Now, you go stick your ba*ls
in a cup of hot cocoa,
click your heels
three times, Dorothy,
and get down to Dallas.
You nail her first,
or we are done!
It's over. You understand?
Ooh.
You know, I need
to call Miss Cleo.
Psychics, psychics,
is that "P" or "S"?
Let me guess,
employees of the month?
Ha ha.
So I just,
I just don't know
what's normal anymore.
Hi, Doris.
What's going on?
I would love to tell you,
but I can't.
Mr. Moore had his lawyer
make all of us sign...
[WHISPERING]
Affidavits this morning
saying we wouldn't
divulge his whereabouts.
Hmm, nice.
[LOUDLY] Well, you've been
completely useless, Doris.
I really wish I hadn't
been so nice to you
over the years.
Let's go, let's go.
So, what's in Durango?
Oh, we just bought
a cattle ranch there.
I haven't been there
myself yet, though.
It's Gordon's
little pet project.
How do you feel
about walking faster?
Good.
Good.
Two tickets on
the next flight to Durango,
please.
Okie-dokie, I just need
your credit card
and some ID please.
Sure.
There you go.
[SIGHS]
Oh. Well, at least
those two are happy.
Oh, please.
That has affair
written all over it.
Why do you say that?
Who makes out
with their wife?
See? Ring...
No ring.
I bet Gordon's
having an affair.
You think?
Yeah. You know what?
I really do.
Um, I'm sorry, Miss,
but my computer shows
that your credit card's
been, um, cancelled.
Cancelled?
Gordon virus.
g*dd*mn it!
No, no, look. I know
he wants to divorce me,
but believe me,
he would not want me
to be penniless.
Excuse me. Could you
try this card?
Honey, if he cancelled
that card, he cancelled
all the cards.
Excuse me one sec.
Uh, hey...
Denise. Hi.
[SOBBING]
It's not fair.
Oh, no!
[BARKING]
TONY: I just landed.
I'll take care of business.
I'm at the airport.
All right. All right.
Ow! Hey, fat boy,
you need to watch
where you're going.
These tickets say Durango.
We need to go to Amarillo.
This is gonna take me
another minute.
Hey, Joe.
What a nice surprise.
Oh, nice look, Don h*.
So, racking up those
frequent flyer miles?
Yeah. Thanks for
the world tour, a*s wipe.
Well, you've been
tipping off my marks
for about a month,
so I figured
it was payback time.
You figured
that out, huh?
Yeah, using
my brain and all.
Yeah, well,
the way I see it,
all those jobs were mine
before you came along.
So I was just taking back
what already belonged to me.
You grew up around
a lot of lead paint,
didn't you?
Enough of the chit chat,
where's the girl?
What girl?
The girl!
Oh, Sara?
Yeah.
Oh, I think she's
in Copenhagen.
Right? Copenhagen.
Yeah.
TONY: Really?
JOE: Yeah.
The luge finals.
Oh, that wouldn't be her
walking out of the bathroom
over there, now, would it?
[BARKING]
Yo, Tony!
What?
[YELLING]
[GROWLING]
Hey, look,
that man...
He's trying
to serve you!
What?
Go! Go! Go!
Here! Look!
Uh...
Aah! Oof!
Aah! Oh, no!
[YELLS]
Ohh...
Oh, uh...
[SCREAMING]
You okay?
No!
Oh, God!
SARA: Can we stop,
please? Oh!
[WHIRRING]
[BEEPING]
Oh! My pant leg
is stuck!
Ow!
Okay! Uh, here!
Take...
What are you doing?
[GROANS]
[GRUNTING]
Okay!
Jesus Christ,
I said help me,
not undress me!
Oh I'm sorry.
I didn't hear you
over the big machine
that was going to rip you
into little pieces.
Come on.
Well, I only have half
a pair of pants on,
if you hadn't noticed.
Well I, for one,
think you look great.
Find me something
to wear.
Okay.
