02x03 - The Legend of Stromberg

[bunniefuu]

If I had what now?

Just an unexpected accident

with a very small,

flying, fast,

like projectile object through

- his shoulder.

- Right.

And I just think some painkillers

- would really help him.

- Mm-hmm.

I know I don't have

a prescription, but

I can assure you this is an emergency.

I see.

You wanna score some good drugs?

Some Xany, some Max,

chuckleheads, wet

Garys, shrieking Jimmys,

moon pies, butter pies?

Look, I'm not a drug

addict. I'm an actor.

Don't you recognize me?

Um

Okay. It doesn't matter, all right?

My idiot friend got

shot with a real b*llet.

An actual f*cking b*llet,

from an actual f*cking g*n.

And now he's bleeding

out in your alleyway.

And if you don't help me help him,

you're gonna have a body on your hands.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

Would I know him from anywhere?

[SIGHS]

[JORDAN] You're lucky

it just grazed you.

Here. It's the best I could do.

What the hell is this?

It's for the pain.

The pharmacist was a real piece of work.

Well, you're a piece of work

for bringing this out here to me.

I can't drink this.

This is my competitor.

You gotta go back in there

and ask for Gran Coramino.

- Are you being serious right now?

- Yes.

Kevin, you've been

shot. I was kidnapped.

- Grown woman-napped.

- You need to fix this.

- Okay.

- You need to fix this now.

I told you I can't.

Okay? Even if I

wanted to, I can't do it.

And, by the way, it's all by design.

I gave all the rights

over to Karl Stromberg,

who is a great precious metals magnate.

You do hear how that sounds, right?

You, you hear the words?

You know, Andre was right.

Andre, your assistant?

Yes. My assistant No.

My former assistant.

He was right though.

You know what we're gonna do?

We're gonna pay Karl Stromberg a visit.

Yeah, that's exactly

what we're gonna do.

We're gonna tell him he

needs to get back on book,

'cause right now, he's not

following my guidelines at all.

It went all over the place.

In order for this movie

to be the best thing

that we know that it can be,

we gotta get back on pace, okay?

We're paying him a visit.

Well, at least, my car is still here.

Yeah, but it's the only one.

This place is dead.

Yeah, it's because it's

the weekend, that's why.

Kevin, it's Tuesday.

Huh.

Hey, what the f*ck?

Kevin, it doesn't look like

anyone's been here for weeks.

No. That's not true.

I was just here.

I was just here.

Stromberg was right there, okay?

That was the last week or it may

It may have been a week before.

I don't know what week it was

'cause I got knocked the

f*ck out, but I was here.

He was sitting at a desk right here.

This is where he was. He was

Hmm.

You will sh*t your pants.

I'm not crazy.

I knew he was here.

Will I have this if he wasn't here?

It's a butt to his cigar.

And you know what he was doing?

He was doing real

weird stuff with the cigar.

Licking it, putting it in his

nose, slobbering all on it.

I was watching him

while he was doing it.

Closing his eyes [SNIFFS]

All this, lick

Why did you have to drag me

into your stupid fantasy

death wish movie?

What are you talking about?

All I said was think of

somebody like Jordan King.

Keyword, think. It was a suggestion.

Oh, great. Thanks for the suggestion.

All right. He probably wanted you

because you're one of

the biggest stars in Sweden.

- What if that's the case?

- I'm pretty sure Greta Thunberg

is the biggest star in Sweden.

The environmental activist?

Yeah. They have

their priorities straight.

Hey. Whoa.

Wait a minute. Come here. What's this?

Look. Look.

[WHISPERS] Will you just look?

What the hell is this stuff?

Whoa.

-

- It's a VHS.

I haven't seen one of these in years.

Hey. It's Ronald Van & Associates

reading for, um Sorry.

[MAN] Is it, uh, Stromberg or Stromberg?

That's Karl Stromberg.

- [MAN ON TAPE] It's Stromberg.

- It's him. I mean, he

[MAN ON TAPE] Stromberg.

It's a different hair, but it's him.

[MAN ON TAPE] Bring me this man, this

Kevin Hart.

I'm actually gonna go thicker.

