A Christmas Carol Goes Wrong (2017)

[bunniefuu]

Bah!

Humbug!

Oh, hush!

Confounded chimes!

Wherever I go all I see is this clock

staring back at me.

No good in funerals.

Marley wouldn't have approved himself.

Waste of money!

Waste of time!

Hey, hey!

Get off me!

- - Oh!
- - Get off!

Get off me!

All right, everyone out.

Who are you?

Head of the BBC.

That was a Twix.

Get out!

All right.

Plan B it is.

Coats.

Yes!

Come on.

What are you doing?

You said I'd be taking over as Scrooge.

No, I'm playing Scrooge,
that's why I've got the nose.

You're playing the Ghost
of Christmas Yet to Come.

He doesn't have any lines.

The cast said they'd
walk if you played Scrooge.

What, the whole cast?

I'm the leading actor.

No, you're the worst
actor in the company.

Aww!

Auntie Diana, you promised.

Just hurry up.

Well, you'll have to do
it over the phone, then.

Annie, Annie!

What, what?

I can't remember any of my lines.

Again?

It's the nerves.

Come with me.

What if you become ill?

I won't!

What if you get injured?

I would have to be
completely incapacitated

to pull out now.

Really?

Get in there!

Just stop, stop.

Good evening, BBC viewers.

Unfortunately, the cast
of The Christmas Carol

have all been taken ill.

Just get off!

It's my microphone, mine!

But don't worry, the Cornley
Polytechnic Drama Society

happened to be passing
by and will be filling in

with special guest
narrator, Sandra's aunt,

Dame Diana Rigg.

Please enjoy A Christmas Carol.

Bah!

Humbug!

Hush, confounded chimes!

Everywhere I go all I
see is that damned clock.

Everywhere I go.

All I see is that damned clock

staring back at me!

Ah!

No good in funerals anyhow.

Marley wouldn't approve himself.

Waste of money.

Waste of time.

Marley was dead to begin with.

There was no doubt whatever about that.

The register of his burial was signed

by the solemn undertaker and of course,

the only mourner, his
partner, Mr. Scrooge.

Auntie Diana, you're on, go.

On Christmas Eve, Scrooge
walked into his counting house.

He was a tightfisted,
hand on the grindstone,

a squeezing, wrenching,
grasping, scraping,

covetous old sinner who
was as hard as flint.

The weather was biting.

But cold and heat had
little influence on Scrooge.

No warms could warm him, no
wintry weather could chill him.

No wind that blew was bitterer than he.

Stop it, stop it!

Could you stop?

Ow!

There was not a man, woman, or child

in London who chose to walk
close to Scrooge in the street.

Oh!

Go, get off!

But as long as he was able

to go about his business with thrift

and count his coins,

what did Scrooge care?

Merry Christmas, Mr. Scrooge.

Merry Christmas, Uncle, God save you.

Bah, humbug!

Christmas, a humbug?

Uncle, you don't mean that, I'm sure.

I do, Frances.

What's Christmas but another
time to find yourself

a year older and not an hour richer?

Oh.

Every idiot who goes
about with merry Christmas

on his lips should be
boiled with his own pudding

and buried with a stick of
holly through his heart.

Oh!

Wipe that stupid smile from your face.

I have every reason to smile, Uncle,

and make merry at this time of year.

What reason have you to be merry?

You're poor enough.

What reason have you to be dismal?

You're rich enough.

What else can I be when I live in

such a world of fools as this?

Why is one a fool for wishing her uncle

a merry Christmas?

Because it does you no good.

Does me no good?

It is the one time in the
long calendar of the year

when men and women can open
their shut up hearts freely

and hold out their hands
to those below them

as their true companions.

Fine speech, Frances,
you belong in Parliament.

Christmas, Uncle, though it has never

put a scrap of gold in my
pocket, has done me good

and will do me good

And I say God bless it.

Miss Frances!

What a pleasure it is to see you.

Well, merry Christmas, Bob Cratchit.

A merry Christmas to you, too.