No, not this one!
Look there!
Here.
No.
I'll do it.
Huh. Which Judd
sister are you?
Hey, it's the only
thing that fitted.
That fits?
Yes.
Yee-haw.
[BELL RINGS]
I ain't cleanin' it up.
[INDISTINCT CHATTER]
Excuse me, cowboy.
Miss, I'm looking
for my friend.
You know, the guy
I was talking to before.
You mean that guy who
threw the dog at you?
Yeah, what a kidder.
Always playing jokes.
Can you tell me
where he's going?
Amarillo.
Amarillo?
Amarillo, yeah, but our
last flight just left,
and he didn't even
get his tickets.
This his wallet?
Yeah.
Good. I'll make sure
he gets it back.
Oh, no, sir.
MAN:
Watch it, man!
Amarillo. What the hell
is in Amarillo?
MAN: [OVER RADIO]
The Pepsi Monster Smash
comes to Dallas
this Friday, Friday, Friday!
And two shows Saturday
at the Union Arena!
[ADVERTISEMENT CONTINUES]
[COW MOOS]
I think we should
find a hotel.
What? We're making
great time.
You said we're,
like, three hours away.
All I know is
that if you sneak
onto a cattle ranch in
the middle of the night,
two things are
guaranteed to happen.
One, you're gonna
tread in cow sh*t,
and two, you're
gonna get shot.
So, you want
to get a hotel?
Come and get him, Joe.
I'll be waiting.
Oh, your sister's a*s!
[g*nsh*t]
Oh!
Don't sh**t!
Don't sh**t!
Hold up!
I'm no thief! I'm just
a process server!
[g*nsh*t]
TONY: Damn!
[HARMONICA PLAYING]
MAN: Let me get
this straight.
You're telling me
you're here from
the motel's parent company
doing spot inspections,
and I should give you
a room for free
so you can see
how it is.
That's correct, sir.
And let me just say
that the degree
of professionalism
that you are exhibiting
here today
will undoubtedly
go in my report.
Well, let me just say
that either you
fork over $34.95,
or you are plumb
outta luck, mister.
You got me?
We're sleeping
in the car.
Let me have a go.
Sir, we've been robbed.
Please take pity on us.
Lady, there ain't
no way in hell
I'm gonna give you
a room here for free.
[GASPS]
Um...
That's, uh, room 17.
Thank you.
Oh, and we do have suites
available as well.
And let me know
if you need any ice.
I love you!
Bummer.
[SHIVERS]
Hey.
How was your bath?
You mean shower.
There's no tub in here.
Oh, well, I'll call
the concierge.
Oh, no, wait a minute.
You got us a free room
in a dump.
Tease me all you like,
I just don't feel right
if I don't have a bath.
I don't get you Americans with
your two-minute showers.
Well, it could be worse.
We could be French
and skip the whole thing.
You must admit, though,
it's pretty cool
the way I got us
our free room.
Oh, yeah.
What are you doing?
Well, I've gotten
into bed,
and now I'm going
to sleep.
No. I am the girl.
I get the bed.
All right,
I'll tell you what.
Why don't you draw
an imaginary line,
and I will promise
not to cross it, okay?
Okay. My line
goes all the way
around the bed.
I knew you were gonna
say that.
Thank you!
Oh, yeah.
SARA: Ah.
Mmm!
Comfy?
Yeah.
Lights out?
No, you know what?
I'm just going to, uh...
Stay up and read
the Bible for a while.
Good night.
Yeah, I guess
I got the gist of it.
You know, assuming you
serve Gordon tomorrow,
what are you going to do
with the money?
Why do girls always
have another question
after "good night"?
Come on.
I'm just curious.
Well, if you must know...
I was kind of hoping
to have my own vineyard.
Napa Valley
or somewhere.
Come on,
I'm being serious.
Oh, seriously.
Well...
A while back, I was
this hot-shot attorney.
You know? I had
all the attachments
that go with that gig.
