02x15 - Of Mice and Horses

[bunniefuu]

[whimsical music]

- Hey, he's, um,

he's uh?

- Nude? - Yeah.

[audience laughing]

- All the girls in the class

are crazy about him.

- Oh, isn't it funny how young girls

are so easily impressed with a man's build?

- Yeah.

[audience laughing]

- Just refreshing my memory.

- You sure I can't do the shopping for you?

- Oh, well, why not, you'll certainly do

it better than Stanley.

- Oh, great.

- You know Jenny, if you weren't living with us,

you know what we'd be having for dinner tonight?

Stanley's favorite, liver and hotcakes.

[audience laughing]

I want you to get us three nice steaks, okay?

- Mrs. Roper, I hope you're not going

to any trouble just for me.

I'm really not that fussy.

- You mean you wouldn't mind having liver and hotcakes?

- Porterhouse okay?

[audience laughing]

- Oh, Stanley, there you are.

You know what Jenny's been doing?

- Looking for somewhere else to live?

- She's been drawing my picture, show him Jenny.

What do you think?

- Very nice.

That's very nice.

You left out a few wrinkles.

[audience laughing]

- It's, uh, too bad about your liver.

[audience laughing]

- Why'd you give her money?

- For groceries.

- Are you crazy?

A girl like that?

I mean what's to prevent her

from keeping the money and running off?

- Where to, the Riviera?

- Okay, Helen.

But don't say I didn't warn you.

- How could I forget?

You've been warning me every two minutes

ever since we invited her to move in here.

- We didn't invite her to move in here.

She broke in here, remember?

- At first and then we invited her to stay.

- You invited her to stay.

And now she's running off with your money.

- Oh, Stanley.

Oh, hey, is your car running?

- Why, you want me to go after her?

[audience laughing]

- No, I want you to drive me to my sister Ethel's.

- The car's not running.

- Stanley.

- I hate to go to your sister's.

- Why?

- One, she's a stuck-up snob.

Two, she makes me park a block away.

[audience laughing]

- But, but my mother's staying with you.

[audience laughing]

Look, Mama's only gonna be there for a week

and I wanna see her.

- I want you to see her,

but my battery, my plugs

and my fuel pump all aren't working.

- Well, I'll just have to ask Mama

to come and stay with us.

- I didn't say I couldn't get the car started.

[audience laughing]

- Here we are, Mother.

- Oh, that's nice Helen.

- I'm Ethel.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, yes.

[audience laughing]

Isn't, uh, Stanley having tea?

- He may be, but I'm married to Hubert.

- Yes.

[audience laughing]

Oh, this is a nice magazine.

- Yes, isn't it?

We like to keep up with the newest thing in antiques.

- Well, I don't know why,

Stanley's too cheap to buy anything.

Ooh, did you see this?

A china horse went for $20,000.

- It's Ming, they're collector's items.

- Yes, I know, your father had one.

- Oh, really?

Now I want you to try one of...

What?

- He brought it back from the Orient years ago.

- Father did?

- Yes.

He told me he won it playing fantan on a sampan in Tuscan.

[audience laughing]

- Are you sure it was the same as this?

- Or was it playing sampan on a fantan?

- Who cares?

Now, was it the same as this horse?

- Oh, yes.

Don't you remember?

He used to sit on top of the radio.

We had some lovely plaster ducks, too.

- Never mind the plaster ducks.

What happened to the horsie, Mama?

- Well, let me think.

After your father died,

we gave it to, no,

I think Ethel has it.

- I'm Ethel.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, well, then it must be Helen.

Yes, Helen.

Oh, my goodness, $20,000.

Shouldn't someone tell her?

- No.

Yes.

I'll get on it right away.

[audience laughing]

- Helen?

Helen, where are you Helen?

- [Helen] I'm in the bedroom.

Come on up.

[audience laughing]

- It's no use, I can't get it started.

[audience laughing]

- For heaven's sake, I just wanted you

to help me make the bed.

- I'm talking about the car.

It won't budge.

- Oh.

[phone ringing]

Well, why don't you get Jenny to fix it?

She got it started the last time.

[phone ringing]

- That was an accident.

- Your car is an accident.

[audience laughing]

Hello?

- Hello, Ethel, this is Helen.

[audience laughing]

I mean, hello, Helen, this is Ethel.

I just wanted to let you now how much mother

is enjoying her visit.

- Oh, well, she can tell me herself.

I'm coming over to see her.

- Oh, uh, well, she'd love to see you

when she's feeling better.

- What's the matter with her?

- She's in bed with the flu.

[audience laughing]

And I just thought while she was resting,

maybe I'd drop by and see you.

- What for?

- No special reason.

Just to have a nice little chat.

I'll see you shortly darling.

- Darling?

- Yeah?

[audience laughing]

[door slamming]

- That Roper's car is a disgrace.

- What's it doing now?

- What's it always doing,

lowering our property values.

[audience laughing]

Sitting out front with its hood up.

I could swear it belched at me.

