03x07 - Episode 7

[bunniefuu]

# Where does our love lie?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Will it soon pass me by?

# In the middle of nowhere

# Baby, won't you tell me

# What am I to do?

# I'm in the middle of nowhere

# Getting nowhere with you #

I don't think people care enough about endangered species.

Obviously, some people care.

I care.

I care.

Sometimes, I send £1.

Do you? I think that's- Aaaaaaaaagh!

that's good, you know.

I think women care more than men, in general, don't you?

Men would eat anything with a face on it.

It's true. There's women- Aaaaaaagh!

particularly with, what are they called? Like monkey things.

Monkeys, in general. They really bond with-

Aaaaaaaagh!

D'you want your armpits doing?

If you've got time. Brilliant.

Yeah, I can fit you in.

There's giant turtles somewhere-

Aaaaaaaaagh! >

as big as a small house. >

Anna, hi. >

So sorry I'm late. I had to get the night flight.

OK.

But I'm here. Have you ordered?

Er, no, I haven't.

All right.

Thanks for coming. I did have a few things to say.

I did feel that we should-

Chipirone, boquerone, pan y alioli, por favor. Gracias.

Er, er, I'll say after.

Agua sin gas, por favor. Gracias.

Nada mas. Nada mas!

I needed to talk out of the office first, after last week's events.

Right.

Someone has to take responsibility for losing a £2 million deal.

I think that somebody must be you.

Ensalada mixta, por favor.

Ensalada mixta. >

Gracias.

Running and leaving a mildly alcoholic teenage boy to take-

Dos cervezas, por favor.

Patatas bravas. Gracias.

Now have some of that. That is fantastic. Taste that.

I feel that I have absolutely no option but to...

Tengo sed, tengo sed! Rioja, por favor!

Erica-

Taste that. Mm. Just makes you think you're in Spain, doesn't it?

Maybe that's because you often...

Cheers. You know, I love this job. I really do.

I think you're a brilliant boss. Here's to the future.

I'm afraid we will have to let...

Albondigas, por favor!

They're very slow here.

There's no sensitive way of saying..

Chorizo, chorizo, por favor!

Ah, gracias! Bueno. Bueno.

Actually, hold that. You must eat that. That is fantastic.

There's so many areas in which you've been... your performance-

Calamari! Calamari, por favor! Y un pocito de chipirones.

Lovely.

Hold that. That is fantastic, too.

Look at all that. You must have it all. Help yourself.

Lovely. We are... I can't...

What was I saying?

I'm going to take you to Spain,

to where gypsies sing flamenco in the caves.

# Ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay-ay! Ohhhhh!

I have just remembered what I was going to say.

# Ali-ali-ali-ali-ali-ali-ali-ah! #

That'd be lovely. Yeah.

Walk on.

Hey, maybe we could go as far as the old brewery.

Oh, that would be lovely.

Look at it. Isn't it beautiful?

It's stunning.

I said to Michael the other day, we've been lucky with the weather.

Wait, Shona, wait a minute. Look.

Oh, no, look. He's getting all muddy. Look.

Look at the mess! His legs were white before. Now they're spattered.

Just a little bit.

We'll have to go back. I'm not going to enjoy it. It's no good. I'm sorry.

I hate you, you dirty, dirty horse. Come on, let's go back. Come on.

It's just lucky I took his tights off before we came.

Well, do you want to go back and maybe put their wellies on?

Right, I think it's, er, time.

Time for what?

Time for the most important question a man can ask a woman.

(Go on!)

Ah, yes.

Thanks. That's fantastic.

Oh.

# Ta-da! #

Erm... Er... What is it?

Well, it's not so much "what is it", it's what's inside it.

Go on, help... Jump in. Get...

Right.

OK.

Something metal and shiny.

Yeah? What do you think?

Erm,... it's lovely.

Lovely? Look at your face.

This is a hand-chosen, World w*r I German infantry helmet.

What was I going to do, go out and buy you a ring? Done to death as...

< Try it on.

No, I-I...

< It's absolutely... Look.

He-ey! That's...

That is... If you knew... That is absolutely...

That looks... Actually, I've got a..

This is just a... If you knew how absolutely... Look at me, darling.

< Look at me. That's it.

Open your mouth a bit, darling. Go "ah".

< Just a... There we go. Just a...

You've got a little... on your top. Do you want to...?

Aw, f*ck, yeah.

That is fantastic. Honestly, you're really...

I'll just... That's for me. But, listen, will you...?

Will I what?

Marry me, mm?

So won't.

WESTCOUNTRY: Hello. I'm Hayley.

I'm looking for someone I can have great, big... chats with.

