03x02 - Episode 2

[bunniefuu]

# In The Middle Of Nowhere

# Where does our love lie?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it still pass me by?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Oh, baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Gettin' nowhere with you #

We cannot claim the greater market share unless we diversify.

We need intelligent advertising, too.

We haven't enough computer programmes.

MAP graphics - this is what Desktop Engineering Systems are offering.

It has a computer mapping capability with a relational database system.

(GRAVELLY) The Bourbon is mine!

Descriptive attribute data can be linked to a map or drawing - that's brilliant.

There's this other one over here. Where's it gone?

That's £5,000 per one copy.

(MOUTHS)

You're in. Just checkin' my e-mails.

Want some hot milk?

No. Sure?

Yeah.

Thanks.

It's just...

Yes!

Yes. It is... falling open.

"I am moving closer to you. I am inches away from you."

"I am moving my hand up your leg."

"Yes."

"And touching your breasts"?

Can you do it a bit more...

firmly, please?

Cos I can't feel anything.

At all.

"I'mmmmmmmmmmmm"?

Oh, no. Not again.

Technical problems?

It's to do with the connections. It keeps coming and going.

Want a stir-fry? Er, no.

You sure? Yeah.

You look a bit pale. >

Jenny, we were all really shocked to hear about your mum.

I know there's nothing we can say, but we've signed this just to show you we're all thinkingof you.

Oh, thanks. Worried about you.

Thanks.

# ELECTRONIC FUNERAL MARCH

SILENCE

Thanks.

# FUNERAL MARCH

SILENCE

I find...

I think I have made the most enormous gaffe.

Why? What happened? I was talking to Graham.

Yah?

I only went and bluddy... put him on fire.

You put him on fire? Really on fire?

Yah.

His coof was just hanging there.

And you set fire to it?

Just a bit.

But now I think it's all... ablaze.

Are you going to tell him?

It's too embarrassing. "I'm sorry, but I think I've put you on fire."

I do feel awful. Yah. Obviously, I mean, dreadful.

Daria, will you tell him?

No, no. If I tell him he's on fire, he'll think I did it, and I didn't.

Clarissa?

No, no, then he'll think I did it, and I didn't.

ALL: Oh, sh*t.

OK, guys. Cover me.

Man on fire!

I think someone in this room might be on fire.

# Specs

# Specs

# Specs

# Wa-hoo

# Wa-hoo, wa-hoo

# Wa-hoo

# Wa-hoo

# Wa-hoo, wa-hoo, wa-hoo!

# Wa-hoo-wah

# Specs

# Specs

# Specs #

BEEP

(EASTERN EUROPEAN ACCENT) I am 22 and I have walked into a wall.

I have not had any form of cosmetic surgery.

Can a woman not just walk into a wall

without the chattering classes saying she has had cosmetic surgery?

Elton John, get down!

Get down, Elton John!

I live in the country.

I have a room full of frilly frocks.

I show you very good time.

Get down, Elton John!

Don't lick my face, Elton John!

My face is very painting.

BEEP

I want a small man, manageable, doesn't need much attention, doesn't stink,

has long velvety ears... Oh no, that's a rabbit.

I want a small man, manageable, doesn't need much attention, doesn't stink,

drives a Renault Clio.

# BLUES GUITAR

Hey, I'm back. Hey!

Do you need a hand with...

I'm fine.

Hello. Here she is.

How was it? Fine. Seminars are a bit boring.

Tell me all about it. What about you? You OK?

Me? I'm fine, yeah.

Done anything exciting? Any parties?

I wish. No, I've just been... No, just here.

Oh, you stayed in all weekend. Yes.

You're funny.

Erm, can I ask you something?

Sure.

Erm, it doesn't matter - at all -

but, while I was away, did you, erm,...

Did I what?

Did you... It really, really, really doesn't... doesn't matter.

(CLEARS THROAT)

Have a wank at all?

Did I...

I can't believe you asked me that.

I guess you didn't, then.

Cos, I mean, it wouldn't matter. Absolutely.

I just want you to be honest. Of course. Always. But no...

No what? Oh, it's perfectly natural.

It's com... Absolutely natural, yes.

I want you to be natural with me.

Of course. But no... I wanted to save it up for you, didn't I?

You're away. I'm and you're... It's not something that I'm gonna... You know.

All right. Of course, obviously, of course I did, yes.

I'm here. It'd be unnatural not to, you know.

I had two, actually.

You disgusting pig.

You filthy, disgusting, pervy, little pig.

You just...

I can't believe you did that. Two!

Natural. It's just...

(ALL SCREAM OUT)

Now, this is a new massage oil.

I've not used it before, but I've heard good things about it.

It's supposed to really soften the skin.

So if you just relax there.

Yeah. Everything OK?

Oh yeah, lovely. Mmm.

Mmm.

Is that all right? Yeah, that's lovely.

Is that pressure all right? Ooh, that's really nice.

You're not at all tight, which...

which is...

Is that good?

Which is quite good.

Is that OK? Yeah, that's nice.

Is that all right? Yeah, that's lovely.

Mmm.

I feel really relaxed now.

What I might do now is...

ECHOING WHALE MOANING That is whale music.

Oh yeah, I like that.

I might just leave you to relax a bit. A lot.

OK. Thanks.

Massive. Look at these - they're brilliant.

Let's get them. They're so funny.

Shall we get them? We can wear them to Les's.

Yeah. Hilarious. This one has got my name on it.

I think so.

I think I'll have to get this one.

Is this the best one for me?

Yeah, it's the funniest. Yeah.

Yeah. It'll go with your red mini skirt.

Is it really so funny if I wear it?

It's hilarious. Yeah.