You know,
a big house, nice car.
Beautiful girlfriend.
Fiancee, actually.
Oh, that
sounds terrible.
I can see why you turned
your back on it.
[CHUCKLES]
Well, anyway, I was given
this high-profile case
to defend this guy
in the cement business.
In other words, the mob.
Really? How did you
know that?
I have an eye
for that kind of stuff.
And he told me
he was in the mob.
[LAUGHS]
Then I realized I'd just
become this cliche.
You know? Some sleazy
defense attorney,
and at that moment, boom.
I got out.
I don't blame you.
Well, the beautiful
fiancee did.
Soon as the money ran out,
so did she.
Sss, ow.
Yeah. Ow.
You know,
all kidding aside,
after you quit,
didn't you miss
the money?
Well, being successful
isn't all about money.
No?
Heh.
So your girlfriend ditched
you because you didn't
have enough money,
and my husband's ditching
me to get it all.
All right.
Good night, then.
Good night, then.
[SIGHS]
[SIGHS]
Oh, all right.
All right what?
I moved the line.
Oh.
It's still there.
I just moved it
a little.
Oh.
Come on.
[GROANS]
Thanks. Thank you.
Oh! Sorry.
That's okay. Just don't
let it happen again.
Okay.
Gentlemen, I'd like
to welcome you to my ranch.
Now, I know
in your country,
it's polite to
remove your shoes
when you're visitin'
someone's humble abode...
Who are all
those Japanese guys
around Gordon?
I have no idea.
GORDON: You do that around
here, those white socks...
Go on.
Go and serve him.
Okay.
Oh, no, wait!
JOE: What? What?
Who's that?
That is trouble.
GORDON: Well,
these here are getting
their daily massages.
Wyatt Earp looks pissed.
Quick. Let's get out of here.
Hey, Vernon!
I need you for a minute!
[SIGHS]
Whoa!
Boy, am I glad
to see you two.
Really?
Of course he is.
Follow me.
Okay.
Well, you sure made it
fast enough.
Now, we're just having
the damnedest old time
milking that old boy today.
[SNORTS]
Well, that's the problem.
See, if you want to get
milk, you need to use
a girl cow. [LAUGHS]
Um, you are
the vet, right?
Yes, I am the vet.
And I'm
the vet's nurse.
Um, it's casual Friday.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Ol' Tornado over there,
he's normally
our feistiest bull,
good for at least
a quart a week.
But today,
hell, we can't get
his pump primed.
Would you excuse me, please?
I need to talk
with my... nurse.
Excuse me.
Tell me they are
not talking about
what I think they're
talking about.
What do you think
they're talking about?
Masturbating
an impotent bull.
Ding ding ding ding!
So, what do you think, doc?
Well, you know what?
We just got a page
telling us that a sheep
has fallen into a lake
and is shrinking at
at an amazing rate.
Just getting
smaller and smaller.
VERNON:
Go look over there!
MAN: Yes, sir!
Better find somebody,
or it's your a*s!
How small can
a sheep get, I guess?
So, um, how do you
get things started?
What do you do
to get the bulls ready?
You know,
the regular way,
but we've been trying
that for over an hour.
Poor old Mickey
there can't even lift
his arms up no more.
Well, maybe it's a question
of inspiration.
I mean, that is
a very attractive rump,
but maybe Tornado needs
a little more oomph.
Like what?
Have you tried
a Barry White CD?
[LAUGHING]
Why don't you just do
what the other doc did when
this happened to Attila?
You know,
relieve the pressure
on the prostate?
Prostate pressure?
Right. Um, nurse?
Did you bring the tools?
Um, no, I'm afraid
I forgot them.
She forgot the tools.
Ha! Can't really do anything
without the tools.
That's all right, doc.
We got everything you need.
Oh, dear God.
[GROANING]
Here, let me help.
Let's get you
nice and lubricated.
How far up
is the prostate?
When you think you've
got there, keep going.