[audience laughing]

- Well, now that I've caught you in a good mood.

- What?

Oh, I'm sorry Anne.

Now what's on your mind, honey?

- Well, since David's spending the night

at Tommy's house.

- Mm-hmm?

- I thought this would be a good time to-

- Oh, so do I.

I'll just slip out of these old clothes

and mix us a couple of drinks.

- Well, let me finish Jeffrey.

I wanna tell you about my surprise.

- You little devil, you.

What is it?

- Oh, white mice.

- White mice.

[audience laughing]

Is that a new game?

- No, no, a real mouse.

You see, David's been pestering me

for weeks to get him one.

- Oh, Anne, you can't be serious.

I know you.

The little rodent running around loose,

you'd be a nervous wreck [laughing].

- Jeffrey, it's something David wants

and we promised him if he worked hard at school,

we'd get him something nice.

- A pocket calculator is nice.

- But you can't feed it or take care of it

or watch it grow.

- Watch it grow?

- His friend Tommy has white mice.

- His friend Tommy doesn't live at Royal Dale Townhouses.

Anne, can you imagine what would happen

if some hysterical woman neighbor saw a mouse?

- But Jeffrey-

- Anne, I'm sorry, a mouse for David is

out of the question.

- Two late.

[Jeffrey screaming]

[doorbell ringing]

- Coming!

Ethel.

- Helen.

[audience laughing]

- Come on in, sit down.

Can I get you something?

Coffee?

Tea?

A saucer of milk?

- What?

Oh, no, thank you.

I just dropped by to talk to you about Daddy.

- Daddy?

- Our daddy.

Now I know that you think

I'm overly sentimental about him.

- You called him a drunken fool.

- I was joking with him.

- It was at his funeral.

[audience laughing]

- I was trying to hide my grief.

Anyway, I just suddenly realized

I do not have one single thing to remember him by.

- Well, what sort of thing?

- Oh, you know, a souvenir,

a lock of hair, a faded photograph, a china horse.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, I may be able to help you there.

- Well, really Helen, I wasn't hinting or anything.

- Here we are.

A nice photograph.

- No.

[audience laughing]

I mean I couldn't possibly take this.

Oh, no, it's far too precious.

Don't you have anything else?

- Well-

- Remember that battered old thing

that used to sit on top of the radio?

- Our cat?

[audience laughing]

- No, a china thing.

A horse, I believe.

I think it passed into your clutches, uh, hands.

[audience laughing]

- Oh, yeah, it's in with our junk.

- I don't see it.

[audience laughing]

Where?

- I mean in the storage room

or maybe in the garage.

I could get Stanley to dig it out for you.

- When?

- Tomorrow.

- Tomorrow?

- Unless there's some special reason

you wanna have it right away.

- Oh, no, no, no, tomorrow will be fine, just fine.

- Did you find the horse?

- Found something better.

- Oh, no.

[audience laughing]

- I thought you threw it out in the trash.

- They refused to take it.

- I hope it's not ruined.

[trumpet blaring]

Sounds as good as ever.

- Did somebody step on the dog?

- No, that was my husband, the boogie woogie bugle boy

from Forest Lawn.

- What would you like to hear?

- Never mind that.

Did you find the horse for Ethel?

- Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Oh, good, good.

- Oh, that's nice.

- Piece of junk.

- Looks like a Ming.

- No, it's a horse.

- No, I mean it's from the Ming Dynasty.

We're studying about them at art school.

- Hey, I bet that's what that is.

You know Daddy used to bring home lots of things.

- Yeah, but they all came in bottles.

- Now, I'm not saying that this is real Ming.

- If it was, would it be worth anything?

- If it's Ming, a lot of money.

- [Helen] Really?

- Enough to keep you in chop suey for life.

- Stanley, it's real Ming.

It's worth a lot of money.

- Why, just because of what Jenny said?

You need more proof than that.

- I got more proof than that.

Ethel wants it.

[trumpet blaring]

[audience applauding]

- Well, my wife was wondering, you know,

if it was worth something.

What's that?

How much?

[audience laughing]

[coughing]

$20,000?

I'm surprised?

No, I'm not surprised.

I told my wife it was worth a lot.

Thanks.

Helen.

You're the luckiest woman in the world,

you know to have a guy like me around.

[audience laughing]

- You can't be serious.

[audience laughing]

- No, I just talked to the museum.

You know what that horse is worth?

$20,000.

- $20,000? - That's right.

- I might have known there was big money involved.

There were beads of sweat on Ethel's knees.

[audience laughing]

- We gotta find a safe place to put that Ming thing.

- You're right, where did you put it?

- Where did I put it?

Where did you put it?

- I put it right on that table there.

- I never touched it.

- Where could it be,

I mean it couldn't have gone galloping off

all by itself.

[audience laughing]

- It's not in here.

There's something else missing, too, Helen.

- Something else?

- Think, Helen, think.

That girl.

- Jenny?

Oh, no.

- I warned you Helen, I warned you.