Kevin, it's an audition tape.

Yeah. Well, obviously.

I can see that. I see that

it's an audition tape.

The question is why.

Why is he in an audition tape?

Oh, my God. Wait a minute.

Is Karl Stromberg even real?

Wait. You didn't Google

him before the meeting?

He's from Sweden.

You want me to go all the way

to Sweden and Google?

That's ridiculous. Stop.

Are you on drugs?

[PHONE RINGING]

Quick. Answer it.

[PHONE STOPS RINGING]

Hello?

[MAN ON PHONE] Hello, Mr. Action Star.

Congratulations. You escaped.

Uh, do you know you

shot me with a real b*llet?

[MAN ON PHONE] Of course, I know.

That b*llet was meant to k*ll you.

Oh, that's stupid. You k*ll me,

and then you don't have a movie.

[MAN ON PHONE] You moron.

There was no movie.

There never was.

What do you mean there's no movie?

You better stop talking like that.

That's blasphemy and you know it.

There is a movie.

Okay. Who, who is

Are you the producer?

[ON PHONE] You have

forgotten who you are,

where you came from.

I don't Ain't nobody

forget where they came from.

[MAN ON PHONE] Then what was the name

of your first and only

grade school teacher?

Mrs. Faulkson

No, Ms. Clarkson.

Clark Clarkson. Yeah, Ms. Clarkson.

[MAN ON PHONE] And the

hospital where you were born?

What does that have to do with anything?

[MAN ON PHONE] The name.

[WHISPERS] Go on.

Uh, Saint Falkenstein.

[WHISPERS] That sounds rude.

Saint Falkenstein Hospital.

What Hey, enough of this sh*t.

Cut the sh*t. Who are you?

Who the f*ck are you?

[MAN ON PHONE] I'm the person

who's brought into your life.

- You are no longer Kevin Hart.

- [KEVIN WHISPERING] What is happening?

- What the f*ck is going on?

- [MAN ON PHONE] You are nothing.

Uh, excuse me. Can I ask

why I've been dragged into this?

Great, Kevin. You took all

the phone time with him.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse the f*ck out of me

for trying to figure out

what's going on with my life,

trying to hear a

serial k*ller voice out.

- I'm sorry that I inconvenienced you.

- [SHUSHES]

God damn it, Jordan.

[SHUSHES] Do you hear that?

It's the VCR.

What the f*ck?

[GASPS] Oh, f*ck. It's a b*mb.

- What?

- It's a f*cking b*mb!

Well, disarm it.

You f*cking disarm it.

Oh, yeah, 'cause I know

how to disarm a b*mb.

Oh, I do 'cause I'm Black.

That's what you think?

Every Black man know

how to disarm a b*mb?

That is not a thing, Kevin.

Oh, I bet it's not a thing.

Get your r*cist a*s back.

Move! Move!

Quick, quick, quick. Come on.

[KEVIN] Oh, my God. Open it. Open it.

[KEVIN GRUNTS] Pull. Pull.

[JORDAN BREATHING HEAVILY]

Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.

Get back! Get back! Get back! Get back!

[KEVIN] sh*t, sh*t.

Okay.

Well, I guess it is just a movie.

Yeah.

And that was a fake b*mb

- [expl*si*n]

- [KEVIN] Whoa!

[BOTH COUGHING]

- [ANDRE] Everybody

- Oh, my God!

Oh, bro. Hey, you're okay?

What was that sound?

Andre? What the hell are you doing here?

- Come on. Go.

- What are you talking about?

- [KEVIN] We gotta go.

- I'll get the door for you.

- [KEVIN] No! No! Drive!

- Okay. We'll go.

Kevin, that was a real f*cking b*mb.

- Okay.

- A real f*cking b*mb!

Okay. Jordan, well, can you

put yourself in my shoes?

I will not. No. No.

I do not have to do that.

You know what? Just shut up.

Shut the f*ck up. [BREATHING HEAVILY]

Hey, Jordan. I'm Andre.

I don't know if you remember me.

Hey, man, put your hand on the wheel.

[ANDRE] You got it. [CHUCKLES]

I'm actually

I'm Kevin's protege. Sorry.

