01x04 - The Friend for Life/Dysfunction of the Gods

[bunniefuu]

[Sirens wailing]

You know, Max, these

supervillains really know how

to dress.

It takes a special kind of

criminal sociopath to carry off

a maroon velvet cape.

Yeah, I never thought we’d

finally apprehend--

[Dramatic music playing]

The Mad Thesbian!

Taunt me your worst,

Freelance Police, for you shall

not survive to taunt me, come

the dawn.

[Evil laughing]

Sleep sound, fated woodland

creature!

Ask not for whom the bell tolls.

It tolls for thee!

Max, heads up, little buddy!

[Pulley creaking]

[Crashing]

Uh!

Nice, play, Shakespeare, but

you’re taking a fall.

Curse you, Sam and Max,

wretched rapscallions!

[Yelling]

Well, that just burns me up.

What, that he can say

"rapscallions" without laughing?

No, because he got to go

first.

Wee-yah!

You crack me up, little pal.

[Police siren wailing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Sam and Max

[Phone ringing]

♪ Sam and Max

♪

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

♪ Sam and Max

♪ Freelance police

Another crusty stain on the

fabric of civilization run

through the rinse cycle of

justice.

Courtesy of yours truly.

LORNE: Say cheese!

Doodles.

[Camera lens snapping]

Lorne.

♪ It’s Lorne ♪

♪ The friend for life

That’s me.

Hey, guys, oh, awesome pinch,

and lucky me right here to snap

it.

So where is he, the Mad

Thespian?

I just need one of him and me

for my collection.

Probably on a bus to Trenton,

thanks to you.

Do you mean he got away, fled

the scene?

And we were just two burps

away from winning a toaster.

Great!

This means we will have the fun

of catching him all over again,

right?

Right?

You’re not happy with me.

I can tell.

I can tell.

[Crying]

Punch it, Sam!

But you’ve got to know I’d

never do anything to

disappoint you, guys.

You gotta.

I’m your-- [Squelching]-- friend

for life.

I love you guys!

Okay, okay, easy, big fella.

It probably wasn’t your fault at

all.

Since we’re pals again, why

don’t I tag along and help you

track him down.

That Mad Thespian is no match

for Sam and Max and their useful

ward.

[Tires screeching]

I promise, I won’t get in the

way!

You won’t even know I’m there.

Ah, for the love of Mike,

Sam, drive, drive!

[Tires screeching]

Hey, look, Batman.

Where?

Good idea.

We’ll find him faster if we

split up.

Wow, already hot on the heels of

their next big caper, and as

junior disciple to Sam and Max,

I will do everything in my power

to help them in this, in their

hour of self doubt and need, or

my name isn’t Lorne!

♪ The friend for life

[Car roaring]

I hate to resort to that sort

of subterfuge, but what do you

do with a guy like Lorne?

I know: get him to follow a

marshmallow peanut trail into

the furnace.

That would be patently

irresponsible, Max, and besides,

we don’t have a furnace.

Ah, yeah.

You can hit the brakes now.

[Tires screeching]

Well, here we are at the

secret lair of the elusive Mad

Thespian.

Amazing that we could zero in on

him using only morsels of info

gathered from the minuscule

clods of butter-soaked carpet

fibres shed from the seat of his

bloomers.

Ew!

Remember, kids, we’re

professional cartoon

characters.

Don’t try this at home.

[Crashing]

Hello!

SAM: You’re under arrest!

Remember: crimes against

humanity?

MAX: He probably went to the

snack bar for jelly babies.

I don’t think so, Max.

Look, clearly our Mad Old

Thespian was shanghaied whilst

sitting down to dinner.

What a sad senseless waste.

Hey, little man.

[Mice squeaking]

Did you see what happened here?

[Mice squeaking]

There was a big guy, waddles

in, picks up the Mad Thespian

and carries him out like a

velvety bolster cushion.

It looks like Lorne got to

him first.

The poor sap.

[Phone ringing]

I got it!

Max, it’s a trap!

Hi, Max; it’s me, Lorne.

♪The friend for life♪

I thought you’d be there.

Hey, you wouldn’t believe what

happened to me after we split

up.

I found a clue, and-- why am I

telling you this?

You being the Freelance Police,

you probably pieced this whole

puzzle together, you being the

wily veterans of crime solving

and all, huh?

Aaah, stop stalking us!

Well, that’s telling him.

LORNE: Okay, so why don’t you

swing by my place, and I’ll

fill you in?