We hear a knock at the door.

Oh, a knock at the door!

Oh, that must be the lovely couple

raising money for the orphanage.

What merry bold and
charitable souls they are.

Have I the pleasure of
addressing Mr. Scrooge

or Mr. Marley?

Mr. Marley died seven
years ago this very day.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

We're raising money for the orphanage

to care for the sickly and
make provision for the poor,

like young Jane here.

On the shelf, Bugsworth.

Yes, Mr. Scrooge.

Ah, Merry Christmas, Miss Frances.

And to you.

Ah, let me help
you Mr. Scrooge.

Oh, no!

He's completely incapacitated.

Don't worry, I'll step in.

I'm fine!

Humbug.

Get out, Bugsworth!

What shall I put you
down for, Mr. Scrooge?

Nothing.

You wish to be anonymous?

I wish to be left
alone and keep my money.

What would you want for the needy?

That they should die and
decrease the surplus population!

I have not much in my coin purse.

Fear not, Mr. Cratchit,
you are poorer than most.

But what little I
have you are welcome to.

I'm afraid there is only a
single penny I have saved.

You would part with your only coin?

Yes.

Do you not need it for your family?

No.

Oh, thank you, Mr. Cratchit.

You'd give all you have to charity.

No.

No?

You don't want to give to charity?

Yes.

Are you sure?

No.

You have to make a choice.

Make a choice, will
you give them the coin?

Yes.

Thank you!

This bag was made in China.

God bless you, Jane.

May the generosity of the goodly people

of London town keep you
merry this Christmas.

Uh, merry Christmas, Miss Frances.

Merry Christmas, Mr. Cratchit.

And to you.

Don't be cross, Uncle, say you'll come

and dine with us tomorrow.

No, Frances, I shall
spend Christmas alone.

Kindly keep Christmas in your own way

and let me keep it in mine.

Keep it?

But you don't keep it!

Let me leave it alone, then.

Very well, Uncle, if
you change your mind

you have our address.

Merry Christmas.

Sorry.

Can we just, look...

Okay, Jane.

And my coat, and my coat.

Just, don't look, Bob, don't look.

Okay, all right.

Let's get on me coat.

Okay.

Open it.

Open the door, open the door.

Jane, open the door.

And a merry Christmas
to you, Bob Cratchit.

You'll want all day
tomorrow, I suppose.

If it's quite convenient, sir.

It's not convenient, Bob Cratchit.

Christmas comes but once a year.

Look outside at the people

going about their business with glee.

This is not a time for
money but for family

and mine would appreciate me home, sir.

Spare me your foolish humbug, Cratchit.

I...

I uh...

I, I...

I, I, uh, I...

I am not a rich man.

If I can spend Christmas
with my family,

I would be content to

gnaw...

upon a bone or sleep on a bed of warts.

Fine, Cratchit, take the whole day.

Uoy sselb.

Bless you.

Thank you.

Humbug!

But be here all the
earlier the next morning!

Wang!

Jacob Marley?

Scroo...

Scrooge!

Humbug.

Scrooge, shaken by the vision,

went to search the rooms of his house

for signs of an intruder.

Finding nothing untoward,
he returned to his bedroom,

secure in the knowledge the
house was completely empty,

other than Scrooge.

I'll get it.

Scrooge!

Who's there?

Ebenezer Scrooge!

Humbug!

What trickery is this?

Who are you?

In life, I was your
partner, Jacob Marley.

You don't believe in me?

I do not.

Why do you doubt your senses?

Because a little thing effects them.

You may be an undigested bit of beef!

A blot of mustard.

There's more of gravy
than the grave about you.

Proceed, dreadful apparition!

Why do you trouble me?

If a spirit goes not forth in life,

it is condemned to do so after death.

I am doomed to wander through the world

and witness what I cannot share.

I wear the chain I forged in life.

I made it link by
link and yard by yard.

You must listen!

My time is nearly gone.

Oh, how I wish I could cast
off these cursed chains!

