01x02 - Friends and Neighbors

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- It was your idea to have tea last night

instead of cocoa, right?

- So?

- So why didn't you empty the teapot before you packed it?

[laughter]

- It is empty.

- Now it's empty.

My brassiere is full of tea leaves.

Look at that.

[laughter]

- I see a letter from a loved one,

and a journey across the water.

[laughter]

- Hey, I pay you to move the furniture,

not your mouth.

[laughter]

- I can't find anything.

If I could find the percolator,

I'd make some coffee.

If I could find the coffee.

- It's in the percolator.

- Thanks a lot.

Why didn't you make a list of where you packed everything?

- I did make a list.

I forgot where I packed it.

[laughter]

Hey, hold it, hold it.

That goes over there,

and bring in the bed next.

That goes in the bedroom.

- In the bedroom?

So much to learn, so little time.

[laughter]

- This new house makes our furniture look so old and shabby.

Oh, look at that chair.

How can we invite people over?

- I don't want to invite people over.

- You know, that's the difference

between you and me, Stanley.

You're an introvert and I'm gregarious.

- What's astrology got to do with it?

[laughter]

- I like people.

I like to mingle.

When did we last mingle, Stanley?

- Oh, don't start that again.

[laughter]

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

- Oh, good, you found it.

[laughter]

- Oh really?

They must have gotten their furniture

from a Salvation Army garage sale.

- Don't be so nosy.

- I'm just taking a friendly interest.

My God, what a lot of junk.

- Jeffrey, you are gonna be nice to Mr. Roper.

You promised. - Well, yes,

but only to his face.

[laughter]

I hope they get all that stuff inside

before James arrives.

- Oh, it's James now, is it?

Last week it was Congressman Nelson.

It's an honor to meet you, sir.

Next week you'll be licking his shoes.

- Natural friendships can spring up quite spontaneously

if you work at it.

[laughter]

- Dad, your standing on Thunky's paw.

- Huh, oh right, your imaginary dog.

Well, I'm sorry, Thunky.

- He's over there.

- Is he, well, oh yeah.

Sorry Thunky.

- He moved again.

[laughter]

- Yeah, Anne, Anne?

I'm not sure this imaginary dog is a healthy thing.

- Oh, nonsense, he's a lovely dog,

aren't you, Thunky?

Coochie, coochie, coochie, coo-choo.

- See, Mommy knows where he is.

[laughter]

- I don't care to discuss this dog any further.

Now can we just change the subject?

- I think we ought to invite the Ropers over

for a cup of coffee.

- Here Thunky.

Here baby, yes, yes, oh, come to Daddy, yes.

Oh, what a cute little face.

[kissing sounds]

- Daddy, you're looking at the wrong end.

[laughter and applause]

- Here you are.

Thank you very much.

- Thank you.

Oh, by the way, I'm afraid we dropped a vase.

- Oh, Stanley, they broke the vase

your mother gave us.

Here's another five dollars.

Thank you so much. [laughter]

- Oh, Mr. Brookes.

[laughing]

Do come in.

I'm afraid there's a terrible mess in here.

- Yes, it's Mr. Roper, isn't it?

- Look at this, we've had this for 20 years.

- That's a long time to keep a broken vase.

[laughter]

Uh, Anne, my wife, suggested I come over

and well, perhaps a cup of coffee?

- Oh. - How do you like that?

We've been here five minutes,

he wants us to make him coffee.

[laughter] - No, Stanley.

We'd love to as soon as we've freshened up a little.

It's very kind of you.

- It's the least I could do.

If I could do less, I would.

[laughter]

Well, everything all right?

Are you turned on?

[laughs] - Oh, Mr. Brookes.

[laughter]

- I mean, gas, electricity.

[laughter]

- Yes.

- Good, good, good.

Look, I'm sure you really don't have time

to stop for coffee.

Just say no, we'll understand.

- Oh no. - Good, some other time.

- Oh no, I mean of course we'll come for coffee.

- We'll see you later.

- If it's dark, just stick your head out the door.

That'll light the way.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[knocking on door]

- [Helen] Stanley, can I come in?

- Just a minute.

