03x01 - Episode 1

[bunniefuu]

'This programme contains strong language from the start.'

# Where does our love lie?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Oh, baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do

# I'm in the middle of nowhere, gettin' nowhere with you #

I've seen him in the shallow end.

Yep. Let's dive in and show off.

No, I can't. My hair goes really frizzy.

Don't be so vain! Come on, let's just dive in. Ready?

Oh, I just... It will go...

One, two, three.

How's my hair?

It's fine.

It's not gone frizzy?

No, no. He's watching.

Did he see?

Ever had a full body wax?

I haven't, no.

It's a strange sensation, but you'll see that it's effective.

One, two, three.

RIPPING

You see, very good. Want to flip over, do the other side?

Yeah, cos I got, like, an Airedale, you know.

Up my bum crack.

Oh, we'll soon sort that out. Flip over.

It'd be nice if some of that went into the pot, thanks.

Pam, put that down. I have a salmon en croute for table four.

Where's my minestrone soup?!

Lori, do not take the salads until I put the garnish on!

Karen, I need that avocado or the lot goes in the bin! Go! Where's my raspberry coulis?!

(SHRILL) Where's my coulis?! Where's Luke?!

He went home, he felt queasy.

(SHRILL) QUEASY?! QUEASY?! (SCREECHES INCOMPREHENSIBLY)

IT'S NOT FAIR, WHAT I PUT UP WITH...

(DEEP AND HUSKY) Leave that, I'll take over.

Just take five, everyone. Take five.

# BIG BEAT

CHATTER

Hi.

Hi.

Mmm.

You look gorgeous.

I didn't think you'd get away.

I've thought about it all day.

Ah, me too. Mmm.

I am not gonna be able to keep my hands off you.

I feel guilty, but I just... God, you are so f*cking irresistible.

It's like t*rture, isn't it? Mm.

(BOTH SIGH)

Someone's gonna see us, I know, but I just... I don't care.

It's just hard.

I know.

I dunno. I sometimes wish... What do you think she'd do if she found out?

Who?

Your wife.

I'm not married.

What?

I'm not married. I thought you were.

No, I'm not.

Hm.

Want another drink?

No, I'm not bothered.

I just start, do I? Right.

I'm looking for a man who also regrets his punk past.

Obviously, I had a great time, lots of fun and laughs,

but I do also have that.

Which is a bit of shame cos, otherwise, I think I look like Dame Diana Rigg.

It's disgusting. I haven't washed my hair for weeks.

Hi, I'm really shallow and boring. Erm...

I haven't got much to say, can't be arsed to get a job.

I'm obsessed with my own problems.

Not really bothered by physical hygiene. Erm...

I'd be a financial and emotional drain on anyone stupid enough to go out with me.

But I do swallow.

It's your decision.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Claire! Claire, is it done yet? I can't bear it.

It turned orange.

What? What does that mean?

I dunno.

What does it say?

Erm... Right, blue - you're pregnant, white - you're not.

There's no orange.

No. Do you think it's bad?

No, no. That's almost certainly a really good sign.

It's probably, like, erm, you're, y'know, a boy, pink...

And, er, orange is just probably general.

Does the box say anything?

Erm...

(MUMBLES)

Right, hang on. Orange - "You are not pregnant." Oh.

Oh, Claire. Oh, I'm really sorry.

Hang on. "But you have won a small cash prize."

That's fantastic! Well done! Excellent! Excellent!

Have you weeed on this?

Yeah.

I've won a small cash prize! Ha-ha!

(SNORTS)

Mm.

Hm.

Hm. Oh. Outside.

Oh!

(SIGHS)

(GROANS)

(TUTS)

(SIGHS)

Aaaah! Oh!

Aaaaah!

Mm!

Oh, Eamon! (BREATHY GIGGLE)

Mm! (GIGGLES)

Mm! (Oh!)

Agh! What?

You were havin' a bad dream.

Was I?

Mm.

Oh. Sorry, darling.

It's all right. Just... I'm here.

Oh, bugger. Bugger. Bugger, bugger, bugger.

Why does this always happen? Oh.

Sugar. Sugar. No, not good, not good. Ooh!

Everything OK?

Yeah, it's just the computer is... all on fire.

What were you tryin' to do?

I just wanted to print that.

Right. OK. Well, you just go there,

on this menu, click on "print."

Yeah.

You clicked "keyboard destruct" just underneath.

If it's still on fire, you go to "help",

"show balloons", coffee icon,

"splash"!

There we are.

Thanks a lot. I'll remember that.

It's all right, done it enough myself. Are you new?

No.

No.

SHOUTS AND CAMERAS CLICKING

Hi there!

Oh, bingo!

Oh, my Lord!

RADIO CRACKLES

(Sarge, the eagle has landed.)

"Maintain radio silence."

Oh, God, that's the signal.

Signal back.

Oh no, that's the lights in my car!

No, it's that button there.

Isn't it here?

It's this one.

HORN BLARES

Oh no! No, that's the hazards!

You've got the engine on!

I'll turn it on!

ENGINE REVS

Oh no! f*ck!

Shiiit!

SIREN WAILS

Turn it off! Why does that keep going off?

Is that a beam symbol?

Bloody stupid place for it if it is!

That is ludicrous!

BOTH: Yes!

Ah, sh*t.

RADIO CRACKLES

Sarge, the eagle has flown.

"What the f*ck spooked 'em?"

An owl... hooted, Sarge. They must have thought it was the signal.

(OWL NOISE)

"Just go 'ome, will ya?"

ENGINE REVS, HORN BLARES AND SIREN WAILS

Bloody hell!

There that goes again!

Why? Why? Because that...

It isn't supposed to be outside, is it?

Jules, I'm going to go outside. Do you want to come?

