02x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will she pass me by ?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do ?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere, gettin' nowhere with you #

I think Sally's gonna be there. She's very senior.

Make sure I don't drink too much.

We should try and make a good impression, go to her table after coffee.

There's lots of heads of corporation there, so we mustn't get pissed.

I think you're right.

We should take it easy.

I think they've got Sancerre, so you only need one.

I don't really like Sancerre. I only like white wine.

Peter Fansham will be there. We'll have to make a good impression

Right.

Actually, you've made a bit of a mess of that, to be honest.

So have you.

Um, driver, could you go round the block again ?

Five minutes, I'll tidy you up. Let me do you.

I'll do you, then, at the same time.

Hang on, I'll just give you a bit of...

OK, lovely. Good.

Um,... 'scuse me...

'Scuse me, would...

Would you sign a petition to allow dog owners to exercise their dogs round the Long Pond ?

I don't know anything about it, I'm not a dog owner.

I'm actually slightly phobic.

So that is...?

(RECOILS)

AAAAAAAAAAAGH !

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGH !

AAAAGH ! AAAAGH ! AAGH !

AAAAAAAAAAAGH ! AAAAAGH !

< AAAAAAAAAAGH !

Tiny earthworms, about this big. A complete infestation.

Ugh ! Where were they ?

All over the window box.

I'm glad I waxed my bikini line.

I don't need to bother.

I do.

Right.

Ooooh... !

All right ?

Lindsay, you are actually quite, quite hairy down there, aren't you ?

What ?

A little bit hairy down there.

Just, um...

(PANICS)

You had me going there, for a minute.

Did I ?

I don't think anyone's going to notice a few little wisps.

"On your marks, set..."

STARTING p*stol

CROWD CHEERS AND WHOOPS

Can I help you there ?

No.. I'm just... I'm not... actually...

I'm just looking for one of these.

A bra ?

Not for me, obviously, for my girlfriend, a birthday present.

She likes the... the black lace.

What size is she ?

About five foot four.

Bra size ?

Bra size ? OK, about a 34...

..average, medium.

You've no idea what cup size ?

Cup size ? Yeah, about a 34 C-B...

OK, how doe she compare to me ?

O-oh, er...

I don't know...

Very difficult to tell by looking.

It is, isn't it ? OK, have a feel, then.

Sorry ?

It's difficult to tell by looking, so have a feel.

I couldn't do that.

No, go on, it's fine.

I don't...

No, really, it's absolutely fine.

Uh, well...

Yeah, probably about the same size.

It wasn't a proper feel, was it ?

Now, what do you reckon ?

Uh...

Um...

Maybe just a little bit bigger.

I think hers are just a fraction bigger than tho... yours.

Are you saying I've got small breasts ?

God, no, not at all.

How many sizes too small ?

No, not too small, I didn't mean that, they're...

..perfect, it's hers that are...

Too big ?

Far too big. I'm really sorry.

Right, well, should keep the outsize dumplings under control.

Pay over there, in hardware. Happy birthday to her.

Just pay over there...

CRASHES INTO COAT HANGERS

PHONE

I want...

..a man...

..um... who's really, really good looking...

..but who, like, doesn't know it at all.

Um, who has, like, a really hilarious sense of humour..

..but who can be, like, really serious when I say.

He should have, like, a high-powered job...

..maybe in the City...

..but he shouldn't be motivated by money at all.

And he should be, like, really spontaneous...

..when it comes to presents,...

..but it should mainly be stuff that I, like, wanted already.

And he should be really, really tough but really, really gentle...

..and he should have...

..quite a large p*nis...

..but he shouldn't feel that he has to use all of it all of the time.

And he's got to be able to fly.

RUSSIAN ACCENT: I'm 29, I can strip a Kalashnikov in under five minutes.

I can breathe underwater for two hours.

I can live on earthworms and spiders for three months.

If you want me, call me. I don't have a phone.

There's your challenge - find me.

Come in, please. Take a seat.

Thank you.

What can I do for you ?

It's about the six-week check.

Right. Is it one of us, or the other kind ?

She's a girl. Georgia.

Shall I take her nappy off so you can weigh her ?

Don't do that ! Just put her over there.

All righty, sweetheart.

Clear the area. OK, clear it.

Puss, puss, puss, puss, puss !

There we go, just going to weigh you now.

Yes, she feels... she weighs something. Are you feeding her lots of little cakes and lasagne ?

I'm feeding her breast milk at the moment, surely.

(RETCHES)

All right, is there anything else I can do you for?

There is something. My husband and I have started having sex.

UUGH !

We've had sex...

UGH !

It's painful and I was wondering if that's normal.

Yes.

How long can I expect that to last for ?

That lasts for a long time, probably for ever. I wouldn't do that again.

Might my stitches be infected ?

I DON'T WANT TO LOOK AT YOUR STITCHES !

Have you had any children ?

Me ? Yes. No. Why ? Leave me alone. I couldn't because I was barren von Trapp.

(GURGLES)

Oh, little girl. Little girl, are you hungry ?

Can you just let me know when you've finished doing that ?

I'm sorry this seems such a problem for you.

Just... hurry up.

I'm really, really bursting now.

We're 30 seconds away. You'll be fine.

Is there anywhere we could stop ?

You'll be fine. I wonder if he's still into that retro tweed.

I can't hold it any more, I'm just gonna pop...

You can't nip in the... You can't...

(Hurry up !)

PEE SPLASHES

OK ?

Yeah.