Don't think about it, just get it. Let's just get it.

Just get it.

I wish I'd got that one now. Well, we'll swap.

No. It suits you that one.

(GERMAN ACCENT) Some pulmonary hypertension...

from ze tract.

Stop it.

Hypertension in ze tissue of ze...

Stop looking at me like zat, you crazy coot.

Atrial defect...

Tch! Oh!

I know what you're doing, cheeky.

Look, I'm very busy.

I have all zis filing to do and I don't know where... I'm going to put it.

No, I can't go bowling, I'm up to my ears.

I'm going to put zis up here.

Over here.

Stop it! I'm very busy.

You naughty, naughty monkey boy. I couldn't possibly...

All right. Very quickly.

Sshh! Sshh!

Now, patience, please.

Ooh. Ja.

Come on, you.

It's your lucky day.

Eins, zwei, drei, funf, boogie nights.

# Lah-lah-lah KNOCKING

Ja!

Dr Becker, do you have the skeleton? >

Oh, skeleton, no. I haven't seen it.

Come in.

Hi. Professor needs it, can I take it?

I haven't seen ze skeleton, no.

You haven't got the skeleton?

What am I? Skeleton thief?

I think... Dr Stewart in room 24. I see it there a lot.

Right.

Zat was very close, funny bones.

Oh. (ROARS)

Zis is good.

Zis is very good.

Aaaaaaaaah! (GIGGLES)

That was brilliant. I'll give you one.

I'm twice the size of you. I'm strong. Don't patronise me.

I'm not patronising you, I'm...

You're not stronger than me just cos you're a man.

Come on, I'll give you a backie.

Really? Yeah, I'm quite capable.

Fine. All right.

You ready? Ready?

Yeah. Hah! Heeeey.

'We all need space.'

'Space to move.'

'Space to be ourselves.'

'Space for life.'

'Some people need more space than others.'

'Cars -

so much bigger than an ordinary handbag.'

You've not been here before, have you, Graham? We do favour a more holistic dental approach.

Your knee is connected to your hypothalamus.

If you could open wide.

And could have the mirror on a stick, please, Cindy? Thank you.

We'll have a little look there.

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

You have got quite a lot of impacted food there.

So I'll just go in and get it out.

Thanks, Cindy. Tongue swab.

Thank you very much.

So I'm going to go and get that out.

Hmm.

I'm sorry. What are you doing?

I'm getting it out with my tongue.

With your tongue? That's right.

Really... is that... is that normal?

Completely normal, yes. We do it all the time.

You do seem to be quite nervous. We'll try to speed up the procedure.

Cindy, if you could come in by the aural canal.

How very peculiar.

There didn't appear to be anything there at all.

So that'll be you done then. If you could rinse.

And... spit.

We'll see you again in six... two weeks.

Two weeks. Lovely. Thanks a lot.

BEEP

My name is Patricia and I'm lactose intolerant

and I'm not allowed out of Berkshire.

BEEP

Hi.

Yeah, I'm looking for a man who...

erm, yeah, is pretty up on modern contemporary thought,

somebody whose knowledge of late '90s literary criticism

isn't just Gayatri Spivak's introduction of Of Grammatology by Jacques Derrida,

somebody who's heard of Helene Cixous and Julia Kristeva,

who knows what I mean by "woman's time".

Is that true? Actually, not sure.

Actually,

maybe I'm looking for somebody quite dim that I can patronise.

# ALL: I've been to every corner of the planet

# I'm like a drug and they really should ban it

# I'm just a dangerous cow There is no doubt...

# I'm toxic and bad tempered so just don't ask me out

# So listen, captain, if you wanna ride

# I've got an awful lot of horrid stuff inside

# I'm just a dangerous cow And that's for certain

# So if you're smart, cabin boy, you'll keep your shirt on

# You don't wanna know me I've got too much baggage

# I've got an ex-boyfriend locked up in my carriage

# I'm a bit dodgy I lie like a monkey

# I'm a bit woo-ha! Turn nasty when drunky

# I've got some baggage on board you can't handle

# I'm mental and bored I'm a scandal

# I'm just like a drug and they really should ban it

# And there's nothing worse than me on the planet

# Put me through an X-ray machine I am heartless

# A picture of what's nasty and mean but I'm artless

# There's nothing you can do to impress if you adore me

# I've seen it all, I couldn't care less, you abhor me

# So you'd better beware I swear, I don't care

# You'll despair, you'll tear at least more than your hair

# Come on board I'll guarantee catastrophe

# I'll steer you through the rocks but you won't last with me

# You're swimming with a shark who's lost her sanity

# You'd better listen up cos I'm the queen of vanity

# Come any closer, boy, and I will skewer you

# And if you wriggle in my rocks I'll make a stew of you

# You don't wanna know me I'm not a nice lady

# Grim and bad tempered My past, it is shady

# I've done some bad sh*t sent all through the post

# My mind is a cess pit and I'll wee on your toast

# You don't wanna know me I'm not a nice person

# I'm really bad now and I'll only worsen

# I'm a bit spiteful Tough as asbestos

# And if you fly me It'll be your loss #

I'm just a little bit, erm,...

That dress isn't going to clash with my shirt, is it?

I'll have to get you to pop something else on if it does.

I don't want to hurry you but - (CLAPS) - please.

Oh, and, erm, a favour -

please, please, no flat shoes tonight,

try and wear something a little bit... showy, would you?

It is sometimes nice to know where the car finishes and the ankle begins.

Did I tell you Douglas will be there?

Remember Douglas - just got promoted, highly influential.

If that one pays off, we'll all be, erm,...

much, much happier.

What do think about that?

Yes.

Come.