COWBOY 1: We're ready when
you are, doc.
[WHIMPERS]
You fellas haven't
been feeding Tornado
any Mexican food,
have you?
[BELLOWS]
[PASSES GAS]
Aah! Whoa.
VERNON: Get your dumb a*s
over here!
MAN: Yes, Mr. Vernon.
Keep looking.
I'm sorry.
COWBOY 2: Go on, doc.
He ain't gonna give you
an invitation.
Especially not from this end.
Oh...
[BELLOWS]
[SQUISHING NOISE]
Ooh.
How's it feel
in there, doc?
Compared to what?
Better go a little further,
doc. There ain't nothing
happening yet.
Let me help you, doc.
[GROANS]
That's the spot, doc.
You got it.
[MOOING]
Damn, that thing shot up
like a fire hose.
I'm uncomfortable.
Help...
Sure wish you folks
could've been here
a little earlier.
Mr. Moore came by
and had a bunch of those
corporate fellas with him.
He was damn embarrassed
that old Tornado couldn't
put on his usual show.
Look at him go.
Oh, great,
I've lost my ring.
What, was he giving
them a special tour
or something?
Ah, I think it was a little
more than a little tour.
I hear he's trying to sell
the whole damn company.
Hey, you hear that, doc?
Mr. Moore is trying to sell
the whole damn company.
That's fascinating.
[GROANING]
I can't believe
that Gordon is trying
to sell this company!
Mind you, I have to say,
I think it's good news for us.
Well, you know, if he's in the
middle of a big sales pitch,
he can hardly skip town.
You don't seem
very excited.
Did you see what
I just did in there?
I'm gonna need
a minute, okay?
A bull is lighting
a cigarette in there
because of me.
Oh.
There goes my mark.
Hey, come on.
Let's go back to Dallas.
[GROANS]
Oh, my God!
Quick!
No, no, no, no!
[HORN HONKING]
Oh!
The guy must hate
veterinarians.
[g*nshots]
[TIRES SQUEALING]
RAY: No. No, Mr. Cebron.
Everything's
under control. Okay?
I just need
a little more time.
If everything's
so g*dd*mn under control,
tell me what that
process server was doing
snooping around Gordon's
ranch up in Durango
this morning?
What?
Listen, dirt bag,
by tomorrow morning,
I'm gonna have these papers
out to three other firms.
That means you better get her
served by the end of the day,
or you're off the case.
You understand?
Yeah, yeah.
Page Tony!
WOMAN: Tony's
holding on line two.
How'd he do that?
[BEEP]
Where the hell are you?
Don't give me any lip, Ray.
I got shot.
What?
Some nurse is about to pick
pellets out of my back
with a pair of
needle-nose pliers,
so just chill,
all right? [GROANS]
[WHISTLES]
Lucky for you,
these wounds are
only superficial.
First we gotta mow that lawn.
I've been meaning to get
that done anyway.
Mmm-hmm.
Tony! Where are you now?
Amarillo. I found out
Joe and the girl
were gonna serve Mr. Moore
at his ranch in Amarillo,
so I figured
I'd ambush them.
Amarillo?
Father, help me.
They are in Durango.
Durango?
What the...
You know, that Joe's
getting to be one
big pain in my... Aah!
Sorry.
Must've snagged a weed.
I got a g*dd*mn
butcher here!
Durango.
Durango!
[PANTING]
Oh, man.
Whoa!
Nice house.
Thanks.
You know what?
I can't wait to check
Gordon's files
to see just who
he thinks he's selling
my company to.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What if somebody's
home?
There's only Maria,
my housekeeper.
All right, at least
do me a favor, okay?
You go through the back
and get the files,
and I'll distract
the housekeeper.
All right,
but be nice, okay?
I really like her.
I think I can handle that.
Hi!
Holy...
Can I help you?
Are you Maria?
No, I'm Kate.
Do you know Maria?
Do I know Maria?
Do I know...
Yes, Maria's my...
