01x10 - Nick Takes Over The Military

[bunniefuu]

Tonight, we're gonna do something a little different.

I got some viewer mail here

And I'm gonna let you guys decide on what I take over tonight.

"Dear nick"--that's me!

"I'm a big fan of your show.

"And I think I know the perfect thing for you to take over.

"You should take over dirt.

Love, your dirtiest fan, johnny."

Johnny, maybe you should take over a bath.

"Dear nick, love your show.

Boy, are you funny."

Like this kid already.

"Especially when you say funny things.

"I think that's funny.

"You know what else I think is funny?

"My armpit. Think you should take that over.

"Wouldn't that be funny?

What do you think?, Jimmy"

Jimmy...

Something wrong.

"Dear nick, I got something for you to take over.

Your momma."

"Nick...do you want adventure, excitement,

And free clothes?"

Liking this already.

"If you want to travel the world,

"Learn to fly jets,

"And be the best you can be,

"Then the military is the place for you.

Join today, uncle sam."

Wow, this'll be perfect for tonight's episode.

Thanks, uncle sam.

Military, here I come.

♪♪ I'm taking over ♪♪

♪♪ Come on ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

♪♪ Ain't no party like a nick cannon party ♪♪

♪♪ 'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop ♪♪

Ooh, all right.

Military, I'm here!

Yeah, thanks for the ride.

Going in a hummer, right on.

Where am I supposed to be?

Stand up straight! Stand up straight!

Put it down, put it down!

Put it down!

Hurry up, put it down right now!

Say bye-bye, hostess!

Quit licking your fingers!

Quit licking them!

What you doing with willis?

Willy, little teddy bear!

Willy, willy!

Say bye-bye! Bye-bye!

That was britney.

We don't like britney!

What is this?

A picture of yourself?

That is ugly!

This is ugly!

I need a hug.

Yes, sir!

Shut up! But they pay me...

Shut your mouth up!

This is your initial clothing issue.

These ain't nike.

These are better than nike!

Put them on your nasty body

As fast as you possibly can!

Yeah, I got something for you...

Oh! We'll make you eat a whole pack at one time!

As fast as possible. Do you understand?

Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go! Let's go!

Let's go, sometime today.

Sometime today!

What are y'all yelling for?

Willis!

Now I'm here in the medical examination room.

You know, getting my physical on.

So, just chill here, wait for the doctor to get here.

♪♪ Physical, yeah ♪♪

♪♪ Examination ♪♪

They're gonna put a stick here and eat all the ice cream.

Audience: eeeuw!

What are you doing?

This is not how you do this.

Hoo!

Somebody came in here and messed this room all up.

I don't know how it happened.

I was, like, stop, you know that ain't right.

You shouldn't be messing with medical stuff.

Well, let's check out your heartbeat.

All right.

[Theme song]

Got a good beat.

Thank you.

This physical stuff is easy. What's next, doc?

Well, we got one more thing.

[Echoes] I just have to give you this little shot.

[Nick whimpers]

It's not gonna hurt at all.

You just have to bend over and take a breath.

It'll be done really quick.

I'm not bending and breathing for nobody.

No, no, no. Come on.

Doctor...

No. Hold on.

Talk about this, my patient rights.

Right number , I have the right...

It's a little itty bitty needle.

Patients get this all the time.

...not to get stuff posted to my behind.

Wait. No, no. Hey.

Ain't nobody said nothing about shots.

We gotta make sure you're healthy, right?

I'm healthy! See, I'm healthy.

It's a small pinch.

No, I don't like shots.

Nick, I'm going to give you this shot.

No needle, no needle, no needle, no needle.

[Whimpering]

Ok, cannon, I've got you now.

Aaaahhhh!...

Good morning, recruits.

Today you will be negotiating my obstacle course.

Do you understand me?

Yes, sir!

Go!

Let's go! Move up, move up.

Go!

Let's go. Move up, move up.

Next two, go!

Let's go.

Today.

Come on, come on, come on.

You can do it. Let's go.

Up and over, up and over.

Keep going. You got more obstacles.