Somebody-- wants-- to-- talk--

to-- you.

Say hello.

Say it!

Hello.

Freelance Police, help me.

His mind, it’s not going right.

Please hurry!

All right, that’s enough.

Pretty cool, huh?

[Chuckling]

See you in a bit.

Well, what do you know?

Who’d have thought we had have

to rescue one of our most

notorious enemies from the

deranged clutches of our biggest

fan?

It’s wildly ironic.

LORNE: You’re sort of a

present to my pals, but I just

can’t hand you over.

Oh, no, no, no.

That’s not how they do things.

You’ll see.

Sam and Max are going to cheat

death just to bag your pasty

little taster right here,

tonight.

Wa-hoo!

You are so lucky.

Ooomph, urrgh!

Uh-oh, not much time left

before my guests arrive.

I still need to set out crackers

and cheese whip, heat up some

corn dogs and arm that lethal

booby trap gauntlet.

SAM: There it is.

It’s sort of fitting that Lorne

makes his home down in the

bowels of that funhouse.

Hmm, it’s the first time I’ve

ever heard the word "bowels" and

"funhouse" in the same sentence.

Get used to it.

[Clanking]

This could be dangerous, Max.

You know, an idle mind is the

devil’s monkey bars.

A nugget of wisdom from your

twisted granny?

Who else?

Bless her enlarged heart.

[Clanking]

Well, what do you know?

Think it’s a trap?

Gee, I hope so.

[Doors creaking]

AMPLIFIED VOICE: Crime,

punishment, the pursuit of

wily ruthless villains, more

punishment: this is the world

of Sam and Max, Freelance

Police!

It’s like our life passing

before our eyes.

Who knew our life would have

such limp special effects?

[Crashing]

Mack Salmon, Hack Hatchet!

The Crimson Bonehead!

Will Sam and Max prevail in

this Titanic’s trouble?

Sam renders a quick elbow,

followed by his flying knees

to the back of the Crimson

Bonehead who--

Say, these cheap papier-mâché

dummies can really take a punch.

Max slaps a leg lock on the

head of Hack Hatchet.

Sam engages with a jump and a

dive.

Hack is out cold, but here

comes Mack Salmon to back up

his teammate.

Whoops, this is a frisky one.

They’re up and all over him

with a blinding medal to the

nose!

And he’s gone!

Sam and Max cheat death once

more!

A playful skirmish but hardly

the colourful malaise of our

’86 robot attack.

[Laughing]

There he goes.

He’s a lively little scamp,

isn’t he, Max?

Isn’t it precious how he

thinks he’s fooling us?

[Crashing]

THE MAD THESPIAN : I beg of

you, sir, unshackle me from

these fetters.

My silky drawers are binding up.

LORNE: Stop whining!

Think how impressed your butt

mates in the State Penn will be

when you tell them you witnessed

Sam and Max’s cheap death just

to snag your oily high.

Gee, I hope they didn’t get

stuck in the chute.

Freelance Police, arrest me

at once.

The jabbering, I can’t endure

the jabbering.

Hush up!

[Shivering]

Anytime, guys.

Let’s go.

Bust out, out of there,

whenever you’re ready.

[Shrieking]

What?

You’re giving up?

What about cheating death?

After all the trouble I’ve gone

to, is this any way to treat a--

to treat a friend for life?

[Fire roaring]

[Doors clanking]

I-- I k*lled them.

[Thumping]

TOGETHER: Oh, dear Lorne!

Ah, you guys!

[Fire roaring]

MAX FAKING ACCENTS: No, spare

me, Freelance Police!

I’ll never be bad again.

I’m sorry but we don’t

believe you.

Max, hand me that plumber snake.

[Buzzing]

Well, Lorne, somehow you

rustled up the Mad Thespian,

gave us a chance to chuckle in

the face of death and took us

for a spin in a cute little

funhouse car.

I never thought I’d hear myself

say this, but we owe you one.

[Tape rewinding]

We owe you one.

[Tape rewinding]

We owe you one.

[Tape rewinding]

We owe you one.

Wow, hearing those words from

the lips of the Freelance

Police, oh, man, it’s just too

much!

Uh!

[Thudding]

[Crying]

Friends for life, eh?

Now, about this shrine.

Yeah, what’s the deal with

these wax figures and the

yellowy news clippings?

It’s so outdated.

You think so?

Oh, yeah.

A Sam and Max website is the way

to go.

You’re right.