I am made c*ptive by my deeds.

But like me, Scrooge,
you have girded yourself

a great chain, which in time
shall hang heavy around you.

Stay away, vile spirit!

I wish to see no more of you.

Unlock the door.

Begone!

Undo the bottom one.

You will be haunted by three spirits.

Without their visits, you cannot hope

to shun the path I tread.

Expect the first when
the bell tolls one.

Farewell, Scrooge.

Scrooge.

Scrooge was left alone again.

He looked out through his window,

which was locked shut, undisturbed,

just as it was before
the ghost arrived.

Resolved to forget
what he'd experienced,

Scrooge went to bed
and blew out the light.

Are you the spirit whose
coming was foretold to me?

I am.

Who and what are you?

Come close and I shall tell you.

I am the Ghost of Christmas Past.

I shine with the light of a
thousand Christmases gone.

I have never seen your like before.

May I look closer?

No, no, no, no, no!

It's, oh, oh!

By my light you shall
see the truth of your past.

Take me in your hand, Scrooge.

Your past is hidden beyond these walls.

Step through with me.

I am mortal, spirit, I cannot.

By my light you shall.

Humbug, ah!

This way, Mr. Scrooge.

Oh!

And with that,

Scrooge and the spirit
disappeared from his bedroom.

Take me through,

I don't have arms.

Alright, just go.

Tip me.

Tip me, tip me!

You're not moving, just...

Wait.

Have we disappeared?

Yes, shh.

Scrooge found himself

soaring over open fields and woodland.

Oh, unnatural spirit, will we not fall?

We shall not, Mr. Scrooge.

Where are you taking me?

My light shall show you
the man you once were.

Welcome to Greenscreen 1-2-3,

where with just one click,
you can be on a beach

or at the Eiffel Tower.

Overlay your own exciting footage.

Yeah, I think Robert would
make a great leading actor.

Oh, come on.

It's Ebenezer Scrooge,
not Ebenezer Huge.

Ow!

Ow!

Ah!

Robert!

Stop!

Stop it, ow!

Stop it!

This is becoming...

Don't!

Get off!

Get off!

Bloody get off!

Oh!

Oh, no!

Oh, no, he's completely incapacitated.

No, I'm not!

Humbug!

I'm fine!

I want to be in a grownup relationship.

I don't want to be dating Max anymore.

When are you gonna do it?

After we finish Christmas Carol.

Yeah.

Good heavens, I know this place.

I grew up here.

This is where Belle and I would court.

And there we are.

I'm sorry, Ebenezer.

We cannot be together any longer.

Why, my love?

Another idol has displaced
me that you love more.

Who is this idol you speak of?

There is no one else.

The pursuit of wealth
and gain engrosses you.

I don't understand.

You have grown hard and unfeeling.

Like your partner, Mr. Marley.

Please, don't leave me.

Our contract is an old one,
made when we were both poor.

I can change.

You are changed.

When it was made, you
were a different man.

I release you with a heart full of love

for the man you once were.

Goodbye, my dearest.

Good...

Goodbye, my dearest.

Oh, spirit, why do you
delight in torturing me?

Dry your tears, Ebenezer,

you must to bed before
the other spirits arrive.

Oh, no.

Sorry, mate, sorry.

And just as Jacob Marley said,

upon the stroke of two,

Scrooge heard the merry
sound of laughter.

h*, h*, h*.

Hello, Scrooge.

Who are you, spirit?

I am the Ghost of Christmas Present.

I am cheer, I am joy, I am Christmas.

Come and know me better, man.

Oh, spirit, I have seen
enough for one night.

I cannot bear another heartbreak.

I beg you, leave me be.

Haunt me no longer.

Humbug.

Haunt me no longer.

No, me!

Get off!

Help me out.

Me, me!

Worry not, Scrooge.

Your journey with me shall
not be one of heartbreak,

but of mirth.

Now, come, you look hungry.

What is all this?

Why, 'tis the bounty of Christmas.

h*, h*, h*!

