03x03 - Episode 3

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Getting nowhere with you #

Morning.

ALL: Morning.

Good weekend, everybody?

Great, thanks.

Great. We'll just crack on.

We've got the report back from the-

(LOTS OF SUPPRESSED GIGGLES)

We've got the... report back from the...

(SNORTS)

Sorry. Am I missing a joke here, or...?

Oh, it's so funny.

(GIGGLES, THEN CRACKS UP LAUGHING)

You think we're sitting on chairs, don't you?

Mm.

We're not! We're kneeling!

# FUNK

There isn't a lot I can do for Lassie,... erm, now.

I could operate on the liver

and hope the cancer hasn't spread through the lymphatic system.

Very dangerous, it's a high-risk operation

and it could take away what little life he has left.

She.

She has left.

Actually, I can do it. I can. I can do it.

I'm really, really, really very good. A very, very good vet.

God, if anybody can do it, I can do it.

I once took a swim bladder out of a cat... fish. (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. So,... we'll have a go. Whoops!

We'll have a go. Right.

Hang on. Actually, I'm pissed.

D'you fancy climbing over the railings in the park instead?

What about Lassie?

Lift her over. Do you want a cigarette?

That's the advantage of a smaller breed.

I'm getting some pipe cleaners and an Easter egg.

No, I've got to use the toilet. I've got to use the toilet!

Fill it up.

I don't know how to. I've never done it before.

< I don't know how.

God! I don't believe it!

Just grab it, stick it in and squeeze it, all right?

It's dripping! Is that normal?

Sophie...

Tony, do you want to do it?

Yes. Shall I?

You do it, yeah.

I think I might have spilt a bit.

'There is nothing physically wrong with them.'

'They have ordinary jobs.'

Oooh!

'They look quite normal.'

'They might make you feel uncomfortable.'

'But, deep down, they're like you and me.'

Oooh, f-!

'Except these people don't swear.'

fiddle faddle!

Sugar!

Gosh!

Flip!

No, no, you naughty knife!

'How the f*ck do they do that?!'

Millions of restaurants sell desserts, Bernie.

It's not because your meal-havers are stuffed, as you so beautifully put it

You have to do the dessert face or they'll go straight for coffee.

I have been, haven't I, Sean?

No. I've been watching. You're off-puttin' the meal-havers.

I've just had a chicken Diana. Do your dessert face?

Forgotten how to do it.

Put your eyebrow up. Flirt with it.

Would you like a little dessert?

Would you like a li'l dessert?

Would you like a li'l dessert?

Would you like a li'l dessert?

Ribshack face. They'll go straight for t'coffee.

Head down. Nobody wants to look up your nose. Would you like a dessert?

(AMERICAN) Would you like a dessert?

Run into it. How was your meal? Would you like a dessert?

How was your meal? (WEIRD) Would you like a dessert?!

Matilda has sold more puddings than anyone.

How many last night?

Thirty-three.

< Smashin'. Will you show Bernie how to do your dessert face?

(SEXY) Would you like a little dessert?

Dessert is, like, the fun course. You've got to have fun with it.

Otherwise where are we all? Is it all meaningless, you know?

Thank you, Matilda.

Would you like a little dessert?

Would you like a little dessert?

Would you like a little dessert?

Would you like a little dessert?

Would you like a coffee? I'm wearing pink pants.

Like a coffee? I'm wearing pink pants.

Come in for coffee. I'm wearing pink pants. Would you like a dessert?

Coffee? I'm wearing pink pants. (WEIRD) Would you like a dessert?

Are you doing this on purpose? Are you an anarchist?

No, I'm not. I'm really not.

No dessert face, Bernie, no job.

(SEXY) Would you like to come in for coffee? I'm wearing pink pants.

(GRAVELLY) Would you like a li'l dessert in your pants?

(WEIRD) Would you like a li'l dessert? >

I'm pretty relaxed. I suppose I need somebody who's pretty relaxed.

Someone without too many boundaries,

someone prepared to have a semi-pseudo...

a semi Oedipus/Electra model relationship.

Obviously nothing too serious.

I'm not going to sacrifice anything or k*ll my mother

but I will want to sleep with your dad.

On the minus side, I'm a vegetarian who can't cook.

It's probably better to get that out of the way,

cos I find it can cause problems.

(SPANISH ACCENT) I hope to meet a man called Carlos,

or who I can call Carlos.