I don’t know why I didn’t think

of it.

With it, I can pass on all the

legend and lore that is Sam &

Max.

It will be glorious.

Oh, but gee, this is going to

take up all my free time.

We might drift apart.

That would be a darn shame,

but you know what my granny

always says?

An idle mind is the devil’s

twirly ride?

Close enough.

We’re gone.

Ciao, fellas.

Friends for life, eh!

Call me when you get home!

[Thunder crashing]

It’s quite a storm, hey, Max?

The best, Sam.

I can’t remember the last time

it rained toads.

[Croaking]

MAN: We interrupt this

broadcast to bring you an

all-important newsflash.

Violent atmospheric conditions

are threatening the very

existence of the planet.

We urge all of you to take

cover.

This is it: the apocalypse, the

end of all we know!

We now return you to our

program of dance music.

It sounds like a pestilence

such as the world has never

known is being dumped upon us.

MAX: Otherwise it’s a pretty

slow night.

[Tires screeching]

Nothing else to do but hit

the diner.

[Thundering]

"No shirt, no shoes, no

souvlaki."

Ha-ha, that’s funny.

At least pants are optional.

Well, what’s good tonight,

fry cook?

It is a sign the end of the

world is upon us.

The Olympian gods are in total

disharmony.

I see cataclysmic disaster and a

pick-up on the blue plate

special.

I’m feeling like hummus.

Hold it, Sam.

It’s a prophecy from Tyresius,

the verbally impaired

soothsaying short-order cook.

Right you are, Max.

It sounds like dissension and

disharmony on Mount Olympus.

Do you realize what this

means?

I sure do, little pal.

Make that hummus to go!

[Thundering]

Well, here we are in Mount

Olympus, home to cloud dwelling

mythological folk draped in

diaphanous robes.

This must be where all the gods

hang out.

[Smashing]

By Hera’s hairpin, look!

SAM: It’s a domestic squabble

of godlike proportions.

Husband, you have wronged me

for the final time.

No longer will I stand idly by

as you covert with all manners

of nymphs, muses and fairies.

Foolish goddess, you

question the will of Zeus?

[Wind roaring]

I may be juggling hedgehogs

in the Hamptons here when I say

Zeus and Hera’s marital tiff is

the cause of all that

meteorological hoo-ha back home.

Who dares trespass in

the palace of Zeus, Son of

Cronus, slayer of Uranus!

We are Sam and Max, champions

of justice, tormenters of Roman

featured bearded guys in loose

fitting jammies!

Pay no attention to my

melon-headed associate.

We are mere mortals who humbly

offer our services as freelance

marriage councillors to the

gods.

Your arrival in our midst is

fortuitous.

My wife speaks true.

Our blessed union is in peril.

It must be saved or all will

perish with it.

I see what you mean.

Now it’s raining bison and

buffalo.

[Sirens wailing]

That feels sort of right

somehow.

Heed this warning.

The consequences of failure will

weigh heavily upon you, for the

waste of time of a god is to

waste your own time tenfold.

If by the allotted time you

have not relit the fire of their

passion, you will be reduced to

aged wrinkled sacks of your

former selves!

Good luck, eh.

I’d say we’d best shift or

marriage-saving hides into high

gear before our pensions kick

in.

[Applauding]

Today on Sam & Max:

Mythological Marriages!

Are they really matches made

in the heavens?

Let’s find out.

With us today is a couple who

we’ll simply refer to as Zeus

and Hera X.

Now, Zeus, Hera says that you

stopped paying attention to her

and that you show much more

interest in nymphs, muses,

fairies and fates: fact or

fiction?

This is ridiculous!

Zeus, you’re blocking!

Remember, we’re doing this

for you and Hera.

Let us in!

Well, of course it isn’t

true.

Hera is my beloved.

No one before or after has

captured my heart such as she.

MAX: Is that so?

Audience, say hello to

Aphrodite!

[Cheering]

Classic bone structure.

I bet she knows all the state

capitals too.

See you around, Zeus.

Not if I see you first,

enchantress!

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

You see, it’s not my fault my

wife’s a shrill harpy.

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

As a harpy, I feel devalued

by your derogatory usage of the

term!

Now, Hera, Zeus tells me you

act out your jealousy by

reconstituting his nieces into

horrible disgusting former

spokes models.

She does.

It’s really getting out of hand.

I do not!

Really, ha-ha-ha!

Audience, please welcome

Nanette, Babette, Yvette and

Miss Tennessee!

