02x06 - Puppy Love

[bunniefuu]

[quirky theme music]

- I'm gonna give my little ol' Muffin here her kibble.

Yes, I am!

- What about me?

- You can have what's left.

[audience laughs]

- What about my lunch?

I always have to wait for everything.

I can't read the newspaper till after you

spread it over the kitchen floor.

Yesterday I had to look at the funnies

on my hands and knees.

- Well, you want her to be housebroken,

don't you?

- She's already housebroken.

She does it all over the house.

[audience laughs]

- Oh, now look what you did,

you reminded her.

- What?

- She's got that look in her eye again.

- Oh my God!

[audience laughs]

Hold it, hold it!

Hold it!

Hold it!

Hold it.

I told you to hold it!

[audience laughs]

- Hey, a good afternoon Anne, David.

- Hi dad.

- Lunch is ready.

- Good.

I'm so hungry. I could eat a moose,

a chocolate mousse.

[chuckling]

- Wow. You're in a good mood today,

aren't ya? - Well,

I should be,

I just saw the new azalea bushes

the gardener planted.

- Oh, I'm glad you like them.

- Like them?

Boy, I love them!

With a little love and care,

they'll grow up and block the view of Roper's car.

[audience laughs]

- What's this?

- Artichokes.

- I don't think I like them.

- Oh, now come on son.

Have a little heart.

[snickers]

[audience laughs]

You see David,

inside of every little artichoke,

there's a little heart.

And that's why they call them "heartichokes".

[audience laughter]

The child has absolutely no sense of humor.

- He's upset.

- Hmm?

- Thunky's not feeling well.

- You're still playing with that imaginary dog?

- Thunky's not imaginary,

he's invisible.

- Well, why don't you give your invisible dog

an invisible pill?

[audience laughs]

- Jeffrey.

I'm sorry, little fella.

Okay.

What's the matter with Thunky?

- He's lonely,

he needs a playmate.

- Well, he's got you.

- No, I mean a dog playmate.

A real puppy.

- No, you,

you don't want a dog, David.

- Why not, the Ropers have one.

- That's one reason right there.

- Jeffrey, what's wrong with a little puppy?

Didn't you have any pets when you were a boy?

- No, they weren't allowed at my school.

But I once did have a little turtle

I kept in a cigar box.

I used to race him.

- Did you win?

[exaggerated laugh]

[audience laughs]

- I used to race him against other turtles.

- I could race my puppy if I had one.

- No puppy.

Besides, you already have a pet.

- He died.

- What?

- A year ago.

- Oh that,

that's terrible.

- Well, it had to happen sooner or later.

Salamanders have a very short lifespan.

- Oh, come here, son.

So your,

your pet salamander died, huh?

That must've been tough,

dealing with the death of your pet friend.

- It was.

- How did you handle it?

- I flushed him down the toilet.

[audience laughs]

- These crackers are terrible.

- That's cause they're dog biscuits.

[audience laughs]

- Why do you leave 'em around where people can eat 'em?

- Because most people can tell the difference

between regular food and dog food.

[audience laughs]

- Not if they eat around here.

[audience laughs]

- Stanley.

Where's Muffin?

- She's out in the back.

- What's she doing out there?

- The same thing she's been doin' to our carpet in here.

- I mean why aren't you out there watching?

- You want me to watch?

[audience laughs]

- I mean, she could get lost!

- Oh, if you're thinking

what I think you're thinking.

- I'm not thinking anything.

- Normally, that's true.

I tell you Stanley,

[doorbell rings] if anything has happened

to that dog.

- You get the door,

I'll get the dog.

- Oh, well hurry up.

Oh dear.

Oh, hello Mr. Brooks.

- Don't try to humor me.

I'm very upset.

- About what?

- About your dog.

I caught her digging up my bushes.

- Muffin's loose?

- Not anymore.

I tied her to the wrought iron fence

and she's probably making that rusty.

[audience laughs]

- Ah, Muffin's all right.

She was in the Brooks' yard playing with David.

