02x01 - Hart Broken

[bunniefuu]

I mean, I'm 30,000 feet
in the air, right?

They're saying,
"Kevin, come on, please.

Kevin, you got to
put on a parachute."

Everybody's going,
"Please, please Kev."

This point, they're begging me.

Well, tell me that
the story ends

with you wearing the parachute.

- Absolutely f*cking not. No.

No, no.
I wanted to be authentic, right?

- It's got to be real.
- Yeah.

You know what
Tom Cruise calls parachutes?




Diapers.

Is that because they fill up
when you're falling?

No. Tom told me, he said,

"Kevin, if they put me
in a parachute,

they might as well
put a diaper on me

and send me to pasture."

Look, Kevin...

you know, based on the success
of the first one,

we see massive
franchise potential

with The Jeffersons.

And, you know,
your agent just keeps saying

that you might be waffling
on doing a sequel.

And I'm just here to ask,
is it about the money?

Look, Deb, The Jeffersons
is amazing, right?




We did amazing work there,
but I'll be honest,

when I walk on that set,
I feel like I'm being babysat.

I mean, they give me
g*dd*mn stunt coordinators.

I have--I have stage managers,
uh, wires, green screens.

Yes. And-and somehow
you still manage

to jump out of an airplane
without a chute.

I wasn't telling the truth
when I told you that,

but I forgot to say
I was lying, so...

Let's take a pause, right?
Put a pin in that

so you understand
that wasn't the truth.

I had to make that up.
It was pretending.

But you know why
I got to pretend?

Because I'm not
a real action star, Deb.

Kevin, you took a sitcom
about a dry cleaner

and you turned him into

m*therf*cking Jason Bourne, okay?

You are a real action star.

No, not yet.

- Not yet?
- No.

But I will be when you fund
my next project.

Okay.

Deb, now look,
what I'm about to tell you

is gonna seem crazy at first,
but I promise you,

if you give it a chance,
you'll get it.

Close your eyes.

Okay.

Deb, I want you to
picture yourself

going up a mountain.

On the ground, let's go,
come on, come on!

All right, you rich assholes!

Move it! Rolexes, jewelry,

all your fancy sh*t!

What is taking so long?
Put it in the bag. Let's go.

Just stay calm. Stay calm.

Everything shiny.
Let's go.

Put it in the bag. Let's go.

They're coming this way.

- I don't have all day here.

sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t, sh*t.

Trying to hide, little man?

The f*ck did you just call me?

Bet you got a big wallet
for such a little man.

Now put it in the bag!

You want my wallet? Huh?

Get back, I got this.

You got what?

I want your g*n! sh*t.

You believe this f*cking clown?

Give me your g*n
and sit down.

Whoa.

What, you're gonna be
the first man in history

to sh**t somebody
with the safety on?

- What?
- Huh?

I don't like g*ns.

Ah, sh*t.

- No, cut him out.
- Goddammit. sh*t.

Nice to beef you, m*therf*cker.

Hey, it's not about me,
it's about you.

I'm glad that everybody's safe.

It's a crazy world
that we're living in.

- A lot of nut jobs out here.
- Oh, Kevin...

Kevin, what just happened?

Real g*dd*mn action.

- That's what just happened.
- Okay.

Real f*cking action.

That's the adrenaline
that I want

audiences across the globe
to feel, Deb.

So this... this is...
was all staged?

Yeah. All of it, they're actors.

I just wanna give you
a little taste of what

- our movie was about, right?
- Oh, my God.

This is the movie
that we're gonna make.

So what I did was
I brought an outline, right?

A little rough outline
to give you a little idea

about what we're gonna do.

- Oh, boy.
- Right?

The world of our movie lives
in improvised action,

and spontaneous a*s-whoopings.

That's what this is about.

That guy spontaneously hit you
with a g*n.

You talking about Larry?

Larry, hey, you got me good.
I'm gonna feel that one.

Yeah, you are.

You're g*dd*mn right.
f*cking Larry.

You're not well.
Oh, no, you're not well.

This is about me
getting the respect

that I deserve
as an action star, Deb.

What is it that
you want me to say here?

