02x05 - Mother

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Frank, pass me that safety
barrier so nobody gets injured

when they walk in this area.

Hey, you two guys,
come over here.

I want you to help
me with this sign.

Have you guys got
Bobcat licence's?

Yeah.

Campaign star, friends,
and Colleagues,

a new era

is dawning in the political
landscape of our great nation.

Now more than ever, we must
unite as a cohesive force

and look to the future.

The election is in 14 days
and we have much work to do.

I want the voters
to realize that I'm

a servant of the people.

I want the voters to know
that I'm full of integrity.

I want the voters to
think that I'm-

Jesus Christ!


Get out of the way.

Frank, help me!

Help me!

I can't help you, Cole.


I want to get off!


This is kind of fun.
Look at me.

Look at my activities.
Mr Foreman? Mr Foreman?

A bit of a lie. A bit of a lie
about the Bobcat licence's.

Yeah, a bit of a lie.

♪ I got the feeling. Got a bit

of an inkling. This is gonna be

one of those days. This is

a show all about me.♪
-And me.

♪ And all the things I do and
all.

The things I see.♪

And also
what I see.

♪ I get the feeling

got a bit of an inkling. As long
as we're together it'll be
okay.♪

Ladies and gentlemen,

as the only surviving member

of my family,

I have decided to

play my mother's favourite tune

as we say goodbye.

She loved this song.

♪ Oh, Danny Boy,

the pipes, the pipes are
calling.♪

♪ From glen to glen,

and down the mountain

side

and all the roses falling.♪

♪ It's you, it's you
must go, and I must bide.♪

♪ But come


back when summer's

in the meadow♪

♪ Or when the

valley's hushed and ♪

♪ Oh, Danny Boy, the pipes,
the pipes are calling♪

♪ From glen to glen

and down the mountainside.♪

♪ The summer is gone.♪

playing]




Listen to this, Bradley.

Why should we vote
for Vera Watkins?

How can an unfeeling woman
who has never married and never

had children possibly represent
the average Australian?

From the latest polls showing
a dramatic drop in her support,

it seems the voters might be
starting to feel the same way.

It's absurd, unfeeling.

It's ridiculous.
Oh, excuse me.

Could you leave that door open?

I'd like to listen to the
lobsters scream when they're

thrown in the boiling water.

This is the obituary
I put in the paper for my mum.

It's a poem that I wrote.

You were my mother.

You were my mum.

My mum.

Mum, Mum, Mum, Mum.

And now when I hear
a motorbike engine thoughts

of you will come.

You know.


Good afternoon, Rob.

Afternoon, fellas.

Sorry to hear about
your mother, Cole.

Thanks.

Cole, this is for you.
-Oh, thanks.




I don't want that things.

No, I'd prefer not to.

I don't want it.

You can keep it. Bye.

I don't really.

I'd really prefer to,
you know, just, just-

You know, I'd rather not.

I mean, I appreciate the offer,
but, you know,

I'm really not that interested.

Wow.

First you find out that
your mother died, then

you find out that she's not
your real mother.

You're adopted.

Adopted.

That must feel really weird.

Does that feel really weird?

Realizing you've
spent your whole life

living with a stranger?

What are you talking about?

She may not have been
my biological mum, she may not

have been my flesh and blood,

but she was my mum.

She gave me a mother's love.

She was there when
I learned how to walk.

She was there when I
learned how to ride a bike.

And when I was bullied
at school by a kid who stole

my lunch and gave me a wedgie
by pulling my undies at my bum.

It was her who advised me
to give up teaching.

Mister Bodie.

Mister Bodie.

The two gentlemen
out there have been

waiting for quite a while.
-Yay.

I can't believe she's not
your real mum.

No, she's not your real mum.
Your mum.

Mum.
Mum.

Mum.
Mum.

She isn't your mum.

Mum.

Mister Bodie,


hang on, hang on, just listen.

This is hilarious.
Just listen.

Hi, Lou speaking.

Hi Lou, it's Anna.

Hi.

Listen, I need
to talk to you about.

Yep.

About the little Jones baby
who's being adopted by.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.
What?

This is a recording.

Please leave a message
and I'll get back to you.


What?

What?

You?


It sounds like a real person,
but it's actually the machine.

Outrageous.

Mister Bodie, the young
man, Colin Lino has been

waiting out there for ages.

Colin Lino?

Why the hell didn't you tell me?

This is important.

Hey, Cole.

This form lets you change
your name to whatever you want.

It's called changing
your name by deed poll.

Legally, I could change
my name to

Paul Smith

or

Eggplant Populopolis III.

Or just in case I'm ever
arrested for m*rder,

I could change it to
an obviously innocent man.

And that way when the judge
comes out, he'll have to say,

today we are trying
an obviously innocent man.


Mister Bodie will see you now.

Have a seat.

Can I, um,
get you a lemon water?

Yeah, tar.

Right.

I'm responsible
for telling you the name

of your biological mother.

And her name is

Vera Watkins.

I'm so glad my mum
agreed to meet me.

You're so lucky
having such a famous mum.

I mean, my mum, all she ever
does is sit at home

all alone and knit.

She's so boring.

I wish that someone
would take her out.

Right, and make it
look like an accident.

No, I mean take
her out to dinner.

Oh, right.


Frank, I don't
think it's appropriate

that you sit with us.

This is a private moment
between me and my mum.

Okay, well, I'll just, um.

I'll just stand over here.

Great.

Just stand there.

Just stand there and do nothing.

Just stand there
but be inconspicuous.

Inconspicuous.

Right.

Okay.

What are you doing?

Is this inconspicuous?

Hey, if you were a soldier in
the Vietnam w*r, in the jungle,

would you be going,

huh?

Now, just stand there
and don't attract attention.