I don't believe

you have merely come to feed me.

Tell me, spirit, the
purpose of your visit.

Each year you have shunned the present,

but this year you will
mark the lessons it holds.

Very well.

Conduct me where you will.

If you have aught to
teach me, I shall listen

and profit by it.

Then follow me to the street, Scrooge.

Show me something I may smile upon.

Jacobi!

h*, h*, h*!

All gone now, he's completely incapaci-

oh, for God's sake.

Right, come on, Jacobi.

Uh, come down to the street, Scrooge,

and see how the goodly
people celebrate Christmas.

A day where all mankind
can forget their position

and go about with
glee and good tidings.

Masters and servants,
judges and scoundrels,

landlords and lodgers, can
all make merry together

and wish each other well.

Do you recognize this house, Scrooge?

Aye, it is Bob
Cratchit's house for sure.

Here comes his youngest,
Tiny Tim, walking home.

Ah, Tiny Tim, the sweetest,

dearest boy that there ever was.

h*, h*, h*!

Come, Scrooge, look through the window

and observe how these humble folk live.

I've had the children
clean up before we eat.

What'll we be having for
Christmas dinner, Bob?

Bob?

A goose.

Oh, Bob, you saved up
for it, how wonderful.

Anything for you, my sweet.

A drop to drink?

Oh, why thank you.

How was Tiny Tim at church?

As good as gold and better.

He told me coming home
he hoped people saw him

because he was a cr*pple
and it might be pleasant

for them to remember on Christmas day

who made lame beggars
walk and blind men see.

Enough wine for you, my dear?

Plenty.

I pray for him every day.

Here he comes now.

Hello, Mama.

Tim, come here, my little boy.

Lift me in your arms, Papa.

Whee.

Oh, Tim, you do look frail of late.

I am frail.

Frail and ill.

Achoo.

Uoy sselb.

Sit up to the table, my little Tim.

Oh, Mama.

Now let us raise a
glass to Mr. Scrooge,

the founder of the...

feast.

The founder of the feast, indeed.

That hard, unfeeling
scoundrel is the cause

of our suffering.

Mr. Scrooge has not
the kind family I have.

I pity him.

Mm.

Alone on Christmas day.

We may be poor, but we
are rich in company.

Eat, Father.

Oof!

- There is a wealth Mr.
- Scrooge may never know.

To Mr. Scrooge.

The founder of the feast.

God bless us...

God bless us, everyone.

A remarkable boy.

Tell me, spirit, if Tiny Tim will live.

I see a vacant seat and
a crutch without an owner.

Do I really pay Bob so poorly?

They have such a meager feast.

What a fine family they are.

Tiny Tim is such a brave boy.

Mrs. Cratchit such a
loyal and devoted woman.

But they should get on with dying

and decrease the surplus
population, should they not?

What more can you afford to pay?

I don't only care about myself, do I?

Come, there is more to see.

Do you recognize this house, Scrooge?

It belongs to my niece, Frances.

There she is now.

Oh, uh...

Oh, dear.

It looks like they've
got the decorators in.

I'm sure they'll be
done any moment now.

And there we are, they're done.

Is it a vegetable?

Not a vegetable, no.

Mineral, then?

Not a mineral, which leaves you with?

Animal.

Quite so.

Alive?

More or less.

Oh, my dear Frances,

why must you always be so cryptic?

Is this animal
disagreeable or friendly?

Oh, disagreeable for sure.

Does it growl?

Sometimes.

Is it found in England?

It's found in London, Topper.

A horse.

No, but it says nay
more than a horse does.

Is it a pig?

Is it a fox?

Is this animal domesticated?

Hardly.

Frances, I know what it is.

A disagreeable creature,
but none of these?

It is your uncle, Ebenezer Scrooge.

It is, it is!

Oh, bravo, Topper.

Oh.

A disagreeable creature,
is that what they think?

And a growling one.

But what does Scrooge care
what these fools believe?

I don't care.

Indeed.

More or less dead, hardly domesticated.

