02x05 - Two for the Road

[bunniefuu]

[upbeat music]

- Call him up and tell him we're not coming.

- Oh, why not?

- Because I got all dressed up,

I made dinner reservations,

I asked Helen Roper to come over here and babysit

and you couldn't even bother to pick up a telephone.

- Are we having an argument?

[audience laughing]

- I don't know about you, but I am.

[audience laughing]

- All right, there's only one way for me to put this to you.

I am your husband, you are my wife,

your place is by my side.

[audience laughing]

Let me put it another way.

[audience laughing]

Anne.

- Jeffrey, stuff it.

[audience laughing]

- All right, I will.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley, Stanley.

What are you doing?

- I'm listening for termites.

[audience laughing]

- Well, we don't have any termites.

- I know that now.

[audience laughing]

But if we do, they're all asleep.

[audience laughing]

[laughing]

- When are you buying me our new furniture?

- What new furniture?

- The new furniture you've been promising me for months.

A new c*ck table, a new couch, a new chair.

- Are you crazy?

You know what that stuff will cost?

- About $200.

- That's not so bad.

- Down.

[audience laughing]

We could pay off the rest in monthly installments.

- Now that I think about it,

there's a lot to be said for the furniture we've got.

- Yeah, it's old.

[audience laughing]

- Some things get better with age.

- Some things don't.

[audience laughing]

You're just being cheap.

- Listen, the next time there's a sale, we'll go looking.

- Oh, hey Stanley, look, there's this big sale today.

- Like I said, next time there's a sale, we'll go looking.

[audience laughing]

- Stanley.

- I'm tired of talking.

Now you going to get me my dinner?

- Are you going to get me my new furniture?

- No.

- Okay, then I'll tell the Brooks'

that you were listening to them through the wall.

[audience laughing]

- You would do something like that.

[yelling in pain]

[audience laughing]

[laughing]

- Stanley.

- Another scotch?

- Double.

Make that a triple.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

- Wife troubles?

- Don't ask.

You ask them to do you a little favor.

- Like not spending all your money.

- They just become completely unreasonable.

- Over nothing.

I mean, our furniture's in great shape.

- What is wrong with wanting to show off my wife?

She is a beautiful woman.

- Little lumpy in places.

[audience laughing]

- Great legs.

- Of course, the seat is worn out.

[audience laughing]

- What?

- Why get rid of something that's already broken in?

[audience laughing]

- Roper, you are talking about my wife.

- Why would I talk about your wife?

- I don't know.

- I got enough trouble with my own wife.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, it'll be okay, Helen.

- Yeah, but Anne, we had a terrible fight.

- So did Jeffrey and I, but it'll be better later.

- It will?

- Yes.

A long time ago, Jeffrey and I made a promise to each other,

never to go to bed mad.

So, no matter how bad the fight is,

making up is always great.

- Oh, if I thought that would work for me,

I'd fight with Stanley every night.

[audience laughing]

- To tell you the truth though,

I am starting to worry a little about Jeffrey.

I just know he's sitting alone somewhere brooding.

- Oh.

- That's the way it is when Jeffrey's hurt,

he keeps it all bottled up inside.

[audience laughing]

- You know what [mumbles] is, Roper?

We are too easy on them.

[audience laughing]

- You know, Helen gets away with m*rder.

- Really?

Who did she k*ll?

[audience laughing]

- I'm speaking metaphorically.

[audience laughing]

- Humphrey Bogart would've known

how to handle Helen tonight.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

You can forget for furniture, kid.

[laughing]

- And Cagney, Jimmy Cagney, you know what he would've done?

- No.

- He would've squash a grapefruit in Anne's face.

[laughing]

You dirty rat.

[audience laughing]

I'm going to give it to you.

[laughing]

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

- Oh, and king kong.

Who understood women the best.

If they stepped out of line, why, he'd just, he'd...

[audience laughing]

You know, Stanley, something, I think I've misjudged you.

Oh, sure, you are undesirable,

uncouth and a general nuisance to have around.

- Oh, thank you.

[audience laughing]

- And that's not the whiskey talking.

- You know, I wish Helen understood me like you do, Jeffrey.