'Scuse me... hello... Can I just ask...?

Oh, would you sign a form of consent

..to allow teachers to smack their children ?

Yes... probably... Well, actually, I dunno.

I'm not going to have kids anyway. Can't stand them.

Ugh !

Bev ?

< Yeah ?

Can you come in here ?

What's this ?

Sorry, I had some people over.

I can see that.

Sorry !

I don't believe this.

Sorry, sorry, sorry !

What am I supposed to do ?

(SQUEAKS) A few people were supposed to come but they brought friends.

It's not like it's the first time.

(SQUEAKIER) I had to wash up and I had a migraine, so I had to go to bed.

It's really inconsiderate.

(SQUEAKS)

I don't care.

(SQUEAKS)

You're always sorry.

(SQUEAKS)

It'd better be, by six o'clock.

(SQUEAKS)

Coffee.

(SQUEAKS)

One sugar.

CRUNCH

Watch your crisps.

< (SQUEAKS) Righto.

KNOCK ON DOOR

Oh, Fernabella, come in. She's asleep now, so she shouldn't be any trouble.

There's coffee, juices, taps, obviously - hot and cold.

You probably have them in Spain.

Microwave, fridge, she does play with jars, and...

..(SINISTER RASP) this is the mighty scimitar of the Randalls.

Look on its blade and despair. AAAAGH !

And over there is the phone. I've left the number of the club and my mobile.

If that's all fine, I'll catch you later.

Have a good time.

I probably don't touch the...

< No, that's probably best. Bye.

Bye.

'When you think about money, what do you really want ?'

'Independence, control, flexibility.'

'Are you confused by the number of financial options ?'

'Now think about a different way of handling money.'

'Help yourself to a brighter future.'

'Uncomplicated, direct finance, instant access.'

'Spend more time with rich people...

..and nick their stuff.'

I couldn't understand what was going on there.

I kept expecting a horse to be in it.

I somehow thought there'd be a horse... but there wasn't.

Anyway, um...

..good night.

Good night.

Mmmm...

How was that for you ?

Was that all right ?

It was really nice.

Shall I carry on ?

Please.

Carry on shut mouth, or...?

Let's just...

I could open.

Should it be the man that opens, or are tongues inappropriate at this stage ?

Er.. no, not at all. I don't... Let's just see what...

I'm not very good with surprises,...

..so I was wondering what sort of tongues you were going to do on me.

I, er...

I mean, are you going to do, like -

Or...like that ?

Or just -

I d... I really didn't... I don't think... I haven't thought.

Really ? Or do you prefer to just leave it ?

Yeah, let's just play it by ear and be natural.

OK.

What happened there ? I was expecting your tongue to make an appearance.

I didn't really get a chance to, er...

I'm sorry, was it my fault ?

No, it's OK.

Since we've stopped, are you having a good time ? Are you enjoying it ?

I think so.

I am.

I'm loving it. I'm turning on...

I'm enjoying now and I'm enjoying thinking about later,...

..are you going to come in, handle my mugs ?

I've got to sh**t off, actually.

After only an hour ?

I've got that delivery, got to sign that form...

So I'll see you Tuesday ?

Yeah.

Not yesterday Tuesday, Tuesday next week.

Well, you know... a Tuesday.

Shall I wait for your call ? >

Yes.

If I phone you, you'll think I'm easy. I want to play hard to get.

Definitely that, yeah.

OK. I haven't been playing sexual tennis with you, have I ?

I haven't left you with a great big pant pole and no punt ?

No.

No. Good. >

Bad... good.

Bye.

I think I've scored.

Hello, I'm Janey. I can't go near tumble dryers, TV screens...

..or man-made fibres.

I don't like men who rub my head against their jumper,...

..I don't like nylon brushes or cheap shoes,...

..but otherwise, I'm easy to get on with.

Oh, and I don't like men who shock easily.

Dangerous.

Yes, I suppose I'm looking for, um...

Yeah, just... anyone, really.

I'm not that fussy.

I'm looking for somebody who shares similar beliefs to mine.

I won't eat an animal that has been k*lled for food.

I will quite happily fill my face with animals that have been run over...

..or died of disease of old age.

Or suicide. I did eat a pig once which had shot itself.

It may not have been a happy pig, but it was very palatable.

I am looking for a man who has a car and a spade.

(CRIES)

Oh... (CRIES)

(CRIES)

Oh, Lucy,...

..it makes you look really fat.

# LIVELY STRUMMING INTRO

# I thought I'd met the man who'd treat me right

# He was kind, he was a man of more than average height

# He opened up my life for me

# But it didn't end the way I'd planned

# There was one thing, one little rule he didn't understand

# I told him time and time again

# He would not learn, he could not hear His fingertips got far too near

# He just didn't care

# Please don't touch me there

# It took hours and hours to get it just like this

# On wet and windy days I just can't walk out the door

# I can't take a shower That's how hard it is

# One false move and you will see My perfect style is blown

# Blown into thin air It is really blown

# I guess I sort of lived a lie

# I cheated him, he didn't know, I never told him why

# So scared how he would take the truth

# Every night, every day It seemed to be so hard to say

# It's not my own hair

# Please don't touch me there

# Sadly, it's not real I bought it from a shop

# I am bare and so unmaned underneath this thing I wear

# It's really just a mop Lift the edge and you will see

# I have lost my own My cover has been blown

# Blown

# A-ooooooooooooh

# Oooooooooh

# Oooooooooh

# Oooh

# Oooooooh #