Oh, I'm Kevin's assistant

Uh, former assistant. f*ck me.

Of course, I remember you, Andre.

So what? Kevin kicked you out

in the middle of the street, did he?

No. Pish posh no. Of course not.

Technically, it was the sidewalk.

And I love Skid Row.

Everybody's got a story to tell.

So many teachable moments.

Wait. You, you didn't go home?

You just waited here this whole time?

Well, yeah. I mean, I always

carry a spare key, right?

That's what I do.

And I don't mind waiting.

It was a quick 25, 30 hours.

Thirty hours?

I would wait a lifetime to

make sure Kevin is okay.

Okay. Stop it.

Stop it. I didn't ask you to do that.

Don't act like I did.

I know. I know. And I,

I know you fired me.

Oh, right. You fired him

because he tried to warn you

about the Swedish mobster

that was actually a shitty actor

who was working for

someone trying to m*rder us.

Okay. I don't understand

what's happening.

I really don't.

And, Jordan, I'm just gonna

throw this out there right now.

I feel like you're still mad at me.

I will never not be mad at you

for the rest of my life.

I am so sorry to interrupt,

but where am I going?

- Because I've just been driving.

- Hey. Hey.

- Yeah?

- We'll go to my house.

- You got it.

- Okay? Go to my house.

- You got it.

- No. I'm not going

to your house. I'm going to my house.

- No. No.

- Your house it is.

You're not going to your house

'cause I need to know that you're safe.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Just like Andre wanted to

make sure you were safe.

[SCOFFS] You know what?

I know what you're doing.

I know exactly what you're doing.

You're trying to do one of those things

where you make me evaluate

who I am as a person, right?

That's what you're trying to do.

But guess what, I'm not gonna do that

because who I am as a person

is who I'm okay with,

and I'm settled in.

[BUTTONS CLICKING]

[BEEP]

[ANDRE] It's not working.

I'm gonna try one more time.

Are you sure you're

punching in the right code?

Of course, man. It's your birthday.

Like I don't forget that.

It's tattooed on my inner thigh.

I rub it every morning.

See what I'm dealing with?

- Okay.

- All the time.

You see what I'm dealing with?

- It's not working.

- Wait, wait, wait.

Maybe the person

who's behind all of this

changed the gate code.

Wait. And they think I'm dead.

So maybe this is to

our advantage, right?

- [ANDRE] Hmm.

- [JORDAN] Maybe.

Yeah, no, this Oh, sh*t.

The security. The security, Jordan.

Get in the back and hide. Hide, hide.

Maybe we just exit now. Should I go now?

- No, no, no. Wait, wait, wait.

- I should jus I'm gonna leave.

- I'm gonna leave, Kevin, okay?

- Hey, shut up.

You don't have to leave.

Stop, stop, stop.

- Are you sure?

- No.

- [SECURITY] Sir.

- Stay here. Stay here.

- He doesn't like me.

- [SECURITY] Sir.

Hey, what's going on? How are

you, my man? Nice to meet you.

Are you aware you're

trespassing on private property?

I did not. I did I was not aware, no.

Please reverse out and have a nice day.

You got it, my man.

[WHISPERS] No. Do not reverse.

You can't reverse.

You know what? I'm not

I can't That

My boss actually lives inside there.

- [WHISPERS] Yeah.

- So if I can just jump in there

real quick, that'd be great.

Reverse out now and no one

has to get pumped full of electricity.

Of course. I'm positive

nobody needs that.

[WHISPERS] No. Do not reverse.

Do not reverse. Do not reverse.

I'm not gonna reverse.

Do not f*ck with me.

- [WHISPERS] He's bluffing.

- You're bluffing.

I assure you, I'm not bluffing.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING]

[WHISPERS] He's f*cking bluffing.

[KEVIN] f*ck with him.

- He's f*cking It's bullshit.

- f*ck you. You're full of

[SEIZING NOISES]

Compliments of Mr. H.

Well, I didn't tell him to do that.

- [JORDAN] Andre.

- [KEVIN] Is he okay?

[JORDAN] Andre? Andre!