02x03 - Gridlocked and Loaded/Fool's Paradise

[bunniefuu]

Once upon a time, there was a

Jillionare playboy who was

Blown up in a tremendous
expl*si*n.

His brain survived [stomach,
too]

And was attached to the body of

A stupid circus bear.

I am that brain.

My name is hector con carne,

And I will one day rule

The world

- So, I got this this itch,
and my doctor says,

"No, don't worry about it.
Forget about it."

I'm telling him, I say,
"hey, look, this thing
really itches.

I mean,
I can hardly sit down anymore."

- We're on the air.

- This is kpee
morning traffic report,

And it doesn't
look pretty, folks.

The highway appears backed up
all the way to the next state.

For those of you
stuck in this mess,

All I can say is,

You better fill out
a change of address form,

Because you're going
to be sitting in this
for a long, long time.

- Oh, come on!
Move, already!

[Honking]

- And one more.

[Beep]

There you go.

We'll get there
when we get there.

- That's very zen of you,
major dr. Ghastly,

But we are
on a tight timetable.

If we don't get there soon,
our plan will fail.

- Yeah, I missed the briefing.
What was the plan?

- Ohh! Newbies.

Ok, pay attention.

- Sock it to me.

- Please don't ever say
"sock it to me"

In front of me again.

- I'm sorry. This is just
a summer job for me, you know?

I usually work
in computer sales,

But my cat's in the hospital.

[Sniff]

Mr. Wiggledoodee.

And the doctor said
he might not make it.

I'd do anything for my little--

- D-d-d-d-d...
We don't want to know.

- Yes. See, the 3 of us,
we run this organization.

But you...

- You're generic.
You're cannon fodder.

Your job is to either
get fatally injured or arrested.

I've got 5 bucks
riding on injured.

Don't let me down.

- Ha! You're
throwing your money away.

My gut says
he'll be arrested.

- You both are idiots!

I mean, just look at this guy.

It's obvious he'll be injured
and arrested,

So it's best we don't
get too familiar.

- But I thought we were bonding.

- Oh, no.
You thought wrong.

Ok, pay attention.

At the edge of the city
are the docks,

And at the docks
sits a really big boat

Being loaded with gold bricks.

It's worth millions.

So, my genius plan is--

- We steal all the gold
from the boat!

- Yes, the work of sheer genius.

- That plan
is wicked awesome, sir.

- Ok. Yes. Two things.

One, don't ever
interrupt me again.

And two, don't ever say
"wicked awesome"

In front of me again!

- Sorry.

- There is one thing
that could be a problem.

At precisely 10 a.m.

The ship sails away
from our grasp.

If we are late,

We don't get any shiny,
shiny gold.

General skarr,
what time is it now?

- It is exactly 7 fffffffffff...



- Curse this traffic!

I said, curse it!

- Grrrr...

[Talking gibberish]

- Good boy.

- Well, maybe we
wouldn't be stuck here

If someone hadn't made us stop
for a breakfast burrito.

- I don't like to attack
on an empty stomach.

You know that.

- Yeah.

- Ghastly is the one
who took forever

With her makeup this morning.

- Well, maybe I wanted
to look special for someone.

- Who? This guy?

- My name is tony.

- Why would you want
to look special for him?

He's just a grunt.

- Golly gosh, I'm flattered,
miss major ghastly.

- Ok, don't say "golly gosh."

- It wasn't for him.

- You want to look nice
for skarr?

- The ladies
just can't resist me.

It's the unibrow.

- Look, it's not skarr.
Let's just drop it, ok?

- Well, if it's not this guy--

- Tony.

- And it's not skarr...

Ahem. Then I don't know
who else it could be.

There's no one else in this car.

I mean, who else
could you possibly

Have a crush on?

- Just drop it!

I don't want
to look nice for anyone!

I made it all up.
Does that make you happy?!

- Fine, fine.
Jeez.

Oh!

Oh, I see.

You sly vixen.

It's someone down
at the boat docks, isn't it?

One of those big,
burly dock workers, right?

Ha ha ha!

Women.

Hey, I have a question.

I'm the boss, right?

- Yep.
- Sure nuff.

- Then how come I have
to sit in the back seat?

- Because I called shotgun.

Whoever calls shotgun first
gets the passenger's seat.

- That's just silly.

- Well, that's the way it works.

- No one asked you.

- Whatever.

- Ok.