[SPANISH ACCENT]
Second cousin
twice removed.
Oh, my, well let me
get her for you. She's...
Oh, no, no.
Don't do that. If I know
Maria, and I do,
she's not gonna want
to come downstairs
until she looks like
Salma Hayek, if you know
what I'm saying.
Oh. Okay.
[STAMMERING]
Do you have
a bathroom or something?
Because when you say
"Big Gulp" up here in Texas,
you're not
kidding around.
Oh, of course!
Come on in!
Oh, gracias. Don't worry.
It's just number one.
Um, let me show you
where it is.
So, are you from
El Salvador?
What?
Well, Maria's
from El Salvador,
so I figured...
Oh that's right.
El Salvador High.
Go Iguanas!
Cha-cha-cha!
[EXCLAIMING]
Your English is very good.
Well, we had cable.
Oh. All right,
if you just look,
is that all wine?
Yeah. My boyfriend has
quite the collection.
Well, he is
a lucky man,
you pink goddess
of love.
No more callers.
We've got a winner.
Wow!
I take it y'all don't
have a lot of wine down
in El Salvador?
What?
Oh, yes. No, where
I'm from, it's mostly
margaritas.
Ole!
JOE: Have you ever
had a cabernet blend
that is so good,
you drink it and drink it,
and then you pour it
all over your privates?
Oh, I'm sorry. I'm not
all that into wines.
But my Gordy sure is!
SARA: "My Gordy"?
Oh, boy.
Who the hell are you?
Oh, you must
be Sara.
And you must be
banging my husband!
I am truly sorry, Sara.
Mrs. Moore to you, okay?
Look, things happen.
You shouldn't blame
yourself.
Blame myself?
Are you insane?
I'm blaming you, you twinkie,
and that as*h*le of
a husband of mine!
So! Come on, you!
Well, you just got
a quick glimpse
into your future.
When it happens to you,
page me.
Adios, twinkie.
[GARAGE DOOR WHIRRING]
Whoa.
Let's take the Jag.
Yeah, let's take
the Jag.
I'd give my life
for a hot bath.
What?
A hot bath...
Are we suddenly deaf?
No. I just like hearing
you say "hot bath."
Oh. Well,
I'd really like one.
I think I saw a Motel 6
around here somewhere.
Wouldn't you prefer
a five-star hotel?
Sara, your breasts
are great, but...
Joe?
[STAMMERS] I don't think
they're gonna get us
into a five-star hotel.
Do you think cash would?
Oh, yeah.
[GASPS]
Oh, hello,
marble bathtub! Yes!
Do you mind if I have
a $9 bottle of water?
Coming up.
Thanks.
So it says here that Gordon's
going to sell all his assets
to some company, Kobe West?
Yeah,
and let's not forget,
behind my back.
Music?
Yeah.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYING]
So, ahem, quick divorce,
then he makes
the deal, huh? Nice.
Yeah, I know.
Seems like Gordon
cares about the money
more than anything.
Unbelievable.
Yeah. Unbelievable.
I have something else
to show you.
I did a bit more
stealing from Gordon.
In fact, I got his passport,
so he can't flee the country.
Nice work, 99.
Thank you.
Hey, you know what?
He went to St. Bart's
twice in the last month.
And, hey, look at this.
Acapulco on the 17th?
That was our wedding
anniversary.
I distinctly remember
him saying he had to
do business in Omaha.
Instead he was, um...
Doing Kate in Mexico.
Look, Sara,
if Gordon can't tell
how beautiful and sexy
and intelligent you are,
then he is an idiot.
And now I'm an idiot
for saying way too much.
Didn't sound like
too much to me.
[WATER RUNNING]
Am I hearing waves?
Don't you mean
fireworks?
No, waves.
[GASPS] Bugger! Oh!
Oh, God!
Ha!
[LAUGHS]
Sorry about that.
No, no, that's...
That's okay.
Well, I think
I'll just go ahead
and get in the bath.