She said she'd be here at 01:00.

I think that would be quite
a good strategy, actually.

What?

If you're a soldier and you
went through the jungle going,

you know, because your enemy
would probably just go.

All right, you make your point.

The soldier's gone.

He's gone.

She's here.

Oh, my God, she's here.

Right, you sit here.

Sit down.

Now, this is a very tender
and poignant occasion.

Don't stuff it up.

Son.

Mum.


Mum, are you okay?

Mum?

Mum, are you okay?
Mum?

Mum?

She's not your mum.

Now, tell me something
about yourself.

What are your goals?

What are your aspirations?

Your dreams?

Well.

Well, I do have a dream, but I'm

sort of embarrassed about it.

It's probably just
pie in the sky.

Come on, tell me what it is.

It's probably not gonna happen.

It just seems so unattainable.

The only way your dreams
can come true is

by believing in them.

Well, what I've always
wanted to do is raise money

for charity by walking
around Australia on my lips.

We're missing two lobsters.

Have you seen them?

No. No.

It's so cruel I reckon.

The way lobsters
are eaten, it's so inhumane.

I just can't understand
how people can be like that.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

It's a big, red, horrible
insect thing to ever see.

k*ll it.
k*ll it.

k*ll it.
k*ll it.

k*ll it.
k*ll it.

k*ll it.

I love my new mum.

She's fantastic.

Gee, it's gonna be great
at the press conference when

she makes the announcement.

All of us there together,
me and Mum and you.

No, me and Mum.

Yeah, that's what I said.

Me and Mum and you.

No, it's just me and Mum.

Me and Mum and you.

No, it's Mum.
And I.

And you stay home.

No, you can come.

She's not your mum.

She's my mum.


That lobster thing
was pretty weird, though.

Did you see the way
that that other lobster

was looking at me?

Cold, don't be ridiculous.

It's a crustacean,
for goodness sake.

It's got a brain
the size of a pea.

It's not like it's going
to have a vendetta against you.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

I'm just being paranoid.

What would our mum say if she
heard you talking like that?

Ladies and gentlemen,

over recent weeks,
a smear campaign

has been launched against me,
depicting me as a heartless

egotist, as I am unmarried
and have no children.

Although I believe my privacy is

sacred, I feel I have no choice

but to tell you the truth.


And if that me-

And if that means the Australian
people do not wish me

as their leader, then so be it.

When I was 16 years old,
I was engaged to be married

to a noble young soldier
in our great defense forces.

He was sent to Vietnam

and the night
before he left for the

first time, we spent the night
together as husband and wife.

As fate would have it,
I became pregnant and he

was k*lled in battle.

My mother was a
fiercely conservative woman and

out of fear that my life would
be ruined, she forced me to

give my baby up for adoption.


Giving up my baby
broke my heart.

And this is the reason
I never married or have never

had any further children.

But now it is my great pleasure

to introduce you to my son

Colin, and invite you

all to share in the joy

of our long overdue reunion.

Ladies and gentlemen,
my son, Colin.


Don't you just love him?

Just one more down there.

Thanks.

Are you sure this is what you
want to change your name to?

Yeah.

It's a bit obscure, isn't it?

Oh, I reckon it's great.

It's really new agey.

Okay, bye.

Bye.

Hi, Lou speaking.

Hello, Lou, it's Vera.
-Hi.

Is it safe to talk?
-Yep.

Everything's gone perfectly.

The press believe
he's really my son.

You'll get the rest
of your money when things

have cooled down a bit.

Hang on, hang on, hang on.

I haven't got time to talk now.

I'll speak to you soon.

This is a recording.

Please leave a message
and I'll get back to you.

Hey, I won't tell anyone.

You can turn on me.

Get back.

Oh, yeah.

I don't want
to have to hurt you.

Must run.

Must keep running.

Keep running.

Must keep running.

Must run.

Must run.

Must keep running.

This amazing turnaround
has occurred as a result

of today's press conference.

According to our viewer
polls, a staggering 87%

of people were impressed.

Impressed by Vera Watkins
heartwarming speech

and reunion with her son,
and are now intending

to vote for Miss Watkins.

It's been a truly unique day
for Australian politics.

Note.


Yep.


Thanks for that.

That's my scooter.

I'm so glad that you're my mum.

My mum.

My mum mum mum mum
mum mum mum mum.

That was Lou.

But I don't understand.

You never were my son.

You never will be my son.

But why me?

You're the right age.

You've got no living relatives
to dispute our story.

What are we gonna do?

I think we're gonna
have to k*ll him.

They're gonna k*ll me.


They're gonna k*ll me.

Tie him to a chair.

Boys.

Is that a chair?

Yeah, it's an ergonomic chair.

It's really very good
for your posture.

All right, so at least
I'll have a straight back

as I get k*lled.

Just sit in the chair.

I just done it.

I mean.

I don't know.

Is it can't be, like,
what about

like that.

No. Look, look, look, look.

See how simple it is?

And it really is
much better for you.

See how erect my back is?

Wow.

That's really fantastic.
It's real.

Oh, please.

Come on.

Come on.

Please.

I'll wait outside.

Attention, this is the police.

We have the place surrounded.

Oh, well, let's see.

Better give up, then.

Come out with your hands up.

Hang on.
That's coming from our speakers.

Do not look up here.

I repeat, do not look up here.


Don't move.


Sorry.
If I got this right.

Your name's Colin Lano.

And your name is...

Sorry, how do you
pronounce this?

Oh, it's pronounced

♪ I got the feeling. Got a bit
inkling.♪

♪ This is going to be
one of those days.♪

♪ This is a show all about me.♪

♪ And all the things I do
and all the things I see.♪

♪ I got the feeling. Got a bit
inkling.♪

♪ As long as we're together it'll
be okay.♪