What do I want you to say, Deb?
I want you to say,

"I'll do it."

My answer is no.

Never. This-this is
never going to happen.

Not at my studio
or anyone else's.

- No.
- Please.

- No.
- Can you just give it a--

- No, no, no, no, no.
- Can you just give it a--

Deb, can you just...

Can you just please give it a...
give it a read?

- Oh.
- Okay? Here.

- There you go.

That's all... that's all I want.

Can you just...

I'll read it.

- We did it! Yeah!

Hello, Mr. Green Light.
She loved it, right?

I told you
she was gonna love it.

What's the budget she gave you?

$300 million? $400...
$500 million for this?

Just drive.

I am so sorry.
Kevin, that's not...

That is not fair.
You are a king, and this town

doesn't deserve you.
Do you hear me?

You are a king. You are my king.

Praise, praise.

Wait a second.
Is that her right there?

Is that her, the one
throwing away the script?

Is that her right there?

Excuse me, ma'am.

Excuse me, ma'am,
in the red jacket.

How are you?

Kevin Darnell Hart
is a national treasure.

- A national...
- Just drive the car.

We're gonna
drive the car,

- but honestly...
- Andre.

...get your sh*t together.

Nice to meet you.

- Drive the f*cking car, Andre!

Today is gonna be

the most amazing day
of your life. Your paper.

You say the same thing
every day, Andre,

and every day you're wrong.

Oh, well, come on.

You're just cranky

because you haven't had
your tofu tahini smoothie.

I'll get that for you right now.
Sophie, his TT.

I really hate that
you call it that.

- Here you go.
- There we go.

- Big gulps. There you go.

No, I'm cranky

because the movie
of my dreams just flamed, okay?

Now I don't know
what I'm gonna do with my life.

Well, I mean, come on, man.
You still have us.

That's amazing, right?
You have us.

The hell does that mean? Who?

Hannah, Sophie, me,
your man, TJ, right over here.

I'm talking about your village.

I know what you need.
I know what you need.

A massage.

Nina, you all set up
with the new hot stones?

I can be in about ten minutes.

She can be in about ten minutes.

Kevin, the crew are ready
whenever you are.

Yeah, I'm ready.

You got this!

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
There you go.

Oh, God. How you doing?

Good, great. Kev...

Now just pretend you're biking
through the Swiss Alps.

We'll CG the Alps in later.

What is that?

I'm on foot though.
I need a bike, right?

We'll CG that in too. Action!

- You just want me to...
- Just go for it.

Act like I'm riding a bike?

Exactly.

Straight arms.

Kevin, look at this.

Hey, man, not... No.

I can't... I can't do this sh*t.

I can't. I... I cannot

do this sh*t anymore.

All right, I'm tired of the CGI

and the g*dd*mn green screens,

all this fake sh*t.

No, uh...

I want
real f*cking action.

Kevin, no.

Nina, what's the ETA
on those hot stones?

It appears
A-list actor Kevin Hart

is back in the news again.

Star of the high octane reboot
of The Jeffersons,

Hart has spent his own money

destroying a high-end
Hollywood restaurant

in an attempt
to woo a studio boss

into financing what he refers to

as a cinema verite-style
action film.

This comes just a year
after the actor famously fired

his longtime stuntman
Doug Eubanks,

in the middle of production.

The decision that left
insiders dumbfounded.

- Bring me this man.

Bring me this...

Kevin Hart.

Wow. This is big, man.

No, like, this is really big.

Andre, I don't think
you understand.

I cast my dream out into
the universe and guess what?

Karl Stromberg comes running.

Absolutely. Yeah, yeah.

But I got to say, boss,
I... I don't like it.

I mean, you don't even
know this guy, right?

I tried to look him up
and nothing came up on Google.

Duh. It's because he's European.

They got their own Google.
Everybody knows that, all right?

Listen, the guy's loaded,
got tons of money.

And if his desire

is to make my movie,
then so be it, I'm good.

I can't do it, boss.
I am so sorry. I can't do it.

My job is to look out
for your best interest,

- and I don't really think that--
- Uh, what did you just say?