What childish blabber.

I care perhaps a little.

The time has come for me to away

and let in another spirit
before Christmas day.

I'm all right, it's all right.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's all right, you're fine.

Sorry, sorry.

Sorry, mate, sorry!

Come on!

Come on!

Are you the Ghost of
Christmas Yet to Come?

Sandra.

I've got good news.

That agent just called.

He's going to take me on.

He said the exposure
from Christmas Carol

will easily get me that advert.

I'll never have to work with
this bunch of freaks again.

Aww!

I don't suppose anyone will
attend the old goat's funeral.

He never gave a penny to charity.

He stole from the poor.

Selfish.

Spirit.

Show me some tenderness
connected with the death

or this dark conversation
will be forever present to me.

Oh, my poor Tim.

Be at peace, my dear, sweet boy.

Why would you have
put him in the coffin?

Well, how else am I supposed

to keep him contained?

Oh.

Oh, come on!

Yes, he died a week ago, I heard.

Good lord, I thought he'd never die.

Well, I certainly shan't miss him.

Nor I.

He was very unpopular.

Spirit.

Are these the shadows
of things that will be

or are they the shadow of
things that may only be?

Oh!

Spirit!

A man may change the
course of his life.

Spirit, I...

Spirit, I am sorry.

I have been greedy and selfish.

I have served myself before others

and shut out the gift
of their kindnesses.

I am sorry to everyone.

All of you.

I've taken you all for granted.

I thought I wanted to
go it alone, but...

Truth is I'd be lost without you.

In fact, I believe

I am not feeling at all well.

I think I may be
completely incapacitated.

Scrooge.

What?

I'm completely
incapacitated, Mr. Scrooge.

Chris, I don't know what to say.

I couldn't.

You have to.

We are all counting on our lead actor.

Chris, it's your part
and you should finish it.

I'm not gonna take your role.

Well, why don't we do it together?

No, I'll do it.

Humbug!

Quickly, we have to finish the thing.

Here we are, come on, quickly.

Hurry up!

That's it, this way.

Up to the bedroom, come on, quickly.

Hurry up, there's still time.

We can still make it
work, come on, quickly!

Scrooge fell before the spirit

and woke to find himself in bed.

Good morning!

I shall live in the past,
present, and the future.

The spirits of all three
shall strive within me.

You there, child, what day is it?

It's Christmas day!

Christmas day, oh,
Jacob Marley be praised!

Wait there, for I must
speak with you a moment.

I shall have that girl
run to the poulterers

and fetch the plumpest bird
she can find in the shop.

Merry Christmas everyone!

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to you, sir!

- Merry Christmas.
- - Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas to one and all!

Merry...

Excuse me, are you playing Scrooge?

No.

Chris is playing Scrooge.

I am not playing Scrooge.

You took over as Scrooge.

I only took over as Scrooge because

you forced me to take over as Scrooge.

I did not force you
to take over as Scrooge.

If anything, you forced
me to play Scrooge

by being such a bad actor.

Nobody forced either
of you to play Scrooge!

You came here and took Scrooge from me.

By force!

Stop fighting, look,

it doesn't matter
who's playing Scrooge.

That's what we've learnt tonight.

It's not what I've learned tonight.

I've learned that it
absolutely matters!

I am Scrooge!

Get them out.

No, no, no, no.

Come on, it's over.

No, get, get off!

They're using force!

They're using force!

No no!

Chris, understudy!

I'm Scrooge!

Quick, the cameras!

Get off him!

Get off him, Jacobi!

Which way?

Aww!

We'll finish this outside!

Everyone outside!

Okay, go, go!

All right, quickly, they're behind us.

All right, all right, all right,

we're still filming, so action.

Uh, here's a better idea.

Why don't we all go to the poulterer's

and fetch a goose?

We shall take it to
Bob Cratchit's house.

♪ Ding dong merrily on high ♪

♪ Heavenly bells are ringing ♪

♪ Ding dong merrily the sky ♪

♪ La la la la ♪

♪ Gloria ♪

♪ Hosannah in excelsis ♪

Now, everyone, we must search

for the plumpest goose we can find.