- Call me Jeffrey.

[audience laughing]

How much money do you need

for the down payment on that furniture?

- No, I couldn't, no.

- Yes, yes, yes.

- No.

[audience laughing]

- Here's a gift.

Here's a gift from one friend to another.

How much do you need?

You need a 50, 100?

- 200.

[audience laughing]

Listen, you know what I like best about you?

- What?

- Your car.

- I can't give you my car, Stanley.

A man's car is his castle.

- I thought a man's home is his castle.

- And a man's car is his castle away from home.

[audience laughing]

Oh no.

- What's the matter?

- I just remembered.

Your castle away from home is a slum.

[audience laughing]

Here, my castle is your castle.

- Oh no, no, I couldn't do that.

- Take it for a spin anytime you want.

- How about tomorrow?

[audience laughing]

- Closing time, fellas, it's two o'clock.

- Anne is going to k*ll me.

- Not if you make her happy.

- What?

- There's only one way to make a woman happy.

Ask somebody who knows.

[audience laughing]

[singing]

- Good night, Stanley.

[audience laughing]

Go in there and make Helen the happiest woman alive.

[audience laughing]

- You make Anne the second happiest.

[audience laughing]

[audience laughing]

[screaming]

[audience clapping]

[knocking]

- Roper.

- Don't worry, Jeffrey, your wife's still unhappy.

[audience laughing]

[audience clapping]

Helen, about last night.

- Oh, Stanley, you were wonderful.

[audience laughing]

- I was?

- I don't know how to thank you.

- Oh, you don't have to.

- Supposing I make you a special breakfast.

Some extra wheaties.

[audience laughing]

- Was I really that good?

[audience laughing]

Well, that shouldn't come as such a big surprise.

- It did to me.

[audience laughing]

- Well I mean, after our big fight,

I just wanted to make you happy.

- Oh and you did.

Oh, Stanley, that was such a nice way to do it.

On the dresser.

[audience laughing]

- On the dresser?

- Now I can buy our new furniture.

- What?

- With the $200 you left me on the dresser.

[audience laughing]

- Oh boy.

[audience laughing]

- Good morning.

[audience laughing]

Good morning.

[audience laughing]

Good morning, Anne.

- You're hungover.

- Hungover, why, what gives you that idea, darling?

[audience laughing]

- That gives me that idea.

- Ow, ow, ow.

Please, you've got to stop it.

[audience laughing]

- I didn't know tennis was good for a hangover.

- Don't remind me.

I have to meet Bill McKenzie at the club in 20 minutes.

- How about some oatmeal?

[audience laughing]

- No, no, no.

I'll just lie down here for one minute

until this pounding goes away.

That's better.

[knocking on door]

[audience laughing]

- Hi.

- Hi.

- How's my little buddy?

- Roper, what do you want?

- Do I need a reason to say hello to my old friend?

- Yes.

We were just about to sit down to breakfast.

- Oh, what are we going to have?

- Bacon and eggs and waffles.

- Waffles are my favorite.

[audience laughing]

You got any mayonnaise?

I like mayonnaise on my waffles.

[audience laughing]

- I'll go see.

- Roper, don't you have anything better to do?

- I was going to try out our castle.

- Castle?

- Yeah, yeah, you know, your castle is my castle.

- I have no idea what you're talking about,

but try it out now.

- Are you leaving, Mr. Roper?

- Yes.

- Love that man.

[audience laughing]

- I've got to go back to bed.

- Do you want me to cancel your tennis match?

- My tennis match, I'm going to be late.

My racket, where's my racket?

Oh, thank you, thank you.

My keys, I don't have my car keys.

- Here.

Take my set.

- Thank you.

Ow, oh, oh, ow.

Anne, Anne.

- Now what can't you find?

- My car.

[audience laughing]

- What are you talking about?

Oh no.

- Someone's stolen my car.

- Jeffrey, you better call the police.

- For who?

Why?

[audience laughing]

- Jeffrey, the police.

- Right.

Ow, oh, I'm late.

I'm late, I'm late.

- I'm going to go next door to Roper's

and see if they saw anything.

- Operator, give me the police.

Of course this is an emergency, ow.