[laughter]

Come in.

- Oh, I just want to get my hairspray.

Oh.

Why aren't you taking your bath?

- I'm trying to figure out why we have two johns.

[laughter]

- Oh, Stanley.

- This one doesn't even have a lid on it.

[laughter]

- It's a bidet.

They're very continental.

- Well, if you don't mind, I'll use

the good old American model.

[laughter]

- I'm not gonna wait for you.

I'm gonna over to the Brookes' okay?

- Good, good. - And you come over

as soon as you're ready.

- Right.

[laughter]

- We'll sit Congressman Nelson there, his wife there.

- Good. - And you next to her.

- Fine.

Anne, about your dress.

This is not a coming out party.

[laughter] [doorbell rings]

- I know what I'm doing.

It'll take his mind off the food.

[laughter]

- All right, but don't jump up and down.

[laughter]

- Oh, hi, we didn't think you were going to make it.

- Oh, well, I thought I'd change out of my old clothes.

- No, no, you look fine just as you are.

[laughter]

- Please come in and sit down.

- Thank you.

- Um, is your husband with you?

- No. - Good.

I mean, it's very good of you to come.

- I'll bet you're exhausted with all this moving.

- Oh. - How about a cup of coffee?

- Or better yet, a glass of wine.

It's quicker.

- Thank you. - You must be

up to your ears in it.

- Oh no, this is the first drink I've had today.

[laughs]

[laughter]

- Ah.

[laughter]

No towels.

Helen, where are the towels?

Helen?

Helen?

- A congressman,

actually coming here to dinner.

Oh, you must be so excited.

- No, no, we don't like to make a fuss.

- No, and we told all the neighbors

so they wouldn't make a fuss either.

[laughter]

- You see, we're so used to moving

in those kinds of circles and--

[doorbell rings]

Oh no, they're here.

I'll take their ice buckets, you fill their coats.

- They're early.

- Good even-- [laughter]

- My wife here?

- Oh yes, please, come inside quickly.

- Where are the towels, Helen?

- They're in that little storage room.

They're on to--

Well, they're--

oh, never mind, I'll show you myself.

Sorry about his legs.

[laughter]

Are you wearing shorts?

- Of course not, I don't take a bath in my shorts.

- One gust of wind and we'll be the laughing stock

of the neighborhood.

[laughter]

Give me the keys.

- Keys, I gave them to you before.

- No you didn't. - Yes, I did.

I put them on the table in the--

In the dining room.

[laughter]

- Oh, no.

[applause] Oh, Stanley.

- Are you sure you shouldn't put something frilly

around the top of your um--

No.

[laughter]

All right, but when you walk, glide, don't bounce.

[laughter]

- Is it all right if I breathe occasionally?

- You'll have to be the judge of that.

[doorbell rings]

Now just remember, they're an important couple.

- Thank you.

[laughter]

- Good eve--

[laughter]

- We locked ourselves out.

- Oh no.

[laughter]

- That's the only window that's open.

You should be able to get up there easy, Helen.

[laughter]

- Stanley.

- All right, all right, all right.

[laughter]

- Stanley.

[laughter]

[laughter and applause]

[laughter]

[laughter]

- Ah, I got the towels.

I'm okay, Helen.

I'm okay now.

- Good, now maybe I can finish my wine in peace.

- Your wine?

Oh, right.

[laughter]

- Ah.

Oh, I wondered where I put this.

[laughter]

Now I can torpedo my duck.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[knob rattling]

Oh no.

Helen, Helen!

- [Anne] Did they get in all right?

- One of them did, the other one's back again.

[laughter]

Wine, your wine, which one was your glass?

Oh, yes, yes, the one that's almost empty.

- At least fill it up.

- Oh, I really shouldn't.

But thank you.

[laughter]

Well, where's that adorable little boy of yours?

- Oh, David was sent to bed early tonight.

His father thinks it's best with college exams coming up

in 15 years. [laughter]

[doorbell rings] - Thank you.

- Oh now what?

He probably can't find the soap.

Yes, yes, what is--

[laughter]

[laughs]

James and Margaret.

Look who's here, Anne.

- Oh, it's your congressman, I'd better go.