Night chats, where what you say, even what you think, don't matter.

Cos I want to talk about everything, you know,

like, about how w*r...

isn't always a positive thing.

And money,

that can be quite hard to get hold of.

And religion...

It's pretty complicated.

About how, I think, relationships can sometimes be quite hard work.

So I'm looking for a man who wants to spend time talking to me

and not, you know,...

speeding down the Gorge on his Harley,

then getting tanked up on cider

and having to piss into the Wookey Hole

all the time,

Rob.

Mmm. That should do it.

Hi, I'm Gail.

And, I have to warn you now, I'm really passionate about my hobbies.

I like reading, going to the cinema...

Erm,...

good food.

That's about it, really.

Oh, I can't believe I forgot. Erm, bowling.

BIRDSONG

I'll leave their food for them here, Moira.

They're unfamiliar with your scent but they are familiar with mine.

I'll hang back here with you

and we'll have to play a bit of a waiting game. All right?

Oh, Moira!

I think we're in luck.

No sudden movements.

Take a look at that.

I can't see anything.

Just fractionally to the right there, Moira. D'you see?

(GASPS) Oh, wow!

< Now that is Samson.

He is the herd's alpha male. A grand old fellow, isn't he?

D'you know, he's over 60 years old.

Oh, he's wonderful!

< (Keep your voice down, Moira.)

(If he spots us, he will charge and then we're in trouble.)

I mean, you see them on TV and...

they look really beautiful, but actually seeing them in the wild

They've actually been hunted to extinction now.

(WEEPY) That makes me so angry.

Originally, their ears were used as spectacle wipers for the wealthy.

Oh! There he goes.

Bye-bye, Samson.

Bye-bye, old friend.

(SNIFFS)

You all right there, Moira?

Yeah. I just feel, you know, overwhelmed.

Would you like me to rub your back, Moira?

No.

# CRAIG DAVID STYLE

Whoo-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

My goodness. I think I need a bit of a frisk.

I may have, yeah, put something...

Why don't you try it again?

Go through.

Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh!

You're doing that with your mouth.

< I can see you. What are you doing?

I'm not. I might have slipped I might have stolen something.

I need to be searched. Would you like to have a little check?

A check round there?

There you go. You can go now.

That wasn't very thorough.

Never mind. Whooee-ooee-ooee!

Hold on, hold on.

So, are you saying you've stolen something?

I think I might have put something-

Come on, let's have a look, then.

That's absolutely fine.

Do it properly! Do it properly! Go on, go on, go on! Do it properly!

Just all the way down there.

(SQUEAKS WITH LAUGHTER)

Oh!

I think you're fine.

Peter, what do you think-? Ah, thanks, man.

That's what it's all about, really.

Ooooh!

So you can sort of er...? Can you drop this?

Migrate to a beach hut at age 52, or something.

..tire of the beach...

Surprise!

(LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY) I got you!

Fight me! Fight me! Fight me!

Come on!

Creo que me la han robado. >

Can I stop you there?

Because I... we will send for a translator, right?

Si, pero es mi maleta.

Yeah.

Me pone en el suelo mi maleta mas grande de eso.

There's no point talking to me.

Pauline! Pauline!

The translator has arrived.

Jackie. Jackie.

Pauline, this lady wants to complain in foreign.

Right.

Hello. Which flag are you?

Espanol.

Right. Can you ask her: what is the problem?

(FRENCH ACCENT) What is the problem?

Hablas espanol?

Oui.

Mi problema es mi maleta.

Me pone en el suelo mi maleta mas grande de esto.

There's something wrong with her leg.

Me pone mi maleta en el suelo y me volve para un minuto y se fue.

Yeah.

It's big. The leg's big. It's gone puffy.

So big, puffed-up leg.

Does she say it was from negligence on the part of the airline?

(FRENCH ACCENT) Do you sink

zis was due to negligence on ze part of ze airline?

Que?

She doesn't know.

Tengo que ir a Madrid en una hora. Es muy importante para mi trabajar.

The leg was big but now it's little again.

Does she want to lodge an official complaint?

(FRENCH ACCENT) Do you want to lodge an official complaint?

Llama a la policia. Que pasa contigo?

She says no, and this is the last thing she's got to say on the matter

Right. OK. Thanks, Pauline.

Digame, un momento, llama a la policia.

The end.

Can you get her a sort of beeping vehicle so she can raise her leg?

I haven't got time.

Can you get someone to get one?

Perdona, me pone mi maleta en el suelo.

Look, me Catford, you I don't know.

< Para un momento...

'Not all girls give you grief when you forget to call.'

That's fine. I've just been waiting a few days.