You gotta be kidding.

That was a workout.

Workout? You still got more to go. Let's go.

Jump over that log!

Today, nick! Everybody's already passing you.

Any day, nick! Let's go!

No! Get back!

Get back, do it again!

There you go. Let's go.

Up and over.

Go! [Yelling]

Get up there right now!

There you go.

Let's go. Keep going.

Go all the way to the ropes.

Over the logs.

Keep going. Up and over.

Hello, ma? They hurtin' me, mama.

Please help me. They--they...

You should have seen what they did to willis.

What are you doing?

Nothing.

Ma--mama, hold on.

Ma'am, he's busy right now.

He'll call you back in a couple of months.

Man, I'm tired.

Tired? I'll make you tired!

Drop and give me .

You got change for ?

Not money! Push-ups!

Drop and give me now!

...

Ah...

Man, those are some nice shoes.

Hey, yo, ya'll hurry back.

'Cause nick cannon's taking over.

My hair's so short, you can see what I'm thinking.

This ain't even cool.

♪♪ Nick cannon ♪♪

♪♪ Nick ♪♪

Everybody in the military seems to be so serious.

Nobody's laughing at anything.

Nobody smiles around here.

I'm just gonna see how many people I can make laugh.

How many people I can bring some brightness today.

What's up with the haircut?

No. You don't like my hair?

'Cause we could twist you up.

That's ok.

What's ten-hut mean?

Just snap to attention. That's it.

So, like what if I wanted to, like, " -hut"?

I don't know.

I gotta be tough like you,

'Cause you ain't smiled once.

You have to.

I ain't seen you smirk.

I want nothing less.

Ain't nothing funny, huh?

Nothing funny.

You don't never giggle?

No.

You don't just... Ha.

Don't have time.

Why is there nothing funny in the military?

Nobody's laughing around here.

Nobody thinks I'm funny.

'Cause maybe you're not.

I'm not funny at all, huh?

No.

You guys eat together all the time?

Sometimes.

You guys, like, ever smile at each other while you're eating?

This is the first time now.

This is the first smile.

It's the first. Really good smile.

What is that?

Cottage cheese. Builds the body strong.

Cottage cheese builds the body strong?

Yeah.

Cottage cheese builds more cottage cheese.

What's the fun part about the military.

The part when you're not working.

When you're not actually doing anything, that's fun.

Just chillin'. Like right now,

We're not doing nothing at this time.

You're just chilling?

So did you have to go through all the same type

Of military training that everybody else did to be a cook?

Same thing.

So like, combat with carrots and stuff like that.

What is the toughest meal to make?

Lasagna.

That ain't tough.

Portions.

So you have conquered lasagna since you've been in the military?

I've mastered it right here.

So, you miss home?

Sometimes, you know.

When I go to work, I miss home.

But like, off work, we go to clubs, no.

I like to do the robot.

I do it good. But I'm in uniform.

We can't dance in uniform.

Let me see.

We ain't gonna tell nobody.

For harlem, dog.

For , and and...

, Th street.

Uh...sesame street, all y'all.

On the block, harlem.

Butterfly, you know you gotta bring two legs in at one time.

Here come the sergeant!

While I'm here, I just wanted to sing the marine corps hymn.

♪♪ From the halls of montezuma ♪♪

♪♪ To the shores of tripoli ♪♪

♪♪ We will fight our country's battle ♪♪

♪♪ In the air on land and sea ♪♪

♪♪ First to fight for right and freedom ♪♪

♪♪ And to keep our honor clean ♪♪

Give me the bling.

♪♪ We are proud to claim the title ♪♪

♪♪ Of united states marines ♪♪

Give 'em one!

[People shout]

All right! That was hot!

♪♪ Nick ♪♪

♪♪ Nick cannon, nick cannon ♪♪

Checking the mail.

Checking the mail.

Eviction!

I ain't voting for nobody.

I don't wanna evict.

Ooh, yo. A post card.

"Hey, francis,

"Having a great time at the military.

"Wish you were here.

Peace out, nick."

Oh, snap! Money!

My man went to the military!