Great idea. I got some
Mr. Bubbles in my bag.
Alone.
You know, I think
our priority has to
be to find Gordon.
Business first.
Right. Yeah.
Business first.
You know, I was
just about to say
the same thing, so...
Okay.
Okay.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Well, I'm gonna go out
and get some fresh air.
Alone!
[ELEVATOR WHIRRING]
Hi.
Hi.
[PAGER BEEPING]
I'm a veterinarian.
A cow just beeped me.
[CHUCKLES]
[COUNTRY MUSIC PLAYING]
[CHEERING AND LAUGHING]
CROWD: Ohh!
[WOLF WHISTLE]
Hey, how's Maria?
Very funny.
Can I get you
something, honey?
I would really love
a Miller longneck.
You got it.
Let's get down to
business, shall we?
Okay...
Look, Gordon is
a complete jerk.
This much we agree on.
And, believe me,
I didn't need his ex-wife
to tell me that.
I'm in it for the money.
Really?
Yeah, and I know
how this works.
If you serve Gordon first,
then he's going to New York,
and Sara gets half of
a whole lot of money.
But to serve him,
you have to find him.
[CROWD CHEERING]
And you know
where he is?
Look, there's no way
that Gordon's marrying me
without a pre-nup,
so if I want to be
a really rich lady,
and I do...
I have got to wait
on him hand and foot
for the next 20 years.
Thank you!
JOE: Thank you.
Or... I can serve him
up to you for, let's say,
a million dollars?
And I'll never have
to see him again.
Everybody wins.
Except for Gordo.
Exactly.
Just one snag, though.
None of the money is mine.
I'd have to talk
to Sara first.
So talk.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey!
Hey. Nice robe.
Thank you.
Where'd you get to?
You'll see.
Hmm?
What the hell is
she doing here?
She paged me.
Why?
Look, before
you get all in a tizzy,
hear her out, okay?
She's got a great plan.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Look, before we get
into all that,
I just wanted to say,
Sara, I feel really badly
about stealing
your husband.
So badly in fact,
that there's a guy
I'd like you to meet.
Sara Moore, you are
hereby served for divorce
under the laws governing
the great state of Texas.
Joe, do something!
Take another one
for my buddy Joe here
just to bust his ba*ls.
Cheese!
Beautiful. Beautiful.
Thank you.
Mmm. Classic honey trap.
Oldest trick
in the book.
You should
read it sometime.
Oh, and I'll see you
back in New York
when you come to
clean out your desk,
a*s-wipe.
[LAUGHING]
Look what I got!
Hmm! Ha!
He is cute.
It's too bad he's just
a process server.
Oh...
So, one look at a girl
in tight pants and big t*ts,
and suddenly
you're stupid?
It's not the way
this was supposed
to go down.
How could you blow this?
It seemed like
a good idea at the time.
Look, Sara,
can we just focus on
what we have to do now?
Yes, we can. You can
focus on getting the hell
out of this hotel room.
Go! Get out of here!
Leave! Goodbye!
[SCOFFS] Goodbye?
That's it?
Yeah.
Go on. There's nothing
else to say.
[LAUGHS]
You're a genius!
You hear me?
A g*dd*mn genius!
That's all right!
You know what?
There's only been
three wop geniuses ever!
TONY: Oh, yeah!
Da Vinci, Stallone
in the first Rocky,
and now you, Tony!
Ha ha!
Thank you, Ray!
I swear, I love you
for this, boy!
I love you for this.
You know what?
I need you to fax me
a copy of the papers,
take the originals
down to the courthouse,
and get your butt back here.
I'm gonna buy you the
biggest steak in Manhattan,
you hear me?
On my way.
On my way.
As fast as I can.
Okay, look here,
you know what?
It's okay, fly first class.
First class?
First class!
All right!
Good!
Whoa, wait a minute.
What?
Make that business
class. Mmm-hmm.
Business.
Ooh, ooh!