'Not all girls mind if you watch football with your mates.'

Anybody fancy a kebab?

ALL: Yes!

'Not all girls mind sharing you with Lara Croft.'

'Not all girls freak when they find your porn stash.'

She's a bit chilly!

Wow!

'Not all girls mind you cutting your own hair.'

Ah!

Jesus, look at that!

'Ideal girl?'

'Get real.'

'Check her phone bill. She's getting it somewhere else.'

Nine-ish? OK?

I'll just pop in to say hello to the new receptionist. Won't be a second.

Hi. How are you doing?

Are you getting on OK?

Trying to get used to the system. I'm more used to a PC than a Mac.

I'm sure if you just give it a few- What is that?!

What?

That!

That's my tag.

I'm sorry, did you do that?

Yeah. It's my tag.

Right.

Gaynor!

If I could borrow you... to meet the new receptionist.

Hello there!

Oh, my lady, what's that?!

My tag.

Her tag.

Er, what..? What...? What's that say?

Skonk.

Where'd you get that name?

It's not my name, it's my tag.

Gaynor, could you

arrange for maintenance to come and paint that over?

No point. I'll do it again.

I'm not finding this hugely helpful. Are you, Gaynor?

No, not hugely. No. No.

< You do get it?

It's my tag.

I'm just going to pop for a... quick bagel.

Gaynor, can you deal with that? Cos you're in charge of office...!

Gaynor! >

I'm sorry, Skonk, but that is just-! We can't-! That is offensive.

Because the boss is arriving at 12 o'clock, OK?

And my job is on the line if he sees that.

< It's my tag.

I'm going to call maintenance now.

< No point. I'll do it again.

I was hoping you would say something in there

and you just got physical with me.

Hi. I'm looking for a guy, erm,...

I'm looking for quite a sensitive guy,

someone who's going to be sensitive, sensual,...

sexy. Erm...

Someone who'll make me feel sexy, who'll kiss me in a particular way.

Someone who's going to kiss me in a... erm,...

Sorry, would you mind?

Can I borrow you for a minute?

I want to demonstrate. I've got this thing.

It's nice. It really works for me.

Would you mind? That's great. Thanks a lot.

I want to be... Sorry, just sit down. That's fine.

Andy?

I want to be kissed in a particular way.

Maybe this will help you understand. Maybe something like this.

Andy?

Maybe a bit longer, actually.

Mm-mm.

Feel free to...

Andy?

use tongues, if you want to.

Andy, can I-?

No, no, it's fine. He's enjoying it. One more time?

I'm very fertile.

Ariana Italiana. I am looking for a man

who, when we make motorbike,

he does not me make my hands put on, how you say, the pillion, like this.

I don't want to put hands on pillion.

I want to put hands like this.

I want to put my hands like this.

So I looking for a man who let me put my hands like this,

who does not care that bang, bang, bang with crash helmet.

I like bang, bang, bang with crash helmet.

Don't knock me.

Feedback on line. Over.

Three minutes.

Thank you.

Girls...

What?

I didn't say anything.

Phew!

Would you mind? It's just, I am trying to concentrate.

Why don't you take a moment and calm down?

I am calm.

You're stressed. That's obvious.

You're making me stressed.

Right, well, at least you're admitting it.

Wire cutters, please.

Just remember I'm here, in case the pressure gets a bit hot for you.

Please.

(GULPS) Blue.

What?

Need you to cut the blue wire.

The blue is the trigger wire.

Yes, and you cut the trigger wire, remember?

Not necessarily.

Always. Trust me.

I don't think you're right in every situation.

Always.

Maybe I think you're wrong.

Right, well, you're the boss.

If you think the red wire needs cutting, why not cut it?

Maybe I will.

Be my guest. Blow us all to smithereens.

Render-safe procedure successfully completed.

"Copying that."

Jesus, I'm sorry. I thought...

No, don't apologise.

I thought it was the blue, too.

# PIANO INTRO

(HUSKY) I love you!

# I-I love you

# I-I love you

# I-I-I

# Love you

# I... love... you...

# I

# Love

# You-ou-ou

# I love you, I-love-you, I love you, I-love-you

# I love you, I-love-you, I love you

# I love you, I-love-you, I love you, I love you

# I love you, I love you, I love you

# I love you

# I love you, I love you

# I love you

# I

# Love

# You-ou-ou

# I love you-I love you, I love you-I love you

# I love you-I love you, I love you-I love you

# I love you, I love you, I love you I love you, I love you, I love you

# I love you #

(HUMS)

Sss!

Grrrrr!

Just put it in...

Oh, God!

(SIGHS)