I don't particularly like the name

but I have a tattoo on my bottom, "I love Carlos",

and I can't afford to have it removed.

Is it OK to keep the cushion? Cos I'm nervous.

Oh, great.

Hello. I'm Harry. I live in Padstow.

I've got a fisherman's cottage on the beach.

It's full of tiles and bits of old boats.

Erm,... I like rambling

and long, wet country walks.

And pottering about in antique shops and going to Rick Stein's restaurant

And ra-ra-ra-ra! Ra-ra-ra!

Bli-bli-bli!

(WHINNEYS)

Shut u-up! (SIGHS)

Wish I wasn't so posh!

'Pi-la-tes.'

I bet you look brilliant.

It's a sign he likes you if he's bought you a dress.

< I'm not used to wearing dresses.

I bet you look fantastic in it.

What do you think?

Yeah...

What about with a scarf?

Erm... Er,... no.

And for you, madam?

Erm, yeah.

It all looks really lovely

but I've got these food allergies and I'm on this special diet.

That must be really hard.

Yeah. Can be.

See, the thing is, the problem is,

there's nothing in your starters I can actually have.

I'm sure we can make you something.

That would be fantastic.

Can I choose from this section instead? Could I have that?

The chocolate pudding?

Yeah. With chocolate custard.

Chocolate custard.

Can the chocolate pudding have melting lumps of chocolate in it?

Brilliant. And for the main course,

I'll have a main-course-sized chocolate gateau.

Chocolate gateau.

Does it have layers of cream in it?

No, but we can put cream in.

I'd rather not. If you'd scrape anything out...

Erm, yes, OK.

And can you slide whole bars of actual chocolate in between instead?

Lovely. Thank you.

And for dessert?

Oh, no, I don't think I should.

Actually, can I have some chocolate? Obviously not plain chocolate. Milk.

Milk chocolate.

Milk chocolate just on its own. Quite... 500g bar.

So I didn't think you fancied me.

I don't know why you thought that.

SLUSHY SAXOPHONE MUSIC

MUSIC SLIDES TO A STOP

Ah. Come here.

Eh? So...

No. No, no, no, no, no.

No, it's no good. I still don't love you.

Right. Let's try it again a bit further down.

No. I'm just going to go and get some chips.

Good idea. I'll come and...

No. Stay there.

Yeah...

MUSIC STARTS AGAIN, THEN STOPS

But, essentially, quite messy so...

There's no reference to shaft...

But I think the most important thing in the strategy-

MOBILE PHONE

Sorry, guys. I'm expecting a call from Milan. Won't be a second.

Barbara Bellini.

Oh, hello.

I can't talk at the moment. I'm in a meeting. Can I call you...?

Yes. Sorry about that. I was a bit anxious this morning. Yeah.

Yeah. I love you, too. Yeah.

OK.

No. No. No, I can't, I'm in a meeting.

All right. I'll just do the quick one, OK?

# O mio babbino caro,

# Mi piace, e bello, bello;

# Mi struggo e mi tormento!

# O dio,

# Vorrei morir! #

Yeah. You were mentioning about the shaft.

I was going to call Chris for that.

I think the rococo look is bad.

Oi! Get outta there! >

Hey. Here we are.

Ooh! Wow! That is a big flat.

D'you like it?

That's a nice flat.

Look at that.

Come in.

I'm in. Hey.

But this jacket must come... off.

It's comin' off. All right.

Well, this one has got to come off, too.

Yeah.

And this is my sofa, of course.

And this bow, this has got to...

Yeah, that's a very important bow.

If I pulled, that's got to come off.

I'm afraid it doesn't.

It does nothing? Let's talk about that down here.

Actually, d'you mind? I've got a student with me at the moment.

Is that all right?

Oh, er, yeah.

It'll only take a couple of minutes.

Yeah, OK.

Stephanie? Come in!

Hey.

Come and sit.

This is Dave. Stephanie.

How're you gettin' on?

Dave has been invited back "for coffee". What happens now?

Casual, accidental shoulder reveal.

followed by pseudo-lumbar pain, "Ow", then breastal protrusion.

< Right. Good.

Now, Dave is twenty...

Four.

Nine.

29, and had a relationship with an older woman

< so he's looking for...

Probably not looking for commitment but just for casual... company.

< Casual company. Sure?

Erm, he's looking for sex!

< Yes. He's looking for sex!