- No, finish your drink first.

- Oh, thank you.

- Anne, you remember Margaret and James.

- Yes, of course, hello.

[laughter]

- This is uh, this is uh--

- Helen.

I'm next door.

- She will be in a moment.

[laughter]

- Delighted.

[laughter]

- There's another thing I've always wanted to know,

Congressman. - But we mustn't let you

monopolize Mrs. Roper now.

- Oh, oh, I'm sorry. [laughter]

Excuse me.

- Sit down everyone.

Oh, how about a martini?

- I second the motion.

[Jeffrey laughs]

- [Margaret] Uh, no olive.

[laughs]

He's on a diet.

- Speaking of politics, I'm a big fan

of President Carter's.

- Oh, you're the one.

[laughter]

- She's our token neighborhood Democrat.

[doorbell rings]

Oh, that may be you.

No it couldn't be, you're already here.

[laughter]

Well, then it's probably--

[laughter]

Nobody's there.

[doorbell rings]

- You can't leave him outside.

[laughter]

- I had to climb out the damn window.

[laughter]

- Stanley. - I think I sprained my leg.

- Yes, well, come and tell me all about it over here.

You go right ahead.

Excuse us just a moment.

- Do you know him?

- Um, slightly.

[laughter]

- You mean you're still locked out?

- See, I couldn't get out of that room.

- All right, all right, all right.

I'll phone for a locksmith.

You stay here.

You should be in bed.

- Thunky wants a drink.

- Oh, I hate that dog.

- He's over there.

- Well, that dog then.

[laughter]

- What dog are you talking about?

- My dog Thunky.

- I don't see any dog.

- That's because he's invisible.

- Oh, sure.

- And he bites people.

[laughter]

- I think I'll go out there.

- No, no, no, no, don't, no.

Yes, hello, I'd like to speak to Mr. Sanchez, please.

I don't care if you are a recording,

let me speak to Mr. Sanchez.

[laughter]

- Oh, that took a lot out of me.

I think a little brandy might help.

- Brandy?

Yes, of course.

[laughter]

- You see, I tried to get out on that balcony.

I must have a bruise on my knee the size of a cantaloupe.

- Oh, Stanley, please, he's a congressman.

He was um, gonna take a bath.

- On the balcony?

- Well, it's a long story.

- I'll bet it is.

[laughter]

- So, you're a congressman, huh?

- Here. - I'm sure, thank you.

I'm sure you'd like to hear the opinion

of the average man on the street, wouldn't you?

- Well, actually, I--

- Go to bed!

[laughter]

I got the locksmith.

It will take them an hour to get here, but--

- That's all right, I'm in no hurry.

[laughter]

Can I have another?

It's for my leg, you know.

[laughter]

Well, no offense, your honor,

but it just seems to me that being a congressman

is a license to steal.

[laughter]

[laughter]

[belches]

[laughter]

So.

What do you politicians do besides spend our money?

- Now, look here, Roper.

- No, wait a minute, if I was in Congress,

I wouldn't give any money to any country

that couldn't pay for it.

[laughter]

Now...

Now take uh, take India for example.

- Stanley. - All right, all right,

forget it, forget it.

Let's go to red China.

- You go first, we'll follow.

[laughter]

Let me freshen up these drinks.

[laughs nervously] [laughter]

- Let me tell you another thing.

Now, last year I made, I paid in taxes

$2012.33.

What the hell did you do with it?

[laughter and applause]

- I spent it on junkets to Hawaii and loose women.

- James! [laughter and applause]

[singing drunkenly]

[laughter]

[belches]

- [Locksmith] Hold it, I think--

Yeah, yeah, this is the one.

- Oh. - There you are, lady.

I'll bill you for it, okay?

- Thank you.

- You're 46, right?

- What's that got to do with it?

[laughter]

- 46 Peacock Drive.

- Oh, oh, yes, yes.

Thank you.

- Thank you.

- Okay, now go get your bath.

- The water's probably running cold now.

- Well, that's how you can just--

Running cold?

[laughter]

[screams]

[laughter and applause]

Oh, Stanley.

[applause]

[upbeat music]