You're outta here!
[WHEEZING]
Wore myself out.
[CHUCKLES]
Did he? Wait a minute.
I need a phone.
I need a phone!
WOMAN: Ray,
Joe's on line one.
[CHUCKLES]
Hello, loser. Heh.
You little dirty...
You tried to
double-cross me,
didn't you?
You know what,
I got something for you.
It's over.
Yeah, I guess
you really got me, Ray.
That's right.
Who's my b*tch, huh?
[SING-SONG]
Who's my b*tch?
Yeah.
I'm your b*tch.
So, uh, did Tony
make the plane okay?
You know what?
He sure did,
and he's flying
first class, too.
Ugh!
See, I was really hoping
that he didn't drop the
papers off at City Hall.
Well you can hope all
you want to, Gladys,
'cause he did. It's over.
Now, you probably have
a copy of that file lying
around somewhere.
Would you mind telling me
what time my career
officially ended?
I'd love to know that.
Remember it,
write it down,
paint a picture.
I don't care what you do.
Seven, zero, and then there's
a big four after that!
It's over!
Yeah, that's so funny,
you know? Because my watch
here says it's 6:15.
Looks like
Retardo Montalban
forgot to set
his watch back.
With the time difference
between here and New York,
I can still serve Gordon.
I've still got 49 minutes.
Forty-nine.
You know that number.
Your IQ.
[DISCONNECTS]
[DIAL TONE]
[DIALING]
[RINGING]
Hello?
Gordon Moore, Milt.
What do you got?
You want to hear
what's great?
Your guy's got Lojack.
For a very reasonable
$50 surcharge,
I can tell you exactly
where he is right now.
Milt, you are a beautiful,
beautiful man.
All right. He's at
the southwest corner of
Lakeville and Beverly.
I looked it up. It's some
fancy steakhouse.
You got it.
And you just
made five grand.
Sure.
But after taxes...
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: On
the screens ahead of you, we
will run our safety video...
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
[HUMMING]
[FLIGHT ATTENDANT CONTINUES]
Sir, please take
your seat.
Excuse me, uh,
I'm a heart surgeon,
and I got a patient
that needs an emergency...
Heart.
What's the matter?
I don't look like
a g*dd*mn heart surgeon
to you?
Get in.
Are you high?
This is better.
Look, we don't have
time for this.
It's over, you idiot.
You've blown it.
We have another hour
to get Gordon.
An hour?
Yeah. Uh, Mr. Cebron?
Yeah, good news.
Yeah, we got her.
Uh-huh. Yeah, we did.
Listen...
There is just
one tiny little thing.
We didn't
"get her" get her, though.
[THUNDER BOOMING]
I mean, in a way,
we got her,
but not, like,
if you get somebody.
You know how you say,
like, if you was playin'
hide-and-go-get-it,
and you get it,
but you don't
really get nothin',
but you get it? That's kind of
the way that we got her.
She's got,
but not really got,
if you know
what I'm saying.
It's kind of an enigma.
Now, to us,
beef might be a big deal,
but to a cow,
it's just an udder day.
[LAUGHS]
You know what to do.
Keep them boys tethered!
Sit. Shh.
Oh, and I got
a belly full of steer.
JOE: Gordon Moore!
I am hereby here
to serve you!
[DIALING]
[RINGING]
Gordo!
This is Warren.
Hey, Warren!
Gordon. Finally. Damn.
Look, Sara's been served,
but there's been a problem.
GORDON: Yeah,
you're tellin' me
there's a problem!
She and that process server
are crawlin' all over
my a*s right now!
JOE: I got you, Gordo!
[GRUNTING]
Damn longhorns.
WARREN: Uh, Gordon...
Ooh!
Hang on.
Aww.
Gordo!
Okay, go ahead. Yeah!
Gordon, this whole thing's
a little difficult
to explain right now.
They can still serve you,
Gordon,
so you can't
let them catch you,
or you're screwed.