- Oh, Stanley,

Mr.Brooks has been complaining to me.

- About what?

- She's dug up my azaleas, that's what?

- I don't believe that.

She wouldn't do that,

Helen loves azaleas.

[audience laughing]

You're a damn nuisance,

you know that?

Now lie down and don't cause any more trouble.

You hear me?

[audience laughs]

- Aww.

Is that yours?

- It depends, what did he do?

- Nothing.

She's so adorable.

- Oh.

It's my little poopsie woopsie.

[audience laughs]

- Aww.

Oh,

I just love her.

[exaggerated kissing]

- Yeah, me too.

Aww.

[exaggerated kissing]

[audience laughs]

- Anne.

Where's David?

- In his room.

I think he's writing a letter to Santa Claus,

asking for a dog.

- Oh, it's perfect.

Christmas will be coming a little early this year.

Ask him to come down,

will you, please?

- Why, what's in the box?

- What do you think?

- I'm not one of your insensitive fathers, you know?

- Jeffrey, how wonderful!

[laughs excitedly]

David, come down here.

Your father has something for you.

- Oh, I can't wait to see the little fellas face.

- Jeffrey, you really are an old softie at heart.

- I know.

[audience laughs]

Hold on,

come here, David.

And sit down and close your eyes.

And you too, Anne.

Because this a big surprise.

Okay,

close 'em!

[audience laughs]

Okay, open your eyes.

Now!

[audience laughs]

- What is that?

- That's Mr. Woof.

[audience laughs]

- Mr. Woof?

- Uh huh.

When I saw him in the window of the toy store,

I couldn't resist him.

I, I walked right in and I said,

♪ How much is that doggy in the window? ♪

[audience laughs]

Well.

What do you,

what do you think David?

- It's not real.

- Oh, that's because I haven't put in the battery yet.

You see?

It doesn't cry and it doesn't dig up shrubs.

And when you're finished with it,

why, you just put it right back up on the shelf.

Here!

[toy buzzes]

[audience laughs]

What do ya think David?

- It's not real.

- Of course it is.

It's a real mechanical dog.

- It doesn't lick your face or wag its tail like a real dog.

- Oh, but it does wag its tail.

You see, you push this button and

Wag!

[toy buzzing]

Oh, and you push this button

and it woofs.

[toy yips]

[audience laughs]

Wag.

And woof.

[toy yips]

Wag.

And woof.

[toy yips]

[laughs]

Well, what do you say, David?

- Thank you.

I think I'll go over to the Ropers'.

- Ah.

Doesn't, uh.

Doesn't seem too enthusiastic.

- Maybe you didn't push the right button.

- Oh yes I did.

You see?

Wag.

[toy buzzes]

And woof!

[toy yips]

Wag.

Woof!

[toy yips]

Wag.

[toy yips]

[audience laughing]

[imitating duck]

[audience laughs]

- Isn't this fun?

- What about your dog?

- Oh, she doesn't swim yet.

- I thought you were supposed to take her for a walk.

- What, and leave a lovely girl

like you all alone with a dangerous duck?

[audience laughs]

- Hi, Mr. Roper.

- Hello, David.

- Uh, you come here often?

- Oh yes.

They say it's very cosmetic.

- I come here for my skin.

How about you?

- I come here for your skin too.

[audience laughs]

What do you want, David?

- Mrs. Roper asked me to come

and tell you to come to lunch.

- Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.

- But Mr. Roper,

she's waiting for you.

- I'm coming. I'm coming.

You can play with my duck if you want.

[audience laughs]

- Um, didn't you forget something?

- What?

- Um, your dog.

- Oh yeah, I did tie her up here.

You saw me.

- Mr. Roper?

- Wait just a second.

Here Muffin!

Muffin!

- But Mr. Roper.

- Kid, just a second please,

I gotta find Muffin.

Muffin, Muffin!

- I saw a dog just like her running that way.

- You what? - I saw a dog just like her--

- I heard you, I heard you. Oh my God,

- Should I go and run and tell Mrs. Roper?