You took a viper to your bosom

and she kicked you right in the teeth.

- You talk like you've been kicked in the head.

- Never mind, never mind, I'm gonna call the police.

- No, no, no, no Stanley, Stanley.

Give her the benefit of the doubt, okay.

- Oh, while we're doubting, she's benefiting

to the tune of $20,000.

- Look, Stanley, I just don't believe

that that sweet little kid could do a think like this.

- Why, because she's a girl

and she looked at you with big brown eyes?

- No, I just, she just seems so sweet.

- What if it was a man,

what if it was a very tough guy with a g*n?

Then would you have invited him to stay with us?

- Of course not.

- So much for your equal rights.

[audience laughing]

- What?

- I warned you she was no good and so did Brooks.

And he's a very level-headed guy.

[audience laughing]

- [Anne] Jeffrey, is that you?

- Yes.

[audience laughing]

Yes, it's me Anne.

- Squeak, squeak.

- Anne, that is not funny.

- Aw, is my big strong man afraid

of a teensy little mouse?

- Even elephants are afraid of mice.

Besides, I'm not afraid of them,

I just, I don't like them that's all.

Even as a child I liked Donald and Pluto

and Goofy, but never Mickey.

[audience laughing]

- You must have been a riot at the movies.

Standing up on your seat every time

they showed a "Tom and Jerry" cartoon.

[audience laughing]

- I never did that.

I went to the toilet.

[audience laughing]

- Well, never mind that.

You'll get used to the cute little guy.

- It's too late, Anne, he's gone.

- What?

Jeffrey!

- I'm sorry, Anne, I was just trying

to make friends with the little chap, honest.

- What did you do to him?

- Nothing, he escaped.

- How?

- I don't, he must have picked the lock or something.

[audience laughing]

- Where did he go?

- To the Ropers? back yard.

- He jumped over that high fence?

- Not exactly, I happened to be holding

its cage over the fence to show it

the Ropers' back yard when all of a sudden, Anne,

the door fell open and brave little Mr. Mouse

seized the opportunity and, and, and, and escaped.

- Into the Ropers' yard?

- I said he was brave,

I didn't say he was bright.

Went like that.

- Hello, police?

I wanna report a theft.

- Stanley, please.

- It's gotta be done, Helen.

- Oh.

- Somebody stole my horse.

[audience laughing]

It's about 13 inches high.

No, I'm not a m*dget.

It's the kind of horse that sits

on top of a radio.

Will you stop laughing.

They're all nuts.

- Hi.

- Oh, never mind officer.

My horse just came in.

- Jenny?

Where have you been?

- Oh, I went to see someone.

- A fence?

- Fence?

- Did you or did you not take our horse?

- Yeah, I took it.

- Aha!

- I took it to show my ceramics teacher

to get an expert opinion.

- Aha!

- Was that okay?

- Oh, of course it was, honey.

- What did he say about it?

- Plenty.

It's a very good imitation.

- What?

- Imitation?

- Yeah, they were turning them out by the thousands

after the w*r.

- You mean it isn't worth anything?

- Well, you can get something for it?

- How much?

- $25.

- $25?

- Oh, poor Daddy's horse.

Practically worthless.

[audience laughing]

I can hardly wait for Ethel to find out.

- You know, it's funny.

Helen told me that you're interested

in the horse for sentimental reasons.

And she suddenly has become very sentimental

about it, too.

- Yeah, I'm not sure I can part with it.

- How much?

- If you're suggesting that it's a matter of money.

- $50.

- Ethel, please, the price is not important.

- All right, a hundred.

- Of course, it's not unimportant either.

- 200 and that is my final offer.

[audience laughing]



- Well, that sounds like a fair price.

[audience laughing]

But I'll settle for, um, mm, $25.

- Helen, are you crazy, $25?

- Stanley, you don't think that I would cheat

my very own sister any more than she would cheat me,

would you Ethel, darling.

- Of course not, darling.

Here's your $25.

- Oh, you drive a hard bargain, Helen.

- Well, it's probably not even worth that much.

- I know.

But who cares about money

when it's something that will remind me of poor Daddy.

Well, I've got to rush.

- Yeah, well, give my love to Mama.

- Hi.

- Oh, oh, Jenny, I didn't know you were home.

- I was out back.

- Oh, Jenny, I want you to meet my sister Ethel.

Ethel, this is Jenny.

- Oh, yes, the young lady who broke into your house.

- She didn't break in.

She, she, she-

- Climbed in.

- Yes.

- Please to meet you, Ethel.

Sorry, I can't shake your hand.

- Oh?

Why, what have you got there?

- Nothing.

- Nothing.

She could've been rummaging in the storeroom.

- Ethel!

- Oh, come on, Helen,

you are far too gullible.

Now what have you got there.

- Just a mouse.

[Ethel screaming] [glass breaking]

- Oh, no.

- What do you know, a little mouse

who's not afraid of a great big cat.

[audience laughing]

[audience applauding]

[groovy music]