Stay away from them
for the next 22 minutes.
That'll be till 7:04.
Can you do that,
do you think?
Uh... Yeah.
Now I can.
Season ticket-holder.
[CELL PHONE RINGS]
Yeah.
Look, I just talked
to Warren.
Get your a*s down
to Union Arena.
You gotta keep Joe
off Gordon until 7:04.
Got it. Hey, Ray.
Yeah.
Where the hell's
the Union Arena?
I don't know!
You're the one in Texas!
ANNOUNCER: Time for
the beasties to battle!
It's been building
all afternoon,
and here we have...
[CONTINUES INDISTINCTLY]
[ENGINES REVVING]
I have an idea.
What?
Just come on.
Hey, you can't
come in here.
Does this phone work?
What are you doing?
Damn it, Cheryl
you know as well as I do
in about 30 minutes,
church-going fans are
going to be puking up
their vital organs,
and it's not
gonna be pretty.
Whoa. Who are
you guys?
Center for
Disease Control.
You see,
this man most recently
was bitten by a monkey
at our facility.
My God, I wish there was
some way we could warn
these poor,
innocent people!
What's your name, son?
Rusty.
Rusty...
Have you ever dreamed
of being a hero?
Have you, Rusty?
[CHUCKLES]
JOE: [OVER PA]
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your
attention please?
Joe?
There is no need for alarm,
but if the individual
pictured on the screen
above you...
Oh... Mmm.
Nice job, Rusty.
...is sitting anywhere
near you, please get up
and walk away from him
in a calm, orderly fashion.
He may be
a carrier of the deadly
Ebola virus!
g*dd*mn you, Joe!
[SCREAMS]
My God!
It's the Ebola guy!
Hey, I'm clean!
That's him!
MAN: sh**t him!
JOE: No, no, wait!
Don't sh**t him!
Don't sh**t him!
I need to serve him!
I need to serve him!
[PEOPLE SCREAMING]
[GASPS]
MAN: Hurry!
Somebody sh**t him!
Hold it!
Oh!
[MOTORCYCLE ENGINES REVVING]
Oh!
[GASPS]
[ENGINE STARTS]
[REVVING]
I'm gonna get you, Joe!
Oh, boy.
How do you do this?
[LAUGHS]
Oh, this is gonna be ugly.
Whoa!
Oh!
Aah!
Mommy!
Oh!
Get this damn truck
off me!
Eat me.
Heh. My dog
ain't in that fight.
Whoa. Ding-ding.
[LAUGHING]
Adios, amigos!
Last call, Gordy.
Oof!
Oh!
Yes!
Gordon Moore, you are
hereby served for divorce,
under the laws governing
the state of New York.
Here you go, Hopalong.
You know, Cassidy.
Say, "Hef."
Hang on.
Ahh!
[CACKLES]
Yes!
MAN: Rock 'n' roll!
Let's go, you guys.
He's gonna need
to be quarantined
for about a year.
Excuse me, sir.
Joe! Hey!
We did it.
Yeah, I guess so.
Mmm.
Ah.
Business first.
Oh.
[CHUCKLES]
You'll get your money.
Don't worry.
First you're
gonna get this.
Hey. You mother.
Hey, nice driving
back there.
You're finished, Joe.
You flipped your mark.
You're finished.
Oh, I don't believe
you two have met.
Guy who got run over,
guy who ran you over.
Ran me over,
as*h*le!
Screw you, cowboy.
Oh!
[BOTH GRUNTING,
GROANING]
So...
Where were we?
We were just getting
down to business.
Oh, right.
JOE: So, 14 months
and a million dollars later,
I got my vineyard.
Growing grapes isn't easy...
But at least
it's got its benefits.
SARA: Joe?
I thought I'd serve you
for a change.
The first bottle.
Cheers.
Good luck.
Better than yesterday.
Yeah. Heh.
Do you want to
have sex again?
Yeah.
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Serving Sara (2002)
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