- No no don't, don't tell her.

- Why not?

- Because I'm too young to die.

[audience laughs]

Here Muffin, Muffin!

[audience applause]

Muffin Muffin, where are you?

Please, Muffin!

[audience clapping]

[water running]

- Psst, Brooks!

- Hello?

- It's me, I'm over here.

- Roper, what are you doing on my lawn?

- You're getting my feet wet.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- Turn it off!

It's cold, cold!

Turn it off!

Turn it off.

- I'm sorry.

[audience laughs]

Roper,

what do you want?

- I wanna borrow your car.

- Oh, you want to borrow my car?

Well, let me think about that.

[laughs]

- C'mon Brooks, I'm serious.

- So am I.

Why don't you borrow your own car?

- Because my keys are inside.

I don't want Helen to see me.

- I wish you'd give the rest of us the same consideration.

- Thanks a lot.

- And I want you to do something about your dog.

- I'm trying to, that's why I wanna borrow your car.

- I don't mean teach it to drive.

[audience laughs]

- Funny, very funny.

- [Helen] Stanley, is that you?

- Yeah, it's me,

it's me dear.

It's just me and Muffin.

- [Helen] Your lunch is ruined!

Where have you been all this time?

- I was just takin' Muffin for a little walk.

That's all, dear.

And Muffin was enjoying it too.

Weren't you, Muffin?

[barks deeply]

[barks lightly]

She says she enjoyed it, dear.

- Where are you going?

- Uh, Muffin just had to go out again.

Don't wee wee on the flowers.

[audience laughs]

[audience applause]

- I wanna see my little baby.

[giggles]

- Here I am, poopsie woopsie.

[audience laughs]

- Oh Stanley!

Oh Stanley,

you're all hot and perspiring.

- Yeah.

- Oh, what's come over you?

- I don't know.

It must be those long walks.

They make me hungry for,

for love.

- Oh Stanley!

And all these years you never walked.

[audience laughs]

Come on.

[giggles]

- Wait, wait. I got, I got a great idea.

- What?

- Why don't you get a tall chilled bottle of wine

for us to take upstairs with us?

- That sounds romantic.

[giggles]

I'll get one out of the fridge right now.

[audience laughs]

Here we are!

Stanley?

Sta--

Oh, my!

We are impatient today,

aren't we?

[giggles]

I'm coming Stanley!

[audience laughs]

- Yes, sir?

Mhmm?

- Excuse me?

- I'm on the phone.

[audience laughs]

You want a what?

Sir, this is a pet shop.

Not a zoo.

[audience laughs]

- Hi.

Remember me?

- Mark Spitz?

[audience laughs]

- Stanley Roper.

I bought a dog here.

- How can I forget?

Not too many people try to buy a puppy

on the installment plan.

- Yeah, well I need another one.

- You use them up fast,

don't you?

- I need one about,

- Ah, he's just what I want.

- Wait a minute.

That's it.

That's the dog I want.

- That's my dog!

- Wait a minute, wait

You don't understand,

I need this dog! - I saw him first,

now just give him back!

- Customers, customers please!

If you break him,

you're gonna have to pay for him.

[audience laughs]

Now, I am afraid that this lady

picked him out first.

- Thank you.

- But you don't understand.

It's a matter of life and death.

- Life and death?

- Yeah.

You see, my wife is very sick.

[audience laughs]

And she needs this dog.

- Yes, but I saw--

- Yeah, but see, she had a dog just like this before,

before she,

- But wouldn't another puppy do just as well?

- Wouldn't you want her last weeks to be happy ones?

- Last weeks?

Oh, of course I do.

- Well.

- Oh, here.

- Thank you very much.

How much do you want for this dog?

- Are you buying or leasing?

[audience laughs]

- Helen?

Helen, it's me and Muffin.

Helen?

Stay.

[audience laughs]

Helen?

Where are you?

[door thuds]

[audience laughs]

- Nevermind where I am.

Where were you?

- It was an emergency.

Muffin had to go.

- For an hour and a half?