Well, I'll just ease back
into my seat.

Here we go.

Nice and--shotgun!
Shotgun! Shotgun!

I called it.
The front seat, she is mine.

Ha ha ha ha!

- It only counts if you say it
before you get in the car.

- Ok, you're right.

Forget shotgun.

I call atom b*mb!

Atom b*mb beats shotgun.

The front seat, she is mine!
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

- Look, you're not getting
the front seat.

Deal with it.

- Fine. See if I care.

I'm just the boss.
Stupid shotgun.

I didn't want
the front seat anyway.

- Well, good,
because you're not getting it.

- Well, good.

- Well, g--ah! Uh!

Did you just kick my seat?

- What? Me?

Kick you
with these stubby little legs?

No, I have been
merely sitting here

Enjoying the view
from the back seat.

I'm pretty sure
it was this guy.

- Yeah, but I saw you--

- How dare you kick the chair
of a superior officer?

Don't you worry,
major doctor.

I will make sure
he is severely punished.

Get him, boskov!

- Grrrrrr!

- Aahh! Ahh! Ahhhh! Ahh!

- Well, just don't
let it happen again.

Knock it off!

- He slipped
through my defenses.

- It wasn't me,
I swear.

- Look, there he goes again.

- No, please, no.

No, no, no!

Aaaaaahhhh!

- He's a maniac.
I can't stop him.

- It's not me.

- He's a liar
and a dirty kicker.

- Stop it.
Stop it!

- Knock it off,
both of you!

Or, so help me,

I'll turn this car
right around

And drive us back home!

- But I wasn't even
doing anything.

- I really don't care
who was or wasn't.

Now, just sit still
and be quiet!

- Good going, jerkface.

Get me in trouble.

When you're not looking,
I'm going to stick this--

- Quiet back there!

- Hmm.

- It's moving.
The traffic is finally moving.

Hang on, everyone!

- Look at that, harv--
all that gold loaded
onto this here boat.

You know, I'd hate
to think what would happen

If a g*ng of villains
drove up right now

On some kind of
crazy tankmobile.

Oh, we'd be helpless
to stop them

From stealing everything

If they just drove up
right now.

[Horns honking]

- Uhhh, false alarm, everyone.
Sorry about that.

- I think we've
actually moved backwards.

[Sniffling, whining]

- General skarr, I command you
to engage the music device!

[Rock music playing]

Yeah, that's the stuff.

[Music stops]

Hey, what gives?

- I can't read
with that obnoxious music on.

Why don't we listen
to this mix I burned?

[Easy listening music playing]

♪ I will give you my love
if you will share it with me ♪

♪ Our love will burn
like a candle ♪

♪ Burn like a scented candle

- ♪ As it fills the room
with the smell of the cinnamon ♪

- Grrrrrr.

- ♪ The cinnamon love

♪ The cinnamon love

♪ Between us is the scent
of the cinnamon love ♪

- Ooooh.

- Shall I kiss your boo-boo
and make it better?

- Just be gentle
with me, hector.

- Mmmm...no.

[Kissing sounds]

- Oh, hector.
Oh, hector, you beast.

Oh, hector.

- Yes?

- Hector, hector!

- Yes, what do you want?

- Mmmmmm...

- Yes, hello?

- Oh, yeah.

- Yes, what?
- Yes, hector!

- Ok, sure, yes.

Whatever.

- This is my cat's
favorite song.

- Nobody cares.

- I can't take any more
of this sentimental claptrap.

- It's a very good song.

- It does sort of grow on you.

♪ It is the scent of...

- ♪ Love cinnamon

- ♪ The cinnamon of love

- Grrr-laaaaaa...

[Hector and ghastly
singing over each other]

- Look, harv, it's some kind of
crazy attack tank.

Oh, wait.
That's just a pelican.

Sometimes them pelicans
look like attack tanks.

Sometimes.

[Horns honking]

- Ok, here's
a hypothetical question,

Major doctor ghastly.

- Yes?

- Hypothetically,

If your seat became available
in the next 10 minutes

Due to the fact
that you were, oh, I don't know,

Let's say, uh,
eaten by a bear,

If I were to call shotgun,
would i--

- No!

- Fine, fine.
Don't get snippy.

Sheesh.

Are we there yet?

Why aren't we moving?
Can't you go any faster?

I don't think
you're in the right lane.

Why is there all this traffic?

Flash your lights.
Honk your horn.