All right, I lose my temper

and sometimes lash out.

AUDIENCE: Aah.

But I only do it because I

love him so.

With us today is an expert on

matters of the heart.

Cupid, we’d like to hear your

thoughts.

Love is there, Sam, I can

feel it, but in order to

experience true love once gain,

Zeus and Hera must give

themselves over to Cupid’s

arrows of desire.

Perpetrator is armed and

dangerous!

Drop it, Cupid!

Drop the weapon!

[Harp music playing]

Uh-oh.

Oh, Max!

Oh, Sam.

Run for it, little buddy.

She’s got marrying on her mind.

MAX: Aahh!

Enough of this!

Your time grows short.

[Clock ticking]

AUDIENCE: Oooh!

[Max creaking]

Well, I’ll be; those zany

gods are turning us into genial

old folks right before our very

eyes.

Great, now I can fuss and

moan and never lift a finger.

If you are truly fit to save

our union, the time is now.

We couldn’t have said it

better ourselves, Hera, because

we’ve cooked up a little

surprise for you.

What Hera doesn’t know is

that Zeus wants to renew those

tired old wedding vows.

I do?

Save that for the ceremony,

Zeus?

That’s right, folks.

He’s going to pop the question

right here on our show.

Well, Hera, what’s your

answer?

Of course I’ll marry you, my

love.

[Kissing]

[Cheering]

Congratulations, you two.

And as a special added bonus,

we’ve arranged for you to renew

your vows in beautiful

intoxicating Las Vegas!

Home of high-stakes

excitement, show biz glitter and

reasonably priced

all-you-can-eat buffets!

[Sniffling]

They grow up so fast, don’t

they?

They got nothing on us.

Dearly beloved, we are

gathered here today for a $59.95

deluxe wedding package, with

complementary passes to the

Buddy Hacket Experience.

Do you have the licence?

Thank you.

Don’t you mean "Danke

Schoen"?

Leave it alone, Max.

He knows bad men.

Please hand the ring to the

groom and repeat after me.

Where’s the groom?

Where’s the groom.

No, really, where is the

groom?

[Audience cheering]

Yes, dance, my children!

Dance for Zeus!

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

That’s it; we’re through.

I’m moving back to the condo on

Crete!

You have bungled for the last

time!

Farewell, Freelance Police!

This is it, old friend.

I sense my dog years are

thoroughly numbered.

I guess I can still gum

evil-doers with my

toothless mouth in the little

time we have left.

Actually, I’d like to swing

by the Mount Olympus gift shop

again.

I think I over-purchased.

Me too.

This footlocker I bought doesn’t

even have any feet in it.

That’s Pandora’s box, old

pal.

You’ve just unwittedly liberated

all the ills and horrors of

society.

It’s Vegas; who’s going to

notice?

Hey, there’s something in here.

It’s a keychain, and it’s shaped

like a lady with snakes in her

hair.

That would be the mythical

Gorgon Medusa, Max.

One glimpse of her chilling

countenance is rumoured to turn

even the most casual observer

into stone; that is if you buy

into any of this mythological

hubbub-- which, of course I do.

Fortunately, I always carry

protective Medusa-proof headgear

for just such occurrences.

[Clanking]

[Screaming]

[Clinking]

Recognize it, my love?

You gave it to me on our first

date.

You mean the time we took

arms against my father and

defeated the multi-headed Hydra?

Wasn’t that the best?

We can still conjure up the

old magic, can’t we?

Let this holder of loose keys

stand as a testament to our

undying love!

[Audience heckling]

Oops, my fault.

Allow me.

ZEUS: Oh, you!

[Hera laughing]

Holy Hannah, hold the phone.

I’m young again.

And I’m a less inviting

target for roosting pigeons.

You have triumphed well, Sam

and Max.

Our sacred knot has been retied.

The gods of Olympus are in your

debt.

To commemorate this vast

occasion, you, the Freelance

Police, are to be made titans,

gods among men.

Ooh, gods among men!

I have to change my

stationary.

From this moment forth, you,

Sam, shall be the God of High

Caloric Snacking Cakage.

The legends, they’re true!

And you, Max, shall be the

god of vulgar novelty items.

And they really really work.

I could even see right through

those loose fitting diaphanous

robes.

Insolent mortal!

Why you little--

[Zapping]

♪ Well, we came to Mount Olympus

for to share the company ♪

♪ Of a pair of gods who were

at odds with matrimony ♪

♪