It's my job
to look out for your--

It is not your job.
As a matter of fact,

that's the complete opposite
of your job.

You know
who looks out for me, Andre?

Me. That's who looks out for me.
Me. Okay?

- You know what? Pull over.
- What?

Pull over. I'm driving myself.

- I don't want you to drive.
- No. Kevin, no, no, no, no, no.

- No.
- Kevin, you can't drive your...

- Yeah, I can. I do not need you.
- You need me. You need me.

Correction...
I don't need you.

I didn't need my stuntman.

I damn sure
don't need an assistant

telling me how to live my life.
Pull over.

Don't... don't hold
the wheel in the middle.

Shut up, Andre.

I said shut up.

- I'm... Yeah.
- I know how to drive.

We know. We all know.

He knows how to drive a car.
We know.

But let's say you put your
hand down, you pop it in D.

- Pop it in first.
- No, that's reverse. Whoa.

You know what?
Why don't I help you out?

I'll get in there.

I'll start her up.
I'll roll out.

Everybody will think it was you.

- I don't want your help.
- Okay, good.

- Good, good, good, good, good.
- Yeah, smooth. Very smooth.

- You're leaving.
- Yeah. f*ck off.

I'll drive all the way home.

So, Karl...
Karl, what is it, uh,

what is it that you do
for a living, man?

I made my fortune
mining precious metals.

Mmm.

Now I finance films,
primarily in the Balkans,

once in North Korea.

It's probably hard to get
permits over there, huh?

Permits are for cowards.

Your outline...

is dangerous.

It's violent.

It's almost no narrative
that makes sense

to a regular human being.

I am not
a regular human being. No.

I am Karl Stromberg.

Yeah.

And that is why...

I will finance
this film for you.

What did you just say to me?

You're telling me
that you're going finance

my g*dd*mn movie?

Huh?

Dude, you just made my day, man.

And I don't have to do my pitch,
because my pitch is expensive.

I ain't wanna break
all this glass stuff in here

because I know
I got to pay for it.

Dude, you...
I was in a dark place, Karl.

I was in a real dark place, man.

You just pulled me
out of a dark place.

It's because
people underestimate you.

Yeah.

When you left comedy
for the action,

they said you'd fail.

They did?

When you fired your stuntman
to do your own stunts,

- they said you would fail.
- You heard about that?

Everyone heard about that.

It's only you and Tom Cruise
who do your own stunts now.

That's... that's a fact.

Two peas in a pod, man.

What's going on? What you doing?

This film, Kevin,

will put you

in your own category.

One pea...

in one pod.

Yes, right. That's right.

One pea, one pod.

Hell yeah.

That's what
it's supposed to be, Karl.

You know what, man?

I know we just met,
but I feel like I've known you

for a long time
because you get me.

I'm so sick of this...

this CG
and this green screen sh*t.

So what'd you think of
the story, Karl,

about me getting--

No one watches movies
for the story.

Yeah.

They'll watch it
for the action...

and the nudity.

I don't really...

I don't really
have any d*ck in my script.

But if you want something,

you feel like
people wanna see d*ck,

I can add some d*ck.

- Mmm.
- I can... I'm... I'm not afraid

to go full frontal.
I'll do it. Right?

If that's what the people want.

My biggest thing though
is the action, man.

I just don't... I don't wanna
see it coming, right?

- I wanna be caught off guard.
- You will sh*t your pants.

What are you talking about?

We will have to
change your pants,

forget about the old times,

for when you sh*t your pants.

'Cause I'm scared?

- You will sh*t.
- I... I will sh*t.

- You will sh*t...
- Yeah.

- ...your pants.
- I'll sh*t my g*dd*mn pants.

You will sh*t!

- I wanna sh*t.
- You will sh*t.

- All right. I wanna sh*t.
- You wanna sh*t?

Yeah, I will sh*t.

You sh*t your pants!

I'm ready
to sh*t my pants, Karl!

I wanna sh*t my pants!
Right now!

When... when do we start,
so I can sh*t?

We already have.

There's a camera
hidden right behind you.

Oh...
I think I see it.

The little, the black, the um,
space with the black, right?