Turn on your signal!
You're not doing it right!

- Look, if you don't
like the way I drive,

Then why don't you
take the wheel, mr. Big shot?

- Ok.

- Well, too bad!
I'm driving.

Now, be quiet!

- I've got an idea.

Why don't we all play
a nice driving game?

- Yeah, that sounds like fun
with a capital "f."

- What is wrong with you, man?
I mean, really.

- What does the winner get?

- Ooh! The winner
gets a trophy.

- Or a trip to hawaii!

- I think the winner should get
all his veterinary bills paid.

- No. The winner
doesn't get anything.

It's a driving game.

- Um, technically,
we aren't driving.

We're just sort of sitting.

- He's right, you know.

- Here's a good idea for a game.

It's called
"hector gets the front seat."

- Will you give
the seat thing a rest, already?

- Oh, wait. I just thought
of another game.

It's called
"skarr is a doo-doo head."

- That's not even
a real game.

- Sure it is.
All the kids play it.

- Yeah. I bought
a booster pack yesterday.

- Oh, yeah?
Well, here's a better game.

It's called "shut up."

- I don't like that game.
Here's a new one.

It's called "everyone in
this car is a big nerd
except for me."

- Oh, that's real mature,
hector.

- Well, at least I'm not
a big nerd like you--

A fat, stinky nerd.

- Fat?!
Well, here's a game for you.

It's called
"melt hector's brain."

- No! I don't want to play that!

See? I was right.

You even sh**t like a nerd.

- Quit it, woman.

You're going
to ruin the upholstery.

- This is saddening.

I mean,
I've got a bear for a body.

How can you not
hit a bear?

- Stop making fun of me!

- You know, sometimes my cat
would act up like this.

All I had to do was give him
a little piece of cheese

And rub his tummy-tum.

Then he'd be my super pal again.

- I hate you so much.

You're fired!

Get out of the car.
Go on.

- But I really need the money.

- Out!

[Horns honking]

And I hope your cat
kicks the bucket.

- Well, that's the last of them.

I tell you what, harv,
if someone were wanting
to rob this boat,

They'd better do it pretty soon.

- Why are you so obsessed
with this ship getting robbed?

- I don't know.

Helps keep me from thinking
about my empty life, I guess.

- Ok, I admit it.
Your aim has gotten better.

- Thanks, and now the car
smells like burnt bear.

- You looking to get
some of this, too, baldy?

- You know what bugs me most?

This whole thing
could have been avoided

If this stupid car had turned
into a big robot or something.

It's amazing to me that
with all these doodads
and blinking switches,

There isn't a single one
that turns the car

Into a big robot--

Like that one right there.

Oh, you have got
to be kidding me.

Go, go, go!

- Hey! That really hurt,
you big jerk!

- Take that, traffic.
And that, and that.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!

- [Panting]

Uurp.
Glurgh.

[Clank]

- Walk it off, big guy.
You'll be ok.

We've only got a minute left,
so here's the deal:

Ghastly, you attack from the--

- Chief.

- What the--

Hello. Excuse me, officer.

I am merely a concerned citizen
and was wondering what happened.

- Well, someone robbed
all the gold from this boat;

Got away with millions.

- What?! How dare they?

I was going to ro--
I mean, uh, continue.

- Yeah, well, apparently,
this guy was a real nut job,

You know?

He kept crying
about his sick cat

And saying dumb phrases
like, "golly gosh, gee whiz."

Sounds like a grade "a" nerd,
if you ask me.

- That guy.
That guy.

That guy I hate!

- Are you all right, sir?

- Yes, thank you.

I've merely gone blind
with rage.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I'm going to go
jump off the pier.

- Oh. Ok.

- Ghastly! Skarr!
Where are you?

Everything's gone so dark.

- We're over here.

- What do you want to do now?

- I guess we could go
to the flea market.

- Ooh, that sounds good.

I need a new coffee table.

- Shotgun!

- Ohhhh!

[Sobbing]

- Holy cats, will you get
a load of this place?

It's unbelievably beautiful.

So, when are we taking it over?

- According to rule number 5

Of "the 7 rules
of highly effective dictators,"

It is important to occasionally
give your underlings

The illusion
of blowing off steam.

- What a generous gesture.

- It's all about relaxation,

So on this trip,
we conquer nothing.

We are in
a no-stress-allowed zone.

Skarr! Stop lollygagging!

- Welcome, friends.