[audience laughing]

My name is Jeffrey P. Brooks the third

and someone has stolen my Cadillac Seville.

[audience laughing]

- Mr. Brooks, oh, Anne just told me about your car.

If you want, you can borrow ours to go to your tennis game.

[laughing]

[audience laughing]

- Your car?

Your car?

No, I don't think that'll be necessary.

Anne, when they come back on the line,

give them all the information.

I am taking your car to the club.

- Jeffrey, you can't do that.

Don't you remember, it's in the shop.

- How am I going to get to my game?

[audience laughing]

Oh no.

[audience laughing]

- Okay, take her away.

[audience laughing]

- Do I look like a car thief?

- I hope you don't ask a jury that question.

[audience laughing]

Come on, we've got to get you booked.

- Wait, I'm allowed one phone call, right?

- Sure.

Phone's right over there.

- You are making a big mistake.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.

- I demand to speak to someone.

- Yeah, speak to him.

- How dare this man put cuffs on me.

Believe me, heads will roll for this.

- What's the charge?

- I stopped him for driving erratically.

- There's no other way to drive that car.

[audience laughing]

- And we ran a check on it

and found $150 in unpaid parking tickets.

- Uh-huh, uh-huh, another mistake.

Those tickets are not mine.

- And he doesn't have any I.D.

- I know this is starting to look bad.

[audience laughing]

- Will you stop laughing, Helen?

I'm in jail.

They think I stole Brookes' car.

What do you mean did I do it?

[audience laughing]

Look, just find Brookes and get him down here.

Brookes.

Good work, Helen.

[audience laughing]

- Roper, what are you doing here?

- You won't believe this.

Some idiot called and said I stole your car.

- You took my car?

[audience laughing]

- Your castle is my castle.

[audience laughing]

Let go.

[audience laughing]

- I'll be right back.

- Okay, sarg.

- You gave me the keys.

- Roper, you are crazy.

- And you gave me $200.

- You should be locked up.

[audience laughing]

- I am locked up.

- Well, I'm not going to be.

Officer.

- Is this any way to treat a friend?

- Officer, this is the man

with the outstanding parking tickets.

This is Stanley Roper.

Tell him, Roper.

[audience laughing]

- Listen, if you don't stop making a racket,

I'm going to throw you in the drunk tank, okay?

[audience laughing]

[stamping on concrete]

[audience laughing]

- Oh really?

[audience laughing]

Don't you ever clean this place?

[audience laughing]

Officer, I have got to get out of here.

- I think he's going stir crazy.

- Now look, I already warned you.

- I don't care, I have got to get out.

- Oh yeah, well, what makes you so special?

- I have to go to the bathroom.

[audience laughing]

Thank you.

- Don't be too long, Brookes.

- I have nothing, nothing to say to you.

[audience laughing]

Excuse me, officer.

Let me help you.

[audience laughing]

[laughing]

This is a mistake, a big mistake.

[audience laughing]

I still have to go.

[audience laughing]

- Well, you better get used to waiting, mister

because you're going to be doing a lot of it.

- Oh no.

No, no, no.

- Boy, I sure could go for a tall glass of ice cold water.

[audience laughing]

Does it feel like raining to you?

[audience laughing]

- I'm sorry, Mrs. Roper,

there's still the matter of those parking tickets.

- Oh, how much is the fine, officer?

- $150.

- $150?

- [Officer] Yes ma'am.

- Use the money I gave you for the furniture.

We don't need that anyway.

- Excuse me, can you let me out?

I'm already late.

- Jeffrey, you missed the tennis match.

- I know, but there's a buffet at the club tonight.

If we hurry--

- If we hurry?

- Which is more important, the furniture or me?

[audience laughing]

Come on.

- Officer, I'll be back in a couple of days to pay the fine.

[laughing]

[audience clapping]

- Just a second, Helen, I'll go with you.

- Anne, where are you going, darling?

Anne.

- Helen.

- Don't leave me like this.

Anne.

- Helen come back here.

- Anne.

Anne.

- Helen, the joke's over, Helen.

- Don't touch me.

[audience laughing]

Officer, I demand another cell.

[audience clapping]

[upbeat music]

[upbeat music]