Oh, no. Why he's going...

I'm gonna leave b.

I'm gonna leave my apartment, b,

To go see another b. Whoo!

Oh, it's going crazy, money.

♪♪ We want the spunk ♪♪

This the recruiting office, money?

How you doing, sir?

Uh...

Yes, can I help you, son?

Uh, yeah, let me introduce myself, sir.

My name is francis spunkle.

If you don't know, ask your uncle.

For real, son. You know, and all.

I'm here to represent.

Do you have what it takes

To be a u.s. Marine?

Well, I ain't take nothing.

That wasn't me.

I just walked in.

No, no. I didn't mean that.

I'm sergeant packer.

Nice to meet you, sergeant packer.

You from greenbay?

So, what I gotta do first?

Whoa!

I'm cool, I'm cool, I'm cool.

Yo, look at that.

How can I get some of these?

Oh, oh!

No. These-- my mom would love these?

My mom would love these.

These are empty.

You could put all my stuff in here.

We can make it happen, money.

If you really want to show me

You are sincere and have the commitment...

Get a haircut and come back.

A haircut?

We could take a little off the sides.

Not a little. All of it.

Oh, all?

And then if I get it all off,

You'll put me in the military?

And I can make some money

And get all the ladies?

'Cause you know, francis is from the eighties

And a lot of ladies.

I'll get the ladies in the military.

The ladies in the skirts. The bugle boys.

I'm gonna go get the haircut.

I'll be back.

Don't let nobody touch my boom box.

I'll be back, money.

Second door on your left.

Please.

Spunkle?

[Silent mouthing]

Is that you?

Please!

My hair!

[Screaming incomprehensibly]

Son, I had doubts about your commitment,

But I can see your sincerity.

I look like a big milk dud!

I look like a chocolate skeleton.

Let me get the paperwork.

I want my hair back, money.

This ain't even working, money.

No, the commitment you've made just to get a haircut like that

Shows me you're the kind of man we need in the service.

Yo, my hair's so short, you can see what I'm thinking, money.

This ain't even cool.

They just went in there, it was like...

They was just like...

My curls was all on the floor, money.

Oh!

How do you spell spunkle?

S-p-u-n-k-l-e.

Spunkle. Don't know, ask your uncle.

Look, b, this don't make no sense, b.

It's the same, b.

My radio, my radio.

Look, look, look.

I really don't know if they're gonna let you take that, son.

It don't even fit no more, money!

I used to have, like, stuff all over here, b.

Look at all of this space, money.

You ain't got no hair,

Don't mean I ain't gotta have no hair.

Francis, it'll grow back, believe me.

Yours didn't grow back, money.

I can't get no chicks like this.

Francis, you're about to impart...

I did the military to get the ladies, money!

Once you get in boot camp,

You won't even worry about your hair.

I look like roll-on deodorant.

That ain't even right.

I can't be spunk no more.

Look like a bowling pin, man.

Francis...

I salute you.

Third door on the right.

I'm not going in the military.

They'll take you on the next part of your journey.

I changed my mind, money.

You can have the military.

Do the spunkle name proud.

I look like gandhi, b.

Nick...cannon.

Chanting: stand up, buckle up, and shuffle to the corps.

Stand up, buckle up, and shuffle to the corps.

Jump right out and shout marine corps!

Jump right out and shout marine corps!

Platoon, halt.

Right face.

At ease.

Uh, permission to speak to the other guys, sir.

Permission granted.

You like this chant?

Yeah, I like the chant.

You feeling it? It's kinda cool?

Oh, yeah.

I'm feeling it, too,

But maybe I want to switch it up a little bit.

Can I switch it up?

I don't think so.

Just put my style on it, for a second.

All right.

Wanna switch places?

Sure thing. Whatever you want.

Time...uh... Uh...double time. Yeah.

Hit me with the double time.

Ain't no party like a nick cannon party.

Ain't no party like a nick cannon party.

'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop.

'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop.

Let's go.

Ain't no party like a nick cannon party.

Ain't no party like a nick cannon party.

'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop.