Enjoy a refreshing glass
of fresh-squeezed papaya juice.

- Mmm.
- Mmm.

[Slurping]

- [Panting]

- Urrrrrrrrpp.

- Ooh, I like a woman
who can hold her juice.

What a surprise
finding you here.

After all, this is
an awfully expensive resort.

Not everyone can be
as successful a villain as i.

Yeah.

- Ewwww.

- An effective villain
invests in his staff.

That's why I spare no expense
when it comes to my team.

Ok, so, I get double off
with these 5 coupons, yes?

- Oh, yes, sir.

- Good, good.

- Thank you, sir.

Here are the keys to your rooms.

- Two rooms?

There must be a mistake.

There are 3 of us.

- Skarr, you and I
are sharing a room.

- But--

- Look, that scheme
with the robotic baker
and his sandwiches,

It set us back
about 15 billion.

- My good man,
let's upgrade the lady's room

To a suite, shall we?

- I can't accept this.

- Um, this might
save us a few bucks

For our future exploits.

- Hmm. Yeah. Gotcha, boss.

I'll do it for us,
not for--ewww--him.

- Fine choice, my dear.

I look forward to spending
some quality time with you

Over the next few days.

Ta.

- Yes, then.
Let the relaxation begin.

- Ohh!

It's amazing.

Oh, look at all the soaps.

- Ok!

This is even nicer
than that place in barstow.

Hey, you get dibs
on the puffy side of the bed.

Ahhhh.

- I don't like this.

- Don't be a child.

Come, let's go to the beach.
That will perk you up.

- Courtesy of the gentleman
with the great big metal head.

- Oh, for heaven's sake.

Just send them back.

- Urrp.

- Uh!

- Surf's up!

- Grrr!

[People screaming]

- So, someone's looking
a wee bit cooked.

It's been remarked
by many a society damsel

That I give quite
the sunscreen massage.

So, how about a refresher,
my little grunion?

- Blehhh.

- [Snoring]

- Ugh!

It's like it's watching me.

[Gasp] ugh!

- What a dream I had last night.

I dreamt I got to beat up estroy
over and over and over.

Ha ha ha ha!

Ah, I feel
a lot more relaxed.

Skarr, honestly,
you're on vacation.

Could you try to relax?

- [Sobbing]

- Well, I'm heading back
for seconds.

- Buenas morning,
schmoopy-bird.

- [Gasp] these eggs
are almost as greasy as you.

- You're lovely
when you're hungry.

Ahhhhh...

Oh, ghastly, I think your bark
is worse than your bite.

- I didn't know
he could do that.

- There's a lot of things
about your crew you don't know.

- [Humming]

Hey, you!

- Here you go, sport.

Go get yourself a corn dog.

- Oh, corn dog.

- I built
a much nicer sand sculpture

Just for you.

- Ewwww.

Ohh, it's good to see you guys.

Agh! That estroy
has been stalking me
all afternoon!

- Is that any way to talk

About the man
who's buying you dinner?

- Will you catch a clue?

I'm just not interested!

- Oh, the hard-to-get act.
I get it.

- Get some for me, too.

[Slurp]

- What the--

- Just thought we'd drop by.

- Grrrrr.

- Aahhh!

- Garcon,
another shrimp platter,

And you can put it
on the gentleman's...

- Eeeeh!

- Tab.

[Knock on door]

- How about a midnight stroll?

- Not interested.

[Knocking]

- A walk on the beach?

- Not likely.

- A nocturnal rendezvous?

[Estroy singing indistinctly]

- I can't take it anymore!

- [Snoring]

[Grunting, scratching]

- Ugh!

[Ringing]

Eeehh?

Trade rooms?

Your room
has a big bed, right?

Of course we can trade rooms!

Ahhhh...

- Your hands.
Without the gloves,
they're so soft.

Oh, ghastly, if only you knew
the true depth of my feelings.

Darling, will you marry me?

- Grrr.

- Che--oooh.

- And so boskov and estroy
were wed that very day.

Of course, hector demanded
an immediate divorce

And got half of estroy's money.

- Oh, yeah!
I'm rich!

- Ghastly finally got
her relaxation time in the sun--

Eh, maybe a bit too much sun.

- Owww.

- General skarr
even got some more surfing done.

And, well, let's just say
he tastes like chicken.

- Burrrrrp.

Mmm.

[Slurp]

Yummy.

[Horns honking]