OK, fine. What next?

Counting one, two, three,

four, five. Very good.

Good. And how was the oral presentation?

Gentle but persuasive clockwise rotation.

Which is known as?

That's known as...

It's, er,... >

standard oral whizzing.

Classic...

Classic gentle exploratory.

Really, put that in.

And next. What's next?

You'd caress the non-genital zones, like the calf.

The erogenous zones.

Erogenous zones, until you get some kind of positive reponse.

Yeah. No. That's nice.

If that helps.

Good.

Then he likes this...

Ooh, no, no, no, no, no, no.

He does that to me. Does that to me.

Then I take him roughly by the belt

Good.

and I sashay to the bedroom,

like that.

OK. I'll take over from here. Thanks, Stephanie.

You'll have to work on that sashay.

But don't I need to do part B?

Don't worry about that for now.

It's OK. If you want to do part B...

No, it's OK.

Not now, Stephanie. Later, please.

I need to do it, Dr Gordon.

Well, we'll do it next week.

Thanks, Stephanie.

Sorry. Thanks for bearing with us. I know some people find it off-putting

Hey, no. That's...

Is she with you long?

No. Just for today.

Ah.

Shame.

Oooh-hoo! Frederick, slow down a bit! Whaaah!

Whoo! >

Good boy! This way, come on! >

This way! Come on!

Hi, Darren.

Frederick, bad, bad!

Sorry I'm late. Got a little bit- Whoa!

Whoa-oa!

A little bit- Whey!

A little bit... A little bit frisky.

Please don't chuck me. I've got a lot of hidden depths.

Darren?

Oooh!

What kind of a partner am I after?

Take a wild guess, why don't you?

My cossie should give you a bit of a clue.

Hi. I'm Annie and I live in Upper Largo.

And I know what you think. You think, "What's special about her?"

Well, you know how people always say you end up looking like your mum?

Well, I brought my mum along.

(Mum! Mum!)

I'm a surprise waiting to happen.

# DISCO

I'm recently separated. We weren't really compatible.

I was an Aquarius and he was a complete c(BLEEP)t.

It was really sweet of you to come and stay, Olivia.

You are my best friend, though.

That's really kind of you to say that.

Basically, there's loads of pheasant up there that you can fire at.

And there's, like, rabbits you can fire at as well.

And that's really good fun. So, all you need to do is just, is see one.

Just let rip.

Great!

Great!

Yah. Yah. I don't... I think that might have been Father Christmas.

Is that good or bad?

Erm,...

..it's not totally good.

Maybe we should just go along here a bit.

It's just the only thing is, I'm not sure that was one of ours.

# I've got the wrong shoes on my feet

# I've got blisters from the street

# And I'm walkin'

# I'm walkin'

# All my bootees are killin' me

# I've got the wrong shoes, Need a pee

# And I'm walkin'

I can't find the buffet.

# I'm walkin'

Where's the buffet gone?

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired,

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired, Very, very tired

# I'm walkin'

I can't find the buffet.

# I'm walkin'

It's inadequately signposted.

# I've got Jimmy Choos on my feet

# I've got shoe blues, I'm dead beat

# But I'm walkin'

They're a bit high.

# Not made for walkin'

They pinch around the toes.

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired, Very, very tired

# I'm walkin'

I'm hungry.

# I'm walkin'

Shoulda worn sandals. The shoes are cuttin' into me feet.

A blister has popped and, now, is bleeding

and the blood has stuck to the sock.

Which is a pain.

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired, Very, very tired

# I'm walkin'

I'm hungry.

# I'm walkin'

(SIGHS) Don't know if it's worth it, goin' to the buffet, anyway.

£4.95 for as much as you can eat.

Do they really mean as much as you can eat? Or is that just to lure...?

# Got the wrong shoes!

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired, Very, very tired

# Got the wrong shoes

# I'm walkin'

I can't find the buffet. I should just buy lace-ups.

# Got the wrong shoes!

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired, Very, very tired

# Got the wrong shoes!

He's a nice man.

# Got the wrong shoes on!

He's a really nice man.

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired

# I'm very tired, I'm very tired, Very, very tired

To be honest, if I'd have known it was this far,

I don't think I'd have come.

RHYTHMICAL TAPPING

TAPPING STOPS

I just want to say, that is the best table drumming I have ever seen.

And I've seen a lot.