'Cause a nick cannon party don't stop.

Ain't no party like a nick cannon party.

Ain't no party like a nick cannon party...

Hey, y'all, don't go nowhere,

'Cause you won't believe what I do this time.

Nick...cannon.

What's up, guys?

I'm here with captain t-bone, marine fighter pilot.

And he gonna teach me how to fly, right?

That's right, nick.

First thing we're gonna do

Is teach you how to dress like a fighter pilot.

Then we'll fly, right?

Well, let's take it one step at a time first.

Like putting on big underwear.

Oh!

You got it, the fighter pilot dance.

That's how we get our equipment on.

You gotta do a little dance with this thing.

This is a survival vest, ok.

This is what has all your survival gear in it

In the event that you have to survive on your own

In the wilderness until someone comes and rescues you.

Got any candy?

A little music?

No music. Ok.

That's the type of stuff I need to survive.

Video games.

We all have our needs, nick.

Gotta have this crash helmet on.

Why's it called a crash helmet?

Just consider it a nickname.

Watch the twist now.

I don't think it fits.

Are you trying to say I got a big head?

What is this stuff?

I see you got a flashlight...

Yeah, we got a flashlight, nick.

We got smoke flares.

But look, it's like a disco flashlight.

Look at this.

That's our survival water.

Survi...

How are you supposed to survive off this?

It's like, one swig.

What we've got here is our survival radio.

So we do got a radio!

Got any n'sync on there?

Nah.

Britney spears?

No, unfortunately.

I wish it did, but it doesn't.

Snoop dog?

No snoop dog.

'Cause you need to bump when you stranded.

Well, we've got a mirror in here.

Figured you'd be interested in that.

A mirror! That's what I'm talking about.

Yeah, I thought you'd like that.

All right, now that I got my mirror,

I think I'm ready to go ahead

And check out the plane.

This is the wing.

Wing. Does it get pretty hot?

No, they stay pretty cool.

It's awfully cold up there.

So it's not like a hot wing?

No.

Can't put no barbecue sauce on this?

Nn-no, they wouldn't like that.

Buffalo?

Ranch? Ok.

Danger.

Why's this say "danger?"

This is where the air goes to feed the engines.

Oh, so this would suck me in if it was on.

That's why we have "danger, jet intake" on it.

And we wanna be... Aaahhh!

Like that?

That's exactly what happens.

That's the c*ck right there, man.

I'm ready to go flying.

I'm gonna pick up my friends, my homies, everything, man.

It's ready. Let's go!

Hey, nick? Nick?

Hold on, buddy.

No, no, no. You can't just go flying in this airplane.

I just wanted to cruise it by the school,

Wave to the ladies. You know, pull the top down.

Nick, this is serious, serious business.

These aren't for playing.

We gotta go through some school and some training.

Well, what did we just go through?

Let's go for some training.

We gotta train some more?

[Two-way radio on]

All right, baby.

This is like video games.

See your call sign?

Well, they call me nick cannon.

I got my own show,

And um, I'm just flying the plane.

Put the airplane's nose on the airfield.

I got a what in my nose?

Ok, now you're flying upside down.

What exactly is going on?

Oh! Hold on.

Ok, I need you to return to base,

Because I don't think that you're qualified to fly this airplane.

Come see you?

Nah, I got another show to sh**t.

I'm sorry. Talk to you later.

Nick cannon.

Nick cannon.

[Band playing]

Hey, how're you doing?

Hey, hey. Ain't no graduation for you today.

You did not make it. You washed out.

What are you talking about?

I was training all episode.

I did, like, two pushups.

No. You need to start your training all over...

You need to go back to receiving barracks,

Get back onto your feet,

And start all over.

But I only can do one episode from here.

At least, can I thank the people at home?

Please.

Yeah, go ahead.

Hey, you guys, this was fun.

Thank you guys for watching the show.

I wanna thank the marines,

And I had a great time here.

At least, can I fly a plane?

No, nick! Get outta here!

[Applause]

All into the end right now!

All into the end right now!...

[Shouting]

Get over there right now!

We takin' over.