♪ Jingle bells jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one horse open sleigh ♪

Ah, no goose then.

But very well, Bob Cratchit,
if this is what you desire most

then it is what you shall have.

♪ For everyone at
Christmas loves goujons ♪

♪ Hey jingle bells
jingle bells ♪

♪ Jingle all the way ♪

Sorry, would you mind
if we went ahead of you?

Yes, I would mind.

♪ Dashing through the snow ♪

Greetings, good fellow.

Hiya.

I would like to purchase
these fine goujons, please.

It's 3.99, please.

Does anyone have any...

Do you have any money?

No.

I appear to have left my coin purse

in my other britches.

If you don't have any
money, you'll have to leave.

Might you be able to open your heart

to those in need at Christmas?

I'm sorry, mate.

Please, it's for the Cratchits.

Who?

Please, we need them.

Aye, just take whatever you want.

Take the money, it's fine.

Really?

We just want the goujons.

Yeah, take them,
just don't hurt anyone.

Yeah, yeah, bag it up, yeah.

Merry Christmas.

♪ Jingle bells jingle
bells jingle all the way ♪

Give us a Snickers.

Take one yourself.

What?

Take one yourself!

Okay, okay!

And this lady's shopping's free.

Yeah, whatever you say.

Okay.

Merry Christmas.

Now, everyone, we shall
return to Bob Cratchit's house

and present him with the
finest Christmas feast

he has had in all his life.

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

♪ Fa la la la la la la la la ♪

Festive greetings!

We are traveling the
town to wish everyone

a merry Christmas.

Oh.

- - Merry Christmas.
- - Happy Christmas.

Oh, that's nice.

Might we enter and spread our joy

to the fine townsfolk within?

Not without a pass.

Oh, dear.

That is a shame.

We had hoped we might be able to

get back in the studio, but...

Oh, that's the fire alarm.

Um, if you could all just make your way

out of the building and
across the courtyard.

Thank you, all of you.

Will do.

♪ Now our g*y apparel fa la ♪

Shh, shh, shh, shh!

Oh, h*, h*!

No!

No!

Bob Cratchit.

Bob Cratchit are you in there?

No, I'm here.

Go round for God's sake.

Merry Christmas, Bob.

A merrier Christmas
than I have given you

in many a year.

May I come in?

Yes.

Thank you, Bob.

I have come here to tell you

that I intend to double your salary

and shall endeavor to...

Assist your struggling family.

To assist your struggling family.

Tiny Tim shall walk again

and I shall keep Christmas in my heart.

First, though, let us all
have a Christmas dinner.

What do you say, Bob?

Yes.

Merry Christmas.

Okay, attention, everyone.

Sorry, um, sorry, before we finish,

there's something I'd
like to say to Max.

You aren't gonna
break up with me on air.

What's wrong with you?

Break up with you?

Yeah, I saw the video.

You said you didn't want
to be dating anymore.

I don't want to be dating anymore.

I want to be married.

Aww!

To me?

Yes, I...

I had a whole plan.

I was gonna propose.

But I saw you kissing Chris.

What?

Yeah, I thought we were friends and...

What are you talking...

Guys, look, I found something.

Look at this.

Oh!

Same dress.

You all right, Chris?

Yeah.

That's my sister.

You were going to propose?

Yeah.

Right, that's it!

I've had it.

You've ruined Christmas
again, all of you!

It wasn't enough to ruin
the production last year,

now you've sabotaged mine.

So go on, get out of here.

We are going to perform our
version from the top now!

But it's a proposal.

I don't care.

I'm going to give my performance.

The only chance you have of continuing

is if I am completely incapacitated.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, come on, Derek,
this is not about you.

Yeah, but I...

Oh, forget it.

Ta-da!

Thank you, Auntie Diana.

And so as Tiny Tim observed...

Please.

God bless us, ev...

God bless us, everyone.