- Yeah, well it took time for us to find some grass

that felt like our carpet.

- Don't you want to see her? She's in there.

Look how good she looks.

What do you think?

- I think I'm looking at an empty box.

- What?

She was in here - Muffin. a second ago.

Muffin.

Muffin, here Muffin!

- Muffin.

- Muffin?

- Oh, I got it.

I got it.

Here Muffin!

[dog yips]

[exclaims]

She bit me!

- Good dog!

Aw, she's such a smart little puppy.

Isn't she? - Yeah, she was always smart.

[chuckles]

- Wait a minute.

- What?

- She looks different.

- Different?

Well, now she's older, that's all.

I mean she's older and-- - No no.

No no, she doesn't look older Stanley.

She looks bigger.

- Bigger?

Well, well, uh

dogs swell up in the rain, you see?

There fur

holds a lot of mois-- - it didn't

rain today, Stanley.

- That's true, that's true.

But it will.

A swollen dog is a sure sign of rain.

- I didn't know that.

- Yeah, yeah.

I heard that on Wild Kingdom.

- Then it must be true.

There's just one other thing.

- What's that?

- When you took Muffin out,

she was a girl.

Now she's a boy.

[audience laughs]

- Leave it to you to notice something like that.

[audience laughs]

- Stanley,

this isn't Muffin!

- It is so Muffin!

Didn't you see how she came when I called her?

- What happened to Muffin?!

Now, I want the truth!

- Okay, you deserve the truth.

I'm gonna give you the truth.

- I'm waiting.

- Well, see what happened was

I was walking down the street with Muffin see,

and this big van pulls up next to me.

And two big th*gs get out and grab Muffin.

- Oh Stanley.

- Yeah, it's true.

You know how fast those dognappers are?

- You lost her!

- Yeah, but I got you another one.

- It's not the same.

- Why, they look alike.

Don't they?

- Oh, Stanley,

you don't love me or Muffin.

- That's not true.

I love Muffin very much.

[audience laughs]

- How could you care so little about something

that meant so much to me?

- I did care, Helen.

I did care.

What I did was I looked everywhere for Muffin.

Everywhere,

and I couldn't find her.

So I did the next best thing.

I got you another dog.

I thought that would be what you'd want.

Come on, Helen.

Don't be angry with me.

- Oh, Stanley.

[doorbell rings]

I just,

I just wish you'd told me the truth about losing Muffin,

that's all.

- Hi Mrs. Roper,

I found Muffin!

[audience laughs]

- Muffin!

[laughs happily]

Oh Muffin, you little darling!

Oh David!

Oh David, thank you!

- David found her digging in our backyard.

- What a smart dog,

escaping from the crook like that.

- Was that lady in the hot tub a crook?

[audience laughs]

- Lady in the hot tub?

- Very good, very good David.

The way you found Muffin.

Very good.

- What lady, Stanley? - There's no time for that.

David, I'm going to give you a reward.

- You mean some money for my piggy bank?

- Money?

[audience laughs]

How would you like

a nice little dog of your own?

- I can't, my daddy says

I have to have a toy dog.

- Oh, well I think it's time

you had a real dog.

- Oh boy, can I?

- Sure.

- But, what happens if daddy says no?

- Well, I'll ask him how he'd like to have a toy wife.

[audience laughs]

- Just don't ask Stanley that question.

[audience laughs]

- Jeffrey. There's something I want to tell you.

- Ah, good.

But first I have something

I have to say to David.

Little fella,

I've come to a big decision.

Children need responsibility

and you should have a dog.

Ta-da!

[aweing]

[audience laughs]

- Oh boy, can I keep him?

- Why, why sure you can son.

- Wow, now I've got two dogs!

- That's right, you've got--

[Anne laughs]

- Anne!

- Jeffrey, you're so sweet.

- Please, please.

Not in front of them.

- Oh, Stanley.

Look at that face.

Just look in those eyes.

[laughs]

- Those--

Uh oh.

[audience laughs]

[Stanley yells]

[audience applause]

[quirky theme music]