I thought you'd given up.

I did give up and then I took it up again.

Come on. You know you want to!

(SQUEAKY) I know I want to!

If you've got no willpower at all, accept that and get on with it.

I think you're probably right.

Oh, that's better!

Yeah.

Much better!

< Hi!

# FLEETWOOD MAC: Albatross

GEARS GRINDING AND BRAKES SCREECHING

I think you can.

No. The managers come in and everyone has a bloody go at you.

Surprise! >

PARTY POPPERS, SQUEAKERS, CHEERING

I don't believe it! You b*stards!

Oh God!

Oh, you complete bunch of shits!

I don't believe you did this! You wankers!

Oh, you utter wankers!

You sneaky, conniving bunch of twats!

PARTY NOISE SUBSIDES

I don't believe you did this! You horrible f*ck!

Honestly, you flabby arseholes!

You great steaming streaks of piss!

You complete bollock-arsed shits!

Honestly, you great minging c....

PARTY POPPER

Do you want us to tidy it all away?

I just need five minutes. I'm not very good at surprises.

Have you got me an exploding cake?

No.

Cos I don't actually mind those.

Did someone tell her?

72. There is a chicken. Did you know that, Leslie?

Yeah? What?

Chicken with cracked black pepper.

And you just baste it.

74. 71.

You just get some cracked pepper.

What is cracked pepper?

You know pepper comes in those ba*ls?

It's like smashed up. 71.

Can't you just smash it yourself?

Yeah... 75.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Hello!

91 - let's get him!

POLICE! POLICE!

POLICE!

STOP! STOP!

POLICE!

(PANTS)

(SIGHS)

I assume you didn't...?

Very close.

Right.

Very, very close.

(GASPS)

Ah!

Ah!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Just gonna change over.

Oh!

Changing arms, changing arms!

Oh!

Oh! Oh! That's so sexy!

Oh!

Oh!

Oh!

Mmm. Mm.

Oh!

Ah!

Aah!

Yeah!

Aah!

Don't STOP!

Oh! Oh! Ooh!

My name's Patricia and I live in Went-worth.

I like boating and gawlf and hunt-ing.

I attend As-cot reg-u-larly, and enjoy polo.

(COARSELY) Go back, I f*cked up!

Just do it, one more time!

I attend As-cot...

From the beginning!

My name's Patricia and I live in Went-worth.

I like boating and gawlf...

For f*ck's sake! Stick to the script!

Ah, f*ck it!

If I could choose any man in the world, it would have to be a Bond.

I don't mind which one,

as long as he's got night-vision goggles and an exploding pen,

because, well, that'd be very exciting.

(SIGHS)

I'm looking for a man... who...

I'm looking for a man who suffers from premature ejaculation.

Really.

I dunno. You're lovely but you're such a doormat.

Am I?

Yeah. Play it cool, hard to get.

Don't let on that you like a guy. Right? That's all it it is.

Wow! Look at him over there.

Oh, he's gorgeous.

He's coming over. Be hard to get.

Hard to get.

Vodka tonic, please.

You OK for a drink?

Do you want me number?

Good. That's, like, halfway there.

Don't think he'll come back, do you?

< No.

# UK GARAGE

Gettin' doggy with it!

# My doggy gets to wiggy your doggy But you don't even winky at me

# My doggy get to snoop round her batty But you won't do the same for me

# Our doggies deep down and dirty They're just showin' us what to do

# Watch them pokey-pokey on the lino That could be like me and you

# Why are you so tricky when your doggy is so wicked?

# Why you gettin' freezy when your dog is sleazy?

# Leave me high and dry when we should be gettin' greasy

# You should be like your doggy just doin' what she pleasey

# C'mon, doggy lovers, c'mon

# Give the dog a b*ner

# Woofty-woofty-woof, doggy style!

# C'mon, doggy lovers, c'mon

# Give the dog a b*ner

# Woofty-woofty-woof

# You just find it funny when my doggy shag your leggy

# So why you get so mad when I was rubbin' on your peggy?

# Go and read my name cos my dog is gettin' jiggy

# And when he come down he'll have lots of ciggy

# My doggy gets to wiggy your doggy But you don't ever winky at me

# Your b*tch she have a jiggle for the puppies And all I get is chastity

# When they get bagling on the sofa I get this thought comes in my mind

# You're a great big growly man Who could be creeping up from behind

# You're acting like ignoring me is now your latest hobby

# Should be taking notes from doggies on the jobby

# Do it on the sidewalk might be gettin' risky

# So take me round the back I like bein' frisky

# C'mon, doggy lovers, c'mon

# Give the dog a b*ner

# Woofty-woofty-woof

# Doggy style

# C'mon, doggy lovers, c'mon

# Give the dog a b*ner

# Woofty-woofty-woof

# C'mon, doggy lovers, c'mon

# Give the dog a b*ner

# Woofty-woofty-woof

# C'mon, doggy lovers, c'mon

# Give the dog a b*ner

# C'mon doggy lovers, c'mon #

WHISTLE

And we're gonna do some decking in the garden.

I'm pleased that you've bought.

It's gonna be k*ller. Barbecue. It's gonna be lovely.

It's quite nice land, actually. Yeah, it's gonna be great.

Would you like to have a dance?

No, thanks, I don't dance. Cheers.

OK.

That's a hot property. Very nice.

So, erm, yeah, it's three bedrooms.

Are you sure I can't persuade you?

Thank you, I don't dance.

I'd like to see you try.

You don't. I'm terrible.

Really? Shame.

Thanks, though.

< Nice that she put up a fight.

It's a great track, come and dance.

No, I don't dance. I'm no good.

Come and have a f*cking dance!

I don't wanna dance.

OK.

< She's got k*ller instinct!

Yoo-hoo!